When The Pain From Narcissistic Abuse Doesn't Disappear
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 พ.ค. 2022
- In their twisted thinking, narcissists think they win in life as they become the ones who inflict pain. They have little willingness to coordinate with you since that would detract from their "winner's" status. Naturally, you wonder what it will take to get away from their negative influence. Dr. Les Carter walks you gently through some insights that will assist you when it seems as if you can never get away from the pain they perpetuate.
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It's not the pain of the narcissist that doesn't go away. It's the crimes they got away with it. The violations, the senseless cruelty. They are long, long gone but their crimes against you still exist inside. And for me that's the difficult part. Knowing someone did something heinous towards my person and got away with it.
I agree and struggle with anger because of what they got away with.
@@Teacher369 - I agree totally with your summary. 'Be patient by the river long enough and the bodies of your enemies will float by.'
Karen, You are 100% right. It's the crimes they got away with even though I reported it. Seems like there is never any punishment for any of them. I try to think about how they are miserable and unhappy and that is their punishment.
Agreed. But carrying that poison in your heart only hurts you. Letting go of the things you can't change lightens your burden and removes those awful ties to the hurtful person. The Serenity Prayer is really, really helpful :)
Yes, and the losses remain with you. You’ve lost resources and experience that would aid you in rising again. These toxic people tend to leave you in the ash, dreaming of being Phoenix.
One sign that I've broken my childhood trauma bonds: When I meet and recognize malignant narcissists I don't try to persevere, I don't argue, I don't submit, I don't suffer. I just leave.
❤❤❤ your message is heart warming and empowering. I hope many others will benefit from hearing your strong boundary and be enabled to do the same. Before we can act decisively to keep ourselves safe we must learn to recognise them in all their guises and trust in our own perceptions. Not sure I’m fully there yet.
Amen!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
@@ecatcheshire9741 I might not be all the way there, but I have made obvious, positive strides. I stay present and quickly a narcissistic strike. I walk away much faster. Now to deal with this light depression. Thank you Dr. Carter. I'm learning from you.
Someday soon when I grow up, I want to be just like you! Thank you for your comment. It let's me know it can be done.
I deal with this by living alone, with strict boundaries. I love my peace and quiet. The people I welcome into my life are those I trust. No one else.
Finally at that same place too. It's been a hard journey tho. But at least won't have to do it twice.
Same. I only feel safe when I am alone in my home. I have to force myself to try and connect with people, even just in a shallow way.
@@quiljackson7771 I hear you.
I learned this after too many years of tolerating my narcissistic siblings. The peace I have now is wonderful.
Thank You 💝
“When you have an abnormal response to an abnormal situation, that’s normal. It’s reasonable for you to be bewildered.” That statement is very reassuring.
Oh like since 911 political and socially… yep I hear yeah!
One of the best things someone told me is that it's okay to own your 🤬 anger, and laugh at them, they hate that 😹
Yes 😊😊
61 years old. It's finally gone. I have the upper hand. My weapon? Peace of mind. Love of self. Kind to me. Alone with my 🐈 friend.
You're on it! Thanks Reba.
Me Too!
I love this Reba! I’m 63 and what you have written here resonates to my core. We are the fortunate ones. 🌻👋🏼
love my cat
I am so happy for you. Gives me hope.
Wow! "Pain is a natural byproduct of you being with a narcissist." This is one of those plain statements that is so striking.
Sage,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
@@oscarwilliamson6163Thanks for kind concern. I have been far from any narcissist for a while. 🙂
So true, the pain never goes away. I often think of others who have had far worse than me, such as the survivors of Nazi concentration camps. How did they go on to have fulfilling lives? Well, I was watching a documentary on Auswiche survivors a couple years ago, and this old woman was asked that. She witnessed her children and family members executed, etc....we all know the atrocities of that time. She answered the question without hesitation, “Because you must take care of the living “.
Whenever I am super down, I think of her response and snap out of it. There are wild birds to be rescued and fed, my own pets needing their needs met. The list goes on!
I have come to understand that love is caring, and caring is doing. Everything else is just cheap sentimental twaddle.
Love is a verb. It requires action. In that way, we are learning to love ourselves. Isn't that beautiful?
Thank you Gertrude. Good reminder. The pain comes from the gap between the words and the actions. "I love you" is cheap talk. It is the doing of the love where the N falls very short. Ugh.
@@gailrosenberg48 If it helps, I've adopted this philosophy:
Love is a verb, not a feeling. It requires action.
Love and Hope often hold hands, but Hope is dangerous. (It was the last curse in Pandora's Box, remember?)
Hope without action is crying wolf and waiting for the village to save us. Love without action is all dreams and no future. Eventually, we have to DO something about it!
@@anniethenonnymouse Saving this to my desktop. Thank you!
Luke 9:48 Your care for others is the measurement of your greatness.
This man is doing God's work, God Bless!
This is the work of science, the science called psychology, not religion.
Thank you for this channel. I was married to a classic narc for 15 yrs (together for 21 yrs - since I was 14), and I filed for divorce nearly 15 years ago. After that, he ran smear campaigns against me (still does after all these years), turned family against me, had tires slashed, brake lines on car cut, you name it. He then started making videos about me calling me violent. I haven't spoken to him since 2009, went no contact (and kept it that way), and never once defended myself against the smears, never got to tell my side of the story to these supposed "family and friends", and never once retaliated in any way. I have done nothing to this monster, yet he won't stop. He robbed me of everything in my life, including almost losing my sanity. He never paid child support when my kids were minors, and I never went after him for any of it, because I didn't want to poke the hornets nest. I just wanted, and still want, peace. To have him leave me alone. I have moved on with my life long ago, immediately getting into therapy, etc., but it still affects me to this day. I still have a "bad picker" when it comes to friends, etc. I JUST recently realized how my siblings and some friends are narcissists, so I obviously haven't learned how to spot narc abuse from others. I'm still a work in progress, and hope that I can one day find healthy relationships with people.
If anyone out there is still with a narcissist, do yourself a big favor and please leave them as soon as you can. They will never change, but they'll surely make sure they change you. They will suck the life out of you if given the chance. Wishing everyone the very best on your healing journey! I hope you all get the happiness, joy, and peace that you deserve. 💞
Thanks for this post!
Good on you for getting out! The non-response to the narc is hard, but you can be proud you've taken the high road. You have dignity.
I know how you feel when you say that you never retaliated, never defended yourself, never got to tell your side of the story and never got support for your children. Sometimes the unfairness, the injustice is just so maddening. I did the same thing with the father of my two boys. I didn't know then what I know now. Back then I was scared and alone. At least now you can go forward, carefully, more aware of the people who might bring you harm. Not that it won't catch you off guard again, but now you have the tools to be stronger. I wish you joy and peace too. Stay safe, GenXer
GenExer: Yes, it is not your imagination - they will harass you, even for years, after the "no contact"/ divorce/etc. and one has to look over our shoulders.
We should form a national group where we work on making legislation against this abuse. This stuff is as real as the physical abuse.
I am so sorry for your experience, and I hope you have help in a Domestic Violence organization. ( I also had minor physical contact, for many years, but much psychological abuse, so that I had a Tsukotubo cardiomyopathy, etc...)
Thank you for sharing this; it is very difficult.
This is the first time I’ve heard someone else say that they felt like their life was literally being sucked out of them. Me too.
As a child my grandmother ripped me from my home, wouldn't let me attend school, wouldn't let me go outside, emotionally tormented me every single day and told me it was all for my own good.
I'm still dealing with all the hatred and sadness that comes from being robbed of a childhood from someone who's supposed to protect you.
I'm just glad I understand things clearly now as an adult - but that doesn't mean the hatred isn't still there.
