I dated a DA. He shut down NYE after I had sent a text message asking him what our plans were for the evening. I was upset, my tone was angry and hurt because I was always “the planner”. I felt like if he really loved me, which he said he did, he had a strange way of showing it. Anyway, he shut down, didn’t hear anything from him for 6 days. I was hurt that he didn’t make an effort to be with me for NYE. 3 months later we discussed what happened. I expressed how hurt I was and how he broke my heart. He said he thought I broke my own heart. No remorse, no apology, no empathy for me. It was all about how everything made him feel. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t care about my feelings and has no respect for me. I’m done
As a secure, I do wish I had followed these steps more often in my relationship with my DA. All of this sounds great on paper but hard to implement when the key to resolving any issue requires communication. From my experience, even this approach may not yield any positive results for the relationship unless the DA is working on him/herself. With that said, it's still important to put into practice.
Yes, DA’s are often not willing to come back and discuss anything. Her advice regarding navigating relationships with insecure people is often not effective. The best thing to do, is move on and find someone with a healthy secure attachment style.
yeah, I think the key is that it's important to put into practice for your sake (as the secure person). Moving on without actually communicating is just an avoidant behavior, whereas trying to communicate allows you to leave the situation (if needed) knowing that you did what you could. Deadlines are also super important in situations where the other person is not showing up, so you don't waste too much of your time.
@@skwerl81 that is the point: to communicate for yourself, so you are clear about where you stand. You are so right. That's what I didn't do. And now I don't know if we could have worked it out or not. And I feel like I messed it up - even though he messed up a lot.
Amen. I'm a recovering FA, but I did try to compromise and set boundaries w/ my DA and I just continued to get stonewalled. Thais has said it in plenty of videos, but the the caveats to trying to work with them are that they're working on themselves, and that if they refuse to communicate/work with you, you have to be ready to move on. Agree that it's important to try these steps though, so at least you know you tried.
@@wf4983 That's a rough situation, but I'm sure you had your reasons at the time! Like you said, it's not always easy in the moment... and it sounds like at least you can walk away with some lessons for next time? Always takes 2 people to tango lol, so remember to be compassionate with yourself and not take too much of the blame
It's OK to recognize that you also have the option not to continue to try to extract time from someone who doesn't want to give it to you. You have the choice to match energy and investment in any situation. The relationship will likely fall apart matching an unhealed DA's energy but that's OK, too. You can leave with your self-esteem intact and not feel like you had to compromise everything you had to bargain for time you'd prefer that someone wanted to spend with you because it's you. Imagine what it'd be like to be with someone who saw your value and worth without you having to spell out what your bare minimum expectations and the basics of relationships are because it wasn't modeled to them in childhood. These weren't modeled to a lot of us in childhood which gives anyone with an insecure attachment style the option to seek out this modeling in adulthood. Imagine how good it would feel to connect with someone who's matching your energy and investment. Now, that's exciting and peaceful at the same time - experiencing a reciprocity that's already baked into the connection as a standard and not merely an option.
You just summarized why had to break it off with the DA. I'm secure btw. I wasn't being given the same time or investment. Energy wasn't evenly or closely over time matched. I was in tuned to their needs. As time wore on he starved our relationship. I did appreciate their minimal attempts. Lack of reciprocity & his selfish lack of empathy. I had showed up in every way. Sadly they don't have the capacity if not doing the work.
@@hibiscushoney3759I don't believe they do and everyone with an insecure attachment style has had childhood trauma. That's not a lifelong excuse for only DAs while every other attachment style is expected to put in the work and be accountable for two. It may hurt to let them go but they're often never really there in the first place. So, we're essentially just recognizing that. Congratulations on choosing you! I'm heartened to hear you see your own value and aren't settling for breadcrumbs and far less than what you have to offer.❤
@steffiekensley8743 thank you ❤️ it hurts, but you are right. They were never fully invested. I feel bad for the girls or women he is able to trauma bond & wrap up in his inner wounds he will project. All while them not being aware of the dismissive avoidant tendencies or the devalue discard stage they do like narcissists. I just caught it right at devalue stage. Broke it off he turned it around as if he broke it off then set rules. I walked. He ignored mine repeatedly.
Also as a secure person I have to say, without judgement at all, that for me it is highly unlikely that I get into a relationship with a dismissive avoidant in the first place. I never got into a relationship with one since when I go on dates and I sense that someone is a bit colder, takes long to respond and does not talk about their inner experience after a while I just never really further pursue it. So I think me and other securely attached folks wouldn’t find themselves in this position that quickly. Again without judgement, I know how difficult and painful relationships can be for DA’s! I just don’t feel myself gravitate towards them at all. Fellow secures; what about you?
@@craigculford4963 no I don’t necessarily think that’s true. First because everyone is a mix of things, someone who is secure might have some other larger secondary attachment style. Lets say they are 70% secure and 30% anxious. Also, they can meet a DA that has a bit of security and even though they struggle they are empathetic and willing to work on things slowly. One of my friends is married to a more avoidant man; she is secure, and he is more avoidant, but they worked it out together and even though he found it difficult to open up he was still empathetic towards her emotions and feelings so :)
Yup. After recently going from avoidant to secure, I realized that secure people aren’t affected by the initial love bombing stage followed by the internal confusion of the hot and cold bids/affection/hard shutdowns. Secures have a steady and reasonable outward flow of intimacy as the relationship progresses - it isn’t hindered by the behaviour of the other person. While they’re experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions in the beginning stages, we’re stable enough to interpret that for what it is - instability. And to us secures, the incompatibility reveals itself. This is what being secure means! Coming from a calm place of love rather than erratic controlling behaviours, and knowing when you can’t change the other person regardless of how good of a communicator you are - because that’s just the way they’ll be until they come to such realizations. Cheers!
Again the best way to deal with them is not at all I was in a relationship or whatever you would call it for 2 years thinking it would get better and it was a mess. I'm secure but I would get triggered because of things he would do.I have a lot of empathy I understand them but I found out that I was putting my mental health and my health in jeopardy so I deactivated and left.If they don't make any effort and don't realize that they are the elephant in the room you must leave them alone because they don't have a problem being alone wr all deserve better.
Same 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 long enough with a D.A. will traumatize a secure and make them anxious leaning. Emotional withholding is one of, if not *the most*, noxious forms of emotional abuse because it can be so subtle
I agree with the comment above by “E V”. These are wonderful tools, and yet, I’ve found a pattern with DA’s that their partners are often the ones putting effort-so much more effort-to learn about attachment styles, healthy relationship patterns, and investing more into a DA to “parent them” by explaining these more healthier strategies. They become the “healthy parent they never had” by proxy. I believe that’s why Dr. Levine proposed the idea that even Securely Attached would feel like they’re carrying the weight in a relationship with a DA. When DAs choose to do the work to heal, it becomes a beautiful thing. It’s about both working on their attachment styles and/or wounds, as individuals and together. Because now the DA is not placing the onus of change on their external environment to change to meet them at their specific baseline.
