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Hi Lisa! Your parents are/were narcissists, yes? You sure gave a true definition or narcissists off the cuff and I know it was was REALLY TOUGH growing up with not 1, but 2 of them! You've been through hell and back. Such a strong young lady you are! 👏👏👏 Thank you for sharing😊
What happens when you exhibit four of the five? I tend to have the first four? I try to keep my mind constantly going. Unusually through reading and learning. Anything that will keep my mind busy. I'm unable to physically keep myself on the go or I would. I'm also very much the helper. I love doing things and types of work that helps others, and I also try to keep the peace when put in those situations. I am also always waiting for the other shoe to drop with other people. I don't ever fully trust anyone on an emotional level. And lastly I like to be in control. I try to keep myself from responding in this way because I don't like it, but it's hard to let go of sometimes.
Several things happened in my 10th year of an alcoholic (Dad) and co-dependent (Mom); my Mom took my coin collection without asking and turned in the coins....at face value. I discovered the theft and my Mom acted like it was no big deal. I was Beatle crazy and had read that George had taught himself to play and my Mom told me disgustedly "Well that's George, YOU couldn't do it!" I was so desperate to get a guitar I fell for the "sell greeting cards and earn a guitar" ad in my comic books. When the cards arrived I excitedly told my Dad what I was going to do and he smirked at me and said "I don't think you've got what it takes". He didn't offer to buy some cards or go with me when I dejectedly tried selling door to door. We went to Disneyland in our station wagon, running on fumes and jelly sandwiches. I had to pee and my Dad didn't want to stop. He finally stopped at a gas station and was seething with anger. I was so afraid of him that I literally could not pee. I got back in the car and held it as long as I could. When I whispered to my Mom that I had to go again, my Dad backhanded me square in the face. I nearly passed out. By the time I was 11 I decided I was unlovable and no one could be trusted. I was not safe and anything could happen to me and my belongings at any time, for no reason. I was perfectly primed for intense bullying when we moved again and I had to be The New Kid in school for the 6th time. I've been sober for 37 years and taught myself to play guitar well enough to make a career of it. My parents are dead.
I had a nightmare of a childhood. I am now 86 and have always had all 4 types. I have often wondered what kind of person l could have been with a normal childhood family.
@joannedixion1281 To one Joanne to another --I think You are an amazing woman! The fact that we spell our name with an "E" at the end means Excellence!🎉. You're 86 yrs. old with a warrior spirit! I'm sure you have an infectious smile that lights up any room! 😊. Joanne, You are Amazing!🎉😊
I'm 61 and feel the same way. The new term for it is "ambiguous grief " . The loss you feel when your dreams are dead. I would add to that the knowledge that you didn't get to be your authentic self and be a happy, productive,healthy, human being.
My dad was an alcoholic. When i was young we would go down in my grandmas woods where alot of my dads friends would meet with their kids. Everyone would get drunk. Many times on the drive home my dad would drive very fast and say im going to end it all and would steer towards a very deep lake i would take the wheel and fight to keep the car on the road…i was 7 yrs old at the time. Eventually i stopped going with him to those parties. These memories and so many more traumatic experiences pop up still im 67. I think many of my personality traits were caused by all this like i hate confrontation, i have very low self esteem i get nervous in any new situations. Wish i could wash all that pain away.
I’m 64, in my 8th year of therapy. I still have nightmares. I called my dad in June for Father’s Day. He was very nice. However, when I hung up my whole body was shaking!
I will be 65 in March. Had such trauma in childhood. Realized I had been sexually abused as an infant. Holy Spirit impressed upon me the Nightmares(horrific night terrors) of the dis-embodied hand that used to come & hurt me was not normal. Fear stalked me all of my life. Also abandonment issues. Relationship issues. I.V. Drugs & Alcohol abuse. Drove Tractor-Trailer “over-the-road” over 30 years, to isolate from people. Haven’t spoken to my family in over 15 yrs. Marriage is a mess. In 11 yrs. we lived under the same roof for a total of about 1 1/2 yrs. Still trying to get it together. My Pastor is counseling me, recently diagnosed me with Childhood Trauma & Identified the Sexual Abuse. Seem to be kinda going in & out of Positive Progress, sometimes I seem to be getting better, other times I isolate and beat myself up & just wanna throw in the towel. It’s exhausting… just wanna be Normal…
@@brookdyer6620 At 80, I can say that pages like this, that provide insights into our individual torments, or those of our loved ones, can be intercepted and understood, which breaks most of their power. I was lucky. I developed insight fifty years ago, which helped me to assist others to break free. We are a village, and never forget this. Fight on.
Both my parents are narcissists and so is my sister. I married a narcissist and got divorced only to date more narcissistic men . I am a perfectionist, who always had put my family and others first. I knew deep something was wrong with me- well malfunctioning. I watched thousands of videos over the past 6 years and this resonated with me exactly. I have been isolating myself so I don’t attract toxic people but I am getting very strong and videos like this help so much!!! Thank you ❤❤❤
@@Princess_Farah786 me too and I could never figure out what was wrong with me. Healthy people know and run like I have the plague. I just wonder what my life would have been like had my mom not brought a predator into my life & then abandonded me half the time and criticized everything about me the other half of the time. I am intelligent, was naturally fit in my younger days and before my world became constantly dangerous my natural tendency was to want to do things right. Had I not lost 20 iq points from physical abuse & rage & not lived in fight or flight mode that effects my motivation and organization like ADHD, and learned how to make healthy decisions instead of always choosing the wrong guy & struggling with addiction my life could have been so different. I guess recognition is the first step but its hard to know how to proceed when I am middle aged with disabling autoimmune disease & other health issues and knowing I passed my trauma dysregulation onto my son who passed it onto my grandchildren. Hang in there and be kind to yourselves!
At 57, i have found myself in "perfectionism paralysis" where I find it extremely difficult to start projects / tasks, etc, and if i do start, find it hard to finish. I learned in childhood that it was a lot less painful to be criticized for doing nothing, which I put zero effort into, than it was to put a ton of time and effort into something, trying desperately to get it perfect, only to have "dad" find the tiniest flaw (or make one up if he couldn't find one) and make it all about that. Nevermind the 99.9% that was good, I'm only going to hear about the little insignificant part that wasn't.
Do the inner work love yourself pull away from toxic people that should help you with your perfect ionism , your learn to love yoelf just the way you are
All i know about is to work and work myself to the bone and still feel have i ever done enough will i achieve ever achieve. Something worthy@Earthenergy100
That’s me!! Example: In 7th grade we received report cards using letter grades for the first time in our school experiences. I had earned all A’s and one A-. When I gave my card to my mom her first response was, “Why did you get a minus?” I was so devastated….
That’s me!! Example: In 7th grade we received report cards using letter grades for the first time in our school experiences. I had earned all A’s and one A-. When I gave my card to my mom her first response was, “Why did you get a minus?” I was so devastated….
We all have trauma, thats life! Thanks for helping us deal with it. I am not a believer of blaming it on other people. Our parents had trauma and so on. I believe 80% of people do the best they know how.
"Wow, this video has truly opened my eyes to the trauma I’ve been carrying. I had a horrific childhood, and I’m on a journey to heal my mind, body, and spirit. Thank you for this insightful and deeply moving content-it’s helping me take the next steps in my healing process."
At 60 I can deal with flashbacks of my childhood trauma! Honestly it’s exhausting! Been used to, lied to and here. I go still offering to take care of whoever! I just have times I just shut down for a good 24 hours.
Surpressing my emotions landed me into the hospital bleeding to death at 18. It started with a bad stomach ache. They ran every test on me and found nothing wrong. My doctor asked me if something was botheting me. I said yes but thought to myself yes my whole life. He told me i had to find my voice not hold it in and if i had to go yell at tree then do it. I found my voice and learned to process my emotions quickly. That was just the physical part. I also find that i can read people pretty good now.
