True dat! I was lucky enough to meet her again and I could tell immediately she hasn’t thought about me, seemed quite happy w her new guy/life, so I feel lucky,wat if I just kept thinking wat if she’s thinking about me! Wat a waste of life and time ! That’s all thanks.
@@fleadoggreen9062 It's a real black pill to realize someone you care about does not feel the same way. I would have cut her out of my life and never looked back.
Oh yes. Twenty-four years ago I was rejected by my boyfriend and I thought my heart would break. Then a few years later I met a wonderful man and we’ve been married for 17 very happy years
It is sad truth, but the solution lays within. Self-love will deliver you. The person you cannot forget is just misplaced love. Those who deserve your love will reciprocate.
@DESIGN AND ENTERTAINING Na people who are rejected are even with who are happy on their relationship. Time is factor. If you didn't find love between age 15-20 you would feel unrequited love sooner or leter. Best time is freshman year in college.
In my travels through this life, the unrequited love I've had for so long has been one of the most difficult for me to deal with. It's been many, many years, and it still hurts.
Melinda, I have thrown away years of my time still thinking about someone after something has ended without truly moving on. It sure feels freeing to REALLY MOVE ON. MY advice would be to seek therapy in order to be able to give up on that person. In some cases, medication can help one to close the door on something that will never bear fruit. Also exercise can help you to probably literally get that person out of your system. I also recall a relationship that in real life ended but where I was distracted hy him still and I did not move on. I think that if we could stop ourselves from doing this, we would be a lot happier. It is a good thing to be able to move on. But many of us feel so sad at the end that we feel ourselves contract and even socializing less so that we do mot move on through meeting new people like others might. We will even isolate ourselves. That is NOT A GOOD PRACTICE. BUT MANY DO IT. That option of meeting new people is always there. But many people feel like they dont feel like looking anymore after a loss. BUT WE ALL NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WALK AWAY....
@@brusselsprout5851 YES YES YES. I have had the guy come back later and try to hook me by saying, "The door is open." Does that sound like any sort of offer? He wanted me to come back. I KNEW EXACTLY what he wanted. It wasn't me. He wanted sex from anyone, and never learned any other thing to get from women. I am relieved I never followed up. I HAD NO sense of desire to go to him because it felt like a DEAD offer. THERE WAS NO ONE HOME INSIDE OF HIM and I felt it. You have to trust your gut. YOU MUST learn to and listen to it!! I later did have a short short (a few hours) experience with him and it was a dull experience, one I wish I could forget with all of my might.. and I will forget it. After that tiny horrible experience he said he didn't love me. Well whoopdee do! That is no surprise. ...none
@@raymonddeflaviis2306 It is not sterile, Some of my research has been on Attachment. It IS imprinting and we learn attachment styles when we are young with our first caregivers. Look it up. There is Secure Attachment, Anxious Attachment, Anxious Avoidant, and Disorganized. The disorganized attachment usually grows up to be psychotic or a psychopath or maybe narcissistic. The guy I wrote about above who said " the door is open", Has to be a narcissist. He does not seem to bond. The disorganized attachment person cannot bond.
No One Nobody well, you could be unattractive to someone with issues, your politics might not fit, you might be too old. You might be unhappy. It’s purely in the mind of each person. You can’t ultimately make the person love you.
Rejection is very bad. What I can say to give you hope is : its not a problem. You matter, not only them. Take that time to improve yourself, be good to yourself and others. Dont stay sad or hatefull, try to understand others and be confortable in your own skin. Be kind to yourself. This channel is great
TRUE. TRUE.. but sad.... if you want a family....... is that what you want? I guess Dr. GRANDE NEEDS TO DO ONE ON TAKING RISKS IN TELLING SOMEONE... That you are interested in them. You have to be able to do that and then live with the answer! 😥😥😓
TRUE family life cannot be built unless men step forward and ask or unless women ask too. I know a women personally who asked a man (my nephew) "Would you ever want to go out sometime?" and the woman later got married to the man. She was smart. She and he together went to the peace corps, so they had to get married to do that! and they got married first and then have both achieved advanced degrees while being married. They have done really well. They have a very very busy life trying to help people, he, through medicine and she through international health and economics. It is commendable! they have three children who are being raised Bilingually and who are very busy too. they are all under 9 years old.
I have been led on and had many different types of failed relationships with various character types. I have been up close to a borderline or two and some that had narcissism or at least traits. Being led on is a nightmare but when there is no one home in that leading it is just a waste of time. By no one home iImean someone so character disordered that they have no personality to really offer at best. Or another scenario is someone who never will make a commitment again.... That person can be a bad person to get tangled up with too....
Unrequited love is extremely painful, but, it is indeed love. And I'm not talking about obsession, but genuine love. Because the person who is hurt by unrequited love, if they genuinely love them, would love the person enough to respect their wishes and let them go, even though it hurts. Because genuine love means wanting what's best for the other person.
Letting go is the right way. This is not always easy. But the real problem is dealing with the pain. Even if you are letting it go, the pain can be very strong and stay for a long time.
Absolutely. For me it’s been ten years…I tried to contact this person repeatedly and eventually they got the police involved. I also feel like movies and media are slightly to blame here. You know those movies where a guy will do anything to win the girls heart and they end up together. What message does that send to us?
It's also an addiction. I agree that it's a really powerful one but it will cease one day if you have discipline and not try to look for that person in any way
Right, managing expectations. You only feel the pain of rejection when you think you have a shot at the person. You think it is a possibility and your mind holds on to that fact and want to make it true. When it does not happen, then you have a lot of love energy with nowhere to go.
I think there is a lot of fantasizing that goes into unrequited love. The person feeling it projects a number of qualities or thinks the object of unrequited love will magically make them feel different about themselves, or the object of love being perfect, flawless.... I also think a person feeling persistent unrequited love often is someone that grew accustomed in childhood to feeling rejected by caregivers and now has come to associate love with chasing. It's not unusual to hear stories of people spending years in a state of unrequited love but if the object of love then finally falls for them, person A falls out of love. I suppose unrequited love can be a form of avoidance too.
Yes. They are on love with their idealised (idolized!) Person...they have no idea what it would really be like unless of course they still love after a break up...like I do, all these years after :( happy he is happy so it's real l love, i guess. Ow.
Have you ever read the book by Goethe called, "The Sorrows Of Young Werther?" It is a classic and describes the inner torment and very painful YEARNING about a woman he knows. He is dealing with his inner life of torment throughout the book. I am certain I still have that book. I should re-read it. I read it when I was 20. Now that I am "old" I may have a new appreciation. YES Parents can and do initiate attachment styles in their children through early interactions. They are responsible when a their child becomes a person oriented into this type of state of "always wanting someone one cannot have." In fact I know of a guy and both of his parents were alcoholics who fought constantly. They separated when he was maybe 18 or so in the late 60's when he was off at college for the first time and didn't yet even know the basics of taking care of himself, and then his mom who already had mental health issues through out her adult life, which had only worsened, killed herself. I heard from a relative that he will have this mental health issue where he will have a crush on a woman he sees around a campus or something and usually she is married and unobtainable. He develops a crush and a fantasy life about her and then he becomes so depressed that he has to seek therapy and go on medication. Thank God he has gotten help. But the roots of this are in the neglect of his emotional and other needs as a young child. So he has a very anxious attachment style. I would say it is anxious avoidant. It is a painful thing to watch and to know that he has gone through this. This man just turned 70 and I know he will never marry. He is choosing a single celibate and lonely life. I do not think he does anything with pornography because I know he is conscientious and I know he is religious.
@@maidenmarian1 haha someone is going to be confused I wrote this on another comment....no, I've not read Goethe because I always assumed he would be too twee. I like another German write Hermann Hesse (rosshalde, Gertrude, siddharta). N8t German but I am in awe of Knut Hamsun ( read Hunger......so damn...modern, a leap in style and imagination, the unnamed protagonist, his pride is ridiculous. Anyhoo.
@@maidenmarian1 ..just read the plot summary...I'll be honest...it would not be an enjoyable read For me. W sound like an absolute sap and i can't relate to the social settings or hos prissy yearning...I amvery judgemental... by that I mean, 8 know what I like..tone, attitudes....
@@HumanimalChannel Thanks for sharing. I never would have heard of it if it were not for a music professor I had who recommended it in 1977. It is hard to watch him suffer!
regan khadka except for this video only explains scenarios involving why or how there is a developed situation of unrequited love. It doesn’t say how to move on from the loss, for example, it doesn’t show steps person A should or could take to rise above the hurt.
I love Dr. Grande’s scaffolding analogy when talking about unrequited love. When a person first starts to feel an attraction for someone, they must make sure that the other person is feeling an attraction for them too! Not always easy to decipher, but necessary! As in scaffolding, you have to keep both sides level, or the relationship will ultimately collapse. If you see early on that your love is not being returned, then there is really no other recourse but to walk away. This is really hard to do, but it pales in comparison to the hurt you feel if unrequited love persists for years and years without being addressed. It only leads to deep hurt and heartbreak.
My brother was person A. Person B was my best friend's sister. He wanted a romantic relationship. She just wanted to be friends. He couldn't leave it at that and there was the whole round of theatre visits, meals and expensive presents. He constantly tried to convince himself that she would come round and reciprocate his love. This continued for a very long time, over ten years. She tried to make it clear that she only wanted a platonic relationship. Maybe she didn't try hard enough but he didn't want to listen.I tried to advise him to let her go as the situation would eventually end badly, but he was sure that it would work out and she would come to love him back. She didn't. He turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows and he drank himself to death, my second brother to do this for similar reasons. At the funeral she was devastated when she realised that she was probably contributed towards the cause of his death. It wasn't suicide as such, his death was just a by-product of his sadness. It's tragic to see someone destroy himself over unrequited love. Sorry if this is a bit rambling. It's still raw after fifteen years.
The woman was not at fault. There was seriously something wrong in their upbringing for them to fixate to that extent and then bury themselves in the bottle. That is in no way the action of a healthy and secure individual.
Matt Bonneville agree. Why would the woman feel guilty. Was she supposed to enter a relationship with a man she didn’t want to be with so he wouldn’t drink himself to death? It wasn’t love it was erotomania and the man needed professional help!
Disagree, if you don't want someone or someone doesn't want you You burn the whole bridge down, so there is no coming back ever from that. All that half weakass work leads to more pain. Every burned bridge has lead me to exponential spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth and each time to a new more furfilling path.
OMG, this is tragic. IMHO, in this modern world feelings must be expressed as early as possible, if there is no reciprocation for any reason - all potential ways romantic relationshipcould work must be destroyed. All hope must be eliminated and must move on ASAP.
That wasn’t rambling, that was a perfect recollection of something terrible that happened to someone close to you. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope anyone reading this realizes that their life is worth so much more, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
If you love someone and they don't love you, nothing you do will make them. Let them go. Yes it hurts. Might be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, but it will make you stronger *if* you really let go as lovingly as possible.
Thank you. So it basically most times comes to this : physical attraction. No matter how wealthy, how bright your future may be, how smart and intelligent you may be, it comes down to just physical attraction. You can not beat this, no matter how genuinely good you may be, how witty you are, or how much hard you try. At the end, all the efforts will not be reciprocated and you end up feeling devastated.
I experienced unrequited love with a woman I met in grad school. We had a few dates, then she rejected me. But I continued to pursue her, we became very good friends, emotionally intimate but not physically intimate. We both had other partners but when I slept with my girlfriend it felt like I was cheating on my unrequited love interest. We spoke everyday, shared our innermost feelings, spent a lot of time together but no sex. Eventually she moved away to pursue her career and after a long time I gave up on her. One of the hardest things I ever did. A few years later I did meet someone else, we fell in love, got married, had a child and so forth. Never heard from my unrequited love interest again.
