How Do I Say No To My Addicted Child? www.treehouserecovery.com More Info about Our Family Therapy and Counseling Program treehouserecov... 855) 274-1040
All the arguments in the world couldn’t heal me! I had to go in patient 30 days, and to a sober house for 365 days! Recovered now for 15 years! It was miserable being an addict! The obsession has finally gone away! Thank God!
This was immensely helpful. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My adult brother is an active alcoholic, currently being enabled by my parents. There is not a day that my life is not affected in some way by this. Thank you.
I have been through hell for years and at 68 I’ve decided I want to enjoy my own life free and clear of chaos of my adult childrens’ addictions. They are not asking for help, but they don’t appear to want to fix their addiction either. I love all of them very much and it’s so hard to stand back and watch them destroy their lives. However, I do believe they have a choice to get help or not. It seems a lot of focus is what the parents can do to help their children. I love what you say Karen about putting our own oxygen mask on first… Finally.
When I have to tell my soon-to-be homeless brother that he can't live with me. Because I MUST have a chaos-free life. I will not sacrifice myself for his addictions!
@@flawlessstrategy9972 I'm in the same boat with my brother. Middle of the night calls from hospital ERs, the landlord, random nurses and social workers for the last 4 years. When I see his number pop up I feel triggered. I cannot do this anymore. On Tuesday I am taking my first vacation in 7 years and there will be no phone calls answered. After that, his number will be blocked except for a chosen 4 hr period weekly. I'll call him back if I feel like it. In the meantime...Alanon.
Just had to do the "no" to request for money a few days ago. There was no conversation, just plunged right into the request after not communicating with me for 9 months. I know I sounded harsh, but the "no" had to cut off son's lies and manipulations. Result - he promptly hung up without a word. That told me all I needed to know. Despite double digit rehab stays, he is not really in recovery.
I realized I have to wait to respond with a family member who only texts me when they are drunk, high... It's not perfect, but responding right away just makes it way worse and digs a hole. This is helpful.
My son is an addict with severe mental illness . I have been in this codependency hampster wheel. It’s heart wrenching the pain is so deep. I’ve been enabling him for 16 years . I run whenever he’s in crisis he has no food I bring food he needs money Bc he owes people and there going to hurt him. People I’ve kicked out of his apartment that shouldn’t be there. His apartment is not even livable for a human. I’ve advocated for him with drs etc . Called adult protective services they did nothing . I’m afraid of all the things if I don’t help him . He’s been hurt by people. Idk what to do anymore I’m literally physically ill I have all kinds of medical problems extreme anxiety depression. I think about him all the time . I’m a shell of myself to the point I feel like such a failure I have two other children and my attention is always on my addicted son . He actually just called5 times in a row and I didn’t answer. Now I’m crying Bc I’m thinking of all the horrible possibilities. He goes to the store to use there phone he doesn’t have a cell phone Bc he sells them or the people he lets in his apartment steal them . I need help to and I feel selfish for that .
I hear you loudly with 3 sons of my own. It will kill you mama, you are paying the consequences for his choices. Everything youve done so far hasnt helped right? Are you in a program? You need a lot of support while you are growing through this. Ive been there Mom and it does get better when you change tbere no sense in you you both drowning. Prayers and hugs. Its the most difficult thing to go through my heart hurts for you.
I feel for you! I am in the same exact boat for the past 19 years.having a Son that's an addict and has a mental illness is the most difficult, stressful thing i have ever had to deal with! It's a complete nightmare! Big hugs! I understand! 😢😢😢😢
I just read your comment on this video. It is almost identical to my situation. You are not alone and I can feel your painful heart because I know the pain very well. We live in Los Angeles my son was homeless for five years and a year ago was stabbed and hospitalized. He was granted housing after he healed. I go to see him and bring him food and always clean his apartment. There have been times I asked people to leave because they don’t respect his place . I come back home and cry and I’m so deeply sad . It’s small steps at a time for us mothers . Our children become our own addiction. I am now doing small things for myself each day one day at a time. This may be your only child as my son is my only and I was a single parent. He is now 34. I am finding that we must give them a chance if just one thing to show them we trust them to take care of it even if it’s s phone call. If they don’t do it we can’t feel guilty and torture Ourselves . I also believe they need to see us living a life I think enabling them makes them feel they are incapable and don’t trust in their abilities. It is the hardest thing ever but I know my son wants to see me happy living a life that is rewarding as it is being who we say we want them to be. I wish you the best in this journey healing for you and your son .
My eldest son of 51 is an alcoholic since his teens. He has worked all of his adult life but has quit many many jobs over the years. He has never been married and does not have any kids thankfully. His good points are many when he is sober but once he goes on a bender he is a nightmare to be around. He gets into debt because of his drinking habits and fights too. His latest promise to the family is to go and finally get help and support from those who can help him. I hope with all my heart he finally turns his life around for the better and the good. The realistic side of me expects he won`t. I hope i am proven wrong and that he makes the biggest and best change of his life. My 2 other sons are in control of their lives and are doing well. I had my eldest son (the alcoholic) when i was just 17 yrs old and believe it to be the reason why my eldest son became an addict so early in his teens. I was not fully mature and made so many mistakes with him out of ignorance and not knowing any better or any different. His father was too soft with my son and gave in to him a lot where as i felt i had to make up for that by being too strict. What is done is done and we cannot turn back the clock and start again. I live in hope that he will finally find peace of mind and happiness because i think that many people who have addictions are good and kind people but find it hard to deal with the problems in life which gets the better of them and their only way out is to escape into a place of oblivion which solves nothing but adds to their problems. We all find our own different ways of escaping from life when our problems become too much to bear but if done in a healthy and well balanced way it can make all the difference in the world to our sanity and peace of mind. My own Dad was an alcoholic but a good father and husband. To be honest he was a nicer person when he`d been drinking than when he was sober. My mother was the most nicest and most kindest person i have ever met in my entire life and me and my five sisters were extremely fortunate to have been her daughters. My Dad had family issues when he was growing up and started drinking alcohol early in his life. His mum and dad divorced when he was very young and he had the responsibility of taking care of his mum and three sisters which must have put him under a lot of strain and pressure so i suppose his way of dealing with that was to escape into alcohol. He was never cruel or horrible and had such a kind heart. He was very protective of all of us. When we know the reason why people turn to alcohol and other addictions it all makes sense when we find out why people do what they do to survive.
