Thanks for checking out this video. If you want to learn how you can improve your own emotionally availability, take our free class over at modernlove.life/class
I have never heard of your channel but started listening and I really love the simplicity of relationships with your ex. You definitely have nailed it. This topic is a great one too. I love your work.
Sometimes emotionally unavailable people ( men or women) because they weren’t raised in a home of love and attachment and have no idea how commitment or love attachment dynamics actually work. The search for the “ perfect person” is just a mustache or distraction from his or her own emptiness.
My current partner is emotionally available and it concerns me. After seven years of working a program to recovery and therapy I am honest and available because it keeps me sane and sober. I love him but I often feel like I am not enough or feel rejected. *edit to correct spelling
Geronimos None you have to learn how to love and attach. This can be done by a combination of therapy, pets, friends, lovers etc. To learn how to attach ( give and receive) is what makes human intimacy and love. It is also important to identify triggers that you have to run or dismiss people etc. I suggest mirroring. Mirror the other person. If He is happy and says he loves, try to use his energy to feel for yourself. Identify loving vibes from others vs unloving vibes and allow yourself to absorb from another. The more you can see with your own EYES what love and attachment is ( through action) then you can place attachment with something ie: a hug and kiss means x,y,z. Or this person being loyal means they are attached to me and value me. When you visually see what attachment is and what love is through action you can grow to feel that these actions have meaning. When you associate meaning then you can feel. I hope this makes sense. It's a process and also a skill set to be learned. It can be accomplished though. Don't give up.
@@neuroticgypsy I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you're basically telling me to look at the other person, copy them, then grow as a couple?? Isn't that just being "fake"?? If I'm not being my teue self, then .... For Who Am I in a Relationship For?? To Please Him and that'll be all ?!?! I don't understand!!!!
I think I am emotionally unavailable in the sense that I am not interested in anyone, so I will die alone. I don't go looking for love and I am repelled by anyone who is interested in me.
We really cannot tell what the future would hold for us, Ivonne. Sometimes, the moment when we are in full acceptance, the universe will lead us to someone that is aligned with our own values. :-)
Any possibility you are gay and that’s why you don’t want male attention or love ? In the real sense sometimes people are so deeply in denial and can’t connect to the opposite sex because they are not connecting with the RIGHT sex.
@@neuroticgypsy I don't think so, I mean, I am attracted to men, but I just can't seem to connect emotionally to them. It just seems like a relationship is so much work and so exhausting for, in my opinion, very little benefit. Of course this is not from personal experience, just what I have observed in couples around me, maybe there is something else that I am not seeing.
They can be exhausting but that’s why being available on both parties is essentially mandatory for it to work with good communication. Also being realistic and not being idealistic.
I know i am like this but i feel like another interesting point is men seem drawn to me because they see me as a challenge. They feel like I play hard to get when basically I’m not , I’m just reluctant to let someone in my life because of my past experiences 🤔
This literally is the best video on the internet explaining the issue - that’s exactly what I’ve been dealing with the last three guys and I’m sick and tired of this. Just want to meet a kind, genuine, honest and emotionally available person instead of emotionally unavailable, self focused, evasive, distant men
We meet all kinds of people. Analyze why you give access to the same type of males. That means something in you is unavailable. So examine your childhood attachments to find out why subconsciously you chose those people. The answer is in us.
I know the feeling. Its been two relationships in a row now for me. I am just starting to accept and be comfortable with the idea of being on my own. Too many broken people out there who will only break others. My mindset about love and unions is sadly not the same that it was when I was younger 😒
This vid is brilliant! It's exactly whats happened with the unavailable man!! He always compliments me, says im perfect, then pulls away into the shadow.
I m a emotionally unavailable man. I don’t want to be one but I don’t know how not to be one. For some reason, people fall for me easily, so I hurt many people, and I m hurt cos of it too.
I fell for an emotionally unavailable man. I think subconsciously people sense that a person needs a little extra love or guidance so they fall for you giving you the love they hope you always needed. It won't work if the other person is susceptible or open.
Is it true if someone talks about everything and share some experiences, person like you tend to avoid and feel miserable for that type of girl? 😅 I really need to know what's in their mind.. Cuz i might have that 1 friend who emotionally unavailable
At least you're able to come to the realization of your short comings. A lot of people can't do that. I've heard that's half the battle! Unlike someone I know, they can't even admit they're in that position.
I'm just too scared ..... I dont like being available emotionally for someone even if I like them or getting attracted ...... I feel what if he's playing me or maybe he is just showing interest now later he will be different
@reneeenright2630 , that's truly a level of self-actualization and mindfulness. There's nothing wrong with healing because it also develops a level of relationship with our own self. :-)
I think this happens to me and I had never thought about myself as an emotional unavailable women because I had one or two normal and healthy relationships, but i think you're spot on. I am indeed looking for validation in some man. Some of them, i am pretty sure I wouldn't even feel atracted to if they like me to start with. It's pretty messed up. Will definitely work on it. thanks for the video :)
Clay, thank you so much. It honestly feel like you’re talking to me directly and described me 100 percent. I almost cried because this is a shocking revelation.
This is so depressing and despairing if you can identify with being one of these types of people can we ever change ?! I believe it's impossible to truly ever be happy if we can't.
@@ToniRoni708 I’m about to go to therapy cuz I just met some bad ass Indian women at a store and was talking for like a good talking 10 minutes, Clearly she was interested in me but me being emotionally unavailable I unconsciously didn’t shoot me shot 🤦🏾♂️😂 Fuck me Im taking my ass to therapy
She broke up with me because she sensed that my feelings were growing for her and hers were not. She also said that we were not emotionally connected and wanted to break it off before I got hurt
This gave me the courage to FINALLY move on from my EU ex tonight! I originally found your channel trying to become closer to my EU ex. I’m the only one putting in effort. And I’m starting to resent it. And even worse- becoming angry at myself for fooling myself for so long that he wants to change. I’m gonna still watch your videos to learn tips about how to attract a secure relationship. Your work has taught me so much about healthy love I never had modeled as a kid. Thank you so much, Clay!
Thank you for talking about this issue. I believe, it takes a lot of trust (and a lot of time) to become emotionally available to a particular person. I'd like to understand the difference between being emotionally unavailable and being *emotionally RESERVED*. Thanks in advance.
Thanks for watching. Being reserved but available would mean that someone is open to the idea of being in a relationship with you, but they don't have the connection required to feel comfortable committing just yet. Whereas an emotionally unavailable person will always find some excuse for not committing, no matter how strong the connection is. In the early stages, it could be quite difficult to differentiate between the two.
this is the first video that actually helped me understand! I must be emotionally unavailable also and had no clue until now. I do want to work on this, because I am so tired of repeating it over and over, I want a loving relationship.
I met Perfect and Respectful men in every sense.. but I was never in love. I admired their Talent but never them.. gave them words of vanity and reassurances I never felt..and couldn’t stay with anyone for more than 3-4 months.. I’m really Grateful to Them but I wish I didn’t have to force myself to fall in love
Wow. The algorithm really did its thing. I was wondering why someone who ended things w/me keeps coming back. & also, why I can’t seem to go back to him. It’s this. I’ve been working on being emotionally available since 2018. 5 years later, I finally AM. I met him last year, when I was still unavailable. So proud of me. So yes people, it took me 5 years to be emotionally available (at least I think I am) Yes, it takes that long smh. Thanks Clay!
You attract what you are - Great video. It makes so much sense. If you are constantly around emotionally unavailable men then the chances are, you are an emotionally unavailable woman. If you are around emotionally available men then the chances are you are emotionally available women and vice versa.. But, I think there is also a middle, depending on your stage in life, where you can be an emotionally unavailable men/woman and still have emotionally available women/men who are willing to get to know you and value you. (talking from expereince) It's a case by case situation and it just takes time getting to know someone
Clay, when you were describing the emotionally unavailable man, all I could think of was that you're describing every woman I've ever known. As far as I know, I'm a completely emotionally available man, yet it seems like all the women that I end up with are always acting like emotionally unavailable men. So I completely give up I don't want anything to do with anybody anymore I'm going to be completely celibate and alone the rest of my life
Amazing video Clay! I lived together with a man that's like this for almost 10 months. We started off as flatmates but became more. I notice he truly cares for me but indeed is looking for a perfect woman, which I'm not hahaha. We have such a great connection. He said he never bounded like this before but is looking for the whole package. Just great 😑. I moved out a month ago and said him it's best to go our separate ways. I've been in limbo for months and I just cant do it anymore. He seems to be quite affected by me leaving but for as now not enough to reach out and really go for it. That might never happen so I am moving forward and let's see what life has to offer :)
Hello Maria. Thanks for the kind words. It sounds like he may potentially be an emotionally unavailable man and he may have some commitment issues for sure. If that's not something that you can put up with, then I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from him.
