Why Splitting on Your Partner Is Actually More Painful Than You Think
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ธ.ค. 2022
- Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
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If you're struggling in your relationship, this video is for you. I'll share with you the why and the how of splitting, and explain the concepts of BPD and Dr. Fox. I hope that by the end of this video, you'll have a better understanding of why splitting can be so difficult and painful.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
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For the people in the comments, we may have different symptoms, experiences and reasons for why we developed BPD. But the fact that you are here trying to work on yourself and become a better person for yourself and others speaks volume. I wish you all the best on your journey, know that you're not alone even when things are at its darkest and that you are valuable. I believe we all can beat this!
❤
Yeah yeah but a bpd will always be a bpd until after 8 years of therapy. Don’t congratulate yourselves just yet. 🤮
@@sirrantsalott a troll will always be a troll.
@@zosoart touché 💐
Thank you, man
I was in a seven month relationship with someone with BPD and it was definitely a roller coaster ride. Being in the helping field myself, I felt guilty about reacting to things “I should know better” (here I go with should statements) about when it was clearly her splitting. Having some time apart made me realize that dating someone with mental health concerns, it is not solely up to me to make it work as she didn’t seek help when she knew what was wrong.
I don’t wish anything but good her direction because when things were good, she was probably the most loving person I’ve ever dated. People with this condition aren’t monsters and most definitely aren’t having fun treating people the way they do.
And of course even if you can find help with the 7% of therapists that are available in proportion to those needing one, how many know BPD, and how many are good at treating it? I have very mixed feelings about self help and peer based support systems that may over simplify things and may make people feel like they're doing something when there's a more direct route and a lot has already been figured out, whereas the premise of their community may be a rather shallow kind of healing myth. (said in recognition that a healing myth can work, learned that from a video with Lois Choi-Kain at Borderlinernotes)
I totally understand this. I’m working towards my LPC and was in a relationship with a petulant BPD person who ended up emotionally abusing me a lot. I connected him to a therapist and psychologist who diagnosed him and I helped him as much as I could. I thought that all the knowledge I had would make a difference and it didn’t, so that left me questioning if I would even be a good therapist. At the same time, he could be very loving. We were on and off for over 2 years. I ultimately couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety. It was one of the most painful romantic relationships I’ve experienced.
Thank you. From someone with borderline who utilizes the internet to connect with other people with BPD, it is so painful when I come across posts from just the partners of pwBPD, and their stories are terrible and heartbreaking, but it cuts even deeper knowing I myself have done some of the same things to my partner. And even though it's hard to read, it's still important to know, to acknowledge and accept what they've gone thru. What's worse though, and completely unnecessary, is when their b#*ch fests refer to us, or their exes, as the devil or demons or psychos. Or any derogatory name. In fact, the first day I knew what I had and became aware, I came across such a post and in the state of mind I was in at the time, if I wasn't such a coward, I wouldn't still be here, just one stupid post from one insensitive and clueless person dragged me that much further down. It makes me worried for others, the younger ones or those less seasoned in mental health issues, how it could effect them. So I appreciate you for being an ex partner, being able to talk about how hard it was but not demonize pwBPD, treated or not, in order to do so. ❤❤❤
I only wish my past favorite person was referring to me this way. I adore them immensely. We would somehow hold each other back, for as good as we were together. We became so codependent it wasn’t healthy. I walked away to allow us both to thrive.
I myself am in the healthcare field. I have too much empathy. I love too hard. 😢it’s a curse.
@askew9976 There is no such thing as loving too hard, but there is loving the wrong person too hard. There's someone out there who loves just as hard as you, and they've been waiting for you to walk into their life. Love is a blessing. Don't ever change.
What’s hard is knowing you are splitting, having the ability recognize it and the reasons behind it but not being able to stop the emotion. I hate having all the tools available to comprehend myself but being able to totally separate the logic from the feeling. I wish I was able to make the feeling go away.
It takes work and self-monitoring. Keep an eye out for those extremes.
This exactly this!! It's like watching yourself while being outside yourself and unable to do anything because the emotional feeling is overpowering your logic and reason.
same but now that im on medication (mood stabilizer, yes for bpd) I CAN ACTUALLY HELP MYSELF AND APPLY COPING MECHANISMS 🥳. I know the feeling though.
my psychiatrist told me that it is impossible to help myself without medication due to how strong my emotional reactions are because of my brain chemistry shutting down my logical brain mind. just like you, I know I have the tools but am unable to use them without medication due to how strong my reactions are. meds only help slow down my reaction. I have to actively try to change my way of thinking, applying cope skills, etc.when im triggered. meds dont magically cure you no, they only help 50% of the time. the other 50 % comes from you :P.
look up overactive amygdala . I know it's frustrating, try to see a psychiatrist. If you can't, then try to complete remove yourself from the trigger to calm down if possible.
Advocate for yourself and struggles to mental health providers.It takes ALOT of REPETITION to create new neurological pathways of a creation of a healthy reaction to whatever. you have to do ALOT of unlearning. good luck
Absolutely !
Dude. Same here, it’s really been weighing on me lately.
I split when people don’t appreciate when I make an effort-then I feel defeated like there’s no use in trying.
The problem is you are not hearing how to effort more efficiently. We are talking about it and you deny listening. If you really want to succeed, you have to listen from the people they fixed it how to do some things better. So, in some cases doubting the effort is because someone is really helping and you deny it. So they feel like its an "effort" mask in order to stay maladaptive. In my case I pushed away people I love- not anymore- because I did not want them to get hurt. I reached them only when I made sure I solved the equision. But if someone was actually a knowledgeable person I would rather stay to listen. So, it became my choice.
