Don't Let Your Partner Blame You for Their CPTSD TRIGGERS
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
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People who endured abuse and neglect in childhood can be strongly triggered as adults; sometimes they blame YOU, their partner, for the harsh emotions and sense of hopelessness. In this video I talk about some causes of these triggers, and why it's important that you NOT take responsibility for fixing them.
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Warning: If you’re not interested in recovering, whatever you do, don’t do the daily practice!, or listen with an open mind. Because if you do, for sure you’ll start to improve.
LOL!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy p
Because being condescending helps those suffering.
Got it.
You described exactly why I’m on the brink of leaving my marriage. I’m being expected to be responsible to tiptoe around her triggers. As a result I can’t share what I’m feeling, register complaints or express a need. I’ve shut down and resentment is building. That’s not the only issue but it’s a major one
I was in a relationship that wound up being one where she broke up with me almost on a weekly basis. She has CPTSD, and yes everything you said is true in my case. I could never say what was upsetting, in her actions, but she had no issues saying what I did to upset her. I had to walk on eggshells and words in sentences were picked apart. One wrong word and I could get a healthy dose of the silent treatment.
Thank you for your content. Did you put together a course for couples as mentioned in the video? If so, where will I find the information? Thank you.
Did you share this video with her? I'm in a relationship and am considering trying that.
@PB-md3nt what you describe is exactly what I'm going through, he's controlling over fears of cheating, expects the eggshell treatment and breaks up with me weekly. I'm on my last leg, gonna send him this video and see how that goes. I know one thing... I'm not losing myself in another relationship.
@@i..am.. She wasn't very receptive of it of course. Thinks I'm labeling her with some form of a disorder, which she honestly has.
We try to love them back to health, like we tried with our disordered parent, but we can't, we couldn't heal our parent and we couldn't heal our disordered partner. The only person we can heal is ourselves!
100%
It really is all we have control over!
What I've found to be extremely difficult is distinguishing whether it's my partner who is being triggered and unreasonable about it, or whether it's ME who is being triggered and unreasonable about whatever she's saying or doing. Then we get into these insane and impossible arguments, and it becomes this hopeless power struggle where nobody's perspective gets heard. Actually I often FEEL like I get and reflect her perspective, but it makes no difference. Other times her perspective feels so painfully damning that I can't deal with it, even though it may contain a degree of truth. It is crazy making because these interactions call into question my whole sense of reality, my sense of who I am, my self worth, and the viability of the relationship. AHH!
Yes! It is SO like that! There is a way forward. Please have a look at my Daily Practice course (it's free, it's in the description section). Even if just one person is doing it, it can begin to loosen the crazy cycle.
I have been in this exact place that you describe. Am feeling your pain. I never learned how to handle it while in the relationship. Had to get away to heal.
@@sarahgerman8593 +1 exactly!
Wow exactly.
OMG!!! so true! I have been SO thirsty for help about trying to see and act on the truth of any argument between myself and my CPTSD hubs, who is in a fog of denial.
I agree that this is the right response IF we can assume that the letter is written by someone with adequate self-awareness. I do wonder, though, whether there is ALSO an element of denial going on. My husband has long insisted that he had a happy loving childhood, but he has all the earmarks of cPTSD, his confidence and our relationship immediately regressed when his mother moved in with us, and he is only now starting to realize how harmful it was for him to grow up in a house with parents who didn't communicate, where guilt was the primary motivator and avoidance the primary coping mechanism, where family members spent most of their time in separate rooms and the house was too messy for any friends to come over or family gatherings to occur, with unpredictable routines, etc. There may well be patterns of abuse that the letter-writer is not admitting to. While his wife DOES indeed need to deal with the fact that those things are triggering her, she may ALSO be completely reasonable in pointing out that some of the behaviors that are triggering her are unhealhty for EVERYONE.
Adequate self-awareness is pretty subjective; Anna felt this was a great question to field as many abused people can uncouncoulsy be abusing those around them & this will always block their own healing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I completely agree. I am in fact very sorry for his wife. I myself have a CPTSD but I manage my life in a very good way. I have many good, sincere and emphatic friends, who never triggers me. Never. But when I try to find a partner for myself it seems that I always chose someone who tells me „i had perfect childhood” (I think it is a very rare thing, most people who says this deny something they don’t want to see) and they are very cruel for me blaming me for everything, saying that I am over sensitive. Why loving partner is not able to stop certain comments, behaviours, knowing that it hurts? Why? I am able to do it if someone close to me is really sensitive and traumatised. Why not to be gentle and loving instead of being cold and strict, just telling „well, it is your problem, I don’t want to listen about it anymore”? Specially if the person i trying really hard and apart from being very sensitive, is a good, loving person.
I really don’t understand. And for the first time I don’t agree with Anna.
For me, when I got triggered (I felt rejected, not respected, not heard) THE ONLY thing the person could do was to talk to me with love, to hug me, to be emphatic and warm. That is it. Instead of blamming and rejecting. me. I have to add that I am working on myself very hard for a long time and I think that I am healthier and healthier. But for sure this kind of approach which Anna teach in this video would never help me. Never. I think loving someone means that you can take into account your partner’s wound. This is part of love.
In my opinion this family is very cruel for this woman. And she is alone in this situation. It must be very, very hard for her.
@@Lifetimelearningisbrave yes. Aside from his assertion that ADHD is 100% trauma-based (as opposed to being a normal and necessary variation in human neurology which is particularly susceptible to and is triggered into dysfunctional maladaptation by trauma), I think Gabor Mate is pretty much spot-on with just about everything. He is a deep, logical thinker and gentle, caring healer whose work deserves to be a greater part of the discussion than it is for mental and physical health practitioners, sociologists, educators, and policy makers.
So true!!!
I tell him my triggers and I swear, he uses every one of them. I walk away. I refuse to engage.
This reminds me of these words of wisdom: you don't' have to show up to every fight you're invited to.
