Shame is a complex problem. What do you think is the best solution? Let us know in the comments below or we have a discussion going on right now on our app available free here: bit.ly/2vE7MFv
For me the solution is realising you are not the author of you - free will is an illusion. You cannot be ashamed of being what you did not truly choose to be.
wow Mike Jones. So if free will is an illusion, then how could you be responsible for the mess you are in? That' one way to unburden yourself from self responsibility. A pathetic one, but if it works for you................
Shame is a guilt about something related to ourselves. And it is more present in people which try to much to be a good man. Shame differ at different situations.. and last thing... Anger destroy shame
They do it to make them feel better it’s a inferior or maybe a superior complex they gained Bc they hate themselves sooo much that it’s easier to hurt or shame others in order to not feel so guilty of not being worth it either
Stop telling yourself that you are beautiful, smart ect. and instead accept you flaws and remember that no one is perfect... Such a simple, but very different approach than the usual self love talk.. Thank you!
maiken larsen Agreed: positive affirmations are ridiculous, because the people that need to use them are not going to believe them. Another issue is that people who have a problem with shame often look to others and see perfection (at least I do), when in fact it is probably not there.
True about not really believing the affirmations anyway. Better to just not take life so seriously and laugh at and embrace your own and others mistakes and imperfections!
actually when you see all the weird varieties of porn that exists you begin to realize you just might be beautiful to someone out there........ you could have a nose the size of a potato and someone would be all hot and bothered by it.
And what makes you think you are not beautiful? We all make mistakes, we have our flaws but that doesn't mean we can't consider ourselves worthy and beautiful. That's where the true imperfection begins, accepting what you can't and can change, like other people's ideas, and your own thoughts.
If saying things like "I'm good enough" and "I'm beautiful" feel impossible or fake, try Bridge Thoughts. Make it simple and neutral. "I deserve human rights because I'm a human." "I deserve to exist because anyone else would." "My body is good because it carries me." "I'm allowed to eat because I need food to give me energy." Also... if you have a pet, it can be nice to remember that they love you (practically) unconditionally. You don't have to say the right words, you just have to take care of their health. My cats don't care that I didn't take out the trash as soon as I was asked, or that I was late for an assignment. They just love me because I love and care for them.
The reason for my low self-esteem is actually pride. I tell myself that I have to change the world but instead act like a coward, am too afraid to argue with anyone or take risks, get lazy at times, I'm not a genius... But if I accept my good AND bad sides, I'll be able to let go of the "revolutionary leader" or "YA book protagonist" ideal. And this way I'll be more useful for the world - my natural kindness, tolerance and creativity can do much good, even mixed with anxiety and overthinking.
@@ANGRYSUG humility is the acknowledgment of our humanity; our flaws, our assets, our fallible nature. It helps us let go of things we cannot control and keeps us the right size.
I know the feeling of working to change the world, but feeling that it my work, not my beingness that is what makes me worthy-just being is enough. I hope you are being courageous these days. Courage is all about having heart.
@@iaonspangler128 I agree! But just remember not to shame those who aren't so open-minded; I think this video can attest to a desire to escape from such cycles of shame - I also know "it's a shame" is a common expression, so this reply is half in earnest, half in jest
At 40 years old, I just figured out what caused my shame. He is right. Years of isolation gave me time to know where it started. Now I am educating myself on what shame means and trying to find balance.
This video made me cry..I am 26. I have suffered this through out my life. Unable to dance , sing or do anything infront of my parents because they have always been extremely judgemental .... Even today ,after trying for so many years to get over this, I suffer from this time to time. It's extremely damaging to an individual.
My father always told me that I would never amount to anything. That made me angry. I went from not having a high school diploma at age twenty to having a masters degree; got married (bad idea) but got two beautiful children who are emotionally healthy and happy... so far. I broke my father’s cycle. I have never said a single bitter word to my children... ever!!!! My point is, a person doesn’t always react in a destructive way to destructive stimuli.
Yes! I agree. Similar story. My mom was the witches wheel in the family. Whatever words or thoughts she thought always came back to me through my father or siblings turning against me . Because of my mom had it in for me.
Good on you for doing things so differently to your father. That's such an achievement to break that pattern and create a happy family for your children.
I have respect for people who break out of such a cycle. I never could. I gave up on life and accepted that type of sentiment: that I was a failure. The sad fact however is that it isn't what we choose that defines how well we do. It is our inherent attributes. Some believe they can't achieve and thus fail. Others actually can't achieve anything: whether they try or not. The latter case is often overlooked or ignored as a reality entirely.
Andrés CN Honestly I feel you. But it‘s a good feeling to see you‘re not alone with that. I wish there was a way we could see how many people think that way. I bet there would be surprises in there. You always compare your inside to another persons outside
Same... Also, for me, when someone says they love me, "Why would anyone want to have anything to do with me?", "Am I that wonderful to be loved this way or another?", etc...
I remember as a child I figured out that I was conceived as a tool for my father to control my mother, a mere pawn and a bad plan. Took me a long time to learn that does not define me. Proudly shame free
And also what u mentioned is pride. As we are not to point others awfulness ignoring ours . We cannot truly embrace someone else’s beauty without embracing ours.
This really resonated with me. I carry a big bag of shame with me everyday. Thank you for giving a different prospective, I would like to lose or at least lighten that bag one day. These types of videos really help
Truly beautiful, my father has, since the beginning of my life pointed out every minor flaw about me. The way I dress, talk, walk, and even see. It made me feel defective my whole life, it's so refreshing to see this video. Thank you school of life.
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "Humanity is truly perfect only through it's imperfections." It goes with the idea that we are all imperfect and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that.
just summed up my whole life. One day when I was feeling really bad about myself I managed to pinpoint the emotion as shame; shame that I was a slow/different learner all my life, shame that I was behind most of my peer group in milestone life achievements, shame that I was an underachiever working in a dead end job with no higher education. I thought I was the worst person in the world. Then I found this channel/ read articles about the perceptions other people have about themselves and realized that I was trapped in my own head with a severely diminished world view and that I am normal. I was surprised to feel how happy that made me, being normal.
Wow. I've always struggled with feeling "guilty" all the time for no clear reason but now I realize it is probably shame that I am feeling. Thank you for this video.
When I watched this video I couldn't stop thinking about my older brother and how much he judged me just for being. He humiliated me since I was born, he criticised every single thing in my life, my body, how I smell, how I talk, how stupid I am and my friends, and how boring is what I do and how bad music taste I have, the list goes forever. I am now at 32 trying to understand why is hard to approach girls if I'm an ok and gentle person.