Man! She knows exactly what goes on in my head! Thank you Karen! I think I may need to replay this .. like daily. Your calm manner helps me make sense out of the "senseless". We here at The Addict's Mom™ benefit so much from these videos!
In the moment that my alcoholic starts asking why is this happening to me, is when he is under the influence. If I say, “Let’s talk when your sober”, then that conversation never happens, or if I gently bring up at the sober moment, I get shut down to further conversation. Currently I move on. Is that ok to do? I don’t move on angrily, I just know that he’s not really ready.
I am exactly the same with my partner. He dosnt see that it's hurting his family. I can't talk gently with him abt this when sober either. However sometimes he does appear to be genuine but I feel he just does to keep the peace. I get the same excuses all the time. I'm sorry I love you im trying my best everyday. When he does have a break he gets the shakes. Hie has high blood pressure and over weight. His been told to CUT DOWN by his dr but binges after a few days off it. I've told my son who is 13 that if dad asks for help and decides to reach put would you support him with me he said absolutely I will. So in a few days time I'm going to randomly start the conversation infront of our son and say to his dad that we will support you when you decide to reach out for help all the way. Until then from this day when you ask me to purchase alcohol or money for it Wether it's yours or mine to buy it the answer will be know. I'm not responsible for your reaction to that.
Thank you for your insight. The bit around 9:02 onward about the dread that starts to creep in after setting boundaries or refusing to enable or be manipulated through whichever avenues is something I struggle to address properly… or the worry about … what the person may do. To themselves or others when in an extreme state… maybe I am projecting somewhat.
I am the grandmother and grandpa who have always been there because he really was abused neglected etc as a child but now at 25 we have no more to give money or emotional energy we are feeling old tired and no longer can do anymore my question is what if there isn’t and rehab in our area there isn’t he’s basically homeless now and he’s truly a broken person I’m so sick about it but we never we’re able to do enough he’s a herion addict cocaine alcohol meth been in and out of jail we are really afraid he will OD on purpose
He has to be willing to stop before any program or place will help him. If he is willing, have him quit. When withdrawals start take him to a hospital. They have to treat him. Particularly for alcohol withdrawal. Then call us 855) 274-1040
Very painful. We have a 16 year old grandson, very abused, not educated. Our daughter is a raging alcoholic and neglected both he kids. The 5 year old lives with us. We are older and dont know how long we can go on.
I have to say Alanon was a little help. But no matter where I was in the program I was not sufficiently ready to deal with his death at 36. Through texts and talks it sounded like he was trying to detox on his own.... I was extremely worried how he sounded and sent police for a wellness check when a few days went by and we couldn't reach him. They couldn't tell how long he was dead and his two little dogs were probably going nuts.
There are many variables involved to figuring out the best plan of action. We would be more than happy to help, give us a call so we can understand the situation and help assist you best moving forward.
My husband is addicted to Coke I have tried so hard to help he's in denial he doesn't want help he has destroyed me and my boy's and I have started my divorce process
I am exactly where you are ... mines been addicted for 15 years + and we have a son , and its come to a point where it's become normal to him and he sees nothing wrong with it ... 15 years is enough time to give him many chances to make that choice to change ... so I am too planning an exit plan 😢 I am just so tired of feeling this sadness knowing my partner is addicted , and wont see that eventually his health can take a turn and I dont want to be blamed for his mistakes , and get asked why didnt I do anything before it got worst ...
Karen (from the video) runs our family program where she offers loved ones guidance and solutions for setting boundaries. If you'd like to know more please give us a call and we can get you connected with her: 855-202-2138.
My 24 year old son has a drug addiction. Last summer he got clean and was great until a week ago. He relapsed. It totally changes his mental state. He sounds psychotic. He was living with us and got verbally abusive and made our home unpeaceful. A few days ago he left and is living on the streets. We see him and it breaks my heart. We have tried to get help for him and the police and courts won't or can't help because he is an adult. Telling him no and knowing he might sleep in a ditch or worse is torture for me.
It was for me too... I got so sick because I had to leave him on the streets. And he is 47! A mother's need to care for and protect her child never ends. It is so much a part of who we are, especially when they are in trouble. And we will do over and over again, and at all costs! I finally got too sick to do it any more, so I reached out to the outreach workers and I put him in God's care. This video is a life saver for me. So is the one on Codependency and Addiction. I highly recommend it! She understands us.❤
My 38 year old son is an alcoholic in advanced stages with psychosis. I had some kind of relationship with him in order to at least know of his whereabouts because he lives in his totalled van. But the worry and sporadic texts made me call an anonymous wellness check by calling 911. I requested it to be anonymous but the cop told him it was his mom who called and he is furious with me and because of this I am no longer in contact with him. I was mad at myself for a while because now I destroyed his trust in me, but honestly what it has done is release me from being strung along and having to listen to his psychotic babble and anger. He has to do the work himself, I can't save him.
Working on my codependency for a long time and this video was a blessing today 😢 My Son is a 31yr old alcoholic and his Aunt thinks it's "my turn" to let him stay here just for a night poor Dad at wits end ETC....Then it went into a tit for tat...... SO frustrating when all are not on board. This helps me REFOCUS! Just remembering to BREATHE and come from a place of intelligence not emotions. Because I reacted in defense today Ugggh. Even though I think I'm on the right track, 💥 I'm not working my program. ALWAYS learning. Coming from ACOA brings it's own challenges. I'm not in therapy right now because I've been unwell. Thankful to find videos like this. 🕊️❤️🕯️Breathe Teri. This too shall pass. 🙏✝️🙏
Your talking my Mommy mind heart and soul..broken and making changes in MY LIFE DAILY..BREATH WORK. I've REACTED WRONG FOR 60YRS..lost my 31yr old Son to drug addiction..losing my 38yr old daughter to disease of addiction and my 40yr old daughter trying to understand..I'm destroyed. Y shame guilt..I myself suffered from addiction....no is a complete sentence..I love my 600 +++ days of Alcohol Free choices and living. The disease of addiction has destroyed my family unit but never my Love ..Today I've Changed..God knows my Journey Pain Joy..no more guilt shame sadness. It's ok to let go.