I think that "Let it go" and "move on" advice needs more detail. Sometimes a person desperately _wants_ to move on but the heartbreak just lingers and lingers and lingers, sometimes in odd cases for _years_. What do we do then? It certainly makes sense to approach all possible romantic liaisons this way from the outset, but sometimes it just doesn't happen this neatly. Sometimes you share a connection with someone who you see regularly (like at work) but they've got their sights set on someone else and every time you see them the whole attraction gets set off again. What do we do then?
This is one reason I tend to avoid even loose relationships if I can. I can't control how my brain and the chemicals in my body are going to react, so best to prevent the possibility of this happening.
It disheartens me that this did not receive a proper answer. I need this answer. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what moving on or getting over someone is. Is it not wanting to be with them? Done. But it's not. And apparently no one else has an answer either. And that's fucking stupid. I deserve the love I'm trying to give away but no one has any advice on FUCKING HOW
Thank you for explaining this so clearly. Unrequited love sucks balls but it’s nice to hear people understand what the rejectees are going through, instead of just calling us desperate, entitled crazy people.
Exactly! People always think you’re crazy or delusional for loving someone who isn’t in a position to do the same. It’s not crazy, it’s brave actually. Someone is lucky to have a person be so devoted to them. Some people are never loved at all.
I also appreciated the comments "from the other side," about Person B, who often doesn't get any kind of positive air time in these discussions. So often (particularly in internet memes) I hear them described as ungrateful, or people who surely must have been sending false signals, or who don't know a good thing when they see it, or who aren't remotely worthy your love if they won't give it back, etc etc etc. I've been Person B and it really can be seriously painful from that end as well. I don't like causing pain to people, nor blamed and demonized for not being able to give someone what they want. Rejectees aren't desperate or crazy, either, although I know sometimes they might actually feel that way, when the grief is great. Life is hard and we all need to think about the pain others are going through, to understand as best as we can.
That is an amazing video. From my perspective, Unrequited Love is the most beautiful mistake and pain you can get, because it growths you up, build you personally and let you love someone unconditionally. This love last forever, because it hasn't got jealousy, pressure or stuff of couple things, but just you love that person from bottom of your heart and soul...!
IT IS true. IT IS a crazy MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN CRUEL thing. If one is religious at all IT IS a LIVING Martyrdom. St.Augustine or Aquinas said that "virginity is a living martyrdom." If I ever have a chance I plan to argue with someone inside the gates immediately!!! i WILL START OUT WITH, "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!!!huh??"
This video is seemingly meant for me Dr. Grande. I just told my best friend I have feelings for him and he gave me the "you're important to me but not in that way" speech. Honestly I'm still wallowing. I don't develop feelings easily, and when I do, they're deep. I don't know how to cope with them now that I know for certain they're unrequited.
@Paritosh Jadhav Hehehe you can feel the bitterness, hey asshole it's not anyone's fault you're rejected, you can be attractive but still be rejected and suffer unrequited love, the thing with yourself is that you're ugly inside and out.
Hi Amelia; I know this situation is sad,, but it would have been worst if the one you had feeling for had not been honest with you not told you how he really felt. Being led on to believe something that is not so can lead to more heartache. At least you now know where you stand, and can go on from here.
The fact that you also don't develop feelings easily really resonated with me. I'm starting to believe that I'm a demisexual, that I only develop sexual attraction with a person I have a strong emotional bond with. A few months ago a friend and I got very close and definitely crossed the line of pure friendship, but a month ago he ended up telling me that he has a girlfriend now. This type of unrequited love left me completely heartbroken as we had been romantically envolved. I'm really trying to see the positives. Even though we might feel horrible at the moment, we know that we're able to feel deeply. Imagine being deeply in love with a person who loves you back! I'm sure you'll find the one some day who appreciates and loves you!
I used to be person "A". I still live with the guilt of my behavior and how I flew apart at the seems, at the end of that relationship. In the end, my dysfunction resulted not only in the loss of a lover, but the loss of a good friend. To this day, I'm still ashamed. If you're going through this, take my advice, let it go.
Rejecting is also hard. You wonder if you’re making a mistake by letting person A go. You don’t want to hurt person A. You can’t love person A but you can’t bear to see him struggle. The guilt, the shame of giving it all a chance and wanting it to work out but it simply cannot. I feel crushed. I’m so sad for my failure and for his. I’m burdened with losing someone that I admire and respect but do not love.
Couple years ago i wrote this poem to mend my heart. After i wrote it i felt much better. It's called Secret. I hope you all enjoy it 🌻⚘🌼 I aint gonna let you in on a secret I aint gonna let you find That the feel for you Is of the deepest And the sweetest Of kind I aint gonna let you Find and notice You are always Here within Like a cherry In the heart of candy Like sounds of violine.. I aint gonna Let you see it -you bring joy to me I can only know You live it Far away As you may be I aint gonna try And say I love you -words are evidence of lack For this feeling Wont be secret Soon as you can feel it back
Enjoyed your poem. Here’s mine from a similar situation as this: In a vault on a seabed, it’s locked away. Forever gone, forever out of reach for anyone. With its key lost in an unknown ocean. It’s safe; untouched and preserved. Never to be found. Never to be lost. It’s gone. Frozen in time. Tucked in water’s embrace. It’s safe. In the trenches of the deepest of waters It will be found, by no one. Long after you & me are gone. It shall remain, Guarded by the rocks, sea and shadows of the reefs. In my heart, the light reaches it. Long after you & me are gone A gift, for the civilisations that come after, to unveil. Found in all it’s youthful glory, it will. Tender and raw.
Hello Dr Grande! Could you please maybe make a video on a topic of low self esteem? I am very much interested in ways of how to cope, or rather say get out of, the circle of: 'I am not worthy of good things - Somebody giving me a little appreciation - Inner anxiety & fighting thinking "something is wrong here"/"I am not actually worthy of such gratitude/appreciation"- Self hate' + additional moment of usually falling in love with people appreciating me, or at least finding them more attractive after that happening, and also this way kind of expecting them to give me more of that appreciation. Your videos are always so interesting to watch! Thank you for helping with breaking the stigma and doing what you do 💛
Abby från Ryssland everytime you catch yourself in that loop, bring yourself to the present moment. It’s really hard to do you have to rewire the way you think and talk to yourself.
Keep telling yourself you are worthy and dont look for hapiness where you found sadness. It takes time but nowadays when i think about myself i feel a sense of selflove and Pride.
@@geoninja3631 That is true. If you fall "under someone's thrall" you are losing yourself and losing ground. Don't give up ground. You need time to see who this person really IS.
They need Dr Grande in schools. I spent 11 years in the public school system and nobody taught me any of this. Much to my detriment. Hope this wisdom reaches some young folks via youtube.
There is another common scenario of unrequited love that you didn't talk about, Dr Grande. Person B does find person A physically attractive, but they're not interested in anything deeper, and person A only realizes that this is the case after developing feelings.
It's been 35 years since the girl of my dreams rejected me and it still haunts me to this day. Furthermore, I just discovered a few weeks ago that a good friend of mine from that time, who worked with both of us, passed away 3 years ago. I still have questions from those days that I think he was uniquely qualified to answer but those questions must now go forever unanswered. This video was hard to watch in a lot of ways.
This is where the "uncontrolled emotion" and "favorite person" combine. The 10,000 volts of infatuation drives the compulsion to contact a woman several times a day. I recently experienced this with a woman who actually liked me. It didn't take long for her to cut me off. I am embarrassed and humiliated. Thank you for explaining this and giving some practical advice.
I’d like to add my take on the idea of Unrequited Love. For many of us there is more to the idea of who we are attracted to than just physical appearance. People often attempt to recreate their unmet nurturing needs from childhood through the partners we become attracted to. If we had a parent who was emotionally unavailable, we will often find ourselves attracted to the same. For one, this type of relationship may feel comfortable to us because it’s familiar. Secondly, we may try to act out the same attempts to get that love we did not receive from our parents. When someone finds themselves repeatedly attracted to the same type of person and these relationships do not last - or are unrequited- it might be helpful to examine our underlying motives. I also believe that friendships and romantic relationships are not mutually exclusive; in fact, getting to know someone over time as a good friend lays a strong foundation for a long term, loving and intimate partnership.
I always felt I was a slightly above average person in terms of physical attractiveness. Feminine facial features, almond eyes, petite yet curvy figure, not too short or too tall, a sprinkle of freckles across my nose and cheeks, long healthy curly hair, a nice smile and voice and a kind but a bit of a nerdy personality and yet I experienced unrequited love. 💔 I believe I lacked the confidence and at the time I met this young man, I just gave it all away up front. No not THAT lol but emotionally I laid it all out for him. I remember one night we spent New Years Eve together and after the clock struck midnight and everyone was celebrating, I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer and declared "I Love You!" His response? "I know"....... Ouch! Now I admit I could have played my cards a bit closer to the chest but honestly I just wasn't what he was attracted to. He admitted to me he preferred tom boyish girls lol go figure. He liked me ONLY as a friend to hang out with. Plus he was younger than me. I felt foolish but I learned the heart wants what it wants. Love cannot be forced. And if someone has a type, they most likely are not going to deviate from that no matter how awesome, sweet, giving and good looking you are. 🤷♀️ After that disappointment, I ended up meeting a wonderful man while at a karaoke bar whom I eventually married. Hes nerdy like me, has a great smile, is hardworking, supportive, so sweet and smart and makes me laugh! Point is, Theres somebody for everybody. If you're ever rejected, know theres someone out there who wants, desires and will love you for YOU. Be patient, be open and love yourself in the meantime cause you're awesome and you do deserve LOVE!
Welcome to what the VAST majority of men faced for the past 60 years thanks to the "sexual revolution." It's far worse for men for a number of reasons. Starting with the fact there are far more available single men than available single women out there. It's now at least two to one, and many men never have, never will find anyone. When men never find love, hate and violence will find them. That is what we are seeing on the streets right now.
@@taraswertelecki3786 Wait a minute!! From my end, it's like all the guys have been taken. I guess it depends on location, needs/priorities, desires and self-esteem. I don't think it's the sexual revolution tbh, I think it's the Kardashian revolution. Every girl is expected to look like a fuck toy.
@@yb958 100% of women only go for the top 20% of guys. There are plenty of dating apps data studies showing this. This leaves 80% of men pretty much invisible. By contrast, almost any woman can get "some" type of man. Even the morbidly obese women.
When you’ve been married for many years and have kids together it sure is hard to let go. I know. I tried to no avail. If only I could have believed in myself afterwards. At the time I needed to my strongest I couldn’t. I wound up escaping pain with addiction once my wife and kids left. It has been six years and I’ve caused myself a lot of pain. I had it all together when I was married. I had values and goals. Then I thought I had nothing to live for. What I’ve found is that things can get worse. So I keep picking myself up and try again. I get a lot from watching these videos. I have great relationship with my youngest 18 year old daughter. Not so much with my 21 year old daughter. But I love her and have to keep trying.
Unrequited love is a potent hard lesson, but a lesson, nonetheless. I'm learning to define what loves means for me and to validate myself so that I'm not searching for it in others. I like the quote: "Stop caring that everyone doesn't like you. You don't even like everyone." True story. To my own unrequited love, thanks for the *good* memories. 🧘🏻♀️
I always thought unrequited love was brilliant. I had my own fantasies of our life together which I found quite nice. Clearly he didnt love me, but I loved him, and my day dreams were good enough. I have had a lot of experience with really bad relationships and had no reason to believe that the relationship would be any different from previous ones so in my thoughts it was a relationship without his ( or my ) obvious flaws.
