Stonewalling in Relationships (The PROVEN WAYS to Deal With it)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2024
- STONEWALLING IN RELATIONSHIPS (THE PROVEN WAYS TO DEAL WITH IT)
How to stop stonewalling in relationships between persons? Do you have stonewalling in relationships issues? Are you sick and tired of your stonewalling in relationships problems? Are you wondering whether any advice on dealing with stonewalling in ever work?
Well, typically, stonewalling in relationships means that there is a lot of resistance and pent up emotions, and stonewalling in relationships usually begin when we have a lot of pent up/repressed emotions within us.
But once you learn how to stop stonewalling in relationships, communication becomes much more effective and effortless.
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@@johnspartan98 To each their own. Good luck! You're free to live your life your own way, just know, there are better ways to live life than simply saying "screw it"!
@@GeoffreySetiawan
I'm actually surprised you commented back to me. Thank you and kudos for that.
I appreciate what you are doing for people. You have taken up a noble cause.
Stonewalling is so immature.
I have been patient time and time and time again. I’ve taken the hurt and given in so many times. Now if they don’t come back to me after 24 hours, they are blocked from my life. I would rather be alone than be in a relationship with someone who controls me through stonewalling.
Seems like alot of work for the person being stonewalled, while hurting. Takes alot of control while they get to shut down. But I understand. Great info.
Hi Kai, happy this video & info was helpful. Thank you!
Ikr
It seems like these ppl that stone wall need to go to therapy and heal and leave ppl out of their selfish bs!
You know what truly sucks? When your mother did this to you during all your childhood and after getting married, it begins to happen again.
I was ridiculously blind to it with my mom!
My ex and my mom both responded to me with DARVO via text (written out was easier to identify than in the moment) within 24 hours of each other. It took that for me to see I was attempting to repair my relationship with her the whole time, from my teens through all my 20s, via avoidant partners. I stayed 7 years with two different peoole because I really believed I'd be able to get them to understand, "if I could just get through to him!" Eventually I realized they were intentionally misunderstanding. 🙄
.. terrible...did you find any solutions?
For me, it was my mother, my now ex husband, now my daughter. 💔
What about the hurt that the stonewalled person feels? This requires the Stone walled person to always be the calm and level headed person. At what point if any does the person doing the stonewall, make an effort to fix the tension and problem in the relationship?
I agree. At some point the stonewaller needs to be accountable.
You can’t control the actions of others you only have control of your own so you have to do what you feel is best
What's missing from this video that Gottman provides are self-soothing techniques for the one being stonewalled.
Just my thoughts. The whole thing sounded to me like like "how to tip toe around your defensive partner", in which case it would ultimately be either manipulating them or taking responsibility for their emotions. Both should feel they have the same power to influence the relationship and each other's emotions from a place of reciprocity and authenticity. My question is: why on earth should I have to tiptoe around a stonewalling partner instead of looking for a mature relationship?
True, it's my mother who has been stonewalling me for over two years but at this point I don't know if I can just forget the pain of being silenced, and cornered in to playing the part she wrote for me. That's it. I must be who she says I am. Didn't even criticise her, but she's so defensive that if I ask her not to label me, she martyrs up.
The goal is to meet someone that has healed themselves before you both meet .. this is something I've experienced recently in my new relationship and it's such a beautiful place
Where do you find these people?
I have a stonewalling partner currently, who I care about a lot, and when you take a closer look at them you see that this is not an expression of a lack of respect but mostly a shutdown from overwhelm. I confirm that the advices Geoffrey gives are really working in real life.
Additional tips:
1.Start calmly and gently and give them time to respond.
2.When the partner tells bullshit excuses, don't take it personally because it's only an instinctive defense (you can even laugh at how ridiculous they are), but calmly state your original claim again and again.
3. Be ready to stop and postpone the conversation. Self soothing and self control are the key skills here.
Thank you Geoffrey for providing so many tools to help instead of the pop-psychological approach of "red flags" and labeling everyone "narcissist", that is so easy to buy into because it takes of us the responsibility and effort we need to put in on our side.
I cannot really deal with bullshit excuses especially since he became the king of lies ..I learned this from his coveting his cheating five years prior. So I am always afraid he is cheating now when his stories do not line up for blocks of time he is gone. We went through counseling . He thought it was to his benefit. She caught him in lies. Took us a year and five years later everything is going back or reverting to old habits.
