My long term narcissist knows that I know. He is no longer the focus in my life. I set strong boundaries. I can’t divorce him due to my faith, but I feel in control now and he knows it. Thanks Dannish. Your help has been invaluable.
It's not easy but can be done. Their are consequences though. My oldest son has lost respect for me because I did the job his father should have. My youngest son, it's the opposite. 🙏
That’s why my dad is with my mom. As a free housekeeper, maid, cook, slave, ear to listen to his hours long monologues about himself. My brother and I wouldn’t even visit if it weren’t for her. Not that he cares, he wouldn’t care if he never saw my brother or me again. And he could not care less about my mom at all. So sad because they are late 70s and she will probably pass without ever knowing true love or kindness from a man.
My ex had a first marriage that lasted 20 years. Our marriage lasted 23. He used to brag "I got 20 years out of it" referencing his first marriage. Remember, they are parasites. They want to milk it for as long as they can get benefit. I also believe it pleased him to witness how HARD the spouse was trying all those years to keep things together. There is a degree of sadism.
The truth is that narcissists try to keep the marriage by controlling their partners. If the partner doesn't know he/she's a narcissist, they will charm you like they did not treat you bad at all. The unsuspecting supply will forgive and forget. Little she/he knew that was love bombing trick of the narcissists. It's a repeatative thing to happen until you realize he's using you for supply. Sometimes, it takes 20 years to understand.
😆My ex married my friend, who is also a malignant narcissist, too. I pray they stay married forever. They deserve each other. I wasn't short of losses, but I have my life back😅 🙂👌
A narcissist will stay married as long as they can "get away with it." I was married for 28 years to one of these parasites, after being raised by two of them. I did not even know what a narcissist was until about a year before I left my now ex. What a waste. This education is so important.
@@1stBorn538 Same, my friend. For most of my life I believed all issues arose from me being deficient and unlovable. Boy are the narcissists mad that I realized what is up. The smear is in full bloom.
When you grow up with crazy narcissistic parents you think living like this is normal. I had no clue anything was wrong. Covert narcissism is beyond evil. Of all the things I have lost over this nightmare my health and my sanity took the biggest toll. I wish you well.
@rubberbiscuit99 My parents are religious narcs and used the bible to manipulate and control what they wanted outta us, and when it didn't work any longer, they would devalue & distance themselves, and now I've gone no contact got tired of being everybody's scapegoat, the one with all of the issues, no one had a problem except me, tired of my mother and her shenanigans in her 70s now and she's still trangulating me between her & my narc brother. I just wanna live my life in peace away from the drama, the confusion, and everything else comes along with them. It strips everything from you and waste so much of your time focusing on them.
there's nobody more single than the married narcissist, and nobody more lonely than the married narcissist's spouse. 💯 cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Toward the end I would tell him I felt more like his mother than wife. Wow! This is why. He kept saying how much he loved me, etc and cry. One day I said Let me ask you something (married 30 years) Do you love me that much or you don't know what you would fo) (he was 79/I was72) He looked at me and said Where would I go/ what would I do. I jumped up and said- that is the first truth you have said thru this whole ordeal!
Do not ignore🚩🚩 🚩& trust your intuition. I’m finally divorcing after 30+ years w/a narcissist. Looking back I realize that he took advantage of my empathic nature & breadcrumbed me. If I’d I known what a narcissist was I never would’ve married him. Don’t waste your life,folks,get out at the first🚩because a narcissist never changes.
I am in the middle of divorcing a narcissist now after 1 year of marriage. I can't wait for the divorce to be finalised! Leaving him is the best decision of my life.
I took courage and divorced an emotional vampire after 30 yrs of marriage. No contact. 3 yrs later I'm living my BEST life with Peace, Joy and Contentment. 🙌🏾
This is why people need to stop thinking a long marriage means successful marriage. Also many times it’s because they found some meek, mild tempered, forgiving person to manipulate. If they ran into someone more no-nonsense, it probably wouldn’t last that long.
On our 15th year anniversary my narc spouse took me to HAWAI. Later I found out he asked his girlfriend to go with him and she turned him down. I got the Lucky 2nd place ribbon. I have nausea thinking about the creepy moves the guy made. Isn't that something even after I broke our relationship the ugly narc still influences my life. Enough!!!
@@sarahwagland1559 When it comes to relationships, nope. It’s two insecure individuals that use and tolerate each other for their own selfish needs and wants all for the fear of being alone. They are full of lies, deceit and manipulative manipulation due to hate which comes from fear. This is all relationships. Everyone is using everyone. If everyone truly knew what everyone was thinking then no one would have any friends. This is not an opinion
19 years of marriage and the divorce will soon be final. I was his servant, slave, and verbal punching bag. I was a single parent the entire time, with no help. They use and take advantage of good people. Don’t waste another day, find your way out and leave the monster to his evil self. Great insight Danish ❤
Ditto for me. Except added years of physical abuse too…only now I’m learning about narcissists and he’s exactly that. Not able to divorce or move out though as he has always sucked up my time, energy and I’m still single parenting my two children
I was married to a narcissist for 32 years. We stayed married because he convinced me all our troubles were because of me. So I spent a lot of time trying to fix me so our marriage would be better. It's crazy that it took me 32 years to realize it was him.
I’m kinda in the same boat. Been married 30 years and we raise our grandkids so I feel stuck because I can’t fail them and I can’t afford to leave and live on my own OR w: the girls
@@denisetienda9046 I'm sorry you are in that situation. That's a tough one and you are doing the right thing for others. We sacrifice ourselves. I hope and pray that things change for you and you can leave!!!
Actually they control you in every way and keep you isolated, this is their biggest trap, then you are crippled financially and have nowhere to go...but never give up keep your connection strong to the creator
The narcissist is getting value from the spouse --child care, cooking, cleaning, organizing social life, appearance of domestic tranquility, etc. Maybe she even has a job and brings in good money. He wants to have it all. As long as his spouse plays her role and doesn't ask too many questions he has no reason to leave.
Yep doing all the household chores, taking care of the kids and all their needs for years on end and nuturing, and she DOES have a good paying job to boot. All to be scooped up by a revengeful spouse. I HEAR ya.
Yes, true. And in my narc brother's case, he also used his wife to look after my elderly parents when they moved to be close to him. My old and sick mother told me with tears in her voice that he never visited them after the move.
Yes! That happened to me. I became a slave to get him to love me again. HE divorced me. This dude is older, and much less attractive. Refuses to go to the gym. Has to hold his man boobs going down the stairs. Yet, I was the ugly and rejected one. It blew my mind.
My brother is a narcissist and his wife is borderline. They’ve been married for many years and now have grown children. They’re attractive and successful. They’re horrible to each other at home but wonderful in public and their public image is everything to them. I’ve always thought that they might stay together until one murders the other.
@@loriosterweil982 Ignore that dumb comment. You don't sound jealous at all. I have the same: narc brother and borderline SIL. They present very well, are very successful. I have no idea how they are in private, though SIL once told me she can't bring up my brother's drinking because he will rage at her ...
A narcissists can stay married for decades because he is a master in playing a great show. He is a master in manipulating and deceiving people. Even intelligent people can´t easily detect a narcissist (especially if they don´t know anything about narcissm at all). And people stay with them because of dependence (at least I did) and also because of lazyness... (I admit that to myself). But I can assure you to be single is million times better than staying with such a person. Don´t be lazy and stand up for yourself - I did and till now I didn´t regret it. I stayed 19 years in that relationship. (It was a life-lesson for me).
I can admit I was dealing with codependency with the narc but never laziness. The abuse was stagnating, draining and kept me in a fog of depression and it was like a prison that I saw not escape from...
@@1stBorn538me too! Been separated from him since June. I think he’s very narcissistic, but I’m unsure if he has narcissistic personality disorder. I’m nowhere near qualified to diagnose. But I can say he was very manipulative, kept me in a depression fog, never apologized when we fought, and was verbally harsh to me.
I left 3 months ago after being married 32 years. I honestly didn't know there was a name for what he is. Once I started to research and understand, I realized it was never, ever going to change. I just couldn't anymore. Everything you say is 100% true.
Been married to my Narcissist husband has been just as you described. I am so waking up. He is a porno addict and I am a trophy. He is just like family, especially his Narcissistic mother and sister and yes he wants the inheritance and then I am going to be discard and I have been preparing for this.
I was married 35 years. Too afraid and broken to leave. It took a lot of courage. I left with nothing but a suitcase. I have never been happier.than since I left.
🙋🏻♀️25 years…. Sigh. The last 10 years were horribly lonely and sad. He was definitely in it for appearances. I FINALLY left him and I feel so happy, grateful, full of joy. I’m in a healthy relationship now and never thought anything could be so wonderful.
After 25 years I finally was able to get away. He took about everything and left me alone in poverty after taking my retirement investment. I am old and tired. My friends and family are gone. I am still better off now!! I have peace. I have moments of joy with my pets and nature. I'm learning all kinds of tricks to survive. Please get out no matter the cost! You can finally be free to be yourself. They are monsters.
THISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! But you will have the red flag of feeling alone in a marriage to one of them. I remember saying you are married but you move like you are single. He tried to say he had trust issues so was so used to being by himself all his life that he just moves that way. Oh if I had listened to my gut then, smh.
It was always about how things looked. Not just in a marriage, but in everything. I received flowers 2x when married, but never at home. They were sent to my work environment, to prove what a wonderful husband he was. So typical of a narc!!!
They punish the spouse, the kids and the family pet! When they need to just deal with & do the work to heal the dynamic with the parent or person that hurt them from childhood. So they can grow up emotionally & intellectually and be good human beings
You just described my sisters marriage to a narcissist. 50 years and it’s because she’s his personal slave. My father was a narcissist also. She was conditioned to serve endlessly. My mother and my sister have been subservient their whole life. 😮
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
My narcissistic husband is not leaving me for the same reason. He has ruined my career as a dermatologist in one city and brought me to other after convincing children to shift with him to another city. I don't fulfill any of his needs now. Not even food and will leave him soon
@6:50. That makes sense. My mother-in-law spent a month with us. I thought the visit went well. My husband drove her to the airport, then when he got home went absolutely ballistic on me yelling at me because his mother one day was sitting alone on our deck looking at the ocean and I did not go out and keep her company. She visited a month. Why would I need to be with her 24/7? His outburst was so crazy I knew it wasn't really to do with me. I think he was really, really mad at his Mom from something in his upbringing and couldn't confront her about it even now so bottled it up and tore in to me for no reason (We are divorced now, thankfully)
Similar kind of thing happened with me...he went to his mums place because of wedding preparations of his brother....came and blasted at me like crazy ....he ended up hitting me and my dad with his family at 1am and later he kept on changing his reasoning saying oh I was hungry or her dad caused it all ...but later when I took a deep note of incident he was angry on my dad because my dad wasn't letting him abuse me and what my dad said he told his family and his family caused all this increased anger ...they take revenge and keep grudges ...I'm divorcing him too ...
Mine only stayed with me because other people find me attractive. He expressed nonstop how disgusting he found me. However, loved hearing other men say how lucky he was. He loved that other woman paid attention to him trying to find out what I seen in him. People assumed there must be something amazing about him. Meanwhile, he actually thought of me as the least attractive, least interesting, least desirable woman in the world. He just liked having what other people wanted.
Thanks and know what? My older overt coke head sis and my bro who'se an adulterer with his wife's adult senior widowed mom (they're still married, she nabbed him by being my nd and sis just killed her 2 husbands with pure meanness) well they still (try to) deal with dementia diva, so thanks, I've got the key 🔑 to where she is but wouldn't know which door 🚪 should I want a look!