@@nuclearance22efforts should be appreciated no matter how small they are. What's this "effort more efficiently" bs? No sense made
I think I split when I get excited to share something with my partner and they don't share the same enthusiasm or just plane don't want to. It's like why did I get so excited to share this with you. You clearly don't want me....
@@ru213 it's one of the things that happen to me too! What helps so much for me is find alternatives, like instead of sinking into feeling like they don't appreciate me and turn it personal, I try to be more empathetic and understand that it's not about me,.maybe they have something on their mind, and ask them if something is wrong, very kindly, so the assumptions I make in my head don't swallow me completely. We got this, it's not all lost! Hope you have a wonderful day 💖
@@ru213 yes, I feel rejected too, and get upset over it. but that’s actually a projection, right? projecting a motive into another person that you don’t know is the case.
I read the title as “Why *spitting* on your partner is more painful than you’d think”
Haha well that can be fun aswell :D
That would be pretty painful, especially if that partner ate a red pepper beforehand.
Me too eh 😅
I wish my partner would come across these videos. I want to share them with her, but I've learned the hard way not to point out things. We're stuck in this cycle. She's in therapy, but that seems to be starting even more problems. Her therapist doesn't see the things I see, only what she lets her see in those short sessions.
Ask her to do a couples session with both you and her seeing the therapist and able to talk about what happens. Also it’s good to point things out but when she’s at her calmest and you clearly explain you aren’t mad or trying to hurt her or trying to leave her but you just want to talk about some things rhat have been stuck on your mind and if she seems open to a convo after rhat then talk and if not then say ok I love you so much but maybe this conversation would be better if we talked about it a little later
@@alilih3652 I have an appointment set up, but she's back and forth, doing the hot cold thing. All I can do is show up and hope she does too. Unfortunately, she's super unaware of herself. I mean, she refers to herself as "crazy" but won't accept any real diagnosis. There's no reasoning with her when she gets into this mindset, so maybe she'll change her mind again before the appointment time
@@DanielleBaylorit is so painful loving someone that refuses help. The best thing you can do is step back, realize the ball is in their court, support them where you can, but don’t keep sacrificing your own needs. Sometimes that means taking a break sometimes not. Try to remember your feelings are just as important though and if you’re really unhappy weigh the cons it might be time to let them go for your own sake ❤ much love
if being with her is draining you, please leave. if she doesnt tell the truth to the therapist ... how the true change will happen.
@@DanielleBaylor i had a friend with BPD - after 10 years of therapy she still do all BPD things - crazy black &white thinking, extreme splitting after minor things, extreme manipulativeness with no empathy, want to divorce her husband, thinks he is bad. I have no idea how [ainful it is to be with such person
It’s been for sure the worst relationship in my life. Being this someone’s fp. And that’s a horribly sad thing to say. Because it’s been with an otherwise beautiful person. But it’s been horribly prolonged, traumatising and damaging. And there’s no resolve in sight, only probable worsening or further trauma. I struggle to remember good times or have joy contemplating on possibility of further good times. Or contemplate any future with them, without dread or anxiety. I think the fact that i was born to parents having that kind of relationship, if not both having high undiagnosed levels of bpd/bipolar/adhd, broke and distorted me in ways i never fully realised, and made me much more vulnerable, susceptible and sensitive to relationships like this. Because now that I’m discovering all of this I’m also discovering I’ve had these relationships before. And i must change things, one way or another, better or worse, can’t do this anymore.
Going through a breakup because he thinks I’m hateful
All I’ve done over the years is bring up concerns and express issues or times he’s hurt me
He thinks I’m the worst and he’s the worst
I’m devastated and extremely heartbroken
He can’t fathom that a person can have wonderful qualities and still make mistakes
Life is truly, truly complicated... and circumstances out of our control can turn lovers into haters. Unfortunately none of us can actually see things outside of our perspective, no matter how close we are to each other. So as hard as it is, let it be and let's just give it up to fate. I hope that you are healing and get better everyday.
If I were him I’d run for the hills. Oh wait, I am him.
@@stevebennett2396 what
same here man. i'm sorry but i am not putting up with that shit @@stevebennett2396
@@stevebennett2396😂😂😂
I do this a lot with everyone in my life and it's hard to manage sometimes. I've learnt how to talk myself out of it at times because splitting teamed with impulsivity leads to me blocking and unblocking or feeling like my friends don't really like me and I should distance myself.
I've done this all my life and never knew there was a name for it or that it wasn't something everybody did. I've learned so much.
Thank you, I get frustrated with myself for getting emotional, but I feel intensely. I struggle to trust but know why. Your videos content, approach, tone and considerate articulation is therapy in itself.
I just have to say thank you so much for saying BPD is easily treated! I was told most therapists see us as hopeless incurable patients and that most refuse to treat us! I thought this was a life sentence to live in pain. You have given me hope, thank you so much!
I also heard and read that between the age of 25-30 some people stop having symptoms. maybe Google will show real sources for it, I've heard from people themselves about it too
@@nalalag19 🙏🩷
@nalalag19 this is not true. It gets worse if you don't treat it. Ive been in groups with others who are in their 50s/60s and got worse with age. Only treatment and therapy helps
I would suggest CAT therapy. Only becoming self aware makes bpd manageable. It never goes away but the fear of abandonment and chaotic behaviours can go away. I did 15 years in therapy and I'm no longer impulsive and I'm no longer scared of losing people. It's doable. The emotions are still crazy strong, but I sit in them now instead of trying to run away from them with destructive behaviours
This will be perfect for sharing in the BPD subreddit. So many people ask why they are so on and off with their partners. Thanks!
I understand that... It's also no matter what when people see a person they want, but don't have the ability to love & care for that person, but they still try to keep them...