When I met my husband it seemed that we were equally attracted to each other and scaled together easily. After 6 years of marriage, my husband does not listen when I speak, he is work obsessed and although he is continually attempting to offer reasons for his distance (an extremely stressful job he began 6 months ago) something has changed. Each time I have not believed in my own judgement, I have been sorry to have been right after all. We are separated. I came to NY to finish my book, he remains in Atlanta. I’ve felt better since I’ve left. It simply seems to me that it’s nearly impossible to sustain authentic love within the construct of a religious difference, a cultural difference, an age difference (he is much, much younger than I) and a language barrier. I did not need to go to MIT or be a member of MENSA to have thought this through from the beginning, however, I simply didn’t, I was a much different person 6 years ago. Moreover, I’m simply too damn tired to be either person A or person B. I’m going to be person C, the one who plays the field. 😞
I am 32 years old, I had only one girlfriend who cheated on me, I have been rejected countless times, but I can honestly say that unrequited love is the purest form of love
I did not have much guidance in life, had to learn most things the hard way and I still make mistakes...but as an adult I can confirm that it doesn't matter HOW beautiful, witty, cute, charming or financially successful you are... EVERYONE will experience broken relationships and love not being returned. It hurts a lot and one feels ugly and like a failure, it is simply NOT true...it is just not the right person for you. Best just to move on, don't beat yourself up or move too quickly into another relationship. 🤗
"You don't know what love is/ Until you've learned the meaning of the blues/ Until you've loved a love you've had to lose/ You don't know what love is."
What song is this? I love, " I cant make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't...." Sung by Bonnie Raitt One if the most beautiful songs ever written!!!!💕💕💕🎃🎃
@@maidenmarian1 That is one of Bonnie's best recordings, and it's perfect for Dr. G's topic of the evening. "You Don't Know What Love Is" is a jazz standard out of the Forties. Many recordings of it have been made, and, I imagine, many nights have been passed by people drinking and ruminating on unrequited love while this old song played in the background. Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone, and many others have recorded it. Edit: (I like Bonnie's cover of "Angel From Montgomery," too; she's really all over that song in the video on TH-cam.)🎃
@@maidenmarian1 You are welcome. "I Can't Make You Love Me" would be perfect playing over the opening of Dr. Grande's video. Thank you. Edit: If I may make one more suggestion: try Eric Clapton's "Bell Bottom Blues," if you haven't already (and I assume you have). That's certainly a classic wail of unrequited love.
@@maidenmarian1 oh I love that song but anytime I hear it I burst into tears I wonder how common unrequited love is it definitely is the most painful feeling I've ever had
Unrequited love can be a projection of ideal self. Person a thinks person b is awesome and wants to be considered a worthy mate for person b, who is out of person a's actual current league. But I've seen a lot of person a people improve themselves and maintain those improvements. Person b is long gone, but now person a has gone up a notch in mate rankings. (More money, lost weight, etc)
Loving someone more than they loved you is not something to be ashamed of. Your love is strong and always will be. Their love was shallow and will be with their next partner who’s love will match theirs.
Having another girl chosen by this dude over me, it hurt yea but you gotta move on as soon as you can, to get on with your life Some people just weren't suited for each other move on and find someone who fits with you
Wow. Very good insight, I just went through this. I was person A, I gave and did everything for person B. However, person B, instead of being upfront about what they wanted, they mislead me, and even pursued me a few times after I tried to leave, just for me to come back and be rejected again. I actually had to end up blocking person B just to end the cycle. But it just sent me deep into my emotions and now I'm struggling to put the pieces back to my crazy puzzle. It's a mess. Thank yoy for this video. It definitely put some things into perspective.
In my experience With being rejected By a potential romantic partner I thought all those Women I wouldn't trade my wife for so it's always better to just get over it right away cause there's always something better then somebody who doesn't want you back
My fiancée left me on January 1st. We had been together for 8 years. I loved him more than anything, anyone in this world. He changed overnight, in the blink of an eye, and left everything we owned and drove away. He told me he no longer wants the relationship and he's been trying to leave for 7 years. I had no idea. He left and never came back. Abandoned me, our pets, our things, our home... There is no other woman, there are no drugs involved. Just... snapped. I am so confused, sad, and lonely. Suicide has been on my mind constantly. I am so worried about him.
Hey Doc, I'm a fan, but I felt this discussion to be a bit shallow. Unrequited love is extremely powerful, and often leads to permanent effects to one's ego. For example, this happened to me, and precipitated the first symptoms of my bipolar disorder which manifest a few months of self-destruction after the event. You are right, the feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, unworthiness, foolishness, and a certain cynicism and misanthropy are there, but you don't really discuss how to overcome this or what is to be learned from this. "Moving on" is simply not an option in the face of permanent, or at least, long lasting effects to one's psyche. There may be a lesson to be learned, but as you mentioned, person A is often left without an honest answer as to why the love wasn't requited. And I can honestly say that is probably the worst part about unrequited love. It's the lack of solid reasons, the doubt, and the anxiety of trying to figure out things that don't have a clear answer. So the effects seem to compound, where you are unable to know what to learn from the situation, and at the same time you are chasing down answers to solve the problem in order to move on. Perhaps it is being unattractive, and learning to accept that love is based on shallow feelings. That would be easy enough to accept if the answer were clear. But even that answer has led to some dubious and harmful conclusions, because as someone who is objectively attractive to majority of women, it caused what feels like dysmorphia. Sure, attraction is relative and subjective, but I still have trouble accepting that people find me attractive since that time, despite plentiful evidence otherwise from most women. I agree, it is a paradox. Unrequited love can hardly be called love. True, the best way to love someone is to let them go, but that's really not going to lead to a good or fulfilling life for the unrequited. The answer, to me, seems almost a spiritual acceptance of this life being lived for a sense of loss. It seems existentially punitive. If you are to accept that love is mutual, and that what you had before was a lie, you have to accept that you can't trust your feelings. And that's the real paradox. Your emotions and life are invalid and untrustworthy. You can't get over that, and you can't really love again. She's moved on and had a family, and I can't get over it over half a decade later. I have grown astoundingly stoic from this, but also astoundingly, and what seems to be, irreparably, alone.
Mr. Bell, I can underline everything you wrote here. Shortly after the rejection I developed Bipolar 2 and an autoimmune disease. The chronic emotional and existential pain and uncertainty deriving from not understanding the big picture have accompagnied my life for the last 20 years, despite so many efforts, I've undertaken to understand these problems. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you.
@M Z No. I had bad luck. The human mind is actually quite resilient. It takes a lot of stressors and a genetic vulnerability to develop a mental illness. However I've read hundreds of case studies and rejection and break ups are quite common triggers for mood and anxiety disorders.
M Z, Don't be afraid to get hurt. Though I wish I could take the whole thing back, what happened is better than avoiding love my entire life out of fear. You don't have any legitimate reason to be that cynical about love yet ;p. Also, there were plenty of other factors and events and genetic predispositions that led to my diagnosis. I do not blame her or any one thing in particular. Bipolar is actually kinda awesome in some ways. Mania gives me a perspective on life ppl need to take lots of hallucinogens to achieve, lol. Psychosis is absolutely terrifying, and being institutionalized against your will is traumatizing but I'm grateful for my condition in some ways. To Mrs. Reluctant, that is a sad tale, and I suspect that's what is in store for me as I grow older too. But I do think the suffering and loss and denial and confusion will have some purpose when our lives are over. I don't know what that is or why it had to be this way, but I somehow know it is true. And it's never too late to settle for relationships that bring you some joy and fulfillment, even if you lost your chance at the big one.
Why is it that when we realize it's unrequited love, we know the logical & best thing to do is walk away, never look back & move on, ehich I did.... yet it's 35 years later & the person has recently passed.....I lived my life yet could never forget this person even when I was very happily involved with someone else.....Now he has recently passed & he's on my mind more ever and I am dreaming about him when I never did before. I don't want to dream about him. I wish I didn't know that he had passed....Maybe it is me experiencing a second loss of this person? .....I need this to stop.
Thank you so much for this. I've had unrequited love for the same man for many many years and it has weighed heavily on me but you are right. If you love them you can let them go.
I'm going through this right now. And it's all the more painful given the last year of quarantine. But Like Dr Grande said, it's just temporary. And I'm taking comfort in the thought that it means I have a capacity to love and imagine love.
Unrequited love caused by his parents pulling him away. We reunited 3x over the years. This year he remarried......not to me. Claims he still loves me, but loves her more. Known him since we were 16. Now we're is 60, I love him, it hurts, but i have no use for him.
Person A (me) knew the feelings would never be reciprocated so she chose to be muted around person B ( the person I'm attracted to), going on three years now. I would never wish Person B to feel obligated or miserable. So never speaking to him is my way of coping with the rejection.
May not be the wisest move. Sometimes pain is necessary for healing, but having done the opposite of you and still dealing with for the last 3 years, maybe there is no good answer. It just sucks. Its a shitsandwich. And we have to take a bite
Dr. Grande can you do a video on how to love yourself? How does one learn to love themselves well enough so that they do not have reality distortions, or the need to project, or fear of rejection?
Could you please also make a video about the consequences of long term unrequited love and the damage it can cause to your future relationships? If you carry on with unrequited love for too long, you‘ll not only damage yourself mentally and emotionally, you may also involuntarily inflict emotional abuse on the very person you’ll be lucky enough to meet in the future who will love you and accept you as you are! I dated a man who previously held on to a woman who no longer loved him for 10 years. The consequence was self loathing, resentment, feeling worthless and unworthy of love. He chased me for 6 months and when I got to know him better and returned his feelings, he took me for granted and treated me as though I was worthless as well. Instead of being happy and appreciative of how lucky he was to have me, he acted as though there must be something wrong with me that I would wanted to be with him!
you cant just blame that on his past experience. he simply didnt reciprocate your feelings towards him for whatever reason. but it makes no sense to say he treated you poorly because he saw himself differently after his situation. he probably just wasnt over her and wasnt willing to open his heart to you or anyone at the time.
A 2 year casual relationship of mine recently escalated in intensity, and I fell in love with her. Problem is she "doesn't want anything serious right now" which I'm wise enough to know isn't a generalisation, that sentence could have been ended as "with you" It hurts a lot. Although I've just discovered this term Unrequited Love, and now that I know what I'm suffering from, I have a point from which I can start to rationalize it and try to move on.
A very dramatic scenario is when both are highly emotional and one is feeling hot and then cold about the other when the other is on the opposite side of the spectrum. Both can make irrational choices that cost them a lot in all aspects - mental and physical health, relationships, finances, etc.
I would say the most frusterating thing about dating in todays world is texting. I have a hard time getting to know someone and expressing my full personality through my phone.
It’s so hard when the other person is a dear friend. I want to move on and let go of these feelings but I don’t want to end our friendship because it’s such an important relationship and it would be unfair to them because it’s not their fault this has happened. Taking time off has helped a lot though
What do you call love that just doesn't go away and has no conditions? Like, you just want the best for that person and don't need to get anything out of it? You may not get what you want, but you will always care about them and hope they are happy kind of love?
I dated a guy on and off for a long time. Finally gave him the ultimatum to either make a commitment or we were done. Wished he walked away. Threw the whole dynamic of our marriage off from the very beginning.
@@MrLuigiFercotti Thank you Matt for admitting that. That is more honest than what some men post about how men might think or what they may feel and if they were encouraged to admit the truth, maybe this would be what they'd say..
The idea of giving a guy an ultimatum was a popular idea that I used to hear about women doing, for a while, but what things end up like are at time not anywhere near what the two people would have wanted.
loved the video and read almost all the comments. have an unrequited love for an adult student of mine, 9 years younger than me and she kindly rejected me initially and has been actively avoiding me in the small town that we are living in. then i insisted and things are turning out worse. it has been really humiliating for me and last week her brother called me and said if i keep on reaching out to her things will turn legal. moral of the story: do not focus on your own feelings but rather ask about your potential partners' dreams and purposes before cathing feelings. this is much more respectful and appropriate. MORE IMPORTANTLY make them know their places before putting them on a pedestal.
fantastic topic Dr Grande! i am writing on this as well....if you look at people who've suffered from this Marilyn Monre, for example, how their lives went, not a big secret how their hearts can be so broken thank you!