While my mom was the primary narcissistic parent, my dad stayed in this marriage & was so verbally abused it wasn’t even funny. My dad actually got the guts one day to ask my mom “do you love me? She answered “of course I do, why would you ask me that?” Dad said “then why do you treat me so bad all the time?” This is what my mom shared with me! She didn’t say how she responded but I can’t just imagine what she said! My dad would plead with me to take her with me, he needed a break & would tell me he was going insane! He was a tortured soul by her & she beat him down till he was a mere shell of a man with no backbone to stand up to her, when he would stand up to her, he said she made his life hell for days. Why couldn’t I see this years ago? I took it too but at least I could go to my home & get away from her! Poor dad😭😩
I had the same experience. First my narc mother tortured my father exactly the same way as you described. When she finally died of cancer ( which she brought upon herself by going after ignorant male doctors who pumped her with high dose oestrogen from the age of 40), my narc brother took over the abuse until my father completely broke down and became mentally ill. He died alone in a mental asylum. 😢
I am sorry for your dad but most likely he was used to being emasculated and maybe his mother did that to him or perhaps his dad........abusers do what they can to people who let them. I am not saying it is easy, it is NOT EASY to get away because it most likely is what is "familiar" and my mother did this to everyone, but my Dad left finally and then any man who stayed she emasculated. my mother was a psycho narc. horrible horrible people. sorry for your dad. but he has to learn to value himself as well, we all do or these monsters keep surfacing.....hope you don't take this the wrong way, your dad deserved better......we all do.
he probably was used to it, being controlled by a mother narc of his own and then was drawn to what was familiar. we women do it too, finding men who will treat us this way, demeaning and degrading us but we were raised this way, to win love and approval TO SURVIVE. unfortunately, so many feel they can't get away......don't be so quick to judge.....some have kids with narcs as well.....my mother's husband (while I did not respect nor like him) was totally unhappy and emasculated by my mother but his own dad treated him so bad he had no feelings of self worth......and so it goes. God bless us to heal.@@diannekevwitch6958
married 46 long miserable years. 1. Our child has grown up. He's now holding my beautiful cat for ransom. 2. Like his mother, no one is as sick as he is. Just because I had major surgery, it is no excuse to lay around and get waited on. As if...... 3. Every time I do something for myself, he sabotaged it. Whether it was a business, a new friend or something else, he always had something to say. Thanks, Danish for letting me know I'm not alone . For 45 years I thought I was.
Yeah they always got some criticism to say no matter what it is they always find fault or have a excuse of some kind and usually it's never good. Complain about everything.
A married Narcissist wanted a relationship with me while still legally married ... I turned him down it went left from there ... Boundaries and no contact the best thing ever👈🏽
My ex's first marriage lasted almost 30 years. His wife kicked him out 3x, because according to him, she was paranoid and thought he was cheating. I suspect that was the truth. He was also enjoyed the $$$ she made and her father's financial generosity. That poor women was mentally destroyed. Her sons confided in me that she became a different person and never recovered.
My parents had the same configuration - a malignant narcissist father and covert narcissist mother. They not only hated each other, they hated their children. I was the only girl and their scapegoat. As soon as I could earn my degree I moved to the other side of the country. In their old age my parents became increasingly hateful. My two brothers stayed close by, and it ruined their lives. When my father finally died, my mother soon followed. Without hatred of my father to sustain her, my mother lost her purpose. In my opinion neither of my parents were ever truly alive. They were a two-person death cult.
@@overcomerbtboj You're right. It was a horrible childhood. Still, I'm deeply grateful for the life I have now. Thank you for your kind and compassionate response.
@@LauraAllen-nm9ws well i’m always happy to hear when people survive abusive childhoods because i’m a survivor myself and want a career in counseling to help others
@@overcomerbtboj Fantastic! The world needs more people like you. When I was a kid there was no help available for someone young and without money, apart from drug treatment programs. But I wasn't on drugs -- just desperately unhappy. My thoughts are with you as you prepare for this loving life journey.
I am so sorry if u are referring to 45 years of being married to a narcissist. I thought 25 years married and 30 with dating was a quite consuming chunk of my life before I got divorced. I truly feel for you at 45 years. May you find true happiness getting out if it once and for all. I have much less to complain about compared to your time span of your relationship. Happy life to you now.
@@sarahwagland1559 Yes Sarah you are completely right about that comment. Just be HAPPY!! Even after 30 years invested I have 2 of the best children from the relationship who are my world and who have seen oh so much and learned to make good choices in their own lives because of it.
This is so accurate. And like in a dominant/submissive parent/child situation, the narcissist wants to have all the say. This is where the narcissist is ‘the parent’. They want to control your choices, the money allocation, how and who with your time is spent…like you are their child. Narcissists treat their primary partner more like a ‘hostage’ than a partner.But, when it comes to the other side of the relationship…where domestic responsibilities, child-care responsibilities are concerned…the narcissist becomes ‘the child’. This is where they take the ‘submissive’ role…putting all of that domestic responsibility upon the primary partner. So, either way…the primary partner is the (voiceless) carrier of the heavy weight, and the narcissist is the (dictating) benefactor. Always lop-sided.
My former husband was ill for the duration of the marriage. After we used my entire inheritance seeking a cure, he regained his health. And then promptly exited the relationship.
I finally got out after 25 years. It was such a mind screw. I don’t hate him but actually feel bad that he is so broken. He about destroyed me completely but God gave me the strength to get out after I did my own healing. I’m still shock that he didn’t fight for me and my children. He had such a disdain for me and treated me so poorly but stayed. I kept thinking he stayed because there must be some love deep down but I think it’s because he was doing as you said - working out his parental problems, getting his primary needs met and trying to keep up an image. I saw glimpses of his shallowness but really saw it at the end when he ran after others immediately from the divorce and posting pictures of himself on social media in his bathing suit with a drink in his hand like a teenager looking for someone to desperately love him. He never had empathy and was only consumed and focused on what he wanted. I never saw it because I was an enabler and totally focused on him. He stole my identity and was trying to leave me for dead. He manipulated me so badly. I can only see it know because my eyes have been opened. It’s so hard to believe there are people like this. He was a church goer too. He knew also the scriptures and could prophecy but I believe God may say in the end I never knew you which is scary to say……thank you God for helping me out if this malignant relationship and helping me to get my identity and relationship with my children back. Ask God to help you because it’s a spiritual battle and so difficult to get out of.
I know that my mom married my dad for his money and had me so that he wouldn't leave her. My father died January 27, 2024, and I was promptly discarded. Which is fine. I already knew I was on my own by the time I was 22. I am currently 51.
Projection. If the sensitive, caring and compliant mate carries their shame for them, why stop? It’s working for them. Repeat this affirmation: I release the feelings that are not mine, and hold onto the fact I am loved, loving, and lovable. Married to a narc for 24 years, endured parental alienation throughout the marriage. Still here, still standing, and I am proud that I survived.
Professor Sam Vaknin talks about the love bombing stage, they provide the unconditional love they can see you did not receive from your mother, until the discard stage, which they turn it on and off.
I stayed married for 23 years … he cheated, lied, stole from me, controlled me and our two daughters with money. I stayed because I didn’t know what else to do. He def enjoyed the torture he put us through.
Thank you Danish, 35yrs married to a man who only cared about his career, making money and image management. He traveled 15days/month. He'd come home to a perfect nest with all needs met. There was very little emotional connection, obligatory sex (him) and dealing with his fragile ego, which I attributed to work stress. I believed his promises of a "real" life at retirement. As he reached his 60s, & my discovering several affairs, he made his exit with a 15yrs younger friend/neighbor. But, first cleared his conscience by destroying my character to friends/family before he left.
I can relate even though his family finally saw he is the problem. Trust was broken. I am glad he was able to uncover those friends and family that have fragile guts and trusted his grit over mines. Even though I knew them longer they trusted his perception of me. I am so thankful him an them got a story to tell cause when it's all said and done God got the glory I have no idol worship over people places an things. Heal the wounds and leave the scars. All these archetypes are done by us. I often question why I craved to be tolerated and not celebrated. I am questioning my own ethics that I can allow such a peon to have that much authority 24 yrs of good behavior, and I still can't get out for good behavior. He is jealous of my sun's budding life they chose to be actual men cause they momma raised them right. I'm a natural flirt and I am now seeing how dangerous that can be. I just want to build a solid accountable relationship with my Lord and savior. I am you are a Victor and no longer a victim of our inability. I am able to believe in the power of Love after love. I am strong enough to Love a Noble gentleman they are still walking amongst us. As of now I am through the power of the holy spirit healing these wounds some self afflicted and some inflicted upon me but through it all the scars I accumulated are my story to tell.
@pa2359 I'm sorry, I'm very confused, please explain how not knowing is a blessing? I didn't realize being abused for 50 yrs was something to celebrate...Personally 1 day is a day too many to be manipulated, used, emotionally destroyed, gas lit, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, intimidated, in some cases physically abused, beaten, financially abused, and verbally emasculated...The sooner you know what & who you're dealing with, the better and hopefully quicker you can get away and start healing!!!
@@1stBorn538I understand this. One has aged!! Old. The children becomimg middle aged and living their own lives. Busy. Perhaps you're totally financially dependent on the narc. There is no way to get work and an income, to leave!!! So you stay and do the best you can. Be the best you can be. Do things, even small things that makes you happy. And keep shinimg your light ... Jesus holds you by your right hand. 🙌
Fear keeps some people married to narcissists. They tend to want revenge and when you leave, can make your life a living hell until they move on to another supply.😮
I spent two 20 yr marriages to narcs and it has damaged me in ways I am still discovering even after being single for the past 4 yrs after losing everything to the last one. At 69 yrs this knowledge came far too late in my life. All I want now is solitude and peace and just trying to survive. Far too many women my age are finding themselves in the same boat after being worn out after long term marriages and being discarded for younger and prettier and dumber. If I would have stayed Im quite sure he would have danced on my grave he would had helped me into faster and cashed in even more than he already did in the divorce.. As it is I know I will not have the years that others in better stable loving sharing relationships have. When you realize that the person who supposedly loved you cared so little you stop caring about yourself.
But he treated you with contempt because that's how he feels about himself under the bluster. Why let him continue to infect you with a mental disease that came from his past, his parents or his genes? Don't let him win now that you are rid of the illness that you didn't cause.
You'll be ok, give yourself lots of time. Thank heavens you didn't remain blind until he really did totally destroy you and dance on your grave. It is wonderful that you are finally free and now understand narcs. Many women remain in chains their entire lives.
You have no idea how many ppl you are inspiring to get out & move forward and seek the same peace...Yeah most of us have wasted so many years with narcs that we can not get back, but you are still young and have so much more living to do...Heal and be thankful you are still here to tell the story.. I'm turning 53 in a few weeks and been single from an 11yr marriage to a sociopathic covert narc, and then moved on with a guy I started dating after the divorce, 12 yrs younger, who is a golden child covert narc from an on & off again relationship. I'm just doing me right now, and enjoying the rest of my life in peace and I have no complaints or quoms..I learned a lot about ppl and myself...And I am open to love again with the right person but it will be me setting those boundaries and not settling ever again...I wish you much happiness and strength ❤you got this!!!...We are not just survivors we are warriors
@@1stBorn538 Well Im trying to find that rest and healing. Had to come home to very senior parents to help out and try to rebuild some kind of life but thiur needs have overshadowed my need to heal. Then a youger brother had a stroke and suddenly all his needs were added. My health continuing to deteriorate despite me trying to explain that I cannot continue like this. They pretend to care but will not do what they need to and can well afford to. Being here has brought back many unhappy childhood memories as well as reliving what the first narc marriage as well as the recent divorce. Its been overwhelming. For every step forward it feels like two back. The worst for me is having nothing to my name but an old ambulance Im converting into a motorhime . I work on it when I can but they seem determined to demand my time each time I think Im free to spend time there. It is my only place of peace. But what they are doing to my health makes me fear I wont be able to leave at all and for me that would be the end of me. They all have money and can easily afford skilled care but seem determined to drain every last bit of me they can. Im so close to being finished but that free time is so hard to find. Keeping the painful memories at bay is hard because they seem to trigger so many. Im too old for this stress and really need to go. And trying to find time for my own health care even worse. Sometimes it feels like they are no better than the narcs just a different variety. I can see looking at my past with new eyes what set me up for the relationships I was in. Sad to think when I do leave I have to make it for good to survive at all if I can. Especially when the weariness in my heart mind and soul want be to just give up. But I am still here still breathing and trying to push forward. Have had to become harder in some ways just to save myself.
