Yep, I’ve done it myself with a guy I actually love. It sucks because then they feel hurt and don’t trust you, and it’s hard to explain that it really wasn’t them, it was you.
Does hiding in the bushes and watching them win points? It started for me way back when I held a boom box over my head outside her window blasting our song. Her new boyfriend beat the crap Outta me & the cops found duct tape, rope & a knife n shovel with lime in my car. It was for a project. She had another 50 feet tacked on to my restraining order. Shez obsessed with me.
Rejecting or being rejected is one of the most common social events in life. If you don't believe me, just listen to all the songs that have been written and sung about it.
lol, it might be the perfect time to watch it though! If relationships are super important to you then studying how they succeed and fail is a great exercise. I highly recommend John Gottmans books (or audiobooks), especially "What makes love last", it's known as one of the foremost relationship books of the last 50 years. It's absolutely eye opening!
Every time I realized I was about to be rejected, and didn't reject first, I regretted deeply. It's quite obvious when something is not going right, and if you don't get out as soon as you notice it, you will just be humiliated until the person finally says how they are disgusted by you.
@@ottosump3356 Did you read the dude's username I replied to? I had to check to see the context of my comment too. Psychologically Im sure I have plenty wrong with me but I'd say you've got some reading comprehension skill deficits. I encounter that a lot as a language teacher. Maybe english isn't your first language but that's all the more reason to read again or not jump to conclusions. Humor doesn't always translate and jokes don't always land either but maybe reread before you go judging me for some text on the internet's. Or ask this guy about his username at least while you're at it.
@@vincemcmahonreadskoran3120 although the username is shocking, his statement is correct. These humans just “crank through” one another. It’s ok for you to not be aware, I wasn’t either until a partner explained a few things. Some humans may have 3-5 “parters” a month. That’s 36-60 a year. A high school friend claimed 21 by his 21 bday. He made a photo collage of all his bitches to show off, so I believe him. I’ll likely not have 20 in my life and it’s ok . Some only have 2 in a lifetime, Old folks ya know.
I spent many years of my life in bad relationships. Here I am at 70 and have finally learned to reject relationships that are abusive. I want to spend my latter years free of drama and conflict. If I make a new friend that is unkind I just get out of it ASP.
indeed! I had to turn down several guys before I met the one I would marry, and it was very difficult to do. I knew it would hurt them, and they were nice guys, but I also knew they just weren't the right fit for me. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I just tried to do it as sympathetically as I could.
My mother never got over my father divorcing her. In my 30's I had to tell her to "get over it". They were divorced when I was 2 1/2 and he remarried when I was 3 1/2. I had to deal with her anger and bitterness my entire life.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, makes my heart sad. I divorced my husband when my kids or two and three, it was because of his drinking not because he was a bad father. I always let the kids make up their own mind about their dad and I never bad bout them while they were growing up. Who made up their own mind. We stayed friends until his passing last year. I did hold a very serious grudge against this his wife she was bitter nasty and mean. I kept that alone say to me until she passed about 3 months ago and I let that go. My kids who are now in their forties thank me so much for not bad-mouthing their father. Sometimes people need to hear enough is enough I hope you can heal and have peace I never understood why the hold a grudge or hate or anger doesn't that make your life miserable
@@DS40764 My father was a raging alcoholic who also loved tearing people down to make himself feel better. Just remember that. He was also a narcissist as well as my mother. He also liked to complain about his sex life to me when I was nine years of age and younger.
Was he a narcissist??? They are difficult to get over not because of love but because they tramatize you. There is a trauma bond left. It’s much easier to get over a relationship without trauma
I"m reminded of a comic (I think it was Kat Williams) who said people make up stupid reasons to argue when they want to break up. "You put ketchup on my hotdog???!! B*** I'm outta here"
Kristen D he’s not a psychiatrist. He is a licensed professional counselor of mental health, a licensed chemical dependency professional, and has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision. He has a Ph.D, not MD as a psychiatrist would. Correct me if wrong
_"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it…"_ -Kierkegard
after almost 30yrs of marriage, my husband told me he no longer loved me. I had just been diagnosed a couple of years earlier with a life altering disease leaving me in a wheelchair. plus my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour, given 3-5 yrs to live. she made it 3. so … a lot to process. he could not deal with it all, so he left. long storey short …. I didn't even see him leave. I was totally unaffected by it !!! is something wrong with me ? I loved this man ! why didn't I care when he left ? to this day … I feel nothing.
Let people go if they want to leave. Problems usually follow them so keep that in mind. Good for you for not making him your whole life. He's showing you who he really is when you are going through adversity or setbacks. Not everyone will stay even if they make that promise. Time usually tells and reveals who a person really is.
@Welcome's House God is an artificial construct. What's left of ancient religions is a notion of the dark past, when people could explain nothing and lived in total oblivion, believed in fairytales for the lack of a better solution, so get your facts straight. Traditions make us brainwashed from the very early stages of our childhood on, to force certain patterns of beliefs and behaviors. Entertaining these ideas blindly still in adulthood, having received proper education, seems both sad and incomprehensible. TLDR: there is no god, in any form, under no name, no higher powers, no karma, no justice, no magic, no mysterious fantasy-lands and no paradise after death. Eventually you just die irreversibly - so live your life to the fullest while it lasts.
@@BAMovin I don't need god to do good, and neither does god prevent the others to act evil nor boosts their inteligence ;) Keep on finding quotes and have a great day :D
My teddy bear never rejects me. He also never denies cuddling, never emotionally invalidates me, is there always for me. However his level of verbal abuse by ignoring questions would be high if I ever tried to talk to him. He also withholds his feelings (he doesn't have any, due to missing brain).
Anthropomorphizing stuffed animals is fun but man they would be lousy people. Stares at you when you sleep, zero empathy, never offers to pay, good listener but super lazy...
Rejection goes with dating. It could be that you are the wrong body type. Or more common you might be a replacement and just don't match up close enough. I once dated a music teacher and the fact I didn't play a musical instrument was the deal killer. When any of these scenarios occur all you can do is "Next".
Thank you for discussing this with as much objectivity as possible. Sometimes, when a male expects stereotypical "feminine" traits from a woman - like expecting them to get married and have children but *not* to ever attend University - their so-called rejection is a blessing in disguise. Many women who want to study move on and later find a man far more suitable for them.
@@daviedood2503 Does that happen often? Do women not want men who pursue education & a career? I grew up in a rural area and all my relatives (male and female) got married and none of them went to college. I've never known a truck driver, carpet installer, roof installer, carpenter, cabinetmaker, or factory worker who wasn't married. But the men seemed to have chosen those jobs & not had aspirations to pursue education beyond high school. Maybe it's different in urban areas. I always thought it more likely that a man wouldn't want his wife to be (or appear) smarter than him or to make more money, not the other way around.
@@DonnaBrooks men have found out that college is a waste of time unless you're going to be a Dr, lawyer, etc. Having a PHD in some..."dance theory" class, doesn't earn someone hardly any money despite how _joyful_ it may "feel"... Women don't want a guy who makes below them, she also comes with student loans and debts. That 100k a year she makes, really is about 90k after taxes, and probably around 75k to 80k after paying student loans all year. But they don't want the guy who makes 80k without student debt. The woman wants a man who makes A LOT more than her especially if she makes 100 -200k but those guys don't want HER. It's her behavior and how she comes across. They lost what it's like to be feminine. That doesn't mean SLAVERY either.. u don't HAVE to do a damn thing. But outside of sexual intimacy, what else can you really do anyways ? Cooking and cleaning, laundry, you're doing that ANYWAYS, it's part of being a responsible adult. The more money she makes, the more combative she becomes and starts to feel like a guy with a wig on. Doesn't even feel like a woman. Even the way she walks looks like a butch guy.. They've been brainwashed in this "law of attraction" crap. This means _"Well if I become the man I want, I'LL ATTRACT IT!"_ mentality. Look at it this way..say you imagine a man, nice hair, nice face, nice build, height etc. He walks up to you, and begins speaking very feminine. Very soft, stands a little floofy with his hand on his hip.. This does NOT feel very masculine. Can give off the impression that he likes men instead. The woman isn't going to be very attracted to that...but, LAW OF ATTRACTION AYE? 😂 It's the same thing, just reverse the genders. It's feels like some weirdo trying to be a little man or something. Guys don't want that crap. Then they wonder "well where did all the men go" 😂 Not to mention all the fake claims made against them bc he doesn't want to have a relationship with her etc. The whole "right there sir" comes out, as soon and he finds a better woman who's actually feminine. Guys don't actually care about your education. It does nothing for them. It doesn't intimidate them, nor does it "turn them on" _"omg bro, she's got a bachelor degree snd guess what man...it's framed in Mahogany, I'm so turned on bro, and she's got 22 inch rims too!"_ Like, that just doesn't happen.. 😂 So hypergamy makes a woman choose a guy who makes way more than her, bc she's got this "degree" that they don't do anything with, but those guys don't want her. Typically they end up buying a cat or dog and dying alone in some hole in the wall apartment. Forget about marriage as well. Stats currently show that only 6 out of 1,000 Men would still marry. 😂 Feminism fd up women badly, and they're the most unhappy, bill ridden gender that fakes being happy the most. With their boxed wine and junk food watching "the notebook" 😉👌🍻
@Paper Mario Or maybe you should learn how to get a freakin clue. A wise man once said, "If someone avoids you, never bother them again." It was true 2000 years ago and it's true now. Learn to take a hint.
When a long-term couple breaks up it might mean the destruction of his/her friend and activity structure, as well. The loss of that might be more difficulty than losing the basic relationship.
I love Dr Grande's analysis and pointers so much. I'm going through dating right now and it's so hard to reject someone, who really likes me, after I've determined it's not a good fit because it's terrible to hurt their feelings. It's also difficult to extend emotional vulnerability to people I don't know well again and again. People who are patient and earn others' trust are the people who will do the best in dating, I think.
My son was dumped by his girlfriend. He was suicidal. My husband had to take two weeks off work to be with him and make sure he did not take his life. It was extremely upsetting for the whole family. He has not dated since. It has been three years.
It's one thing to be rejected, it's quite another to be rejected and humiliated at the same time. That is what the situation with your son appears to be. The way women act towards men over the past few decades has been getting worse and worse.
@@marthaokelley9360 What? They failed as parents. Their son isn't strong enough to deal with ordinary life. That's a big fat failure. Nobody died, he didn't lose a limb or his eyesight, it was just a breakup with a girlfriend. It happens every day. What's he going to do when something really bad happens?
@@taraswertelecki7874 wtf you incel xdd are you aware 1/5 women in EU were raped during their lifetime? But when a woman decides to break up with a guy - oh no, she's a monster. Get some help dude, you reek of male privilege.
Damn! I recently got obsessed with the self fulfilling prophecy and when you made that perfect connection about it with low self esteem it made me jump in joy, I sincerely believe it has a lot of power in your life! Fake it till you make it guys!