You missed the unrequited love where A & B know each another very well & it leads into love for person A. They do the right thing by being direct, being rejected & dropping the subject. They to date other people & truly want only the best for parson B & their new spouse but they’re STILL in love with person A & can’t emotionally commit to anyone else. What’s your advice then?
@Eterne totally agree with you. The image of someone or a scenario in a persons mind can be much more rooted in fantasy than reality. What we really want if we were realistic with ourselves, just isn’t there.
" I don't need love..for good will love do me? Diamonds never lie to me; for when love's gone..they luster on. " Diamonds Are Forever Sung by Dame Shirley Bassey, 1971.
He pursued me just lead me on and use me all while truly loving someone else...... and when the truth came out it was revealed that he never loved me at all..... it was all a game to him....and now he’s happily ever after with someone else .... The joke was on me the whole time .... I can’t deal with this .... it’s too much
Oh my god I'm so sorry you've experienced that. It was such a cruel thing to do from his part 😞 I can't understand how one can use a person to forget someone else. I've experienced that situation too and it was soul-crushing. I still feel the consequences of it and lost all sense of self-esteem after what happened ...and to be honest I still struggle with anger and that feeling of injustice /betrayal
Helpful and informative. Hearing the facts, in a sincere tone of voice is soothing. It fascinates me how Dr. Grande talks about these emotional topics, without emotion but soothes the listener with the facts and science delivered in a kind timber.
Good video. I was in this situation. I let go. It sucked but, not for long. Now, there are no romantic feelings what so ever and we're still friends. I definitely learned a lot! Great message Dr. Grande, so true. God bless💗💗💗
Good for you! Thank you for sharing that. It gives me hope for my healing and that maybe someday I’ll be able to appreciate this person as they are, not as I want them to be ❤
@@sithticklefingers7255 hang in there, there is someone that will want you, for you. Ps. Now they want to date me, now that I don't pay attention to them🙄 go figure lol.
I had a terrible experience of unrequited love in Junior high school. I had a crush on a cheerleader. I was back then scrawny and one of the smallest in the class. I used to drop love notes in her locker. I one day pushed things too far and blocked her from walking past me. She assualted me kicking me in the shins repeatedly. That set off a pattern of unrequited love that has yet to end. Abusive marraiges, being told there is no chemistry from one person after another. I have learned to love myself and be content being single.
@@maidenmarian1 did you read the last sentence of my comment? I have gotten past it by educating myself about this topic. I love myself and am content being single. Free of any addiction to porn or anything else. I have not given up on women, relationships or marraige, but I realize that rejection isn't just about me. Many women are attracted to the wrong types of men due to their own unresolved internal issues. So, I am very cautious. I will not get involved with any woman who is narcissistic.
Yes, I read it, especially now that you asked me to read it. Yes. One of my exes will never marry. Some people reach a point where they are content and I am kind of there now and I know a few other people who are probably there too. You have endured a lot. It wears a person out, too.
@@travelerwalker4961 I am glad to read all of this. Thanks for pointing out these key points in your comment. Everything you have observed makes good sense. Women can make bad choices very frequently. I am especially happy for you that you do not experience being addicted to porn. It is good to hear that.
I don't mind being unloved. What really hurt me is to get a really bad rejection. When I confessed to the lady I fell in love with, she said she was disgusted by me and my love is an insult to her. She called me trash. I have been depressed since then and it has been three years. I don't know when the pain will stop and I just don't feel happy anymore for anything. I am just walking dead. I hope no one will get what I got.
Wow, I’m sorry she treated you that way 😢 You’re not the trash for expressing how you felt, I believe you are brave. It’s her that’s trash. she acted so rude and didn’t even have the quality of treating others with basic human respect to reject you properly. Even if she doesn’t like you, who would treat another human being this way? through insults KNOWING that it’s someone that likes them THUS the words would cut deeper. Trash took itself out. She’s not a good person
I think "it's not you, it's me" is quite possible, however people usually don't recognize that feeling inferior and unlovable is at the root of being afraid of love and rejecting a potential partner.
I've been there, and it's rough. The situation was particularly bizarre, which only enforced the love. When the man you love that doesn't love you winds up in a coma, and then becomes permanently disabled as a result, it's hard to really move on easily. There's even some guilt like "If I was more loveable, and he fell in love with me, would he have been in that car?" " If I had never told him how I felt, or an interaction we had had somehow gone differently, would the difference in time have prevented the accident?" Or worst of all "If I hadn't overslept at that sleepover, and had gone with my friend to see him three days before the accident like I was supposed to, would things have gone differently?" The thing with an accident like that is that so many little things, one split second could have changed the outcome. The butterfly effect. On the other hand, if any of those things had happened differently, altering time by a moment, would he have died back in 1999? It was a very near thing. It might still kill him, he's been back in the hospital again for months. Outwardly, I moved on, got married, had children. Inwardly, it took 15 years for me to fully learn how to love him only as a friend. It wasn't an obsession, it truly was love. I never wanted anything but his happinesses, and the best for him in life.
This is fair a assessment. No one really wants to settle but be satisfied with their partner and will someday roll over from bed and look at them and think, ' I've made the right choice to be with this person till death.' If not, it will bring unease and regret. Who wants that feeling if that's from the other partner. It's just not reciprocated feelings. I agree with your scaffolding analogy. It seemed proper. No one wants to feel more or less what they feel and having a partner that feels unequal to you; whether more or less, is uneasy and frustrating. It seems to be am factor. Still, brilliant shelling of information as usual. Thanks for sharing, Dr. Grande.
I dated a guy who I wasn’t attracted to but hoped I would become attracted to because we got along so well, had the same values and he was a wonderful person. He wasn’t even unattractive, I just didn’t have romantic feelings for him. Needless to say... I had to break up with him because it wasn’t enough for me, and I felt guilty about not being on the same level of feelings.
This happened to me, too. Met a terrific guy. He checked all the boxes of what I wanted. Enjoyed our time together but I wasn't attracted to him like a man wants to be attracted to his woman. I cared about him but I didn't desire him. I didn't realize he was getting serious after 3-4 months. I couldn't say I love you when he said it to me. I broke his heart. What could I do?
I've had this - most people have in life which is why not every relationship works out. One of these relationships I've had I was a rebound. As a spin-off to this video, maybe you could cover rebounding if it's enough to do a video on. Also obsession. This is where in your video person A is rejected by person B but continues to pursue out of obsession. Maybe a video on how to put out the flames of obsession before it makes a situation worse. I've been guilty of obsession in my younger years and learned the hard way (more than once - because I didn't recognize it in myself) that obsession is bad and better to tame it than be consumed by it. Some of this is maturity but it's also an abnormality when it goes extreme and gets out of hand. Thank you so much for your insightful and thorough videos. These videos are really a generous public service in many ways.
I have a few questions after watching this video. How common is it for a person to reject someone of similar physical attractiveness because they themselves haven't set realistic expectations yet? Are relationships between two unattractive people unsuccessful more often than those between attractive people because unattractive people are inclined to set their expectations too high? Thanks for all the videos and please keep them coming!
The most important thing to have is an emotional standard against which you judge a potential relationship partner. That emotional standard is your normative emotional state, and thus, your relationship with yourself on a fundamental level that transcends contrived notions of self. If this relationship is poor, then your emotional standard will be very low. This means that the people who you compare them to will have a lower standard that they have to pass in order for you to accept into your life. If your standard is high, then you will be less willing to accept someone who disturbs that. If you are able to achieve a natural state through which joy and bliss is your baseline, thus symbolizing higher consciousness, then it becomes very easy to determine which person you will accept or disallow from entering you life because of how apparent it is. And you'll be less inclined to project higher qualities onto those who lack them out of the need to elevate them to a state to compensate for your insecurity.
"Nothing is more painful than being forgotten by someone you can't forget."
True dat! I was lucky enough to meet her again and I could tell immediately she hasn’t thought about me, seemed quite happy w her new guy/life, so I feel lucky,wat if I just kept thinking wat if she’s thinking about me! Wat a waste of life and time ! That’s all thanks.
@@fleadoggreen9062 It's a real black pill to realize someone you care about does not feel the same way. I would have cut her out of my life and never looked back.
Oh yes. Twenty-four years ago I was rejected by my boyfriend and I thought my heart would break. Then a few years later I met a wonderful man and we’ve been married for 17 very happy years
It is sad truth, but the solution lays within. Self-love will deliver you. The person you cannot forget is just misplaced love. Those who deserve your love will reciprocate.
true
Rejection is one of the most painful emotions to bear.
That is one common reason why men give up on women, for good.
Yes it is and it happens to woman to !
Rejection also has a chemical reaction in the brain. Which makes it harsher.
@@susandavis6477 yes, when the top model /millionaire reject them and they won't settle for any other man.
@DESIGN AND ENTERTAINING Na people who are rejected are even with who are happy on their relationship. Time is factor. If you didn't find love between age 15-20 you would feel unrequited love sooner or leter. Best time is freshman year in college.
In my travels through this life, the unrequited love I've had for so long has been one of the most difficult for me to deal with. It's been many, many years, and it still hurts.
yes i can relate to your pain .its awful take care
Melinda,
I have thrown away years of my time still thinking about someone after something has ended without truly moving on. It sure feels freeing to REALLY MOVE ON.
MY advice would be to seek therapy in order to be able to give up on that person.
In some cases, medication can help one to close the door on something that will never bear fruit. Also exercise can help you to probably literally get that person out of your system.
I also recall a relationship that in real life ended but where I was distracted hy him still and I did not move on. I think that if we could stop ourselves from doing this, we would be a lot happier. It is a good thing to be able to move on.
But many of us feel so sad at the end that we feel ourselves contract and even socializing less so that we do mot move on through meeting new people like others might. We will even isolate ourselves. That is NOT A GOOD PRACTICE. BUT MANY DO IT.
That option of meeting new people is always there. But many people feel like they dont feel like looking anymore after a loss.
BUT WE ALL NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WALK AWAY....
@@brusselsprout5851 YES YES YES. I have had the guy come back later and try to hook me by saying, "The door is open." Does that sound like any sort of offer? He wanted me to come back. I KNEW EXACTLY what he wanted. It wasn't me. He wanted sex from anyone, and never learned any other thing to get from women. I am relieved I never followed up. I HAD NO sense of desire to go to him because it felt like a DEAD offer. THERE WAS NO ONE HOME INSIDE OF HIM and I felt it.
You have to trust your gut. YOU MUST learn to and listen to it!! I later did have a short short (a few hours) experience with him and it was a dull experience, one I wish I could forget with all of my might.. and I will forget it. After that tiny horrible experience he said he didn't love me. Well whoopdee do! That is no surprise. ...none
@@raymonddeflaviis2306 It is not sterile, Some of my research has been on Attachment. It IS imprinting and we learn attachment styles when we are young with our first caregivers. Look it up. There is Secure Attachment, Anxious Attachment, Anxious Avoidant, and Disorganized. The disorganized attachment usually grows up to be psychotic or a psychopath or maybe narcissistic. The guy I wrote about above who said " the door is open", Has to be a narcissist. He does not seem to bond. The disorganized attachment person cannot bond.
In hear ya. Lost love also.
Been through that in the past. I can say it's the most painful emotion ever. I just feel so sorry for anyone that's going through that
I've always felt that the person we want most is the one we can't have.
YES it is. There is ultimately not always anyone really there, though... (wink) see above..