It’s kinda scary how much my life is like the one you describe growing up. My ex is a malignant narcissist. I can’t afford counseling, and never will be able to. Please, understand how much your videos have helped me. Suicide was looking like the best option for a while. He convinced everyone except one child that I was insane. Even my physician ( the penis club crap). I struggle daily with self worth. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I developed a very compassionate personality and soul because of childhood trauma. Mom was mentally ill and dad an alcoholic. I have turned the ill abuse into a genuine love for the abused and the abusers. It took me years to separate the concern for both sides into a healthy and balanced perspective but thru much research it’s all possible. Seek knock ask and you will find answers. Pray we all get the help needed. 🙏
I’m definitely a helper. I have some perfectionist tendencies as well. I became quite the violinist when I was a kid. I was trying to overachieve to get praise and recognition from my mother. I haven’t touched my violin in 20 years. 😞
I'm 59 and went back to my guitar. Feels weird and I suck at it but it's peaceful. I truly hope you pick that beautiful violin back up and make some lovely music again ❤
I was orphaned by age 10. Mom passed, and a year and 2 days later my dad and my mother mother passed. So I didn't hear that trauma in the list. I'm a bit of a controlling person. But also I don't trust, I'm a loner, so many other things too. It's been a hard life but I did pick up a lot of street smarts, for I was running lose most my life. Ran away from many foster homes. I'm 65 now, and I did alright for myself. I also know that there was a whole lot more to me that never was able to come out. I could have been so much more, and i now I know I had a lot to offer others and myself, but it was all wasted, that is very hard to live with. To feel like it took you 58 years to start seeing and knowing things about yourself and all the things you could have been, but now you must just be ok with what you came to be. I go back and forth with that these thoughts. I know it wasn't my fault, but I also know I can't or shouldn't put too much thought into who's fault it was ! Rough life but I made it. Thanks for the video❤
My life was similar to yours. Both parents passing, Ward Of the State (orphaned), home to home to home, or group home, etc. My parents had 7 of us kids. My dad was an alcoholic and beat us and my mom. Literally, I was scared to death of him. I could go on and on and on, but I think you got the gist of it. I'm not controlling, but more of a people pleaser. I too, wish I had a “normal life”. I yearned for a mom, especially. I also know that I could've been SO MUCH MORE. Wish I could turn back time and start all over. But, we both know that ain't happening! I feel like a failure. On that same note, we weren’t ACTUALLY raised by anyone. The different ppl that took me in, did it for the $$$, or other self-serving, nefarious reasons. One of my favorite sayings is, “you don't know, what you don't know”. I say this because, I was never “taught” the importance of school. Although I did graduate, nobody cared. They didn't care, so I didn't care. I always took mediocre jobs and no aspiration for much more. Worked 2-3 jobs to support myself not knowing or understanding that there were better opportunities. Didn't know, didn't care, and partied a lot. I did know that much. Idl the “victim” mentality and I don't blame them, because that's all they knew or were traumatized growing up, as well. I just wish I know not, what I didn't know then. God speed, sister😊
Thank you!!! I’ve been in good therapy for 2.5 years-a therapist who is doing inner child work with me, not just talking-I’ve had that kind of therapy on and off for years, but now I’m on the right path.
As I'm watching this video, I'm reflecting on the amount of courage, determination, self love and bravery it took for you Lisa to go through this journey and come back with jewels that you share with an open heart to all of us so freely 💖 🙏 Your giving spirit touches my soul 💕🦋🌷I have to admit seeing how far you've come with your recovery, and then choosing to guide us with these valuable lessons seems like such a long journey to take. ( I read and loved your book the road back to me 🌸) I wonder if you had frequent moments that it felt too hard or even discouraging and exhausting. I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel yet I'm ever ever so slowly changing for the better 🌸. It feels confusing sometimes. It makes me sad to see 7k views yet people not even giving a like or even an emoji for a comment. My hope is that humanity starts becoming kinder 🩷 I bow to the love and light that's absolutely in you lovely Lisa Namaste 🙏
How profound it is that severly abused children cry profusely and refuse to be taken away from their abusive parents. I remember as a kid I wanted to go to the hospital so I could experience someone taking care of me. The atmosphere you grow up in wires your brain. You will never be able to unwire it. You can adjust. You can heal some of it, but we are damaged forever. Forgiveness is a word I know I should be able to do, but it is foreign to me. "I can forgive all these people," for me is the same as, "I could be an astronaut." At 61 my biggest challenge now is regret. Instead of a default mental setting of remembering, acknowledging all the good things I've done and accomplished, my regrets are the first thoughts that come to mind.
SAME HERE!! I can only remember the bad times; forgiveness is something I will never do. They don’t deserve it. I just have to keep going and thrive. They are all dead now.And I am the one that my birth mother tried to kill before I was born & my older sibling strangled me and drugged me so he could rape me. My parents knew, drs knew. Only because I am disabled have I learned to rely on others.❤ Work in progress 🎉❤
Wow I have always been grateful for the great loving parents I had but listening to this I feel ever so much more grateful for my dear parents that have long time passed away and how they loved me and taught me that God loved me even more than they. You are right I always felt safe and loved at home and after parents died I still felt safe and loved by God.
Well ever since I was a kid I was taught to be independent and charge my own path. Then I joined the military. Now I just think I need help, because I'm a helper, over achiever, hyper vigilant. Yes both my parents were alcoholics. Whatever, they raised a good guy.
My childhood was hell! my stomach was constanly turning, i had out of body experience when my fahter beat me, to protect myself, the feeling to feel save i never experience, but in years i know why i react when i hear someone shouting in the street i say im save its not about me, im glad i broke the cirkel because i turnout never to be like them ,i made that promisse to myself when i was 89 years old, thanks Lisa , my real nam is mick steenkist
I'm not an achiever, I was a helper for most of my life but less and less now, I'm not anxious, I was a workaholic and can still be at times, I am very controlling, I have to do and make things done my way and only my way. I still have work to do on myself...
I kind of did run. I was lucky to have a childhood in a small town and could take my bike and ride all over town, out of the house. Thank you for this good description of symptoms of trauma and the causes. As an adult I had psychotherapy which helped a lot.
@@lisaaromano1 My childhood was stable, happy & safe I felt. My issues have developed from narcissist in laws who interfered in my relationship & caused the relationship to break down & I’m wrecked from this not from my childhood. How to fix this please?
Like a self-fulfilled prophesy, no matter how hard we try to break through or free from the trauma, we wear ourselves out and the trauma remains the winner.
You nailed it ❤… and the last personality type is “mother”… elderly now, a life-long a mega-control freak and the result? The family is irreparably obliterated… and I am the wounded oldest child, and a MH Professional. I have a wonderful tribe, a great therapist and I do my work, especially as a mother to my adult children… I also saw Me in the personality types… & I am definitely NOT the same p’type as my “mother”. I have an understanding of “ the why(s) now…. Thank you again Lisa!❤
I’m a a 32 year old woman now living with my mother….. the mental, emotional, and physiological reactions I have to her at times blow my mind. I am attempting to use this time in my life as an opportunity to heal….. and grow past this… and have a healthier relationship with myself and my partner and maybe with my mother as well! I’ve gone through a very challenging health problem, and that is why I have been living with her……. The health problem itself has given me PTSD… but I am determined to grow from this. I want to get to know myself more……. Through compassion for self, I feel like I can become closer to God/Source again……
Too many people never learned how to not be in a bad mood and more importantly not to take their moods out on people. I discovered this through real life experiences watching all the unessecarry griping and arguing and apologizing .Eventually one by one I learned not to argue, not to get mad or stay in a bad mood and to never take my moods out on others . Like the Golden Rule ❤
These are wise words. My entire family would take out their moods on those around. I’ve lost contact with most of them as I find it all too stressful. I want peace and harmony. Over time I managed to stop being reactive and argumentative. I stop, breath and think or if need be, I’ll excuse myself from the situation. The last time I was around my estranged family was at a family funeral a couple of years ago and I could feel myself being sucked into the toxic vortex. It was suffocating for the few hours that I was there. I wish everyone affected by childhood trauma peace and love.❤
I was waiting to hear about my personality type. A psychopath with a heart. Not once has anyone talked about the psychopath with empathy. Yet, here I am giving narcs the business. Trauma manifested and the response is thoroughly enjoying exposing narcissists
I am probably somewhat of a unique case. I was physically abused by my biological mom when I was 6 weeks old. I was taken from her and adopted by a couple who already had 2 boys. I lived with them until I got married. I have always considered them my family. They never physically abused me. They never neglected me. For all intense and purposes, they actually treated me very well physically. They were not alcoholics. They never fought. My dad was not an angry man. I never witnessed violence in the home. However, my mom was emotionally distant, and so was my dad. I could not talk to them about anything, or they acted like I was ignorant or silly. When I would defend myself, I was accused of being argumentative. I started having vertigo spells when I was 12, and everyone accused me of lying about it. I was finally diagnosed with vestibular migraines when I was around 24 or 25. Now, I am married with 2 babies. Things have not gotten better. They have with my parents, but my husband is worse than they ever were. He is not physically abusive, but he is controlling, and he calls me names like, "Dumba$$," "idiot" "retard." When I call him out on it he says, "If you did not do ABC then I would not have to call you xyz." He called my chronic migraines a mental illness. No one in my life even wants to listen because they do not want to get involved. I am emotionally all over the place. I am anxious all the time. I feel like a bad mom because both my kids are a lot right now, and because I am my husband's punching bag, sometimes I do not have enough to give them emotionally. I do not want them to grow up being like me.