My ex told me one time, he really hated starting over in new relationships. They would rather love bomb and discard on a repeated basis the same person who they already know. Just want you to accept the abuse and not abandon them. It's hard work trying to keep up a facade and fake personality all of the time. They want the ability to be evil and everyone be ok with it.
Hard working slave who will work even harder to fix the dysfunctional relationship for breadcrumbs of love and affection. They discard when you are exhausted, have given up, tell someone about your concerns and realise nothing can make them happy.
You are spot-on. I remarried my narcissist never-do-well husband to avert his draining our two grown children financially. I take care of him, but he hates me as he hates his narcissist mother and father.
I hope it was worth it in your case. You have to have nerves of steel to make that decision. I would not have been able to do the same. Not sure what the real gains would have been for my children.
Married to a narcissist 35 years I gave him my inheritance and financed my mortgage mortgage free home when he convinced me he had to buy a small business he worked for. When he bankrupted the business and the last of my money was gone except 36,000 he didn't know about. He took off and hid for several months. He left a message on my phone stating he loved me but could never come back. Our marriage was dissolved in Ohio. God took care of me and put me on top Today I own my home, remarried to a wonderful Christian and I have found happiness.
I don’t think about my parents much anymore. Except to realize I don’t think about them. But I do remember thinking my mother was the equivalent of a black hole. I used to believe my father was a victim but now I know he’s just as empty. They only serve each other and they stay because they are the same. They doubt they could find a better situation. (Edit; When I was old enough to remember my mother had always spoken horribly about my father. So for a while I thought she was a victim. Then I was able to see more and I thought my father was a victim. Then eventually I saw I was the victim. And then I was ostracized to the point that there was no relationship. No member of my family has contacted me since. Because I will confront them with their behavior.)
My narrsissiist parents are dead. It's easier 4 me 2 think, "They did what they did bcz they couldn't do any better. It does help me 2 understand myself 2. There were times in my life that I behaved terribly and I can say of myself, " I would have done better if I could, but I couldn't". Man, for me, 4giving took a long road 2 come home. I'm okay. It would b very cool if U could b OK. Can I do better? Maybe❤
@@Diamondjane54 Are you speaking to me? If you are, you can relax. I’m wonderful and if somehow you missed the context of which I’m speaking. I am not sad, lonely or missing anyone. I have an exciting career, friends, love and life. I just moved on from a toxic family. It’s never defined me. I was born with a great sense of self. I am a natural born observer. I also had a few wonderful family members but they have passed. As far as my parents go they definitely didn’t do the best that they could have. They are narcissists but I am grateful for my experience. There were many great people just not my parents. 🧿
Anyone else get greeting cards & believe them? I did. For 30 years. Now I get to be an old divorced woman... unbelievable how I fell for the BS & ignored the abuse. 😂🤣😂
He loved cards. He got me a greeting card for Valentines and later found out he was spending the day with his affair partner. I found cards he probably planned to give her. Such love!
@@apples107 awww I'm sorry. My friends watched mine love bomb his new supply on sm I didn't have access to, I found out much later. Nobody told me. People are bizarre. I'm happy to be alone.
I’m older as well, but I’d rather know what freedom and peace feels like. To wake up and know I’m not in servitude. Older and feeling more beautiful than ever before. Remember some people never get out.
Married in '94. I left the home in April 2021.....divorced a year later. He did not take it well, he raged and threatened me. But severing the bond was worth it.... 💖🙏✨⛱️☮️
33 years, and shortly after I FINALLY figured it out, he came home with a smile on his face and with laughter in his voice, told me he had 3 months to live. Before this he told me I was nothing but an obligation to him.
Reminds me of when I told my house and that I filed for a divorce. He had this strange looking grin on his face as if he was so happy . He followed up by saying “oh do I need to get a lawyer also?”….so sorry - hopefully you are stronger now.
Just be aware , ex what ever you want to call it . I remember telling my mate I was going to finish with the Nac at the time , the ex walks crying saying he has cancer , well I started crying, even his daughter ring who wasn't speaking to him previously crying. My best mate rang me and said " I'm so sorry mate to hear about ex ,I said how do you know ? She said it's all over Facebook" and guess what 10 yr plus still trying figure what cancer he has 🤦🏾♀️ They sense when you want to break up.
33years of soul sucking. But I realized no-one can really take your soul they just confuse it with chaos. See clearly now after education and divorce. Thanks doc
Thank you Dr Danish. I am married for almost 20 years now to a narc and l know for him it is about status and is always bragging to his friends about being married for long time long time
Same! Married 21 years to a narc and he never says happy anniversary or does anything to celebrate but he brags to his friends about how long we've been together.
Thank you Danish, for validating what really happens when you’re married to a narcissist. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. My mind is exhausted from dealing with this person for 24 years.
I’ve been with my narcissistic husband for 38 years. He admits he acts like a baby and I am the “strong one” he says and he admits he can’t stand that and wonders why I have changed in recent years and says he can’t “read” me and it upsets him greatly. I never knew why he was so nasty to me and nothing I did was ever right, even though I did everything he said to the letter. But I have realized what a narcissist is and he hates it that I don’t let him get under my skin anymore….he says I must change if we are to go on together. I am not going back to the way I was and I do what I want now. 😊
Married 30 yrs here. I had a mental breakdown for multiple reasons about 6 yrs ago. During my long recovery, I learned a lot about myself and my husband. I think he basically abandoned me, not leaving, like divorce, just moving to another room and having no relationship, choosing his dogs over me, but maybe it was a good thing, because I found myself. I no longer do, or feel I must do whatever he says. I turn my own key. When he tells me to do something, I ignore him and watch the aggravation. lol. I know, I'm sick too, very codependent. I have always chose to stay because of the kids. I knew that if I left, I would have absolutely no control over what, how or who would be around my kids. I stayed for control.
I listen to your videos quite a lot Danish and I can clearly see how much abuse you have received. This abuse you experienced ( indirectly, as a positive outcome - please don't misunderstand me ) turned you into a very intelligent, sensitive man, who helps the others who went through similar situations. God bless you and thank you for all your hard work. I pray that God will put peace in your heart one day, will heal you, all of us here. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My narcissist husband and I have been married for almost 42 years. He has been out of the house due to a medical problem the past 1 1/2 years and it's been Heaven. I think the parenting one is right on and also the last one with public image being important. We are Christians and he had been divorced before and his parents (both narcs) were really upset by it. Also, I think I fell for him because he reminded me of my Mom who is also a narc. I was never able to please her growing up and I think I thought that I could make it better by pleasing him. NO
2 narcissists together, like the grandiose and vulnerable are a powerhouse; i was the unfortunate one kid they had to have to fit in too; at least mom was honest enough to actually tell me that
My parents married for 20 years until recently when my father kicked mom out of the house like a dog for a woman 10 years younger than her. Even financial assistance he didn't want to give her. The reason their marriage lasted that long was because 1 mother was financially dependent on this man 2 family and religious pressure because divorce was not seen as a good thing 3 she was afraid of him as he raged as a lunatic when things don't go his way. If this man didn't expell her, she would had surely stayed in this marriage. Now that she is out she will much rather die than go back to him
After 49 years of marriage I decided not to feast the Golden marriage. There is no reason for it. But I feel victorious, I survived, I raised 4 engineers that are not narcissists, and I kept the family together, with all those new girls-suppliers that may have appeared (I’ve never seen one). Actually, I new that no one of those prospective suppliers were good enough as me: engineer myself, beautiful, well born and sensual. I had supply for 3 narcissists like him, I’ve never run out of money or beauty. How a narcissist could have left it? So, there is nothing to celebrate in my marriage, but there is a nice and prosperous big family to help me in my seventies. I kept the marriage because I’m strong and brave, not for the contrary.
I am glad to hear that! I am in it for 30 years now. I like to think I kept the marriage because I am strong and brave too. My kids are not narcissists and are doing well. Thanks.
My ex was married 20 years to his ex wife. Dated me 9 months and went back to her. She is so trauma bonded that when he was with me she bugged him all the time with texts, sending boob pictures etc. He loved being chased I guess. He has been back and forth with her about 6 times now. They dont get along but I guess she meets his needs in a way that us other women didnt. She is selling her beautiful home to live in his run down trailer. She is nuts, living under HIS roof, she will be under his control 100% and if she complains, he can kick her out. That will indeed keep her in line. Glad its her and not me.
If he’s going back and forth with her and you, you’re trauma bonded with him too. You even sound jealous because that’s what he wants. Sadly both of you are being used against each other. She’s married to him and you’re the side piece. If you are his side piece you are out of order because at the end of day he’s still married to his Wife and not you. You are giving him Validation too. The wife is doing what she’s supposed do trying to work on their relationship
I thank you for your knowledge and insight. I watch you and notice that I bob my head up and down in agreement. I lived with this insanity for more than 50 years.
lol yes i laugh cause the longer it takes, much later people look at them like ' what a weirdo ' cause also the narc is breaking down bit by bit over the years
I am continuously crying watching the video by Danish and he is God to me..such eye openers his videos are..i am amazed at how accurately he describes narc abuse survivors ' life... and the comments section..hats off to you wonderful people who came out of the abusive relationships with narcs.. hope i find the courage too..soon..❤
I will pray daily that the time and the opportunity come to you soon to leave. My mother was a narcissist and my step-daughter is one. I cut all contact and my life is happy. Remember, it's not as hard as living with it every day. When you leave you make room for joy in your life. And there's absolutely nothing as frightening as living with a narcissist. You have handled the worst. Please don't doubt that you can leave and you can be happy. Please don't stay trapped. You're in my prayers.
You are VERY good, sir. Your personal, candid speaking is very refreshing. Both my parents were narcissists, too They divorced and could never leave each other alone. Lots of courts. Lots of pettiness. Both sides of the family, everyone, rallied on their side and it was a war I've yet to recover from. They are mostly all dead and I'm 51. Miserable, mean-spirited, vindictive, controlling people. It was Hell. I can only imagine what you went through, sir. And you are a miracle to have come out of this so lucid and self-actualized.. peace be with you
I was only nine months with him. He actually told me that he wanted me to become his 'slave', towards the end . I feel like a train has passed over me. So exhausted by him...
Mine sucked the life out of me. I looked anorexic in a few months. I must have stopped eating. Glad to be free. This is crazy stuff... glad to know what it all was now thanks to you tube.
I have been through everything you said for 32 years.I gave him a divorce 2 years ago,after watching your videos that made me realise that the abuse wasn't my fault.
