A grooming, phony play…. Amazing how I was played. I’m totally embarrassed about how I was fooled. We were married in five months, and two years later I was ready to run! Thirteen years later, I am finally leaving. Wow! What a total waste of my precious time.
Hi Parisizzles. Your comment triggered a memory. I found my nex's hidden cocaine, called her out, and I got blamed for leaving the door open so someone could plant it! Versions of this happened multiple times, and I saw the 'dance', as you say, every time
@@RobSlopezJr Yet, anyone near them don't think they are a problem at all... Because the narcissists make them believe that *you* are the problem... It's a whole relationships system they are able to deceive... And we have to face it, in order to let the short-circuit blowing up in their hands (when they want that their target/victims blow up) ... We have to manage to stay out of it . Not easy. But doable , with a good healthy practice...
Somehow, I began to think of myself more like my accuser did. I never recognized while IN the narcissist relationship that I was slowly losing myself and becoming Brainwashed but later I heard it in myself. The phrase “I’m sorry “ dropped from my lips so quickly and often that it was quite sobering and telling to me.
My ex narc didn't seem to mind repeating similar patterns, especially financial mistakes. One thing that stood out to me was his tendency to pretend to be happy (around other's, but not at home). There was an expectation that you had to follow suit. You weren't allowed to have a bad day, or be a little irritable if you felt bad. It was always "smile...why aren't you smiling". Of course this made me even more irritable. I think in some crazy way they think that if they pretend enough, their delusions will come true.
I recognise the 'pretending to be happy' thing. Also, fake laughter and a party attitude when the occasion didn't warrant that. They can't seem to live in the reality of any situation
I have asked my narcman ( my short term)” Why “ , so many times I have given it up.🙄25 years of NOT KNOWING what in the world was going on with this guy and feeling the condemnation and guilt that I hadn’t done/been enough to keep my Christian home together. Now that I DO KNOW what I am dealing with and the mental gymnastics that I have been subjected to……. Uh uh !!! Believe what you see once The Show starts ( because it WILL) and get out quickly; otherwise you’ll be in for more pain and betrayal and lies while you are little more than the one causing THEM pain!!! 🫨😖😫😳
AWWWWW Dr. C….. I just got done listening to your video and you have such a big wonderful heart and we just love you so much here. God bless you and your dear dear family and Gus. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
My wife snooped on my secret journal talking about all things Narcissism and all that I think about her and our relationship. She is now using this newfound information (that she found and read without my permission) to bully me and claim that I can't be trusted and I keep secrets and refuse to be honest with her. I don't know how to get out of this one, I feel like I made a horrible mistake not hiding my journal better but I also feel like she had no business reading it. And now every single conflict is centered on the words of my journal.
The last ever counseling session I did with my ex wife didn’t go well. I was tired of focusing on feelings and wanted to focus on the things that actually happened or were happening so we could finalize the process for healing and closure so true forgiveness was capable. Yet as soon as I started bringing up things that were happening or happened she would just deny those events. I just stood up and looked at her and the counselor. Told the counselor to charge me for the session (2 hours for 30 minutes) because we were going back home. My ex wife looked at me and said she didn’t trust going back home with me. I looked at her and asked if she would be able to have someone else to pick her up and she said yes. I looked at our counselor asked her if she would stay with her until she was picked up and she said yes. I walked out and went back home. She didn’t have to ride home with me but I understood that I was not required to stay either for a counseling session with lies.
@@susanmercurio1060 .. my issue at the moment is all of my 4 children seem to be fine except my 2nd child. He shows a lot of similarities to his mother at the age he is now 16. I’m hoping he is just young but he has a closer relationship to his mother than I do
Whoever sent in that question about the narcissist not answering texts or calls claiming they are busy might as well have been me.😅 That was one of their most annoying patterns. And they always came back with "I'm busy" and would rage at me whenever I called them out for it.
My narcissistic family member constantly claims busyness as a way of keeping people distant. There were times when we’d agree I’d visit her at home, and she wouldn’t be there. After making me wait, she’d arrive as if everything was just fine-until she picked a fight about something completely off topic. I long thought it was my oversensitivity. I’m so glad for groups like this are reframing these difficult relationships.
I recognise what you're saying. My experience was, if it was ME that couldn't answer, or I didn't answer straightaway, I'd get accusations thrown at me for weeks about 'what I was up to'
Whenever I phoned my Mom, who was a middle aged stay at home housewife, she was ALWAYS too busy to talk. Once I rode my bike 45 minutes to visit her at a pre-arranged time. I arrived a few minutes early, just in time to see her locking up and heading out. She wasn't expecting me to arrive early . She wanted me to bike 45 minutes and find no one home.
The narcissistic character is so very well hidden to the individuals that they want it to be hidden from but to the suffering spouse and the immediate family it is a very loud visible and apparent grief and hardship that can put an entire family in such disarray leaving everybody scratching their heads and some of the characteristics that come forth out of these individuals is totally unbelievable to others I always tell people if you have not lived with a bona fide genuine narcissist you would think the things I tell you about what I've went through are exaggerated or completely lies because it is so bizarre to the individual that did not live with a narcissist they can't comprehend that a human being could be so cruel and creepy, and the aftermath and the trail of trauma and pain that a narcissist leaves his family with is so disheartening and sad and can take many years to bring balance back into their emotion and psyche from the narcissistic abuse😥
Thanks for my click, thanks for my fix, it's a honor for me, this go team healthy, here in Texas, plus this community, our gus, The best questions, far out, Webinar, also, guess what, you folks rule, I'm grateful,
What is bad is when you have to explain to kids that someone is "not very organized", so that when they say something is going to happen, it means they think it would be fun, but since they are not very organized, we will just have to wait and be pleasantly surprised if it happens. They also like to exclude you from events and then talk about how much fun those events were when they see you. Sometimes they want to make the point, to your face, that they are better than you and you are not wanted.
'I really don't know what you're talking about.' Not one acknowledgement that they really weren't fair. That's impossible. All humans are imperfect. That's the epitome of avoidance. The epitome of contempt is when they say that to someone they've repeatedly been cruel to. That defies humanity. 😪
15:51 YES! For the friend of the freind married to the narc. There was a friend in my life who said one simple sentence to me “didn’t this very same thing happen last year?” I didn’t realize that I was on a merry go round with a guy I was dating until a friend kindly and gently pointed it out to me. Sometimes people just need love and patient support. I pray your friend finds her way out.
Thank you, Dr. C. I was staying with him as he was close to death and heard him say, “Please don’t let my kids hate me.” I truly believe that he was talking to God and repenting for his selfishness and control of us. He was a strong Catholic man.
Please don’t badmouth my dad. He was a good man who helped a lot of needy people and would have given them the shirt off his back. He was just controlling and selfish with his family.
@@ro7547 I mean no disrespect and I am talking about people in general here, I have watched over 200 videos like this one in the last 4 years and I have learned, concerning the people in my past, that a kind, caring, loving person is kind to everyone especially to their own family. I'm sure you dad was a caring good person.
They're just pointing out to you how it was unfair to you and your family to put up with all the garbage while the public got his good side. If he truly repented, that's awesome, but yet again, as these other folks are getting across, it could be some sort of ruse or act to put guilt on you.😢 I hope and pray that he learned his lesson. I can't help but wonder if there truly is any genuine connection between you two before he passed. I'm hoping so.
I'm really thankful to a friend who convinced me to explore the possibility that my husband is a narcissist. For years I simply thought I was dealing with an immature and selfish person who at the core was kind and caring. Now I am learning the skills to deal with a covert narcissist and am seeing results, mostly reclaiming and developing my unique personhood. While this doesn't change my spouse, it has changed me. I feel more in control of my life, am triggered less and know how to let go of the inner turmoil my spouse is feeling because it has nothing to do with me.