Prayers for wisdom. Don't receive those words. Renounce and denounce every negative word spoken over you. Cover yourself and children with the armor of God. Plead the blood of Jesus and draw a bloodline around you and the children. In Jesus' name, 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏
The helper is a helper because he or she is trying to manage the emotional state of the parent (or caregiver) in the helper's attempt to keep safe. As the child is shocked (usually fearing death) its job next is trying to figure out how to survive in a helpless state. Taking care of the parent is ONE coping mechanism. Another is being invisible, i.e., some children don't cry after a while. The helper job is an effort to manage the parent's emotions or needs to reduce future abuse. (Thank you for your videos.)
It’s amazing how many mental health therapists do not understand this. My freeze response prevents me from processing grief and loss. Ever since I was a child raised by a mother with schizoeffective disorders and a father in denial about my brother’s antisocial behaviors I never learned how to express emotions. Misdiagnosed with major depression for past 30 years I am now making sense of a life with ADHD and Bipolar 2 disorder and a sensory processing impairment. I identify as neurodivergent because I don’t want to talk about my disorders and why I am immature for my age and have no friends. My mental health team thinks my anxiety and hypervigilince as paranoia. WHAT? 😮 Im NOT taking an antipsychotic. Are YOU crazy? It’s a shame how outsiders can control your narrative with a diagnosis. I do feel grateful for my diagnosis which has allowed me to be stable and work full time for the first time in many years. BUT gossip from leadership trickling down to my “team” has ruined my life. My impulsive behavior inhibited my mental filter and my mouth got me in trouble many times. People do not like me even now based on past behaviors. I’m still opinionated but I have more discernment about when to be silent and when to speak in a humble way. The Holy Spirit is working on me and giving me insight about how I contribute to my own suffering. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
This video has had the most profound effect on me, in a good way. I have cPTSD and I've been feeling so stuck. I feel that what you have said here will help me move forward. ♥
Lisa, Bless You from the bottom of my Heart ❤️ I've been confiding online and working on my recovery and anticipating the next toxic relationship to come into my life one after the other as they always have and did. I recently had chatted with someone and told her that I am cautious about letting people get close to me and I wanted to meet with her. We did that at a Wednesday night church service because we had both mentioned that we had witnessed the power that only God could have. And I have put away the shame of being molested by a scout leader as a child years ago and keeping it a secret for decades really took a toll on my life. And today this video is what I needed to see and hear. It's late on the east coast and please help me as I reach out to you in the near near future for the help recovering from my own childhood trauma. Good people like yourself Dr. Carter, Romney Tammy Joyce, and many others have been a blessing TTYL soon or your staff
Thank you for mentioning that we can cycle through many of these types depending on situations or people The current mental health field is all about classification of pathologies/people into deterministic slots, which feels rigid and permanent. I like your more humanistic view of these traits are adaptive “armor” we wear for the occasion it demands
Thank you for working on this subject. I am in the middle of all the issue. I've worked through this for 60 years. I've made some progress. I still sometimes sooth myself with food but I'm trying to deal without overeating. I can relate to many things you said. Thank you for helping me stand on my 2 feet!!
I was fortunate enough to have a training on the ACE study years ago and it truly opened my eyes much wider on childhood trauma and trauma in general. It has changed the way I deal with everyone, not just clients. It has also convinced me to look at and own the very real trauma in my own childhood and resulting character traits & behaviors. I don't believe we can be effective without being honest about ACE. & childhood trauma. Thanks
" had a moment to reflect on the dreadful place of life. All this time, believing that you were doing right. Trying to correct misdeeds you thought you caused in others. Only to be reminded by circumstance Saying sorry for things undone. Often as the lights dimmed and flickered. Never understanding what you did wrong. Feeling that wrath was a magnet for non repentance. Yet never questioning the experience or participants. Realizing that those who harmed you were the ones who failed you "
I'm a male with two older sisters, one of whom bullied, berated, and emotionally and mentally terrorized me severely during my entire childhood. As a result, I feel like my central nervous system was permanently damaged, and I've never felt completely "intact." While my sister treated me okay (but just "okay") as we became adults, I found I never fully trusted her or felt safe around her. She never apologized for how she treated me when I was young. My sister passed away a few years ago, and she omitted me from her will, something which I saw - and continue to see - as her final act of punishment to me. Needless to say, it's brought back all her abuse full-circle, and I feel even less intact than before. I continue to hope for healing and peace, but I'm not sure it's possible for such intense and longstanding internal pain. Nonetheless, thank you very much for your work here. It is extremely important.
There is also the tendensy to become a workaholic or perform grief work.Self isolating and becomming a loner is a side effect of being overly criticized. Being by yourself is safer than with someone else who could hurt you in some way.
Me too... could never be myself..sing, cry, or be upset as a child.."just suck it up". Was the "the helper" .. learned to never complain.. keep peace.. The video hits difficult spots
Well if you’re like me it’s because 1) it hits VERY close to home and 2) you’re finally being validated. Let go itself feel both of those. Processing the trauma is how we heal from it ❤
Dear Lisa, 'Guiding Light', thank you for your Clarity, Wisdom, Authenticity and your treasuring of Curiosity. So many questionings of mine are lifting away through foggy shadows and I sense a returning to that sweet little Inner Child who was so joyful and natural within my innocent Heart. Your true desire to share with us your Personal Experiences and Overcoming Strengths has opened so widely these Gates of Brilliant Possibility for us. May Blessings and Peace embrace your Wholeness now, plus your Sweet Compassion for each of us as well. Gwendolyn Marie (Carrizozo, New Mexico-USA)
I live in South Africa, we have so few psychologists in my city, one of the main cities in my country. We have more psychiatrists. I have been diagnosed by three specialist psychiatrists with borderline personality disorder finally, after being misdiagnosed with bipolar. It’s great for medication, but doesn’t help with the underlying issues. I now rely on the government for my medication, because I struggle to make enough money to see a professional. The psychologists are interns and I can find more help online. Struggling from 7 years old to now 32 years old, it’s a difficult road. Yes, I dealt with loads of childhood trauma.
What makes me wonder and feel bad about myself is how these brilliant people making videos like that got to this point. I admire them. She has been through such a hard childhood trauma and despite all of that ended up making these videos helping people. If I start thinking about myself I had to be traumatized as well but I can’t remember much about my childhood. I only know my mom was very cold person never showed us love but she took care about us. Long story short. I see lots of people having more trauma than I did being successful in their lives. I am everything but not successful. Only stuck in my life repeating things over and over again.
I am so pleased to find you. was raised by a narc mother. It was hell! Then I married a narc man. That to was hell. I am 76 now, very single and not wanting any friends in my life right now. I went to Alanon for over 50 years and that helped me see life from a different place. Now I am wondering what I would be like if I was not been surrounded with trama.I wish I could see her as I like who I am today.
What a brilliant video i could relate to all 5 when i look bk on my childhood i feel crap there was so much wrong in there.ive had lots of counselling,but still feel unhappy all the time ive suffered depression for yrs still do.thanx for informal talk.
These numbers of children that are still being traumatized here, in America, are just not acceptable. When will we, as a society, start valuing childhood as the most precious thing that it is. When will we see children as the most important resource that we have. I don’t understand. I am 65 and still trying to heal.
It's all around the world, not just America but probably the worst here because of our culture in part. But it's important to remember, as heartbreaking as it is, there are MORE good people and healthy children then there are abused ones. I never want to stop being aware of abused children and do what I can later to help as many as I can .... Or the wounded INNER children all over the country but MUST also have time feeling the joy of knowing there are so many now being rescued and healed by healers like Lisa R.
😢 I feel like I encompass a combo. of all five. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I've just started on my healing journey after living a perpetual trauma response for the last 40 years and your books and videos have been a life saver ❤
First time listener. Thank you for this video. So helpful. Very direct and to the point. Very easy to keep up and non triggering. This was very encouraging.
So true! You nailed it Lisa. Little by little I am coming home to myself. You're such a good coach on codependency. You have a knack of breaking it down to every single little step. This is a great quality . What a wonderful gift you are.😍🙏❤️💃
all of her videos ❤ (apart from the ones with fake stock footage. those videos are unwatchable... can just listen... but it's nice having her back on screen!)