The best part about videos like these, and support groups as well, was finding out that my situation wasn't unique. Thank you Dr. C.
You are not alone.
YES, right?!
Yes, it has really helped me to read the comments and know that I am not alone in my experiences with a narcissistic mother and husband. It's so validating and Dr. C is so good and compassionate.
These concepts are really encouraging to me, as someone dealing with the pain of loneliness in the aftermath of narcissistic relationships. Another concept I heard recently is that being alone is the absence of other people, while loneliness is the absence of purpose. If you've got purpose, you might feel lonely sometimes, but it doesn't get the upper hand on you.
Dear Noel, thank you for stating that because the loneliness can be so dramatizing. I try to keep myself busy, cleaning my apartment cleaning my car, etc.
I believe once my divorce starts dwindling down. I will eventually get out of the lonely existence that I am in now. 💕💕💕
@@jacquiesegafredo886 I understand completely, two years post divorce, picked up a second job and gym membership to do my best to fill my cup financially, spiritually and economically yet the loneliness can creep in. 26 years with a man that is now a ghost seems less and less surreal and more and more real, acceptance I suppose is the glue that solidifies my healing. Namaste 🙏
That’s brilliant! Thank you for that comment! I’ve taken a screenshot of what you wrote - I love my alone time and this really clarifies why 🙏🏼
I kept a journal which helped me a lot. I wrote down what the narc said and did, what others told me she was telling them, and my thoughts. I also take notes from Dr C. Didn't take long before I could see how her behavior lined up perfectly with the character traits Dr C. describes. Some how knowing what it is, being able to identify it keeps me sane and out of her snare. I trigger the Hell out of my LCSW's insecurities. It's fun, but it's also disappointing. I am completely wrecking her delusion of a safe, just, inherently meaningful world. She's growing. I can't believe I pay her. We may be a couple? eww. Life is complex, there are no easy answers. You won't find anyone as good as Dr.C; somewhere on his path he had a mature, spiritual awakening. Rare. Also recommended is "Dr. Smith saying 'Creature", a video on TH-cam.
I totally agree….
I never imagined how low my soon to be ex narc would stoop. Man, he is lower than a snake. I was faithful throughout the entire marriage. The narc? Sleeping with broads, males, you name it!!!!
So disgusting!!!!!
He was the typical love bomber at first and I was working so I thought everything was alright, but it wasn’t. The narc kept getting meaner and meaner
It is so true - the pain, the hurt, the anger - it's all there and even when one knows and understands the behavior, it's difficult at times to not let it overwhelm one's psyche. Especially when it involves an elderly parent.
It isn't only one's psyche which could become overwhelmed before someone gets to enough safety for themselves and their children. Hurt is often compounded hurt. Compounded with other ongoing social problems to cope with too. Today for some young men living in Canada too who have suffered from narcissistic abuse that means not being able to find work because of undocumented gaps in their work history too now that post partum time off work laws here in Canada have been put into place. Because so many people were convinced that the biggest social problem around was the lack of father's rights when it was the lack of human rights being responsible for how difficult it is to get proper help and heal. Unhealthy people believe it is only ever everyone else who has a problem with thinking that the world owes them a living.
The anger can be overwhelming when one realises the extent of the poison and their absolute dedication to ruining you - for no reason. One method of dealing with it is to remember that you are not the only victim they've targeted and many share the pain, hurt, anger - and spluttering frustration - at how the narc just seems to 'get away with it.'
I agree. Am able to forgive & forget a lot at this point, yet I still lack closure. Really, my main concern now is to have a good relationship with my father. His health is declining with age & signs of dementia are apparent. He uses being an introvert as an excuse, but I honestly think his wife is manipulative, at least out of fear & protection (due to health concerns). I haven't imposed but hate feeling the guilt.
I was pressured to leave my job to care for an elderly parent. She abused me and left me homeless. My other family just laughed at myth "weakness" for not wanting mom to die alone.
Dr. Carter, this video couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I just got out of the psych hospital--I was an inpatient there for almost a week--because I had just found out that the narcissist that I was with for two years (and broke up with only a few months ago) is a registered sex offender, rapist and pedophile. While we were together, he told me he went to jail for a DUI, which never made sense to me. So just a few weeks ago, something inside of me told me that I needed to get his court records to know the truth. I was in such shock that I didn't see the point in living in a world where evil like that exists.
While I was in the hospital, I met several other women that were there because they had been victims of narcissists, too. All of their stories were different, but the themes were the exact same. I realized that I wasn't alone. And I'm slowly starting to understand that despite the evil in this world, I can appreciate the good by loving myself and tapping into my spirituality. Whether it was the universe or my intuition telling me to get those court records, it was the closure I needed to detach from him. I have a very active fight response and I still so badly want to get revenge on him, so I'm learning to channel that action urge into something good--I'm going to start going to a kickboxing class and volunteering at the women's shelter. Pain is a tough feeling to sit with but I hope that it will subside the more I take care of myself.
Thank you for all that you do.
Hi Miranda. Trust is so basic to any relationship and it hurts greatly when it is shattered. Vote yes to yourself, and determine to use your experiences as a springboard toward growth. I'm pulling for you! Dr. C
Miranda, take heart, dear. He was with you because of who you are. Narcs gravitate towards those capable with qualities of happiness,goodness & light & narcs are envious of these qualities...and their narc vices cause them to try to destroy everyone they are ever with. Nothing is personal with these vampires.
Your good qualities cannot be stolen. And he will always be a pathetic loser. You win because you walked away first. He will NEVER forget the one that "got away". Believe me, he will punish himself. Narcs are never happy, never satisfied and that is punishment in itself. Well done! 💚
Wow, Miranda. He's the one who belongs in a mental hospital.
I was with a guy who turned out to be telling elaborate webs of lies. He was a dentist and major real estate owner in a big west coast city so I assumed someone like that would know not to go around lying.
Not lying as the easiest way to live life was something I figured out by age 11 and assumed he knew this too. It blew my gaskets to find out what he was up to. I am always going to have to guard against my naiveté.
You have company in the world! Take care.
Oh my gosh!! You have been through so much. I turned to alcohol in the midst of madness. It's awful. 2 years narc free and 2 years sober. Hang in there girl, we didn't know, but we sure do now. Our awakening is beautiful. Glad your doing well. They will get their karma... I'm sure of it. Bless you dear one!!
@@charlotterose8356 i needed to see these words, thanks for writing them
At this point I’m not sure if my son is a narcissist like his father or if his wife is the narcissist and is controlling my son. Either way, when it’s your child that is causing you pain, it’s heart wrenching.
Yes coming from your child (or your siblings as in my case) is very heart wrenching. Stay strong! We can get though this!
Same
It's true. My mother never changed. She died at 75 yrs old & her behavior was even worse. At the end of her life she was like a bratty child and would throw a fit if she didn't get her way. She never acknowledged any of the horrible things she did or apologized.
I’ve been free of my ex narcissist for a few years , started counselling well before I kicked him out and am finally starting to feel like my old self . The pain is still there but it’s getting easier as time goes on and I get further into my healing journey
Best wishes that the path along your healing journey leads to a happy & healthy life.
The reality is truely that you can not satisfy someone that is always looking at life and you as competition. And the fact they have a clear sky to run over you with any means of distortion. Enjoy your freedom! Enjoy your likes, enjoy your mistakes. You know what you like and love. Learn that in order for you to have a joyful, peaceful relationship any time in your life.....that you have to be respected, loved, and held in high regard regardless of your flaws. Wishing you peaceful days with just the comfort of a relaxing chair at any point of rest........in your day(s).