Like a man who sees a beautiful crop & buys the farm, but doesn't care for it at all, then they are pissed off and agitated when the farm fails and dies... The farm can only produce when the farmer manages & nurtures it. He then is not a farmer, but simply a lustful and envious man! Jealous of what others have because he will never put in the work to have what he desires...
My boyfriends ex wife broke into his house in the middle of the night while I was sleeping and attacked me and him, I woke up with blood all over my face and never got over it, I had trauma before this but never “split” on someone before this event happened. I blame him and I also despise him sometimes for even being with a woman like that so I “split” and see him as a different person and then come back to the man that I know and love, currently in therapy. Hate hurting him, why can’t the “splitting” behavior just stop???
I think that you’ve identified certainly the root, which is the trauma of the attack, but also it could’ve been linked to earlier trauma as well. I am so sorry to hear that this happened and I wish you all the best.
I appreciate the time you take to help us/others
This was so well put! You are truly a hero to us. Thank you DR!
This made me cry. These are big questions I’ve never thought to ask myself. And why. Thank you
Thank you for your videos and kind words!!!! You help me a lot and give me a lot hope when I feel I'll never get out of this hole, because it's hard to remember by ourselves that it gets better. Thank you once more!!!
Splitting happens for me when someone hurts me (such as cheating on me). When I was untreated, my fear of abandonment was so severe that I would stay and split on someone rather than be healthy and walk away. I would stay in abusive situations because I didn't want to leave them or them leave me. I did 15 years in therapy, now I have healthy boundaries and because of that I split alot less because I walk away instead now if someone does something to betray me or abuse me
Thank you Dr. Fox this is awesome especially this time of the year. Early Merry Christmas.
Thank you for giving so much information for us to access at the touch of a button, these videos are especially helpful when im unable to see my therapist or needing a recap on a topic. My therapy is 12 sessions then I go back on the wait list for a few months as we dont have many therapists in my city so being able to feel supported, encouraged and guided by someone who has put so much time and research into bpd is life changing. Whenever I feel stuck or like ive hit a low and im not going to get out I come to your videos to find the most relevant videos to my situation and it really helps encourage me to get back up. Thank you for all your hard work its more than appreciated :)
I wish I only would have BPD. But it's a combination of different personality disorders, including BPD, a cPtsd, severe depression, agoraphobia and social anxiety. I feel Like for each of this diagnosis I need a good treatment, because it's so hard to live with it. I don't know where to start and when to get better. 16 years of therapy and still struggling a lot.
I feel this...but please don't give up as you are most important. Use any ressource you can and that works in some way. Wishing you all the best.
One thing I know is when you are not sure where to begin, you start with one. One thing at a time. There is no right order. Kind of like cleaning a cluttered room. You dismantle it one thing at a time. I wish you peace and a profound understanding that you are not/never alone.
@@ladybird131 it makes sense to know, which disease to treat first. I thought BPD as being the root of all them, but now my therapist showed up with the specialized treatment for personality disorders. I just hope they also help me with the rest.
BPD is the personality disorder with the highest likelihood of having other mental issues, mainly complex PTSD, depression and anxiety.
I myself began with early and prolonged trauma that caused me to develop severe and constant anxiety, which I was embarrassed about and tried to hide. I also tended to hide most of my "negative feelings" (aka, feelings that would show I had needs) as I found them embarrassing too, and then I developed OCD at age 7 as a way to try to control that anxiety. I then first displayed signs of BPD at age 16 (which again, I hid), and finally at about age 32 I started feeling depressed. Now, at age 44, I realise I have CPTSD from the trauma that began at age 4 plus several other prolonged unrelated traumas.
The chronic emptiness and lack of interest and pleasure in anything is very hard. My explosive splitting is not a problem most of the time as I don't have a FP and they are the only people I ever show my full self to and split on.
I honestly don't think I'll ever be ok. I cannot separate the traumatised parts of me with ME. It's ALL me. I don't remember not feeling anxious.
Try emdr
Thank you Dr Fox. Could you do a video on strategies for getting our loved ones with bpd, to get help. I am 100% all in helping but, if he doesnt think he needs help, its frustrating. He knows something is wrong, and I honestly think he is extremely anxious about what he will hear.
I have a video on this. Check my BPD relationships playlist.
I definitely needed this today...thank you so much
This is super helpful ❤️ thank you!
Thanks for sharing this. It helps me understand my daughter who has been recently diagnosed with BPD. It gives me a better perspective on things.
Glad it was helpful!
I wasn't sure if you were gonna talk re: ghosting or the defense mechanism. Splitting involves a narrative which needs to be checked out. Those who use splitting and the degree you use it can cause a decrease in reality testing.Reduction in judgment ; negative views of self, other, the world. Situations in which you split is very important. Not it's horrible ; it's difficult and won't last forever. Also if your prone to splitting in situations focus on the environment say red or colorful thing around you and count them.
Recognize it's a trauma response and your not terrible; the world isn't terrible but difficult. Use techniques you have learned like dbt. It's the belief that causes the story you tell yourself and there could be other reasons for someone acting a certain way. Action- belief- consequence to quote Ellis.
Best therapist in the game!!! 👏👏👏
The power of our words. Thank you Doc
Your videos are so helpful, Dr. Fox! My partner and I both have cPTSD from past traumatic and abusive relationship. cPTSD shares a lot of traits and symptoms with BPD. It’s hard to find good help for cPTSD symptoms, so I find your videos so insightful and helpful. Thank you so much. I don’t feel like such a crazy person now.
Have you heard of the Crappy Childhood Fairy? That channel is based in managing symptoms of CPTSD.
