You can really tell that it's a very hard subject for you to talk about, and yet you are so brave, and you take us on a journey to the most painful parts of your life. I'm very proud of you, it takes immense strength to face these issues and talk about them so openly and publicly like you do. I want to encourage you to continue exploring these atrocities and warning others not to go through a similar fate. I wish I could physically go with you on those doctor's appointments, just to help guide you through and distract you from the fear and the scary thoughts. I really hope you can find someone that you trust completely to take with you on these medical meetings. By doing what you're doing, reliving with us those moments and those fears, you're adding another layer of memory to them- the layer of you reading the comments and you making the videos, it makes your shield stronger and your spirit tougher. Hopefully it will get easier for you with time and experience, and hopefully you'll be able to help so many others going through the same thing. ❤
Your voice is surely saving lives. And souls. Your courage to speak is really heroic. Wish I could thank you in person. Wishing you all the best and sending love!
Alex thanks for sharing this side. It is immensely important that people feel your trauma. The transgender road has enduring harms and detransitionIng doesn't make it go away. You have this immense strength that sometime hide these harms - they are not so obvious. I watch you and it slips out of my mind what was done. It is essential that you remind us from time to time that the scars are there and they run deep. I can certainly understand how one's mind and emotions can cause us to spin out of control. I have always been impressed with how you navigate the challenges so well and remain an essential voice and inspiration for others.
This is the first video I've watched from you, so I did not know the full situation but from the very start I could tell that you ended up walking into that surgery for the wrong reasons. A friend of mine had so wild bottom dysphoria that she attempted to cut in it herself, so in distress that at the moment she did not even care about the function of it, she just wanted it gone. She obviously benefitted from the surgery, because pretty much anything that involved removing her parts would be an improvement. She is obviously an extreme case. I think bottom surgery can be hugely beneficial for people with so intense bottom dysphoria that makes them pretty much unable to function in day to day life. I really like the idea of putting a spotlight on people's reasons for bottom surgery, because after reading through pretty much all studies I can find about trans surgery regret, there is a trend that those who regret it have done it for a reason other than trying to escape extreme bottom dysphoria, e.g., a trans woman who got it because her partner forcible told her that she should get it.
Thank you for sharing your story. My girlfriend is trans. When I started dating her, bottom surgery was something she wanted. She has nowhere near enough saved up so it was a “I want this in the future” sort of thing. I told her I don’t have a preference when it comes to what genitalia she has and I’ll support whatever decision she makes with her body. It turns out she, much like you, wanted bottom surgery not because she hated having a penis or really wanted a vagina, but because she felt some sort of pressure to have a vagina to fit in as a “real woman”. Throughout our relationship I’ve loved her and accepted her as a woman, maintaining that it doesn’t matter to me whether or not she gets the surgery. And her desire to get it slowly went away. Occasionally she gets some bottom dysphoria but it comes from insecurity. She has worried that I’d prefer a cis woman or a woman with a vulva over her and that I’d leave her for such a woman. She’s so loveable 😭 This societal messaging that trans women are unlovable, undesirable, unfuckable freaks is so awful and hurtful. There must be other trans women pushed into having a surgery they don’t even want because the stigma of being a woman with a penis is so intense. The other factor in your case and this is something I can personally relate to is the inherent feeling of alienation from your own gender that comes with being autistic. I’m an autistic woman and I questioned my gender identity for *six fucking years* because my connection to womanhood was so uneasy. The first reason is all the social roles that come with each gender which are all stupid bullshit and very confusing for an autistic person who may feel that because they do not fit the social roles associated with a gender, they cannot be that gender. The other is a more nebulous and rarely discussed issue. Because we are autistic and miss or ignore a lot of societal norms and social cues, we often fail to “perform” our gender correctly. Others of our gender pick up on this and treat us differently. I find that autistic people are not treated by others as members of their gender, but as members of a “third gender” or “miscellaneous” category. We are often ostracized and othered by those of our own gender. This can lead to some weird type of nebulous social gender dysphoria, the source of which can be hard to pin down. In high school I was compared to a boy by the girls and there was a distance between me and them that they didn’t have with each other. The boys called me a “trap”. (Yes, they called me a word that is meant to degrade and stigmatize women with penises!!) When I’m by myself I feel very comfortable as a female/woman, but in a group of neurotypical women I feel like a creature wearing a woman’s skin, pretending to be a woman. I wish more autistic people knew that it’s normal for us to feel some level of separation from our gender. I think every autistic person questioning their gender should hang out with a group of autistic people of their gender and see if they still feel that disconnect. Mine goes away when I’m around other autistic women.
My ex regretted her bottom surgery as well. A lot of that had to do with her being worried about social acceptance. Sadly, she found out that society didn't care, they looked down on her no matter what. She was so embarrassed by how it turned out, which is really sad. I didn't care, but it was her body and she was so distressed by it. This is why I stand by trans people AND detransitioners - people should be free to explore their identity without pressure one way or the other. I know another trans person who I mentioned this to, and they also decided to forgo the surgery (they were on and off the fence). But if it would save someone's life, I support it all the way. There are countless cases where it does, but many people don't realize how few people (in the west) undergo bottom surgery. Especially inversions and the like. I respect their decision in either direction. I only regret that detransitioners didn't realize that isn't what they wanted in advance and are suffering. It's no one's fault but the doctors for not doing their due diligence or telling the patients what to expect. I have no issue with puberty blockers and the like nor top surgery, but I do think bottom surgery should be treated with more care. Whether someone detransitions or not, it's something to consider with a lot of serious thought. I'm non-binary but also autistic, so I think those of us on the spectrum should be especially cautious and take our time with these things. Congrats on your girlfriend mate! She sounds lovely 🖤🖤🖤
I'm so sorry you had to go through this 💔 and you fully own your decision and honestly don't think you have ever blamed anyone else. There are ppl who care and your so strong it's a testament of who you are ❤ much love and respect for your honesty Alexander
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with health anxiety. If you have a friend or family member willing to come with you, that may make you feel safer. I hope you're able to find healing soon.
IBS can be brought on by stress like this, and trauma. So sorry Alex, you are going through such a lot. Inflammation can also cause a lot of pain and stress on your body. I get IBS,and have done for 30 years. I tried turmeric juice which is easy to make and that helps to neutralise inflammation, it has helped me. I also did a diet for 10 weeks too which is anti candida diet- really good for the colon. It basically means cutting out all sugars, I'm afraid...but wow it really helped me. Self help like this can help you feel in control of your own body, and also means less trips to DRs.
Alexander, is there ANYone in your life you trust who can give you a damn hug right now? If so, CALL THEM. Maybe ask them to come along for the doctor's visit? This whole situation sucks so bad, it's heartbreaking to see you struggle. You're strong and resilient, and you deserve help when you need it. 🥺💔
What a powerful video, the raw emotions and deep trauma that surfaced is heartbreaking. I do hope that your present problem is not the worst case scenario, given your post surgery complications, it might be something related to them. As to the stress of visiting doctor's office, my problems are nowhere close to what you are experiencing, but my blood pressure always skyrockets when I am there. My best wishes, stay positive if you can.
I’m so sorry. I hate that you had that life altering surgery. It’s good to talk about it. You are helping others I’m sure to really think about getting that done. I totally understand. You had a very traumatic situation. It is unbelievable that it haunts you.
My favorite therapist recommended the book to me, "The Body Keeps the Score" about how trauma informs our physical body. I used to get sick constantly, ground my teeth down and had jaw issues, and chronic pain. I found a really good therapist I clicked with after two absolutely terrible ones that traumatized me more. I now only get sick two or three times a year, don't have public meltdowns, don't clench my jaw or grind my teeth, and master my emotions. Between that book and doing the work in therapy, my life is nothing like it was 8 years ago when every day I was hanging on for dear life. There is hope. There is sunshine after the storm.
