It was so healing for me to see that there is a difference between someone who uses anger to manipulate and control, and someone who experiences it because of childhood trauma. I thought for most of my life that I was the former, and a monster, but I am definitely the latter, a broken person who doesn’t know how to regulate themselves. I’m gonna do what I can to heal and get this under control.
Does it piss anyone else off that the things that are done to you as a child become your problem as an adult? "Hey, we neglected and abused you, so fix it or you're out."
Hell yeah! It's a huge burden of responsibility to break generational trauma. I have over 30yrs of recovery and I'm still working on it. I have estranged myself from abusers long ago though.
Better than repeating the cycle of doom and destruction, “Sins of the Fathers”. You have free will, we didn’t choose as children the program but now we can discern, and pick what’s best for us. You shall know the truth and it shall set you free.
My precious Daddy was a victim of this type of neglect. He often reacted with rage in some circumstances. It was hard for me to forgive his mama my granny. No doubt she grew up in an abusive home void of understanding and love. This was back in the early part of the twentieth century when most people didn't have the knowledge that they have regarding the family unit. He never got counseling that I know of. In spite of all that he became a successful preacher and school teacher. He had a lot of compassion for people because of what he suffered. He would have been a happier person had he addressed what went on in his family.
I understand 100%. Im a clean freak whit my body & clothing now. I when thru so much trauma but to be neglected to the point where we neglect our own self has a child and Young teenager is horrible. When a child is hygiène neglected he almost 100% is going thru a lot of other form of neglecting & abuse. Stay strong & stand strong.
Glad you are validating depression and anger. I was never allowed to be angry as a child and if I expressed anger, I was punished. I'm ashamed to admit to episodes of rage towards electronics. It's expensive. I destroyed a personal laptop beyond repair and had to buy a new one. Although I've wanted to throw my laptop many times at work out of unrelieved frustration, I signed a form acknowledging that the laptop is the property of my employer and I am responsible to pay to replace it. That and the embarrassment. So I walk away, go splash cold water in my face, eat a snack (being hangry is a trigger), or go for a walk. My new therapist is doing EMDR and IFS, aka parts therapy, with me. I'm learning to give myself permission to feel angry and identify what need is not being met. Making progress.
You are doing an amazing work on this. I hope you give yourself credit for your acute self awareness, practice of self restraint, and leading to self mastery. You're trying really hard and it is paying off. That's all that can be asked of a human being. So glad you're getting the support you need. Keep going, keep practicing. It gets easier with time. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
@@tracy3812 I work Quality Assurance for software. Performance and functional testing. Rage against the machines is part of life, and often .. justified. 😇
I think feeling anger can be a part of the healing journey as we move through depression - those of us who learned to suppress emotions initially get depressed, but when we start the process of healing the anger can start to come up. Then we have to learn the tools to deal with it....sounds like you are!
The coolest thing just happened to me while listening to the video. Context: I was at my mom's house. She was nitpicking at me again. I was so fed up with it. I thought to myself " just breathe like you do to go to sleep at night. Big breath in 1,2,3,4,5. breathe out slowly. Keep breathing til you are calm. Wait for it it will come. Sure enough. Did not speak nasty back to my mom. She is 79. I am 61. I felt so in control at that moment. And each time I did this, cause she nit picks all the time. And you spoke about doing just this. I am so proud I thought of it. Used it and got it right. Thank you for this video. I needed to see I did the correct thing.
wow ur moms that old and still doing the same thing all your lives. ur mom sounds like she needs more healing than anyone else it seems like that generation are so much more harsh. use tough love and never joke around
To this day I dont have a memory of my parents giving me emotional support, i do remember my mom always telling me i was cold and non loving. I suspect i got it from them…. Hard to change at 32 years old but i am trying for my daughter.
In my experience most ppl don’t start to self-reflect and heal until they’re in their 30s and are emotionally mature enough to be honest with themselves. (I’m in my 70s.) You can do this! Just be as patient with yourself as you want to be with your children. You got this!!
What your mom said to you was a reflection on her and you should not have been treated that way as a child. You were amazing, lovable, and you were born perfect. Your parents made you think you weren’t. As an adult, you can do better and the fact that you even clicked on this video says a lot already. Would your mom have clicked on this video? I think we know that answer. 🤗
Psalm 103:8 “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Most of us were not raised right by our earthly parents. However, God our Father in heaven, can do more for you & loves you more that our earthy parents ever could. Come home, he loves you & is waiting for you with open arms.
My mom killed herself when I was 7 and I was raised by my abusive father who has narcissistic personality disorder and was a Vietnam vet and drill sergeant in the Army. Also we lived out in the country, so I had no friends and was completely isolated. I've lost a few jobs because I couldn't control my rage after awhile and would be like the incredible Hulk on PCP. It took me over 30 years to get control of my emotions and relax after I went no contact with my dad because he's still a complete asshole. It's just a miracle I didn't turn into a serial killer considering my childhood lol.
same except it was my narc sister and enabling mother haha. The army tends to attract people like those, I should know because I almost joined at a time where I was kind of an ahole. I did what you did and cut contact with my sister. Glad I did haha
I eventually realized he'll never change and won't even acknowledge the abuse much less apologize and the only option was to get away for the sake of my sanity. Apparently that's all you can do with narcissists. It just sucks when it's a family member because you naturally want them to be in your life, but some people are just toxic through and through. @@thatgui88
I had a vet father like that. He used threatened me with death weekly. I learn to run fast and stay out of his way mostly. He was usually toobusy getting drunk and watching football all weekend. I would stay outside from dawn to dusk usually until he passed out.
Wow, this...was actually eye opening. I thought most of my intense anger was rooted in my emotional dysregulation from undiagnosed ADHD - but this really nails it on the head. I always feel terrible, and cry, and apologize afterwards because...I hate it. I hate who I am when I hit that rage point. I was emotionally and physically abused AND I was starved as part of the punishment (and was almost never taken to a doctor...even when my grandmother, a school teacher, told them I had ADHD) - so even at 35, I'm still not okay about it all. Thank you, Doctor Marks, for helping me learn more about my own brain, and what's going on - and hopefully I can get into counseling soon, and bring these sorts of things up with a therapist. (Sadly, I'm finding that every depression medication I try makes me have nasty side-effects, so any other way I can find to help myself, I'll take it!) Having a pet really helped me - because there is no worse guilt than making an innocent feel fear at your own hands, and I NEVER want to do that. It's taught me to slow down and process things a lot more before I react out of that impulsive anger - because animals, like children, don't know any better. They're not doing things to spite you, they're the purest form of innocence, and when they're being a bother...they often just want some love and attention, and I can't fault them for that, as a once abused and neglected child.
I was emotionally neglected as a kid and my parents are my bosses so I've been having rage episodes for the last 2-3 days, Dr. Tracey Marks somehow always knows what video I need, seriously 😅😅
@@tmkc162 I'm seeking a way out, It was covid time when I agreed on a whim to work with them in the family business and now it's the biggest regret of my life. Everything that they do is so triggering and I live in a city that I hate and have no friends. I need the last straw to decide that I cannot sacrifice my life to accommodate theirs.
@@Beren_Yildirim You don't need a last straw, you are not happy. Look at something called the Personal Bill of Rights, that list might help you realise a little more, that YOU are in charge. You must live your life how you want to, and by your means. It is difficult i know i am there but don't leave it till the last moment. You got this!
You are your own person. You belong to no one, not even your parents. Even though your parents have a lot of influence on you and your childhood, once we are adults, we have to figure out a way to cope. And work to process the trauma so we can be free.
I think educational neglect can include a parent finding out the child tests well and is “smart,” so they put pressure on the child with their expectations but don’t do anything to help or teach them. I was a kid who was super solitary and quiet, but I did well in school and was put in special programs. But I have no memories of anyone teaching me how to study, how to do anything, really. I was left to figure things out for myself, which I guess gave me that skill, but when I didn’t understand something in school (like taking algebra over and over because certain things didn’t click), I wasn’t able to ask for help because I didn’t think I was ALLOWED to. When my therapist asked me how problems were handled in my family, like if I had a problem and went to my parents for help… I was like “wait…what? I don’t know what that means.” That was when I realized I had missed out on a LOT of parenting.
I expirenced educational neglect but the teachers I had growing up were part of the problem. They didn’t give emotional support to me and actually resulted in mistreatment. I learned that my struggles were problematic and that it was an inconvenience. This went on even to college with the same issue happening again. A lot of adults in education seem to hide behind being an educator and lack emotional intleligence and maturity. It made me lose respect towards a lot of them and most of them would argue they are learning themselves when in reality they don’t want to know better and do better but students should before them.
Your story resonated with me. I feel clueless about life, and I feel missing opportunity through growing in life because my unawareness/ignorance because lack of guidance and neglect. I am feel lonely all in my life. I am feel sad. 😢
My parents were the same. They didn't go out of their way to foster growth. I, too, was put in "smart" classes. As far as my parents were concerned, I was "good enough". I didn't do homework. They never cared unless they got a call from school. Then they pretended to care until they forgot about it, then life went back to normal. My parents never supported me going to college, and actually mocked me for it.
My sister recently came to live with me and my wife because she left a toxic relationship. It’s been so odd because we have spent hours and hours talking about our childhood, what it was like to have parents like ours, and the neglect of having 7 children in the household. (My parents were Mormons and it was what they were told to do). But explosive anger seems to come up a lot in our conversations and this video helps explain some of it. So a sincere thank you for providing some insight.
I grew up in a family of 6 kids with a single mother. She had no time for anything but to work two jobs. We each had to survive and find out way in the world. We're not very close to each other or as a family. It's fractured our connection as intergenerational trauma tends to do. There's definitely anger and shame and poor boundaries. My mom was also very religious and at one time when I left "the fold" and ran away from home, she prevented me from seeing my siblings for time. It was a mess.
@@NeseretBemient I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve heard so many stories of people’s family struggles when someone leaves or stops believing in the parent’s church. Luckily for me, my father was starting to see the nonsense of his religion when I was a kid, so I never had the experience you had. He did hold on to the spirit of a bunch of the culture, mostly “the patriarchy”, and I could go on for hours about him, but fortunately he was gone away on business a lot and my mom had to deal with everything at home. So she didn’t have the time, nor inclination, to nurture us and we basically had to do the same as you. However, it makes me mad that my youngest sibling was just waited on hand and foot by her. She would jump and make him a sandwich anytime he wanted one, yet I had to make my own. Don’t get me wrong, at 49 years old I’m glad to be more self sufficient, but that was an anger triggered for me.
@@thelostone6981 wow, that last part about the youngest being babied. So spot on. That’s why I’ve distanced myself from my mother and youngest sibling. And my mother has the audacity to wonder why I’m so responsible yet her youngest child is the complete opposite.
My anger gets so bad I physically hurt, and worse I blackout from it at times. I did years of therapy to get some control. Thanks for the video it has answered some of my questions about my childhood experiences.
I have to rely on others to tell me what I did when this happens. I'm getting better it's been about several years since it happened, but it still scares me. It's about the only thing that does scare me.@@pamelapalmer2832
Who ORIGINALLY hurt you? In my case = MY OWN DAD!!! Once I bravely named the correct TARGET for my bitter, blistering, murderous RAGE, the anger work paid off & I stopped hurting innocent others with my unresolved anger!
emotional neglect means you NEVER LEARN prosocial ways of coping. It is crippling because you never learn basic right brain to right brain communication. You never learn that regulation is a thing. You are just alone, reacting. Cry it out that never ends
My husband goes from 0 to 100 in an instant, from our kids being kids to me asking him for help. He storms around the house, slamming doors and screaming, then shuts himself in the basement. Moments later, it’s as if he never had a meltdown. And if I bring it up, to help him reflect, the episode just starts all over. He won’t go to therapy, so his anger has killed our marriage. I know he’s very shame-based, and his anger stems from having emotional unavailable parents. He’s still hoping they’ll magically turn into available parents, so he neglects me and the kids and runs to them when they make a demand.
I'm going through this versus.. I'm the woman... And we're not married yet.. but I love him.. more than anything. Because he hasn't given up on me, he is genuinely so good to me. When, it feels like everyone has thrown me away or left me at some point in my life.. he has taken care of me and truly loved me.. my anger is .... Explosive.. and scary. I don't want to hurt him. But I ... I don't know it's genuinely so hard. I wish we had a group
My mom has BPD was severely physically+verbally abusive, I literally feel like I was raised by a sadistic child. This rage feels like the pits of hell are bottled up in your stomach and chest with nowhere to go except consume you… you may lose a lot of friends, relationships, and family by dealing with such uncontrollable rage. Take time and find healthy hobbies like gardening, pottery, painting, and especially journaling! These have all really helped me. I’m so sorry that anyone else has had to deal with this, I resonate with you on a deep profound level
Wow! I’ve ALWAYS carried A LOT of rage beneath the surface and I’ve always been deeply depressed. Blowing up at nothing was my normal for years and years and I felt like such a horrible person even if no one witnessed my meltdown. Thank you DR. for confirming what I suspected,- that the rage was residual from my childhood abuse and the gaslighting that followed. I’m better now thank god after realizing the abuse I suffered and going no contact, but it has taken 5 years of healing to get to a calm place of acceptance when things don’t go my way. Thank you for this video!
My extremely abusive mother caused me to experience such anger that from an early age I was firmly convinced that I would kill someone in a fit of rage. I ran away to the Marines at 17 and did 3 tours overseas. But I was still forced to work as a bar bouncer whenever I was stateside so I could hit people and not go to jail. Took until I was 33 before I could finally let go of that anger and actually live.