Isn't it wonderful to "feel like your old self" again. Such a great point to be at. I think you just learn to really appreciate your old self. Doesn't it feel great to laugh again, to talk to friends and family without fear of being embarrassed or shamed??? Enjoy your days, I am so happy for you.
Forgiveness, detachment , letting go , sharing compassion with good people like friends, are the keys to survive the narcissistic...
It is difficult, but forgiveness helps quit being victimized and attracting other narcos , cause you become their drug
Excellent topic, DrC!!! This is one i struggled with for a LONG time. I have learned that most of it is not suppose to disappear if we actually learned anything from it. We grieve the unsuccessful relationships like an actual death. When the grieving process is properly attended to, we grieve less and less as the pain tries to resurface until the pain is only there to remind us of what WAS and what actually IS. What was lies is now truth. What was chaos is now peace. What was an illusion is now reality. And so on. Accepting this for what it is can speed up the process but if not given the proper attention, the process could actually take even longer than necessary. Edited to add: When i learned to lean into the pain, i found power to understand it, validate it, and move on from it. There is so much freedom on the other side of processing the pain. Big hugs to those who are stuck in the pain part of the experience of narcissistic abuse. It’s sucks lemons. Determine to find that sugar and GO make yourself some of the sweetest lemonade! Then share that stuff with as many people as possible!!! Our world needs more people who have overcome pain properly
Hi Kelly, Easily the best book on this topic is Paul Brand, Pain, the Gift Nobody Wants. He was an M.D. specializing in leprosy and his stories and analogies are amazing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism looking it up and adding it to my reading list, DrC. Thx! It sound very interesting. Love the title!
what sucks lemons is when you arent allowed to be human to even feel the pain of grief or anger so you can start dealing with it. you try to talk to counselors that you are forced to go to by child trafficking court and they just laugh at you. trying to get help in a world that thrives on hate is nigh on to impossible for many of us.
😊❤️.
@@skinnyway Patty, OMG, that is horrible! RUN away from those "experts!" Go toward the light and find people who DO understand the Narc dynamic like Dr. C. Binge watch his videos. It will immensely help you.
"if you don't feel bewildered, there's something wrong with you". Exactly! I grew up in an abusive narcissistic family. Everybody was each others alibi. When one family member abused me, the others would swear up and down nothing happened. After I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD. So then my family were like, "see? That proves that you were the one with the mental problem all along!" But my argument was that my suffering from PTSD proves that I'm normal. No one could go through years and years of what I went through (physical, emotional and sexual abuse, plus my dad pulled a gun on me when I was 14 and in graphic detail explained to me how he could kill me, dispose of my body and get away with it) and come out the other end not suffering from something. Unless they were already completely bonkers to start with. - - Even after I managed to get away, and then my dad died of cancer, the pain and fear I live with is like a switch I can't turn off.
Never use the word 'I'. I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD ... I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Stop! Nobody cares about your stories. Just enjoy life any way you can.
@@keplermission4947 a bit harsh and insensitive I think.
@@steveinspainkap2043 Yes I sink so too. I sink, I sink I smell a stink coming from Y O U.
and WE have no way of knowing the difference from the beginning or either end of how much of OUR experience is common to all or how much difficulty ripples out from the abuse
DISCLAIMER: the reply uses plural first person as WE don't want to offend anyone do WE
Dude! Is this a philosophy you heard from your life coach? Maybe there is more to it. Sometimes black and white thinking is best and sometimes it's too stringent for comfort.
I HAVE A DIFFERENT PROBLEM.
I don't have pain -- I have ANGER.
I don't relate to healing -
as that indicates a wound, an injury.
I kicked narc butt from the start -
but feel cheated of my dream of "Happily Ever after".
The hardest part for me is never really know that my covert narcissistic mother hated me, but aways gave me words of encouragement & told me that she loved me. It was only after she died that I found out she was stealing from me...realizing that she was the one that got me kicked out of the family just to hoover me back in after my dad died...and did everything in her power to sabotage me (a life long process). That I was indeed the scapegoat. These are the things that I just can't wrap my head around. I know other daughters have gone through this, but I just can't seem to get passed it. Why didn't I see it sooner? Having a hard time to forgive myself.
The same here, Mom dragged me through 6 abusive marriages, always choosing her men over her kids. Always told me she loved me and would do anything for me, but her actions spoke otherwise. I gave her sooo many excuses and do overs...then she started messing with my kids and I had to break contact, but it's so hard and lonely without family. Why didn't I see this sooner...we are only human.
@E Fish I relate with both of you, unfortunately. Yes, I love you and would do anything for you...yeah right. Talk is cheap. And as soon as I had kids I saw it and broke contact. Congrats to both of you for being strong. It isn't easy!!
Thanks for this. Sometimes I fall into rumination over the evil some have done and I am often astonished at the level of cruelty another human being is capable of yet... the Word of God even tells us not to be astonished at that. The heart is wickedly deceptive, who can know it. I pray for everyone to draw closer to God because of their pain. Thank you Dr. Carter, God bless you and Gus!
Thank you for this - what you said is absolute truth. May God give us all strength and may His grace carry us through each day.
I am anxiously awaiting this video. It's taking all my strength to overcome the narcissist's treatment of emotional abuse and isolation. This current silence is a mixture of heaven and heartbreak. Yikes. I hope to get some answers. Onward.
Hi Linda. My name is David, and my wife left 8 months ago. Since then, I have learned she is a narcissist. I have had quite an education. Her daughter and one of her closest friends she has known since grade school, have told me things I find unbelievable. Thankfully, I have a great counsellor who understands narcissism. It is part of what is called the cluster B personality traits.
ONWARD MY BRUDDA’S AND SISTA’S!!!
@@davidboswell5322 : watch prof Sam Vaknin’s videos on narcissism and the cluster B disorders. There’s a lot to learn. It’s a massive part of psychology.
We have a friend in a similar situation. It’s hard!
@@guyreid8692 From the horses mouth, so to speak, as the narcissist Varkin, enjoys expounding the facets of narcissism. A fascinating compelling man who is passionate about his condition.
Needed to hear this. Still hurting post-narc. It will be a year next month. Can't seem to get over the sadness. Literally dying a slow, emotional death.
No, it's not death. Let yourself grieve, but find a place in yourself to embrace your freedom as a triumph and a step toward wisdom for your life. If you are not talking to a counselor, start doing that. Remember that after they are gone, if they are in your head, you are giving them rent-free space there! Consider this as an illness, and as you recover, you will be much wiser and stronger, and even redefine yourself for the better.
I am so sorry for your hurt, but please seek help.
Nope the pain doesn't go away it's taken 25 years to get over the worst of being dragged up by narcissistic family .
Thank you, Dr. C. I'm coming up on the 1-year anniversary of going no-contact with my Nmother. A lot of difficult feelings have been bubbling up in May because of mother's day and it's my birthday month. I'm celebrating the first birthday of my life free from all the pressures and drama from that side of the family.
Hugs! Be good to you!
@ KW I am going through the same with my 84 year old mother and it being difficult this month with Mother’s Day and her BD also.All my life I put up with being terrorized by this woman. It’s been 5 months since no contact.
I feel back better but the guilt is there always, I still send very basic emails flowers and cards, bc I’m a good person. My mother has manipulated my partner also so he does not see nor support me and thinks I’m a bad guy. Im seeing a psychotherapist now which helps. I grieve for the mother I never had.