Sorry to see the trolling on here Alexander. Ignore them - dont interact with them. They want to get a reaction from you. You are going to be ok - you have tons of people supporting you who think you are courageous and strong and admire everything you are doing by speaking out on this issue. Keep us posted on your appointment with the GP - i'm sure all will be fine and it is anxiety driving this. You are not stupid or a hypocrite - you are just human. Do you have a friend or family member to call and be with right now? LOVE xxxx
>>> Sorry to see the trolling on here Alexander. Ignore them - dont interact with them. They want to get a reaction from you Read over 30 comments, didn't see one. I hate phonies like you.
At time anout 19:00 you give good advice to people who consider the surgery. To think it in the long run. I am a transgener person. Meaning feeling more affiliation to the male gender. I don't agree to the chosen term "gender dysphoria". I think that term makes it very bad. And perhaps it confuses people. I was sent to gender therapist. They recommend as always hormones and surgeries. I came across a hermaphrodite platform, and they told me the about long term consequences, that it cannot be predicted at the time of the operation. (Hope it does not trigger - sorry ) When I told the therapist I didn't want surgery. I don't want hormones. Oh, that's not their narrative... She asked why? I mentioned long-term consequences. She said you are just afraid of the surgery. That means you are transphobic. She ended the therapy. The trans community said if you don't take hormones you're not trans. People in society said they were informed. If you don't take hormones and don't have surgery, you are not trans. Trans means transition. I was invalidated everywhere. Having the whole society against you is not easy to endure. It is so difficult to say something like I don't want surgery if you are already in the community. All are waiting what you are you are going to do. How far you want to go. They drop you if you don't meet these expectations. The narrative is that you should agree.
I believe with all my heart your brave courageous story going to save many people from this horrible surgery. God bless you for sharing it. That takes guts.
I admire this man’s courage to talk about his vulnerabilities. We need to encourage all our sons to open up if we want to redress the male suicide epidemic.
@@tonyhoffman3309 That is true, im sure. I think we should allow men to heal however they see fit. Genuine question, how do you think we as a society could help men out of deep depression? There is clearly problems men are facing that is being ignored. I just want to know your ideas.
As a MD, get your ass in to see your doc. It might also be diverticulitis. In the mean time try a low fiber diet for diverticulitis. If it doesn't work then it could also be ischemic bowel. You'll need a colonoscopy to diagnose those diseases.
The inattention, lack of care, and malpractice the medical and professional psychological communities have allowed to be inflicted on you unchecked is literally, irretrievably criminal. It's my sincere hope that you, and the ever growing number of people like you who've been betrayed by these institutions because of avarice, greed, ideology, or whatever combination of the three, will at some point receive justice for what you've been put through.
I'm sorry, but it's not just a failure of medical and mental health professionals. There is a LEGION of people claiming to be trans who are both self-diagnosed and insistent that they be allowed to proceed without (much) reflection, mental health assistance, or social guidance. This person is actually admitting, without admitting, that they may have been in error. But sure.....blame the world that transition didn't solve any of your (other) problems.
It hurts to hear you’re hurting like this. I have a friend who also has medical trauma - it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Sending much love and healing, please do take care of yourself, Alexander ❤️🩹
The growling is a somatic healing response. It's really cool that our bodies know that the low frequency vibration activates on the vagus nerve & promotes healing throughout the central nervous system. Put on some Gojira (or similar) & have a good grrrrrrr! X
PLEASE READ THIS: I have several chronic pain conditions I am dealing with pretty well - I work in the mental health field AND very busy -- BUT one of my worst pain conditions is around my tailbone and the nerve pain was rated 11/10 and suffered for year's as it hit's in middle of the night waking me. NOTHING worked including morphine... BUT try a VERY HOT shallow bath - just enough to sit in - IT TAKES THE PAIN AWAY FAST instead of HOURS of crying. Mine was from broken tailbone that healed wrong AND LIGAMENTS wrapped wrong. Several conditions present in this way. TRY IT!!! PLEASE I THOUGHT IT WAS COLON CANCER TOO! I've had my appendix rupture, arm crushed and many other's THIS PAIN WAS WORSE. NERVE PAIN! TRY THE SHALLOW VERY HOT BATH> 5 mins it will be gone!!!
My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give to a friendly hug and do something soothing for your soul. We are all so complicated as humans, but we can’t just deconstruct ourselves over and over without harm. The doctor is a smart move. You know you have the ability to calm yourself because look at how far you have come. Just face it head on. Everyone contributes to their health issues. Loose the guilt. Write a song. Scream. Get some good sleep. I am listening to you. I hear every word you say and even the ones you aren’t saying. Be sure to WRITE DOWN all the things that physically are problematic and address each issue one by one. I spent years in an abusive relationship and not an hour goes by where something can trigger an old trauma. You can move past it. It won’t be gone,but the visceral reactions will lessen greatly. First get in tip top physical shape so your brain in living in a healthy vessel. ❤Physical pain exacerbates the mental trauma. Vice versa. You have braved so many things and I know you can do this. If I could I’d take you by the hand to the emergency room I would. Please keep your appointment. Get well. Be well. Stay well. Elizabeth from NYC.
@@alexanderl9721 Alex, Thank you for taking the time to reply. It took me quite some time to figure out some medical problems and it can seem overwhelming. Sometimes I started to question whether it was just anxiety. I will tell you that if you appear anxious and too complacent YOUR PHYSICAL COMPLAINTS WILL NOT BE TAKEN AS SERIOUSLY AS THEY SHOULD BE. Please bring a list a go one by one to get resolution. You have such a cogent thinking attitude. Step away from your self and imagine you are helping someone else through this medical situation. This is not a dragon to be slayed. You slayed that dragon. Just solve it by taking action. It might not be the horror you have built it to be in your mind. Kick those thoughts to the curb. Stop looking up medical stuff. Do you know many medical students begin thinking they have diseases of all sorts once they start learning about them. Even if it is something, JUST TAKE CARE OF IT. Medical buildings are just buildings. Most medical personnel are just people dedicated to health. YOU ARE NOT IN THAILAND. YOU ARE OLDER. YOU ARE WISER. YOU ARE MORE CLEAR HEADED. You had the ability to convince yourself that life would be better as a female so please please use that same power to convince yourself that life in reality will be better as a healthy person sans suffering. All the best Alex. You are a smart, strong guy. Just get it done. I'm with you in spirit. Elizabeth from NYC
Hoping you keep your appointment. You're brave, intelligent and I'm sending you the best wishes from NYC. Believe me that is no small feat because all the loons are trying to steal everything.... even wishes. Be well. Elizabeth from NYC
as a straight man i can empathise with your predicament...my advice would be to go out walking in the countryside regularly maybe get a dog or offer to take aneighbours hound with you and take up yoga..thereare lots of starter vids on here both will calm ur mental state
My daughter hemorrhaged at 12 after a tonsillectomy and she is 36 years old now and it literally gave her PTSD. For at least three years after her trauma she spit in her hand often it became a bad habit. She now thinks everything is going to be the worst case scenario.
As in to check for blood? I do that all the time. I have seen myself bleed so many times that i'm always paranoid about it. I check my saliva, my ears nose, toilet stuff, everything every day convinced that I will see blood.
It's obvious that you have ptsd and understandably so. They freak me out too because of my own experiences. I hope you can talk to a therapist surrounding doctors offices.
My heart bleeds for you Alex. Really sad. Thank you for educating people and being so informative. We are learning alot. You are so brave I must say. You are putting everything aside to be able to educate. Salute to you Sir. Så stolt av deg. Tusen takk for det.
I hope that your health is good. If you go to a clinic you have the chance to make some progress on "enduring" to do it...at least if you will have a better experience this time. You know that for sure. Also, I think it would be better if you hide users from your channels if they are trollers. I appreciate your content and I am waiting for an update 👍 Sorry for my english, i m pretty bad at it
Your English is just fine. I don't know, not a big fan of censorship so I think someone would have to go really far in order for me to hide them or remove their comments.
