They not only replicate the neglect trauma on their kids but they also replicate the neglect on their pets. Like dogs who see the world for 10 minutes a day for 2 tiny walks around the house in the city. Pets suffer in emotional starvation for their needs in captivity...in powerlessness. Until they die. Kids grow up at least and have a chance to change something. Pets are doomed til death
Clue for those of you who aren't sure if you were neglected. If you were parentified-you took care of them or your siblings while your parents acted like crappy roommates- you WERE neglected.
i had both, and the weight of whats been taking from me is only now starting to come through - i always focused on events for trauma, but its the day to day that hurts way more deeply
@@SuperLotus wasn't limiting it a particular pattern but kids who are parentified often have trouble as adults seeing it as neglect because they were never allowed to need anything so it is harder to see the unmet needs.
I think the way that spanking is often paired with neglect is part of how the myth that spanking is the only way to get children to behave gets perpetuated. I think a lot of parents who spank their children ignore their child when not spanking them, and think that's giving them freedom, and don't know how to take care of them without spanking them.
Agreed. I'm not fond of the casual labelling of abusers as narcissists on the internet at all, tbh. So many people feel the need to slap psychiatric labels onto abusive people - not all abusers are narcissists. There's no certain 'type' of person that makes an abuser and it overlooks the fact that any person is capable of abuse, IMO.
Most of the times those explaining everything with "narcissism" are not the smartest of people.... nor the most well intended. It is an easy way to get clicks, likes and thus money!
my parents to me at 25: “we had no idea you were depressed” me as a pre-teen/teen: not showering for weeks on end, not eating properly, begging to see a therapist & doctor, continuously isolating, self-harming, and…them…letting me suffer-them even making fun of me. it’s also incredibly accurate & disturbing how our parents excuse & protect their own parents’ abusive behavior, thereby enabling that cycle of abuse and generational trauma. -x- thank you for the wonderful video, Daniel-overall it’s just so heartbreaking that children continue to be neglected & abused & unprotected, doomed to become damaged, broken adults.
trigger warning ⚠️ same things happened to me, on top of a severe self harm addiction and drug abuse! my parents still don’t understand or realize that i’m clinically depressed!
Oh dear, I'm so sorry precious. People are often so trapped in their unconscious programs and patterns that they cannot see. Do not expect them to understand or validate you. We must become our own parents and advocates. I urge you to read Alice Miller, James Hollis and Linda Leonard's books. Best wishes 😘
❤I am so sorry you went through the trauma and depression you have and feel even now. From Daniel I have learned we cannot fix our parents, but we can nurture ourselves by getting back in touch with who we are. Open the wounds and debride them. Clean out the drawers of your mind and soul. We do not need for those wounds to keep festering and poisoning our lives. We are loveable just because of our innocence. So, our work is to wash off the mud others under the guise of parenting, childcare and teaching threw at us. When we gain that understanding we can move forward. As children we look at our caretakers as having our best interests and acknowledging that they were broken people who could not parent properly due to this broken society we can rise above this, heal and become better caretakers ourselves. Little by little we can change what has been commonplace to a healthier and kinder society.
When I acted out as a kid I was always yelled at and told to “go to my room and think about what I’ve done” It wasn’t until years later that I realized how fucked that was, to shame and punish a child instead of helping them understand their impulses and how to control them. I’m now noticing this pattern in many areas of my adult life. I struggle to open up about the shame and guilt that arises around a mistake or bad impulse… i just go to my room and think about what I’ve done.
this is my experience of MOST people! they are DEAD inside! it is so frustrating, as someone who is not yet dead inside to try to connect to others when that part of them is gone. I have mostly given up at this point, feel like I live in the zombie apocalypse. I often feel I am slowly starving to death for lack of someone to connect to. the only ones who are still alive is the children, and it is so hard to stand by and watch that part of them get killed by their parents and the other adults around them.
I often find I’m only really drawn to communicate with younger people. They just seem to have more potential and positive outlook for the future. Sometimes you find the 30-50 year old who’s full of life but it’s rare and they’re always a pleasure to be around. But even then, many younger people are in the throws of their trauma just as much as older ones. Stefan Molyneux had a fantastic idea which was if you’re a rare person and wanna find other rare people, normal socializing won’t cut it. You gotta put out a signal that’s powerful and cuts through the fog. This can be in the form of something like what Daniel does, or making art and putting it online via TH-cam or twitter. Do that for long enough and you’ll find someone.
I relate so much to this. Many people just avoid the feelings that come when you recognize yourself a victim of abuse. And when you do, your whole enviroment pushes you to just to act normal, be zombie. On the other hand, many parents act as they care when you confront them, but sometimes is just a strategy to mantain the slave relationship with the son by buying it with money, it's just perverse. At this point i fail to get a job, many interviewers reject me, im constantly worrying because i have no one but my parents that are such money manipulators, and it's so hard to make it alone as a young male in this world. Man, i wish i could get a breath (and a stable money income), but i feel as long as you keep it real with your feelings, you got a chance. Im a psychologist too by the way, but being at the side of the child definily causes shame and rejection in the workforce, and the mental health professionals!
I've got to say, it's equally as frustrating to see someone insulting my kind of people. It ain't our fault we're dead inside, lady. I swear we're trying our best.
“I don’t worry about you. You’ve always been able to take care of yourself”. This was so so far from the truth. The neglect made it so I was never able to take care of myself. It was never just neglect, it was combined with demoralizing and demeaning emotional abuse. Ilearned to not have needs, to live other peoples lives, to accept abuse and more neglect. I had no coping skills, no support network, no inner framework that makes a complete and whole individual. My thoughts and behaviors were reflections of whatever soulless narcissist would take me in. Now, at 41, I’ve gone through the self pity, the anger, the regret, the resentment, and grieving.instead of emerging this beautiful butterfly after years of emotional slumber I’ve awakened in a world I don’t recognize, understand or really want to be a part of. I’ve cast off so many of the vices that seem to ground and connect everyone to each other. Often I wish I could go back to that fog I walked out of. It was a place, not a great place, but at least it was a place I felt a part of. Neglect sucks.
Dan , Im 46 yo and I recently confronted my parents about my childhood and it didn’t go well at all, it was quite traumatic all over again just as I remembered as a child and it made me wonder how horrible they actually were to me as a child. I’ve spent my whole life bottling these feelings up and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that they don’t really (know how) care about me.
Yeah I began to realize several years ago in my late forties that most of my relatives especially my mother have always been very narcissistic or psychopathic to me my whole life. This was after having a bunch of land, a house and other property stolen from me by some of them. I've learned what they are and they were very high functioning covert neglectful type. When I began learning this I thought maybe mom didn't realize what they were doing to me and they'd apologize and stop. Nope. They totally freaked when I barely began to mention any of it. I've been living on a tiny disability income for many years now and life hanging by a thread. I think it's more demonic than psychological at this point like a family curse. God bless anyone effected by these kind of people and God bless all of you and your families.
I just went no contact, the writing has been on the wall for years. It sucks but it strenghtend me. It will free you up to have more compassion for yourself and others.
@@russellm7530 I feel your pain and I'm wishing you strength and perhaps a much deserved, needed miracle to improve your circumstances to match the inherent worthiness within you. Much love
So true. My back was so tense and seized. My body was almost frozen. I needed to pause and rebuilt my life after my narc family threw out my ; truck , boat , 30ft trailer and motorcycle. When they found out I was looking after my mom who had terminal cancer .....they stole my keys and sold my possessions behind my back.
@@vlogcity1111 any tips on how you got over the tension in your body? I have the same thing with my back, it’s where I store all my emotional tension, it means my back is tight all the time and hence certain parts of my back have to carry too much of the load and get injured all the time. And the general discomfort of always having a tight back, nicely wound up 🙁🤔
@@MituPitu1 dude that’s an interesting concept, because that is definitely somewhat part of the underlying motivation to carry the tension in your body
Try telling a psychologist that a parents refusal to help you as a kid to solve problems, problems adults caused for you, for the parents to then blame you for not coping with said problems, is abuse. It's a joke. It gets labeled as 'not being able to adequately guide the kid.' So a parent can neglect a kid's basic needs, go off on said kid for years as a result, then it's called a minor thing? But hitting a kid and oh it's abuse! Both is equally abuse. Unfortunately neglect causes years of continuing suffering while the child isn't allowed to even realise it. Instead guilt and shame turns it on themselves. Step one is to see it for what it was. Step two is shedding guilt. Step three is anger and hurt. Step 4 is grief and healing. Something of the sort.
I get really heated about this topic. My parents neglected me as a baby, and just as you said, there are no conventional "memories" of this, but I deal with debilitating sensitivity, low self esteem, anxiety and depression, attachment issues, difficulty maintaining relationships, the list goes on. Parents, please do not leave your baby to cry on their own.