@@ClayAndrews thanks for your answer! Yes, he has been having the same pattern over and over when it comes to dating. Getting close and than bouncing off because of one flaw. He only wanted to make it work with a girl that was depressed and another one that was out of reach. Do you see people like this change when the partner who wants more walks away?
Here’s the thing I was texting him often he wants space so I’m giving it to him now he’s probably emotionally unavailable but idk if I ruined a chance we are friends he’s kissed me in the past one day and says he wasn’t in the right headspace he just wants to be friends he stares at me though loves hugging me doesn’t mind me touching him playfully and says cares about me and says that’ll never change. He just isn’t ready for anyone he says and doesn’t know if he will be. I need advice is that a sign of emotional unavailability and how can it end up good or better cause I like and care about him. Thank you
You can check this podcast from us regarding emotional unavailability. I hope this helps. >> www.lovetalkfm.com/lt072-understanding-emotionally-unavailable-partners/
Yeah, it's basically a complete and utter fallacy. The idea of a relationship is to experience joy, partnership, growth and intimacy in the present moment. If it does not end up working out, then you support and love that person from a distance, but remain friends.
It is bad, not to be like that but. A relationship needs nurishment and if you are thinking bad about it when it havent even started. It will get bad nurishment and wont have anything to fight for when the time gets hard. You never know what comes in the future, same goes for relationships. You never know whats gonna happen in a relationship, but you can control the specifik timeline and that means that you have to turn that timeline too something positive. So try think positive about the relationship. If you like your partner then take care of him/her, dont think negative because then it wont workout and you will just give up when the hard times comes in.
Good job, you actually made me realize my own issues. I didn't know that subconsciously, I was in a quest for perfection, so I'll have to add that to my meditations. Great vid bud, Cheers from Canada
What you are talking about in the beginning is narcissistic "ideal love". It's objectification of the other as a set of specs. It fall under the trait of "fantasies of unlimited success". Which really isn't unlimited but unrealistic for their particular circumstances. Also, the fast forwarding is attachment during the idealization phase and then once you are seen as 3 dimensional you will be devalued. You are devalued if you don't serve as a potent enough ideal source of attention and emotional resources. You don't realize you're talking about narcissistic traits. The man many not have NPD but the traits you mentioned are on the spectrum. Even the approach-avoidance cycle when they leave you but not with closure to "hunt" for other sources of attention and resources (again usually intangible resources). You are staying in the safe zone for your audience. These people have likely underwent childhood trauma and have unhealthy coping skills and immature defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy.
Nothing has ever made more sense to me, I’ve been emotionally unavailable for awhile and just didn’t know this was a thing I just thought I just had incredibly bad luck and didn’t know why I was attracted to the people that I was as you described as emotionally unavailable aswell. I’ve tried dating and it just never feels right and I’m so stuck on this one guy who talks to me for awhile and then disappears but I keep letting him back in because I’m stupid 🤦🏻♀️
I am an emotionally available woman and I have almost always been attracted to available men. In fact I don't even feel safe with unavailable men. In a way I can relate more to the man you're describing than the woman. Im not really looking for validation from partners, but I do break up with partners if they do not withhold a certain ideal. I do attract available men but Im always intimidated by their deep capability of intimacy, hence the running away.
This is so true to me and to my ex...Wow...I'm an emotionally unavailable woman and Im so drawn to my emotionally unavailable man...my jaw just dropped! Wow😮
I'm an EU woman and i made thecfirst steps in letting go of the EU guys. Now how do I fix me? When men are "too interested in me" it scares me and makes me feel like they are being to desperate or needy. But i see now that it just feels uncomfortable because I'm used to being rejected and not good enough.
Hi PrincessAmandaTV, when we say that we are not good enough and we are used to being rejected, it may reflect on the way we think about ourselves and our limiting beliefs. By changing our thought process towards our own self and building a level of self-love, it will help us to rediscover our deeper potentials in a romantic relationship. We feel that in your situation, our compatibility Code course is something that might be a good fit for you. As it will help you to define the type of person that you wanted to be in a relationship with while building a level of self-confidence and esteem. You can check that over here. >> modernlove.life/cc/
i came in to hear about the emotionally unavailable man cuz my ex, and glad i continue listen and learn to be aware of myself can be emotionally unavailable and repel the good people away from me.
The truth is I believe the unavailable man wants you to do something that is not usual, like most men do not get surprise gifts or help so when a woman does it suddenly or surprisingly it triggers something in the man to know he is really dealing with a rare woman and this wins his confidence, also remember his birthday and say sweet things making him feel special will definitely unlock an unavailable man. I am speaking from experience, people have different love languages just find it or atleast try. Thanks.
I am 5 years younger than him and earn half as much as he does. I took him out on expensive dinners ($150+ per person), bought him surprise gifts, sent him Uber delivery when he was working late, paid for my own plane ticket to an out-of-province wedding to which he invited me. Surprised him with sexy lingerie, took care of him when he was sick, cooked for him, was kind and respectful to his family members and friends. (To be fair, he was also very generous and respectful and loving as well). I did all of these 'unusual' things, not because I ever felt like I had to but because I genuinely wanted to from the bottom of my heart; he still blindsided me and broke up with me at the first sign of conflict.
This is a hard topic for you. Your nonverbal cues tell a story of why you teach this. It is all clear 😇 but I am here as well - so thank you for being vulnerable. It is much appreciated.
I have heard that statement before when you said that an emotionally unavailable woman would be disinterested in an emotionally available man and I agree to everything you said about the past of that kind of a woman, yes that has been my experience. But what do you do when you set the boundaries and you NEVER meet someone who is emotionally available? I have met guys coming out of a restaurant, online dating, dated in church and everyone has been emotionally unavailable. I know some would say it’s my energy and I agree, but how can I fix it? Without trying to fix the person because I know that’s a no-no. I want a loving relationship. But I don’t think I have ever met someone who’s emotionally available. I also had a very traumatic childhood, and I have a very toxic religious family I’m striving to rebuild and redirect my old habits...I hope someone can give me some feedback.
Hi Cameron, It seems that most of your concerns are coming from different aspects. Like what you have mentioned, you experienced a traumatic childhood, toxic religious family and you have that intent to redirect your old habits. It is the way that you would rewire the thought process that might help you a lot. Maybe our Compatibility Code program would be perfect for you. :-)
Wow this is actually so interesting. I am an emotional unavailable woman who turned down a lot of men because I saw all the imperfections and got bored quickly. Last year I fell in love with an emotional unavailable man. He was the first person to actually fit all my criteria. He was exactly this perfect guy I had made up in my mind. And he existed in real life. During our talks it became clear that he felt the same, all the women he met were boring to him and he never gave them a chance. But I was his perfect woman. So we became available to each other. But in the end, he still couldn't fight his nature and ran away. He got scared of commitment and left. Now I'm back at being unavailable and turning down all men who show interest...
This was almost perfectly accurate with my ex and I except that I as a woman am the unavailable man, and my ex as the man was the unavailable woman. He was always insecure and scared of loosing me and the more he did that he pushed me further away. And I was the one seeking the perfect partner of which he had many shortcomings aside from the biggest ones being his jealousy, insecurity and clingyness. But I believe I have changed and want him back now but he has moved on from me😔 and is now in a rebound. All these tips never talk about how to get an ex back if you were the emotionally unavailable person.
You have to fully accept and let go of the things that hold you back from the past. In that way, you can slowly open yourself emotionally to the present.
My bf of 3 months is very toxic and not affectionate. Is embarrassed to tell his family about me because I have kids and manager at applebees. He will ignore my texts and has distant himself from me. I have tried to end it before and he sucks me back in. He has a lot if signs of emotionally unavailable. I'm getting ready to break up with him. I can't do this.. everything is on his terms. I don't feel like I'm apart of his life. He makes more money then me and is always trying to pay for everything. Like I can't afford because I make less then him. Says he will take off if I get pregnant but purposely finishes in me.. uggh
As of last night my ex girlfriend has told me for the second time. ( I don’t have the time, energy, or patience ). Concerning the lack of answering certain questions I ask. These questions, and remarks I know should stir up emotions. ( Says I know she can’t give me the proper time to answer my text properly. Then says I’ll talk to you next month). I guess she said next month, because I asked did she want more space in prior text. Finally answered in her own way. I have been being unconditionally understanding, respectful to her wishes. I acknowledge the type of profession being a language teacher. Everyone gets swamped, and backed up with work sometimes. There is 24 hours with in a day to at least reach out, and acknowledge someone. Although the perfect text takes a lot of thought emotionally. One moment I thought I was about in the third phase, now back to 2nd, and first with her last response. How to keep it moving forward positively in getting past the 3rd phase, without her lapsing backwards seeming heartless???