For conquering stonewalling, I wish Geoffrey had a solution for non-verbal communication over text. A lot of the time this is where we are banished to. Text brings on a whole different set of rules I'm sure. I mean it's not so easy to pause mid conversation for 5 days in a face to face meeting. Navigation of that and keeping calm is not easy.
1 get angry 2 cold shoulder 3 "ok, then lets separate"
This is advice for someone dealing with a partner who doesn't have a personality disorder, but for those of us dealing with an abusive narcissistic and someone who has NPD and a full-fledge personality disorder, this explanation and approach will only get you more abused.
I recently watched a video that was recommended to me about the golden rules for a relationship. The girl first mentioned the negative factors that would make a relationship last and she mentioned stonewalling and briefly described it. I never knew there was a term for my own behavior. People have told me that I get really “standoffish”. And I knew with my relationship, I literally shut down. I know the core of it is because I know that stuff I have said in the heat of the moment has really hurt some people, so I’d rather say nothing than something. But over the years, I’ve learned that that could hurt as well. I’ve learned this behavior my whole childhood and now it’s so hard for me to speak my own emotions, especially in the heat of the moment! I really loved this video in knowing my situation and behavior better! You definitely got a sub from me! Thank you!!
Hi Cristina! So honored to hear this :) Thank you for the sub!
So when someone confront you or raises the fact that you REALLY hurt their feelings, you just ignore them? I’m just trying to understand it
@@nadinegomez8858 no... I didn’t specify that. If confronted I will express myself but I usually don’t take initiative.
Same, I don’t want to fly off the handle or escalate things further. I feel like I get to a certain point where anything that I have to add is not going to help the situation so I just shut down. It’s so hard.
@@Cacalove2k11..that's not stonewalling then
When they are stone walling you - they have stated they want to be left alone - if you go for a hug youll get pushed away.
Thanks for watching! If you want to get access to the 5-part training series and stop the cycle of stonewalling, then leave a comment below with #StopStonewalling!
#stopstonewalling how can I get the series? 🙈
Same.
@@mingsmakeup3854 Hi Ming! Apologies for the super late response. Your comment must've gotten missed in my notifications. But here is a link to the 5-part series! relationshipsmastered.com/mini-series-optin
@@Xenji5 Hey man! Here's the link! relationshipsmastered.com/mini-series-optin
#stopstonewalling
he is the one wholashed out and started stonewalling me because i cried after he yelled. i dont believe i should initiate the touch, its always me. if i ask him hows he is feeling he pretends he doesnt know what im talking about by saying " nothing" "fine" but his eyes say i dont want to discuss anything
I agree. There are many times when you can’t hug or be kind to the stonewaller because they don’t deserve it all or because they don’t even give you a chance to. This video doesn’t make total sense. Stonewalling for long periods is unhealthy.
@@sharatsharma8251 Sometimes you can straight up TELL Them what they are doing and break it down and even give them a fucking ARTICLE written by a LITERAL doctor. Know what their cure for that is?
"I'm not stonewalling you."
If the other person refuses to even acknowledge their part in it, then no amount of discussion will fix shit. Because the other person just WON'T look at their wrongs.
My goodness man. This video is amazing. This was exactly how I felt in my last relationship. The 3 reasons for Stonewalling are 100% true. Thank you for giving a guide to correct and solve the problem.
Of course! Glad you found this valuable and that it resonated with you.
I felt like I found a gem when I found this video. Thank you for making this. I need to watch it many times to take it all in. In a nutshell I always thought he was punishing me, so naturally I react with anger. There isn't safety for our emotions in conversations. I am glad to see his position from another angle (possibilities) and to understand a little more about myself.
That's awesome! Love how open minded you are :)
WOW. This video is life changing. As someone who sometimes stonewalls due to not having that sense of safety to open up about how I truly feel, this is spot on true. Not only that, but I also have someone in my life who stonewalls and everything you said in this video is extremely helpful. Especially realizing that effectiveness is more important... be their safe space and let them have time. Reward for opening up. Wow, truly wholesome video. Subscribed so quick! God bless you!!!
Hi NS,
Happy that this video was helpful & life changing for you. Thank you!
