An exercise that works well for me is after waking up and before I raise from bed, I place my hand on my heart and say "Good morning Mike, I love you." Been smiling every morning for over 2 years.
@@fh1980ram Men complain about “society” not caring about their mental health, but when a man does a simple affirmation every morning you shame & mock him. You are a huge part of the problem with men’s poor mental health, then turn around and complain 🙄 Women can at least support each other, and men, with sincerity when something works for another whether or not it would work for you. Geez. Honestly, men’s mental health issues are the natural consequences of their dumba** thoughts and actions. Your “loneliness epidemic” is completely deserved.
And that’s a lot of the problem. He’s a sweet man. Women DO NOT want a sweet man. His wife has already checked out and probably already getting piped by another man that’s not sweet. It’s what women do in todays world.
My husband struggles with the idea that he must be the thing that makes and keeps me happy and if I’m not then it’s his fault. Gentlemen, I promise you, that’s not how this works. No one is happy all the time. And happiness isn’t 100% predicated or dependent on other people. It’s largely internal. Our daughter turns 3 tomorrow. Pregnancy and post partum were not kind to me and the effects have been lasting and damaging. And that’s not my husband’s fault at all.
@@evanl889 Honestly? Most women don't know what they want. They think they do but it can change with the wind. And that can drive guys crazy because we think we're doing what's right just to have the rules of the game change.
A hug would help but can you do us men a favor. Since you are a woman can you explain in great detail why women behave like this, like little spoiled kids who think they can say and do anything they want 🧐🤔
@@mooncake8742Well, when you have a society that tells men they are nothing outside of what they can provide, this is what you get when everything comes to an end.
I NEVER want to create this kind of environment for my relationship. I’ve stopped holding my tongue and building up resentment. The real skill is non confrontational conversations about needs, and a negotiation. That’s it.
Agreed. My husband and I learned that and it really helps. He was earlier in the relationship that tried to be "nice" and hold kinds of stuff back. With some couples therapy and some work we finally got to a place to just say things to each other even if it's not the best thing at times. It just get's things over and done with in 5 minutes and back to being good.
Man this is why you cannot become two dimensional, just a provider and a dad. You must still spend time with friends. You must continue to date your wife through your entire marriage. This is where you grow and nurture connection and intimacy.
Screenshot and sent this to my spouse... he is the best dad and provider in the world but pur marriage is so empty... and he doesn't understand why... this 100.
This is one of the most important videos ever made and all men need to watch, listen and learn. My ex was the same as this guy - torn in all directions by his coercively controlling family and jealous daughter; didn’t deal with childhood wounds; buried his head in the sand and expecting serious financial issues to magically disappear, and thinking his career defined him. He lost everything - and in the process, destroyed the life of an innocent person who would have helped him and loved him for who he is until the day he died. What a legacy!
I was that wife unhappy all the time until I learned my husband could never fill the void in my heart. Only God could. I don’t try and find happiness from him only love him and support him. I show grace to him where he falls short because I want the same for myself. Christ alone brought me that peace and I hope she figures that out too before their marriage is destroyed.
@@black4vcobraok, in that case, men shouldn’t complain when their wives don’t feel like giving them sex. Men should find their happiness (predominantly sex 😆) within themselves.
Ha ha ha - I feel like every woman has said to her husband “I don’t want you to fix it, I want you to listen” at least once. This caller seems like such a sweet and caring guy who wants to do better and is so motivated. John gave him such fantastic advice.
And that's the start of the end of the relationship. She wants him to cater to her way of operating while not respecting his. _AND_ if he stopped fixing problems, she'd be all over him. I've had to tell my g/f that if she only wants to vent, she needs to recognize I'm not the person to do it to; she needs to do that with her girl friends because it will drive me crazy being expected to just sit there and nod while she goes off. Men and women are different; people need to respect that.
@@csx6910my husband sits there and listens when I’m frustrated. There’s not always “something to fix”. How is he supposed to fix work drama or a toxic work dynamic? He can’t. How is he supposed to fix a dysfunctional family relationship? He can’t. So you’re saying woman need to shut up about everything unless her husband can fix it? I think the problem in your relationship is you, pal, if it’s really that hard for you to listen.
@@user-if4ke6en9r I'm saying she needs to pick her audience better. You just described something far worse than you realize: Putting the weight of her problems on his shoulders knowing he can do nothing about them. Putting the stress of being powerless onto him while he has to take care of everything else. There's a less than flattering term for this sort of thing: an emotional t@mpon. Or a 'dammit doll'. You feel better while he feels worse. And you don't even think that's selfish. Amazing. Get a therapist if you really need one. If you have a problem at work, guess what? There is a possible fix to that: get another job, go through proper channels to correct the problem, adopt stress-reliving practices that doesn't put it on someone else to make you feel better. All possible solutions you didn't even consider because you think complaining in and of itself is a solution. Dysfunctional family relationship? Establish reasonable boundaries and if they're crossed, cut the person from your life. What, that's too tough? Then it must not be too bad so stop complaining about it. Again, a solution not even considered because complaining is preferred. You expect him to adapt and mold himself around your expectations while almost certainly ignoring that he likely hates it. You want to whine; he wants to slay the dragon. Every problem has a solution but you have to actually WANT to fix it.
I love this call. This is great general advice. Im sure there are lots of guys in this situation. And to all the people in the comments hating on the wife. Sure she could have handled some things differently, but from his own admission he wasnt listening to her. Best of luck Paul, you can do it!
There’s a lot of men that don’t listen to their gf/wives yet they still stick around and love them. The caller is a soft, spineless bata bux provider type that doesn’t set boundaries and enforce them. His wife can cross the line he draws in the sand and he’ll just keep backing up and apologizing for it. That behavior is very unattractive to women and almost always leads to sexless marriages and divorce.
It would be really helpful to have the wife’s perspective on this call… I will say that telling your spouse, “I don’t have to be with you once the kids are gone,” does not sound like a loving spouse. But again, we need more information.
@@samisoddisn't it funny how it's always "we need the other side of the story" when it comes to a man explaining about his wife... But never the other way around.
@@randybobandy9828exactly what I was just thinking. Whenever it seems to be the wife’s fault, they say “there must be more to this story” yet have no problem dunking on the man when his wife calls in complaining about him. This guy took so much accountability in this phone call, sounds like he’s been manipulated into thinking everything is his fault.
The caller really stated exactly what the problem is. He admitted that he has not been listening even after his wife told him that was the problem(listen to minute 5). Now she’s fed up, said she’s leaving and Now he’s panicking. All best to both.
Yes! Many people in the comments calling this guy sweet and caring, but I bet it's all on the wife and her mental load to remind him to do things with kids etc. Now she's just done telling him what to do if he didn't pick anything on his own while the youngest is only a year away from college.
Her execution isn’t perfect, but this sounds like a tale as old as time. He’s open to change and doing the hard work after she’s been expressing her needs and unhappiness for a decade and has finally hit a breaking point. 🤔 Something isn’t adding up.
One of two things. 1. The husband hasn't been changing with her the way she wants him to. 2. The damage is done, it doesn't matter if he changes, she will keep looking at him for all the stuff he did wrong only, not the efforts he's making now.
It sounds like his wife checked out a long time ago. Like John said, all he can do is make an honest, heartfelt appeal to explore a new season in their lives together. If she's out, he's a nice guy, there are lots of older women looking for a good man...LOTS!!
@@georgevue8175Stop it. I'm tired of all the women and men bashing online. This isn't the exclusive purview of women to be crappy spouses. You know there are great wives out there with shitty husbands. Lots of them. Because this isn't about how women suck or men suck. It's about how many people out there make poor relationship material, and somehow they manage to fool good people into a marriage with them. I was certainly fooled by my first husband. Being empathetic is a good trait, but we have to be careful because we tend to attract the users.
@@georgevue8175 and this is why violent crimes are 85% male- because men are so good at remaining rational and not giving in to their testosterone. Or why men say they are biologically inclined to cheat- because they are so in control of their hormonal pressures. lolololol. Bless your heart.
This sounds so similar to my marriage. My husband expressed his desire for a divorce. I've given him the roadmap to what I need and spelled it out so plainly, but he just doesn't want to love me the way I feel love and chooses daily to overlook my needs. I've laid my life down for this man and instead of stepping up, he's choosing to step out. I hope the man on this call can figure it out. Most women just want to feel cherished and loved. You can make a million mistakes everyday and as long as you let me know I'm loved I can extend grace and forgive. Every. Single. Time.
@cassandra_h "You can make a million mistakes everyday and as long as you let me know I'm loved I can extend grace and forgive." Do you realize how haughty, disgustingly superior and entitled you sound? Positioning yourself as one who has power to extend grace and forgive while the man is someone who constantly makes mistakes?? That sentence is a sentence that might only come from God. Surely, the sentiment you revealed here is felt by your husband. THAT'S WHY HE WANTS A DIVORCE!!
@@darlenepaul2918 That's because men aren't open to that. They need to learn how to receive love the way she gives it instead of forcing her to make it all about him. That's just utter selfishness.
