I never had a ‘somethings wrong with me’ moment or ‘everyone is just joking’ - it was more a general acceptance that I wasn’t experiencing what others were and it wasn’t a big deal. I remember other kids asking me ‘do you like boys? Do you like girls?’ And being confused when I said no both times
That's how I felt too. I remember being asked if I liked boys or girls and saying no to both. I got made fun of because of it. So I forced myself to like girls and screwed up a lot. 😢 I wish I could go back and not force myself. It would've saved a lot of pain from happening.
I always thought movie tropes weren't just exaggerated but entirely made up. Like being turned on by someone you literally just met. Turns out, it's not made up. 😢
Even though I know it’s really important for most people and their relationships, stuff like number 4, “sex isn’t a priority to you” still surprises me that that has to be mentioned, because like why would sex be a priority?? In my mind, it’s *obvious* that personality is what’s most important, and it’s weird to know that not everyone thinks like that
Yeah it's taken until adulthood to learn I'm likely acespec, because as someone who had crushes and stuff growing up and had an interest in the concept/activity of sex (in fiction), I didn't have reason to think I was. I thought everyone thought and felt similarly to me, so I thought it was everyone's norm (sure I didn't engage in sexual activity like my peers, but it just simply didn't come up nor was I interested in the people who approached me, so why would I have, yknow?). It wasn't until I became an adult and unpacked that I might be bi, and got confused when I didn't relate to a lot of bi people, when I realised it wasn't so much that I'm actively INTO multiple genders, but that I'm the same level of not caring enough across genders. It took allo friends explicitly explaining what attraction feels like to them to be like WAIT what?! ("I didn't know you literally had a feeling of Wanting sexual activity with them!? I thought sexual attraction was enjoying looking at people??") and realising that my less interested norm was not in fact the norm for everyone that it started clicking
Your comment feels like you’ve reached directly into my brain to write it, this was exactly it for me as well, like word for word. Cool to know it can be a relatable experience!
I appreciate the discussion at 4:42 of attraction vs action When I was a teenager, I didn't feel attracted to anybody, the thought of sex grossed me out, and I didn't feel a need to try sex with anyone. I was confused by all the people around me who were very interested in sex Now, I'm in my 20s, I'm still not attracted to anybody, and allos are still unrelatable to me, but I want to have more sexual experiences. Media exposure over the years has made me grow a bit more accustomed to the gross parts of it, and I've always been someone who pursues new experiences. I want to try sex in the same way I want to travel to Europe or ride a new roller coaster. I'm not attracted to anyone, I just want to experience stuff Some people would think this makes me less ace, or would mean that I'm greysexual or demi. But I'm every bit as ace as I was at 15, and that isn't what the definitions of greysexual or demisexual mean. It seems so obvious to me that your sexuality and your actions are two different things, but some people have such a hard time grasping that
I'm an older cis/ace male with a ligh libido... talk about frustrating!!! I do NOT want sex, nor pursue anyone for that purpose. I look at self-work as something I do to relieve myself in order to make it go away, like going to the restroom... I have even gone as far as considering castration as a solution!
One time at my grandparents house me, my sister and my cousin were talking and i don't remember what the context was but i said "but who actually falls in love with anyone before like, college?" My cousin turned to me and was like: Me? I was so confused because i just assumed i was too young still.
I really do feel less alone when watching your videos. It's very comforting, your empathetic and understanding presence and the information as well as the validating words you provide are so good to hear. Honestly, I wish I had found these videos sooner - you're really making a difference for the path of finding oneself when being ace/aro and it's appreciated a lot! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and just being there.