Exellent tutorial thank you!! My problem has been enabling toxic behaviour, which is also an addiction. My ex was highly narcissistic, my friends just used me. I been dealing with it since childhood to the point I cant trust myself around people. I just give myself away. I ended up sick with a bunch of things at once, basically severe chronic fatigue, malaise, anhedonia. Its not worth it. Had to detox from people and heal 3 years now. Begin life again with strong boundaries and self care at the upmost. This video is really helping I have someone hounding me with an "emergency" right now that I already told I am too sick to help her right now. Now I know what to say.
Thank you so much for this. You are brilliant. I have to say no today and it’s been tearing me apart. You helped tremendously. Thank you again. Best wishes to you and your sons!
What the consequences are if they refuse to accept boundaries? Is it okay to cut them off from coming to our home as a consequence? When it becomes dangerous and they refuse treatment for 20 years is it okay that you love them from a distance? We make sure they are safe, but how to communicate if they are drunk it is a waste of time.
I am so grateful for program ... I am suffering.. I am in constant flight mode... my youngest son of four boys ... now men .. is an addict .. and things have gotten so bad... and I have done everything wrong for yrs ... I live in constant fear for my son ... I'm just so happy to find this talk ... ty.
THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS BECAUSE I AM GOING THROUGH HELL WITH MY SON'S ADDICTION I HAVEN'T SLEPT PROPERLY IN YEARS I TRY AND BE STRONG AND TRY NOT TO ENABLE BUT AS SOON AS HE IS REALLY IN A BAD WAY I COME TO HIS RESCUE AND ALL THAT HAPPENS IS WE ARE AT ODDS AGAIN ANOTHER HOLIDAY IS NULL AND VOID CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED AND NOW EASTER MY MOST PRECIOUS HOLIDAYS THAT BOTH OF MY CHILDREN ENJOYED PRACTICED AND SHARED WITH ME I HAVE CAVED OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My nephew did DIE of a heroine overdse but by God's Grace I have Peace and Thank The LORD that he is with Our LORD now. ❤ This is to encourage anyone who faced this loss just to Know that the Creator Loves them more than we do. THANK GOD
Good information but I am not sure it is reasonable to help an addict connect with addiction treatment or people who are recovered. That is totally taking on their problem. They know where to get help like all of us do.
This was so helpful for me. My daughter has been an alcoholic who seems to be addicted to abusive men too. She has lost her children and doesn’t seem to have a “rock bottom”. Thank you for letting me know I am doing the right thing now.
My daughter as well. I wish you all the best. It is so hard to deal with. We are taking care of our 5 year old grandson. He wants his mom so much. We are 65 and 70 years old and not sure how long we can do this.
Using Karen's wisdom has given me so much strength in dealing with myself. I found that I crippled my son with my constant pin-balling in dealing with him in the past. Thank you for sharing her wisdom in these videos, and for sharing her with The Addict's Mom™ group.
I love your voice and I came on this channel after being directed to another channel. I appreciate your delivery. No, is a complete sentence. I needed to hear this.
Wise and wonderful presentation. My qualifier is clean, but "fixing" my own codependence is an ongoing project. There are lots of gems in this talk. Totally worth re-watching.
I listen to this video after I have talked to my Mother who is in her 80's and has been addicted to pills her whole life. She also lives with my alcoholic brother that is in his 50's and never got sober. Today she called to ask me to go to the pharmacy and I said no unfortunately it was the angry no she talks about in the video. It helps to watch this so I can be easy on myself and hopefully do better next time. Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope! Really saved me again today from the downward spiral in my thoughts. Thank you.
Both my parents are addicts. That's how it is in the bone marrow. I became like an adult to my parents at the age of 7. I, in turn, late. When I start dating. I'm then drawn to addicts. I don't know anything else. But I do know the actual chaos in my stomach when I encounter this. So drawn to the energy in this. Only now in 50 years old seen what happens. When I encounter this. Is it that I automatically start servicing and become a doormat. My body knows before me. It remembers. But finally got the whole puzzle of life in front of me. But a painful journey to remove my father from a pedistal. See my parents for real. Is not judgmental.But can see them as children.But so glad I broke a pattern.This goes way back.Lived the same pattern as my parents but as a co-dependent.Falled together.But life has started to brighten.Seeing something different ahead. Also to never again become an abandholic and serve to my death. No more ever.
I've been I. Program for 5 years now. Still struggling but definitely helps to cope. Let go of son 3 he's doing awesome you'd think that after that I'd be ready to let go of his brother, son 2 but no, it was harder. It was easier to deny because he, when sober, seemed so normal. Now son 4 seems even more normal but he's not he has 3 addictions he's dealing with and not getting better. My heart is so sad as what im facing in letting him go. I'm exhausted going through these exhausting exercises of letting go. It's scary even with my higher power holding me. We are worth it and deserving of peace joy serenity and they deserve to be free from addictions. Be well and prayers for all of you.
Thank you for this. I have one close friend who is an alcoholic and another is a heroin addict, and I struggle with setting my boundaries and protecting myself. I want to help and support them as best I can, but giving them money etc isn't the answer. I've had a boundary crossed recently and I found it very hurtful, and I've been researching how best to move forwards. I love my friends so much. It scares me seeing them hurt themselves, but I know I can't fix it, they have to do it themselves. It doesn't help that I have my own mental health issues too 🙈
I cannot emphasize too much the importance of Al-Anon for learning how to love without enabling! I am so very thankful that a counselor suggested that Al-Anon might help me! I’m not perfect but I am making progress.
I found My son od last week i found him in his truck started cpr and mouth to mouth called 911 found him with a needle in my bathroom kicked him out my home 10 min later he hit a tree head on had to cut him out of the truck and he crushed his pelvis 8 hour surgery yesterday im at the end i dont know what else to do PLEASE HELP ME IM SOOOO SCARED
It might sound like a cliche, but when all else fails try praying. It is simply a humble admission that you can't do it by yourself and you need some help from the Lord. "Ask and you shall receive". I will pray for you and your son too. 🙏
It's not your fault...it's been 13yrs that my son has been in and out of addiction and rehabs...I've had to do cpr..have found him in both bathrooms..he also had an accident after leaving my home..I can't take much more..now there's 2 little ones that didn't ask to be born into this..mother lost custody and my son stayed clean through it all and has custody ..they live with me..the only normal they have lately...I'm so done with it all...he can't seem to take care of anything...I just keep praying and watching what I can on how to cope...I've finally made the decision to not let him effect my life anymore..he has 6 months and hopefully he knows I mean it this time..I can't let him ruin things in my life anymore...