@@dreamgirl1111 I have! Thank you! I love that channel too. ❤️
Just listening to this video gives me anxiety right now because I am not in a good place currently. So weird...Need to come back to this because Dr. Fox's Videos are so helpful. And I know it will...just need time to calm down.
I enjoy so much the emphasis you do on the optimistic parts, it always feels so good hearing them. I never managed to keep a romantic relationship with the split/favorite person, never worked for me but I managed to have a healthy romantic relationship with a none split/favorite person. I don't know if it's possible to have a stable romantic relationship with a split/favorite person unless he or she gets out of being a hate/love object and I managed to do that with emotional distancing and keeping the person in some distanced friend zone until the splitting loses its colors. The hardest part is controlling the anger and love that flames like crazy.
From your videos, I understood that I need to work on my core to reduce surface consequences such as anxiety or splitting but for me, I feel I get blinded during anxiety or splitting. I don't see or feel stuff correctly. It is like some sort of certain thoughts which comes from an illusion behind a foggy cloudy brain. So I cannot access my core during handling anxiety or splitting. I don't know what is the best way to reach my core during those times asking my self questions doesn't remove the clouds and intensity of emotions.
I understand that... It's also no matter what when people see a person they want, but don't have the ability to love & care for that person, but they still try to keep them...
Like a man who sees a beautiful crop & buys the farm, but doesn't care for it at all, then they are pissed off and agitated when the farm fails and dies... The farm can only produce when the farmer manages & nurtures it. He then is not a farmer, but simply a lustful and envious man! Jealous of what others have because he will never put in the work to have what he desires...
** male or female "farmer"
@@Mor2gain_760 yes yes that not caring part is also very important. I have a followup question on the farmer story. I thought the beautiful crop would make the farmer work better. Hmm I m not fully sure about the lustful part. Why do you say the farmer cannot work, did you experience the same?
I m about to say some weird stuff but I think the lust works like having a god around make a person work harder and easier. I don't know I sometimes feel these feelings are connected to old stuff like praying to a shinny object.
@@parastoomojabi6341
Yea, that why most relationships fail, bedbugs people think they don't have to do anything for it to stay beautiful...
In my story it's about a man who is not a farmer buying land and not understanding what it means to be a farmer, a good farmer...
Not quite sure I'm understanding your meaning on the lust part... ?
@@Mor2gain_760 ahhh sorry my English was not good enough to understand you. Now I am following. My previous answer was not relevant :D
It is interesting for me that you mapped a human with a farm.. it is kind of cute :) Farming is such hard work I hope relationships need less effort.
Oh so helpful , once again, thanks 😊 so much Doctor Fox. 🙏🙏🙏
Glad it was helpful!
Thank You Very Much for your information helping to be a bit more even tempered.
Almost seventy and finally learning this important things that help with the simple stuff like grocery shopping and bill paying and just trying to fit in with the group of people surrounding self.
Thank you again.
Happy Holidays to you Dr. Fox
Same to you!
These pop up right when I need them, it's uncanny!!
I realize I do this with more than just my boyfriend. Thank you! I always appreciate your videos!
For me the worst is when I split on myself.
Thank you for always posting what I need!
I'm still using your workbooks. I just booked a new therapist season and am hoping to get back on my medication.
I am trying really hard to be better in my relationships, and I know mental illness isn't an excuse for inappropriate behavior. I still can't seem to control myself all the time and I don't know how to properly express that.
@@jamiecollins5012 it’s The Borderline Personality Workbook, by Dr. Daniel Fox
@@jamiecollins5012 it explains and teaches recognitions and techniques to cope with BPD. I ordered the first to study because of my vol ital sister. She has been like this since she was a child and she is 55 and is living with my husband and I. I recommend the book and will be ordering the second one too.
Dr. Fox…do you see patients at all? Your a breath of fresh air in the forensics of psychology. I don’t need to see you but my sister needs help. She’s on medication but it’s not working.
The work book is amazing
Stop, think, access the situation and consider the consequences. Breathe, engage in a positive cordial manner.
Stay strong.
I do love how you always remind us BPD is the most treatable personality disorder, and we are here because we care
My husband of 12 years has split on me. I was worshipped for 12 years and all of a sudden over one silly fight, he left served me with divorce papers and the anger is so scary. I am devastated.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to open up about such a difficult situation.
The same thing has happened to me a month ago.
I have done this to my children I’m heartbroken because I’m only just learning a lot more and now it’s too late they no longer want a relationship with me because I wasn’t nice with my words. During episodes I’m lost and have felt so low that I don’t feel I have any reason to stay here for it’s a dark road and no support is real tough I send love to all my other suffer and supporters we appreciate you we just don’t know how to say it ❤
@@nattmannym14 I pray for you. That's why we have forgiveness. We all are fallen and broken. Forgive yourself so you can be here and help your children.
@@gloriatucker9796 thank you so much Iam continuing to stay strong the uk isn’t the best for help with bpd so it’s a constant struggle but some how the strength comes in when needed my daughters father has alienated me even tho I have parental custody by court order he hasn’t let me see her in 13 months she’s now 13 but I’m financially struggling now and can’t afford the court and solicitor fees to fight but he says I’m emotionally abusing her because of my illness and the environment isn’t right but we have a beautiful home with food and animals we all love hot tub big garden etc and we have LOVE and everyday it was said and shown to each other so now all of a sudden my daughter says she no longer wants contact with me now and in the future and to leave her alone and her dad sent me that by email how much more gaslighting can you do some one 😔x
I never realised how painful it was to have a person split on you until I met another person with BPD I got close with. It really hurt having the same things done to me that I had done to others. I'm a lot more understanding when people ultimately say that they can't be with me anymore. I've spent years working on my splitting and still even now I realise I'm very black and white. I just wish I could see the truth in the situation and not feel so strongly.