Oh what a painful reality this is! I have been married 37 years to a man I FINALLY came to the conclusion was indeed a narcissist (the covert variety) He was an only child with an alcoholic, dismissive father. In addition; I have discovered that he is also a functioning alcoholic!!!! How on earth is it possible to be SO SO blind... is beyond my understanding. 😭So much of what you've said here is confirmed by many of his behaviours. We have 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren. My kids were my 'dream' - which was only ever to be married and have kids. I was a stay-at-home Mom; our 2 daughters are also stay-at-home mom's. I am so proud of them! However, after the revelation of our highly imperfect marriage... (everything was ALWAYS MY FAULT) I FINALLY LEFT. I didn't know at that moment what the TRUE reality was; only that I could not bear another minute with this man. What made so much of this hidden; is that he is an introvert and a 'sup half full, realist' where I had always been a bubbly, happy-go-lucky person who loved life and loved to laugh. I honestly believed I had it all... (certainly not perfection, but 'happy') The the Covid pandemic hit and we were locked up together (this was shortly after he retired) did his really negative, narcissist traits come to the fore (the gaslighting, projecting, dismissing) Honestly, it wasn't until I left to go rent a trailer for a month did I have the complete freedom to reflect, search my soul and understand WHY I was SO UNHAPPY. A women that I met while away casually mentioned (as she was divorced and we hung out one evening, and shared some war stories of marriage when she said " He sounds like a Narcissist!") THEN the whole picture fell to pieces and I was able to see what had gone on with the eyes of understanding. WHOA!!! I never believed myself to be 'perfect' but rather very flawed; yet still an eternal optimist. Having had no bonding or connection with my own parents I can definitely see how the wounds of rejection and abandonment have factored into my life journey. I am a weird combination of optimist, goal setter, goofy happy person, but with a 'underpinning' of damaged self esteem. I have been such a confident person most of my life which makes this all the more tragic and bizarre. Ultimately, after telling him I could no longer remain in the relationship he did the number one thing counsellors say to avoid. He ran to our kids - sharing everything about our marriage difficulties... They have COMPLETELY SHUNNED ME. I have not seen or heard from them now for over 7 months!!! I have been completely destroyed. Shunned, betrayed and alone. In the last few years he managed to isolate me from most of my previous friendships... We stopped going to church. So I have no community sort of connections at all. I did not believe that this was remotely possible but my kids; I realize have been 'brainwashed' for their entire lives - to see me as flawed. Depression, migraines... for decades. I found myself realizing that so much of the physical and mental issues that plagued me were likely due to the stress of the relationship. Recognizing that I can now only be responsible for MY decisions; I have had to accept that I may never have a connection or relationship with my kids. Reading about PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME was very discouraging. That sometimes those relationships are never renewed. Utterly UNBELIEVABLE. But I am a Christian woman and because of my faith in Jesus Christ I have managed to carry on. He has been totally wicked and cruel in attempts to obtain a separation agreement... He has control of all of the money essentially. I was SO trusting. He did in deed take advantage of my inheritance!! We spent all of mine (as it happened my parents died first) and I later discovered that he had put his inheritance into an account in HIS NAME ONLY. So he is therefore entitled to exempt those monies from any asset split. He essentially is trying to rob me blind, now that he no longer has control over me. There was no warning... I was just trusting, self-blaming and naive. NOW I am paying the literal price for that. May God demonstrate His sovereignty over this trial and prevent my complete financial destruction. 😩🙏 Depleted, nearly destroyed emotionally and psychologically; but on the road to healing 🎉☔
Your faith in Jesus Christ will carry you through. He is your protector and provider. Lean on Him, I pray for His healing over you. Keep your eyes focused your Savior.
Yes; thank you. This is the only truth I can cling to... It is incredibly hard; but I trust that He's working in the background and I hope to see victory and complete freedom soon 🥰@@saraholson8711
For my brother it is fear. He is married to a narcissist, but he is also a member of a legalistic church. The church told him he would go to hell if he divorces. He believes them. He is so scared of dying and spending eternity in hell, that he is willing to live hell on earth. He has been married for 32 long and miserable years. It is crazy!
I don't believe he would go to hell if he divorced. Honestly, I used to have a lot of fear about going to hell for other sins like bad thoughts, not doing enough good works, etc. but never worried divorcing a serial cheater would send me there. Then, I discovered God's grace. Jesus paid for all sins in full on the cross so we could go to heaven when we believe He did this for us. (Ephesians 2:8-9) If we keep looking at our own works, we will forever worry we are going to hell. And honestly, the Corinthian babes in Christ could never have been called babes IN CHRIST if they needed to avoid enough sin and do enough good works (1 Corinthians 3). Of course, it's great to try to avoid sin and live for God. There are potential earthly consequences and potential loss of rewards in Heaven. But, I don't believe divorcing in these circumstances is even a sin...
@natthebratster Care Giver, what a Joke of the century, they throw children down the stairs and hit elder patients over the head with wooden spoons. Rake Em.
I think staying married for appearances is particularly strong with religions like Christianity. Even Pastors who claim to be sympathetic about the abuse will generally insist that it is a sin to separate or divorce. 🙄 And, of course, since I am the one who left, I am the hardhearted, unforgiving, unrepentant sinner, and my poor ex is the real victim, getting all the sympathy and support and attention while he also alienates our children from me.
Many churches haven't woken up to this. I was told that when I went before my church, they wouldn't understand. I chose to forgive all of them in advance before I ever spoke to them. They eventually told us that although they believed the marriage was savable (it wasn't), divorce was what we should do. I haven't yet for financial reasons, but I spend most of my time at our first house.
I had no idea what a narc was until watching your videos. I had simply thought it was only his depression and I was helping him to be healthy and happy but then the worst had been happening throughout the years of his infidelity, mental and physical abuse and here I am sharing. I've become and empty vessel as a result and emotionally and completely unattached and worse I am still with the narc after 44 long years of unhappiness. Why did I stay? 1. The kids! I know now that was a big mistake. 2. I had become so ill and nowhere else to go. 3. No employment after the illness. 4. The embarrassment of telling anyone of the shame I felt having been warned not to go ahead with this marriage coming from my father, who was in fact a narc himself. 5. The financial ruin which was the last straw. Your videos have been very helpful to me as I am now working towards a goal of seeing myself leaving and living to the best capabilities of what I have left in the last few years of my life. I ignore him now and we live separately until I find a new place to move to god-willing sooner than later. Thank you for all your videos as they are always right on time.
This is 100% what my ex step-mom tried to do with my dad. After I figured out what she was doing, he divorced her. The reason I figured it out, was she accused me of doing exactly what she was doing. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I researched what was happening and it pointed to narcissism. And she did the transference thing too, like you were talking about, treating me like shit to get back at my dad. My poor dad had a horrible last couple years of his life. I felt bad for him. At least in the end, he was rid of her.
I was always wondering why I kept seeing things that say narcissists always leave. I wished so hard that mine would leave me, but he hasn’t. He likes to use our marriage for bragging. “I’ve been married to the same woman” blah blah blah. Thank you for finally validating my confusion on this subject. I am definitely mommy 2.0. I hate my life 😢
Thank you for sharing your insights, kindness and professionalism, Danish. I have recently realized that BOTH of my parents were narcissists, but didn't realize that there are different types until you mentioned the two types of your parents in this video. Reading up on their definitions, it is applicable and helps me understand more of why I picked the spouse that I did - and how to better cope. Will watch more of your video's and more to slowly cope. Thank you. Be well. 💐
Narcissists do not want a real spouse or a partner. They want to string you along but don't really want to have a relationship. They want you around to use and abuse. They could not care any less how they make you feel.
![🎤 จับฉลากร้องเพลง x P’ #XXSIVK [EP.1] (2/2) เพื่อนจับได้คำไหน..ต้องร้องคำนั้น เริ่ม! 💓🎶 #MXFRUIT](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1bJvMJXmeS4/mqdefault.jpg)
Master Coparenting with a Narcissist:
www.emotionalabuserecovery.com/specialoffer
My long term narcissist knows that I know. He is no longer the focus in my life. I set strong boundaries. I can’t divorce him due to my faith, but I feel in control now and he knows it. Thanks Dannish. Your help has been invaluable.
They eventually discard everyone 😅😂from what i see coverts are the ones that get in marriages
@@Hint158Perfect! Looks like me: he knows I know, and I have strong limits!
@@Hint158I strongly believe in you! You kept because you ate brave!
It's not easy but can be done. Their are consequences though. My oldest son has lost respect for me because I did the job his father should have. My youngest son, it's the opposite.
🙏
They need a "wife appliance"/"husband appliance" to do chores and other duties. Why would they get rid of their servant?
OMGOODNESS! I’ve never read words more true… the perfect narcissistic
motto …. I was his life appliance.
100 percent
@@jbrown2908 They wear us down… they want to break us. Get out before you loose yourself!
For years he introduced /referred to me as ‘wife’!
That’s why my dad is with my mom. As a free housekeeper, maid, cook, slave, ear to listen to his hours long monologues about himself. My brother and I wouldn’t even visit if it weren’t for her. Not that he cares, he wouldn’t care if he never saw my brother or me again. And he could not care less about my mom at all. So sad because they are late 70s and she will probably pass without ever knowing true love or kindness from a man.
My ex had a first marriage that lasted 20 years. Our marriage lasted 23. He used to brag "I got 20 years out of it" referencing his first marriage. Remember, they are parasites. They want to milk it for as long as they can get benefit. I also believe it pleased him to witness how HARD the spouse was trying all those years to keep things together. There is a degree of sadism.
Well clearly you are the parasite you stayed 23 years, milking him 3 yrs longer than the last 😂
The truth is that narcissists try to keep the marriage by controlling their partners. If the partner doesn't know he/she's a narcissist, they will charm you like they did not treat you bad at all. The unsuspecting supply will forgive and forget. Little she/he knew that was love bombing trick of the narcissists. It's a repeatative thing to happen until you realize he's using you for supply. Sometimes, it takes 20 years to understand.
Wow !!! ABSOLUTELY TRUE !!
😆My ex married my friend, who is also a malignant narcissist, too. I pray they stay married forever. They deserve each other. I wasn't short of losses, but I have my life back😅 🙂👌
Yup!
Narcissistic sadism must have its own sick twisted spectrum too
Their marriages last that long because they find patient, enduring partners.
Or a partner that is simple in their own needs ie money.
Also because their victims are waiting for the person to return to who they were in the lovebombing stage.
They work so hard to change and control their partners and they don't want to have to do it again.
@@user-lu4fw6le4x It was amusing to hear that "the best driver' got t boned the other day! 🤣
Long-suffering is the word used to describe such partners.
A narcissist will stay married as long as they can "get away with it." I was married for 28 years to one of these parasites, after being raised by two of them. I did not even know what a narcissist was until about a year before I left my now ex. What a waste. This education is so important.
Same here...Couldn't see the abuse from being groomed and conditioned by narc parents...thought it was something I just needed to deal and suffer with
I hope you teach others❤😊
@@1stBorn538 Same, my friend. For most of my life I believed all issues arose from me being deficient and unlovable. Boy are the narcissists mad that I realized what is up. The smear is in full bloom.
When you grow up with crazy narcissistic parents you think living like this is normal. I had no clue anything was wrong. Covert narcissism is beyond evil. Of all the things I have lost over this nightmare my health and my sanity took the biggest toll. I wish you well.
@rubberbiscuit99
My parents are religious narcs and used the bible to manipulate and control what they wanted outta us, and when it didn't work any longer, they would devalue & distance themselves, and now I've gone no contact got tired of being everybody's scapegoat, the one with all of the issues, no one had a problem except me, tired of my mother and her shenanigans in her 70s now and she's still trangulating me between her & my narc brother. I just wanna live my life in peace away from the drama, the confusion, and everything else comes along with them. It strips everything from you and waste so much of your time focusing on them.
there's nobody more single than the married narcissist, and nobody more lonely than the married narcissist's spouse. 💯
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
So true!
Spot on my friend
Toward the end I would tell him I felt more like his mother than wife. Wow! This is why. He kept saying how much he loved me, etc and cry. One day I said Let me ask you something (married 30 years) Do you love me that much or you don't know what you would fo) (he was 79/I was72) He looked at me and said Where would I go/ what would I do. I jumped up and said- that is the first truth you have said thru this whole ordeal!
@lindamarcola1324 thanks for your kind words.
-cheers, steven
@sanelisiwevernon4920 glad to be a bit of value with the comments.
-all the best, steven
Do not ignore🚩🚩 🚩& trust your intuition. I’m finally divorcing after 30+ years w/a narcissist. Looking back I realize that he took advantage of my empathic nature & breadcrumbed me. If I’d I known what a narcissist was I never would’ve married him. Don’t waste your life,folks,get out at the first🚩because a narcissist never changes.