You can't make someone else happy. It's impossible. As long as you are being a good supportive husband and father... you've done your part. If she is done... get ready for the inevitable.
Yeah it's quite possible ( and i don't judge either side here) she maybe ready to move on to another chapter in her life. I'm in my 50s myself and I've seen it from several of my both women and men friends just ready to move on to something else. My women friends actually seem happier without the ex. Guys tend be more needy in wanting someone.
Listen to me (a woman’s perspective). She doesn’t respect you because of your constant nice-guy-apologetic attitude. Falling on your sword to bring a woman back never works. Let her separate for a while (without divorce). She’ll realise how miserable and lonely life is without you and she’ll come running back. No one else beside you is clamouring to get together with a negative critical middle aged lady with adult children. When she returns, be sure to have grown a backbone, some confidence and a life outside of her. Then she’ll appreciate you once you allow her to discover your value
@johniii8147 my ex use to tell me, " I can find someone that will....." I wasn't encouraged at all by her statements. I felt I wasn't good enough but what I wanted was unconditional love not conditional. 6 months after the separation I went on my 1st date, the lady told me, "I will never leave my husband". I knew right there with that statement we was going to make it. That statement and the way she loves me makes me want to be the best....but she tells me just always try sweetie.
@@robr268 Well sounds like you made a bad choice on the first one. It happens. But I'm not sure sure about the statement " I will never leave my husband" Especially on a first date. That's creepy it even comes up.And don't kid yourself. Love always has some conditions to it on what is acceptable and what is not. You don't get a free pass on that. Relationships ( the good ones) always take some work.
The saying should be "Happy life - happy life". If you think about it, it makes sense. The happy wife is outside of your control. Live your best life and see who tags along on your journey.
This happened in one of my first relationships. She controlled who I hung out with, when I could go hang out with only my guy friends, and belittle me in front of a variety of people. She did this in front of my mom, which woke me up when my mom laid out how bad she was treating me. When you hear it for so long, you shrug it off, then believe it. Looking back, I learned so much, and it helped me grow.
The isolation is done to make you lose perspective on the actual amounts of abuse you endure. Once you tell it all to someone you trust, like a close family member or a therapist, it becomes apparent. The isolation also comes naturally when you're grinding and have kids.
@IHateNicolasCage Yea, she always has and is the best! Sometimes, you need someone objective or at least who isn't emotionally evolved to clear your head and help you see what is right in front of you.
The biggest mistake men make is lose their self identity to make her happy. Keep your friends, keep your hobbies and interests and if she doesn’t like it tough there’s the door. My ex tried to get me to take my subwoofers out of my car. I was like nope this is who I am take it or leave it
I just listened to this whole thing again, because something seems off. If you listen to the ages, they have been together since they were 19 or 20, and a family the whole time (he's 42, oldest twins are 23). Likely they are each others first and only relationship. He says he travels a lot for work, so he's gone a lot (this is hard on relationships I know), and in his eyes everything was great up to the last year. Now everything he does seems to be wrong according to her. He tries to do better and she keeps moving the goal posts, he feels everything is his fault. She flat told him that as soon as the last child is gone, she can go do what she wants. I think she is having an affair, this is all so classic, and she is looking for the out where its not her fault and justify it to herself. I think he needs to get a PI to find out if something is happening when he is gone and protect himself, I truly hope I am wrong. He seems like such a good guy, I really feal sorry for him. I am sure he was not the perfect husband, none of us are, but he does not deserve this,.
@@kissengerc9468 My money is on high school/collage sweethearts, and she got pregnant. She spent her 20's and 30's raising kids. Now she has a side guy that is going to give he the life she thinks she missed out on, or she has just convinced herself that the grass is greener somewhere else. She's done, there is no fixing this now, she is going to have to go and find out for her self. Its very sad.
She’s done because he’s shown her he’s checked out a long time ago. He isn’t invested anymore and she is no longer getting from him what she needs; attention and true intimacy.
I resonate with the wife. My husband is the gently spoken nice guy but he's complacent and ive assumed the masculine role in our relationship (not by choice, I felt I had to in order to progress in our life together). Now im drowning in resentment and my husband feels like he can't make me happy. He also has no life outside of me and our daughter. I wish he had hobbies or friends.
I’m a female and although we don’t know her side of the story, I have a feeling she’s the problem. He’s constantly blaming himself and says sorry for things he didn’t even cause. Neither are perfect but if she’s unwilling to see where she can be a better wife as well as you be a better husband, she will be perpetually unhappy. And that’s on her, not you.
Exactly well said. She will always be unhappy, she thinks leaving will make her happy, but she is about to find out how miserable she really is when she has no one. He should leave and say he is done, he will be so much happier not needing to please this miserable women.
Exactly!!! So many times women look at marriage through a selfish lens. Like, “what they are not doing” and “what more they can I get out of this”; but they never look at all the husband does do, what he does give. This man does not seem to be some absent shitty partner, it seems like he is trying his best to make her happy.
Well now wait a minute,maybe the ladys have somthing here,in the las min.or 2 i heard some thing that sounded like a drink of cold water out on the deasert ,maybe we need them to elaborate on what was said back there. I think i kind of like it for a change.
@@jackdeniston59 Not true. There are a lot of narcissists out there, and they can be men too. In fact, in studies, men scored higher in narcissism. Ultimately, people who make good spouses need to be very cautious because they're the ones who attract narcissists (who are very good at hiding their true selves until it's too late).
I found out my wife (at that time of twelve years) was having an affair. She offered to stay in a platonic marriage for two years until the kids were slightly older (I took this as "I'm going to keep seeing him) and that even if it didn't work out with him, she would find someone else. I can relate so much to this caller. I worked to provide for us while she didn't. I had to wake her up every morning after I took care of the kids and got them breakfast. I took care of the kids immediately when I came home. I did laundry, cleaned the house. I would plan dates and try to connect, but she was always on her computer or phone. She expressed needing time to take care of herself, so I gave her a "day off" each month to do things for herself while I watched the kids. I was completely drained, and she did nothing to support me. After divorcing, I realized that I had always tried to meet her unrealistic expectations and self-sacrifice when she was mostly just interested in using me. And it was on me for not setting boundaries with her sooner.
This call was sooo good. Dr Delony deserves a platform bigger than Brene Brown! He needs to become a household name because his advice is so good and tangible! These practices changed me and saved my life and the lives of my kids when I experienced postpartum psychosis five years ago. I didn’t have the tools I needed but I am so grateful I eventually discovered them. Listening to Dr Delony has reiterated how these simple tools can make life live able and joyful!
I wonder about that. 30 yrs in, been considered sexless for 20. If wife worked, she’d make more than me, but she’s stays at home. I just wonder how bad a hit financially it would be?
I can hear in his tone that he is a very good man and means well. I pray that he keeps his family together into the next phase of life, eventually have grandchildren that he and his wife can enjoy. To stop now that the kids are grown is way too soon.
I'm sure she has been communicating small stuff here and there for a long time and now she's so done with him. You're so right. The fact that he has noooo clue what I going on speaks volumes.
BS … your happiness is your responsibility…not primarily your spouses. This is a cop out, my guess is he never asked much of her while she had new needs every week.
@@FrankS111 this very much depends on the scenario. With women, if there is A Thing that they used to complain about and all of a sudden they stop, and nothing changed, that means that they have given up on the relationship and they are coasting. There are definitely some women who are impossible to please and want to be catered to in unreasonable ways. But there are times when there is something - problems with finances, sex, communication, something - and the guy just doesn't take it seriously. So, to him, nothing is wrong because he doesn't care about that thing, and to the wife, this is a major problem that he has shown he doesn't even care about trying to fix. And then when she's ready (like when their youngest child graduates), she's gone.
This call is breaking my man! He really wants to be there for his family. For all the men who couldn’t give a crap, and he’s just not appreciated at all 😢
Sounds like he's gotten his wake up call. He is finally feeling motivated to listen & act on his wife's needs. I wish him the best, things can turn around for this couple if they humble themselves & be open to change.
No. He’s been beat down by a characterologically unhappy woman. His self-esteem is just so low that he lacks the stones to stand up for himself and realize that she’s the problem. If you try to make an unhappy woman “happy”. She will resent it, and lose respect for you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, right enough, or done the right way. She’ll nitpick you to death and keep moving the goalposts so that she stays unhappy and avoids the closeness she finds so threatening.
@@Katherinedawn25 marriages can be improved and restored. You've only heard one side of the story, don't assume anything without hearing her side too. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
@@kellygreenii I'd like to hear her side of the story. Lots of men ignore problems for so long that wives build resentments and "become the problem" when it was really the man who ignored her for 10 years.
@@misstishwyo Because women often have a problem communicating DIRECTLY. No he shouldn’t “just know”. That’s asking the man to be your father, not your husband.
@@kellygreenii The caller literally said that his wife has listed out what she needs multiple times and that he didn't listen, unlike John who did when his wife told him 7 years ago. So many men online want to blame women for everything. This guy wants to fight for his marriage, you don't have to.