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I try to bring the same energy and mentality to this that I bring to my classroom. I teach 6th grade so I think it shows lol
@@fluentlyaspecYou teach kids! Now retired, I was a gymnastics teacher, then childcare worker at the Y, "Childwatch". I miss it so much. Once as a joke I said I was schizo-sexual. Incredibly violent family, hits all over including groin
Thank you💜💜 still get insecure that no one will want to be with me, but I’m sure I’ll find my right person who not only tolerates my shy and awkward personality, but my aceness too
well, I'm def not ace. this vid was still very helpful for me tho and highlights the importance of open communication in relationships very well. as well as not forcing people (especially teen boys) to fit this sort of mold
I never understood how sex was important in relationships. Considering everyone that was do it never seemed to have long lasting relationships with sex involved.
ive been ace since i knew what sex was, due to past trauma and not fitting some perfectly i have quite a few different asexual labels that i flow through depending on my memory and feelings and the situations. i really love your channel and i think itd be cool if you covered some like aspectussexual, ARCflux, caedsexual, hypersexual and asexual in the same person, nebulasexual, cupiosexual, and other mostly unknown labels. no force, just think itd be awesome and itd be nice to see info ab it :3
After years of not being able to put all the puzzle pieces together, I finally realized I’m ace. I always noticed my friends going insane to desperately find someone to have sex with like a drug which never resonated with me. I could go way way longer with no sex than anyone I knew with no hindrance on my wellbeing. It’s just not interesting to me and I’ve had/provided amazing sex to partners past but it’s just not something I seek out (there are far more interesting facets to life)
My nephew is 32 and never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. Speaking on the subject of sex he acts like a shy teenager. He has never expressed an interest in sex.
I can't relate to the first 3 - everybody is different. (It was harder for me to come to terms with being aro and now I think I'm more aro than ace.) I actually have a libido, just not one I care to share with others. I always thought guys were attractive, just never thought beyond that. And of course I didn't want to have sex with anyone ... I was a good Christian girl and we were told we weren't supposed to entertain such thoughts.
I've always known I was ace I never felt like there was anything wrong with me I personally have met people that love sexual stuff into that stuff even had sex before the age of consent I'm trying to push it on me but I always refused I could never see what's so special about it or why is considering me even sexual content to me I see it as horrible advertisement asexuality has always fit me
I used to think sexual atracction and the whole concept of sex/romance/love was just a cultural invention, in my opinion one of the stupidest ideas human kind had created, and I used to think Freud was at fault for giving it relevance. One day it dawn on me that maybe it was not an invention, rather something people really felt and my sorprise was huge 😂 my whole vision of the world and people changed (I was 32 at the time). It really is very difficult to identify that you don't feel something you don't feel, and even more if you grew in a generation were you could either be hetero or homosexual. Speaking of the existence of asexuality and arromance is important so people who are in that spectum identify it
whenever i read a fanfiction that has a $ex scene i just kinda read past it like "yeah bla bla bla, get back to the plot...". i rearely ever enjoy them and i never intentionally seek them out and i dont understand why people feel the need to write that stuff. i much prefer just kissing and cuddling. in movies it doesnt bother me as much but i could live without it. in real life, i do see myself engaging in such activities one day, but 90% of the time im not in the mood for it. since i've never been in a relationship there's no one putting expectations onto me anyways so i dont care. i often see thirst traps online and while i do appreciate a nice body, i dont get h0rny looking at them and whenever a penis is visible i scroll past, because i dont want to see that. female genitalia doesnt disgust me like that, because i have a female body myself, but i still prefere to see them covered up. i must add, i'm not that old. but most people my age have consumed p0rn or hentai and some have even had intercourse. maybe i'll develop interest later, but it still feels off. i've thought about it for a while now, but i dont know. i also generally dont understand why people actively seek out $ex. i just want kisses and cuddles, a relaxed movie night watching back to the future or some late night talks while drinking beer in the garden. and someone to fall asleep next to at the end of the day
I don't think I'm ace, but maybe I am to some degree... I definitely have a drive and I like the idea of it, and when I was a late teenager/early young adult I did sleep with my boyfriends, even though it was always a very embarrassing affair for me, but it was always just a "meh" thing compared to what I expected it to be. I've since been single for 19 years and was happy to be alone for the rest of my life, but now I'm in a relationship again. As much as I love my boyfriend, I can't bring myself to even fully undress in front of him, let alone let him touch me below the waist. I'm a very shy and private person, and I think that would still be the case even if I didn't hate my body. I feel terrible about it and often wonder why he even stays with me. I try to make it up to him, but I don't know how long we'll last... He's definitely the right person for me, and he's been very loving and patient. I just...don't want to be touched. Or seen. By anyone. He probably thinks I must be asexual. I really want to do it with him, he does turn me on, but I know that if I tried, I would just be stressed and mortified the whole time and would be slapping his hands away and getting upset and trying to cover myself up, and that would definitely be a worse experience for us both...