My partner has an alcohol dependency and I have used some of the methods used such as deep breathing and removing myself for a moment. I find no very difficult. No mean no with no excuses or explanation. I think she said NO is a one word sentence and I also know that I have to learn to except that he will get angry and will not like my answer. Everytime I say no he says yes but just get 1 beer for me then however I know with time my no will be my strength and will slowly get easier to say. Thankyoy thankyou.
I am from Canada and wish you could help my family. I really loved your video. My daughter and her children live with my husband and I. Two nights ago we dropped her off at detox. She never went in and left her bags in the foyer at the detox center. We are being bombarded with text messages and phone calls. I am devastated
8:47 this hits me so hard… apologizing for wanting someone to be sober and healthy… second guessing everything. The breathing exercises have really helped!❤
Saying NO, Repeat this words to my son with his addictions is So dangerous !! But _ what All Moms will Will Do how handle it while saying NO - NO - If the reaction of your adult child wants to kill you , bitting you up to bleed until almost breaks your head brains !!! Dont take NO for answer -- then what to do ?? Not having Contact. Can Not be a option because, He has disabilities and _All Government expects Mom to continue providing Housing for your aggressive manipulative liar son then. What ??
I'm grateful for the people that want to help others but what I've learnt is that each of us, in every different moment is unique and we can't cage ourselves in a determined position, there are no specific answers that help everyone as we are all unique and in continuous movement, which means we can't follow anything set to find a solution, the solution is when you feel peace in your heart and only oneself can find that peace. The only thing I found useful for everyone is love and that love comes from within each of us.
Do you do private counseling ? Everything your talking about is exactly what Im going through with my 32 year old son who is addicted to alcohol, meth and weed. In 2019 he jumped off the Coronado Bridge in San Diego CA. He survived but ended up with a severe spinal cord injury and a crushed hand. After 4 months in the trauma unit he was released. I brought him home. And my life has been a living hell ever since. Countless rehabs where he just walks away. Numerous apartments left in shambles or calls from management not wanting him there anymore. We have sent him on so many fresh starts out of state out of pure desperation of wanting peace. Every single time within a couple weeks or maybe a month and then the cycle begins again. He uses my fear of him killing himself as a weapon to manipulate me. That part you said about when your phone rings is a trigger is so true for me too, but you gave me a few ideas about how to handle those situations that Im going to try. You gave me a different way to think about it like Im not giving him the opportunity to experience the consequences of his actions and grow. I like that. Any other advice I will surely appreciate. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. Best regards Janice
This was so helpful and exactly what I needed to hear!!!!! Thank you so much and my heart goes out to you as well. I know I have to break my co-dependency. and I want to!!! They don’t like the word no… lol! I haven’t said it very much, but I’m going to. Thank you again!!!!
I know it’s been two years since you posted this but I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. Thank you so so much. I’m a librarian and have noone who knows the struggle. Your words are priceless to me❤
All the arguments in the world couldn’t heal me! I had to go in patient 30 days, and to a sober house for 365 days! Recovered now for 15 years! It was miserable being an addict! The obsession has finally gone away! Thank God!
God bless you! Congratulations! ❤
Glory to God.
Well done❤
❤❤❤
God bless you. You give me hope for my son. ❤
My son is very sick 😢. Not a minute Not a single second do I have peace. Thank you for this 🙏❤️
I am SO very sorry! Me.Too! My "boy" is 38!!!
I'm so sorry. Its so difficult to disconnect.
I'm trying to put my worries in prays.
God bless your family.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My daughter is an alcoholic. I feel like it’s killing me.
I feel your pain.
@@conniescher3359My son has Schizoaffective. I understand. I am so sorry 🙏
Ma'am if I was in the same room as you, I would hug you. This was a big help for me today. Thank you, and God bless.
This was immensely helpful. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My adult brother is an active alcoholic, currently being enabled by my parents. There is not a day that my life is not affected in some way by this. Thank you.
I have been through hell for years and at 68 I’ve decided I want to enjoy my own life free and clear of chaos of my adult childrens’ addictions. They are not asking for help, but they don’t appear to want to fix their addiction either. I love all of them very much and it’s so hard to stand back and watch them destroy their lives. However, I do believe they have a choice to get help or not. It seems a lot of focus is what the parents can do to help their children. I love what you say Karen about putting our own oxygen mask on first… Finally.
When I have to tell my soon-to-be homeless brother that he can't live with me. Because I MUST have a chaos-free life. I will not sacrifice myself for his addictions!
@@flawlessstrategy9972 I'm in the same boat with my brother. Middle of the night calls from hospital ERs, the landlord, random nurses and social workers for the last 4 years. When I see his number pop up I feel triggered. I cannot do this anymore. On Tuesday I am taking my first vacation in 7 years and there will be no phone calls answered. After that, his number will be blocked except for a chosen 4 hr period weekly. I'll call him back if I feel like it. In the meantime...Alanon.
@@flawlessstrategy9972How are you doing?
These comments could help you sis
I'm 74 n ill. I'm going through he'll. So pleased I've discovered this channel. So alone in my private hell
Just had to do the "no" to request for money a few days ago. There was no conversation, just plunged right into the request after not communicating with me for 9 months. I know I sounded harsh, but the "no" had to cut off son's lies and manipulations. Result - he promptly hung up without a word. That told me all I needed to know. Despite double digit rehab stays, he is not really in recovery.
I realized I have to wait to respond with a family member who only texts me when they are drunk, high... It's not perfect, but responding right away just makes it way worse and digs a hole. This is helpful.