My ex idealized me for a while but then it flipped, and it was like she idealized everyone BUT me. It seemed like everyone we encountered that was different or interesting she'd want to take on their identity as opposed to keeping her own unique identity and appreciating the new persons unique identity. I was very different than anyone she'd ever met because I'm from another country and have an accent and a different view of things and I can see where that might have been fascinating for her initially. Strangly though she didn't ask me about my upbringing or past experiences that much. Looking back it's almost like I didn't exist until I entered her life. We were on and off for a period of about 18 months and it was usually me walking away but only because she would sabatoge the relationship. Saying horrible things that you just can't take back, lying, cheating, or just being exploitative. Always felt like I was in some sort of competition with her as opposed to being a unified team. She would find ways to go out doing fun things without me and posting pictures of it online. There'd be "likes" and stupid little heart eyed emojis from other guys. I'm like WTF? But still trying to come off like it's no big deal and I'm confident, not jealous, and it doesn't bother me. But of course it bothers you right? Then if you express that, you're accused of being controlling, not trusting, manipulative or whatever. Oh, and don't try playing that game back. How dare you. It's so immature, you eventually have to just leave and let them have the last word. Don't let your pride keep you in something like this trying to get out even or with the upper hand. This relationship dynamic is right where they live. You can't win on this turf. You gotta just grab your shit and bail.
I've been carrying such pain for 15 years, I also haven't allowed myself to get involved in anything more than a superficial relationship for that time as well and the last one was 5 years ago
As an introvert, I’m content alone. IMO, Relationships are more problematic than rewarding. Most people are liars! Most men don’t want a one on one relationship; they just say they do-or they have an ideal which is unattainable. I think most humans are serial monogamist; the problem is: they’re on different clocks and not honest when they are done. Pets are better partners. Roommates are better partners. If you want romance, date-don’t live together. 🤷♀️ living together takes away the dynamics most want to maintain.
Thank you for citing some related literature Dr. Grande. Your discussion of the topic is well-researched, not based on opinions and perceptions. The more videos of you i watch, your credibility increases. Salute to you, Dr. Grande!
I have a real life scenario that played out horribly. I was in a long term relationship of 11 years. I felt my partner wasnt respecting me or listening to me. I was feeling rejected and dismissed. Talking about it turned into arguments. Long story short, towards the end I started rebelling by returning the same attitude towards them in hopes of them seeing how hurtful it feels so they would understand because they thought I was just being needy which I'm not, nor am I clingy. I can survive off very little attention and affection. I wanted them to see what I was talking about so they knew first hand. Whelp, turns out they ended up leaving me out of nowhere because they felt I was neglecting them and moving away from each other and things just weren't the same anymore. This of course infuriated me at first, the shock I went thru because of the nerve this person had in order to do this. The irony.... I should have left THEM! Anyways, in reality, it didn't matter. There was clearly more going on that I wasn't aware of and I wasn't seeing. Not until after months had gone by did I start realizing I was with a narcissist, many people I know came forward and finally told me that they could see this person was treating me poorly. I having my own issues caused me to be in denial and delusional the whole time because it's all I knew and it was familiar. Love is a powerful feeling. It will blind you to many bad things. This is why other people can see what you can't because they're not in love with the person so they're not effected. Besides the typical heartbreak and loss of the person, what really made me the most upset and the hardest to get over is the fact that I should have left them, they should be the one feeling the rejection I'm feeling, I have the getting dumped feeling, everything they said to me about why they left is what I should have told THEM. They feel like they hold the high ground in leaving like they were the victim, they got the ego boost for thinking they're saving them self and moving on to greener grass. Good luck finding greener grass when you're nothing but a weed. I'm sure theres plenty of psychological stuff to break down in my comment that points the finger at both of us but whatever. It is what it is. We were clearly not compatible but that doesnt make it hurt any less. Looking back, this person couldve been wanting out for a long time and used the situation I created as an escape and reason to break up. I was just so upset about the whole thing. I say all this because he mentioned in #10 that creating distance and showing less attention can be a sign that the relationship is ending when in fact sometimes your partner can be doing this as a last ditch effort to actually GET your attention without wanting to end things before just accepting that the relationship is the way it is. This of course involves a narcissist and whatever I might possibly possess so this wasnt exactly an example of a healthy couple. But I'm sure theres someone out there who's been in a similar situation that would understand where I'm coming from and feels the same way.
Very nice to see you're in a better place right now (Might not be a happy place as of yet, but a better place than before, and moving forward for the better is always a step in the right and positive direction. I am 100% confident you were the financial provider in the relationship. You were not valued for who you are. There'll come a day when this old person will just be a sour thought crossing your mind. If they come back, don't believe their lies, they want what you previously provided. Take care :)
Same with me. I ended a relationship a week ago. (it lasted almost 2 years, with a woman) A week of videos like this, reading a book, reading articles, psychologists' statements was enough for me to understand what I was in. I understood it before, and felt it somewhere in the subconscious for a long time. But love is blind - and my love was unrequited. Beautiful words in a period of infatuation. Long letters about her need to have me in her life. Loose plans, forward-looking plans when she had no time for me here and now and she couldn't tell when that time would be (because that was her way of working, unpredictable) Unfulfilled promises, tik toks and pictures about relationships, love, and big words "this is us", "your life in 10 years", "we'll make up for that time" - and when it came down to it, I didn't even get a Christmas present - three months after Christmas (and it wasn't about "thing" at all) because now it would lie in a box at the bottom of the wardrobe) - because ,"There was no time." "You know what my job looks like""I didn't have time, I'm busy"... She wasn't - it was enough that a colleague or friend called, or something was important to her, go to another city for some gadget, drive 5 hours to see the new car she wanted - time was found right away. I stupidly explained - "because she needs time for her own passions", "because she can't do everything with me in mind", "because she is stressed by work and needs to relieve herself and she will definitely have more fun and laughs with her colleagues". Even if we haven't seen each other for two months... This person didn't have time for me, I was mostly trying to organize this time. I was the one who cared about important dates, having time to talk in the evening and in my free time. And when I knew I had had enough, I did the same - I took away my time from her and focused on myself. I became even more immersed in my passions, I gave myself to friends and family. what did i hear? - "You're moving away from me", "I'm not important to you anymore", "You don't have time for me", "You're not what you used to be", "You don't care". "You have changed" - Yes - I've changed, and that's for the best. Luckily in my case, I was the one who rejected that person and ended it - even though my heart was roaring and screaming that I shouldn't, because I still saw everything in this person that I loved about them. What I still loved about her and what I certainly still love. But the mind did its job. This time of solitude that this person gave me did its job. She allowed me to have so much time for myself, to think about myself and about us, that she built in me the strength, reason and courage to end it. And for that I will always be grateful to her.
I have been on both sides of this experience...although both were uncomfortable, I think to experience such dual positions helps preserve self-esteem and the tendency to identify with "the rejected" as a part of one's identity.
For me it was about how the rejection happened. Narcissist, love bombing, cheating on me, gaslighting, then a final rejection by text when I was feeling so confused and overwhelmed by the whole thing. It really broke me and I’m still suffering because he completely duped me. He never had any intention of a relationship just wanted to break me down to a shell of my former self
Sure it is initially distressing to go through that. Though, once waking up to what type he is you must realise that what he did is not personal, just what the nature of that beast is and always does to all he encounters.Furthermore, compeliled to repeating this. He will till he aging and undesirable, ending up without his sources of satisfaction. Finally, be grateful for the part that the really left you at his earlier stage of life where you could be easily replaced. In all reality you'd never want to be with such a person anyway. It's far more damaging when that type has lesser immediate options so wants to keep some of his claws in you, despite his wander lust. Such then may leave you afraid to fully end the relationship regardless how you've had enough( and eventually you will have).Such dynamics are fraught with far more extended damaging manipulations as well as personal risks and losses of many types before your safe ending is reached. Get over your ego in being fooled and dumped. Constructively use that experience to recognise the traits he has to avoid such ploys again. Likewise look hard at anything about yourself that might have contributed to keep desiring him once he'd revealed negatives.Ongoing trauma is stronger when you haven't come to terms about having stronger personal boundaries that would have been and will be protective.
Something similar happened to me and work, it makes me sick to know there are scum who do this to girls, especially when they are trying to live instead of becoming a statistic
Caz,same here, but it's been 17 yrs we have a child and he has COMPLETELY ruined my life on top of it. Justfound out about the serial cheating he still won't admit to after causing me to lose our house he never put a dollar into. Waiting to be evicted with our son while he is out on a bender and I'm sure with someone(s) else since life is not perfect rn. He has gotgotten my car impounded also, so stuck until I move our things somewhere with his. I know it sucks, but "Things could always be worse". Thatbis the only phrase that has gotten me through it so far. Hang in there!
I noticed a person who has a lot of anxiety will most certainly ghost you or at the very least reject you. If someone cannot be comfortable around you it's just a matter of time before you get dogged out. It could take many years even. This has been a consistent theme for anyone who ghosted me or left me high and dry in the worst possible way or time.
I dated this one guy that I really liked and he liked me but I noticed his anxiety was so high and I also felt extra anxious with him due to his anxiety level and my own. If he would have presented in a more relaxed way, it would have helped me to calm down too. In a short amount of time, maybe two months, he did reject me, when the summer ended and his lecturer job was starting back up. Teaching is very very time consuming and requires a lot of focus. I know this and have asked someone to exit my life when school began again as well. I did not like that I had to be the one to call him and ask what was happening. He said he was "going to address this." Anyway I do not think he handled it well at all and I was very angry because his conclusion was extremely rigid. He refused to tell me why he only wanted to be friends. But we never were able to have a real friendship after that because he would not let me get to know him at all. He had suffered certain traumas in his life and he did not know that I knew about them. He had begun to tell me about other traumas and I just couldn't believe my ears. I therefore was stunned into silence and did not say anything. I am guessing that He was uncomfortable with this and that is probably is why he ended it. What he brought up was not appropriate for a first, second and third date. He was not able to make just small talk and I wish I could have responded differently, but I was stunned.
@@maidenmarian1 I can't get involved with emotional basket cases anymore. I used to feel sorry for them and try to prop them up. I don't think it's good for women to boost a man's confidence because men just use it as an ego boost jumping board for the woman they really want, as the one who helped them now sees them as weak (their thoughts) and somehow too damaged to carry on a relationship. Men in these situations are never grateful.
@@Andromeda_M31 I like your phrase "for the woman they really want." Very good point. I never did prop hm up. At least not directly. I was silent. I had studied Counseling and social work and when he told me these things, I thought it was a bad place to start and I did not want it to continue. I was nice but I could not see these topics (like parents who fought) as a good starting point for getting to know each other. I think he is an emotional basket case and I was saved from a lot of trouble there. This guy was staring at or could not keep from looking at someone else, several people going by on at least one of our dates. I was surprised that he had no awareness of what he was doing. I wondered if he was on the Autism Spectrum since he did not know how to communicate in a date setting and on a date.