I often wondered if the Myers Briggs personality type INFP and other similar types are the result of trauma. The other types seem more engaged in the world, however if one is a busy body, extrovert, well perhaps that's being stuck in flight and being a big doer, like overly. The world rewards these types more so it seems.
Thank you so much for such a crystal clear explanation of what trauma feels and looks like to a child. My truama never had a name or face until recently. I doubt what happened so often because I couldn't see things clearly. This is the hardest thing to reach clarity about when everyone around you is insisting that your world growing up was just fine, no real issues, that I am being paranoid and over exaggerating. I was lucky enough to live with my parents as a young adult so I got to see the reality of what our lives were like as children. Starting to understand the reality of dysfunction and instability, those hesitant steps we take diving deeply into that chasm called ourselves, and gradually seeing things as though peering from a row boat into a lake 60 feet deep where the water is so chrystal, clear, so void of any shadows or murkiness that you can see all the way to the bottom - to finally see your truth. All the muck and mire of our past wounds being slowly peeled away. Knowing I am not crazy and making things up helps a lot. Gives me the courage to keep moving forward, keep peeling (very painfully peeling, by the way. I liken it to the wound care a third degree burn victim goes thru where they peel all the dead, dying burnt skin off piece by piece). Knowing that by God's grace and having mentors like Lisa as a guiding light to shine on an ever so dark path - aallows me to see the person I was always meant to be emerging. Sometimes I turtle myself (head tucked back in it's shell - it feels safe) or revert back to being part of the ostrich family ( bury your head in the sand and it will either not be there or will magically disappear) because it is overwhelming at times, but the truth will always "out" itself.
I tried to unalive myself at 12. I thought me being gone would solve my parents marriage problem. I didnt think of childhood trauma until many decades later. My parents both affected my life and i honestly just buried. Now im trying to fight thru mental issues they help create and become a better person. Hard journey but im trying. Therapists are no help. One of them actually told me to tell myself i love you in the mirror. Yeh, im way beyond that working. So im trying to walk it off with your videos ❤
I remember awhile back, you started doing TH-cam videos Lisa, and you talked about PTSD, and everything you said resonated with me. I told my Pyschologist that I think I have PTSD, She advised me, no, I don’t have it, PTSD is for people who have witnessed or have come close to dead, get PTSD I stopped seeing her… Begin traumatised to me is , being constantly in a state of fear, confusion and feeling alone, have nowhere to go to feel safe, and being gaslighted, anxious and not knowing what kind of day today was going to be, over and over again ) to me, that is traumatic enough to be classified and going through PTSD. Unless I’m mixing PTSD with Trauma and being traumatised.
Your therapist is unaware of the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD (which is currently considered theoretical and isn’t yet listed in the DSM). Try differentiating and have them read up on CPTSD before you throw out the whole therapist!
@@MeloniousThunkthat's absurd, it's not our job to educate our therapist. It's their responsibility to know the current and evolving models. Continuing education is a huge part of their job.
I'm sorry you were treated that way. You did the right thing by dropping that therapist IMO. Have you watched the TED Talk video here on YT by DR Nadine Burke about ACE Scores, ongoing trauma and how it effects children. It's well worth the watch.
I feel so horrible for my friend who I cant help, though she's 19 now I knew her since she was 17, and her childhood was proper messed up. Since she's an online friend and also older than me, I couldn't do much to help, but Im glad she's still around
I was so frightened by my parents as a child that I found comfort in fantasizing about how I was going to end my life. I was 5 years old. I thought if I was dead I wouldn't be scared anymore and can leave this family for good. The only way in my 5 year old mind was to jump from my bedroom window which was only 20 feet up, and I couldn't open the window by myself. No one knew on the outside what hell went on. I then resorted to hiding in my closet. Scary to think that a 5 year old , (me)would contemplate suicide.
I'm the perfectionist. If I was perfect, I didn't get yelled at, criticized, or ridiculed by my family. This was no way for a child to grow up to always be afraid that the parental unit was going to find fault in me and tear me to shreds for being young and dumb and inexperienced. Then it happened in my marriage that I could not make a mistake because my ex would swoop down, and I'd never hear the end of it. Slowly, I am recovering from this crippling affliction that has rarely ever benefitted me. Thank you for this video, Lisa. Thank you for the validation. Hang in there, survivors. You're going to be okay.
I’ve definitely gone through all of those personality types that you described in this video. I’m so grateful that you’re sharing this work. I’ve been doing a lot of inner child healing over the last year or so. And I’ve started teaching about feelings and communication, because that was some thing that I struggled with being able to connect with, and to communicate with others, because of my childhood trauma. And I had trauma both in my family home and at school with peers and so I’m just so grateful that you’re sharing this with the world and thank you. I love you.
Thank you Ms. Romano for your insights. They explain so much for those of us who got off to a rocky start at a very young age, and who spend the rest of our lives getting over the first five or ten years.
😮 that too is my life. I felt as if you were there with me in my childhood trauma. This video i truly needed today, in this exact moment. Your video appeared and i felt drawn. Be well.
Hey Dear One, are you ready to BREAKTHROUGH? Check out my 12 Week Breakthrough Program! For a limited time we are offering it at 50% off www.lisaaromano.com/12-wbcp
I'm relating
Hi Lisa!
Your parents are/were narcissists, yes? You sure gave a true definition or narcissists off the cuff and I know it was was REALLY TOUGH growing up with not 1, but 2 of them!
You've been through hell and back. Such a strong young lady you are! 👏👏👏
Thank you for sharing😊
Wow, can trauma go away for good?
Lord knows I've got tons from my childhood.
What happens when you exhibit four of the five? I tend to have the first four? I try to keep my mind constantly going. Unusually through reading and learning. Anything that will keep my mind busy. I'm unable to physically keep myself on the go or I would. I'm also very much the helper. I love doing things and types of work that helps others, and I also try to keep the peace when put in those situations. I am also always waiting for the other shoe to drop with other people. I don't ever fully trust anyone on an emotional level. And lastly I like to be in control. I try to keep myself from responding in this way because I don't like it, but it's hard to let go of sometimes.
I've been diagnosed with an "organic personality disorder" but it was never fully explained to me. What "is" an organic personality disorder?
Several things happened in my 10th year of an alcoholic (Dad) and co-dependent (Mom); my Mom took my coin collection without asking and turned in the coins....at face value. I discovered the theft and my Mom acted like it was no big deal. I was Beatle crazy and had read that George had taught himself to play and my Mom told me disgustedly "Well that's George, YOU couldn't do it!" I was so desperate to get a guitar I fell for the "sell greeting cards and earn a guitar" ad in my comic books. When the cards arrived I excitedly told my Dad what I was going to do and he smirked at me and said "I don't think you've got what it takes". He didn't offer to buy some cards or go with me when I dejectedly tried selling door to door. We went to Disneyland in our station wagon, running on fumes and jelly sandwiches. I had to pee and my Dad didn't want to stop. He finally stopped at a gas station and was seething with anger. I was so afraid of him that I literally could not pee. I got back in the car and held it as long as I could. When I whispered to my Mom that I had to go again, my Dad backhanded me square in the face. I nearly passed out. By the time I was 11 I decided I was unlovable and no one could be trusted. I was not safe and anything could happen to me and my belongings at any time, for no reason. I was perfectly primed for intense bullying when we moved again and I had to be The New Kid in school for the 6th time. I've been sober for 37 years and taught myself to play guitar well enough to make a career of it. My parents are dead.
You made it!
@@192837lr Bloodied and alone, but unbowed.
Thank God
Classic 70's 😂
You’re not alone, keep moving forward.
I had a nightmare of a childhood. I am now 86 and have always had all 4 types. I have often wondered what kind of person l could have been with a normal childhood family.
Same!
Did it ever get better? Like any of it?
@joannedixion1281 To one Joanne to another --I think You are an amazing woman! The fact that we spell our name with an "E" at the end means Excellence!🎉. You're 86 yrs. old with a warrior spirit! I'm sure you have an infectious smile that lights up any room! 😊. Joanne, You are Amazing!🎉😊
I'm 61 and feel the same way. The new term for it is "ambiguous grief " . The loss you feel when your dreams are dead. I would add to that the knowledge that you didn't get to be your authentic self and be a happy, productive,healthy, human being.
Hugs to you. I am so sorry.