DIsengaging sounds genius to me :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
That's a narcissistic abuse tactic Roxanne. Be careful x
@@altinjpn 💯
Sounds like opportunities to practice not engaging.
@@altinjpn yes. Narcissistic people enjoy hurting people for fun. Same with this letter today. It’s so focused on others and not the original poster. I doubt this letter. Sounds like a well informed manipulation to me and I’m probably projecting;-). So, who knows
I’m the one who for years was the yelling, screaming, verbally abusing one.
My only defense it’s my Fight mode. I’ve been in fight mode for 30+years.
I’m just discovering what actually triggers me with therapy. I’m also starting EMDR. I loathe who I become when triggered.
I’ve only asked my family for forgiveness for the past and grace as I work through this.
My journey started when one of your videos came up on my TH-cam. Thank you.
This is amazing. You are doing a great job. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is me! I just learned about EMDR and want so much to begin!!
Unfortunately, someone from a “loving, happy” childhood with no issues, does not match up with a person with active, unhealed CPTSD. Nope, sorry, that doesn’t happen. He needs to look at himself as well and get into therapy to find out why he chose to marry someone like this. What I’m saying is, it’s not just her. It never is ✨
Absolutely! He’s projecting onto her his own behavior and feelings without realizing... it’s hard to say look in the mirror online. Anna noticed it too and very discreetly brushed on it. I hope our comments will push through:-)
Anna gets dozens of letters every week from people offering their questions for her to answer in a video. She chooses letters that represent common problems faced by the audience, and unfortunately this theme -- where a spouse with CPTSD is lashing out and there is little hope of change -- Anna advises those asking her opinion to work on themselves and leave abusive situations if they arise. This case is no exception. She does not offer advice to people mentioned in letters, only to letter writers who ask for advice. And when people denigrate letter writers or the people they mention, we usually delete those comments. We are committed to keeping this community safe for letter writers and constructive in our approach.
-Cara@TeamFairy
As explained, one might hold oneself together a looooooong time just hoping the right person would swoop in and save their lives and make it all better. Once few years married and a few family encounters in, the realization kicks in that this is it, and its not fixing anything.
Thats when the cptsd takes over, tearing open core wounds of being abandoned, negligted, or silenced.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that's one of the reasons i love this channel
People with no history of trauma are still vulnerable to ending up in situations like this, though, because they're most likely assuming the best of their partner and trying to approach the relationship according to the normal rules where things like calm and clear communication, reasoning with someone, and demonstrating understanding and empathy would actually work. By the time you realize that the person you're dealing with isn't capable of operating by the normal "rules of the game", it's often unfortunately too late, and by that time they've dragged you down with them. The fact that this guy is the one writing in and NOT his wife actually indicates to me that he's not nearly as problematic in the relationship as she is, because people like his wife, who instigate randomly and without mercy, don't have the insight they would need to even CONSIDER writing a letter like this.
If you don't know what 'normal' is, it's really hard to understand what is normal
It is a subjective term :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I rather say healthy than normal. People also confuse common and normal.
I'm thinking of the book by Gabor Mate, The Myth of Normal.
Oh how I wish I heard/knew this 30 years ago. I’ve been invalidated and dismissed by multiple therapists. When I tried to describe that I felt like my wife expected me to fix her, the last one said “you can’t do that, that’s ridiculous” and that was it, I was ridiculous.
Thank you Anna!
The last minute of this video is gold. Absolute gold.
:)
I absolutely love your vlog. I was in abusive relationship for so long.
I could not heal my PTSD until I left abuser
So glad you got the help you needed!
Thank you, this is so important!
The main responsibility is on the person with CPTSD, but as soon as someone uses my triggers against me or doesn't care about being empathic towards my wounds, they honestly aren't worth being close to me. I'm not blaming others here, just talking about people telling me they're treating me like everyone else and I'm being overly sensitive, then blaming and shaming me for becoming fearful or distant afterwards.
An example... I startle easily, and some "friends" used to provoke this with loud noises, touching/tickling out of nowhere or hiding behind something because it was fun for them that I reacted in this strong way. They kept doing it even after telling them that it's immensely distressing to me. I was the bad one for "making a thing out of it because it's just fun" when I asked them to stop doing it to me several times.
My inner circle does care about me and so do I about them, it's about communicating a lot and being thoughtful because nobody wants the other person to become uncomfortable. This also means that I don't use words that are triggers to my friends after they've told me how they made them feel. Doesn't mean not to ever mention anything related, just to not use certain words and use others to describe it vaguely instead. That's why I don't want to be around people who have set up one way to treat everyone else in their mind without caring about the individual differences between people.
So I guess in the family case you talked about, it's not just 100% on her. It's on her to get out of a victim mindset, take responsibility for her healing and not making everyone's life difficult because she's not self reflecting on anything. But it's also on the family to adapt to her post traumatic reactions in a way like they also wouldn't shake her hand if it was broken just because they do so with all guests.
Since we didn't have specific examples like that, it's hard to speak to in this case. But to your specific example, for sure, doing things like making loud noises to startle someone who says this distresses them is ridiculously immature and just outright mean.
-Cara@TeamFairy
So perfectly stated, thank you 🌻
Exactly this. I've had everyone weaponizing my vulnerabilities against me for years now. I don't believe that I have the right to abuse people just because I've got trauma. In fact, I've picked up the habit of Journaling my frustration specifically because I don't feel like my pain should be everyone else's. But I've had those very same journals weaponized against me for years and I've been my less than ideal self for years to everyone that's been thinking that after I came back to the US that I didn't know that something was off. It's disgusting watching people trying to justify their abuse towards me with my reactions to their obvious snooping, stalking, cybestalking, and a host of other things...
But I've since decided to walk away. They were trying to turn me into someone I wasn't.
