The 4 Types Of Dismissive Avoidants | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Explained
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In this video I'll discuss the 4 main types of dismissive avoidants.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #DismissiveAvoidant #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyleTypes #DismissiveAvoidantTypes
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I am dismissive avoidant, I grew up being alone has a child, I couldn't have friends over and had to stay in my room 90% of the time. I have no father and my mother made it very clear she didn't want me. So I grew up with no love and being rejected by my only parent, I never learned how to be emotional, to trust, to depend on others, I had to fend for myself very young. My mother always stated she hated being a parent and only had me because that's what society wants. I am slowly leaning how to open myself up more in relationship but this sh*t is hard. I really just don't know how to do it. I get jealous of others that can connect with folks, it's something I just don't know how to do. But, I'm trying, wish my luck.
Hugs! I really wish that you can heal your wounds.Good luck!
I’m happy you are on the path to healing.
Praying you got this more strength and power to your healing journey the best thing you can do is Try be willing to examine and explore and research and learn about rediscovering who you really are before all the trauma and neglect placed in our lives sending you virtual hugs 💜💜💜💜💜💫🙏🏾
Sending you so much love!! You are doing great just by trying xx
my wife soon to be ex was similar to your life and it really hurts to hear those stories if you love them , then they tend to eat away at those that love them its a hard road good for you that stands up
timestamps for y'all:
3:22 extroverted or social dismissive avoidants
7:30 enmeshed or people-pleasing dismissive avoidants
10:20 traditional dismissive avoidants
11:29 extreme or stronger dismissive avoidants
Thank U
I don’t understand why Thais doesn’t provide timelines herself (other TH-camrs do this). Could this be an avoidance symptom?)
@@mmoltich bruh stop projecting 😂
@@mmoltich if you watched her videos you would know that’s ur toxic mind filling in the blanks. She’s a busy person dude take a deep breath lol
@@mmoltich from some of her videos, she did admitted in the past she used to be fearful avoidant. That's why she wants to share this to the world.
Intro ends at 2:53
Doing the Lord's work right there. Thank you❤❤
THANK YOU
I love this video. Not only is it super informative but it also helps prevent the "all DA's are ..." discourse and stereotypes. Every attachment style presents differently in every person and its important for everyone to keep that in mind.
This no one seems to understand me as an extreme extrovert (testing 93% on Myers-Briggs) DA. I don't fit most stereotypes and when I shut down people are so confused.
I’m a da. Big tip for anyone dating or close friends with a da. If they start sharing something deep or emotional, do not openly pity them, it will shut them down. They will respond by making a joke or will act like what they were sharing wasn’t a big deal. But they will be leery to ever share with you again.
Yeah..
I fell in love with a dismissive avoidant. He was extremely emotionally shut down with everyone in his life- but he opened his heart up to me on a very deep level. He shared with me feelings he didn’t share with anyone- and he said that he felt safe opening up to me because everyone else pitied him but he felt like a man when he would talk to me. We haven’t spoken in months because he was going through a lot of personal/family issues and we agreed to let each other go for now. He knows I’m always there for him but due to his DA nature- you can’t force someone to stay in your life. Even though he said it was extremely hard for him, he decided to let me go and figure out what he needs to do and that’s okay. I’m just letting him do that without pressure. I love him and would love to connect with him soon. A person with DA attachment style is going to have to learn to let their walls down with time if they want true intimacy and connection. They need to relearn that love can be safe. But you can’t force this realization, they have to come to it on their own resolve.
@@AmandaNicolexolove yourself too. We have a moral obligation to self care. I would want my children to pursue the relationships they deserve
I wish I knew this before ! I showed some pity when she said she was feeling low and after that she shut off and now even deactivated last seen for me on whatsapp I wish I knew this before .
Is there anyway to make it alright after they have withdrawn once you show pity and try to show support etc ?? I dont know wether to stop altogether or try connecting with them once in a while ? I really like her but every step I take seems to be somehow making things worse .
As I stood there watching my Grandmother being lowered into the ground at her funeral. My wife left my side and stood 100 feet away from me as I broke down crying for the first time in the entire funeral. I will never forget that.
This is why you can never listen to a woman when she asks you to "be vulnerable" and to "open up" to them. As soon as you do they will be disgusted by it and/or use it against you at a later date.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
Be proud of those sacred tears
@@santana9434 I’m sorry you never felt safe to express your deeper emotions as a child.
1. Extroverted and social DA. Social connection not emotional connection. Pull away when it gets deep and avoid deep conversations. Pull away any emotional or deep conversation. They feel empowered among social situations. Lukewarm but not cold. Too close, there is a wall. Deflect and avoid situations. How your day things happening in your life defect and avert. Very sweet and even friendships and family, not understanding why someone is reacting so strongly? Why don’t they have a hold on their reactions? Confused manner. Privately very sensitive to criticism. Very strong cover over that. Usually will be interested if they have community or they have someone helping them through the situation. Any lack of trust they can be out of there.
2. Master people pleasing DA- characterized by primary emotional neglect. Hear caregiver emotionally depressed. Caregiver rely’s on. Older siblings taking on the emotional enmeshment. This person in a relationship will be very caring, really paying attention to detail, and a lot of resistance if they feel something being pushed on them.