I recently found out my ex was back with another ex gf. That’s 2 since he broke up 8/17/20 plus 1 trashy girl he use to hookup with. None of these past relationships ever worked before. Why did he think they would again? He and have been doing really good since reconnecting in November. I’ve changed and corrected what caused him to leave and we’ve been spending a lot of quality time together. Just hard for me to stomach the fact that he could just pick back up with others so fast after leaving me. Makes me feel like he really didn’t love me. I haven’t slept with anyone else since the first day we got together 3 years ago.
For me it was being taught men aren't emotional and being raised around a violent psychopath that manipulated people with emotions. Being punished for trying to love someone. It wasnt being overwhelmed by choice, but I can agree that it stems from being overwhelmed. The mental construct is the anima. Most young men dont have to be emotionally available because young women are so physically available. And from my experience being overtly emotional with a woman tends to make them loose attraction. Though that varies.
The whole video is all about cluster B individuals. Narcissistic , Antisocial, Histrionic, Borderline personality disorder. Its sounds crazy but they all exist.
Valentines Day is coming up also. I know better than to buy a gift, and send it. I have learned to stop being so nice in that way. Should I contact her on that day???
Great vid but as all inclusive as it is, it leaves out the paradox & highly complex topic of emotionalally unavailable partners. Those who ARE in a relationship or marriage & think they are ready for one, but literally do not behave appropriately & are emotionally shut off from how they were raised & attachment style. They also have extremely difficult time explaining their feelings in a healthy way or communicating in a way that respects yours, bc they themselves are so disconnected w their own feelings. I've lived with dealing w this dynamic from my bf for 5 years & I'm seeing a councelor bc I'm losing it. Whether he goes is another story
I spent a ton of time researching and finally came to the conclusion that I push healthy (available) men away with my neediness and attract emotionally unavailable men that I then spend all my time trying to catch because I’ve been conditioned since birth to chase after my mom and dads love 😢. Turns out he is a narcissist and she is emotionally shut down and oblivious. I’ve stopped dating to work on my trauma and the sht I’ve unpacked is bonkers. Turns out I have borderline personality disorder. Yay. A few years ago I just thought my family (including me) just had general dysfunction. To see it all play out all over again before my CLEAR eyes is so surreal I can’t even explain it. If you’re reading this and relate to a dysfunctional family- your parents might also be emotionally unavailable, which means either you are too or you’re like me and anxiously attached (fearful of abandonment).
Yes you are right. It's true that emotionally balanced men might see neediness as a sign of personal struggles, which could affect the health of a relationship. However, as long as there's open and meaningful communication, and you're actively addressing and sharing your efforts to overcome this issue, a genuinely healthy man should be understanding and not see it as a dealbreaker. Recognizing the problem is a important first step. Speaking from my own experience of coming from a dysfunctional family, I've worked hard to avoid becoming emotionally unavailable or anxiously attached, and I am quit positive I never projected these issues in my relationships. Instead, my pets have filled that role for me, they don't mind being overly attached, especially when I've raised them from a young age and they've formed a deep bond with me. At the end of the day it's definitely possible to address and heal from this dysfunction or at least compensate in a way that would not affect romantic relationships as long person can build trust toward other people, especially toward the opposite gender. (sadly many people with this dysfunction can't and these people should probably seek help).
I am a member of ESP and the MLA and currently working to get my ex back. I have been listening to these live streams and I'm worried that my ex is emotionally unavailable. We were in a serious, committed relationship for 7 months and for at least 5 months of our relationship he thought I was absolutely perfect but then he started noticing my "flaws" and broke up with me (of course there was also other underlying problems too, such as lack of communication and sweeping our problems under the rug). It also seems that he may have been fast forwarding our relationship (meeting the parents, going on a trip together, etc.), we were both so happy with each other that I didn't think anything of this at the time. I am in riding the dragon and am not ready to give up because we truly did have an amazing relationship but now I'm not sure how to proceed after realizing that this likely makes him emotionally unavailable by constantly seeking perfection. I'm somewhat expecting you to tell me what you say frequently, that I need to decide if I'm willing to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, and like I said, I don't want this to be the reason I give up. Recognizing this now, what is the best way to move forward? How does this change working to get him back? Apologies for the vague question!
Katie Stephenson this is EXACTLY my story. Exactly it. Fast paced, felt amazing, moved forward fast but inside this very thing is and was the problem. She idealised the idea of what she felt, the love and emotional bond, then when my imperfections showed (nothing major) or when the honeymoon period passed she appeared to almost become ‘disappointed’ and disappeared. There was love there. The best there could be but there are deep deep connective and communicative problems. We hit a wall and it doesn’t appear it can or will come down.
T Bo wow sounds very similar! It’s crazy to me because I never thought about it as emotional unavailability but the way clay described it in this video was spot on...
Thank you for making this video! May I ask you something? A friend, that I think could be emotionally unavailabe, ended our friendship 2 weeks ago. We were pretty close friends in the beginning - we’ve for example wrote each other personal letters. They told me, they want to open up to me/they just need me to give them time. They often talked about failed ex-relationships etc and they told me, they are bad at keeping friends, because they aren’t as invested in those. I wanted to show them, that they wouldn’t lose me and I wanted to do everything right. Unfortunately I’ve developed deeper feeling for them (I’m still not sure if it was love or something different, we’re the same sex. But they took it as a confession when I wrote this down in a letter for them.) After telling them, they cut contact. Before this, they would say I’m important to them-after this, they couldn’t say anything. We didn’t talk for months and I felt really hurt and rejected/let down. After I reached out to them after this time, they were okay with trying again. But they wanted a completely superficial friendship-not as deep as it was. I tried being okay with it, but I clearly wasn’t. Because it didn’t make sense to me and they were so important to me. I overthinked everything that was different than before. It started to feel hella onesided emotional. They told me to stop overthinking when they didn’t respond to my texts. But I did. And I wanted to talk clearly with them. But as I suggested talking about the whole thing, they didn’t want to. Even after I’ve explained to them, why I thought that would be a good idea for both of us. They blocked me. Told me things like “Too much happened/It destroyed my trust that u didn’t tell me about your feelings/There are too many emotions to put into words/I really tried to not let you down after the letter/I need to protect myself/I’ve always tried to tell you what I’m feeling but you never understood/We’re comstantly hurting each other” I was shocked tbh. I never intended to hurt them. I’ve always tried to understand them and I was really hurt hearing that I didn’t do so. I wanted to be there for them in the long run. Now I think I’ve hurt them without even realizing. I mean, I feel hurt too, we surely both done things wrong. But.. should I apologize to them? Maybe writing them a rather short letter? I just feel bad..
Thankyou for this ,I know now I’m probably an emotionally unavailable women,and have been talking to a guy for 3 years now and have strong feelings for him & visa versa but we only met up one time and now I know why 🙈 this makes me feel like a fool but lesson learned 👍 thanks again X
I disagree with why an unemotional woman would want to be with a man like this. It’s really because they are comfortable with the lack of love, they’ve never had it so it’s normal, they are used to not being important, a priority, included, praised. It’s all they know so they stay with these types of men
It is probably a combination of both points. Yes your point is the core reason why she chooses an emotionally unavailable man but he also saduce her by love bombing her at beginning of a relationship which plays on her neglecting her insecurities.
Hey, I enjoyed your video, and have subscribed temporarily.... however I would love to see you elaborate on one thing… I happen to be incredibly emotionally available… And there’s no doubt about this… And yet, 23 years ago I married a man that I knew was emotionally unavailable, because I loved all the other things about him… And I saw it as a matter of maturity… I simply thought he would grow out of it… Well he never did… But I do get a little tired of people suggesting that I must also be emotionally unavailable just because I chose him… These people tend to have remarkable qualities, except in this one way they’re stunted
There must be some things from your past experiences that you may need to have closure. Try to make amends from the things of the past that is holding you from being emotionally availalble
I need help with my ex. He wants to be friends foreseeable future and for me to be in his life but he ignores me and acts cold towards me. He said that too much has happened for him to deal with it and he doesn't want me, I really don't know what to do. Everyone is telling me to stay friends with him and it will get easier but it hurt seeing him so unbothered and happy without me
Emotional unavailability is neglect and is a form of abuse. It's tempting to give the other person a chance to open up. We want to proof ourselves to them. I wish they knew how damaging it is for their partner's mental health. When it happens repeatedly it can truly push someone on the edge of suicide thinking they don't deserve anyone good in life. And they that they are worthless.