Dr. C's point about narcissistic projection being related to co-dependency at 21:50 ... While a narcissist is commonly co-dependent (i.e. the forward n->co correspondence is highly true), being co-dependent does not necessarily imply narcissism (i.e. co-dependant group also includes some people that are the antithesis of narcissism: empathetic people). My understanding is that co-dependency does not necessarily imply narcissism; i.e. some co-dependency (need for external validation in order to feel well) are not cluster-B. My experience, is that some co-dependent people are cluster-C (fear based characteristics), for example.
When a narc visit's a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Psychotherapist...it's a tactic they use as part of their narrative as a preemptive strike or weaponize during their discard & smear campaign. It creates their "perfect storm." Narc to family/friends.. 1) " The abuse was so bad...I had to be treated professionally as I just couldn't take it anymore. And my Psychotherapist even agreed w/me." Meanwhile, after raging at the healthcare professional for being called out, the narc was kicked out. However, the narc knows they're protected w/patient confidentiality, therefore, can create the narrative of choice & nobody can prove otherwise.
I've been accused of being passive aggressive and also defensive. I don't think I sulk though. And I always respond to messages (unlike the ones in my family who accuse me of being passive aggressive)
I really appreciate everyone's support here. Being on the live chat for this vid was like rocket fuel for the healing journey. Keep listening and learning, folks. A few months (or years) of learning here and you will not look back. Survive and thrive!🙏
I have seen several instances in my family in which one person has a disagreement with a cousin, and then the cousin airs their "side" of the story to one of their own children, and then that child contacts the "offensive" cousin to jump to their mother's defense. I know this is triangulation. Can there be a number of reasons why a person would run to their mother's defense whenever their mother is challenged?????? Is this because they have bought into their mother's "stuff" and must defend mama in order to remain in mama's good graces?????
I am finding (after wondering if my father was narcissistic) that the things I would really like to ask aren't appropriate go bring up at this time. But (now) this is the father that I knew loved me as a youth, despite my mother. For so long there was such a divide between us and I never thought we would get here. Whatever drove him to do and say hurtful things it is gone in him.
Interested to think about Nic grooming of children. Maybe you could talk about that more sometime. In addition to complaining and sulking as methods for Vulnerability Ns to maintain control, I might say that I have observed that they are also ways to garner sympathy, I.e., validation.
I love when Dr. C says that he's on to someone! It's so funny to me and such a cool way of making his point about seeing through nonsense without being confrontational or negative in any way. Lol ❤
I love Eore! Eore speaks reality...Murphy's Law...if something can go wrong, it will. Eore reminds us to be grateful for all of the good things in life. I told a friend the other day...I'm part wild mustang and part Eore. ;>)
Thank you for everything you do! Can you talk more about the brainwashing of children? The mini-men’s? Is this the same as parental alienation? I have three adult children who treat me with contempt. My Ex is a vulnerable narcissist. This has now started extending to My grandchildren. I have tried to discern if they are narcissistic themselves or have been alienated. Thank you again. Glad to hear Gus is OK!
When I hear about projection, it seems that alot of the time it is described as it being projected onto you and not neccesarily that the narc admits to the feeling as well. However, I experienced that "I should feel guilty" because my step MIL feels that way. During her lecture/interrogation of us, she openly said that she feels guilty not being able to work. Was she being vulnerable to benefit herself in the moment? I guess to drag me down to her level? She assigned feelings to my husband as well because his father and him "are the same and won't admit their real feelings." My husband and I regularly talk about our decision for me to quit my job and go back to school. Little does she know, every few months, we check in with each other to make sure we are both still feeling okay with the decision. I have felt guilt in the past and my husband very much encourages me to keep going with our plan. Very odd that anyone would feel the need to assign feelings to others especially over something that doesn't involve them. Thank you Dr. C! Your videos are always appreciated!
I was suicidal as a teen and I had been taken to the 51/50 ward a couple of times. My narcissisitic ex used that info against me. Well, kind of. I was with her in my mid 20s to early 30s. I was still young (funny thing was she was older than me) and not depressed like i was back then, but she took advantage of my dad dying before I got with her. In an argument, she would call me names, overreact, and then bring up my history. I don't think she really listened though, because she would say things like i was crazy and try to get me to believe i did and say things i know i didn't. I think she thought i went to the psyche ward for dementia or she thought i was a schizophrenic. She often would say she wasn't going to let me use my intelligence against her. I never thought i was better than anyone and i thought the first time i heard about people wondering who the smartest person in the room is, i thought "Who thinks like that?" After a while, she had me wanting to commit suicide again. Why do we let these type of people do things like this to us? I actually haven't dated anyone in over a decade, because I just figured maybe it is me, after my last girlfriend. I dont think she was a narcissist, but she was a compulsive liar and for what i thought was no reason. To me it wasn't even necessary. I only recently learned what a narcissist actually is. I identified individual traits in my ex, but had no idea certain traits combine to make this disorder. I guess we can never know what others are really thinking, but looking back, i have remembered certain bad individuals did what is called "love bombing." When it happened, i remember thinking it was just silly, because there was no way what they were saying was true, but i guess to them, what they were saying was a compliment. I just shrugged it off as silly. Now, i will be more attentive when it happens again and see if they later show other narcissistic traits. Thank you, Dr. C, you are a Godsend.
I so enjoy your midweek sessions and I am enjoying your shorts, as well. I was wondering if you could touch on the four main trauma responses: flight, fight, freeze and fawn?? For the past 2 years I have really beaten myself up. My older sister and I, and occasionally my older brother, took care of my mother as she lay dying. Both of my siblings are very narcissistic, covert and malignant, and I dare say sadistically so. I grew up with extremely narcissistic parents, to boot. Like I said I really beat myself up during the time my mother was dying because I felt like I was so compliant to them, so I learned fawning was my best option. I realize now that was the only way I could protect myself. When you referenced narcissistic grooming it really hit home for me I highly respect the work and information that you give. ❤
My ex always tried to slate his kids mum and call her out and it was so uncomfortable to see I told him he should not disrespect their mother no matter what happened between them both.. I found that awkward and then he sometimes said they have been brainwashed by her and she was turning them against him if they hadn’t been in touch that much.. I let him play the victim because people who he is showing the video of me obviously also knows I must have been pushed to my limit because they know me better than he thought he did…
No, and they never learn arguing with a judge gets them no place..SMH 30 days is too long for him to have to sell the house, He will use all 30 days and stir the pot in those days... Praying I survive this mess.
Be careful with faults and vulnerability with an unhealthy person, they will use it against you and or set you up when you are around people....to make you look bad.... while they are there calm and collective....
Hi Dr C/Les. Did you see my comment about how you could put “super thanks” on your comments so that people can make a donation to you if they want to. It is a little heart that goes next to the comment the person is making. If they click on it different options come up for donation amounts. I think you would get so many of them. After watching I feel like contributing to you and many others will as well. Sent with much gratitude and love for everything that you are doing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You have saved my life over the last nearing two years since my separation. It’s like you were sent from heaven to help me, just at the pivotal moment of need, to understand what has happened. I was so confused and hurt. I would love to participate in supporting you in any way I can just as you support us. Take extra special care. I hope your throat comes right soon. You do so much. I hope you look after your precious self so well. Very best regards, Andrea.
Thank you again Dr. C for more helpful insights. I'm wondering now in regard to the vulnerable narcissist - can a consistent hypochondriac, who is passive aggressive, frequent user of the silent treatment be a vulnerable narcissist?
For a narcissist, it is imperative that you reflect their perfection back TO them. (Making sure you only say things to them that are totally admiring and validating when you’re together.) Also, in public, you must be a good reflection OF them. (You must LOOK good, smart, beautiful, well-dressed, etc, because they only want to be seen with “perfect” people, like themselves.