3. Traditional DA. John Bulby work slow to warm up and think they had the ideal childhood, as soon as vulnerability and commitment talking rather than thinking.
4. Carry all qualities of traditional. Avoid all situations that involve emotional vulnerability. Potential relationship dynamics- fears run behaviors. Usually a lot of their personality has been built around avoid emotions. Least likely to do the work.
Intro and advanced.
thanks! Also I had checked, it's John Bowlby.
Mine was the extreme DA type four but definitely had narcissistic traits too. This woman literally destroyed me after 12 years and now I have to go into therapy.
I wasn’t even aware that I was Dismissive Avoidant. I always had to be an empathic listener for both my avoidant parents who refused to take care of me to spite each other and prove a point. I felt I had to suppress my own needs and feelings just to survive in my environment, and now I can’t even tell what I’m feeling half the time let alone communicate it with my partner
any female DAs learning about themselves and how to work on it through these vids? I'm shook that she's describing me accurately
Okay now we truly need further elaboration on the fearful avoidant leaning DA vs People pleasing DA video.
I agree
i'll suggest it! -PDS team member
Haha I was just about to type that.
Yea cos im both
Bump
This was so helpful! Incredible. I definitely recognized my two prior partners in there. Can you do separate videos for each one of the 4 different dismissive styles breaking it down even more in detail and what Their friends and partners can do to interact with them, what they need from their partner, what triggers them ect? Thank you so much for this amazing content! 🙏🏻
I'm definitely dismissive. I have trouble getting past small talk to emotional conversations. It's not that I don't want to talk about my emotions. It's that I don't really know how.
You tell the truth.
Do you want a lot of autonomy and space and independence? Do emotions or people overwhelm you?
@@anja7787 ME, YESS
Very helpful. I had a pretty good childhood. But I learned a dismissive avoidant style from my father, who dealt with the world in this way. I know that he loved us, but he did not know how to express this emotionally. He showed it in other ways, mainly by teaching us technical skills and making things for us, which I am very grateful for. The sad thing is that as he came into old age, he became more and more withdrawn and unable to express himself. Luckily, he had my mother to be a spokesperson, somewhat. Now in my early 60s, I am beginning to understand this (with the help of videos like this). I learned many useful things from my father. In the end, maybe the most useful is that I do not want to follow in his footsteps any more. Thank you.
My initial reaction is this person could use my vulnerability against me
I didn't know there were types of DA until now :O
I have read from several other psychologists and psychotherapists that All insecure attachments are on a spectrum, and are neuanced. That's why assigning labels not being a professional can be problematic because people don't always show up as the label assigned until certain triggers are activated, how severe the trama, & what work has already been done.
Appreciated this video. Looking forward to the FA vid.
This breakdown is so so helpful! I always wondered why my partner did not align with many characterizations of the "typical" DA but seems so clearly to fit others. This makes a lot of sense
This is so helpful. I was a people-pleasing DA for most of my life and would say I’m now more secure (leaning DA when insecure) because I worked so hard on reprogramming. My bf & I just broke up - he’s a traditional DA, so sweet and caring during our time together but distant when we became committed.
In the beginning of our r/ship, I was still very DA but starting to working on myself. He ended up feeling kind of anxious, which I picked up, and we slowly became more intentional (but still unofficial). By 6 months in, after therapy and shadow work coaching, I was now in a more secure space and sought emotional connection in our r/ship. He was very closed off and awkward when I brought this up but when I made my boundary of us needing to be official or just end it, he decided to be with me. This only lasted two months before he felt too overwhelmed and drained by not meeting my emotional needs. I couldn’t understand why we were such different DA (even if you took my healing away) and this helps me process so much better. It’s really sad as a fellow/former DA to date another because you know how painful of a place they’re in. But as a more secure person now, it feels good to also… feel! Thank you so much for your videos. They’re helping me process my extremely upsetting breakup.
I used to think my DA ex was a psychopath because of his lack of emotion. My gran passed away and he would just sit next to me and watch me cry. No hugs, no comfort. Anytime emotional things came up and I talked to him about it, he would completely ignore the emotional or hard things and focus on the other things in the conversation.
This is so amazing Thais! If someone is an ENMESHED dismissive are they most likely to present as an FA or be leaning FA? Would love a video on this type and what they are need most in friendships and relationships, why they shut down so hard and don't communicate needs and boundaries, and what to do in response (how to communicate with them effectively to help them feel comfortable if they keep shutting down). Thank you 😊
Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation.
Secure people in specific situations can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences they way they approach situations or relationships.
I don't necessarily like the word fearful avoidant but rather conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.
I believe I am dating a DA type 2, the caring one. Have you made a full video on this type?
I was wondering why I resonated as a DA but felt that my desire to care for others and be able to hold some emotions wasn't explained. I feel like I am textbook people pleasing DA (although I did have my caretaker directly dump on me for most of my childhood). Please, I would love more content about this type!! I am in a mental health field and absolutely love emotion work and supporting people. However I completely knee jerk when I feel like anything emotional is put upon me without my consent. I feel like I have had trouble working through my DA attachment in therapy because the caregiving nuance seems to lessen some of the ways DAs can be hurtful in relationships, yet it definitely does influence how I try to meet my needs by myself and only allow my partner to have insight or affect some of my needs. My therapists seem to dismiss my kneejerking and emotional hesitation to take instead of give, and so I haven't been able to make much progress in addressing them.