It's tough when you experience similar situations from the other side. Keep working on yourself, growth is a process.
Please speak on splitting on yourself!! Your videos are amazing, thank you
Great video. Nuts & Bolts, Nitty Gritty, Day-to-Day important concept for we who desire relationship with another person. Thanks!
I'm sick with covid right now and going through all your videos. You've given me more insights than my therapist in two years. Yet I feel overwhelmed and sad. I'm 42 years old and will I ever be sane. My hardest symptoms are emptiness and severe abandonment issues with my partner. We live in a long distance relationship so that doesn't help. It's really triggering in fact.
I have four kids and I can see them grow up, chores for me getting less and less. What will I be when they're gone? I will be all empty again. I find my self counting the years till my youngest is grown so I can erase myself.
49-year-old man with BDP and two twin sons Who are 12 going on 13, I I’ve been thinking about all of the ‘last times’ as we go and as they get older, The last time we ever went to the arcade together, the last time we ever played soccer in the field together, etc. etc. I think of when they turn 18 and they go to college or university, I won’t be the most important person in their life and I’m fine with that because they are growing, I wish I could keep them with me so they could fill a void for me but unfortunately that’s not their path
Those are common core content issues. I want to encourage you to do the work now and build that sense of self so when they leave you can find other things to give you a sense of fulfillment. I wish you well.
@@Desmondbrown73your last sentence. I don't cling to my children nor to I want to tie them to me. I'm just so scared of the void to come.
@@Desmondbrown73 I do not want to diminish your feelings at all, as my daughter left 23 years ago, so I do understand. It’s strange how when this happens to “women”, you’re called an empty nester. It is as little birds begin to fly and leave the nest. I do not know if there is a phrase for men or if it is the same. The point is, you must remember you did the best you could and your sending them out in the world to become ready on their own. I wish you well, and it can take awhile but usually you finally have time to find yourself. I have BPD also, it was hard for me my empty nest time. I did make it through to the other side though. ❤️
Covid? It still exist? Oh please..
Thanks, Dr. Fox.
Excellent reframe!
Thank You for giving us tips and hope❤
My pleasure 😊
Needed this
It’s so draining…
I just want to sleep for the rest of my life…
This is a common thought when feeling overwhelmed. I wish you well.
With more therapy individuals with bpd and even those without that split will have more awareness of it happening. The challenge with bpd is sometimes they hate themselves even more after finding this out but don't hate yourself, you'll get better
I am happy, you are only person on earth which can understand me so deeply and give me hope to be a better version of myself thanks dr Fox
I’m glad you find my material helpful and I wish you all the best.
Great info, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
As someone who was married to another who very likely has BPD, it really is painful to be on the receiving side of this. It’s actually spousal abuse.
Anyone who has these experiences needs to seek help for handling the behaviour, especially the person who has the condition.
And please make amends for how wrong it is to do this to the other, seeking forgiveness for bad behaviour will go a long ways to helping those victims cope with past and future abuse from splitting.
As you are in pain and a victim of BPD, which I am sorry for, you need to recognize this is not something the pwBPD "does" to you - imagine your emotions literally being so strong and off that you are prompted you to behave like this. If you it was you, you wouldn't be able to control it either - of course, unless you are aware you have BPD and seek treatment for it.
"you need to recognize this is not something the pwBPD "does" to you"
Yes it is
"you are prompted you to behave like this"
No one is PROMPTED to act in any certain way. No one is standing there with a gun forcing you to say or do any particular thing. Behavior is a choice. You don't choose your feelings, but you DO choose your actions.
Leave people who abuse you. FULLSTOP. BPDs will stomp at your healthy mental disposition BUT of course it’s not their fault- NOT worth it
How do I do it if he thinks therapy is stupid and won't work? I also don't want to accuse him of having bpd
@@basewho5230 never accuse someone of having BPD, they need to be diagnosed by a professional.
Document things as they happen to keep a record. Action/reaction date it happened. If you need therapy to deal with the effects go ahead.
Ideally you would get couples therapy, and let the therapist figure out what the issue is. Records of what you recorded can help paint a history of behavior.
If they aren’t willing to get therapy then you either cope with it or wait for it to blow up. It always blows up when they don’t seek treatment.
If you’re not married and don’t have kids together … it’s probably best to move on. They will never be without BPD. And if they won’t even work on it … not being married to them or having kids …. Why would you stick around.
If you are married and do have kids … you have to ask them to do their part in the honour and cherish part. Otherwise you will have to protect yourself by leaving them.
I find it hard to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend. I get really scared when I can't see his face and I don't know what he is thinking. I start believing that he is thinking about leaving me. When I wake up everything is okay again but it is quite hard to fall asleep and it feels like he is really leaving me (that's how much i start to believe my thoughts). I can't stop myself from asking him what he is thinking almost every minute while he is trying to sleep, understandably he does get quite irritated by this, it also doesn't help me and most of the time gets me even more scared. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this. And does anyone else experience this?
(Sorry if my English is bad. I hope you can still understand what I am trying to say)
Omg I know exactly what you're talking about! I get extremely anxious when my partner is just silent minding his own stuff. Even reading upsets me. When we go to sleep and he turns his back on me I freak out. One thing we have established is good night routine as I got so disturbed when he fell asleep before me. Talk to him what's going on inside you and try to explain as good as you can. Make sure he doesn't get anything as reproachful or that he does anything wrong. Try to establish a good night routine that can make you feel safe, like falling to sleep tightly hugged.