Very upsetting for someone like me who is still steeped in past abuse... 😭 And married to someone who had a perfect childhood. I absolutely KNOW it's my fault, i am only too aware of that. He tells me I'm like a split personality. That is shocking. I do know it is hard for him and i hate myself. But. There doesn't seem to be any way out. My moods are ultra rapid cycling - sometimes ultridian rapid - and nothing NOTHING has helped to change them. I am just existing. We are existing. It shouldn't be like this but it is
Does not have to be hopeless but nothing changes if nothing changes. This is great starting point courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ouch. . .sounds like a very difficult place to be, for both of you . . can I ask what you have tried in order to manage your moods?
@@sobrevida157 - i GUARANTEE you she's on strong meds.
A course for couples sounds great! Thank you for this video. Until quite recently, I was a fulltime 'crap fitter.' (Good term, btw) Your videos and perspectives have helped to inform and empower me to be a better me.
Glad it was helpful!
Hum... Raymond has a perfect family? Interesting he sees this, this way. I hope they figure this out.
:)
I noticed that too. Because I also you to think this. My husband had the trauma, my childhood was great. Highly emotionally intelligent people are not attracted to low emotional intelligence… it took me a very long time to see my trauma.
Wow... this letter could so easily have been written by a former friend of mine! It's someone who's wife's behaviour was ruining his relationship with his family. Along with her other girl friends, I tried to get her to see what was happening but she was locked in her own beliefs. It was really sad. I'm slowly learning that for years I chose friends through what I now understand is CPTSD and generally they were... ot good for me. I'm more aware and making better choices lately. I'm so grateful for your work and channel, and even though this one doesn't apply to me any more (divorce, a relief now but a trauma when it happened) I'm still watching and learning. Thank you, and your team.
Thanks so much for sharing!
I agree with this in general, however I think it's also a bit dangerous to say that a survivor with CPTSD is responsible for all their triggers as like a blanket statement. Specifically because that sounds like something an abuser or manipulator would say: "Oh, I'm not doing anything to trigger you, so you need to fix the fact that you're triggered!" when they are in fact doing legitimately triggering things that are dangerous, and those feelings should be heeded. It's confusing enough already not being sure if we can trust our own perception of reality. I just broke up with someone who was throwing red flags and overstepping important boundaries, then making it all about how my mental illness was making it so I don't know how to interpret anything correctly and I'm being ridiculous. Really had me spinning for a month and then I broke it off. Then I watch this video and am doubting myself even more! There has to be a line where someone is held accountable for their triggering behavior. If they're genuinely good and trustworthy, they would not want you to feel that way and would modify their behavior as much as is reasonable. Letting people get away with actions that make us uncomfortable is how we ended up with CPTSD is the first place, and why we attract people who will do that to us. Like sure, in the example in the letter read on this video, it sounds like perhaps it could be a case of triggers misfiring. But telling people with CPTSD that it's something we need to just suck up and own is dangerous because anyone following that advice in an actually toxic situation will be preyed upon and further traumatized. There's a great deal of nuance that I don't feel is adequate addressed in this video.
Anna gets dozens of letters every week from people offering their questions for her to answer in a video. She chooses letters that represent common problems faced by the audience, and unfortunately this theme -- where a spouse with CPTSD is lashing out and there is little hope of change -- Anna advises those asking her opinion to work on themselves and leave abusive situations if they arise. This case is no exception. She does not offer advice to people mentioned in letters, only to letter writers who ask for advice. And when people denigrate letter writers or the people they mention, we usually delete those comments. We are committed to keeping this community safe for letter writers and constructive in our approach.
I agree in 100 %
Understand that there's differences between boundaries, conditions, demands, and threats. All of them sound like rules. A boundary says "if you do _, I won't do _." A condition says "if you do _, I'll do _". A demand says "if you do _, you'll also do _." A threat says "if you do _, then I'll do _." In your case, your abuser gaslit you with a demand disguised as a boundary. They said "if you do get triggered, you'll also calm yourself." A boundary would have been "if you do get triggered, then I won't calm you." Notice that in the boundary, the consequence does not set what you do or what will be done to you. The demand sets what you do, and may be chained to an implicated condition or threat. Conditions and threats set what will be done to you. Only boundaries set what they will do with no reference to you. A boundary revokes a privilege, it does not create a burden. I hope this helps!
@@PeriOdotGladiOlus wow❤
I agree. In my case, my partner cheated on me and I feel that my trauma has gotten so much worse because of that.
Wow, brilliant video, really powerful and important for people to hear. I have about three friends who share a similar history in terms of trauma, neglect, abuse and so on, none of the three people know each other but the way that they use microaggressions are exactly the same. I'm somebody who speaks the truth, I do it diplomatically most of the time, I'm sincere about it but I believe to have an honest relationship you have to be honest even when it's not easy. What I've discovered is, some people with these kinds of traumas aren't interested in honesty they're interested in repressing other people so that they don't get triggered. I had a friend tell me the other day that I shouldn't use the word "you" when addressing him with let's say a truthful insight about our friendship. My reply was "well I'm talking about you so what do you want me to do?" It's things like this that are triggering for me, I find it very strange that people use these tactics to control the environment around them and hard to understand since the rules of engagement always change. A video about how, when where and why microaggressions surface from survivors of cptsd could be really helpful.
Great points- perhaps write this in as a question to the fairy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Crapfit (that word tickles me!) is such a bummer, because if you didn't have an example of a healthy relationship in your parents, you cannot help but sleepwalk in to that zone.
I think you're right that the adaptations made within a couple to preserve the bond ironically, kills it. Resentments flourish over time and replace love and attraction with fear and loathing. It's like trying to fill a jug with a hole in the bottom, and does not ultimately help the triggered one in my experience.
Bottom line is we can never fix another person and yet, some of us-even when we think we know that already- get really resentful when the other person fails this impossible task. It becomes a hostage situation-I know I've been in both roles. No more thank goodness :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am the one triggered and this video is so helpful. I’ve been trying so hard and for many years to heal my trama and reactions and even understanding what’s going on with me and I think I’m finally breaking through. I’m pretty sure it’s because of trama but always unsure. My husband has been a rock even though I have been terrible in countless occasions. Thank God I’m finally treating him how he deserves and myself! It is so freeing for both of us. Thank you Anna.