@@heathercollins3015 I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD, I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD, I embrace pain, pain lets you know something is wrong. I saved this for next Wed's live feed. I agree, pain actually can be something good, when I understand where it comes from and why it's there I must walk through it and let it hurt. I must try to be brave. I try to keep myself busy, cleaning my apartment cleaning MY car, etc. I believe once MY (our) divorce starts dwindling down. I (we) will eventually get out of the lonely existence that I am in now. 💕💕💕
It's not even so much about them, it's about the deceit. It's mind-blowing, and I just can't seem to get past all of the Gory details, that I am ruminating over. So hard to grasp that this person didn't/doesn't care in the least about me, and was only fulfilling their own needs. It's almost like they were a hologram, and didn't even really exist. Anger, frustration, and sadness are all part of the Wake these people leave behind, after they discard you. Much love and healing to all❤
Totally sure only 100% no contact is the solution , you can learn to deal with the pain from the past but continuing to allow more abuse is counter productive . They will NEVER change or improve .
I grew up with an alcoholic codependent father and a narcissistic mother. Trust me, DR C is on the money. All this time following him, he makes me think he's been following me. How he's spending his retirement years is priceless and the Lord smiles.
Just wanted to add. Your children are deeply affected by growing up in a narssistic home. Leaving the narssistic while your children are young is the very best way to lesson the effects of this horrible influences on your children's emotional well being.
Although we feel pain we can use it to our advantage and grow into more experienced individuals. We can turn that hurt into gain.
Always keepgoing
@@antoinqueen8261 I’m trying but only holding on to a thread here
💯
For sure!
@@jacquiesegafredo886 Prayers for you.
I am indeed haunted by the cruelty and damage he did to me years ago. He cut me off at the knees financially and in terms of life advancement. I’m on the back foot now but away from him not just geographically, emotionally but I’m limping through life as a consequence of my entanglement with this ogre rather than leaping rather like him I suppose. I just want to stop going over in my mind the losses every morning on waking. It stalks me, sadly.
I can relate to the morning thing Sara. I struggle with that too. Much easier when I’m busy … but weekends when I have time to mull … I end up with a headache from the mental torment. I guess it’s about switching focus, mindfulness etc … easier said than done.
🌻👋🏼
My wife and myself have come to the point, with our narcissistic son-in-law, that we must preserve and protect our self-respect. We do not have to be around his distain and derision. This is not at all easy for us, because he is the father of two of our grandchildren. We very much want to have contact with our grandchildren, but it appears to not be feasible at all.
Needed this reminder today. I’ve felt on the verge of collapse for awhile… but I keep holding on and going through all the motions & taking steps to heal… I just get frustrated when it doesn’t happen as quickly as I’d like 😵💫
@KT i’m right there with you! Just know that you’re not alone there are countless people that are going through this and you’re one of the lucky ones that keep holding on and keep going through all the motions it will happen for us! Stay strong bless you❤️
I know exactly how you feel.
Hang in there! ❤️ set back will come and go. You are not alone
I went from extreme (codependent) love, to pure hatred, to indifference. There is healing on the other side of pain. If you make the decision to heal there’s one day you’ll wake up and be healed, granted there may be a scar or scab left over, but that’s life. Take whatever lesson you will from it. Getting knowledge WITHOUT understanding will keep you stuck. Today I slightly pity narcissists that have been in my life, but I don’t love nor hate them. They can’t infect me anymore because I’m vibrating on a different plane. God bless everyone ♥️
Edit: Rewatching this multiple times. There’s major take aways I need to absorb 📝 thanks for putting the info out here 🎯
Howdy Les!
I relate and agree with everything you said!
I found that by not expecting approval from the narcissist and expecting them to apologize and get you, instead looking deep inside one's self for self approval most of the pain goes away!
I really appreciate all your videos, they are soothing for the soul!
Be well and all the best!
That means a lot to me, coming from you. Thanks Berel.
But sometimes they take your sunshine away by taking away your loved ones from you😢. That's the most ugly part
Well into the healing side of being used by multiple narcissistic relatives (married into narcissism) I admit feeling lonely and isolated within the family. I am not doubting my choice to be healthy. Best healthcare decisions I have ever made. Just Lonely. Your words have challenged me… keep going and praying for inner peace. Building some new healthy relationship. I have a sweet Bible Study Group. Love these ladies. They are my nine blessings.
It put me on the path of healing my childhood and having more respect for myself. That's what I got out of it and being aware of these individuals and their tactics. Keeping them out of your life
I did the same for me. It's the most positive thing to come out of it. It's a strange dichotomy though, I still carry a lot of sadness but at the same time, I've never felt stronger and more hopeful about my future.
The pain and sense of being destroyed emotionally, sexually, and financially is so often overwhelming, but in many ways the worst thing is feeling so ashamed that I let all those things happen. That I opened myself completely to something false and callous. It's this shame that's so corrosive. And that shame is exacerbated by the judgment of friends, and former friends.
Thank you for your kindness and honesty.
I know that shame. I also now know that in my damaged state I made the best choices I could at the time. Forgiveness starts with yourself. True friends may desert you (temporarily, possibly, for their own self-preservation), but they won't harshly judge you. Friend is the wrong label for those acquaintances.
Hi Donna. I just figured out
How ashamed and embarrassed
I feel enduring s 40 yr. Marriage.
It has hindered my progress
Out of the marriage and selfcare.
I understand your feelings.
Some many of us have endured
Mistreatment for a host of
Reasons, as channels like
This and caring Drs. And
Counselors give on line
For free. Now that we
Know we can do what's
Needed according to
Our personal circumstances
To make our lives better.
You are not alone. Wishing
You all the best.
@@MKCarol-ms7lg Thank you. I wish you well, and the love of a few true friends. Thank you for sharing and for your kindness.
@@harrietthornton5328 Thank you for your good wishes. I hope you find peace and the love of true friends.
Oh my God! Spot on! The shame😪 the disbelief…
Anyway: talked it over with my closest friends! They were sooo supportive. Get it out, talk to ur friends
Having been the scapegoat and target of a relentless narc parent who was merciless, I was often accused by others of having a 'persecution complex' because i was 'so sensitive.' The lack of a soft place to fall made life painful. It has taken a lifetime to understand the damage done and accept that I was not to blame. The education has been enlightening and fostered the conclusion that personality disorders are one of the lessons I'm here in this life to learn about.
I agree that the pain and lessons of being in a narcissistic relationship will ever be fully gone since the abuse is so profoundly mind altering and cruel. But as I struggle to figure out recovery and healing 9 months after the discard, I keep coming back to "expectations". My biggest sense of loss is related to the expectations he raised during the lovebombing and which he kept tending with hints, and then taunts. So in my pain I realize that I still want the things he future faked me with, just not with him. So when we engage with these distorted people we have to manage our expectations of them. They reappear to Hoover you, you can't expect them to change, apologize sincerely, or that anything would be different. They'll claim it will be, exoect the same. So as we heal there won't be the satisfaction of seeing them recieve "karma" guaranteed, so no point expecting or demanding it. Healing is hard and I don't have it figured out, but I don't expect the friendly "arm of support" that Dr Les speaks of because I was so efficiently isolated by the Narcissist, plus covid, there isn't anyone around. So manage expectations and there us less pain.
Thank you for the suggestions for turning this pain into something positive. Married for 47 years to a narc ,so the first positive is to get him out of the house. Not easy because he feels so entitled he will not take no for an answer, however you give me strength to keep fighting . I know there is peace at the end which keeps me going. Thank Dr. C for the uplifting words.
That’s a loooong time...bless your ❤️
I wish you strength and good fortune dealing with it. I was in the same boat and he believed that he could control me so completely and while constantly shaming and thieving from me insisted only he could say when it was over.
46 years here, so I walk in your path with you. I have nothing whatever to do with him any more, and I am achieving health after 3 years. Hang in there, Barbara.
@@karenk2409 Thanks for the support. He is out of the house but keeps trying to control from outside. I think it will take time before he gets it. I wonder where all these women he had affairs with are at in his time of need lol. He has lived a private life for 47 years and still lying abt it. I guess he will never accept that I know it all and it's over. Best of luck to you and we should raise our heads up and fight for well deserved peace in our life.