This seems to be true
Yes. You can turn it around be realizing that wanting who really loves you is better for you. Not everyone is ready for this.
@@andreasleonlandgren3092 Well interesting and good comment.
No One Nobody well, you could be unattractive to someone with issues, your politics might not fit, you might be too old. You might be unhappy. It’s purely in the mind of each person. You can’t ultimately make the person love you.
Rejection is very bad. What I can say to give you hope is : its not a problem. You matter, not only them. Take that time to improve yourself, be good to yourself and others. Dont stay sad or hatefull, try to understand others and be confortable in your own skin. Be kind to yourself. This channel is great
Thank you
The worst is when your being lead on. I ve grown to love a life of being single. No expectations, no disappoints.
TRUE. TRUE.. but sad.... if you want a family....... is that what you want?
I guess Dr. GRANDE NEEDS TO DO ONE ON TAKING RISKS IN TELLING SOMEONE... That you are interested in them. You have to be able to do that and then live with the answer! 😥😥😓
TRUE family life cannot be built unless men step forward and ask or unless women ask too. I know a women personally who asked a man (my nephew) "Would you ever want to go out sometime?" and the woman later got married to the man. She was smart. She and he together went to the peace corps, so they had to get married to do that! and they got married first and then have both achieved advanced degrees while being married. They have done really well. They have a very very busy life trying to help people, he, through medicine and she through international health and economics. It is commendable! they have three children who are being raised Bilingually and who are very busy too. they are all under 9 years old.
I have been led on and had many different types of failed relationships with various character types. I have been up close to a borderline or two and some that had narcissism or at least traits. Being led on is a nightmare but when there is no one home in that leading it is just a waste of time. By no one home iImean someone so character disordered that they have no personality to really offer at best. Or another scenario is someone who never will make a commitment again.... That person can be a bad person to get tangled up with too....
Exactly !
Yes I'm leaning towards a single life being independent and learning to love myself
Unrequited love is extremely painful, but, it is indeed love. And I'm not talking about obsession, but genuine love. Because the person who is hurt by unrequited love, if they genuinely love them, would love the person enough to respect their wishes and let them go, even though it hurts. Because genuine love means wanting what's best for the other person.
Totally agree. Love is in the loving. Love is freedom.
Letting go is the right way. This is not always easy. But the real problem is dealing with the pain. Even if you are letting it go, the pain can be very strong and stay for a long time.
Yes, sometimes you carry it with you to the grave.
Absolutely. For me it’s been ten years…I tried to contact this person repeatedly and eventually they got the police involved. I also feel like movies and media are slightly to blame here. You know those movies where a guy will do anything to win the girls heart and they end up together. What message does that send to us?
@@JeremiahKlarman I feel you on that.
@@taraswertelecki3786 God I hope not
This leads to emotional detachment, which is extremely unhealthy.
i am telling you, leaving drugs, cigarettes and alcohol is easy if compared to trying to forget someone you can't forget💔💔💔💔
YESS I still have that one person I can't stop thinking about
It's also an addiction. I agree that it's a really powerful one but it will cease one day if you have discipline and not try to look for that person in any way
Bro move on..😃😀
At least those three things don't lead you on, lie, steal, or cheat on you.
It mostly seems like it is a matter of managing expectations. I wish it wasnt so hard.
Mature woman.
Yes! Very well said! And, truly hard at times.
Right, managing expectations. You only feel the pain of rejection when you think you have a shot at the person. You think it is a possibility and your mind holds on to that fact and want to make it true. When it does not happen, then you have a lot of love energy with nowhere to go.
I think there is a lot of fantasizing that goes into unrequited love. The person feeling it projects a number of qualities or thinks the object of unrequited love will magically make them feel different about themselves, or the object of love being perfect, flawless.... I also think a person feeling persistent unrequited love often is someone that grew accustomed in childhood to feeling rejected by caregivers and now has come to associate love with chasing. It's not unusual to hear stories of people spending years in a state of unrequited love but if the object of love then finally falls for them, person A falls out of love. I suppose unrequited love can be a form of avoidance too.
Yes. They are on love with their idealised (idolized!) Person...they have no idea what it would really be like unless of course they still love after a break up...like I do, all these years after :( happy he is happy so it's real l love, i guess. Ow.
Have you ever read the book by Goethe called, "The Sorrows Of Young Werther?" It is a classic and describes the inner torment and very painful YEARNING about a woman he knows. He is dealing with his inner life of torment throughout the book. I am certain I still have that book. I should re-read it. I read it when I was 20. Now that I am "old" I may have a new appreciation.
YES Parents can and do initiate attachment styles in their children through early interactions. They are responsible when a their child becomes a person oriented into this type of state of "always wanting someone one cannot have."
In fact I know of a guy and both of his parents were alcoholics who fought constantly. They separated when he was maybe 18 or so in the late 60's when he was off at college for the first time and didn't yet even know the basics of taking care of himself, and then his mom who already had mental health issues through out her adult life, which had only worsened, killed herself.
I heard from a relative that he will have this mental health issue where he will have a crush on a woman he sees around a campus or something and usually she is married and unobtainable. He develops a crush and a fantasy life about her and then he becomes so depressed that he has to seek therapy and go on medication. Thank God he has gotten help. But the roots of this are in the neglect of his emotional and other needs as a young child. So he has a very anxious attachment style. I would say it is anxious avoidant. It is a painful thing to watch and to know that he has gone through this. This man just turned 70 and I know he will never marry. He is choosing a single celibate and lonely life. I do not think he does anything with pornography because I know he is conscientious and I know he is religious.
@@maidenmarian1 haha someone is going to be confused I wrote this on another comment....no, I've not read Goethe because I always assumed he would be too twee. I like another German write Hermann Hesse (rosshalde, Gertrude, siddharta). N8t German but I am in awe of Knut Hamsun ( read Hunger......so damn...modern, a leap in style and imagination, the unnamed protagonist, his pride is ridiculous. Anyhoo.
@@maidenmarian1 ..just read the plot summary...I'll be honest...it would not be an enjoyable read For me. W sound like an absolute sap and i can't relate to the social settings or hos prissy yearning...I amvery judgemental... by that I mean, 8 know what I like..tone, attitudes....
@@HumanimalChannel Thanks for sharing. I never would have heard of it if it were not for a music professor I had who recommended it in 1977. It is hard to watch him suffer!
Hands down this is the best video for people trying to move on
I agree. I have been here in this discussing things for three days..
regan khadka except for this video only explains scenarios involving why or how there is a developed situation of unrequited love. It doesn’t say how to move on from the loss, for example, it doesn’t show steps person A should or could take to rise above the hurt.
I think it’s a tragedy when you know that someone likes you, but they reject you for superficial reasons, such as lack of money or status.
Joseph Logsdon .. or due to age.. we’ll also cuz they want to sleep around superficial stuff sux .. ):
Camille • I’ve contacted many older women online, but due to being only 24, most of them reject me.
Or rejected you cuz your fat
@@Msfili are you a "trollbaby?"
Never despise meager beginnings
This is a gut punch, having played both rolls. Insecure attachment is the biggest culprit IMO. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
True
I love Dr. Grande’s scaffolding analogy when talking about unrequited love. When a person first starts to feel an attraction for someone, they must make sure that the other person is feeling an attraction for them too! Not always easy to decipher, but necessary! As in scaffolding, you have to keep both sides level, or the relationship will ultimately collapse. If you see early on that your love is not being returned, then there is really no other recourse but to walk away. This is really hard to do, but it pales in comparison to the hurt you feel if unrequited love persists for years and years without being addressed. It only leads to deep hurt and heartbreak.
I have been person A many many times :( listening to this made me tear up with resurfaced pain :(those consequences are all very true.
I totally feel that!
My brother was person A. Person B was my best friend's sister. He wanted a romantic relationship. She just wanted to be friends. He couldn't leave it at that and there was the whole round of theatre visits, meals and expensive presents. He constantly tried to convince himself that she would come round and reciprocate his love. This continued for a very long time, over ten years. She tried to make it clear that she only wanted a platonic relationship. Maybe she didn't try hard enough but he didn't want to listen.I tried to advise him to let her go as the situation would eventually end badly, but he was sure that it would work out and she would come to love him back. She didn't. He turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows and he drank himself to death, my second brother to do this for similar reasons. At the funeral she was devastated when she realised that she was probably contributed towards the cause of his death. It wasn't suicide as such, his death was just a by-product of his sadness. It's tragic to see someone destroy himself over unrequited love.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling. It's still raw after fifteen years.
The woman was not at fault. There was seriously something wrong in their upbringing for them to fixate to that extent and then bury themselves in the bottle. That is in no way the action of a healthy and secure individual.
Matt Bonneville agree. Why would the woman feel guilty. Was she supposed to enter a relationship with a man she didn’t want to be with so he wouldn’t drink himself to death? It wasn’t love it was erotomania and the man needed professional help!
Disagree, if you don't want someone or someone doesn't want you You burn the whole bridge down, so there is no coming back ever from that. All that half weakass work leads to more pain. Every burned bridge has lead me to exponential spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth and each time to a new more furfilling path.
OMG, this is tragic. IMHO, in this modern world feelings must be expressed as early as possible, if there is no reciprocation for any reason - all potential ways romantic relationshipcould work must be destroyed. All hope must be eliminated and must move on ASAP.
That wasn’t rambling, that was a perfect recollection of something terrible that happened to someone close to you. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope anyone reading this realizes that their life is worth so much more, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Love isn't the problem. It's desire: that's the problem. They aren't the one and the same you know.
True
Facts
What to do with energy you have from unfullfilled sexual energy you feel for someone?
@@fantasiazplatkami Exercise.
@@fantasiazplatkami Get rid of it, lust should not be the basis of a relationship anyway.
If you love someone and they don't love you, nothing you do will make them. Let them go. Yes it hurts. Might be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, but it will make you stronger *if* you really let go as lovingly as possible.
But how tho
Thank you. So it basically most times comes to this : physical attraction. No matter how wealthy, how bright your future may be, how smart and intelligent you may be, it comes down to just physical attraction. You can not beat this, no matter how genuinely good you may be, how witty you are, or how much hard you try. At the end, all the efforts will not be reciprocated and you end up feeling devastated.
Initially it may be physical attraction but for a relationship to work other things are needed.
Right, physical attraction is the foundation.
I experienced unrequited love with a woman I met in grad school. We had a few dates, then she rejected me. But I continued to pursue her, we became very good friends, emotionally intimate but not physically intimate. We both had other partners but when I slept with my girlfriend it felt like I was cheating on my unrequited love interest. We spoke everyday, shared our innermost feelings, spent a lot of time together but no sex. Eventually she moved away to pursue her career and after a long time I gave up on her. One of the hardest things I ever did. A few years later I did meet someone else, we fell in love, got married, had a child and so forth. Never heard from my unrequited love interest again.
U did right👍👍!!
She was using you as an emotional tampon.
Got rejected by a girl and it feels like the whole world's rejecting me🤧
I'm seeing this comment months after and I'm hoping you've met someone wonderful by now 🌺
I think that "Let it go" and "move on" advice needs more detail. Sometimes a person desperately _wants_ to move on but the heartbreak just lingers and lingers and lingers, sometimes in odd cases for _years_. What do we do then? It certainly makes sense to approach all possible romantic liaisons this way from the outset, but sometimes it just doesn't happen this neatly. Sometimes you share a connection with someone who you see regularly (like at work) but they've got their sights set on someone else and every time you see them the whole attraction gets set off again. What do we do then?
This is one reason I tend to avoid even loose relationships if I can. I can't control how my brain and the chemicals in my body are going to react, so best to prevent the possibility of this happening.
That is not love, I think. That is obsession and is not healthy.