My husband and I are in the same place. I started therapy and he switched therapists with the plan to do couples therapy. We are actively working to avoid divorce after our kids are gone.
@@randybobandy9828no, I told him that I wasn’t happy and I was concerned for his mental health. He needed to get help because I couldn’t continue in the marriage if he didn’t.
I’m a female but this is exactly what we talked about at therapy yesterday. What is my value aside from my labor? I have no idea. Therapy lady says I do have value and I am definitely needed by the kids. I’m supposed to try to figure out how to like myself and write down the nasty things my inner voice says. Idk man. It makes too much sense
Dr. John, Thank you for reminding me that if I can't expect anyone to love me if I hate myself. What helps me to know that what I hate about myself is what God loves about me. My tenacious love.
I feel so bad for him. He’s beating himself up a lot. But this got me thinking what’s the other half of the story? Because it definitely sounds like his wife is totally checked out. Did he cheat on her? Many times people beat themselves up when they know they fucked up. Only God knows the real story here. Something feels left out.
My marriage has hit a low point. My wife is short tempered with me and does not value my feelings. I am done apologizing for things I shouldn't apologize for in order to keep the peace. I am no longer going to be concerned about my feelings or even keeping the peace, but my self-worth is important and my outlook is important to me.
When a husband travels for work he is removing himself from the situations where a wife NEEDS their protector to stand up and resolve an issue. She’s been forced to lead the household without him and is HURTING because of that and they both believe that he isn’t nurturing her enough. She needs the strength of your presence
He's known for 10 years she was unhappy but he didn't care until she said as soon as the kid leaves she'll leave too. Now he's trying to do something about it. Now he's desperate to fix it. 🙄
@@crossfitruston3632 obviously you have no ability to understand words. Put on your listening years and learn how to understand words because that's exactly what he said.
😢😢😢 this just made me tell my husband and son how deeply i love them ❤️ men deserve to be loved and cherished as much as women do…specially such a nice sweet men who do anything they can to make their wives happy
I opened to do my daily listening of the best show IN THE WORLD and part of me was fearful this was my husband that called in (based on title alone)🙈 😅 but upon listening this is a diff narrative. I hope the wife calls in, too
My man has been steamrolled for years. She’s had new needs weekly while he probably never asked much. She required that HE brought her happiness aside from herself. He better talk to an attorney soon because he’s about to lose his house, income, and retirement because she’s bored and “not happy”
Well according to him, he spent the last 20 years ignoring her and focusing on himself. Granted he sure sounds like he is really trying right now, hopefully she learns to trust this new man he is becoming. Though tbf she’s at that age when our hormones go freaking nuts and the world comes crashing down. Who knows I sure home they can reconnect or disconnect. Either way I do hope they find their way to a happier place.❤
This is a common theme/fantasy that plays out in the minds of many women. Women generally check out and begin a fantasy with another man. They may end up leaving their husbands for the guy they fantasize with - only to find out that the new guy wont commit and the grass isn't greener.
Thru failure becomes success. We learn thru our mistakes. If you don't love yourself, how do you expect someone else to love you. Partners need each other to be in the present. You can be piss poor, but happy that you got each other's backs.
Some women love being miserable. They live on social media, have female friends who try to sabotage them, and also have less serotonin. This guy needs to pack up and go get a lady from either South America or Asia that's excited to be alive and has a better attitude.
Heartbroken with this advice. As someone who has begged to be listened to by my husband for years, had so many broken promises and yet I have continued to pray for those promises to be met. I can truly understand where the wife may be coming from. 😢
I doubt he’s been living under a rock. When you’re married to someone you aren’t connected to, you know it. Whether it’s his fault or hers, she’s gotten to the point where she has no problem walking away. My guess is it’s been all about the kids for so long that they neglected the very relationship that brought the whole family together and became disconnected; now she’s nitpicking at him because he’s a nuisance in the house rather than a partner. She didn’t just bombshell him with that remark. Marriage is work, and they both chose to stop putting in the work somewhere through the years. No point in blaming each other at this point, but they both have to start pulling their ship again in order to reconnect.
The wife hasn’t been lying. She’s been miserable and he knew. He just expected that she would live in a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness after their kids left and she gave him a wake up call.
🔔🔔🔔 💯 What is HE DOING to connect with/fix the marriage relationship!? She isn't going surprising him. I highly doubt she's just been "waiting to leave". She's tired of talking.
Exactly my thoughts. I guarantee his wife has been telling him that something was wrong but he buried his head in the sand. Now he's acting completely blindsided.
Let's not assume she's communicated this. Many women are horrible communicators in spite of the mistaken belief that they are great communicators. Many women hint and think that constitutes communication.
@@manoflegacy That would go against all logic. She clearly communicated she was leaving him after the kids left. Are we to assume she never communicated a problem prior to this?
This is so sad. I know that after a lifetime of being someone's daughter, wife, mom, everyone else getting her body, time, attention, then the menopause begins and a woman wakes up from the estrogen cloud and says holy guacamole - I have never got to live for me! It's my time now. I'm sure men have similar feelings. They should sit together and talk about those feelings, how midlife makes this both hard and amazing, and think about working towards each other's dreams, goals, how can she throw pots and swim in the ocean, how can he run his first race and learn music, and how they can support each other and enjoy each others new endeavors.
He thought he was getting a F in her class but she never intended for him to succeed. Sorry, man, you were manipulated conditioned for the last 20 years by your wife. The recovery road is very long ahead.
.... this guy is a piece of work .. first, you tell him she's done with marriage, then you say fixing the problems are wrong, you're more then answers, and then you tell him a bunch of answers to continue "fixing"
I don’t think we watched the same pod cast….lol. We see it very differently. Paul needs to fix himself, then no matter what she chooses he’s going to be okay 👍🏼
@@a.marvellehoneyman4560 we definitely watched the same video. I said he told him trying to fix the problems is wrong and then saying he needs to fix himself is right...by ...."fixing" go to the gym, hang around a group of men, ( i dont even know how that could be helpful) and then pay for her counselor (more throwing money) or just ask his wife if she wants to go to therapy when she's threathening to leave, and then involve the kids.. giving money everytime he makes a comment. All the self-deprecation he already brought to the phone call ..he didnt even say go to counseling for yourself..bravo
@@brettconstant2154 I think we totally see it differently. He needs to have a community and go to the gym, and to counselling, I don’t think he said …don’t go to counselling…I’d have to listen again, but he could’ve made it more clear, I suppose he’s giving him his best advice based on one side of things, I don’t think his wife is completely done with him, I think she’s just annoyed, and wants a relationship with him, and him becoming the man she fell in love with…it did sound confusing because he got more information out of him as the conversation went on. I do respect your opinion, thanks for the comment.
She's a classic narcissist. Has to undermine and belittle him. Whatever he does is not enough! The more he gives, the more she wants! She convinces him that he is not enough and she is the victim!
If she leaves him, she’ll regret it deeply. Sounds like she’s suffering from a case of “ the grass might be greener on the other side.” I hope she realizes what she has because nowadays, the dating scene is brutal for women especially a 40 year old divorced woman. I’d like to know if she spends a lot time on social media. That could be the root cause of her feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage.
@@Emptytopfloor Yes they do. The problem is they can’t find anyone because they’re not wanted. They tell themselves and others that they’re “ single by choice.” 🤣🤣🤣Sure they are🤣 The competition is steep out here and there are very few good men to go around.
Correct, it’s about respect. She doesn’t respect him, and instead of telling her where to go and how to get there. He keeps capitulating and now she thinks he is a simp who can’t protect the family. Poor guy has no skills to deal with women and will rinse and repeat with his next girlfriend
That kind of attitude guarantees a divorce. Men and women both need to work to keep a marriage alive. They need to learn to meet their needs as individuals and as a couple.
water finds its own level...for every self centred materialistic guy there is a gold digger! Ask the broken hearted wallflowers who watched Mr and Mrs Wonderful gallop off into the sunset.....now they come around limping like wounded soldiers. Please!
Happiness is definitely a personal choice. As long as you're not being abused. My happiness and peace comes from within. If I relied on my husband to make me happy then I wouldn't be lol. I wish I could speak to the wife. This guy sounds like a very loving husband who puts in a lot of effort but she's just not receiving it for whatever reason. Maybe she's had some past traumas and resentments. I don't know. But I do know holding on to them is a waste of your life. My husband and I have been married 20 years now and a huge part of our success is communicating, respect and not relying on outside sources for our own happiness.
Dr. John you COMPLETELY misdiagnosed this situation. ALL THE FEMALES ON THIS PLATFORM could understand what went through the wife's head. she tried to communicate but she got nothing for 10 years. IT MAKES SENSE WHY SHE WANTS OUT!! on this occassion im with the wife
I think you misunderstood what Johns advice was. He’s trying to get the guy to help himself become a better man FOR his wife and even acknowledged that the guy was a knucklehead after he added the information that he hadn’t been doing his part despite the wife’s requests. John made it clear the guy needs to be better for himself so he can be better for her.