Yesterday, I felt rage about my childhood wounds. I felt deep sadness and sorry for myself. I don't know who to blame. How I grew up with emotional neglect influenced low self-esteem, low self-image, low social skills, and low emotional intimacy. My mother has generational trauma, and I know how she was raised is a reflection of how I was raised with a lack of love and nurturing, I don't want to blame and shame myself anymore, because that won't make things better, it will only make my self-image worse . I'm lonely going through my life's journey, trying to understand and make sense of everything, but it's overwhelming me. Since there was no one to guide me, I just hoped for it myself.
@magellan-made-maps. At first I always blamed myself, why did I feel different, why did I feel excluded, what was actually wrong in my life. But until I found out that I had trauma (age 28), I tried to find out about my trauma, read lots of books and TH-cam videos related to trauma, learned shadow work, learned tapping (EFT), learned mindfulness, go to a psychologist to validate my trauma, joining a healing space, journaling and more, and I still do now. After I found out that I had generational trauma from my parents, from my mother and father, I tried to understand how they were raised by their both parents and I understood how I was born and raised. I know how childhood imprints affect our future relationships. This is a hard pill to swallow. You try to correct your misalignment upbringing and try to fill the gaps in your void of nurturance. I try to feel compassionate and love myself more. But it would be better if you have the right support system and environment, not do it alone. I know this feels tricky and complicated. I'm still finding my way too, but I know healing is possible, although there's still a long way to go to get there. And I still learn too... *“Our wound maybe not be our fault but our healing is our responsibility”*
you are your own best friend even if you ca n not see it rn. u also guide yourself and honestly give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong. u got this and wow gd for you. for making it this far.
Re "I dont know who to blame." Well, who HURT you? In my case, my violent, abusive dad HURT ME...& sometimes mom hurt me, so I BLAME them for causing most if nor all of the anger & sorrow I've kept hidden inside for all these years. Now that therapy has helped me see the correct TARGET for my bottled up rage...dad & mom, I no longer punish & abuse innocent others in their place! This is NOT about blame (retaliation, punishment, revenge, hostility), it's about UNDERSTANDING & repairing the emotional damages, if possible. My parents were damaged by their parents who were damaged by their parents, etc, so WHO IS TO BLAME for this multi-generational pattern??? ...Adam & Eve? God?? 😢
@jimrich4192 I'm sorry for what happened to you. I know you are holding on and fighting this battle alone, trying to find relief. In that moment, as I slowly discovered the truth about my trauma, I knew my parents had a hand in the damage it caused, but I slowly tried to understand their position, slowly tried to overcome my worthlessness, toxic shame, and unlearning false core beliefs. The wound is still there, and I don't know the wound when it will dry up. Sometimes, I feel clueless and confused,, and stuck to find answer. I feel alone. But, I know its my responsibilities to heal and break the cycle from it, even its long road journey. 😭😭😭
I recently lost my best friend due to my anger issues, until recently I had no idea how bad it was getting, and how it was affecting those around me. I can't help but feel hatefulness and bitterness towards myself. I care deeply about them and feel horrible for how I behaved. Now there is nothing I can do to fix it, and after learning other things I don't think I could if I tried. I want to move on and become better and learn from this but the guilt, shame and confusion are so overwhelming.
I’m so sorry, been there too! Definitely journal about how you feel and remind yourself it’s not THEIR fault. One thing I’ve learned about people like us is we subconsciously try and make others pay for what was done to us
@noellealdea2563 That's because of what's called Transference. We aren't even talking to the person in front of us. We subconsciously see our parent figure who had similar behaviours & reacting to them for catharsis & resolving the childhood trauma. It feels relieving in the moment and we end up losing potential friendships/relationships
@@gksurabhi oh my god, I never knew this…. That’s really sad. My mom does this with me and I know why that’s why she’s so abusive, she wants revenge on me and my brothers for a pain she felt from her mom. Unfortunately I’ve seen this manifest in myself with my own friends…. I’m gonna have to look more into this so I can better understand myself
@@gksurabhi thank you for telling me this! I just looked this up and realized it’s definitely me to an extent. I also have PMDD which is a severe hormonal imbalance a week before your period and I noticed this transference becomes very evident during this time
Self compassion is a tough one. It took me a while to develop that but once I did, it became easier to be gentle with myself. It's okay to own your feelings of hatefulness or bitterness, especially if you were violated/abused as a child. Or experienced trauma even as an adult. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and then your desire to move forward and heal is already there. You are on the right track. Keep going. I have a self compassion meditation on my channel that might help. Kind regards, Neseret
I am 68 years old…I suffer from anxiety and depression. It took me a long time to figure out it was my mother. Looking back I think most of family her family where bipolar. She would be normal then angry in a matter of a seconds. Never held me, told me she even liked me, yelled at me for what I thought was nothing, would call me names, never helped me with my homework. On the other hand she would do all this for my brother. This is why I have anxiety and depression. I have learned over the years to have a routine surround myself with people who actually like me and love me. It was an uphill battle but it is possible. I never took any of this out on my brother. It was not his fault. To anyone that is suffering good luck on your journey just remember all things are possible.
I am glad you made a video that mentions the angry type of depression! Anger and sadness are actually interchangeable feelings. Anger can transform into sadness and sadness can be transformed into anger. One is a passive emotion the other one is reactive. I guess it depends on born personal characteristics too whether a neglected person will become an explosive angry adult or a withdrawing sad type.
@@christabelle__ it is true also! But one type is usually more dominant. For eg. in borderline personality disorder (BPD) the anger is prevalent. And when a person with BPD gets depressed, the feeling of anger is dominant. Anger in BPD is a general reaction for unexpected and unwanted events. They get angry when their expectations arw not met. And remain angry through an extended time.
I remember watching a video on another website. Where a kid jumped a student in class. Nobody intervened, and the victim just suddenly screamed. "I'm done. I hate this place." That's what gets to me the most.... When someone genuinely goes through abuse. And it's just dismissed as "anger issues." The kid who jumped him has anger issues. Not him. But if nobody believes the victim: That's how we have this connection of Irritability and PTSD. Especially if it was on a chronic basis. The whole saying of "Hate just creates more Hate."
I'm so angry I'm raging. I never let it out. I feel like I'm silently screaming in rage. I feel like I shut down everything so I don't let out my rage. Made to feel helpless all the time until I was helpless and all my choices made me more helpless. Now I'm healing and find myself recognizing I am just so pissed off I'm afraid to move in life
THANK YOU for providing & defining types of neglect!💯 ‘Neglect’ is used often but many times, people, especially ones who Need to Know the Definition due to actually experiencing it, rarely comes across the meaning. After years of suspecting I was but felt I didn’t meet the parameters, I bravely ask my therapist to define neglect & also ask did they think I was neglected. After receiving the answer, IT WAS A GAME CHANGER & now I am learning tools to overcome the adult manifestations of it in my life!💯
I'm bipolar and grew up in a family of 5 kids. My Mother suffered from depression and did not like to be held of to hold us. My father raised the boys as if we were his property. He didn't say he loved us and he never gave hugs. Lots and lots of anger. When I was working, I would have to put so much effort in preparing myself for negative comments. If someone caught me off guard, my anger would come out. My father just recently passed on at 92. I didn't go to funeral, because I wanted a new start with him on my terms. :) I pray for those of you who suffered as a child. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping so many with your videos. God Bless You.
Your amygdala holds grudges to protect you. So freaking true! 😂😂😂 ❤❤❤ It also causes physical health issues. Death cures the angry person, but since my seething angry, narcissistic mother died I have felt mostly rage. It is hard to manage rage and not let it splatter all over others like a toxic pewk fest. What I find helps me most is when I catch the toxic angry stew bubbling up in my gut, I've learned to sit down and take 5 minutes to explore what feelings about the current situation is making me angry, and what treatment in childhood does this feeling represent and recreate. That is where the rage gets triggered and released from, the past, not the present. Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, has been very helpful in facilitating this process for me. Good luck to all in being curious, exploring, and gaining a better understanding of ourselves.
I have been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and I don’t handle stress well at all.. I become angry at my husband out of all proportion , I hear myself threatening to kill myself and I’ve beaten myself up with my fists on my face many times over the years. My grief and anxiety causes me to want to hide myself away from life. I’m 59 and only now do I realize how deeply my childhood neglect runs still through me. My father was angry and absent and my mother had MS and was bedridden most of my childhood. I pray for peace.
This was my ex, who self-medicated with marijuana. Any time he tried to quit, his anger would be extreme. He punched his laptop screen when some relatively minor thing happened. I’m pretty sure he was abused in childhood but he never wanted to talk about it. 😢
I used to not feel anger at all, then after years of therapy, the anger and rage came back in full force. But after being abandoned, neglected, beat up, groomed at 13 and blackmailed into silence, it’s clear where that anger came from. But I’ve learned to pause and observe myself. To not judge myself for being angry, and act like a good friend to myself. From this, I’ve been able to break through blind rage and not take it out on things or those around me.
That was me. My mom neglected me and my sister. Left us at home alone while working two jobs from the time I was 8. I learned to cook then too. My sister became sneaky. Throwing stuff like her food under my bed. Double whammy when Mom found it. Stop lying Deana. And my sister laughing behind my mother's back. I didn't realize I left me with broken relationships. When I had best friends at school and they made another friend, I backed out of the friendships covertly. My romantic relationships were disasters from go. I didn't realize it was me til I was in my fifties. I didn't know what reactivity meant. I still don't know why my bosses end up hating me. But I am working on me now
Same here. My mom would often tell us we were her “curses” so I’ve been waking around the world thinking I’m a shit person. Thankful for these videos and everyone’s honesty in the comments.
This video came out at the right time. I do get rage'd out whenever I get out of work. I just moderately scream in my car while heading back home. Since I work the night shift there is not much cars around, so no one sees me or hears me haha
This was my dad, unfortunately. It was pretty scary being a small child with a very angry and strong man to talk down. But I guess it turned me into a flawless diplomat, interpersonally speaking.
I have suffered emotional neglect as a kid, till I was in my 20's. In relationships, I always seek an epic emotional response, too much happiness, too much anger. These are signs of a toxic relationship, and I am often, the perpetrator. But I always feel like a victim whenever I am cooking up these storms. This technique, of observing situations from the outside has really helped me. I mean, I still sometimes slip and show extreme anger, but I do not feel like the victim anymore. So, that's progress.
I like this editing! I’m as bad as some of the examples here, but I can admit that I have a few triggers that get me to explode in a rage. I’m better at controlling it than I was years ago
And here I thought I got my anger issues from my daddy.... I did, but he got his from his childhood trauma and I got mine from my childhood trauma and when you grow up with childhood trauma as well as seeing and experiencing this behavior you are predestined to have it... Glad I began to recognize that flipping out over my kids spilling milk or other minor inconveniences (pretty much anytime I have to actually get up and do something...) was not ok! I still have outbursts, but I make sure I don't do them in front of my kids anymore.... And I try to learn from each outburst to see where I can make this situation less angry for me...
I completely understand where you are coming from, I had similar experiences with the family lineage of trauma causing trauma.. I am very sorry that you had to go through that at all, however by deciding that the buck stops with you and not passing the trauma to your kids is so wonderful. I know first hand how hard it is to break the compulsion of anger and flying off the handle. It took me a lot of soul searching and therapy to break the cycle of anger and I am so happy that I did. My blood pressure has even improved 😅 Best of luck to you and your family 😊❤
What kind of abuse is it when parents let their children’s teeth rot? Ignore eyesight issues? You’re correct. Medical neglect can be just as severe as emotional or physical abuse. Combine all three and you are raising a human with many issues later into adulthood.
As someone who suffered from abuse rather than neglect, I always thought the neglect people had it easier as adults. They really seem to crave relationships and intimacy with people, as they were starved of that as kids. On the other hand, I'm more of a lone wolf who distrusts people and shies away from intimacy and relationships. I've gotten a lot better, to the point I now have a moderately large circle of friends, but it took a while after getting away from my family of origin to get there. I still don't see myself being in another romantic relationship and now even identify as asexual/aromantic.
that’s sounds about right what your on to is something great. as i always say let’s stand for something greater than ourselves. me too i have decided to get away from romance and just be me just be in my skin and start loving myself from within. and how can we loose by giving ourselves the time we actually needed. anyways best of luck to you.
I agree, abuse is a horrible thing. I was only neglected, never seriously abused. Craving intimacy is such a painful experience though. I feel always on edge, worrying someone will leave
Thanks for this video. I can’t decide if it resonates. My dad blew up all the time when I was growing up. He would yell and scream to the point even the neighbors could hear. Then he would lie down on his side on his bed and call me and/or my brother into the room and lecture us for long periods of time. Eventually my legs wound buckle and I’d kneel. I was not neglected in any of the ways you described at the start of this video. My parents loved me and made sure I knew this, and they took care of all my needs. I’m not sure how to classify my upbringing. I don’t think I was abused but I don’t think I was socialized well. I recognize that I don’t process frustration or disappointment normally. Sometimes I get very angry like you described, but not all the time like my father and less as I’ve gotten older. My social skills are not normal so I’m careful with trusting friendships. My colleagues often subtly bully me and I handle it badly. I never got married or had children. As I’ve grown older I care less and less for being around people. Im not socially isolated but I honestly wouldn’t mind anymore if I stopped socializing. It’s more peaceful on my own.
That behavior of your father's is still abusive, whether or not it is considered 'neglect'. I'm sorry, I dealt with much the same, and worse - and I've grown to be very insular and don't mind being so cut off from society, most days...which I can recognize is abnormal? Even if I don't *feel* like it is.
