A dusty once told me that “men are in search of their mother” ...and that I reminded him of his. 😒 I was naive and took this as a compliment. Ladies, do not spend your prime dwelling in your “maternal divine” 😩 while “building” and coddling grown men. Speaking from experience. I became so co-dependent that I found myself repeating the same behavior with family members. I’ve since unpacked the brainwashing in therapy and by creating distance. Do not be afraid to love your family from afar. Cultural engineering is no joke. People will groom you into a life of servitude if you allow them. And stop trying to be everyone’s savior. Save 👏🏾your👏🏾damn👏🏾self 👏🏾.
No but it's psychology, according to Sigmund Freud how we learn to build attraction towards the opposite sex, the whole process Ends up making us look for (generally) the traits of our parents of the opposite gender, it's the subconscious blue print that we have, Well but that doesn't mean that, a man should expect you to take care of him, Or depend on you.
Even as an Arab woman, (who by the way loves your channel and draws many parallels between the black community and the Arab community), I have seen FAR TOO MANY WOMEN get married and become mothers and completely neglect their womanhood and femininity. This video was brilliant thank you for sharing.
Hazel S I am living in East Africa and it is difficult. Very misogynistic. Women are not considered women until they have a child. Then you are called by your child’s name instead of your own.
The Crab definitely agreed! I am Caribbean-American and I was raised to refer to elders by Ms. X/Mr. X to establish respect and differentiate authoritative respect from any random person.
I have observed so many women mother their boyfriends, husbands etc...as a Moroccan woman my mother also mothered my father and all she got back was blatant disrespect, cheating etc. Familiarity breeds contempt. DO NOT mother these grown boys/men ladies.
Dial down the empathy for ALL grown adults including friends/co workers not just men. Any time you get caught up in helping others, it’s less energy you have to improve your own life. If you are not where you want to be in life yet you don’t have the extra expendable energy for anyone other than yourself. Get all needy ppl out of your life or at least establish strict boundaries bc you will never reach your personal goals being grown adults mother. (I’m speaking from personal experience. The minute I got rid of all those ppl my mental health skyrocketed and found happiness)
This is so true! I am currently trying to break away from having to support my family constantly and it can be difficult always feeling guilty if you don't give give give to grown adults who refuse to make better decisions for themselves
A former boyfriend of mine’s mother literally came out and told me I was trying to take her son away from her, some women really have inappropriate relationships with their sons.
Tried to explain this to some women who tried to shame me because I won’t mother my husband . Also dumped a lot of friends for trying to abuse me into mothering them constantly . Now , there will be moments when you will mother and console a friend or spouse but it cannot be on a regular basis . People are very entitled and expect you to deplete yourself to mother them. What do they give in return ? Do they give you gifts ? Do they visit you ? Plan things for you ? ..... I am not a man and I will not behave like it either . I even played that role to my own mother . The narcissist. I stopped that long long ago with everyone ! Thanks for explaining it . For those women who want to act like men , go right ahead , you won’t get much out of it but stress !! People will use you ! You’ll become their therapist involuntary lol , and they’ll gaslight you and tell you you’re so nice and you’re an angel 😇 , so they can continue to use you via mothering . Also: if a woman shamed you because you’re not mothering , stay away from her , she’s trying to sabotage your feminine life .
Ppl are users periodt! When u put your foot down or don't fall for the game, they show u who they really are and how they really felt about u all along, good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing them to use u including your husband and friends! Be blessed beautiful!🙏🏼💜
When you start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, you don’t lose real friends or relationships, the truth is you lose manipulators, narcissists, attention seekers, abusers and mental health destroying leeches. It can be a hard pill to swallow, but that is reality.
I work in retail and the amount of women that come into my store with their families portraying this role is ridiculous! They’re chasing their children around, carrying the bags, AND pulling out the card to pay. What’s the man doing?? Standing behind her🤦🏾♀️
This is so true. I work in retail too and see this all the time. Sometimes, the woman will quickly look at the man in some hope that he will pay but the man literally stands there until the woman pays. I always want to tell her that you can do a lot better!!!
What stuns me is that when you refuse to be everyones “mother” people act like you’re the one with the problem... “Put the needy on ice!” I love that...
I am a woman first, a wife second, a mother third and a physician last. I received a lot of backlash because other women feel like I should prioritize being a mother over being a woman and wife. I do not feel that way. Motherhood is not all that I am. I became a mother 30 years into being a woman and a number of years into being a wife. I don't think we disappear the day we birth someone and that we start living for them entirely. If I won't forget myself for my own children, you best believe I won't for a grown man.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I appreciate it! I’m interested to know why you put being a wife over a mother. I always thought the idea was that you’ll always be a mother to your children but your husband can leave at anytime and then you won’t be a wife anymore
Chloe is so intelligent and spills facts. When I get married and have children, I'd always return to this channel so as to not forget her previous teachings. Thank you for this channel and thank you for saving my life. Lots of love
I always chuckle when I read comments like "I wonder if Chloe really has a man" or "Chloe is probably not who she claims to be". RESPONSE: We don't care!!! Her message is what's important. Her message has changed so many of our lives. If you're worried about who she is in her private life, you're missing the point.
Right! I like that she keeps her private life private and let's strangers speculate. And like you said, who cares?! It is so rare and just so tactful and classy to be anonymous and private these days..
I know this is an older video but I pamper my inner little girl by giving the love I wanted as a child to my daughter. I was so happy she was a girl!! I coddle her, give her the attention I didn't receive, the gentle parenting I needed and finally the true positive loving reinforcement I needed. She's 8 articulate, speaks two languages, well mannered, and never spanked or down talked. Parenting our daughters lovingly and with nurture is really what I needed.
My mother never puts herself first and always taking the weight of everyone's problems as her own even when I point out she needs to relax. I was aware of this young and never gave into that and I get called selfish, bougie or mean...🤷🏾♀️ shamed for being less tied down
Ppl shame me all the time for being less tied down too! I'm 37 and raised my 19 yo daughter as a single mother because I chose not to marry her father because I saw he had anger issues and some other issues and I was 17 and he was 18 when I got pregnant....im so glad I didn't fall for his BS or anyone else who tried to shame me! My daughter graduated high-school at 17 and finished her esthetician license at 19, she is now an entrepreneur with her own products and services!!!! I realized those ppl were just jealous because I put myself and my daughter first and not a man! I still look like I'm in my 20s and my daughter will be 20 next week! I graduated college at 23 and been a RN for over 13years now! I teach my daughter to date up and put herself first and love herself!💅🏽🙏🏼💜💯
I really hate when other women ask me when I’m going to have kids?🤨My answer is when I get a ring.Those same women aren’t happy with their decision to have children before marriage but will try to sabotage me.