@@barbaradewolf7304 IGNORE with every cell in your body, and live your life.
I could never get my ex to understand the value of creating "win-win" scenarios. I was repeatedly accused of not being a team player by a person who only wanted to be King.
It was a real eye-opener for me to learn what a "zero-sum game" is, because it sort of describes the narc outlook and behavior.
Ime, if you can accept that it's the only technique they're capable of, maybe it might relax some of the pressure they've dumped on you. I hope it helps.
Good luck with your journey
I fruitlessly tried that myself for the better part of 15 years (and dealt the same types of accusations). What a sad waste of time and effort...
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Your ex is an idiot and good riddance! Enjoy life 👍
At 50, the pain continues and never stops. 😔
Believe and trust in yourself. It's difficult to understand how others can be so hurtful... my world has been turned upside down several times because of my lack of boundaries and accepting these monsters into my life. now I know.
@@user-jw8bh7pk1j thank you 🙏🏻
@@belight6280 🤗
I understand. I'm 65. Jesus loves you so much. He is the only one who can heal this pain one day at a time . He sees ur pain , He cares deeply . 🙏❤
This talk was so invaluable. I am so grateful to you for validating the pain of this mental, verbal and physical abuse. I am two years out of an ongoing relationship and trying hard to focus on people who value me just as I am. People who have apparently never been vulnerable to this kind of abuse just don't understand. Thanks so much Dr Carter, I needed this one!
I believe my son is married to a malignant covert narcissist. His wife told him not to talk to me, his loving father. Can you be very specific? I'm trying put myself his shoes. What were the specific things hyou went through???
I lived for years being an a-hole on purpose and switch to if you don't like me don't be around me and you find like-minded people
I think many people realize they aren’t the only ones to be hurt by people. Unfortunately when you go through life sometimes your education didn’t only come from school, but from really hurtful nasty people you just happen to be in the wrong place @ the wrong time. Or they preyed on you. But your pain is your own & how to deal with it is the hard part.
I appreciate this balanced encouragement to use my pain for good. It was a huge comfort when I first learned that many people have survived and thrived after the same trouble I've experienced. We are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing these videos. I honestly cannot afford therapy... And it makes a difference to have what I have experienced be acknowledged. And I believe you do so with a heartfelt perspective, but also confronting the "victim"s need to be accountable for changing how they view things to get on a better track of thinking too.
It's easy to agree with logically in the moment, but takes time to internalize and heal.
Therapy is good if you can find one that can face themselves, otherwise you may as well talk to a rock. I trigger the Hell out of my LCSW's insecurities. It's fun, but it's also disappointing. I am completely wrecking his delusion of a safe, just, inherently meaningful world. He's growing. I can't believe I pay him. We may be a couple? eww. Life is complex, there are no easy answers. You won't find anyone as good as Dr.C; somewhere on his path he had a, mature, spiritual awakening. Rare.
I kept a journal which helped a lot. I wrote down what the narc said and did, what others told me she was telling them, and my thoughts. I also take notes from Dr C. Didn't take long before i could she how he behavior lined up perfectly with the character traits that Dr C repeats. Some how knowing what it is, being able to identify it keeps me sane and out of her snare.
I too journaled. At first, I was so stupid as to be slow to catch on to what was happening, but, as time went on, my journaling became more specific, and I took photos of suspicious items, incidences, etc., and began to put things together, although I still didn't know the vocabulary of the situations, such as "gaslighting", "projection", " victim blaming", etc. (I was lucky to begin to pay closer attention to as much as possible, so that, e.g., "amusingly" I realized the perpetrators were breaking and entering into the house! [ I saw evidence of phone calls between them when no one should not have been home! One was in the house, while the other perp was outside the house, but they were calling each other back and forth. I, nor my husband, at the time, were at home! ])
I might add that, sometimes you get into a good Domestic Violence support group. Mine was pretty good (except some of the written exercises in the group were in error, e.i. we wrote and/ or answered excercises and questions which mildly "blamed the victim", but I politely "called out" the Domestic Violence leader in the group for those , what I thought were errors in the written excercises.)
What causes me the most pain is that he is telling people that he is the victim. He says that the things he said to me was what he actually said to me. He is pretending that he had empathy and that I was the bully. He knew every trigger and kept those wounds open. I had to record hours of his rage, denying, name calling, blaming me, projections, and manipulation. That is the most frustrating piece of the trauma for me. Of course, he is so charming on the surface. I had empathy and didn't tell anyone what was going on. He was telling people that my behavior was what he was doing and I didn't know it till people started acting dismissive towards me. When I asked him why he thought people were acting differently towards me...he said I was imagining it. I totally woke up an knew better. I left him after 27 years. Basically he stole my character. It is sick and demented!
Oh my gosh- this is so accurate - had me in tears- after DECADES of abuse from a narcissistic sister who was four years my senior and my only sibling- wow- just wow- thank you for this video- never was able to have a relationship with my parents because of it- have had no contact with her now for two years- since my mother’s death- freeing and heartbreaking simultaneously 💔
@Pamela Hansen that is so true, “freeing and heartbreaking”. I’ve gone no contact with my relative, which is such a relief, however the sadness of no more family gatherings is devastating for me. It feels like because we stand up for what is right, we are punished and they simply carry on without a backward glance 😢
I got out 2 years ago this coming Memorial Day weekend. As a result of standing up and taking no more, I have lost my 8 children (all still minors), my parents, other friends, my reputation was dragged through the mud, and much more. The grief and pain has been a lot to deal with but through it all I'm learning lessons that I probably wouldn't learn any other way. I'm getting to learn who I am, how to relate to others in fulfilling relationships, how to live the best life I can in spite of what has happened. I'm going to school in the fall to get my MSW so that I can help advocate for others who are going through these horrible situations. This has been very hard, but I hope that through it all my children will one day have the permission to break free from the cycle of violence and the cycle of trauma that tends to repeat from generation to generation. I am seeking healing so that when that time comes for them, I will be able to help them in their experience. Sometimes the lemons are really sour, but add enough sugar, and the lemonade is really good!
I appreciate your willingness to reach out to us Dr. C and look forward to being able to take some of your coursework in the future.
Hang in there you will get your children back and more just like Job in the Bible . . . weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning 🌞 Psalm 34:19 💓
My father has been diagnosed with NPD. My sister took her life because of him, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. His errant behavior never stops, no matter what the consequence, and he criticizes everyone and never takes responsibility for his actions. His main issue is anything for money. He’s an alcoholic and clinically depressed as well. I am very much looking forward to the day where I do not have to worry about him anymore. He is now 92, and in I’ll health.
What a pitiable person.
Thank you for your response. Your videos have helped me tremendously.
Oh my goodness. I shed a tear of gratitude when you said true friends will come and place an arm of encouragement around you.
Yes - "I refuse to collapse. Yes, this is a broken world. But, there's also good in this world." It gets harder and harder to not collapse, though. The tragedy is when innocent children suffer.
Hope,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
I thought I was alone. Thanks to Dr C we all have some support in community and that helps to understand and heal. :)
Life isn't defined by what happens to us, it's what we choose to do once things happen that counts. Our pain doesn't necessarily shrink or disappear, but we can grow above, around and beyond that pain. We always get to choose what defines our own reality.
Brilliantly put! Thank you KRS.
🙏🏼
When I think back on the three years I dated a soc-narc on and off, it was such a painful experience! Definitely trauma. The problem is that they don’t get better. They actually learn how to manipulate and hurt you more. I pray I will stay free from him. It can escalate and become dangerous.