(Non native speaker as well)
@@caddieohm7059 you both sound great! I struggle w this too & your tips are very helpful. Thank you
@James L. Meyers you are a very dark person to see people receiving love & not enjoying that. I know you’re only as lonely as you think
@@2okaycola - the condition is dark, you'd have to be really dark and toxic inside to drill that into someone who is being vulnerable about what they're going through with their illness.
Got it. Catch the extremes and respond moderately. 👍🏻
I don't know about anyone else, but I always find my mind wandering when watching these and any other videos, then I can't remember what they were talking about, this applies to things that I read too, I can't remember what I read, and it's so important to me.
You have to work so hard. Yeah, i get it.
Specially when you are a 100% sure that he is not the right guy for you.. but the desperate need to avoid abandonment makes us settle and suffer for any loser out there.. I hate being myself
How I got stuck in a 17 years marriage. Be careful.
I understand that... It's also no matter what when people see a person they want, but don't have the ability to love & care for that person, but they still try to keep them...
Like a man who sees a beautiful crop & buys the farm, but doesn't care for it at all, then they are pissed off and agitated when the farm fails and dies... The farm can only produce when the farmer manages & nurtures it. He then is not a farmer, but simply a lustful and envious man! Jealous of what others have because he will never put in the work to have what he desires...
Maybe you're the "any old loser, then"
This is on you and calling people losers because you’re too scared to leave them makes you a loser too and is some massive poosy sh*t. You need to understand this problem is your problem. Bpd sucks but man what a narcissistic thing to say. Go split offline pls.
@@pikkallo6013 hello! Do you understand English? I just tried to say that we bpd don’t have much criteria when finding love because they need it so desperately
a loved one of mine has bpd. while we were texting each other some hours ago, he split on me when i didn’t realise he was trying to indicate something important to me from him. when he was splitting, he told me that i always continuously hurt him, that i don’t care about him, and said that when i told him i would make an effort to change, i didn’t. i am certain that he was splitting because a minute ago he was extremely affectionate.
whenever he splits, a lot of what he says is similar to the previous time, this time being no exception. i struggle with how to help him during these moments because i also have a similar response each time: i apologise, try to acknowledge what he’s feeling/saying, and tell him that i am what he says i am, even though i never truly feel that way or intend so (being a liar, having no respect for him, not changing, etc), because i find that i shouldn’t fight against the statements he says. that will only make him feel worse as i am coming off as a denier. except that doing those things do not help him at all either way. he threatens himself with self harm and suicide and says that i will be the cause. and knowing how bpd works, i truly think that will happen. if i told him i was worried during those moments, he would tell me i’m making it about my own feelings instead of his.
what i had realised was that despite me knowing that i’m making an avid effort to change and understand him the way he needs me to, he accuses that i don’t try or do that. i know that a lot of what he says to me is a defense mechanism and he’s experiencing various intense emotions and that it’s overwhelming, but overtext i don’t know how exactly to accomodate for him. there’s this constant fear that he’s going cut me off and proceed to hurt himself.
the thing is that the compatibility of him having bpd and the way i am makes me incredibly worried that he’s right about me. and in a state of panic when i upset him, i have this feeling that he hates me, i’m not good enough for him, or he’s going to leave me. i try to give him space to think and forgive me because i don’t want him to feel suffocated. i’m a severely depressive person and when i’ve upset him (even without him splitting on me), i go into a depressive rut where i self harm, figure out ways to kill myself (acting upon them in some instances), and can’t bring myself to do anything other than counting how long it has been since we last talked. we both are very codependent on each other i think. there were times where he obsessed over me, and when that died down, it was me who became obsessive over him. we stopped talking for long periods of time and when we did again, i fled whenever i was anxious or when he split because i didn’t know what to do. i know he would prefer it if i texted him first, but i always think he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. this only fuels those emotions he feels.
i have always given him the choice to leave me even though i know it’d kill me. i hate that i don’t know how properly understand and help him when he’s in pain. when we stop talking, he texts me after weeks wondering where i went asking why didn’t i text him if i wanted to do so bad. i don’t think that i should be allowed to talk to him if i hurt him so much. i don’t know if i really am hurting him this much, or if it’s only what he says when he splits. i always feel the former. i just don’t know what to do.
This. This is me too.
Already being emotional myself, whenever I hurt my partner or when he splits, I often feel incapable.
Literally 90% of your statements, I feel the exact same way. I hope in some way this makes you feel less lone and it cheers you hopefully. I'm here too and also working things out and trying to be more than what he says I am when he splits.
My ex did just the same it's been 15 days since we spoke. I would remain calm and let him say what he was feeling. In the moment he does feel that way but it doesn't last long. After he'd feel really bad about it. I'd tell him it's ok. I truly would have been with him forever. I wish it never happened. Right before Christmas, New years and my birthday. My hurt is buried and seeps out everywhere I go. Had to stop myself from crying at work yesterday.
Wow. You guys love abuse. It’s called low self worth to be treated like this
U need help with childhood trauma / codependency. Lack of self love is missing from the comments. You like being treated like garbage. News flash that ain’t normal. It’s called learned from childhood to tolerate abuse and trash…
I know it’s hard but I really want to encourage anyone who is dealing with being split on to not give in to/apologize to/acquiesce to your bpd loved one. Seriously. That just reinforces the negative cycle. I have an ex with bpd and I remember explaining the rationale for our breakup to her kindly And empathetically and she said the most horrendous things to me (“I’m sorry I fell in love with you,” “I’ve had so many crises because of you” and “I tried to *unalive myself* because of you”). In the moment I didn’t know what else to say other than to apologize. I didn’t know how else to respond to the types of things she was accusing me of. But in hindsight, I regret just not walking away and blocking her after she said those things.