@@H36662 I disagree. AP & FAs are working with a lot of love to give…they just don’t reserve any for self-love or considering self. DAs fundamentally push, deflect, and hyper focus on their autonomy that they lack the building blocks to build closeness. It’s starting with a deficit. And why I see FAs and APs more often putting the work in. I celebrate the rare chance DAs are willing to heal their attachment style and stick to it.
@@lianavibes APs and FAs are as emotionally unavailable as DAs. It just presents very difficult. Despite frequent social media portrayals to the contrary (never by licensed professionals) DA isn't the lesser insecure attachment. But FAs and APs inability to recognise that is a key component of how their emotional inability presents.
@@H36662 I believe you’re getting lost in semantics. To generalize, insecure attachments present the extreme of push-pull relationships. The work is to get to homeostasis/equilibrium. However, more FAs and APs tend to look to every resource to save their relationship. While DAs do not. THAT is point. Lastly, have you personally been affected by a DA? And how many times? This context is important.
I'm using this video in real time so thank you for the spot-on timing. ;) My DA boyfriend is upset about some personal/family/work issues and also is saying to me "you're always mad at me". (I'm displeased about certain specific behaviors like lies or omissions to avoid conflict and have expressed this but I'm uncertain if he is grasping why this is not ok). He's curled up in a dark room while I eat dinner alone. I told him I'm going to eat dinner and he said he's in a bad place. I told him "it's ok and I'll see you when you feel better...but I'm going to eat". FYI, in the past, I would probably freak out and hound him until he joined me for dinner and a discussion. I'm not taking this one personally tonight and feeling pretty calm about the situation.
He sounds very emotionally manipulative. I’m glad you’re putting your foot down. Once I started forcing my husband to take accountability for his moods and behaviors, he did change for the better. Though I think it’s more to do with the fact that he wants to avoid the shame I inflict when he acts like a spoiled child.
I think to be with a DA you have to be secure, patient, and really clear on the value of the relationship for you. If you are sure that they are the right one, then apply all you've learnt in order to relate to them in a way they can respond to. If at any time, you find yourself abandoning yourself for the relationship, it's a sign to end it.
I am not claiming to be secure but I have a pretty amazing relationship with my DA, he's been great with everything except incorporating novelty in our life. DAs need for safety ties them down geographically whereas I have a deep craving for travel, adventures and experiences. These make him very uncomfortable and were an absolute nom negotiable for him. At one point, I was abandoning myself to fit into his world since ai couldn't pursue my dreams. I had to decide if this was a deal breaker for me. Obviously not. So now when wonderlust strikes, I end up going with my friends or alone. It sucks to not have him with me. I had to get those needs met by other people. I'm just going to have to live with that.
@@Mississippian Wow I totally experienced this same thing and it was making me die inside. When we did travel together it was terrible because he needs his creature comforts every four hours. So he can do an activity and then needs to go to the hotel/airbnb, smoke weed and watch a movie. He also never wanted to go out because his biggest concern was the security of having money and his creature comforts at home. His home was his kingdom and he was always tired after work or working on things at home on the weekend so I also mostly drove to him, and would have to come back and forth to check on my dog at my house. I felt ruled by his comforts in hindsight and not much thought was given to mine on his end. When I would bring up my needs for those things he thought I was being too much.
its so funny that you said the "i need to only see eachother once a month" as a joke but my DA was SO avoidant in the beginning that he truly meant it whean he said he doesnt need to see me more than once a month. We lived 3h from eachother so there were only the weekends for us to see eachother. I wouldve liked to see him every weekend but we compromised on every two weeks by the end haha Im mostly secure btw so that was all good with me but as i said he was EXTREMLY avoidant lol such a great person tho i truly loved him and he really put a lot of effort into getting better at all the relationship stuff sadly it didnt work out in the end
@S03_Stranger Mine is once 1 to 2 months and lives only 15 mins away😳 It's a distancing strategy due to fears of what relationship entails😟 It's not about you. They could love you very much but their fears override!
@@warmhart2034 Hey, yes, so he did try very hard which i really appriciated and we made it work for about a year but we were never officially together. We were exclusive tho, because it was not about dating other ppl with him. He had an extreme amount of fear based around commitment and that label of being bf and gf scared him so we didnt put that label on the relationship for the whole year and in that time I was truly okay with that bacause it was still early stages and we progressed in a lot of other ways. I was really patient and understanding but I also had my boundaries set and my intentions clear that when the progression of the relationship got stuck, that i had no choice but to leave. So i set my timelimit, as thais also recommends, and that was around the one year mark + making no progress in the commitment part of the relationship. In the end, he still couldnt commit to an official relationship because he was too scared and also wasnt ready to go to therapy which of course was fine, but meant that we were stuck and couldnt progress any further, so i had to leave him sadly.
@@prokrastinatin Hi there, in what way could he not commit to a relationship? Or in other words, what were your expectations from him for you say that you indeed have a committed relationship?
@@warmhart2034 The part where he actually calls me his girlfriend and says to friends and family that im his girlfriend and not just a friend. and also showing affection outside of his or my place and not act as friends as soon as we left the house. no hiding our relationship to the outside i would say. he was too afraid to "seal the deal " so to speak lol i think part of it was being afraid of being stuck and losing his independence / not being recieved as his own person anymore -- classic DA stuff haha
Thank you for making this series, Thais! I find that, in general, in psychology, there is such a wealth of information on what our traumas are, how they manifest, where they come from - which is important, for sure! But sometimes, I feel that can leave us, well, nitpicking at the flaws. And given that many of us grew up in unhealthy environments that generated those traumas, it makes sense that we would have no idea how a secure person would show up and behave! Leaving us with a clear image with what is "wrong", but no true reference for what "right" looks like! So I am very glad that you will make this series as a reference :) I would love to learn how a securely attached individual would react to someone behaving in an invasive way towards them: seeking excessive/inappropriate closeness, demanding their needs be met too early in the getting to know each other phase, criticising, blaming and pressuring.
Thais has taught me so much and I'm eternally grateful to her. But I find that if I use any words that sound like self help stuff - 'needs', 'boundaries', 'wounds' then my partner shuts down. He just hears it as jargon and has said this. This may be a cultural thing - but actually my DA friends also respond badly to these kinds of words. If I use different and much more basic words they respond. I'm wondering if that's just me, or particularly a British thing... 🤔
@@Meg.1122 Hi Meg.. thanks for asking. It's more of a 'when you say that you sound angry, are you angry?' Whereas if I said 'you have violated my boundary in saying it like that'. This might be a clunky example but basically I have to use very plain words when talking about emotions or the DAs in my life roll their eyes and stop listening.