Started in childhood and believe me no one but you can save you.
We must always take personal responsibility for our behavior; irregardless our past!
yes
"Crapfitting" PERFECT DESCRIPTION of life. Thank YOU Kindly !
Glad you enjoyed it!
Omg this was one of the best. So much, I can't wrap my head around this. Hearing it from you makes me see the truth. A part of me knew it all along. You are confirming this.
So glad it resonated :)
These past few years I am learning many people go on living life not aware of the changes and learning they must learn thank goodness late in life but opening to maturity growth and so much more
Both myself and my husband have pasts with abuse. I personally am on a journey to understand myself, find the ability to control my reactions, calm down and think before speaking and to learn to love myself. My cptsd has effected my life in ways that I now understand as being very self-defeating without realizing it at the time. The issue is when my husband projects his his fustrations, or triggers onto me. I have to restrain from lashing out, becoming defensive in order to protect myself from my perception of being threatened. I become quiet, shut down, and frankly hurt by it. Even in this state of mind I try to tell myself that I need to let go of these immediate reactions and feeling since they will serve no purpose other than to escalate into a full blown argument. An argument over how he is projecting on me and he accuses my of over-reacting, and " taking things the wrong way". I care for him but I find myself distancing away from him. I am afraid that I can't heal, or learn to heal myself with the added emotional strain from him. Has anyone successfully been able to bridge this and maintain a healthy relationship? He is somewhat open minded to accepting therapy which helps.
Reading through the comments here, It surprises me how many are skeptical of a person coming from a loving, non-abusive home being with a person who was abused. I wonder if there has ever been a study on this, because to me it seems the more likely scenario. The person who was abused is attracted to the serenity and stability of the non-abused person, hoping being with them will improve their life. I wouldn't say my childhood was perfect, but it was kind, caring and non-abusive. Whereas my partner was raised feral outside in a fenced yard, like an uncared for dog, beaten and starved. I am an empathetic and stable person and have always seemed to attract others who were abused.
Same.
Watching this video alone actually triggered me into thinking that my husband sent in this letter haha.. I don’t know this couple’s personal situation- but I really hope that Raymond was able to take the time to talk with his wife about this before she finds this video on her own. It can be so incredibly lonely dealing with childhood trauma and I would hate for her to feel like everyone is against her. I feel for them, and I hope that this is just a stepping stone in her healing journey 💛
Me too :)
It can happen with friendships too.
Two people with cptsd can be triggering each other without intention. They can learn from each other if each other analize their triggers but it's a bumpy road.
Thanks Anna, i am glad i watched this, made me aware of what i have actually been dealing with for 20+ years. It all clicked, when you said my Prince came along, my guy, flipped a while after we moved in together, and i think this might be why
Glad it was useful to you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
He is SO aware
:)
Raymond is in denial or withholding truth about something.That's why his relationship is a mystery.
I was thinking the same thing. There's no way he would be with this woman if he didn't have some kind of abuse in his family growing up. There's just no way.
Absolutely 100% agree. Something didn’t feel right about this from the get go. Some people with CPTSD are afraid to face the truth and will swear up and down they had idyllic childhoods.
Yeah a lot of wrongful presumptions abound about people with crappy childhoods. E.g. We don't get on with the in laws. Correction. I get on better with my in laws than i ever did with my own family. My inlaws are my family now. Yes. I know. That's not good either. But i am only sorry i didn't finish with my family sooner. And in case you think i am wrongfully apportioning blame - think about that for a minute. Some families use a vulnerable member as scapegoat for THEIR poisonous anger. My problem is - i didn't get away soon enough so i am haunted with guilt and feelings of failure. So how come I'm not dead? And don't intend to die anytime soon? Because i am STUBBORN, refuse to "take the easy way out" and besides which - it would be a WOEFUL example to give my children and grandchildren 😭. I have a right to live too, even if I'm not much use!
Interesting perspective :)
True, Raymond's conscious mind does not recall the trauma, denial, but his subconscious recalls all.
What often happens, is , because we are all sinners and have issues, a person who has acknowledged Cptsd marries and suddenly all the issues in the “new family” are felt and seen by the person who is highly allergic to dysfunction.
What is so interesting is that you often talk about ,”crap fitting” but I don’t think you have addressed, yet, those of us who had made a living because of those superpowers.
I found myself in a job where people had intense and sometimes violent behaviors, and I was given compliments about the way I handled them. Talk about crazy making.
Although, as I began to heal I could see that most, if not all of my coworkers, had serious childhood trauma- which made us perfect for this job.
It also was low paying- which also fit with those of us with low self-worth.
I did this work for 15 and I grew as a human being, met many lovely people and experienced so much that stretched my understanding of the human spirit and soul.
However, this issue of having to put up with being harmed by people who couldn’t help themselves, or that if I triggered them then it was my fault- never sat well with me.
It was a mixed bag of feelings- because every client was a different person and I honestly loved and cared about them.
I would love for you to address these kind of workplaces- where a person is dealing with people with mental or developmental disabilities that sometimes involve violent outbursts.
The normal healthy thinking that is sane is twisted and it takes time to unravel.
I was caught between trying to get healthy, and in a profession where I could see that unhealthy was rewarded.
I am now trying to at 53- restart my life and find my purpose- I have a gift of mercy and am drawn to deeply hurting people-but I don’t know how to help while still protecting me.
Any suggestions or thoughts?
Thanks for all you do and all the love that pours out of you!
🥰
This helped me. My partner has cptsd and I'm left to tip toe around things that need to be talked about cause the moment he feels he's being blamed, he gets very defensive and often says hurtful things. He makes it my responsibility to make him feel better when he has a flashback and it takes him hours to come back from it. He was told that cptsd will never go away so it feels like he has given up on making it better and won't listen to anyone who tries to help... I'm sadly in a spot where I don't know if I need to end things. I hope I can help direct him in a direction to help himself to make it easier on him and also me. I know there is only so much I can do and it's on him to want to do it.