@@Leshenn the PDS has been huge for me. I plateaued in talk therapy and was looking for something different. PDS has really moved the needle. It’s cheaper than 1 therapist appointment per month and much more productive.
@@joannemcclelland5271what is the PDS? Thank you!
This makes so much sense!! The people pleasing DA. Wow!! Please make a video on this.
Yes please do a video on people pleasing DA. My former partner would pull back in a very strong, alarming way that I had such a hard time responding to in a healthy way.
This was a great video to help me understand my partner more in a positive way . Two months ago me and my DA reconciled and things were great up until recently. I low key regret giving it another chance. We talk when he’s ready to talk, he answers questions when he’s ready to answer questions, we take breaks of silence when he wants to be silence, we fix problem when he’s ready to fix a problem, we have sex when he wants to have sex, we plan when he’s ready to start planning. Ik i have so much to work on personally to enhance my relationships , being with a DA seems to have stunt my growth and my love. Regardless of how much I love him, Being with him has became exhausting and hard . Everytime I’m ready to throw in the towel n allow the space between us to be there he randomly decides to be in a better mood towards me. I’m tired. I’m anxious attach style n I’m ready to focus on being a more secure attachment style with a healthier partner
Spot on. At least he seemed ro want yo make it work. Mine just throws me away, lied to bring me back in just to destroy everything time after time. Just like you, I love him but I can't live like thus anymore. It's much better to be alone (in a romantic relationship) than it is to be thriw away and lonely in a relationship.
Yes!!! You nailed it! Same way here. It’s utterly exhausting 😢
Wow that sounds awful. No relationship should be that way. That sounds very one sides even for a dismissive avoidant. He must know hes not treating you very good.
@@lc4life369 Even when you can open their eyes to their garbage behavior and bs, they still don't care.
In the process of ending a 10 year marriage with a DA. I'm exhausted, tired of doing all the heavy lifting, planning, talking, and everything. He avoids communication concerning intimacy, finances, basic healthcare, mental health, and life in general. Over time I've gone from 80% secure/20% anxious to 80% anxious/20% secure with resentment, contempt, and disdain for this relationship. We now live apart and do not communicate at all. If you're going to stay, be prepare to do the work of 2 people. If not my advice is to walk away while you still respect each other. 🤷🏾♀️😮💨
The categorisation is spot on ! Especially the first type of DA is related to my experience. Although I don't have an intimate relationship with them, I could recognise the traits. The problem is that , as an anxious preocupied person, I sense that they are very sensitive to criticism and I constantly supress my own needs out of fear to cause conflict. It is real hard for me to be assertive and practically deal with this DA...
Extreme DA here and I am very interested in being better. Wish I had known about this stuff decades ago.
Self awareness and the voilition to want to be better is 50% of the journey. Proud of you for wanting to break the cycle 💓
Can I ask, if someone had told you about it or suggested to look it up (because they would suspect you're a DA), would you have done it or felt pressured/labelled?
@@termiitos If I was told by someone I loved or respected, yes
Hey Thais 💖 One question that's been bugging me: can also friendships and peer-relationships from early childhood form your attachment style? I.e. If a kid couldn't connect with its peers or if it was bullied by them? Could that effect be so strong that it disrupts the attachment style even if the relationship with the caregivers was ok?
My guess would be yes but I am wishing @ Thais will answer this one!
Yessss I have been wondering about this for a long time too
Attachment styles can change from experiences and age so it's not far fetched
Attachment style is from the care giver.
Please list them on a screen.
My heart is breaking because I’m realizing that the man I love is an extreme DA. He’s never going to change.
Never say never. You both have to be willing to figure out what works best towards communication.
I personally prefer expressing intimate information or apologies through text or other written means bc it is difficult to open up verbally or physically sometimes.
Sometimes acts of love is performing acts of service rather than being overly physical or verbal.
Sometimes it can mean spending time together but not necessarily talking or touching. And this can be a hard thing to process.
But both have to be willing to set certain goals towards trying to strengthen your bond every day.
It can be as small as holding hands foe 5 seconds, then after 2 weeks for 10.
It can mean writing I love you every day or turning you back towards each other and saying it that way. Etc.
You've got to find out what works for you both and work towards improvement. If that's too much for you, then just learn to move on bc neither of you will be satisfied.
You're the prob seeking change in him rather than recognizing everybody is different. You just want him to be your remote controlled puppet. Unlikely to happen lol?
Please could you do a whole video talking about the enmeshed dismissive avoidant?
Social butterfly superficial not deep in conversation. Flaw finding where minor things are magnified. Repression of real childhood and replaced with an idealic view of childhood. Shove feelings down. Traditional dismissive avoidant repressed childhood abuse and claims they had normal or idealic childhood. Similar to extreme dismissive avoidant.
Ok so my ex was warm from the beginning and chased me and wanted commitment. The second I hurt him in some way, I guess triggering a core wound, he shut down and stilll cannot let go of the past or forgive-from things that happenedlike a year to a year and a half ago. What would his type be?
If you cheated, just leave. He'll always hold it over your head
@@dclarke2179 Specially if it’s a DA
If he wanted commitment, are you sure he is a DA, or rather a FA?
