My grandparents took my brother and me to their home for a month every summer... If they want to spend time with the grandkids, that's a much better option. As the kid, I didn't even find it healthy when my grandparents stayed at our house for a week! Too much tension developed between my dad and his dad after just a few days. But at their place, that tension didn't exist and we were actually able to enjoy being with them.
I'm so scared of conflict. Even if I know the truth..because I'm introverted people think I'm stupid and know less so there is so much intimidation in it. When I speak up, people almost feel threatened and treat me as if I don't know what I am talking about so I feel rage and anger. How can I work on this? What should I do?
Maybe find opportunities to practice in small ways and make it a regular priority to practice in low risk situations. That can help you gain confidence and become better. Also, maybe you’re letting things build up and then when you do speak up … you come across angry . It sounds like you’re waiting until you are fed up maybe??? And that leaks out in your conversation. I’d encourage starting small and don’t let things build up in your relationships. For big things, I have had success by writing it down … letting it sit for a few days … read it again to see how I am coming across and actually reading it to the person I needed to talk to. I also told them I was a little nervous and that my heart is not to come across in a negative way towards them. Then I read it .. This worked well too beverage I didn’t have to worry about forgetting something… wish you the best!
I’m confused why we are “lying down” for the in-laws’ announcement regarding visiting for a month. They are not tuned in to the world around them; if they were, they would understand this expectation may be waaay too much for the daughter and SIL. “We have a lot going on this summer (eg, remaining sane) but would love for you to come stay with us for a week/2 weeks.” If they choose to come for a month, they can stay elsewhere the remainder of the time, and you lovingly set up expectations re your availability during their time in town.
so, tonight he got mad at me for I guess for not cooking his dinner right? First he got real quiet then he stormed out of the apartment to go get something to eat. I didn't burn dinner or anything like that, I think I just didn't exactly the way he wanted it. So he left and I cleaned up after cooking and went upstairs to my room. When he came home I could hear him downstairs banging things, throwing things and breaking things, it was real scary to listen to. I don't have anybody else to vent to so I express myself here. Is this normal for men to get mad like this?
No it isn't normal. This is a man with a bunch of anger about something other than how dinner was prepared. He is just venting his anger on you and stuff in the house because it's easier to do that versus directly deal with whatever it is that has him so wound up. You didn't say what relationship this man has to you. If it was my husband I'd invite him to go to an outside but public place and have a calm and caring discussion about what is really bothering him. I suggest this setting because you may not be safe to have this discussion at home. If it was anyone else not your husband, I'd be looking for another living arrangement.
How come female friends, will call themselves friends but pull stuff like this. A guy would admit to take someone else’s job but not make it seem like he is not at fault.
Yes I have a personal bias here that I will freely disclose as I have lost very close female friends ( Yes in person friends of 10-25 years n not simply childhood friends that understandably people may outgrow once they leave their community) because of their failure to be honest n real when it mattered. It took me a long time to understand that they are likely the victims of how they were raised n what they had modelled for them in terms of conflict resolution. At the time n for many years after even today to a lesser degree however, it was so hurtful n painful n messed me up for quite awhile..At the time I was really blindsided n it felt so personal especially when it was done by more than one friend. It's very difficult to not take it personally but yet I always had this sneaking suspicion that it wasn't so much about me or certainly not all about me n it was really mote of a reflection of these friends ( some of whom were related n also in the same friend group of 20 plus years) There were many reasons I thought it couldn't just be something I did or didn't do or was or wasn't but of course it can feel like that whether were 14 or 42. I just knew if it was something obvious well I would certainly know that myself. If it was something beyond the pale n a clear violation of someone's trust like stealing, sleeping with someone's spouse,putting their child in harms way somehow id also know that. No real clear reason was given by my best friend who I did write to or text over a year later mentioning that I was going to therapy and some of the things I was working on n how it would be helpful if she could be a little more specific as to what it was that wasn't working for her that she felt the only alternative for her was to end the friendship entirely. I didn't try to defend myself or tell her how cruel I thought it was n why to me anyway it seemed