@@Andromeda_M31 Also It seems as if a woman in a prop up role can act as "a primer" for all the other women, as you suggest that he will want. I literally saw him staring at more women after we started to go out. I hated it and hated what I saw. The way he would stare at a woman in my presence was disturbing to me. It made me feel horrible and I now go out of my way to avoid anything to do with him. I won't tolerate any of it.
I always think that the best sign that someone is going to reject me is that they are dating me in the first place. It sometimes hurts to be alone but it seems to be easier than the hole in the heart you feel when being rejected. I keep telling myself this and then I devastate my psyche by being a moron again and getting into another relationship. I'm just not psychologically equipped for one right now and it's when it's been long enough that I think I might have healed that I am foolish and start one again.
I look at rejection as a bag of * things I can't have * things I won't have to deal with I'm in a bit of an independent streak. Rejection is a loss/relief combo.
Rejection is Protection. Yes a relief. YES. A relief from any more bad experiences. The quicker one can weed a person out and get them away the better, sometimes. I once had a date where I had dinner with a man and then went off to my class. Later when I got home from class, he called me up. He was drunk and told me how much he hated people who were in my line of work and who did what I was studying. It was pretty sick. I wrote him off immediately. I did not yell back AT ALL, but I told the person who had introduced us about his bad behavior. They were shocked.
I cant wait to say to a girl when she's mad "wow you're really low on scale of agreeableness". Kind of a funny lens to view people through.. i can picture looking at a girl flashing a crowd and thinking "wow she is high on scale of extroversion and also quite high on the scale of adventure seeking!"
I had to be the initiator in my first marriage, it wasn't his parenting skills but it was his drinking. We remained friends they never bad-mouthed him in front of the kids. It was an adjustment. Then I felt grief and pain and guilt. I started putting myself through school and finding a hobby, but there's always two sides to the story right? When he passed away last year it made me very sad and angry because he had such a great life even though he was a drinker and we had three kids together. When my mother died 10 years ago it still affects me somebody acquitted at 2 a record player that skips every time the date comes around and the record is fuzzy that makes sense to you? I'm sorry if I missed quite a few of your videos, and it makes my day everyday to hear your voice
Two grave warning signs to address: 1. Lacking differentiation from, and therefore not truly leaving controlling parent/s (especially mothers); thus husband would fail to properly cleave to his wife, leaving the door open for adultery when for example exposed to opportunistic predatory younger women in the workplace. 2. One or both parties maintaining an attitude of not submitting to one another. Could be the husband with demand that 'wives are to submit to their husbands', or increasingly empowered feminist wives in rebellion against male authority. Two helpful books: BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (Cloud & Townsend) and THE CONTROLLING HUSBAND (Ron Welsch)
I have been enjoying the various topics, that you address. These videos, help to refresh and educate me on major diagnosis, or important issues. Thank you very much.
Arrogance, including perfectionism and being unthankful (looking down on the other with 'I am better and deserve better attitude'); this in combination with bitter resentment: Unwillingness to humbly change own behaviour (finding only fault with the other), and unforgiveness for the other's imperfections and mistakes. Increased unwillingness to submit to the other; in combination with open dissatisfaction and frustration with inability to control the other's behaviour. All of these attitudes rooted in pride and not being accountable towards a Higher Transcendent Power than the self: 'Doing things my way'; thus also lacking in spiritual fruit such as faithfulness, grace, joy, kindness, mercy, patience, perseverance, self-control - rooted in humility.
Various forms of idolatry (worshiping the created thing - including the self - rather than The Creator); as was mentioned, the love of money for example; this weakens one's resolve against other temptations. Once given over to unfaithfulness, the door is left open to digress further: "It is not that God is punishing him; he is bringing punishment upon himself and steadily making himself a slave of sin... Every fulfilment of duty is rewarded by another; and every transgression is punished by another... Whosoever strives to keep himself pure receives the power to do so; and whosoever is impure, to him is the door of vice thrown open."
When a close friend moves away not long after getting married it is something to celebrate not grieve over. Unless of course you can see before that friend moved away that the new couple already before marriage had poor mechanisms for solving problems between them. Like the following 12 signs: 1. One person in the commited romantic relationshp are chronically insecure about maybe ever having to be without a partner, being without their current partner or being rejected in general. 2. Both people in the commited romantic relationship are insecure about maybe ever being rejected by others in general. 3. One person in the commited romantic relationship is still in deep emotional pain about something and the other person cannot understand why. 4. So many differences that the romatnic couple do not find it fun whenever trying to blend their life styles in a way that can accomplish things for the better. 5. Lack of trust in one or both people in the commited romantic relationship. 6. Lack of trust leading to the distrusting partner making the decision to start gaslighting the other with intent to force distance in the comitted romantic relationship sometimes or always. 7. Low self esteem instead of being assertive in one or both partners. 8. Severe inability to adapt to environment in one or both partners 9. One partner more interested in adventure than building a family life. 9. One partner making one negative assumption after another about the other. 10. Inabiity in a partner to believe in image constancy enough to stop feel insecure whenever for example the other has to spend time apart 11. Obsessions in a partner that interfers with the relationshp like being a perfectionist in general. 12. Inability in a partner to deal with an increase of responsibilites without blaming their environment or others for their own behavior as soon as they run into any kind of difficulty including only temptation. 12. One partner preferring to accuse first and ask questions later just because for example the setting like the restaraunt they are visiting together in or whatever where things didn't run altogether smooth was less than ideal.
I have a degree in psychology, but I have learned more from your work here on TH-cam. Maximum professionalism and simply explained .... Thank you for your excellent work.🏆
For some strange reason, someone in a relationship wants to end it, but doesn’t want to be the the one to initiate the separation. So this person treats the other person so badly that the other person quits the relationship. Two women told me this happened to them. Their boyfriend became cruel no matter how much she tried to please him.
I've had 2 wives that did this treat him badly business. 1st time I left after 11 miserable years, I should have caught on after 3 years. 2nd time around I'm sticking around after 20+ and killing her with kindness! She can't stand it! Ha! Makes me laugh, It's gotten to be that I don't care! I'm happy because her scheme doesn't work! Crazy huh? Anyway, I can't afford to leave. I've been subjected to verbal crap all my life and it doesn't phase me anymore. I have hobbies and friends. Romance? Pitooie! Gone... So what, the pets love me.
I enjoyed the video but it surprises me with all these factors at play that anyone ever finds a soulmate. I suppose it is like hitting the jackpot on a fruit machine all the cherries line up .
I dated someone off & on from my teenage yrs to my late 30s. Long story short, he was also sneaking around with my neighbor. He spent 10 yrs in the navy. Got married, came back home. We got back 2gether after 10yrs. By then, I was 30. We broke up again. I was 37. He went back with my neighbor. Broke it off with her, and married someone he met in church. This was 24 yrs ago. The final breakup. I treat him as tho he doesn't exist to this very day. He can rot for all if me.
hearing you mention your patients who spoke of rejections that were decades old that still hurt them so deeply was actually eye opening for me. rejection is so common and yet it is one of the most painful things to deal with, it can fundamentally change someone and really torment them significantly. and yet we all have to keep on living like we are fine.... UGH!
Sadly, I am one of those people still grieving the breakup of an old relationship. I've been married for several years, so I have moved on in a way, but my relationship with a man I strongly suspect has BPD (he was diagnosed bipolar) ended so suddenly and over seemingly nothing that I never quite got over it. I moved about four hours away for a job, and I think that triggered his abandonment fear. One night on the phone I casually used the expression "older and wiser," and this infuriated him. I got off the phone with him, and he called me back to say things weren't going to work out. Never heard from him again. This was a man who'd professed his love for me and clung to me shortly before this. Anyway, I've never gotten over this breakup.
BPD breakups are pretty traumatizing. So I understand. I haven’t been hit by a breakup as bad as the one I had experienced and I was the one who left him, which ended the cycles of push and pull. However, he broke up with me twice over seemingly nothing too. This was hard because he cheated on me with male and female prostitutes and I found out a week into living with him. He was so fixed on having a family with me out of wedlock but I was like no. I have to be married for at least two years. And we talked about when we’d get married too. I sometimes feel like he was trying to trap me into being in his life...But I left after I discovered that was going on. He luckily never met my family (though he begged, I needed time to see if he would be worth taking home), but my dad helped me move out of my ex’s place. This was in May. As of lately, I have been doing better. I still have things to work through because he tried to come back around and I felt the need to threaten a restraining order which was re-traumatizing. After all, I was in a trauma bond with him and thought I loved him (now I accepted the person I thought he was/the child self-centered love that can be). It wasn’t empowering to tell him that, but a sense of grief that I was losing the “person” I cared about. So months later, I still get triggered now and then. I sometimes miss having companionship and someone to cuddle up with. But I know deep down he choose to do what he did, and I deserve better and PEACE. Peace to not worry about cheating, an STD, the lies, or the threats of suicide. It was sooo much. But I was really experiencing PTSD like symptoms for several months after the breakup. I wasn’t myself. I was angry, sad, and tired. During the summer I had smoked so much weed and researched for hours about prostitution. I didn’t understand who and why. I eventually saw a wonderful LSCW who helped me understand myself and reshape my doubts about not being good enough. There would be times I would dissociate when I was reminded of him and had nightmares even. Sometimes I just wished things were different. But I don’t want to live a life of misery and disfunction. What is most important to me now is my safety and joy.
One thing that's been upsetting is that when I tried talking to two therapists about this, they acted like I couldn't really be upset about a relationship from 15 years ago, that feeling traumatized by it must mean I have a problem with my spouse. I explained I'd feel traumatized by my old breakup regardless of my current marital status. Hadn't thought of the ex in a long time, but a recent trigger brought him up again and all of the pain of the breakup. It's validating to hear Dr. Grande say he's treated many clients who still feel hurt from previous rejections. I don't know why the two therapists I've seen acted like this was unusual.
I have always been afraid of getting rejected. And sometimes I was. But I decided to work on that feeling and on my dependence. Learning to love myself independently from how other view me or treat me.
Well after being married to a very manipulative man for 32 years I worked up the nerve to walk away from the terror. It was horrible for both of us. Me because I knew I had lost my personality and direction. Bad for him because he didn’t want to be alone and thought I would just stay the course. I have trouble trusting men now and have dated just a little. Of course after being broken and not young anymore it’s very different than dating as a 20 year old. I feel I’ve become unapproachable although I’m super friendly with everyone.
No matter what kind of personality a person has who is doing the rejecting a sure way to get them to reject you soon after you start interacting with them is to have a set of biases about who they are while at the same time trying to manipulate them into having any romantic feelings about them. Another sure way to encourage someone to reject you by being cold or whatever is to in Maya Angelou's own words: Be impulsive while offering them your shirt while you are naked. A person who is narcissistic is in a sense able to reject a person while they are manipulating that person to believe that they are being liked or accepted by them when in fact the narcissist is only trying to get another source of narcissistic supply. Once you have been rejected by a narcissist like that they are easier to spot and so when spotting them the narcissist can be rejected before being accepted as the narcissist's imagined best 'ideal' supply. No guarantee of course that you will not be ever again be confronted by more narcissists. Like when a few narcissists show up at church to shock everyone there.