It's incredible the collective denial of emotional neglect as a concept. To many it seems laughable, I think it's them not wanting to admit. Maybe it's that they see abuse and neglect as only the worst and most evil intentional, knowing kinds of pain one can go through. That abuse isn't a spectrum, but rather a strict threshold of having suffered "enough".
I feel like a lot of the people in denial about emotional neglect being trauma may partly feel that way because of how shockingly common emotional neglect is to the point it's 'normalised' and not seen as serious - which says a lot about how backwards and twisted society is since such a childhood trauma seems to be the NORM.
@@vlogcity1111 I just get subtly pissed. I get all sorts of hidden rage for it , lol. Truth beats lies every time... no matter what 'they' do, lol. Reality is stronger than fiction, no matter what lies are made.
One day once I’ve got that island of safety and have grieved my trauma, I’m gonna use what you’ve taught here and info from other people to create a guide to healing from trauma. I think it’s something everyone who goes through this and has success should consider doing.
I got ptsd at 13 after my Dad broke my arm. It was a very bad break. Both bones were totally snapped. He was drunk and jumping up and down on me. After years of hospital visits and multiple surgeries I said I still had pain in my arm. They told me I was saying that to make Dad feel bad. Years later that turned into "Dad didn't break your arm you imagined it." Funny years later my Dad was dying but they kept it a secret from me...he cried out to see me. Errrr nope. Goodbye. Then when my mother found out Dad had left her nothing she contacted me to apologise on Dad's behalf. My response started with F and ended with uck off. Once someone betrays you repeatedly they are no longer your friend. It's as simple as that. Walk away.
"They can't grieve". This was so true for me for about 20 years. And then the grieving is terrible. But so more the freedom that arise from these grieving ashes afterwards, is what each traumatised person should aspire.
One more experience to share on this SO important video-my father suddenly started acting like my parent when i was diagnosed w terminal cancer at 53. Sad part is i just don't trust his motivation. I responded as if - i try to acknowledge his now-bizarre outpouring of affection but i don't believe him one bit. You are so right about choosing not to reproduce. I too believe the world is such a sad benighted place i wouldn't force anyone else to muddle through it.
That’s is so difficult I’m sorry your going through that. Knowing he could have acted that way the whole time. I wound the surprised if you told him you don’t want him around
you hit the nail right on the head, and people overall aren't self aware enough to realize that that subtle interaction between caregiver and child absolutely must be attended to when both are interacting and that a distracted caregiver gives off the vibe to the child that he isn't loved, how else can he interpret the caregiver's behavior when that person is distracted? thank you for bringing this up, when will people change? man i think it's going to take another 100yrs for people to realize what you are talking about is a real problem; hell parents are the first ones to deny responsibility for how their children turned out, for them to actually reflect on the type of child they unleashed upon the world takes way too much self introspection for them to handle.
Siblings would reject them... they would be called narcissistic(I got that label from a ward head for failig to forgive my mother)... Society would reject them(life is too short for holding a grudge)... I got goose bumps all over my body watching your video. You speak directly to my true self and validate his history. Thanks.
I always wondered why I subconsciously rejected my brother yet tried so hard to connect with him. Nothings home. He threw a Swiss Army knife at my face when I was 14 I needed stitches so close to my eye I could have been blinded. In one of his fits of rage. He also the day after our mom died elbowed me in the face.... now I know why I subconsciously rejected him as a kid. He’s a broken child and even more broken adult. I realize as the older brother it’s not my job to save him.
@@vlogcity1111 I dont know If I can relate, becouse I was the brother who threw a knife on my brother. But he was teasing me for hours prior, and my whole childhood. We acted out on each other. And he molested me with a cousing when I was little. So he kind of worked on it, but my bombs were implanted by my parents neglects and abuse. Yes, you are not responsible for fixing him. He is.
yes you're right this wound is the prima causa of all the dysfunction of our species. and we are psychological hard wired to pass it on and on and on. Being a biologist I have thought quite a bit about this over the years and I believe that it originated with the self-domestication of man. we forgot much of the biological wisdom of our ancestors as we transformed from the ways nature had taught us to live to the ways we live in modern society. one of the things we forgot was how to care for our young in a way that doesn't permanently damage them. you see similar problems in animals kept in captivity. they lose an essential part of their intelligence. it is the number one problem we are facing and it is what is driving us to extinction. yet, by the very way that our minds work (or at least most people's minds) we are cut off from the ugly truth that would save us
I’ve been grieving my family for over 6 months now and I find it necessary because I have a child. My siblings, however who also have children continue to turn a blind eye to my parent’s abuse because they so desperately still crave their approval and “love”.
Thank you Daniel! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍 Fellow Jehovah's Witnesses worriedly looked at us when my parents when they told tired new mom and dad's to let their newborn cry so the adults could get their precious sleep. If you know the parenting practices of typical JWs, you get where I'm coming from. My mom told me many times how I was a good baby when learned to sleep through the night at 2 weeks old. I gave up is what happened. I believe it is directly related to my lifelong asthma, etc.
Very well said, Daniel. When I look out at the world, this is one of the most dominant patterns that I can see, everything ties into it one way or other and it is the root of unspeakable, overwhelming suffering and it hurts a great deal to see it. My neighbour across the street has two children and a dog and everyday I see (and definitely hear) them wandering aimlessly in their front yard, caged in by a tall metal fence, barking and screaming in the most provocative manner and flailing around their arms like fish washed ashore with the parents nowhere in sight until they emerge from their residence to smoke cigarettes. This goes on for hours everyday and I have seen the smug, infantile, defiant expression on their father's face once in a while when I meet him on the street. Last winter I saw both of their children shovelling snow with their father on the yard (they are probably 5 & 8 y/o respectively -ish) and it's just so plain to see what's going on, and yet the whole drama is on public display for all to see with zero risk of repercussions. Things need to change, but I'm not feeling too optimistic about it to say the least...
I watched a Tik-Tok answering the question what if I don't remember my childhood trauma? And her response was if you don't remember it that is a good thing your psyche is locking it away to protect you. And if you unlocked it it would be too painful and actually make life harder for you. Everybody was supporting this response in the comments. But I couldn't help but think about some of the things you've said on your channel and how it seems diametrically opposed to it. My concern is that the people who don't heal their childhood traumas will pass them on. So it's actually not a good thing that they're not accessing the memories. Would you agree?
People who’s mind block out the childhood trauma usually perpetuate the cycle in a blind rage and confusion. The odd person can burry it for 35 years only for it to surface and blow up everything they’ve worked for in their life (my dads and example) Blew his whole life; Job , marriage and relationships with his kids up after 35 years.
i blocked my childhood from ages 0-12, and only through recent work has the veil unpealed a bit. if you want to heal, you need to take the plaster off and face hard things. The alternative of not doing so will also hurt but its a slow and painful death and likely to manifest physically too
I remember clearly at age 12 or so, that I became aware and awkwardly distressed about the fact that there were big gaps in my childhood memories. No one ever understood it and were kind of half annoyed half amused by my bad memory. No one cared to explain or empathise with me, that was the pattern I now recognize. I was labeled as very intellectual, introvert, distracted kind of kid, nothing worth enquiring about.
What you won't solve will not go away. And thus it will cause it's negative effects until you adress it. It's not difficult to see this with everything else not psychollogical. Don't treat an infection? Don't fix a structural instability?
Well said. Absolutely true. It is the numbness and paralysis at the core of humanity that is leading us down a path of destruction. It's difficult to be conscious of it but it can also take the edge off the insanity. Awareness and emotional connection is the only hope. Thank you for your work in raising consciousness around childhood trauma however hidden or disguised it may be.
One of the worst experiences for me was my mother would expect my sister and I to take a nyc subway to school by ourselves. We were in elementary school. I remember at 7 or 8 years old exiting the subway and my sister was still on the subway and I was on the platform. I don’t remember much, the police came and a nice man helped us. This nice man walked us to school, he was probably thinking where the F is the mother.
I identify with this description of neglect and its impact on society. The only part where I differ, is that I think there's hope. Finally hope is creeping out for the first time in millennia. That communities around the world are getting to know and healing their own shadow side, going no contact, breaking the intergenerational cycle of trauma. Society I shifting profoundly and there's 50 percent of it going to go badly, and 50 percent of it going to go very well. I plan to be with the latter 50 percent. It is not a matter of natural selection, that I will be the chosen bunch because I am better. It is because of sheer serendipity, that I was so tremendously abused in a period of history where access to information has made it possible for me to break free. I am free inside, and no matter if you put me in a cage - quite close to what this society is - I am still free.