very out of the blue as I didn't think that was appropriate n she might have declined to respond. To her credit she did respond but it still wasn't a specific reason n she even went so far as to make it sound like she was being considerate by not really telling me n said I don't think any good would come from getting into specifics n something about how we both should just take what we both learned from our time together n wish each other well n move on or something like that. She added a few niceties at the end about how I have some really great qualities n really wished the best for me. I still found this cowardly but at same time I was glad she at least responded. It took me years to realize why I was glad that even though I didn't get a specific answer from her I did get more clarity about the situation. It was over a year later so any in the moment anger that she or I would have had would surely be gone, she knew I was in therapy n through common friends likely knew how bad my life had gotten not all because of this but certainly a factor as was strained relationship with my parents n having lost another job this time during the financial crisis of 2008 n yet she never could actually give me anything concrete that I would do well to change in future friendships or at least why she ended ours. If anything I was a much better person and friend near the ending of my friendships as I was first friends with these people from 16-20 n most people grow from them as I certainly did but nobody was ending friendships with me during all that time. Not to say that there wasn't an argument or fight with this friend from time to time. What I think happened and she just had guilt about it that she projected into me in the way John accurately described. She didn't want to have the hard conversation which was I don't have as much time for you now that I have 2 kids. I had the time when I just had a husband and a dog n a cat n even sometimes when I had a job n I enjoyed our funny, heartfelt n even serious conversations n so many inside jokes n us sharing our day to day struggles or a job situation or a marriage or guy situation or family situation ( she didn't have great relationships with most family members either) but I feel bad that I'm your best friend n you dont have a husband n kids n I worry that your life will only get harder n I don't want to feel guilty that I can't fix it or that I can't even find the time to give you emotional support anymore bc I'm too busy with my husband n kids n trying to build a life in this new town where hopefully we will put down some roots ( they had been moving every couple of years all over the east coast for his job) Instead of just saying this or emailing me this she likely stopped feeling guilty which I never made her feel. I never complained that we weren't in touch as much or she had to get off the phone sooner than I or sooner than she used to have to. I really understood n that's just life. People are in different stages. We still had a strong connection I felt n she gave that impression writing beautiful words to that effect even up to a month prior to her pulling the plug on our friendship and the year prior when my friends and I all celebrated my 40th birthday in Atlantic City. She had actually taken the time n creativity compose a beautiful n funny poem about me. Not exactly the thing you do if someone is getting on your last nerve or you've sort of outgrown the friendship. When you have that kind of connection and friendship that doesn't come around every day you should really treasure it n be grateful for it not just to make a poem but to demonstrate this in your actions even if you're friend inadvertently upset you or does something to offend you or if you just don't have the time for her anymore n it's has really nothing to do with her. it's really cruel to make it like there was something did or was that was so off putting that I was completely unaware of but caused me to lose my best friend n by extension several others ( not that I think she knew that would happen for the most part) I can't imagine that she ever imagine the course of events that were partly set in motion by her decision n of course she's not responsible for all of that. Everyone makes their own decisions in life n we can be impacted n shaped but ultimately not responsible for it. Over the past few years reading n hearing about how so many young as well as older people don't even have friends, never had friends n or how difficult it is to make friends especially over 40, I'm proud of the friends I did make n the friend I at least was as that's all I can control. I do have some new friends for past 5-12 years n that has certainly helped but I never fully got over losing my old friends n I'm sure I never will. The only thing good about that is I knew what to look for in a friend and how to make connections n memories with people. You never know how other people will handle things into very challenging situations arise n then all we can do is accept their decision gracefully no matter how much it hurts us at the time n how much we suspect it will hurt them in the future as well as their kids who they have set poor examples for. I would be very surprised if she ever found a friend who she had as much fun with,as much in common with n was as loyal and good of a friend as I was and would have been had our friendship