You should make a video on how to deal with others idiosyncrasies and how to accept and work around that. Because I guess no one's finds the perfect person.
Clay Andrews I'm trying to let go of a woman that doesn't believe in marriage, I do, but she always after me, Everytime she gets mad she never picks up my calls, lol, never wants to sit down and clear things out. I have to always play detective and interrogate her in a harsh persistent way to get the truths out of her, and unfortunately this has gone for 7 years, because I try to end it up but she always keeping in touch and setting dates. When I ask her if we should live together she says maybe, or beat around the bush, etc. She still in contact with her ex. I have never understand her or what is she about. A very idiosyncratic person 🤔. Because I have let this go for so long I have developed resentment towards her and I think maybe hate....
Clay Andrews just for the purpose of this information may Benefit anyone else, this is how my experience went: The first 2 years I ASSUMED she wanted the same things I did like living together and/or marrying, the 3rd third year I developed doubts about her commitment and started the interrogation and bothering process getting truths out of her like she doesn't want to marry, she never thought of us living together, she didn't wanted to bring a man near her daughter, who anyway left her when she grew up, the 5th year we were trying to turn everything into a friendship because of the feelings we didn't wanted to totally let go of us, I also had ver deep feelings for her and cared deeply about her, the 6th year we are realizing is impossible to see each other as a friend, and I still asked her once again if she wanted to fulfill things out and she rejected, the 7th year I was so fed up of her I tried multiple times to cut contact with her, and now I'm almost cutting her but feeling angry at her and maybe not wanting to know about her ever again. Lesson I learned was to make things clear early enough in the relationship. Also I started with her after she recently separated from her 15 year relationship.
This description of the “unavailable man” is the most accurate description of how I behaved most of my adult life. The “unavailable women” I hung out with were my payback.. I suspect being unavailable triggers arousal in available people.
What would you say about people who can be flexible being in either emotionally available or emotionally unavailable relationships depending on what the other person wants?
First of all, we really cannot dictate whether we can be emotionally available or not nor adjust to what the other people wants. Though we really cannot tell the truth of what they truly feel as at the end of the day, they are the only person who knows the reality of what they truly feel.
Hi Edie, If our mindset is about fixing, it may come from a place of taking control over things. Remember that there are things that we can control and not have control of. The reason why we may get the worst feelings maybe because we are coming from a place of attachment to the outcome. Therapies can truly be beneficial so continue doing that as well.
You have to work on healing and being secure of your emotions. there are no exact strategy for that but it will depend on the level of acceptance and how you have moved forward from your past relationship.
I am an emotionally unavailable woman i relate to everything he said and I am not a bad person but its just that I cannot be with someone who is not perfect not only physically but in different aspects like he loves me the way I want him to love me he to talk me in a way I like and if he doesn't it feels like he's not the right person and should wait for the perfect one
Hi smile forever , In dating, you really don't have to wit. Continue to meet people and get to know them. As long as you are defined with your 5 x 5 list, you can keep in check if the person you are dating is something that fits your personal values and criteria in a meaningful relationship. :-)
Ditto brother. Luckily for me she dropped me 3 weeks ago. I got the impression she has done this to hundreds and hundreds of guys. I already feel sorry for her next victim!
I'm dating an EU person- he seem like he does love me but..he's really distant I wanna learn more about EU so I'll know how to handle him- but Should I stay or should I go? I do love him and I want to be there for him, he just might be scared but from what? He won't answer me of course But I'm not giving up
Hey Clay, urgent help needed! I fucked up... Big time. Me and my ex were on texting terms, she remained cold and distant but was open to texting. I was getting anxious and asked one of her friends about her, her friend then told her that i was in contact with her amd my ex flew off the handle.... I got a series of text saying that i lied to her as i said that i wouldn't contact her friends. She said she tried to be friends with me but now she is done. I was going to call her and apologize for my actions explaining that i have grown alot since our breakup but what i did was a big back step. Is this a good idea? I want to put this to bed and get back on talking terms with her, please help me clay. Thank you
Update: today she blocked me even though i respected her wish for me to stop contacting her... She sent me three texts over two days "accidentally". Same thing this morning but i was blocked so i cudnt reply
Hi Davy, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. We understand how tough this must be for you. for now, try to respect your ex's personal space until emotions had settled down. The more we will push her to talk while her emotions are still not in great shape, the more she will possibly put her wall up.
You can get a good sense of what a person's ideal partner is by talking with them, understanding what their aspirations in life are, values, etc. Then you can ask yourself what sort of person would be compatible with that?
Because perfection doesn't exist, therefore, it gives the emotionally unavailable person an excuse or reason to bail out or stay single and not risk the vulnerability that a committed relationship requires. It's self sabotage
Thanks for checking out this video. If you want to learn how you can improve your own emotionally availability, take our free class over at modernlove.life/class
Thank you for this link. Im thinking I am emotionally unavailable... And I appreciate you so much. I dont want to be this type of gal!
I have never heard of your channel but started listening and I really love the simplicity of relationships with your ex. You definitely have nailed it. This topic is a great one too. I love your work.
Sometimes emotionally unavailable people ( men or women) because they weren’t raised in a home of love and attachment and have no idea how commitment or love attachment dynamics actually work. The search for the “ perfect person” is just a mustache or distraction from his or her own emptiness.
My current partner is emotionally available and it concerns me. After seven years of working a program to recovery and therapy I am honest and available because it keeps me sane and sober. I love him but I often feel like I am not enough or feel rejected. *edit to correct spelling
neuroticgypsy so what is the solution here? I guess i am an emotionally unavailable woman
Geronimos None you have to learn how to love and attach. This can be done by a combination of therapy, pets, friends, lovers etc. To learn how to attach ( give and receive) is what makes human intimacy and love. It is also important to identify triggers that you have to run or dismiss people etc. I suggest mirroring. Mirror the other person. If He is happy and says he loves, try to use his energy to feel for yourself. Identify loving vibes from others vs unloving vibes and allow yourself to absorb from another. The more you can see with your own EYES what love and attachment is ( through action) then you can place attachment with something ie: a hug and kiss means x,y,z. Or this person being loyal means they are attached to me and value me. When you visually see what attachment is and what love is through action you can grow to feel that these actions have meaning. When you associate meaning then you can feel. I hope this makes sense. It's a process and also a skill set to be learned. It can be accomplished though. Don't give up.
neuroticgypsy uffff that’s heavy. However, I think this is one of the Truest comments
@@neuroticgypsy I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you're basically telling me to look at the other person, copy them, then grow as a couple?? Isn't that just being "fake"?? If I'm not being my teue self, then .... For Who Am I in a Relationship For?? To Please Him and that'll be all ?!?!
I don't understand!!!!
I think I am emotionally unavailable in the sense that I am not interested in anyone, so I will die alone. I don't go looking for love and I am repelled by anyone who is interested in me.
We really cannot tell what the future would hold for us, Ivonne. Sometimes, the moment when we are in full acceptance, the universe will lead us to someone that is aligned with our own values. :-)
Any possibility you are gay and that’s why you don’t want male attention or love ? In the real sense sometimes people are so deeply in denial and can’t connect to the opposite sex because they are not connecting with the RIGHT sex.
@@neuroticgypsy I don't think so, I mean, I am attracted to men, but I just can't seem to connect emotionally to them. It just seems like a relationship is so much work and so exhausting for, in my opinion, very little benefit. Of course this is not from personal experience, just what I have observed in couples around me, maybe there is something else that I am not seeing.
They can be exhausting but that’s why being available on both parties is essentially mandatory for it to work with good communication. Also being realistic and not being idealistic.
Wow... I am the same. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I just can’t wrap my head around it
I know i am like this but i feel like another interesting point is men seem drawn to me because they see me as a challenge. They feel like I play hard to get when basically I’m not , I’m just reluctant to let someone in my life because of my past experiences 🤔
This literally is the best video on the internet explaining the issue - that’s exactly what I’ve been dealing with the last three guys and I’m sick and tired of this. Just want to meet a kind, genuine, honest and emotionally available person instead of emotionally unavailable, self focused, evasive, distant men
We meet all kinds of people. Analyze why you give access to the same type of males. That means something in you is unavailable. So examine your childhood attachments to find out why subconsciously you chose those people. The answer is in us.