❤
I am in the middle of divorcing a narcissist now after 1 year of marriage. I can't wait for the divorce to be finalised! Leaving him is the best decision of my life.
I took courage and divorced an emotional vampire after 30 yrs of marriage. No contact. 3 yrs later I'm living my BEST life with Peace, Joy and Contentment. 🙌🏾
@@HISFAVR-ug5kt ❤️.
@@karentan5531 ❤️Eagerly waiting on mine to be finalized,too. I’m happy that you only wasted one year. Blessings
This is why people need to stop thinking a long marriage means successful marriage. Also many times it’s because they found some meek, mild tempered, forgiving person to manipulate. If they ran into someone more no-nonsense, it probably wouldn’t last that long.
You got that right... Everything that glitters on the outside doesn't mean true happiness behind closed doors...
You are right! No-nonsense will be able to see his two-faced and various masks and will not be able to stand his BS long!
Exactly!
I agree but these no nonsense victims are extremely strong.
@lindaschultz7900
No nonsense victims??? What does that mean exactly
Relationship has no meaning to this monsters 💔
Its a also about appearances !
On our 15th year anniversary my narc spouse took me to HAWAI. Later I found out he asked his girlfriend to go with him and she turned him down. I got the Lucky 2nd place ribbon.
I have nausea thinking about the creepy moves the guy made. Isn't that something even after I broke our relationship the ugly narc still influences my life.
Enough!!!
Don’t be a hypocrite. All relationships are narcissistic
@@steelearmstrong9616Everything is on a spectrum.
@@sarahwagland1559 When it comes to relationships, nope. It’s two insecure individuals that use and tolerate each other for their own selfish needs and wants all for the fear of being alone. They are full of lies, deceit and manipulative manipulation due to hate which comes from fear. This is all relationships. Everyone is using everyone. If everyone truly knew what everyone was thinking then no one would have any friends. This is not an opinion
19 years of marriage and the divorce will soon be final. I was his servant, slave, and verbal punching bag. I was a single parent the entire time, with no help. They use and take advantage of good people. Don’t waste another day, find your way out and leave the monster to his evil self. Great insight Danish ❤
Ditto for me. Except added years of physical abuse too…only now I’m learning about narcissists and he’s exactly that.
Not able to divorce or move out though as he has always sucked up my time, energy and I’m still single parenting my two children
35 years and still healing 3 years later
After 23 years it s time for me to get divorced and think about me !!!! Thank you all for your advices 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽🥰
I was married to a narcissist for 32 years. We stayed married because he convinced me all our troubles were because of me. So I spent a lot of time trying to fix me so our marriage would be better. It's crazy that it took me 32 years to realize it was him.
I am still fixing me!!??!!
31st anniversary today and in the middle of a divorce from a covert narcissist
I’m kinda in the same boat. Been married 30 years and we raise our grandkids so I feel stuck because I can’t fail them and I can’t afford to leave and live on my own OR w: the girls
@@denisetienda9046 I'm sorry you are in that situation. That's a tough one and you are doing the right thing for others. We sacrifice ourselves. I hope and pray that things change for you and you can leave!!!
Actually they control you in every way and keep you isolated, this is their biggest trap, then you are crippled financially and have nowhere to go...but never give up keep your connection strong to the creator
This is 100% true. No intimacy, no interest in their partner at all, but they wanna stay ans show they are 'normal' enough to be married 🤦♀️
So true! On our wedding night my husband took off and went gambling with his aunt. Like really?!!!! Red flag!!!
at some point you sacrificed all of your talented stuff, in my case. singing, other hobbies, drained. no longer youself
So true
The narcissist is getting value from the spouse --child care, cooking, cleaning, organizing social life, appearance of domestic tranquility, etc. Maybe she even has a job and brings in good money. He wants to have it all. As long as his spouse plays her role and doesn't ask too many questions he has no reason to leave.
👍😢👍
Yep doing all the household chores, taking care of the kids and all their needs for years on end and nuturing, and she DOES have a good paying job to boot. All to be scooped up by a revengeful spouse. I HEAR ya.
Yes, true. And in my narc brother's case, he also used his wife to look after my elderly parents when they moved to be close to him. My old and sick mother told me with tears in her voice that he never visited them after the move.
Yes! That happened to me. I became a slave to get him to love me again. HE divorced me. This dude is older, and much less attractive. Refuses to go to the gym. Has to hold his man boobs going down the stairs. Yet, I was the ugly and rejected one. It blew my mind.
And we are all doing it like a volunteer !!!!
They are like a dependant child that never grows up 😣
An abusive dependant child who never says thankyou
Because they have their spouse terrified about how much worse it will get if you leave
That means they solely depend on the narcissist
Yes absolutely in some cases and I am out of that
Ding ding ding!!!
My ex used to say that to me and I laughed 🤣. Life could only get easier because he stood in the way of every single thing. Resistant to every breath.
Bs
My brother is a narcissist and his wife is borderline. They’ve been married for many years and now have grown children. They’re attractive and successful. They’re horrible to each other at home but wonderful in public and their public image is everything to them. I’ve always thought that they might stay together until one murders the other.
You sound highly jealous
@@nesq4104 No. I’m not. I have my own assets. The issue for them is that they’re never happy in the moment and always need more.
@@loriosterweil982 Ignore that dumb comment. You don't sound jealous at all. I have the same: narc brother and borderline SIL. They present very well, are very successful. I have no idea how they are in private, though SIL once told me she can't bring up my brother's drinking because he will rage at her ...
Just a guess but may each other's dysfunction supplies the other? I bet it's a hard dynamic to watch but equally yoked works.
@@sarahgilmore9990 You’re right. It does work in some insane way.
A narcissists can stay married for decades because he is a master in playing a great show. He is a master in manipulating and deceiving people. Even intelligent people can´t easily detect a narcissist (especially if they don´t know anything about narcissm at all). And people stay with them because of dependence (at least I did) and also because of lazyness... (I admit that to myself). But I can assure you to be single is million times better than staying with such a person. Don´t be lazy and stand up for yourself - I did and till now I didn´t regret it. I stayed 19 years in that relationship. (It was a life-lesson for me).
I can admit I was dealing with codependency with the narc but never laziness. The abuse was stagnating, draining and kept me in a fog of depression and it was like a prison that I saw not escape from...
@@1stBorn538 that's 😔 sad
@user-me1dn6nm7y
Well yeah but that's the reality and life so many suffer with while cohabitating with a narcissist...it is what it is
@@1stBorn538me too! Been separated from him since June. I think he’s very narcissistic, but I’m unsure if he has narcissistic personality disorder. I’m nowhere near qualified to diagnose. But I can say he was very manipulative, kept me in a depression fog, never apologized when we fought, and was verbally harsh to me.
@rachelhoyle5728
Sounds very narcissistic...
But whether it is or not, it's still unacceptable toxic behavior, and that's enough to say good bye
I left 3 months ago after being married 32 years.
I honestly didn't know there was a name for what he is.
Once I started to research and understand, I realized it was never, ever going to change. I just couldn't anymore.
Everything you say is 100% true.
Been married to my Narcissist husband has been just as you described. I am so waking up.
He is a porno addict and I am a trophy. He is just like family, especially his Narcissistic mother and sister and yes he wants the inheritance and then I am going to be discard and I have been preparing for this.
I was married 35 years. Too afraid and broken to leave. It took a lot of courage. I left with nothing but a suitcase. I have never been happier.than since I left.
🙋🏻♀️25 years…. Sigh. The last 10 years were horribly lonely and sad. He was definitely in it for appearances. I FINALLY left him and I feel so happy, grateful, full of joy. I’m in a healthy relationship now and never thought anything could be so wonderful.
So inspiring to hear of successful 'survivor tales'!!
good for you, im afraid of men now when it comes to deep love
After 25 years I finally was able to get away. He took about everything and left me alone in poverty after taking my retirement investment. I am old and tired. My friends and family are gone. I am still better off now!! I have peace. I have moments of joy with my pets and nature. I'm learning all kinds of tricks to survive. Please get out no matter the cost! You can finally be free to be yourself. They are monsters.
They are ultimately afraid of being alone with themselves
THISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! But you will have the red flag of feeling alone in a marriage to one of them. I remember saying you are married but you move like you are single. He tried to say he had trust issues so was so used to being by himself all his life that he just moves that way. Oh if I had listened to my gut then, smh.
It was always about how things looked. Not just in a marriage, but in everything. I received flowers 2x when married, but never at home. They were sent to my work environment, to prove what a wonderful husband he was. So typical of a narc!!!
@penny. Yep always the narc seeks an audience.
They punish you (spouse) because they cannot punish the parent.
They punish the spouse, the kids and the family pet! When they need to just deal with & do the work to heal the dynamic with the parent or person that hurt them from childhood. So they can grow up emotionally & intellectually and be good human beings
@@1stBorn538 No, they are usually damaged too deeply to be able to change.
@@minoozolala
I never said they would do what it takes to change; I said they need to do it...there's a difference
@@1stBorn538 It is difficult when this parent died long time ago...
This is true. Or they look for others to “make up” for what a parent did.
You just described my sisters marriage to a narcissist. 50 years and it’s because she’s his personal slave. My father was a narcissist also. She was conditioned to serve endlessly. My mother and my sister have been subservient their whole life. 😮
That is very sad and horrific what you describe here... I am really sorry for those people. (Nobody earns such a way of living).
The narcissist is actually you though. She has 50 years of love and you don't like it
@@nesq4104 Why do you keep leaving stupid comments?
@@minoozolalaIs narc!! 👍👍
On bread crumbing -- How cheap can ya get ?
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
👏👏👏
@soulTraveller144 oh yes. thank you so much.
My narcissistic husband is not leaving me for the same reason. He has ruined my career as a dermatologist in one city and brought me to other after convincing children to shift with him to another city. I don't fulfill any of his needs now. Not even food and will leave him soon
I wish you luck and peace ❤❤
No one can fulfill a Narc’s needs long term. They aren’t capable of living a functional lifestyle. You’re not the problem. Remember that!
LAZY NO, THEY DRAIN YOU, totally different in my opinon , im ve tho not there a 100% more actively
@6:50. That makes sense. My mother-in-law spent a month with us. I thought the visit went well. My husband drove her to the airport, then when he got home went absolutely ballistic on me yelling at me because his mother one day was sitting alone on our deck looking at the ocean and I did not go out and keep her company. She visited a month. Why would I need to be with her 24/7? His outburst was so crazy I knew it wasn't really to do with me. I think he was really, really mad at his Mom from something in his upbringing and couldn't confront her about it even now so bottled it up and tore in to me for no reason (We are divorced now, thankfully)
Similar kind of thing happened with me...he went to his mums place because of wedding preparations of his brother....came and blasted at me like crazy ....he ended up hitting me and my dad with his family at 1am and later he kept on changing his reasoning saying oh I was hungry or her dad caused it all ...but later when I took a deep note of incident he was angry on my dad because my dad wasn't letting him abuse me and what my dad said he told his family and his family caused all this increased anger ...they take revenge and keep grudges ...I'm divorcing him too ...
Mine only stayed with me because other people find me attractive. He expressed nonstop how disgusting he found me. However, loved hearing other men say how lucky he was. He loved that other woman paid attention to him trying to find out what I seen in him. People assumed there must be something amazing about him. Meanwhile, he actually thought of me as the least attractive, least interesting, least desirable woman in the world. He just liked having what other people wanted.
Wow...that's something
I’m so sorry 😢
Holy shit! Your comment hit so close to home…..
My children father did the same to me. The God consciousness within me reminded me that I was created for purpose and to let my light shine.
My grandfather loved to show off his attractive children and grandchildren. Looks were very important to him. He was handsome too.
I admire others who have also left their narcissistic parents. It’s rare to live honestly.👏👏👏
Thanks and know what? My older overt coke head sis and my bro who'se an adulterer with his wife's adult senior widowed mom (they're still married, she nabbed him by being my nd and sis just killed her 2 husbands with pure meanness) well they still (try to) deal with dementia diva, so thanks, I've got the key 🔑 to where she is but wouldn't know which door 🚪 should I want a look!