continued with us now into our mid 50's n beyond. I did learn that she got divorced a few years later n while I wasn't surprised I was still sad for her but glad she at least had other friends to lean on. I did not like this caller laughing so much throughout the call yet perhaps a bit of it was nervous laughter as some people really struggle with this. At the end she said she was terrified. Scared n emotionally insecure people like this often project their own weakness onto others. Yes it's good to understand that other people often feel similar to you as it's part of the human condition but not always to the same degree. She said that her friend would probably put on a brave or false front but internally be upset. So what? Deal with it. Yes it's a little awkward but you made it more awkward than it had to be n maybe deep down you do feel guilty for taking her job ( not saying you should ) so you've created a situation that will just make it harder for the friend to deal with n maybe now mishandle herself and you can feel better about yourself for taking her job bc she wasn't a very good friend anyway, after all look how she handled it or you can justify why you weren't honest with her from the beginning by saying " See I knew she would react this way. That's why I never told her". John is right her reaction is her responsibility but you can be honest n own your role in the communication. She may also be projecting. Perhaps if the situation were reversed she would be furious or like she thinks a the friend will do which is to pretend shes fine but not really be. Damn it's so difficult to be a reasonably healthy woman amongst so many unhealthy ones who hide behind their pretend niceness. For all the talk about male toxicity,women need to look in the mirror and see how they are contributing to problems in their own relationships n the examples they are setting for their daughters who are even worse at conflict resolution.
John, John, John: parent noun par·ent ˈper-ənt 1a: one that begets or brings forth offspring just became parents of twins b: person who brings up and cares for another✅ parent verb parented; parenting; parents transitive verb : to be or act as the parent of ✅ intransitive verb : to be or act as a parent ✅
My grandparents took my brother and me to their home for a month every summer... If they want to spend time with the grandkids, that's a much better option. As the kid, I didn't even find it healthy when my grandparents stayed at our house for a week! Too much tension developed between my dad and his dad after just a few days. But at their place, that tension didn't exist and we were actually able to enjoy being with them.
I'm so scared of conflict. Even if I know the truth..because I'm introverted people think I'm stupid and know less so there is so much intimidation in it. When I speak up, people almost feel threatened and treat me as if I don't know what I am talking about so I feel rage and anger. How can I work on this? What should I do?
Maybe find opportunities to practice in small ways and make it a regular priority to practice in low risk situations. That can help you gain confidence and become better. Also, maybe you’re letting things build up and then when you do speak up … you come across angry . It sounds like you’re waiting until you are fed up maybe??? And that leaks out in your conversation. I’d encourage starting small and don’t let things build up in your relationships. For big things, I have had success by writing it down … letting it sit for a few days … read it again to see how I am coming across and actually reading it to the person I needed to talk to. I also told them I was a little nervous and that my heart is not to come across in a negative way towards them. Then I read it .. This worked well too beverage I didn’t have to worry about forgetting something… wish you the best!
Also, anxiety about the conversation could come across as anger. Take some deep breaths to help calm your body.
Never let anybody especially in-laws stay more than a couple of days in your house. That’s absolutely nuts I don’t care how much you like them, lol.
yep a three-wheel bike is a trike . a friend of mine had one
“To speak to be heard, not just to have said something” ~ Dr.John Delony
This speaks to my heart ❤️
I’m confused why we are “lying down” for the in-laws’ announcement regarding visiting for a month. They are not tuned in to the world around them; if they were, they would understand this expectation may be waaay too much for the daughter and SIL. “We have a lot going on this summer (eg, remaining sane) but would love for you to come stay with us for a week/2 weeks.” If they choose to come for a month, they can stay elsewhere the remainder of the time, and you lovingly set up expectations re your availability during their time in town.
so, tonight he got mad at me for I guess for not cooking his dinner right? First he got real quiet then he stormed out of the apartment to go get something to eat. I didn't burn dinner or anything like that, I think I just didn't exactly the way he wanted it. So he left and I cleaned up after cooking and went upstairs to my room. When he came home I could hear him downstairs banging things, throwing things and breaking things, it was real scary to listen to. I don't have anybody else to vent to so I express myself here. Is this normal for men to get mad like this?