His wife lost attraction for him because he’s weak and constantly apologizes for just being himself and tries to atone for it. How much you want to bet this is also a sexless/very little intimacy marriage as well?
There is something else missing in this story i would like to hear her talk and ask certain questions. We don't know if she works Her hobbies, if she goes out etc Yes he is weak but she is not clicking with him ir he is totally afraid of her
There are two sides to the story. And there are just too many jaded men in the comment section that automatically assume all women are their exes. Now into the topic at hand, the walking on eggshells. While men here jump all to being a provider and assume that’s all women want; not all women want a provider and not all women want a best friend. But, and here’s the thing he said something that is important to note: he works and travels a large percentage of time. The question that must be asked is does she work, did he travel for when when they dated, did she know he would he traveling, was that an expectation? To further this, did she want all the kids? Maybe she wanted one but not all, maybe she wanted help because she worked and also child-reared? Did she communicate her frustrations effectively? Or was it just whining? Did she ask for help at any time? Ask for a companion? Asked for a sounding board? Did he listen? Did he pressure her without knowing for more children? Did society do the pressuring? Long story short: this can be a woman that has been speaking effectively but he has not been listening throughout decades or one that speaks but I effectively or not at all. But it appears she had a frustration warranted or not and is vocal about it. I often find that unless men work in the military; working and traveling for work, going for long trips with friends and golfing is a form of eacapism from being a couple so the question is was he there emotionally? Men assume that as long as they bring cash all is good but fears is what you want is a prostitute then pay for such elsewhere. A marriage is a relationship and it’s not you giving cash and disappearing and only solving issues. It’s you just sitting down and listening and sometimes letting go of some of your solving problems and allowing the women to spread their own wings. And this ain’t to the caller because we don’t really know what happened. She can be someone frustrated, she can have checked out, she can be a narcissist but honestly we aren’t either of them and we don’t know all sides. I think counseling is best here so they can learn to speak to one another again. And this by the way also goes to all parties viewing this video
She is not moving the goal posts but has likely sufferred a long drought and starvation of his TIME or caring. He assummed cause everything was still smoothly running all was good. He ignored her warning shots for yearss. She sees her daughters leaving home and knows she will have zero connections to her spouse. She is facing losing her children, and being stuck with Mr. Emotionally stunted, tone deaf for years not a spouse just an uninterested flatliner, She is tired, and alone in this marriage and has been for years, You can tell by what she asked for, ie couple time and family time, likely been asking for both for years, and got neither. This is her last attempt at them being a happy couple, and also grandparents. She looks back and knows that likely aint happening either. Might be too little too late dude. Own it instead of blaming her for moving the goal post. You weren't in the game and she knows it.
This guy travels a lot and when he’s around he has his marriage and parenting on a checklist as if his family are chores. If she felt loved and heard she wouldn’t be threatening to leave. Is he spending quality time with his kids away from his wife? Did he ever call them when he was away on business? Did he bond with them growing up or did he buy them stuff to compensate? This stuff didn’t just happen, it took many years.
I am at the 11 minute mark when I had to pause it. Want to know if she works? At 42, it’s had to walk away from 20 years of something you thought you had but he is still young enough to start over. Tell her to get out now and file for divorce. You can’t make someone want you.
Im telling you i would never let someone deal with me that way..this man is defeated..he is to passive...it would take this years to develop a backbone..poor guy
An exercise that works well for me is after waking up and before I raise from bed, I place my hand on my heart and say "Good morning Mike, I love you." Been smiling every morning for over 2 years.
Love this ❤
😂
thats not necessary
Cringe 😅
@@fh1980ram Men complain about “society” not caring about their mental health, but when a man does a simple affirmation every morning you shame & mock him. You are a huge part of the problem with men’s poor mental health, then turn around and complain 🙄
Women can at least support each other, and men, with sincerity when something works for another whether or not it would work for you. Geez.
Honestly, men’s mental health issues are the natural consequences of their dumba** thoughts and actions. Your “loneliness epidemic” is completely deserved.
He sounds like sweet man that has sacrificed so much for his family. He deserves to love his life.
If this sweet man does not turn into a Red Pilled aye wh@le & start leading his woman she is going to take him to the divorce court cleaners.
And that’s a lot of the problem. He’s a sweet man. Women DO NOT want a sweet man. His wife has already checked out and probably already getting piped by another man that’s not sweet. It’s what women do in todays world.
Breaks my heart when the good ones aren't valued.
He has nice guy syndrome, glad he's seeking help
His story is sadly true for many many men. Remember what majority initiate divorces the most.
We get tossed to the curb like tomorrow’s garbage.
My husband struggles with the idea that he must be the thing that makes and keeps me happy and if I’m not then it’s his fault. Gentlemen, I promise you, that’s not how this works. No one is happy all the time. And happiness isn’t 100% predicated or dependent on other people. It’s largely internal. Our daughter turns 3 tomorrow. Pregnancy and post partum were not kind to me and the effects have been lasting and damaging. And that’s not my husband’s fault at all.
IDK I have to disagree. Nobody is happy all the time, but your spouse needs to foster the relationship to make you happy.
@@mistermanman You don't know what's happening in their marriage yet you are automatically assuming the husband is failing.
Then why do so many women take it out on the husband if it’s not their fault?
@@evanl889 Projection and Hypergamy. Hypergamy cannot be reasoned with. If you weren't her first choice for marriage, she'll secretly resent you.
@@evanl889 Honestly? Most women don't know what they want. They think they do but it can change with the wind. And that can drive guys crazy because we think we're doing what's right just to have the rules of the game change.
I almost choked on my pork chop when he said the bit about after the kids being grown and gone!! This poor man!!! I wish I could hug him!!
A hug would help but can you do us men a favor. Since you are a woman can you explain in great detail why women behave like this, like little spoiled kids who think they can say and do anything they want 🧐🤔
Sounds like he's been neglecting them all his life and only wants help now that they no longer have to depend on him financially
I'd open the door.
It’s a sad situation 😞 but you did make me chuckle about almost choking on your pork chop!😂
Let’s hope he gets strong enough to walk away.
@@mooncake8742Well, when you have a society that tells men they are nothing outside of what they can provide, this is what you get when everything comes to an end.
I NEVER want to create this kind of environment for my relationship. I’ve stopped holding my tongue and building up resentment. The real skill is non confrontational conversations about needs, and a negotiation. That’s it.
You go right ahead and talk until you realize you got no ear or heart recieving the talk just a brick wall.
Agreed. My husband and I learned that and it really helps. He was earlier in the relationship that tried to be "nice" and hold kinds of stuff back. With some couples therapy and some work we finally got to a place to just say things to each other even if it's not the best thing at times. It just get's things over and done with in 5 minutes and back to being good.
You got a sister?
100%
Yeah, except. Very, very, very few women actually listen. Tell me do, what does your husband want? do you know? have you asked?
Man this is why you cannot become two dimensional, just a provider and a dad.
You must still spend time with friends. You must continue to date your wife through your entire marriage. This is where you grow and nurture connection and intimacy.
Yes!💯
It sounds like his wife is just a huge b*tch. He sounds so defeated
Screenshot and sent this to my spouse... he is the best dad and provider in the world but pur marriage is so empty... and he doesn't understand why... this 100.
@@krissifaith6709have you tried dating him instead of waiting for him to fill the marriage?
this is more than enough, dont marry spoiled women
This is one of the most important videos ever made and all men need to watch, listen and learn. My ex was the same as this guy - torn in all directions by his coercively controlling family and jealous daughter; didn’t deal with childhood wounds; buried his head in the sand and expecting serious financial issues to magically disappear, and thinking his career defined him. He lost everything - and in the process, destroyed the life of an innocent person who would have helped him and loved him for who he is until the day he died. What a legacy!
I was that wife unhappy all the time until I learned my husband could never fill the void in my heart. Only God could. I don’t try and find happiness from him only love him and support him. I show grace to him where he falls short because I want the same for myself. Christ alone brought me that peace and I hope she figures that out too before their marriage is destroyed.
That's a really profound insight. I've learned that too. Ten years this year. I have to remind myself that the perfect Man is Jesus Christ.
In all honesty It sounds like you didn’t want to be with him and decided to settle so you stopped trying to see what’s wrong bout him
Yes 💯
❤
If he’s not showing up, it’s not God it’s him
no one can make anyone else happy. Its not your responsibility, its theirs. focus on your own happiness, its the only thing you have control over.
Bingo. Too many people, especially women, expect others to make them happy.
A person's happiness is their own responsibility, period.
@@black4vcobraok, in that case, men shouldn’t complain when their wives don’t feel like giving them sex. Men should find their happiness (predominantly sex 😆) within themselves.
@@EmptytopfloorIs sex something to “give” to men, as if women don’t enjoy it themselves?
@@youtubelady6118 most married women don’t get orgasms…….that’s a fact. Take that as you may. I think most women “give” men pity sex.
@@Emptytopfloor Sure, and women shouldn't complain when men decide not to pay for things. Women should provide for themselves. Isn't equality fun?