Thanks
I got away from my narcissistic family. It was not easy. It took a lot of planning.
Because every parasite needs a host.
While my mom was the primary narcissistic parent, my dad stayed in this marriage & was so verbally abused it wasn’t even funny. My dad actually got the guts one day to ask my mom “do you love me? She answered “of course I do, why would you ask me that?” Dad said “then why do you treat me so bad all the time?” This is what my mom shared with me! She didn’t say how she responded but I can’t just imagine what she said! My dad would plead with me to take her with me, he needed a break & would tell me he was going insane! He was a tortured soul by her & she beat him down till he was a mere shell of a man with no backbone to stand up to her, when he would stand up to her, he said she made his life hell for days. Why couldn’t I see this years ago? I took it too but at least I could go to my home & get away from her! Poor dad😭😩
I had the same experience. First my narc mother tortured my father exactly the same way as you described. When she finally died of cancer ( which she brought upon herself by going after ignorant male doctors who pumped her with high dose oestrogen from the age of 40), my narc brother took over the abuse until my father completely broke down and became mentally ill. He died alone in a mental asylum. 😢
I am sorry for your dad but most likely he was used to being emasculated and maybe his mother did that to him or perhaps his dad........abusers do what they can to people who let them. I am not saying it is easy, it is NOT EASY to get away because it most likely is what is "familiar" and my mother did this to everyone, but my Dad left finally and then any man who stayed she emasculated. my mother was a psycho narc. horrible horrible people. sorry for your dad. but he has to learn to value himself as well, we all do or these monsters keep surfacing.....hope you don't take this the wrong way, your dad deserved better......we all do.
Sadly your dad chose to stay. He could have left. But he was under the control of her demons.
he probably was used to it, being controlled by a mother narc of his own and then was drawn to what was familiar. we women do it too, finding men who will treat us this way, demeaning and degrading us but we were raised this way, to win love and approval TO SURVIVE. unfortunately, so many feel they can't get away......don't be so quick to judge.....some have kids with narcs as well.....my mother's husband (while I did not respect nor like him) was totally unhappy and emasculated by my mother but his own dad treated him so bad he had no feelings of self worth......and so it goes. God bless us to heal.@@diannekevwitch6958
I feel so sorry about your dad. Narcissistic women are a different kind of evil
married 46 long miserable years.
1. Our child has grown up. He's now holding my beautiful cat for ransom.
2. Like his mother, no one is as sick as he is.
Just because I had major surgery, it is no excuse to lay around and get waited on. As if......
3. Every time I do something for myself, he sabotaged it. Whether it was a business, a new friend or something else, he always had something to say.
Thanks, Danish for letting me know I'm not alone . For 45 years I thought I was.
Yeah they always got some criticism to say no matter what it is they always find fault or have a excuse of some kind and usually it's never good. Complain about everything.
Plan in the works to escape. I have someone who treats me right.
A married Narcissist wanted a relationship with me while still legally married ... I turned him down it went left from there ... Boundaries and no contact the best thing ever👈🏽
Same happened to me
My ex's first marriage lasted almost 30 years. His wife kicked him out 3x, because according to him, she was paranoid and thought he was cheating. I suspect that was the truth. He was also enjoyed the $$$ she made and her father's financial generosity.
That poor women was mentally destroyed. Her sons confided in me that she became a different person and never recovered.
That's so sad!!! Like a cautionary tale. 😔
My parents had the same configuration - a malignant narcissist father and covert narcissist mother. They not only hated each other, they hated their children. I was the only girl and their scapegoat. As soon as I could earn my degree I moved to the other side of the country. In their old age my parents became increasingly hateful. My two brothers stayed close by, and it ruined their lives. When my father finally died, my mother soon followed. Without hatred of my father to sustain her, my mother lost her purpose. In my opinion neither of my parents were ever truly alive. They were a two-person death cult.
A two person death cult how horrible 😮
@@overcomerbtboj You're right. It was a horrible childhood. Still, I'm deeply grateful for the life I have now. Thank you for your kind and compassionate response.
@@LauraAllen-nm9ws well i’m always happy to hear when people survive abusive childhoods because i’m a survivor myself and want a career in counseling to help others
@@overcomerbtboj Fantastic! The world needs more people like you. When I was a kid there was no help available for someone young and without money, apart from drug treatment programs. But I wasn't on drugs -- just desperately unhappy. My thoughts are with you as you prepare for this loving life journey.
45 years. Narcissists are mad but they are cunning. They know what they need and they know how to get it.
I am so sorry if u are referring to 45 years of being married to a narcissist. I thought 25 years married and 30 with dating was a quite consuming chunk of my life before I got divorced. I truly feel for you at 45 years. May you find true happiness getting out if it once and for all. I have much less to complain about compared to your time span of your relationship. Happy life to you now.
46.5 years for me and now finally free in my old age😞
@@suecleveland3226Why the sad face? You're free! Free at last! Be happy 😊
@@sarahwagland1559 Yes Sarah you are completely right about that comment. Just be HAPPY!! Even after 30 years invested I have 2 of the best children from the relationship who are my world and who have seen oh so much and learned to make good choices in their own lives because of it.
@@sarahwagland1559 thank you! Sad face that I had to go through it and gave him my best years….but yes I am now free!
This is so accurate. And like in a dominant/submissive parent/child situation, the narcissist wants to have all the say. This is where the narcissist is ‘the parent’. They want to control your choices, the money allocation, how and who with your time is spent…like you are their child. Narcissists treat their primary partner more like a ‘hostage’ than a partner.But, when it comes to the other side of the relationship…where domestic responsibilities, child-care responsibilities are concerned…the narcissist becomes ‘the child’. This is where they take the ‘submissive’ role…putting all of that domestic responsibility upon the primary partner. So, either way…the primary partner is the (voiceless) carrier of the heavy weight, and the narcissist is the (dictating) benefactor. Always lop-sided.
totally financial MESS
My former husband was ill for the duration of the marriage. After we used my entire inheritance seeking a cure, he regained his health. And then promptly exited the relationship.
I finally got out after 25 years. It was such a mind screw. I don’t hate him but actually feel bad that he is so broken. He about destroyed me completely but God gave me the strength to get out after I did my own healing. I’m still shock that he didn’t fight for me and my children. He had such a disdain for me and treated me so poorly but stayed. I kept thinking he stayed because there must be some love deep down but I think it’s because he was doing as you said - working out his parental problems, getting his primary needs met and trying to keep up an image. I saw glimpses of his shallowness but really saw it at the end when he ran after others immediately from the divorce and posting pictures of himself on social media in his bathing suit with a drink in his hand like a teenager looking for someone to desperately love him. He never had empathy and was only consumed and focused on what he wanted. I never saw it because I was an enabler and totally focused on him. He stole my identity and was trying to leave me for dead. He manipulated me so badly. I can only see it know because my eyes have been opened. It’s so hard to believe there are people like this. He was a church goer too. He knew also the scriptures and could prophecy but I believe God may say in the end I never knew you which is scary to say……thank you God for helping me out if this malignant relationship and helping me to get my identity and relationship with my children back. Ask God to help you because it’s a spiritual battle and so difficult to get out of.
I swear your story is EERILY similar to mine. It was like I was reading my own story and I am a female by the way...
I know that my mom married my dad for his money and had me so that he wouldn't leave her. My father died January 27, 2024, and I was promptly discarded. Which is fine. I already knew I was on my own by the time I was 22. I am currently 51.
I am sorry!😢
I'm sorry for your loss, I loss my BFF (dad) 2021. I too was discarded, hang in there it definitely can get hard at times. Especially without dad🙏
Sad to hear this, bless you
Projection. If the sensitive, caring and compliant mate carries their shame for them, why stop? It’s working for them. Repeat this affirmation: I release the feelings that are not mine, and hold onto the fact I am loved, loving, and lovable. Married to a narc for 24 years, endured parental alienation throughout the marriage. Still here, still standing, and I am proud that I survived.
Professor Sam Vaknin talks about the love bombing stage, they provide the unconditional love they can see you did not receive from your mother, until the discard stage, which they turn it on and off.
I stayed married for 23 years … he cheated, lied, stole from me, controlled me and our two daughters with money. I stayed because I didn’t know what else to do. He def enjoyed the torture he put us through.
Thank you Danish, 35yrs married to a man who only cared about his career, making money and image management. He traveled 15days/month. He'd come home to a perfect nest with all needs met. There was very little emotional connection, obligatory sex (him) and dealing with his fragile ego, which I attributed to work stress. I believed his promises of a "real" life at retirement. As he reached his 60s, & my discovering several affairs, he made his exit with a 15yrs younger friend/neighbor. But, first cleared his conscience by destroying my character to friends/family before he left.
I can relate even though his family finally saw he is the problem. Trust was broken. I am glad he was able to uncover those friends and family that have fragile guts and trusted his grit over mines. Even though I knew them longer they trusted his perception of me. I am so thankful him an them got a story to tell cause when it's all said and done God got the glory I have no idol worship over people places an things. Heal the wounds and leave the scars. All these archetypes are done by us. I often question why I craved to be tolerated and not celebrated. I am questioning my own ethics that I can allow such a peon to have that much authority 24 yrs of good behavior, and I still can't get out for good behavior. He is jealous of my sun's budding life they chose to be actual men cause they momma raised them right. I'm a natural flirt and I am now seeing how dangerous that can be. I just want to build a solid accountable relationship with my Lord and savior. I am you are a Victor and no longer a victim of our inability. I am able to believe in the power of Love after love. I am strong enough to Love a Noble gentleman they are still walking amongst us. As of now I am through the power of the holy spirit healing these wounds some self afflicted and some inflicted upon me but through it all the scars I accumulated are my story to tell.
Absolutely 💯 he turned from a soul mate to a child.
We were married for 50 years :(
I never realised !
Till recently
That must have been a hard and often confusing 50 years. Hope you're ok.
At least you know now..
Not knowing is a blessing but opposite can be true if we get lesson and move on.
@pa2359
I'm sorry, I'm very confused, please explain how not knowing is a blessing? I didn't realize being abused for 50 yrs was something to celebrate...Personally 1 day is a day too many to be manipulated, used, emotionally destroyed, gas lit, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, intimidated, in some cases physically abused, beaten, financially abused, and verbally emasculated...The sooner you know what & who you're dealing with, the better and hopefully quicker you can get away and start healing!!!
@@1stBorn538I understand this.
One has aged!! Old.
The children becomimg middle aged and living their own lives. Busy.
Perhaps you're totally financially dependent on the narc.
There is no way to get work and an income, to leave!!!
So you stay and do the best you can.
Be the best you can be.
Do things, even small things that makes you happy.
And keep shinimg your light ...
Jesus holds you by your right hand. 🙌
Fear keeps some people married to narcissists. They tend to want revenge and when you leave, can make your life a living hell until they move on to another supply.😮
I spent two 20 yr marriages to narcs and it has damaged me in ways I am still discovering even after being single for the past 4 yrs after losing everything to the last one. At 69 yrs this knowledge came far too late in my life. All I want now is solitude and peace and just trying to survive. Far too many women my age are finding themselves in the same boat after being worn out after long term marriages and being discarded for younger and prettier and dumber. If I would have stayed Im quite sure he would have danced on my grave he would had helped me into faster and cashed in even more than he already did in the divorce.. As it is I know I will not have the years that others in better stable loving sharing relationships have. When you realize that the person who supposedly loved you cared so little you stop caring about yourself.
It is shocking when the evil/pathology/emptiness of the narc is exposed.
But he treated you with contempt because that's how he feels about himself under the bluster. Why let him continue to infect you with a mental disease that came from his past, his parents or his genes? Don't let him win now that you are rid of the illness that you didn't cause.