No it isn't normal. This is a man with a bunch of anger about something other than how dinner was prepared. He is just venting his anger on you and stuff in the house because it's easier to do that versus directly deal with whatever it is that has him so wound up.
You didn't say what relationship this man has to you. If it was my husband I'd invite him to go to an outside but public place and have a calm and caring discussion about what is really bothering him. I suggest this setting because you may not be safe to have this discussion at home.
If it was anyone else not your husband, I'd be looking for another living arrangement.
No
No, this is not normal, and should not be your normal.
Great with professional confrontation. Not so great with interpersonal confrontation. This is such an important skill.
In-laws segment. Dr. John so funny 😅
It's a Trike
Maybe Tommy’s in-laws will have a glass of wine too.
How come female friends, will call themselves friends but pull stuff like this. A guy would admit to take someone else’s job but not make it seem like he is not at fault.
Yes I have a personal bias here that I will freely disclose as I have lost very close female friends ( Yes in person friends of 10-25 years n not simply childhood friends that understandably people may outgrow once they leave their community) because of their failure to be honest n real when it mattered. It took me a long time to understand that they are likely the victims of how they were raised n what they had modelled for them in terms of conflict resolution. At the time n for many years after even today to a lesser degree however, it was so hurtful n painful n messed me up for quite awhile..At the time I was really blindsided n it felt so personal especially when it was done by more than one friend. It's very difficult to not take it personally but yet I always had this sneaking suspicion that it wasn't so much about me or certainly not all about me n it was really mote of a reflection of these friends ( some of whom were related n also in the same friend group of 20 plus years) There were many reasons I thought it couldn't just be something I did or didn't do or was or wasn't but of course it can feel like that whether were 14 or 42. I just knew if it was something obvious well I would certainly know that myself. If it was something beyond the pale n a clear violation of someone's trust like stealing, sleeping with someone's spouse,putting their child in harms way somehow id also know that. No real clear reason was given by my best friend who I did write to or text over a year later mentioning that I was going to therapy and some of the things I was working on n how it would be helpful if she could be a little more specific as to what it was that wasn't working for her that she felt the only alternative for her was to end the friendship entirely. I didn't try to defend myself or tell her how cruel I thought it was n why to me anyway it seemed very out of the blue as I didn't think that was appropriate n she might have declined to respond. To her credit she did respond but it still wasn't a specific reason n she even went so far as to make it sound like she was being considerate by not really telling me n said I don't think any good would come from getting into specifics n something about how we both should just take what we both learned from our time together n wish each other well n move on or something like that. She added a few niceties at the end about how I have some really great qualities n really wished the best for me. I still found this cowardly but at same time I was glad she at least responded. It took me years to realize why I was glad that even though I didn't get a specific answer from her I did get more clarity about the situation. It was over a year later so any in the moment anger that she or I would have had would surely be gone, she knew I was in therapy n through common friends likely knew how bad my life had gotten not all because of this but certainly a factor as was strained relationship with my parents n having lost another job this time during the financial crisis of 2008 n yet she never could actually give me anything concrete that I would do well to change in future friendships or at least why she ended ours. If anything I was a much better person and friend near the ending of my friendships as I was first friends with these people from 16-20 n most people grow from them as I certainly did but nobody was ending friendships with me during all that time. Not to say that there wasn't an argument or fight with this friend from time to time. What I think happened and she just had guilt about it that she projected into me in the way John accurately described. She didn't want to have the hard conversation which was I don't have as much time for you now that I have 2 kids. I had the time when I just had a husband and a dog n a cat n even sometimes when I had a job n I enjoyed our funny, heartfelt n even serious conversations n so many inside jokes n us sharing our day to day struggles or a job situation or a marriage or guy situation or family situation ( she didn't have great relationships with most family members either) but I feel bad that I'm your best friend n you dont have a husband n kids n I worry that your life will only get harder n I don't want to feel guilty that I can't fix it or that I can't even find the time to give you