Great video! Attachment theory is fascinating. I lost my mom at 5 and then quickly got a stepmother who was abusive and wasn’t able to have closure for my mom until I graduated Highschool. I’m 28 now and still have an avoidant personality with friends but I’m now dating an avoidant girl who’s triggering deep seated abandonment issues from my mom’s death. I really haven’t made sense of this until writing this comment. Maybe a journal would help lol.
Thank you for sharing! Our childhoods exert disproportional influence in shaping us into who we are, but the good news is we are not limited by our past. Moving to secure is baby steps, and I'm rooting for you!
Thank you, and very kind of you to say that! I just started the channel not very long ago, but hopefully, eventually, we will reach more people. As a parental abuse survivor who later also went through some not-go-great relationships, I hope to share what I've learned to help people avoid mistakes and short cut to healthy relationships!
The best advice you gave me was to actually ask for what I want. When I do that (very calmly) he responds well. Because he can tell when I’m sort of hinting, and he will say I’m trying to change him. Straightforward is best, just nicely.
Yes. We can say almost anything in a relationship if we say it the right way. Asking for what we want takes courage because there is always a risk the other person would say no, but it is the way to go about having our needs met in a healthy way. Well done!
#1 my gf's from a traditional chinese family and her mother abused her physically and mentally, dad was a loser who beat her mum and walked out on them. Understanding this and learning about attachment styles has really helped me empathise and stop taking the weird behaviour personally. Great video, I'll check out your others. P.s your energy is really calming and motherly pls be my mother
Thank you for the compliment. You're very wise to not take other people's bad behavior personally. Often, people behave poorly when something happening now is reminding them of something of the past, so they are not really here, but back in time.
@@LifeIsLoveSchool Thanks for the reply, yeah it was quite unsettling at first and there had been warning signs even when we just started chatting for the first time, I really empathise with her and love her immensely and will try to work through these problems with her. In your experience/from what you've heard, how well is it usually received when someone tell their partner they have an avoidant attachment style?
@@Nutmegp It depends on whether that partner is someone who is self-reflective, willing to own their faults, and is receptive to input, and many more factors. It's not in your control, unfortunately. "You cannot give something to someone that they do not want."
@@LifeIsLoveSchool that's hard to determine is she as very defensive but I'd like to think that by explaining calmly and telling her that I understand and don't judge her for what happened and how she behaves sometimes, maybe she could come round to it. I'll try to pick a good time for the discussion
This was helpful. Subconsciously, I resort to protest behavior because it's self-soothing? But I gotta catch myself in those moments because as you mentioned, it may result in the behaviors we don't want to see in our partners
I’m happy for you, because once you are aware, you are able to make changes. Just take one step at a time, and make small tweaks as you go. Relationship skills are just like any skill; the more you practice and learn from each exchange, the better you get 💕
Thank you! You definitely described my attachment style and behaviors well. My so is a DA and occasionally he exhibits protest behaviors (I’ve recently noticed) and tests me. Is that common? Mirroring?
You are welcome! Research shows that people low in perceived partner care and interpersonal confidence test their partners more. So it is understandable that just like AA, DA could resort more often to testing behavior to check that their partner is there for them. How do you handle the situation when he is testing you?
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Great video! Attachment theory is fascinating.
I lost my mom at 5 and then quickly got a stepmother who was abusive and wasn’t able to have closure for my mom until I graduated Highschool. I’m 28 now and still have an avoidant personality with friends but I’m now dating an avoidant girl who’s triggering deep seated abandonment issues from my mom’s death. I really haven’t made sense of this until writing this comment. Maybe a journal would help lol.
Thank you for sharing! Our childhoods exert disproportional influence in shaping us into who we are, but the good news is we are not limited by our past. Moving to secure is baby steps, and I'm rooting for you!
This was one of the best videos I've seen on this subject. I'm amazed there aren't more views
Thank you, and very kind of you to say that! I just started the channel not very long ago, but hopefully, eventually, we will reach more people. As a parental abuse survivor who later also went through some not-go-great relationships, I hope to share what I've learned to help people avoid mistakes and short cut to healthy relationships!
The best advice you gave me was to actually ask for what I want. When I do that (very calmly) he responds well. Because he can tell when I’m sort of hinting, and he will say I’m trying to change him. Straightforward is best, just nicely.
Yes. We can say almost anything in a relationship if we say it the right way. Asking for what we want takes courage because there is always a risk the other person would say no, but it is the way to go about having our needs met in a healthy way.
Well done!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I needed this content!
You are very welcome!
#1 my gf's from a traditional chinese family and her mother abused her physically and mentally, dad was a loser who beat her mum and walked out on them. Understanding this and learning about attachment styles has really helped me empathise and stop taking the weird behaviour personally. Great video, I'll check out your others. P.s your energy is really calming and motherly pls be my mother
Thank you for the compliment. You're very wise to not take other people's bad behavior personally. Often, people behave poorly when something happening now is reminding them of something of the past, so they are not really here, but back in time.
@@LifeIsLoveSchool Thanks for the reply, yeah it was quite unsettling at first and there had been warning signs even when we just started chatting for the first time, I really empathise with her and love her immensely and will try to work through these problems with her. In your experience/from what you've heard, how well is it usually received when someone tell their partner they have an avoidant attachment style?
@@Nutmegp It depends on whether that partner is someone who is self-reflective, willing to own their faults, and is receptive to input, and many more factors. It's not in your control, unfortunately.
"You cannot give something to someone that they do not want."
@@LifeIsLoveSchool that's hard to determine is she as very defensive but I'd like to think that by explaining calmly and telling her that I understand and don't judge her for what happened and how she behaves sometimes, maybe she could come round to it. I'll try to pick a good time for the discussion
What a great video, thank you!
Thank you for the kind compliment :-)
You are doing such amazing work, so helpful, so professional, and so beneficial to people's lives, especially mine!!! 🙏
Thank you Fahlman, I appreciate your feedback very much! Feel free to let me know what type of contents you'd like to see more!
Thanks so much for the information, I have been putting up the protest behaviour lately and it doesn't end well 😭😭
That's good insight! We can't change before we see, so congratulations!
This was helpful. Subconsciously, I resort to protest behavior because it's self-soothing? But I gotta catch myself in those moments because as you mentioned, it may result in the behaviors we don't want to see in our partners
I’m happy for you, because once you are aware, you are able to make changes. Just take one step at a time, and make small tweaks as you go. Relationship skills are just like any skill; the more you practice and learn from each exchange, the better you get 💕
Great information
Thank you!
Thank you! You definitely described my attachment style and behaviors well. My so is a DA and occasionally he exhibits protest behaviors (I’ve recently noticed) and tests me. Is that common? Mirroring?
You are welcome!
Research shows that people low in perceived partner care and interpersonal confidence
test their partners more. So it is understandable that just like AA, DA could resort more often to testing behavior to check that their partner is there for them.
How do you handle the situation when he is testing you?
do you do any coachng ?