Seeing someone at work would be very difficult for anyone.
@@burcumariashow about actually answering the fucking question instead of throwing your opinion at it.
It disheartens me that this did not receive a proper answer. I need this answer. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what moving on or getting over someone is. Is it not wanting to be with them? Done. But it's not. And apparently no one else has an answer either. And that's fucking stupid. I deserve the love I'm trying to give away but no one has any advice on FUCKING HOW
Thank you for explaining this so clearly. Unrequited love sucks balls but it’s nice to hear people understand what the rejectees are going through, instead of just calling us desperate, entitled crazy people.
Exactly! People always think you’re crazy or delusional for loving someone who isn’t in a position to do the same. It’s not crazy, it’s brave actually. Someone is lucky to have a person be so devoted to them. Some people are never loved at all.
I also appreciated the comments "from the other side," about Person B, who often doesn't get any kind of positive air time in these discussions. So often (particularly in internet memes) I hear them described as ungrateful, or people who surely must have been sending false signals, or who don't know a good thing when they see it, or who aren't remotely worthy your love if they won't give it back, etc etc etc. I've been Person B and it really can be seriously painful from that end as well. I don't like causing pain to people, nor blamed and demonized for not being able to give someone what they want. Rejectees aren't desperate or crazy, either, although I know sometimes they might actually feel that way, when the grief is great. Life is hard and we all need to think about the pain others are going through, to understand as best as we can.
Real love is enough for someone to let go. TRUE.
True ,if you truly loved someone than u must be able to let gooo...!!!
That is an amazing video. From my perspective, Unrequited Love is the most beautiful mistake and pain you can get, because it growths you up, build you personally and let you love someone unconditionally. This love last forever, because it hasn't got jealousy, pressure or stuff of couple things, but just you love that person from bottom of your heart and soul...!
As far as I'm concerned the libido is the cruelest joke that Nature ever played on the human being.
YES. YES YES.
exactly
Agreed.
IT IS true. IT IS a crazy MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN CRUEL thing. If one is religious at all IT IS a LIVING Martyrdom. St.Augustine or Aquinas said that "virginity is a living martyrdom." If I ever have a chance I plan to argue with someone inside the gates immediately!!! i WILL START OUT WITH, "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!!!huh??"
Well, aging, dying, and witnessing everyone you love die is quite a cruel joke too.
This video is seemingly meant for me Dr. Grande. I just told my best friend I have feelings for him and he gave me the "you're important to me but not in that way" speech. Honestly I'm still wallowing. I don't develop feelings easily, and when I do, they're deep. I don't know how to cope with them now that I know for certain they're unrequited.
Amelia Nannette 😔
That's so sad. 😢
@Paritosh Jadhav Hehehe you can feel the bitterness, hey asshole it's not anyone's fault you're rejected, you can be attractive but still be rejected and suffer unrequited love, the thing with yourself is that you're ugly inside and out.
Hi Amelia; I know this situation is sad,, but it would have been worst if the one you had feeling for had not been honest with you not told you how he really felt. Being led on to believe something that is not so can lead to more heartache. At least you now know where you stand, and can go on from here.
The fact that you also don't develop feelings easily really resonated with me. I'm starting to believe that I'm a demisexual, that I only develop sexual attraction with a person I have a strong emotional bond with. A few months ago a friend and I got very close and definitely crossed the line of pure friendship, but a month ago he ended up telling me that he has a girlfriend now. This type of unrequited love left me completely heartbroken as we had been romantically envolved. I'm really trying to see the positives. Even though we might feel horrible at the moment, we know that we're able to feel deeply. Imagine being deeply in love with a person who loves you back! I'm sure you'll find the one some day who appreciates and loves you!
I used to be person "A". I still live with the guilt of my behavior
and how I flew apart at the seems, at the end of that relationship.
In the end, my dysfunction resulted not only in the loss of a lover,
but the loss of a good friend. To this day, I'm still ashamed.
If you're going through this, take my advice, let it go.
Rejecting is also hard. You wonder if you’re making a mistake by letting person A go. You don’t want to hurt person A. You can’t love person A but you can’t bear to see him struggle. The guilt, the shame of giving it all a chance and wanting it to work out but it simply cannot. I feel crushed. I’m so sad for my failure and for his. I’m burdened with losing someone that I admire and respect but do not love.
I know, I’ve been on both sides of this. Part of me wonders if my current pain is some kind of karma for rejecting that one woman. It’s so hard 😢
Somebody was interested in me once and I started to like him too because of their enthusiasm. Then I got a haircut and he stopped talking to me 🤷♀️
This literally made me laugh out loud😂😂😂
LOL 😂
🤣🤣🤣😂
Better not to be with someone that shallow
You should give your shredded hair to him as a gift for him to talk to 🤣🤣
Couple years ago i wrote this poem to mend my heart. After i wrote it i felt much better. It's called Secret. I hope you all enjoy it 🌻⚘🌼
I aint gonna let you in on a secret
I aint gonna let you find
That the feel for you
Is of the deepest
And the sweetest
Of kind
I aint gonna let you
Find and notice
You are always
Here within
Like a cherry
In the heart of candy
Like sounds of violine..
I aint gonna
Let you see it
-you bring joy to me
I can only know
You live it
Far away
As you may be
I aint gonna try
And say I love you
-words are evidence of lack
For this feeling
Wont be secret
Soon as you can feel it back
Well with a bit of edge-polishing you have a nice song there! Thank for sharing and your user name fits! ❤
@@lisalida6233 thank you Lisa ☺ appreciate your opinion. Thanks ☺☺☺
@@malabuha wow, that nice! What a beautiful treasure to find in the comment section.
Enjoyed your poem. Here’s mine from a similar situation as this:
In a vault on a seabed, it’s locked away.
Forever gone, forever out of reach for anyone.
With its key lost in an unknown ocean.
It’s safe; untouched and preserved.
Never to be found. Never to be lost.
It’s gone.
Frozen in time. Tucked in water’s embrace.
It’s safe.
In the trenches of the deepest of waters
It will be found, by no one.
Long after you & me are gone.
It shall remain,
Guarded by the rocks, sea and shadows of the reefs.
In my heart, the light reaches it.
Long after you & me are gone
A gift, for the civilisations that come after, to unveil.
Found in all it’s youthful glory, it will.
Tender and raw.
@@summydots oh very nice. Thank you for sharing it, i enjoyed it
Thank you Dr. Grande for your teaching, understanding and empathy.
Hello Dr Grande! Could you please maybe make a video on a topic of low self esteem?
I am very much interested in ways of how to cope, or rather say get out of, the circle of:
'I am not worthy of good things -
Somebody giving me a little appreciation -
Inner anxiety & fighting thinking "something is wrong here"/"I am not actually worthy of such gratitude/appreciation"-
Self hate'
+ additional moment of usually falling in love with people appreciating me, or at least finding them more attractive after that happening, and also this way kind of expecting them to give me more of that appreciation.
Your videos are always so interesting to watch! Thank you for helping with breaking the stigma and doing what you do 💛
Abby från Ryssland everytime you catch yourself in that loop, bring yourself to the present moment.
It’s really hard to do you have to rewire the way you think and talk to yourself.
Abby fran Ryssland I like your comments and questions here.
Keep telling yourself you are worthy and dont look for hapiness where you found sadness.
It takes time but nowadays when i think about myself i feel a sense of selflove and Pride.
@@andreasleonlandgren3092 YES! YES!
@@geoninja3631 That is true. If you fall "under someone's thrall" you are losing yourself and losing ground. Don't give up ground. You need time to see who this person really IS.
They need Dr Grande in schools. I spent 11 years in the public school system and nobody taught me any of this. Much to my detriment. Hope this wisdom reaches some young folks via youtube.
There is another common scenario of unrequited love that you didn't talk about, Dr Grande. Person B does find person A physically attractive, but they're not interested in anything deeper, and person A only realizes that this is the case after developing feelings.
It's been 35 years since the girl of my dreams rejected me and it still haunts me to this day. Furthermore, I just discovered a few weeks ago that a good friend of mine from that time, who worked with both of us, passed away 3 years ago. I still have questions from those days that I think he was uniquely qualified to answer but those questions must now go forever unanswered. This video was hard to watch in a lot of ways.
unrequited love and letting go is one package of pain
the hardest is accept and stop fighting for them, to make them notice U
This is where the "uncontrolled emotion" and "favorite person" combine. The 10,000 volts of infatuation drives the compulsion to contact a woman several times a day. I recently experienced this with a woman who actually liked me. It didn't take long for her to cut me off. I am embarrassed and humiliated. Thank you for explaining this and giving some practical advice.
I’d like to add my take on the idea of Unrequited Love. For many of us there is more to the idea of who we are attracted to than just physical appearance. People often attempt to recreate their unmet nurturing needs from childhood through the partners we become attracted to. If we had a parent who was emotionally unavailable, we will often find ourselves attracted to the same. For one, this type of relationship may feel comfortable to us because it’s familiar. Secondly, we may try to act out the same attempts to get that love we did not receive from our parents. When someone finds themselves repeatedly attracted to the same type of person and these relationships do not last - or are unrequited- it might be helpful to examine our underlying motives. I also believe that friendships and romantic relationships are not mutually exclusive; in fact, getting to know someone over time as a good friend lays a strong foundation for a long term, loving and intimate partnership.
Reminds me of Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me if you don't" :)
“I will feel its power ... but you won’t, no, you won’t”. Great song. I’ve sung it in performance.
I'm in the situation of person A, and this song has definitely come into my head.
Such an incredibly haunting and beautiful song. One of my faves!
Very true...
I always felt I was a slightly above average person in terms of physical attractiveness. Feminine facial features, almond eyes, petite yet curvy figure, not too short or too tall, a sprinkle of freckles across my nose and cheeks, long healthy curly hair, a nice smile and voice and a kind but a bit of a nerdy personality and yet I experienced unrequited love. 💔
I believe I lacked the confidence and at the time I met this young man, I just gave it all away up front. No not THAT lol but emotionally I laid it all out for him.
I remember one night we spent New Years Eve together and after the clock struck midnight and everyone was celebrating, I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer and declared "I Love You!" His response? "I know"....... Ouch! Now I admit I could have played my cards a bit closer to the chest but honestly I just wasn't what he was attracted to. He admitted to me he preferred tom boyish girls lol go figure. He liked me ONLY as a friend to hang out with. Plus he was younger than me. I felt foolish but I learned the heart wants what it wants. Love cannot be forced. And if someone has a type, they most likely are not going to deviate from that no matter how awesome, sweet, giving and good looking you are. 🤷♀️
After that disappointment, I ended up meeting a wonderful man while at a karaoke bar whom I eventually married. Hes nerdy like me, has a great smile, is hardworking, supportive, so sweet and smart and makes me laugh! Point is, Theres somebody for everybody. If you're ever rejected, know theres someone out there who wants, desires and will love you for YOU. Be patient, be open and love yourself in the meantime cause you're awesome and you do deserve LOVE!
Welcome to what the VAST majority of men faced for the past 60 years thanks to the "sexual revolution." It's far worse for men for a number of reasons. Starting with the fact there are far more available single men than available single women out there. It's now at least two to one, and many men never have, never will find anyone. When men never find love, hate and violence will find them. That is what we are seeing on the streets right now.
@@taraswertelecki3786 Wait a minute!! From my end, it's like all the guys have been taken. I guess it depends on location, needs/priorities, desires and self-esteem. I don't think it's the sexual revolution tbh, I think it's the Kardashian revolution. Every girl is expected to look like a fuck toy.
@@yb958
100% of women only go for the top 20% of guys. There are plenty of dating apps data studies showing this.
This leaves 80% of men pretty much invisible.
By contrast, almost any woman can get "some" type of man. Even the morbidly obese women.