My DA is a Brit too. He’s also against texting. When I have brought up any of those key terms, he insists he doesn’t want to have a heavy conversation at that moment. I have found that emailing him how I feel, what I expect in the future going forward and celebrating all the things he does that brings me joy is best for us. He won’t want to talk about it but acknowledges he reads my emails and more importantly, I see him implement changes I’ve kindly requested of him. Furthermore, I also ask him for feedback and he now asks me in the moment, rather than after the fact.
How would a securely attached person react to their partner withdrawing all verbal & non verbal affection suddenly, without obvious reasons, yet still showing up? Seems like they're not interested but feel obligated to come over :/ There isn't an obvious perk that they've gained access to, not that I can see anyway.
Why invest your time and energy with someone that isn't emotionally healthy and ready for a mature relationship? These types of dynamics with the hot and cold have proven to be addictive
I would love to know, how to best motivate the DA partner (to open up) They probably have lack of self esteem so they don’t feel comfortable and they don’t feel safe while others trying to help in specific situations. I hope it’s not too vague. Love your content ✌️
I find it's having the confidence and security to stop needing people to open up to you. When you have the attitude that intimacy will come naturally in time if its meant to be then you act less pushy and it makes you easier to trust with such disclosure. When you have an agenda to know their secrets other people can sense it and it puts them more on edge, just wait and be as open as you can be let things happen
I’m not secure but I’ve never attached to a DA before. I went on numerous dates with one once and couldn’t resonate with them. I’m FA and would attract FA’s exclusively 🤦🏽♀️ anxiously attached are very easy to spot and immediately activate my avoidance so I’ve never been with those persons in a relationship either. I’m about 40% into being secure, and now FA’s in the dating scene are starting to trigger me now. I take that as a good sign as their hot and cold is no longer fully resonating with me.
I wish I had seen this before I told the DA I want to break up. I was formerly anxious attachment then worked on myself to be secure attachment style then met the DA and lapsed back into anxious. I got fed up with the anger and hurtful put-downs and me feeling like a failure at everything and started to just react. One day I reached my max. But I miss her so much and maybe if I had more tools and time I could have saved us.
Hhhhmmm… I’m not sure. I’m SA and had all the tools and the patience of an angel. It still turned into a disaster. I wish I hadn’t wasted my time and money (a dozen books and online courses) on trying to make it work. Never again!
I'd imagine a Secure would reach out to ask if anything bothered the DA or if there was a reason for a breakup. If after several attempts were made to reach out but the DA runs and ignores all your efforts then I think the Secure can just move on.
My partner did that, like three times. Take your space to give them the space. Most times they don’t want to hurt you. Even if it does, be patient, because there’s not so much you can do if someone withdraws themselves from someone. Be there if they wanna talk. Tell them they can be safe around you and if there’s anything you can do to help them, even if it’s staying away, let them know I guess, if it’s not that serious, don’t let it take too long (depending how long the relationship was)
@Katja Behrmann It is not okay for somebody to bounce anytime they want to because they are too immature to talk with words. Allowing that to happen by waiting around with open arms when they complete their varioys tantrums does not sound like healthy advice to me.
@@allyberry33 kindness costs a secure person nothing. you seem to be suggesting a sort of punishment attitude to other people's pain that creates a DA tbh. Ignoring and getting angry and denying someone warmth or care unless they live up to your expectations of them and give you exactly what you want all the time and when is how these people were parented. When you disapprove or shame people's beh it makes them scared to be themselves or open up around you. When you are secure it is possible to ask someone if they're hurting even if you are hurting because you don't see their behaviour as a reflection of you. Anxious people get so upset because they blame themselves and it makes them think the avoidant has caused that pain or is trying to hurt them bur that presumption isn't reasonable. People are hurt and act a way and it's not your fault which makes it easy to ask about it tbh. Lots of DA's are acting out of their hurt, they have been punished the way you suggest when they had negative feelings so they avoid showing you how they feel all the time in case you don't like it. So when you ask about them you let them know it's OK to share theirs and be themselves It doesn't breed more avoidance, instead they slowwwly learn that you can accept all their feelings (even the ones you dont like)and that you care about them genuinely and they will share instead of disappearing in future.
I’ve always had secure attachment until dating my ex that is extremely avoidant. I tried every thing you stated and still got no where with him. He also cheated a lot and i def feel like it was for constant validation, I’ve never seen a person so needing of validation but i was aware of the issue and tried to talk to him about it, suggested we both work on ourselves and try therapy etc. no angle i tried worked and it eventually lead to me feeling like i was losing myself and started acting so out of character. I’ve never experienced a relationship dynamic like this before and it’s left me pretty scarred. He didn’t act this way in the beginning he portrayed to be on the same page as me, otherwise i would have never pursued the relationship dynamics with DA’s are too chaotic and unpredictable for me i have to refrain and be more hyper vigilant moving forward.
It sounds more like you were dealing with a narcissist than just a regular DA. The tell-tale signs are that he represented himself so differently at the beginning, and the constant need for validation. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. These kinds of people can have a serious impact on our self-esteem. I hope you're healing and moving on to fulfilling relationships. You deserve it. ❤
@@malindarayallen i def have speculated if he’s narcissistic. It was brutal!!! I’ve been healing and going to therapy, it’s been a slow process but I’m getting stronger as time goes on. Thanks so much!
@@pureharmonybeats324 I'm so happy to hear that! A relationship like that can really do your head in. Give yourself the time you need and proceed with self-compassion. Surround yourself with good people, go live your best life!
Yes, I agree. They start out being thoughtful and somewhat generous. However, if you look carefully, you will see signs of dismissive behavior. This is easy to miss as we all start out in relationships trying to please and put our best foot forward. This is normal even for a secure person. Watch out for: 1. Lack of emotional response to some of your questions 2. No eye contact. 3. Getting quickly bored and disinterested in what you have to say. 4. Difficulty taking a risk. 5. Having very logical and unemotional conversations. 6. Stiff body language and difficulty relaxing in new environments. 7. Moody.
Can we have a video about what to do or expect from after discussion about conflict to where both persons trust and are comfortable with each other again? (How long it'd take, what to be mindful of etc)
Me and the woman I like took your attachment style test to figure out ourselves a bit more and, me personally, to see how I can be a better help to her not even as a partner yet, but to hopefully show her just how much I'm willing to do and understand her better. I'm 50% secure, 43% anxious (I think mostly due to present circumstances), and 7% dismissive. She, on the other hand, is 30%fearful, 26%dismissive, 26%secure, and 17%anxious. My friend who introduced me to you guys just said "WELP, GODSPEED AND HOLD YOUR HEART CLOSE" lol. She said that we are polar opposites, and I'll bear almost all the pain. But for me, as long as we get to keep communicating, I'll be alright. I personally just need assurance from time to time, and I'll feel better. It can even be indirect, too. I'm the date to marry kind of guy, treating a person I end up liking as my last. And I think things through, too. When I see that the practical qualities of being a partner are there, that's when I go through things that keep me attracted to them. She's got independence, a kind and forgiving heart, a thought-out future, etc. And I can easily see myself as being little to no detriment to what she wants over what I'd want to be, too. All that's left now is the patience of waiting for her to be ready, and that includes these moments of distancing as well. So this is like a godsend for me. Helps relieve my anxiety over the situation, too. ❤️
@@sardi114 I guess they show up if there is a significant amount of differences. You can try and retake the quiz again. If no other percentages still show up, then I guess you're completely secure, my dude.