I know it must not be easy to share your trauma or put it into words, but you are so brave to share it with us. What an awful place to be in. I really hope you get to feel better and your pain isn't anything serious. You deserve to be healthy and happy!
I’m so so sorry you have to live with this complications 😭 That’s very understandable, the trauma response. I wish your health will become better 🙏🏻 I don’t understand why this surgeries are even exists. Why to give a hope and then give such results possibly! It’s more honest to tell that medicine is not at the good level yet. It’s so awful! To do this to people.
You are not stupid , you are super intelligent and a wonderful person !!! I'm sorry you are going through this , but try not to let the " fear " take over . And I know I cannot even begin understand the physical & mental trauma you have endured ! Thankyou for sharing your story and I wish you all the best at the Dr next week ! Hopefully it's diverticulitis infection & can be fixed with a course of antibiotics ! Good luck OK and take care ! 😊
I have a phobia for medical doctors. It was kept to a minimum for decades because I had a doctor I really liked.. She retired a number of years ago now, and oh boy, it's been a challenge.. I know your apprehension comes from a different place, but I do hope you can get a doctor you are comfortable with. (I totally understand your postponing medical appointments.. )
Being anxious about going to the doctor and postponing the appointment isn't stupid. That happens to a lot of people. You're just struggling to get yourself to go to the doctor and that's normal.
I understand that you are obviously very upset. Okay let’s just be real, you’re freaked out about this visit to the doctor. I’m so sorry you run through all of these emotions when preparing for your appointment. I’m no professional, but the full-blown panic is a form of PTSD. Very sorry that the sights, colors and smells cause you to relive such difficult times. I won’t get all preachy or religious on you here, but I’m holding a good thought for you that you get treatment for the severe cramping you’re experiencing. Also hoping the emotional and mental stress and trauma are assuaged. Worry and panic will wear you down. Take care of yourself, okay?
Try being upfront with your doctor about your psychological barrier/s to treatment, if they're any good they will be aware and accommodating of your difficulties.
It is difficult as Alexander's difficulties are NOT because he has poor psychology. His response is a natural healthy aversion to a place which hurt him. You are correct that a truly good healer will recognize the falibility of their profession and try to accommodate while not over promising on their abilities.
I also had problems with my colon. I had a colonoscopy. They didn't find anything physical. If they don't find anything physical they diagnose irritable bowel syndrome. I spoke to my GP. He told me that unfortunately he couldn't just give me a pill. It was very complex because there were lots of different factors, like intolerance to a certain enzyme or other possibilities. But there is no pill for a fundamental problem. That is when it comes from a deep trauma or bullying. Because that affects the nervous system. The bowels are an organ that is connected to the nervous system. You would have to do therapy that treats the point that is causing the trauma.
Alexander, from where I am, thousands of miles away, I perceive you as someone who had this surgery as a vulnerable adult, who didn’t receive the appropriate counseling & screening beforehand. Please don’t blame yourself. Here, where I live, there is a medical center just for LGBTQ patients, where they receive kind, compassionate care, by people who are part of that community. If there is someplace like that near you, I’d encourage you to look into it. It sounds as if you would benefit from support from a counselor or a group where you could share your feelings. What was done to you was, in my opinion, unforgivable. Coming to terms with this irreversible surgery would take a lot of time and work to integrate, I suspect. I doubt it will ever be entirely overcome, in the same way that deep grief is something we never “get over.” If I could I would hug you as if you were my beloved grandson and tell you that you are still you, and you are whole, in all the ways that matter. I’m sending you my most caring and healing thoughts. 🌻
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It isn't hateful to ask others to think hard about life-changing decisions, it's loving. I have a similar trauma response as an autistic person with PTSD. I hope so, so dearly that you can make it to that appointment. It's terrifying. This internet stranger is sending so, so much love your way. Recovery isn't linear, it's cyclical & sometimes progress doesn't look like what we think it should. It's important to get those overwhelming emotions out. I hope you're able to heal both physically and psychologically. No one deserves this pain. Please take care of yourself as much as you can. 🫂
You might want to get evaluated IBD (inflammatory bowel disease), the pain you're describing is a bit much. Try to remember the doctors in this department are separate from the gender clinic, and should be far more skilled.
You commited a serious mistake also because you were too young to understand the implications and also because you lack any real care specially from the so called "transcare". But you learned from your mistake and know is showing how smart and conscious you are.
I 100% agree that they make it far too easy for anyone these days to ‘change’ gender physically and/or sex on documents etc. when I began my journey more than 10years ago I had to see a psychologist to determine that I was actually trans, a psychiatrist to allow me to transition and a G.P as well as an endocrinologist. All of them had to agree that I was actually someone who was appropriate to transition. Now a days I know of ‘girls’ who have walked into their GP one day when they suddenly realised they were a woman, and were prescribed hormones. Which is ironic because now I’m trying to track down an endocrinologist and apparently they’re really hard to come by now.. probably from all the wack jobs who suddenly decided to change genders overnight.
Please, please-- you are NOT a stupid person. That voice in your head that speaks to you that way is WRONG!! Work on changing your inner voice, and you'll find peace eventually in this life. This is an incredibly intimate experience you are choosing to share with the Internet, and I applaud your bravery. But as a mother (& someone recovering from an inner voice that constantly tore me down), it's painful to hear you speak about yourself in such a way. You are not stupid; you are living and learning like the rest of us!!!!
Thank you but I still have to say I'm stupid. I believe more people should admit their own stupidity. How can we achieve wisdom and knowledge if we are blind to our own stupidity? This is not just about lack of knowledge or intelligence, no. Intelligent people can do really stupid things and form lacking arguments where they are biased.
You sound neurodivergent as well. Have you learned how your brain is wired? This is the first video of yours that I've seen. Before I learned how my brain was wired and how to accommodate that wiring, life was hell. I'm an anxious person, and was undiagnosed most my life because my parents didn't want me labeled 🙄
@@AuDHD_Mom I was diagnosed with ASD (or Asperger's syndrome as it was called back then) in 2015 when I was 22. I did a video on common myths and misconceptions about autism in December last year, I believe. I thought maybe it's something you'd be interested in.
@@alexanderl9721 oh, believe me, I will be binging all your content tonight after my kiddos are in bed. I'm watching this during my afternoon sensory reset. I will tell you, before I started therapy with a good therapist (I had two really crappy therapists before I found a good one), I would have public meltdowns so often. 😢 Now that I know what I need (like these afternoon sensory resets), it's gotten better!
@@alexanderl9721 I also know I'm prone to binary thinking, so I resist and push back against that. It is so hard to be neurodivergent in this world that doesn't accommodate neurodivergencies!! And my parents did the best the could, but my Mom definitely saw my strangeness as reflecting poorly on her, and tried to bully it out of me. Did a number on my mental health. I was suicidal by ten, and had a bully that told me how to take my own life. I'm grateful her instructions didn't work because every knife in my house was dull, cheap junk.
Àlex, I know Europeans think of religion and Christ as archaic. It's SO obvious that at a minimum the world and we have been intelligently designed. I pray you will just walk into a beautiful (bc beauty is Godlike) Catholic Church, not during a Mass, but during Adoration or just sit in a pew and ask the Holy Spirit to enter you. Jesus Christ is the ONLY source of peace and strength.
I believe in god in my own way but I'm not a supporter of organised religion. Especially not the Catholic Church which holds too much power and wealth. I think Vatican should be dismantled altogether. I have nothing against you as an individual Catholic though. :)
@@alexanderl9721 I appreciate and respect your opinion. I am at work in California so I can't elaborate but needless to say, I still wish this for you, to sit inside of a church and forget all the man-made aspects of it but remember the men who built the Church maybe a century ago, perhaps with great love for the true God.
You probably have hemerroids, Alexander. I know you spoke about straining so it makes sense. I have it and it feels like broken glass in your anus sometimes. I’m sorry you’re in pain and scared. But I promise you these clinicians do not care at all, in fact they don’t have time to care. Maybe you can take some anti anxiety meds if you have such a severe reaction.