When you’ve been married for many years and have kids together it sure is hard to let go. I know. I tried to no avail. If only I could have believed in myself afterwards. At the time I needed to my strongest I couldn’t. I wound up escaping pain with addiction once my wife and kids left. It has been six years and I’ve caused myself a lot of pain. I had it all together when I was married. I had values and goals. Then I thought I had nothing to live for. What I’ve found is that things can get worse. So I keep picking myself up and try again. I get a lot from watching these videos. I have great relationship with my youngest 18 year old daughter. Not so much with my 21 year old daughter. But I love her and have to keep trying.
Gary Smith just keep on picking yourself up mate. You’ll be alright.
John Battalgazi thank you John. Nice to know there are caring people out there
Unrequited love is a potent hard lesson, but a lesson, nonetheless. I'm learning to define what loves means for me and to validate myself so that I'm not searching for it in others. I like the quote: "Stop caring that everyone doesn't like you. You don't even like everyone." True story.
To my own unrequited love, thanks for the *good* memories. 🧘🏻♀️
I always thought unrequited love was brilliant. I had my own fantasies of our life together which I found quite nice. Clearly he didnt love me, but I loved him, and my day dreams were good enough. I have had a lot of experience with really bad relationships and had no reason to believe that the relationship would be any different from previous ones so in my thoughts it was a relationship without his ( or my ) obvious flaws.
When I met my husband it seemed that we were equally attracted to each other and scaled together easily. After 6 years of marriage, my husband does not listen when I speak, he is work obsessed and although he is continually attempting to offer reasons for his distance (an extremely stressful job he began 6 months ago) something has changed. Each time I have not believed in my own judgement, I have been sorry to have been right after all. We are separated. I came to NY to finish my book, he remains in Atlanta. I’ve felt better since I’ve left. It simply seems to me that it’s nearly impossible to sustain authentic love within the construct of a religious difference, a cultural difference, an age difference (he is much, much younger than I) and a language barrier. I did not need to go to MIT or be a member of MENSA to have thought this through from the beginning, however, I simply didn’t, I was a much different person 6 years ago. Moreover, I’m simply too damn tired to be either person A or person B. I’m going to be person C, the one who plays the field. 😞
I am 32 years old, I had only one girlfriend who cheated on me, I have been rejected countless times, but I can honestly say that unrequited love is the purest form of love
Most romantic too
I did not have much guidance in life, had to learn most things the hard way and I still make mistakes...but as an adult I can confirm that it doesn't matter HOW beautiful, witty, cute, charming or financially successful you are... EVERYONE will experience broken relationships and love not being returned. It hurts a lot and one feels ugly and like a failure, it is simply NOT true...it is just not the right person for you. Best just to move on, don't beat yourself up or move too quickly into another relationship. 🤗
Sucks when you were with someone, lost them, and now you see them with someone better. That is literally them telling you that you aren't good enough.
"You don't know what love is/
Until you've learned the meaning
of the blues/
Until you've loved a love you've
had to lose/
You don't know what love is."
What song is this?
I love, " I cant make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't...."
Sung by Bonnie Raitt
One if the most beautiful songs ever written!!!!💕💕💕🎃🎃
@@maidenmarian1
That is one of Bonnie's best recordings,
and it's perfect for Dr. G's topic of the evening.
"You Don't Know What Love Is" is a jazz standard out of the Forties. Many recordings of it have been made, and, I imagine,
many nights have been passed by people drinking and ruminating on unrequited love while this old song played in the background.
Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone, and many others have recorded it.
Edit: (I like Bonnie's cover of "Angel From Montgomery," too; she's really all over that song in the video on TH-cam.)🎃
@@JohnPaul-le4pf Thanks John Paul, I plan to look up that song you mentioned, both actually. Thanks again!!!
@@maidenmarian1 You are welcome. "I Can't Make You Love Me" would be perfect playing over the opening of Dr. Grande's video.
Thank you.
Edit: If I may make one more suggestion: try Eric Clapton's "Bell Bottom Blues," if you haven't already (and I assume you have).
That's certainly a classic wail of unrequited love.
@@maidenmarian1 oh I love that song but anytime I hear it I burst into tears I wonder how common unrequited love is it definitely is the most painful feeling I've ever had
Unrequited love can be a projection of ideal self. Person a thinks person b is awesome and wants to be considered a worthy mate for person b, who is out of person a's actual current league. But I've seen a lot of person a people improve themselves and maintain those improvements. Person b is long gone, but now person a has gone up a notch in mate rankings. (More money, lost weight, etc)
Another very enlightening video. Watching this has been an educational experience. Thank you
Loving someone more than they loved you is not something to be ashamed of. Your love is strong and always will be. Their love was shallow and will be with their next partner who’s love will match theirs.
Having another girl chosen by this dude over me, it hurt yea but you gotta move on as soon as you can, to get on with your life
Some people just weren't suited for each other move on and find someone who fits with you
Wow. Very good insight, I just went through this. I was person A, I gave and did everything for person B. However, person B, instead of being upfront about what they wanted, they mislead me, and even pursued me a few times after I tried to leave, just for me to come back and be rejected again. I actually had to end up blocking person B just to end the cycle. But it just sent me deep into my emotions and now I'm struggling to put the pieces back to my crazy puzzle. It's a mess. Thank yoy for this video. It definitely put some things into perspective.
Love as a 'CONTROL' or a 'Bargain Chip.' --- a stepping stone to get across a pond of emotional acid.
Unrequited love is the hardest thing to deal with. “Do not pursue it usually ends badly”. So true!
In my experience With being rejected By a potential romantic partner I thought all those Women I wouldn't trade my wife for so it's always better to just get over it right away cause there's always something better then somebody who doesn't want you back
My fiancée left me on January 1st. We had been together for 8 years. I loved him more than anything, anyone in this world. He changed overnight, in the blink of an eye, and left everything we owned and drove away. He told me he no longer wants the relationship and he's been trying to leave for 7 years. I had no idea. He left and never came back. Abandoned me, our pets, our things, our home... There is no other woman, there are no drugs involved. Just... snapped. I am so confused, sad, and lonely. Suicide has been on my mind constantly. I am so worried about him.
Hey Doc, I'm a fan, but I felt this discussion to be a bit shallow. Unrequited love is extremely powerful, and often leads to permanent effects to one's ego. For example, this happened to me, and precipitated the first symptoms of my bipolar disorder which manifest a few months of self-destruction after the event. You are right, the feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, unworthiness, foolishness, and a certain cynicism and misanthropy are there, but you don't really discuss how to overcome this or what is to be learned from this. "Moving on" is simply not an option in the face of permanent, or at least, long lasting effects to one's psyche. There may be a lesson to be learned, but as you mentioned, person A is often left without an honest answer as to why the love wasn't requited. And I can honestly say that is probably the worst part about unrequited love. It's the lack of solid reasons, the doubt, and the anxiety of trying to figure out things that don't have a clear answer. So the effects seem to compound, where you are unable to know what to learn from the situation, and at the same time you are chasing down answers to solve the problem in order to move on. Perhaps it is being unattractive, and learning to accept that love is based on shallow feelings. That would be easy enough to accept if the answer were clear. But even that answer has led to some dubious and harmful conclusions, because as someone who is objectively attractive to majority of women, it caused what feels like dysmorphia. Sure, attraction is relative and subjective, but I still have trouble accepting that people find me attractive since that time, despite plentiful evidence otherwise from most women.
I agree, it is a paradox. Unrequited love can hardly be called love. True, the best way to love someone is to let them go, but that's really not going to lead to a good or fulfilling life for the unrequited. The answer, to me, seems almost a spiritual acceptance of this life being lived for a sense of loss. It seems existentially punitive. If you are to accept that love is mutual, and that what you had before was a lie, you have to accept that you can't trust your feelings. And that's the real paradox. Your emotions and life are invalid and untrustworthy. You can't get over that, and you can't really love again. She's moved on and had a family, and I can't get over it over half a decade later. I have grown astoundingly stoic from this, but also astoundingly, and what seems to be, irreparably, alone.
Mr. Bell, I can underline everything you wrote here. Shortly after the rejection I developed Bipolar 2 and an autoimmune disease. The chronic emotional and existential pain and uncertainty deriving from not understanding the big picture have accompagnied my life for the last 20 years, despite so many efforts, I've undertaken to understand these problems. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you.
@M Z Dear, this happened to him and me. This doesn't mean, that it will happen to you! Hugs to you.❤
@M Z No. I had bad luck. The human mind is actually quite resilient. It takes a lot of stressors and a genetic vulnerability to develop a mental illness. However I've read hundreds of case studies and rejection and break ups are quite common triggers for mood and anxiety disorders.
M Z, Don't be afraid to get hurt. Though I wish I could take the whole thing back, what happened is better than avoiding love my entire life out of fear. You don't have any legitimate reason to be that cynical about love yet ;p. Also, there were plenty of other factors and events and genetic predispositions that led to my diagnosis. I do not blame her or any one thing in particular. Bipolar is actually kinda awesome in some ways. Mania gives me a perspective on life ppl need to take lots of hallucinogens to achieve, lol. Psychosis is absolutely terrifying, and being institutionalized against your will is traumatizing but I'm grateful for my condition in some ways.
To Mrs. Reluctant, that is a sad tale, and I suspect that's what is in store for me as I grow older too. But I do think the suffering and loss and denial and confusion will have some purpose when our lives are over. I don't know what that is or why it had to be this way, but I somehow know it is true. And it's never too late to settle for relationships that bring you some joy and fulfillment, even if you lost your chance at the big one.
@M Z Give me some time to answer to this. Hugs to you.❤
Why is it that when we realize it's unrequited love, we know the logical & best thing to do is walk away, never look back & move on, ehich I did.... yet it's 35 years later & the person has recently passed.....I lived my life yet could never forget this person even when I was very happily involved with someone else.....Now he has recently passed & he's on my mind more ever and I am dreaming about him when I never did before. I don't want to dream about him. I wish I didn't know that he had passed....Maybe it is me experiencing a second loss of this person? .....I need this to stop.
Thank you so much for this. I've had unrequited love for the same man for many many years and it has weighed heavily on me but you are right. If you love them you can let them go.
I'm going through this right now. And it's all the more painful given the last year of quarantine. But Like Dr Grande said, it's just temporary. And I'm taking comfort in the thought that it means I have a capacity to love and imagine love.
I needed this. I told my best friend I liked him yesterday and he didn't like me back. (Which I already knew he didn't). Thank you.
Unrequited love caused by his parents pulling him away. We reunited 3x over the years. This year he remarried......not to me. Claims he still loves me, but loves her more. Known him since we were 16. Now we're is 60, I love him, it hurts, but i have no use for him.
Wow that's deep. 💓💔❤️
Person A (me) knew the feelings would never be reciprocated so she chose to be muted around person B ( the person I'm attracted to), going on three years now. I would never wish Person B to feel obligated or miserable. So never speaking to him is my way of coping with the rejection.
May not be the wisest move. Sometimes pain is necessary for healing, but having done the opposite of you and still dealing with for the last 3 years, maybe there is no good answer. It just sucks. Its a shitsandwich. And we have to take a bite
Dr. Grande can you do a video on how to love yourself? How does one learn to love themselves well enough so that they do not have reality distortions, or the need to project, or fear of rejection?
My Logic Is You Cannot Truly Loose Anything you never had 🕊
This is true but our perception is our reality.
You can NOT HAVE something you've never had though, so yeah
Could you please also make a video about the consequences of long term unrequited love and the damage it can cause to your future relationships?
If you carry on with unrequited love for too long, you‘ll not only damage yourself mentally and emotionally, you may also involuntarily inflict emotional abuse on the very person you’ll be lucky enough to meet in the future who will love you and accept you as you are!