You'll be ok, give yourself lots of time. Thank heavens you didn't remain blind until he really did totally destroy you and dance on your grave. It is wonderful that you are finally free and now understand narcs. Many women remain in chains their entire lives.
You have no idea how many ppl you are inspiring to get out & move forward and seek the same peace...Yeah most of us have wasted so many years with narcs that we can not get back, but you are still young and have so much more living to do...Heal and be thankful you are still here to tell the story..
I'm turning 53 in a few weeks and been single from an 11yr marriage to a sociopathic covert narc, and then moved on with a guy I started dating after the divorce, 12 yrs younger, who is a golden child covert narc from an on & off again relationship. I'm just doing me right now, and enjoying the rest of my life in peace and I have no complaints or quoms..I learned a lot about ppl and myself...And I am open to love again with the right person but it will be me setting those boundaries and not settling ever again...I wish you much happiness and strength ❤you got this!!!...We are not just survivors we are warriors
@@1stBorn538 Well Im trying to find that rest and healing. Had to come home to very senior parents to help out and try to rebuild some kind of life but thiur needs have overshadowed my need to heal. Then a youger brother had a stroke and suddenly all his needs were added. My health continuing to deteriorate despite me trying to explain that I cannot continue like this. They pretend to care but will not do what they need to and can well afford to. Being here has brought back many unhappy childhood memories as well as reliving what the first narc marriage as well as the recent divorce. Its been overwhelming. For every step forward it feels like two back. The worst for me is having nothing to my name but an old ambulance Im converting into a motorhime . I work on it when I can but they seem determined to demand my time each time I think Im free to spend time there. It is my only place of peace. But what they are doing to my health makes me fear I wont be able to leave at all and for me that would be the end of me. They all have money and can easily afford skilled care but seem determined to drain every last bit of me they can. Im so close to being finished but that free time is so hard to find. Keeping the painful memories at bay is hard because they seem to trigger so many. Im too old for this stress and really need to go. And trying to find time for my own health care even worse. Sometimes it feels like they are no better than the narcs just a different variety. I can see looking at my past with new eyes what set me up for the relationships I was in. Sad to think when I do leave I have to make it for good to survive at all if I can. Especially when the weariness in my heart mind and soul want be to just give up. But I am still here still breathing and trying to push forward. Have had to become harder in some ways just to save myself.
Keep in mind they are inherently L-A-Z-Y and seeking new supply requires "effort" which is like kryptonite 😉
My ex told me one time, he really hated starting over in new relationships. They would rather love bomb and discard on a repeated basis the same person who they already know. Just want you to accept the abuse and not abandon them. It's hard work trying to keep up a facade and fake personality all of the time. They want the ability to be evil and everyone be ok with it.
@@1stBorn538
Sad but true, been there done that
Best guess is they can't be bothered to find a new host to house train
30 years!!!!! Absolutely crazy. The hell!!!!
26 years, im close
A narcissit may have the maturity of 18 months old to a 9 year old child.
It's best not to insult 18 months to 9 year old children like that ❤
Hard working slave who will work even harder to fix the dysfunctional relationship for breadcrumbs of love and affection. They discard when you are exhausted, have given up, tell someone about your concerns and realise nothing can make them happy.
Nothing...Run for your life!
You are spot-on. I remarried my narcissist never-do-well husband to avert his draining our two grown children financially. I take care of him, but he hates me as he hates his narcissist mother and father.
I hope it was worth it in your case. You have to have nerves of steel to make that decision. I would not have been able to do the same. Not sure what the real gains would have been for my children.
...and himself.
Sounds like he is using you and your grown kids for money.
Married to a narcissist 35 years
I gave him my inheritance and financed my mortgage mortgage free home when he convinced me he had to buy a small business he worked for. When he bankrupted the business and the last of my money was gone except 36,000 he didn't know about. He took off and hid for several months. He left a message on my phone stating he loved me but could never come back. Our marriage was dissolved in Ohio. God took care of me and put me on top
Today I own my home, remarried to a wonderful Christian and I have found happiness.
Yah!
I don’t think about my parents much anymore. Except to realize I don’t think about them. But I do remember thinking my mother was the equivalent of a black hole. I used to believe my father was a victim but now I know he’s just as empty. They only serve each other and they stay because they are the same. They doubt they could find a better situation. (Edit; When I was old enough to remember my mother had always spoken horribly about my father. So for a while I thought she was a victim. Then I was able to see more and I thought my father was a victim. Then eventually I saw I was the victim. And then I was ostracized to the point that there was no relationship. No member of my family has contacted me since. Because I will confront them with their behavior.)
My narrsissiist parents are dead. It's easier 4 me 2 think, "They did what they did bcz they couldn't do any better. It does help me 2 understand myself 2. There were times in my life that I behaved terribly and I can say of myself, " I would have done better if I could, but I couldn't". Man, for me, 4giving took a long road 2 come home. I'm okay. It would b very cool if U could b OK. Can I do better? Maybe❤
@@Diamondjane54 Are you speaking to me? If you are, you can relax. I’m wonderful and if somehow you missed the context of which I’m speaking. I am not sad, lonely or missing anyone. I have an exciting career, friends, love and life. I just moved on from a toxic family. It’s never defined me. I was born with a great sense of self. I am a natural born observer. I also had a few wonderful family members but they have passed. As far as my parents go they definitely didn’t do the best that they could have. They are narcissists but I am grateful for my experience. There were many great people just not my parents. 🧿
@@Diamondjane54 I forgot to mention there’s always a gaslighter in the comments.🧿
7😅@@Diamondjane54
Anyone else get greeting cards & believe them? I did. For 30 years. Now I get to be an old divorced woman... unbelievable how I fell for the BS & ignored the abuse. 😂🤣😂
He loved cards. He got me a greeting card for Valentines and later found out he was spending the day with his affair partner. I found cards he probably planned to give her. Such love!
@@jbrown2908 yup & working on rediscovering who we were before they got ahold of us!
@@apples107 awww I'm sorry. My friends watched mine love bomb his new supply on sm I didn't have access to, I found out much later. Nobody told me. People are bizarre. I'm happy to be alone.
I’m older as well, but I’d rather know what freedom and peace feels like. To wake up and know I’m not in servitude. Older and feeling more beautiful than ever before. Remember some people never get out.
@@dorisfields6718 ♥️♥️♥️
You’re my soul brother. Indian woman here with both narc parents. Everything you say resonates.
Married in '94. I left the home in April 2021.....divorced a year later. He did not take it well, he raged and threatened me. But severing the bond was worth it.... 💖🙏✨⛱️☮️
33 years, and shortly after I FINALLY figured it out, he came home with a smile on his face and with laughter in his voice, told me he had 3 months to live. Before this he told me I was nothing but an obligation to him.
Reminds me of when I told my house and that I filed for a divorce. He had this strange looking grin on his face as if he was so happy . He followed up by saying “oh do I need to get a lawyer also?”….so sorry - hopefully you are stronger now.
Just be aware , ex what ever you want to call it .
I remember telling my mate I was going to finish with the Nac at the time , the ex walks crying saying he has cancer , well I started crying, even his daughter ring who wasn't speaking to him previously crying. My best mate rang me and said " I'm so sorry mate to hear about ex ,I said how do you know ? She said it's all over Facebook" and guess what 10 yr plus still trying figure what cancer he has 🤦🏾♀️
They sense when you want to break up.
33years of soul sucking. But I realized no-one can really take your soul they just confuse it with chaos. See clearly now after education and divorce. Thanks doc
The stress from these people will do you in.
Thank you Dr Danish. I am married for almost 20 years now to a narc and l know for him it is about status and is always bragging to his friends about being married for long time long time
Same! Married 21 years to a narc and he never says happy anniversary or does anything to celebrate but he brags to his friends about how long we've been together.
Yeah, always counting the years, puts zero effort into dates, but dates as much as he can outside the marriage?!
@@apples107 I wish mine would cheat so I can have reason to leave that everyone can understand.
Thank you Danish, for validating what really happens when you’re married to a narcissist. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. My mind is exhausted from dealing with this person for 24 years.
Your video is right on. We, codependents, empaths or whatever we are called need to hear the truth more and more so we keep waking up. Thanks.
I’ve been with my narcissistic husband for 38 years. He admits he acts like a baby and I am the “strong one” he says and he admits he can’t stand that and wonders why I have changed in recent years and says he can’t “read” me and it upsets him greatly. I never knew why he was so nasty to me and nothing I did was ever right, even though I did everything he said to the letter. But I have realized what a narcissist is and he hates it that I don’t let him get under my skin anymore….he says I must change if we are to go on together. I am not going back to the way I was and I do what I want now. 😊
May I ask why you stay married to him?
@@tracysprenger8622 First it was the kids, then it was the money. He makes good money and I am old now and dependent on him.
Married 30 yrs here. I had a mental breakdown for multiple reasons about 6 yrs ago. During my long recovery, I learned a lot about myself and my husband. I think he basically abandoned me, not leaving, like divorce, just moving to another room and having no relationship, choosing his dogs over me, but maybe it was a good thing, because I found myself. I no longer do, or feel I must do whatever he says. I turn my own key. When he tells me to do something, I ignore him and watch the aggravation. lol. I know, I'm sick too, very codependent. I have always chose to stay because of the kids. I knew that if I left, I would have absolutely no control over what, how or who would be around my kids. I stayed for control.
I listen to your videos quite a lot Danish and I can clearly see how much abuse you have received. This abuse you experienced ( indirectly, as a positive outcome - please don't misunderstand me ) turned you into a very intelligent, sensitive man, who helps the others who went through similar situations. God bless you and thank you for all your hard work. I pray that God will put peace in your heart one day, will heal you, all of us here. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Parasite is the perfect example. Thank you.
Yes. Parasite is who they are. Precisely parasite.
My narcissist husband and I have been married for almost 42 years. He has been out of the house due to a medical problem the past 1 1/2 years and it's been Heaven. I think the parenting one is right on and also the last one with public image being important. We are Christians and he had been divorced before and his parents (both narcs) were really upset by it. Also, I think I fell for him because he reminded me of my Mom who is also a narc. I was never able to please her growing up and I think I thought that I could make it better by pleasing him. NO
2 narcissists together, like the grandiose and vulnerable are a powerhouse; i was the unfortunate one kid they had to have to fit in too; at least mom was honest enough to actually tell me that
My parents married for 20 years until recently when my father kicked mom out of the house like a dog for a woman 10 years younger than her. Even financial assistance he didn't want to give her. The reason their marriage lasted that long was because 1 mother was financially dependent on this man 2 family and religious pressure because divorce was not seen as a good thing 3 she was afraid of him as he raged as a lunatic when things don't go his way. If this man didn't expell her, she would had surely stayed in this marriage. Now that she is out she will much rather die than go back to him
After 49 years of marriage I decided not to feast the Golden marriage. There is no reason for it. But I feel victorious, I survived, I raised 4 engineers that are not narcissists, and I kept the family together, with all those new girls-suppliers that may have appeared (I’ve never seen one). Actually, I new that no one of those prospective suppliers were good enough as me: engineer myself, beautiful, well born and sensual. I had supply for 3 narcissists like him, I’ve never run out of money or beauty. How a narcissist could have left it?
So, there is nothing to celebrate in my marriage, but there is a nice and prosperous big family to help me in my seventies. I kept the marriage because I’m strong and brave, not for the contrary.
You kept the marriage at what cost to you?😢
I am glad to hear that! I am in it for 30 years now. I like to think I kept the marriage because I am strong and brave too. My kids are not narcissists and are doing well. Thanks.
My ex was married 20 years to his ex wife. Dated me 9 months and went back to her. She is so trauma bonded that when he was with me she bugged him all the time with texts, sending boob pictures etc. He loved being chased I guess. He has been back and forth with her about 6 times now. They dont get along but I guess she meets his needs in a way that us other women didnt. She is selling her beautiful home to live in his run down trailer. She is nuts, living under HIS roof, she will be under his control 100% and if she complains, he can kick her out. That will indeed keep her in line. Glad its her and not me.