@@nau304 That may be the case but not always. Some of these people are very good at hiding their negativity and emptiness at the beginning
I know the feeling. Its been two relationships in a row now for me. I am just starting to accept and be comfortable with the idea of being on my own. Too many broken people out there who will only break others. My mindset about love and unions is sadly not the same that it was when I was younger 😒
This vid is brilliant! It's exactly whats happened with the unavailable man!! He always compliments me, says im perfect, then pulls away into the shadow.
I m a emotionally unavailable man. I don’t want to be one but I don’t know how not to be one. For some reason, people fall for me easily, so I hurt many people, and I m hurt cos of it too.
I'm in the same boat. This is why I've decided to stop dating.
I fell for an emotionally unavailable man. I think subconsciously people sense that a person needs a little extra love or guidance so they fall for you giving you the love they hope you always needed. It won't work if the other person is susceptible or open.
Is it true if someone talks about everything and share some experiences, person like you tend to avoid and feel miserable for that type of girl? 😅 I really need to know what's in their mind.. Cuz i might have that 1 friend who emotionally unavailable
At least you're able to come to the realization of your short comings. A lot of people can't do that. I've heard that's half the battle! Unlike someone I know, they can't even admit they're in that position.
Same here.
Woah. You just explained me and the person I am dealing with.
The internet is a beautiful thing
I'm just too scared ..... I dont like being available emotionally for someone even if I like them or getting attracted ...... I feel what if he's playing me or maybe he is just showing interest now later he will be different
Being single 4 almost 5 yrs made me wake up and realise I'm the problem and still need to heal.
@reneeenright2630 , that's truly a level of self-actualization and mindfulness. There's nothing wrong with healing because it also develops a level of relationship with our own self. :-)
I think this happens to me and I had never thought about myself as an emotional unavailable women because I had one or two normal and healthy relationships, but i think you're spot on. I am indeed looking for validation in some man. Some of them, i am pretty sure I wouldn't even feel atracted to if they like me to start with. It's pretty messed up. Will definitely work on it. thanks for the video :)
Clay, thank you so much. It honestly feel like you’re talking to me directly and described me 100 percent. I almost cried because this is a shocking revelation.
You are so welcome. :-)
This is so depressing and despairing if you can identify with being one of these types of people can we ever change ?! I believe it's impossible to truly ever be happy if we can't.
I’m trying my best to change and so can you! It’s hard but it’s possible
I changed it takes alot of time an effort and it’s a huge uncomfortable step towards something better and you learn to understand your emotions
Where do you start? I’m like I need to fix this but idk where to begin
@@ToniRoni708 I’m about to go to therapy cuz I just met some bad ass Indian women at a store and was talking for like a good talking 10 minutes, Clearly she was interested in me but me being emotionally unavailable I unconsciously didn’t shoot me shot 🤦🏾♂️😂 Fuck me Im taking my ass to therapy
She broke up with me because she sensed that my feelings were growing for her and hers were not. She also said that we were not emotionally connected and wanted to break it off before I got hurt
I have same condition. She tell the truth, it is hard for her to build connection.
This gave me the courage to FINALLY move on from my EU ex tonight!
I originally found your channel trying to become closer to my EU ex. I’m the only one putting in effort. And I’m starting to resent it. And even worse- becoming angry at myself for fooling myself for so long that he wants to change.
I’m gonna still watch your videos to learn tips about how to attract a secure relationship. Your work has taught me so much about healthy love I never had modeled as a kid. Thank you so much, Clay!
You're welcome, Kristine. Glad that you found our channel and it helped you to learn so much about having a healthy relationship. :-)
Thank you for talking about this issue. I believe, it takes a lot of trust (and a lot of time) to become emotionally available to a particular person. I'd like to understand the difference between being emotionally unavailable and being *emotionally RESERVED*. Thanks in advance.
Thanks for watching. Being reserved but available would mean that someone is open to the idea of being in a relationship with you, but they don't have the connection required to feel comfortable committing just yet. Whereas an emotionally unavailable person will always find some excuse for not committing, no matter how strong the connection is. In the early stages, it could be quite difficult to differentiate between the two.
Thank you for this Q&A
this is the first video that actually helped me understand! I must be emotionally unavailable also and had no clue until now. I do want to work on this, because I am so tired of repeating it over and over, I want a loving relationship.
I met Perfect and Respectful men in every sense.. but I was never in love. I admired their Talent but never them.. gave them words of vanity and reassurances I never felt..and couldn’t stay with anyone for more than 3-4 months.. I’m really Grateful to Them but I wish I didn’t have to force myself to fall in love
What is your relationship status now?
Wow. The algorithm really did its thing. I was wondering why someone who ended things w/me keeps coming back. & also, why I can’t seem to go back to him. It’s this. I’ve been working on being emotionally available since 2018. 5 years later, I finally AM. I met him last year, when I was still unavailable. So proud of me. So yes people, it took me 5 years to be emotionally available (at least I think I am) Yes, it takes that long smh. Thanks Clay!
You attract what you are -
Great video. It makes so much sense. If you are constantly around emotionally unavailable men then the chances are, you are an emotionally unavailable woman. If you are around emotionally available men then the chances are you are emotionally available women and vice versa..
But, I think there is also a middle, depending on your stage in life, where you can be an emotionally unavailable men/woman and still have emotionally available women/men who are willing to get to know you and value you. (talking from expereince) It's a case by case situation and it just takes time getting to know someone
Thanks for sharing your insights about the video. :-) It's great to hear some perspective and we definitely welcome that.
Clay, when you were describing the emotionally unavailable man, all I could think of was that you're describing every woman I've ever known. As far as I know, I'm a completely emotionally available man, yet it seems like all the women that I end up with are always acting like emotionally unavailable men. So I completely give up I don't want anything to do with anybody anymore I'm going to be completely celibate and alone the rest of my life
Amazing video Clay! I lived together with a man that's like this for almost 10 months. We started off as flatmates but became more. I notice he truly cares for me but indeed is looking for a perfect woman, which I'm not hahaha. We have such a great connection. He said he never bounded like this before but is looking for the whole package. Just great 😑. I moved out a month ago and said him it's best to go our separate ways. I've been in limbo for months and I just cant do it anymore. He seems to be quite affected by me leaving but for as now not enough to reach out and really go for it. That might never happen so I am moving forward and let's see what life has to offer :)
Hello Maria. Thanks for the kind words. It sounds like he may potentially be an emotionally unavailable man and he may have some commitment issues for sure. If that's not something that you can put up with, then I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from him.
@@ClayAndrews thanks for your answer! Yes, he has been having the same pattern over and over when it comes to dating. Getting close and than bouncing off because of one flaw. He only wanted to make it work with a girl that was depressed and another one that was out of reach. Do you see people like this change when the partner who wants more walks away?
Maria Soeters I’m going through similar situations.But my ex’s more damaged because of drugs and promiscuity....Let’s hope the best for ourselves!
Here’s the thing I was texting him often he wants space so I’m giving it to him now he’s probably emotionally unavailable but idk if I ruined a chance we are friends he’s kissed me in the past one day and says he wasn’t in the right headspace he just wants to be friends he stares at me though loves hugging me doesn’t mind me touching him playfully and says cares about me and says that’ll never change. He just isn’t ready for anyone he says and doesn’t know if he will be.
I need advice is that a sign of emotional unavailability and how can it end up good or better cause I like and care about him. Thank you
You can check this podcast from us regarding emotional unavailability. I hope this helps. >> www.lovetalkfm.com/lt072-understanding-emotionally-unavailable-partners/
literally the SECOND i get into a relationship i'm thinking about how there's no point because it's inevitably gonna end. is that bad ? 😬
No you just got the logic behind it
Yeah, it's basically a complete and utter fallacy. The idea of a relationship is to experience joy, partnership, growth and intimacy in the present moment. If it does not end up working out, then you support and love that person from a distance, but remain friends.
It is bad, not to be like that but. A relationship needs nurishment and if you are thinking bad about it when it havent even started. It will get bad nurishment and wont have anything to fight for when the time gets hard. You never know what comes in the future, same goes for relationships. You never know whats gonna happen in a relationship, but you can control the specifik timeline and that means that you have to turn that timeline too something positive. So try think positive about the relationship. If you like your partner then take care of him/her, dont think negative because then it wont workout and you will just give up when the hard times comes in.
uh yes
Good job, you actually made me realize my own issues. I didn't know that subconsciously, I was in a quest for perfection, so I'll have to add that to my meditations.