How about how a securely attached person would respond to a fearful-avoidant shutdown and not knowing if that shutdown is forever or just for a few days, weeks, months (or years)? Feeling like Im in limbo (clearly not securely attached).
The shutdowns are agonizing to deal with. I dealt with that for years despite having considered myself to be securely attached prior to that relationship. He was a genuinely amazing guy with a big heart but he would shut down suddenly for reasons I wasn't even allowed to know about (and even after they ended it would always be something unrelated to me even as the given reason). I never knew if they would last hours, days, or even weeks. The longest was over 2 weeks. I always told him I understood that he had shutdowns when overwhelmed but I expect at least a text telling me that he needed time to himself because he's overwhelmed. It turned me into someone who was becoming anxiously attached. But I'd fall for the breadcrumbs and my empathy for his struggles caused me to put myself last and to lower my standards far lower than I ever should have allowed them to go. I finally broke free after he avoided me last December on my birthday and while my dog was also dying of cancer at the same time. I decided that this was not the future I wanted for myself - a life filled with uncertainty and pain and accepting breadcrumbs in place of genuine connection and healthy communication. It was the hardest thing to walk away. It took a lot of willpower not to get sucked back in but I decided I owed it to myself to not live with this immense pain anymore. I was far more lonely in that relationship than I've ever been while single
I have a question, bc DA’s r so known to mostly avoid, stonewall , self sooth … I would imagine that unless they were working on their style attachment that it would most likely not work out ? I’m much more secure now then I was FA… I would be so afraid of failure again with a DA … 😞
I’m SA and tried everything. It didn’t work out. He said he was willing to work on himself, but never did. I would avoid DAs and try to find an SA if I were you. I have been SA all my life and the DA reduced me to a nervous wreck. Still SA so he didn’t manage to break me. Can’t say he didn’t try his best. 😬
@@katalinmcewan thank you for ur insight , sad ur DA missed out and hurt u but relieved they didn’t break ur SA .. ness. 3 years later and I’m still in turmoil in my brain from my DA demise .. but really really he was drinking and depressed and it was so hard that I guess it was coming due .. our timing was just so off and Covid was a contributing factor
Can you please make a video about how to handle an FA who keeps pushing conversations back and then makes a decision on their own and just ends the relationship and how to get them to have a conversation from deactivation?
Thais mentions here that if a DA only wants to see you once a month, there are "layers." I think a DA like that would either be extreme and an introvert and have ULTRA big fears of relationships. Thoughts?
@@melw3313 I don't try either much. I just respond if he texts but I do my own thing to meet my needs. If the DA changes, great! If he doesn't, I will keep him as a friend
@@melw3313 Like U , I changed my AT from Secure/Anxious to Secure/Avoidant as I continue to associate with this DA. Mingling with other people meets my need for connectedness but not physical intimacy which is a problem as I only ever want it with one😟
@@melw3313 Similar experience with becoming self-reliant since dating DA/FA man. Since our in-person meets are sparse, I have struck out on my own, joining social and dining clubs. I'm actually enjoying the diversity of dining companions and meeting people. Now, I have no qualms rocking up to a group of strangers! His avoidance has actually benefitted me in a way :)
Voicing needs to a DA have be really spaced out and timed right. But even before you begin that, start with affirming their efforts of being more responsive, vulnerable and expressive.
If you are trying to validate something or connect deeply with someone without creating resistance- replace "but" with "and." Many therapist give examples saying something sweet, then saying "but" which takes away from all of the nice things you just said. Everything was great in this, minus the use of "but."
Thais would be better able to answer this maybe in a new video, but I believe you're saying that you want to help them feel better about themselves and want to know how to do that, right?
You can reassure them, but the basic truth remains that until a person reprogram their own core wounds nothing that anyone else says will change the core wound specially if they feel helpless to do anything about it.
Validate their feelings. Not saying "yes you are right you are an idiot or useless", but tell them that you can imagine how crappy that feels. So basically hold space for them without trying to change it or make them feep better. The presence in itself will already accomplish that.
@@lifecoachingtoronto I’m not sure what the goal is tbh. Ultimately it’s up to them to feel better about themselves and not my responsibility. But maybe I’m asking what actions of mine are conducive to them reaching that point? I’ve been secure but teeter back to AP when my DA stays in his programming. I feel like I have the wrong motive in trying to make him feel better about himself, because I’ve been codependent. How much responsibility does a secure take on in someone else’s feelings?
@@scuffy1211 For sure you want to help them. Do you feel you're able to help them, and do you feel you're able to feel safe & secure even they don't feel different about themselves?
I dated a DA. He shut down NYE after I had sent a text message asking him what our plans were for the evening. I was upset, my tone was angry and hurt because I was always “the planner”. I felt like if he really loved me, which he said he did, he had a strange way of showing it. Anyway, he shut down, didn’t hear anything from him for 6 days. I was hurt that he didn’t make an effort to be with me for NYE. 3 months later we discussed what happened. I expressed how hurt I was and how he broke my heart. He said he thought I broke my own heart. No remorse, no apology, no empathy for me. It was all about how everything made him feel. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t care about my feelings and has no respect for me. I’m done
As a secure, I do wish I had followed these steps more often in my relationship with my DA. All of this sounds great on paper but hard to implement when the key to resolving any issue requires communication. From my experience, even this approach may not yield any positive results for the relationship unless the DA is working on him/herself. With that said, it's still important to put into practice.
Yes, DA’s are often not willing to come back and discuss anything. Her advice regarding navigating relationships with insecure people is often not effective. The best thing to do, is move on and find someone with a healthy secure attachment style.
yeah, I think the key is that it's important to put into practice for your sake (as the secure person). Moving on without actually communicating is just an avoidant behavior, whereas trying to communicate allows you to leave the situation (if needed) knowing that you did what you could. Deadlines are also super important in situations where the other person is not showing up, so you don't waste too much of your time.
@@skwerl81 that is the point: to communicate for yourself, so you are clear about where you stand. You are so right. That's what I didn't do. And now I don't know if we could have worked it out or not. And I feel like I messed it up - even though he messed up a lot.
Amen. I'm a recovering FA, but I did try to compromise and set boundaries w/ my DA and I just continued to get stonewalled. Thais has said it in plenty of videos, but the the caveats to trying to work with them are that they're working on themselves, and that if they refuse to communicate/work with you, you have to be ready to move on. Agree that it's important to try these steps though, so at least you know you tried.