You really dodged a bullet with him they both sound trauma bonded and co dependent - they’re tied to each other in unhealthy ways how depressing
If he’s going back and forth with her and you, you’re trauma bonded with him too. You even sound jealous because that’s what he wants. Sadly both of you are being used against each other. She’s married to him and you’re the side piece. If you are his side piece you are out of order because at the end of day he’s still married to his Wife and not you. You are giving him Validation too. The wife is doing what she’s supposed do trying to work on their relationship
I thank you for your knowledge and insight. I watch you and notice that I bob my head up and down in agreement. I lived with this insanity for more than 50 years.
🥺🥺🥺
Having a partner makes them look normal.
lol yes i laugh cause the longer it takes, much later people look at them like ' what a weirdo ' cause also the narc is breaking down bit by bit over the years
I am continuously crying watching the video by Danish and he is God to me..such eye openers his videos are..i am amazed at how accurately he describes narc abuse survivors ' life... and the comments section..hats off to you wonderful people who came out of the abusive relationships with narcs.. hope i find the courage too..soon..❤
I will pray daily that the time and the opportunity come to you soon to leave. My mother was a narcissist and my step-daughter is one. I cut all contact and my life is happy. Remember, it's not as hard as living with it every day. When you leave you make room for joy in your life. And there's absolutely nothing as frightening as living with a narcissist. You have handled the worst. Please don't doubt that you can leave and you can be happy. Please don't stay trapped. You're in my prayers.
@@kateg7298 thankyou so much for your kind words.. your words give me lots of hope.. love and light to you 💕
DO IT NOW!
He is by all means not God, but our God is working through him.
You are VERY good, sir. Your personal, candid speaking is very refreshing. Both my parents were narcissists, too They divorced and could never leave each other alone. Lots of courts. Lots of pettiness. Both sides of the family, everyone, rallied on their side and it was a war I've yet to recover from. They are mostly all dead and I'm 51. Miserable, mean-spirited, vindictive, controlling people. It was Hell. I can only imagine what you went through, sir. And you are a miracle to have come out of this so lucid and self-actualized.. peace be with you
🙋🙋🙋
Everything he says in this video is 100 percent true. On point
I was only nine months with him. He actually told me that he wanted me to become his 'slave', towards the end .
I feel like a train has passed over me. So exhausted by him...
Mine sucked the life out of me. I looked anorexic in a few months. I must have stopped eating. Glad to be free. This is crazy stuff... glad to know what it all was now thanks to you tube.
@@tracysprenger8622 it IS crazy stuff.
I am happy for you, although I don't know.
I am sending you my love and positive thoughts!
I have been through everything you said for 32 years.I gave him a divorce 2 years ago,after watching your videos that made me realise that the abuse wasn't my fault.
This breaks my heart for my dad. Mother is covert narc, they were married 60 years. He passed 2 years ago, and she won’t die. 😢
😅
they find a kind, empath that supports them
Oh what a painful reality this is! I have been married 37 years to a man I FINALLY came to the conclusion was indeed a narcissist (the covert variety) He was an only child with an alcoholic, dismissive father. In addition; I have discovered that he is also a functioning alcoholic!!!! How on earth is it possible to be SO SO blind... is beyond my understanding. 😭So much of what you've said here is confirmed by many of his behaviours. We have 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren. My kids were my 'dream' - which was only ever to be married and have kids. I was a stay-at-home Mom; our 2 daughters are also stay-at-home mom's. I am so proud of them! However, after the revelation of our highly imperfect marriage... (everything was ALWAYS MY FAULT) I FINALLY LEFT. I didn't know at that moment what the TRUE reality was; only that I could not bear another minute with this man. What made so much of this hidden; is that he is an introvert and a 'sup half full, realist' where I had always been a bubbly, happy-go-lucky person who loved life and loved to laugh. I honestly believed I had it all... (certainly not perfection, but 'happy') The the Covid pandemic hit and we were locked up together (this was shortly after he retired) did his really negative, narcissist traits come to the fore (the gaslighting, projecting, dismissing) Honestly, it wasn't until I left to go rent a trailer for a month did I have the complete freedom to reflect, search my soul and understand WHY I was SO UNHAPPY. A women that I met while away casually mentioned (as she was divorced and we hung out one evening, and shared some war stories of marriage when she said " He sounds like a Narcissist!") THEN the whole picture fell to pieces and I was able to see what had gone on with the eyes of understanding. WHOA!!! I never believed myself to be 'perfect' but rather very flawed; yet still an eternal optimist. Having had no bonding or connection with my own parents I can definitely see how the wounds of rejection and abandonment have factored into my life journey. I am a weird combination of optimist, goal setter, goofy happy person, but with a 'underpinning' of damaged self esteem. I have been such a confident person most of my life which makes this all the more tragic and bizarre. Ultimately, after telling him I could no longer remain in the relationship he did the number one thing counsellors say to avoid. He ran to our kids - sharing everything about our marriage difficulties... They have COMPLETELY SHUNNED ME. I have not seen or heard from them now for over 7 months!!! I have been completely destroyed. Shunned, betrayed and alone. In the last few years he managed to isolate me from most of my previous friendships... We stopped going to church. So I have no community sort of connections at all. I did not believe that this was remotely possible but my kids; I realize have been 'brainwashed' for their entire lives - to see me as flawed. Depression, migraines... for decades. I found myself realizing that so much of the physical and mental issues that plagued me were likely due to the stress of the relationship. Recognizing that I can now only be responsible for MY decisions; I have had to accept that I may never have a connection or relationship with my kids. Reading about PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME was very discouraging. That sometimes those relationships are never renewed. Utterly UNBELIEVABLE. But I am a Christian woman and because of my faith in Jesus Christ I have managed to carry on. He has been totally wicked and cruel in attempts to obtain a separation agreement... He has control of all of the money essentially. I was SO trusting. He did in deed take advantage of my inheritance!! We spent all of mine (as it happened my parents died first) and I later discovered that he had put his inheritance into an account in HIS NAME ONLY. So he is therefore entitled to exempt those monies from any asset split. He essentially is trying to rob me blind, now that he no longer has control over me. There was no warning... I was just trusting, self-blaming and naive. NOW I am paying the literal price for that. May God demonstrate His sovereignty over this trial and prevent my complete financial destruction. 😩🙏 Depleted, nearly destroyed emotionally and psychologically; but on the road to healing 🎉☔
Your faith in Jesus Christ will carry you through. He is your protector and provider. Lean on Him, I pray for His healing over you. Keep your eyes focused your Savior.
Yes; thank you. This is the only truth I can cling to... It is incredibly hard; but I trust that He's working in the background and I hope to see victory and complete freedom soon 🥰@@saraholson8711
Thanks for sharing. It is really hard to be alienated by your kids.
It happens that as Christians, we become very trusting of whom we have chosen as life partners. May God's healing be perfected over you. Stay blessed
Before marriage my husband even touched my feet saying I am like his mother
Yes. To look after him - he’s a “
baby “
Hello Danish, thank you so much for assisting me in changing my life.
For my brother it is fear. He is married to a narcissist, but he is also a member of a legalistic church. The church told him he would go to hell if he divorces. He believes them. He is so scared of dying and spending eternity in hell, that he is willing to live hell on earth. He has been married for 32 long and miserable years. It is crazy!
I don't believe he would go to hell if he divorced. Honestly, I used to have a lot of fear about going to hell for other sins like bad thoughts, not doing enough good works, etc. but never worried divorcing a serial cheater would send me there. Then, I discovered God's grace. Jesus paid for all sins in full on the cross so we could go to heaven when we believe He did this for us. (Ephesians 2:8-9) If we keep looking at our own works, we will forever worry we are going to hell. And honestly, the Corinthian babes in Christ could never have been called babes IN CHRIST if they needed to avoid enough sin and do enough good works (1 Corinthians 3). Of course, it's great to try to avoid sin and live for God. There are potential earthly consequences and potential loss of rewards in Heaven. But, I don't believe divorcing in these circumstances is even a sin...
I was going to say he’s already in hell💀
He doesn't have to divorce her. He can just leave. There are too many Bible verses that say how to treat a narcissist.
Going thru divorce at present I can resonate with each and every point u made. 15years till I finally woke up, thank u for your insights on TH-cam
22 yrs over here!! Divorce Final last month🥳
They just want a free housekeeper
And a cook, a sex toy, a care giver/parent/therapist, and a punching bag.
They want everything for free...
Or in my Filipina case a Black with Mildrew White Bathroom.
That my Mum saw then cleaned.
@natthebratster Care Giver, what a Joke of the century, they throw children down the stairs and hit elder patients over the head with wooden spoons. Rake Em.
him and I have been married for 43 yrs. but he has had affairs and many other things
I think staying married for appearances is particularly strong with religions like Christianity. Even Pastors who claim to be sympathetic about the abuse will generally insist that it is a sin to separate or divorce. 🙄 And, of course, since I am the one who left, I am the hardhearted, unforgiving, unrepentant sinner, and my poor ex is the real victim, getting all the sympathy and support and attention while he also alienates our children from me.
Wait until he has to stand before Jesus, alone.
Many churches haven't woken up to this. I was told that when I went before my church, they wouldn't understand. I chose to forgive all of them in advance before I ever spoke to them. They eventually told us that although they believed the marriage was savable (it wasn't), divorce was what we should do. I haven't yet for financial reasons, but I spend most of my time at our first house.
Spiritual abuse does exist. Don't believe the lies.
I had no idea what a narc was until watching your videos. I had simply thought it was only his depression and I was helping him to be healthy and happy but then the worst had been happening throughout the years of his infidelity, mental and physical abuse and here I am sharing. I've become and empty vessel as a result and emotionally and completely unattached and worse I am still with the narc after 44 long years of unhappiness. Why did I stay? 1. The kids! I know now that was a big mistake. 2. I had become so ill and nowhere else to go. 3. No employment after the illness. 4. The embarrassment of telling anyone of the shame I felt having been warned not to go ahead with this marriage coming from my father, who was in fact a narc himself. 5. The financial ruin which was the last straw. Your videos have been very helpful to me as I am now working towards a goal of seeing myself leaving and living to the best capabilities of what I have left in the last few years of my life. I ignore him now and we live separately until I find a new place to move to god-willing sooner than later. Thank you for all your videos as they are always right on time.
This is 100% what my ex step-mom tried to do with my dad. After I figured out what she was doing, he divorced her. The reason I figured it out, was she accused me of doing exactly what she was doing. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I researched what was happening and it pointed to narcissism. And she did the transference thing too, like you were talking about, treating me like shit to get back at my dad. My poor dad had a horrible last couple years of his life. I felt bad for him. At least in the end, he was rid of her.
I was always wondering why I kept seeing things that say narcissists always leave. I wished so hard that mine would leave me, but he hasn’t. He likes to use our marriage for bragging. “I’ve been married to the same woman” blah blah blah. Thank you for finally validating my confusion on this subject. I am definitely mommy 2.0. I hate my life 😢
Thank you for sharing your insights, kindness and professionalism, Danish.
I have recently realized that BOTH of my parents were narcissists, but didn't realize that there are different types until you mentioned the two types of your parents in this video.
Reading up on their definitions, it is applicable and helps me understand more of why I picked the spouse that I did - and how to better cope.
Will watch more of your video's and more to slowly cope.
Thank you.
Be well.
💐
You are so wonderful Danish..there is light at the end of the tunnel with your videos..God bless you 💕
This is one of the best videos on narcissism. So accurately described. This makes so much sense what happened to me by someone.
Narcissists do not want a real spouse or a partner. They want to string you along but don't really want to have a relationship. They want you around to use and abuse. They could not care any less how they make you feel.
Yes. That False Image they worship.
This is exactly what Hattie me for 3 decades of my life until my children pull me out of him, thank you sir for this teachings