Great vid bud,
Cheers from Canada
Thank you, Mikkåel. Glad to hear that our video had resonated with you. :-)
What you are talking about in the beginning is narcissistic "ideal love". It's objectification of the other as a set of specs. It fall under the trait of "fantasies of unlimited success". Which really isn't unlimited but unrealistic for their particular circumstances.
Also, the fast forwarding is attachment during the idealization phase and then once you are seen as 3 dimensional you will be devalued. You are devalued if you don't serve as a potent enough ideal source of attention and emotional resources.
You don't realize you're talking about narcissistic traits. The man many not have NPD but the traits you mentioned are on the spectrum. Even the approach-avoidance cycle when they leave you but not with closure to "hunt" for other sources of attention and resources (again usually intangible resources).
You are staying in the safe zone for your audience. These people have likely underwent childhood trauma and have unhealthy coping skills and immature defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy.
I totally agree with you!
Everybody has narcisistic traits.This is just one of them.
Which is created in childhood because of emotionally distant and unavailable parents. Fantasizing and expecting to be saved is trauma...
Nothing has ever made more sense to me, I’ve been emotionally unavailable for awhile and just didn’t know this was a thing I just thought I just had incredibly bad luck and didn’t know why I was attracted to the people that I was as you described as emotionally unavailable aswell. I’ve tried dating and it just never feels right and I’m so stuck on this one guy who talks to me for awhile and then disappears but I keep letting him back in because I’m stupid 🤦🏻♀️
Hey there, have you tried doing the 5x5 list? Maybe it will help you in finding the relationship that you truly want in life.
You are not stupid just stuck do the work to break the cycle
I am an emotionally available woman and I have almost always been attracted to available men. In fact I don't even feel safe with unavailable men. In a way I can relate more to the man you're describing than the woman. Im not really looking for validation from partners, but I do break up with partners if they do not withhold a certain ideal. I do attract available men but Im always intimidated by their deep capability of intimacy, hence the running away.
Same
ok posting another comment already, i probably learned from this video a lot more than i have learned in the last year
This is so true to me and to my ex...Wow...I'm an emotionally unavailable woman and Im so drawn to my emotionally unavailable man...my jaw just dropped! Wow😮
I'm an EU woman and i made thecfirst steps in letting go of the EU guys. Now how do I fix me? When men are "too interested in me" it scares me and makes me feel like they are being to desperate or needy. But i see now that it just feels uncomfortable because I'm used to being rejected and not good enough.
Hi PrincessAmandaTV, when we say that we are not good enough and we are used to being rejected, it may reflect on the way we think about ourselves and our limiting beliefs. By changing our thought process towards our own self and building a level of self-love, it will help us to rediscover our deeper potentials in a romantic relationship. We feel that in your situation, our compatibility Code course is something that might be a good fit for you. As it will help you to define the type of person that you wanted to be in a relationship with while building a level of self-confidence and esteem. You can check that over here. >> modernlove.life/cc/
i came in to hear about the emotionally unavailable man cuz my ex, and glad i continue listen and learn to be aware of myself can be emotionally unavailable and repel the good people away from me.
The truth is I believe the unavailable man wants you to do something that is not usual, like most men do not get surprise gifts or help so when a woman does it suddenly or surprisingly it triggers something in the man to know he is really dealing with a rare woman and this wins his confidence, also remember his birthday and say sweet things making him feel special will definitely unlock an unavailable man. I am speaking from experience, people have different love languages just find it or atleast try. Thanks.
I am 5 years younger than him and earn half as much as he does. I took him out on expensive dinners ($150+ per person), bought him surprise gifts, sent him Uber delivery when he was working late, paid for my own plane ticket to an out-of-province wedding to which he invited me. Surprised him with sexy lingerie, took care of him when he was sick, cooked for him, was kind and respectful to his family members and friends. (To be fair, he was also very generous and respectful and loving as well). I did all of these 'unusual' things, not because I ever felt like I had to but because I genuinely wanted to from the bottom of my heart; he still blindsided me and broke up with me at the first sign of conflict.
Loved how you kept it simple about the he/hers pronauns.
This is a hard topic for you. Your nonverbal cues tell a story of why you teach this. It is all clear 😇 but I am here as well - so thank you for being vulnerable. It is much appreciated.
Wow, thank you.
Emotional available people's get hurt and disappointed most
Information on point. Thank you SO much for this video. Very helpful.
You're welcome, Christina and we appreciate your time in watching our videos. :-)
I feel like I’ve become emotionally unavailable man to cope with life.
Tell us more, I'm struggling with mine!
Love it, this has more information then the last three years trying to figure this out. Just liked, subscribed and will share.
Thank you so much, Anda. :-)
I have heard that statement before when you said that an emotionally unavailable woman would be disinterested in an emotionally available man and I agree to everything you said about the past of that kind of a woman, yes that has been my experience. But what do you do when you set the boundaries and you NEVER meet someone who is emotionally available? I have met guys coming out of a restaurant, online dating, dated in church and everyone has been emotionally unavailable. I know some would say it’s my energy and I agree, but how can I fix it? Without trying to fix the person because I know that’s a no-no. I want a loving relationship. But I don’t think I have ever met someone who’s emotionally available. I also had a very traumatic childhood, and I have a very toxic religious family I’m striving to rebuild and redirect my old habits...I hope someone can give me some feedback.
I got the info, after watching the Live video to the end. I still would a appreciate any feedback.
Hi Cameron, It seems that most of your concerns are coming from different aspects. Like what you have mentioned, you experienced a traumatic childhood, toxic religious family and you have that intent to redirect your old habits. It is the way that you would rewire the thought process that might help you a lot. Maybe our Compatibility Code program would be perfect for you. :-)
Wow this is actually so interesting. I am an emotional unavailable woman who turned down a lot of men because I saw all the imperfections and got bored quickly. Last year I fell in love with an emotional unavailable man. He was the first person to actually fit all my criteria. He was exactly this perfect guy I had made up in my mind. And he existed in real life. During our talks it became clear that he felt the same, all the women he met were boring to him and he never gave them a chance. But I was his perfect woman. So we became available to each other. But in the end, he still couldn't fight his nature and ran away. He got scared of commitment and left. Now I'm back at being unavailable and turning down all men who show interest...
Deserved
This was almost perfectly accurate with my ex and I except that I as a woman am the unavailable man, and my ex as the man was the unavailable woman. He was always insecure and scared of loosing me and the more he did that he pushed me further away. And I was the one seeking the perfect partner of which he had many shortcomings aside from the biggest ones being his jealousy, insecurity and clingyness. But I believe I have changed and want him back now but he has moved on from me😔 and is now in a rebound. All these tips never talk about how to get an ex back if you were the emotionally unavailable person.
As you were describing the emotionally unavailable man.. You described me from top to bottom and I'm a woman 😱
@Kyra, So does that mean there's a possibility that you may be emotionally unavailable at this time?
@@ClayAndrews Yeah. Have been for years. I've been trying to correct it, I'm just unsure of how to do so.
You have to fully accept and let go of the things that hold you back from the past. In that way, you can slowly open yourself emotionally to the present.
My bf of 3 months is very toxic and not affectionate. Is embarrassed to tell his family about me because I have kids and manager at applebees. He will ignore my texts and has distant himself from me. I have tried to end it before and he sucks me back in. He has a lot if signs of emotionally unavailable. I'm getting ready to break up with him. I can't do this.. everything is on his terms. I don't feel like I'm apart of his life. He makes more money then me and is always trying to pay for everything. Like I can't afford because I make less then him. Says he will take off if I get pregnant but purposely finishes in me.. uggh
LEAVE!
Answered a lot of my questions. Thanks a lot for this video. Love from India
You're welcome, Musafir and glad that our video had resonated with you. :-)
As of last night my ex girlfriend has told me for the second time. ( I don’t have the time, energy, or patience ). Concerning the lack of answering certain questions I ask. These questions, and remarks I know should stir up emotions. ( Says I know she can’t give me the proper time to answer my text properly. Then says I’ll talk to you next month). I guess she said next month, because I asked did she want more space in prior text. Finally answered in her own way.
I have been being unconditionally understanding, respectful to her wishes. I acknowledge the type of profession being a language teacher. Everyone gets swamped, and backed up with work sometimes. There is 24 hours with in a day to at least reach out, and acknowledge someone. Although the perfect text takes a lot of thought emotionally.