I have depression, but for the vast majority of my life anger has been the only emotion thats been consistent. Frustration and white-hot rage are my constant companions and its only been a recent breakthrough that those emotions come from grieving what I never got. Emotional neglect, threats of violence, and telling someone that there is no place in the world thats safe for them to break down even with their own family will really fuck a kid up. Who knew!
I felt this so deeply. Anger and frustration are my constant companions too. I'm tired of it because I want to feel something else, ANYTHING else than this tempest that is constantly swirling inside my chest. Totally understand where you're coming from and I hope you are doing better.
I’ve meditated for hours doing deep breathing in lotus, advanced yoga, written in journals, talked about it, ran miles a day, I’ve done deep dives into psychology, prayed, done deep dives into spirituality, everything. It doesn’t help my intense rage from being abandoned, neglected, and molested. This is rage so intense that I punch myself in the face and pull my own hair out while writhing around on the ground screaming like a banshee. I’ve never seen anyone get as angry as me, ever. None of these videos even compare. What is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do.
My depression is coming from my anxiety. I think all the trauma in my life and then a bad second marriage and severe money problems caused me to cross the edge. Interesting to me is that during my first marriage, which was a good marriage but I developed anger issues . My therapist and my ex wife’s said it was probably from depression! I guess they are and were right ! I finally broke at 58. Now I am in an awful place. I know that if I could cover my bills I would get better. However, even my therapist says that I had some childhood trauma from issues that took place in my family when I was a kid. My parents were very focused on my sickly sister. However, I did have a good childhood , I just feel there was something missing. I know I ruined my first marriage. My second marriage was to a narcissistic abuser and I broke.
This is a very insightful video! Talking about it does helps immensely - my parents seemed simultaneously loveing and uncaring when I grew up, but when I started talking to them about it, I realized they were working through their own traumas, and regret they couldn't help me more. Once that understanding was established, I felt strangely relieved and that has strengthened our bond.
I' ve never talked to my parents about that. I wonder if they realise how contradictory info I was getting from them, when at one point they are so loving and are ready to "except you as I you are" and at another time, when I do a mistake (without realising it), they are like beyond themselves "how can you be so stupid". I wish I could laugh about it, but I am sad.
@@candleofmylife I know I still occasionally struggle with it, but understanding that not only did our parents have traumas, but they also came from a generation(s) where mental health conditions were stigmatized or otherwise ignored is part of road leading to acceptance. It will require a lot of effort to break a cycle that may be potentially generations deep. You cannot change what happened in the past, but understanding and acceptance of what happened is part of healing.
Simultaneously loving and uncaring describes my experience so well too. She was loving, but only if she was seeking love herself. I don't think she realized all her actions were driven by her own desires, and she didn't love me just to love me. Some days she was friendly, but most she's on hair trigger. My mom definitely had her own issues growing up too though
I understand everything you've said and explained, but it is still using a water pistol on a house fire. There needs to be something that blankets the fire immediately. Breathing DOES NOT do that.
One of the extreme difficult pitfalls of neglect is that you may feel confused why there would have been "trauma" in your childhood, you might struggle to remember anything "bad" happening or even feel like an imposter. But after all, this is not about things that did happen, but about things that did NOT happen (e.g. like the missing emotional support mentioned in the video). Btw. 4:29, one of the things triggering extreme anger for me can be a feeling of helplessness, sometimes combined with perceived injustice. This can range from real injustice like e.g. bullying down to the feeling of helplessness when you need to get something done on your computer but it "preventing you" from completing the task by crashing. Anyone else?
Ooh, there's a lot packed in this video. We each have the ability to nurture, comfort, and begin to heal our wounded child. Recognize that feelings are temporary, and breathe through both difficult and wonderful experiences. I felt this was affirming my growth and rehabilitation. Thank you
Good God, I won all the spots on the childhood neglect bingo card!! I finally got into therapy due to being physically tired of being angry about 5 yrs ago. It did NOT help that every nursing job situation I had from 2007 until 2021 repeated the same gaslighting and neglect from persons in power. From the household, to the workplace, to self-advocating for chronic illness; I didn't have much of a chance to break out of automatic trauma responses for just about all my life. I didn't end up in a safer in occupational and personal healthcare power differential situations, to stop reinforcing the same learned trauma responses, until 2020. It's a good reminder, writing this out, as to why we're still on a weekly therapy appointment schedule ...
Thank God I never had children! They would have been traumatized by my rage. Watching the video of men destroying their computers (2 different people) was SO SATISFYING! How many times have I felt like and WANTED to do that? No. I've never DONE that, but I have WANTED to. I have had such deep rage and no one in my family understands why. I've been told my whole life that I over-react. I simply feel as if everyone else UNDER-reacts, or swallows their feelings ... or they get cancer and die. I don't know why I'm this way. My mother was the epitome of caring; she ALWAYS picked us up when we cried... she LISTENED to us AND she absolutely LET ME have my feelings AND she validated them. (Not the rage, but the feelings themselves). So... my rage must have come from... ? I don't know. My father left before I was born. SO, perhaps ....? However, I met him later (@18 months), we had a good relationship (he was kind and loving and funny... and also bi-polar. But he was very careful around me, he KNEW he had problems and was careful not to project onto me). If someone suggested I journal (or "Breathe!!") when I was having a fit, I would HATE them. I would want them to die. If you are in extreme stress/anger and someone suggests you do something that is the opposite of what you're doing/FEELING, it's tantamount to being told "Don't feel the way you feel." What DOES help, is to NOT be invalidated.
It's weird--despite my being a quiet, shy, timid and passive woman around others, when I'm alone, especially when exercising or meditating or doing chores, I get this rage and crushing angry sadness out of nowhere. Afaik I had a safe and happy enough early life, so idk where it's coming from. I was operated on as a newborn, so maybe something scary happened then? And I lived with an aunt & uncle as well as my parents, and they were good to me iirc, but again maybe I've blocked something out? It's terrifying to think that this anger could have a root I don't even remember or know about...
@@kamikeserpentail3778 hey, thanks for asking, hope you're doing good today. As to your question--honestly not that great, matters certainly could be much improved. However, my personal circumstances could in no way be called traumatic or harrowing, and part of the reason I'm as trapped and underachieving as I am is because of this mysterious anger I've been carrying and internalising since I was a kid/preteen. So again, there's no obvious answer to any of this, causing me to feel guilt about how inert and stressed I am. Vicious cycle, right? Idk if you can relate, it's weird.
When you say you're quiet, shy, timid, and passive around others -- do you feel that this is the real you? And one other question: growing up, was there an adult you could talk to when you were scared, sad, angry, or when something was worrying or bothering you? Do you recall ever doing that?
@@Meowch3 hey, thanks for the follow-up and the interest, it means a lot to share even with a stranger. Happy holidays to you and hope all is well🌟 To answer succintly: I have no idea who the 'real me' is, probably in part because I've been masking socially for 3/4 of my life at least, in order to avoid interpersonal conflicts (even low stakes one) that make me terrified and agitated. It's always been my instinct to give way to other people or let them go ahead of me and walk over me. Even when I sit alone with myself or try to meditate, I feel that I lack a 'centre' to return to. Also, it doesn't help that I went to a high-pressure academic school and was teased/excluded by other smarter/richer students, so again since I was around 10 years old I've been hiding who I was and shrugging people & opportunities off to save myself from scrutiny. E.g. I never had a romantic relationship, and the only friends I ever had were other misfits such as myself who had no one else to protect them socially (so we were only 'friends' situationally and as a last resort, I never saw them again after grad). As to a trusted adult, my first reaction was to say my Mom, as now I'm an adult too, we have a good fairly open honest trusting rapport, but it took me having two nervous breakdowns (at 19 and 23) for her to let go of her false image of me and start encouraging me to open up. Before that, I was very much not talking to any adult about my overwhelming personal fears, except maybe my driving instructor who ended up being a kind of mentor (but one I had to pay and only saw briefly once a week). My Mom says that when I was a teen and College kid she had no idea how to handle me emotionally and thought I was unreachable or a misanthrope. So it's a pretty sad story, hope it doesn't depress you too much! Sometimes I think about trying therapy again, though I can't afford it tbh (I can only work time as I have a chronic neuro condition and ASD sensitivities), and my first few attempts in College were a disaster. My sister (probably my only real friend) has also offered to try G0lden Teachers with me to see if we can crack open my 3rd eye and shift the paradigm...might be worth a shot.
@@pendafen7405 From what you wrote, I postulate that the rage you feel might be the unprocessed anger of essentially being abandoned from a young age. Here’s why: you’ve been hiding who you were since you were 10 years old. There is something very wrong with that picture. If you were to hear of a 10 year old like this from someone else, what would be the first thing on your mind? Is it not: where in the world are this girl’s parents? Why aren’t they helping her? Why is she suffering alone and keeping everything to herself? Why is she not divulging her sadness and worries to the people who are supposed to be taking care of her? You were left to commiserate with misfits who similarly had no guidance (aka good adults) in their life because there was no adult that was holding on to you. No 10 year old ever puts themselves into this position; they are forced into it. It’s supposed to work like this: a child attaches to at least one competent adult, who then assumes the alpha role in the relationship and provides complete physical and emotional security so that the child can relax and venture out to explore the world. The adult is never a passive presence, but instead is proactive in giving this sense of security and treats the child with unconditional positive regard -- love with no conditions of worth attached. When it gets to be too much, and it will, the child returns to the adult as their home base and lavishly receives the comfort and security they need. Recharged, they venture out again. Repeat for years and years until the child becomes an independent, mature, self-regulating adult like her caregiver. Here's the catch: a child will only return to home base if it is a safe place, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It sounds like you had no home base to return to. You were alone. Your mother no doubt did the best she could, but her best just wasn't good enough if she had no idea how to handle you emotionally. That's literally a parent's job -- to handle and guide their child emotionally, not just provide food, clothing, and shelter. It's no wonder you became "unreachable." That did not manifest out of nowhere. From way before you were 10, I believe your caregivers were unreachable, too. It doesn't mean they didn't love you, most certainly they did, but it does mean they didn't connect with you the way they should have, maybe because they had their own unresolved issues or traumas. So why did you keep everything to yourself? Why did you not tell your parents what was going on? I can only tell you one thing for sure: you did not feel safe enough to do so. You felt the futility of it and gave up. If you felt the need to hide yourself, it’s because you did not feel accepted for who you were by the adults who were responsible for you. You were either rejected, or just flat out unseen. It is a parent's responsibility to take the initiative in the parent-child relationship, not the child's. The child should not have to work at the relationship -- they are in the dependent role. The parent doesn't get to sit back and watch the show. They are the adult and the one in charge. They're supposed to help the child, not throw their hands up in the air and give up. If you pushed them away, it was their job to pull you in harder. None of this looks traumatic on the outside because there is no one horrible event you can point to. This is more what you'd call "small T trauma." On paper the family looks picture perfect. No abuse, loving parents. But it's not just about what happened, but what did not happen. This is neglect. Specifically, I believe in your case, emotional neglect. Your parents were not there for you emotionally when you needed them. The reason you can't remember it is because it is not a negative event etched into your mind, but the absence of a good thing, which doesn't feel like anything bad, but inevitably leads to the horrible aloneness you've described. The instinct to give way to other people and let them walk all over you is a learned behavior from childhood. It is not anyone's personality to be a doormat, but a coping mechanism. Given that our relationship with our parents serves as the blueprint for how the rest of our relationships in life play out, I suspect that you learned early on to unconsciously suppress yourself to keep your parents happy. They could not handle you, and you felt it. This is an extremely traumatic thing for a child to experience -- that her own parents, who are basically god in her eyes, can't handle her. If she concedes that her parents are incompetent, she is doomed. There is nothing she can do then. How will she survive? This prospect is so frightening, that she concludes that SHE must be the problem. Then she can at least still do something to save herself. She adapts by closing herself off. She suppresses her anger, her sadness, and keeps her worries and fears inside. This at least gives the illusion of peace and she is no longer a cause of "trouble" in the family. This is the classic dilemma of attachment vs. authenticity. A child will unconsciously always prioritize the attachment relationship with the caregiver in order to survive, no matter how deep the cost to the self is. It helps the child survive childhood, but leaves a broken shell of an adult who has deep anger buried within and no sense of who she really is. She is afraid to rock the boat and prioritizes attachment over authenticity in her relationships by suppressing herself, just as she did with her parents. A healthy relationship is one where both of you can be yourselves with one another. You respect one another's boundaries and can enjoy each other's love and company without sacrificing your authenticity. Of course, to be authentic, you have to know who you are to begin with. This process of self-discovery is what childhood is literally all about -- going from a completely dependent human being to an independent one who is strongly grounded in herself so that she can merge and connect with others without losing a sense of who she is. She can enjoy love and connection with others while still being her own person. She is supposed to learn this from her relationship with her caregivers, and it is on them alone to make sure this gets done. It is impossible for anyone, let alone a child, to learn it on their own. ...Does any of that resonate? Sorry if it was a bit direct or harsh. I know parents are (sometimes) deserving of compassion and don't mean to mess their children up, but I believe we have to hold them accountable in our heart in order to move on so that we can rid ourselves of the unjustified self-blame we trauma-survivors are apt to swim in. It's on us to fix our issues now as adults, but our parents' failures are not our fault. Just some food for thought. I've had my own rage issues in the past and realizing all this is what helped me resolve it, but of course only you can know if this describes you. I hope it helped you gleam a hint or two at least as to what might be wrong. I know therapy is terribly expensive, I could not afford it either. There are some good books I can point to if you're interested in learning more. Wishing you the best and happy holidays to you as well! ;)
Ask yourself whether you are actually angry or feeling incredibly hurt and vulnerable and sad and powerless to fix it. You can get so angry for instance about someone mistreating you but the real problem is how bad it made you feel. Anger might be a good response to protect yourself but it also means it really got to you. Hit you where it hurts and touched a sore spot. If you can sit with those painful feelings for a few minutes it shifts something in your brain. The sudden, impromptu chaos and flood of anger can be energizing. But i find myself seething hours, days, years later. Asking myself if i am feeling hurt and scared of being hurt again brings me closer to the root of what is going on.