This is another great video with a comprehensive analysis. It definitely gave me some things to reflect on. Dr. Grande Thank you for presenting in such a logical, clear and thorough manner. You make me want to go back to school right now.
When the calls were fewer or his emotional state was wayyyy over the top when he did call, I suspected a new romance in the wings so I disconnected by saying we were not compatible. I was right on both accounts. He had reconnected with a former lover - the one I was subbing for.
I 100% agree with Dr. Grande here. Rejection is a great time for personal development Not everyone feels this way,. I wouldn't have a problem moving on if someone rejected me. Having a full life alone doesn't bother me. Also, Chances are. There are also more compatible people to meet in life if the concept of being with someone outweighs being alone. "The one," during the beginning/lovey-dovey is a dangerous concept because it doesn't allow a person to move on if the relationship fails. It's a red flag to me.
I’ve been the rejector in my few relationships over the years. I think it’s because rejection is so painful ii want to avoid it, but at the same time, I wait until the situation seems impossible to work out and not wanting to hurt the other person it becomes a prolonged breakup. I have Noticed that years later I feel that the break up was hasty.
with polyamorous relationships becoming a thing (though not seemingly widespread) maybe those other four relationships won't end in rejection, but everyone moving in together!
Could you do a video on old flames 🔥? When old flames keep coming back or come back, what are the chances for long term relationship or marriage sustainability?
I feel that if they return due to a mutual deep, significant love and both people have evolved in positive directions, then there is chance of the relationship working. If these criteria are not present, the same old issues will surface in time and the relationship will be over once again.
cbeautifulworld11 I agree with you. I think sometimes people break up when they are very young (teens and very early 20s) due to immaturity or for reasons outside their control like the parents make them break up, one goes off to serve country and life pulls them apart, etc. I think if those reasons are no longer an issue, they have both matured and the interest/love never went, then it could last.
There are couples who break up and get back together because one is a selfish manipulator who needs to control and be adored and the other is a romantic fantasist.
Really interesting when one part wants to manipulate the other part in to doing the rejection. I was subject to this at my workplace. It was horrible to go through.
Funny you say that. I'm actually in the process of manipulating my employer to sack me. I hate the job, i hate the company and everything it represents, it doesn't stimulate me intellectually, my bosses aren't field professionals just owner family connections and there is so much more cons for me working at this place than pros. There aren't actually any pros to be there. Quitting without a new job is not an option due to financial ramifications but sack would give me freedom to look for another job and possibility for tribunal case.
It’s true: relationships are bound to break up. Even if there’s no rejection involved, one partner can leave the relationship by dying, too. I’ve noticed that Ive gone through similar grief at the loss of my partner through divorce that my widowed mother went through after the death of my father. I also felt a lot of anger that I’m not sure she experienced. Both of us miss our partners and feel some loneliness.
But one time I actually almost had a relationship. Almost, because that girl loved my awesome personality… which wasn't even present in me. She even asked me out herself, obviously I happily accepted, because I liked her. And she was ok to keep going, but she was usually very upset and sometimes even angry because I wasn't demonstrating a manlike behaviour, she seeked and I wasn't also demonstrating a strong interest in sex part either. I just couldn't stand it and after painful months I dumped her, she immediately started dating her friend, with who she talked a lot about us. They are together to this day (its few years now). Its not like I am not interested in sex, I just don't know how to react (I was and am a virgin) and also have some mental issues on behalf of self-esteem. It was actually a miracle, I thought, that I attracted someone. Simply the thing that attracted her, wasn't me, but her version of myself. Now I feel kinda sad, because I could continue to endure it and have someone else in my life. From that time I am continuously alone.
Dr Grande; Do you think you could do an analysis of Teddy Kennedy and the death of the Kennedy campaign intern at Chappaquittick ???? Mary Jo Kopeckne? And , More specifically, how he and his staff members lied and covered up; failed to report accident which M.E. Stated resulted in her death (she didn’t die by drowning but suffocation) hours later..... and how they manipulated Mary Jo’s devout Catholic parents into NOT requesting an autopsy by sending a Catholic priest to their house, encouraging them to not pursue the autopsy. How did Ted Kennedy get away with murder and remain as Senator of MA for so many years ?????
Dang. TH-cam is spot on again bringing me your message right now. This describes the 2 major relationships in my life. So bizarre how you are able to communicate this so precisely. It was almost instantaneously after I hung up the phone with #2 RE: my distress about the “change” and have I been rejected. OMGs. This topic goes back to my childhood and persists today. I have never heard anyone speak of it this way but the timing is right. Dang! I have several mins to go. Thanks 👍 WOW
There is always the chance of rejection. What are the signs the rejected are lunatics? When do the rejected turn into, if I can't have you no-one can. Why can't we get back together? To the point where it becomes stalking?
Dr. Grande certainly won't reject you, if you join him and his community on patreon. This friendly guy and 19 adorable patrons will welcome you to share with him the more sensitive topics, reflections, personal stories, behind the scene videos and much more.🎉 Esp. the former topics are often rejected by the exceedingly draconian algorithyms of a quite domineering god called TH-cam. 🤬 So: "You don't have to be rich, to be my girl (boy) ... I just want your extra time and your... " (Prince) no, not 💋 , but a very small amount of money for this hard working professor, who explains everything so well. If you want to be number 20, just click on the last link in the description box and the world will become a litle bit more just. Have a great day. 😊
I'd love to join, but with limited spare finances any contribution would be embarrassingly low and not commensurate to what I'd rate his worth.I'll look though.
It depends how a rejection was handled as to how damaging it will be and for how long. My friend was dumped by text after a year long relationship when they had made plans for my friend to move to her bfs city and into his newly built home. She had bought a whole houseful of furniture for his new house, as per their agreement, and the furniture was in a warehouse waiting to be shipped when she got the text. He wouldn't give her a real reason and she was devastated. She was self employed in real estate and had made arrangements to close hr local office and to lease a new one in his city, with new staff..........so it turned her whole world upside down - she had let her local employees go, given notice on her rented house.......The bf refused to meet her in person and talk about it (she told a friend on the phone) and within an hour of him refusing to see her in person she had taken her own life.
both partners need to remain with equal smv. if the relationship of the two levels changes at all, the person with higher market place value will have already lined up new supply and will move on very quickly and with only fake remorse. Be safe, only date down.
but again, I was married and in a decade long relationship with a narcissist who has a horribly traumatic past along with her eight sisters. So who am I to say? All I know is what I’ve experienced and what you can literally see if you just open your eyes. Like clockwork it all comes down to sexual market place value.
"I don't want to be rejected because it hurts so I'll reject you first" Yes. I know what that feels like.
my life story, it truly sucks
i actually prefer it if am the one rejected. I always feel bad when i have to say no to someone.
One time I flaked on a date with a girl for that same reason.
Yep, I’ve done it myself with a guy I actually love. It sucks because then they feel hurt and don’t trust you, and it’s hard to explain that it really wasn’t them, it was you.
Does hiding in the bushes and watching them win points? It started for me way back when I held a boom box over my head outside her window blasting our song. Her new boyfriend beat the crap Outta me & the cops found duct tape, rope & a knife n shovel with lime in my car. It was for a project. She had another 50 feet tacked on to my restraining order.
Shez obsessed with me.
To paraphrase the late Bill Hicks, when your partner says they need some space, they usually mean some space with you not in it.
Isn’t that what space essentially means? Getting away from others & stressors ?
The old George Costanza "its not you its me" escape plan.
That's not usually what they mean, that's always exactly what they mean. That is the definition of space- time away from you
Bill Hicks!❤️🤘🏻
Hilarious from Bill Hicks
Rejecting or being rejected is one of the most common social events in life. If you don't believe me, just listen to all the songs that have been written and sung about it.
Some employers hire girls, abuse, gaslight and fire them but not before they accuse them as being the problem.
Songs Smokey Robinson 🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤hear a lot now on old school songs 🙏🏽🙌💥💯man I’m mirror smooth criminal 😂😂😂🎉🎉🎉
You're an amazing educator. I really enjoy your personality, humor, and teaching style. Thanks for putting so much time and research into your videos.
Well I wouldn't say he's funny, but he does have a very placid, calm way about him that I enjoy listening too for sure.
@@callumfitzpatrick1989 You're missing out. He has a wry wit and mellifluous sarcasm in a deadpan delivery. His mastery at subtext is sublime.
Yay! Non getting into relationships helped me to never be rejected.
Why tf youtube recommending me this after a first date
Better question, why are YOU here?
lol, it might be the perfect time to watch it though! If relationships are super important to you then studying how they succeed and fail is a great exercise. I highly recommend John Gottmans books (or audiobooks), especially "What makes love last", it's known as one of the foremost relationship books of the last 50 years. It's absolutely eye opening!
How'd it go?
@@mastermitser5693 And you? ;)
@@evelyntokamp1011 maybe i came looking for you 👉👈
Every time I realized I was about to be rejected, and didn't reject first, I regretted deeply. It's quite obvious when something is not going right, and if you don't get out as soon as you notice it, you will just be humiliated until the person finally says how they are disgusted by you.
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus NAH dude. She probably found someone irl eight inches of throbbing brown Muhammad.
Vince Mcmahon Reads Koran What's wrong with you ? .
@@ottosump3356 Did you read the dude's username I replied to? I had to check to see the context of my comment too. Psychologically Im sure I have plenty wrong with me but I'd say you've got some reading comprehension skill deficits. I encounter that a lot as a language teacher. Maybe english isn't your first language but that's all the more reason to read again or not jump to conclusions. Humor doesn't always translate and jokes don't always land either but maybe reread before you go judging me for some text on the internet's. Or ask this guy about his username at least while you're at it.
Vince Mcmahon Reads Koran No , you are the weirdo here , and I sure hope you don't teach kids .
@@vincemcmahonreadskoran3120 although the username is shocking, his statement is correct. These humans just “crank through” one another. It’s ok for you to not be aware, I wasn’t either until a partner explained a few things. Some humans may have 3-5 “parters” a month. That’s 36-60 a year. A high school friend claimed 21 by his 21 bday. He made a photo collage of all his bitches to show off, so I believe him.
I’ll likely not have 20 in my life and it’s ok . Some only have 2 in a lifetime, Old folks ya know.
I spent many years of my life in bad relationships. Here I am at 70 and have finally learned to reject relationships that are abusive. I want to spend my latter years free of drama and conflict. If I make a new friend that is unkind I just get out of it ASP.
That's great. Life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve your friendship.
Are you interested in younger men
Yes!!! No more bs
The pain of being rejected is so bad!😢
However rejecting is also sad.