I know this behavior is not intentional on their part, but you don’t have to/deserve to be treated like someone’s emotional punching bag either. And apologizing doesn’t encourage accountability on their end. Their reaction to you firmly setting a boundary isn’t something you can control. When people split, they’re often not interested in having a constructive dialogue, they just want to be right and confirmed in their distortions.
Thank you so much for explaining BPD and the common issues associated. It has really helped
Splitting on a favourite person is feels like death at the minimum, but I say it's way worse. The most painful experience for a BPD probably.
Too bad. Get help. Or else you don’t deserve any person, due to the abuse factor(s) for the person without BPD.
I mean I’m sure it is a horrible feeling for you but what about your partner ? Feeling you love them one second then getting hate the next .. it’s even less fair to them , if someone isn’t stable enough with themself and their own actions/emotions they shouldn’t enter a relationship where it’s supposed to be a partnership
After 9 years she kicked me out and couldn't say bye to the cats. I couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. Try that for hell. Worst nightmare ever. Its only been a month and I feel like crying a few times a day.
@@David-nu6kw Bless your heart, bud. Keep the times ahead, with each new day, moving forward. It is the unknown but it WILL clear up. It’s the law of nature…you must confide. And believe. In better life ahead. It’s so much “little by little”. You’ll be in my thoughts. Peace now.
@@David-nu6kw I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Something similar happened to me recently as well. I can relate and sympathize with your pain.
I almost didn't watch this because I don't tend to split- but I'm glad because my partner does this with their kid especially and I sometimes worry I'll have that same "everything you do is wrong" directed at me. I find it a very disturbing thing to watch let alone experience (not with this partner but in the past I have experienced it). When someone takes away all the grey and it's black or white it stresses me since as this video explains when they flip between the two there is always a flip. In the past I've gone from being the best thing ever to the worst thing ever just by taking a bath or walk. Everyone is a little grey we all have negative aspects as well as positive we're not archetypical characters. Also it's the wiping away of all the negative even the stuff that happened an hour ago when it's a positive view of the person and the turning on anyone who tries to point out the fuller picture. "Why do you hate my child?!?" when repeating in a milder form stuff my partner has said many times. I don't hate the kid I just don't like them very much and deal with my own inner guilt because it's fairly clear the kid likes me and even seems to listen and respect me more then their actual parent.
"It's possible that I'll meet somebody that appreciates me"??? That kind of sounds like it's in support of the rash decision to throw away a relationship in this context doesn't it? How about making a distinction between not feeling appreciated and the other person actually not appreciating, like maybe they actually do appreciate them but don't express it in a way that lands with the person with BPD?? How about it's possible they just don't know enough to appreciate me and my perspective right now?? I mean WTF? And where does this clip really answer why it's more painful than you think? For who?
Very helpful thank you
Thanks for everything that you do for us dr. Fox. You might be the only guy I don’t split with even though we don’t know each other 😂
it would be interesting to hear you talk about a case where the partner/favorite person is also the person that prevents splits, or is even able (by their presence) to pull one out from the split (even if it's a split about himself), at least for the few hours they're together.
happened to me and i'm not entirely sure how to understand it, what it means exactly.
Hmm. I personally can't relate to that, because for me, as soon as I'm in love / have a Favourite Person, they are the ONLY person I ever split on. No one else. Ever.
If your FP is someone who can STOP you from splitting, may I ask is there anyone else in your life who you DO split on?
"FP" or "Favorite Person" is not a good thing to hear for a potential romantic partner of an untreated Borderline. Statistics say it never ends well because the Borderline cannot accept the fact that their unfortunate FP is inherently flawed. They make up an unrealistic fantasy in their distorted minds of the perfect parent object they never had. This person is expected to regulate them and be the center of their world, and their sense of self they lack. But do to their constant fear of abandonment and lack of object constancy (the relationship is still good despite a setback) they can quickly split their FP to black all the way bad parent object ,and the FP can go from being their angel they can't live without to Satan just like that.
@@theonlydjtopcat Yes, I'm aware of that. Despite all of this, I've been with my partner since 2001. 22 years. I'm 44 now.
I'm here trying to find out what exactly is going on with my daughters mother who I know has BPD amongst other things and I feel like understanding her disorder will help me forgive her for what's she's put me through and may also help me cope with her behavior and maybe even help her heal. After all, knowledge is power
great video
I split with my partner after she hid she was drunk and drove to get me pain medication after a big surgery. She thought she was helping me but it made me see her in a different light. It's taken 4 years to realise I split. 4 lonely painful years. Things are improving with each new piece of information I get a grasp on. Thanks Dr Fox
Indeed a challenge I have so many things to work on
You are very much needed. Wish you worked for the military we need people like you to help us. ❤
Thanks for the hope
Always!
my partner splits the second we have any disagreement and it makes dealing with anything so difficult. she is conscious that she has bpd and splits but will do it anyway. i love her and i understand it but it is so hard to be on this end of it all
I have been dealing going through the process of retraining my self but today I am struggling....... I can't get out of my head today and I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean slowly going up and down with the waves and I can see a light in the distance and with every wave it disappearsbut when I see it it looks warm and inviting and want to get there so badly but the current is pulling me away and I just can't get to it.
To every one who deals with this, be strong. Fight the fight
Ugh, I have the hardest time staying in friendships. It feels hopeless. I like people but the BPD …..
0:40 - Always, Favorite person etc.
I think Dr Fox is talking about why BPD split or deposit thoughts to aliviate stress on persons who are really attached.
I do have another question maybe someone out there can help. I had not heard about splitting before and I'm not sure that's what I do.