D Clarke-no cheating or anything close to it. Everyone thinks that was a factor because of how he acted when he did the breaking up
@lisabeth always I’m 98% sure he’s DA because he has all of the characteristics
My ex is TYPICAL people pleasing DA it is actually scary lol! Would love a more in-depth video about it!
Would he give you the silent treatment and get passive aggressive when mad at you? I'm trying to figure out my sister's attachment style and she pretty much fits into the description of the enmeshed DA. I was the one taking most of the emotional dumping from my mum and I am FA.
@@SD-vw8jd well no, but I think you'll need more info than solely this to figure out someone's attachment style!
@@estherh.1106 Of course! I'm watching a lot of Thais videos on all the attachment styles.
@@estherh.1106 Yes my ex DA would do this.
Are D.A.'s like this towards their child/children if they have any? Can anyone tell me if the child/parent dynamic is the same or different?
The second type, "indirect enmeshment da" or people pleasing da". Almost scarily accurate. I'm the youngest sibling, I didn't have to take care of my other siblings but I felt a lot of pressure to not cause any additional trouble because our lives were tumultuous and I felt so badly for my mom. I hope you do make another video on this type. Thank you for all of your compassion for people's life experiences. It's inspiring :)
I'm also the second type. I act so much like what was listed in the video. Damn. This is amazing to have as a resource.
Let's see if this relates among us:
Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation.
Secure people in specific situations can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences they way they approach situations or relationships.
Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't.
Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways.
Etc.
When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you.
Not necessarily fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.
It may possibly be because the description was so brief, but tbh I cannot grasp how her description of the 2nd type differs from healthy attachment with healthy boundaries. What am I missing?
Same here, I'm the youngest sibling and didn't have to care about anything but my mother would share how depressed she feels and my elder sister wouldn't listen to her much because she said she felt uncomfortable. I heard all her stories. And also how my father doesn't treat her right. I am very avoidant yet a people pleaser when someone approaches me. I've pushed away people many times due to avoidant tendencies but when they need reassurance I try to assure them, which I really don't need to especially when the other person is also at fault, but due to people pleasing tendencies I still seem to do it. And regret later. Thinking but I didn't get to say my part properly, and avoid even more. Who knows I might be FA as well.
I’ve questions about social DA, I can’t find much information on this attachment style. My friend is a social DA and she wants more info… she does not fully fit into the DA traits, I.e. she has no boundaries, she is very social, warm, love to be around people, she is not rational (she’s more emotional) etc. I thought she could be FA leaning FA but she does not fit lots of FA characteristics (like being hyper vigilant and hyper attuned, chronic guilt and shame etc). Could you create more content on social DA please Thais? ❤ thank you
I don't understand how you can know so much in so many details! It's amazing! You are saving so many relationships and helping us from so much heartache and anxiety! ♡
Yep, enmeshed DAs are a thing. In fact, I think my mother is a combination of the enmeshed DA and extreme DA. Yeah, she's trying to work on herself, but going to a therapist 1 hour a week isn't the same thing as being able to sit down with yourself on a consistent basis, genuinely feel your emotions, and do very intentional work to become in touch with your needs, feelings, and sense of self, boundaries etc. So, so avoidant because the emotions are so painful, but now I know that I need to find a way to be okay and be happy even if she never gets to a point of healing that I'd ideally want for her. And that's hard for me, as an FA who felt like I was responsible for my mother's happiness growing up. It's not my job to fix people, it's not my job to fix people, it's not my... Sigh.
Dear Thais,
Loved the video! Could you please do a more detailed explanation of an enmeshed dismissive avoidant as you mentioned you might do it, it would be really super helpful and eye opening since I have never found this information anywhere else. Thank you for all the great work you do!
Traditional dismissive avoidants rise up! Currently working through the free course though. At this point I am NOT opposed to diving deeper into myself and figuring out how to devise a more secure attachment style.
Really interested in what you had to say about the extroverted social DA. There's nothing on the web about this, but it's startling how accurately you describe someone I know.
Me too. I realized, that my love is exactly this tipe (extroverted) and I am the enmeshed one. So, now I can see why things just sooo complicated. But I can understand him like nobody else. And I love him. He knows it. The rest is not under my control.
Can two dismissive of different types be in a relationship?
Yes, my boyfriend is 1, and I'm 2. And I have exes that were 3 and 4. Definitely would be interested in videos on navigating our interactions
My wife is DA,she loves being around people,making new friends and goes overboard to endear herself to those she is impressed with,or they appear very interesting to her,she ,is too generous with her time and money,leaping in to fix their problems,and wants to be in these people’s pockets as much as possible,like an obsession.
Honestly...."if they don't feel supported they're out there" welp thats also why people leave THEM. I would so much rather be anxiously attached than avoidant and be SO blind to my own hypocrisy.
Thank you for explaining that there are different types of dismissive avoidants.
Are there different types of AAs?
Wondering the same thing
I will forward this suggestion to Thais and the team for a possible future video - PDS team member
This was extremely helpful as my ex DA was the enmeshed, people pleasing type and it was difficult to detect until the last year of the relationship, which made it even more difficult to let go because there was so much emotional investment by that time.
My ex would talk a lot about her day, what's stressing her out, even her traumas from the past. But I understand that emotional oversharing is a way to avoid vulnerability and intimacy with your partner because you never leave any space for your partner. She never tried to explore me or get to know me on a deeper level. But I can't help but feel we gave up too early.