Thank you for this insightful vidro Dr. Grande:)
indeed! I had to turn down several guys before I met the one I would marry, and it was very difficult to do. I knew it would hurt them, and they were nice guys, but I also knew they just weren't the right fit for me. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I just tried to do it as sympathetically as I could.
I guess I just don't see it. If you aren't compatible, move on. Why would be all torn up over it?
My mother never got over my father divorcing her. In my 30's I had to tell her to "get over it". They were divorced when I was 2 1/2 and he remarried when I was 3 1/2. I had to deal with her anger and bitterness my entire life.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, makes my heart sad. I divorced my husband when my kids or two and three, it was because of his drinking not because he was a bad father. I always let the kids make up their own mind about their dad and I never bad bout them while they were growing up. Who made up their own mind. We stayed friends until his passing last year. I did hold a very serious grudge against this his wife she was bitter nasty and mean. I kept that alone say to me until she passed about 3 months ago and I let that go. My kids who are now in their forties thank me so much for not bad-mouthing their father. Sometimes people need to hear enough is enough I hope you can heal and have peace
I never understood why the hold a grudge or hate or anger doesn't that make your life miserable
@Doogy Dog They both told me about it constantly. My father was also an alcoholic. Just remember that. Also, BOTH of them were narcissists.
@@DS40764 My father was a raging alcoholic who also loved tearing people down to make himself feel better. Just remember that. He was also a narcissist as well as my mother. He also liked to complain about his sex life to me when I was nine years of age and younger.
@@DS40764 He divorced her. Remember that as well. She didn't want it.
Was he a narcissist??? They are difficult to get over not because of love but because they tramatize you. There is a trauma bond left. It’s much easier to get over a relationship without trauma
I"m reminded of a comic (I think it was Kat Williams) who said people make up stupid reasons to argue when they want to break up.
"You put ketchup on my hotdog???!! B*** I'm outta here"
Exactly!!
As a native Chicagoan, I am not sure that putting ketchup on a hotdog isn't grounds for divorce, if not a criminal indictment.
@@RobertEWaters lol
😁😂🤣
yes 😟😅
You are a great psychologist! I️ always learn so much!
Kristen D he’s not a psychiatrist. He is a licensed professional counselor of mental health, a licensed chemical dependency professional, and has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision. He has a Ph.D, not MD as a psychiatrist would. Correct me if wrong
He’s a licensed mental health clinician but I think his doctorate is actually in philosophy.
I think he has a PhD in psychology but why don't we just ask him...
@@lisacurtis8162 No, he is NOT a psychologist. He is a mental health counsellor with PhD in counsellor supervision and training.
Love is just a loosing game... Even when observed objectively
_"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it…"_
-Kierkegard
@@zhide4 no ragerts
@@zhide4 Although it is much easier to wish you were married then to wish you were not…
after almost 30yrs of marriage, my husband told me he no longer loved me. I had just been diagnosed a couple of years earlier with a life altering disease leaving me in a wheelchair. plus my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour, given 3-5 yrs to live. she made it 3. so … a lot to process. he could not deal with it all, so he left. long storey short …. I didn't even see him leave. I was totally unaffected by it !!! is something wrong with me ? I loved this man ! why didn't I care when he left ? to this day … I feel nothing.
Let people go if they want to leave. Problems usually follow them so keep that in mind. Good for you for not making him your whole life. He's showing you who he really is when you are going through adversity or setbacks. Not everyone will stay even if they make that promise. Time usually tells and reveals who a person really is.
@Welcome's House God is an artificial construct. What's left of ancient religions is a notion of the dark past, when people could explain nothing and lived in total oblivion, believed in fairytales for the lack of a better solution, so get your facts straight. Traditions make us brainwashed from the very early stages of our childhood on, to force certain patterns of beliefs and behaviors. Entertaining these ideas blindly still in adulthood, having received proper education, seems both sad and incomprehensible.
TLDR: there is no god, in any form, under no name, no higher powers, no karma, no justice, no magic, no mysterious fantasy-lands and no paradise after death. Eventually you just die irreversibly - so live your life to the fullest while it lasts.
@@UndeadAbomination The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. Psalm 14:1
@@BAMovin I don't need god to do good, and neither does god prevent the others to act evil nor boosts their inteligence ;)
Keep on finding quotes and have a great day :D
10:53 when a hig conscience meet one of this individual he/she will be rejected. Run away immediately.
My teddy bear never rejects me. He also never denies cuddling, never emotionally invalidates me, is there always for me. However his level of verbal abuse by ignoring questions would be high if I ever tried to talk to him. He also withholds his feelings (he doesn't have any, due to missing brain).
Cat is similar.
Avoidant Personaluty Disorder
Have you tried a dog? My chihuahua is very chatty but never said a bad thing against me (that I didn't deserve, like when I trod on his foot)
😅😅
Anthropomorphizing stuffed animals is fun but man they would be lousy people. Stares at you when you sleep, zero empathy, never offers to pay, good listener but super lazy...
"So why does someone reject someone else? It could be because they found someone better." - Dr. Grande. Ouch!!! :P
Rejection goes with dating. It could be that you are the wrong body type. Or more common you might be a replacement and just don't match up close enough. I once dated a music teacher and the fact I didn't play a musical instrument was the deal killer. When any of these scenarios occur all you can do is "Next".
Last time I was rejected, I just stopped dating. That was my personal growth, i suppose...
Thank you for discussing this with as much objectivity as possible. Sometimes, when a male expects stereotypical "feminine" traits from a woman - like expecting them to get married and have children but *not* to ever attend University - their so-called rejection is a blessing in disguise. Many women who want to study move on and later find a man far more suitable for them.
Keep that same energy, when a man moves on from a woman, so he too can go study and find a far suitable match for himself as well.
@@daviedood2503 Does that happen often? Do women not want men who pursue education & a career? I grew up in a rural area and all my relatives (male and female) got married and none of them went to college. I've never known a truck driver, carpet installer, roof installer, carpenter, cabinetmaker, or factory worker who wasn't married. But the men seemed to have chosen those jobs & not had aspirations to pursue education beyond high school. Maybe it's different in urban areas. I always thought it more likely that a man wouldn't want his wife to be (or appear) smarter than him or to make more money, not the other way around.
@@DonnaBrooks men have found out that college is a waste of time unless you're going to be a Dr, lawyer, etc. Having a PHD in some..."dance theory" class, doesn't earn someone hardly any money despite how _joyful_ it may "feel"...
Women don't want a guy who makes below them, she also comes with student loans and debts. That 100k a year she makes, really is about 90k after taxes, and probably around 75k to 80k after paying student loans all year. But they don't want the guy who makes 80k without student debt.
The woman wants a man who makes A LOT more than her especially if she makes 100 -200k but those guys don't want HER.
It's her behavior and how she comes across. They lost what it's like to be feminine. That doesn't mean SLAVERY either.. u don't HAVE to do a damn thing. But outside of sexual intimacy, what else can you really do anyways ? Cooking and cleaning, laundry, you're doing that ANYWAYS, it's part of being a responsible adult.
The more money she makes, the more combative she becomes and starts to feel like a guy with a wig on. Doesn't even feel like a woman. Even the way she walks looks like a butch guy..
They've been brainwashed in this "law of attraction" crap. This means _"Well if I become the man I want, I'LL ATTRACT IT!"_ mentality.
Look at it this way..say you imagine a man, nice hair, nice face, nice build, height etc. He walks up to you, and begins speaking very feminine. Very soft, stands a little floofy with his hand on his hip..
This does NOT feel very masculine. Can give off the impression that he likes men instead. The woman isn't going to be very attracted to that...but, LAW OF ATTRACTION AYE? 😂
It's the same thing, just reverse the genders. It's feels like some weirdo trying to be a little man or something. Guys don't want that crap. Then they wonder "well where did all the men go" 😂
Not to mention all the fake claims made against them bc he doesn't want to have a relationship with her etc. The whole "right there sir" comes out, as soon and he finds a better woman who's actually feminine.
Guys don't actually care about your education. It does nothing for them. It doesn't intimidate them, nor does it "turn them on"
_"omg bro, she's got a bachelor degree snd guess what man...it's framed in Mahogany, I'm so turned on bro, and she's got 22 inch rims too!"_
Like, that just doesn't happen.. 😂
So hypergamy makes a woman choose a guy who makes way more than her, bc she's got this "degree" that they don't do anything with, but those guys don't want her.
Typically they end up buying a cat or dog and dying alone in some hole in the wall apartment.
Forget about marriage as well. Stats currently show that only 6 out of 1,000 Men would still marry. 😂 Feminism fd up women badly, and they're the most unhappy, bill ridden gender that fakes being happy the most. With their boxed wine and junk food watching "the notebook" 😉👌🍻
Oftentimes they don’t find a man at all though.
Who hurt you, dude
Dr. Grande, someone has to talk about these sometimes uncomfortable topics. Thank you for your ideas about it!
Slowly decreasing contact is the most cowardly way.
Not if you've already been rejected outright
@Paper Mario Or maybe you should learn how to get a freakin clue. A wise man once said, "If someone avoids you, never bother them again." It was true 2000 years ago and it's true now. Learn to take a hint.
I totally agree. It is a characteristic of narcissistic people.
Depends on how serious you were. Theres nothing wrong with it if you're still getting to know each other.
@@edennis3202 Don't be disrespectful with your language to her.
When a long-term couple breaks up it might mean the destruction of his/her friend and activity structure, as well. The loss of that might be more difficulty than losing the basic relationship.
I love Dr Grande's analysis and pointers so much. I'm going through dating right now and it's so hard to reject someone, who really likes me, after I've determined it's not a good fit because it's terrible to hurt their feelings. It's also difficult to extend emotional vulnerability to people I don't know well again and again. People who are patient and earn others' trust are the people who will do the best in dating, I think.
My son was dumped by his girlfriend. He was suicidal. My husband had to take two weeks off work to be with him and make sure he did not take his life. It was extremely upsetting for the whole family. He has not dated since. It has been three years.
Thank you for sharing this. Much appreciated.
It's one thing to be rejected, it's quite another to be rejected and humiliated at the same time. That is what the situation with your son appears to be. The way women act towards men over the past few decades has been getting worse and worse.
Grieving TAKES TIME. Thank you for being GREAT parents and loving on that young man.
@@marthaokelley9360 What? They failed as parents. Their son isn't strong enough to deal with ordinary life. That's a big fat failure. Nobody died, he didn't lose a limb or his eyesight, it was just a breakup with a girlfriend. It happens every day. What's he going to do when something really bad happens?
@@taraswertelecki7874 wtf you incel xdd are you aware 1/5 women in EU were raped during their lifetime? But when a woman decides to break up with a guy - oh no, she's a monster. Get some help dude, you reek of male privilege.
“Sometimes people want to be rejected.” Truth bomb!!
Damn! I recently got obsessed with the self fulfilling prophecy and when you made that perfect connection about it with low self esteem it made me jump in joy, I sincerely believe it has a lot of power in your life! Fake it till you make it guys!