@@wf4983 That's a rough situation, but I'm sure you had your reasons at the time! Like you said, it's not always easy in the moment... and it sounds like at least you can walk away with some lessons for next time? Always takes 2 people to tango lol, so remember to be compassionate with yourself and not take too much of the blame
It's OK to recognize that you also have the option not to continue to try to extract time from someone who doesn't want to give it to you. You have the choice to match energy and investment in any situation. The relationship will likely fall apart matching an unhealed DA's energy but that's OK, too. You can leave with your self-esteem intact and not feel like you had to compromise everything you had to bargain for time you'd prefer that someone wanted to spend with you because it's you.
Imagine what it'd be like to be with someone who saw your value and worth without you having to spell out what your bare minimum expectations and the basics of relationships are because it wasn't modeled to them in childhood. These weren't modeled to a lot of us in childhood which gives anyone with an insecure attachment style the option to seek out this modeling in adulthood.
Imagine how good it would feel to connect with someone who's matching your energy and investment. Now, that's exciting and peaceful at the same time - experiencing a reciprocity that's already baked into the connection as a standard and not merely an option.
You just summarized why had to break it off with the DA. I'm secure btw. I wasn't being given the same time or investment. Energy wasn't evenly or closely over time matched. I was in tuned to their needs. As time wore on he starved our relationship. I did appreciate their minimal attempts. Lack of reciprocity & his selfish lack of empathy. I had showed up in every way. Sadly they don't have the capacity if not doing the work.
@@hibiscushoney3759I don't believe they do and everyone with an insecure attachment style has had childhood trauma. That's not a lifelong excuse for only DAs while every other attachment style is expected to put in the work and be accountable for two. It may hurt to let them go but they're often never really there in the first place. So, we're essentially just recognizing that. Congratulations on choosing you! I'm heartened to hear you see your own value and aren't settling for breadcrumbs and far less than what you have to offer.❤
@steffiekensley8743 thank you ❤️ it hurts, but you are right. They were never fully invested. I feel bad for the girls or women he is able to trauma bond & wrap up in his inner wounds he will project. All while them not being aware of the dismissive avoidant tendencies or the devalue discard stage they do like narcissists. I just caught it right at devalue stage. Broke it off he turned it around as if he broke it off then set rules. I walked. He ignored mine repeatedly.
Also as a secure person I have to say, without judgement at all, that for me it is highly unlikely that I get into a relationship with a dismissive avoidant in the first place. I never got into a relationship with one since when I go on dates and I sense that someone is a bit colder, takes long to respond and does not talk about their inner experience after a while I just never really further pursue it. So I think me and other securely attached folks wouldn’t find themselves in this position that quickly. Again without judgement, I know how difficult and painful relationships can be for DA’s! I just don’t feel myself gravitate towards them at all. Fellow secures; what about you?
This is so so true. It’s very unlikely that a secure person will even get attracted to a DA and then pursue it for a long time.
@@craigculford4963 I’m a therapist in training learning more about attachment styles :-)
@@craigculford4963 also I think there are quite a few securely attached people on here trying to make sense of their insecurely attached partner or ex
@@craigculford4963 no I don’t necessarily think that’s true. First because everyone is a mix of things, someone who is secure might have some other larger secondary attachment style. Lets say they are 70% secure and 30% anxious. Also, they can meet a DA that has a bit of security and even though they struggle they are empathetic and willing to work on things slowly. One of my friends is married to a more avoidant man; she is secure, and he is more avoidant, but they worked it out together and even though he found it difficult to open up he was still empathetic towards her emotions and feelings so :)
Yup. After recently going from avoidant to secure, I realized that secure people aren’t affected by the initial love bombing stage followed by the internal confusion of the hot and cold bids/affection/hard shutdowns. Secures have a steady and reasonable outward flow of intimacy as the relationship progresses - it isn’t hindered by the behaviour of the other person. While they’re experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions in the beginning stages, we’re stable enough to interpret that for what it is - instability. And to us secures, the incompatibility reveals itself. This is what being secure means! Coming from a calm place of love rather than erratic controlling behaviours, and knowing when you can’t change the other person regardless of how good of a communicator you are - because that’s just the way they’ll be until they come to such realizations.
Cheers!
Again the best way to deal with them is not at all I was in a relationship or whatever you would call it for 2 years thinking it would get better and it was a mess. I'm secure but I would get triggered because of things he would do.I have a lot of empathy I understand them but I found out that I was putting my mental health and my health in jeopardy so I deactivated and left.If they don't make any effort and don't realize that they are the elephant in the room you must leave them alone because they don't have a problem being alone wr all deserve better.
Well said
Amen.
Same 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 long enough with a D.A. will traumatize a secure and make them anxious leaning. Emotional withholding is one of, if not *the most*, noxious forms of emotional abuse because it can be so subtle
FACTS!!!
I agree with the mental health concern. It's best to walk away before you have a breakdown. Several meltdowns will precursor a breakdown.
LOL they wont EVEN verbalize it. They will JUST GHOST
I agree with the comment above by “E V”. These are wonderful tools, and yet, I’ve found a pattern with DA’s that their partners are often the ones putting effort-so much more effort-to learn about attachment styles, healthy relationship patterns, and investing more into a DA to “parent them” by explaining these more healthier strategies. They become the “healthy parent they never had” by proxy. I believe that’s why Dr. Levine proposed the idea that even Securely Attached would feel like they’re carrying the weight in a relationship with a DA.
When DAs choose to do the work to heal, it becomes a beautiful thing. It’s about both working on their attachment styles and/or wounds, as individuals and together.
Because now the DA is not placing the onus of change on their external environment to change to meet them at their specific baseline.
That's going to be true of a relationship with anyone who is insecurely attached.
@@H36662 I disagree. AP & FAs are working with a lot of love to give…they just don’t reserve any for self-love or considering self.
DAs fundamentally push, deflect, and hyper focus on their autonomy that they lack the building blocks to build closeness. It’s starting with a deficit. And why I see FAs and APs more often putting the work in. I celebrate the rare chance DAs are willing to heal their attachment style and stick to it.
@@lianavibes APs and FAs are as emotionally unavailable as DAs. It just presents very difficult. Despite frequent social media portrayals to the contrary (never by licensed professionals) DA isn't the lesser insecure attachment. But FAs and APs inability to recognise that is a key component of how their emotional inability presents.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n All insecure attachment styles get triggered by attachment. Their reaction is different bit equally harmful to relationships.
@@H36662 I believe you’re getting lost in semantics. To generalize, insecure attachments present the extreme of push-pull relationships. The work is to get to homeostasis/equilibrium. However, more FAs and APs tend to look to every resource to save their relationship. While DAs do not. THAT is point.
Lastly, have you personally been affected by a DA? And how many times? This context is important.
Tell then to go work on themselves and walk away.
If you stay, you are reinforcing in their mind that you will tolerate their behavior.
42 years. I am secure he is DA and will never talk about anything like this but at least I know now I am not crazy.
Would you do a video about dismissive avoidants struggle to trust someone to not steal their independence?!