I need this too.a terrible anxiety lately. I had to step back from my mother and 2 sisters, now the entire family are up against me. All I’ve done is be myself, done up I guess too many times that got me punished and I had enough of their fake lives. Now it’s interfering with the rest of the family ( aunts cousins) I feel I can trust anyone. Is it me? Or are must people fake!??
Sadly all I seem to buy are boxes of cheez-its with dorritos inside.To many false advertisements.
I understand completely. I have same issue with mother, sister and her son. ALL FAKE. Get away from these people.
We are all on the spectrum of illusion. The fundamental disease of the ego is, "Mine is better than yours".
One of our main efforts in this sojourn is to relax and learn effective discretion. It is explained in the book, "I'm OK, You're OK"
When I read that book was able to see the narcissist I was involved with. .. and finally had had enough to walk without looking back. Lots of pain to go though, but I embraced it as necessary learning.
May your higher goodness go with you.
You actually ( more than likely, living it as well), you made an empowering step that the other family has wanted to do for so long, and I’m personally finding out, I’m really proud of you! I know a lot of counseling has helped me, watching Doc here, and reading other’s comments.
If you come from a family of narcissists, most if not all are going to be on the spectrum. I have created my own family & let the blood 🩸 ties be gone. Much more peaceful this way especially as I’m getting older & everyone wants a handout.
The PHYSICAL abuse from narcissists, and it’s long term impact, is too often ignored or glossed over. I could have overcome the emotional component long ago, but the ongoing physical injuries caused by my family of origin and former fiancé keep me trapped in rumination, and severely limit my ability to work and have a social life. The long term effects of narcissistic abuse can include permanent physical disability. It’s a rather privileged position when someone claims the emotional scars last longer than the bruises. That is not always the case.
I'm sorry 😞 you experienced this struggle. Wishing you healing and prosperity, love. 💞
Excellent advice, take ownership of the pain, yes it is difficult, memories perceived love and trust. One of the better videos I've watched. 22 years of a covert narcissist. Had a line in the sand that I wouldn't cross, they knew it and finally gave up. There smear campaign is in tatters and I'm now ambivilant to there future. Five months out. Left Christmas eve, against my wishes, with a blanket, a bag of clothes and a box of heart tablets. Had a major heart attack nine months before, only fifty years of age. My mistake was to ask for help afterwards. The narcissist panicked, blew hot and cold until I accused them of coercive control. That really unmasked them. But you know what, I'm happy sitting here in my home I built, she abandoned it 2 months ago to get new supply, couldn't have the neighbours talking. And yes shortly afterwards they broke in, stole my appliances, smashed up my stuff, stole other furniture and then sold it on face book that evening. Left me with nothing. But I'm still happy, take care people, you will make it. Love and respect to anyone ruminating or feeling bad tonight, your good people. Shaun, Donegal, Ireland 🇮🇪👍
Wow!! Another crazy story. Great we can hear people's stories on here. I'm happy you escaped. No contact is the best thingvif you can. Glad to hear you're doing !good now.
@@NikkiGregoryThanks Nikki, emotional gymnastics though the body does bear the scars of these relationships. You take care
Oddly, I am out of it several years now, it changed me, and in some ways for the better. I found out evil ppl are out there, and what my own mother tried so hard to teach my with her words, “Trust should be Earned, not just given!” Boy have I got it now, Amen to my wise Mom, amen.
The world doesn't owe us anything! We live in a broken world! So true! Thank you Dr. C!!
The pain never goes away
25 years later and still pissed off.
Mine was short lived ….2 years but it’s feeling like a long recovery. It’s realizing who I was really with and all the lies, deceit, anger, manipulation and knowing the relationship wasn’t “real”. I am getting therapy but it’s tough.
Pain is a natural byproduct of you being with a narcissist. Deep and oh so true. Started therapy today to find myself again. The happy me.
I can challenge myself to still have integrity despite the pain.
That was absolutely brilliant - thank you Dr C. I’m seven years out of a destructive marriage to a narcissist, along with the realisation of what a relative has done for decades to humiliate and alienate people in the family, causing a devastating rift. The dreadful pain, feeling like I’m holding onto life by my fingernails, has dissipated; however I still feel overwhelmed at times by sadness at what has happened and frustration with my younger self for not recognizing the dynamic earlier (I completely understand it now of course, through the education I have received from you). Maintaining my integrity, “soldiering on”, has been so hard as I’ve built myself up again, and I so very much resonate with using the empathy we survivors have … to be there for others and to give them love and support, because we deeply understand. Thank you so much Dr C for focusing on this aspect of narcissistic abuse, I agree with others who post here that it’s something we dearly want addressed. What you have said today has given me yet another boost.
I am so grateful to you for the education and support you have provided here that has kept me moving forward during the last seven years.
🙏🏼🌻
I had gotten so used to being mistreated, undervalued and abused throughout my life over and over again that I started dwelling in feeling "a victim" and it's taken me a long time and I'm still working every day not only to overcome the mental, spiritual, emotional & physical damage but to wake up and see that although I may have been victimized over and over throughout life, that I am NOT a victim. Coming to this realization, I am starting to laugh again and enjoy the little things in life and have so much more appreciation, respect and love for myself, thus I am willing to have the idea of having some type of healthy relationship with others. I am still working on trusting other people again and that's also been a huge struggle for me so I've been very closed off.. but at least I'm allowing myself to THINK about it. Any advice?
Keep laughing and enjoying life. 🦋
My advice would be to go slow because, while some people are obviously toxic, with others, things take time to unfold and it's normal to not know right away. 💕
@@lindacarrera6453 thank you 💕 I will surely take my time
Thank you for the reminder, many actually lose their limbs, loved ones, lives as a result of harm from narcissists and psychopaths - I read an account of a victim losing the use of her legs after being pushed down the stairs by her abuser - so all of us here are in many ways fortunate. However, the pain is etched into our memory. My own very imperfect method is to force my brain to erase painful memories, eg I cannot remember the date of my father's passing away. I fell into a very dark depression after his death, with a lot of unfinished business, my absence, guilt and sadness that he suffered terribly from his NPD spouse, and that was my method out of it. This is what I do now - whenever memories of abuse returns, I become aware and quickly turn to other pursuits, a movie, reading, going out, etc. to avoid those memories. It is a very flawed method as I erased chunks of memories, but it honestly works and I don't have to take anything chemical to numb the pain.
I deeply feel everything you’ve said, Dr C. I have been experiencing a higher vibration of life since I have been freed from years and years of “trying to get the narc’s love.” Love and compassion are everything- and are in me! ❤️🙏🏼 as ever
Thanks Larraine.
Id like to hear you speak about Empaths & narcissism. I've had the experience that many of my relationships ended up narcissistic. Friendships,jobs,family. I am now aware enough & spent 12 yrs examining myself & healing. I had to except MY part in the reasons & accept responsibility. It IS called boundries & SELF LOVE.
Do a search on YT and you should find a couple of my videos on that topic. Also check my website, www.survivingnarcissism.tv
Great info dr c. The first step to recovering from anything is that you must first identify the root of the problem. As dr c said we have no control over other people but we do have control over ourselves.
Emotional pain is unlike physical pain in that it never completely goes away, it is something we have to learn to live with. As dr c also said, we are not alone in the things we have experienced in life. I use the word "we" because many of us here share the same struggles in our recovery from a very common source. Until i stumbled across this channel i felt very much alone and felt like i was in the minority, especially being a man. I have gained strength through seeing i am not the only man in this world to fall victim to a woman's physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
Here we can share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. Now some of you may think this sounds familiar, well it is if you ever attended any 12 step support group. If there is any disease that ends with -ISM then the 12 steps can be applied to your situation, whether you are the one with the -ISM, or the person on the receiving end.