She would mention how we are not emotionally connected or at that level, and it was making her insecure that the relationship was not going anywhere (she wanted to get married and her mom was also putting a bit of pressure on her). But when I would try to escalate, to have her meet friends/family, she'd get defensive about that, saying it's not worth the stress.
My ex was the same way. Talked about her day and stresses and her past and I was there for her as much as I could be. She even mentioned a couple times that she hopes to marry me someday that took me by surprise but I was happy to hear it. And we got closer and things became more normal. 2 months went by and we only saw each other a couple times a week which I don't think is too much especially in the honeymoon phase. But right after valentines she completely shut down and retreated like she was someone else. And she was cold and distant like she didn't even have any feelings towards me. After 2 weeks of that and me asking what was wrong and her not giving me an answer I confronted her and she wouldn't meet me and broke up with me. Telling me that everything was too much and I was becoming too much and she couldn't do it anymore. Me being a anxious attachment it destroyed me because I was so happy with her and didn't want it to end.
But were you REALLY happy?
My first dates with my social butterfly DA ex were mostly about her complaining about an old job. I shut my mouth for 3 seconds, she would continue yapping about it. Later on I joked about that and she displayed embarrassment but it was more like "Oh, I broke etiquette so hard there haha!" than "Oh my, I really got carried away didn't I."
I brought this tendency for parallel monologues up and she made fun of me for using "buzzwords". She is a highly intelligent and competent woman and somehow "parallel monologues" was too fancy for her? She claimed she didn't have any idea what I was talking about. What I was talking about was how our discussions often broke down into these almost competitive rants about things where we just egged each other on without really meeting anywhere.
When my turmoil about this conversation escalated and I started blaming myself for everything, her responses were "We should just drop this, I see no constructive way out of here" and "I appreciate people sometimes can struggle keeping their emotions in check." She had COMPLETELY shut down her emotional core for the conversation. Chilling shit.
i dated the first dismissive avoidant. the description is so on point.he has tons of hobbies and friends/acquaintances via these hobies. yet, he is one of the most closed off people i have met. Conversations were always 2- dimensional, zero depth. He told only once about how he feels about something and that was when we broke up and i was trying to explain myself, he did not understand me at all (i was trying to make up with him while he thought i was over-which was soooo strange because we spoke around 2 hours, face to face). He later explained he does not understand emotional conversations and therefore it makes him feel " frustrated" when someone (especially women) has an emotionally charged conversation with him...
Oh, wow, new subscriber here, think I just realized I'm a Enmeshed DA and have been my entire life.. Feel like something just clicked in my brain a little bit. Grateful for these videos, would love an expansive one of Enmeshed DA's! For me I think it maybe came from losing a sibling at a young age which caused separation-anxiety and subsequently a very enmeshed family dynamic?
Can the enmeshed and people pleasing DA come from being enmeshed by authoritarian parents?
Yes
i've always identified as a FA but the people pleasing DA sounds like me too!
ciera rose same!
The way to distinguish is (I think): FA craves connection and closeness but is terrified of it for fear of rejection and so creates distance or puts up walls; DA has learned not to crave or be aware of even “needing” connection as a result of having to heavily repress emotions as a survival mechanism during childhood, often due to neglect. So to varying degrees, they don’t really realize that they need anyone and closeness feels engulfing so they create distance
@@electricfishfan my exact experience too. I've recently been trying to identify my boundaries before they explode, and even knowing cognitively I need to do this / feeling in tune with my feelings and other people's needs otherwise, it's like I don't have a natural sense for when it's ok for me to ask for help and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm completely drained
You added a link about narcissism vs DA... in it you speak of validation for a DA and that too much will cause retreat. Is the validation regarding feeling? Or is it talking about feeling that causes the retreating? For instance one talks about a rough interaction at work... is it ok to come back the next day and ask if that situation is better or is this prying? Can you make a video on comfortable validation for a DA partner? You also mention DA can have a great deal of empathy and just need the right kind of questions to hear this... what are some good question stems for COMFORTABLE drawing them to open up some? Are most DA very logic, the MBTI with T rather than F?
i am just realizing i am a DA. i'm the enmeshed type. my last relationship (8 yrs) was with an EXTREME da (also likely npd) but now starting a new relationship i realize i am DA too, i'm sure that's the only reason i could handle 8 years with my ex.
Different types of DAs! This must be included in the advanced DA course?😊🙃💚🌿
Team people pleasing checking in. Thank you for allowing me to be seen.
I guess I'm an extroverted dismissive avoidant. When i heard her say that a dismissive avoidant would question everyone's way of reacting so emotionally strong to certain information or news. Well I've done exactly that! I've tried talking about it too, because it's still, to this day, something I genuinely don't understand. Tried talking to my dad, asked him why people have instant emotional reactions to ground breaking news, whereas I've never ever reacted that way, ever, and that i seem to be the only person i know who doesn't ever react that way to anything. My dad got pretty confused to say the least...
I just thought it was pretty neat. She straight up called me out like that.