I think you're projecting a potential to live up to your own outlier high capacity for empathy onto the rest of humanity. In other words I don't really think there will ever be a point where most people are as empathetic as Daniel Mackler. For a long time I was depressed because I did the same thing and wondered why almost no one lived up to what I thought were simple/self evident ethical standards
I appreciate your comment. I don’t think this is similar to a doctor telling a crippled patient he can walk again. I think this is the equivalent of Daniel showing patients with a limp how to walk upright and realize the limp and improve it. I think you could be projecting how you felt your results were not adequate. Realistically I think there is many people who want to access and live and empathetic life and relationships. They just have no idea how from abuse and trauma. They need spoken and real examples to be able to assimilate and create an emotionally empathetic environment for themselves.
Youre the only person that gives me hope that someday i will be okay, that someday i will feel connected to the child inside me that was hidden for so long :(
I'd love to see you do a video about those people who do the adult baby thing. There's a whole community of people who like to role play as babies. They dress and act like babies and even get special furniture and toys and hire people to role play as parents to feed them and change their diapers and stuff. (Some even use diapers full time.) Some do it for sexual purposes, but others say they do it because they had a traumatic early childhood and they want to relive it and have a do over, in a way. But I think others do it for even other reasons besides that. There was a guy named Stanley, I think, who became especially well known for doing this because he was on a TLC show about it and there are videos of him all over TH-cam. Daniel, I'd love to know your thoughts on this.
@@dmackler58 What I want to know is -do they want to relive their baby days because that was the only good part of their childhood, before the abuse started, so they want to mentally go back to that time and stay there? - Or did the abuse start when they actually were a baby and they want to just scrap their whole childhood and do the whole thing over from the beginning? Of course, you'd have to ask one of them, to know for sure, and I'm sure it's different for different people, but's that's the question I have.
Hmm, I’m not sure, and like you said, to really know it would be necessary to hear more of their story, to talk with them. But all of your explanations are definitely possible! Greetings!
Daniel, thank you for this video once again. I have just recently found out that unfortunately I have been emotionally neglected a lot in my life... This video's topic perfect for me at this moment ........ : ((
This might be random, but I would love to hear your thoughts on the people and media's fascination with the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp defamation case. Like, why is domestic abuse viewed as entertainment? Why do we have access to watch the trial live on social media and watch these psychologists (the "experts") confidently putting labels on these people (Dr.Curry diagnosing Heard with BPD and Histrionic) ...? (Do not get me wrong - there is something "off" about Ms. Heard and not trying to side with her, but I believe both Heard and Depp were toxic to each other). All of this is just.... disturbing on so many levels. People have strong opinions on these people and seem to know what have happened between closed doors between these two people. We as a collective are bringing up the traumas of these two people but we are refusing to look within ourselves and seeing our OWN toxic behaviour. On the other hand, are we tapping into collective hidden trauma of troubled family systems or relationships and could we see this as a some sort of "therapeutic" thing for us (in a really weird way)? I dunno.... was hoping to know your thoughts, whatever they are!
Oh and not to mention our legal systems, like how are they problematic. I do not live in the US - I am European - but I mean having watched this trial online ..... raises so many questions. This is a weird, sick world we live in watching millionaires publicly discussing their private relationships to win the lawsuit for the amount of sums of Money - millions of dollars- that most of us regular people in this planet can only dream of having access to, and yet we are sympathising with these mega rich and taking sides and thinking that this is somehow "justice"? What is true justice? When it comes to trauma and domestic abuse. I do not have straightforward answer but I do not think that large sums of money can heal a trauma in its core. Money sure helps living in this world but it doesn't go well with these things like justice and trauma and that sort of stuff....
Many people who watch this trial are aware that this is not a moment of justice that settles all the injustices of the world. It's just a moment that 1/ shows that a man can be a victim of a woman and 2/ what a narcissist looks like, not a discreet version. There is also perhaps a bit of a sense of revenge for the millions of people who have never been able to bring their abuser to justice. Here, an abuser is unmasked, and that's already one less invisible violence on this planet. 🤷🏼♀️
It’s an interesting phenomenon how many people are so easily swayed and quick to jump to conclusions, it’s a form of self delusion. The 2 of them together was a toxic mix, both are fairly crazy in different ways 😂😞
Hello Daniel. I think it would be interesting if you did a video on family vloggers, who really seem to be narcassists putting their children on the internet. I wonder what the "perfect" families are like off camera; of course we can only speculate.
I have thought this same thing for so long as I see the deadness in generations past and even sometimes newer ones, especially in the inability of my family to acknowledge these things. This is the core of why our society is in such chaos and pain. I hadn’t taken that thought out to how we affect nature as you mentioned but it is so true! I do see hope in newer parents raising their children more consciously, teaching self love but we have a looooong way to go before that penetrates deep into society. Appreciate hearing your thoughts and assessments.
(Hi Daniel, this is the second of two completely different comments I posted on this video and I'd like you to read and respond to both, so be sure to look for my first one, below, about the adult baby community, too.) I've thought about this issue a lot because I've just recently started working at a childcare center for the first time. I have mixed feelings about it. I work with the two year old class. It's a private school that goes from infant to Kindergarten. It's in a rich area and the clientele is mostly working professionals, like doctors and executives, etc. I think I know what you're probably going to say about people who leave their kids in daycare for 9 hours a day, (especially rich people who could afford a nanny, and some even do have nannies too,) but I'm really not interested in starting a comment debate about whether or not moms should work. We live in a world where often both parents have to work and I don't see that changing anytime soon. That being said, I see a lot of these types of attitudes about kids in my workplace. The other teachers always give me such a hard time because they think I let the kids walk all over me. They're always telling me, "you need to scream at them" and it makes me so uncomfortable. I've thought about the stuff that Jordan Peterson said about how you need to civilize a kid before the age of three. And I've thought about the response video you did, where you said you didn't agree with him on that. I have to say that I don't agree with either viewpoint, 100% I think Peterson was right, in the sense, that there are a lot of small kids who do anti social things just because of their natural inborn temperament, but it can and should be corrected. They hit other kids, or bully them or act rude or manipulative, or are very selfish. And it's not always just the parent's fault; I think some people truly are just born like that. But if you're strict with those types of kids and you teach them to see why it's good to be a nice person, you'll stop them from becoming a narcissist later on. I think it's actually abusive and neglectful to not do that. Some kids have to be taught to have empathy. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, (I'm not screaming, I just don't know how to get italic font on TH-cam,) there are MANY more kids who are not born with the antisocial tendencies, but so many adults seem to not be able to tell the difference, or just not care. They just think that any time a small kid cries or acts out in any way, it's just because they're being a brat. And that's where I agree with you. As for me, I had the gold standard for a happy early childhood, so I think that's what gives me the ability to empathize. For my first eight years, I grew up in what would be considered the perfect Leave it to Beaver type family. My mom stayed home and my dad had a good job and we lived in a good neighborhood with lots of friends. My parents loved each other and had a strong marriage and loved and were very proud of me. My mom always thought the whole "cry it out" thing was bullshit and that babies should be breastfed whenever possible and held if they're going to be bottle fed. I spent most of my days from birth-5, just hanging out at home, playing with toys and relaxing and being happy. I always believed that having a really happy, trauma free time at that age has a lifelong protective effect on the brain. I think it protects you from future mental illness, even you get abused later on, almost like a vaccine protects from viruses. I think that's because it gives the brain an original emotional set point that it can return to, later in life when you're trying to feel happy and self sooth. But that's just my own uneducated opinion. I'd love to know if there's any other actual neuroscience research on this, besides the studies out of Princeton University, that I've seen on early childhood traumatic events and later learning.
Very interesting testimony. When you talk about children being born with anti-social behaviors, how did you find out that it didn't come from the parents/their experiences outside the home? You seem very assertive on this point. Regarding learning empathy, science recognizes that the most effective, rapid, powerful way to learn is by example / influence. So this should lead us to conclude that being harsh and yelling is ALWAYS wrong (unless you want to teach the other person to be harsh and yell at others).
Thank you for sharing this, Melissa. I agree that very early loving experiences will help protect a child from future mental illness. And that early negative experiences can lay the groundwork for lifelong psychological problems.
how do i fucking heal when i can't even open my mouth around anyone i feel intense anxiety in my stomach and throat and my face is so straight i can't even force myself to act normal how do i get fucking help when i can't even speak a single word around anyone. i'm on the verge of losing my identity again. i can't speak for myself and can't make decisions for myself . I'd rather die than live like this in this hellish world. i am being perceived as a weirdo who doesn't talk to anyone ,whose body is so immobile it's embarassing and no matter how silent the environment around her and the other person is , she never knows what to speak about. i don't have a fuvking personality and can't get out of this autopilot mode where things keep happening to me but i can't bring myself to change them. i procrastinate until the deadline because of this autopilot mode and then when i see others all ready and set to go i start to panic and then only realise how left behind i am but when i be having the time to do some work i just procrastinate and don't realise how much destruction is happening.