Thank you for your concern. I haven't had the broken glass pain in many years and that was due to damage done during surgery. The pain I experiencing right now can be best described as colon spasms and I don't think it's a common symptom of hemorrhoids.
@@alexanderl9721 It may be prostate atrophy from lack of testosterone. I experience pelvic floor cramps, which were reduced after several weeks of using testosterone gel. Definitely talk to your doctor! Wishing you healing ❤️🩹
Yeah I agree the technology for the srs is not good enough and can be a big downgrade. You have been pushed into it way to fast like its a cash grab. After something like that its really hard to walk back into the hospital do to the trauma but you have to walk in there to stay alive.
Have you considered doing a tele-health type of doctors visit. Like a zoom call with a doctor. Might not be that helpful since they can't run tests, but better than nothing
Appreciate your suggestion but I think it's important to face your fears so I will actually go see my doctor. That and the fact it's better to be examined even if I'm not going to get all the answers right away most likely.
Doctors and hospitals traumatize you and yet you elect such radical surgeries. Was there no one to advise you to do nothing and just accept who you are? There are plenty of plastic surgeons quite happy ($$$) to perform endless operations on a person while knowing their problem is psychological and not cureable by surgery.
It could be because of the surgery you had. Hopefully it's not life threatening. I think it's ok for you to blame them partly for this pain. You were sold an idea that isn't technologically there yet. It might never be tbh. I understand that more surgery is the last thing you want but whatever it is I don't think they could do worst. I'd like to believe that at least.
I take estrogen and present feniminine but would never hacd srs ,i feel like there is a push in some circles to get it and amongst some doctors and naive people could go alomg with it without realizing ,yes you can take hormones and present fenimine and never have bottom surgery
What is the actual reason you're trying to detransition??? Most trans girls i know, including myself, now enjoy our lives as girls/women. I personally love life since my SRS surgery and oestrogen transitioned me to something close to being the girl i should have been at birth. What happened to make you so unhappy with your new life as the girl you so desired to be ??? Why are you so sad? 😐
Thank you so much for asking. 🙂 Allow me to explain. First of all, I am not trying to detransition. I have detransitioned eight years ago. I'm not really sad. I'm happy most of the time and even in most of my video I'm feeling rather happy but we all have bad days and trauma as well as health concerns can cause such bad days. The reason I detransitioned is because I started to accept myself as a man. As a gay man which was something I was running away from for many years since I was deeply closeted. I grew up in an environment that was quite awful towards men that weren't masculine. Transitioning was a mistake on my part but I'm happy for those who made a right decision for them by transitioning. I just think it's important to truly understand yourself and your motives before making such steps. Today I love being a man.
a better question - what in the world made you think this was a comment worthy of posting? are you that narcissistic, self-absorbed, and deluded to watch a video like this and think - "hey, i should comment about how I am actually really happy! ME ME ME ME ME!" actually don't answer that, it's clear you are all of those things. hormones and surgeries will NEVER make you a woman, by the way. Alexander was smart and self-aware enough to see that. clearly you're not.
@@MrLemonhead333 I don't see anything wrong with her question. She was curious why someone would want to detransition and I think it was a question worth answering. This type of dialogue is important.
@@alexanderl9721 Alexander, I'm almost 77 yrs old. I've known since around the age of 3 I was a girl but too young then to understand why I had the body of a boy and was being raised as one. I suffered badly from depression until the age of 20 or so, then began dressing as a girl, leading to living full time as one. Here in the UK all medication, including oestrogen then SRS is free on our NHS. I've lived a mainly contented life as a woman ever since. A Dr Thomas over here 🇬🇧 who specialises in SRS does a fantastic job creating a fully functioning vagina. He's probably dead by now, he operated on me near 55 yrs ago. I've always been looked upon by others as being a petite well groomed lady, still am up to this present day. I've never regretted my transition, I enjoy life as a woman, still do 💃🏻 I can't imagine what made you decide to detransition, possibly you being an effeminate gay guy who took a step too far? Believing you were transgender, transitioned, then realised you'd made a massive mistake? The only trans women I know that regret their lives are 3 gay transvestites who have told me transitioning was the biggest mistake of their lives. Two, like yourself, are living as guys again but are not happy at all. The other one is a hopeless alcoholic and trans prostitute who has aged terribly 😥 Anyway, I hope you get your life back to something reasonable, Alexander. Linda xxx
Sounds like you are in the honeymoon period as people experience with any new experience. The fact is you're not a female. It is not possible for you to ever become one and am sorry you went this far.
I am really sorry for your experience. I have so much fear over getting gender affirming surgery and the potential for complications. I can tell that you are really suffering from this experience and maybe even PTSD. The experience is not unique to gender affirming care, it is something that can happen with all surgeries. I know because I have had a number of them including a major one to get a tumor removed which also removed one of my adrenal glands. I had a carpal tunnel surgery where they had not put enough anesthetic in and i had to scream out loud as the surgeon sliced through my hand. 😢 Now when I go into the hospital or have any medical procedure, even drawing blood for testing, gives me high anxiety. I am pretty sure that I have PTSD around this as well and have had panic attacks in hospital since. I really appreciate your experience and am sorry that you are so traumatized from it. 🫂
I have lots of medical trauma I really feel for you Alex. I’m so sorry. 🫂🫂🫂 For me and you probably relate to this, it’s the combination of the outward clean, tidy, and even nice or cheery look of hospitals mixed with the pain and emotional trap and trauma and fight or flight you feel in these places. The two together are VERY unnerving and just makes it so much worse you know?
You can really tell that it's a very hard subject for you to talk about, and yet you are so brave, and you take us on a journey to the most painful parts of your life. I'm very proud of you, it takes immense strength to face these issues and talk about them so openly and publicly like you do. I want to encourage you to continue exploring these atrocities and warning others not to go through a similar fate. I wish I could physically go with you on those doctor's appointments, just to help guide you through and distract you from the fear and the scary thoughts. I really hope you can find someone that you trust completely to take with you on these medical meetings. By doing what you're doing, reliving with us those moments and those fears, you're adding another layer of memory to them- the layer of you reading the comments and you making the videos, it makes your shield stronger and your spirit tougher. Hopefully it will get easier for you with time and experience, and hopefully you'll be able to help so many others going through the same thing. ❤
You can really tell that it's a very hard subject for you to talk about, and yet you are so brave, and you take us on a journey to the most painful parts of your life. I'm very proud of you, it takes immense strength to face these issues and talk about them so openly and publicly like you do. I want to encourage you to continue exploring these atrocities and warning others not to go through a similar fate.
I wish I could physically go with you on those doctor's appointments, just to help guide you through and distract you from the fear and the scary thoughts. I really hope you can find someone that you trust completely to take with you on these medical meetings.
By doing what you're doing, reliving with us those moments and those fears, you're adding another layer of memory to them- the layer of you reading the comments and you making the videos, it makes your shield stronger and your spirit tougher. Hopefully it will get easier for you with time and experience, and hopefully you'll be able to help so many others going through the same thing. ❤
It is so important not to be alone with your pain and to express it. It helps Alex and it helps many other young people
Your voice is surely saving lives. And souls. Your courage to speak is really heroic. Wish I could thank you in person. Wishing you all the best and sending love!
Alex thanks for sharing this side. It is immensely important that people feel your trauma. The transgender road has enduring harms and detransitionIng doesn't make it go away. You have this immense strength that sometime hide these harms - they are not so obvious. I watch you and it slips out of my mind what was done. It is essential that you remind us from time to time that the scars are there and they run deep. I can certainly understand how one's mind and emotions can cause us to spin out of control. I have always been impressed with how you navigate the challenges so well and remain an essential voice and inspiration for others.
This is the first video I've watched from you, so I did not know the full situation but from the very start I could tell that you ended up walking into that surgery for the wrong reasons. A friend of mine had so wild bottom dysphoria that she attempted to cut in it herself, so in distress that at the moment she did not even care about the function of it, she just wanted it gone. She obviously benefitted from the surgery, because pretty much anything that involved removing her parts would be an improvement. She is obviously an extreme case.