Underrated ask
I'm using this video in real time so thank you for the spot-on timing. ;) My DA boyfriend is upset about some personal/family/work issues and also is saying to me "you're always mad at me". (I'm displeased about certain specific behaviors like lies or omissions to avoid conflict and have expressed this but I'm uncertain if he is grasping why this is not ok). He's curled up in a dark room while I eat dinner alone. I told him I'm going to eat dinner and he said he's in a bad place. I told him "it's ok and I'll see you when you feel better...but I'm going to eat".
FYI, in the past, I would probably freak out and hound him until he joined me for dinner and a discussion. I'm not taking this one personally tonight and feeling pretty calm about the situation.
Definitely don’t take it personally. That is the best thing for tonight/ today. ❤️
He sounds very emotionally manipulative. I’m glad you’re putting your foot down. Once I started forcing my husband to take accountability for his moods and behaviors, he did change for the better. Though I think it’s more to do with the fact that he wants to avoid the shame I inflict when he acts like a spoiled child.
I think to be with a DA you have to be secure, patient, and really clear on the value of the relationship for you. If you are sure that they are the right one, then apply all you've learnt in order to relate to them in a way they can respond to. If at any time, you find yourself abandoning yourself for the relationship, it's a sign to end it.
Allis Brere 💯%
Can people kindly share when they felt they were abandoning themselves to the relationship with a DA?
Exactly. It's not that hard.
I am not claiming to be secure but I have a pretty amazing relationship with my DA, he's been great with everything except incorporating novelty in our life. DAs need for safety ties them down geographically whereas I have a deep craving for travel, adventures and experiences. These make him very uncomfortable and were an absolute nom negotiable for him. At one point, I was abandoning myself to fit into his world since ai couldn't pursue my dreams. I had to decide if this was a deal breaker for me. Obviously not. So now when wonderlust strikes, I end up going with my friends or alone. It sucks to not have him with me. I had to get those needs met by other people. I'm just going to have to live with that.
@@Mississippian
Same. DA doesn't like dining out so I joined dining clubs😃
@@Mississippian Wow I totally experienced this same thing and it was making me die inside. When we did travel together it was terrible because he needs his creature comforts every four hours. So he can do an activity and then needs to go to the hotel/airbnb, smoke weed and watch a movie. He also never wanted to go out because his biggest concern was the security of having money and his creature comforts at home. His home was his kingdom and he was always tired after work or working on things at home on the weekend so I also mostly drove to him, and would have to come back and forth to check on my dog at my house. I felt ruled by his comforts in hindsight and not much thought was given to mine on his end. When I would bring up my needs for those things he thought I was being too much.
its so funny that you said the "i need to only see eachother once a month" as a joke but my DA was SO avoidant in the beginning that he truly meant it whean he said he doesnt need to see me more than once a month. We lived 3h from eachother so there were only the weekends for us to see eachother. I wouldve liked to see him every weekend but we compromised on every two weeks by the end haha Im mostly secure btw so that was all good with me but as i said he was EXTREMLY avoidant lol such a great person tho i truly loved him and he really put a lot of effort into getting better at all the relationship stuff sadly it didnt work out in the end
Procrastination, if I may ask?
You mention that your DA was trying and did compromise?? What made it not work out in the end?
@S03_Stranger
Mine is once 1 to 2 months and lives only 15 mins away😳
It's a distancing strategy due to fears of what relationship entails😟
It's not about you.
They could love you very much but their fears override!
@@warmhart2034 Hey, yes, so he did try very hard which i really appriciated and we made it work for about a year but we were never officially together. We were exclusive tho, because it was not about dating other ppl with him. He had an extreme amount of fear based around commitment and that label of being bf and gf scared him so we didnt put that label on the relationship for the whole year and in that time I was truly okay with that bacause it was still early stages and we progressed in a lot of other ways. I was really patient and understanding but I also had my boundaries set and my intentions clear that when the progression of the relationship got stuck, that i had no choice but to leave. So i set my timelimit, as thais also recommends, and that was around the one year mark + making no progress in the commitment part of the relationship. In the end, he still couldnt commit to an official relationship because he was too scared and also wasnt ready to go to therapy which of course was fine, but meant that we were stuck and couldnt progress any further, so i had to leave him sadly.
@@prokrastinatin Hi there, in what way could he not commit to a relationship? Or in other words, what were your expectations from him for you say that you indeed have a committed relationship?
@@warmhart2034 The part where he actually calls me his girlfriend and says to friends and family that im his girlfriend and not just a friend. and also showing affection outside of his or my place and not act as friends as soon as we left the house. no hiding our relationship to the outside i would say. he was too afraid to "seal the deal " so to speak lol i think part of it was being afraid of being stuck and losing his independence / not being recieved as his own person anymore -- classic DA stuff haha
Thank you for making this series, Thais! I find that, in general, in psychology, there is such a wealth of information on what our traumas are, how they manifest, where they come from - which is important, for sure! But sometimes, I feel that can leave us, well, nitpicking at the flaws. And given that many of us grew up in unhealthy environments that generated those traumas, it makes sense that we would have no idea how a secure person would show up and behave! Leaving us with a clear image with what is "wrong", but no true reference for what "right" looks like! So I am very glad that you will make this series as a reference :)
I would love to learn how a securely attached individual would react to someone behaving in an invasive way towards them: seeking excessive/inappropriate closeness, demanding their needs be met too early in the getting to know each other phase, criticising, blaming and pressuring.
Thais has taught me so much and I'm eternally grateful to her. But I find that if I use any words that sound like self help stuff - 'needs', 'boundaries', 'wounds' then my partner shuts down. He just hears it as jargon and has said this. This may be a cultural thing - but actually my DA friends also respond badly to these kinds of words. If I use different and much more basic words they respond. I'm wondering if that's just me, or particularly a British thing... 🤔
What are those other words if you don't mind asking?
@@Meg.1122 Hi Meg.. thanks for asking. It's more of a 'when you say that you sound angry, are you angry?' Whereas if I said 'you have violated my boundary in saying it like that'. This might be a clunky example but basically I have to use very plain words when talking about emotions or the DAs in my life roll their eyes and stop listening.
My DA is a Brit too. He’s also against texting. When I have brought up any of those key terms, he insists he doesn’t want to have a heavy conversation at that moment. I have found that emailing him how I feel, what I expect in the future going forward and celebrating all the things he does that brings me joy is best for us. He won’t want to talk about it but acknowledges he reads my emails and more importantly, I see him implement changes I’ve kindly requested of him. Furthermore, I also ask him for feedback and he now asks me in the moment, rather than after the fact.
Thanks for starting this series. Really helps to visualize what a healthy rship should look like
How would a securely attached person react to their partner withdrawing all verbal & non verbal affection suddenly, without obvious reasons, yet still showing up? Seems like they're not interested but feel obligated to come over :/
There isn't an obvious perk that they've gained access to, not that I can see anyway.