I dated a man who previously held on to a woman who no longer loved him for 10 years. The consequence was self loathing, resentment, feeling worthless and unworthy of love. He chased me for 6 months and when I got to know him better and returned his feelings, he took me for granted and treated me as though I was worthless as well. Instead of being happy and appreciative of how lucky he was to have me, he acted as though there must be something wrong with me that I would wanted to be with him!
wow. how are you getting along now?
you cant just blame that on his past experience. he simply didnt reciprocate your feelings towards him for whatever reason. but it makes no sense to say he treated you poorly because he saw himself differently after his situation. he probably just wasnt over her and wasnt willing to open his heart to you or anyone at the time.
Unrequited Love is especially hard when Person B deliberately leads Person A on with little or no intention of having a relationship with him.
A 2 year casual relationship of mine recently escalated in intensity, and I fell in love with her. Problem is she "doesn't want anything serious right now" which I'm wise enough to know isn't a generalisation, that sentence could have been ended as "with you"
It hurts a lot. Although I've just discovered this term Unrequited Love, and now that I know what I'm suffering from, I have a point from which I can start to rationalize it and try to move on.
A very dramatic scenario is when both are highly emotional and one is feeling hot and then cold about the other when the other is on the opposite side of the spectrum. Both can make irrational choices that cost them a lot in all aspects - mental and physical health, relationships, finances, etc.
I would say the most frusterating thing about dating in todays world is texting. I have a hard time getting to know someone and expressing my full personality through my phone.
It’s so hard when the other person is a dear friend. I want to move on and let go of these feelings but I don’t want to end our friendship because it’s such an important relationship and it would be unfair to them because it’s not their fault this has happened. Taking time off has helped a lot though
What do you call love that just doesn't go away and has no conditions? Like, you just want the best for that person and don't need to get anything out of it? You may not get what you want, but you will always care about them and hope they are happy kind of love?
I dated a guy on and off for a long time. Finally gave him the ultimatum to either make a commitment or we were done. Wished he walked away. Threw the whole dynamic of our marriage off from the very beginning.
OH NO. NOOOO!
Not a good plan. Men are often insecure and don't know what they really want.
@@MrLuigiFercotti Thank you Matt for admitting that. That is more honest than what some men post about how men might think or what they may feel and if they were encouraged to admit the truth, maybe this would be what they'd say..
The idea of giving a guy an ultimatum was a popular idea that I used to hear about women doing, for a while, but what things end up like are at time not anywhere near what the two people would have wanted.
@@MrLuigiFercotti "I don't know. " is a valid answer. It is better than moving forward when you should separate.
loved the video and read almost all the comments. have an unrequited love for an adult student of mine, 9 years younger than me and she kindly rejected me initially and has been actively avoiding me in the small town that we are living in. then i insisted and things are turning out worse. it has been really humiliating for me and last week her brother called me and said if i keep on reaching out to her things will turn legal.
moral of the story: do not focus on your own feelings but rather ask about your potential partners' dreams and purposes before cathing feelings. this is much more respectful and appropriate. MORE IMPORTANTLY make them know their places before putting them on a pedestal.
fantastic topic Dr Grande! i am writing on this as well....if you look at people who've suffered from this Marilyn Monre, for example, how their lives went, not a big secret how their hearts can be so broken thank you!
“Unrequited love is really a temporary experience that moves somebody to break off a relationship…” bam right there. Thank you
You missed the unrequited love where A & B know each another very well & it leads into love for person A. They do the right thing by being direct, being rejected & dropping the subject. They to date other people & truly want only the best for parson B & their new spouse but they’re STILL in love with person A & can’t emotionally commit to anyone else. What’s your advice then?
Any advice from you now? I'm going through the same shit. You know how much it hurts.
@Eterne totally agree with you. The image of someone or a scenario in a persons mind can be much more rooted in fantasy than reality. What we really want if we were realistic with ourselves, just isn’t there.
" I don't need love..for good will love do me? Diamonds never lie to me; for when love's gone..they luster on. "
Diamonds Are Forever
Sung by Dame Shirley Bassey, 1971.
He pursued me just lead me on and use me all while truly loving someone else...... and when the truth came out it was revealed that he never loved me at all.....
it was all a game to him....and now he’s happily ever after with someone else ....
The joke was on me the whole time ....
I can’t deal with this .... it’s too much
Oh my god I'm so sorry you've experienced that. It was such a cruel thing to do from his part 😞 I can't understand how one can use a person to forget someone else. I've experienced that situation too and it was soul-crushing. I still feel the consequences of it and lost all sense of self-esteem after what happened ...and to be honest I still struggle with anger and that feeling of injustice /betrayal
Helpful and informative. Hearing the facts, in a sincere tone of voice is soothing. It fascinates me how Dr. Grande talks about these emotional topics, without emotion but soothes the listener with the facts and science delivered in a kind timber.
Good video. I was in this situation. I let go. It sucked but, not for long. Now, there are no romantic feelings what so ever and we're still friends. I definitely learned a lot! Great message Dr. Grande, so true. God bless💗💗💗
Good for you! Thank you for sharing that. It gives me hope for my healing and that maybe someday I’ll be able to appreciate this person as they are, not as I want them to be ❤
@@sithticklefingers7255 hang in there, there is someone that will want you, for you. Ps. Now they want to date me, now that I don't pay attention to them🙄 go figure lol.
This video was aimed at me personally, but hope springs eternal and that's about all I can say.
I had a terrible experience of unrequited love in Junior high school. I had a crush on a cheerleader. I was back then scrawny and one of the smallest in the class. I used to drop love notes in her locker. I one day pushed things too far and blocked her from walking past me. She assualted me kicking me in the shins repeatedly.
That set off a pattern of unrequited love that has yet to end. Abusive marraiges, being told there is no chemistry from one person after another. I have learned to love myself and be content being single.
I think you should see a counselor who can help you get past this.
@@maidenmarian1 did you read the last sentence of my comment? I have gotten past it by educating myself about this topic. I love myself and am content being single. Free of any addiction to porn or anything else. I have not given up on women, relationships or marraige, but I realize that rejection isn't just about me. Many women are attracted to the wrong types of men due to their own unresolved internal issues. So, I am very cautious. I will not get involved with any woman who is narcissistic.
Yes, I read it, especially now that you asked me to read it. Yes. One of my exes will never marry. Some people reach a point where they are content and I am kind of there now and I know a few other people who are probably there too. You have endured a lot. It wears a person out, too.
@@travelerwalker4961 I am glad to read all of this. Thanks for pointing out these key points in your comment. Everything you have observed makes good sense. Women can make bad choices very frequently. I am especially happy for you that you do not experience being addicted to porn. It is good to hear that.
I don't mind being unloved. What really hurt me is to get a really bad rejection. When I confessed to the lady I fell in love with, she said she was disgusted by me and my love is an insult to her. She called me trash. I have been depressed since then and it has been three years. I don't know when the pain will stop and I just don't feel happy anymore for anything. I am just walking dead. I hope no one will get what I got.
Wow, I’m sorry she treated you that way 😢 You’re not the trash for expressing how you felt, I believe you are brave. It’s her that’s trash. she acted so rude and didn’t even have the quality of treating others with basic human respect to reject you properly. Even if she doesn’t like you, who would treat another human being this way? through insults KNOWING that it’s someone that likes them THUS the words would cut deeper.
Trash took itself out. She’s not a good person
this lady sounds like trash:( Life will teach her a lesson
I think "it's not you, it's me" is quite possible, however people usually don't recognize that feeling inferior and unlovable is at the root of being afraid of love and rejecting a potential partner.
I've been there, and it's rough. The situation was particularly bizarre, which only enforced the love. When the man you love that doesn't love you winds up in a coma, and then becomes permanently disabled as a result, it's hard to really move on easily. There's even some guilt like "If I was more loveable, and he fell in love with me, would he have been in that car?" " If I had never told him how I felt, or an interaction we had had somehow gone differently, would the difference in time have prevented the accident?" Or worst of all "If I hadn't overslept at that sleepover, and had gone with my friend to see him three days before the accident like I was supposed to, would things have gone differently?" The thing with an accident like that is that so many little things, one split second could have changed the outcome. The butterfly effect. On the other hand, if any of those things had happened differently, altering time by a moment, would he have died back in 1999? It was a very near thing. It might still kill him, he's been back in the hospital again for months. Outwardly, I moved on, got married, had children. Inwardly, it took 15 years for me to fully learn how to love him only as a friend. It wasn't an obsession, it truly was love. I never wanted anything but his happinesses, and the best for him in life.
Thanks Dr Grande! As usual so well presented and well explained! I really appreciate your work. 🙂
This is fair a assessment. No one really wants to settle but be satisfied with their partner and will someday roll over from bed and look at them and think, ' I've made the right choice to be with this person till death.' If not, it will bring unease and regret.
Who wants that feeling if that's from the other partner. It's just not reciprocated feelings. I agree with your scaffolding analogy. It seemed proper.
No one wants to feel more or less what they feel and having a partner that feels unequal to you; whether more or less, is uneasy and frustrating. It seems to be am factor.
Still, brilliant shelling of information as usual.
Thanks for sharing, Dr. Grande.
I loved this! Another great video. Do you have any videos that cover self-harm? If not I hope you would consider covering that topic!
Wow - that was an education for helping me figure things out after the fact. Thank you so much.
I dated a guy who I wasn’t attracted to but hoped I would become attracted to because we got along so well, had the same values and he was a wonderful person. He wasn’t even unattractive, I just didn’t have romantic feelings for him. Needless to say... I had to break up with him because it wasn’t enough for me, and I felt guilty about not being on the same level of feelings.
This happened to me, too. Met a terrific guy. He checked all the boxes of what I wanted. Enjoyed our time together but I wasn't attracted to him like a man wants to be attracted to his woman. I cared about him but I didn't desire him. I didn't realize he was getting serious after 3-4 months. I couldn't say I love you when he said it to me. I broke his heart. What could I do?
I've had this - most people have in life which is why not every relationship works out. One of these relationships I've had I was a rebound. As a spin-off to this video, maybe you could cover rebounding if it's enough to do a video on. Also obsession. This is where in your video person A is rejected by person B but continues to pursue out of obsession. Maybe a video on how to put out the flames of obsession before it makes a situation worse. I've been guilty of obsession in my younger years and learned the hard way (more than once - because I didn't recognize it in myself) that obsession is bad and better to tame it than be consumed by it. Some of this is maturity but it's also an abnormality when it goes extreme and gets out of hand. Thank you so much for your insightful and thorough videos. These videos are really a generous public service in many ways.
I have a few questions after watching this video. How common is it for a person to reject someone of similar physical attractiveness because they themselves haven't set realistic expectations yet? Are relationships between two unattractive people unsuccessful more often than those between attractive people because unattractive people are inclined to set their expectations too high? Thanks for all the videos and please keep them coming!
The most important thing to have is an emotional standard against which you judge a potential relationship partner. That emotional standard is your normative emotional state, and thus, your relationship with yourself on a fundamental level that transcends contrived notions of self. If this relationship is poor, then your emotional standard will be very low. This means that the people who you compare them to will have a lower standard that they have to pass in order for you to accept into your life. If your standard is high, then you will be less willing to accept someone who disturbs that. If you are able to achieve a natural state through which joy and bliss is your baseline, thus symbolizing higher consciousness, then it becomes very easy to determine which person you will accept or disallow from entering you life because of how apparent it is. And you'll be less inclined to project higher qualities onto those who lack them out of the need to elevate them to a state to compensate for your insecurity.
As usual I learned a lot. I think I’ve been on all sides of this fence. Thank you DrGrande. Have a great weekend.😉
I have been on the fence too!
Person B is making me really sad with this reasoning. My heart is still VERY much broken.