Pursued the last DA mentioned… hurtful nightmare they’d go Mia for 2 weeks and thought it was normal
Finally i gave up and ran for the hills
my ex went MIA for 2 weeks too after being together for 2 years and got annoyed that I even commented on it. I ended it :( I've never been through more painful relationship
I like how I came here to learn a bit more about my Dismissive Avoidant girlfriend, only to learn that she's the "Extreme" version. Explains everything, and you literally described her to the LETTER. Though she exhibits traits of at least two others, she dominantly is the Extreme sort of DA. Sadly, and painfully, I am Anxious Avoidant. It hurts. I really like her, and I know she really likes me.
And therein lies the problem of being in a relationship without being healed
Very helpful. I had a pretty good childhood. But I learned a dismissive avoidant style from my father, who dealt with the world in this way. I know that he loved us, but he did not know how to express this emotionally. He showed it in other ways, mainly by teaching us technical skills and making things for us, which I am very grateful for. The sad thing is that as he came into old age, he became more and more withdrawn and unable to express himself. Luckily, he had my mother to be a spokesperson, somewhat. Now in my early 60s, I am beginning to understand this (with the help of videos like this). I learned many useful things from my father. In the end, maybe the most useful is that I do not want to follow in his footsteps any more. Thank you.
This is what I don’t understand its like i dont have the “wall “ but I don’t have any activation strategies neither…. its just fear of not being worthy of love with the feeling of not being good enough for relationships, its like missing a piece about being a human that prevents me from pairing with others in relationships, fearing what they gonna find just an emptiness and depression there is no life left in me and i fear being found out to be seen for what truly i am so i feel shame from own self and sabotage my happiness but there is that thing i just cant name about me this hideous nothingness
You're glowing in this, Thais!! I appreciate your videos.
Extroverted dismissive avoidant here... and you hit the nail on the head with not understanding other people acting out emotionally but not in a judgemental way. I think emotions are beautiful and never try to put down peoples emotions. I support people letting their emotions out and talking them over. But I am confused by them a lot of the time. Like I have only cried after one breakup my whole life. And I really enjoyed the light hearted "situationship" relationships before I was married. So I get confused when friends get really upset after each breakup. I want to support them but don't always know the best way how because that's not something I have ever felt.
Is it common for DA's to appear to have several personas that they switch between?
I think so my ex once mentioned something like that. About him having a mask. That what people see is not the real him. Moreover a da friend of mine once mentioned that when triggered to deactivate, something takes over them,they can't control this! He mentioned that it's like they are watching a movie of themselves. I am FA and i think i also experienced dissociation when i am anxious! I honestly can't control it. One time i drove to my ex DAs place because i was convinced that he's cheating! I tried talking myself out of this but the anxiety took over! I was asking myself if i knew how crazy this looks. But still i continued with this! It's like someone else took over, probably the traumatised child in me. So irrational, so hurt, it's crazy but i think this is true!
Thais, do you think people with ADHD might be more inclined to have a avoidant dismissive attachment style?
They are all HORRIBLE.
I really want to see a video on the enmeshed DA, that sounds so much like me even though I call myself an FA
Let's see if this relates, I only speak from personal experience:
Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation.
Secure people, in specific situations, can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences the way they approach situations or relationships.
Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't to prevent any conflict.
Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways.
Sometimes the easiest thing is to do acts of service and I suppose doing it back for the person helps rather than full blown go physical or verbal in reciprocating your affection bc that vulnerability is uncomfortable as emotions in the past have beeb percieved by the individual as a burden unto others.
When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you.
I wouldn't say this is an expression of fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.
Also, she was spot on with the whole sibling thing. And it can create sympathy towards the older sibling who has to take on that emotional baggage directly, sometimes being the mouth-piece/glue keeping relationships together or further preventing conflict.
You can see from an outside perspective that the older sibling is not always appreciated and often taken for granted.
Yet again, this is just from my own point of view and everyone is unique in their experiences and reactions.
I don’t understand why you’re starting with the assumption that one should be in a romantic relationship, and if one is single for more than five years, there is something wrong with them. Why?
Good point.
Because human beings are biologically wired for connection
@@julesD0222yeah, good point, almost. now let‘s get into evo.psych of inter-gender functional complementarity etc. not that I were into questioning that, but certainly the folks assuming human evolution transmuted into mere social engineering mode 70 yts ago are preparing to up walls now. blank-slaters, too.
I really would like to hear more about the enmeshed/people pleasing DA but i cant find any more videos about it. Thank you for all of this wonderful content, Thais.
Try Ken Reid.
She's a Social, and I'm somewhere between Trad and Extreme. This is going to take decades lol.
Omg I always felt this I have met few over a period of time. But always felt they were similar yet different . some are vulnerable in some ways than others.
My DA boyfriend is definitely #1. I suspect he also has ADHD. I was really confused by him at first until I found this channel and figured out what was going on. He didn't fit a lot of what people said in the comments on many PDS videos but they've been super helpful in navigating this relationship.
Why ADHD?
Yes, not knowing how a DA presents is super confusing. My DA and I had the classic early relationship bliss, but after about 3-4 months in, he started sitting down fast. He was also drinking heavily at the time, which added to the hot/cold. When he got sober (and still is, I'm so proud of him), I called out his shutdown behavior. I challenged his claims of not being a touchy-feely, emotional person because in the beginning he was. It was very, very rough for a while until I found this channel.