Your older brother is either a narcissist or an angry, insecure person that takes it out on you. You don't deserve him man. If you wanna talk, I'll be a friend. As for girls, I'll tell you the truth. You will never have a girl to love, if you don't focus and love on yourself first. Your brother surely has flaws he hides, yet he forgets his own imperfections and shames you all the time. He's wrong. You deserve an older bro who supports you. Try on rewarding yourself with a nice bath every other day. Whenever I'm humid or sweating it gets me angry and irritable, a nice helping of water is amazing. Then, maybe start exercising for 10-15 minutes. Keep patient, and take small steps. Then try learning how to cook some simple food to help with your physical and emotional health. Simple rice with chicken meals, salads, etc. Be good with yourself. Know what you can and cannot do. I'm very sure you're an awesome person on the inside, that person is waiting to come out my guy. I believe in you!
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
first rule of living a happy life, know yourself. If you do so, few things will make you feel shame. It is a long process but when you know yourself you w
kirikei I would like to be able to do that. I work really hard to know myself everyday for now 10 years and it's made a difference. But the shame is still there. Always.
As someone who has issues with chronic shame, I think you described the problem excellently. Remembering that every human is imperfect and terrible in their own ways is very comforting. Thank you.
This is again one of those diamonds by School of life; One video making you feel so much better about life. The point in the end is so powerful in it's simplicity and truthfulness. It is a point that cannot be repeated too much, since we people forget way too easily.
And of course the people the clip was referring to are *almost always* one (or both) of our parents. It can take years to shake that trauma and perpetual feeling of insufficiency.
Ivares Kesner It is often one or both parents, but sometimes it is schoolmates and teachers. Forget years--I've been dealing with this shit for a lifetime and I'm still deep in it. Those early mental programs can be impossible to get beyond.
first its your parents or grand parents and siblings.... then they are traded in for spouses who take up the challenge of putting you in your proper place. and before you know it, you catch yourself treating your imperfect child like shit because you realize they are just like you. It takes a strong clever person to recognize and break the cycle early on.
Ivares, I was wondering if you think there could be one small core of shame, guilt, fear, self loathing tucked deep inside the wonderful 'inheritance' from your parents that is impregnable to therapy, self help books/videos, virtuous behavior, self work and will only die with you. This doesn't mean you can't have a great life, only that you do recognize it bubbling up from time to time and/or it can cause unconscious self sabotage at the worse possible moments. My therapist says no - the devil can be caste out completely. I disagree. What are your's and others' thoughts on this.
People with shame are fairly easy to spot. They are usually overly polite and suffer from addictions (eg. drug, alcohol, pills, food, etc). They are often socially awkward if sober and appear needy if in a relationship. Parents who shame their children have been shamed themselves and have not resolved the issue; they actually pass it onto the next generation unknowingly. The only thing I have seen work to get rid of shame is some forms of meditation (kundalini), cognitive therapy, psychedelics or hypnosis (EMDR). But the crucial element is to understand that shame is a frequency pattern that people get addicted to. To get rid of it, one needs to change his/her frequency and replace with something else more positive to build self-esteem. No pill can help with shame (except for temporarily numbing the brain). That's the best they can do for you. It is rather exceptional that psychotherapy alone conquer it permanently.
It helps me to have a sense of humor about my flaws. I laugh at them before anyone else can. That way when someone brings them up, it doesn't feel like a big deal.
I have vulnerable narcissism and many have told me that my upbringing had brought upon this personality disorder, but I refused to see my family in a bad light. I am in a literal paradox because my narcissism is telling me my family is too perfect to have caused me to have narcissism. However, this video has taught me one thing, which is to let go of the standards of perfection. Leave the judgement altogether and have a fresh unbiased and unjaded mind and let see what happens.
“We prefer to think well of our care givers...” HA! I’ve uncovered all of the bs and am currently going through all of the memories to heal. It’s hard, but it’s necessary. Some days I’m even paralyzed with fear and have to ground myself. But, I’m here. Thank you all for what you do. 💓
This actually helped a lot. Knowing that we’re all flawed, a lot of people aren’t perfect, not to give excuses of our own downfalls, but to say we should give mercy and we should show kindness when people make mistakes because we’re flawed too. Giving people second chances it’s almost better than giving everybody a high standard and then being disappointed or angry when they fail. It’s so much kinder to just realize that we’re all crazy and we all deserve mercy and to live.
I have constantly struggled with guilt and shame in the past years and one thing that really helped me out was just telling people about the things that I was guilty of. I came to realize that I was overly critical of myself and demanding perfection would only worsen my idealized view of my own worth.
I am really shy person and I feel so much shame but nothing helps me. I feel like I the bad things happening are real and they aren't just in my head. I feel like I'm product of my city and the people who live in it...
Hello Michael. I am ver sorry to hear that. I had a lot of issues with shame too, but I am working on it. There is a video on this channel called ' Overcoming bad inner voices'. I wrote a comment under that video and shared some sources that helped me. If you wish, take a look. Many greetings and best wishes :- )
school of life TH-cam channel is one of the very few places i feel totally accepted and loved. Thank you School of life. I don't know what i would do without you guys. I wanna be part of your organization at a significant level
I hate how accurately you hit my trigger points. It takes a lot of courage to even watch one video as I'm scared of each of them. Thank you helping me realize myself
Great timing on the video since im just starting at school, where i really dont know anyone, and the ones i do know have a history of bullying me. I needed this a lot since i believe am lesser of a human being than my peers. Thank you.
Hello there Sadbwoy! I am very sorry to hear that. You know, there was a famous writer in Turkey who was a very small boy as a kid. So he had always been bullied every time he started a new school. He says the best strategy he had found in the end was NOT to pay attention to those folks at all. That would make them lose their enthusiasm and soon they would leave you in peace. You should also keep this in mind:If those people NEED to make someone feel miserable, in order to feel a little better about themselves, indeed they are much more insecure than you, right? And if they are being cruel to you ,you would not want their frienship anyhow. One of my favourite movies of all times is ''Mask'' by Peter Bogdanovich. Please watch it! By the way I am so glad you have found your way to this channel. Here you will find all the support you need. Many greetings from Turkey :- )
sadbwoy2001 There are some nice comments here, but simply acting like it doesn't bother you will not work. If this kid is being bullied, he/she needs to tell someone: parents, teachers, the cops if necessary. This kind of stuff can have life-long effects on a person and it is not to be taken lightly. You have my utmost sympathies kid. I was in the same boat as you when I was in school. I never had help, and feelings of shame and inadequacy have crippled me my whole life. Tell someone what is going on, and DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE TELL YOU IT'S YOUR FAULT. Best of luck 👍
I was ashamed through out my childhood by everyone including my parents and I developed borderline personality. I started to rage and due to lack of psychology nobody knew what is wrong. To this day my mother can play on my nerves perfectly and I have to tolerate her as she is mother
thank you so much for videos of this kind. they make me be less judgemental to myself by helping me with realisation that i shouldn't be ashamed of myself for being imperfect. you make me turning into a better person firstly for myself. i'm profoundly grateful for your valuable and healing input to my struggling with severe depression
I used to be very ashamed of myself, like literally refusing to have happiness or a good life but then after a lot of social interactions and knowing that other people also make mistakes I feel much better( I still do feel ashamed sometimes but not as bad as before).