I did that crap fitting my entire life. I had a faulty picker for friends and dates. Dates that partied too hard and couldn't stop, friends that backstabbed me repeatedly. Almost gave up on both.
I, too, felt extremely uncomfortable listening to this video. Something seemed very off to me. I recently ended a marriage of 33 years to a man that came from a large family. The family also operated as a business with a farming Trust. This family was so incredibly enmeshed and toxic it is hard to describe in just a couple of paragraphs. My ex-husband would jump whenever his parents wanted anything, and I always came a distant third after his family and after his as an attorney. There were seven boys in the family and the boys almost all displayed narcissistic traits. Their father was definitely patriarchal and misogynistic. I got along very well and enjoyed my sisters-in-law. My ex-husband's father and mother were narcissistic and cold people. What I didn't realize until later is that my ex-husband was supplying to them a narrative that was not true so that they would always feel sorry for him or think that he was in a marriage with a crazy person. Like most relationships when you are married to a narcissist, they do and say things that can cause you to look crazy because of the gaslighting. There was a lot of money involved in this family farming Trust and good reason for all of the siblings to dance around and do whatever mom and dad wanted. I would say that the person who wrote the letter would have to describe a lot more of what actually happened. This video could cause a spouse like my ex-husband to pull something like this out and say, "see, you're the crazy person, you need the help." Anna, I wish you would reconsider how you responded to this letter. Thank you and I have received a lot of very good and helpful ideas for healing from you.
You're filling in a lot of holes with your own story. My advice to anyone who is in a rough relationship is to work on themselves, and to get out if they are being abused. I stand by my answer.
I can empathise with you so much. I hope you are healing now. I feel the same about Anna's this particular answer... but an abusive spouse will find something like this from somewhere anyway....in fact they will twist their partner's words, they dont need this channel to abuse. Equally there is a good chance that the way the original requester described his story is exactly how it is, and we don't want to discredit his experience without knowing him either. 99% or more of what I have seen on this channel has helped me... and I see that's what you are saying too. ❤️
I remember when I myself was described by the „perfect” family of my ex husband (and him in the first place) as a crazy person, who has to deal with her own problems (I have been doing it for 20 years). When I divorced I immodiately felt healthy and happy. I am 100 % sure that it was not my fault what happened in my marriage.
Regardless my childhood trauma nobody who loves and respects me triggers me. My only problem is (or was) chosing toxic, manipulative partners.
It is always good to listen to both sides of the story..
I appreciate very much Anna’s work and I have learned a lot from Her. But I don’t feel very good with this answer and I wonder how the wife of this person may feel.. We simply don’t know the whole situation...
@@Gioia392 sometimes things work in mysterious ways, if for example Raymond's spouse is suffering too and not the one with 100% issues in the marriage, who knows.. finding this channel may start on a bad note with this video but eventually turns her life around...sometimes we have to hit the rock bottom....
What always baffles me is a person is sensitive to certain things, in group or one one situation there are those who do their best to exasperate by a making a point to trigger them
Just like a bunch hens attacking an open wound on the back of one, and then blame that one hen because of sore on her back. It ( or the trigger) exists so let’s pick on it
Gosh! This was so refreshing to hear- Thank you so much for the advice.
You are a blessing! 🙏Your insightful words and explanations are like soothing music to my ears.Thank you!🙏👌
Wow I love your wisdom!
I'm so glad it resonates :)
Love love loved this one. Thank you so much!
So glad you enjoyed, thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
I love how she said you’re not bothering me 🥰❤️
Thanks for listening :)
Me too😊🥰
Such great insights and suggestions - as always! Thank you ❤️
Thanks for watching!
Dear CCF, you make some interesting points here, but completely ignore the issue comes from the woman people pleasing -- doing too much for this family and then is upset with their lack of appreciation. What about helping with that fawning behavior?
Why is the person with PTSD or CPTSD always the bad guy? No one ever talks about when the partner is a problem. When I'm triggered and walk away to be by myself and calm down because I'm shaking he seeks me out to tell me to grow up and get over it. It puts me in a position of defending myself and not dealing with what's happening. Or he'll slap my shaking hand and call me bizarre. When I was looking through my dead mothers things. I knew she signed me away to the state but when I turned the page and saw my fathers signature too I cried. He demanded to know why I was crying and when I told him he said, that happened so long ago, get over it! It's bizarre to be upset and cry. Instead of having the cry and bringing myself to a balanced place it turned into days of fighting with the divorce word being thrown around because it's bizarre for anyone to be upset about something so old. Today I got upset about being overcharged for something. He took it personal and shined a flashlight in my eyes after years of me telling him I can't handle bright lights in my eyes. How in the world does someone heal when they are put in a position of having to defend themselves instead of be able to deal with these moments in constructive ways???? why is that never discussed? why is the person with PTSD the bad guy all the friggin time in these videos. How do I help him see this?
So true, Anna. I don't understand the 1 dislike, though.
Oh, there are a couple of people who jump on to every video I publish right away, just to dislike it.
I'm guessing it has to do with the abuse warning. Not that it doesn't happen, but I don't think it's necessarily the majority, either. I tear myself up, but abuse nobody. It's been eating my triggers that led me to a complete meltdown. But, the writer's spouse needs therapy and tools for dealing with her triggers and sounds like she's convinced herself she's powerless (might be Learned Helplessness as a consequence of her disorder). I'd suggest a compromise between spouse and family. Let them meet each other half-way until she can get some help.
I think i put a dislike on it? Because it hurts so much. To have one's fears confirmed that it was very strange (foolish?) for a happy person like my husband to get stuck with a totally mixed-up person like me. We are married 38 years tmro xx he is going to be canonised ❤️ i don't know how he puts up with me either...