One moment I thought I was about in the third phase, now back to 2nd, and first with her last response.
How to keep it moving forward positively in getting past the 3rd phase, without her lapsing backwards seeming heartless???
This is so true sadly. I am the emotionally unavailable woman.
Hi Cleora, What are the things you have done so far to become more emotionally available?
I recently found out my ex was back with another ex gf. That’s 2 since he broke up 8/17/20 plus 1 trashy girl he use to hookup with. None of these past relationships ever worked before. Why did he think they would again? He and have been doing really good since reconnecting in November. I’ve changed and corrected what caused him to leave and we’ve been spending a lot of quality time together. Just hard for me to stomach the fact that he could just pick back up with others so fast after leaving me. Makes me feel like he really didn’t love me. I haven’t slept with anyone else since the first day we got together 3 years ago.
For me it was being taught men aren't emotional and being raised around a violent psychopath that manipulated people with emotions. Being punished for trying to love someone. It wasnt being overwhelmed by choice, but I can agree that it stems from being overwhelmed. The mental construct is the anima. Most young men dont have to be emotionally available because young women are so physically available. And from my experience being overtly emotional with a woman tends to make them loose attraction. Though that varies.
This was a great video! Very deep and very educational thank you pictures
Thank you for this valuable information which makes 💯% sense 👍 very much appreciated.
Thank you for watching!
Welcome to my world. Thank you Clay!
The whole video is all about cluster B individuals. Narcissistic , Antisocial, Histrionic, Borderline personality disorder. Its sounds crazy but they all exist.
Interesting! Could you let me know what the first, 'men's version' is related to? It is totally me, as a straight woman.
Fantastic content. So illuminating! Very grateful. Thank you!!
Glad that our videos had resonated with you, Dana. :-)
Good listen!
Valentines Day is coming up also. I know better than to buy a gift, and send it. I have learned to stop being so nice in that way. Should I contact her on that day???
Great vid but as all inclusive as it is, it leaves out the paradox & highly complex topic of emotionalally unavailable partners. Those who ARE in a relationship or marriage & think they are ready for one, but literally do not behave appropriately & are emotionally shut off from how they were raised & attachment style. They also have extremely difficult time explaining their feelings in a healthy way or communicating in a way that respects yours, bc they themselves are so disconnected w their own feelings. I've lived with dealing w this dynamic from my bf for 5 years & I'm seeing a councelor bc I'm losing it. Whether he goes is another story
I spent a ton of time researching and finally came to the conclusion that I push healthy (available) men away with my neediness and attract emotionally unavailable men that I then spend all my time trying to catch because I’ve been conditioned since birth to chase after my mom and dads love 😢. Turns out he is a narcissist and she is emotionally shut down and oblivious. I’ve stopped dating to work on my trauma and the sht I’ve unpacked is bonkers. Turns out I have borderline personality disorder. Yay. A few years ago I just thought my family (including me) just had general dysfunction. To see it all play out all over again before my CLEAR eyes is so surreal I can’t even explain it. If you’re reading this and relate to a dysfunctional family- your parents might also be emotionally unavailable, which means either you are too or you’re like me and anxiously attached (fearful of abandonment).
Yes you are right. It's true that emotionally balanced men might see neediness as a sign of personal struggles, which could affect the health of a relationship. However, as long as there's open and meaningful communication, and you're actively addressing and sharing your efforts to overcome this issue, a genuinely healthy man should be understanding and not see it as a dealbreaker. Recognizing the problem is a important first step. Speaking from my own experience of coming from a dysfunctional family, I've worked hard to avoid becoming emotionally unavailable or anxiously attached, and I am quit positive I never projected these issues in my relationships. Instead, my pets have filled that role for me, they don't mind being overly attached, especially when I've raised them from a young age and they've formed a deep bond with me. At the end of the day it's definitely possible to address and heal from this dysfunction or at least compensate in a way that would not affect romantic relationships as long person can build trust toward other people, especially toward the opposite gender. (sadly many people with this dysfunction can't and these people should probably seek help).
I am a member of ESP and the MLA and currently working to get my ex back. I have been listening to these live streams and I'm worried that my ex is emotionally unavailable. We were in a serious, committed relationship for 7 months and for at least 5 months of our relationship he thought I was absolutely perfect but then he started noticing my "flaws" and broke up with me (of course there was also other underlying problems too, such as lack of communication and sweeping our problems under the rug). It also seems that he may have been fast forwarding our relationship (meeting the parents, going on a trip together, etc.), we were both so happy with each other that I didn't think anything of this at the time. I am in riding the dragon and am not ready to give up because we truly did have an amazing relationship but now I'm not sure how to proceed after realizing that this likely makes him emotionally unavailable by constantly seeking perfection. I'm somewhat expecting you to tell me what you say frequently, that I need to decide if I'm willing to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, and like I said, I don't want this to be the reason I give up. Recognizing this now, what is the best way to move forward? How does this change working to get him back? Apologies for the vague question!
Katie Stephenson this is EXACTLY my story. Exactly it. Fast paced, felt amazing, moved forward fast but inside this very thing is and was the problem. She idealised the idea of what she felt, the love and emotional bond, then when my imperfections showed (nothing major) or when the honeymoon period passed she appeared to almost become ‘disappointed’ and disappeared. There was love there. The best there could be but there are deep deep connective and communicative problems. We hit a wall and it doesn’t appear it can or will come down.
T Bo wow sounds very similar! It’s crazy to me because I never thought about it as emotional unavailability but the way clay described it in this video was spot on...
Yep. He’s fantastic. I had no idea until we spent two weeks together and started researching what it actually was I was experiencing and here we are..
Thank you for making this video!
May I ask you something?
A friend, that I think could be emotionally unavailabe, ended our friendship 2 weeks ago. We were pretty close friends in the beginning - we’ve for example wrote each other personal letters. They told me, they want to open up to me/they just need me to give them time. They often talked about failed ex-relationships etc and they told me, they are bad at keeping friends, because they aren’t as invested in those.
I wanted to show them, that they wouldn’t lose me and I wanted to do everything right. Unfortunately I’ve developed deeper feeling for them (I’m still not sure if it was love or something different, we’re the same sex. But they took it as a confession when I wrote this down in a letter for them.) After telling them, they cut contact. Before this, they would say I’m important to them-after this, they couldn’t say anything.
We didn’t talk for months and I felt really hurt and rejected/let down. After I reached out to them after this time, they were okay with trying again. But they wanted a completely superficial friendship-not as deep as it was. I tried being okay with it, but I clearly wasn’t. Because it didn’t make sense to me and they were so important to me.
I overthinked everything that was different than before. It started to feel hella onesided emotional. They told me to stop overthinking when they didn’t respond to my texts. But I did. And I wanted to talk clearly with them.
But as I suggested talking about the whole thing, they didn’t want to. Even after I’ve explained to them, why I thought that would be a good idea for both of us.
They blocked me. Told me things like “Too much happened/It destroyed my trust that u didn’t tell me about your feelings/There are too many emotions to put into words/I really tried to not let you down after the letter/I need to protect myself/I’ve always tried to tell you what I’m feeling but you never understood/We’re comstantly hurting each other”
I was shocked tbh. I never intended to hurt them. I’ve always tried to understand them and I was really hurt hearing that I didn’t do so. I wanted to be there for them in the long run.
Now I think I’ve hurt them without even realizing. I mean, I feel hurt too, we surely both done things wrong. But..
should I apologize to them? Maybe writing them a rather short letter? I just feel bad..
Please don't , they are narcissist leave them .
They were gaslighting you .
Amazing video thank you so much
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank God I found this video. It was a breakthrough for me.
Thank you Clay.
You're very welcome. ;-)
Very good video. Thank you!!!!
Wow! This helps me a bunch.?thank you for your explanation.
Glad it helped!
Wow thank you this really helped me understand a lot of what happened to me.
Glad it helped. :-)
wow. I’m Brocken and I feel terrible about it. I wish I could change. I really do. 😔
Thankyou for this ,I know now I’m probably an emotionally unavailable women,and have been talking to a guy for 3 years now and have strong feelings for him & visa versa but we only met up one time and now I know why 🙈 this makes me feel like a fool but lesson learned 👍 thanks again X
I disagree with why an unemotional woman would want to be with a man like this. It’s really because they are comfortable with the lack of love, they’ve never had it so it’s normal, they are used to not being important, a priority, included, praised. It’s all they know so they stay with these types of men
Thanks for sharing your insights too. :-) We truly appreciate that.