#StopStonewalling Thank you Geoffrey Setiawan for introducing me to Stonewalling as I've not heard about it! I love the tips on how to stop Stonewalling! You explain it so well, with real compassion.
I just walk away with no closure even if I loved him and still today
I saw a lot of videos about stonewalling, ghosting, getting blocked, but it was more about narcissists and how to get out of a narcissistic relationship.
But I was looking for a way to handle the stone walling from my bf. He gets upset easily and then blocks me for some days and I get very angry and sometimes aggressive and tell him to never do that again. Without success..
Watching your video really helped me to understand the dynamics!
And when I look back, the main reason why he blocked me was because he thought I didn't care for him or want to leave him.
So to make him feel safe is definitely the key I guess. Will be hard for me since I am very independent and need a lot of freedom, but I don't want to give up on this relationship
I just used this! Omfg what a difference. It was the most emotionally honest conversation we’ve ever had. I’m def fallowing your channel.
Awesome Noe! Keep watching and keep growing.
Thank you for your sub and support.
Great video Geoffrey and very helpful! I can definitely see how most people really struggle with this especially in long term relationships.
Great topic Geoffrey!! Comes up so often in working with couples. Nicely done!! Take care and thanks!!❤❤🤙
Wow. This was very enlightening thank you. New subscriber this definitely caught my attention. More helpful than you know.
This is amazing. Thank you so much 💎✨
What if it’s an angry stonewalling when the partner doesn’t want to be touched and want you to leave them alone in the room?
Then leave them alone. They are warning you. Somethimes its better to leave then to punch your partner. And somethimes you need to be alone and let your thoughts calm down. Let them and they might eventuaĺy come to you when they are ready.
Isn’t the problem with the person who is stonewalling tho.. it’s so immature.. just communicate like an adult
I’m beyond angry right now that my wife is stonewalling me. I’m trying to get through all this but I’m learning to let go
I am in the same boat
Fed up..
Wow, this helps understand so much! Thank you!
My husband will take weeks, months, or years...his stonewall game is like none other! I'm watching and learning from your videos & love your teaching style.
Hi again LoveOptimistic, watch here of my many clients who also started out in similar circumstances just like yours.
th-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU.html
Very helpful. My girlfriend is not too convinced that I love her, but when I ask her to describe her love language to me, she never goes into depth with it so I can truly understand, which is frustrating. She’ll start off by seeming bothered and then gives me a surface level explanation. If I ask her to explain further, she stonewalls. This has become increasingly difficult to deal with because I have always given her the space to communicate anything without me getting mad.
Hi there! It's difficult for me to give you the best advice as I don't know the full background here, but I'll try my best!
From what I am getting, this is definitely a safety issue. There is something that is making her feel impatient or reluctant to be completely open and vulnerable.
Not getting mad is a great step, but there are a lot of other more subtle, and often missed, ways we destroy safety in a relationship.
Here are a few questions for you:
- Do you know the core reasons why she doesn’t feel your love? (And the answer here is not what MORE you can do, but what are you currently doing to cause that?
- You mentioned that you find her not going to in-depth about her love language frustrating. Is any of this frustration showing in any way?
- When she responds by being bothered, how do you respond back? Do you know how to persist and break through that wall properly, or do you give up or back down?
- When you ask her to explain further, what are the words/tone that you use? Is it an invitation or is it forceful?
You've explained this so well. #safetyfirst
wow Geoff u are brilliant!, I really liked the way there was a solution for my reaction to the stonewalling
Glad this was valuable for you :)
genuinely very useful, my friend is not a narc at all and most of the other advice I could find was all centred around narcissistic abuse. definitely going to remember these tips
I just found this channel today after seeing other videos regarding no contact and manipulation that really don't sit well with me. I don't agree that catharsis calms all of us down, but otherwise I'm so impressed with Geoffrey. It seems to me that his partner is an incredibly fortunate person. He's so kind and insightful while staying focused on the health and well being of both partners. How does such a young human get this awesome. I wish him success and happiness.
Hi Bonnie Clayton,
I appreciate you compliment and feedback. Glad you found my channel and also be sure to stay tuned because we have a very exciting calendar ahead.
I get angry when my partner does stonewalling. 😔 we are currently in a long distance relationship because of the pandemic.