I wish I knew how to deal with two elderly parents who were both already narcissistic in their personality, who now forgot what they previously said. The nasty comments are therefore repeated even more! It's a smack in the face that now my mother expects me to feel bad for her that my father is more difficult, but neither one thinks how hard it is for me to deal with their negativity or their forgetting. I'm ill myself and they do nothing to constructively help their situation. It's worse now than in ever was and im too old and sick to deal with it. They just won't seek help for themselves
It's like they are oblivious to themselves. Oblivious to our reactions. After watching them, I concluded that they just don't. Sigh. It became, how do I change what I do.
Hi Doc C. I regularly listen to your videos on narcissism; you do such a great job and thank you for that. I am learning a lot. I find it very difficult to understand how a person can spend so much energy making a mask, a false identity built solely for the gaze of the other. It must be exhausting. What about spontaneity in all of this? Is there room for it? Which brings me to the following question: is it possible for a person with this disorder to be totally unconscious of being a mistaken construction based on the return effect expected by him of his projected image? With an inability to introspect? Or he is aware of his weaknesses and therefore deliberately strives to hide them? When you explain the different cases in your videos I get the impression that the narcissist is a totally aware manipulating monster and that he is always in the pre-reflected mode, that nothing is spontaneous or natural. A bit like an army general who prepares the smallest step of his troops forward. Is it possible that, in the heart of him, he tries to be a good person without realizing his wrongness? The narcissist we all know "is perfect" so how can he be aware of its faults at the same time? Is he lying to us knowingly or is he really convinced of what he claims to be, to say and do? From this point of view, his life must be hellish, thinks of all the preparation that this requires to act, on a daily basis, with all of his entourage. For him his life has nothing to live and let live. So the gentle and peaceful life, for him, is it impossible? I pity that person. I cannot imagine what it is like to live constantly in the eyes of the other. What a miserable life. See you at the next vidéo Doc. P.S. I use a translator french to english. Hopefully the result is not to bad.
My husband repeatedly cheated and lied Abt it but still came home every night to make me believe he wanted me but the fighting was non-stop. Only time we didn't fight was when he was sober and in jail begging me not to leave him he was sry so I'd stay. He'd get out and back to old self. Y the hell is it soooo hard to let him go? I cry every day but it didn't hurt him to cheat on me 2weeks B4,we were to renew our vows and to act like I never existed in his life, and she is soooo perfect everything he did he told her I did to him! Our divorce is almost final and I never asked for it I just wanted him to stop doin what he was doing and we'd be fine but he didn't get that😢😢 how do you let to?
Do they care if they repeat the same problems? Most of the time I don't think they even are aware they're repeating anything-good or bad. It's all about what works for them in that moment. PS YAY FOR GUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I join your support group? My ex of 10 years has turned my 18 year old daughter against me. I had to throw her out because she started terrorising me just like he had done. Now I’m afraid to leave my house due to their joint smear campaign against me in our smallish town. I know it’s not ok to pass judgement on a teenager but I fear I’ve got 2 narcissists in my life now and that I’ll never get her heart back. Any recommendations?
My notes: 25:14 Question: How can malignant narcissists be protective of their children in the same way as normal caring people? Dr. C: That phrase ‘as normal caring people’; they're not. They're not doing it the same. It looks the same but they're doing it for very different reasons. There's a thing that we refer to as narcissistic grooming. They'll be friendly and kind and all the rest, but it's a ruse. “If you see me as being a really nice person, then I can slip in when the time comes and be as controlling as I want because I now have a reputation of being a really nice person.” Their goodness unfortunately can be a phony front. They can give the appearance that they're being normal, but it's a grooming process. And the narcissist has the advantage of literally having their child from day one. When you see that a person is mean to people in public but then they're doting towards their own kids, trust me, it's a ruse. Typically that child can grow up and either be just like them or the child eventually realizes ‘I was played’. You seeing the malignant side of the narcissist is not false. The falseness is coming from the way they manage themselves with their own kids. 30:02 You can’t force somebody to see something they're not ready to see. Now obviously, if there are some major issues that like the mother-in-law is being abusive to the children or the mother-in-law is asking the daughter to join her in in hate toward other individuals, then I think it's appropriate to call it out. But again, the readiness factor has to be there. Sometimes if you're on team healthy you can see things in other individuals simply don't want to see, at least not yet. 35:03 Question: What about when they don't respond to your text messages or return calls or keep playing the super busy card when clearly they're not that busy. Is that a passive aggressive narcissistic tactic? Dr. C: Yes. What you have here is a disconnect between what they say and what really is. Clearly, that person is lying and they can they can lie with a smile on their face and they can lie while they're acting friendly. What they're saying through their behavior is different than what they're saying verbally. “I need to be in control and so I just want to give the impression that I'm really friendly and really engaging but it's all a lie.” 42:31 Question: What is your take on narcissists who withhold affection or sex or closeness? Dr. C: This is not at all an un an unusual kind of thing. This is yet another illustration of the passive aggressive tendencies that narcissist can have. It's like, “I'm not doing that.” And when you ask why, it's like “I'm not in the mood.” or “I don't know.” Typically, kindness and affection and affirmation is a way of saying “I really like knowing you from the heart level”, but the fact that they will choose that as a means putting some distance between you. It's their way of saying, “I don't like the empathy thing. Tenderness that means that I have to become vulnerable and I don't want to be vulnerable because that means that you're going to see that I have my frailties or I have my needs. I don't really like opening up to people.” When they seem to be disinterested in being kind and tender it's their way of saying, “If I approach you in a heartwarming kind of way then I need to look at myself at a heart level and I don't do that.” Their shield is so thick and so lasting that they'd rather just say “I'm busy” or “I have other things” or they’ll just make themselves unavailable. But it’s an ongoing cover-up of their fear of their own vulnerability. 44:16 Do narcissists care if they repeat the same old problems and the answer is well they keep doing it. There are so many elements that go along with the narcissistic pattern that inhibit an individual from being insightful. So if you're the kind of person that says ‘I like to break things down and I like get down at that heart level’, let's be honest that it may be that you'll need to find a different person to do that with because the narcissist is way too committed to their false self. That’s what they’re invested in it.
My spouse and I are considering doing an intervention with an elderly narcissist who is being taken advantage of by some caregivers. Our attempts to intervene one-on-one with the narcissistic elder have been met with derision, contempt, anger and ultimately, being shut out of her life. My spouse thinks it would be a futile effort, but I am wondering what you think. What if were able to assemble a group of other caring friends and relatives who are also concerned to join us in an intervention with a skilled therapist. What are the odds it might succeed?
Narcisists don’t care about you or if they destroy you in the process of pursuing their selfish wants and desires. They have no love and are dangerous to be around. I don’t want to have anything to do with them.
Dr C, my X narcissist was kind to everyone, including those he worked with for many years, except for me and his son from another marriage. He had 2 girls and one son with his previous wife. He was behind the scenes very verbally abusive to me and his son. I do not understand how he can be so kind to every one else and so evil towards me and his son. No one on the outside would believe if I told them what he was really like. By verbally abusive I mean, he would block me in a room and yell at me for hours using biblical scripures to call out all the ways I fell short. He would hear nothing from his son or I that was contradictory to his opinions.
My narcissistic brother-in-law is very emotionally abusive, mostly to me. He is rude, dismissive, condescending, and belittling, many times when others in the family aren't within ear-shot. I tell my husband what happens, and he sympathizes to a degree, but plays nice with him and never stands up for me. He says things like, "well, I wasn't there". The rest of the family also enables my brother-in-laws' overall angry and frustrated personality, so I know they won't do anything but look the other way. I'm tired of having to convince my husband to not make excuses for his brother's poor behaviour and start setting boundaries. Any advice Dr C??
That is almost my exact situation, but it is my sister-in-law who is married to my husband’s brother. My husband does not back me at all. The in-laws just want peace and harmony, so the behavior is minimized and swept under the rug. I’m not sure I can stay with a man who refuses to stand up for me. He is more worried about offending them they he is about hurting me! He is an enabler.
I would like to hear more about real verses fake apologies during hoovering emails. Always emails or texts. He also never really states what he did wrong, it is always he feels regret and how he wishes for a do over. Over my dead body! Why would he dump me only to try & get me back? Could this be a form of revenge? Because I am no contact for 3 yrs....( only emails / texts) , I am well aware he is very passive aggressive. I find the whole situation funny and yet I would like your opinion.
I’ve also since that phone call with the therapist.. my friend who is also his friend but he tells you the truth without realising .. I was videod a few weeks ago when I finally told him it’s the end and I was giving him it back and yes annoyed giving him a few home truths after being subjected to scrutiny for lying cheating I’m not really real.. I was just done.. now apparently his ex wife was a bully and would intimidate him and then he would react to her obviously we are allowed to stand up for ourselves.. apparently she videoed him in a state so he would look like that crazy one but not video her antagonism he said typical narcissist.. my friend rang me earlier saying he sorry it hasn’t worked out but he is showing everyone in the pub that video of me giving it to him.. the police asked if I had ever recorded him and I said no but he told me he had videoed my crazy behaviour.. well I have reported that he is sharing a video around about me and not the part where I was being subjected to his bullying behaviour and is that allowed from him I’m apparently a cheap slut my friend said he used to do that with his ex wife and he had switched behaviour in him a few times and also he’s back messaging a woman I felt I he wasn’t being honest about .. he had apparently left his/‘my friend on his own and spent the night with her.. but apparently I was being jealous and insecure and I need to sort my insecurities out.. I always go with my gut and he’s already messaged her within a week of us splitting up a she’s now in a relationship and she wasn’t interested .. he expected her to still be interested in her.. he wasn’t that upset about us splitting up and trying to get sympathy from women already.. that’s what a true narcissist does they can move on so fast 😂
I spent several years asking your same question, as I endured severe emotional, verbal and physical abuse from my nex. The answer for me, and I think for many, is to first, get away, then, live your best, healthy growing, learning life where you treasure and nurture your healthy mutually respectful relationships with (only) healthy others. They hate that! But you will find peace and calm
nteresting ... I see 7 dogs in that painting up over your left shoulder (to us) and it feels like there maybe more cuz can't see whole thing. Now I've gotta go back n listen again, lol. 😄 //. I think your lady friend is feeding on the message to you that you're beneath her - as she doesn't follow-up
It wasn't surgery. The vet used a laser wand and scanned it up and down his back for four minutes per treatment. The aim was to reestablish proper blood flow and reduce inflammation. It worked.
Dr. C what should you do if your partner consistently doesn't take your advice after asking for your perspective, but will turn around and take the same advice from someone else simply because of "how they worded it"?
I take anyone at face value, until they show me I can't. I just don't want to be around those type of people, so I distance myself. I found I cannot help those type of people, so why bother, but I'm not going to stop helping anyone who genuinely appreciates it. Plus, I am not perfect and there are times I need help with things and it is good to have decent, like minded people in your life.
@Rob...:when they are so friendly when they say hey! Lets do lunch! I will get caught up in the excitement and say "sure!" Then they don't care. Then there's a let-down. That's when I tell myself I take people at face value and maybe shouldn't.
@@chrisd9759 when ppl say that, i just reply, "I don't eat anymore." Or like they adk if i have Caller ID, I say, "yup." And when they ask, "then how come you don't answer?"
I have a friend that every time I talk to her, she says, let’s go out to lunch! So, I said one time after years, “ Yes! How about next Friday?” 😂😜 That put a stop to that! 😁
Hi Dr. C, I wished I could join in the live sessions, but I am tutoring online during your live sessions. That's why I watched the recording. My narc neighbor just came over to ask me if I had something to do with the car accident outside of his house😮 I was tutoring online when this happened. I said NO, why would I have something to do with it, I've been in my house tutoring online! He became offended at my answer! Then said in a pissed off attitude, well, sorry I BOTHERED you! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW! 😮.
That's bullshit. He started out accusing you of being involved in the car accident. Then, when you called him out, he got belligerent to cover his @ss.
Yup, all he had to say was, "Oops, a slip of the tongue, LOL, and I would have laughed with him! These ignoramus narcs can't even admit to being incorrect! @@susanmercurio1060
He has another "bed" he lays in and loves it. But when I've put it in my study, he goes to the couch 100% of the time. That couch is his comfort zone. I just accommodate him!
Pull off a narcissist's mask and find another identical one! Unproductive. Our time is far better used growing in knowledge and sharing with those who actually care
You realize you are not loved. And you choose self respect, love yourself. Get the help you need. Be safe.
A grooming, phony play…. Amazing how I was played. I’m totally embarrassed about how I was fooled. We were married in five months, and two years later I was ready to run! Thirteen years later, I am finally leaving. Wow! What a total waste of my precious time.
Narcissists only care about getting caught! And then OH MY what a fascinating dance you will see! They are quite the performers!! 😏
Hi Parisizzles. Your comment triggered a memory.
I found my nex's hidden cocaine, called her out, and I got blamed for leaving the door open so someone could plant it!
Versions of this happened multiple times, and I saw the 'dance', as you say, every time
There's a movie I'll never go to!
They don't see that anything they do is a problem. So, to them, there are no problems 🤷
No, they have no problem because you are the only problem 😅🤣
Yet, they are a problem for anyone near them.
@@RobSlopezJr
Yet, anyone near them don't think they are a problem at all... Because the narcissists make them believe that *you* are the problem...
It's a whole relationships system they are able to deceive... And we have to face it, in order to let the short-circuit blowing up in their hands (when they want that their target/victims blow up) ...
We have to manage to stay out of it . Not easy. But doable , with a good healthy practice...
And, sadly, the world is full of supply
Somehow, I began to think of myself more like my accuser did. I never recognized while IN the narcissist relationship that I was slowly losing myself and becoming Brainwashed but later I heard it in myself. The phrase “I’m sorry “ dropped from my lips so quickly and often that it was quite sobering and telling to me.
Prayers for Gus, by the way!
My ex narc didn't seem to mind repeating similar patterns, especially financial mistakes. One thing that stood out to me was his tendency to pretend to be happy (around other's, but not at home). There was an expectation that you had to follow suit. You weren't allowed to have a bad day, or be a little irritable if you felt bad. It was always "smile...why aren't you smiling". Of course this made me even more irritable. I think in some crazy way they think that if they pretend enough, their delusions will come true.
I recognise the 'pretending to be happy' thing.
Also, fake laughter and a party attitude when the occasion didn't warrant that.
They can't seem to live in the reality of any situation
@@sturobertson6791 Exactly.
I have asked my narcman ( my short term)” Why “ , so many times I have given it up.🙄25 years of NOT KNOWING what in the world was going on with this guy and feeling the condemnation and guilt that I hadn’t done/been enough to keep my Christian home together. Now that I DO KNOW what I am dealing with and the mental gymnastics that I have been subjected to……. Uh uh !!! Believe what you see once The Show starts ( because it WILL) and get out quickly; otherwise you’ll be in for more pain and betrayal and lies while you are little more than the one causing THEM pain!!! 🫨😖😫😳
Fantastic good news about Gus(I didn't know, hear now Gus has/had an issue (s).)
AWWWWW Dr. C….. I just got done listening to your video and you have such a big wonderful heart and we just love you so much here.
God bless you and your dear dear family and Gus.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Omg leave them alone completely
My wife snooped on my secret journal talking about all things Narcissism and all that I think about her and our relationship. She is now using this newfound information (that she found and read without my permission) to bully me and claim that I can't be trusted and I keep secrets and refuse to be honest with her. I don't know how to get out of this one, I feel like I made a horrible mistake not hiding my journal better but I also feel like she had no business reading it. And now every single conflict is centered on the words of my journal.
The last ever counseling session I did with my ex wife didn’t go well. I was tired of focusing on feelings and wanted to focus on the things that actually happened or were happening so we could finalize the process for healing and closure so true forgiveness was capable. Yet as soon as I started bringing up things that were happening or happened she would just deny those events.
I just stood up and looked at her and the counselor. Told the counselor to charge me for the session (2 hours for 30 minutes) because we were going back home. My ex wife looked at me and said she didn’t trust going back home with me. I looked at her and asked if she would be able to have someone else to pick her up and she said yes. I looked at our counselor asked her if she would stay with her until she was picked up and she said yes. I walked out and went back home.
She didn’t have to ride home with me but I understood that I was not required to stay either for a counseling session with lies.
I walked out on a counseling session with my narcissist son. The counselor said, "You can't do that!" And I said, "Watch this..."
@@susanmercurio1060 .. my issue at the moment is all of my 4 children seem to be fine except my 2nd child. He shows a lot of similarities to his mother at the age he is now 16. I’m hoping he is just young but he has a closer relationship to his mother than I do
Whoever sent in that question about the narcissist not answering texts or calls claiming they are busy might as well have been me.😅 That was one of their most annoying patterns. And they always came back with "I'm busy" and would rage at me whenever I called them out for it.
My narcissistic family member constantly claims busyness as a way of keeping people distant. There were times when we’d agree I’d visit her at home, and she wouldn’t be there. After making me wait, she’d arrive as if everything was just fine-until she picked a fight about something completely off topic. I long thought it was my oversensitivity. I’m so glad for groups like this are reframing these difficult relationships.
I recognise what you're saying.
My experience was, if it was ME that couldn't answer, or I didn't answer straightaway, I'd get accusations thrown at me for weeks about 'what I was up to'
Whenever I phoned my Mom, who was a middle aged stay at home housewife, she was ALWAYS too busy to talk. Once I rode my bike 45 minutes to visit her at a pre-arranged time. I arrived a few minutes early, just in time to see her locking up and heading out. She wasn't expecting me to arrive early . She wanted me to bike 45 minutes and find no one home.
@@l.5832 so sorry you experienced that cruelty.
The narcissistic character is so very well hidden to the individuals that they want it to be hidden from but to the suffering spouse and the immediate family it is a very loud visible and apparent grief and hardship that can put an entire family in such disarray leaving everybody scratching their heads and some of the characteristics that come forth out of these individuals is totally unbelievable to others I always tell people if you have not lived with a bona fide genuine narcissist you would think the things I tell you about what I've went through are exaggerated or completely lies because it is so bizarre to the individual that did not live with a narcissist they can't comprehend that a human being could be so cruel and creepy, and the aftermath and the trail of trauma and pain that a narcissist leaves his family with is so disheartening and sad and can take many years to bring balance back into their emotion and psyche from the narcissistic abuse😥
Thanks for my click, thanks for my fix, it's a honor for me, this go team healthy, here in Texas, plus this community, our gus, The best questions, far out, Webinar, also, guess what, you folks rule, I'm grateful,
Wonderful news about Gus! Thank you Dr. C.!
My husband was not going to go to counseling on his own. His perspective was that he didn't need counseling....
What is bad is when you have to explain to kids that someone is "not very organized", so that when they say something is going to happen, it means they think it would be fun, but since they are not very organized, we will just have to wait and be pleasantly surprised if it happens.
They also like to exclude you from events and then talk about how much fun those events were when they see you. Sometimes they want to make the point, to your face, that they are better than you and you are not wanted.
God bless you Sir, thank you for your help🤍🙏🏾
'I really don't know what you're talking about.'
Not one acknowledgement that they really weren't fair. That's impossible. All humans are imperfect. That's the epitome of avoidance. The epitome of contempt is when they say that to someone they've repeatedly been cruel to. That defies humanity. 😪
15:51 YES!
For the friend of the freind married to the narc.
There was a friend in my life who said one simple sentence to me “didn’t this very same thing happen last year?”
I didn’t realize that I was on a merry go round with a guy I was dating until a friend kindly and gently pointed it out to me.
Sometimes people just need love and patient support. I pray your friend finds her way out.
Awe Respect Gus
Thank you, Dr. C. I was staying with him as he was close to death and heard him say, “Please don’t let my kids hate me.” I truly believe that he was talking to God and repenting for his selfishness and control of us. He was a strong Catholic man.
Ahahaha. Still playing the victim!
If he truly cared what the Lord thought, he would have stopped his bad damaging behavior years before.
Please don’t badmouth my dad. He was a good man who helped a lot of needy people and would have given them the shirt off his back. He was just controlling and selfish with his family.
@@ro7547 I mean no disrespect and I am talking about people in general here, I have watched over 200 videos like this one in the last 4 years and I have learned, concerning the people in my past, that a kind, caring, loving person is kind to everyone especially to their own family. I'm sure you dad was a caring good person.
They're just pointing out to you how it was unfair to you and your family to put up with all the garbage while the public got his good side. If he truly repented, that's awesome, but yet again, as these other folks are getting across, it could be some sort of ruse or act to put guilt on you.😢 I hope and pray that he learned his lesson. I can't help but wonder if there truly is any genuine connection between you two before he passed. I'm hoping so.
Thank you Doc!🙏 I am watching it on tape replay.
How's Gus doing? I'm glad to hear that he's doing better after his nerve treatment. He's a handsome boy!❤
I'm really thankful to a friend who convinced me to explore the possibility that my husband is a narcissist. For years I simply thought I was dealing with an immature and selfish person who at the core was kind and caring. Now I am learning the skills to deal with a covert narcissist and am seeing results, mostly reclaiming and developing my unique personhood. While this doesn't change my spouse, it has changed me. I feel more in control of my life, am triggered less and know how to let go of the inner turmoil my spouse is feeling because it has nothing to do with me.
As always, thank you Dr. C.🙏
You are very welcome
Such good news about Gus! Thank you. Love Gus 🥰
Dr. C's point about narcissistic projection being related to co-dependency at 21:50 ... While a narcissist is commonly co-dependent (i.e. the forward n->co correspondence is highly true), being co-dependent does not necessarily imply narcissism (i.e. co-dependant group also includes some people that are the antithesis of narcissism: empathetic people). My understanding is that co-dependency does not necessarily imply narcissism; i.e. some co-dependency (need for external validation in order to feel well) are not cluster-B. My experience, is that some co-dependent people are cluster-C (fear based characteristics), for example.
You make sense.
When a narc visit's a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Psychotherapist...it's a tactic they use as part of their narrative as a preemptive strike or weaponize during their discard & smear campaign. It creates their "perfect storm." Narc to family/friends.. 1) " The abuse was so bad...I had to be treated professionally as I just couldn't take it anymore. And my Psychotherapist even agreed w/me." Meanwhile, after raging at the healthcare professional for being called out, the narc was kicked out. However, the narc knows they're protected w/patient confidentiality, therefore, can create the narrative of choice & nobody can prove otherwise.
You are so right, and this is such an insidious tactic.
I've been accused of being passive aggressive and also defensive.
I don't think I sulk though. And I always respond to messages (unlike the ones in my family who accuse me of being passive aggressive)
I really appreciate everyone's support here. Being on the live chat for this vid was like rocket fuel for the healing journey.
Keep listening and learning, folks. A few months (or years) of learning here and you will not look back.
Survive and thrive!🙏
Well said 👏
Hey, you two 🖐️😁 up there... You are a great help in lifting people up.
Thank you 💚💚💚
@@lishmahlishmah You're so very welcome 🙏 🤗
@lishmahlishmah
Cheers lishmah. Thank you for your kind words. The positivity is infectious! The more we feel it the more we feel like sharing it!👍
Hear! Hear!
Well Dr. C. ,listening to you has been a life saver and a strength builder...and I can't thank you enough.
So pleased. Stay strong, Heather.
I have seen several instances in my family in which one person has a disagreement with a cousin, and then the cousin airs their "side" of the story to one of their own children, and then that child contacts the "offensive" cousin to jump to their mother's defense. I know this is triangulation. Can there be a number of reasons why a person would run to their mother's defense whenever their mother is challenged?????? Is this because they have bought into their mother's "stuff" and must defend mama in order to remain in mama's good graces?????
I am finding (after wondering if my father was narcissistic) that the things I would really like to ask aren't appropriate go bring up at this time.
But (now) this is the father that I knew loved me as a youth, despite my mother.
For so long there was such a divide between us and I never thought we would get here. Whatever drove him to do and say hurtful things it is gone in him.
Another great Webinar, Dr Carter ☀️
Thank you ❤️ ☮️ Awesome videos, too!
DRC . RIPE FUS
YOU HAVE SO MUCH STRENGTH
DR. C
There are a lot of therapists out there who can get manipulated easily.
True.
Interested to think about Nic grooming of children. Maybe you could talk about that more sometime. In addition to complaining and sulking as methods for Vulnerability Ns to maintain control, I might say that I have observed that they are also ways to garner sympathy, I.e., validation.
I love when Dr. C says that he's on to someone! It's so funny to me and such a cool way of making his point about seeing through nonsense without being confrontational or negative in any way. Lol ❤
Yep - someone is only going to prove me wrong / prove that it’s me not them
I love Eore! Eore speaks reality...Murphy's Law...if something can go wrong, it will. Eore reminds us to be grateful for all of the good things in life. I told a friend the other day...I'm part wild mustang and part Eore. ;>)
And tigger was bipolar, wasn't he? Lol
My Sister looooves Tigger! ❤😂🎉
Thank you for everything you do! Can you talk more about the brainwashing of children? The mini-men’s? Is this the same as parental alienation? I have three adult children who treat me with contempt. My Ex is a vulnerable narcissist. This has now started extending to
My grandchildren. I have tried to discern if they are narcissistic themselves or have been alienated. Thank you again. Glad to hear Gus is OK!
Both my children were different kinds of narcissists.
I am so sorry. This is d🎁so darn devastating. To lose not just one but all of them. Sending you a big hug❤️
When I hear about projection, it seems that alot of the time it is described as it being projected onto you and not neccesarily that the narc admits to the feeling as well. However, I experienced that "I should feel guilty" because my step MIL feels that way. During her lecture/interrogation of us, she openly said that she feels guilty not being able to work. Was she being vulnerable to benefit herself in the moment? I guess to drag me down to her level? She assigned feelings to my husband as well because his father and him "are the same and won't admit their real feelings." My husband and I regularly talk about our decision for me to quit my job and go back to school. Little does she know, every few months, we check in with each other to make sure we are both still feeling okay with the decision. I have felt guilt in the past and my husband very much encourages me to keep going with our plan. Very odd that anyone would feel the need to assign feelings to others especially over something that doesn't involve them. Thank you Dr. C! Your videos are always appreciated!
So glad Guss is well!! Dogs have a quick recovery rate. We as humans wish we were that blessed. Thankful for our Pets Dr. C. They can teach us much!❤
Definitely.
I was suicidal as a teen and I had been taken to the 51/50 ward a couple of times. My narcissisitic ex used that info against me. Well, kind of. I was with her in my mid 20s to early 30s. I was still young (funny thing was she was older than me) and not depressed like i was back then, but she took advantage of my dad dying before I got with her. In an argument, she would call me names, overreact, and then bring up my history. I don't think she really listened though, because she would say things like i was crazy and try to get me to believe i did and say things i know i didn't. I think she thought i went to the psyche ward for dementia or she thought i was a schizophrenic. She often would say she wasn't going to let me use my intelligence against her. I never thought i was better than anyone and i thought the first time i heard about people wondering who the smartest person in the room is, i thought "Who thinks like that?" After a while, she had me wanting to commit suicide again. Why do we let these type of people do things like this to us? I actually haven't dated anyone in over a decade, because I just figured maybe it is me, after my last girlfriend. I dont think she was a narcissist, but she was a compulsive liar and for what i thought was no reason. To me it wasn't even necessary. I only recently learned what a narcissist actually is. I identified individual traits in my ex, but had no idea certain traits combine to make this disorder. I guess we can never know what others are really thinking, but looking back, i have remembered certain bad individuals did what is called "love bombing." When it happened, i remember thinking it was just silly, because there was no way what they were saying was true, but i guess to them, what they were saying was a compliment. I just shrugged it off as silly. Now, i will be more attentive when it happens again and see if they later show other narcissistic traits. Thank you, Dr. C, you are a Godsend.
Dr Ramani just published a book called It's Not You. It just became a NYT best-seller.
Please go get a copy. You need it
I so enjoy your midweek sessions and I am enjoying your shorts, as well. I was wondering if you could touch on the four main trauma responses: flight, fight, freeze and fawn?? For the past 2 years I have really beaten myself up. My older sister and I, and occasionally my older brother, took care of my mother as she lay dying. Both of my siblings are very narcissistic, covert and malignant, and I dare say sadistically so. I grew up with extremely narcissistic parents, to boot. Like I said I really beat myself up during the time my mother was dying because I felt like I was so compliant to them, so I learned fawning was my best option. I realize now that was the only way I could protect myself. When you referenced narcissistic grooming it really hit home for me I highly respect the work and information that you give. ❤
Good day!🐞💛🍃
Yes it is!
My ex always tried to slate his kids mum and call her out and it was so uncomfortable to see I told him he should not disrespect their mother no matter what happened between them both.. I found that awkward and then he sometimes said they have been brainwashed by her and she was turning them against him if they hadn’t been in touch that much.. I let him play the victim because people who he is showing the video of me obviously also knows I must have been pushed to my limit because they know me better than he thought he did…
No, and they never learn arguing with a judge gets them no place..SMH 30 days is too long for him to have to sell the house, He will use all 30 days and stir the pot in those days... Praying I survive this mess.
Be careful with faults and vulnerability with an unhealthy person, they will use it against you and or set you up when you are around people....to make you look bad.... while they are there calm and collective....
Hi Dr C/Les.
Did you see my comment about how you could put “super thanks” on your comments so that people can make a donation to you if they want to. It is a little heart that goes next to the comment the person is making. If they click on it different options come up for donation amounts. I think you would get so many of them. After watching I feel like contributing to you and many others will as well.
Sent with much gratitude and love for everything that you are doing.
You are so kind. I'll run this by my admin to she what she can do. Thanks for the good will.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You have saved my life over the last nearing two years since my separation. It’s like you were sent from heaven to help me, just at the pivotal moment of need, to understand what has happened. I was so confused and hurt. I would love to participate in supporting you in any way I can just as you support us. Take extra special care. I hope your throat comes right soon. You do so much. I hope you look after your precious self so well. Very best regards, Andrea.
Thank you again Dr. C for more helpful insights. I'm wondering now in regard to the vulnerable narcissist - can a consistent hypochondriac, who is passive aggressive, frequent user of the silent treatment be a vulnerable narcissist?
For a narcissist, it is imperative that you reflect their perfection back TO them. (Making sure you only say things to them that are totally admiring and validating when you’re together.) Also, in public, you must be a good reflection OF them. (You must LOOK good, smart, beautiful, well-dressed, etc, because they only want to be seen with “perfect” people, like themselves.
Laser treatment is very effective I am glad Gus is okay.
Thanks, Fred!
I always seem to miss the live stream but I love catching up here in England 🏴 🙏❤️🩹🦋❤️
Glad you got the tape delay!
Thank you 🙏
On the way to 1,000,000!
I wish I knew how to deal with two elderly parents who were both already narcissistic in their personality, who now forgot what they previously said. The nasty comments are therefore repeated even more! It's a smack in the face that now my mother expects me to feel bad for her that my father is more difficult, but neither one thinks how hard it is for me to deal with their negativity or their forgetting. I'm ill myself and they do nothing to constructively help their situation. It's worse now than in ever was and im too old and sick to deal with it. They just won't seek help for themselves
It's like they are oblivious to themselves. Oblivious to our reactions. After watching them, I concluded that they just don't. Sigh.
It became, how do I change what I do.
Too self absorbed by the false self & no awareness of other individuals because they never separated from mother or became a complete adult person
Hi Doc C.
I regularly listen to your videos on narcissism; you do such a great job and thank you for that. I am learning a lot.
I find it very difficult to understand how a person can spend so much energy making a mask, a false identity built solely for the gaze of the other. It must be exhausting. What about spontaneity in all of this? Is there room for it?
Which brings me to the following question: is it possible for a person with this disorder to be totally unconscious of being a mistaken construction based on the return effect expected by him of his projected image? With an inability to introspect? Or he is aware of his weaknesses and therefore deliberately strives to hide them?
When you explain the different cases in your videos I get the impression that the narcissist is a totally aware manipulating monster and that he is always in the pre-reflected mode, that nothing is spontaneous or natural. A bit like an army general who prepares the smallest step of his troops forward.
Is it possible that, in the heart of him, he tries to be a good person without realizing his wrongness? The narcissist we all know "is perfect" so how can he be aware of its faults at the same time? Is he lying to us knowingly or is he really convinced of what he claims to be, to say and do?
From this point of view, his life must be hellish, thinks of all the preparation that this requires to act, on a daily basis, with all of his entourage. For him his life has nothing to live and let live. So the gentle and peaceful life, for him, is it impossible? I pity that person.
I cannot imagine what it is like to live constantly in the eyes of the other. What a miserable life.
See you at the next vidéo Doc.
P.S. I use a translator french to english. Hopefully the result is not to bad.
That bear picture behind you is so beautiful
A really good writer is Thomas Carlyle! My favorite 😊
1. Counselor.. I have had that happen to me multiple times.. I need to remind myself that they are manipulating them..
2. Friend... Sometimes I need to just let go..
3. Not liking to admit.. That drives me crazy..
4. Projects.. This is where I need to learn detachment..
5. Malignant.. Everything is about them.. What they think and do and say..
6. Wife.. It is more about me taking my side..
My husband repeatedly cheated and lied Abt it but still came home every night to make me believe he wanted me but the fighting was non-stop. Only time we didn't fight was when he was sober and in jail begging me not to leave him he was sry so I'd stay. He'd get out and back to old self. Y the hell is it soooo hard to let him go? I cry every day but it didn't hurt him to cheat on me 2weeks B4,we were to renew our vows and to act like I never existed in his life, and she is soooo perfect everything he did he told her I did to him! Our divorce is almost final and I never asked for it I just wanted him to stop doin what he was doing and we'd be fine but he didn't get that😢😢 how do you let to?
Do they care if they repeat the same problems? Most of the time I don't think they even are aware they're repeating anything-good or bad. It's all about what works for them in that moment. PS YAY FOR GUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're onto it, Bridget.
How do I join your support group? My ex of 10 years has turned my 18 year old daughter against me. I had to throw her out because she started terrorising me just like he had done. Now I’m afraid to leave my house due to their joint smear campaign against me in our smallish town. I know it’s not ok to pass judgement on a teenager but I fear I’ve got 2 narcissists in my life now and that I’ll never get her heart back. Any recommendations?
My notes:
25:14 Question: How can malignant narcissists be protective of their children in the same way as normal caring people? Dr. C: That phrase ‘as normal caring people’; they're not. They're not doing it the same. It looks the same but they're doing it for very different reasons. There's a thing that we refer to as narcissistic grooming. They'll be friendly and kind and all the rest, but it's a ruse. “If you see me as being a really nice person, then I can slip in when the time comes and be as controlling as I want because I now have a reputation of being a really nice person.” Their goodness unfortunately can be a phony front. They can give the appearance that they're being normal, but it's a grooming process. And the narcissist has the advantage of literally having their child from day one. When you see that a person is mean to people in public but then they're doting towards their own kids, trust me, it's a ruse. Typically that child can grow up and either be just like them or the child eventually realizes ‘I was played’. You seeing the malignant side of the narcissist is not false. The falseness is coming from the way they manage themselves with their own kids.
30:02 You can’t force somebody to see something they're not ready to see. Now obviously, if there are some major issues that like the mother-in-law is being abusive to the children or the mother-in-law is asking the daughter to join her in in hate toward other individuals, then I think it's appropriate to call it out. But again, the readiness factor has to be there. Sometimes if you're on team healthy you can see things in other individuals simply don't want to see, at least not yet.
35:03 Question: What about when they don't respond to your text messages or return calls or keep playing the super busy card when clearly they're not that busy. Is that a passive aggressive narcissistic tactic? Dr. C: Yes. What you have here is a disconnect between what they say and what really is. Clearly, that person is lying and they can they can lie with a smile on their face and they can lie while they're acting friendly. What they're saying through their behavior is different than what they're saying verbally. “I need to be in control and so I just want to give the impression that I'm really friendly and really engaging but it's all a lie.”
42:31 Question: What is your take on narcissists who withhold affection or sex or closeness? Dr. C: This is not at all an un an unusual kind of thing. This is yet another illustration of the passive aggressive tendencies that narcissist can have. It's like, “I'm not doing that.” And when you ask why, it's like “I'm not in the mood.” or “I don't know.” Typically, kindness and affection and affirmation is a way of saying “I really like knowing you from the heart level”, but the fact that they will choose that as a means putting some distance between you. It's their way of saying, “I don't like the empathy thing. Tenderness that means that I have to become vulnerable and I don't want to be vulnerable because that means that you're going to see that I have my frailties or I have my needs. I don't really like opening up to people.” When they seem to be disinterested in being kind and tender it's their way of saying, “If I approach you in a heartwarming kind of way then I need to look at myself at a heart level and I don't do that.” Their shield is so thick and so lasting that they'd rather just say “I'm busy” or “I have other things” or they’ll just make themselves unavailable. But it’s an ongoing cover-up of their fear of their own vulnerability.
44:16 Do narcissists care if they repeat the same old problems and the answer is well they keep doing it. There are so many elements that go along with the narcissistic pattern that inhibit an individual from being insightful. So if you're the kind of person that says ‘I like to break things down and I like get down at that heart level’, let's be honest that it may be that you'll need to find a different person to do that with because the narcissist is way too committed to their false self. That’s what they’re invested in it.
My spouse and I are considering doing an intervention with an elderly narcissist who is being taken advantage of by some caregivers. Our attempts to intervene one-on-one with the narcissistic elder have been met with derision, contempt, anger and ultimately, being shut out of her life. My spouse thinks it would be a futile effort, but I am wondering what you think. What if were able to assemble a group of other caring friends and relatives who are also concerned to join us in an intervention with a skilled therapist. What are the odds it might succeed?
Narcisists don’t care about you or if they destroy you in the process of pursuing their selfish wants and desires. They have no love and are dangerous to be around. I don’t want to have anything to do with them.
Dr C, my X narcissist was kind to everyone, including those he worked with for many years, except for me and his son from another marriage. He had 2 girls and one son with his previous wife. He was behind the scenes very verbally abusive to me and his son. I do not understand how he can be so kind to every one else and so evil towards me and his son. No one on the outside would believe if I told them what he was really like.
By verbally abusive I mean, he would block me in a room and yell at me for hours using biblical scripures to call out all the ways I fell short. He would hear nothing from his son or I that was contradictory to his opinions.
My narcissistic brother-in-law is very emotionally abusive, mostly to me. He is rude, dismissive, condescending, and belittling, many times when others in the family aren't within ear-shot. I tell my husband what happens, and he sympathizes to a degree, but plays nice with him and never stands up for me. He says things like, "well, I wasn't there". The rest of the family also enables my brother-in-laws' overall angry and frustrated personality, so I know they won't do anything but look the other way. I'm tired of having to convince my husband to not make excuses for his brother's poor behaviour and start setting boundaries. Any advice Dr C??
Predators choose the times when no witnesses are around.
Set up a camera?
That is almost my exact situation, but it is my sister-in-law who is married to my husband’s brother. My husband does not back me at all. The in-laws just want peace and harmony, so the behavior is minimized and swept under the rug. I’m not sure I can stay with a man who refuses to stand up for me. He is more worried about offending them they he is about hurting me! He is an enabler.
Thank you, Dr. C👏🏻
This was a really good video, with a lot of answers, to a lot of questions that I haven’t come across before ❤
You're very welcome!
My daughter is a passive-aggressive covert vulnerable narcissist.
I would like to hear more about real verses fake apologies during hoovering emails. Always emails or texts. He also never really states what he did wrong, it is always he feels regret and how he wishes for a do over. Over my dead body!
Why would he dump me only to try & get me back? Could this be a form of revenge? Because I am no contact for 3 yrs....( only emails / texts) , I am well aware he is very passive aggressive. I find the whole situation funny and yet I would like your opinion.
Do they care if they repeat their mistakes? I have no idea, but judging by how often my ex repeated his mistakes, he didn't care enough to change.
I’ve also since that phone call with the therapist.. my friend who is also his friend but he tells you the truth without realising .. I was videod a few weeks ago when I finally told him it’s the end and I was giving him it back and yes annoyed giving him a few home truths after being subjected to scrutiny for lying cheating I’m not really real.. I was just done.. now apparently his ex wife was a bully and would intimidate him and then he would react to her obviously we are allowed to stand up for ourselves.. apparently she videoed him in a state so he would look like that crazy one but not video her antagonism he said typical narcissist.. my friend rang me earlier saying he sorry it hasn’t worked out but he is showing everyone in the pub that video of me giving it to him.. the police asked if I had ever recorded him and I said no but he told me he had videoed my crazy behaviour.. well I have reported that he is sharing a video around about me and not the part where I was being subjected to his bullying behaviour and is that allowed from him I’m apparently a cheap slut my friend said he used to do that with his ex wife and he had switched behaviour in him a few times and also he’s back messaging a woman I felt I he wasn’t being honest about .. he had apparently left his/‘my friend on his own and spent the night with her.. but apparently I was being jealous and insecure and I need to sort my insecurities out.. I always go with my gut and he’s already messaged her within a week of us splitting up a she’s now in a relationship and she wasn’t interested .. he expected her to still be interested in her.. he wasn’t that upset about us splitting up and trying to get sympathy from women already.. that’s what a true narcissist does they can move on so fast 😂
Dr C is there any justifiable retribution for the narcissist, it seems they get away with their abuse constantly Thank You
I spent several years asking your same question, as I endured severe emotional, verbal and physical abuse from my nex.
The answer for me, and I think for many, is to first, get away, then, live your best, healthy growing, learning life where you treasure and nurture your healthy mutually respectful relationships with (only) healthy others.
They hate that!
But you will find peace and calm
nteresting ... I see 7 dogs in that painting up over your left shoulder (to us) and it feels like there maybe more cuz can't see whole thing. Now I've gotta go back n listen again, lol. 😄 //. I think your lady friend is feeding on the message to you that you're beneath her - as she doesn't follow-up
Please let us know more about that laser surgery Gus had. I have been putting off looking into it, but I'm not sure it's the same thing. Thanks.
It wasn't surgery. The vet used a laser wand and scanned it up and down his back for four minutes per treatment. The aim was to reestablish proper blood flow and reduce inflammation. It worked.
I'm glad Gus is doing better. I have a mixed Terrier too. His name is Kelev which means Dog in Hebrew. So my dog's name is dog!
That makes sense! Gus' name comes from the place I was born...Augusta, Georgia.
Dr. C what should you do if your partner consistently doesn't take your advice after asking for your perspective, but will turn around and take the same advice from someone else simply because of "how they worded it"?
"Hey! Let's get together and have lunch!" Our own fault for taking them at face value?
I take anyone at face value, until they show me I can't. I just don't want to be around those type of people, so I distance myself. I found I cannot help those type of people, so why bother, but I'm not going to stop helping anyone who genuinely appreciates it. Plus, I am not perfect and there are times I need help with things and it is good to have decent, like minded people in your life.
@Rob...:when they are so friendly when they say hey! Lets do lunch! I will get caught up in the excitement and say "sure!" Then they don't care. Then there's a let-down. That's when I tell myself I take people at face value and maybe shouldn't.
@@chrisd9759 when ppl say that, i just reply, "I don't eat anymore." Or like they adk if i have Caller ID, I say, "yup." And when they ask, "then how come you don't answer?"
I have a friend that every time I talk to her, she says, let’s go out to lunch! So, I said one time after years, “ Yes! How about next Friday?” 😂😜 That put a stop to that! 😁
I think my Storm is going on too
The webinar was so good!
Pleased!
Ooohh....😔I missed the webinar.
You can still get it on the website!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I will look. Thank you Dr.Carter.🌹🌷💐🌺🌸🌻🌼
DR c remember the rules
If guilt is rage against the self, then does that mean narcissists don't have rage against theirselves?
Hi Maureen. Their guilt is still intact, they are just not consciously aware of it.
8:00 My stepdaughter told her father that her therapist thinks he's is crazy! 🤔 A good therapist wouldn't say that.
Hi Dr. C,
I wished I could join in the live sessions, but I am tutoring online during your live sessions. That's why I watched the recording.
My narc neighbor just came over to ask me if I had something to do with the car accident outside of his house😮 I was tutoring online when this happened. I said NO, why would I have something to do with it, I've been in my house tutoring online! He became offended at my answer! Then said in a pissed off attitude, well, sorry I BOTHERED you! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW!
😮.
That's bullshit. He started out accusing you of being involved in the car accident. Then, when you called him out, he got belligerent to cover his @ss.
Yup, all he had to say was, "Oops, a slip of the tongue, LOL, and I would have laughed with him! These ignoramus narcs can't even admit to being incorrect! @@susanmercurio1060
Gus might like a new cushion to lie on on his sofa.. :-)
He has another "bed" he lays in and loves it. But when I've put it in my study, he goes to the couch 100% of the time. That couch is his comfort zone. I just accommodate him!
Pull off a narcissist's mask and find another identical one! Unproductive. Our time is far better used growing in knowledge and sharing with those who actually care
Well said Bara
@@sturobertson6791
CHRISTOPHER MACDONALD SCOTTISH Dd
Haha yeah no they dont care
Nopes ,i no licks no mini,messy me,mob, miserly, miserable moody, magpie ,mop,mopeadope
Brainwashrd to Dismiss Mom( carol)! Meet 4 adult children... Really 4 New Critics