How would a secure person react to an FA deactivating and/or lashing out?
Thank you for the wonderful content!
You are such an inspiration I look forward to your golden nuggets.
Straight cut to chase conversation..love it.
Why invest your time and energy with someone that isn't emotionally healthy and ready for a mature relationship?
These types of dynamics with the hot and cold have proven to be addictive
this is SO HELPFUL!!!
THANK YOU!!!!
Thank you so much for this. May you do one for fearful avoidant?
Thank you! Such great content and very helpful video!
Great video as always ! Can you do how a DA reacts to another DA?
Great video! Thanks! The comments are also very good.
I would love to know, how to best motivate the DA partner (to open up)
They probably have lack of self esteem so they don’t feel comfortable and they don’t feel safe while others trying to help in specific situations.
I hope it’s not too vague.
Love your content ✌️
I find it's having the confidence and security to stop needing people to open up to you. When you have the attitude that intimacy will come naturally in time if its meant to be then you act less pushy and it makes you easier to trust with such disclosure.
When you have an agenda to know their secrets other people can sense it and it puts them more on edge, just wait and be as open as you can be let things happen
How would a securely attached couple resolve conflicts around how frequently to engage in sexual interactions?
Love this Thais! Keep it coming! God bless!
I’m not secure but I’ve never attached to a DA before. I went on numerous dates with one once and couldn’t resonate with them. I’m FA and would attract FA’s exclusively 🤦🏽♀️ anxiously attached are very easy to spot and immediately activate my avoidance so I’ve never been with those persons in a relationship either. I’m about 40% into being secure, and now FA’s in the dating scene are starting to trigger me now. I take that as a good sign as their hot and cold is no longer fully resonating with me.
I wish I had seen this before I told the DA I want to break up. I was formerly anxious attachment then worked on myself to be secure attachment style then met the DA and lapsed back into anxious. I got fed up with the anger and hurtful put-downs and me feeling like a failure at everything and started to just react. One day I reached my max. But I miss her so much and maybe if I had more tools and time I could have saved us.
Hhhhmmm… I’m not sure. I’m SA and had all the tools and the patience of an angel. It still turned into a disaster. I wish I hadn’t wasted my time and money (a dozen books and online courses) on trying to make it work. Never again!
Thank you Complex Cat. My DA is now pushing for space and is agitated at me.
What would a secure person do if the DA suddenly broke up with them, when things are going well?
I'd imagine a Secure would reach out to ask if anything bothered the DA or if there was a reason for a breakup. If after several attempts were made to reach out but the DA runs and ignores all your efforts then I think the Secure can just move on.
My partner did that, like three times. Take your space to give them the space. Most times they don’t want to hurt you. Even if it does, be patient, because there’s not so much you can do if someone withdraws themselves from someone. Be there if they wanna talk. Tell them they can be safe around you and if there’s anything you can do to help them, even if it’s staying away, let them know I guess, if it’s not that serious, don’t let it take too long (depending how long the relationship was)
@Katja Behrmann It is not okay for somebody to bounce anytime they want to because they are too immature to talk with words. Allowing that to happen by waiting around with open arms when they complete their varioys tantrums does not sound like healthy advice to me.
@@allyberry33 kindness costs a secure person nothing. you seem to be suggesting a sort of punishment attitude to other people's pain that creates a DA tbh.
Ignoring and getting angry and denying someone warmth or care unless they live up to your expectations of them and give you exactly what you want all the time and when is how these people were parented.
When you disapprove or shame people's beh it makes them scared to be themselves or open up around you.
When you are secure it is possible to ask someone if they're hurting even if you are hurting because you don't see their behaviour as a reflection of you. Anxious people get so upset because they blame themselves and it makes them think the avoidant has caused that pain or is trying to hurt them bur that presumption isn't reasonable.
People are hurt and act a way and it's not your fault which makes it easy to ask about it tbh.
Lots of DA's are acting out of their hurt, they have been punished the way you suggest when they had negative feelings so they avoid showing you how they feel all the time in case you don't like it.
So when you ask about them you let them know it's OK to share theirs and be themselves
It doesn't breed more avoidance, instead they slowwwly learn that you can accept all their feelings (even the ones you dont like)and that you care about them genuinely and they will share instead of disappearing in future.
@lulahbelle Sounds like kindness DOES cost in this situation. It costs the secure person peace, stability, and a healthy environment to exist in.
I’ve always had secure attachment until dating my ex that is extremely avoidant. I tried every thing you stated and still got no where with him. He also cheated a lot and i def feel like it was for constant validation, I’ve never seen a person so needing of validation but i was aware of the issue and tried to talk to him about it, suggested we both work on ourselves and try therapy etc. no angle i tried worked and it eventually lead to me feeling like i was losing myself and started acting so out of character. I’ve never experienced a relationship dynamic like this before and it’s left me pretty scarred. He didn’t act this way in the beginning he portrayed to be on the same page as me, otherwise i would have never pursued the relationship dynamics with DA’s are too chaotic and unpredictable for me i have to refrain and be more hyper vigilant moving forward.
It sounds more like you were dealing with a narcissist than just a regular DA. The tell-tale signs are that he represented himself so differently at the beginning, and the constant need for validation. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. These kinds of people can have a serious impact on our self-esteem. I hope you're healing and moving on to fulfilling relationships. You deserve it. ❤
@@malindarayallen i def have speculated if he’s narcissistic. It was brutal!!! I’ve been healing and going to therapy, it’s been a slow process but I’m getting stronger as time goes on. Thanks so much!
@@pureharmonybeats324 I'm so happy to hear that! A relationship like that can really do your head in. Give yourself the time you need and proceed with self-compassion. Surround yourself with good people, go live your best life!
Yes, I agree. They start out being thoughtful and somewhat generous. However, if you look carefully, you will see signs of dismissive behavior. This is easy to miss as we all start out in relationships trying to please and put our best foot forward. This is normal even for a secure person. Watch out for:
1. Lack of emotional response to some of your questions
2. No eye contact.
3. Getting quickly bored and disinterested in what you have to say.
4. Difficulty taking a risk.
5. Having very logical and unemotional conversations.
6. Stiff body language and difficulty relaxing in new environments.
7. Moody.
@@malindarayallen Agree.
I asked fo see him every 2 or 3 weeks and he answered that he can’t commit yet to that.
Can we have a video about what to do or expect from after discussion about conflict to where both persons trust and are comfortable with each other again? (How long it'd take, what to be mindful of etc)
Very helpful! Thanks Thais
Me and the woman I like took your attachment style test to figure out ourselves a bit more and, me personally, to see how I can be a better help to her not even as a partner yet, but to hopefully show her just how much I'm willing to do and understand her better.
I'm 50% secure, 43% anxious (I think mostly due to present circumstances), and 7% dismissive.
She, on the other hand, is 30%fearful, 26%dismissive, 26%secure, and 17%anxious.