What I do experience is deep disappointment and sadness over my partner when I'm not sure wether that's appropriate. Like the other day he promised to bring me back chocolate from a shop. He turned back and never mentioned the chocolate, seems he has forgotten about it.
My disappointment gets out of control then, ranging from pure rage over devastation and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I just turn cold and make plans for splitting up (''He doesn't love me anyways'') till hot range kicks in again. It's a very painful cycle and barely a way out without damage like fighting or hurting myself.
Is that what splitting means?
I think so. As best I can tell, it's when a small trigger leads to a big reaction where you basically put the person in the "all bad" category when they did one thing that was upsetting, whether intentionally or not.
I was able to actually catch myself the last time this happened. God it was awful. I was able to redirect myself and focus on the present and breakdown what was actually true. My content was focused on abandonment in that moment.
God till I was able to accept that I am able to against alcohol but when my boyfriend consumes it, he doesn’t throw away our future or our relationship or other horrible stuff… that was some hard work and it is still difficult sometimes but I am able to manage well
One of the most difficult things I found is getting my partner to watch these kinds of clips,and it would take such s little bit of time to watch to make a lifetime change.
Helpful! ☮️💟
Splitting is HUGE for me.. Thank you for doing this video!! I constantly split, sometimes I'm not even aware until I stop and think about it..and "TRY" to see the Grey.... Is there any tricks that we can use for that... ?? How can we shift our brain to getting more into that "Grey" zone...
I get on my knees and lean into God. Once I surrender and ask for the holy spirit to discern wisdome upon me I always get to experience some grey. It's enough hope to know I am healing. I only split when I am in a relationship, outside of that I was in full remission. I used to split a lot just based on always feeling like everything was a threat, but I was able to step into faith and say "what if" every time a fear response came i.e "what if you stepped completely into confidence and the worst happened but you were safe because you were in such a confident place" and although it was uncomfortable for a while soon enough it happened. I just need to have the same faith that I can trust in this relationship and see the grey when she's trying to protect me and therefore downplays little things (which my extremes see as serious lies etc). We will defeat this.
I guess this can also pertain to favorite family members as well..
I read the idealisation of things, your fp or situations are also part of splitting. How do to deal with that?
Is splitting happens to all our friends with BPD? Or depends, ie some never faced splitting at all?
I feel seen. Thank you. I’m currently struggling badly with my BPD. Splitting is so confusing. Cause how can I get myself to feel safe again?
I’m so glad. Be well and stay strong.
Thank you
Anyone else aware of the vast hatred for us bpds? Wow.
Please take this subject one step further and speak about identical & fraternal twins the impact of what could happen between relationships.
Can you talk about BPD and intimacy please?
Why do I feel guilty for everything all the time ?
Dr Fox
I’m struggling. 8 month relationship with untreated BPD. Said she did not want to leave still loved me. Left ghosted me. Then did not come get her things. Now she says I abused her after I told her my family thought she was abusing me. Last week after a 7 week break up she reached out to my dad told him an Instagram reel was what was wrong with his daughter and that I need mental health help, the funny thing is I have been in therapy since before breakup. Therapist said that I was not a narcissist like ex said. I just don’t understand why she is doing this after leaving? I never want her back. I just want to be left alone.
Thanks💓
Thanks!
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
I’m so depressed having this disorder. I never received help on it because I feared it’d be too much to handle for a therapist and my father who raised me didn’t know what to do or how I could treat it. I just know I suffered terrible emotional trauma as a child and it most likely gave me this problem. I want so much to stop splitting. 😢
Dr. Fox , I was wondering if you capsid find a video on bod and sexual intimacy . I stiffly with many bpd traits and sex is very threatening for me . I have never been sexually or physically abused, and yet I do not feel safe having sex with my husband . It brings me no pleasure and somehow makes me feel violated and like my boundaries have been infringed upon . My husband is extremely kind and gentle but I can’t shake these feelings.it’s as if I can’t maintain a separate “self “ from him during intimate times , and that is too uncomfortable for me . Thanks very much .
I can relate to this. I love my husband so much but have a very hard expressing affection towards him. I also feel as if I always make things “his fault” perhaps to avoid intimacy. He’s always seemed obsessed with me, literally treats me like a queen but I push him away. I always feel guilty about it & want to go apologize but usually won’t allow myself to.
During sexual intimacy, I feel weird. Sometimes I feel violated. All he wants to do is please me but it makes me feel like a toy of his or something. I hate feeling the way I do and I know he hates it too 😢
@@meganharrington9755 I don't have BPD, but AvPD & Social Anxiety, and I feel like this too. I yearn for emotional intimacy, but sexual or physical intimacy makes me feel like a sex doll or a toy for a man's pleasure. It's horrible.
But in like, I have been harassed by men in the workplace, so it just supports my feelings even more.
I think I have a friend which this describes and I just want her to be okay. I'm trying to be consistent and available for her. I know my own needs come first etc.
One mistake: people splitting with are not always unsuitable. If people with unmanaged BPD believe so, they are doing the biggest mistake of not restoring valuable relationships.
I don't think you understand the fact that people with unmanaged (undiagnosed) BPD can't even grasp that they are acting in an inappropriate behavior. The emotion is so strong that you act on it - that is the core of BPD, so it's almost impossible for someone who doesn't know they have a problem to catch it.
In other words, whether the relationship is valuable is moot because they can't even help dealing damage to it.
I always turned my splitting on myself, avoiding putting my fp down. I'd tell them they should leave me, I'm aweful and bad for them and they should escape me.
It’s weird when I am on adhd meds or meds which have my brain working and where I have peace, I don’t do it but when I’m off meds, I get impatient with him and insult him and I hate this afterwards because it just comes out so unfair I just want to cut out my brain or have no emotions too complicated.