@@marypower1261 Dont sell yourself so short, he picked you each of those 38 years as much as you chose him❤️
@@marypower1261 I'm sorry it hurts.
Interesting I got involved with someone and we both were not ready I am so learning all this now and yes I am much older and the other party was younger just bc a person is older doesn't mean they also need some learning wow all this I am gathering working with my therapist but also listening to your channel is opening my mind more so and I am not even sure I am ready today I was in a long term relationship never allowing myself room to find out my likes and dislikes and so much more now with a better understanding I had 0 business impulsively getting out the relationship in the drastic way I did nor being with someone who shows so many signs they didn't want to be with me I also fell in the category of showing all the red flags not ready to be in another relationship we both showed RED FLAGS!!!!! Being single for the first time in my adult life I can now stand back and look at the disaster the relationship my ex predicted it was going to be what people do when they are naiive and blinded by the good juices in the beginning of it all again thank you and I wish everyone a happy and wonderful healing journey
I've had a few flashbacks but I'm having fewer and fewer than I've had in the past ..
I agree if the person is truly takes no responsibility. But I find it very interesting I had a very traumatic childhood and I willingly admit that to friends and relationships I’ve been involved in. I’ve been working pretty intently over the years stay centered in my life and with my emotions. However I find there are many people that say they had a really wonderful childhood and then as I get to know them better things start coming out about their childhood that were very traumatic and to me as a life coach it feels like they’re in denial. I’ve actually heard people tell me that their mothers were wonderful and God forbid they should ever say anything bad about her yeah I keep hearing stories where they’ve been abandoned over and over again by a narcissistic mother. I know the pattern because I had a mother like that myself. It’s like the littlest thing that they did for the person… for instance one past man I had a relationship with said they were burnt over a portion of their body and their mother was at the hospital with them and I said well that’s what parents do. But he couldn’t think of anything else that his mother was really there for him for. The reason it came up is because he always spoke about being at his grandmother’s house and one time I just said well where was your mother you rarely ever speak about her. I’ve seen this many times people even in their 60s literally saying I had a leave it to Beaver childhood and then things start to come out overtime. For instance one friend told me her father died of cancer and then several years later when she got to really know me she told me her father committed suicide in the garage and the mother found him. She said I just tried to pretend that it was a dream. So she had never really dealt with it and every relationship she ever had showed it. Back and then suicide carried so much pain and shame that people just lied. I’ve even said do you think that traumatized you and usually they will say yes or start going into more detail. So sometimes I think we lie to ourselves because we don’t wanna deal with the emotions that are brought up. I myself have done it not about my childhood but I’ve done it in relationships where I should’ve gotten out sooner. Like the one I’ve been in off and on for a couple months which is why I was guided to this website. Thank God my past experience has taught me some thing and no matter what his lips were saying I knew things weren’t right. It’s not so easy to get out it’s not so easy to even admit you need to get out when you care about somebody. Especially when you’ve had a crappy childhood! But I love your daily practice and other stuff and I found you at a time that I really needed the support. I definitely have the awareness when I’m being triggered and the only person that’s going to save me is me. It’s an inside job of self care, self awareness and self responsibility. Your right normal therapy does not work not for trauma. I also love that you recommend transcendental meditation that is something that has served me well. Twice a day rain or shine.🙏🏻 Thank you so much for being here for us. Namaste’💜
Hi Anna. After years of watching you and knowing of the daily practice today I’ve decided to start because I am or have become that wife - ugh 😑. Thank you for putting your work out.
That's wonderful! maybe I'll see you on a Zoom call next week?
I've found myself choosing partners who have low emotional range, not many deep or critical thoughts, not very interesting really, happy go lucky men aka someone with no trauma or mental health awareness. I wonder if that's a way for me to avoid real intimacy with someone who would actually want to form a deep connection with me, have deeper conversations and love me, deeply.
Thanks…really helped my situation…
Thank you! I recently met someone, so much in common, BUT...I noticed that they were at the beginning of their healing journey and it was a turn off... YAY🎉❤🎉 I have a looooong history of crap fitting, and after some years am finally feeling healed enough to do my toe into exploring romantic relationships(can you tell I'm still a bit cautious lol). I am so thankful for your insights especially as this expiration had brought up new and difficult triggers. Thank you ❤
Kudos to those of us who are here because we're the one who are having the knee jerk reaction of being a jerk when we're triggered. I don't scream or anything, but I give a hell of a lot attitude and it is slowly increasing. I don't want to be that person, I'm not that person.
I guess I'm just proud of myself right now, and that's big for me. Kudos to me. Therapy on Monday.
Yes he comes over and demands I do things, before he will come over…won’t accept things I make him, triggers and runs, nothing is ever perfect for him..he won’t get therapy…Im so sad
No more.
When my husband is stressed he starts nit picking little things and when I say sorry he keeps saying it - like he needs me to get defensive and mad. Then I’m the bad one for getting defensive.
Or I make a plan. It doesn’t go accordingly. He doesn’t just say, hey that stressed me out and accept an apology. He has to tell me that I didn’t consider anyone when I made the plan other than myself, I was thoughtless because I didn’t foresee the unknown. And even when I say I’m sorry. It makes me feel like a piece of shit. And when I start to get upset because he won’t accept an apology he says I can’t do this and hangs up on me.
I just wanted to say, all the people who are saying a ‘normal/healthy’ person would never marry someone with CPTSD or childhood trauma are wrong. It does happen, I did it. Yes, my family is not perfect, but, to use a term from Pete Walkers book, my parents are definitely “good enough” parents. They are not perfect and they own that too, however they always have good intentions and genuinely care for me and my husband! Sure I had mild “trauma” in my life but nothing that warranted/caused major physiological problems, just gained knowledge and learned a lot. We got married young, I knew he had childhood trauma related to his dad (who was no longer part of his life) and after spending time in his family home while dating I knew his mother was not healthy either. Their family dynamic was crazy, and really eye opening to me that the majority of the time they seemed to think it was ‘normal/ok’ when it was clear to me it was not! I had great self esteem, I didn’t like engaging in conflict, however had no problem putting my foot down and standing my ground if I knew something was wrong or was something that needed dealing with and I could be quite stubborn. My now husband appreciated that as he didn’t feel he could push me around and he was able to receive the love, care and support I was able to give that he never received as a child.