Wow you just described my life. Just know you are not alone and I understand your pain and discomfort. I’m learning to let go of the shame and it’s difficult but I am so proud of myself for the times that I see improvement and I’m compassionate to myself for the times that I slip back to autopilot. Tomorrow is a new day. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. I see myself in you, and I see your value. Share your value and allow others to value you. The more you share it with the world, the more you’ll see your worth.
I agree that individuals have to be willing acknowledge the neglect that they had to endure in childhood, and that neglect is a prolific appendage of more modern society in general,, but I take pause to agree that it is a fixture of every collective of humanity. Neglect of a child is simply not being emotionally connected and invested in the innate devemental needs of kids in a family and community. There are and have been societies, villages and communities that are more acutely in tune with each child's potential. I see more of a spectrum when I look at cultures around the world and across time. Native American tribes throughout the Americas, traditionally, sought to develop and utilize the individual strengths of each child. Each person is unique and has invaluable traits that have the potential to assist in the survival of each collective. In most of traditional Africa, the primary virtue is "It takes a village to raise a child". It simple, some societies recognize these fundamentals more thoroughly than others. The key really is to accept the responsibilities that come along with having offspring that will inevitably, inherit the Earth and to open up our worldviews to include those that are more sustainable and may look very little like our own. The ultimate neglect is to not do everything in our power to invest in our children's future, and not allow the greediest and most narcissistic people to guide the direction of humanity in unacceptable ways.
Probably because when your society is made of a few people it's important to get the best out of everybody. If on the other hand your society is made of countless of people, who cares if a few (or if a lot of them) won't live up to their potential: worst case scenario they're just going to join the uneducated working class and depreciate the value of their labor even further and that can only be pleasing for the people in power.
@@sallyann985 Very true... Still, the only way forward, is to make the most of every individual. Just because there are large amounts of people doesn't necessarily mean that it is impossible to focus on the singular attributes of individuals. Throughout recorded history, individuality is sacrificed for the narcissistic qualities of the ruling class. Daniel made the assertion that he feels a sense of hopelessness about the fate of humanity, that is mirrored many times over in mainstream society. Looking at it from only that perspective, I would have to agree. But the issue with that is there are countless examples that are indeed, investing most, if not all of their resources into the future of their communities and children. Most people tend to modify their behaviors when they understand that doing so will have positive implications for their offspring. Most of that is lost in the largest societies. But most people from the other side view that being more ignorance and hopelessness than anything else.
@@garymotley8196 funny cause in a way, today's society cares a lot about individuality, but true individuality can only exist if there's connection. Who are you being an individual for if no one's there to look at you?
@@sallyann985 Exactly. Human beings are innately social animals, period. It is literally unsustainable for humanity to endure without other people. But extreme economics has convinced many in the West that deprivation of others is the only way to acquire value and honor. I say, we have to stop drinking that Kool-aid.
@@garymotley8196 I've got to say that I don't think people outside the west are more connected than we are, they're just more dependent on their family and community for economic reasons. At least the west (some of the west) allows you to venture out on your own if your family is not good. In most of the world you're just stuck. I wonder if the few hunter gatherer societies left (who are unfortunately going to be wiped out soon) actually experience true connection. Edit: your last comment probably got flagged by youtube and I'm the only one who can see it from my notification feed.
I find watching videos on this subject difficult to watch but Daniel’s direct forthright way of telling it makes it possible for me to watch to the end, a truly kindred spirit, thanks man.
❤Thank you for explaining the psychology behind neglect and its cyclical effects via the generations. You are very articulate in the best of ways. "This is the denial of our species." Yes! Thank you. We must connect to that baby's tears within us, then we can heal.😊
No rant. You are speaking my thoughts. However, I am wondering if you have any examples of people/places/cultures that are getting it, to some meaningful degree, right?
There’s something about the bond and that love that ancient tribal communities have for their children makes me think this is how we are meant to live.
@@evangeline9052 Wow, checked that paper out - thanks for bringing it up!! It's so interesting to see people who have done their research on the subject agree with these views too. Saving it for sure!!
My parents neglected me by letting me and my cousin take baths together, sleep in the same bed together, and play in the camper together and she preyed on me. I loath my parents for this I finally told my parents what happened to me and it was pretty painful. Just listening to this gives me so much anxiety it’s depressing. I also buried it in me. Today as an adult I can’t stand seeing my cousin and I want to call her out on her bullshit but won’t.
Daniel, on one hand I think it's such a pity that a wise and sensible person like you you doesn't want to have children (if I remember correctly that's what you expressed) but then I realise that those children would be living in the world full of suffering, malice, repression, denial, acting out, cruelty... they would have to learn about Holocaust and Hiroshima... they would have to make sense of various religions and their delusional followers who are willing to kill in the name of God... and I'm asking myself, how can a wise and sensitive person make a conscious decision to bring children into this world? They can't. But I'm not trying to say that people who decide to have children are somehow morally reprehensible, of course not. I, personally, have been studying the philosophy and science of free will and the most rational and honest thinkers agree that free will is impossible. This awareness helps me deal with countless absurdities of life.
I think most of these people like you and Daniel, who perpetuate this whole idea that they shouldn't have kids, are exactly the people who should be having them. The message is being received by the wrong audience. The people who really need to hear it will never listen.
lol - it wasn't really a rant as emotionally empahsising to an important message. Gabor Mate and Alan Robarge talk about this kind of emotional loss and what it feels like at some lengths in various youtube videos. As adults the effects are subtle and we don't realise how our childhood has skewed our emotional compass. Something else is that when we talk to children and we mean one thing they interpret what we say as we might withold our love if they don't do what we say. (This fear of a parent withholding love is a real fear for a child, but as an adult we forget this is how we felt as a child).
Just watched the documentary on the "hatchet-wieling hitchhiker". Could you do an analysis on him? just a thought, given he was definitely neglected (he was locked up as a kid because his mother "couldn't handle him" because she clearly wasn't mature enough to see him for who he was.
How to Teach Mindsets | Andrew Huberman featuring Dr. Alia Crumb th-cam.com/video/dFR_wFN23ZY/w-d-xo.html ^ a very interesting way to teach how to enjoy, healthy food 🥘 rather than unimpeachably, over powering, a child’s innate, will… a more “humane” form of Parenthood.
Danial, I know you don’t believe in God but why is it that you’re more of a Christian then actual Christian’s when you’re not even a Christian? It’s unbelievable how some religious people are so toxic. They haven’t awoken yet and I’m hoping that you do a video on this
They not only replicate the neglect trauma on their kids but they also replicate the neglect on their pets. Like dogs who see the world for 10 minutes a day for 2 tiny walks around the house in the city. Pets suffer in emotional starvation for their needs in captivity...in powerlessness. Until they die. Kids grow up at least and have a chance to change something. Pets are doomed til death
Agree!! Ideally no one should hold any animal captive its inhumane!! Keeping pets, esp cats needs to stop!!
Clue for those of you who aren't sure if you were neglected. If you were parentified-you took care of them or your siblings while your parents acted like crappy roommates- you WERE neglected.
i had both, and the weight of whats been taking from me is only now starting to come through - i always focused on events for trauma, but its the day to day that hurts way more deeply
Neglect can come in many forms. It was different with my parents.
@@SuperLotus wasn't limiting it a particular pattern but kids who are parentified often have trouble as adults seeing it as neglect because they were never allowed to need anything so it is harder to see the unmet needs.
I would say neglected AND exploited
Denial is the most common defense mechanism
But Daniel is the most common offense mechanism
@@jamesfreeman8276heyooo
Daniel the Lion 😎@@jamesfreeman8276
I think the way that spanking is often paired with neglect is part of how the myth that spanking is the only way to get children to behave gets perpetuated. I think a lot of parents who spank their children ignore their child when not spanking them, and think that's giving them freedom, and don't know how to take care of them without spanking them.
I'm glad some people are talking about neglect as abuse. Most channels on TH-cam are focused on narcissists
Well spotted.
Agreed. I'm not fond of the casual labelling of abusers as narcissists on the internet at all, tbh. So many people feel the need to slap psychiatric labels onto abusive people - not all abusers are narcissists. There's no certain 'type' of person that makes an abuser and it overlooks the fact that any person is capable of abuse, IMO.
Most of the times those explaining everything with "narcissism" are not the smartest of people.... nor the most well intended. It is an easy way to get clicks, likes and thus money!
I have a neglectful narcissist parent and another parent who is just neglectful and selfish (I don't know if he's a narc but I don't think so).
my parents to me at 25: “we had no idea you were depressed”
me as a pre-teen/teen: not showering for weeks on end, not eating properly, begging to see a therapist & doctor, continuously isolating, self-harming, and…them…letting me suffer-them even making fun of me.
it’s also incredibly accurate & disturbing how our parents excuse & protect their own parents’ abusive behavior, thereby enabling that cycle of abuse and generational trauma.