My son is an addict with severe mental illness . I have been in this codependency hampster wheel. It’s heart wrenching the pain is so deep. I’ve been enabling him for 16 years . I run whenever he’s in crisis he has no food I bring food he needs money Bc he owes people and there going to hurt him. People I’ve kicked out of his apartment that shouldn’t be there. His apartment is not even livable for a human. I’ve advocated for him with drs etc . Called adult protective services they did nothing . I’m afraid of all the things if I don’t help him . He’s been hurt by people. Idk what to do anymore I’m literally physically ill I have all kinds of medical problems extreme anxiety depression. I think about him all the time . I’m a shell of myself to the point I feel like such a failure I have two other children and my attention is always on my addicted son . He actually just called5 times in a row and I didn’t answer. Now I’m crying Bc I’m thinking of all the horrible possibilities. He goes to the store to use there phone he doesn’t have a cell phone Bc he sells them or the people he lets in his apartment steal them . I need help to and I feel selfish for that .
I hear you loudly with 3 sons of my own. It will kill you mama, you are paying the consequences for his choices. Everything youve done so far hasnt helped right? Are you in a program? You need a lot of support while you are growing through this. Ive been there Mom and it does get better when you change tbere no sense in you you both drowning. Prayers and hugs. Its the most difficult thing to go through my heart hurts for you.
Oh precious Stacy!
So much like me and so many other mammas out there.
🙏
I feel for you! I am in the same exact boat for the past 19 years.having a Son that's an addict and has a mental illness is the most difficult, stressful thing i have ever had to deal with! It's a complete nightmare! Big hugs! I understand! 😢😢😢😢
I just read your comment on this video. It is almost identical to my situation. You are not alone and I can feel your painful heart because I know the pain very well. We live in Los Angeles my son was homeless for five years and a year ago was stabbed and hospitalized. He was granted housing after he healed. I go to see him and bring him food and always clean his apartment. There have been times I asked people to leave because they don’t respect his place . I come back home and cry and I’m so deeply sad .
It’s small steps at a time for us mothers . Our children become our own addiction. I am now doing small things for myself each day one day at a time. This may be your only child as my son is my only and I was a single parent. He is now 34. I am finding that we must give them a chance if just one thing to show them we trust them to take care of it even if it’s s phone call. If they don’t do it we can’t feel guilty and torture Ourselves . I also believe they need to see us living a life I think enabling them makes them feel they are incapable and don’t trust in their abilities. It is the hardest thing ever but I know my son wants to see me happy living a life that is rewarding as it is being who we say we want them to be. I wish you the best in this journey healing for you and your son .
There is no half way with addicts. You have to draw a line in the sand and say don't cross it. The consequences are dire... you'll die.
This is excellent advice. My son is an addict, liar, user and cheat. At 40 years old, he is going nowhere with his life, except the grave.
My eldest son of 51 is an alcoholic since his teens. He has worked all of his adult life but has quit many many jobs over the years. He has never been married and does not have any kids thankfully. His good points are many when he is sober but once he goes on a bender he is a nightmare to be around. He gets into debt because of his drinking habits and fights too. His latest promise to the family is to go and finally get help and support from those who can help him. I hope with all my heart he finally turns his life around for the better and the good. The realistic side of me expects he won`t. I hope i am proven wrong and that he makes the biggest and best change of his life. My 2 other sons are in control of their lives and are doing well. I had my eldest son (the alcoholic) when i was just 17 yrs old and believe it to be the reason why my eldest son became an addict so early in his teens. I was not fully mature and made so many mistakes with him out of ignorance and not knowing any better or any different. His father was too soft with my son and gave in to him a lot where as i felt i had to make up for that by being too strict. What is done is done and we cannot turn back the clock and start again. I live in hope that he will finally find peace of mind and happiness because i think that many people who have addictions are good and kind people but find it hard to deal with the problems in life which gets the better of them and their only way out is to escape into a place of oblivion which solves nothing but adds to their problems. We all find our own different ways of escaping from life when our problems become too much to bear but if done in a healthy and well balanced way it can make all the difference in the world to our sanity and peace of mind. My own Dad was an alcoholic but a good father and husband. To be honest he was a nicer person when he`d been drinking than when he was sober. My mother was the most nicest and most kindest person i have ever met in my entire life and me and my five sisters were extremely fortunate to have been her daughters. My Dad had family issues when he was growing up and started drinking alcohol early in his life. His mum and dad divorced when he was very young and he had the responsibility of taking care of his mum and three sisters which must have put him under a lot of strain and pressure so i suppose his way of dealing with that was to escape into alcohol. He was never cruel or horrible and had such a kind heart. He was very protective of all of us. When we know the reason why people turn to alcohol and other addictions it all makes sense when we find out why people do what they do to survive.
Man! She knows exactly what goes on in my head! Thank you Karen! I think I may need to replay this .. like daily. Your calm manner helps me make sense out of the "senseless". We here at The Addict's Mom™ benefit so much from these videos!
Kim, karen also runs a parent group that is open to the public. IF you would like more information you can message admissions@treehouserecovery.com
@@TreeHouseRecoveryYou were recommended by my therapist. Thank you
Oh my gosh. Karen's videos have changed my life. Literally saved me from insanity.
I needed to hear every single word of this thank you
This is helpful even in other situations that a parent can be enabling.
In the moment that my alcoholic starts asking why is this happening to me, is when he is under the influence. If I say, “Let’s talk when your sober”, then that conversation never happens, or if I gently bring up at the sober moment, I get shut down to further conversation. Currently I move on. Is that ok to do? I don’t move on angrily, I just know that he’s not really ready.
blame game, the world is against me, give em a reason to drink/use, for the rest of us that face life sober, it's disgusting
I am exactly the same with my partner. He dosnt see that it's hurting his family. I can't talk gently with him abt this when sober either. However sometimes he does appear to be genuine but I feel he just does to keep the peace. I get the same excuses all the time. I'm sorry I love you im trying my best everyday. When he does have a break he gets the shakes. Hie has high blood pressure and over weight. His been told to CUT DOWN by his dr but binges after a few days off it. I've told my son who is 13 that if dad asks for help and decides to reach put would you support him with me he said absolutely I will. So in a few days time I'm going to randomly start the conversation infront of our son and say to his dad that we will support you when you decide to reach out for help all the way. Until then from this day when you ask me to purchase alcohol or money for it Wether it's yours or mine to buy it the answer will be know. I'm not responsible for your reaction to that.