So spot on. I love the advice. So simple and something I will start putting into practice. Shame and guilt eats me up inside for as long as I can remember.
I've just been realizing the underlying shame in my life that has been hiding and disguised under a strong sense of ambition + achievement., so the fact that this video just came out is fitting!
Oh my fuck. After watching 50 or so of your videos THİS is the one that spoke directly to my soul. İ feel like my whole being has been read aloud. İ hope i can get through this phase.
Every time I watch this (and basically any School of Life video) I feel relieved, like a giant rock has been removed from inside my chest. Not only do they explain the problem in an enlightened way, they actually give thoughtful, practical methods for reframing how one feels about the whole thing. Thank you for this, and for existing.
My God... you've described me so well. Incredible. Even the part of holding my parents up on a pedestal and not wanting to blame anyone but myself... leading to feeling even more shame.
lots arises in me as I watch this video. mainly this: I'm falling, again, for another unavailable person... because the illusion and fantasy and escape of this person, is all I've got... so I let myself fall. let myself get attached. because I'm old now, and the deepest shame and agony of my life, is that I've never-ever been in an intimate-romantic relationship... and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me. fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair, wanting, needing, desperation... so I cling, achingly, to anyone that shows me: any attention...
Can some negative emotions actually be a positive catalyst for change? If you always feel good about yourself you will never change your actions even if they are wrong. Shame should be felt for those that do bad things, and that should trigger a positive change in behavior.
Michael Jay - Value Investing The video distinguished between guit and shame early on. Guilt is temporary, more removed from who you are; it is a response to a feeling about an *action* that one has committed. Shame is the deep seated feeling of disgust for ones self, usually for things one can't control. It a judgement of your very core, and one which leads to the downward spiral of a destroyed self esteem. Growing and learning from mistakes is good, and is one thing- thinking you are a worthless pile of garbage for no reason, is another.
Michael Jay - Value Investing A healthy amount of shame about the *right things* is definitely a catalyst for growth and positive change. But in this instance I think the video was referring to a toxic, overwhelming and overpowering shame instilled in us by the narcissists around us. The type of shame that is unreasonable, unhelpful and unproductive.
I can see your point but here is the thing; in life, there is this one lesson that I wish everyone would realize: you cannot become a better person if you feel ashamed. The narrator of this video understands that. Contrary to the popular belief, shaming someone doesn't make them a better person, it has the total opposite effect. To become better, you must first be at peace about who you are, what you've done and that even if you won't become a better person, you still, very much so, deserve to exist. Only then can you have the bravery to face your inner demon and fight it. It's kinda like Superman or Wonder Woman. They save people and defeat bad guy not only with their power, but also with their generosity, compassion and politeness. You don't see them going around berating the villains and shaming them. Learn from superheroes, they are beloved for a reason
It's astounding how much power a parent can have in influencing a child unfortunately if they happen to be narcissistic oh boi. Love to all the brothers and sisters we're stronger than this ❤ but people who put us in shame are not. Have mercy on them
Thank you a lot for your inspiring videos! What helped me against shame are persons who stayed kind of childish and therefore natural. I could see their whole beauty with all their wrinkles and connect to them. On TH-cam the French TH-camr Solange te parle inspired me very much, but also the musicians Björk and Gustav Mahler. Personally, I liked to record my voice. Many people told me I speak quietly and monotonous. Well, I got used to my voice and the method helped me learning French at the same time. Maybe this is my solution: Finding out the source of your shame and facing the source.
My source of shame came from me having scoliosis. When I was diagnosed with scoliosis I sought out a good friend and told her about it. The messages I received from my mom was. “Don’t tell anyone.” “Wear baggy clothes.” So this made me deeply ashamed because this was something that I couldn’t share with people. I couldn’t share with people what I was going through or try to get support in anyway. No one can see it or know about it. I felt deformed and I definitely feel into depression were my primary thoughts were that I wish I didn’t exist. I felt so unworthy of anything.
Thank you the SOL! I’ve become more aware of examining myself from distance and identifying the problems I had with shame throughout my childhood. Every human being is beautiful in their own way.
Grateful for this video.. been feeling so much shame my whole life. Hung my head low.. never dared to speak up confidently. About time I be compassionate towards myself…
Hey Alaine, I think you should re-do a new video on shame. I realize a lot cannot recognize the feeling of shame, yet it plays such a huge role in our everyday lives, some more than others. We’d all benefit from this.
The consequences of shame are spot on, every single one. I experienced all of these, and still remember how it feels like to live like that. The way out is just like the video says. Embrace your and others' flaws, and love yourself. We don't allow people to get close to us. We're not so good on physical intimacy. We don't like parties. We have a lot of secrets. We go in for addictive tendencies. It takes years to overcome shame, but when you're out, you are truly free. Never give up. Fake it til you make it!
I've rarely felt so understood and transparent as I have watching this video. It describes my life. Often, people I've known have judged my behaviors not while not be able or willing to understand my actions were driven by biting shame that have been beaten into me, emotionally, psychologically and physically my life. It's crushing when you meet different people and they come to similar conclusions about you. First and foremost, I try to find the resolve to convince myself that I'm not worthless.
It's all about me. I have been ashamed of myself and scared of other people all my life (and I am over 40 already). Thanks, mum and dad and grandma....
This is so true but you need to be careful not to get too convinced of your brokenness because it ends up making you hate yourself/self-sabotage. Humility, self-forgiveness and radical self acceptance help with shame but we can also work towards objective goodness and self-love. Loving yourself truly does take forgiveness and courage
this actually helped me a lot. I'm currently struggling with a lot of guilt from my childhood, but this did make me feel better, even if I am still working on forgiveness.
I was shamed by teachers and female students at school, and bullied or teased and ostracized by most other students, then body shamed as an adult for having pale skin, going bald, having sexual desires, etc. Typically the shaming comes as a zinger out of the blue, unprovoked, from people (or a person) I hardly know. It happens once or twice each year. I have found the best thing to do is counterattack with a sarcastic comment like "yeah like you're so wonderful.” It is better to empower yourself to respond, perhaps "in kind," than to ignore the shaming. I used to try to ignore other peoples' negativity towards me but that feels wrong, since it leads to me feeling I have "failed myself" leading to worse self-esteem. I know I am worthy of being loved, because I can and do actively love myself (work in the garden, look after investments, read good books, go on nature hikes, take hot baths, buy a few nice clothes and cook my own organic food). Is there any sense in living like a doormat? While I agree we ought to recognize we are not perfect, and neither is anyone else, if more of us "shamed folk" would push back against the negative judgments of the world, maybe the world will learn and improve.
I feel like this is the great underlying 'pandemic' of mental health that has been in existence since the very concept of it first emerged in human history. Love this video! We need to learn and remind ourselves that no one is perfect. Gotta remember and keep going!
these videos are so full of useful, important information that i feel the need to watch them multiple times so I can assimilate all the things being said
You put it as a postulate that those who suffer from shame had terrible parents who are the cause of their shame. My life has been plagued with shame, and nevertheless I ve had wonderfully supportive parents...
Great video, and a huge help. Since watching it I have been thinking about shame and glory, what I mean is if we don't accept our shame we try to cover up the feelings or lack of feelings with glory. Maybe an achievement or a new car or sleeping around, drugs over eating whatever it is, my point is it's a bottomless pit that will never be filled until we admit and integrate our shame.
You believe that it was only our caregivers, when we were children, who would say these things. Au contraire. Everyone says these things, all the time, whether to your face or behind your back. The "kinder" people we meet are the rarity, the exception, whose "kindness" can be as manipulative and as deceptive as those who put us down. Feeling shame is not an aberration. It is the default. And, increasingly, a tool by which people can be manipulated.
This forgotten to talk about another source of shame. The shame that comes from not meeting the expectations of those that thought highly of us in our youth. The shame that comes from just not being good enough to meet those expectations.
Yep. Over-praise can be harmful too. I had one parent who was very critical and who I could never please and one who insisted I was literally the smartest, most beautiful, talented person in the world. Imagine how confused I was lol! It was a hard awakening to learn that I wasn't just naturally going to succeed in life because of being the best ever at everything lol. But after getting over that hump, the other critical voice completely took over.
I suffer from this exact kind of shame that you are talking about. I performed exceedingly below my expectations in an exam 8 years ago. My core perspective about myself is still defined by that event. I wish I could like myself again.
This is a great help to see the feelings of abhoring oneself are normal for shame. In my case my shame is due to the fact that I can’t earn enough money to pay bills and eat too, it’s one or the other. I wasnt able to go to college so I can only get a low paying job, i live in constant shame of myself for this.
I'm a 10 across the board. It's not just that you're told that in childhood. It's that you're told that all the time up to the present day and it's constantly verified over and over.
You guys always seem to post something relevant at the time of need ahaha I was literally thinking about this just as you posted it thanks for the awesome positive insights !! 👌🏻🙏🔮
The reason why I like this channel is bcoz they are so informative, soothing by not just identifying the cause for problem but throwing out strategies more of changing our perspective. After watching video I feel light and good, at least I am somewhere near threshold.
I agree with everything that was said in the video. However, I think there's also a positive side of shame. For instance, when you've done something wrong and feel shame (or others make you feel it) and that shame can encourage you to change that wrong behaviour especially if it's a bad habit.
This was stated as feeling guilty at the start of the video. "The guilty feel bad for something specific they have done" Sometimes that guilty feeling can be the push that we need but usually I don't think it's working on long term. For example I started learning Japanese and found it absolutely amazing therefore in two year I was nearly at an advanced level. On the other hand it took me around 12 years to be intermediate at English. The big difference was I was doing the bare minimum to avoid the guilty feeling for English but for Japanese I didn't even care how much I know because I was enjoying the process. The same can go for loosing weight. Some people want to loose weight because of shame but they are unable to do it. Their motivation is to get rid of the shame but this is a loop. If they were to loose weight the motivation would go away therefore they would gain weight again. And putting shame on somebody is risky because it can lead to cognitive dissonance where the person looses interest in the subject. In my case with English and my native tongue Hungarian I was always scolded for not doing well in class so instead of learning more I started to think that it's not even an important thing to learn and I don't sense for languages. (now I know it was a lie for myself to don't feel bad)
Watch the first few minutes again. You are describing guilt for something wrong. Shame is for being wrong as a person, like you have no right to exist.
Thank you. This has been so helpful, hopeful and consoling at a time when I feel like pulling this icky thing from inside to out of me, like a sticky icky shedding.
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Shame is a complex problem. What do you think is the best solution? Let us know in the comments below or we have a discussion going on right now on our app available free here: bit.ly/2vE7MFv
The School of Life... I will really appreciate if you configure subtitles in Spanish too, in this and all of your videos. Thank you so much.
For me the solution is realising you are not the author of you - free will is an illusion. You cannot be ashamed of being what you did not truly choose to be.
Mike Jones That is a great solution.
wow Mike Jones. So if free will is an illusion, then how could you be responsible for the mess you are in? That' one way to unburden yourself from self responsibility. A pathetic one, but if it works for you................
Shame is a guilt about something related to ourselves. And it is more present in people which try to much to be a good man. Shame differ at different situations.. and last thing... Anger destroy shame
I've often found that people who judge others harshly have very high standards that they themselves fail to measure up to.
Yes, that is why they say you must first love yourself before you can love others
They do it to make them feel better it’s a inferior or maybe a superior complex they gained Bc they hate themselves sooo much that it’s easier to hurt or shame others in order to not feel so guilty of not being worth it either
Well said !
Yes...i believe that is ALMOST 100% the truth!
*basically me*
Stop telling yourself that you are beautiful, smart ect. and instead accept you flaws and remember that no one is perfect... Such a simple, but very different approach than the usual self love talk.. Thank you!
maiken larsen Agreed: positive affirmations are ridiculous, because the people that need to use them are not going to believe them. Another issue is that people who have a problem with shame often look to others and see perfection (at least I do), when in fact it is probably not there.
True about not really believing the affirmations anyway. Better to just not take life so seriously and laugh at and embrace your own and others mistakes and imperfections!
actually when you see all the weird varieties of porn that exists you begin to realize you just might be beautiful to someone out there........ you could have a nose the size of a potato and someone would be all hot and bothered by it.
Haha xD Definitely also a way to view it! No one is perfect, but someone is bound to view you as being perfect!
And what makes you think you are not beautiful? We all make mistakes, we have our flaws but that doesn't mean we can't consider ourselves worthy and beautiful. That's where the true imperfection begins, accepting what you can't and can change, like other people's ideas, and your own thoughts.
As a video editor and motion graphics artist, I find the videos on this channel not only informative but aesthetically remarkable.
BanditRants your videos are like a mix of Vox, KaptianKristian and LEMMINO.
How true! Most of them are extremely effective, in addition to being aesthetically exciting. A daily joy!
Hey make more videos... 👌
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Aa2
If saying things like "I'm good enough" and "I'm beautiful" feel impossible or fake, try Bridge Thoughts. Make it simple and neutral. "I deserve human rights because I'm a human." "I deserve to exist because anyone else would." "My body is good because it carries me." "I'm allowed to eat because I need food to give me energy."
Also... if you have a pet, it can be nice to remember that they love you (practically) unconditionally. You don't have to say the right words, you just have to take care of their health. My cats don't care that I didn't take out the trash as soon as I was asked, or that I was late for an assignment. They just love me because I love and care for them.
Well, thank you
I feel like that all the time , thank you this helps.
So touching 😊💓
This is i what i like it thank you so much
@Tim Schmidt You need to stop, and you need to get help.
The reason for my low self-esteem is actually pride. I tell myself that I have to change the world but instead act like a coward, am too afraid to argue with anyone or take risks, get lazy at times, I'm not a genius...
But if I accept my good AND bad sides, I'll be able to let go of the "revolutionary leader" or "YA book protagonist" ideal. And this way I'll be more useful for the world - my natural kindness, tolerance and creativity can do much good, even mixed with anxiety and overthinking.
Wow you just described me 😔
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."
--Uncle Iroh
@@ANGRYSUG humility is the acknowledgment of our humanity; our flaws, our assets, our fallible nature. It helps us let go of things we cannot control and keeps us the right size.
I know the feeling of working to change the world, but feeling that it my work, not my beingness that is what makes me worthy-just being is enough. I hope you are being courageous these days. Courage is all about having heart.
This!!!👏🏼
I want to live in a world where The School of Life philosophy is the standard approach to life.
Georgiana Bere I want this too. Can we make it happen?
I've often thought that, it's a shame more people aren't as open-minded as the creators of these videos
@@iaonspangler128 I agree! But just remember not to shame those who aren't so open-minded; I think this video can attest to a desire to escape from such cycles of shame - I also know "it's a shame" is a common expression, so this reply is half in earnest, half in jest
I cannot believe that philosophy is only taught in higher education. We should teach it to children of course.
Agree. I wish it would happen.
"I'm so ugly, but that's ok 'cause so are you." (Nirvana)
Nice
Dude I love that lyric right there
How has this not gotten more likes?! 😊
Broke our mirrors💓
❤️
At 40 years old, I just figured out what caused my shame. He is right. Years of isolation gave me time to know where it started. Now I am educating myself on what shame means and trying to find balance.
how is your life going
This video made me cry..I am 26.
I have suffered this through out my life.
Unable to dance , sing or do anything infront of my parents because they have always been extremely judgemental .... Even today ,after trying for so many years to get over this, I suffer from this time to time.
It's extremely damaging to an individual.
Shame is incredibly damaging. I'd go as far to say Psychological Abuse. I wish you well ❤
My father always told me that I would never amount to anything. That made me angry. I went from not having a high school diploma at age twenty to having a masters degree; got married (bad idea) but got two beautiful children who are emotionally healthy and happy... so far. I broke my father’s cycle. I have never said a single bitter word to my children... ever!!!! My point is, a person doesn’t always react in a destructive way to destructive stimuli.
Yes! I agree. Similar story. My mom was the witches wheel in the family. Whatever words or thoughts she thought always came back to me through my father or siblings turning against me . Because of my mom had it in for me.
beware
Good on you for doing things so differently to your father. That's such an achievement to break that pattern and create a happy family for your children.
I have respect for people who break out of such a cycle. I never could. I gave up on life and accepted that type of sentiment: that I was a failure.
The sad fact however is that it isn't what we choose that defines how well we do. It is our inherent attributes. Some believe they can't achieve and thus fail. Others actually can't achieve anything: whether they try or not. The latter case is often overlooked or ignored as a reality entirely.
@@a-sheepof-christ9027 true
This was the most reasonable and consolable explanation of shame that has been pulling me down from the inside.
I just paid $250 to a therapist to tell me this! Seriously.
Somewhat confused as to how anyone can see "drop ideals if you dont match them" as reasonable but i guess immaturity sells, especially on youtube.
Ok so this made me aware of how much shame I actually carry. So much...
the seasons of us Oh ok
...and then it suggested a method way to heal your shame at the end by accepting your humanity as a imperfect human being.
We all carry shame. Some of us are just more glorified than the rest.
Hah, I don't carry shame. I am shame ._.
Why would anyone be pleased to see me (?
Damm, I always think that...
Andrés CN Honestly I feel you. But it‘s a good feeling to see you‘re not alone with that. I wish there was a way we could see how many people think that way. I bet there would be surprises in there. You always compare your inside to another persons outside
I feel you. I am pleased to see someone who know how I feel.
It make me feel less alone.
Same...
Also, for me, when someone says they love me, "Why would anyone want to have anything to do with me?", "Am I that wonderful to be loved this way or another?", etc...
This is such a cute thread 💗 I‘m sorry you all feel this way too but it makes me happy to see we really aren‘t alone. I‘m sending love to you all
Andrés CN Because of that i can leave others easily
I remember as a child I figured out that I was conceived as a tool for my father to control my mother, a mere pawn and a bad plan. Took me a long time to learn that does not define me. Proudly shame free
The realization of all of us being odd and imperfect is great, but I find that looking for beauty in others helps me to find it in myself.
True beauty is trapped in urself looking for u to notice it. And it can only be done in true solitaire.
And also what u mentioned is pride. As we are not to point others awfulness ignoring ours . We cannot truly embrace someone else’s beauty without embracing ours.
This really resonated with me. I carry a big bag of shame with me everyday. Thank you for giving a different prospective, I would like to lose or at least lighten that bag one day. These types of videos really help
Truly beautiful, my father has, since the beginning of my life pointed out every minor flaw about me. The way I dress, talk, walk, and even see. It made me feel defective my whole life, it's so refreshing to see this video. Thank you school of life.
My father did the same!
My father did the same too!
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "Humanity is truly perfect only through it's imperfections." It goes with the idea that we are all imperfect and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that.
... Comfort ourselves from the Absurdity and Horror of living in a human form...
just summed up my whole life. One day when I was feeling really bad about myself I managed to pinpoint the emotion as shame; shame that I was a slow/different learner all my life, shame that I was behind most of my peer group in milestone life achievements, shame that I was an underachiever working in a dead end job with no higher education. I thought I was the worst person in the world. Then I found this channel/ read articles about the perceptions other people have about themselves and realized that I was trapped in my own head with a severely diminished world view and that I am normal. I was surprised to feel how happy that made me, being normal.
Wow. I've always struggled with feeling "guilty" all the time for no clear reason but now I realize it is probably shame that I am feeling. Thank you for this video.
I got bullied alot in primary school. I was never sure why. It always felt like I was being punished for existing.
When I watched this video I couldn't stop thinking about my older brother and how much he judged me just for being. He humiliated me since I was born, he criticised every single thing in my life, my body, how I smell, how I talk, how stupid I am and my friends, and how boring is what I do and how bad music taste I have, the list goes forever. I am now at 32 trying to understand why is hard to approach girls if I'm an ok and gentle person.
Your older brother is either a narcissist or an angry, insecure person that takes it out on you. You don't deserve him man. If you wanna talk, I'll be a friend. As for girls, I'll tell you the truth. You will never have a girl to love, if you don't focus and love on yourself first. Your brother surely has flaws he hides, yet he forgets his own imperfections and shames you all the time. He's wrong. You deserve an older bro who supports you.
Try on rewarding yourself with a nice bath every other day. Whenever I'm humid or sweating it gets me angry and irritable, a nice helping of water is amazing. Then, maybe start exercising for 10-15 minutes. Keep patient, and take small steps. Then try learning how to cook some simple food to help with your physical and emotional health. Simple rice with chicken meals, salads, etc. Be good with yourself. Know what you can and cannot do. I'm very sure you're an awesome person on the inside, that person is waiting to come out my guy. I believe in you!
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
How you've been doing?
Name: worthless
DOB: shouldn't exist
Address: hidden away
IF FOUND:discard
wow.that id card hit me so hard
I fuckin know right.
Healing the shame that binds you by Bradshaw is a great start for anyone looking deep into the matter of shame.
Been life saving for me.
first rule of living a happy life, know yourself. If you do so, few things will make you feel shame. It is a long process but when you know yourself you w
kirikei I would like to be able to do that. I work really hard to know myself everyday for now 10 years and it's made a difference. But the shame is still there. Always.
kirikei Good thing I'm young and learned all this early.
As someone who has issues with chronic shame, I think you described the problem excellently. Remembering that every human is imperfect and terrible in their own ways is very comforting. Thank you.
These videos always make me cry because it makes me realize how im carrying this burden in my own
This is again one of those diamonds by School of life; One video making you feel so much better about life. The point in the end is so powerful in it's simplicity and truthfulness. It is a point that cannot be repeated too much, since we people forget way too easily.
And of course the people the clip was referring to are *almost always* one (or both) of our parents. It can take years to shake that trauma and perpetual feeling of insufficiency.
Ivares Kesner It is often one or both parents, but sometimes it is schoolmates and teachers. Forget years--I've been dealing with this shit for a lifetime and I'm still deep in it. Those early mental programs can be impossible to get beyond.
first its your parents or grand parents and siblings.... then they are traded in for spouses who take up the challenge of putting you in your proper place. and before you know it, you catch yourself treating your imperfect child like shit because you realize they are just like you. It takes a strong clever person to recognize and break the cycle early on.
Ivares, I was wondering if you think there could be one small core of shame, guilt, fear, self loathing tucked deep inside the wonderful 'inheritance' from your parents that is impregnable to therapy, self help books/videos, virtuous behavior, self work and will only die with you. This doesn't mean you can't have a great life, only that you do recognize it bubbling up from time to time and/or it can cause unconscious self sabotage at the worse possible moments. My therapist says no - the devil can be caste out completely. I disagree. What are your's and others' thoughts on this.
People with shame are fairly easy to spot. They are usually overly polite and suffer from addictions (eg. drug, alcohol, pills, food, etc). They are often socially awkward if sober and appear needy if in a relationship. Parents who shame their children have been shamed themselves and have not resolved the issue; they actually pass it onto the next generation unknowingly. The only thing I have seen work to get rid of shame is some forms of meditation (kundalini), cognitive therapy, psychedelics or hypnosis (EMDR). But the crucial element is to understand that shame is a frequency pattern that people get addicted to. To get rid of it, one needs to change his/her frequency and replace with something else more positive to build self-esteem. No pill can help with shame (except for temporarily numbing the brain). That's the best they can do for you. It is rather exceptional that psychotherapy alone conquer it permanently.
It helps me to have a sense of humor about my flaws. I laugh at them before anyone else can. That way when someone brings them up, it doesn't feel like a big deal.
I have vulnerable narcissism and many have told me that my upbringing had brought upon this personality disorder, but I refused to see my family in a bad light. I am in a literal paradox because my narcissism is telling me my family is too perfect to have caused me to have narcissism. However, this video has taught me one thing, which is to let go of the standards of perfection. Leave the judgement altogether and have a fresh unbiased and unjaded mind and let see what happens.
Life's too short...
“We prefer to think well of our care givers...”
HA!
I’ve uncovered all of the bs and am currently going through all of the memories to heal. It’s hard, but it’s necessary. Some days I’m even paralyzed with fear and have to ground myself. But, I’m here.
Thank you all for what you do. 💓
This channel never fails to make me question myself
Jesus christ loves you
@@reekydebbarma7174 yes, He does
This actually helped a lot. Knowing that we’re all flawed, a lot of people aren’t perfect, not to give excuses of our own downfalls, but to say we should give mercy and we should show kindness when people make mistakes because we’re flawed too. Giving people second chances it’s almost better than giving everybody a high standard and then being disappointed or angry when they fail. It’s so much kinder to just realize that we’re all crazy and we all deserve mercy and to live.
I have constantly struggled with guilt and shame in the past years and one thing that really helped me out was just telling people about the things that I was guilty of. I came to realize that I was overly critical of myself and demanding perfection would only worsen my idealized view of my own worth.
I am really shy person and I feel so much shame but nothing helps me. I feel like I the bad things happening are real and they aren't just in my head. I feel like I'm product of my city and the people who live in it...
Tom Thank you for taking your time writting this. Wish you have a good day
Hello Michael. I am ver sorry to hear that. I had a lot of issues with shame too, but I am working on it. There is a video on this channel called ' Overcoming bad inner voices'. I wrote a comment under that video and shared some sources that helped me. If you wish, take a look. Many greetings and best wishes :- )
Lua Veli I will thank you! :)
That's want I feel... product of society , parents ,relatives , teachers....but "I" am missing
yamini It has been one year since I wrote this and I can’t remember why and how, but I feel you. There is no „I“...
school of life TH-cam channel is one of the very few places i feel totally accepted and loved. Thank you School of life. I don't know what i would do without you guys. I wanna be part of your organization at a significant level
I hate how accurately you hit my trigger points. It takes a lot of courage to even watch one video as I'm scared of each of them. Thank you helping me realize myself
Great timing on the video since im just starting at school, where i really dont know anyone, and the ones i do know have a history of bullying me. I needed this a lot since i believe am lesser of a human being than my peers. Thank you.
sadbwoy2001 you‘re not! definitely!
Hello there Sadbwoy! I am very sorry to hear that. You know, there was a famous writer in Turkey who was a very small boy as a kid. So he had always been bullied every time he started a new school. He says the best strategy he had found in the end was NOT to pay attention to those folks at all. That would make them lose their enthusiasm and soon they would leave you in peace. You should also keep this in mind:If those people NEED to make someone feel miserable, in order to feel a little better about themselves, indeed they are much more insecure than you, right? And if they are being cruel to you ,you would not want their frienship anyhow. One of my favourite movies of all times is ''Mask'' by Peter Bogdanovich. Please watch it!
By the way I am so glad you have found your way to this channel. Here you will find all the support you need.
Many greetings from Turkey :- )
You are not less than your peers. I think you are very brave and awesome! Good luck at school!
sadbwoy2001 There are some nice comments here, but simply acting like it doesn't bother you will not work. If this kid is being bullied, he/she needs to tell someone: parents, teachers, the cops if necessary. This kind of stuff can have life-long effects on a person and it is not to be taken lightly. You have my utmost sympathies kid. I was in the same boat as you when I was in school. I never had help, and feelings of shame and inadequacy have crippled me my whole life. Tell someone what is going on, and DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE TELL YOU IT'S YOUR FAULT. Best of luck 👍
+Nitephall
You are absolutely right! That's the most important part. We forgot to mention that...Thank you for the reminder.
I was ashamed through out my childhood by everyone including my parents and I developed borderline personality. I started to rage and due to lack of psychology nobody knew what is wrong. To this day my mother can play on my nerves perfectly and I have to tolerate her as she is mother
thank you so much for videos of this kind. they make me be less judgemental to myself by helping me with realisation that i shouldn't be ashamed of myself for being imperfect. you make me turning into a better person firstly for myself. i'm profoundly grateful for your valuable and healing input to my struggling with severe depression
I believe shame can also be derived from shame held by parents. Even if they never openly say you’re worthless.
I used to be very ashamed of myself, like literally refusing to have happiness or a good life but then after a lot of social interactions and knowing that other people also make mistakes I feel much better( I still do feel ashamed sometimes but not as bad as before).
So spot on. I love the advice. So simple and something I will start putting into practice. Shame and guilt eats me up inside for as long as I can remember.
I've just been realizing the underlying shame in my life that has been hiding and disguised under a strong sense of ambition + achievement., so the fact that this video just came out is fitting!
Oh my fuck. After watching 50 or so of your videos THİS is the one that spoke directly to my soul. İ feel like my whole being has been read aloud. İ hope i can get through this phase.
I feel like this video unlocked an entire life’s worth of therapy for me.
My mind is blown.
My soul needs to watch this every day for a while.
Every time I watch this (and basically any School of Life video) I feel relieved, like a giant rock has been removed from inside my chest. Not only do they explain the problem in an enlightened way, they actually give thoughtful, practical methods for reframing how one feels about the whole thing. Thank you for this, and for existing.
Stunning. A different take on shame. We are but perfect imperfections.
My God... you've described me so well. Incredible. Even the part of holding my parents up on a pedestal and not wanting to blame anyone but myself... leading to feeling even more shame.
Wow, I watched this 5 times, and it seemed to speak to me on a deeper level. Thank you for this.
lots arises in me
as I watch this video.
mainly this:
I'm falling,
again, for another
unavailable person...
because the illusion and fantasy and escape
of this person, is all I've got...
so I let myself fall.
let myself get attached.
because I'm old now,
and the deepest shame and agony
of my life, is that I've never-ever been
in an intimate-romantic relationship...
and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me.
fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair,
wanting, needing, desperation...
so I cling, achingly, to anyone
that shows me: any attention...
Can some negative emotions actually be a positive catalyst for change? If you always feel good about yourself you will never change your actions even if they are wrong. Shame should be felt for those that do bad things, and that should trigger a positive change in behavior.
Michael Jay - Value Investing The video distinguished between guit and shame early on. Guilt is temporary, more removed from who you are; it is a response to a feeling about an *action* that one has committed. Shame is the deep seated feeling of disgust for ones self, usually for things one can't control. It a judgement of your very core, and one which leads to the downward spiral of a destroyed self esteem. Growing and learning from mistakes is good, and is one thing- thinking you are a worthless pile of garbage for no reason, is another.
Michael Jay - Value Investing in every pain there is a lesson so yeah. This world is sure upside down in terms of logic and reasoning
Michael Jay - Value Investing
A healthy amount of shame about the *right things* is definitely a catalyst for growth and positive change. But in this instance I think the video was referring to a toxic, overwhelming and overpowering shame instilled in us by the narcissists around us. The type of shame that is unreasonable, unhelpful and unproductive.
Should? Tell that to AvPDs.
I can see your point but here is the thing; in life, there is this one lesson that I wish everyone would realize: you cannot become a better person if you feel ashamed. The narrator of this video understands that. Contrary to the popular belief, shaming someone doesn't make them a better person, it has the total opposite effect. To become better, you must first be at peace about who you are, what you've done and that even if you won't become a better person, you still, very much so, deserve to exist. Only then can you have the bravery to face your inner demon and fight it.
It's kinda like Superman or Wonder Woman. They save people and defeat bad guy not only with their power, but also with their generosity, compassion and politeness. You don't see them going around berating the villains and shaming them. Learn from superheroes, they are beloved for a reason
It's astounding how much power a parent can have in influencing a child unfortunately if they happen to be narcissistic oh boi. Love to all the brothers and sisters we're stronger than this ❤ but people who put us in shame are not. Have mercy on them
Thank you a lot for your inspiring videos! What helped me against shame are persons who stayed kind of childish and therefore natural. I could see their whole beauty with all their wrinkles and connect to them. On TH-cam the French TH-camr Solange te parle inspired me very much, but also the musicians Björk and Gustav Mahler.
Personally, I liked to record my voice. Many people told me I speak quietly and monotonous. Well, I got used to my voice and the method helped me learning French at the same time. Maybe this is my solution: Finding out the source of your shame and facing the source.
My source of shame came from me having scoliosis. When I was diagnosed with scoliosis I sought out a good friend and told her about it. The messages I received from my mom was. “Don’t tell anyone.” “Wear baggy clothes.” So this made me deeply ashamed because this was something that I couldn’t share with people. I couldn’t share with people what I was going through or try to get support in anyway. No one can see it or know about it. I felt deformed and I definitely feel into depression were my primary thoughts were that I wish I didn’t exist. I felt so unworthy of anything.
Oh look, another video made about me specifically. How do you guys do it!?
read more books.
preferably the classics.
then nothing is a surprise.
Thank you the SOL! I’ve become more aware of examining myself from distance and identifying the problems I had with shame throughout my childhood. Every human being is beautiful in their own way.
Being okay with who I am is hard. Letting go of perfectionism is important for me
Grateful for this video.. been feeling so much shame my whole life. Hung my head low.. never dared to speak up confidently. About time I be compassionate towards myself…
Hey Alaine,
I think you should re-do a new video on shame. I realize a lot cannot recognize the feeling of shame, yet it plays such a huge role in our everyday lives, some more than others. We’d all benefit from this.
The consequences of shame are spot on, every single one. I experienced all of these, and still remember how it feels like to live like that. The way out is just like the video says. Embrace your and others' flaws, and love yourself.
We don't allow people to get close to us.
We're not so good on physical intimacy.
We don't like parties.
We have a lot of secrets.
We go in for addictive tendencies.
It takes years to overcome shame, but when you're out, you are truly free. Never give up. Fake it til you make it!
It's therapeutic to watch the video.
Thanks School of Life !
I've rarely felt so understood and transparent as I have watching this video. It describes my life. Often, people I've known have judged my behaviors not while not be able or willing to understand my actions were driven by biting shame that have been beaten into me, emotionally, psychologically and physically my life. It's crushing when you meet different people and they come to similar conclusions about you. First and foremost, I try to find the resolve to convince myself that I'm not worthless.
This cut me deep. Thank you. 💜
It's all about me. I have been ashamed of myself and scared of other people all my life (and I am over 40 already). Thanks, mum and dad and grandma....
sounds a lot like brené brown's approach to handling shame! but this video's graphics make the concepts even more approachable/engaging 🌻
This is so true but you need to be careful not to get too convinced of your brokenness because it ends up making you hate yourself/self-sabotage. Humility, self-forgiveness and radical self acceptance help with shame but we can also work towards objective goodness and self-love.
Loving yourself truly does take forgiveness and courage
My most embarrassing encounter, I had with three stuped laughing elderly women. 🥵🥵 Was that fair, what do you think ??
To a world where meritocracy prevails, grace and mercy taste like a fresh drip of water in a desert
What meritocracy?
I have more people telling me what my faults are than telling me what's great about me. It wears me down.
Just when I needed it the most...
Thanks School of Life!
I felt shame, rage and sadness, I started crying
Then I truly laughed in the wonderful ending ///
Thank you ♥️
Interesting. I show almost all the symptoms listed at 3:03 but my parents never once shamed me. It just happened naturally over time.
this actually helped me a lot. I'm currently struggling with a lot of guilt from my childhood, but this did make me feel better, even if I am still working on forgiveness.
I was shamed by teachers and female students at school, and bullied or teased and ostracized by most other students, then body shamed as an adult for having pale skin, going bald, having sexual desires, etc. Typically the shaming comes as a zinger out of the blue, unprovoked, from people (or a person) I hardly know. It happens once or twice each year. I have found the best thing to do is counterattack with a sarcastic comment like "yeah like you're so wonderful.” It is better to empower yourself to respond, perhaps "in kind," than to ignore the shaming. I used to try to ignore other peoples' negativity towards me but that feels wrong, since it leads to me feeling I have "failed myself" leading to worse self-esteem. I know I am worthy of being loved, because I can and do actively love myself (work in the garden, look after investments, read good books, go on nature hikes, take hot baths, buy a few nice clothes and cook my own organic food).
Is there any sense in living like a doormat?
While I agree we ought to recognize we are not perfect, and neither is anyone else, if more of us "shamed folk" would push back against the negative judgments of the world, maybe the world will learn and improve.
I absolutely agree with you. Those who shame others themselves have an insecurity. Just that they haven't been shown the mirror yet.
I feel like this is the great underlying 'pandemic' of mental health that has been in existence since the very concept of it first emerged in human history. Love this video!
We need to learn and remind ourselves that no one is perfect. Gotta remember and keep going!
"the absurdity and horror of existing in human form"
lol, I love this line, for I really feel it.
We are all broken and that's beautiful ❤️
Fascist perfectionism. I like that term.
I really needed this, as my shame was leading me to wanting to end it all.
Perfect timing, as always!
these videos are so full of useful, important information that i feel the need to watch them multiple times so I can assimilate all the things being said
"Hell is other people" as Sartre put it.
You put it as a postulate that those who suffer from shame had terrible parents who are the cause of their shame. My life has been plagued with shame, and nevertheless I ve had wonderfully supportive parents...
Pride is not the opposite of shame but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame. - Iroh, Avatar the last airbender
Great video, and a huge help. Since watching it I have been thinking about shame and glory, what I mean is if we don't accept our shame we try to cover up the feelings or lack of feelings with glory. Maybe an achievement or a new car or sleeping around, drugs over eating whatever it is, my point is it's a bottomless pit that will never be filled until we admit and integrate our shame.
You believe that it was only our caregivers, when we were children, who would say these things. Au contraire. Everyone says these things, all the time, whether to your face or behind your back. The "kinder" people we meet are the rarity, the exception, whose "kindness" can be as manipulative and as deceptive as those who put us down.
Feeling shame is not an aberration. It is the default. And, increasingly, a tool by which people can be manipulated.
It is amazing how much these videos help me. Hope all are well and are feeling less shame......
This forgotten to talk about another source of shame. The shame that comes from not meeting the expectations of those that thought highly of us in our youth. The shame that comes from just not being good enough to meet those expectations.
Yep. Over-praise can be harmful too. I had one parent who was very critical and who I could never please and one who insisted I was literally the smartest, most beautiful, talented person in the world. Imagine how confused I was lol! It was a hard awakening to learn that I wasn't just naturally going to succeed in life because of being the best ever at everything lol. But after getting over that hump, the other critical voice completely took over.
I suffer from this exact kind of shame that you are talking about. I performed exceedingly below my expectations in an exam 8 years ago. My core perspective about myself is still defined by that event. I wish I could like myself again.
This is a great help to see the feelings of abhoring oneself are normal for shame. In my case my shame is due to the fact that I can’t earn enough money to pay bills and eat too, it’s one or the other. I wasnt able to go to college so I can only get a low paying job, i live in constant shame of myself for this.
I some how feel personally attacked, like this guy just described my entire life in under 6 minutes.
I'm a 10 across the board. It's not just that you're told that in childhood. It's that you're told that all the time up to the present day and it's constantly verified over and over.
You guys always seem to post something relevant at the time of need ahaha I was literally thinking about this just as you posted it thanks for the awesome positive insights !! 👌🏻🙏🔮
The reason why I like this channel is bcoz they are so informative, soothing by not just identifying the cause for problem but throwing out strategies more of changing our perspective. After watching video I feel light and good, at least I am somewhere near threshold.
I agree with everything that was said in the video. However, I think there's also a positive side of shame. For instance, when you've done something wrong and feel shame (or others make you feel it) and that shame can encourage you to change that wrong behaviour especially if it's a bad habit.
That's guilt. Shame says you made a mistake and you aren't worthy of forgiveness if after you have changed your behavior and are sincerely repentant.
This was stated as feeling guilty at the start of the video.
"The guilty feel bad for something specific they have done"
Sometimes that guilty feeling can be the push that we need but usually I don't think it's working on long term.
For example I started learning Japanese and found it absolutely amazing therefore in two year I was nearly at an advanced level. On the other hand it took me around 12 years to be intermediate at English. The big difference was I was doing the bare minimum to avoid the guilty feeling for English but for Japanese I didn't even care how much I know because I was enjoying the process.
The same can go for loosing weight. Some people want to loose weight because of shame but they are unable to do it. Their motivation is to get rid of the shame but this is a loop. If they were to loose weight the motivation would go away therefore they would gain weight again.
And putting shame on somebody is risky because it can lead to cognitive dissonance where the person looses interest in the subject. In my case with English and my native tongue Hungarian I was always scolded for not doing well in class so instead of learning more I started to think that it's not even an important thing to learn and I don't sense for languages. (now I know it was a lie for myself to don't feel bad)
that's guilt. they just said that in the video.
Watch the first few minutes again. You are describing guilt for something wrong. Shame is for being wrong as a person, like you have no right to exist.
Musica Well said.
Thank you. This has been so helpful, hopeful and consoling at a time when I feel like pulling this icky thing from inside to out of me, like a sticky icky shedding.