I really appreciate this topic. It was a challenge for me at first to separate myself from being a mother and a woman. I always try to separate the two. I hate seeing women describe themselves as "so and so's mommy" in their bio. That is not all you are, you are a woman first as you said and I used to feel guilty for separating the two but now with your advice I realize that I was right to do that and not be a lifelong "mommy". I can still be a good parent while also being a woman
Growing up I saw a lot of single moms in survival mode. All this sounds beautiful and is very true, but it is easier said than done when you are a single mom and trying to meet your children’s basic needs. That’s why it is important to practice hypergamy. My mom was single mother of 3 with no family support and last thing she could think about was femininity & putting herself first. Of course, as she got older she adjusted. I am grateful for her sacrifices. She is now living her best life.
As an older woman that listens to Chloe, I can tell you younger women to stop the mommy mindset. It won’t get you anywhere but angry, depressed, burnt out and lonely. I was taught to me a mother from tea party days. I’ve been a mother to my parents, my siblings, my classmates, neighbors, etc. my entire life. So when I got married the natural thing to do was to mommy my husband. In 20 years that didn’t end well. The abuse I suffered was real young ladies. I have several young men now and I refuse to be their “mommy”. I love my young men dearly but I’m not raising any man-child. They are from 11 to 29 years of age. They all cook and clean and take care of their own business. I’m teaching them what it is to be a whole man. Many of my friends thinks it’s child abuse that I don’t wash their clothes or have a hot meals for them. HA. I see my young men as grown. Don’t get it twisted ladies. My young men and I have fabulous, healthy relationship. We work on it daily. I’m just not their”mommy”. It’s me time and living my best life ever. From this old woman to you young ladies STOP THE MOMMYING. You are all Queens. Go get your Kings! Thanks Chloe for not being afraid to speak the truth. Much love 💗💗💗
Great video. Too many BW lose either their motherhood or womanhood due by not making active life choices. You don’t have to date dusty men or save dusty family members. You can have a career that doesn’t mentally and emotionally drain you at end of the day.
My mom didn't have the patience when dealing with me or my younger brother growing up. She took a militant approach and often took out her anger on us.. even though she was always a bit more lenient with my brother..Meanwhile my father was absent in the marriage and cheated on her often. Now that I'm older I could see how that stress caused her to react the way that she did.. ( which back then broke our relationship). I'm 31 and ive chosen to go without children. I never had that warm nurturing relationship with my mom so I have no idea how to go about that within having children of my own, especially on a full time basis. Ironically i've worked in childcare for over 10 years and even though I love kids.. Im lowkey happy to give them back to their parents at the end of the day. My man, who's older and a great provider already has adults kids. We've already discussed if children are in our future.. after marriage ofcourse, I require a nanny, a maid as well as his presence. Until then, its me him and the cat lol 😬
Okay Chloe, I’mma need you to email this women to all African moms everywhere,hell out this on billboards across the continent of Africa for all African women to see. African moms are notorious for equating womanhood and motherhood, saying that you are not really a women unless you are married or have children! You are still a woman even if you are not married or have kids! 🙄
Someone once asked a question on a ladies' forum. "Which one out of the following three are you first and foremost: a woman, a mother or a wife (if you're married)?" SO many women answered "mother" and I don't get it... For me, womanhood must come first, everything else flows from it. I seems so odd to me that you would call yourself a mother first and only then a woman. Is your womanhood not important to you, don't you value it? I know this is a bit off topic, but wanted to throw that in
I can see why they do. Let’s be honest, if a woman who has children doesn’t basically say her children are her life and everything to her, they will shame her and say she’s a bad mother and therefore a defective woman. Loving them is not enough for society, you must be entirely devoted to child rearing and completely unfeminine and sexless.
@@hb7580 Exactly. This is why I'm always surprised to hear a woman express any regrets about motherhood. It's brave to admit it, although it shouldn't be. It's perfectly ok if it's not what you expected or desired. This honesty could help other women, but unfortunately, other women are the loudest judges!
I believe this why society shunned Ayesha Curry and deemed her as selfish. When she publicly expressed her grievance in feeling undesirable to men, in general, hopefully men and exhausted women everywhere were up in arms.
@@sixteen.candles.4644 I am a mother, too, but my womanhood wouldn't be any less important to me if I lost my son. Of course life would feel empty for a while, but that's not to say nothing else in my life would have any importance. My son is important to me, not the fact I am a mother. I really love and value being a woman, and I find it somehow really sad that women don't value their gender because they value more things that are made possible by the fact they are women.
I'm 23 with no kids and last year I basically mothered a man that 5 years older to me what a joke. I didn't even put myself first and was afraid to tell anyone no.Now since I dumped him, I went back to journaling, therapy, and put myself first before anybody (expect God of course ). Thanks chole_ for for the knowledge you give to growing young feminine woman like myself. Much love 😘💯
A self sacrificing mother will make her daughters develop masculinity to cover up for a husband that is not a masculine giver. First we have no model to learn feminity from, second we understand that our parents are not filled and we need to give give give (that is, be masculine). My mom is very feminine and this modern lifestyle made her very unhappy...
Mothered dusty till one day I found myself instructing the toddler and him in one breathe using the same tone of voice "stop climbing on that chair-just pay the rent!"😳 saw the problem right there 🤦🏽♀️
I've always been naturally pretty good at not mothering people in my life. I think it's because I look younger than my age so people naturally try to protect me and do things for me instead of asking me to do things for them. I definitely help people like my grandparents when needed but other than that people don't really bother asking me for anything too much lol 😅
I literally feel like a mother my own mother. All I do in the house is clean & cook and I’m only 15. I have 5 other siblings with the oldest one being 23 but I’m still the only one who cares. How do I disconnect myself from this role?
I am 23 but i was in the same situation being a house slave since years in my own house but i realised that d more i do the more they expect of me and their dependency on me increases so i decided to take charge of own life i do as much as i cn and leave i try to stay outdoors as much as i can and use that time to improve myself like doing yoga or exercide in a public park listening to podcasts also i spend long hours in my college library..... now that i have standards they have started respecting my work and efforts i have put all these years
They might think it’s mothering simply because they are women. A lot of women never mother their men. They father men. The men who probably also grew up single moms who had to do both roles, think that is mothering. A lot of people never experienced having a father and don’t recognize differences between a mother type and father type.
I needed to hear this. I had to turn off mothering ways. I’m in grad school for social work I have made it my business to give to clients. Friends and family are on “ice” My skin is flourishing,taking care of self and reminding myself I am the most important thing. People will see you as a mother and you will be left drained. As always thank you chloe
Chloe actually cares about helping us yall...and thats the difference between her and others. She get straight to thw point. Ive literally listened to her on an entire work shift. Keep the content coming sis!
This video is life changing. Some things here, I've never thought of...like showing some womanhood for your children after 6 yo. Today I was on motherhood mode for my parents, especially my father, who can not understand the COVID rules for people on his age...I was so angry, totally masculine. What you said was very important to me Chloe, I WILL NOT sacrifice my womanhood for nobody, even for the ones I love the most. I will do my very best, but I will rest in my womanhood now on.
Hey Chloe! I actually have a male friend that I sometimes feel too motherly toward (he has some mental issues that make it feel like I'm his crutch) and I had enough of it because I ain't his momma! If he wants me around, I cannot be his "momma" anymore. Thanks for another AMAZING video! ☺❤
If he has mental issues, he should then visit a therapist. So that he can seek professional advice and figure out how to fix his problem himself. The least you can do is support as a friend. That's all. Yes, just like you said you are not his mother.✌️
Man this video is right on time. I don’t have this problem with men but my mother. Since I was about 10 I had to be the mother. It took a toll on me and I wasn’t even aware until my mid 20s. You are saving lives Chloe you really are.
I recently over looked out for a male platonic friend recently and he managed to over look my text. When you over look out for someone you just get “over looked” Never again!!!
I agree especially single moms confuse this. This is why I feel a single moms status is boosted more than a married mom or home maker moms in society. Cause if you do it by yourself your the better mother.
Among most women single moms get way more praise in motherhood than married moms. Married women are more praised for achieving a woman’s most ultimate prize and goal in her life in having a man and being married. Their not praised so much for their mothering skills or being a mother, unless their a stay at home mom. Career moms who work a lot but provide well for their family and kids are the least praised.
Efalonda I agree with what you saying that they get a bad rep because of the bad decisions and choices they be making in men and in general, but usually they get this bad rep by other men who they mostly try to date. They get a bad rep because they have that arrogant I’m strong, independent I can do it bad all by myself, so I think I’m better than you I don’t need you attitude. While thinking she has no confidence express to the world a false sense of confidence. That’s why single moms get a negative image and a bad rep.
I just had a therapyyyy session about this very topic this am. Synchronicity! At it's finest. My family always stressed take care of take care of and I will get a blessing from god..... Talk about burn out. Many said " I act funny now" because I refuse to be a MULE. Chloe_ is this a "generational curse*🤷🏽♀️ for black families/women?
Yes it is a generational curse. The Bible literally talks about loving others as you love yourself. Well if you don’t take care of yourself and make time for you, how will you be good for others?! I think people forget about that.
Especially if they’re single mothers.. I think it’s because we live in a unbalanced society where it’s a shame to simply be a feminine woman. My single mother had to work to take care of me and simply didn’t have the time or energy. It was like she was either being a mom or being in her masculine from working 8+ hrs a day just to survive. I ask myself this all the time.. how does a single woman fit womanhood in with working all day and then coming home to take care of and nurture her child? I see the struggle and the sacrifices they make every day.
Tabitha Muthoni I’ll be talking about this on my podcast @theayayvillage (on Instagram) I would love to have women like you there to talk about this with
You better PREACH this word!!!!!!!! Man I gotta stop mothering these grown, lazy, incompetent folks and start letting them fall. Can't save everybody!! #SaveYourself
I love this channel and I love Chloe she is always dropping priceless gems for free!!! Her advice has been so helpful to me. I've always been feminine and girly but I have kicked it up several notches. I used to downplay my femininity and girlyness because it intimidated so many people( male and female) even my own mother. But now it's all about me and putting myself and my femininity first. And who over doesn't like it can kick rocks!!!
This is everything! This just dawned on me.... I have been mothering alot of people all my life and took this as a compliment yet it was robbing me of my femininity.... Thank you so much! I knew something was off but just couldnt pin point because all the women around me are also operating in this mindset.
One of my favorite videos, from you Chloe. I'm only nurturing my small children and myself. I have noticed that women, that did not have a proper motherly figure in their upbringing, look for the mothering as well like some men do. In either case, both would benefit from therapy.
Yes, Ladies, be aware of this type of foolery. Men have been playing this game forever. I am a working businesswoman, and my ex-husband was trying to mold me into this maid-type spouse who cooks, cleans, does his laundry, etc., after working umpteen hours a day with little in return from him. I didn't like it and finally chose to opt out of the marriage and be true to myself over unfairness and a dusty.
Chloe, every time I think you’ve outdone yourself, you bring more heat. It is amazing how you can put into words what I’ve been trying to articulate for years!
This is an instant classic Chloe_ video! It sums up perfectly the issue that plagues many women in general but Black women in particular. The effect this behavior has on men, particular BM, was aptly described. Chloe, this was one of your best ever.
Emotional Husband(ref.Iyanla Vanzant) is what a lot of these men are to their single mothers. I do not blame these women bc they do not know any better & need to subscribe to this channel. It's just sad how this cycle of "oh I saw my mom/grandma do it all" and this is where it runs out. Men who are providers(keyword) will take it as an insult if you try to mother them bc, they are head of household and do not need any assistance.
Come to think of it my mother mothered my father and brother more than she did me. I'm the youngest and a girl but was not taught femininity, the only thing that I saw growing up was my mother fussing over the men. That's why most guys reject us if we hold them accountable as men instead of trying to "understand" their little pathetic egos.
Wonderful mind opening content. As women we have been unconsciously through lack of knowledge bought into a system that says once you are a mother every aspect of your life comes to a standstill. It shouldn't be this way. Journing through life we unlearn, embrace new ways through teachings brought by Chloe and other phenomenal women to become best version of ourselves as women. To women who understand Chloe's teachings I raise a glass to celebrate you. To women who haven't come across this message still stuck up in putting themselves last I hope they get to learn and celebrate their womanhood first. We are unbecoming to become new versions of ourselves.
I have watched this video a dozen times today. So much wonderful and insightful information that I need to absorb immediately. Thank you for this. I feel like it’s giving yourself permission to care and nurture yourself. I knew this was okay but something about your delivery has spoken straight to my subconscious.
Thank you much for this video I have turned on my womanhood femininity switch. I am also a mother of three boys so at times I do turn on my mommy switch but I've learned that it is very important to be a woman first 🥰
I am the youngest in the family but I have always been mothering my parents grandparents and my brothers they thought of me as strong and put all their burdens on me the moment I reached low In life and needed them they were nowhere to be seen they assumed I could do it all bcz I m a strong women or a mule that moment I stopped I gathered my shit healed myself and moved on I no longer mothering anyone except for my own kids period.
This is true. I even witness this in my community. From where I come from especially in my church community I barely see a woman mother her husband or any of her sons once they reach a certain age. When sons become adolescents or young adults they are groomed by the bible and older, wiser, experienced men to be providers and protectors and to love their wives like God loves the church and to learn to sacrifice themselves for their wives and families the way jesus sacrificed his life on the cross. And usually or should I say all the time marriages work because men and women know their duties and put them into practice for fluidity and success. This is a message for single mothers... Or fathers I guess. You don't have to play both feminine and masculine role to your children all the time. There are uncle's and aunts, male or female friends or just mentors who can be good role models for them. Expose them to people or a community where you want them to grow up and be like. Edit: is my comment too long for y'all to read or you simply don't agree?😂😂😂💔 If you don't agree you can tell me why. Don't be afraid I like to listen to others opinions. Edit: I bet my comment is too long. Sorry✌️😂
I def agree with cultivating a community of resources for your child as a single mother, I am trying my best to do that and teach/learn from other women the same ! I talk about it on my podcast @theayavillage
“And I will catch up with you ladies and lurkers in the next one” 👏🏾 I know that’s right!!! Keep them coming Chloe. Ladies and lurkers lets get our girl to 100k.
I had to check my notifications. I haven’t been notified when you post. It was turned on to “all” but I wasn’t notified of any of your videos. TH-cam needs to get it together.
This video is/was so spot on. I have a good friend that's interested in me and recently I fell and slightly hurt myself. She called to check on me (bless her heart). But the way she comes across she sounds like my Mother. Right I got off the phone with her this video popped up. Chloe_ you have a calling.
I agree. Motherhood is beautiful and should be but in my experience people will exploit the living hell out of your maternal extent for their own needs and resent you when you correct them on their behavior. 🤷🏿
A dusty once told me that “men are in search of their mother” ...and that I reminded him of his. 😒 I was naive and took this as a compliment. Ladies, do not spend your prime dwelling in your “maternal divine” 😩 while “building” and coddling grown men. Speaking from experience. I became so co-dependent that I found myself repeating the same behavior with family members. I’ve since unpacked the brainwashing in therapy and by creating distance. Do not be afraid to love your family from afar. Cultural engineering is no joke. People will groom you into a life of servitude if you allow them. And stop trying to be everyone’s savior. Save 👏🏾your👏🏾damn👏🏾self 👏🏾.
This comment changed my life! Thank you SO much for sharing. I’ve never related harder to something in my life. Sending you so much love and light 😘😘
Fineapple Felicity I take heed to this message. Thank you 🙏🏾
A FFTFOMSICHTS Awe, that’s very sweet of you. If my testimony helps just one person, I will continue to share it. Light and love to you as well 💕
M E S S A G E!
No but it's psychology, according to Sigmund Freud how we learn to build attraction towards the opposite sex, the whole process
Ends up making us look for (generally) the traits of our parents of the opposite gender, it's the subconscious blue print that we have,
Well but that doesn't mean that, a man should expect you to take care of him,
Or depend on you.
Even as an Arab woman, (who by the way loves your channel and draws many parallels between the black community and the Arab community), I have seen FAR TOO MANY WOMEN get married and become mothers and completely neglect their womanhood and femininity. This video was brilliant thank you for sharing.
Same! I think many women from different groups can learn from chloe 😊
❤️
Hazel S I am living in East Africa and it is difficult. Very misogynistic. Women are not considered women until they have a child. Then you are called by your child’s name instead of your own.
@@realwomenfirst6919 wow I never knew this
The Crab definitely agreed! I am Caribbean-American and I was raised to refer to elders by Ms. X/Mr. X to establish respect and differentiate authoritative respect from any random person.
I have observed so many women mother their boyfriends, husbands etc...as a Moroccan woman my mother also mothered my father and all she got back was blatant disrespect, cheating etc. Familiarity breeds contempt. DO NOT mother these grown boys/men ladies.
Dial down the empathy for ALL grown adults including friends/co workers not just men. Any time you get caught up in helping others, it’s less energy you have to improve your own life. If you are not where you want to be in life yet you don’t have the extra expendable energy for anyone other than yourself. Get all needy ppl out of your life or at least establish strict boundaries bc you will never reach your personal goals being grown adults mother. (I’m speaking from personal experience. The minute I got rid of all those ppl my mental health skyrocketed and found happiness)
Period period period!!!
A word!
Amen
If you don’t say that again!! Too much empathy attracts energy vultures. These vampires will gravitate towards anyone with a maternal radiance.
This is so true! I am currently trying to break away from having to support my family constantly and it can be difficult always feeling guilty if you don't give give give to grown adults who refuse to make better decisions for themselves
A former boyfriend of mine’s mother literally came out and told me I was trying to take her son away from her, some women really have inappropriate relationships with their sons.
Go see Colt and Debbie on 90 Day Fiance, that shit is just weeeeird.
@@Gryn651 My SIL tried to do this to me simply coz her own bf is a dusty. No thanks.
Fairy Dust Coltee
@@mcleanroom7997 Hahaha Coltee and his mama-wife. 🤢😅😂
@@Gryn651 thanks, she's younger than me and brainwashed so I just feel sorry for her tbh. She finances them too.🤢
Tried to explain this to some women who tried to shame me because I won’t mother my husband . Also dumped a lot of friends for trying to abuse me into mothering them constantly . Now , there will be moments when you will mother and console a friend or spouse but it cannot be on a regular basis . People are very entitled and expect you to deplete yourself to mother them. What do they give in return ? Do they give you gifts ? Do they visit you ? Plan things for you ? ..... I am not a man and I will not behave like it either . I even played that role to my own mother . The narcissist. I stopped that long long ago with everyone ! Thanks for explaining it . For those women who want to act like men , go right ahead , you won’t get much out of it but stress !! People will use you ! You’ll become their therapist involuntary lol , and they’ll gaslight you and tell you you’re so nice and you’re an angel 😇 , so they can continue to use you via mothering .
Also: if a woman shamed you because you’re not mothering , stay away from her , she’s trying to sabotage your feminine life .
Ppl are users periodt! When u put your foot down or don't fall for the game, they show u who they really are and how they really felt about u all along, good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing them to use u including your husband and friends! Be blessed beautiful!🙏🏼💜
When you start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, you don’t lose real friends or relationships, the truth is you lose manipulators, narcissists, attention seekers, abusers and mental health destroying leeches. It can be a hard pill to swallow, but that is reality.
ALLLLLLLLLL of this 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Manophere. com bruh you’ve been commenting everywhere like chill if you’re in your feelings feel free to leave this channel 🤦♀️
Manophere. com to take care of a woman you mean? Because he is a man that’s why.
I work in retail and the amount of women that come into my store with their families portraying this role is ridiculous! They’re chasing their children around, carrying the bags, AND pulling out the card to pay. What’s the man doing?? Standing behind her🤦🏾♀️
J Peavy exactly! And if I was her I wouldn’t even want to! I can’t think of anything less sexy lol
Omg you're absolutely right! The men usually just sit waiting for their women to do everything. Also, you are so stunning 🥺
I used to work at Bath and Body works and got some complaints because I’d look at these men crazy. And on top of that they don’t even pay! 🤮
This is so true. I work in retail too and see this all the time. Sometimes, the woman will quickly look at the man in some hope that he will pay but the man literally stands there until the woman pays. I always want to tell her that you can do a lot better!!!
badgyal TT thank you!!! ❤️❤️🥺
What stuns me is that when you refuse to be everyones “mother” people act like you’re the one with the problem...
“Put the needy on ice!” I love that...
Exactly! Because they aren’t getting what they want from you anymore. So now YOU became the “problem”. Smh
🤷🏾♀️ absolutely.
Exactly! It's sad
I am a woman first, a wife second, a mother third and a physician last. I received a lot of backlash because other women feel like I should prioritize being a mother over being a woman and wife. I do not feel that way. Motherhood is not all that I am. I became a mother 30 years into being a woman and a number of years into being a wife. I don't think we disappear the day we birth someone and that we start living for them entirely. If I won't forget myself for my own children, you best believe I won't for a grown man.
Amen!!!
Love this!!!
This!!! 💯
Perfect! You're the best and it's shows, always put yourself first because if you're not happy/complete nothing else matters 🙏🏼💜
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I appreciate it! I’m interested to know why you put being a wife over a mother. I always thought the idea was that you’ll always be a mother to your children but your husband can leave at anytime and then you won’t be a wife anymore
Yes Motherhood is a part of womanhood not the sum total of it.
Chloe is so intelligent and spills facts. When I get married and have children, I'd always return to this channel so as to not forget her previous teachings.
Thank you for this channel and thank you for saving my life.
Lots of love
🙏🏼💅🏽💜
Just submit properly, you'll be fine
❤️
Yes!!!!
You are so cute .
I always chuckle when I read comments like "I wonder if Chloe really has a man" or "Chloe is probably not who she claims to be". RESPONSE: We don't care!!! Her message is what's important. Her message has changed so many of our lives. If you're worried about who she is in her private life, you're missing the point.
Thank you. Chile. These. People.🙄
Exactly!!!!!
She’s married lol
Right! I like that she keeps her private life private and let's strangers speculate. And like you said, who cares?! It is so rare and just so tactful and classy to be anonymous and private these days..
Big big big facts! It’s the message
I know this is an older video but I pamper my inner little girl by giving the love I wanted as a child to my daughter. I was so happy she was a girl!! I coddle her, give her the attention I didn't receive, the gentle parenting I needed and finally the true positive loving reinforcement I needed. She's 8 articulate, speaks two languages, well mannered, and never spanked or down talked. Parenting our daughters lovingly and with nurture is really what I needed.
My mother never puts herself first and always taking the weight of everyone's problems as her own even when I point out she needs to relax. I was aware of this young and never gave into that and I get called selfish, bougie or mean...🤷🏾♀️ shamed for being less tied down
those are brainwashed people who have low self esteem
Ppl shame me all the time for being less tied down too! I'm 37 and raised my 19 yo daughter as a single mother because I chose not to marry her father because I saw he had anger issues and some other issues and I was 17 and he was 18 when I got pregnant....im so glad I didn't fall for his BS or anyone else who tried to shame me! My daughter graduated high-school at 17 and finished her esthetician license at 19, she is now an entrepreneur with her own products and services!!!! I realized those ppl were just jealous because I put myself and my daughter first and not a man! I still look like I'm in my 20s and my daughter will be 20 next week! I graduated college at 23 and been a RN for over 13years now! I teach my daughter to date up and put herself first and love herself!💅🏽🙏🏼💜💯
@@sonyab2u974 that's wonderful. Respect and love to you and your daughter.❤💯
Mine was the polar opposite 😳 very narcissistic and was therefore negectful and rarely cared about her children over herself, so a balance is a must
Exactlyyyyyyyyyy!
I really hate when other women ask me when I’m going to have kids?🤨My answer is when I get a ring.Those same women aren’t happy with their decision to have children before marriage but will try to sabotage me.
Same.
Exactly.
Misery loves company
My own damn momma. All her choices were horrible, including the one that stayed 🤮🤮😣
I really appreciate this topic. It was a challenge for me at first to separate myself from being a mother and a woman. I always try to separate the two. I hate seeing women describe themselves as "so and so's mommy" in their bio. That is not all you are, you are a woman first as you said and I used to feel guilty for separating the two but now with your advice I realize that I was right to do that and not be a lifelong "mommy". I can still be a good parent while also being a woman
Growing up I saw a lot of single moms in survival mode. All this sounds beautiful and is very true, but it is easier said than done when you are a single mom and trying to meet your children’s basic needs. That’s why it is important to practice hypergamy. My mom was single mother of 3 with no family support and last thing she could think about was femininity & putting herself first. Of course, as she got older she adjusted. I am grateful for her sacrifices. She is now living her best life.
Sounds like my mother as well
Good for her! Same here except my mom is still a mule in her 60s. The married women in my family are/were single mothers, if that makes sense.
As an older woman that listens to Chloe, I can tell you younger women to stop the mommy mindset. It won’t get you anywhere but angry, depressed, burnt out and lonely. I was taught to me a mother from tea party days. I’ve been a mother to my parents, my siblings, my classmates, neighbors, etc. my entire life. So when I got married the natural thing to do was to mommy my husband. In 20 years that didn’t end well. The abuse I suffered was real young ladies. I have several young men now and I refuse to be their “mommy”. I love my young men dearly but I’m not raising any man-child. They are from 11 to 29 years of age. They all cook and clean and take care of their own business. I’m teaching them what it is to be a whole man. Many of my friends thinks it’s child abuse that I don’t wash their clothes or have a hot meals for them. HA. I see my young men as grown. Don’t get it twisted ladies. My young men and I have fabulous, healthy relationship. We work on it daily. I’m just not their”mommy”. It’s me time and living my best life ever. From this old woman to you young ladies STOP THE MOMMYING. You are all Queens. Go get your Kings!
Thanks Chloe for not being afraid to speak the truth. Much love 💗💗💗
Im sorry - are you suggesting we dont provide food for an eleven year old child that we created? Simply because hes male?
@Taylor Anne no shes teaching them mommy thinks its uncool to feed her own damn kids like wtf.
Fairy Dust my nephews from 7-11 all can cook and feed themselves. It’s not science
Great video. Too many BW lose either their motherhood or womanhood due by not making active life choices. You don’t have to date dusty men or save dusty family members. You can have a career that doesn’t mentally and emotionally drain you at end of the day.
My mom didn't have the patience when dealing with me or my younger brother growing up. She took a militant approach and often took out her anger on us.. even though she was always a bit more lenient with my brother..Meanwhile my father was absent in the marriage and cheated on her often. Now that I'm older I could see how that stress caused her to react the way that she did.. ( which back then broke our relationship).
I'm 31 and ive chosen to go without children. I never had that warm nurturing relationship with my mom so I have no idea how to go about that within having children of my own, especially on a full time basis.
Ironically i've worked in childcare for over 10 years and even though I love kids.. Im lowkey happy to give them back to their parents at the end of the day.
My man, who's older and a great provider already has adults kids. We've already discussed if children are in our future.. after marriage ofcourse, I require a nanny, a maid as well as his presence. Until then, its me him and the cat lol 😬
There's nothing wrong w that
Okay Chloe, I’mma need you to email this women to all African moms everywhere,hell out this on billboards across the continent of Africa for all African women to see. African moms are notorious for equating womanhood and motherhood, saying that you are not really a women unless you are married or have children! You are still a woman even if you are not married or have kids! 🙄
Someone once asked a question on a ladies' forum. "Which one out of the following three are you first and foremost: a woman, a mother or a wife (if you're married)?" SO many women answered "mother" and I don't get it... For me, womanhood must come first, everything else flows from it. I seems so odd to me that you would call yourself a mother first and only then a woman. Is your womanhood not important to you, don't you value it?
I know this is a bit off topic, but wanted to throw that in
I can see why they do. Let’s be honest, if a woman who has children doesn’t basically say her children are her life and everything to her, they will shame her and say she’s a bad mother and therefore a defective woman. Loving them is not enough for society, you must be entirely devoted to child rearing and completely unfeminine and sexless.
@@hb7580 Exactly. This is why I'm always surprised to hear a woman express any regrets about motherhood. It's brave to admit it, although it shouldn't be. It's perfectly ok if it's not what you expected or desired. This honesty could help other women, but unfortunately, other women are the loudest judges!
I believe this why society shunned Ayesha Curry and deemed her as selfish. When she publicly expressed her grievance in feeling undesirable to men, in general, hopefully men and exhausted women everywhere were up in arms.
@@sixteen.candles.4644 I am a mother, too, but my womanhood wouldn't be any less important to me if I lost my son. Of course life would feel empty for a while, but that's not to say nothing else in my life would have any importance. My son is important to me, not the fact I am a mother. I really love and value being a woman, and I find it somehow really sad that women don't value their gender because they value more things that are made possible by the fact they are women.
@@KC-ny9cu How do you feel when the woman who express regret to her motherhood is your very own mother?🤔
Such a eye opener. Men don't forget their needs once they become fathers. Open your eyes wimen
Yesssss
I'm 23 with no kids and last year I basically mothered a man that 5 years older to me what a joke. I didn't even put myself first and was afraid to tell anyone no.Now since I dumped him, I went back to journaling, therapy, and put myself first before anybody (expect God of course ). Thanks chole_ for for the knowledge you give to growing young feminine woman like myself. Much love 😘💯
❤️❤️❤️
This will be me. I'm exiting this relationship
A self sacrificing mother will make her daughters develop masculinity to cover up for a husband that is not a masculine giver. First we have no model to learn feminity from, second we understand that our parents are not filled and we need to give give give (that is, be masculine). My mom is very feminine and this modern lifestyle made her very unhappy...
Mothered dusty till one day I found myself instructing the toddler and him in one breathe using the same tone of voice "stop climbing on that chair-just pay the rent!"😳 saw the problem right there 🤦🏽♀️
I've always been naturally pretty good at not mothering people in my life. I think it's because I look younger than my age so people naturally try to protect me and do things for me instead of asking me to do things for them. I definitely help people like my grandparents when needed but other than that people don't really bother asking me for anything too much lol 😅
same
🙌🏽I’m teaching my son right now, I only go on real dates! I want him to see how to court women and I’m receiving more! The difference is CRAZY!
Great video!! It is a difference between womanhood n motherhood and you explained it so perfectly!
Manophere. com this channel ain’t for you! Bye lurker *in my chloe_ voice*
I literally feel like a mother my own mother. All I do in the house is clean & cook and I’m only 15. I have 5 other siblings with the oldest one being 23 but I’m still the only one who cares. How do I disconnect myself from this role?
Work hard in school so you can escape and go to college.
I am 23 but i was in the same situation being a house slave since years in my own house but i realised that d more i do the more they expect of me and their dependency on me increases so i decided to take charge of own life i do as much as i cn and leave i try to stay outdoors as much as i can and use that time to improve myself like doing yoga or exercide in a public park listening to podcasts also i spend long hours in my college library..... now that i have standards they have started respecting my work and efforts i have put all these years
They might think it’s mothering simply because they are women. A lot of women never mother their men. They father men. The men who probably also grew up single moms who had to do both roles, think that is mothering. A lot of people never experienced having a father and don’t recognize differences between a mother type and father type.
I needed to hear this. I had to turn off mothering ways. I’m in grad school for social work I have made it my business to give to clients. Friends and family are on “ice” My skin is flourishing,taking care of self and reminding myself I am the most important thing. People will see you as a mother and you will be left drained. As always thank you chloe
Chloe actually cares about helping us yall...and thats the difference between her and others. She get straight to thw point. Ive literally listened to her on an entire work shift. Keep the content coming sis!
This video is life changing. Some things here, I've never thought of...like showing some womanhood for your children after 6 yo.
Today I was on motherhood mode for my parents, especially my father, who can not understand the COVID rules for people on his age...I was so angry, totally masculine. What you said was very important to me Chloe, I WILL NOT sacrifice my womanhood for nobody, even for the ones I love the most. I will do my very best, but I will rest in my womanhood now on.
Oh Lordt!!....I have soooo much to unlearn.😭😭😭 the beginning description felt like she is talking about me. 😭😭😭😭.
Hey Chloe! I actually have a male friend that I sometimes feel too motherly toward (he has some mental issues that make it feel like I'm his crutch) and I had enough of it because I ain't his momma! If he wants me around, I cannot be his "momma" anymore. Thanks for another AMAZING video! ☺❤
If he has mental issues, he should then visit a therapist. So that he can seek professional advice and figure out how to fix his problem himself. The least you can do is support as a friend. That's all. Yes, just like you said you are not his mother.✌️
Man this video is right on time. I don’t have this problem with men but my mother. Since I was about 10 I had to be the mother. It took a toll on me and I wasn’t even aware until my mid 20s. You are saving lives Chloe you really are.
I recently over looked out for a male platonic friend recently and he managed to over look my text. When you over look out for someone you just get “over looked” Never again!!!
I agree especially single moms confuse this. This is why I feel a single moms status is boosted more than a married mom or home maker moms in society. Cause if you do it by yourself your the better mother.
Among most women single moms get way more praise in motherhood than married moms. Married women are more praised for achieving a woman’s most ultimate prize and goal in her life in having a man and being married. Their not praised so much for their mothering skills or being a mother, unless their a stay at home mom. Career moms who work a lot but provide well for their family and kids are the least praised.
Efalonda I agree with what you saying that they get a bad rep because of the bad decisions and choices they be making in men and in general, but usually they get this bad rep by other men who they mostly try to date. They get a bad rep because they have that arrogant I’m strong, independent I can do it bad all by myself, so I think I’m better than you I don’t need you attitude. While thinking she has no confidence express to the world a false sense of confidence. That’s why single moms get a negative image and a bad rep.
I just had a therapyyyy session about this very topic this am. Synchronicity! At it's finest.
My family always stressed take care of take care of and I will get a blessing from god..... Talk about burn out.
Many said " I act funny now" because I refuse to be a MULE.
Chloe_ is this a "generational curse*🤷🏽♀️ for black families/women?
Yes it is a generational curse. The Bible literally talks about loving others as you love yourself. Well if you don’t take care of yourself and make time for you, how will you be good for others?! I think people forget about that.
Great topic motherhood vs womanhood ❤️
Excellent topic and right on time!!!! It took me wearing myself out to the point of getting sick with cancer to be able to receive this message.
All the best Nelly, we pray for your health and healing and your journey to putting You first, be blessed! ❤️
Especially if they’re single mothers.. I think it’s because we live in a unbalanced society where it’s a shame to simply be a feminine woman. My single mother had to work to take care of me and simply didn’t have the time or energy. It was like she was either being a mom or being in her masculine from working 8+ hrs a day just to survive. I ask myself this all the time.. how does a single woman fit womanhood in with working all day and then coming home to take care of and nurture her child? I see the struggle and the sacrifices they make every day.
I would like to know this too..
How can a single mom being in her feminine glory and all we do is work...
I'm already exhausted
Tabitha Muthoni exactly! I wish I knew the answer.. I get the message in this video but it’s easier said than done for single moms.
Tabitha Muthoni I’ll be talking about this on my podcast @theayayvillage (on Instagram) I would love to have women like you there to talk about this with
Have a support system (family or paid) or only have one child...
Watching this while Self-caring....
You better PREACH this word!!!!!!!! Man I gotta stop mothering these grown, lazy, incompetent folks and start letting them fall. Can't save everybody!! #SaveYourself
I love this channel and I love Chloe she is always dropping priceless gems for free!!! Her advice has been so helpful to me. I've always been feminine and girly but I have kicked it up several notches. I used to downplay my femininity and girlyness because it intimidated so many people( male and female) even my own mother. But now it's all about me and putting myself and my femininity first. And who over doesn't like it can kick rocks!!!
This is everything! This just dawned on me.... I have been mothering alot of people all my life and took this as a compliment yet it was robbing me of my femininity.... Thank you so much! I knew something was off but just couldnt pin point because all the women around me are also operating in this mindset.
Thank you for this.. even though I have no children, I can see how I've been "mothering" some of the the broken adults in my life.
I finished all the episodes from the podcast and had to migrate to TH-cam. As young black woman, who *just* turned 20, these videos are imperative!!
Lol, “walking pacifier”, good one Chole_ 😂
One of my favorite videos, from you Chloe. I'm only nurturing my small children and myself.
I have noticed that women, that did not have a proper motherly figure in their upbringing, look for the mothering as well like some men do. In either case, both would benefit from therapy.
I was in motherhood mode thanks for shearing the knowledge ❤️
So many of us are in this mode, I see it a lot in my community.
Yes, Ladies, be aware of this type of foolery. Men have been playing this game forever. I am a working businesswoman, and my ex-husband was trying to mold me into this maid-type spouse who cooks, cleans, does his laundry, etc., after working umpteen hours a day with little in return from him. I didn't like it and finally chose to opt out of the marriage and be true to myself over unfairness and a dusty.
Chloe, every time I think you’ve outdone yourself, you bring more heat. It is amazing how you can put into words what I’ve been trying to articulate for years!
This is such a good video... this video should be basic education for high school and college young women. Excellent Chloe.
This is an instant classic Chloe_ video! It sums up perfectly the issue that plagues many women in general but Black women in particular. The effect this behavior has on men, particular BM, was aptly described. Chloe, this was one of your best ever.
Emotional Husband(ref.Iyanla Vanzant) is what a lot of these men are to their single mothers. I do not blame these women bc they do not know any better & need to subscribe to this channel. It's just sad how this cycle of "oh I saw my mom/grandma do it all" and this is where it runs out. Men who are providers(keyword) will take it as an insult if you try to mother them bc, they are head of household and do not need any assistance.
OMG, I went broke doing this, taking care of everyone. Spent Over 500,000 .
I needed to hear this! 💯
Come to think of it my mother mothered my father and brother more than she did me. I'm the youngest and a girl but was not taught femininity, the only thing that I saw growing up was my mother fussing over the men. That's why most guys reject us if we hold them accountable as men instead of trying to "understand" their little pathetic egos.
I needed to see this. I knew if I am not careful I can easily become TOO nurturing
Glad I’m open minded bc try telling this to the women in my community🥴. They think motherhood is all they supposed to do.
Wonderful mind opening content. As women we have been unconsciously through lack of knowledge bought into a system that says once you are a mother every aspect of your life comes to a standstill. It shouldn't be this way. Journing through life we unlearn, embrace new ways through teachings brought by Chloe and other phenomenal women to become best version of ourselves as women. To women who understand Chloe's teachings I raise a glass to celebrate you. To women who haven't come across this message still stuck up in putting themselves last I hope they get to learn and celebrate their womanhood first. We are unbecoming to become new versions of ourselves.
I have watched this video a dozen times today. So much wonderful and insightful information that I need to absorb immediately. Thank you for this. I feel like it’s giving yourself permission to care and nurture yourself. I knew this was okay but something about your delivery has spoken straight to my subconscious.
Thank you CHLOÉ your videos are like church
I always wait for your video every Sunday. Love them
This speaks to my soul. Thank you!!!!
Been waiting patiently on this one! Thanks Chloe 👑
You better PREACH 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
A whole WORD on Gods good Sunday 🔥
Thank you much for this video I have turned on my womanhood femininity switch. I am also a mother of three boys so at times I do turn on my mommy switch but I've learned that it is very important to be a woman first 🥰
You gave us a whole gem with this video. Thank you. ❤
I get can’t enough! Life lessons. Thanks Chole.
Thank you for my Sunday Word, Chloe.
I am the youngest in the family but I have always been mothering my parents grandparents and my brothers they thought of me as strong and put all their burdens on me the moment I reached low In life and needed them they were nowhere to be seen they assumed I could do it all bcz I m a strong women or a mule that moment I stopped I gathered my shit healed myself and moved on I no longer mothering anyone except for my own kids period.
Chloe, great video. You hit everything and answered all my questions.
I am literally speechless. So many gems in this video👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Chloe is the truth❤️
This is true. I even witness this in my community. From where I come from especially in my church community I barely see a woman mother her husband or any of her sons once they reach a certain age. When sons become adolescents or young adults they are groomed by the bible and older, wiser, experienced men to be providers and protectors and to love their wives like God loves the church and to learn to sacrifice themselves for their wives and families the way jesus sacrificed his life on the cross. And usually or should I say all the time marriages work because men and women know their duties and put them into practice for fluidity and success.
This is a message for single mothers... Or fathers I guess. You don't have to play both feminine and masculine role to your children all the time. There are uncle's and aunts, male or female friends or just mentors who can be good role models for them. Expose them to people or a community where you want them to grow up and be like.
Edit: is my comment too long for y'all to read or you simply don't agree?😂😂😂💔 If you don't agree you can tell me why. Don't be afraid I like to listen to others opinions.
Edit: I bet my comment is too long. Sorry✌️😂
I def agree with cultivating a community of resources for your child as a single mother, I am trying my best to do that and teach/learn from other women the same ! I talk about it on my podcast @theayavillage
Well, it seems I've wasted my whole life then, because all l I've ever done is take care of and look after others. 🤦🏾♀️
I used to say that my archetype or persona was Demeter. I am so glad to now have that in my past! 🎊💕🍋❕
I am here to affirm today that your channel is going to change my life ✨
“And I will catch up with you ladies and lurkers in the next one” 👏🏾 I know that’s right!!! Keep them coming Chloe. Ladies and lurkers lets get our girl to 100k.
Juicy and not dried up!❤
I had to check my notifications. I haven’t been notified when you post. It was turned on to “all” but I wasn’t notified of any of your videos. TH-cam needs to get it together.
Thank you Chloe 💕💕 this is so insightful and I pray I turn off motherhood mode and go for gold💕🔥
You are helping me so much thank you🙏❤
This video is/was so spot on. I have a good friend that's interested in me and recently I fell and slightly hurt myself. She called to check on me (bless her heart). But the way she comes across she sounds like my Mother. Right I got off the phone with her this video popped up. Chloe_ you have a calling.
ty. perfectly delivered. ty again.
Bravo, bravo, and more bravo. Much needed for a time as this. Thank you Ms. Chloe, you are profound.
I love this perspective of motherhood ❤️
Whew teared up watching this 😢😫
Your content is so precious and liberating, this one is much appreciated 🌻🌻🌻
I agree. Motherhood is beautiful and should be but in my experience people will exploit the living hell out of your maternal extent for their own needs and resent you when you correct them on their behavior. 🤷🏿
This was perfect timing! Thank you Chloe
Omg!! Eye opener.
walking pacifier 😂😂😂 think twice ladies! Chloe you're a genius!
the truth hurts but it will make us better!!
That was so good Chloe. Thank you!
This is the one...this was sooo good and makes so much sense...thanks Chloe♥️
Thank you 🥰
Omg welp u already made the video play I found it! Awesome job as usual! Chloe you are a 💎!