"I feel terrible about it and often wonder why he even stays with me." Why not ask him? I thought u said he's the right person for you, but if you're not gonna talk about the important stuff, then he only knows the parts of you you offer. Perhaps you're afraid that if you showed him all of you he'd leave. Now, if you're in love, it's important that doesn't happen, but, as a random guy scrolling through the comments, allow me to give you my objective opinion given the information you've just provided. You've been fine alone for 19 years, you'll be fine without. You know, I know it, everyone else knows it. This is not to say you shouldn't care, I'm just sayin' that if you show your true self and he goes like, ewwwww (what's the worst he can say LOL), then you'll be fine, but at least you'd know, which would in turn offer you peace. Isn't that the goal? Damn, I thought your message was long. But I've got more I'd say you should be careful with your thoughts. There's a saying I really like, 'don't believe everything your brain tells you'. Example:"but I know that if I tried, I would just be stressed and mortified the whole time and would be slapping his hands away and getting upset and trying to cover myself up" My point is, be careful not to create your reality from your fears. Perhaps communicating would have a tremendously positive effect, but with that mentality, you'd get defensive and see shadow where there are none, switching the tune of the conversation into a negative one, and then wrongly concluding that you were right, further reinforcing your fears (*insert congratz, you played yourself meme* don't play yourself). Then again, there's also the posibility he reacts negatively from the get go. But we already talked about that in the first part, you'll be fine. And finally, in regards to: "He probably thinks I must be asexual. I really want to do it with him, he does turn me on". Sounds like a perspective exercise to me. What I mean by that is, life isn't what it is, but how we see it. I might be wrong, but in your case, you seem to see yourself as one entity, safe and sound in your cocoon, the boyfriend is his own thing as well, and you try to make it work like that. But that's stupid, the moment you talk about yourselves as part of a relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, the way I see it, you're one. Allow him to be you. I'm guessin you don't have any issues being naked by yourself, if that's indeed a problem, then I guess there's no help for you (jk, maybe, idk). Jokes aside, allow him to be part of your cocoon. This means that you enjoy eachother's bodies not for one another, it's no longer your and his sexual goals, it's simply your goal. This also comes with the benefit that his dick is your dick, and your boobs are his boobs. Congratunations, you weird lookin' mutants. But idk (Just so I'm not liable in case you take any of my advice and your life implodes, haha, ha) Good luck
So, full disclosure, I'm a sexual person, and so I'm interpreting your comment from that perspective. But to me, you don’t sound asexual. It sounds like you experience sexual attraction and desire, but that you're very nervous about acting on those feelings. Which is completely normal. It’s a very vulnerable act, so being with a new person will always be a little bit nerve wrecking. But that vulnerability is also what makes it so powerful and healing, for those of us who enjoy sex. It sounds like the sexual experiences you've had weren't that great, but it also sounds like you were teenagers fumbling in the dark. Which, believe me, is no one's sexual peak. You don't have immediately jump into fully nude sex if that makes you nervous. You can take it as slow as you want to. What's the lowest pressure sexual activity you can think of that you'd like to try? Is it kissing? Heavy petting? Cuddling? Maybe a tiny bit more? Don't want to take your clothes off? That's fine. How do you feel about letting him put his hands under your shirt?Would it be okay if he saw you in just your bra and panties? Maybe a little bit more coverage? And take it from there. If you want to. You might realize that these things aren't so terrifying when you are with someone you love and trust. Sensate focus especially might be a technique that you and your boyfriend might enjoy, it's a practice in sex therapy to help people connect to their own and their partner's body through gentle touch and caressing. No pressure to have sex! Just touch. Over the clothes, if that's more comfortable to the participants. And remember, no one but you can decide if you want to give sex another try, not even your boyfriend. And you should not do it just for him, but also for your own pleasure and exploration. So this comment is absolutely not meant to put any pressure on you, just to give you some ideas for low-stakes activities you could explore.