I think bottom surgery can be hugely beneficial for people with so intense bottom dysphoria that makes them pretty much unable to function in day to day life.
I really like the idea of putting a spotlight on people's reasons for bottom surgery, because after reading through pretty much all studies I can find about trans surgery regret, there is a trend that those who regret it have done it for a reason other than trying to escape extreme bottom dysphoria, e.g., a trans woman who got it because her partner forcible told her that she should get it.
Dysphoria at a young age comes and goes as one gets older and more mature. The consequences of the operations do not go away.
Thank you for sharing your story.
My girlfriend is trans. When I started dating her, bottom surgery was something she wanted. She has nowhere near enough saved up so it was a “I want this in the future” sort of thing. I told her I don’t have a preference when it comes to what genitalia she has and I’ll support whatever decision she makes with her body. It turns out she, much like you, wanted bottom surgery not because she hated having a penis or really wanted a vagina, but because she felt some sort of pressure to have a vagina to fit in as a “real woman”. Throughout our relationship I’ve loved her and accepted her as a woman, maintaining that it doesn’t matter to me whether or not she gets the surgery.
And her desire to get it slowly went away.
Occasionally she gets some bottom dysphoria but it comes from insecurity. She has worried that I’d prefer a cis woman or a woman with a vulva over her and that I’d leave her for such a woman.
She’s so loveable 😭
This societal messaging that trans women are unlovable, undesirable, unfuckable freaks is so awful and hurtful.
There must be other trans women pushed into having a surgery they don’t even want because the stigma of being a woman with a penis is so intense.
The other factor in your case and this is something I can personally relate to is the inherent feeling of alienation from your own gender that comes with being autistic. I’m an autistic woman and I questioned my gender identity for *six fucking years* because my connection to womanhood was so uneasy.
The first reason is all the social roles that come with each gender which are all stupid bullshit and very confusing for an autistic person who may feel that because they do not fit the social roles associated with a gender, they cannot be that gender.
The other is a more nebulous and rarely discussed issue. Because we are autistic and miss or ignore a lot of societal norms and social cues, we often fail to “perform” our gender correctly. Others of our gender pick up on this and treat us differently. I find that autistic people are not treated by others as members of their gender, but as members of a “third gender” or “miscellaneous” category. We are often ostracized and othered by those of our own gender. This can lead to some weird type of nebulous social gender dysphoria, the source of which can be hard to pin down. In high school I was compared to a boy by the girls and there was a distance between me and them that they didn’t have with each other. The boys called me a “trap”. (Yes, they called me a word that is meant to degrade and stigmatize women with penises!!) When I’m by myself I feel very comfortable as a female/woman, but in a group of neurotypical women I feel like a creature wearing a woman’s skin, pretending to be a woman.
I wish more autistic people knew that it’s normal for us to feel some level of separation from our gender. I think every autistic person questioning their gender should hang out with a group of autistic people of their gender and see if they still feel that disconnect. Mine goes away when I’m around other autistic women.
My ex regretted her bottom surgery as well. A lot of that had to do with her being worried about social acceptance. Sadly, she found out that society didn't care, they looked down on her no matter what. She was so embarrassed by how it turned out, which is really sad. I didn't care, but it was her body and she was so distressed by it. This is why I stand by trans people AND detransitioners - people should be free to explore their identity without pressure one way or the other. I know another trans person who I mentioned this to, and they also decided to forgo the surgery (they were on and off the fence).
But if it would save someone's life, I support it all the way. There are countless cases where it does, but many people don't realize how few people (in the west) undergo bottom surgery. Especially inversions and the like.
I respect their decision in either direction. I only regret that detransitioners didn't realize that isn't what they wanted in advance and are suffering. It's no one's fault but the doctors for not doing their due diligence or telling the patients what to expect. I have no issue with puberty blockers and the like nor top surgery, but I do think bottom surgery should be treated with more care. Whether someone detransitions or not, it's something to consider with a lot of serious thought. I'm non-binary but also autistic, so I think those of us on the spectrum should be especially cautious and take our time with these things.
Congrats on your girlfriend mate! She sounds lovely 🖤🖤🖤
Um... if it has a penis it's a man. There is no such thing as a woman with a penis.
@@bananewane1402 great insight.
He is manipulating you. Run
@@A-Fc4rl496 Manipulating me into what exactly? Also, she’s a she.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this 💔 and you fully own your decision and honestly don't think you have ever blamed anyone else. There are ppl who care and your so strong it's a testament of who you are ❤ much love and respect for your honesty Alexander
Very powerful stuff man, appreciate you sharing this
I agree!! Such bravery and strength.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with health anxiety. If you have a friend or family member willing to come with you, that may make you feel safer. I hope you're able to find healing soon.
IBS can be brought on by stress like this, and trauma. So sorry Alex, you are going through such a lot. Inflammation can also cause a lot of pain and stress on your body. I get IBS,and have done for 30 years. I tried turmeric juice which is easy to make and that helps to neutralise inflammation, it has helped me. I also did a diet for 10 weeks too which is anti candida diet- really good for the colon. It basically means cutting out all sugars, I'm afraid...but wow it really helped me. Self help like this can help you feel in control of your own body, and also means less trips to DRs.
Alexander, is there ANYone in your life you trust who can give you a damn hug right now? If so, CALL THEM. Maybe ask them to come along for the doctor's visit? This whole situation sucks so bad, it's heartbreaking to see you struggle. You're strong and resilient, and you deserve help when you need it. 🥺💔
What a powerful video, the raw emotions and deep trauma that surfaced is heartbreaking. I do hope that your present problem is not the worst case scenario, given your post surgery complications, it might be something related to them. As to the stress of visiting doctor's office, my problems are nowhere close to what you are experiencing, but my blood pressure always skyrockets when I am there. My best wishes, stay positive if you can.
I’m so sorry. I hate that you had that life altering surgery. It’s good to talk about it. You are helping others I’m sure to really think about getting that done. I totally understand. You had a very traumatic situation. It is unbelievable that it haunts you.
My favorite therapist recommended the book to me, "The Body Keeps the Score" about how trauma informs our physical body. I used to get sick constantly, ground my teeth down and had jaw issues, and chronic pain. I found a really good therapist I clicked with after two absolutely terrible ones that traumatized me more. I now only get sick two or three times a year, don't have public meltdowns, don't clench my jaw or grind my teeth, and master my emotions. Between that book and doing the work in therapy, my life is nothing like it was 8 years ago when every day I was hanging on for dear life. There is hope. There is sunshine after the storm.
Sorry to see the trolling on here Alexander. Ignore them - dont interact with them. They want to get a reaction from you. You are going to be ok - you have tons of people supporting you who think you are courageous and strong and admire everything you are doing by speaking out on this issue. Keep us posted on your appointment with the GP - i'm sure all will be fine and it is anxiety driving this. You are not stupid or a hypocrite - you are just human. Do you have a friend or family member to call and be with right now? LOVE xxxx
Thanks. I was just talking to my mum on the phone.
@@alexanderl9721 good - hope you are feeling in a better place? Keep in contact with your subscribers so we know how you are doing x
>>> Sorry to see the trolling on here Alexander. Ignore them - dont interact with them. They want to get a reaction from you
Read over 30 comments, didn't see one. I hate phonies like you.
Alex, I'm sending you a big hug from the UK. I really hope you get to see a good doctor who will look after you and understand your trauma. XX
At time anout 19:00 you give good advice to people who consider the surgery.
To think it in the long run.
I am a transgener person. Meaning
feeling more affiliation to the male gender.
I don't agree to the chosen term "gender dysphoria".
I think that term makes it very bad. And perhaps it confuses people.
I was sent to gender therapist. They recommend as always hormones and surgeries.
I came across a hermaphrodite platform, and they told me the about long term consequences, that it cannot be predicted at the time of the operation.