Im a helper. I always want to make sure everyone around me is happy..😢
I hope you break the cycle and put yourself first , I was like this till I pulled away and put myself first
you must be very tired ? , good luck to you @marniejane ❤
Being Hyper vigilant is exhausting.
Me too 💖🌹
A helper and aloner
My dad was an alcoholic. When i was young we would go down in my grandmas woods where alot of my dads friends would meet with their kids. Everyone would get drunk. Many times on the drive home my dad would drive very fast and say im going to end it all and would steer towards a very deep lake i would take the wheel and fight to keep the car on the road…i was 7 yrs old at the time. Eventually i stopped going with him to those parties. These memories and so many more traumatic experiences pop up still im 67. I think many of my personality traits were caused by all this like i hate confrontation, i have very low self esteem i get nervous in any new situations. Wish i could wash all that pain away.
Society as a whole is one big gaslit trauma experience.
agreed
At 63 yrs old, i still have those behaviors ingrained in me!!
I’m 64, in my 8th year of therapy. I still have nightmares. I called my dad in June for Father’s Day. He was very nice.
However, when I hung up my whole body was shaking!
I will be 65 in March. Had such trauma in childhood. Realized I had been sexually abused as an infant. Holy Spirit impressed upon me the Nightmares(horrific night terrors) of the dis-embodied hand that used to come & hurt me was not normal. Fear stalked me all of my life. Also abandonment issues. Relationship issues. I.V. Drugs & Alcohol abuse. Drove Tractor-Trailer “over-the-road” over 30 years, to isolate from people. Haven’t spoken to my family in over 15 yrs. Marriage is a mess. In 11 yrs. we lived under the same roof for a total of about 1 1/2 yrs. Still trying to get it together. My Pastor is counseling me, recently diagnosed me with Childhood Trauma & Identified the Sexual Abuse. Seem to be kinda going in & out of Positive Progress, sometimes I seem to be getting better, other times I isolate and beat myself up & just wanna throw in the towel. It’s exhausting… just wanna be Normal…
@@brookdyer6620 At 80, I can say that pages like this, that provide insights into our individual torments, or those of our loved ones, can be intercepted and understood, which breaks most of their power. I was lucky. I developed insight fifty years ago, which helped me to assist others to break free. We are a village, and never forget this. Fight on.
1-Achiever type
2-caretaker / helper type
3-Anxious type
4-Perfectionist type
5-Very controlling type
I’m actually all 5 Types.
I've cycled through most parts of all of them over 50yrs.... Still have some to work through.
Both my parents are narcissists and so is my sister. I married a narcissist and got divorced only to date more narcissistic men . I am a perfectionist, who always had put my family and others first. I knew deep something was wrong with me- well malfunctioning. I watched thousands of videos over the past 6 years and this resonated with me exactly. I have been isolating myself so I don’t attract toxic people but I am getting very strong and videos like this help so much!!! Thank you ❤❤❤
In that boat with you. I’m sorry. It’s tough. Hang in.
Same.
Yes I really agree with you these videos are really helpful
I wish I knew all of this before my kids were adults. 😢
I just recently realized I’ve been living in fight or flight mode all my life since I was 3
Same 😢 and it's become worse since having my son
@@Princess_Farah786 me too and I could never figure out what was wrong with me. Healthy people know and run like I have the plague. I just wonder what my life would have been like had my mom not brought a predator into my life & then abandonded me half the time and criticized everything about me the other half of the time. I am intelligent, was naturally fit in my younger days and before my world became constantly dangerous my natural tendency was to want to do things right. Had I not lost 20 iq points from physical abuse & rage & not lived in fight or flight mode that effects my motivation and organization like ADHD, and learned how to make healthy decisions instead of always choosing the wrong guy & struggling with addiction my life could have been so different. I guess recognition is the first step but its hard to know how to proceed when I am middle aged with disabling autoimmune disease & other health issues and knowing I passed my trauma dysregulation onto my son who passed it onto my grandchildren. Hang in there and be kind to yourselves!
Me too
Do you have other videos that breakdown each one of these trauma types and tell you the best way or Waze to work through them?
So many of us have ❤
At 57, i have found myself in "perfectionism paralysis" where I find it extremely difficult to start projects / tasks, etc, and if i do start, find it hard to finish. I learned in childhood that it was a lot less painful to be criticized for doing nothing, which I put zero effort into, than it was to put a ton of time and effort into something, trying desperately to get it perfect, only to have "dad" find the tiniest flaw (or make one up if he couldn't find one) and make it all about that. Nevermind the 99.9% that was good, I'm only going to hear about the little insignificant part that wasn't.
Do the inner work love yourself pull away from toxic people that should help you with your perfect ionism , your learn to love yoelf just the way you are
All i know about is to work and work myself to the bone and still feel have i ever done enough will i achieve ever achieve. Something worthy@Earthenergy100
That’s me!!
Example:
In 7th grade we received report cards using letter grades for the first time in our school experiences. I had earned all A’s and one A-. When I gave my card to my mom her first response was, “Why did you get a minus?” I was so devastated….
That’s me!!
Example:
In 7th grade we received report cards using letter grades for the first time in our school experiences. I had earned all A’s and one A-. When I gave my card to my mom her first response was, “Why did you get a minus?” I was so devastated….
@@maggieshort2402 So sorry to hear that 😢
At least YOU know now (and even back then) YOU did GRRR-eat!!!
Thank you for giving me AWARENESS of how early trauma made me into the person I am today.
We all have trauma, thats life! Thanks for helping us deal with it. I am not a believer of blaming it on other people. Our parents had trauma and so on. I believe 80% of people do the best they know how.
You should blame your parents and blame yourself. We must acknowledge our trauma for the sake of our children. The cycle must end.
You are right, Tracy. That is the key to redemption and to genuinely helping others.
"Wow, this video has truly opened my eyes to the trauma I’ve been carrying. I had a horrific childhood, and I’m on a journey to heal my mind, body, and spirit. Thank you for this insightful and deeply moving content-it’s helping me take the next steps in my healing process."
At 60 I can deal with flashbacks of my childhood trauma! Honestly it’s exhausting! Been used to, lied to and here. I go still offering to take care of whoever! I just have times I just shut down for a good 24 hours.
The best 23 minutes! Thank you for turning your lemons into lemonade with your life experiences. You are awesome!
She is so connected she speaks so perfectly 😢
She's speaking so many truths n its unbelievable she understands 🤧
Thank you
You have to be pretty smart to flow through all this without hesitation....it's impressive
Surpressing my emotions landed me into the hospital bleeding to death at 18. It started with a bad stomach ache. They ran every test on me and found nothing wrong. My doctor asked me if something was botheting me. I said yes but thought to myself yes my whole life. He told me i had to find my voice not hold it in and if i had to go yell at tree then do it. I found my voice and learned to process my emotions quickly. That was just the physical part. I also find that i can read people pretty good now.
GOOD DOCTOR! And good for you 😊
@@suziesmith2142 he was a great doctor, he really cared and yes I did go talk to a few trees.
Yes, well done. ❤❤
It’s kinda scary how much my life is like the one you describe growing up. My ex is a malignant narcissist. I can’t afford counseling, and never will be able to. Please, understand how much your videos have helped me. Suicide was looking like the best option for a while. He convinced everyone except one child that I was insane. Even my physician ( the penis club crap). I struggle daily with self worth. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I developed a very compassionate personality and soul because of childhood trauma. Mom was mentally ill and dad an alcoholic. I have turned the ill abuse into a genuine love for the abused and the abusers. It took me years to separate the concern for both sides into a healthy and balanced perspective but thru much research it’s all possible. Seek knock ask and you will find answers. Pray we all get the help needed. 🙏
I’m definitely a helper. I have some perfectionist tendencies as well. I became quite the violinist when I was a kid. I was trying to overachieve to get praise and recognition from my mother. I haven’t touched my violin in 20 years. 😞
I was the helper, perfectionist, violinist also.
I'm 59 and went back to my guitar. Feels weird and I suck at it but it's peaceful. I truly hope you pick that beautiful violin back up and make some lovely music again ❤
Same here.
Everyone experiences trauma. Forgiveness (not the same as forgetting or ignoring) is essential to healing.