I can get angry when it's that time of the month my emotions are awful. I am terrible crying to anger to depression. I have got angry in work situations and when people talk to me, and I snap at them. I have walked out of jobs and handed my notice in I was so angry. I think I had emotional neglect as I suffer with social anxiety, depression. My dad is emotionally unavailable person, insensitive, stern, angry and old skool and my mum is codependency issues, severe anxiety and insecurity body image stuff. I am seeing a therapist and having interpersonal therapy I am not sure tis working to be honest. If I wasn't on medication, I think I would be exploding every month PMDD.
This really struck a chord with me, particularly emotional and support from my care givers. Thankfully I healed, but I'm seeing older family members with unhealed wounds.. It's a really bad situation to be in..
Great video, I am Still in therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life. It's good to hear some things that kind of explain the pain. I'm just sad that my life is full of rage and resentment^2 and I have been weak to not take it out on my partners 😢 I feel like I could have been normal(in an alternate timeline), but I'm basically a monster. regrets serve to remind me that my impulse is often the way to shame . I still struggle with that and guilt/shame for things I've said and done. Good luck to all who hate themselves like I did. We don't necessarily deserve the forgiveness of those we have hurt but if we continue to hate ourselves we will ultimately self destruct and cause more harm.
Wow! That was an awesome video to watch, Dr. Tracey! The biggest source of violence in our world is not war, it is domestic violence. But I think for many people, even mental health professionals it is often difficult to associate anger with childhood trauma. Often we think of anger, even in children and youth, as a symptoms of behavioral problems, more so than a symptom of trauma. But it makes perfect sense. I've struggled with emotional regulation, specifically anger for a greater part of my life. I come from a line of "generation of angry, depressed, and traumatized people." I've made a video on my channel about intergenerational trauma. This is not to say we've also developed a lot of strength and resiliency despite it. But it leaves its' mark and very challenging to overcome and to break the cycle. Although, it is possible. My grand mother was in an arranged marriage by the time she was 14 years old and shortly after she had children. My mother was a victim of abuse of every kind and struggled to break the cycle. She had six children and was a single mother in a war-torn country. She was abusive physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually while we were growing up. My daughter and I have an improved relationship but I still have struggled with anger throughout my life. It has gotten better with inner work, mindfulness, supportive relationship, and a very meaningful work I consider my spiritual practice. I love that you were just spot on, not just with the problem but also the solution. I admire your work. Thank you for what you do. You inspire me. Warm regards, Neseret
It happened to me on 2019... I was frustrated with anger, and couldn´t put what I felt on words... so I used to smash my head with the wall. I healed with Escitalopram and Risperidone on super low doses, and with pandemic time I went outside, no matter what...I was better than anyone, so ASK FOR HELP! (Im psychology, but is not enough!)
how about a father that didnt want you and an over protective mother while also being a latch key kid with undiagnosed autism and adhd? I have had horrible bouts of both depression and anger and rage outbursts.
Worst outbursts were when I actually lashed out and injured myself in the process. Kicked something and ended up busting the toenail off my big toe that never grew back right, or the time I kicked my car door and did the same thing to the other foot. Punched so many holes in walls that I think I have a bone chip in my hand that every so often causes me pain to this day.
I’ll be watching this one and staring my work book thanks doctor I’m not healed but I’m starting to understand a bit more these days 🌸 love and light yall
This makes total sense why I'm such a trigger happy rage monster. I often think about the heavy neglect I dealt with as a kid. I never had any support for anything as a kid, I was told I was the problem and why I couldn't just be normal. I was constantly punished for everything, including eating too much food. I've been able to recognize my anger issues for decades, but it never seems to get any better. Abandonment issues are my biggest issue, which is likely why I can't stay in one job or city or state for very long.
I feel so fake for pretending I'm alright with everyone, while (in reality) I feel like I'm imploding...I never allow anyone to see me meltdown or lose the appearance of emotional stability...I shut down and avoid with moderate pushback or questioning...I don't know how to actually divulge some of the f'd-up crap of my life... and if another mfn therapist breaks down to where I'm passing out their own damn tissues, I'm going to lose my mind (finally)! [Y'all's comment section is my journaling exercise... sorry]
You need a tough, trauma "informed" (meaning they've been through hell and have enough recovery) therapist and that's rare to find. I wonder if microdose psychedelics would help you. Microdose Ketamine helped me so much! 💜
I have an interesting question. Imagine you're at the cubicle job, and you see the guy slamming the monitor with his keyboard in a frenzied state of extreme anger. What if you walked right up to him and just basically encouraged him? Egged him on? "Yeah!! You show that monitor! Don't take any s***!!" Is this advisable? It seems like it could quickly diffuse the situation. Then buy the guy a beer and let him vent because we've all been there.
50 year old female dealing with anger triggered by peri-menopause hormones but I've always had anger issues. I actually took an online anger management class because I was so worried about it. It helped but didn't explain why I have such issues. I endured a lot of childhood emotional abuse and neglect, plus intense guilt over witnessing my younger brother getting abused and not being able to protect him. Thank you for this video.
Hey Dr. Marks, I want to start by saying I genuinely appreciate all the work that you do. Learning more about mental health, even the things that might not apply to me, is always such an enriching thing to both understand myself and those around me. I always try to make time to keep up with your uploads. I did want to take a second to mention though, that lately it seems as though the recordings of your voice in the video have gone down a bit in quality. I'm not sure if this is a side effect of a change in recording equipment or the video production process, but I notice a kind of graininess in the background of the recording of your voice - as if you're very slightly hoarse - that has become rather distracting to listen to in an otherwise very well produced and easy to digest video. This seems to be unique to your videos and only something I've noticed in the past few months, as it's present when watching both on my laptop and my phone, and it's not something I pick up in any other videos. I hope this helps, and can be rectified in some way. Either way, keep up the great work.
What if the person doesn’t remember a specific incident/trauma but has this anger? I noticed some computers getting trashed-100% me. Tech puts me over the edge so quickly.
When my depression gets bad, I distract myself. I have a fairly fit body and when I get angry, I shut myself down because I am not in any sports that require my angry strength. I just distract myself and I annoy myself because I have a LOT of dreams that I just glance at and don't work for. Depression is funny XD. I just watch what I myself go through.
The 4th method on breath work is huge for my own healing process, and why we need to take better care of our own lungs. This even gave me a healthy outlet for my anger as vitality and arousal in situations that demand it like powerlifting, wherein breath work and bracing help me to further grounding myself.
NEGLECT as a big factor in the creation of rage....Amygdala function........;;; BUT, what about the developemental changes in the brain due to childhood trauma and neglect - prefrontal cortex lack of developement.....?
I can't say this description of depression and rage matches my experience. I don't recall neglect as far as I can tell. But I practically can't function sometimes without being angry, too exhausted to move without rage as fuel.
A child has only their personal experience to go by and no point of reference for what is normal, so they won't be able to recognize neglect when it happens. That may (or may not) be why you can't recall it...Another is that you may have coped with neglect by dissociating. You weren't "there" to begin with, so you can't remember it happening. Just some ideas...wishing you the best.
I have ADHD, and emotional dysregulation is a large part of it 0 I always thought my sudden, intense bouts of anger were rooted in that! But it could be a combination of these things for me...and yours could be rooted in something else, too.
I have fits of anger that attacked often and like PTSD made me feel as if I am in the neglectful. I recently had to call one of the family members who caused the trauma and telling them that I forgive them. It was a very healing and freedom from the anger that does not happen as it has in the past.
Do we have to resolve childhood trauma? I think I went through some but I'm pretty good at blocking it out. I've been diagnosed with many things, BPD, Bipolar Disorder with medication resistance depression, Anxiety disorder, etc. I've never enjoyed being alive and feel like I never will (I'm now 52). I feel like dishing up that trauma would be even worse for me.
This is me. Bullied for much of my childhood, and I responded when I got older by putting up defensive walls. I have trouble letting people into my life. I don't trust people and I am not a happy person. People wonder why I "am so angry." They don't get it. I am not angry. I am traumatized.
I do all of the things suggested except the support thing. I've sought it, but everyone just ends up joining the "everything you say is just BS and whining and all you want is sympathy and attention," club. Nevermind the fact that nothing in the rest of my behavior suggests these notions, and of course, I have learned better than to try to prove my assertions with research or professional opinions, because apparently no one can actually handle the idea that my experience of reality is really that messed up. It's all just me being a problem for other people, people who are able to be happy and not require all this education and effort to achieve health, and I should just shut up and figure out how to be normal so I'm not a burden on everyone else. Honestly, I can do pretty well without anyone, but the communal effort to force me to just seem normal and act like nothing's wrong, really defeats the efforts I make when using most of the methods you suggest here. How in the world do I get family, coworkers, etc. to leave me the hell alone so that I can actually benefit from the various types of therapeutic and coping oriented management techniques that I've used so successfully for most of my adult life? Like what the hell does one do when surrounded by people who think that THEY must fix you while simultaneously being either ignorant of most/all of the psychological learning you have gained over thears, or flat out believing that psychological medicine is wholesale BS? If the answer is "get the hell away from these toxic ass people and their repressive, out of date culture," then I already know that and have been trying for years. Maintaining base levels of functionality is just really difficult under these circumstances and actually making any progress is next to impossible. I kind of feel like I'm going to be dead before I actually make it out of this hellhole. But any advice is appreciated; God knows I can use any trick or advantage that I can possibly scrounge up.
Yep, that's me. 1000% all of my issues stem from childhood trauma: sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse, just a big bag of mess... Just now at 42 doing something about it.
Diet is an issue too. I had anger management problems as a teenager and it was due to being on a low fat high carb diet. Here I was eight years old when it started after the doctor told my mom to cut the fats in my diet. He was also giving me some kind of shots ( maybe vaccines but these were in the butt cheek) that made me go temporarily paralyzed. Anyway, because of the fats being cut in children's diets this is why we see so many kids becoming violent despite being disciplined. Those fats get replaced by carbs that dont nourish the brain and just turn into sugar and gluten and cause brain and gut issues. Here I got spanked but still had anger issues.
This makes so much sense to me. I was emotionally neglected and educationally neglected. I think it led to me being an addict and feeling broken and alone.
I suffer from this and i know it come from somewhere in my childhood but i can't figure out what it is..Your channel is verry helpful for me , thanks Doctor ! Edi (Switzerland)
My mother not being nurturing and not protecting me from my terrorist father was negligence. I am so affected by my childhood that I wish I was never born.
Child hood trauma can also cause a severely critical inner voice. If you do not have an awareness of this internalization of your abusers voice, you may point at others as the reason for your anger. But actually your anger is fueled by this inner critic who goes unchallenged in accusing yourself and others of all manner of wrongs.
Hi Dr. Tracy, I was emotionally abused by my mom so I agree with what you said! Fortunately, my dad gave my sisters and I love and care! However, it took me many years to handle my anger problem. It took me years of therapy and self-help books to realize what I needed to do to control my anger problem. I'm 66 years old now and I finally feel at peace!
i am so sad to see that we cannot even get information such as this without embedded tv clips to distract the brain. as an adult, i cannot tolerate such childishess. the generations behind me still need to be treated like children. it's quite sad, coming from a doctor. were you proud when you had to embed a clip from the office or did it sting your soul just a little.
I like the animations of the titles. They have a frame rate that makes it smooth and satisfying to look at and that grabs my attention. I appreciate that kinda stuff, even though it’s not related to the theme of the video. It makes the video look very professional. I hope for the best for this channel. It should reach as many people as possible. Also it’s great to know that ACT can help me with this. I will discuss it with my therapist and look into it.
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It was so healing for me to see that there is a difference between someone who uses anger to manipulate and control, and someone who experiences it because of childhood trauma. I thought for most of my life that I was the former, and a monster, but I am definitely the latter, a broken person who doesn’t know how to regulate themselves. I’m gonna do what I can to heal and get this under control.
Same here
I can absolutely relate to this! Same.
Same here ❤ May we heal.
Same
Same and my wife left today sadly
Does it piss anyone else off that the things that are done to you as a child become your problem as an adult? "Hey, we neglected and abused you, so fix it or you're out."
Hell yeah! It's a huge burden of responsibility to break generational trauma.
I have over 30yrs of recovery and I'm still working on it. I have estranged myself from abusers long ago though.
Yeah exactly. :(. 😢
Better than repeating the cycle of doom and destruction, “Sins of the Fathers”.
You have free will, we didn’t choose as children the program but now we can discern, and pick what’s best for us.
You shall know the truth and it shall set you free.
Yeah.......
My precious Daddy was a victim of this type of neglect. He often reacted with rage in some circumstances. It was hard for me to forgive his mama my granny. No doubt she grew up in an abusive home void of understanding and love. This was back in the early part of the twentieth century when most people didn't have the knowledge that they have regarding the family unit. He never got counseling that I know of. In spite of all that he became a successful preacher and school teacher. He had a lot of compassion for people because of what he suffered. He would have been a happier person had he addressed what went on in his family.
Hygiene neglect can make a child a target for some of the most severe modalities of bullying
Social trauma is almost guaranteed to follow it
I understand 100%. Im a clean freak whit my body & clothing now. I when thru so much trauma but to be neglected to the point where we neglect our own self has a child and Young teenager is horrible. When a child is hygiène neglected he almost 100% is going thru a lot of other form of neglecting & abuse. Stay strong & stand strong.