-x-
thank you for the wonderful video, Daniel-overall it’s just so heartbreaking that children continue to be neglected & abused & unprotected, doomed to become damaged, broken adults.
Wow it sounds blatantly obvious that you were suffer immensely and they had no idea at all, how could a parent not see their own child in distress.
@@nathanrykers7588 Right? This is exactly what I said to them as an adult.
trigger warning ⚠️ same things happened to me, on top of a severe self harm addiction and drug abuse! my parents still don’t understand or realize that i’m clinically depressed!
Oh dear, I'm so sorry precious. People are often so trapped in their unconscious programs and patterns that they cannot see.
Do not expect them to understand or validate you. We must become our own parents and advocates. I urge you to read Alice Miller, James Hollis and Linda Leonard's books.
Best wishes 😘
❤I am so sorry you went through the trauma and depression you have and feel even now. From Daniel I have learned we cannot fix our parents, but we can nurture ourselves by getting back in touch with who we are. Open the wounds and debride them. Clean out the drawers of your mind and soul. We do not need for those wounds to keep festering and poisoning our lives. We are loveable just because of our innocence. So, our work is to wash off the mud others under the guise of parenting, childcare and teaching threw at us. When we gain that understanding we can move forward. As children we look at our caretakers as having our best interests and acknowledging that they were broken people who could not parent properly due to this broken society we can rise above this, heal and become better caretakers ourselves. Little by little we can change what has been commonplace to a healthier and kinder society.
When I acted out as a kid I was always yelled at and told to “go to my room and think about what I’ve done”
It wasn’t until years later that I realized how fucked that was, to shame and punish a child instead of helping them understand their impulses and how to control them.
I’m now noticing this pattern in many areas of my adult life. I struggle to open up about the shame and guilt that arises around a mistake or bad impulse… i just go to my room and think about what I’ve done.
Everyone around me is having kids and "raising" them exactly like that. What a way to "raise" Huh. More like push down
this is my experience of MOST people! they are DEAD inside! it is so frustrating, as someone who is not yet dead inside to try to connect to others when that part of them is gone. I have mostly given up at this point, feel like I live in the zombie apocalypse. I often feel I am slowly starving to death for lack of someone to connect to. the only ones who are still alive is the children, and it is so hard to stand by and watch that part of them get killed by their parents and the other adults around them.
I often find I’m only really drawn to communicate with younger people. They just seem to have more potential and positive outlook for the future. Sometimes you find the 30-50 year old who’s full of life but it’s rare and they’re always a pleasure to be around. But even then, many younger people are in the throws of their trauma just as much as older ones.
Stefan Molyneux had a fantastic idea which was if you’re a rare person and wanna find other rare people, normal socializing won’t cut it. You gotta put out a signal that’s powerful and cuts through the fog. This can be in the form of something like what Daniel does, or making art and putting it online via TH-cam or twitter. Do that for long enough and you’ll find someone.
I totally agree.
I relate so much to this. Many people just avoid the feelings that come when you recognize yourself a victim of abuse. And when you do, your whole enviroment pushes you to just to act normal, be zombie. On the other hand, many parents act as they care when you confront them, but sometimes is just a strategy to mantain the slave relationship with the son by buying it with money, it's just perverse.
At this point i fail to get a job, many interviewers reject me, im constantly worrying because i have no one but my parents that are such money manipulators, and it's so hard to make it alone as a young male in this world. Man, i wish i could get a breath (and a stable money income), but i feel as long as you keep it real with your feelings, you got a chance.
Im a psychologist too by the way, but being at the side of the child definily causes shame and rejection in the workforce, and the mental health professionals!
I felt that. Thank you for putting it into words and sharing.
I've got to say, it's equally as frustrating to see someone insulting my kind of people. It ain't our fault we're dead inside, lady. I swear we're trying our best.
“I don’t worry about you. You’ve always been able to take care of yourself”.
This was so so far from the truth. The neglect made it so I was never able to take care of myself. It was never just neglect, it was combined with demoralizing and demeaning emotional abuse.
Ilearned to not have needs, to live other peoples lives, to accept abuse and more neglect. I had no coping skills, no support network, no inner framework that makes a complete and whole individual. My thoughts and behaviors were reflections of whatever soulless narcissist would take me in.
Now, at 41, I’ve gone through the self pity, the anger, the regret, the resentment, and grieving.instead of emerging this beautiful butterfly after years of emotional slumber I’ve awakened in a world I don’t recognize, understand or really want to be a part of. I’ve cast off so many of the vices that seem to ground and connect everyone to each other. Often I wish I could go back to that fog I walked out of. It was a place, not a great place, but at least it was a place I felt a part of.
Neglect sucks.
I feel you.
I was labeled a cry baby when I was a child, simply because I wanted attention
Dan , Im 46 yo and I recently confronted my parents about my childhood and it didn’t go well at all, it was quite traumatic all over again just as I remembered as a child and it made me wonder how horrible they actually were to me as a child.
I’ve spent my whole life bottling these feelings up and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that they don’t really (know how) care about me.
Yeah I began to realize several years ago in my late forties that most of my relatives especially my mother have always been very narcissistic or psychopathic to me my whole life.
This was after having a bunch of land, a house and other property stolen from me by some of them.
I've learned what they are and they were very high functioning covert neglectful type.
When I began learning this I thought maybe mom didn't realize what they were doing to me and they'd apologize and stop.
Nope. They totally freaked when I barely began to mention any of it.
I've been living on a tiny disability income for many years now and life hanging by a thread.
I think it's more demonic than psychological at this point like a family curse.
God bless anyone effected by these kind of people and God bless all of you and your families.
I just went no contact, the writing has been on the wall for years. It sucks but it strenghtend me. It will free you up to have more compassion for yourself and others.
@@MotorcyclePhaedrus well done. I am no contact too and agree
@@russellm7530 god bless you
@@russellm7530 I feel your pain and I'm wishing you strength and perhaps a much deserved, needed miracle to improve your circumstances to match the inherent worthiness within you. Much love
The body remembers what the mind tried to forget. Listen to your body and it will tell you your history.
So true. My back was so tense and seized. My body was almost frozen. I needed to pause and rebuilt my life after my narc family threw out my ; truck , boat , 30ft trailer and motorcycle.
When they found out I was looking after my mom who had terminal cancer .....they stole my keys and sold my possessions behind my back.
@@vlogcity1111 healing our mind is sometimes the difference between life and death, as the body will try to kill itself for the family loyalty
Beautifully put
@@vlogcity1111 any tips on how you got over the tension in your body?
I have the same thing with my back, it’s where I store all my emotional tension, it means my back is tight all the time and hence certain parts of my back have to carry too much of the load and get injured all the time. And the general discomfort of always having a tight back, nicely wound up 🙁🤔
@@MituPitu1 dude that’s an interesting concept, because that is definitely somewhat part of the underlying motivation to carry the tension in your body
Try telling a psychologist that a parents refusal to help you as a kid to solve problems, problems adults caused for you, for the parents to then blame you for not coping with said problems, is abuse.
It's a joke. It gets labeled as 'not being able to adequately guide the kid.'
So a parent can neglect a kid's basic needs, go off on said kid for years as a result, then it's called a minor thing? But hitting a kid and oh it's abuse!
Both is equally abuse.
Unfortunately neglect causes years of continuing suffering while the child isn't allowed to even realise it.
Instead guilt and shame turns it on themselves.
Step one is to see it for what it was.
Step two is shedding guilt.
Step three is anger and hurt.
Step 4 is grief and healing.
Something of the sort.
I get really heated about this topic. My parents neglected me as a baby, and just as you said, there are no conventional "memories" of this, but I deal with debilitating sensitivity, low self esteem, anxiety and depression, attachment issues, difficulty maintaining relationships, the list goes on. Parents, please do not leave your baby to cry on their own.
It's incredible the collective denial of emotional neglect as a concept. To many it seems laughable, I think it's them not wanting to admit. Maybe it's that they see abuse and neglect as only the worst and most evil intentional, knowing kinds of pain one can go through. That abuse isn't a spectrum, but rather a strict threshold of having suffered "enough".
I feel like a lot of the people in denial about emotional neglect being trauma may partly feel that way because of how shockingly common emotional neglect is to the point it's 'normalised' and not seen as serious - which says a lot about how backwards and twisted society is since such a childhood trauma seems to be the NORM.
@@hekate3297 we have normalized neglect to a point where we’ve allowed the government to forcibly socially isolate us.
It’s that is not a normalization of neglect and abuse I don’t know what it. We are collectively placed under duress and most people just try to get by
@@vlogcity1111 I just get subtly pissed. I get all sorts of hidden rage for it , lol. Truth beats lies every time... no matter what 'they' do, lol. Reality is stronger than fiction, no matter what lies are made.