Ha ha ha - I feel like every woman has said to her husband “I don’t want you to fix it, I want you to listen” at least once. This caller seems like such a sweet and caring guy who wants to do better and is so motivated. John gave him such fantastic advice.
And that's the start of the end of the relationship. She wants him to cater to her way of operating while not respecting his. _AND_ if he stopped fixing problems, she'd be all over him. I've had to tell my g/f that if she only wants to vent, she needs to recognize I'm not the person to do it to; she needs to do that with her girl friends because it will drive me crazy being expected to just sit there and nod while she goes off. Men and women are different; people need to respect that.
@@csx6910my husband sits there and listens when I’m frustrated. There’s not always “something to fix”. How is he supposed to fix work drama or a toxic work dynamic? He can’t. How is he supposed to fix a dysfunctional family relationship? He can’t.
So you’re saying woman need to shut up about everything unless her husband can fix it? I think the problem in your relationship is you, pal, if it’s really that hard for you to listen.
@@user-if4ke6en9r I'm saying she needs to pick her audience better. You just described something far worse than you realize: Putting the weight of her problems on his shoulders knowing he can do nothing about them. Putting the stress of being powerless onto him while he has to take care of everything else. There's a less than flattering term for this sort of thing: an emotional t@mpon. Or a 'dammit doll'. You feel better while he feels worse. And you don't even think that's selfish. Amazing.
Get a therapist if you really need one.
If you have a problem at work, guess what? There is a possible fix to that: get another job, go through proper channels to correct the problem, adopt stress-reliving practices that doesn't put it on someone else to make you feel better. All possible solutions you didn't even consider because you think complaining in and of itself is a solution.
Dysfunctional family relationship? Establish reasonable boundaries and if they're crossed, cut the person from your life. What, that's too tough? Then it must not be too bad so stop complaining about it. Again, a solution not even considered because complaining is preferred.
You expect him to adapt and mold himself around your expectations while almost certainly ignoring that he likely hates it. You want to whine; he wants to slay the dragon. Every problem has a solution but you have to actually WANT to fix it.
@@csx6910 that's just you being rude.
@@elladeon That's just you being selfish.
I love this call. This is great general advice. Im sure there are lots of guys in this situation. And to all the people in the comments hating on the wife. Sure she could have handled some things differently, but from his own admission he wasnt listening to her. Best of luck Paul, you can do it!
There’s a lot of men that don’t listen to their gf/wives yet they still stick around and love them.
The caller is a soft, spineless bata bux provider type that doesn’t set boundaries and enforce them. His wife can cross the line he draws in the sand and he’ll just keep backing up and apologizing for it.
That behavior is very unattractive to women and almost always leads to sexless marriages and divorce.
It would be really helpful to have the wife’s perspective on this call… I will say that telling your spouse, “I don’t have to be with you once the kids are gone,” does not sound like a loving spouse. But again, we need more information.
Yes did this husband leave out some important information or details here? Is there a missing puzzle piece? Why is his wife so resentful of him?
Yeah I don’t get the vibe she’s just some evil wife
No we don't.. she sounds like a POS
@@samisoddisn't it funny how it's always "we need the other side of the story" when it comes to a man explaining about his wife... But never the other way around.
@@randybobandy9828exactly what I was just thinking. Whenever it seems to be the wife’s fault, they say “there must be more to this story” yet have no problem dunking on the man when his wife calls in complaining about him. This guy took so much accountability in this phone call, sounds like he’s been manipulated into thinking everything is his fault.
The caller really stated exactly what the problem is. He admitted that he has not been listening even after his wife told him that was the problem(listen to minute 5). Now she’s fed up, said she’s leaving and Now he’s panicking.
All best to both.
Lol nah bro this is on the wife. She’s a dumb ass or ever saying what she said. And he should run now before his last kid graduates
But what she's saying is bullshit.
Yes! Many people in the comments calling this guy sweet and caring, but I bet it's all on the wife and her mental load to remind him to do things with kids etc. Now she's just done telling him what to do if he didn't pick anything on his own while the youngest is only a year away from college.
@@Musiycadude works and provides for the family!
@@Sqd1981 escaping to work to avoid emotional intimacy and strengthening the relationship? got it
14:09 Teared up when he said "OK!" That was the point where he felt hope in this whole conversation.
If my wife told me that I would get the message loud and clear.
Yes i get you, but sometimes it's not the end. Maybe (as pointed out) it's a sign that you need to change things up and make it work.
Yup and I would smile and start packing my bags and tools and planning my exit.
Crystal. This poor man.🙏🏽
@@johniii8147if they communicate it to you that way then, for any person that respects themselves, its time to leave
Easy to say that when it’s not happening to you
Her execution isn’t perfect, but this sounds like a tale as old as time. He’s open to change and doing the hard work after she’s been expressing her needs and unhappiness for a decade and has finally hit a breaking point. 🤔 Something isn’t adding up.
Those tattoos scream "emotional damage"
@@MikeyPaper🙄
One of two things.
1. The husband hasn't been changing with her the way she wants him to.
2. The damage is done, it doesn't matter if he changes, she will keep looking at him for all the stuff he did wrong only, not the efforts he's making now.
@@Kinglore2000 dude needs to leave, he will find someone better, easily. She will become bitter and lonely
It sounds like his wife checked out a long time ago. Like John said, all he can do is make an honest, heartfelt appeal to explore a new season in their lives together. If she's out, he's a nice guy, there are lots of older women looking for a good man...LOTS!!
This guy is 42..he sounds like he is 72.
Consequences of feeling beaten down
Before he told his age, I was like aahh poor old man his retirement days are bad .... DAMN MAN 42!!!!!
A terrible woman will do that to a man
Paul's wife needs to listen to this to realize what a great husband she has. Such a lovely person. Many would love a spouse who cares this much. ❤
That would be rational and unfortunately women are irrational aka: controlled by their emotions, emotions which come from ever changing hormones.
He hasn’t know the vulnerability part that’s all, he loves his family!
Men are simple. Women are convoluted and scheming.
@@georgevue8175Stop it. I'm tired of all the women and men bashing online. This isn't the exclusive purview of women to be crappy spouses. You know there are great wives out there with shitty husbands. Lots of them. Because this isn't about how women suck or men suck. It's about how many people out there make poor relationship material, and somehow they manage to fool good people into a marriage with them. I was certainly fooled by my first husband. Being empathetic is a good trait, but we have to be careful because we tend to attract the users.
@@georgevue8175 and this is why violent crimes are 85% male- because men are so good at remaining rational and not giving in to their testosterone. Or why men say they are biologically inclined to cheat- because they are so in control of their hormonal pressures. lolololol. Bless your heart.
This sounds so similar to my marriage. My husband expressed his desire for a divorce. I've given him the roadmap to what I need and spelled it out so plainly, but he just doesn't want to love me the way I feel love and chooses daily to overlook my needs. I've laid my life down for this man and instead of stepping up, he's choosing to step out. I hope the man on this call can figure it out. Most women just want to feel cherished and loved. You can make a million mistakes everyday and as long as you let me know I'm loved I can extend grace and forgive. Every. Single. Time.
That sounds like every good man's dream. Nightmare for bad boys who attempt marriage. I hope you find what you're truly looking for.
Alot of women don't know how to love their men the way they want to be loved either!
@cassandra_h
"You can make a million mistakes everyday and as long as you let me know I'm loved I can extend grace and forgive."
Do you realize how haughty, disgustingly superior and entitled you sound? Positioning yourself as one who has power to extend grace and forgive while the man is someone who constantly makes mistakes??
That sentence is a sentence that might only come from God. Surely, the sentiment you revealed here is felt by your husband.
THAT'S WHY HE WANTS A DIVORCE!!
@@darlenepaul2918 That's because men aren't open to that. They need to learn how to receive love the way she gives it instead of forcing her to make it all about him. That's just utter selfishness.
If your realy for real no B.S. your realy special i would have to.see it to believe it, i guess anythings possible!
You can't make someone else happy. It's impossible.
As long as you are being a good supportive husband and father... you've done your part.
If she is done... get ready for the inevitable.
Yeah it's quite possible ( and i don't judge either side here) she maybe ready to move on to another chapter in her life. I'm in my 50s myself and I've seen it from several of my both women and men friends just ready to move on to something else. My women friends actually seem happier without the ex. Guys tend be more needy in wanting someone.
dont marry spoiled bitches
She's cheating.
You can, if you are a good match for her and she for you. These two grew apart.
@@johniii8147 yet guys are pegged as the heartless ones
Listen to me (a woman’s perspective). She doesn’t respect you because of your constant nice-guy-apologetic attitude. Falling on your sword to bring a woman back never works. Let her separate for a while (without divorce). She’ll realise how miserable and lonely life is without you and she’ll come running back. No one else beside you is clamouring to get together with a negative critical middle aged lady with adult children. When she returns, be sure to have grown a backbone, some confidence and a life outside of her. Then she’ll appreciate you once you allow her to discover your value
I agree with you but wouldnt want her back
Telling me that you could leave me doesn't make me do better. It makes me give up because my wife has given up on me.