Definitely agree 👍🏿
Yes, I actually heard of a story of a boy who was bullied do to his parents neglecting his hygiene it’s very sad and heartbreaking :(
Glad you are validating depression and anger. I was never allowed to be angry as a child and if I expressed anger, I was punished. I'm ashamed to admit to episodes of rage towards electronics. It's expensive. I destroyed a personal laptop beyond repair and had to buy a new one. Although I've wanted to throw my laptop many times at work out of unrelieved frustration, I signed a form acknowledging that the laptop is the property of my employer and I am responsible to pay to replace it. That and the embarrassment. So I walk away, go splash cold water in my face, eat a snack (being hangry is a trigger), or go for a walk. My new therapist is doing EMDR and IFS, aka parts therapy, with me. I'm learning to give myself permission to feel angry and identify what need is not being met. Making progress.
You are doing an amazing work on this. I hope you give yourself credit for your acute self awareness, practice of self restraint, and leading to self mastery. You're trying really hard and it is paying off. That's all that can be asked of a human being. So glad you're getting the support you need. Keep going, keep practicing. It gets easier with time. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
@eveywrens I’m right there next to you regarding electronics & rage. It’s another take on “Rage Against the Machine.”
@@tracy3812 I work Quality Assurance for software. Performance and functional testing.
Rage against the machines is part of life, and often .. justified. 😇
@@steyraug96 your comment has made me so happy!
I think feeling anger can be a part of the healing journey as we move through depression - those of us who learned to suppress emotions initially get depressed, but when we start the process of healing the anger can start to come up. Then we have to learn the tools to deal with it....sounds like you are!
The coolest thing just happened to me while listening to the video. Context: I was at my mom's house. She was nitpicking at me again. I was so fed up with it. I thought to myself " just breathe like you do to go to sleep at night. Big breath in 1,2,3,4,5. breathe out slowly. Keep breathing til you are calm. Wait for it it will come. Sure enough. Did not speak nasty back to my mom. She is 79. I am 61. I felt so in control at that moment. And each time I did this, cause she nit picks all the time. And you spoke about doing just this. I am so proud I thought of it. Used it and got it right. Thank you for this video. I needed to see I did the correct thing.
wow ur moms that old and still doing the same thing all your lives. ur mom sounds like she needs more healing than anyone else it seems like that generation are so much more harsh. use tough love and never joke around
Oh damn, so she was a teen mom
To this day I dont have a memory of my parents giving me emotional support, i do remember my mom always telling me i was cold and non loving. I suspect i got it from them…. Hard to change at 32 years old but i am trying for my daughter.
In my experience most ppl don’t start to self-reflect and heal until they’re in their 30s and are emotionally mature enough to be honest with themselves. (I’m in my 70s.) You can do this! Just be as patient with yourself as you want to be with your children. You got this!!
What your mom said to you was a reflection on her and you should not have been treated that way as a child. You were amazing, lovable, and you were born perfect. Your parents made you think you weren’t. As an adult, you can do better and the fact that you even clicked on this video says a lot already. Would your mom have clicked on this video? I think we know that answer. 🤗
I’m also 32 and learning about this now! You’re not alone. We’ve got this!
Psalm 103:8
“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”
Most of us were not raised right by our earthly parents. However, God our Father in heaven, can do more for you & loves you more that our earthy parents ever could. Come home, he loves you & is waiting for you with open arms.
@@pastortroy777The road to hell is paved by the best of intentions.
My mom killed herself when I was 7 and I was raised by my abusive father who has narcissistic personality disorder and was a Vietnam vet and drill sergeant in the Army. Also we lived out in the country, so I had no friends and was completely isolated. I've lost a few jobs because I couldn't control my rage after awhile and would be like the incredible Hulk on PCP. It took me over 30 years to get control of my emotions and relax after I went no contact with my dad because he's still a complete asshole. It's just a miracle I didn't turn into a serial killer considering my childhood lol.
Glad you made it out of there ❤
same except it was my narc sister and enabling mother haha. The army tends to attract people like those, I should know because I almost joined at a time where I was kind of an ahole.
I did what you did and cut contact with my sister. Glad I did haha
I eventually realized he'll never change and won't even acknowledge the abuse much less apologize and the only option was to get away for the sake of my sanity. Apparently that's all you can do with narcissists. It just sucks when it's a family member because you naturally want them to be in your life, but some people are just toxic through and through. @@thatgui88
Mee too!!!
I had a vet father like that. He used threatened me with death weekly. I learn to run fast and stay out of his way mostly. He was usually toobusy getting drunk and watching football all weekend. I would stay outside from dawn to dusk usually until he passed out.
Wow, this...was actually eye opening. I thought most of my intense anger was rooted in my emotional dysregulation from undiagnosed ADHD - but this really nails it on the head. I always feel terrible, and cry, and apologize afterwards because...I hate it. I hate who I am when I hit that rage point. I was emotionally and physically abused AND I was starved as part of the punishment (and was almost never taken to a doctor...even when my grandmother, a school teacher, told them I had ADHD) - so even at 35, I'm still not okay about it all. Thank you, Doctor Marks, for helping me learn more about my own brain, and what's going on - and hopefully I can get into counseling soon, and bring these sorts of things up with a therapist. (Sadly, I'm finding that every depression medication I try makes me have nasty side-effects, so any other way I can find to help myself, I'll take it!) Having a pet really helped me - because there is no worse guilt than making an innocent feel fear at your own hands, and I NEVER want to do that. It's taught me to slow down and process things a lot more before I react out of that impulsive anger - because animals, like children, don't know any better. They're not doing things to spite you, they're the purest form of innocence, and when they're being a bother...they often just want some love and attention, and I can't fault them for that, as a once abused and neglected child.
I was emotionally neglected as a kid and my parents are my bosses so I've been having rage episodes for the last 2-3 days, Dr. Tracey Marks somehow always knows what video I need, seriously 😅😅
I would seek help immediately 💗💗💗 Ain't no way my parents could be my bosses
@@tmkc162 I'm seeking a way out, It was covid time when I agreed on a whim to work with them in the family business and now it's the biggest regret of my life. Everything that they do is so triggering and I live in a city that I hate and have no friends. I need the last straw to decide that I cannot sacrifice my life to accommodate theirs.
@@Beren_Yildirim You don't need a last straw, you are not happy. Look at something called the Personal Bill of Rights, that list might help you realise a little more, that YOU are in charge. You must live your life how you want to, and by your means. It is difficult i know i am there but don't leave it till the last moment. You got this!
You are your own person. You belong to no one, not even your parents. Even though your parents have a lot of influence on you and your childhood, once we are adults, we have to figure out a way to cope. And work to process the trauma so we can be free.
@@Beren_Yildirim damn right! I wish I could help! You are not the sacrifice! Sending love to you 💗💗💗💗
I think educational neglect can include a parent finding out the child tests well and is “smart,” so they put pressure on the child with their expectations but don’t do anything to help or teach them. I was a kid who was super solitary and quiet, but I did well in school and was put in special programs. But I have no memories of anyone teaching me how to study, how to do anything, really. I was left to figure things out for myself, which I guess gave me that skill, but when I didn’t understand something in school (like taking algebra over and over because certain things didn’t click), I wasn’t able to ask for help because I didn’t think I was ALLOWED to. When my therapist asked me how problems were handled in my family, like if I had a problem and went to my parents for help… I was like “wait…what? I don’t know what that means.” That was when I realized I had missed out on a LOT of parenting.
This sounds almost relatable maybe.
I expirenced educational neglect but the teachers I had growing up were part of the problem. They didn’t give emotional support to me and actually resulted in mistreatment. I learned that my struggles were problematic and that it was an inconvenience. This went on even to college with the same issue happening again. A lot of adults in education seem to hide behind being an educator and lack emotional intleligence and maturity. It made me lose respect towards a lot of them and most of them would argue they are learning themselves when in reality they don’t want to know better and do better but students should before them.
That’s called learning disability
Your story resonated with me. I feel clueless about life, and I feel missing opportunity through growing in life because my unawareness/ignorance because lack of guidance and neglect. I am feel lonely all in my life. I am feel sad. 😢
My parents were the same. They didn't go out of their way to foster growth. I, too, was put in "smart" classes. As far as my parents were concerned, I was "good enough". I didn't do homework. They never cared unless they got a call from school. Then they pretended to care until they forgot about it, then life went back to normal.
My parents never supported me going to college, and actually mocked me for it.
My sister recently came to live with me and my wife because she left a toxic relationship. It’s been so odd because we have spent hours and hours talking about our childhood, what it was like to have parents like ours, and the neglect of having 7 children in the household. (My parents were Mormons and it was what they were told to do). But explosive anger seems to come up a lot in our conversations and this video helps explain some of it. So a sincere thank you for providing some insight.
I grew up in a family of 6 kids with a single mother. She had no time for anything but to work two jobs. We each had to survive and find out way in the world. We're not very close to each other or as a family. It's fractured our connection as intergenerational trauma tends to do. There's definitely anger and shame and poor boundaries. My mom was also very religious and at one time when I left "the fold" and ran away from home, she prevented me from seeing my siblings for time. It was a mess.
@@NeseretBemient I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve heard so many stories of people’s family struggles when someone leaves or stops believing in the parent’s church. Luckily for me, my father was starting to see the nonsense of his religion when I was a kid, so I never had the experience you had. He did hold on to the spirit of a bunch of the culture, mostly “the patriarchy”, and I could go on for hours about him, but fortunately he was gone away on business a lot and my mom had to deal with everything at home. So she didn’t have the time, nor inclination, to nurture us and we basically had to do the same as you. However, it makes me mad that my youngest sibling was just waited on hand and foot by her. She would jump and make him a sandwich anytime he wanted one, yet I had to make my own. Don’t get me wrong, at 49 years old I’m glad to be more self sufficient, but that was an anger triggered for me.
@@thelostone6981 wow, that last part about the youngest being babied. So spot on. That’s why I’ve distanced myself from my mother and youngest sibling. And my mother has the audacity to wonder why I’m so responsible yet her youngest child is the complete opposite.
My anger gets so bad I physically hurt, and worse I blackout from it at times. I did years of therapy to get some control. Thanks for the video it has answered some of my questions about my childhood experiences.
I have CPTSD. I blackout as well. It happens so fast that I'm not even aware of it. It has frightened me so much that I isolate now.
I have to rely on others to tell me what I did when this happens. I'm getting better it's been about several years since it happened, but it still scares me. It's about the only thing that does scare me.@@pamelapalmer2832
Who ORIGINALLY hurt you? In my case = MY OWN DAD!!!
Once I bravely named the correct TARGET for my bitter, blistering, murderous RAGE, the anger work paid off & I stopped hurting innocent others with my unresolved anger!
emotional neglect means you NEVER LEARN prosocial ways of coping. It is crippling because you never learn basic right brain to right brain communication. You never learn that regulation is a thing. You are just alone, reacting. Cry it out that never ends
This one hits so close to home for me... Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful content Dr. Marks!
You are so welcome!
My husband goes from 0 to 100 in an instant, from our kids being kids to me asking him for help. He storms around the house, slamming doors and screaming, then shuts himself in the basement. Moments later, it’s as if he never had a meltdown. And if I bring it up, to help him reflect, the episode just starts all over. He won’t go to therapy, so his anger has killed our marriage. I know he’s very shame-based, and his anger stems from having emotional unavailable parents. He’s still hoping they’ll magically turn into available parents, so he neglects me and the kids and runs to them when they make a demand.
I'm going through this versus.. I'm the woman... And we're not married yet.. but I love him.. more than anything. Because he hasn't given up on me, he is genuinely so good to me. When, it feels like everyone has thrown me away or left me at some point in my life.. he has taken care of me and truly loved me.. my anger is .... Explosive.. and scary. I don't want to hurt him. But I ... I don't know it's genuinely so hard. I wish we had a group
I feel so sad when I think about this. I personally have been neglected emotionally. And it really snowballs into the present.
My mom has BPD was severely physically+verbally abusive, I literally feel like I was raised by a sadistic child. This rage feels like the pits of hell are bottled up in your stomach and chest with nowhere to go except consume you… you may lose a lot of friends, relationships, and family by dealing with such uncontrollable rage. Take time and find healthy hobbies like gardening, pottery, painting, and especially journaling! These have all really helped me. I’m so sorry that anyone else has had to deal with this, I resonate with you on a deep profound level
Wow!
I’ve ALWAYS carried A LOT of rage beneath the surface and I’ve always been deeply depressed. Blowing up at nothing was my normal for years and years and I felt like such a horrible person even if no one witnessed my meltdown. Thank you DR. for confirming what I suspected,- that the rage was residual from my childhood abuse and the gaslighting that followed.
I’m better now thank god after realizing the abuse I suffered and going no contact, but it has taken 5 years of healing to get to a calm place of acceptance when things don’t go my way. Thank you for this video!
My extremely abusive mother caused me to experience such anger that from an early age I was firmly convinced that I would kill someone in a fit of rage. I ran away to the Marines at 17 and did 3 tours overseas. But I was still forced to work as a bar bouncer whenever I was stateside so I could hit people and not go to jail. Took until I was 33 before I could finally let go of that anger and actually live.
Yesterday, I felt rage about my childhood wounds. I felt deep sadness and sorry for myself. I don't know who to blame.
How I grew up with emotional neglect influenced low self-esteem, low self-image, low social skills, and low emotional intimacy.
My mother has generational trauma, and I know how she was raised is a reflection of how I was raised with a lack of love and nurturing, I don't want to blame and shame myself anymore, because that won't make things better, it will only make my self-image worse .