Thank you! What a good content and neutral deliver. Keep going! 👍
Nice to hear from a fan! :) Thank you. You made my morning.
Wow Geoffrey this has helped so much
Ok, so this is happening to me right now. The first days I got really angry, then I got seriously depressed, I've tried talking, being friendly, acting like nothing happened, being mean again, giving space. It's been four days of very cold treatment, and I've just been feeling seriously confused, frustrated, unappreciated and very sad. Sure, he sort of answers me back, but it's one lines like: okay, no, yes. I paused the video when asked to comment bellow on how i'm coping with it, let's see how the rest goes.
So how do you guys get back to talking?
@@AZ-ti8jt We never did. I understood that I can't make someone else talk to me if they don't want to. So I moved on. After I started another relationship, that's when the talking sort of started again, but then it was too late. It's very sad, we were married 14 years.
@@victoriasoto5615 Hi Victoria, I'm going through this exact same thing right now. He is not responding to anything Ive tried everything and it has been 4 days. Im married as well and I'm not sure how this relationship can continue if he shuts me out. I would love to talk more about your experience as I dont have anyone around me who has experienced this
@@melrichardson9249 Oh Mel, as the video explains, many things can lead up to the stage of stonewalling. I think by that time it's reached, it's time to give complete space. My experience was that all the attempts I made to get closer were badly received. As I said, I moved on and then after months we started talking. Love is a weird thing, men think they have it figured and drive us crazy by ignoring us when we crave it most, but it's only when we find our inner peace and forget about them, that they come back. That's my update for you, I cried for months after he shot me out like that, but then I moved on. He wants us to get back together it seems, but now I am just not interested. My life is way more significant without trying to figure out someone else's drama. I accept I used to nag a lot, that's on me. So my priority from now on is my own well-being. It's easier said than done, but just trying has made all the difference in the world for me.
What about long distance relationships? Where communication has to be done through technology. How do you approach and embrace them then? How can you lower those walls and get them to express themself when they're thousands of miles away?
This be worth to know
YES!
Make a video about this! Yes!
I have a 'stonewaller'. I use to think he was punishing me. But now I think it's because he gets so upset that he doesnt know what to say. Then with my reaction of, "oh, so youre not talking to me huh?" (flip of the hand) "whatever" obviously doesnt help anyone.
Then I go away and leave him to pout. While hes "pouting" I think he is also thinking because when he comes back to me he has very much to say but not in a nice way.
It looks like I meed to change my ways.
Yes -- In what ways are you planning on changing how you respond?
@@GeoffreySetiawan i plan to check on him periodically, every 20 minutes or so, and try to touch him if he will allow it and ask him how he is feeling and tell him that if he wants to talk I will try to be a good listener. If this doesn't work, I will wait for him to come to me, which he will eventually. I hope I can get him to sooner rather than later by creating safety for him to express himself without getting jumped on.
This was an amazing video!! Thank you so much. I am dating the most wonderful man who stonewalled me. We talked it out but I feel like it may happen again. I would love to learn more.
Let me know how I can help!
Fantastic video, my partner has stonewalled me from the start, it made me feel worthless .
Glad you found it valuable Kylie! Remember that no one stonewalls on purpose. :)
@@GeoffreySetiawan i think this comment alone reframes my perspective on stonewalling. When you think they are doing it on purpose, you will believe its abuse and get angry. But if you know that these people can't help it, then you can be a bit more compassionate
Thank you for this very clear explanation... it is very difficult to deal with this type of behaviour. I left a long relationship due to 'stonewalling' - just lost the will to want to connect in the end. However, I think what I take with me after listening, is the EFFECTIVENESS over EFFICIENCY notion along with the active listening strategies. Another big part is how this behaviour leaves you.
I agree, I like to say quality of quantity. In order to break through in your relationship, you will have to break though what I call paradox of change.
th-cam.com/video/iyxOuKmuTuY/w-d-xo.html
Great advice!
My boyfriend is in the habit of stonewalling me for 2 or 3 days and it's so frustrating when for no rhyme or reason he just keeps quiet..when I asked him why he always did that ,he told me,"I don't know,that's just me."
Keep watching my videos on stonewalling -- it will give you a ton of clarity on what's happening and what to do here: th-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNfx_aC58rmzMRkKkDLlvv.html
This is grossly accurate to the point that I’m getting chills.