Do not get discouraged as you make your way through the recovery process, there will be both times of great relief and times of setback. Over time things will begin to even out. For me i have been conditioned by a narc for 23 years and as such the recovery from it will not be a overnight process.
For me i am just now starting to get to the point where i no longer chose to be defined by my pain but rather be defined by the lessons i learned from what caused and allowed the pain to be in my life. As much as i would like to have a woman to share the next phase of my life with i realize i am not emotionally ready yet. I did rebell when i first escaped my narc and hooked up with a few women just to see if other woman found any attraction to me but unlike in my youth, there was not the same pleasure in just the physical aspect of having sex, i found i had matured and that what i am after is not physical but emotional.
Perhaps that is one of the things that sets us apart from narcs, we have matured while they still sit in their emotional infancy. One of the best things i have found besides having much in common with others here in team healthy is that many of the thoughts and views i have had have been spot on for so many years but had been stifled by self-doubt. Believe it or not most people have the answer to their own questions and never realized it. It simply takes having someone to listen to them and ask the same question to them, basically to act as a mirror to them.
@j loggy … so beautifully put. Thank you for sharing your journey, much appreciated and admired.
I had a vivid, painful dream this morning where I confronted my ex-husband on his narcisstic abuse - silent treatment, constant criticism, gaslighting, and deception. It has been 31 years. No, the pain does not go away. It lives below the surface. I told him how much he had taken away from me emotionally and mentally. I never re-married. The dream really jolted me after so many years. And then, this evening, I found this video. It was re-affirming. I am fine, and what happened, just happened. My pain is not unique and there may be hidden gifts for me to explore. As disturbing as the dream was, it reminded me of my strength to stand up for myself once again.
It's been 8 years and I still have major depression, anxiety.
Narcissist love to call other people controllers…..ever notice that? They’ve learned to weaponize that word. Stand up for your rights and defend yourself, they call you controlling. Lol.
It's their defense of projection...seeing in you what they refuse to see within themselves.
I was raised by a horrible man. Every type of abuse you can imagine. Every man I was in a relationship turned out to be an abuser. I married 2 abusive men. The pain I can’t get over is that I wasn’t a healthy minded woman and caused so much pain to my kids. I subjected my beautiful babies to such toxic relationships. I didn’t put their needs before my abusive husbands. They now are adults who struggle so hard with life and relationships. It’s my fault and I can’t escape the tremendous guilt that I ruined these beautiful people. I’ve been single for 2 years and have no plans on having another relationship.
This guilt is terrible. I love my children so much and it hurts to see them living difficult lives that I know is my fault.
This was so touching to hear today. Sometimes the injustice can make you bitter, cynical and untrusting because it is often a person's trusting nature that gets them into these horrible relationships with narcissist's. When you finally realize that you are being taken, used and abused it leaves you feeling like a fool, especially if it happens more than once. But, let's face it, there are a lot of narcissists in the world. Chances are you might get entangled more than once in a lifetime. What's important to remember is that you are not alone. Also, time does heal all wounds and hopefully time wounds all heel's. I am personally having a horrible time with a couple that I have bought some property from. The woman involved is a very overpowering narcissist. She treats her common law partner very poorly and he has lost all ability to stand up for himself. She is going to get him into some very hot water if she doesn't back up. I have documented all the defamatory emails and face book posts and she has completely outed herself in an attempt to damage my reputation and standing in this small community. If I am forced to sue them they may not recover financially and I will also sue for defamation. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I have gone no contact and let my lawyer deal with things. This has gone for too long now and she can't stop her hurtful posts, not just about me but also about my business and she has even, recently, brought up my relationship with my wonderful son, that was very hurtful to both of us, she doesn't even know my son. The line has been crossed and I must stand up for myself. Dr C, thank you for reminding me today that every day someone is going through even worse situations. At least my son is grown and I am not fighting for custody or anything like that. So, I am going to muster my strength, my calmness and my support from "team healthy" and try to get past this bump in the road of life.
Wow! This one really hit the mark in my situation. Meny years of narcissistic abuse by my older brothers social scripting, left me devastated. The emotional pain left by him had me confused and hurting for years. Now, years later I see him going through narcissistic collapse. If only he was a source of love, instead of a source of riveley. Thank you Dr. C. for your video shows. You helped me a lot.
Great topic! This really hits home. It's been over 2 yrs since my discard for new supply. My pain still exists to a large degree, but has slowly subsided. It's never taken me this long to get over a breakup before, but my ex-narc really did a number on me with future faking and devaluation.
Same two years here. This is so different than a breakup from a normal relationship. I was discarded as well. They completely twist everything around. The manipulation is the reason. They let go then quietly and nicely come back . They think they have the right to do this even after blocking them. I truly hope they reap what they sow. I have physical pain at times, triggers when I go into gas station when music is played. The joy of music stolen. Completely relate ....
@@m.c.8877 I can relate to still having physical pain from the emotional triggers & memories. My guy never came back; he just moved on to the next one, and now another one. He's a singer in a well-known metal band and we love all kinds of music. We used to have "song night" and share songs that we liked online, since we were in a LD relationship. So, I get the "joy of music stolen" thing, too. I feel cursed by dating him, like there's no escape even though he hasn't spoken to me the past year. I know it's for the best, but the wounds still feel so fresh. All the best to you in your healing!!
If nothing else, Team Healthy shows that we are far from the only people who have been through this type of situation. Our pain is unique to us, but universal. There is comfort in that, sadly enough.
They try to shrink people they feel threatened by into being the same
The pain and the injustices don't just disappear after the abuse stops
Their energy actually made me physically ill as well as having effects on my psyche
I turned to people I thought were friends and relatives for help
They turned out to be enablers
Can we recycle this pain? Can we put it in good use perhaps as a motivating factor for personal power and a better revision of ourselves. Accepting the idea that narcissists don't change has been a great relief, No pain no gain
Yes, that makes sense!
My mother just celebrated her 94th birthday. They do not change.
@@MKCarol-ms7lg lord help us!!
@@MKCarol-ms7lg - Only the good die young! 😉
@@hissyfitz7890 LOL
Thank you so much for this video Dr Carter! What you have said, has encouraged me so much!! You truly understand this issue, and I am so grateful because another part of the pain aside from the experience of having to interact or share life with a narcissist is the pain of many people seeming not to understand what you've gone through when you need someone to talk to and some look at you like you are making things up which is also painful! Thank you again!!!😊
You are quite welcome!
Listened before to this powerful video
.as insightful as ever...thank you...steps 6 and 7 have been very helpful. And a moment of grace that I said yes to..only a power greater than myself has been able to ease the pain of ruthless narcs peace
Narcissim is like mold....it keeps coming back worse and worse
This is the redeeming quality of being a victim. It allows you to comfort others in pain. Pain can not be avoided in this world. There are too many variables that cause pain. I've noticed that people who are living with chronic physical pain are the most compassionate people. I guess victims are constant empathizer's as their first impressions of others is whether or not others are struggling in some way. They pick up on it and knowing pain so personally they don't want others to feel agony or suffering. An unhealthy minded person would get something out of others feeling misery -as in misery loves company.
You don't want to let your pain ruin the rewarding parts of being compassionate. Pain can make you bitter and resentful towards people who have nothing to do with your situation , we don't want to broaden the works of a narcicisst by passing it on. There is a rewarding feeling to be able to comfort someone genuinely. We have been through an entanglement with "satan". There is still joy to be found despite their attempts to imprison you in misery.
Yes, it is truly comforting to know there are others out there who have lost their children and grandchildren due to one narcissist that effected the others. The pain will empower you to learn to love in such a greater way.