One day once I’ve got that island of safety and have grieved my trauma, I’m gonna use what you’ve taught here and info from other people to create a guide to healing from trauma. I think it’s something everyone who goes through this and has success should consider doing.
I am looking forward to your guide💚🙏🏻...
@@Bojan_V if this works then it’s probably gonna be a lot like cooking. 90% of the work
Is the prep 😋
@@pod9363 Awesome! Probably it will be bitter-sweet, but at the end only sweetness will remain...
I feel the same, i am working through healing after many years with shit modalities, but now things are changing - i know i will heal
❤️❤️❤️
Neglect can be a form of passive aggression: "My child has a need... screw that need, let it suffer..."
I got ptsd at 13 after my Dad broke my arm. It was a very bad break. Both bones were totally snapped. He was drunk and jumping up and down on me. After years of hospital visits and multiple surgeries I said I still had pain in my arm. They told me I was saying that to make Dad feel bad. Years later that turned into "Dad didn't break your arm you imagined it."
Funny years later my Dad was dying but they kept it a secret from me...he cried out to see me. Errrr nope. Goodbye. Then when my mother found out Dad had left her nothing she contacted me to apologise on Dad's behalf. My response started with F and ended with uck off. Once someone betrays you repeatedly they are no longer your friend. It's as simple as that. Walk away.
Mr. Mackler, your channel is truly a blessing.
"They can't grieve". This was so true for me for about 20 years. And then the grieving is terrible. But so more the freedom that arise from these grieving ashes afterwards, is what each traumatised person should aspire.
One more experience to share on this SO important video-my father suddenly started acting like my parent when i was diagnosed w terminal cancer at 53. Sad part is i just don't trust his motivation. I responded as if - i try to acknowledge his now-bizarre outpouring of affection but i don't believe him one bit.
You are so right about choosing not to reproduce. I too believe the world is such a sad benighted place i wouldn't force anyone else to muddle through it.
I'm so sorry. I wish you a good health as much as possible. There are people out there in the world who do care about you and you are not alone...
🙏🏻
That’s is so difficult I’m sorry your going through that. Knowing he could have acted that way the whole time.
I wound the surprised if you told him you don’t want him around
Maybe he has had his own realisation. Maybe ask him why the change of heart?
@@MrAllstar i have. He says he was a young parent. No acknowledgement that the neglect and disrespect and gaslighting continued for over 4 decades.
you hit the nail right on the head, and people overall aren't self aware enough to realize that that subtle interaction between caregiver and child absolutely must be attended to when both are interacting and that a distracted caregiver gives off the vibe to the child that he isn't loved, how else can he interpret the caregiver's behavior when that person is distracted? thank you for bringing this up, when will people change? man i think it's going to take another 100yrs for people to realize what you are talking about is a real problem; hell parents are the first ones to deny responsibility for how their children turned out, for them to actually reflect on the type of child they unleashed upon the world takes way too much self introspection for them to handle.
Siblings would reject them... they would be called narcissistic(I got that label from a ward head for failig to forgive my mother)... Society would reject them(life is too short for holding a grudge)...
I got goose bumps all over my body watching your video. You speak directly to my true self and validate his history. Thanks.
I always wondered why I subconsciously rejected my brother yet tried so hard to connect with him. Nothings home.
He threw a Swiss Army knife at my face when I was 14 I needed stitches so close to my eye I could have been blinded. In one of his fits of rage.
He also the day after our mom died elbowed me in the face.... now I know why I subconsciously rejected him as a kid.
He’s a broken child and even more broken adult.
I realize as the older brother it’s not my job to save him.
@@vlogcity1111 I dont know If I can relate, becouse I was the brother who threw a knife on my brother. But he was teasing me for hours prior, and my whole childhood. We acted out on each other. And he molested me with a cousing when I was little. So he kind of worked on it, but my bombs were implanted by my parents neglects and abuse. Yes, you are not responsible for fixing him. He is.
Sadly, this get taken very lightly, especially nowadays
yes you're right this wound is the prima causa of all the dysfunction of our species. and we are psychological hard wired to pass it on and on and on. Being a biologist I have thought quite a bit about this over the years and I believe that it originated with the self-domestication of man. we forgot much of the biological wisdom of our ancestors as we transformed from the ways nature had taught us to live to the ways we live in modern society. one of the things we forgot was how to care for our young in a way that doesn't permanently damage them. you see similar problems in animals kept in captivity. they lose an essential part of their intelligence. it is the number one problem we are facing and it is what is driving us to extinction. yet, by the very way that our minds work (or at least most people's minds) we are cut off from the ugly truth that would save us
I totally agree
You’re completely right. Peter Gray does really interesting work around this, his dissertation about hunter gatherer childhoods is incredible
@@evangeline9052 thanks for the info! Do you know where I could find the dissertation? Have checked his website but I don't think it's there
So we should go back to living in caves?
@@NightinGal89
I think somewhere in the Amazon would be nice.
I’ve been grieving my family for over 6 months now and I find it necessary because I have a child. My siblings, however who also have children continue to turn a blind eye to my parent’s abuse because they so desperately still crave their approval and “love”.
Thank you Daniel! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍
Fellow Jehovah's Witnesses worriedly looked at us when my parents when they told tired new mom and dad's to let their newborn cry so the adults could get their precious sleep.
If you know the parenting practices of typical JWs, you get where I'm coming from.
My mom told me many times how I was a good baby when learned to sleep through the night at 2 weeks old. I gave up is what happened.
I believe it is directly related to my lifelong asthma, etc.
Very well said, Daniel. When I look out at the world, this is one of the most dominant patterns that I can see, everything ties into it one way or other and it is the root of unspeakable, overwhelming suffering and it hurts a great deal to see it.
My neighbour across the street has two children and a dog and everyday I see (and definitely hear) them wandering aimlessly in their front yard, caged in by a tall metal fence, barking and screaming in the most provocative manner and flailing around their arms like fish washed ashore with the parents nowhere in sight until they emerge from their residence to smoke cigarettes. This goes on for hours everyday and I have seen the smug, infantile, defiant expression on their father's face once in a while when I meet him on the street. Last winter I saw both of their children shovelling snow with their father on the yard (they are probably 5 & 8 y/o respectively -ish) and it's just so plain to see what's going on, and yet the whole drama is on public display for all to see with zero risk of repercussions.
Things need to change, but I'm not feeling too optimistic about it to say the least...
I watched a Tik-Tok answering the question what if I don't remember my childhood trauma? And her response was if you don't remember it that is a good thing your psyche is locking it away to protect you. And if you unlocked it it would be too painful and actually make life harder for you. Everybody was supporting this response in the comments. But I couldn't help but think about some of the things you've said on your channel and how it seems diametrically opposed to it. My concern is that the people who don't heal their childhood traumas will pass them on. So it's actually not a good thing that they're not accessing the memories. Would you agree?
People who’s mind block out the childhood trauma usually perpetuate the cycle in a blind rage and confusion.
The odd person can burry it for 35 years only for it to surface and blow up everything they’ve worked for in their life (my dads and example)
Blew his whole life; Job , marriage and relationships with his kids up after 35 years.
i blocked my childhood from ages 0-12, and only through recent work has the veil unpealed a bit. if you want to heal, you need to take the plaster off and face hard things. The alternative of not doing so will also hurt but its a slow and painful death and likely to manifest physically too
I remember clearly at age 12 or so, that I became aware and awkwardly distressed about the fact that there were big gaps in my childhood memories. No one ever understood it and were kind of half annoyed half amused by my bad memory. No one cared to explain or empathise with me, that was the pattern I now recognize. I was labeled as very intellectual, introvert, distracted kind of kid, nothing worth enquiring about.
What you won't solve will not go away. And thus it will cause it's negative effects until you adress it.
It's not difficult to see this with everything else not psychollogical.
Don't treat an infection? Don't fix a structural instability?
Well said. Absolutely true. It is the numbness and paralysis at the core of humanity that is leading us down a path of destruction. It's difficult to be conscious of it but it can also take the edge off the insanity. Awareness and emotional connection is the only hope. Thank you for your work in raising consciousness around childhood trauma however hidden or disguised it may be.
One of the worst experiences for me was my mother would expect my sister and I to take a nyc subway to school by ourselves. We were in elementary school.
I remember at 7 or 8 years old exiting the subway and my sister was still on the subway and I was on the platform. I don’t remember much, the police came and a nice man helped us. This nice man walked us to school, he was probably thinking where the F is the mother.
That must have been so scary for you.
I identify with this description of neglect and its impact on society. The only part where I differ, is that I think there's hope. Finally hope is creeping out for the first time in millennia. That communities around the world are getting to know and healing their own shadow side, going no contact, breaking the intergenerational cycle of trauma. Society I shifting profoundly and there's 50 percent of it going to go badly, and 50 percent of it going to go very well. I plan to be with the latter 50 percent. It is not a matter of natural selection, that I will be the chosen bunch because I am better. It is because of sheer serendipity, that I was so tremendously abused in a period of history where access to information has made it possible for me to break free. I am free inside, and no matter if you put me in a cage - quite close to what this society is - I am still free.