Yeah, I'm out the "relationship game". It's always a lose-lose-lose situation
Shipper Trash I agree so much happier to be single!
Yeah dating and trying to find a relationship sucks. But as humans we all want companionship and sex.
My ex idealized me for a while but then it flipped, and it was like she idealized everyone BUT me. It seemed like everyone we encountered that was different or interesting she'd want to take on their identity as opposed to keeping her own unique identity and appreciating the new persons unique identity. I was very different than anyone she'd ever met because I'm from another country and have an accent and a different view of things and I can see where that might have been fascinating for her initially. Strangly though she didn't ask me about my upbringing or past experiences that much. Looking back it's almost like I didn't exist until I entered her life. We were on and off for a period of about 18 months and it was usually me walking away but only because she would sabatoge the relationship. Saying horrible things that you just can't take back, lying, cheating, or just being exploitative. Always felt like I was in some sort of competition with her as opposed to being a unified team. She would find ways to go out doing fun things without me and posting pictures of it online. There'd be "likes" and stupid little heart eyed emojis from other guys. I'm like WTF? But still trying to come off like it's no big deal and I'm confident, not jealous, and it doesn't bother me. But of course it bothers you right? Then if you express that, you're accused of being controlling, not trusting, manipulative or whatever. Oh, and don't try playing that game back. How dare you. It's so immature, you eventually have to just leave and let them have the last word. Don't let your pride keep you in something like this trying to get out even or with the upper hand. This relationship dynamic is right where they live. You can't win on this turf. You gotta just grab your shit and bail.
Absolutely no contact 🙏🏽🙌💥💪💯
I've been carrying such pain for 15 years, I also haven't allowed myself to get involved in anything more than a superficial relationship for that time as well and the last one was 5 years ago
What happened
As an introvert, I’m content alone. IMO, Relationships are more problematic than rewarding. Most people are liars! Most men don’t want a one on one relationship; they just say they do-or they have an ideal which is unattainable. I think most humans are serial monogamist; the problem is: they’re on different clocks and not honest when they are done. Pets are better partners. Roommates are better partners. If you want romance, date-don’t live together. 🤷♀️ living together takes away the dynamics most want to maintain.
Thank you for citing some related literature Dr. Grande. Your discussion of the topic is well-researched, not based on opinions and perceptions. The more videos of you i watch, your credibility increases. Salute to you, Dr. Grande!
I have a real life scenario that played out horribly. I was in a long term relationship of 11 years. I felt my partner wasnt respecting me or listening to me. I was feeling rejected and dismissed. Talking about it turned into arguments. Long story short, towards the end I started rebelling by returning the same attitude towards them in hopes of them seeing how hurtful it feels so they would understand because they thought I was just being needy which I'm not, nor am I clingy. I can survive off very little attention and affection. I wanted them to see what I was talking about so they knew first hand. Whelp, turns out they ended up leaving me out of nowhere because they felt I was neglecting them and moving away from each other and things just weren't the same anymore. This of course infuriated me at first, the shock I went thru because of the nerve this person had in order to do this. The irony....
I should have left THEM! Anyways, in reality, it didn't matter. There was clearly more going on that I wasn't aware of and I wasn't seeing. Not until after months had gone by did I start realizing I was with a narcissist, many people I know came forward and finally told me that they could see this person was treating me poorly. I having my own issues caused me to be in denial and delusional the whole time because it's all I knew and it was familiar. Love is a powerful feeling. It will blind you to many bad things. This is why other people can see what you can't because they're not in love with the person so they're not effected.
Besides the typical heartbreak and loss of the person, what really made me the most upset and the hardest to get over is the fact that I should have left them, they should be the one feeling the rejection I'm feeling, I have the getting dumped feeling, everything they said to me about why they left is what I should have told THEM. They feel like they hold the high ground in leaving like they were the victim, they got the ego boost for thinking they're saving them self and moving on to greener grass. Good luck finding greener grass when you're nothing but a weed. I'm sure theres plenty of psychological stuff to break down in my comment that points the finger at both of us but whatever. It is what it is. We were clearly not compatible but that doesnt make it hurt any less. Looking back, this person couldve been wanting out for a long time and used the situation I created as an escape and reason to break up. I was just so upset about the whole thing.
I say all this because he mentioned in #10 that creating distance and showing less attention can be a sign that the relationship is ending when in fact sometimes your partner can be doing this as a last ditch effort to actually GET your attention without wanting to end things before just accepting that the relationship is the way it is. This of course involves a narcissist and whatever I might possibly possess so this wasnt exactly an example of a healthy couple. But I'm sure theres someone out there who's been in a similar situation that would understand where I'm coming from and feels the same way.
Very nice to see you're in a better place right now (Might not be a happy place as of yet, but a better place than before, and moving forward for the better is always a step in the right and positive direction. I am 100% confident you were the financial provider in the relationship. You were not valued for who you are. There'll come a day when this old person will just be a sour thought crossing your mind. If they come back, don't believe their lies, they want what you previously provided. Take care :)
Same with me. I ended a relationship a week ago. (it lasted almost 2 years, with a woman) A week of videos like this, reading a book, reading articles, psychologists' statements was enough for me to understand what I was in. I understood it before, and felt it somewhere in the subconscious for a long time. But love is blind - and my love was unrequited. Beautiful words in a period of infatuation. Long letters about her need to have me in her life. Loose plans, forward-looking plans when she had no time for me here and now and she couldn't tell when that time would be (because that was her way of working, unpredictable) Unfulfilled promises, tik toks and pictures about relationships, love, and big words "this is us", "your life in 10 years", "we'll make up for that time" - and when it came down to it, I didn't even get a Christmas present - three months after Christmas (and it wasn't about "thing" at all) because now it would lie in a box at the bottom of the wardrobe) - because ,"There was no time." "You know what my job looks like""I didn't have time, I'm busy"... She wasn't - it was enough that a colleague or friend called, or something was important to her, go to another city for some gadget, drive 5 hours to see the new car she wanted - time was found right away. I stupidly explained - "because she needs time for her own passions", "because she can't do everything with me in mind", "because she is stressed by work and needs to relieve herself and she will definitely have more fun and laughs with her colleagues". Even if we haven't seen each other for two months...
This person didn't have time for me, I was mostly trying to organize this time. I was the one who cared about important dates, having time to talk in the evening and in my free time. And when I knew I had had enough, I did the same - I took away my time from her and focused on myself. I became even more immersed in my passions, I gave myself to friends and family. what did i hear? - "You're moving away from me", "I'm not important to you anymore", "You don't have time for me", "You're not what you used to be", "You don't care". "You have changed" - Yes - I've changed, and that's for the best.
Luckily in my case, I was the one who rejected that person and ended it - even though my heart was roaring and screaming that I shouldn't, because I still saw everything in this person that I loved about them. What I still loved about her and what I certainly still love. But the mind did its job. This time of solitude that this person gave me did its job. She allowed me to have so much time for myself, to think about myself and about us, that she built in me the strength, reason and courage to end it.
And for that I will always be grateful to her.
I have been on both sides of this experience...although both were uncomfortable, I think to experience such dual positions helps preserve self-esteem and the tendency to identify with "the rejected" as a part of one's identity.
For me it was about how the rejection happened. Narcissist, love bombing, cheating on me, gaslighting, then a final rejection by text when I was feeling so confused and overwhelmed by the whole thing. It really broke me and I’m still suffering because he completely duped me. He never had any intention of a relationship just wanted to break me down to a shell of my former self
Sure it is initially distressing to go through that. Though, once waking up to what type he is you must realise that what he did is not personal, just what the nature of that beast is and always does to all he encounters.Furthermore, compeliled to repeating this. He will till he aging and undesirable, ending up without his sources of satisfaction.
Finally, be grateful for the part that the really left you at his earlier stage of life where you could be easily replaced.
In all reality you'd never want to be with such a person anyway.
It's far more damaging when that type has lesser immediate options so wants to keep some of his claws in you, despite his wander lust. Such then may leave you afraid to fully end the relationship regardless how you've had enough( and eventually you will have).Such dynamics are fraught with far more extended damaging manipulations as well as personal risks and losses of many types before your safe ending is reached.
Get over your ego in being fooled and dumped. Constructively use that experience to recognise the traits he has to avoid such ploys again. Likewise look hard at anything about yourself that might have contributed to keep desiring him once he'd revealed negatives.Ongoing trauma is stronger when you haven't come to terms about having stronger personal boundaries that would have been and will be protective.
Something similar happened to me and work, it makes me sick to know there are scum who do this to girls, especially when they are trying to live instead of becoming a statistic
Caz,same here, but it's been 17 yrs we have a child and he has COMPLETELY ruined my life on top of it. Justfound out about the serial cheating he still won't admit to after causing me to lose our house he never put a dollar into. Waiting to be evicted with our son while he is out on a bender and I'm sure with someone(s) else since life is not perfect rn. He has gotgotten my car impounded also, so stuck until I move our things somewhere with his.
I know it sucks, but
"Things could always be worse".
Thatbis the only phrase that has gotten me through it so far. Hang in there!
Hey Doc, how about something with puppies in it.
😍😍😍🐶
Ed Mitiu oh wow!!! He has a dog!!!!:))) and a family.. who knew:)
krisztina kessel he is neurotypical 🤗
Lol😆
With puppies in it? Sure! Coming up next: correlation of OCEAN personality traits with zoophilia
I noticed a person who has a lot of anxiety will most certainly ghost you or at the very least reject you. If someone cannot be comfortable around you it's just a matter of time before you get dogged out. It could take many years even. This has been a consistent theme for anyone who ghosted me or left me high and dry in the worst possible way or time.
I dated this one guy that I really liked and he liked me but I noticed his anxiety was so high and I also felt extra anxious with him due to his anxiety level and my own. If he would have presented in a more relaxed way, it would have helped me to calm down too. In a short amount of time, maybe two months, he did reject me, when the summer ended and his lecturer job was starting back up. Teaching is very very time consuming and requires a lot of focus. I know this and have asked someone to exit my life when school began again as well.
I did not like that I had to be the one to call him and ask what was happening. He said he was "going to address this."
Anyway I do not think he handled it well at all and I was very angry because his conclusion was extremely rigid. He refused to tell me why he only wanted to be friends. But we never were able to have a real friendship after that because he would not let me get to know him at all. He had suffered certain traumas in his life and he did not know that I knew about them. He had begun to tell me about other traumas and I just couldn't believe my ears. I therefore was stunned into silence and did not say anything. I am guessing that He was uncomfortable with this and that is probably is why he ended it. What he brought up was not appropriate for a first, second and third date. He was not able to make just small talk and I wish I could have responded differently, but I was stunned.
@@maidenmarian1 I can't get involved with emotional basket cases anymore. I used to feel sorry for them and try to prop them up. I don't think it's good for women to boost a man's confidence because men just use it as an ego boost jumping board for the woman they really want, as the one who helped them now sees them as weak (their thoughts) and somehow too damaged to carry on a relationship. Men in these situations are never grateful.