Soo, i'm meeting with extroverted( i've thought he's secure 😅
Hi Thais! This video was sooo very helpful. I have a question: do Enmeshed DA's get resentful as a result of the people pleasing like FA's do? My sister fits a lot with this description and what I observe is that she people pleases in some areas but for exercise with me she expresses a lot of boundaries (and I people please with her - I'm FA - because it's super difficult to assert myself with her, although I'm getting better with boundaries in general, she's still a hard one).
Thank you so much for all your work. I have never feel so seen and understood and treated with so much compassion in my entire life.
I have joined the school and I'm so excited. Sending love your way 💖
Would it be likely that someone who is DA could get a secure result from an attachment style quiz? (Since they are typically not as in touch with whats going on with their emotions?)
Great question! I wondered that too...
I only speak from personal experience:
Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation.
Secure people, in specific situations, can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences the way they approach situations or relationships.
4 type of DA
1. Extraverted or Social DA
- floater in the room
2. Master people-pleasing DA
- very caring and paying attention
3. Traditional DA
- A little bit charming and open and warm to a certain degree in the dating phase of a relationship
4. Extreme DA
-very uncomfortable discussing feeling to the point where very awkward for somebody else
Which one is your DA bf???
My ex was 3 leaning to 4.
My DA is no#1.
Master people-pleasing DA. Can't stand if I'm upset about something!
4
My sister is an extreme DA to the point where I doubt she will ever experience a romantic relationship as she also has no intention of healing. 😔
"Lukewarm" for the energy of the social DA is spot on. I dated one. She would enthusiastically engage with my friends over a board game and then when I asked if she would stay the night she said no. She stayed at my apartment socializing until 2 in the morning, chatting everybody up and then leave me hanging. I'm not owed intimacy by default but it was bizarre. She didn't even live in my neighborhood but a good 40 minutes away on public transit! She took an Uber from my place to get to hers.
Wonderful Info....Very happy to see lately so much info about my attachment style.....
I was watching a series on youtube where someone mentioned they thought someone was a dismissive avoident because they ghosted them but didnt have a reason. So now im wondering if i am a dismissive avoident. I am a very avoident person due to social anxiety (not just in relationships). I get soooo anxious about new relationships and it effects me so much that i rather just not try anymore. And the other person usually thinks im a jerk always finding excuses not to hang out with them ect. But truth is im avoiding them because i really like them. I have gotten past that stage with one person only and we were in love. But most people wont put up with it more than a couple weeks. I dont know if that makes me dismissive avoidant or not??? I havent really heard anyone talk about it in that way. Im not avoiding being hurt and i dont have a hard time admitting to having feelings for someone ive been with . Im avoiding the intense anxiety that makes it so i cant eat and feel sick and week and disapointing people when i make excuses. . And i have a very hard time talking with people in person when im crushing on them in the first couple weeks. So people get uninterested quick i think. Or they just move on because they dont think im as interested as i truely am. Honestly its a lonely life and i hate it. But i dont know if that makes me a dismissive avoidant or just someone with alot of anxiety that avoids most social situations to avoid feeling that way.
That’s why I was so confused - my ex is an extroverted DA
Been trying to figure out if my partner is an enmeshed DA or DA leaning FA. Please make a video on the enmeshed DA. Would love to know if their people pleasing aspect can actually interfere with their relationships, i.e. when they people pleased with their friends to the point where it interferes with their romantic relationship.
Let's see if this relates, I only speak from personal experience:
Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation.
Secure people, in specific situations, can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences the way they approach situations or relationships.
Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't to prevent any conflict.
Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways.
Sometimes the easiest thing is to do acts of service and I suppose doing it back for the person helps rather than full blown go physical or verbal in reciprocating your affection bc that vulnerability is uncomfortable as emotions in the past have beeb percieved by the individual as a burden unto others.
When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you.
I wouldn't say this is an expression of fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.
Also, she was spot on with the whole sibling thing. And it can create sympathy towards the older sibling who has to take on that emotional baggage directly, sometimes being the mouth-piece/glue keeping relationships together or further preventing conflict.
You can see from an outside perspective that the older sibling is not always appreciated and often taken for granted.
Yet again, this is just from my own point of view and everyone is unique in their experiences and reactions.
Wow. This was an interesting video. I am a traditional DA. There were few times in my life where I had shifted somewhat into to extreme DA version. I am curious to know about types of AAs I do think there are introverted AAs and a pattern I have observed is that they are excessively good with respecting boundaries. I am curious to know about other types of attachment styles as well. People pleasing DAs definitely shocked me initially.
Roshall As a DA do you hate cuddling? If so why? lol Im dying to know this!
@@suras8984 Yes I get uncomfortable with cuddling and the reason for this is our fear of intimacy when we get physically close it activates our subconsciously stored negative associations with closeness.
@@suras8984 as a DA I hate physical closeness and touching but also there is another reason for me being aversed to being touched. Anyway, I think it also depends on the individual's love language. Some may not have touching as their love language too.
I feel my ex is the first plus the second. He comes off strong in the beginning. He wants to communicate plans was very firm.He has a depressed undertone. He does well in social settings like random people at party and he likes them. He has friends but not open to heart type of close(The emotionally close one are all back at home not here). He leaning towards more taking my expression of feelings than express his own(Which for some period I was like this person doesn't feel shit(tb accurate, not expressive as me but for sure he feels)). But he has difficulties to express for sure. It's quite interesting because he sometimes makes me feel he has strong emotion but his coping way is for sure just to push it away and talk himself out it...