(Hope it does not trigger - sorry )
When I told the therapist I didn't want surgery.
I don't want hormones.
Oh, that's not their narrative...
She asked why?
I mentioned long-term consequences.
She said you are just afraid of the surgery. That means you are transphobic.
She ended the therapy.
The trans community said if you don't take hormones you're not trans.
People in society said they were informed. If you don't take hormones and don't have surgery, you are not trans.
Trans means transition.
I was invalidated everywhere.
Having the whole society against you is not easy to endure.
It is so difficult to say something like I don't want surgery if you are already in the community.
All are waiting what you are you are going to do.
How far you want to go.
They drop you if you don't meet these expectations.
The narrative is that you should agree.
I believe with all my heart your brave courageous story going to save many people from this horrible surgery. God bless you for sharing it. That takes guts.
I admire this man’s courage to talk about his vulnerabilities. We need to encourage all our sons to open up if we want to redress the male suicide epidemic.
"Opening up" is often NOT how many men heal from their thoughts of self harm. In fact for some, it can make them feel much worse.
@@tonyhoffman3309 That is true, im sure. I think we should allow men to heal however they see fit. Genuine question, how do you think we as a society could help men out of deep depression? There is clearly problems men are facing that is being ignored. I just want to know your ideas.
As a MD, get your ass in to see your doc. It might also be diverticulitis. In the mean time try a low fiber diet for diverticulitis. If it doesn't work then it could also be ischemic bowel. You'll need a colonoscopy to diagnose those diseases.
The inattention, lack of care, and malpractice the medical and professional psychological communities have allowed to be inflicted on you unchecked is literally, irretrievably criminal. It's my sincere hope that you, and the ever growing number of people like you who've been betrayed by these institutions because of avarice, greed, ideology, or whatever combination of the three, will at some point receive justice for what you've been put through.
I'm sorry, but it's not just a failure of medical and mental health professionals.
There is a LEGION of people claiming to be trans who are both self-diagnosed and insistent that they be allowed to proceed without (much) reflection, mental health assistance, or social guidance.
This person is actually admitting, without admitting, that they may have been in error. But sure.....blame the world that transition didn't solve any of your (other) problems.
You are such an amazing young man. 🥰 ❤
It hurts to hear you’re hurting like this. I have a friend who also has medical trauma - it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Sending much love and healing, please do take care of yourself, Alexander ❤️🩹
The growling is a somatic healing response. It's really cool that our bodies know that the low frequency vibration activates on the vagus nerve & promotes healing throughout the central nervous system. Put on some Gojira (or similar) & have a good grrrrrrr! X
PLEASE READ THIS: I have several chronic pain conditions I am dealing with pretty well - I work in the mental health field AND very busy -- BUT one of my worst pain conditions is around my tailbone and the nerve pain was rated 11/10 and suffered for year's as it hit's in middle of the night waking me. NOTHING worked including morphine... BUT try a VERY HOT shallow bath - just enough to sit in - IT TAKES THE PAIN AWAY FAST instead of HOURS of crying. Mine was from broken tailbone that healed wrong AND LIGAMENTS wrapped wrong. Several conditions present in this way. TRY IT!!! PLEASE I THOUGHT IT WAS COLON CANCER TOO! I've had my appendix rupture, arm crushed and many other's THIS PAIN WAS WORSE. NERVE PAIN! TRY THE SHALLOW VERY HOT BATH> 5 mins it will be gone!!!
Wishing you all the best and I hope you feel better soon! Thank you for sharing!
My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give to a friendly hug and do something soothing for your soul. We are all so complicated as humans, but we can’t just deconstruct ourselves over and over without harm. The doctor is a smart move. You know you have the ability to calm yourself because look at how far you have come. Just face it head on. Everyone contributes to their health issues. Loose the guilt.
Write a song. Scream. Get some good sleep. I am listening to you. I hear every word you say and even the ones you aren’t saying. Be sure to WRITE DOWN all the things that physically are problematic and address each issue one by one. I spent years in an abusive relationship and not an hour goes by where something can trigger an old trauma. You can move past it. It won’t be gone,but the visceral reactions will lessen greatly. First get in tip top physical shape so your brain in living in a healthy vessel. ❤Physical pain exacerbates the mental trauma. Vice versa. You have braved so many things and I know you can do this. If I could I’d take you by the hand to the emergency room I would. Please keep your appointment. Get well. Be well. Stay well. Elizabeth from NYC.
Thank you so much Elizabeth. Still two days to my appointment so I'm trying to keep myself occupied with something and not think about it too much.
@@alexanderl9721 Alex, Thank you for taking the time to reply. It took me quite some time to figure out some medical problems and it can seem overwhelming. Sometimes I started to question whether it was just anxiety. I will tell you that if you appear anxious and too complacent YOUR PHYSICAL COMPLAINTS WILL NOT BE TAKEN AS SERIOUSLY AS THEY SHOULD BE. Please bring a list a go one by one to get resolution. You have such a cogent thinking attitude. Step away from your self and imagine you are helping someone else through this medical situation. This is not a dragon to be slayed. You slayed that dragon. Just solve it by taking action. It might not be the horror you have built it to be in your mind. Kick those thoughts to the curb. Stop looking up medical stuff. Do you know many medical students begin thinking they have diseases of all sorts once they start learning about them. Even if it is something, JUST TAKE CARE OF IT. Medical buildings are just buildings. Most medical personnel are just people dedicated to health. YOU ARE NOT IN THAILAND. YOU ARE OLDER. YOU ARE WISER. YOU ARE MORE CLEAR HEADED.
You had the ability to convince yourself that life would be better as a female so please please use that same power to convince yourself that life in reality will be better as a healthy person sans suffering. All the best Alex. You are a smart, strong guy. Just get it done. I'm with you in spirit. Elizabeth from NYC
Thinking of you.
Hoping you keep your appointment. You're brave, intelligent and I'm sending you the best wishes from NYC. Believe me that is no small feat because all the loons are trying to steal everything.... even wishes. Be well. Elizabeth from NYC
as a straight man i can empathise with your predicament...my advice would be to go out walking in the countryside regularly maybe get a dog or offer to take aneighbours hound with you and take up yoga..thereare lots of starter vids on here
both will calm ur mental state
Sending you love and healing. Keep telling your story. Best wishes.
My daughter hemorrhaged at 12 after a tonsillectomy and she is 36 years old now and it literally gave her PTSD. For at least three years after her trauma she spit in her hand often it became a bad habit. She now thinks everything is going to be the worst case scenario.
As in to check for blood? I do that all the time. I have seen myself bleed so many times that i'm always paranoid about it. I check my saliva, my ears nose, toilet stuff, everything every day convinced that I will see blood.
@@alexanderl9721 I’m sorry hon I pray you will find peace and healing.
It's obvious that you have ptsd and understandably so. They freak me out too because of my own experiences. I hope you can talk to a therapist surrounding doctors offices.
My heart bleeds for you Alex. Really sad. Thank you for educating people and being so informative. We are learning alot. You are so brave I must say. You are putting everything aside to be able to educate. Salute to you Sir. Så stolt av deg. Tusen takk for det.
I hope that your health is good.
If you go to a clinic you have the chance to make some progress on "enduring" to do it...at least if you will have a better experience this time. You know that for sure.
Also, I think it would be better if you hide users from your channels if they are trollers.
I appreciate your content and I am waiting for an update 👍
Sorry for my english, i m pretty bad at it
Your English is just fine. I don't know, not a big fan of censorship so I think someone would have to go really far in order for me to hide them or remove their comments.
I know it must not be easy to share your trauma or put it into words, but you are so brave to share it with us. What an awful place to be in. I really hope you get to feel better and your pain isn't anything serious. You deserve to be healthy and happy!
I’m so so sorry you have to live with this complications 😭 That’s very understandable, the trauma response. I wish your health will become better 🙏🏻 I don’t understand why this surgeries are even exists. Why to give a hope and then give such results possibly! It’s more honest to tell that medicine is not at the good level yet. It’s so awful! To do this to people.