One thing I've also noticed (mostly in LGBTQ spaces) is the question of asexuality and whether its just being "sexually conservative" (even if only applied to oneself) i.e. do you just keep sexual feelings to yourself and not talk about it due to a feeling that private parts just need to remain private. Its better than it used to be, and Powered by Rainbows gave some very kind advice on the topic here: th-cam.com/video/TjBK3y2HGIM/w-d-xo.html&pp=ygUTcG93ZXJlZCBieSByYWluYm93cw%3D%3D But I have wondered whether the idea of sexual/romantic conservatism can make it harder to know if you are aspec?
It's interesting to me that the LGBTQ spaces you've interacted with conflate asexuality with sexual conservatism, because you would *really* not get that impression from a lot of the ace people I know. I attend queer groups and events in my city quite frequently, and have run into some very kinky aces. Two completely separate ace acquaintances of mine even have dildo collections
Yeah, i think i'm definitely not asexual and probably i'm in the exact opposite. I'm kind of nerdy and serious, so very often people assume i'm asexual.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 89 | คู่เอก "ยอดไอคิว vs คิริลล์"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Z3vYkHJ_5Ig/mqdefault.jpg)
I never had a ‘somethings wrong with me’ moment or ‘everyone is just joking’ - it was more a general acceptance that I wasn’t experiencing what others were and it wasn’t a big deal. I remember other kids asking me ‘do you like boys? Do you like girls?’ And being confused when I said no both times
That's how I felt too. I remember being asked if I liked boys or girls and saying no to both. I got made fun of because of it. So I forced myself to like girls and screwed up a lot. 😢 I wish I could go back and not force myself. It would've saved a lot of pain from happening.
I always thought movie tropes weren't just exaggerated but entirely made up. Like being turned on by someone you literally just met. Turns out, it's not made up. 😢
Even though I know it’s really important for most people and their relationships, stuff like number 4, “sex isn’t a priority to you” still surprises me that that has to be mentioned, because like why would sex be a priority?? In my mind, it’s *obvious* that personality is what’s most important, and it’s weird to know that not everyone thinks like that
Yeah it's taken until adulthood to learn I'm likely acespec, because as someone who had crushes and stuff growing up and had an interest in the concept/activity of sex (in fiction), I didn't have reason to think I was. I thought everyone thought and felt similarly to me, so I thought it was everyone's norm (sure I didn't engage in sexual activity like my peers, but it just simply didn't come up nor was I interested in the people who approached me, so why would I have, yknow?). It wasn't until I became an adult and unpacked that I might be bi, and got confused when I didn't relate to a lot of bi people, when I realised it wasn't so much that I'm actively INTO multiple genders, but that I'm the same level of not caring enough across genders. It took allo friends explicitly explaining what attraction feels like to them to be like WAIT what?! ("I didn't know you literally had a feeling of Wanting sexual activity with them!? I thought sexual attraction was enjoying looking at people??") and realising that my less interested norm was not in fact the norm for everyone that it started clicking
Your comment feels like you’ve reached directly into my brain to write it, this was exactly it for me as well, like word for word. Cool to know it can be a relatable experience!
Omg, finally someone with a very similar experience to mine!