So, in other words, I'm never going to be a normal young adult who engages in normal, happy romantic relationships because I'm dismissive-avoidant?
Well, I guess it finally makes sense now. I've already accepted I'm incapable of easily being in relationships like my friends and other people my age or being an interest to literally anyone, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore that this will be my lot in life 😐
No, you can change there is literally a bunch of videos on this channel to help you start your journey. I was before i found about attachment theory in so much mess and anxiety being close to some people who are DAs but i learned to self sooth and i understand that DAs dont do this to hurt other just as many people who watch this channel. I encourage you to keep searching to become more secure and i promise you that you can start to feel your emotions and that you can be brave expressing them once you put enough work in. Go 1 little step a time.:)
Can you speak on social DA more? Or if you have experience with DA taking SSRI and it “turns on” emotions and how that changes them.
Sales pitch until 2:50, video starts around 2:55
Thank you, what would you say about DAs who can ignore close relatives or co-parents for years or decades? I am a disorganised/anxious-avoidant and my daughter's mother is an extreme DA. How can I support my daughter when her mother denies my very existence?
Can we get a video on the enmeshed/ people pleasing avoidant please
So very accurate, thank you. That is what this guy is. Very sociable, but quite shy in the dining room itself. Never in the centre spotlight. But very much liked by people. Smile, twinkling eyes, handsome, avoids deep topics, even if he is engaged in charities etc. Keeps topics light. Avoidance tends to get worse as years go by. When we dated 22 years ago he was more open.
I feel like the extroverted or social dismissive avoidants fits me very well but I’m not extroverted actually and I don’t even want to meet people much or join big groups of people because it just drains me out too much but emotions are too much always no matter if it’s strangers or friends/family or partners. I don’t even know what I’m feeling most of the time and I do understand and see what someone else feels like but like she said, I don’t often understand why someone is so emotional about things. Thought I’m not very sensitive about criticism… I think. But I don’t get criticism often. And I do “work” on it which I found out is also a way of dealing with emotions and thoughts by just simply analyzing and trying to understand everything instead of actually feeling it.
I'd like to see more on the people pleasing DA
I’ve only done online tests but come up as dismissive avoidance.. I do relate to most of the things.. but I can be overly emotional as in I will cry (or try not to cry) about things that most people don’t cry.. i had a good childhood but I do remember mum saying to me a lot from when I was around 5yrs things like.. “ohhh why are you crying again? I’m only talking to you?? Why are you crying I can’t even talk to you without you getting upset” in a fed up frustrated tone.. and I remember even more tears coming and wishing I could stop them cos I didn’t want to upset her even more and I didn’t want to cry but it was happening and I couldn’t stop the tears no matter what I tried
Is there gonna be different types of all attachment videos?
stay tuned! - PDS team member
Please make a video on the people pleasing DA! My boyfriend and I had a wonderful date where we were so happy he suggested we start making plans to get married. But the next day he deactivated completely, lashed out at me when he came back, (almost as intense and volatile as an FA, but I'm sure he's the enmeshed DA) and he's been behaving this way ever since that day! Help!
So, was that video about "enmeshed or people-pleasing dismissive avoidants" ever made? Can't seem to find it.
Is the avoidance because of shame associated with the topic? Like they have had bad experiences before, so they may not want to have conversations regarding certain triggering topics?
Can a person be a combination of the first three types?
This helps so much… I’ve been dating recently and as an AP, DAs are magnetically attracted to me which makes them harder to avoid haha, but they are often different in subtle ways that have sometimes made it hard for me to figure out immediately they’re DA.
The people pleasing DA is the missing puzzle piece for me.. definitely going to do some research on them!
Jeez get to the point already
The enmeshed DA sounds relatable down to my older sibling being the "buffer" of our parents' emotional dumping 😬
Not at all avoidant of deep conversations and emotions. None of this describes me. Basically, I do not feel attracted to most men, especially if they are attracted to me, I tend to shut them down in disgust because they aren't good enough in some way, but the ones I'm attracted to are emotionally unavailable and don't work out. I've decided I'm better off alone it's easier.
Dear Thais thank you for another great video I so appreciate ❤️
I have a big question Thais, is it possible that a DA can be at the same time a narcissist too?
Gentle hugs
some of the things might seem like they are narc. but Da and Narc have specific differences. th-cam.com/video/juzU3XDblYQ/w-d-xo.html
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks so much for your kind reply, I will have a look
Dear Thais, I am since a year with a DA in a relationship, since March we are committed...and I was feeling in his typical DA tendencies that after a few months something is wrong... no emotion, no affection...and we are both been through a extremely tough time in our both life's and I tried to empathize and stepping back in my needs, support him and be there whenever he needed me and I am starting feeling more and more abused...last night we had a conversation and he admitted he has no romantic feelings... I thought I was breaking...falling apart....
He says he is just so stressed in business (he lost everything and is now about to starting a new company), and I am supporting him financially too...
But somehow he cares about me and I really feel it when he does practical things...
He wants us to be together, but I can't have a relationship and not express love...
I am totally distraught about this and I don't know how to handle this situation because for me he is the one and...Just feeling so sad, I have cried myself to sleep as he left and its very awful...
I would appreciate advice and thoughts very well.
Hugs to everyone xox