Thank you soo very much 💓. This has helped, makes me understand my self. You hit the nail on the head 👏 🙄 ❤
Thank you so much! This is extremelly helpful!
Well done ~ well said ‼️
Thank you for your insight. The bit around 9:02 onward about the dread that starts to creep in after setting boundaries or refusing to enable or be manipulated through whichever avenues is something I struggle to address properly… or the worry about … what the person may do. To themselves or others when in an extreme state… maybe I am projecting somewhat.
Wow!!! That was powerful
I'm sick to my stomach I'm scared my grown son and daughter are going to die
I cried through this whole thing.
Thank you ,🕊🙏
Thankyou for sharing this video its been Very insightful
You didnt cause it, you cant change it & you cant cure it. Show them what a happy life is by making your life smile.
many thanks.
Bix breathing ...Yes!!
Thank you!
Thank you ❤
What if you are afraid that they might kill themself?
Thank you!!!!
I am the grandmother and grandpa who have always been there because he really was abused neglected etc as a child but now at 25 we have no more to give money or emotional energy we are feeling old tired and no longer can do anymore my question is what if there isn’t and rehab in our area there isn’t he’s basically homeless now and he’s truly a broken person I’m so sick about it but we never we’re able to do enough he’s a herion addict cocaine alcohol meth been in and out of jail we are really afraid he will OD on purpose
He has to be willing to stop before any program or place will help him. If he is willing, have him quit. When withdrawals start take him to a hospital. They have to treat him. Particularly for alcohol withdrawal. Then call us 855) 274-1040
😢 (hugs to you)
Very painful. We have a 16 year old grandson, very abused, not educated. Our daughter is a raging alcoholic and neglected both he kids. The 5 year old lives with us. We are older and dont know how long we can go on.
I'm wondering if there is an equivalent organization for addicted daughters. Different relationship altogether between mothers and daughters.
Addiction is addiction. Doesn’t matter about the gender.
My sick adult child is my beautiful (I can't say smart right now) 30 yr old daughter.
I have to say Alanon was a little help.
But no matter where I was in the program I was not sufficiently ready to deal with his death at 36. Through texts and talks it sounded like he was trying to detox on his own.... I was extremely worried how he sounded and sent police for a wellness check when a few days went by and we couldn't reach him. They couldn't tell how long he was dead and his two little dogs were probably going nuts.
NO
My friend is struggling he feels like i talk down to him or have pity for him how do i help him
And if they dont accept no and get abusive ?
There are many variables involved to figuring out the best plan of action. We would be more than happy to help, give us a call so we can understand the situation and help assist you best moving forward.
Amber Hollingsworth
Can you elaborate?
My husband is addicted to Coke I have tried so hard to help he's in denial he doesn't want help he has destroyed me and my boy's and I have started my divorce process
We're so sorry to hear that. If you want to see him get the help he needs, give us a call and we can try to assist in any way possible. 855-202-2138
I am exactly where you are ... mines been addicted for 15 years + and we have a son , and its come to a point where it's become normal to him and he sees nothing wrong with it ... 15 years is enough time to give him many chances to make that choice to change ... so I am too planning an exit plan 😢 I am just so tired of feeling this sadness knowing my partner is addicted , and wont see that eventually his health can take a turn and I dont want to be blamed for his mistakes , and get asked why didnt I do anything before it got worst ...
My sister is a fentanyl addict I had to throw her out of my house because she begging for money
I cave all the time.
Karen (from the video) runs our family program where she offers loved ones guidance and solutions for setting boundaries. If you'd like to know more please give us a call and we can get you connected with her: 855-202-2138.
13:44
ME
🌐
"Honesty without compassion is brutal. Compassion without honesty is enabling."
My 24 year old son has a drug addiction. Last summer he got clean and was great until a week ago. He relapsed. It totally changes his mental state. He sounds psychotic. He was living with us and got verbally abusive and made our home unpeaceful. A few days ago he left and is living on the streets. We see him and it breaks my heart. We have tried to get help for him and the police and courts won't or can't help because he is an adult. Telling him no and knowing he might sleep in a ditch or worse is torture for me.
Sorry
It was for me too... I got so sick because I had to leave him on the streets. And he is 47! A mother's need to care for and protect her child never ends. It is so much a part of who we are, especially when they are in trouble. And we will do over and over again, and at all costs! I finally got too sick to do it any more, so I reached out to the outreach workers and I put him in God's care. This video is a life saver for me. So is the one on Codependency and Addiction. I highly recommend it! She understands us.❤
My son has just become homeless from drug addiction… thank you & God Bless you all for sharing here … I need you so much. My heart is aching 😭😭😭
I will pray for you. @@tracylh
My 38 year old son is an alcoholic in advanced stages with psychosis. I had some kind of relationship with him in order to at least know of his whereabouts because he lives in his totalled van. But the worry and sporadic texts made me call an anonymous wellness check by calling 911. I requested it to be anonymous but the cop told him it was his mom who called and he is furious with me and because of this I am no longer in contact with him. I was mad at myself for a while because now I destroyed his trust in me, but honestly what it has done is release me from being strung along and having to listen to his psychotic babble and anger. He has to do the work himself, I can't save him.
I find that saying no is easy, the hard part for me is remaining calm and respectful when people have no respect for my bonderies
Never bring your kids down.. Lift them up.. Show them love.. Pray to Jesus..
My son is set free..
I’m going to watch this everyday till it sticks in my head
I feel you on this one
Amen
Same
"You are dealing with an addiction that is not reasonable", LOVE THAT! "Compassion without honesty is enabling". WOW!
it's the yelling and bullying and name-calling until he gets his way... that's so hard, and he won't move out.
You should definitely give us a call. We can help. (855) 202-2138
The hardest part is getting help when it cost so much money
I feel for the people with sick children.