I agree with this point. It's uncomfortable to get something you never had and never allow yourself to have.
It is probably a combination of both points. Yes your point is the core reason why she chooses an emotionally unavailable man but he also saduce her by love bombing her at beginning of a relationship which plays on her neglecting her insecurities.
GREAT Video! Wow!
Glad you enjoyed it.
This describes my whole life lol. Thanks
Hey, I enjoyed your video, and have subscribed temporarily....
however I would love to see you elaborate on one thing… I happen to be incredibly emotionally available… And there’s no doubt about this… And yet, 23 years ago I married a man that I knew was emotionally unavailable, because I loved all the other things about him… And I saw it as a matter of maturity… I simply thought he would grow out of it… Well he never did… But I do get a little tired of people suggesting that I must also be emotionally unavailable just because I chose him… These people tend to have remarkable qualities, except in this one way they’re stunted
You just explained me. I am an emotionally unavailable man, how do I fix this?
There must be some things from your past experiences that you may need to have closure. Try to make amends from the things of the past that is holding you from being emotionally availalble
What about the Unmeshment Families? Do you feel that plays a role in unemotionally available men/women relationships? Thank you in advance!
Perfect explanation
I need help with my ex. He wants to be friends foreseeable future and for me to be in his life but he ignores me and acts cold towards me. He said that too much has happened for him to deal with it and he doesn't want me, I really don't know what to do. Everyone is telling me to stay friends with him and it will get easier but it hurt seeing him so unbothered and happy without me
Bacon lover following
Block him
11:49 AND UH.. That’s great! 😂😂😂omg so hilarious
This is excellent.
Thank you, Dana. :-)
Hey ,
Thanks for this...
I saw my ex yestrday .. and he said that he loves me ..
You're welcome. :-)
Emotional unavailability is neglect and is a form of abuse. It's tempting to give the other person a chance to open up. We want to proof ourselves to them. I wish they knew how damaging it is for their partner's mental health. When it happens repeatedly it can truly push someone on the edge of suicide thinking they don't deserve anyone good in life. And they that they are worthless.
Q: how do you make it work when there are two emotionally unavailable people?
Excellent content. Hear your NLP training & it’s awesome
Thank you for the compliment, Linnea Media. :-)
The best video on so far. It helps me allot
Thank you, Research Me :-)
wow! first video i see from you but wow this is such a great videoQQQQ
Thank you so much!!
You should make a video on how to deal with others idiosyncrasies and how to accept and work around that. Because I guess no one's finds the perfect person.
Are there any specific idiosyncrasies that you are dealing with right now?
Clay Andrews I'm trying to let go of a woman that doesn't believe in marriage, I do, but she always after me, Everytime she gets mad she never picks up my calls, lol, never wants to sit down and clear things out. I have to always play detective and interrogate her in a harsh persistent way to get the truths out of her, and unfortunately this has gone for 7 years, because I try to end it up but she always keeping in touch and setting dates. When I ask her if we should live together she says maybe, or beat around the bush, etc. She still in contact with her ex. I have never understand her or what is she about. A very idiosyncratic person 🤔. Because I have let this go for so long I have developed resentment towards her and I think maybe hate....
Clay Andrews just for the purpose of this information may Benefit anyone else, this is how my experience went: The first 2 years I ASSUMED she wanted the same things I did like living together and/or marrying, the 3rd third year I developed doubts about her commitment and started the interrogation and bothering process getting truths out of her like she doesn't want to marry, she never thought of us living together, she didn't wanted to bring a man near her daughter, who anyway left her when she grew up, the 5th year we were trying to turn everything into a friendship because of the feelings we didn't wanted to totally let go of us, I also had ver deep feelings for her and cared deeply about her, the 6th year we are realizing is impossible to see each other as a friend, and I still asked her once again if she wanted to fulfill things out and she rejected, the 7th year I was so fed up of her I tried multiple times to cut contact with her, and now I'm almost cutting her but feeling angry at her and maybe not wanting to know about her ever again. Lesson I learned was to make things clear early enough in the relationship. Also I started with her after she recently separated from her 15 year relationship.
Clay Andrews and thank you for your replies
This description of the “unavailable man” is the most accurate description of how I behaved most of my adult life. The “unavailable women” I hung out with were my payback.. I suspect being unavailable triggers arousal in available people.
Actually being unavailable triggers arousal in other unavailable people. It repels available people.
This is an amazing analysis. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
mind blowing
What would you say about people who can be flexible being in either emotionally available or emotionally unavailable relationships depending on what the other person wants?
First of all, we really cannot dictate whether we can be emotionally available or not nor adjust to what the other people wants. Though we really cannot tell the truth of what they truly feel as at the end of the day, they are the only person who knows the reality of what they truly feel.
I feel like I’m getting worse. How can I fix this? I am in therapy and have been damn near my whole life.
Hi Edie, If our mindset is about fixing, it may come from a place of taking control over things. Remember that there are things that we can control and not have control of. The reason why we may get the worst feelings maybe because we are coming from a place of attachment to the outcome. Therapies can truly be beneficial so continue doing that as well.
You were made for this 👌🏼☺️
That's truly a compliment. :-) Thank you.
How do you become emotionally available again?
You have to work on healing and being secure of your emotions. there are no exact strategy for that but it will depend on the level of acceptance and how you have moved forward from your past relationship.
This is so helpful & I love it!
Thank you, Sparkling in the Void. It's really heartwarming to hear that our videos are helpful towards someone's journey. :-)
Clay Andrews Well thank you so much for putting this stuff out! New sub!!
I am an emotionally unavailable woman i relate to everything he said and I am not a bad person but its just that I cannot be with someone who is not perfect not only physically but in different aspects like he loves me the way I want him to love me he to talk me in a way I like and if he doesn't it feels like he's not the right person and should wait for the perfect one
Hi smile forever , In dating, you really don't have to wit. Continue to meet people and get to know them. As long as you are defined with your 5 x 5 list, you can keep in check if the person you are dating is something that fits your personal values and criteria in a meaningful relationship. :-)
I am definitely with a person who is emotionally unavailable she can't even kiss me I have to initiate everything and it feels like she's Halo
Ditto brother. Luckily for me she dropped me 3 weeks ago. I got the impression she has done this to hundreds and hundreds of guys. I already feel sorry for her next victim!
I'm dating an EU person- he seem like he does love me but..he's really distant
I wanna learn more about EU so I'll know how to handle him- but
Should I stay or should I go?
I do love him and I want to be there for him, he just might be scared but from what? He won't answer me of course
But I'm not giving up
You can always do the 5x5 list exercise to assess the the person that you are dating to see if he fits your personal values and dealbreakers.
@@ClayAndrews What's the 5x5 list exercise?
Love this
Thank you, Rachel. :-)
You are so right it opened my eyes thank you so much 😊
Hey Clay, urgent help needed!
I fucked up... Big time. Me and my ex were on texting terms, she remained cold and distant but was open to texting. I was getting anxious and asked one of her friends about her, her friend then told her that i was in contact with her amd my ex flew off the handle.... I got a series of text saying that i lied to her as i said that i wouldn't contact her friends. She said she tried to be friends with me but now she is done. I was going to call her and apologize for my actions explaining that i have grown alot since our breakup but what i did was a big back step. Is this a good idea? I want to put this to bed and get back on talking terms with her, please help me clay.
Thank you
Update: today she blocked me even though i respected her wish for me to stop contacting her... She sent me three texts over two days "accidentally". Same thing this morning but i was blocked so i cudnt reply
Hi Davy, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. We understand how tough this must be for you. for now, try to respect your ex's personal space until emotions had settled down. The more we will push her to talk while her emotions are still not in great shape, the more she will possibly put her wall up.
How do you know in the first place or eventually what is her or his ideal? 🤔
You can get a good sense of what a person's ideal partner is by talking with them, understanding what their aspirations in life are, values, etc. Then you can ask yourself what sort of person would be compatible with that?
Thanks! I needed this! :)
You're welcome, Sarah. :-)
Why are emotionally unavailable people obsessed with perfection ?
Maybe it's not really with perfection but it is more of putting their commitment towards the relationship.
@Julia Gulia usually people who are emotionally unavailable dont get much praise or affirmation from parents so that's the first time I heard that.
Because perfection doesn't exist, therefore, it gives the emotionally unavailable person an excuse or reason to bail out or stay single and not risk the vulnerability that a committed relationship requires. It's self sabotage
They want perfection because they know it doesn’t exist. It’s just a smokescreen for them to hide behind.
@@zeus-ow8li you nailed it!