I'm lonely going through my life's journey, trying to understand and make sense of everything, but it's overwhelming me. Since there was no one to guide me, I just hoped for it myself.
@magellan-made-maps. At first I always blamed myself, why did I feel different, why did I feel excluded, what was actually wrong in my life. But until I found out that I had trauma (age 28), I tried to find out about my trauma, read lots of books and TH-cam videos related to trauma, learned shadow work, learned tapping (EFT), learned mindfulness, go to a psychologist to validate my trauma, joining a healing space, journaling and more, and I still do now. After I found out that I had generational trauma from my parents, from my mother and father, I tried to understand how they were raised by their both parents and I understood how I was born and raised. I know how childhood imprints affect our future relationships. This is a hard pill to swallow. You try to correct your misalignment upbringing and try to fill the gaps in your void of nurturance. I try to feel compassionate and love myself more. But it would be better if you have the right support system and environment, not do it alone. I know this feels tricky and complicated. I'm still finding my way too, but I know healing is possible, although there's still a long way to go to get there. And I still learn too...
*“Our wound maybe not be our fault but our healing is our responsibility”*
you are your own best friend even if you ca n not see it rn. u also guide yourself and honestly give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong. u got this and wow gd for you. for making it this far.
Re "I dont know who to blame."
Well, who HURT you?
In my case, my violent, abusive dad HURT ME...& sometimes mom hurt me, so I BLAME them for causing most if nor all of the anger & sorrow I've kept hidden inside for all these years. Now that therapy has helped me see the correct TARGET for my bottled up rage...dad & mom, I no longer punish & abuse innocent others in their place! This is NOT about blame (retaliation, punishment, revenge, hostility), it's about UNDERSTANDING & repairing the emotional damages, if possible.
My parents were damaged by their parents who were damaged by their parents, etc, so WHO IS TO BLAME for this multi-generational pattern??? ...Adam & Eve? God?? 😢
@jimrich4192 I'm sorry for what happened to you. I know you are holding on and fighting this battle alone, trying to find relief. In that moment, as I slowly discovered the truth about my trauma, I knew my parents had a hand in the damage it caused, but I slowly tried to understand their position, slowly tried to overcome my worthlessness, toxic shame, and unlearning false core beliefs. The wound is still there, and I don't know the wound when it will dry up. Sometimes, I feel clueless and confused,, and stuck to find answer. I feel alone. But, I know its my responsibilities to heal and break the cycle from it, even its long road journey. 😭😭😭
I recently lost my best friend due to my anger issues, until recently I had no idea how bad it was getting, and how it was affecting those around me. I can't help but feel hatefulness and bitterness towards myself. I care deeply about them and feel horrible for how I behaved. Now there is nothing I can do to fix it, and after learning other things I don't think I could if I tried. I want to move on and become better and learn from this but the guilt, shame and confusion are so overwhelming.
I’m so sorry, been there too! Definitely journal about how you feel and remind yourself it’s not THEIR fault. One thing I’ve learned about people like us is we subconsciously try and make others pay for what was done to us
@noellealdea2563 That's because of what's called Transference. We aren't even talking to the person in front of us. We subconsciously see our parent figure who had similar behaviours & reacting to them for catharsis & resolving the childhood trauma. It feels relieving in the moment and we end up losing potential friendships/relationships
@@gksurabhi oh my god, I never knew this…. That’s really sad. My mom does this with me and I know why that’s why she’s so abusive, she wants revenge on me and my brothers for a pain she felt from her mom. Unfortunately I’ve seen this manifest in myself with my own friends…. I’m gonna have to look more into this so I can better understand myself
@@gksurabhi thank you for telling me this! I just looked this up and realized it’s definitely me to an extent. I also have PMDD which is a severe hormonal imbalance a week before your period and I noticed this transference becomes very evident during this time
Self compassion is a tough one. It took me a while to develop that but once I did, it became easier to be gentle with myself. It's okay to own your feelings of hatefulness or bitterness, especially if you were violated/abused as a child. Or experienced trauma even as an adult. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and then your desire to move forward and heal is already there. You are on the right track. Keep going. I have a self compassion meditation on my channel that might help. Kind regards, Neseret
I am 68 years old…I suffer from anxiety and depression. It took me a long time to figure out it was my mother. Looking back I think most of family her family where bipolar. She would be normal then angry in a matter of a seconds. Never held me, told me she even liked me, yelled at me for what I thought was nothing, would call me names, never helped me with my homework. On the other hand she would do all this for my brother. This is why I have anxiety and depression. I have learned over the years to have a routine surround myself with people who actually like me and love me. It was an uphill battle but it is possible. I never took any of this out on my brother. It was not his fault. To anyone that is suffering good luck on your journey just remember all things are possible.
I am glad you made a video that mentions the angry type of depression! Anger and sadness are actually interchangeable feelings. Anger can transform into sadness and sadness can be transformed into anger. One is a passive emotion the other one is reactive. I guess it depends on born personal characteristics too whether a neglected person will become an explosive angry adult or a withdrawing sad type.
Or both - like you said, one can easily transition to the other.
@@christabelle__ it is true also! But one type is usually more dominant. For eg. in borderline personality disorder (BPD) the anger is prevalent. And when a person with BPD gets depressed, the feeling of anger is dominant. Anger in BPD is a general reaction for unexpected and unwanted events. They get angry when their expectations arw not met. And remain angry through an extended time.
I remember watching a video on another website. Where a kid jumped a student in class. Nobody intervened, and the victim just suddenly screamed.
"I'm done. I hate this place."
That's what gets to me the most.... When someone genuinely goes through abuse. And it's just dismissed as "anger issues."
The kid who jumped him has anger issues. Not him. But if nobody believes the victim: That's how we have this connection of Irritability and PTSD.
Especially if it was on a chronic basis.
The whole saying of "Hate just creates more Hate."
I'm so angry I'm raging. I never let it out. I feel like I'm silently screaming in rage. I feel like I shut down everything so I don't let out my rage. Made to feel helpless all the time until I was helpless and all my choices made me more helpless. Now I'm healing and find myself recognizing I am just so pissed off I'm afraid to move in life
THANK YOU for providing & defining types of neglect!💯 ‘Neglect’ is used often but many times, people, especially ones who Need to Know the Definition due to actually experiencing it, rarely comes across the meaning. After years of suspecting I was but felt I didn’t meet the parameters, I bravely ask my therapist to define neglect & also ask did they think I was neglected. After receiving the answer, IT WAS A GAME CHANGER & now I am learning tools to overcome the adult manifestations of it in my life!💯
I'm bipolar and grew up in a family of 5 kids. My Mother suffered from depression and did not like to be held of to hold us. My father raised the boys as if we were his property. He didn't say he loved us and he never gave hugs. Lots and lots of anger.
When I was working, I would have to put so much effort in preparing myself for negative comments. If someone caught me off guard, my anger would come out.
My father just recently passed on at 92. I didn't go to funeral, because I wanted a new start with him on my terms. :)
I pray for those of you who suffered as a child. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping so many with your videos. God Bless You.
Your amygdala holds grudges to protect you. So freaking true! 😂😂😂 ❤❤❤
It also causes physical health issues. Death cures the angry person, but since my seething angry, narcissistic mother died I have felt mostly rage. It is hard to manage rage and not let it splatter all over others like a toxic pewk fest. What I find helps me most is when I catch the toxic angry stew bubbling up in my gut, I've learned to sit down and take 5 minutes to explore what feelings about the current situation is making me angry, and what treatment in childhood does this feeling represent and recreate. That is where the rage gets triggered and released from, the past, not the present. Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, has been very helpful in facilitating this process for me. Good luck to all in being curious, exploring, and gaining a better understanding of ourselves.
I have been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and I don’t handle stress well at all.. I become angry at my husband out of all proportion , I hear myself threatening to kill myself and I’ve beaten myself up with my fists on my face many times over the years. My grief and anxiety causes me to want to hide myself away from life. I’m 59 and only now do I realize how deeply my childhood neglect runs still through me. My father was angry and absent and my mother had MS and was bedridden most of my childhood. I pray for peace.
This was my ex, who self-medicated with marijuana. Any time he tried to quit, his anger would be extreme. He punched his laptop screen when some relatively minor thing happened. I’m pretty sure he was abused in childhood but he never wanted to talk about it. 😢
I used to not feel anger at all, then after years of therapy, the anger and rage came back in full force. But after being abandoned, neglected, beat up, groomed at 13 and blackmailed into silence, it’s clear where that anger came from.
But I’ve learned to pause and observe myself. To not judge myself for being angry, and act like a good friend to myself. From this, I’ve been able to break through blind rage and not take it out on things or those around me.
Imagine having both, childhood neglect and physical abuse TOGETHER 😢
That was me. My mom neglected me and my sister. Left us at home alone while working two jobs from the time I was 8. I learned to cook then too. My sister became sneaky. Throwing stuff like her food under my bed. Double whammy when Mom found it. Stop lying Deana. And my sister laughing behind my mother's back. I didn't realize I left me with broken relationships. When I had best friends at school and they made another friend, I backed out of the friendships covertly. My romantic relationships were disasters from go. I didn't realize it was me til I was in my fifties. I didn't know what reactivity meant. I still don't know why my bosses end up hating me. But I am working on me now
Big same. /internet hugs
@@christabelle__ thank you 💕
Rarely does physical abuse happen without neglect.
Same here. My mom would often tell us we were her “curses” so I’ve been waking around the world thinking I’m a shit person. Thankful for these videos and everyone’s honesty in the comments.
This video came out at the right time. I do get rage'd out whenever I get out of work. I just moderately scream in my car while heading back home. Since I work the night shift there is not much cars around, so no one sees me or hears me haha
This was my dad, unfortunately. It was pretty scary being a small child with a very angry and strong man to talk down. But I guess it turned me into a flawless diplomat, interpersonally speaking.
I have suffered emotional neglect as a kid, till I was in my 20's. In relationships, I always seek an epic emotional response, too much happiness, too much anger. These are signs of a toxic relationship, and I am often, the perpetrator. But I always feel like a victim whenever I am cooking up these storms. This technique, of observing situations from the outside has really helped me. I mean, I still sometimes slip and show extreme anger, but I do not feel like the victim anymore. So, that's progress.
I like this editing!
I’m as bad as some of the examples here, but I can admit that I have a few triggers that get me to explode in a rage. I’m better at controlling it than I was years ago
And here I thought I got my anger issues from my daddy.... I did, but he got his from his childhood trauma and I got mine from my childhood trauma and when you grow up with childhood trauma as well as seeing and experiencing this behavior you are predestined to have it... Glad I began to recognize that flipping out over my kids spilling milk or other minor inconveniences (pretty much anytime I have to actually get up and do something...) was not ok! I still have outbursts, but I make sure I don't do them in front of my kids anymore.... And I try to learn from each outburst to see where I can make this situation less angry for me...
I completely understand where you are coming from, I had similar experiences with the family lineage of trauma causing trauma.. I am very sorry that you had to go through that at all, however by deciding that the buck stops with you and not passing the trauma to your kids is so wonderful. I know first hand how hard it is to break the compulsion of anger and flying off the handle. It took me a lot of soul searching and therapy to break the cycle of anger and I am so happy that I did. My blood pressure has even improved 😅
Best of luck to you and your family 😊❤
What kind of abuse is it when parents let their children’s teeth rot? Ignore eyesight issues? You’re correct. Medical neglect can be just as severe as emotional or physical abuse. Combine all three and you are raising a human with many issues later into adulthood.
As someone who suffered from abuse rather than neglect, I always thought the neglect people had it easier as adults. They really seem to crave relationships and intimacy with people, as they were starved of that as kids. On the other hand, I'm more of a lone wolf who distrusts people and shies away from intimacy and relationships. I've gotten a lot better, to the point I now have a moderately large circle of friends, but it took a while after getting away from my family of origin to get there. I still don't see myself being in another romantic relationship and now even identify as asexual/aromantic.
that’s sounds about right what your on to is something great. as i always say let’s stand for something greater than ourselves. me too i have decided to get away from romance and just be me just be in my skin and start loving myself from within. and how can we loose by giving ourselves the time we actually needed. anyways best of luck to you.
I agree, abuse is a horrible thing. I was only neglected, never seriously abused. Craving intimacy is such a painful experience though. I feel always on edge, worrying someone will leave
Thanks for this video. I can’t decide if it resonates. My dad blew up all the time when I was growing up. He would yell and scream to the point even the neighbors could hear. Then he would lie down on his side on his bed and call me and/or my brother into the room and lecture us for long periods of time. Eventually my legs wound buckle and I’d kneel. I was not neglected in any of the ways you described at the start of this video. My parents loved me and made sure I knew this, and they took care of all my needs. I’m not sure how to classify my upbringing. I don’t think I was abused but I don’t think I was socialized well. I recognize that I don’t process frustration or disappointment normally. Sometimes I get very angry like you described, but not all the time like my father and less as I’ve gotten older. My social skills are not normal so I’m careful with trusting friendships. My colleagues often subtly bully me and I handle it badly. I never got married or had children. As I’ve grown older I care less and less for being around people. Im not socially isolated but I honestly wouldn’t mind anymore if I stopped socializing. It’s more peaceful on my own.
That behavior of your father's is still abusive, whether or not it is considered 'neglect'. I'm sorry, I dealt with much the same, and worse - and I've grown to be very insular and don't mind being so cut off from society, most days...which I can recognize is abnormal? Even if I don't *feel* like it is.
I have depression, but for the vast majority of my life anger has been the only emotion thats been consistent. Frustration and white-hot rage are my constant companions and its only been a recent breakthrough that those emotions come from grieving what I never got. Emotional neglect, threats of violence, and telling someone that there is no place in the world thats safe for them to break down even with their own family will really fuck a kid up. Who knew!