I think you're projecting a potential to live up to your own outlier high capacity for empathy onto the rest of humanity. In other words I don't really think there will ever be a point where most people are as empathetic as Daniel Mackler. For a long time I was depressed because I did the same thing and wondered why almost no one lived up to what I thought were simple/self evident ethical standards
I appreciate your comment.
I don’t think this is similar to a doctor telling a crippled patient he can walk again.
I think this is the equivalent of Daniel showing patients with a limp how to walk upright and realize the limp and improve it.
I think you could be projecting how you felt your results were not adequate.
Realistically I think there is many people who want to access and live and empathetic life and relationships. They just have no idea how from abuse and trauma.
They need spoken and real examples to be able to assimilate and create an emotionally empathetic environment for themselves.
i think you need to also look inside as to why what Daniel says is bothering you?
I also felt Daniel was projecting a bit in this video, it didn’t take anything away from it but it felt like he had a bone to pick 🫵😉
Youre the only person that gives me hope that someday i will be okay, that someday i will feel connected to the child inside me that was hidden for so long :(
I agree with you Daniel. My baby boy is my number 1 priority.
I'd love to see you do a video about those people who do the adult baby thing. There's a whole community of people who like to role play as babies. They dress and act like babies and even get special furniture and toys and hire people to role play as parents to feed them and change their diapers and stuff. (Some even use diapers full time.) Some do it for sexual purposes, but others say they do it because they had a traumatic early childhood and they want to relive it and have a do over, in a way. But I think others do it for even other reasons besides that. There was a guy named Stanley, I think, who became especially well known for doing this because he was on a TLC show about it and there are videos of him all over TH-cam. Daniel, I'd love to know your thoughts on this.
Interesting. My first reaction is that those people are not actually healing, rather they are acting out their unresolved issues…
@@dmackler58 What I want to know is -do they want to relive their baby days because that was the only good part of their childhood, before the abuse started, so they want to mentally go back to that time and stay there? - Or did the abuse start when they actually were a baby and they want to just scrap their whole childhood and do the whole thing over from the beginning? Of course, you'd have to ask one of them, to know for sure, and I'm sure it's different for different people, but's that's the question I have.
Hmm, I’m not sure, and like you said, to really know it would be necessary to hear more of their story, to talk with them. But all of your explanations are definitely possible! Greetings!
Daniel, thank you for this video once again. I have just recently found out that unfortunately I have been emotionally neglected a lot in my life... This video's topic perfect for me at this moment ........ : ((
This might be random, but I would love to hear your thoughts on the people and media's fascination with the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp defamation case. Like, why is domestic abuse viewed as entertainment? Why do we have access to watch the trial live on social media and watch these psychologists (the "experts") confidently putting labels on these people (Dr.Curry diagnosing Heard with BPD and Histrionic) ...? (Do not get me wrong - there is something "off" about Ms. Heard and not trying to side with her, but I believe both Heard and Depp were toxic to each other). All of this is just.... disturbing on so many levels. People have strong opinions on these people and seem to know what have happened between closed doors between these two people. We as a collective are bringing up the traumas of these two people but we are refusing to look within ourselves and seeing our OWN toxic behaviour. On the other hand, are we tapping into collective hidden trauma of troubled family systems or relationships and could we see this as a some sort of "therapeutic" thing for us (in a really weird way)? I dunno.... was hoping to know your thoughts, whatever they are!
Oh and not to mention our legal systems, like how are they problematic. I do not live in the US - I am European - but I mean having watched this trial online ..... raises so many questions. This is a weird, sick world we live in watching millionaires publicly discussing their private relationships to win the lawsuit for the amount of sums of Money - millions of dollars- that most of us regular people in this planet can only dream of having access to, and yet we are sympathising with these mega rich and taking sides and thinking that this is somehow "justice"? What is true justice? When it comes to trauma and domestic abuse. I do not have straightforward answer but I do not think that large sums of money can heal a trauma in its core. Money sure helps living in this world but it doesn't go well with these things like justice and trauma and that sort of stuff....
Many people who watch this trial are aware that this is not a moment of justice that settles all the injustices of the world.
It's just a moment that 1/ shows that a man can be a victim of a woman and 2/ what a narcissist looks like, not a discreet version.
There is also perhaps a bit of a sense of revenge for the millions of people who have never been able to bring their abuser to justice. Here, an abuser is unmasked, and that's already one less invisible violence on this planet. 🤷🏼♀️
It’s an interesting phenomenon how many people are so easily swayed and quick to jump to conclusions, it’s a form of self delusion.
The 2 of them together was a toxic mix, both are fairly crazy in different ways 😂😞
Thank you for this video!
Hello Daniel. I think it would be interesting if you did a video on family vloggers, who really seem to be narcassists putting their children on the internet. I wonder what the "perfect" families are like off camera; of course we can only speculate.
I have thought this same thing for so long as I see the deadness in generations past and even sometimes newer ones, especially in the inability of my family to acknowledge these things. This is the core of why our society is in such chaos and pain. I hadn’t taken that thought out to how we affect nature as you mentioned but it is so true! I do see hope in newer parents raising their children more consciously, teaching self love but we have a looooong way to go before that penetrates deep into society. Appreciate hearing your thoughts and assessments.
Thank you for your honest and truthful analysis. It helps me. People in South Korea need this view.
(Hi Daniel, this is the second of two completely different comments I posted on this video and I'd like you to read and respond to both, so be sure to look for my first one, below, about the adult baby community, too.) I've thought about this issue a lot because I've just recently started working at a childcare center for the first time. I have mixed feelings about it. I work with the two year old class. It's a private school that goes from infant to Kindergarten. It's in a rich area and the clientele is mostly working professionals, like doctors and executives, etc. I think I know what you're probably going to say about people who leave their kids in daycare for 9 hours a day, (especially rich people who could afford a nanny, and some even do have nannies too,) but I'm really not interested in starting a comment debate about whether or not moms should work. We live in a world where often both parents have to work and I don't see that changing anytime soon. That being said, I see a lot of these types of attitudes about kids in my workplace. The other teachers always give me such a hard time because they think I let the kids walk all over me. They're always telling me, "you need to scream at them" and it makes me so uncomfortable. I've thought about the stuff that Jordan Peterson said about how you need to civilize a kid before the age of three. And I've thought about the response video you did, where you said you didn't agree with him on that. I have to say that I don't agree with either viewpoint, 100% I think Peterson was right, in the sense, that there are a lot of small kids who do anti social things just because of their natural inborn temperament, but it can and should be corrected. They hit other kids, or bully them or act rude or manipulative, or are very selfish. And it's not always just the parent's fault; I think some people truly are just born like that. But if you're strict with those types of kids and you teach them to see why it's good to be a nice person, you'll stop them from becoming a narcissist later on. I think it's actually abusive and neglectful to not do that. Some kids have to be taught to have empathy. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, (I'm not screaming, I just don't know how to get italic font on TH-cam,) there are MANY more kids who are not born with the antisocial tendencies, but so many adults seem to not be able to tell the difference, or just not care. They just think that any time a small kid cries or acts out in any way, it's just because they're being a brat. And that's where I agree with you.
As for me, I had the gold standard for a happy early childhood, so I think that's what gives me the ability to empathize. For my first eight years, I grew up in what would be considered the perfect Leave it to Beaver type family. My mom stayed home and my dad had a good job and we lived in a good neighborhood with lots of friends. My parents loved each other and had a strong marriage and loved and were very proud of me. My mom always thought the whole "cry it out" thing was bullshit and that babies should be breastfed whenever possible and held if they're going to be bottle fed. I spent most of my days from birth-5, just hanging out at home, playing with toys and relaxing and being happy. I always believed that having a really happy, trauma free time at that age has a lifelong protective effect on the brain. I think it protects you from future mental illness, even you get abused later on, almost like a vaccine protects from viruses. I think that's because it gives the brain an original emotional set point that it can return to, later in life when you're trying to feel happy and self sooth. But that's just my own uneducated opinion. I'd love to know if there's any other actual neuroscience research on this, besides the studies out of Princeton University, that I've seen on early childhood traumatic events and later learning.
Very interesting testimony.
When you talk about children being born with anti-social behaviors, how did you find out that it didn't come from the parents/their experiences outside the home? You seem very assertive on this point.
Regarding learning empathy, science recognizes that the most effective, rapid, powerful way to learn is by example / influence.
So this should lead us to conclude that being harsh and yelling is ALWAYS wrong (unless you want to teach the other person to be harsh and yell at others).