Wow! This actually helps every single time. He would stonewall me for days. I would walk away after “trying” my way which then lead me to berating him or over explaining and nagging. He needs me to just be calm and kind or else he can’t communicate. So when he starts stonewalling, I try to not panic and remember love first over fear. I chose to love him first and it’s so hard when I’m hurting and afraid. At first he was uncomfortable when I’d hold his hand, like he felt there was an ulterior motive, now he trusts my hand holding and doesn’t push me away. I need that from him too, but if it’s harder for him and takes longer, why not I just do it? I get what I need too even if that means I have to initiate. Amazing what one small change that’s easier for me to do, can do for my relationship. Thank you!!!
Thank you for this! Do you have any other things that help?
The biggest thing that helped me in this video was the fact you taught me that my husband does not feel safe.
That is why he is stonewalling.
I even talked to my husband about this he said wow that guy really knows what hes talking about you should try to learn from him so I. Am trying to sign up for your course now.
This is what I needed to hear.
Thank you. I used to react opposite to your advice . Love the practical steps !
I love the science behind the embracement and the two simple questions that have open ends to them to understand your partner
Glad you found this valuable!
My dad copes with stonewalling and I just learned that I do this too. I wasn’t aware. I do feel unsafe and not loved and you are right once I get time I calm down and the I can talk. I feel everything I was suppressing at the moment. I turn cold when I stone wall I don’t want to touched or manipulated. But need inside I don’t want to be alone either. I just feel confused and don’t know how to respond after feeling hurt. When am at that state. I forget all the good and I start to believe everything isn’t true. But when I am calm I can remember and think better. I do want my partner to held me and tell me they aren’t leaving. I do want to feel safe. But when I am at that state I even feel disgust and I don’t let him touch me. It so confusing. That’s why am here try to understand how I and why I do it. I don’t want to keep feeling like this. I don’t want have this pattern. I am going to share this with him. Idk if it will help. I just to know how to let him hold my hand. He doesn’t disgust me I think it’s the stress that makes me feel sick. I want him to just demand me. Idk why.. to just say “no we are staying together” “ Let me hold your hand” or “ give me your hand” I thinks weird that I feel I want that. To be ordered, like “ you are sleeping over”. I guess I would make me feel more wanted by him. I am just venting here and confused. Thank you for the content. Very helpful.
this is exactly how I feel.
Hmmmmm
Everything that you explain I dealing with the same exact thing and also I get it from my dad as well because my dad would stonewall in conflict when the conflict get too intense he just shut down and says he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore and walks always, he runs !! and I had to sit down to myself and really think why do I keep doing this not only I’m hurting my partner but I am hurting myself, when I’m in conflict I can handle a bit of it in the beginning but when it gets intense i just freeze I leave , run , I need my space to think , to evaluate myself , it’s like my adrenaline starts to rush my brain starts to rush and gets foggy my communication starts to rattle it just too much to handle in the moment .
This was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁☺☺☺☺☺😊😊😊😊😊😊❤
I go to my garden. I read. I sit and listen to my heart.
I look for suggestions. I found that there is a communication formula. And I also found I Want, Need and Love communication. I do my homework.
Thank you for your energy.
🙊🙉🙈
I just practiced this. It worked. She talked to me in 2 days I just held her hand asked how do you feel she answered with anger but she slowly talked to me calmly. And I end the conversation and came back.
I think the worst I do is say horrible things when faced with stonewalling. I feel so upset and hurt and then I get angry and say the worst. And then I just hate myself.
Hi Geoffrey - hope you're well - how can you do this when you are in a long distance relationship?
I need to show this video to my Aunt
In times past I would try to force my spouse to communicate. Now I just let it ride, however it is having a negative effect on me. My spouse has not spoken to me in 4 days. We have been married almost 20 years.
Omg exactly!! You're basically advancing their technique to neglect where you're coming from in the first place!!
Yes, time to draw the line in the sand before it turns to neglect
me: tell me what you're thinking. him: I'm thinking about how much I do not want to be here right now
Hi Ruth! What you're experiencing is actually a very common issue among ALL my clients. After all, if your partner is closed off, it would be unrealistic to think that one question can suddenly open him up.
That said, the video below will explain how to make sense of his response, and what you need to do to respond back.
The people that understand & master the skill I share in that video are usually the ones that are able to break through and transform their relationships massively, while the people who can’t master it are the ones who remain stuck in the same cycle.
th-cam.com/video/iU2oi00LbeI/w-d-xo.html
Definitely being stonewalled. Finding the right time to approach a stonewaller is key!
Excellent!
This is excellent information. Many times the ego gets in the way. And yes!! Safety in a relationship is key! But my question is, what is you're dealing with a possible narcissist? Is this effective with a partner exhibiting narcissistic behavior? I've tried almost everything but maybe not in an effective way such as what you've suggested. Should I still try?
Thank you!
Hey there thank you for posting your videos i want to say first that your videos have helped me in my relationship a lot my question for you is I developed a sort of tendency to Stonewall my partner because I felt like she was incapable of listening to me when I would talk about things that I felt passionately about she would tell me I was pushing her away she needed space and eventually I just gave up on trying to talk I would tell her that I was fine when really I wasn't and this led to me contacting another female and attempting to hook up with her unsuccessfully however my girlfriend found out and we are currently trying to rebuild is there any advice you have for how to delicately handle the situation of exploring the root cause of why I did this
This is one video out of a thousand on this topic that doesn’t just dismiss this bad behavior as someone being a psychopath or narcissistic.
I see a lot of angst in the comments section about how this guy is justifying stonewalling.
The way I see it, not all stonewallers are narcissistic, immature creatures. Some have actually been pushed to that zone. I think this guy is speaking for that section, where we could try out his methods and attempt to break through to the person. No one wants to end a relationship before even trying to work things out, right? So it's worth trying to salvage it. Of course, if after repeated attempts from your end, he/she still shows no change, you know it's time to move on. That he/she is probably that narcissistic brat.
The human psyche is more complicated than we'd like to believe..
Manali -- You're getting the right idea! 😉
Tried this and it worked. Including the touching thing and the listening.
Wohoo! Awesome stuff. Thank you for taking the time to write this :)
Thanks dude.
This is really good, from one so young.
There is this powerfulman who help restored back my broken relationship after many years of separation, he can help you too via his Whatsapp on
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Great video! Such an important topic and good tips. These things certainly can make or break a relationship!
Me for past 3 months "how are you feeling?" He for past 3 months "I don't know."
I like that you admit you have stonewaller traits as well! You just got a new sub! 👍🏽
Hi John,
Yes, it is so common for ourselves not to open up to others when we feel like sharing our thoughts and emotions will not lead to a good result. This is quite natural.
But some are usually quick to label others when we they do this. Without seeing first that we to do this.
Remember to ask yourself. Is my partner not sharing with me because of their character or the environment?
Check out this great video below from one of my clients regarding him being completely stonewalled.
th-cam.com/video/cXue29R61E0/w-d-xo.html
Hey Geoffrey, I have a big problem which is my GF is not able to discuss tough things in person. She really can't, I say stuff to her and all she can do is stare in silence. She insists in doing it through messaging. This makes your advice of getting closer impossible, we're separated because of covid too. Setting communication to this medium makes each other interpret things in a bad light and I feel like she's not reading what I'm saying at all. I do not start agressively, I start with gentle words and tell her how I'm feeling but she tends to get defensive, avoids questions, downplays my feelings, and says I'm always starting problems, the usual thing people do when they're defensive.. I feel like there's a lot of empathy lost communicating like this. This of course affects me too as I'm aware that if she were seeing my emotional state she wouldn't be responding like she did and my response turns more aggressive like you said because I feel like the only one trying to address things and she's just letting them drag on, and I'm getting insulted on top. It makes me feel worthless and like my feelings aren't valid.
I feel like when I'm with her I'm the most important person in the world to her, but when we're away it feels like she doesn't care about me. It's so confusing, it makes me doubt my feelings, her feelings, my self-worth, her priorities (she sometimes promises to do something and weeks go by, I always have to be the one to remind her, and by that time I'm already pissed off and I find myself unable to deal with defensiveness). She knows she does these things and she wants to stop, but like you say she feels overwhelmed. How can we escape this lack of empathy caused by not being close together and the major lack of communication cues that it entails? We don't know where to start. I know the ideal would be getting her to feel comfortable speaking about her feelings in person, but she never did except for rare occasions at the end of arguments, and now it's impossible because of covid. She also has problems with memory repression and doesn't know why she did some things.
You need to start building safety, and building it FAST! Join my live masterclass if you have not already -- It will clarify lots of things for you.
How can you do any of this if you are in a long distance relationship with a person? It seems like this is a doomed situation if you have to physically be around them
It depends. It’s advisable to establish of he/she could potentially be a narcissist. If they have a lot of traits, they are most likely a toxic individual who use stonewalling as a tactic to control the dynamic of a relationship.
Narcissists need to be in control and stonewalling is used to as a tactic to invalidate their partner’s feelings. It’s part of the abuse cycle and goes hand in hand with the silent treatment.
These toxic individuals actually get fuel/narcissistic supply from seeing the victim suffer under their tyrannical spell.
Assigning someone as a narcissist should be your last resort. This is video will explain why this is crucial: th-cam.com/video/xp21WT99pDI/w-d-xo.html
Geoffrey Setiawan i agree that we shouldn’t go around and diagnose people. But identifying a lot of the traits can be a helpful tool to establish wether this is toxic or not.
I've never dealt with this til recently. For three months dealing with it and being calm. However I cannot engage with him at all emotionally. It just tells me he has a lot to work on himself and I feel he has to realize this by now. I could try these tactics but he has not written to me or nor have we spoken since the 31st. I don't even know if I have the energy to deal with his stonewalling behavior. I find he cannot engage in long conversations with anyone and is self-absorbed does not ask anyone a simple question 'how are you?'...I would want to move forward but if there is lack of common courtesy I don't know if I should continue like this even though I'd like to give him and show him love for his own healing. Helpful tips and if we do get out of the break phase (as it seems we are on one) I will see if this works, to just listen first to what he has to say.
Thanks a lot...this video really help me in my critical condition 😭 finally somebody did it
Love it! Thank you for your support and comment.
Could you please address stonewalling by a partner because you stopped enabling their addiction?
This was very powerful advice. Any tips on how to do it remotely via email?
Stonewalling response- all the above ! It drives me totally bonkers !
What do you do when you try the affection side to calm them.. but my partner is so resistant to any affection/touch. How do you approach it in this instance.
He is terrible at stonewalling and can sometimes ignore me for days
Nicole -- Be sure to watch my other videos on Stonewalling. It will give you a lot of clarity on this question! th-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNfx_aC58rmzMRkKkDLlvv.html
I feel like this is only for the type of stonewall-ing that is done in reaction to someone who doesn’t provide safety. What about people who stonewall simply because their lack of emotional maturity to deal with conflict? And them using this as an unhealthy coping mechanism or to manipulate?
i agree. Its like he is talkin about u the one doin something bad and then get stonewalled... thats not really helping to the devilish bs im dealing with. I feel space invaded. said something about it, then get stonewalled (family). If someone outside of family did that to me i would send m into outer space only to never see them ever again. Yet this asshole is pushing me outside the whole family with his self righteousness. At some point i was like, i want to actually kill my brother. Thats how mad i am.
I have done all of that, but I've also tried the good techniques, it works, but then going back to stoanwalling every single time is so draining. My partner stoanwalled during arguments from day 1. I think it is his go-to response to any kind of conflict. Even when there is no negative emotions from my side, if there is something he doesn't feel good about he stoanwalls and it can go on for weeks and just becomes worse and worse.
So at some point, even if I have the techniques and I watch my behavior and reactions, I wonder at what point is he going to change his reaction. BTW when I am pissed we wants me to openly and calmly communicate it, so when it comes to me he knows stoanwalling is bad, so I dont get why he justifies doing it to me every time.
I boyfriend keep doing stonewalling when I want to talk over serious issues which are associated with us both. He told me that he stonewalls because he knows our opinions doesn't match. Also he wants to avoid fights...what to do?
Start understanding that that is a legitimate reasons why people stonewall, and it's a sign you need to start changing your mindset and approach to communicating. Check out the videos in this playlist. th-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNfx_aC58rmzMRkKkDLlvv.html
My partner stonewalls me everyday and I just ignore it, because it's not my job to keep guessing. And it's not my fault she can't express herself or that she lacks confidence. Until she learns to talk (never) how can there be any communication?
It's like being in a relationship with a stranger
Wife and I have been seperated for 7 weeks. I asked her to talk about some of our issues and she said I think we've talked enough. We've barely talked about anything. I'm assuming she just needs more time before we talk about any issues?
And how do I deal with thin on a long distance relationship?
You are a team:
1. Calm down.
Drink chamomile tea or green tea. Eat a banana. Do a form of meditation (pray, deep breathing, knit or Tai Chi). Get sunlight, exercise or sleep. Walk barefoot on grass or have fun and talk with friends or family.
To know more look up in Google how to strengthen your nervous system.
2. Start non-verbally.
What you can do...
* Send them a gift (without expecting one in return)
* Make eye contact. In video chat or pictures of you (hope they also make eye contact). Maybe emphasize your eyes.
* Say I love you. In a voice note or through video chat.
* Send memes or jokes (laugh)
* Send a song they like or a soothing song.
* Ask in a gentle way (ex. “I would appreciate that...”, “I would love it that...”, “It would me me happy that...”, etc.) for them to do the following:
What they can do...
* meditate (pray, deep breathing, knit, Tai Chi)
* soak in a hot tub
* cuddle with a pet or plush
* get a hug
* help others (donate, give money, give a gift, bake someone something, volunteer, etc.)
* give thanks for 3-5 things (gratitude)
* get a massage
* self-massage
* sing
* listen to music
(Objective: facilitate a release in oxytocin in your partner)
3. Catharsis and affect labeling.
Ask them how they are feeling. Label the feeling. Let them talk about it. Let them express it healthily (ex. Cry, move, dance, jump, run, write, etc.). Allow silence so they can feel their emotions in their body. Ask open-ended questions. Validate them (ex. “So you feel x.”, “You are feeling x.” Or “I have felt like that too when _______.”).
I practice this in regular conversations.
Your amazing!
Thank you kerri!! Which part of the video did you like?
I’ve responded in all the ways you explained
I have watched all your videos . Everything you have said is true. I lost the love of my life and I really want my babygirl back
Sorry to hear that man. Let me know if I can help in any way.
@@GeoffreySetiawan how get wife back and you guys have kids together
I was stone walled by two of my cousins(adult sisters) and I gave them two months of space until I got tired of apologizing and feeling like it was my fault. Despite us having great relationship and memories, it hurt when they rather txt their problems or stone wall. I tried multiple times to communicate but they dont want to work it out with me. I couldnt help but to feel they were passive aggressivley trying to punish me and for a moment it worked. Then I looked through the text and see it wasnt my fault. So I wrote them that im staying out of their lives for good. Its eating at me but time will heal the pain.
Stonewalling sucks even when its a long distance relationship
That's sounds true, next time
What when you ask tell me how you're feeling or what you're thinking? And they say i dont know. What do you say or do
Hi Evelyn! Try this other video of mine: th-cam.com/video/ELl8000gtDQ/w-d-xo.html. This is just a very few examples of things you can try - but understand that dealing with stonewalling is a highly nuanced subject. If you haven't joined my masterclass, I would highly encourage you to do so! relationshipsmastered.com/masterclass
@@GeoffreySetiawan thanks for your response! I'll check it out and signed up for your masterclass
Me: ( After being stone walled for 24 hours):”Tell me how you’re feeling?”
Him:I hate that question. Leave me alone.
Me:okay ( Reaching out to touch him) he pulls away.
Well that didn’t work. Stonewalling is power and control by a mentally disturbed, childish narcissistic self centered human being. And I’m done with the games. Bye!
"they" need therapy to understand their behaviors ....... its very hurtful. Going through that now
How is it anger if they dont speak? Am I supposed to know? If they won't communicate? Or if I wasn't even angry ? He walks out first (mentally)?
I get frustrated and I feel really hurt. I feel unseen and unheard. I feel like he just doesn't care about me at all. I feel like talking doesn't get me anywhere, ever. But you're right. How about stonewalling over text? Lol. I think hugs make everything better and I wish he'd just hug me and tell me it's ok. I suck at relationships and I feel like I'm all alone. I should probably just quit while I'm ahead. Yes, I need to get in control over my emotions, for sure.
And what did you do if they reject ANY non verbal communication?