I appreciate the discussion at 4:42 of attraction vs action
When I was a teenager, I didn't feel attracted to anybody, the thought of sex grossed me out, and I didn't feel a need to try sex with anyone. I was confused by all the people around me who were very interested in sex
Now, I'm in my 20s, I'm still not attracted to anybody, and allos are still unrelatable to me, but I want to have more sexual experiences. Media exposure over the years has made me grow a bit more accustomed to the gross parts of it, and I've always been someone who pursues new experiences. I want to try sex in the same way I want to travel to Europe or ride a new roller coaster. I'm not attracted to anyone, I just want to experience stuff
Some people would think this makes me less ace, or would mean that I'm greysexual or demi. But I'm every bit as ace as I was at 15, and that isn't what the definitions of greysexual or demisexual mean. It seems so obvious to me that your sexuality and your actions are two different things, but some people have such a hard time grasping that
I'm an older cis/ace male with a ligh libido... talk about frustrating!!!
I do NOT want sex, nor pursue anyone for that purpose. I look at self-work as something I do to relieve myself in order to make it go away, like going to the restroom... I have even gone as far as considering castration as a solution!
One time at my grandparents house me, my sister and my cousin were talking and i don't remember what the context was but i said "but who actually falls in love with anyone before like, college?" My cousin turned to me and was like: Me?
I was so confused because i just assumed i was too young still.
I really do feel less alone when watching your videos. It's very comforting, your empathetic and understanding presence and the information as well as the validating words you provide are so good to hear. Honestly, I wish I had found these videos sooner - you're really making a difference for the path of finding oneself when being ace/aro and it's appreciated a lot! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and just being there.
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I try to bring the same energy and mentality to this that I bring to my classroom. I teach 6th grade so I think it shows lol
@@fluentlyaspecYou teach kids! Now retired, I was a gymnastics teacher, then childcare worker at the Y, "Childwatch". I miss it so much.
Once as a joke I said I was schizo-sexual. Incredibly violent family, hits all over including groin
Thank you💜💜 still get insecure that no one will want to be with me, but I’m sure I’ll find my right person who not only tolerates my shy and awkward personality, but my aceness too
well, I'm def not ace. this vid was still very helpful for me tho and highlights the importance of open communication in relationships very well. as well as not forcing people (especially teen boys) to fit this sort of mold
**Happy Aroace noise**
I never understood how sex was important in relationships. Considering everyone that was do it never seemed to have long lasting relationships with sex involved.
Thank you.... This the first channel ive seen on being ace and i soooo appreciate you!!!
ive been ace since i knew what sex was, due to past trauma and not fitting some perfectly i have quite a few different asexual labels that i flow through depending on my memory and feelings and the situations. i really love your channel and i think itd be cool if you covered some like aspectussexual, ARCflux, caedsexual, hypersexual and asexual in the same person, nebulasexual, cupiosexual, and other mostly unknown labels. no force, just think itd be awesome and itd be nice to see info ab it :3
Thank you so much 💜
After years of not being able to put all the puzzle pieces together, I finally realized I’m ace. I always noticed my friends going insane to desperately find someone to have sex with like a drug which never resonated with me. I could go way way longer with no sex than anyone I knew with no hindrance on my wellbeing. It’s just not interesting to me and I’ve had/provided amazing sex to partners past but it’s just not something I seek out (there are far more interesting facets to life)
My nephew is 32 and never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. Speaking on the subject of sex he acts like a shy teenager. He has never expressed an interest in sex.
he could be aroace, someone who doesn't/rarely feels romantic and sexual attraction
I can't relate to the first 3 - everybody is different. (It was harder for me to come to terms with being aro and now I think I'm more aro than ace.) I actually have a libido, just not one I care to share with others. I always thought guys were attractive, just never thought beyond that. And of course I didn't want to have sex with anyone ... I was a good Christian girl and we were told we weren't supposed to entertain such thoughts.