My partner literally said “honestly fuck you, and your whole your family” and a more incredibly hurtful remarks, after confiding in her that I am having a dilemma by choosing a job that was going to give me instant financial security or to pursue my passion. There was no constructive discussion around it. Just brought up everything I’ve ever done in the past to hurt her feelings. There’s also huge double standards within her remarks and it’s so bad..
Explains it? Yes. Excuses it? No.
Hi Anna, did you finally made the course for couples with trauma? I would love to hear your advice on that
Not yet!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you again.
Thank you too!
Well I understand perfectly when his wife asks him to be loyal first and foremost to his family of choice now, which is her!
This person gives no information on what goes on from his parent's side, how they act around her, if in any way they are indeed abusive towards her with insults or rejection or if they ask him to spend a lot of time with them obstructing the peace of his marriage. And he might well be doing that blaming the wife for triggers of CPTSD then, like that's causing all bad things, because he might be unhealthily attached to his "loving family"
Has he really figured out HIS role in these conflicts?
I have survived a hell like that from abusive loving family of my ex and I know they look for a scapegoat for their unhealthy attachments.
Believe me, at least where I come from, Greece, parents especailly mothers and even siblings sometimes, especially sisters, can be quite unhealthily attached to the person who is now married or has a serious commitment. They may demand a lot of his time, or complain that she keeps him away from them and control him and such and such, where they are actually the abusive manipulators because they just can't accept that their family member has to be devoted to his wife. His wife is his family now, by choice.
Things are not black and white and in this letter the wife gets all the blame. I wonder why.
As I said we don't know how irrational the demands are from his wife's side, or if indeed there is hurtful, abusive, manipulative behaviour from this man's relatives.
Ana...so glad you do this. Wondering if you encourage psychological testing for mental health...like even bpd or asd traits....that is beyond healing pstd. BTW...as Ana knows it never goes away...only able to look better from the outside. The mess in the inside never goes away, but we hope for less symptoms and hurting everyone even yourself. Fix yourself both people.
If you think you should be tested, you should pursue that. It's not something I cover here.
"You're not bothering me",was a nice part 😊🥰
Aww thanks for listening :)
I thought my family was pretty “normal” before I started therapy and realized my childhood was really weird. (I don’t want to go into it but I have major trust issues and am severely codependent.)
When my friendship with this guy went from fun and flirty to painful and confusing, it hurt more than almost anything I’ve ever been through. I knew he had depression and anxiety and CPTSD and suicide ideation and he seemed so comfortable with me that he brought his emotional pain and problems to me... until he would suddenly angrily react like my comfort and help was me trying to change him, and all of his anger was my fault. Took me a while to realize I couldn’t “fix” what I had supposedly done wrong. Only since I walked away have I understood what was going on. I still feel guilty sometimes that I “left him” when he was hurting so bad, but like you said HE DOESN’T GET TO ABUSE ME. He doesn’t get to spill his emotional guts at me daily while insisting that I NOT CARE ABOUT HIM (??????) because he “didn’t ask for that.” (The hell he didn’t.) I just tell myself that his therapist is handling it, and she’s the one who he trusts to help him, so it ain’t my job.
No more crapfitting!!!! 🤣
We often tend to feel guilty for not being the "savior" our partner wants. Of course you couldn't fix it, you had NOTHING to do with his abuse. No more crapfitting is a worthy goal! Glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ok listen. My ex husband and his family weaponized this almost verbatim, and came across as loving and supportive to anyone who would listen, while i was completely isolated and abused by them in a rural town and unable to go to anyone for help because of how they had socially assassinated me.
You have one side of the story, and he used ALOT of absolutes in his language describing what was happening.
Maybe his family was being passive aggressive and when she sought support, was shot down.
Maybe hos family is enmeshed and will not recognize or admit trauma and dysfunction in their family
People do absolutely do need to have responsibility for their actions, and what you're explaining is important for us to know and learn, but this wasn't a good example when it could have been so easily manipulated by the sender.
I find this channel to be very problematic and presumptive that the c-PTSD sufferer is necessarily deserving of blame and is abusive, etc. This channel is pretty harmful tbh.
Thank you ❤ thank you, that helped soo much
Thank you for this video. My partner and I both experienced trauma growing up. We're both healing but it's difficult sometimes. I still struggle with people pleasing and not authentically being myself because of his triggers. He insists that I speak my truth and ask for what I want but his reactions make it difficult. He questions my love for him and is suspicious of me sometimes. How do I move through the discomfort of speaking my truth?
Great question! This is what we find to be the most useful tool:
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wonder if the wife may be jealous since the husband has a relatively " normal" childhood??.. Jealousy can be a powerful thing...
I don’t disagree but with an abuser future they are predators who will listen to you then use triggers and your vulnerabilities against you! I walked away this was an attorney whom I was setting up a trust will had to explain certain things he preyed upon me was after my assets screwed up my trust now I have to get it redone. Asked to marry me I found out a few months later he doesn’t even own his own house. Talked to his daughter she thanked me for fixing numerous issues people pleasing. He was passive aggressive covert. He sent a long text yada yada I called 3 times finally I just text him wish you well. His daughter said he’s an angry and lying man red flag. I’m a survivor!
Err... I grew up with a mother who's a narcissist and the description of Raymond's wife is eerily the same as how I would describe my mother.
A lot of CPTSD have crossover traits, prior to practicing daily techniques and meditation, I was often diagnosed borderline personality disorder by my family- I basically just thought I was evil and crazy. So grateful we have a solution to get better!