@@Andromeda_M31 I like your phrase "for the woman they really want." Very good point. I never did prop hm up. At least not directly. I was silent. I had studied Counseling and social work and when he told me these things, I thought it was a bad place to start and I did not want it to continue. I was nice but I could not see these topics (like parents who fought) as a good starting point for getting to know each other. I think he is an emotional basket case and I was saved from a lot of trouble there.
This guy was staring at or could not keep from looking at someone else, several people going by on at least one of our dates. I was surprised that he had no awareness of what he was doing. I wondered if he was on the Autism Spectrum since he did not know how to communicate in a date setting and on a date.
@@Andromeda_M31 Also It seems as if a woman in a prop up role can act as "a primer" for all the other women, as you suggest that he will want. I literally saw him staring at more women after we started to go out. I hated it and hated what I saw. The way he would stare at a woman in my presence was disturbing to me. It made me feel horrible and I now go out of my way to avoid anything to do with him. I won't tolerate any of it.
@@maidenmarian1 he sounds exactly like an avoidant attachment type.
Love is truly the best and worst thing about being human.
I always think that the best sign that someone is going to reject me is that they are dating me in the first place. It sometimes hurts to be alone but it seems to be easier than the hole in the heart you feel when being rejected. I keep telling myself this and then I devastate my psyche by being a moron again and getting into another relationship. I'm just not psychologically equipped for one right now and it's when it's been long enough that I think I might have healed that I am foolish and start one again.
you could have read my mind😒
I look at rejection as a bag of
* things I can't have
* things I won't have to deal with
I'm in a bit of an independent streak. Rejection is a loss/relief combo.
Rejection is Protection. Yes a relief. YES. A relief from any more bad experiences. The quicker one can weed a person out and get them away the better, sometimes. I once had a date where I had dinner with a man and then went off to my class. Later when I got home from class, he called me up. He was drunk and told me how much he hated people who were in my line of work and who did what I was studying. It was pretty sick. I wrote him off immediately. I did not yell back AT ALL, but I told the person who had introduced us about his bad behavior. They were shocked.
Nice.
The days are easy, Doesn't even cross my mind. But once I fall asleep, my dreams torture me.
Those signs of rejections that are clear and inevitably described in this analysis were dead on.
Thanks for reviewing this subject matter.
I cant wait to say to a girl when she's mad "wow you're really low on scale of agreeableness". Kind of a funny lens to view people through.. i can picture looking at a girl flashing a crowd and thinking "wow she is high on scale of extroversion and also quite high on the scale of adventure seeking!"
LOL
😁😂
Can be also bad, to be rejected for beeing much to agreeabel...
But see how simple and clear-cut this method of analysis is
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One person is the emitter and the other is the absorber...
I had to be the initiator in my first marriage, it wasn't his parenting skills but it was his drinking. We remained friends they never bad-mouthed him in front of the kids. It was an adjustment. Then I felt grief and pain and guilt. I started putting myself through school and finding a hobby, but there's always two sides to the story right? When he passed away last year it made me very sad and angry because he had such a great life even though he was a drinker and we had three kids together. When my mother died 10 years ago it still affects me somebody acquitted at 2 a record player that skips every time the date comes around and the record is fuzzy that makes sense to you? I'm sorry if I missed quite a few of your videos, and it makes my day everyday to hear your voice
Two grave warning signs to address:
1. Lacking differentiation from, and therefore not truly leaving controlling parent/s (especially mothers); thus husband would fail to properly cleave to his wife, leaving the door open for adultery when for example exposed to opportunistic predatory younger women in the workplace.
2. One or both parties maintaining an attitude of not submitting to one another. Could be the husband with demand that 'wives are to submit to their husbands', or increasingly empowered feminist wives in rebellion against male authority.
Two helpful books: BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (Cloud & Townsend) and THE CONTROLLING HUSBAND (Ron Welsch)
I have been enjoying the various topics, that you address. These videos, help to refresh and educate me on major diagnosis, or important issues. Thank you very much.
I know he's my favorite TH-camr in this area I wish you would write a book I wasn't totally read it
@@ladymopar2024 He's busy writing a book!
@@pocoeagle2 wonderful I did not know that I'm super excited now thank you so much for letting me know
Arrogance, including perfectionism and being unthankful (looking down on the other with 'I am better and deserve better attitude'); this in combination with bitter resentment: Unwillingness to humbly change own behaviour (finding only fault with the other), and unforgiveness for the other's imperfections and mistakes.
Increased unwillingness to submit to the other; in combination with open dissatisfaction and frustration with inability to control the other's behaviour. All of these attitudes rooted in pride and not being accountable towards a Higher Transcendent Power than the self: 'Doing things my way'; thus also lacking in spiritual fruit such as faithfulness, grace, joy, kindness, mercy, patience, perseverance, self-control - rooted in humility.
Various forms of idolatry (worshiping the created thing - including the self - rather than The Creator); as was mentioned, the love of money for example; this weakens one's resolve against other temptations. Once given over to unfaithfulness, the door is left open to digress further: "It is not that God is punishing him; he is bringing punishment upon himself and steadily making himself a slave of sin... Every fulfilment of duty is rewarded by another; and every transgression is punished by another... Whosoever strives to keep himself pure receives the power to do so; and whosoever is impure, to him is the door of vice thrown open."
Good morning Dr. I thanks for uploading this video. Every video is a gem to me to learn to know myself and my world around.
Yes! I agree! His videos are the best very informative! Much love from Mexico!
When a close friend moves away not long after getting married it is something to celebrate not grieve over. Unless of course you can see before that friend moved away that the new couple already before marriage had poor mechanisms for solving problems between them. Like the following 12 signs: 1. One person in the commited romantic relationshp are chronically insecure about maybe ever having to be without a partner, being without their current partner or being rejected in general. 2. Both people in the commited romantic relationship are insecure about maybe ever being rejected by others in general. 3. One person in the commited romantic relationship is still in deep emotional pain about something and the other person cannot understand why. 4. So many differences that the romatnic couple do not find it fun whenever trying to blend their life styles in a way that can accomplish things for the better. 5. Lack of trust in one or both people in the commited romantic relationship. 6. Lack of trust leading to the distrusting partner making the decision to start gaslighting the other with intent to force distance in the comitted romantic relationship sometimes or always. 7. Low self esteem instead of being assertive in one or both partners. 8. Severe inability to adapt to environment in one or both partners 9. One partner more interested in adventure than building a family life. 9. One partner making one negative assumption after another about the other. 10. Inabiity in a partner to believe in image constancy enough to stop feel insecure whenever for example the other has to spend time apart 11. Obsessions in a partner that interfers with the relationshp like being a perfectionist in general. 12. Inability in a partner to deal with an increase of responsibilites without blaming their environment or others for their own behavior as soon as they run into any kind of difficulty including only temptation. 12. One partner preferring to accuse first and ask questions later just because for example the setting like the restaraunt they are visiting together in or whatever where things didn't run altogether smooth was less than ideal.
I have a degree in psychology, but I have learned more from your work here on TH-cam. Maximum professionalism and simply explained .... Thank you for your excellent work.🏆
For some strange reason, someone in a relationship wants to end it, but doesn’t want to be the the one to initiate the separation. So this person treats the other person so badly that the other person quits the relationship. Two women told me this happened to them. Their boyfriend became cruel no matter how much she tried to please him.
🙏🏽🙌💥💥💥💥
I've had 2 wives that did this treat him badly business. 1st time I left after 11 miserable years, I should have caught on after 3 years. 2nd time around I'm sticking around after 20+ and killing her with kindness! She can't stand it! Ha!
Makes me laugh, It's gotten to be that I don't care! I'm happy because her scheme doesn't work! Crazy huh? Anyway, I can't afford to leave. I've been subjected to verbal crap all my life and it doesn't phase me anymore. I have hobbies and friends. Romance? Pitooie! Gone... So what, the pets love me.
It seems to confirm that we don’t process, come to terms with or otherwise deal with big issues in life - lurks in the subconscious forever
Thank you, Dr. Grande, for all your continued hard work-always much appreciated!
Very interesting. Relationship issues are usually important to most everyone. I have known many women who have been badly affected by rejection.
That would be me!
@@jillwilkerson2032 so sorry!!!!!!!!
I love this channel and all the comments. I learn so much
I enjoyed the video but it surprises me with all these factors at play that anyone ever finds a soulmate. I suppose it is like hitting the jackpot on a fruit machine all the cherries line up .
The King went thru hundreds and never found a soulmate. TCB.
I dated someone off & on from my teenage yrs to my late 30s. Long story short, he was also sneaking around with my neighbor. He spent 10 yrs in the navy. Got married, came back home. We got back 2gether after 10yrs. By then, I was 30. We broke up again. I was 37. He went back with my neighbor. Broke it off with her, and married someone he met in church. This was 24 yrs ago. The final breakup. I treat him as tho he doesn't exist to this very day. He can rot for all if me.
hearing you mention your patients who spoke of rejections that were decades old that still hurt them so deeply was actually eye opening for me. rejection is so common and yet it is one of the most painful things to deal with, it can fundamentally change someone and really torment them significantly. and yet we all have to keep on living like we are fine.... UGH!
Sadly, I am one of those people still grieving the breakup of an old relationship. I've been married for several years, so I have moved on in a way, but my relationship with a man I strongly suspect has BPD (he was diagnosed bipolar) ended so suddenly and over seemingly nothing that I never quite got over it. I moved about four hours away for a job, and I think that triggered his abandonment fear. One night on the phone I casually used the expression "older and wiser," and this infuriated him. I got off the phone with him, and he called me back to say things weren't going to work out. Never heard from him again. This was a man who'd professed his love for me and clung to me shortly before this. Anyway, I've never gotten over this breakup.
BPD breakups are pretty traumatizing. So I understand. I haven’t been hit by a breakup as bad as the one I had experienced and I was the one who left him, which ended the cycles of push and pull. However, he broke up with me twice over seemingly nothing too. This was hard because he cheated on me with male and female prostitutes and I found out a week into living with him. He was so fixed on having a family with me out of wedlock but I was like no. I have to be married for at least two years. And we talked about when we’d get married too. I sometimes feel like he was trying to trap me into being in his life...But I left after I discovered that was going on. He luckily never met my family (though he begged, I needed time to see if he would be worth taking home), but my dad helped me move out of my ex’s place. This was in May. As of lately, I have been doing better. I still have things to work through because he tried to come back around and I felt the need to threaten a restraining order which was re-traumatizing. After all, I was in a trauma bond with him and thought I loved him (now I accepted the person I thought he was/the child self-centered love that can be). It wasn’t empowering to tell him that, but a sense of grief that I was losing the “person” I cared about. So months later, I still get triggered now and then. I sometimes miss having companionship and someone to cuddle up with. But I know deep down he choose to do what he did, and I deserve better and PEACE. Peace to not worry about cheating, an STD, the lies, or the threats of suicide. It was sooo much. But I was really experiencing PTSD like symptoms for several months after the breakup. I wasn’t myself. I was angry, sad, and tired. During the summer I had smoked so much weed and researched for hours about prostitution. I didn’t understand who and why. I eventually saw a wonderful LSCW who helped me understand myself and reshape my doubts about not being good enough. There would be times I would dissociate when I was reminded of him and had nightmares even. Sometimes I just wished things were different. But I don’t want to live a life of misery and disfunction. What is most important to me now is my safety and joy.