Thank you for sharing this, Melissa. I agree that very early loving experiences will help protect a child from future mental illness. And that early negative experiences can lay the groundwork for lifelong psychological problems.
how do i fucking heal when i can't even open my mouth around anyone i feel intense anxiety in my stomach and throat and my face is so straight i can't even force myself to act normal how do i get fucking help when i can't even speak a single word around anyone. i'm on the verge of losing my identity again. i can't speak for myself and can't make decisions for myself . I'd rather die than live like this in this hellish world. i am being perceived as a weirdo who doesn't talk to anyone ,whose body is so immobile it's embarassing and no matter how silent the environment around her and the other person is , she never knows what to speak about. i don't have a fuvking personality and can't get out of this autopilot mode where things keep happening to me but i can't bring myself to change them. i procrastinate until the deadline because of this autopilot mode and then when i see others all ready and set to go i start to panic and then only realise how left behind i am but when i be having the time to do some work i just procrastinate and don't realise how much destruction is happening.
Wow you just described my life. Just know you are not alone and I understand your pain and discomfort. I’m learning to let go of the shame and it’s difficult but I am so proud of myself for the times that I see improvement and I’m compassionate to myself for the times that I slip back to autopilot. Tomorrow is a new day. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. I see myself in you, and I see your value. Share your value and allow others to value you. The more you share it with the world, the more you’ll see your worth.
I agree that individuals have to be willing acknowledge the neglect that they had to endure in childhood, and that neglect is a prolific appendage of more modern society in general,, but I take pause to agree that it is a fixture of every collective of humanity. Neglect of a child is simply not being emotionally connected and invested in the innate devemental needs of kids in a family and community. There are and have been societies, villages and communities that are more acutely in tune with each child's potential. I see more of a spectrum when I look at cultures around the world and across time. Native American tribes throughout the Americas, traditionally, sought to develop and utilize the individual strengths of each child. Each person is unique and has invaluable traits that have the potential to assist in the survival of each collective. In most of traditional Africa, the primary virtue is "It takes a village to raise a child". It simple, some societies recognize these fundamentals more thoroughly than others. The key really is to accept the responsibilities that come along with having offspring that will inevitably, inherit the Earth and to open up our worldviews to include those that are more sustainable and may look very little like our own. The ultimate neglect is to not do everything in our power to invest in our children's future, and not allow the greediest and most narcissistic people to guide the direction of humanity in unacceptable ways.
Probably because when your society is made of a few people it's important to get the best out of everybody. If on the other hand your society is made of countless of people, who cares if a few (or if a lot of them) won't live up to their potential: worst case scenario they're just going to join the uneducated working class and depreciate the value of their labor even further and that can only be pleasing for the people in power.
@@sallyann985 Very true... Still, the only way forward, is to make the most of every individual. Just because there are large amounts of people doesn't necessarily mean that it is impossible to focus on the singular attributes of individuals. Throughout recorded history, individuality is sacrificed for the narcissistic qualities of the ruling class. Daniel made the assertion that he feels a sense of hopelessness about the fate of humanity, that is mirrored many times over in mainstream society. Looking at it from only that perspective, I would have to agree. But the issue with that is there are countless examples that are indeed, investing most, if not all of their resources into the future of their communities and children. Most people tend to modify their behaviors when they understand that doing so will have positive implications for their offspring. Most of that is lost in the largest societies. But most people from the other side view that being more ignorance and hopelessness than anything else.
@@garymotley8196 funny cause in a way, today's society cares a lot about individuality, but true individuality can only exist if there's connection. Who are you being an individual for if no one's there to look at you?
@@sallyann985 Exactly. Human beings are innately social animals, period. It is literally unsustainable for humanity to endure without other people. But extreme economics has convinced many in the West that deprivation of others is the only way to acquire value and honor. I say, we have to stop drinking that Kool-aid.
@@garymotley8196 I've got to say that I don't think people outside the west are more connected than we are, they're just more dependent on their family and community for economic reasons. At least the west (some of the west) allows you to venture out on your own if your family is not good. In most of the world you're just stuck. I wonder if the few hunter gatherer societies left (who are unfortunately going to be wiped out soon) actually experience true connection.
Edit: your last comment probably got flagged by youtube and I'm the only one who can see it from my notification feed.
Daniel, do you like Gabor Mate?
I find watching videos on this subject difficult to watch but Daniel’s direct forthright way of telling it makes it possible for me to watch to the end, a truly kindred spirit, thanks man.
❤Thank you for explaining the psychology behind neglect and its cyclical effects via the generations. You are very articulate in the best of ways. "This is the denial of our species." Yes! Thank you. We must connect to that baby's tears within us, then we can heal.😊
No rant. You are speaking my thoughts. However, I am wondering if you have any examples of people/places/cultures that are getting it, to some meaningful degree, right?
There’s something about the bond and that love that ancient tribal communities have for their children makes me think this is how we are meant to live.
Yes, hunter gatherer communities! Check out Peter Grays dissertation on hunter gatherer childhoods, it’s mind blowing
@@evangeline9052
Is this the vid you referring to?
th-cam.com/video/8eX_hosK3Ic/w-d-xo.html
@@evangeline9052 Wow, checked that paper out - thanks for bringing it up!! It's so interesting to see people who have done their research on the subject agree with these views too. Saving it for sure!!
@@evangeline9052 that sounds interesting, what were his main points about what he found?
My parents neglected me by letting me and my cousin take baths together, sleep in the same bed together, and play in the camper together and she preyed on me. I loath my parents for this I finally told my parents what happened to me and it was pretty painful. Just listening to this gives me so much anxiety it’s depressing. I also buried it in me. Today as an adult I can’t stand seeing my cousin and I want to call her out on her bullshit but won’t.
That's why I think if we all start to learn how to peaceful parent it would change the world.
Man this guy is just so good 👀
That's right
Wow, love It, I have so much respect for what you do! Keep up the good work!
New take of the outro? I like it 😁
Daniel, on one hand I think it's such a pity that a wise and sensible person like you you doesn't want to have children (if I remember correctly that's what you expressed) but then I realise that those children would be living in the world full of suffering, malice, repression, denial, acting out, cruelty... they would have to learn about Holocaust and Hiroshima... they would have to make sense of various religions and their delusional followers who are willing to kill in the name of God... and I'm asking myself, how can a wise and sensitive person make a conscious decision to bring children into this world? They can't. But I'm not trying to say that people who decide to have children are somehow morally reprehensible, of course not. I, personally, have been studying the philosophy and science of free will and the most rational and honest thinkers agree that free will is impossible. This awareness helps me deal with countless absurdities of life.
I think most of these people like you and Daniel, who perpetuate this whole idea that they shouldn't have kids, are exactly the people who should be having them. The message is being received by the wrong audience. The people who really need to hear it will never listen.
Tell me one single non selfish reason to have kids? There's not a single one.
I TOTALY AGREE.
Very wise.
If you find yourself in French Catalonia, drop in.
lol - it wasn't really a rant as emotionally empahsising to an important message. Gabor Mate and Alan Robarge talk about this kind of emotional loss and what it feels like at some lengths in various youtube videos. As adults the effects are subtle and we don't realise how our childhood has skewed our emotional compass. Something else is that when we talk to children and we mean one thing they interpret what we say as we might withold our love if they don't do what we say. (This fear of a parent withholding love is a real fear for a child, but as an adult we forget this is how we felt as a child).
Daniel can a person developed paranoid psychosis if he were the black sheep in the family ?
Personally, I'd say in my experience, it's a strong contributor.
6:00
🙏🙏🙏 Please Daniel, make some clickbait videos, exploit the AH-JD lawsuit to publicize Alice Miller's theories! 🙏🙏🙏Golden opportunity!
Just watched the documentary on the "hatchet-wieling hitchhiker". Could you do an analysis on him? just a thought, given he was definitely neglected (he was locked up as a kid because his mother "couldn't handle him" because she clearly wasn't mature enough to see him for who he was.
❤
Let’s go
Very well said Daniel.
I think you’d find the writings of philosopher, David Benatar, enlightening - particularly those pertaining to antinatalism.
Key word: Betrail.
How to Teach Mindsets | Andrew Huberman featuring Dr. Alia Crumb
th-cam.com/video/dFR_wFN23ZY/w-d-xo.html
^ a very interesting way to teach how to enjoy, healthy food 🥘 rather than unimpeachably, over powering, a child’s innate, will… a more “humane” form of Parenthood.
Danial, I know you don’t believe in God but why is it that you’re more of a Christian then actual Christian’s when you’re not even a Christian? It’s unbelievable how some religious people are so toxic. They haven’t awoken yet and I’m hoping that you do a video on this
From an evolutionary perspective; why would this be so?
Classic example : Vladimir putin.
Combe back when you've figured it out, then you'll have something more valuable to say on this topic 😜