I did as a consequence of his lies and manipulation, but accept that I have no control over what they chose to believe or why. I hate that I live my life knowing my grandkids were fed such awful lies, but my relationships now with friends and family whom I love and love me are nurturing and sustaining.
My mom made me responsible for all her troubles. because of this life long behavior I take accountability to an extreme and I become deeply defensive when someone tries to make me accountable for something I feel I'm not responsible for. It causes me problems in all relationships.
Same.
I know how that goes. I tend to get defensive or try to explain myself, trying to convince others that I didn't mean to make the mistakes I made, nor did I intend for things to go wrong, yet to these types of people, it doesn't matter. They get their jollies off of shaming and disparaging others, even to pass the buck onto some other "schmuck " just to look like righteous geniuses.
They love to act real smug and macho(both men and women) and turn others against me.
Forgiveness is what ended my bitterness and hatred and murderous thoughts. It was hard, I'm not going to lie. When I think on it now, negative and sad feelings definitely still creep up but I don't let them smother me anymore. I have trained myself to look ahead and appreciate the fact that I got away! I think about what I would be doing if I had not escaped and it makes me smile. I thank God for neuroplasticity. Your brain can build new pathways of thought patterns. Never, never give up.
I once questioned the narcissist as to"why"( first rule of " Narcissist club"- never ask" why") they are intentionally so dismissive devalueing and hurtful to me(covertly of course so no one outside the home sees it)....his response: " Because you tell me the truth about myself"........
Horrible individuals
The narcs who are following me dress like men, women, wear fat suits, wigs, contact lenses in different colors, wear black makeup and dress like they are black, etc. They show up as realtors, etc. They have damaged my car, killed one of my cats, Charmaine, etc. They took a screwdriver recently to my car door and left it open and drained the new battery. They have attempted to run over me in the street while walking my dog, tried to cause car accidents in many ways. One smashed into the rear of my car twice, so I have not bought a new car. The woman next door came to my home 6 months after moving in on Christmas Eve with her husband. She had been constantly coming outside when I would go out, and actually flirting. It was nauseating. I said I am not a lesbian and do not swing both ways. I had a friend over and his child and my children were coming in for Christmas at 7 am. These neighbors were all dressed up when they knocked on my door on Christmas Eve. Rob, the friend, took me into the kitchen and said these people swing both ways. I was stunned and said, we don't. I had known Rob for over five years. I told them to leave. They left. After that, things got much w orse. These two narcs show up at the next door neighbor's house over and over. She accuses me of saying things to her I never said. It goes on and on. Her daughter told me her mother went to where I work. I said she does not know where I work. The girl said she follows you everywhere. She said her mother told her that she is going to ruin me, and then the child started crying. She said she was in the car when her mother followed me into the area I work at the hospital. The man I went out with twice also talked to my supervisors because I refused to go out with him again. The police will not get involved. I have to move but these narcs stay next door on both sides, across the street and one block away. They follow me everywhere. They recently showed up dressed as women saying they were Mormons. It never ends. I have to move but they come out and park in front of my house if I open the front door. I am being damaged by these awful people. I do not know what to do. I refuse to talk to any of these people, avoid them when I can, but they just do not stop. I am a giver and have helped many people whenever possible. Of course, our own pain makes us more compassionate and empathetic toward others. Moving is what I need to do in this situation, but do not want to be followed.
Thank you so much , Dr C. Your videos offer so much support as well as affirmation that the world has very good and decent folks.
Dr. Carter, God bless you for always plucking me back from taking that step off the cliff and falling down the deep dark narcissistic rabbit hole!! Your videos are so helpful & informative.
You are very welcome
Dr C, thank you for another life changing video. After being married to a man than enjoyed inflicting verbal pain for 13.5 years, divorcing him, but then being his caregiver as he faced a terminal brain condition for 5 years, I have asked myself will this deep of trauma heal. I have found prayer, and pursuing knowledge on the topic has helped me heal. Your videos have propelled me forward. After my ex husband died on 1/1/2022, I did grieve his passing which surprised me. I felt grief he lived his life the way he did, treated me the way he did, and he suffered the last years of his life. I’ve always thought though, even in the darkest times, don’t waste this pain. Use it to be better, stronger, smarter, one day this will help you to help other people. After he died, I realized he can’t hurt me anymore unless I relive it. So I stop myself before it starts. A malignant narcissist started at work making my life miserable along with everyone else I discovered. Isolating people from each other with lies to pit people against each other. I said to myself, I lived through this with my ex husband, I’m not living through this again. I started going to each person individually the narcissist at work claimed hated me, asked them if I had offended them, what could I do to make it right, etc. I discovered the narcissist had told the other employees the same lies to isolate them as well. The other employees were suffering in silence not knowing what to do. I’m glad I decided not to waste the pain from my marriage to a narcissist to help people at work see the truth about themselves, be a peacemaker, and they stopped believing the lies of the work narcissist. Fast forward, the work narcissist house of lies started collapsing around her, and she was fired as we discovered her manipulative behavior was to silo people to cover up her misappropriation of company funds.
The trauma a narcissist causes is real. You lose family, friends, money, years, self confidence. I know in my case, healing started like a grain of sand. But the more I sought out knowledge and decided not to waste all the pain, healing escalated. I wish I had never gone through all of that? Absolutely. But I did. No changing it now. All I can change is how I see it and use it going forward. As a Christian, I believe in the biblical principal, what Satan meant for evil, God will turn for good. I need to continue to be a willing and active participant in making the next chapters of my life good.
Amen
Amen. Thank you for sharing. May you find true joy and peace. I pray this for my 36 yr old son. Hope he gets out of his marriage to a very narcissistic wife before it takes too much toll on his life. In only 3 yrs she has wrecked so much of what he worked to gain. God protect him and others going thru the same and worse.
Oh Shari, thank you so much for this. I have tears. What you said is so true, so powerful, and has helped me. I'm going to read and re-read your comment many times so I can remember it. I have lost family, friends, and a sense of who I am. I pray God will turn it around for good.
@@carrie402 these monsters among us!
Thank you for writing this.
As a NP, I’ve been able to use my pain and the comfort I received from God to be compassionate to others in pain… even in the same kind of pain
Joanne Morace,God is your strength
Oh my gosh. The pain and grief of alienation and triangulation is brutal. But in the 10 months since my sister unleashed her demonic and physical narcissistic abuse on me, I have solidified and nurtured my relationship with my partner and achieved my dream of owning a modest home in the Caribbean. Without the thousands of dollars she owes me. My validation is manifestation and the gratitude which outweighs the grief.
Thank you again, Dr C and Team Healthy.
So both my parents are narcissist along with other mental health issues. They disowned me when I left to live with a former boyfriend whom they never liked because of the fact he wasn't wealthy. I do have have anger on occasion. It comes in waves. When the anger does happen, I think I escaped and am living my own life. I am truly blessed and grateful for each moment. As far as I'm concerned, the world owes me nothing. I never felt that the world did. Not the world's fault I had sad parents. I focus on building meaningful relationships and helping others when applicable. The only way to get even with these defective individuals is to be the best you can and be as kind as you can to others.♥
I really appreciate the comments about not expecting the world to go according to our ideal interactions because it is a broken world filled with disordered people who do not or don’t want to comply or even acknowledge what is wrong. We can only take responsibility on what falls in our court and what we can control or do about it to get better. Do NOT, for one second, lean on narcs’ responses for your happiness or well-being, or you will never ever get better or see the light. They KNOW and exploit this weakness in us.
I quit my job because of a narcissist co-worker. She had spun quite the tangled web with the other crew members, its amazing to me how my integrity and dignity was destroyed by her and the other crew members believed her, that hurts.