I've always known I was ace I never felt like there was anything wrong with me I personally have met people that love sexual stuff into that stuff even had sex before the age of consent I'm trying to push it on me but I always refused I could never see what's so special about it or why is considering me even sexual content to me I see it as horrible advertisement asexuality has always fit me
I used to think sexual atracction and the whole concept of sex/romance/love was just a cultural invention, in my opinion one of the stupidest ideas human kind had created, and I used to think Freud was at fault for giving it relevance. One day it dawn on me that maybe it was not an invention, rather something people really felt and my sorprise was huge 😂 my whole vision of the world and people changed (I was 32 at the time). It really is very difficult to identify that you don't feel something you don't feel, and even more if you grew in a generation were you could either be hetero or homosexual. Speaking of the existence of asexuality and arromance is important so people who are in that spectum identify it
whenever i read a fanfiction that has a $ex scene i just kinda read past it like "yeah bla bla bla, get back to the plot...". i rearely ever enjoy them and i never intentionally seek them out and i dont understand why people feel the need to write that stuff. i much prefer just kissing and cuddling. in movies it doesnt bother me as much but i could live without it. in real life, i do see myself engaging in such activities one day, but 90% of the time im not in the mood for it. since i've never been in a relationship there's no one putting expectations onto me anyways so i dont care. i often see thirst traps online and while i do appreciate a nice body, i dont get h0rny looking at them and whenever a penis is visible i scroll past, because i dont want to see that. female genitalia doesnt disgust me like that, because i have a female body myself, but i still prefere to see them covered up. i must add, i'm not that old. but most people my age have consumed p0rn or hentai and some have even had intercourse. maybe i'll develop interest later, but it still feels off. i've thought about it for a while now, but i dont know. i also generally dont understand why people actively seek out $ex. i just want kisses and cuddles, a relaxed movie night watching back to the future or some late night talks while drinking beer in the garden. and someone to fall asleep next to at the end of the day
I don't think I'm ace, but maybe I am to some degree... I definitely have a drive and I like the idea of it, and when I was a late teenager/early young adult I did sleep with my boyfriends, even though it was always a very embarrassing affair for me, but it was always just a "meh" thing compared to what I expected it to be. I've since been single for 19 years and was happy to be alone for the rest of my life, but now I'm in a relationship again. As much as I love my boyfriend, I can't bring myself to even fully undress in front of him, let alone let him touch me below the waist. I'm a very shy and private person, and I think that would still be the case even if I didn't hate my body. I feel terrible about it and often wonder why he even stays with me. I try to make it up to him, but I don't know how long we'll last... He's definitely the right person for me, and he's been very loving and patient. I just...don't want to be touched. Or seen. By anyone. He probably thinks I must be asexual. I really want to do it with him, he does turn me on, but I know that if I tried, I would just be stressed and mortified the whole time and would be slapping his hands away and getting upset and trying to cover myself up, and that would definitely be a worse experience for us both...
"I feel terrible about it and often wonder why he even stays with me."
Why not ask him? I thought u said he's the right person for you, but if you're not gonna talk about the important stuff, then he only knows the parts of you you offer. Perhaps you're afraid that if you showed him all of you he'd leave. Now, if you're in love, it's important that doesn't happen, but, as a random guy scrolling through the comments, allow me to give you my objective opinion given the information you've just provided. You've been fine alone for 19 years, you'll be fine without. You know, I know it, everyone else knows it. This is not to say you shouldn't care, I'm just sayin' that if you show your true self and he goes like, ewwwww (what's the worst he can say LOL), then you'll be fine, but at least you'd know, which would in turn offer you peace. Isn't that the goal?
Damn, I thought your message was long. But I've got more
I'd say you should be careful with your thoughts. There's a saying I really like, 'don't believe everything your brain tells you'.