I was orphaned by age 10. Mom passed, and a year and 2 days later my dad and my mother mother passed. So I didn't hear that trauma in the list. I'm a bit of a controlling person. But also I don't trust, I'm a loner, so many other things too. It's been a hard life but I did pick up a lot of street smarts, for I was running lose most my life. Ran away from many foster homes. I'm 65 now, and I did alright for myself. I also know that there was a whole lot more to me that never was able to come out. I could have been so much more, and i now I know I had a lot to offer others and myself, but it was all wasted, that is very hard to live with. To feel like it took you 58 years to start seeing and knowing things about yourself and all the things you could have been, but now you must just be ok with what you came to be. I go back and forth with that these thoughts. I know it wasn't my fault, but I also know I can't or shouldn't put too much thought into who's fault it was ! Rough life but I made it. Thanks for the video❤
I feel the same.
CONGRATULATIONS
God bless you
My life was similar to yours. Both parents passing, Ward Of the State (orphaned), home to home to home, or group home, etc.
My parents had 7 of us kids. My dad was an alcoholic and beat us and my mom.
Literally, I was scared to death of him.
I could go on and on and on, but I think you got the gist of it.
I'm not controlling, but more of a people pleaser.
I too, wish I had a “normal life”. I yearned for a mom, especially.
I also know that I could've been SO MUCH MORE. Wish I could turn back time and start all over. But, we both know that ain't happening!
I feel like a failure.
On that same note, we weren’t ACTUALLY raised by anyone. The different ppl that took me in, did it for the $$$, or other self-serving, nefarious reasons.
One of my favorite sayings is, “you don't know, what you don't know”.
I say this because, I was never “taught” the importance of school. Although I did graduate, nobody cared. They didn't care, so I didn't care.
I always took mediocre jobs and no aspiration for much more. Worked 2-3 jobs to support myself not knowing or understanding that there were better opportunities. Didn't know, didn't care, and partied a lot. I did know that much.
Idl the “victim” mentality and I don't blame them, because that's all they knew or were traumatized growing up, as well.
I just wish I know not, what I didn't know then.
God speed, sister😊
You're perfect the way you are, you got to believe in yourself.
Thank you!!! I’ve been in good therapy for 2.5 years-a therapist who is doing inner child work with me, not just talking-I’ve had that kind of therapy on and off for years, but now I’m on the right path.
As I'm watching this video, I'm reflecting on the amount of courage, determination, self love and bravery it took for you Lisa to go through this journey and come back with jewels that you share with an open heart to all of us so freely 💖 🙏
Your giving spirit touches my soul 💕🦋🌷I have to admit seeing how far you've come with your recovery, and then choosing to guide us with these valuable lessons seems like such a long journey to take. ( I read and loved your book the road back to me 🌸) I wonder if you had frequent moments that it felt too hard or even discouraging and exhausting. I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel yet I'm ever ever so slowly changing for the better 🌸. It feels confusing sometimes.
It makes me sad to see 7k views yet people not even giving a like or even an emoji for a comment. My hope is that humanity starts becoming kinder 🩷
I bow to the love and light that's absolutely in you lovely Lisa Namaste 🙏
That was a beautiful read. What a kind soul you are.
How profound it is that severly abused children cry profusely and refuse to be taken away from their abusive parents. I remember as a kid I wanted to go to the hospital so I could experience someone taking care of me.
The atmosphere you grow up in wires your brain. You will never be able to unwire it. You can adjust. You can heal some of it, but we are damaged forever.
Forgiveness is a word I know I should be able to do, but it is foreign to me. "I can forgive all these people," for me is the same as, "I could be an astronaut."
At 61 my biggest challenge now is regret. Instead of a default mental setting of remembering, acknowledging all the good things I've done and accomplished, my regrets are the first thoughts that come to mind.
SAME HERE!!
I can only remember the bad times; forgiveness is something I will never do. They don’t deserve it.
I just have to keep going and thrive. They are all dead now.And I am the one that my birth mother tried to kill before I was born & my older sibling strangled me and drugged me so he could rape me. My parents knew, drs knew.
Only because I am disabled have I learned to rely on others.❤
Work in progress 🎉❤
Wow I have always been grateful for the great loving parents I had but listening to this I feel ever so much more grateful for my dear parents that have long time passed away and how they loved me and taught me that God loved me even more than they. You are right I always felt safe and loved at home and after parents died I still felt safe and loved by God.
Well ever since I was a kid I was taught to be independent and charge my own path. Then I joined the military. Now I just think I need help, because I'm a helper, over achiever, hyper vigilant. Yes both my parents were alcoholics. Whatever, they raised a good guy.
At 63 yrs old, Zi still have those behaviors ingrained in me!!
Your father had terrible trauma too ! Some passed on to you
My childhood was hell! my stomach was constanly turning, i had out of body experience when my fahter beat me, to protect myself, the feeling to feel save i never experience, but in years i know why i react when i hear someone shouting in the street i say im save its not about me, im glad i broke the cirkel because i turnout never to be like them ,i made that promisse to myself when i was 89 years old, thanks Lisa , my real nam is mick steenkist
I'm not an achiever, I was a helper for most of my life but less and less now, I'm not anxious, I was a workaholic and can still be at times, I am very controlling, I have to do and make things done my way and only my way. I still have work to do on myself...
I felt like I've cycled through all of this. I refused to complain about my childhood because it could have been worse.
Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean you aren’t VALID in feeling upset about what DID happen. ❤
That is what good resilience looks like, not everyone has that ability. You remarks are a bit dismissive to those who suffer.
I am sure it could have been a lot better too . try not to minimize the impact this has had on you . best regards .
All about Balance.... Not being in denial and yet taking long breaks from the inner work sometimes and not so focused on it .
My brother said “ others have had it worse “ but it’s all relative.
I kind of did run. I was lucky to have a childhood in a small town and could take my bike and ride all over town, out of the house. Thank you for this good description of symptoms of trauma and the causes. As an adult I had psychotherapy which helped a lot.
Thank you for helping me so much. I've had plenty of therapists who just really didn't understand trauma.
Happy to help!
@@lisaaromano1
My childhood was stable, happy & safe I felt.
My issues have developed from narcissist in laws who interfered in my relationship & caused the relationship to break down & I’m wrecked from this not from my childhood.
How to fix this please?
I think the end result is we find ourselves overextended and overwhelmed, and heavily stacked emotionally
Like a self-fulfilled prophesy, no matter how hard we try to break through or free from the trauma, we wear ourselves out and the trauma remains the winner.
You nailed it ❤… and the last personality type is “mother”… elderly now, a life-long a mega-control freak and the result? The family is irreparably obliterated… and I am the wounded oldest child, and a MH Professional. I have a wonderful tribe, a great therapist and I do my work, especially as a mother to my adult children… I also saw Me in the personality types… & I am definitely NOT the same p’type as my “mother”. I have an understanding of “ the why(s) now…. Thank you again Lisa!❤
I’m a a 32 year old woman now living with my mother….. the mental, emotional, and physiological reactions I have to her at times blow my mind. I am attempting to use this time in my life as an opportunity to heal….. and grow past this… and have a healthier relationship with myself and my partner and maybe with my mother as well! I’ve gone through a very challenging health problem, and that is why I have been living with her……. The health problem itself has given me PTSD… but I am determined to grow from this. I want to get to know myself more……. Through compassion for self, I feel like I can become closer to God/Source again……
You are on the right path. Getting closer to God/Source is Priceless...
I will pray for you and your journey closer to God.❤
Too many people never learned how to not be in a bad mood and more importantly not to take their moods out on people. I discovered this through real life experiences watching all the unessecarry griping and arguing and apologizing .Eventually one by one I learned not to argue, not to get mad or stay in a bad mood and to never take my moods out on others . Like the Golden Rule ❤
These are wise words. My entire family would take out their moods on those around. I’ve lost contact with most of them as I find it all too stressful. I want peace and harmony. Over time I managed to stop being reactive and argumentative. I stop, breath and think or if need be, I’ll excuse myself from the situation.
The last time I was around my estranged family was at a family funeral a couple of years ago and I could feel myself being sucked into the toxic vortex. It was suffocating for the few hours that I was there.