You are not stupid , you are super intelligent and a wonderful person !!! I'm sorry you are going through this , but try not to let the " fear " take over . And I know I cannot even begin understand the physical & mental trauma you have endured ! Thankyou for sharing your story and I wish you all the best at the Dr next week ! Hopefully it's diverticulitis infection & can be fixed with a course of antibiotics ! Good luck OK and take care ! 😊
I have a phobia for medical doctors. It was kept to a minimum for decades because I had a doctor I really liked.. She retired a number of years ago now, and oh boy, it's been a challenge.. I know your apprehension comes from a different place, but I do hope you can get a doctor you are comfortable with. (I totally understand your postponing medical appointments.. )
Many doctors and dentists are deeply untrustworthy. We need to be proactive.
Being anxious about going to the doctor and postponing the appointment isn't stupid. That happens to a lot of people. You're just struggling to get yourself to go to the doctor and that's normal.
I understand that you are obviously very upset. Okay let’s just be real, you’re freaked out about this visit to the doctor. I’m so sorry you run through all of these emotions when preparing for your appointment. I’m no professional, but the full-blown panic is a form of PTSD. Very sorry that the sights, colors and smells cause you to relive such difficult times. I won’t get all preachy or religious on you here, but I’m holding a good thought for you that you get treatment for the severe cramping you’re experiencing. Also hoping the emotional and mental stress and trauma are assuaged. Worry and panic will wear you down. Take care of yourself, okay?
I'm so sorry that they did this atrocity to you, Alex. May the peace of Christ comfort you.
Praying for you Alexander 🙏
Alexander - I am praying for you. You definitely have PTSD. Much love to you, my friend. ❤
Fasting cures most ailments. I do NOT run to the doctor. They know so little.
Try being upfront with your doctor about your psychological barrier/s to treatment, if they're any good they will be aware and accommodating of your difficulties.
It is difficult as Alexander's difficulties are NOT because he has poor psychology. His response is a natural healthy aversion to a place which hurt him. You are correct that a truly good healer will recognize the falibility of their profession and try to accommodate while not over promising on their abilities.
I know excactly what you are talking about. Your are not alone with that. I had such a trauma after a surgery as well.
I also had problems with my colon. I had a colonoscopy. They didn't find anything physical. If they don't find anything physical they diagnose irritable bowel syndrome. I spoke to my GP. He told me that unfortunately he couldn't just give me a pill. It was very complex because there were lots of different factors, like intolerance to a certain enzyme or other possibilities. But there is no pill for a fundamental problem. That is when it comes from a deep trauma or bullying. Because that affects the nervous system. The bowels are an organ that is connected to the nervous system. You would have to do therapy that treats the point that is causing the trauma.
Alexander, from where I am, thousands of miles away, I perceive you as someone who had this surgery as a vulnerable adult, who didn’t receive the appropriate counseling & screening beforehand. Please don’t blame yourself. Here, where I live, there is a medical center just for LGBTQ patients, where they receive kind, compassionate care, by people who are part of that community. If there is someplace like that near you, I’d encourage you to look into it. It sounds as if you would benefit from support from a counselor or a group where you could share your feelings. What was done to you was, in my opinion, unforgivable. Coming to terms with this irreversible surgery would take a lot of time and work to integrate, I suspect. I doubt it will ever be entirely overcome, in the same way that deep grief is something we never “get over.” If I could I would hug you as if you were my beloved grandson and tell you that you are still you, and you are whole, in all the ways that matter. I’m sending you my most caring and healing thoughts. 🌻
That is so much to deal with. It sounds like a unique kind of PTSD. Wishing you all the best at your appointment. Bon courage. ❤
For many who are experiencing what Alexander is experiencing, it was in part caused by those in such "communities" within the Healthcare system.
@@tonyhoffman3309 I’m not sure what your point is. I was referring to quality medical care, primary care. For the full range of medical needs.
Alexander-I sent you an email, I hope you’re able to read it. Take care, and God bless you. ✝️🕊️
Subbed :)
Thank you.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It isn't hateful to ask others to think hard about life-changing decisions, it's loving. I have a similar trauma response as an autistic person with PTSD. I hope so, so dearly that you can make it to that appointment. It's terrifying. This internet stranger is sending so, so much love your way. Recovery isn't linear, it's cyclical & sometimes progress doesn't look like what we think it should. It's important to get those overwhelming emotions out. I hope you're able to heal both physically and psychologically. No one deserves this pain. Please take care of yourself as much as you can. 🫂
You might want to get evaluated IBD (inflammatory bowel disease), the pain you're describing is a bit much. Try to remember the doctors in this department are separate from the gender clinic, and should be far more skilled.
You commited a serious mistake also because you were too young to understand the implications and also because you lack any real care specially from the so called "transcare". But you learned from your mistake and know is showing how smart and conscious you are.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I 100% agree that they make it far too easy for anyone these days to ‘change’ gender physically and/or sex on documents etc.
when I began my journey more than 10years ago I had to see a psychologist to determine that I was actually trans, a psychiatrist to allow me to transition and a G.P as well as an endocrinologist. All of them had to agree that I was actually someone who was appropriate to transition.
Now a days I know of ‘girls’ who have walked into their GP one day when they suddenly realised they were a woman, and were prescribed hormones. Which is ironic because now I’m trying to track down an endocrinologist and apparently they’re really hard to come by now.. probably from all the wack jobs who suddenly decided to change genders overnight.
Please, please-- you are NOT a stupid person. That voice in your head that speaks to you that way is WRONG!! Work on changing your inner voice, and you'll find peace eventually in this life. This is an incredibly intimate experience you are choosing to share with the Internet, and I applaud your bravery. But as a mother (& someone recovering from an inner voice that constantly tore me down), it's painful to hear you speak about yourself in such a way. You are not stupid; you are living and learning like the rest of us!!!!
Thank you but I still have to say I'm stupid. I believe more people should admit their own stupidity. How can we achieve wisdom and knowledge if we are blind to our own stupidity? This is not just about lack of knowledge or intelligence, no. Intelligent people can do really stupid things and form lacking arguments where they are biased.
You sound neurodivergent as well. Have you learned how your brain is wired? This is the first video of yours that I've seen. Before I learned how my brain was wired and how to accommodate that wiring, life was hell. I'm an anxious person, and was undiagnosed most my life because my parents didn't want me labeled 🙄
@@AuDHD_Mom I was diagnosed with ASD (or Asperger's syndrome as it was called back then) in 2015 when I was 22. I did a video on common myths and misconceptions about autism in December last year, I believe. I thought maybe it's something you'd be interested in.
@@alexanderl9721 oh, believe me, I will be binging all your content tonight after my kiddos are in bed. I'm watching this during my afternoon sensory reset. I will tell you, before I started therapy with a good therapist (I had two really crappy therapists before I found a good one), I would have public meltdowns so often. 😢 Now that I know what I need (like these afternoon sensory resets), it's gotten better!
@@alexanderl9721 I also know I'm prone to binary thinking, so I resist and push back against that. It is so hard to be neurodivergent in this world that doesn't accommodate neurodivergencies!! And my parents did the best the could, but my Mom definitely saw my strangeness as reflecting poorly on her, and tried to bully it out of me. Did a number on my mental health. I was suicidal by ten, and had a bully that told me how to take my own life. I'm grateful her instructions didn't work because every knife in my house was dull, cheap junk.
Àlex, I know Europeans think of religion and Christ as archaic. It's SO obvious that at a minimum the world and we have been intelligently designed. I pray you will just walk into a beautiful (bc beauty is Godlike) Catholic Church, not during a Mass, but during Adoration or just sit in a pew and ask the Holy Spirit to enter you. Jesus Christ is the ONLY source of peace and strength.