This
These things tend to be a lot more complicated than
@@johniii8147no it really isnt...
@johniii8147 my ex use to tell me, " I can find someone that will....."
I wasn't encouraged at all by her statements. I felt I wasn't good enough but what I wanted was unconditional love not conditional. 6 months after the separation I went on my 1st date, the lady told me, "I will never leave my husband". I knew right there with that statement we was going to make it. That statement and the way she loves me makes me want to be the best....but she tells me just always try sweetie.
@@robr268 Well sounds like you made a bad choice on the first one. It happens. But I'm not sure sure about the statement " I will never leave my husband" Especially on a first date. That's creepy it even comes up.And don't kid yourself. Love always has some conditions to it on what is acceptable and what is not. You don't get a free pass on that. Relationships ( the good ones) always take some work.
Whatever the outcome, hope this man knows that he absolutely tried and if his wife is still unhappy, I hope he finds a compatible partner.
"You can't expect others to love you when you hate yourself."
Touche
You can expect them to not be a chronically negative dissatisfied ass though.
The saying should be "Happy life - happy life". If you think about it, it makes sense.
The happy wife is outside of your control. Live your best life and see who tags along on your journey.
This happened in one of my first relationships. She controlled who I hung out with, when I could go hang out with only my guy friends, and belittle me in front of a variety of people. She did this in front of my mom, which woke me up when my mom laid out how bad she was treating me. When you hear it for so long, you shrug it off, then believe it. Looking back, I learned so much, and it helped me grow.
Your mom had your back, dude. Awesome.
The isolation is done to make you lose perspective on the actual amounts of abuse you endure. Once you tell it all to someone you trust, like a close family member or a therapist, it becomes apparent.
The isolation also comes naturally when you're grinding and have kids.
@IHateNicolasCage Yea, she always has and is the best! Sometimes, you need someone objective or at least who isn't emotionally evolved to clear your head and help you see what is right in front of you.
@@IHateNicolasCageyour moniker 😂😂
The biggest mistake men make is lose their self identity to make her happy. Keep your friends, keep your hobbies and interests and if she doesn’t like it tough there’s the door. My ex tried to get me to take my subwoofers out of my car. I was like nope this is who I am take it or leave it
I just listened to this whole thing again, because something seems off. If you listen to the ages, they have been together since they were 19 or 20, and a family the whole time (he's 42, oldest twins are 23). Likely they are each others first and only relationship.
He says he travels a lot for work, so he's gone a lot (this is hard on relationships I know), and in his eyes everything was great up to the last year. Now everything he does seems to be wrong according to her. He tries to do better and she keeps moving the goal posts, he feels everything is his fault. She flat told him that as soon as the last child is gone, she can go do what she wants.
I think she is having an affair, this is all so classic, and she is looking for the out where its not her fault and justify it to herself. I think he needs to get a PI to find out if something is happening when he is gone and protect himself, I truly hope I am wrong. He seems like such a good guy, I really feal sorry for him. I am sure he was not the perfect husband, none of us are, but he does not deserve this,.
You nailed it my dude! She is bored of him and wants to go back to the street so she can try new toys.
@@kissengerc9468 My money is on high school/collage sweethearts, and she got pregnant. She spent her 20's and 30's raising kids. Now she has a side guy that is going to give he the life she thinks she missed out on, or she has just convinced herself that the grass is greener somewhere else. She's done, there is no fixing this now, she is going to have to go and find out for her self. Its very sad.
Good call, there is probably an affair. She's making him feel like the failure in the relationship to remove guilt on her part.
She’s done because he’s shown her he’s checked out a long time ago. He isn’t invested anymore and she is no longer getting from him what she needs; attention and true intimacy.
I resonate with the wife. My husband is the gently spoken nice guy but he's complacent and ive assumed the masculine role in our relationship (not by choice, I felt I had to in order to progress in our life together). Now im drowning in resentment and my husband feels like he can't make me happy. He also has no life outside of me and our daughter. I wish he had hobbies or friends.
Poor guy
I’m a female and although we don’t know her side of the story, I have a feeling she’s the problem. He’s constantly blaming himself and says sorry for things he didn’t even cause. Neither are perfect but if she’s unwilling to see where she can be a better wife as well as you be a better husband, she will be perpetually unhappy. And that’s on her, not you.
Exactly well said. She will always be unhappy, she thinks leaving will make her happy, but she is about to find out how miserable she really is when she has no one. He should leave and say he is done, he will be so much happier not needing to please this miserable women.
the worse wife I ever seen
Exactly!!! So many times women look at marriage through a selfish lens. Like, “what they are not doing” and “what more they can I get out of this”; but they never look at all the husband does do, what he does give.
This man does not seem to be some absent shitty partner, it seems like he is trying his best to make her happy.
He does need to stand up for her/stop following, start leading a bit more.
Chances are they grew apart, not a good match anymore.
I have been in a relationship like this before and it was draining asf. He needs to get out of that marriage.
Well now wait a minute,maybe the ladys have somthing here,in the las min.or 2 i heard some thing that sounded like a drink of cold water out on the deasert ,maybe we need them to elaborate on what was said back there. I think i kind of like it for a change.
Wow. How are we so cruel? Who says such mean things to their husband??? 😮
It's pretty much exclusively said by narcissists in an attempt to control their partner.
Vast majority of wives. Ask every divorced man.
@@jackdeniston59 Not true. There are a lot of narcissists out there, and they can be men too. In fact, in studies, men scored higher in narcissism. Ultimately, people who make good spouses need to be very cautious because they're the ones who attract narcissists (who are very good at hiding their true selves until it's too late).
@@73cidalia Can you demonstrate any where, anywhere a woman has been blamed for her behaviour? Let alone been held accountable? ´Studies´
I found out my wife (at that time of twelve years) was having an affair. She offered to stay in a platonic marriage for two years until the kids were slightly older (I took this as "I'm going to keep seeing him) and that even if it didn't work out with him, she would find someone else.
I can relate so much to this caller. I worked to provide for us while she didn't. I had to wake her up every morning after I took care of the kids and got them breakfast. I took care of the kids immediately when I came home. I did laundry, cleaned the house. I would plan dates and try to connect, but she was always on her computer or phone. She expressed needing time to take care of herself, so I gave her a "day off" each month to do things for herself while I watched the kids. I was completely drained, and she did nothing to support me.
After divorcing, I realized that I had always tried to meet her unrealistic expectations and self-sacrifice when she was mostly just interested in using me. And it was on me for not setting boundaries with her sooner.
This call was sooo good. Dr Delony deserves a platform bigger than Brene Brown! He needs to become a household name because his advice is so good and tangible! These practices changed me and saved my life and the lives of my kids when I experienced postpartum psychosis five years ago. I didn’t have the tools I needed but I am so grateful I eventually discovered them. Listening to Dr Delony has reiterated how these simple tools can make life live able and joyful!
You will never make her happy. Stop jumping through hoops for her and let her leave if she wants. She will soon realize how good she had it.
This!!
He's probably worried about getting financially wrecked if she doesn't work.
I mean the kids are 18 so not much financial damage that can happen at this point
I wonder about that. 30 yrs in, been considered sexless for 20. If wife worked, she’d make more than me, but she’s stays at home. I just wonder how bad a hit financially it would be?
@@2taxedout she gets half and you pay for her attorney fees, so minimum 2/3rds of your net worth.
I can hear in his tone that he is a very good man and means well. I pray that he keeps his family together into the next phase of life, eventually have grandchildren that he and his wife can enjoy. To stop now that the kids are grown is way too soon.
If his wife has been unhappy all those years and he hasn’t noticed therein lies the problem.
I'm sure she has been communicating small stuff here and there for a long time and now she's so done with him. You're so right. The fact that he has noooo clue what I going on speaks volumes.
BS … your happiness is your responsibility…not primarily your spouses. This is a cop out, my guess is he never asked much of her while she had new needs every week.
@@FrankS111 this very much depends on the scenario. With women, if there is A Thing that they used to complain about and all of a sudden they stop, and nothing changed, that means that they have given up on the relationship and they are coasting. There are definitely some women who are impossible to please and want to be catered to in unreasonable ways. But there are times when there is something - problems with finances, sex, communication, something - and the guy just doesn't take it seriously. So, to him, nothing is wrong because he doesn't care about that thing, and to the wife, this is a major problem that he has shown he doesn't even care about trying to fix. And then when she's ready (like when their youngest child graduates), she's gone.
I wish the wife would call too so I can hear her side just to see exactly who is the problem in the marriage.
She's been a b to him, he takes it.. she loses respect for him because he doesn't stand up for himself. It's an ironic cycle.
Paul needs some strong male friends that love him.
This call is breaking my man! He really wants to be there for his family. For all the men who couldn’t give a crap, and he’s just not appreciated at all 😢
It’s sad cuz if he left he be considered a terrible Parrish wife beating terrorist
Sounds like he's gotten his wake up call. He is finally feeling motivated to listen & act on his wife's needs. I wish him the best, things can turn around for this couple if they humble themselves & be open to change.