emotional support anymore bc I'm too busy with my husband n kids n trying to build a life in this new town where hopefully we will put down some roots ( they had been moving every couple of years all over the east coast for his job) Instead of just saying this or emailing me this she likely stopped feeling guilty which I never made her feel. I never complained that we weren't in touch as much or she had to get off the phone sooner than I or sooner than she used to have to. I really understood n that's just life. People are in different stages. We still had a strong connection I felt n she gave that impression writing beautiful words to that effect even up to a month prior to her pulling the plug on our friendship and the year prior when my friends and I all celebrated my 40th birthday in Atlantic City. She had actually taken the time n creativity compose a beautiful n funny poem about me. Not exactly the thing you do if someone is getting on your last nerve or you've sort of outgrown the friendship. When you have that kind of connection and friendship that doesn't come around every day you should really treasure it n be grateful for it not just to make a poem but to demonstrate this in your actions even if you're friend inadvertently upset you or does something to offend you or if you just don't have the time for her anymore n it's has really nothing to do with her. it's really cruel to make it like there was something did or was that was so off putting that I was completely unaware of but caused me to lose my best friend n by extension several others ( not that I think she knew that would happen for the most part) I can't imagine that she ever imagine the course of events that were partly set in motion by her decision n of course she's not responsible for all of that. Everyone makes their own decisions in life n we can be impacted n shaped but ultimately not responsible for it. Over the past few years reading n hearing about how so many young as well as older people don't even have friends, never had friends n or how difficult it is to make friends especially over 40, I'm proud of the friends I did make n the friend I at least was as that's all I can control. I do have some new friends for past 5-12 years n that has certainly helped but I never fully got over losing my old friends n I'm sure I never will. The only thing good about that is I knew what to look for in a friend and how to make connections n memories with people. You never know how other people will handle things into very challenging situations arise n then all we can do is accept their decision gracefully no matter how much it hurts us at the time n how much we suspect it will hurt them in the future as well as their kids who they have set poor examples for. I would be very surprised if she ever found a friend who she had as much fun with,as much in common with n was as loyal and good of a friend as I was and would have been had our friendship continued with us now into our mid 50's n beyond. I did learn that she got divorced a few years later n while I wasn't surprised I was still sad for her but glad she at least had other friends to lean on. I did not like this caller laughing so much throughout the call yet perhaps a bit of it was nervous laughter as some people really struggle with this. At the end she said she was terrified. Scared n emotionally insecure people like this often project their own weakness onto others. Yes it's good to understand that other people often feel similar to you as it's part of the human condition but not always to the same degree. She said that her friend would probably put on a brave or false front but internally be upset. So what? Deal with it. Yes it's a little awkward but you made it more awkward than it had to be n maybe deep down you do feel guilty for taking her job ( not saying you should ) so you've created a situation that will just make it harder for the friend to deal with n maybe now mishandle herself and you can feel better about yourself for taking her job bc she wasn't a very good friend anyway, after all look how she handled it or you can justify why you weren't honest with her from the beginning by saying " See I knew she would react this way. That's why I never told her". John is right her reaction is her responsibility but you can be honest n own your role in the communication. She may also be projecting. Perhaps if the situation were reversed she would be furious or like she thinks a the friend will do which is to pretend shes fine but not really be. Damn it's so difficult to be a reasonably healthy woman amongst so many unhealthy ones who hide behind their pretend niceness. For all the talk about male toxicity,women need to look in the mirror and see how they are contributing to problems in their own relationships n the examples they are setting for their daughters who are even worse at conflict resolution.
Have the kids go be with the grandparents for the month of June.
How can I contact you in writing instead of calling?
He's got an email, but you gotta hunt around a bit to find it.
No such thing as a pet mom.
John, John, John:
parent
noun
par·ent ˈper-ənt
1a: one that begets or brings forth offspring
just became parents of twins
b: person who brings up and cares for another✅
parent
verb
parented; parenting; parents
transitive verb
: to be or act as the parent of ✅
intransitive verb
: to be or act as a parent ✅