I wish everyone affected by childhood trauma peace and love.❤
I was waiting to hear about my personality type. A psychopath with a heart. Not once has anyone talked about the psychopath with empathy. Yet, here I am giving narcs the business. Trauma manifested and the response is thoroughly enjoying exposing narcissists
I am probably somewhat of a unique case. I was physically abused by my biological mom when I was 6 weeks old. I was taken from her and adopted by a couple who already had 2 boys. I lived with them until I got married. I have always considered them my family. They never physically abused me. They never neglected me. For all intense and purposes, they actually treated me very well physically. They were not alcoholics. They never fought. My dad was not an angry man. I never witnessed violence in the home. However, my mom was emotionally distant, and so was my dad. I could not talk to them about anything, or they acted like I was ignorant or silly. When I would defend myself, I was accused of being argumentative. I started having vertigo spells when I was 12, and everyone accused me of lying about it. I was finally diagnosed with vestibular migraines when I was around 24 or 25. Now, I am married with 2 babies. Things have not gotten better. They have with my parents, but my husband is worse than they ever were. He is not physically abusive, but he is controlling, and he calls me names like, "Dumba$$," "idiot" "retard." When I call him out on it he says, "If you did not do ABC then I would not have to call you xyz." He called my chronic migraines a mental illness. No one in my life even wants to listen because they do not want to get involved. I am emotionally all over the place. I am anxious all the time. I feel like a bad mom because both my kids are a lot right now, and because I am my husband's punching bag, sometimes I do not have enough to give them emotionally. I do not want them to grow up being like me.
You poorgirl
Don't stay there. Why would you stay with someone who treats you so badly ? You deserve a better life.
Prayers for wisdom. Don't receive those words. Renounce and denounce every negative word spoken over you. Cover yourself and children with the armor of God. Plead the blood of Jesus and draw a bloodline around you and the children. In Jesus' name, 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏
The helper is a helper because he or she is trying to manage the emotional state of the parent (or caregiver) in the helper's attempt to keep safe. As the child is shocked (usually fearing death) its job next is trying to figure out how to survive in a helpless state. Taking care of the parent is ONE coping mechanism. Another is being invisible, i.e., some children don't cry after a while. The helper job is an effort to manage the parent's emotions or needs to reduce future abuse. (Thank you for your videos.)
The way you explain these difficult topics Lisa is captivating. You are truly amazing. Love Billy from Oz.
It’s amazing how many mental health therapists do not understand this. My freeze response prevents me from processing grief and loss. Ever since I was a child raised by a mother with schizoeffective disorders and a father in denial about my brother’s antisocial behaviors I never learned how to express emotions. Misdiagnosed with major depression for past 30 years I am now making sense of a life with ADHD and Bipolar 2 disorder and a sensory processing impairment. I identify as neurodivergent because I don’t want to talk about my disorders and why I am immature for my age and have no friends. My mental health team thinks my anxiety and hypervigilince as paranoia. WHAT? 😮 Im NOT taking an antipsychotic. Are YOU crazy? It’s a shame how outsiders can control your narrative with a diagnosis. I do feel grateful for my diagnosis which has allowed me to be stable and work full time for the first time in many years. BUT gossip from leadership trickling down to my “team” has ruined my life. My impulsive behavior inhibited my mental filter and my mouth got me in trouble many times. People do not like me even now based on past behaviors. I’m still opinionated but I have more discernment about when to be silent and when to speak in a humble way. The Holy Spirit is working on me and giving me insight about how I contribute to my own suffering. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
This video has had the most profound effect on me, in a good way. I have cPTSD and I've been feeling so stuck. I feel that what you have said here will help me move forward. ♥
Amazing!😊
Lisa, Bless You from the bottom of my Heart ❤️ I've been confiding online and working on my recovery and anticipating the next toxic relationship to come into my life one after the other as they always have and did. I recently had chatted with someone and told her that I am cautious about letting people get close to me and I wanted to meet with her. We did that at a Wednesday night church service because we had both mentioned that we had witnessed the power that only God could have. And I have put away the shame of being molested by a scout leader as a child years ago and keeping it a secret for decades really took a toll on my life. And today this video is what I needed to see and hear. It's late on the east coast and please help me as I reach out to you in the near near future for the help recovering from my own childhood trauma. Good people like yourself Dr. Carter, Romney Tammy Joyce, and many others have been a blessing TTYL soon or your staff
What's crazy is when your parent is a drunk the whole family is drunk without drinking a drop 😢
Thank you for mentioning that we can cycle through many of these types depending on situations or people
The current mental health field is all about classification of pathologies/people into deterministic slots, which feels rigid and permanent.
I like your more humanistic view of these traits are adaptive “armor” we wear for the occasion it demands
Thank you for working on this subject. I am in the middle of all the issue. I've worked through this for 60 years. I've made some progress. I still sometimes sooth myself with food but I'm trying to deal without overeating.
I can relate to many things you said. Thank you for helping me stand on my 2 feet!!
I feel like all of these apply to my personality depending on the situation. This video is very insightful! Thank you! 💜
You're so welcome!
I have followed you for atleast 10 years. I learn from you can't thank you enough
I was fortunate enough to have a training on the ACE study years ago and it truly opened my eyes much wider on childhood trauma and trauma in general. It has changed the way I deal with everyone, not just clients. It has also convinced me to look at and own the very real trauma in my own childhood and resulting character traits & behaviors. I don't believe we can be effective without being honest about ACE. & childhood trauma. Thanks
" had a moment to reflect on the dreadful place of life. All this time, believing that you were doing right. Trying to correct misdeeds you thought you caused in others. Only to be reminded by circumstance
Saying sorry for things undone. Often as the lights dimmed and flickered.
Never understanding what you did wrong. Feeling that wrath was a magnet for non repentance. Yet never questioning the experience or participants. Realizing that those who harmed you were the ones who failed you "
I'm a male with two older sisters, one of whom bullied, berated, and emotionally and mentally terrorized me severely during my entire childhood. As a result, I feel like my central nervous system was permanently damaged, and I've never felt completely "intact."
While my sister treated me okay (but just "okay") as we became adults, I found I never fully trusted her or felt safe around her. She never apologized for how she treated me when I was young.
My sister passed away a few years ago, and she omitted me from her will, something which I saw - and continue to see - as her final act of punishment to me.
Needless to say, it's brought back all her abuse full-circle, and I feel even less intact than before.
I continue to hope for healing and peace, but I'm not sure it's possible for such intense and longstanding internal pain.
Nonetheless, thank you very much for your work here. It is extremely important.
Youre telling my story.
There is also the tendensy to become a workaholic or perform grief work.Self isolating and becomming a loner is a side effect of being overly criticized. Being by yourself is safer than with someone else who could hurt you in some way.
Why do I cry during these videos?
Because it resonates❤️
Me too... could never be myself..sing, cry, or be upset as a child.."just suck it up". Was the "the helper" .. learned to never complain.. keep peace..
The video hits difficult spots
@@redonionsyummy Your feelings matter. You have the right to "feel" them.
Finally being understood
Well if you’re like me it’s because 1) it hits VERY close to home and 2) you’re finally being validated. Let go itself feel both of those. Processing the trauma is how we heal from it ❤
I also memorized number plates as a kid still do a little bit, I constantly rearrange furniture and clean now, that's calming
Dear Lisa, 'Guiding Light', thank you for your Clarity, Wisdom, Authenticity and your treasuring of Curiosity.
So many questionings of mine are lifting away through foggy shadows and I sense a returning to that
sweet little Inner Child who was so joyful and natural within my innocent Heart. Your true desire to share
with us your Personal Experiences and Overcoming Strengths has opened so widely these Gates of
Brilliant Possibility for us. May Blessings and Peace embrace your Wholeness now, plus your Sweet
Compassion for each of us as well. Gwendolyn Marie (Carrizozo, New Mexico-USA)
i am so angry to have had a toxic narcissistic mother.
My siblings are all messed up.
I live in South Africa, we have so few psychologists in my city, one of the main cities in my country. We have more psychiatrists. I have been diagnosed by three specialist psychiatrists with borderline personality disorder finally, after being misdiagnosed with bipolar. It’s great for medication, but doesn’t help with the underlying issues. I now rely on the government for my medication, because I struggle to make enough money to see a professional. The psychologists are interns and I can find more help online. Struggling from 7 years old to now 32 years old, it’s a difficult road. Yes, I dealt with loads of childhood trauma.
What makes me wonder and feel bad about myself is how these brilliant people making videos like that got to this point. I admire them. She has been through such a hard childhood trauma and despite all of that ended up making these videos helping people.
If I start thinking about myself I had to be traumatized as well but I can’t remember much about my childhood. I only know my mom was very cold person never showed us love but she took care about us.
Long story short. I see lots of people having more trauma than I did being successful in their lives. I am everything but not successful. Only stuck in my life repeating things over and over again.
You let me know I can heal ❤ and I’m healing! I love you Soul Sister Starseed.
I am so pleased to find you. was raised by a narc mother. It was hell! Then I married a narc man. That to was hell. I am 76 now, very single and not wanting any friends in my life right now. I went to Alanon for over 50 years and that helped me see life from a different place. Now I am wondering what I would be like if I was not been surrounded with trama.I wish I could see her as I like who I am today.