No. He’s been beat down by a characterologically unhappy woman. His self-esteem is just so low that he lacks the stones to stand up for himself and realize that she’s the problem.
If you try to make an unhappy woman “happy”. She will resent it, and lose respect for you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, right enough, or done the right way.
She’ll nitpick you to death and keep moving the goalposts so that she stays unhappy and avoids the closeness she finds so threatening.
@@Katherinedawn25 marriages can be improved and restored. You've only heard one side of the story, don't assume anything without hearing her side too. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
@@kellygreenii I'd like to hear her side of the story. Lots of men ignore problems for so long that wives build resentments and "become the problem" when it was really the man who ignored her for 10 years.
@@misstishwyo Because women often have a problem communicating DIRECTLY. No he shouldn’t “just know”.
That’s asking the man to be your father, not your husband.
@@kellygreenii The caller literally said that his wife has listed out what she needs multiple times and that he didn't listen, unlike John who did when his wife told him 7 years ago. So many men online want to blame women for everything. This guy wants to fight for his marriage, you don't have to.
My husband and I are in the same place. I started therapy and he switched therapists with the plan to do couples therapy. We are actively working to avoid divorce after our kids are gone.
Good for both of you.
So you told your husband "kids are almost out of the nest and I don't have to be with you anymore?" Wow, nice...
@@randybobandy9828no, I told him that I wasn’t happy and I was concerned for his mental health. He needed to get help because I couldn’t continue in the marriage if he didn’t.
Dude I love this guy. This almost made me cry. He’s trying
Trying is not enough. We need results. He needs to do better, obviously.
@@jdb6026 Found the misandrist.
He did his job but was not availble as a partner. He made a maid out of his wife and she is fed up with him
I’m a female but this is exactly what we talked about at therapy yesterday. What is my value aside from my labor? I have no idea. Therapy lady says I do have value and I am definitely needed by the kids. I’m supposed to try to figure out how to like myself and write down the nasty things my inner voice says. Idk man. It makes too much sense
Sweet guy, I hope this turns around for him.
Dr. John, Thank you for reminding me that if I can't expect anyone to love me if I hate myself. What helps me to know that what I hate about myself is what God loves about me. My tenacious love.
I feel so bad for him. He’s beating himself up a lot. But this got me thinking what’s the other half of the story? Because it definitely sounds like his wife is totally checked out. Did he cheat on her?
Many times people beat themselves up when they know they fucked up. Only God knows the real story here. Something feels left out.
My marriage has hit a low point. My wife is short tempered with me and does not value my feelings. I am done apologizing for things I shouldn't apologize for in order to keep the peace. I am no longer going to be concerned about my feelings or even keeping the peace, but my self-worth is important and my outlook is important to me.
Man no one deserves this 😣 she’s just miserable and wants to make the whole house miserable 💔
The life of a single mother is not so glamorous, no matter how your kids are.
This guy sounds so utterly sweet, and he is trying so hard. I hope he can find a way to find his self worth. ❤
When a husband travels for work he is removing himself from the situations where a wife NEEDS their protector to stand up and resolve an issue.
She’s been forced to lead the household without him and is HURTING because of that and they both believe that he isn’t nurturing her enough. She needs the strength of your presence
Sorry but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. Sometimes we have to travel for work...
I hope it works out for him. He sounds like a genuine sweetheart
These guys who hold on for dear life to someone who doesn't want them.
I know... its so bizarre.
Man, the way the guy says “okay”. He just sounds so defeated. I hope things get better for him.
He's known for 10 years she was unhappy but he didn't care until she said as soon as the kid leaves she'll leave too. Now he's trying to do something about it. Now he's desperate to fix it. 🙄
Why is your comments always retarded? he literally said she didnt express that she was unhappy before.
What a manipulative and horrible way to twist that scenario
@@crossfitruston3632 obviously you have no ability to understand words. Put on your listening years and learn how to understand words because that's exactly what he said.
John...youre absolutely right. This is killing a generation of men. None of us feel like we are loved.
😢😢😢 this just made me tell my husband and son how deeply i love them ❤️ men deserve to be loved and cherished as much as women do…specially such a nice sweet men who do anything they can to make their wives happy
Dude needs to read “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Robert Glover
💯💯💯changed my life
I opened to do my daily listening of the best show IN THE WORLD and part of me was fearful this was my husband that called in (based on title alone)🙈 😅 but upon listening this is a diff narrative. I hope the wife calls in, too
My man has been steamrolled for years. She’s had new needs weekly while he probably never asked much. She required that HE brought her happiness aside from herself. He better talk to an attorney soon because he’s about to lose his house, income, and retirement because she’s bored and “not happy”
Well according to him, he spent the last 20 years ignoring her and focusing on himself. Granted he sure sounds like he is really trying right now, hopefully she learns to trust this new man he is becoming. Though tbf she’s at that age when our hormones go freaking nuts and the world comes crashing down. Who knows I sure home they can reconnect or disconnect. Either way I do hope they find their way to a happier place.❤
She said a couple of weeks ago she wants quality one on one time with You... She loves You. Be present and be You ..
This was so heartbreaking to listen to . I hope they work it out.
Dr.John, huge fan. You were cooking this episode!! Great advice. Wish we could get an update on the poor fella .
My ex pulled this crap. It was because she was idealizing another guy on the side. Sometimes the best thing in life is to move on and find peace.
This is a common theme/fantasy that plays out in the minds of many women. Women generally check out and begin a fantasy with another man. They may end up leaving their husbands for the guy they fantasize with - only to find out that the new guy wont commit and the grass isn't greener.
@@MikeyPaperexactly what happened in my situation. She then expected for me to take her back, I told her no.
@@Dansyounggood... kick her butt to the curb. Cheaters do not get a 2nd chance.
Thru failure becomes success. We learn thru our mistakes. If you don't love yourself, how do you expect someone else to love you.
Partners need each other to be in the present. You can be piss poor, but happy that you got each other's backs.
This exactly happened to me and now I'm free.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, they’ll use any reason not to be. They’re just waiting for you to drop the ball so they can punish you.
Some women love being miserable. They live on social media, have female friends who try to sabotage them, and also have less serotonin. This guy needs to pack up and go get a lady from either South America or Asia that's excited to be alive and has a better attitude.
Thank you for making this world a betta place.
Heartbroken with this advice. As someone who has begged to be listened to by my husband for years, had so many broken promises and yet I have continued to pray for those promises to be met. I can truly understand where the wife may be coming from. 😢
This guy is calling a radio show talking about how he’s the problem….
Can you see how this situation might be a little different?
@@Vapourwear i mean, maybe he’s finally self aware
How much have you listened to him? Are you a victim here? Maybe your husband is miserable from your treatment of him. Think about it!
Broken promises are the worst
I doubt he’s been living under a rock. When you’re married to someone you aren’t connected to, you know it. Whether it’s his fault or hers, she’s gotten to the point where she has no problem walking away. My guess is it’s been all about the kids for so long that they neglected the very relationship that brought the whole family together and became disconnected; now she’s nitpicking at him because he’s a nuisance in the house rather than a partner. She didn’t just bombshell him with that remark. Marriage is work, and they both chose to stop putting in the work somewhere through the years. No point in blaming each other at this point, but they both have to start pulling their ship again in order to reconnect.
Betatization by a thousand concessions.
The wife hasn’t been lying. She’s been miserable and he knew. He just expected that she would live in a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness after their kids left and she gave him a wake up call.
🔔🔔🔔 💯
What is HE DOING to connect with/fix the marriage relationship!? She isn't going surprising him. I highly doubt she's just been "waiting to leave". She's tired of talking.
Exactly my thoughts. I guarantee his wife has been telling him that something was wrong but he buried his head in the sand. Now he's acting completely blindsided.
Let's not assume she's communicated this. Many women are horrible communicators in spite of the mistaken belief that they are great communicators. Many women hint and think that constitutes communication.
@@manoflegacy That would go against all logic. She clearly communicated she was leaving him after the kids left. Are we to assume she never communicated a problem prior to this?
@manoflegacy as a woman, I can confirm I had to get over the fact my husband can NOT read my mind. And that took years.!
This is so sad. I know that after a lifetime of being someone's daughter, wife, mom, everyone else getting her body, time, attention, then the menopause begins and a woman wakes up from the estrogen cloud and says holy guacamole - I have never got to live for me! It's my time now. I'm sure men have similar feelings. They should sit together and talk about those feelings, how midlife makes this both hard and amazing, and think about working towards each other's dreams, goals, how can she throw pots and swim in the ocean, how can he run his first race and learn music, and how they can support each other and enjoy each others new endeavors.
He thought he was getting a F in her class but she never intended for him to succeed. Sorry, man, you were manipulated conditioned for the last 20 years by your wife. The recovery road is very long ahead.