Working on my codependency for a long time and this video was a blessing today 😢 My Son is a 31yr old alcoholic and his Aunt thinks it's "my turn" to let him stay here just for a night poor Dad at wits end ETC....Then it went into a tit for tat...... SO frustrating when all are not on board. This helps me REFOCUS! Just remembering to BREATHE and come from a place of intelligence not emotions. Because I reacted in defense today Ugggh. Even though I think I'm on the right track, 💥 I'm not working my program. ALWAYS learning. Coming from ACOA brings it's own challenges. I'm not in therapy right now because I've been unwell. Thankful to find videos like this. 🕊️❤️🕯️Breathe Teri. This too shall pass. 🙏✝️🙏
Your talking my Mommy mind heart and soul..broken and making changes in MY LIFE DAILY..BREATH WORK. I've REACTED WRONG FOR 60YRS..lost my 31yr old Son to drug addiction..losing my 38yr old daughter to disease of addiction and my 40yr old daughter trying to understand..I'm destroyed. Y shame guilt..I myself suffered from addiction....no is a complete sentence..I love my 600 +++ days of Alcohol Free choices and living. The disease of addiction has destroyed my family unit but never my Love ..Today I've Changed..God knows my Journey Pain Joy..no more guilt shame sadness. It's ok to let go.
Ty I really needed this video. I have son on fentanyl, meth. 😢
Exellent tutorial thank you!!
My problem has been enabling toxic behaviour, which is also an addiction. My ex was highly narcissistic, my friends just used me. I been dealing with it since childhood to the point I cant trust myself around people. I just give myself away. I ended up sick with a bunch of things at once, basically severe chronic fatigue, malaise, anhedonia. Its not worth it. Had to detox from people and heal 3 years now. Begin life again with strong boundaries and self care at the upmost. This video is really helping I have someone hounding me with an "emergency" right now that I already told I am too sick to help her right now. Now I know what to say.
" I love you. I care about you. NO "
Thank you so much for this. You are brilliant. I have to say no today and it’s been tearing me apart. You helped tremendously. Thank you again. Best wishes to you and your sons!
What the consequences are if they refuse to accept boundaries? Is it okay to cut them off from coming to our home as a consequence? When it becomes dangerous and they refuse treatment for 20 years is it okay that you love them from a distance? We make sure they are safe, but how to communicate if they are drunk it is a waste of time.
I'm in the same boat. Peace is something scarce for me. I feel like I'm living in a dark deep hole!
This is one of the best videos I've seen on this❤️
I am so grateful for program ... I am suffering.. I am in constant flight mode... my youngest son of four boys ... now men .. is an addict .. and things have gotten so bad... and I have done everything wrong for yrs ... I live in constant fear for my son ... I'm just so happy to find this talk ... ty.
How can we help?
THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS BECAUSE I AM GOING THROUGH HELL WITH MY SON'S ADDICTION I HAVEN'T SLEPT PROPERLY IN YEARS I TRY AND BE STRONG AND TRY NOT TO ENABLE BUT AS SOON AS HE IS REALLY IN A BAD WAY I COME TO HIS RESCUE AND ALL THAT HAPPENS IS WE ARE AT ODDS AGAIN ANOTHER HOLIDAY IS NULL AND VOID CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED AND NOW EASTER MY MOST PRECIOUS HOLIDAYS THAT BOTH OF MY CHILDREN ENJOYED PRACTICED AND SHARED WITH ME I HAVE CAVED OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My story also….. just trying to figure it all out and what to do. It’s an emotional roller coaster. I pray for strength & peace!
No is a complete sentence. Exactly!
Your a really smart lady.
Karen is vary wise. We are glad she is on the Tree House Recovery team. Thanks you for your comment.
My nephew did DIE of a heroine overdse but by God's Grace I have Peace and Thank The LORD that he is with Our LORD now. ❤ This is to encourage anyone who faced this loss just to Know that the Creator Loves them more than we do. THANK GOD
Good information but I am not sure it is reasonable to help an addict connect with addiction treatment or people who are recovered. That is totally taking on their problem. They know where to get help like all of us do.
This was so helpful for me. My daughter has been an alcoholic who seems to be addicted to abusive men too. She has lost her children and doesn’t seem to have a “rock bottom”. Thank you for letting me know I am doing the right thing now.
My daughter as well. I wish you all the best. It is so hard to deal with. We are taking care of our 5 year old grandson. He wants his mom so much. We are 65 and 70 years old and not sure how long we can do this.
This truth hurts, but I will do what you ask as I want my son to live.
Using Karen's wisdom has given me so much strength in dealing with myself. I found that I crippled my son with my constant pin-balling in dealing with him in the past. Thank you for sharing her wisdom in these videos, and for sharing her with The Addict's Mom™ group.
karen also runs a parent group that is open to the public. IF you would like more information you can message admissions@treehouserecovery.com
I love your voice and I came on this channel after being directed to another channel. I appreciate your delivery. No, is a complete sentence. I needed to hear this.
We are happy to hear this video is helpful.
Wise and wonderful presentation. My qualifier is clean, but "fixing" my own codependence is an ongoing project. There are lots of gems in this talk. Totally worth re-watching.
The Fatherless.
The Cult of No.
He wants to hear it.
-King Stupid
Very wise advice "let me think about it" then construct a "no". Thank you.
I listen to this video after I have talked to my Mother who is in her 80's and has been addicted to pills her whole life. She also lives with my alcoholic brother that is in his 50's and never got sober. Today she called to ask me to go to the pharmacy and I said no unfortunately it was the angry no she talks about in the video. It helps to watch this so I can be easy on myself and hopefully do better next time. Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope! Really saved me again today from the downward spiral in my thoughts. Thank you.
This was good information to learn how to say no period
Both my parents are addicts. That's how it is in the bone marrow. I became like an adult to my parents at the age of 7. I, in turn, late. When I start dating. I'm then drawn to addicts. I don't know anything else. But I do know the actual chaos in my stomach when I encounter this. So drawn to the energy in this. Only now in 50 years old seen what happens. When I encounter this. Is it that I automatically start servicing and become a doormat. My body knows before me. It remembers. But finally got the whole puzzle of life in front of me. But a painful journey to remove my father from a pedistal. See my parents for real. Is not judgmental.But can see them as children.But so glad I broke a pattern.This goes way back.Lived the same pattern as my parents but as a co-dependent.Falled together.But life has started to brighten.Seeing something different ahead. Also to never again become an abandholic and serve to my death. No more ever.