You are 10000% spot on.
I agree with everything that is being said is true, I also believe that we are not what happened to us, we are what we choose to become.
What a brilliant video i could relate to all 5 when i look bk on my childhood i feel crap there was so much wrong in there.ive had lots of counselling,but still feel unhappy all the time ive suffered depression for yrs still do.thanx for informal talk.
Your videos are hugely helpful Lisa - thank you so much
thank You Thank You Thank You.
These numbers of children that are still being traumatized here, in America, are just not acceptable. When will we, as a society, start valuing childhood as the most precious thing that it is. When will we see children as the most important resource that we have. I don’t understand. I am 65 and still trying to heal.
Settle down.
It's all around the world, not just America but probably the worst here because of our culture in part.
But it's important to remember, as heartbreaking as it is, there are MORE good people and healthy children then there are abused ones.
I never want to stop being aware of abused children and do what I can later to help as many as I can .... Or the wounded INNER children all over the country but MUST also have time feeling the joy of knowing there are so many now being rescued and healed by healers like Lisa R.
Worst in blue states.
@@Erick-di9gm not true. I was traumatized in a red state. Evangelical narcissists are the worst.
@@ayla4686 oh but we’re a Christian nation don’t you see?
Thank you for your inspirational words and support for your viewers ❤
THIS WAS AWESOME! I wish all students could watch this video, and as a mandatory, required course in high school.
😢 I feel like I encompass a combo. of all five. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I've just started on my healing journey after living a perpetual trauma response for the last 40 years and your books and videos have been a life saver ❤
I'm curious as to how - or if - the Meyers-Briggs personality types correlate to the various kinds of childhood trauma.
First time listener. Thank you for this video. So helpful. Very direct and to the point. Very easy to keep up and non triggering. This was very encouraging.
Gone no contact to Narc family. It takes time but it is one step at the time.
So true! You nailed it Lisa. Little by little I am coming home to myself. You're such a good coach on codependency. You have a knack of breaking it down to every single little step. This is a great quality . What a wonderful gift you are.😍🙏❤️💃
Seriously, the best 23 minutes I have ever spent. Chock full and every bit resonated. Thank you and God bless you!
Good job Lisa…
Keep doing what you’re doing. Your strength and transparency shines through this video.
Thank you so much!
all of her videos ❤ (apart from the ones with fake stock footage. those videos are unwatchable... can just listen... but it's nice having her back on screen!)
I often wondered if the Myers Briggs personality type INFP and other similar types are the result of trauma. The other types seem more engaged in the world, however if one is a busy body, extrovert, well perhaps that's being stuck in flight and being a big doer, like overly. The world rewards these types more so it seems.
Wow! This is so good! It’s like watching a movie about myself…
Thank you so much for such a crystal clear explanation of what trauma feels and looks like to a child. My truama never had a name or face until recently. I doubt what happened so often because I couldn't see things clearly. This is the hardest thing to reach clarity about when everyone around you is insisting that your world growing up was just fine, no real issues, that I am being paranoid and over exaggerating. I was lucky enough to live with my parents as a young adult so I got to see the reality of what our lives were like as children.
Starting to understand the reality of dysfunction and instability, those hesitant steps we take diving deeply into that chasm called ourselves, and gradually seeing things as though peering from a row boat into a lake 60 feet deep where the water is so chrystal, clear, so void of any shadows or murkiness that you can see all the way to the bottom - to finally see your truth. All the muck and mire of our past wounds being slowly peeled away.
Knowing I am not crazy and making things up helps a lot. Gives me the courage to keep moving forward, keep peeling (very painfully peeling, by the way. I liken it to the wound care a third degree burn victim goes thru where they peel all the dead, dying burnt skin off piece by piece). Knowing that by God's grace and having mentors like Lisa as a guiding light to shine on an ever so dark path - aallows me to see the person I was always meant to be emerging. Sometimes I turtle myself (head tucked back in it's shell - it feels safe) or revert back to being part of the ostrich family ( bury your head in the sand and it will either not be there or will magically disappear) because it is overwhelming at times, but the truth will always "out" itself.
Thank you ever so much. I've never cried before listening to any coach. You have moved me touched me very deeply ❤
I tried to unalive myself at 12. I thought me being gone would solve my parents marriage problem. I didnt think of childhood trauma until many decades later. My parents both affected my life and i honestly just buried. Now im trying to fight thru mental issues they help create and become a better person. Hard journey but im trying. Therapists are no help. One of them actually told me to tell myself i love you in the mirror. Yeh, im way beyond that working. So im trying to walk it off with your videos ❤
@@vjdrive1230 it’s an honor to have you here!
I remember awhile back, you started doing TH-cam videos Lisa, and you talked about PTSD, and everything you said resonated with me.
I told my Pyschologist that I think I have PTSD,
She advised me, no, I don’t have it, PTSD is for people who have witnessed or have come close to dead, get PTSD
I stopped seeing her…
Begin traumatised to me is , being constantly in a state of fear, confusion and feeling alone, have nowhere to go to feel safe, and being gaslighted, anxious and not knowing what kind of day today was going to be, over and over again ) to me, that is traumatic enough to be classified and going through PTSD.
Unless I’m mixing PTSD with Trauma and being traumatised.
Your therapist is unaware of the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD (which is currently considered theoretical and isn’t yet listed in the DSM). Try differentiating and have them read up on CPTSD before you throw out the whole therapist!
@@MeloniousThunkthat's absurd, it's not our job to educate our therapist. It's their responsibility to know the current and evolving models. Continuing education is a huge part of their job.
I'm sorry you were treated that way. You did the right thing by dropping that therapist IMO. Have you watched the TED Talk video here on YT by DR Nadine Burke about ACE Scores, ongoing trauma and how it effects children. It's well worth the watch.
I was "stuck" till aged 19. Looking back I cannot believe how I survived so long.
I feel so horrible for my friend who I cant help, though she's 19 now I knew her since she was 17, and her childhood was proper messed up. Since she's an online friend and also older than me, I couldn't do much to help, but Im glad she's still around
Rejection is killer. I had workaholism & now I can't just go back to work. My 'controller' is broken.
I was so frightened by my parents as a child that I found comfort in fantasizing about how I was going to end my life. I was 5 years old. I thought if I was dead I wouldn't be scared anymore and can leave this family for good. The only way in my 5 year old mind was to jump from my bedroom window which was only 20 feet up, and I couldn't open the window by myself. No one knew on the outside what hell went on. I then resorted to hiding in my closet. Scary to think that a 5 year old , (me)would contemplate suicide.
I'm the perfectionist. If I was perfect, I didn't get yelled at, criticized, or ridiculed by my family. This was no way for a child to grow up to always be afraid that the parental unit was going to find fault in me and tear me to shreds for being young and dumb and inexperienced. Then it happened in my marriage that I could not make a mistake because my ex would swoop down, and I'd never hear the end of it.
Slowly, I am recovering from this crippling affliction that has rarely ever benefitted me.
Thank you for this video, Lisa. Thank you for the validation. Hang in there, survivors. You're going to be okay.
I’ve definitely gone through all of those personality types that you described in this video. I’m so grateful that you’re sharing this work. I’ve been doing a lot of inner child healing over the last year or so. And I’ve started teaching about feelings and communication, because that was some thing that I struggled with being able to connect with, and to communicate with others, because of my childhood trauma. And I had trauma both in my family home and at school with peers and so I’m just so grateful that you’re sharing this with the world and thank you. I love you.
Let us shine our lights!
Thank you Ms. Romano for your insights. They explain so much for those of us who got off to a rocky start at a very young age, and who spend the rest of our lives getting over the first five or ten years.
My first time to watch you. Your life was my life as a child….
I agree with you sister 101% percent raised by a Narcissistic Alcoholic Grandmother and Father and an Enabler mother k! More Power! Godbless sister! K
I am sorry you suffered❤. You are gift ed.
Thanks to help us by giving light and names to these trauma responses and their impact on personalities. I have been suffering with a mix of all. 💔
❤thank you for helping me understand and accept ❤
Thank you lisa... fight flight or frozen
You are describing me to a T- Trauma! Thank you for validating me! 😢
😮 that too is my life. I felt as if you were there with me in my childhood trauma. This video i truly needed today, in this exact moment. Your video appeared and i felt drawn. Be well.
Im the perfectionist and it caught up to me causing years or burnout and fatigue
A BILLION THANK YOU’S TO YOU YOUR VIDEO HAS HELPED TREMENDOUSLY