I believe in god in my own way but I'm not a supporter of organised religion. Especially not the Catholic Church which holds too much power and wealth. I think Vatican should be dismantled altogether. I have nothing against you as an individual Catholic though. :)
@@alexanderl9721 I appreciate and respect your opinion. I am at work in California so I can't elaborate but needless to say, I still wish this for you, to sit inside of a church and forget all the man-made aspects of it but remember the men who built the Church maybe a century ago, perhaps with great love for the true God.
You probably have hemerroids, Alexander. I know you spoke about straining so it makes sense. I have it and it feels like broken glass in your anus sometimes. I’m sorry you’re in pain and scared. But I promise you these clinicians do not care at all, in fact they don’t have time to care. Maybe you can take some anti anxiety meds if you have such a severe reaction.
Thank you for your concern. I haven't had the broken glass pain in many years and that was due to damage done during surgery. The pain I experiencing right now can be best described as colon spasms and I don't think it's a common symptom of hemorrhoids.
@@alexanderl9721 It may be prostate atrophy from lack of testosterone. I experience pelvic floor cramps, which were reduced after several weeks of using testosterone gel. Definitely talk to your doctor! Wishing you healing ❤️🩹
Yeah I agree the technology for the srs is not good enough and can be a big downgrade. You have been pushed into it way to fast like its a cash grab. After something like that its really hard to walk back into the hospital do to the trauma but you have to walk in there to stay alive.
I love your shirt! Tom McDonald is one of my favorite artists!
Have you considered doing a tele-health type of doctors visit. Like a zoom call with a doctor. Might not be that helpful since they can't run tests, but better than nothing
Appreciate your suggestion but I think it's important to face your fears so I will actually go see my doctor. That and the fact it's better to be examined even if I'm not going to get all the answers right away most likely.
I hope you find yourself in a better place soon
Can you do a telephone consult with a health practitioner rather than an in-person visit? At least to start with?
Oh, please, no. I have a friend who had colon cancer. The chemo is not easy. Dont make assumptions until your doctor says otherwise.
Uffda starkars. Det gjør så vondt å se at du slitter med teauma. Bekalger så meget.
Your hair flip flops from left to right more than elon musk 😂
Sorry, I know this is a serious topic. Best of luck
😂
Doctors and hospitals traumatize you and yet you elect such radical surgeries. Was there no one to advise you to do nothing and just accept who you are? There are plenty of plastic surgeons quite happy ($$$) to perform endless operations on a person while knowing their problem is psychological and not cureable by surgery.
You missed the point. It was the surgery that caused the trauma. That trauma wasn't there from before.
SRS adds atrauma to already existing psychological and or cultural/familial/societal illness. Perhaps this is what the original comment or meant.
Seems to be you have PTSD. I’m not surprised after the trauma you have been through ❤
It could be because of the surgery you had. Hopefully it's not life threatening. I think it's ok for you to blame them partly for this pain. You were sold an idea that isn't technologically there yet. It might never be tbh. I understand that more surgery is the last thing you want but whatever it is I don't think they could do worst. I'd like to believe that at least.
I take estrogen and present feniminine but would never hacd srs ,i feel like there is a push in some circles to get it and amongst some doctors and naive people could go alomg with it without realizing ,yes you can take hormones and present fenimine and never have bottom surgery
Thank you for telling your truth!
P.S. Would be easier to listen to if you could stop touching your face and hair.
What is the actual reason you're trying to detransition??? Most trans girls i know, including myself, now enjoy our lives as girls/women. I personally love life since my SRS surgery and oestrogen transitioned me to something close to being the girl i should have been at birth. What happened to make you so unhappy with your new life as the girl you so desired to be ??? Why are you so sad? 😐
Thank you so much for asking. 🙂 Allow me to explain. First of all, I am not trying to detransition. I have detransitioned eight years ago. I'm not really sad. I'm happy most of the time and even in most of my video I'm feeling rather happy but we all have bad days and trauma as well as health concerns can cause such bad days.
The reason I detransitioned is because I started to accept myself as a man. As a gay man which was something I was running away from for many years since I was deeply closeted. I grew up in an environment that was quite awful towards men that weren't masculine. Transitioning was a mistake on my part but I'm happy for those who made a right decision for them by transitioning. I just think it's important to truly understand yourself and your motives before making such steps. Today I love being a man.
a better question - what in the world made you think this was a comment worthy of posting? are you that narcissistic, self-absorbed, and deluded to watch a video like this and think - "hey, i should comment about how I am actually really happy! ME ME ME ME ME!"
actually don't answer that, it's clear you are all of those things. hormones and surgeries will NEVER make you a woman, by the way. Alexander was smart and self-aware enough to see that. clearly you're not.
@@MrLemonhead333 I don't see anything wrong with her question. She was curious why someone would want to detransition and I think it was a question worth answering. This type of dialogue is important.
@@alexanderl9721 Alexander, I'm almost 77 yrs old. I've known since around the age of 3 I was a girl but too young then to understand why I had the body of a boy and was being raised as one. I suffered badly from depression until the age of 20 or so, then began dressing as a girl, leading to living full time as one. Here in the UK all medication, including oestrogen then SRS is free on our NHS. I've lived a mainly contented life as a woman ever since. A Dr Thomas over here 🇬🇧 who specialises in SRS does a fantastic job creating a fully functioning vagina. He's probably dead by now, he operated on me near 55 yrs ago. I've always been looked upon by others as being a petite well groomed lady, still am up to this present day. I've never regretted my transition, I enjoy life as a woman, still do 💃🏻 I can't imagine what made you decide to detransition, possibly you being an effeminate gay guy who took a step too far? Believing you were transgender, transitioned, then realised you'd made a massive mistake? The only trans women I know that regret their lives are 3 gay transvestites who have told me transitioning was the biggest mistake of their lives. Two, like yourself, are living as guys again but are not happy at all. The other one is a hopeless alcoholic and trans prostitute who has aged terribly 😥 Anyway, I hope you get your life back to something reasonable, Alexander. Linda xxx
Sounds like you are in the honeymoon period as people experience with any new experience. The fact is you're not a female. It is not possible for you to ever become one and am sorry you went this far.
🙏🙏
I hope you are doing okay.
Could you talk about people like Blair who are happy why is it like that??
All forms of medical "transitioning" should be 100% illegal.
It is anti-medicine. Extreme, medicalized destruction of health, both physical and mental.
I am really sorry for your experience. I have so much fear over getting gender affirming surgery and the potential for complications. I can tell that you are really suffering from this experience and maybe even PTSD. The experience is not unique to gender affirming care, it is something that can happen with all surgeries. I know because I have had a number of them including a major one to get a tumor removed which also removed one of my adrenal glands. I had a carpal tunnel surgery where they had not put enough anesthetic in and i had to scream out loud as the surgeon sliced through my hand. 😢 Now when I go into the hospital or have any medical procedure, even drawing blood for testing, gives me high anxiety. I am pretty sure that I have PTSD around this as well and have had panic attacks in hospital since. I really appreciate your experience and am sorry that you are so traumatized from it. 🫂
I have lots of medical trauma I really feel for you Alex. I’m so sorry. 🫂🫂🫂 For me and you probably relate to this, it’s the combination of the outward clean, tidy, and even nice or cheery look of hospitals mixed with the pain and emotional trap and trauma and fight or flight you feel in these places. The two together are VERY unnerving and just makes it so much worse you know?
You can really tell that it's a very hard subject for you to talk about, and yet you are so brave, and you take us on a journey to the most painful parts of your life. I'm very proud of you, it takes immense strength to face these issues and talk about them so openly and publicly like you do. I want to encourage you to continue exploring these atrocities and warning others not to go through a similar fate.
I wish I could physically go with you on those doctor's appointments, just to help guide you through and distract you from the fear and the scary thoughts. I really hope you can find someone that you trust completely to take with you on these medical meetings.
By doing what you're doing, reliving with us those moments and those fears, you're adding another layer of memory to them- the layer of you reading the comments and you making the videos, it makes your shield stronger and your spirit tougher. Hopefully it will get easier for you with time and experience, and hopefully you'll be able to help so many others going through the same thing. ❤