.... this guy is a piece of work .. first, you tell him she's done with marriage, then you say fixing the problems are wrong, you're more then answers, and then you tell him a bunch of answers to continue "fixing"
I don’t think we watched the same pod cast….lol. We see it very differently. Paul needs to fix himself, then no matter what she chooses he’s going to be okay 👍🏼
@@a.marvellehoneyman4560 we definitely watched the same video. I said he told him trying to fix the problems is wrong and then saying he needs to fix himself is right...by ...."fixing" go to the gym, hang around a group of men, ( i dont even know how that could be helpful) and then pay for her counselor (more throwing money) or just ask his wife if she wants to go to therapy when she's threathening to leave, and then involve the kids.. giving money everytime he makes a comment. All the self-deprecation he already brought to the phone call ..he didnt even say go to counseling for yourself..bravo
@@brettconstant2154 I think we totally see it differently. He needs to have a community and go to the gym, and to counselling, I don’t think he said …don’t go to counselling…I’d have to listen again, but he could’ve made it more clear, I suppose he’s giving him his best advice based on one side of things, I don’t think his wife is completely done with him, I think she’s just annoyed, and wants a relationship with him, and him becoming the man she fell in love with…it did sound confusing because he got more information out of him as the conversation went on. I do respect your opinion, thanks for the comment.
More like you didn’t understand anything John was saying.
Wow this is defenatly a form of abuse, she keeps beating him down. She's cheating and wants a way out. Let her go. Who would say something like that!
I agree with you
That's EXACTLY the first thing I thought!
She's a classic narcissist. Has to undermine and belittle him. Whatever he does is not enough! The more he gives, the more she wants! She convinces him that he is not enough and she is the victim!
… this is what it sounds like when doves cry… 💜
Don’t make me chase you…
…even doves have pride
If she leaves him, she’ll regret it deeply. Sounds like she’s suffering from a case of “ the grass might be greener on the other side.” I hope she realizes what she has because nowadays, the dating scene is brutal for women especially a 40 year old divorced woman. I’d like to know if she spends a lot time on social media. That could be the root cause of her feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage.
Yes she would certainley regret it because, very few guys in the world can tolerate such behaviour.
Gray divorces are on the rise…….but women from these divorces rarely ever seek out new partners. You might be thinking wrong.
@@richardv9648 And very few men want a 40 year old divorced woman who’s living off alimony. 😅
@@Emptytopfloor Yes they do. The problem is they can’t find anyone because they’re not wanted. They tell themselves and others that they’re “ single by choice.” 🤣🤣🤣Sure they are🤣 The competition is steep out here and there are very few good men to go around.
@@kisht7469 I suggest you look into academic research studies on the topic. It’s very obvious. Men have an issue with loneliness. Women don’t.
Appeasement doesn't work in war, politics, or love. The more you try to make someone happy the more they resent you.
Bingo
Correct, it’s about respect. She doesn’t respect him, and instead of telling her where to go and how to get there. He keeps capitulating and now she thinks he is a simp who can’t protect the family. Poor guy has no skills to deal with women and will rinse and repeat with his next girlfriend
If she is unhappy, that is her problem not yours. Nothing you can do about it.
I mean, if she is unhappy with him, as opposed to being an unhappy person, then yes, he could do something about it.
@@elladeon Like what ?
@@ozzycorteshe should fart on her head
That kind of attitude guarantees a divorce. Men and women both need to work to keep a marriage alive. They need to learn to meet their needs as individuals and as a couple.
@@c2s2942 Men are not responsible for Women’s happiness.
There is so much that can guarantee divorce.
Just bought your book at Target for 13.99 God knows I need to read it
Let me know how it is please
Sounds like such a sweet man. ❤❤ you can love you, man
It's not you dude. She's not a happy person inside. She'll blame you for everything, when she should be introspective.
They need to start doing a follow-up series with these people.
Maybe he's been selfish and self centered for 20 years and she's just sick of it
water finds its own level...for every self centred materialistic guy there is a gold digger! Ask the broken hearted wallflowers who watched Mr and Mrs Wonderful gallop off into the sunset.....now they come around limping like wounded soldiers. Please!
Happiness is definitely a personal choice. As long as you're not being abused. My happiness and peace comes from within. If I relied on my husband to make me happy then I wouldn't be lol. I wish I could speak to the wife. This guy sounds like a very loving husband who puts in a lot of effort but she's just not receiving it for whatever reason. Maybe she's had some past traumas and resentments. I don't know. But I do know holding on to them is a waste of your life. My husband and I have been married 20 years now and a huge part of our success is communicating, respect and not relying on outside sources for our own happiness.
She's a queen bee and that is not a compliment.
This.
I have noticed the more i treated all my exes like idc then more they get turned on. I will never remember that quote " nice guys finishes last".
She’s just going to get mad at him and tell him he’s lazy when he stops trying to fix it and starts to listen. Guaranteed
You cannot make a woman happy. Hypergamy wont allow it.
Yep, she’s already checked out. Their marriage is over.
You could hear this guys voice totally change and confidence build when John complemented him once. He’s been beaten down and criticized for too long.
Dr. John you COMPLETELY misdiagnosed this situation. ALL THE FEMALES ON THIS PLATFORM could understand what went through the wife's head. she tried to communicate but she got nothing for 10 years. IT MAKES SENSE WHY SHE WANTS OUT!! on this occassion im with the wife
I think you misunderstood what Johns advice was. He’s trying to get the guy to help himself become a better man FOR his wife and even acknowledged that the guy was a knucklehead after he added the information that he hadn’t been doing his part despite the wife’s requests. John made it clear the guy needs to be better for himself so he can be better for her.
All stems from men being expected to take all the responsibility in the family, but relinquishing all authority.
This. However they didn't relinquish it. The laws and judges did that.
His wife lost attraction for him because he’s weak and constantly apologizes for just being himself and tries to atone for it.
How much you want to bet this is also a sexless/very little intimacy marriage as well?
That’s obvious, also sounds like she’s already got a plan and side man.
There is something else missing in this story i would like to hear her talk and ask certain questions.
We don't know if she works
Her hobbies, if she goes out etc
Yes he is weak but she is not clicking with him ir he is totally afraid of her
There are two sides to the story. And there are just too many jaded men in the comment section that automatically assume all women are their exes. Now into the topic at hand, the walking on eggshells. While men here jump all to being a provider and assume that’s all women want; not all women want a provider and not all women want a best friend. But, and here’s the thing he said something that is important to note: he works and travels a large percentage of time. The question that must be asked is does she work, did he travel for when when they dated, did she know he would he traveling, was that an expectation? To further this, did she want all the kids? Maybe she wanted one but not all, maybe she wanted help because she worked and also child-reared? Did she communicate her frustrations effectively? Or was it just whining? Did she ask for help at any time? Ask for a companion? Asked for a sounding board? Did he listen? Did he pressure her without knowing for more children? Did society do the pressuring? Long story short: this can be a woman that has been speaking effectively but he has not been listening throughout decades or one that speaks but I effectively or not at all. But it appears she had a frustration warranted or not and is vocal about it. I often find that unless men work in the military; working and traveling for work, going for long trips with friends and golfing is a form of eacapism from being a couple so the question is was he there emotionally? Men assume that as long as they bring cash all is good but fears is what you want is a prostitute then pay for such elsewhere. A marriage is a relationship and it’s not you giving cash and disappearing and only solving issues. It’s you just sitting down and listening and sometimes letting go of some of your solving problems and allowing the women to spread their own wings. And this ain’t to the caller because we don’t really know what happened. She can be someone frustrated, she can have checked out, she can be a narcissist but honestly we aren’t either of them and we don’t know all sides. I think counseling is best here so they can learn to speak to one another again. And this by the way also goes to all parties viewing this video
She is not moving the goal posts but has likely sufferred a long drought and starvation of his TIME or caring. He assummed cause everything was still smoothly running all was good. He ignored her warning shots for yearss. She sees her daughters leaving home and knows she will have zero connections to her spouse. She is facing losing her children, and being stuck with Mr. Emotionally stunted, tone deaf for years not a spouse just an uninterested flatliner, She is tired, and alone in this marriage and has been for years, You can tell by what she asked for, ie couple time and family time, likely been asking for both for years, and got neither. This is her last attempt at them being a happy couple, and also grandparents. She looks back and knows that likely aint happening either. Might be too little too late dude. Own it instead of blaming her for moving the goal post. You weren't in the game and she knows it.
This guy travels a lot and when he’s around he has his marriage and parenting on a checklist as if his family are chores. If she felt loved and heard she wouldn’t be threatening to leave. Is he spending quality time with his kids away from his wife? Did he ever call them when he was away on business? Did he bond with them growing up or did he buy them stuff to compensate? This stuff didn’t just happen, it took many years.
I am at the 11 minute mark when I had to pause it. Want to know if she works? At 42, it’s had to walk away from 20 years of something you thought you had but he is still young enough to start over. Tell her to get out now and file for divorce. You can’t make someone want you.
Sir, please take it easy on yourself.
She should be helping you, not making you feel bad about everything you do.
seymour duncan shirt?! Some one likes good pick ups for their guitars haha
If she threatens to leave tell her to get out.
Ah yes, the mature thing to do.
Im telling you i would never let someone deal with me that way..this man is defeated..he is to passive...it would take this years to develop a backbone..poor guy