Example:"but I know that if I tried, I would just be stressed and mortified the whole time and would be slapping his hands away and getting upset and trying to cover myself up"
My point is, be careful not to create your reality from your fears. Perhaps communicating would have a tremendously positive effect, but with that mentality, you'd get defensive and see shadow where there are none, switching the tune of the conversation into a negative one, and then wrongly concluding that you were right, further reinforcing your fears (*insert congratz, you played yourself meme* don't play yourself). Then again, there's also the posibility he reacts negatively from the get go. But we already talked about that in the first part, you'll be fine.
And finally, in regards to: "He probably thinks I must be asexual. I really want to do it with him, he does turn me on".
Sounds like a perspective exercise to me. What I mean by that is, life isn't what it is, but how we see it. I might be wrong, but in your case, you seem to see yourself as one entity, safe and sound in your cocoon, the boyfriend is his own thing as well, and you try to make it work like that.
But that's stupid, the moment you talk about yourselves as part of a relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, the way I see it, you're one. Allow him to be you. I'm guessin you don't have any issues being naked by yourself, if that's indeed a problem, then I guess there's no help for you (jk, maybe, idk). Jokes aside, allow him to be part of your cocoon. This means that you enjoy eachother's bodies not for one another, it's no longer your and his sexual goals, it's simply your goal. This also comes with the benefit that his dick is your dick, and your boobs are his boobs. Congratunations, you weird lookin' mutants.
But idk (Just so I'm not liable in case you take any of my advice and your life implodes, haha, ha)
Good luck
So, full disclosure, I'm a sexual person, and so I'm interpreting your comment from that perspective. But to me, you don’t sound asexual. It sounds like you experience sexual attraction and desire, but that you're very nervous about acting on those feelings. Which is completely normal. It’s a very vulnerable act, so being with a new person will always be a little bit nerve wrecking. But that vulnerability is also what makes it so powerful and healing, for those of us who enjoy sex.
It sounds like the sexual experiences you've had weren't that great, but it also sounds like you were teenagers fumbling in the dark. Which, believe me, is no one's sexual peak.
You don't have immediately jump into fully nude sex if that makes you nervous. You can take it as slow as you want to. What's the lowest pressure sexual activity you can think of that you'd like to try? Is it kissing? Heavy petting? Cuddling? Maybe a tiny bit more? Don't want to take your clothes off? That's fine. How do you feel about letting him put his hands under your shirt?Would it be okay if he saw you in just your bra and panties? Maybe a little bit more coverage? And take it from there. If you want to. You might realize that these things aren't so terrifying when you are with someone you love and trust.
Sensate focus especially might be a technique that you and your boyfriend might enjoy, it's a practice in sex therapy to help people connect to their own and their partner's body through gentle touch and caressing. No pressure to have sex! Just touch. Over the clothes, if that's more comfortable to the participants.
And remember, no one but you can decide if you want to give sex another try, not even your boyfriend. And you should not do it just for him, but also for your own pleasure and exploration. So this comment is absolutely not meant to put any pressure on you, just to give you some ideas for low-stakes activities you could explore.
One thing I've also noticed (mostly in LGBTQ spaces) is the question of asexuality and whether its just being "sexually conservative" (even if only applied to oneself) i.e. do you just keep sexual feelings to yourself and not talk about it due to a feeling that private parts just need to remain private.
Its better than it used to be, and Powered by Rainbows gave some very kind advice on the topic here:
th-cam.com/video/TjBK3y2HGIM/w-d-xo.html&pp=ygUTcG93ZXJlZCBieSByYWluYm93cw%3D%3D
But I have wondered whether the idea of sexual/romantic conservatism can make it harder to know if you are aspec?
It's interesting to me that the LGBTQ spaces you've interacted with conflate asexuality with sexual conservatism, because you would *really* not get that impression from a lot of the ace people I know. I attend queer groups and events in my city quite frequently, and have run into some very kinky aces. Two completely separate ace acquaintances of mine even have dildo collections
Thank you
Yeah, i think i'm definitely not asexual and probably i'm in the exact opposite. I'm kind of nerdy and serious, so very often people assume i'm asexual.
Im not.