-Cara@TeamFairy
MDMA has helped me tremendously. What are your thoughts on mdma assisted therapy?
Anna doesn't weigh in on that topic :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Is the course Anna mentions about couples facing this already out?
I am currently getting blasted and projected on by a fearful avoidant that I have had to give up on. Almost ruined my life.
I feel that, but anyone who is with an Unhealed person or someone with untreated mental illness also has something they need to heal in themselves. At the very least it displays codependency in an unhealthy way...so yeah your wife is struggling, you cannot fix her, but you can look at yourself as well.
How do I know that it’s a trigger or a real feeling?
In case is people walking away I understand but let’s just say they pass an inappropriate comment then what?
And we feel angry, how can I identity?
Just like untill now I wasn’t not able to know why I feel so angry when someone leaves me while we are having an argument. I rage and get angry.
So what’s the real feeling and what is a triggered feeling ?
Anna suggests working that out using the Daily Practice technique bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
If you have cptsd you might be triggered by this video because it makes it seem like Cptsd victims are actually abusers to theirs partners… seems like there is a lot of focus on telling our partners we are not worth the fight….
Yep
I wasnt always a good man to my wife, im regret not being the best husband. I swore off not hurting her again and have tried to build her life and ours better. Here lately she has been triggered by everything i do, she has bipolar and is a narcisst. I love my wife and want to do better! Please help
What if he plays a major part in the causing of cptsd?
Why are you with someone who is traumatizing you?
I have to ask something. I have a boyfriend he had hard childhood. His father diedy , his mother found new man and get kids with him.But that stepfather waa hell of abusive. I came from a family where my uncle abuse my mother, father and mothre were toxic and untrustfull. After y father died we moved 3 times I am not used to have a home and do not feel like one. Anyway my bf wants us to live in his huse close to his uncles. I can not stand them, they do not have ethical for comunity in whichvzhey are living. Like they always there screamin outside, their child is so loud and unrrspectfull. After I started to work on my trauma I had question myself and it looks to me like I can not fit there, like I would never have peace there, like I do not understand why my bf put me into that when he knows what I have been throught. Now he is on stage where he act like his trauma with stepfather and his family did not happend. I don't trust a lot of people usally families. I don't know what to do, I sometimes thonk there is something wrong with me but I really don't like idea to live again in coumunity of family.... I already feel like I can not set boundries. I already talked openly with my boyfriend and he said thete is nothing thag should make me worry but I do not have peace there like mental peace...I can not go outside and sit in silence for a while can not go into house to do not comunicate or do small talks. I tried a lot of things I swear but I do not know what else should I try?
I'm wondering if it's C-ptsd or narcissim in my partner? Or could my triggers and C-ptsd have caused him to develop Narcissism? IS that even possible?
My partner expects me to tiptoe around her triggers and it is causing issues in our relationship, eg avoiding making stange faces, saying im going to sneeze before I sneeze, any slight sense she thinks i'm patronising her. Im finding it hard as I sometimes make mistakes as there are so many. How do I communicate this to her without just saying 'this is your issue and you need to deal with it yourself''?
It sounds like you may be in a codependent dynamic. Sounds like she's developed some impossible expectations, and in response you've abandoned your own boundaries believing that things will get better if you find JUST the right way to say that something isn't OK with you, and that if you walk on tiptoe, she'll be happy. Make friends with the idea that this relationship may not work for you. Accept it, and then tell the truth -- no need to make threats -- about what you want and need, and see how that changes things. Perhaps she'll respond positively to you being strong in yourself. It is an attractive trait. If she tantrums and rages, that is yet another clear answer.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Ok thanks for your reply, its said because everything else about the relationship is really god
Sounds like my partner too...her dad abused her...but everything my family does triggers her...but to others it pretty normal behaviour. I think she wants to turn my family into the family she never had. But in her mould.
What about when you BOTH have C-PTSD?
You can both get better :)
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
I am married and our marriage is on the rocks. Why? Because I am always hypervigilent and waking my partner to the point that I wake him a lot. I also am seeking out some kind of emotional attachment which is not there as he is cold at times.
I need to go this course. How can I do this? Does anyone know where the link is? Thank you
Welcome. Link are in the description section, or at courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
Also, to defend the person, if the person is only tha cause of drama since others in the house are co dependents are better at not displaying their b.s. or denying realty...what about them? If someone is autistic they get a pass...hello your brains are different too..so then no one should get a pass...throw compassion out the window. Negate that people do have mental illness or drug addiction or narcissism. What about that?
I crap fit for my wholelife
So many of us did, but we can stop now!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had to listen to this talk twice. It seems to me that his family has said and done some things to the new wife that could be quite mean.
❤❤
To me, hearing this makes me feel like everyone else operates on this NPC level. It feels like they function on this emotionally desensitized level. Like they aren’t real.
You sound dissociated.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy and you sound brain damaged.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy don’t I? Lol. But it’s others that come off that way.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I should maybe have added that it isn’t EVERYONE who comes off that way. People who show adequate emotional warmth and originality don’t give that impression. But to me it’s like I rarely run into people like that anymore. Since the concept of “boundaries” has become more mainstream, it seems like people are often using this as a way to completely shut people out. It hardly feels like I come across normal people anymore🙃Everyone’s in therapy and yay! That’s a good thing. But it’s the people who have been in therapy that communicate with responses that sound so PC it feels like you’re talking to AI. It feels to me like the majority of people are the avoidant type now. It is a little disassociating but not in the context I think you’re referring to.
Wow, these videos and the work that you do matter so much. As someone who is on the other side, this video really supports how I'm feeling, knowing that I'm not alone, and knowing that there is success on the other end of possibilities. All these videos you make are so important to people who are going through CPTSD. Both for the person who has it and equally for the person who is on the other side of having it. Thank you thank you thank you. Keep doing you and giving your gifts to the world.🙏🙌🫶
Thanks for your comment and thanks for watching!
Caleb@TeamFairy