I felt this so deeply. Anger and frustration are my constant companions too. I'm tired of it because I want to feel something else, ANYTHING else than this tempest that is constantly swirling inside my chest. Totally understand where you're coming from and I hope you are doing better.
I’ve meditated for hours doing deep breathing in lotus, advanced yoga, written in journals, talked about it, ran miles a day, I’ve done deep dives into psychology, prayed, done deep dives into spirituality, everything.
It doesn’t help my intense rage from being abandoned, neglected, and molested. This is rage so intense that I punch myself in the face and pull my own hair out while writhing around on the ground screaming like a banshee.
I’ve never seen anyone get as angry as me, ever. None of these videos even compare. What is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do.
Im sorry you have to go through that, and what you went through.
I wonder how much society has an impact on this. Seeing more about the social impacts would be cool
My depression is coming from my anxiety. I think all the trauma in my life and then a bad second marriage and severe money problems caused me to cross the edge.
Interesting to me is that during my first marriage, which was a good marriage but I developed anger issues . My therapist and my ex wife’s said it was probably from depression! I guess they are and were right ! I finally broke at 58.
Now I am in an awful place. I know that if I could cover my bills I would get better. However, even my therapist says that I had some childhood trauma from issues that took place in my family when I was a kid. My parents were very focused on my sickly sister.
However, I did have a good childhood , I just feel there was something missing.
I know I ruined my first marriage. My second marriage was to a narcissistic abuser and I broke.
This is a very insightful video! Talking about it does helps immensely - my parents seemed simultaneously loveing and uncaring when I grew up, but when I started talking to them about it, I realized they were working through their own traumas, and regret they couldn't help me more. Once that understanding was established, I felt strangely relieved and that has strengthened our bond.
I' ve never talked to my parents about that. I wonder if they realise how contradictory info I was getting from them, when at one point they are so loving and are ready to "except you as I you are" and at another time, when I do a mistake (without realising it), they are like beyond themselves "how can you be so stupid". I wish I could laugh about it, but I am sad.
@@candleofmylife I know I still occasionally struggle with it, but understanding that not only did our parents have traumas, but they also came from a generation(s) where mental health conditions were stigmatized or otherwise ignored is part of road leading to acceptance. It will require a lot of effort to break a cycle that may be potentially generations deep.
You cannot change what happened in the past, but understanding and acceptance of what happened is part of healing.
@@Puffie40 Well said. Now I see, acceptance and understanding (as you mentioned these) take off labels from people
Simultaneously loving and uncaring describes my experience so well too. She was loving, but only if she was seeking love herself. I don't think she realized all her actions were driven by her own desires, and she didn't love me just to love me. Some days she was friendly, but most she's on hair trigger. My mom definitely had her own issues growing up too though
I understand everything you've said and explained, but it is still using a water pistol on a house fire. There needs to be something that blankets the fire immediately. Breathing DOES NOT do that.
💯💯💯
I don’t even want to try to calm down in the moment
Greetings from Venezuela, South America.
I have noticed this symptom and pattern with some of my clients, and your explanation helps to shed light on the etymology!
When I’m on the phone with my mother I go from 0 to 10 in 0.1 seconds
One of the extreme difficult pitfalls of neglect is that you may feel confused why there would have been "trauma" in your childhood, you might struggle to remember anything "bad" happening or even feel like an imposter.
But after all, this is not about things that did happen, but about things that did NOT happen (e.g. like the missing emotional support mentioned in the video).
Btw. 4:29, one of the things triggering extreme anger for me can be a feeling of helplessness, sometimes combined with perceived injustice. This can range from real injustice like e.g. bullying down to the feeling of helplessness when you need to get something done on your computer but it "preventing you" from completing the task by crashing. Anyone else?
Ooh, there's a lot packed in this video. We each have the ability to nurture, comfort, and begin to heal our wounded child. Recognize that feelings are temporary, and breathe through both difficult and wonderful experiences. I felt this was affirming my growth and rehabilitation. Thank you
Good God, I won all the spots on the childhood neglect bingo card!! I finally got into therapy due to being physically tired of being angry about 5 yrs ago. It did NOT help that every nursing job situation I had from 2007 until 2021 repeated the same gaslighting and neglect from persons in power. From the household, to the workplace, to self-advocating for chronic illness; I didn't have much of a chance to break out of automatic trauma responses for just about all my life. I didn't end up in a safer in occupational and personal healthcare power differential situations, to stop reinforcing the same learned trauma responses, until 2020.
It's a good reminder, writing this out, as to why we're still on a weekly therapy appointment schedule ...
Thank God I never had children! They would have been traumatized by my rage. Watching the video of men destroying their computers (2 different people) was SO SATISFYING! How many times have I felt like and WANTED to do that? No. I've never DONE that, but I have WANTED to. I have had such deep rage and no one in my family understands why. I've been told my whole life that I over-react. I simply feel as if everyone else UNDER-reacts, or swallows their feelings ... or they get cancer and die.
I don't know why I'm this way. My mother was the epitome of caring; she ALWAYS picked us up when we cried... she LISTENED to us AND she absolutely LET ME have my feelings AND she validated them. (Not the rage, but the feelings themselves). So... my rage must have come from... ? I don't know. My father left before I was born. SO, perhaps ....? However, I met him later (@18 months), we had a good relationship (he was kind and loving and funny... and also bi-polar. But he was very careful around me, he KNEW he had problems and was careful not to project onto me).
If someone suggested I journal (or "Breathe!!") when I was having a fit, I would HATE them. I would want them to die. If you are in extreme stress/anger and someone suggests you do something that is the opposite of what you're doing/FEELING, it's tantamount to being told "Don't feel the way you feel." What DOES help, is to NOT be invalidated.
It's weird--despite my being a quiet, shy, timid and passive woman around others, when I'm alone, especially when exercising or meditating or doing chores, I get this rage and crushing angry sadness out of nowhere. Afaik I had a safe and happy enough early life, so idk where it's coming from. I was operated on as a newborn, so maybe something scary happened then? And I lived with an aunt & uncle as well as my parents, and they were good to me iirc, but again maybe I've blocked something out? It's terrifying to think that this anger could have a root I don't even remember or know about...
How do you feel about your current situation?
@@kamikeserpentail3778 hey, thanks for asking, hope you're doing good today. As to your question--honestly not that great, matters certainly could be much improved. However, my personal circumstances could in no way be called traumatic or harrowing, and part of the reason I'm as trapped and underachieving as I am is because of this mysterious anger I've been carrying and internalising since I was a kid/preteen. So again, there's no obvious answer to any of this, causing me to feel guilt about how inert and stressed I am. Vicious cycle, right? Idk if you can relate, it's weird.
When you say you're quiet, shy, timid, and passive around others -- do you feel that this is the real you?
And one other question: growing up, was there an adult you could talk to when you were scared, sad, angry, or when something was worrying or bothering you? Do you recall ever doing that?
@@Meowch3 hey, thanks for the follow-up and the interest, it means a lot to share even with a stranger. Happy holidays to you and hope all is well🌟
To answer succintly: I have no idea who the 'real me' is, probably in part because I've been masking socially for 3/4 of my life at least, in order to avoid interpersonal conflicts (even low stakes one) that make me terrified and agitated. It's always been my instinct to give way to other people or let them go ahead of me and walk over me. Even when I sit alone with myself or try to meditate, I feel that I lack a 'centre' to return to.
Also, it doesn't help that I went to a high-pressure academic school and was teased/excluded by other smarter/richer students, so again since I was around 10 years old I've been hiding who I was and shrugging people & opportunities off to save myself from scrutiny. E.g. I never had a romantic relationship, and the only friends I ever had were other misfits such as myself who had no one else to protect them socially (so we were only 'friends' situationally and as a last resort, I never saw them again after grad).
As to a trusted adult, my first reaction was to say my Mom, as now I'm an adult too, we have a good fairly open honest trusting rapport, but it took me having two nervous breakdowns (at 19 and 23) for her to let go of her false image of me and start encouraging me to open up. Before that, I was very much not talking to any adult about my overwhelming personal fears, except maybe my driving instructor who ended up being a kind of mentor (but one I had to pay and only saw briefly once a week). My Mom says that when I was a teen and College kid she had no idea how to handle me emotionally and thought I was unreachable or a misanthrope.
So it's a pretty sad story, hope it doesn't depress you too much! Sometimes I think about trying therapy again, though I can't afford it tbh (I can only work time as I have a chronic neuro condition and ASD sensitivities), and my first few attempts in College were a disaster. My sister (probably my only real friend) has also offered to try G0lden Teachers with me to see if we can crack open my 3rd eye and shift the paradigm...might be worth a shot.
@@pendafen7405
From what you wrote, I postulate that the rage you feel might be the unprocessed anger of essentially being abandoned from a young age.
Here’s why: you’ve been hiding who you were since you were 10 years old. There is something very wrong with that picture. If you were to hear of a 10 year old like this from someone else, what would be the first thing on your mind? Is it not: where in the world are this girl’s parents? Why aren’t they helping her? Why is she suffering alone and keeping everything to herself? Why is she not divulging her sadness and worries to the people who are supposed to be taking care of her?
You were left to commiserate with misfits who similarly had no guidance (aka good adults) in their life because there was no adult that was holding on to you. No 10 year old ever puts themselves into this position; they are forced into it. It’s supposed to work like this: a child attaches to at least one competent adult, who then assumes the alpha role in the relationship and provides complete physical and emotional security so that the child can relax and venture out to explore the world. The adult is never a passive presence, but instead is proactive in giving this sense of security and treats the child with unconditional positive regard -- love with no conditions of worth attached. When it gets to be too much, and it will, the child returns to the adult as their home base and lavishly receives the comfort and security they need. Recharged, they venture out again. Repeat for years and years until the child becomes an independent, mature, self-regulating adult like her caregiver. Here's the catch: a child will only return to home base if it is a safe place, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It sounds like you had no home base to return to. You were alone.
Your mother no doubt did the best she could, but her best just wasn't good enough if she had no idea how to handle you emotionally. That's literally a parent's job -- to handle and guide their child emotionally, not just provide food, clothing, and shelter. It's no wonder you became "unreachable." That did not manifest out of nowhere. From way before you were 10, I believe your caregivers were unreachable, too. It doesn't mean they didn't love you, most certainly they did, but it does mean they didn't connect with you the way they should have, maybe because they had their own unresolved issues or traumas.
So why did you keep everything to yourself? Why did you not tell your parents what was going on? I can only tell you one thing for sure: you did not feel safe enough to do so. You felt the futility of it and gave up. If you felt the need to hide yourself, it’s because you did not feel accepted for who you were by the adults who were responsible for you. You were either rejected, or just flat out unseen. It is a parent's responsibility to take the initiative in the parent-child relationship, not the child's. The child should not have to work at the relationship -- they are in the dependent role. The parent doesn't get to sit back and watch the show. They are the adult and the one in charge. They're supposed to help the child, not throw their hands up in the air and give up. If you pushed them away, it was their job to pull you in harder.
None of this looks traumatic on the outside because there is no one horrible event you can point to. This is more what you'd call "small T trauma." On paper the family looks picture perfect. No abuse, loving parents. But it's not just about what happened, but what did not happen. This is neglect. Specifically, I believe in your case, emotional neglect. Your parents were not there for you emotionally when you needed them. The reason you can't remember it is because it is not a negative event etched into your mind, but the absence of a good thing, which doesn't feel like anything bad, but inevitably leads to the horrible aloneness you've described.
The instinct to give way to other people and let them walk all over you is a learned behavior from childhood. It is not anyone's personality to be a doormat, but a coping mechanism. Given that our relationship with our parents serves as the blueprint for how the rest of our relationships in life play out, I suspect that you learned early on to unconsciously suppress yourself to keep your parents happy. They could not handle you, and you felt it. This is an extremely traumatic thing for a child to experience -- that her own parents, who are basically god in her eyes, can't handle her. If she concedes that her parents are incompetent, she is doomed. There is nothing she can do then. How will she survive? This prospect is so frightening, that she concludes that SHE must be the problem. Then she can at least still do something to save herself. She adapts by closing herself off. She suppresses her anger, her sadness, and keeps her worries and fears inside. This at least gives the illusion of peace and she is no longer a cause of "trouble" in the family.
This is the classic dilemma of attachment vs. authenticity. A child will unconsciously always prioritize the attachment relationship with the caregiver in order to survive, no matter how deep the cost to the self is. It helps the child survive childhood, but leaves a broken shell of an adult who has deep anger buried within and no sense of who she really is. She is afraid to rock the boat and prioritizes attachment over authenticity in her relationships by suppressing herself, just as she did with her parents. A healthy relationship is one where both of you can be yourselves with one another. You respect one another's boundaries and can enjoy each other's love and company without sacrificing your authenticity. Of course, to be authentic, you have to know who you are to begin with. This process of self-discovery is what childhood is literally all about -- going from a completely dependent human being to an independent one who is strongly grounded in herself so that she can merge and connect with others without losing a sense of who she is. She can enjoy love and connection with others while still being her own person. She is supposed to learn this from her relationship with her caregivers, and it is on them alone to make sure this gets done. It is impossible for anyone, let alone a child, to learn it on their own.
...Does any of that resonate? Sorry if it was a bit direct or harsh. I know parents are (sometimes) deserving of compassion and don't mean to mess their children up, but I believe we have to hold them accountable in our heart in order to move on so that we can rid ourselves of the unjustified self-blame we trauma-survivors are apt to swim in. It's on us to fix our issues now as adults, but our parents' failures are not our fault. Just some food for thought. I've had my own rage issues in the past and realizing all this is what helped me resolve it, but of course only you can know if this describes you. I hope it helped you gleam a hint or two at least as to what might be wrong. I know therapy is terribly expensive, I could not afford it either. There are some good books I can point to if you're interested in learning more. Wishing you the best and happy holidays to you as well! ;)
Damn, I went through all those forms of neglect and physical abuse
I learned when my fear was masked by anger, it helped me understand the rage.