One thing that's been upsetting is that when I tried talking to two therapists about this, they acted like I couldn't really be upset about a relationship from 15 years ago, that feeling traumatized by it must mean I have a problem with my spouse. I explained I'd feel traumatized by my old breakup regardless of my current marital status. Hadn't thought of the ex in a long time, but a recent trigger brought him up again and all of the pain of the breakup. It's validating to hear Dr. Grande say he's treated many clients who still feel hurt from previous rejections. I don't know why the two therapists I've seen acted like this was unusual.
..and you by moving 4 h away you did nothing wrong…
You inspire so much curiosity in me, which has inspired a new sense of hope in me. Thank you
Beautifully explained. Easily understood in layman's terms. Thank you once again.
The very first thing we need to learn about relationship strategies is , how to disengage from something that doesn't work .
Shattering, when you don't see the train coming...I have scars.
Ive been rejected my whole life
Join the club
I have always been afraid of getting rejected. And sometimes I was. But I decided to work on that feeling and on my dependence.
Learning to love myself independently from how other view me or treat me.
Why?
@Nathan unknown 😂😂😂
same feels bad man
Well after being married to a very manipulative man for 32 years I worked up the nerve to walk away from the terror. It was horrible for both of us. Me because I knew I had lost my personality and direction. Bad for him because he didn’t want to be alone and thought I would just stay the course.
I have trouble trusting men now and have dated just a little. Of course after being broken and not young anymore it’s very different than dating as a 20 year old. I feel I’ve become unapproachable although I’m super friendly with everyone.
as painful as rejection is it’s worse to be with someone who dislikes u
No matter what kind of personality a person has who is doing the rejecting a sure way to get them to reject you soon after you start interacting with them is to have a set of biases about who they are while at the same time trying to manipulate them into having any romantic feelings about them. Another sure way to encourage someone to reject you by being cold or whatever is to in Maya Angelou's own words: Be impulsive while offering them your shirt while you are naked. A person who is narcissistic is in a sense able to reject a person while they are manipulating that person to believe that they are being liked or accepted by them when in fact the narcissist is only trying to get another source of narcissistic supply. Once you have been rejected by a narcissist like that they are easier to spot and so when spotting them the narcissist can be rejected before being accepted as the narcissist's imagined best 'ideal' supply. No guarantee of course that you will not be ever again be confronted by more narcissists. Like when a few narcissists show up at church to shock everyone there.
This is another great video with a comprehensive analysis. It definitely gave me some things to reflect on. Dr. Grande Thank you for presenting in such a logical, clear and thorough manner. You make me want to go back to school right now.
When the calls were fewer or his emotional state was wayyyy over the top when he did call, I suspected a new romance in the wings so I disconnected by saying we were not compatible. I was right on both accounts. He had reconnected with a former lover - the one I was subbing for.
That's a lot of words for telling me that i will be alone forever. At least now we know why
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I just was out of control
I’ll always sing Chantilly Lace and if they don’t like it I know it’s just not gonna work...
"Ya gotta leave before you get left"
I 100% agree with Dr. Grande here. Rejection is a great time for personal development Not everyone feels this way,. I wouldn't have a problem moving on if someone rejected me. Having a full life alone doesn't bother me. Also, Chances are. There are also more compatible people to meet in life if the concept of being with someone outweighs being alone. "The one," during the beginning/lovey-dovey is a dangerous concept because it doesn't allow a person to move on if the relationship fails. It's a red flag to me.
I’ve been the rejector in my few relationships over the years. I think it’s because rejection is so painful ii want to avoid it, but at the same time, I wait until the situation seems impossible to work out and not wanting to hurt the other person it becomes a prolonged breakup.
I have Noticed that years later I feel that the break up was hasty.
with polyamorous relationships becoming a thing (though not seemingly widespread) maybe those other four relationships won't end in rejection, but everyone moving in together!
So true that time does not heal. One learns to grow despite this.
This is great for avoiding pain
Could you do a video on old flames 🔥? When old flames keep coming back or come back, what are the chances for long term relationship or marriage sustainability?
If they are a narcissist..not very likely. It is common for them to recycle old flames, sometimes many years later.
Cindy Robertson thanks for your input! 🙂
I feel that if they return due to a mutual deep, significant love
and both people have evolved in positive directions, then there is chance of the relationship working.
If these criteria are not present, the same old issues will surface in time and the relationship will be over once again.
cbeautifulworld11 I agree with you. I think sometimes people break up when they are very young (teens and very early 20s) due to immaturity or for reasons outside their control like the parents make them break up, one goes off to serve country and life pulls them apart, etc. I think if those reasons are no longer an issue, they have both matured and the interest/love never went, then it could last.
There are couples who break up and get back together because one is a selfish manipulator who needs to control and be adored and the other is a romantic fantasist.
Really interesting when one part wants to manipulate the other part in to doing the rejection. I was subject to this at my workplace. It was horrible to go through.
Funny you say that. I'm actually in the process of manipulating my employer to sack me.
I hate the job, i hate the company and everything it represents, it doesn't stimulate me intellectually, my bosses aren't field professionals just owner family connections and there is so much more cons for me working at this place than pros. There aren't actually any pros to be there.
Quitting without a new job is not an option due to financial ramifications but sack would give me freedom to look for another job and possibility for tribunal case.
Good video on rejection. Insightful.
It’s true: relationships are bound to break up. Even if there’s no rejection involved, one partner can leave the relationship by dying, too. I’ve noticed that Ive gone through similar grief at the loss of my partner through divorce that my widowed mother went through after the death of my father.
I also felt a lot of anger that I’m not sure she experienced. Both of us miss our partners and feel some loneliness.
Death is different I lost my husband 2008 heck na way way different that person was my soul mate the devil 😈 still in these humans 🙏🏽🙌💥💯
But one time I actually almost had a relationship.
Almost, because that girl loved my awesome personality… which wasn't even present in me.
She even asked me out herself, obviously I happily accepted, because I liked her.
And she was ok to keep going, but she was usually very upset and sometimes even angry because I wasn't demonstrating a manlike behaviour, she seeked and I wasn't also demonstrating a strong interest in sex part either. I just couldn't stand it and after painful months I dumped her, she immediately started dating her friend, with who she talked a lot about us. They are together to this day (its few years now).
Its not like I am not interested in sex, I just don't know how to react (I was and am a virgin) and also have some mental issues on behalf of self-esteem. It was actually a miracle, I thought, that I attracted someone.
Simply the thing that attracted her, wasn't me, but her version of myself.
Now I feel kinda sad, because I could continue to endure it and have someone else in my life. From that time I am continuously alone.
Love this man!
Another great video. Thanks😊
Could you do a series on the different personality types? I think that would be so interesting!
You are my favorite psychologist and I hope this finds you well ❤️
Dr. Grande!!!!!!!! Lol don’t reject me💔
The good doctor ❤ you. Nice man
He is a GEM
No wonder animal companionship has increased exponentially over the years.. Faithful pets 😇
This has been most helpful. Thank you Doctor Grande.
I love your videos Dr grande !!! You are very intelligent and well spoken!
Dr Grande;
Do you think you could do an analysis of Teddy Kennedy and the death of the Kennedy campaign intern at Chappaquittick ???? Mary Jo Kopeckne? And , More specifically, how he and his staff members lied and covered up; failed to report accident which M.E. Stated resulted in her death (she didn’t die by drowning but suffocation) hours later..... and how they manipulated Mary Jo’s devout Catholic parents into NOT requesting an autopsy by sending a Catholic priest to their house, encouraging them to not pursue the autopsy.
How did Ted Kennedy get away with murder and remain as Senator of MA for so many years ?????
You're a good teacher, and I enjoy your videos.
Dang. TH-cam is spot on again bringing me your message right now. This describes the 2 major relationships in my life. So bizarre how you are able to communicate this so precisely. It was almost instantaneously after I hung up the phone with #2 RE: my distress about the “change” and have I been rejected. OMGs.
This topic goes back to my childhood and persists today. I have never heard anyone speak of it this way but the timing is right. Dang! I have several mins to go. Thanks 👍
WOW
There is always the chance of rejection. What are the signs the rejected are lunatics? When do the rejected turn into, if I can't have you no-one can. Why can't we get back together? To the point where it becomes stalking?
Dr. Grande certainly won't reject you, if you join him and his community on patreon. This friendly guy and 19 adorable patrons will welcome you to share with him the more sensitive topics, reflections, personal stories, behind the scene videos and much more.🎉 Esp. the former topics are often rejected by the exceedingly draconian algorithyms of a quite domineering god called TH-cam. 🤬
So: "You don't have to be rich, to be my girl (boy) ... I just want your extra time and your... " (Prince) no, not 💋 , but a very small amount of money for this hard working professor, who explains everything so well.
If you want to be number 20, just click on the last link in the description box and the world will become a litle bit more just. Have a great day. 😊
I'd love to join, but with limited spare finances any contribution would be embarrassingly low and not commensurate to what I'd rate his worth.I'll look though.
Take a look money aside
It depends how a rejection was handled as to how damaging it will be and for how long. My friend was dumped by text after a year long relationship when they had made plans for my friend to move to her bfs city and into his newly built home. She had bought a whole houseful of furniture for his new house, as per their agreement, and the furniture was in a warehouse waiting to be shipped when she got the text. He wouldn't give her a real reason and she was devastated. She was self employed in real estate and had made arrangements to close hr local office and to lease a new one in his city, with new staff..........so it turned her whole world upside down - she had let her local employees go, given notice on her rented house.......The bf refused to meet her in person and talk about it (she told a friend on the phone) and within an hour of him refusing to see her in person she had taken her own life.
What was his reaction to her death?
@@KiwiBlush he was arrogant enough to turn up to her funeral where her teenage nephew went ballistic and kicked him out.
Sometimes too, it's a little too late.
Number 11 is exactly what just happened to me. Thank you for the insight
both partners need to remain with equal smv. if the relationship of the two levels changes at all, the person with higher market place value will have already lined up new supply and will move on very quickly and with only fake remorse. Be safe, only date down.
but again, I was married and in a decade long relationship with a narcissist who has a horribly traumatic past along with her eight sisters. So who am I to say? All I know is what I’ve experienced and what you can literally see if you just open your eyes. Like clockwork it all comes down to sexual market place value.
One of my rejections was a so nice I almost thought, really? I figured, go with it. "I deserve better," I do lol.