Wow this story is totally like mine
Thankyou so much. I'm so glad to have stumbled upon you. I've had 20 years with a son who is an alcoholic ❤❤❤
I've been I. Program for 5 years now. Still struggling but definitely helps to cope. Let go of son 3 he's doing awesome you'd think that after that I'd be ready to let go of his brother, son 2 but no, it was harder. It was easier to deny because he, when sober, seemed so normal. Now son 4 seems even more normal but he's not he has 3 addictions he's dealing with and not getting better. My heart is so sad as what im facing in letting him go. I'm exhausted going through these exhausting exercises of letting go. It's scary even with my higher power holding me. We are worth it and deserving of peace joy serenity and they deserve to be free from addictions. Be well and prayers for all of you.
Lifting you up in prayer 🙏✝️🙏
Thank you for this. I have one close friend who is an alcoholic and another is a heroin addict, and I struggle with setting my boundaries and protecting myself. I want to help and support them as best I can, but giving them money etc isn't the answer. I've had a boundary crossed recently and I found it very hurtful, and I've been researching how best to move forwards. I love my friends so much. It scares me seeing them hurt themselves, but I know I can't fix it, they have to do it themselves. It doesn't help that I have my own mental health issues too 🙈
I cannot emphasize too much the importance of Al-Anon for learning how to love without enabling! I am so very thankful that a counselor suggested that Al-Anon might help me! I’m not perfect but I am making progress.
Thank you for sharing your hard won wisdom. We see your strength and hard won love and caring help for us.
You are so welcome.
❤ Thank you so so much for sharing.
I found My son od last week i found him in his truck started cpr and mouth to mouth called 911 found him with a needle in my bathroom kicked him out my home 10 min later he hit a tree head on had to cut him out of the truck and he crushed his pelvis 8 hour surgery yesterday im at the end i dont know what else to do PLEASE HELP ME IM SOOOO SCARED
I am so sorry about this. I know the fear.
It might sound like a cliche, but when all else fails try praying. It is simply a humble admission that you can't do it by yourself and you need some help from the Lord. "Ask and you shall receive". I will pray for you and your son too. 🙏
@@Mar--Mar I do pray all the time also
It's not your fault...it's been 13yrs that my son has been in and out of addiction and rehabs...I've had to do cpr..have found him in both bathrooms..he also had an accident after leaving my home..I can't take much more..now there's 2 little ones that didn't ask to be born into this..mother lost custody and my son stayed clean through it all and has custody ..they live with me..the only normal they have lately...I'm so done with it all...he can't seem to take care of anything...I just keep praying and watching what I can on how to cope...I've finally made the decision to not let him effect my life anymore..he has 6 months and hopefully he knows I mean it this time..I can't let him ruin things in my life anymore...
My partner has an alcohol dependency and I have used some of the methods used such as deep breathing and removing myself for a moment. I find no very difficult. No mean no with no excuses or explanation. I think she said NO is a one word sentence and I also know that I have to learn to except that he will get angry and will not like my answer. Everytime I say no he says yes but just get 1 beer for me then however I know with time my no will be my strength and will slowly get easier to say. Thankyoy thankyou.
We can help you and your partner. Call us anytime.
So helpful!
Thank you very much. This helps a lot
I am from Canada and wish you could help my family. I really loved your video. My daughter and her children live with my husband and I. Two nights ago we dropped her off at detox. She never went in and left her bags in the foyer at the detox center. We are being bombarded with text messages and phone calls. I am devastated
😢
So sorry for your pain. Hang in there,you are not alone.
8:47 this hits me so hard… apologizing for wanting someone to be sober and healthy… second guessing everything. The breathing exercises have really helped!❤
Saying NO, Repeat this words to my son with his addictions is So dangerous !!
But _ what All Moms will Will Do how handle it while saying NO - NO - If the reaction of your adult child wants to kill you , bitting you up to bleed until almost breaks your head brains !!! Dont take NO for answer -- then what to do ?? Not having Contact. Can Not be a option because, He has disabilities and _All Government expects Mom to continue providing Housing for your aggressive manipulative liar son then. What ??
💙
Your video by far has been the most helpful and practical video I've seen. Thank you!!!!
I'm grateful for the people that want to help others but what I've learnt is that each of us, in every different moment is unique and we can't cage ourselves in a determined position, there are no specific answers that help everyone as we are all unique and in continuous movement, which means we can't follow anything set to find a solution, the solution is when you feel peace in your heart and only oneself can find that peace. The only thing I found useful for everyone is love and that love comes from within each of us.
Very powerful.. thank you…!
Glad you getting value from this information!
Do you do private counseling ? Everything your talking about is exactly what Im going through with my 32 year old son who is addicted to alcohol, meth and weed. In 2019 he jumped off the Coronado Bridge in San Diego CA. He survived but ended up with a severe spinal cord injury and a crushed hand. After 4 months in the trauma unit he was released. I brought him home. And my life has been a living hell ever since. Countless rehabs where he just walks away. Numerous apartments left in shambles or calls from management not wanting him there anymore. We have sent him on so many fresh starts out of state out of pure desperation of wanting peace. Every single time within a couple weeks or maybe a month and then the cycle begins again. He uses my fear of him killing himself as a weapon to manipulate me. That part you said about when your phone rings is a trigger is so true for me too, but you gave me a few ideas about how to handle those situations that Im going to try. You gave me a different way to think about it like Im not giving him the opportunity to experience the consequences of his actions and grow. I like that. Any other advice I will surely appreciate. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. Best regards Janice
This was so helpful and exactly what I needed to hear!!!!! Thank you so much and my heart goes out to you as well. I know I have to break my co-dependency. and I want to!!! They don’t like the word no… lol! I haven’t said it very much, but I’m going to. Thank you again!!!!
Thank you for this. My fiancé is in recovery after relapsing in sober living. I appreciate you & this passage ❤
I need help I can't help them cause my help is enabling them
Call us any time (855) 202-2138. We are here to help.
how can i change myself? he has a lot of beer in the outside refrigerator, can i throw it away, he will be very mad,
Thank you
I tell my Daughter if she wants AB orC she can come home and get clean and she can have those things i.e. pizza
This was such a good reminder. So affirming. And you’re right. We don’t have to do this alone. ❤️
Thank you!❤
I know it’s been two years since you posted this but I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. Thank you so so much. I’m a librarian and have noone who knows the struggle. Your words are priceless to me❤