Ask yourself whether you are actually angry or feeling incredibly hurt and vulnerable and sad and powerless to fix it. You can get so angry for instance about someone mistreating you but the real problem is how bad it made you feel. Anger might be a good response to protect yourself but it also means it really got to you. Hit you where it hurts and touched a sore spot.
If you can sit with those painful feelings for a few minutes it shifts something in your brain. The sudden, impromptu chaos and flood of anger can be energizing. But i find myself seething hours, days, years later. Asking myself if i am feeling hurt and scared of being hurt again brings me closer to the root of what is going on.
I can get angry when it's that time of the month my emotions are awful. I am terrible crying to anger to depression. I have got angry in work situations and when people talk to me, and I snap at them. I have walked out of jobs and handed my notice in I was so angry. I think I had emotional neglect as I suffer with social anxiety, depression. My dad is emotionally unavailable person, insensitive, stern, angry and old skool and my mum is codependency issues, severe anxiety and insecurity body image stuff. I am seeing a therapist and having interpersonal therapy I am not sure tis working to be honest. If I wasn't on medication, I think I would be exploding every month PMDD.
This really struck a chord with me, particularly emotional and support from my care givers. Thankfully I healed, but I'm seeing older family members with unhealed wounds.. It's a really bad situation to be in..
I know I wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Great video, I am Still in therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life. It's good to hear some things that kind of explain the pain. I'm just sad that my life is full of rage and resentment^2 and I have been weak to not take it out on my partners 😢 I feel like I could have been normal(in an alternate timeline), but I'm basically a monster. regrets serve to remind me that my impulse is often the way to shame . I still struggle with that and guilt/shame for things I've said and done. Good luck to all who hate themselves like I did. We don't necessarily deserve the forgiveness of those we have hurt but if we continue to hate ourselves we will ultimately self destruct and cause more harm.
I don't think one form of abuse "sticks" longer than the other.
I think it's just manifested in different ways.
💯 exactly!
Wow! That was an awesome video to watch, Dr. Tracey!
The biggest source of violence in our world is not war, it is domestic violence. But I think for many people, even mental health professionals it is often difficult to associate anger with childhood trauma.
Often we think of anger, even in children and youth, as a symptoms of behavioral problems, more so than a symptom of trauma. But it makes perfect sense. I've struggled with emotional regulation, specifically anger for a greater part of my life.
I come from a line of "generation of angry, depressed, and traumatized people." I've made a video on my channel about intergenerational trauma. This is not to say we've also developed a lot of strength and resiliency despite it. But it leaves its' mark and very challenging to overcome and to break the cycle. Although, it is possible.
My grand mother was in an arranged marriage by the time she was 14 years old and shortly after she had children.
My mother was a victim of abuse of every kind and struggled to break the cycle. She had six children and was a single mother in a war-torn country. She was abusive physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually while we were growing up.
My daughter and I have an improved relationship but I still have struggled with anger throughout my life. It has gotten better with inner work, mindfulness, supportive relationship, and a very meaningful work I consider my spiritual practice.
I love that you were just spot on, not just with the problem but also the solution. I admire your work. Thank you for what you do. You inspire me.
Warm regards,
Neseret
It happened to me on 2019... I was frustrated with anger, and couldn´t put what I felt on words... so I used to smash my head with the wall. I healed with Escitalopram and Risperidone on super low doses, and with pandemic time I went outside, no matter what...I was better than anyone, so ASK FOR HELP! (Im psychology, but is not enough!)
Be schizoid and you don't have to worry about it because you won't be around anyone for your anger to bother,except yourself.
The script writers are working overtime now.
how about a father that didnt want you and an over protective mother while also being a latch key kid with undiagnosed autism and adhd? I have had horrible bouts of both depression and anger and rage outbursts.
Worst outbursts were when I actually lashed out and injured myself in the process. Kicked something and ended up busting the toenail off my big toe that never grew back right, or the time I kicked my car door and did the same thing to the other foot. Punched so many holes in walls that I think I have a bone chip in my hand that every so often causes me pain to this day.
Thanks Dr., your efforts to educate us are much appreciated. Thanks again! Great video!
Love how you organize our thoughts. Thank you for helping us understand and heal.
I’ll be watching this one and staring my work book thanks doctor I’m not healed but I’m starting to understand a bit more these days 🌸 love and light yall
This makes total sense why I'm such a trigger happy rage monster. I often think about the heavy neglect I dealt with as a kid. I never had any support for anything as a kid, I was told I was the problem and why I couldn't just be normal. I was constantly punished for everything, including eating too much food. I've been able to recognize my anger issues for decades, but it never seems to get any better. Abandonment issues are my biggest issue, which is likely why I can't stay in one job or city or state for very long.
I feel so fake for pretending I'm alright with everyone, while (in reality) I feel like I'm imploding...I never allow anyone to see me meltdown or lose the appearance of emotional stability...I shut down and avoid with moderate pushback or questioning...I don't know how to actually divulge some of the f'd-up crap of my life... and if another mfn therapist breaks down to where I'm passing out their own damn tissues, I'm going to lose my mind (finally)!
[Y'all's comment section is my journaling exercise... sorry]
You need a tough, trauma "informed" (meaning they've been through hell and have enough recovery) therapist and that's rare to find.
I wonder if microdose psychedelics would help you. Microdose Ketamine helped me so much! 💜
I have an interesting question. Imagine you're at the cubicle job, and you see the guy slamming the monitor with his keyboard in a frenzied state of extreme anger. What if you walked right up to him and just basically encouraged him? Egged him on? "Yeah!! You show that monitor! Don't take any s***!!" Is this advisable? It seems like it could quickly diffuse the situation. Then buy the guy a beer and let him vent because we've all been there.
I like your thinking though! 💯🤍
50 year old female dealing with anger triggered by peri-menopause hormones but I've always had anger issues. I actually took an online anger management class because I was so worried about it. It helped but didn't explain why I have such issues. I endured a lot of childhood emotional abuse and neglect, plus intense guilt over witnessing my younger brother getting abused and not being able to protect him. Thank you for this video.
Can relate 💯
Some supplements help me but yeah.
Hey Dr. Marks, I want to start by saying I genuinely appreciate all the work that you do. Learning more about mental health, even the things that might not apply to me, is always such an enriching thing to both understand myself and those around me. I always try to make time to keep up with your uploads.
I did want to take a second to mention though, that lately it seems as though the recordings of your voice in the video have gone down a bit in quality. I'm not sure if this is a side effect of a change in recording equipment or the video production process, but I notice a kind of graininess in the background of the recording of your voice - as if you're very slightly hoarse - that has become rather distracting to listen to in an otherwise very well produced and easy to digest video.
This seems to be unique to your videos and only something I've noticed in the past few months, as it's present when watching both on my laptop and my phone, and it's not something I pick up in any other videos. I hope this helps, and can be rectified in some way.
Either way, keep up the great work.
What if the person doesn’t remember a specific incident/trauma but has this anger? I noticed some computers getting trashed-100% me. Tech puts me over the edge so quickly.
Living with all this technology, which us humans aren't used to, can be frustrating, regardless.
When my depression gets bad, I distract myself. I have a fairly fit body and when I get angry, I shut myself down because I am not in any sports that require my angry strength. I just distract myself and I annoy myself because I have a LOT of dreams that I just glance at and don't work for.
Depression is funny XD. I just watch what I myself go through.
Thank you for these helpful and educational videos.
The 4th method on breath work is huge for my own healing process, and why we need to take better care of our own lungs. This even gave me a healthy outlet for my anger as vitality and arousal in situations that demand it like powerlifting, wherein breath work and bracing help me to further grounding myself.
I don't know how many phones I have smashed in my lifetime.
NEGLECT as a big factor in the creation of rage....Amygdala function........;;; BUT, what about the developemental changes in the brain due to childhood trauma and neglect - prefrontal cortex lack of developement.....?
I can't say this description of depression and rage matches my experience.
I don't recall neglect as far as I can tell.
But I practically can't function sometimes without being angry, too exhausted to move without rage as fuel.
A child has only their personal experience to go by and no point of reference for what is normal, so they won't be able to recognize neglect when it happens. That may (or may not) be why you can't recall it...Another is that you may have coped with neglect by dissociating. You weren't "there" to begin with, so you can't remember it happening. Just some ideas...wishing you the best.
I have ADHD, and emotional dysregulation is a large part of it 0 I always thought my sudden, intense bouts of anger were rooted in that! But it could be a combination of these things for me...and yours could be rooted in something else, too.
Thanks!
You’re welcome and thank you!🙏🏽❤️
I have fits of anger that attacked often and like PTSD made me feel as if I am in the neglectful. I recently had to call one of the family members who caused the trauma and telling them that I forgive them. It was a very healing and freedom from the anger that does not happen as it has in the past.
Do we have to resolve childhood trauma? I think I went through some but I'm pretty good at blocking it out. I've been diagnosed with many things, BPD, Bipolar Disorder with medication resistance depression, Anxiety disorder, etc.
I've never enjoyed being alive and feel like I never will (I'm now 52). I feel like dishing up that trauma would be even worse for me.
I'm at a loss for words. So much I've learned about myself in this video
You're doing God's work
Thank-you; peace be upon you
This is me. Bullied for much of my childhood, and I responded when I got older by putting up defensive walls. I have trouble letting people into my life. I don't trust people and I am not a happy person. People wonder why I "am so angry." They don't get it. I am not angry. I am traumatized.
I do all of the things suggested except the support thing. I've sought it, but everyone just ends up joining the "everything you say is just BS and whining and all you want is sympathy and attention," club. Nevermind the fact that nothing in the rest of my behavior suggests these notions, and of course, I have learned better than to try to prove my assertions with research or professional opinions, because apparently no one can actually handle the idea that my experience of reality is really that messed up. It's all just me being a problem for other people, people who are able to be happy and not require all this education and effort to achieve health, and I should just shut up and figure out how to be normal so I'm not a burden on everyone else.
Honestly, I can do pretty well without anyone, but the communal effort to force me to just seem normal and act like nothing's wrong, really defeats the efforts I make when using most of the methods you suggest here. How in the world do I get family, coworkers, etc. to leave me the hell alone so that I can actually benefit from the various types of therapeutic and coping oriented management techniques that I've used so successfully for most of my adult life? Like what the hell does one do when surrounded by people who think that THEY must fix you while simultaneously being either ignorant of most/all of the psychological learning you have gained over thears, or flat out believing that psychological medicine is wholesale BS?
If the answer is "get the hell away from these toxic ass people and their repressive, out of date culture," then I already know that and have been trying for years. Maintaining base levels of functionality is just really difficult under these circumstances and actually making any progress is next to impossible. I kind of feel like I'm going to be dead before I actually make it out of this hellhole. But any advice is appreciated; God knows I can use any trick or advantage that I can possibly scrounge up.
Yep, that's me. 1000% all of my issues stem from childhood trauma: sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse, just a big bag of mess... Just now at 42 doing something about it.
Diet is an issue too. I had anger management problems as a teenager and it was due to being on a low fat high carb diet. Here I was eight years old when it started after the doctor told my mom to cut the fats in my diet. He was also giving me some kind of shots ( maybe vaccines but these were in the butt cheek) that made me go temporarily paralyzed. Anyway, because of the fats being cut in children's diets this is why we see so many kids becoming violent despite being disciplined. Those fats get replaced by carbs that dont nourish the brain and just turn into sugar and gluten and cause brain and gut issues. Here I got spanked but still had anger issues.
This makes so much sense to me. I was emotionally neglected and educationally neglected. I think it led to me being an addict and feeling broken and alone.
I suffer from this and i know it come from somewhere in my childhood but i can't figure out what it is..Your channel is verry helpful for me , thanks Doctor !
Edi (Switzerland)
My mother not being nurturing and not protecting me from my terrorist father was negligence. I am so affected by my childhood that I wish I was never born.
I felt loved, in my difficult family, but the Medical Neglect was scary. We mostly did Not go to doctors.
New subscriber here. I work at a juvenile detention and this video was very informative! Thank You!
Dr. Tracey, could you please talk about covert narcissistic mothers and the impact on their child’s lives and emotional incest ?
Child hood trauma can also cause a severely critical inner voice. If you do not have an awareness of this internalization of your abusers voice, you may point at others as the reason for your anger. But actually your anger is fueled by this inner critic who goes unchallenged in accusing yourself and others of all manner of wrongs.
Hi Dr. Tracy, I was emotionally abused by my mom so I agree with what you said! Fortunately, my dad gave my sisters and I love and care! However, it took me many years to handle my anger problem. It took me years of therapy and self-help books to realize what I needed to do to control my anger problem. I'm 66 years old now and I finally feel at peace!
i am so sad to see that we cannot even get information such as this without embedded tv clips to distract the brain. as an adult, i cannot tolerate such childishess. the generations behind me still need to be treated like children. it's quite sad, coming from a doctor. were you proud when you had to embed a clip from the office or did it sting your soul just a little.
I like the animations of the titles. They have a frame rate that makes it smooth and satisfying to look at and that grabs my attention. I appreciate that kinda stuff, even though it’s not related to the theme of the video. It makes the video look very professional. I hope for the best for this channel. It should reach as many people as possible.
Also it’s great to know that ACT can help me with this. I will discuss it with my therapist and look into it.