My friend who introduced me to you guys just said "WELP, GODSPEED AND HOLD YOUR HEART CLOSE" lol. She said that we are polar opposites, and I'll bear almost all the pain.
But for me, as long as we get to keep communicating, I'll be alright. I personally just need assurance from time to time, and I'll feel better. It can even be indirect, too.
I'm the date to marry kind of guy, treating a person I end up liking as my last. And I think things through, too. When I see that the practical qualities of being a partner are there, that's when I go through things that keep me attracted to them. She's got independence, a kind and forgiving heart, a thought-out future, etc. And I can easily see myself as being little to no detriment to what she wants over what I'd want to be, too.
All that's left now is the patience of waiting for her to be ready, and that includes these moments of distancing as well. So this is like a godsend for me. Helps relieve my anxiety over the situation, too. ❤️
How did you get the percentages of your attachment styles? I did the quiz and it just said I’m secure. It didn’t mention any percentages. 🤷♀️
@@sardi114 I guess they show up if there is a significant amount of differences. You can try and retake the quiz again. If no other percentages still show up, then I guess you're completely secure, my dude.
LOVE THIS SERIES
How about how a securely attached person would respond to a fearful-avoidant shutdown and not knowing if that shutdown is forever or just for a few days, weeks, months (or years)? Feeling like Im in limbo (clearly not securely attached).
The shutdowns are agonizing to deal with. I dealt with that for years despite having considered myself to be securely attached prior to that relationship. He was a genuinely amazing guy with a big heart but he would shut down suddenly for reasons I wasn't even allowed to know about (and even after they ended it would always be something unrelated to me even as the given reason). I never knew if they would last hours, days, or even weeks. The longest was over 2 weeks. I always told him I understood that he had shutdowns when overwhelmed but I expect at least a text telling me that he needed time to himself because he's overwhelmed. It turned me into someone who was becoming anxiously attached. But I'd fall for the breadcrumbs and my empathy for his struggles caused me to put myself last and to lower my standards far lower than I ever should have allowed them to go. I finally broke free after he avoided me last December on my birthday and while my dog was also dying of cancer at the same time. I decided that this was not the future I wanted for myself - a life filled with uncertainty and pain and accepting breadcrumbs in place of genuine connection and healthy communication. It was the hardest thing to walk away. It took a lot of willpower not to get sucked back in but I decided I owed it to myself to not live with this immense pain anymore. I was far more lonely in that relationship than I've ever been while single
@@natalielongarini229 Im so sorry to hear this. Sounds like you really found your self worth though as a result which is great
We have Just one life so why we need waste time. I would lose respect and attraction to this person.
💯 Thank you ❤️🥂 This communication strategy will definitely build trust with a DA.
Once a month? Huh?
How does a Secure person respond to a DA stonewalling?
I have a question, bc DA’s r so known to mostly avoid, stonewall , self sooth … I would imagine that unless they were working on their style attachment that it would most likely not work out ? I’m much more secure now then I was FA… I would be so afraid of failure again with a DA … 😞
I’m SA and tried everything. It didn’t work out. He said he was willing to work on himself, but never did. I would avoid DAs and try to find an SA if I were you. I have been SA all my life and the DA reduced me to a nervous wreck. Still SA so he didn’t manage to break me. Can’t say he didn’t try his best. 😬
@@katalinmcewan thank you for ur insight , sad ur DA missed out and hurt u but relieved they didn’t break ur SA .. ness. 3 years later and I’m still in turmoil in my brain from my DA demise .. but really really he was drinking and depressed and it was so hard that I guess it was coming due .. our timing was just so off and Covid was a contributing factor
The truth is that an Avoidant will never become Secure. Only AP can become Secure, if they do the work.
@@dynamovelouria6089 As an FA whose been doing the work this is sooo discouraging. I hope ur wrong.
I lovee these secure videos!!
Can you please make a video about how to handle an FA who keeps pushing conversations back and then makes a decision on their own and just ends the relationship and how to get them to have a conversation from deactivation?
Thais mentions here that if a DA only wants to see you once a month, there are "layers."
I think a DA like that would either be extreme and an introvert and have ULTRA big fears of relationships. Thoughts?
Potentially also not interested in an exclusive relationship and (secretly) seeing other people
@@smileyface702
In my case, definitely not.
He lives a hermit-like existence.
Never been in long-term relationship and he is in late 50s😳
@@warmhart2034 my DA reached out after 6-7 weeks. Does it mean he wants to be in contact. He was formal.
Secures and earned secures, does this resonate?
@@melw3313
I don't try either much. I just respond if he texts but I do my own thing to meet my needs. If the DA changes, great! If he doesn't, I will keep him as a friend
@@melw3313
Not a friend in the ideal sense as they are hyperindependent and expect us to look after ourselves!
@@melw3313
Like U , I changed my AT from Secure/Anxious to Secure/Avoidant as I continue to associate with this DA. Mingling with other people meets my need for connectedness but not physical intimacy which is a problem as I only ever want it with one😟
@@melw3313 Similar experience with becoming self-reliant since dating DA/FA man. Since our in-person meets are sparse, I have struck out on my own, joining social and dining clubs. I'm actually enjoying the diversity of dining companions and meeting people. Now, I have no qualms rocking up to a group of strangers! His avoidance has actually benefitted me in a way :)
Voicing needs to a DA have be really spaced out and timed right. But even before you begin that, start with affirming their efforts of being more responsive, vulnerable and expressive.
If you are trying to validate something or connect deeply with someone without creating resistance- replace "but" with "and."
Many therapist give examples saying something sweet, then saying "but" which takes away from all of the nice things you just said.
Everything was great in this, minus the use of "but."
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Thanks! Teaching and creating space for people to practice this stuff is actually what I do for work!
What would make an SA leave an FA or AP?
How does a secure person respond to others core wounds? Like how would they respond to a DA that constantly shames themselves?
Thais would be better able to answer this maybe in a new video, but I believe you're saying that you want to help them feel better about themselves and want to know how to do that, right?
You can reassure them, but the basic truth remains that until a person reprogram their own core wounds nothing that anyone else says will change the core wound specially if they feel helpless to do anything about it.
Validate their feelings.
Not saying "yes you are right you are an idiot or useless", but tell them that you can imagine how crappy that feels.
So basically hold space for them without trying to change it or make them feep better. The presence in itself will already accomplish that.
@@lifecoachingtoronto I’m not sure what the goal is tbh. Ultimately it’s up to them to feel better about themselves and not my responsibility. But maybe I’m asking what actions of mine are conducive to them reaching that point? I’ve been secure but teeter back to AP when my DA stays in his programming. I feel like I have the wrong motive in trying to make him feel better about himself, because I’ve been codependent.
How much responsibility does a secure take on in someone else’s feelings?
@@scuffy1211 For sure you want to help them. Do you feel you're able to help them, and do you feel you're able to feel safe & secure even they don't feel different about themselves?
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