I'm with a DA who shuts down frequently. I can usually tell when he's shutting down even before it happens, because the pattern is so clear! If we spend relatively much great time together, him opening up, letting me see the real him and stuff like that, I know he will soon say and do things that create distance between us - you name it, I've been through most of it. I personalized everything the first times, but now a couple of years into the relationship, I don't do it as much. I am aware something triggered him, and we've also talked about this cycle, so he know about this and that he usually withdraws at certain times because of XYZ. Not saying it is fun or easy, but awareness is key, even if I don't always handle the withdrawal as smooth as I want to. He he;)
@@JamesTyreeII Good question, I might say;) I think it's possible because of how he shows up in other ways, and he's slowly becoming more aware and showing interest in how his action affect me and others. And I'm also quite laidback and do not personalize everything or go into panic mode . But there were times I thought I might as well just give up!
@@angelicaarambulo7552 I don't know - I just honestly assume it's him and not me, if you know what I mean 😎 And he says so himself, which helps a lot😄 So I just try to sooth myself by thinking that this is not a reflection of me as a person - I genuinely feel I give my best and show up as good as I can. But as a person I am lighthearted and easy going, and I don't spend too much time worrying, which means I don't chase him or nag when he's feeling off. And I think that helps a lot:) Perhaps not the most useful answer, but that's how I manage this:)
@@JamesTyreeII I wrote a little bit about sonewhere here as I was asked the same question earlier😀 Might not be very useful to you, but at least that's how I do it;)
@@JamesTyreeII Okei;) Well, I don't have a very good answer - there is no technique or anything. I think I just feel this is more about him than me, and I know he'll be"himself" again soon. I don't text or call for the rest of the day and/ or the next day or whatever the time frame is to give him time to himself. He would always answer my texts or calls, but he appreciates that I read him well enough. And I just don't worry too much - I know I can get out of the relationship if it makes me uncomfortable. And seeing him slowly starting to work on himself, makes me feel more optimistic!
DA's feels as if they show their vulnerable side even in brief period-people will leave,seeing them defective and shameful.BUT people actually keep staying in those relationships EXACTLY for those brief periods when DA's show their lovely true nature!!! It all goes backwords..
Yes, my DA just complete stonewalled me, because I stepped over boundaries and pressured him. It's tricky when he can't even communicate his needs. Deciphering everything non-verbally is a lot of work.
That’s honestly not you job. It is their job to find healthy ways to communicate with you and go beyond their triggers and learn healthy coping skills and conflict resolution. In short, it is their job to go to therapy not for you to accommodate their unhealthy, unevolved habits
Good morning Thais! My ex is FA but leans more towards DA. He is hard wired around trust and expressing vulnerability. He avoids conflict at all cost. Definitely would appreciate if you could touch on the DA testing their ex to see if there is genuine change. Could you also share some strategies to show change during a break-up. I wrote him a heart felt letter that took me 2 months as I wanted to show that I understand from his perspective. After receiving the email he reached out - prior it was one text after the breakup and no reply to the next 3 texts I sent in a span of 3 months. On another note, deeply appreciate YOU! There are SO many love coaches out there that are finally getting on the attachment style, but none compares to you!!! The universe needs you, and part of my daily routine to stay grounded is watching ur videos. Thank you!!! I will be signing up this week!
Great video! I would like to see a video about the relationship between the DA and anxiety. It seems anxiety is always there in one form or another for them, and it seems to perhaps drive some of their 'behaviors'. I know it's a huge problem for my DA -
There is also a lot to learn from by reading the comments after each video. Thais is no doubt Thais is doing an excellent job of showing us the light but the experiences shared in the Comments section is so enriching!
since becoming more self aware about my attachment style (AP) and learning helpful techniques, that alone has changed the trust, warmth and openness in the relationship with my partner (DA) that is to say I took a long hard look at myself and my behavior... I realized I can not change or "demand" or "force" my partner to behave differently, the best I can do is create a safe and loving and honest environment and become self aware.
are you aware that you are not happy in this relationship? What is it with the 'I had to change" crap...even secure people cant handle the emtpyness of the dissmissive partner! helooooo
Whoa. This is the first I'm hearing about these styles. The guy I've been seeing lately literally pulls away harder after we've connected. The more intense the connection the more he pulls away. I've been thinking he's just playing with my emotions. You know? But the connection feels so real. I'll definitely be researching more. Thank you.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool is it weird that I think the both of us might be DAs? 😆 cuz I'm definitely not going after him. We may never speak again. 😳
Struggling with my own head on what’s right and what’s not! I’m a DA currently in a relationship, no issues and can’t complain. The only issue I’ve been stuck on is physical attraction, this has now caused me a lot of anxiety around the relationship. But I also feel they are too nice and deserve someone who can give as much back as they do
Hi, any update.. If you already made it into relationship I guess it is matter of boredoom.. or its a DA coping mechanism of flaw finding to create distance
Yes, I would love to see a “what to do when the dismissive avoidant deactivates” video! I’m a fearful avoidant, leaning anxious, and find myself in relationships with DA’s more often than not. This can be really confusing for me! I think for those of us navigating DA relationships, it would be really helpful to learn the best strategies to deal wit this (especially when it’s in relation to people we really care about, and people who we feel so care greatly for us). It might also help to know how to set boundaries around this, what’s healthy for us to engage in and what’s not!
For me, the answer to "what to do" is to get out of the relationship. Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it *feels like* emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
Hi Guys, