why your small talk is boring
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
- #social #socialskills #communication
Rant over.
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Title ideas:
if you hate small talk, watch this
you hate small talk because you fail to see it's purpose
I read in a magazine, as a kid, a phrase that stuck with me about small talk, "small talk is about learning how people interact, not learning about their day"
Oof, so good. Here's one that stuck with me: People don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel.
It was actually advice for presentations, but it helped me realize to let myself focus on having fun when interacting w/people, instead of worrying about "What should be said."
I love that
I don't get it 🥲 an example please? 😅
This sound similar to something I once heard, someone said "small talk is a test. A test to see if the other person feels safe to talk to/can be trusted/seems like a kind person, etc."
Small talk is planting a seed to see what might grow out of it. Starting your conversations deep and random will cause people to go on the defense and not open up to you.
This is true but not always
Maybe true for neuronormies
I came to value small talk; deep discussions are not necessarily the ultimate goal, but rather being present and experiencing the moment.
This should be obvious lol.
oooo yes
I ask strangers what kind of creative expression they enjoy. Off-putting for many adults until we talk about hairstyles, gardening, cooking, decorating their space, etc. Everyone enjoys some sort of creative expression.
That's a good open question
Explain creative expression..please
@@TheRainyHome
In the most general sense, it is any product.
Creative expression has two sides, comfortable and uncomfortable.
Comfortable expression is anything you are already good at and enjoy doing. It could be styling your hair, how you dress, any way you present yourself to the world, gardening, baking, decorating your space, visual art, dancing, whatever.
Then there are things we may have always wanted to do, but we are afraid. We are culturally indoctrinated to feel not good enough to paint, draw, dance, sing, write music, write books, publicly speak, design clothes, etc. Our internalized critic shames us into inaction. It takes courage to free ourselves from the shadow side of dismissal of our unique creative expression. Each of us has a talent to share with the world.
Small talk leads to big talk.
Little Alex Horne from task master has a song about this.
One of the highest value channels on TH-cam.
truly
Agreed!!
As a confirmed introvert, small talk is poison. If someone is blathering at me I tend to drop down into 'receptive' and 'agreeable to everything'. I never had the tips described here, and I would literally wait until they stopped to breathe or drop dead which ever came first. Taking initiative requires a level of certainty for me, it involves wearing a mask that I probably won't be able to sustain long term, so I would take it very slowly.
Relate so hard to this! I never feel comfortable disagreeing with someone I just met - might have to try it though bc dropping into ‘smile and nod’ is exhausting
@@paigewhitehead2157dropping in to agree. I’m gonna try to act bored usually people get the hint
Hey buddy, I have to disagree that it has got anything to do with being introverted. More to do with childhood conditioning.
i love when strangers make small talk with me. i just have no idea how to end the conversation in a way that lets them know i appreciated the interaction lol i'm just like _bye_
“I really appreciated our interaction and need to go now”
“I need to get going but it was nice talking to you!”
How about brutal honesty:
I really like how you talk to me, but mind if I ask you a bit of advice... I really got no idea how to end the conversation but I want you to know that I really appreciated the interaction with you before I get going. How would you do that if you were in my shoes? :)
Oh listen to me running on, I won't keep you. Or- I'll let you get on.
damn you posted this at the best time for me cause ive been struggling to talk to people so much these days that every time i go out i feel like im going to war 😭😭
"every time i go out i feel like im going to war" what a perfect sentence for my situation 💀
Not alone brother
Thank god we have phones and can pretend to look focused on something until they go away
I'm sorry y'all are struggling, I feel that
this guy should call himself a "speech philosopher".
He is a philosopher, and a good one at that.
If a person is a good listener small talk can be lovely. Most people are not really interested in other people's details!
YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET PERSON. OH MY DAYS. The, "if you're a skilled conversationalist... Which you are." with the following point at the camera. Made my day.
Thank you for the videos. They've been so encouraging to me lately. Stay amazing. :)
Saying out loud in a conversation "what should we talk about" puts a huge responsibility on your shoulders because if the others dont come up with something and you dont know either then it becomes 5x more awkward
What an incredible video. Just shown it to my mum who despises small talk but also wonders why she has no friends.
Lewis, seeing your videos gives me hope, especially knowing that young men have examples like you reaching a hand to them, as you learn and grow alongside them.
As a personal trainer who had to approach people there's: Observations, Statements , conclusions about the person's story, you can use in conversation and most importantly being genuinely curious about the person helps. Ofcourse this takes initiative but people hate things they are bad at, think initiative is just lazy or entitled peoples worst nightmare.
It feels empowering to know we have the power to steer the conversation. Thought the problem was just how two people click socially, but it's just that we haven't had the chance to truly connect yet!
Good point about everyone’s responsibility in a conversation.
I had someone who just wanted to be entertained.
“Tell me a story!” they said.
I have plenty of stories, but I’m not a performing monkey.
They're probably awkward and in the process of learning to have conversation 😅 because that's one of the common/key advice given to awkward/shy people, to ask people to talk about themselves or tell you a story etc... taught in all communication courses/classes etc...
I agree so much with your point at around 5 minutes. It's not just about changing the subject. To me personally, it's more about realizing that most things someone says, have something to do with who this person is. For example, for some reason "the weather" is regarded as the worst, most superficial small talk topic, even though there are a lot of people with strong feelings and memories connected to the weather.
Wow your channel is growing so fast, I’m so happy to see you’re getting the recognition you absolutely deserve sir. Your videos are a net positive to society.
02:38 was a scene straight out of so many of us men's lives. I was audibly chuckling 😂
A rather interesting video. I have always seen small talks pointless because it doesn't show how the other person thinks, what their thought process is. So I just stay silent instead of initiating any conversations. However, if people do decide to talk to me, I ask questions and give my view to sort of, sustain the conversation. Never thought of small talks to be the foundation of deeper talks. Thanks.
I guess even calling it small talk is the first mistake. If someones talking to you, then you are making them feel good if youre listening and asking questions
Thanks, I like how you focus on better social skills in order to understand and relate to people as an end in itself, as opposed to so much online content promoting it as a means to an end e.g. getting laid.
I went to a grocery store which has great fruits and vegetables but far away from home. I don't drive and the owner of the store told me "it's being a long time without you showing up". I told her I fell on the street and hurted my hand badly.
Then she tried to make feel stupid because I don't look where I step on. That showed me how much she lack empathy and how much she dislike me.
She has lost a customer.
That's how useful small talk can be.
At least your theory is one sided, if you both hates small talk then the room got insanely quiet😂
A sarcastic joke helps me out in that situation. The annoyance is an opportunity to bond, IMO.
You called me lazy! Guilty lol, I will use your techniques. Thank you.
When I met your channel I thought you were chill but boring. Now I think you are chill and very interesting.
"are you single? moving on" 😭
i had been single since 16 years of my birth 💀
am optimistic that a cute girl likes me back as she showed 5 green flags within one month of our friendship
I’m rooting for you 💯🫡
Bro you're 16 years old, it'll work out I promise. As long as you try to put yourself out there and talk to people genuinely something will happen, just recognise that girls are people too just like you. Come on son
@@user-ts1yw6ji2o like I gotta double comment bro, I know exactly how you feel, I was in the same position as you once where I genuinely thought I was unlovable. What would always make me better is, no offense, walking along the street and seeing two crackheads together holding hands - if they can find love then so can you. Work on yourself and success will come to you
thanks brah, i always say; small talk leads to big talk
Life changing
I remember when i first watched one of your videos a few months ago when you had less than 20k subscribers and youve made crazy progress since then. Keep it up!!!
This guy is good. I thought that I liked this guy and then realized that this was him using what he was teaching. At this point, I then realized the effectiveness of this technique was demonstrated so well that it took hold of me through a monologue.
Subscribed when lewis had 8k subs. Now we’re up to 122k?! Let’s go!
YOU'RE AN OG!
man that last sentance rang so true for me
That look at 4:34 😂😂 stabbed right into my soul
Thanks for your vidéos Lewis.I love the way you speak and your humour. Recently subscribed. Greetings from France.
This was so mind opening thank you
The problem is that you might entertain small talk for a while, then when big talk time is finally there, you realize the other person is an idiot with no concrete idea of their own and/or very shallow reasoning ability.
Namasté & Ho’Oponopono everything 🕊️❤️
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🎖️🥇
Man, you really are making great content ❤
i think this might be one of my favorite videos of yours so far
Tanks for the insight, man. I hate smalltalk.
I liked the suggestions at the end about asking if they have a secret hobby or passion. I heard another one that goes "whats the most important lesson you've learned in life and who taught it to you". Does anyone have more conversation topics like these?
I like the phrase attributed to Charles Stewart:
"Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." 😅
Good on you man. it’s not only lazy. It’s friggin PRESUMPTUOUS. !!! People who are worth your time are worth the WORK to get to know.! Sorry.
You mean smalltalk isn't a trap for the soul, ensnaring one in a mask? I'm open to consider it 🤔
My small talk is boring because I'm autistic and would rather talk to the plants, me, animals, and my inanimate objects. Then very rarely have the want to speak to a human being, unless we on same wavelength.
I always thought us British people discuss the weather because it's the only thing we agree on.
Then, my second thought is who hates small talk; Apergers sufferers. Get tested, you could be struggling with people and don't know why. It's easier if you know.
Brilliant video - a lot of helpful stuff packed into just 6 minutes
Damn I'm definitely gonna use those examples/prompts. Gold! 😁👌
So change topic if it ain’t interesting, ask something random, be honest
Go first starting with questions or out there statements
And infer the “why” someone may be acting someway.
Initiative, honesty, and infer deeper
nice bro you nailed it... im the blah blah guy with no dad lol i spark conversation to avoid awkwardness or silence.
It's really nice to this channel grow
I can't be more satisfied
Its all thanks to the effort put by u captain
Keep it up!
Oh and btw i used to hate small talk and think its exhausting
Thanks for helping me shift my mindset!
Mission failed, we'll get em next time. Jk. Appreciate you OG.
Thank you for the tips, Shia Labeouf! Great work
So well said. Thank you
I absolutely adore this channel ❤
Wow. all I do is small talk. You nailed why as well. 3 outta 3
The purpose of snall talk is up to the user of it.
mmm...
I am a high masking, high functioning autistic person. I HATE small talk. It hurts me to do small talk.
From my point-of-view, people engaging in small talk are lazy...
We are not all the same - I have learnt to live life with as little small talk as possible.
Damn. Called me out as lazy... Child, but true. Thank you.
dont know things .. he is good
some people just aren't leveling up to the conversations they start or the direction we take, they end up being avoidant of any future convos.
are they intimidated? what's the science of being scared of embarrassment to know less than what the other person is talking about?
cuz i swear i lost few of my cousins talking about financial freedom, self awareness and spirituality topics, they basically enjoy very shallow convos for loooooong hours.
it is not fair that people choose to avoid people because those people have deep thoughts and more knowledge.
i would love to hear your way of dealing with the body language/signs people usually give in those kind of conversations.
thank you for being such an amazing human in front of a camera caring for other humans. all the way from Yemen, THANK YOU VM.
That can be very frustrating. Small talk can be a way of finding out what interests you both have in common and going from there. Also being careful not to too far outpace their understanding in a subject bc that could be overwhelming/confusing for them.
I’m glad you brought this up. It helped me see where and why I often lose people in conversation.
I tend to hyperfocus on my interests and just assume other people would be excited about it to if they knew enough 😂
@@RhymeandRamblings i get your perspective completely. Do you think we practice pleasing others if all that they could like to talk about is their own views/ways/style/interests?
I recently discovered i have ADHD (38)
I joined a staff networks to support people who are ‘neurodiverse’
We have MS Teams meetings.
It’s really interesting because about 15 people sit on it without cameras on and they say nothing.
Me and three other people who primarily present as ADHD waffle on like hell.
We were worried about others not getting a word in. But others said they were fine with this. They enjoyed the total lack of pressure to join in. They were happy to listen and take comfort. Occasionally they would come in.
I found that the silent people (most of which appeared to confess to more autistic traits than ADHD) would understand that they don’t say much until someone hit on a subject they’re passionate about. Then they couldn’t stop.
Those of us with ADHD talked about many subjects and changed often. But we did also delve into our passions and maybe spent too long. But this delve was supported by the other people with ADHD. They became absorbed into it.
I have rambled here too but the lesson is to just give space to other people. See what you get back. If they continue it easily, then it’s good.
If they don’t, feel free to say some more but maybe ask them a question. Don’t be put off by not getting much back.
And at the end of it it’s always ok to just stop a conversation and “thank you I have to go now”.
It’s ok to walk away. Or even be honest “really sorry but I struggle when it comes to as it’s not really something that interests me. It goes over my head!”
I pulled off a great relationship development. My friend is obsessed by cars. I’m obsessed by computers.
He would always ramble about cars and my brain shut off. I would talk about computers and he would shut off.
When I realised that I could equate cars and their engines to PC’s and their processors/graphics card etc we related so much better.
We began explaining things to each other in each others passion.
I would relate PC things to cars and he would do the reverse.
It’s ok not to like someone else’s passion. But you can try to relate.
And usually in the end people like to talk to someone they can ‘teach’ and explain. I’ve seen so many difficulty conversations with two people about the same passion. They disagree and try to out-expert each other. Not that that always happens.
Sorry for going on. ADHD 😅
@@MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMJ
Yes I do think that is a risk. That’s a good point.
It does take a lot of discernment to know who to open up to, confide in, share your interests with.
If the other person isn’t also interested in finding common ground then it can’t be a deep relationship, at least not at that time.
I’m curious your thoughts on this. It’s an area I struggle with too.
I think it’s best to stay in shallow waters with shallow people and save your energy for other things. But this is easier said than done.
The "blah blah blah" machine 🤣
4:34 What was I going to say? 😂 Got me there
When i sit here listening to an old 61 year old rant about how shes old from 9am-5pm and the complain how she needs quiet. This doesn't work for me. This totally turned me off. I am fed up of rambling. lord SHAT uP.
Did Lewis just ended up the video without saying adios moutchachus and motchachas? Do we agree at such an ending? Are you alright Lewis!! Should the lord of heaven shower upon thee of blessings and better moods? Or would silence suffice, my friend.
4:05 I asked her if she had a fairy godmother like Cinderella what would she want to do for that one night. Lead to a whole conversation about growing up as a child.
I have the problem with a girl that when we started talking the initiative was a 50/50 split and it was great the long we talk the more it's on me and it like she isn't putting the effort in and I've been trying to get her more engaging with me , it like she wants to talk to me doesn't at the same time which is quick frustrating as I'm putting in all the effort in but she doesn't give much back but she wouldn't let me go
I enjoy your videos and often think about conversational styles myself. I would love your take on a few things: the story-teller conversational style, where your interlocutor cannot or refuses to discuss a subject that is perhaps philosophical, that is, one that is not about an incident or happening, and constantly brings up stories from the past about people and things that have happened (in real life or from news or TV), rather than considering a topic on its own, in isolation from events or the "real world." I find it difficult to feel like conversations of this sort reach a deep level or that we make a deep connection.
And then this one, which is particularly difficult for me, and makes it difficult to talk to some of my family members: the excessively detailed conversationalist, who when asked about the smallest event or interaction they had, begins with the life story of everyone involved, adds excessive and enormously dull detail, and perhaps most annoyingly, recreates every conversation--and then I said this, and then he said that (sometimes with voices), and often with repetition--when all you really wanted was a piece of information or the summary. And it's not like the detailed conversationalist's stories are always dull in the end (overall it might have been a good story about an interesting happening), but that the waiting for it is so tedious that I regret asking the question in the first place.
Anyway, cheers!
This is good advice, nice video good job bro
‘Have you noticed how darn changeable the weather gets around about now… kinda like the emotional instability of my aunt! Do you know anybody like that’ (biyatchin bait is one of the top of my noggin thanks to this Peaky Blinder! ❤😎❤️
I'm starting to wonder about the role of small talk in long-term, established relaitonships. I'm quite tempted to view it as a basic 'maintenance' of the relationship. A way to stay somewhat connected without necessarily going super deep. i'm afraid this function of small talk is a bit underappreciated, at least in my culture.
Fair enough.
I'm getting a Tom Hardy vibe from your voice. Great info
I just can't do small talk.
🔥🔥
I need advice on how to keep the conversation "shallow" without ending it
love this
Spot on video
I can’t really grasp the concept of “don’t mistake appearances for reality” do you have an example?
bro you should write a book on social skills
That was a good small talk Lewis what should we talk about next?
Brilliant!
Yoooo Christian Bale
I have recently become a great fan of yours, if you ever consider paying a visit to Brazil, it would be of immense satisfaction to show you around, I live in Araruama, which is 1 hour from the city of Rio de Janeiro, I'm really close to Buzios, it's well worth a visit, I work as an English teacher online and you're such an inspiration, I wish you the best.
Never opened goodnotes so fast
Great ❤
Excelente!
I reeeeaally love the way you deliver your content to us, the viewer, it's fun, and I it feels like as if you talk directly with us individually, and with those cute little jokes too XD
it's not though. My smalltalk is fire
My man, I never doubted you for a second.
Let's goooo!
U r totally the bro I abt to intro to my sis!😅
Hi. I only discovered your channel a few weeks back and subscribed as I luv it. This may sound a strange request but I could not but notice the waistcoat you wear and have tried in vain to buy one. It would be very much appreciated if you could give me the brand name of it and where I may purchase this from. Many thanks.
Great video!
Love the content. Your the only channel I watch that doesn't like and subscribe me to death
I’m curious about what you do for a living?
So what is deep long talk ?
Twin growing
yes im single
Hello! I have a quick question : i am pretty skilled at small talk and even transitioning to deeper topics thanks to some hard work i put in in recent years but due to the nature of the environment i am in (school) there is a limited number of people i will interact with during the year. Three times this has happened : i will make an acquaintance which turns into a friend, over the months i get to know them better and we talk daily. Towards the end of the year or the next i go through all the topics i know and they do the same. All that we have left is small talk.
I want to know if that means i have "exhausted" a friendship and i should just catch up with them every once in a while and swap our current life stories or if I'm doing something wrong?
It's quite lonely having a connection that makes you feel seen drift away like that. I don't think i'd like to be social if it's what every relationship is doomed to become.
Hey man, had a question, Why do you think one should work on their looks and their confidence? And Do those 2 things have benefits outside of just looking more attractive?
Thanks.
And in general, why do you think that it's important to work on your social poise?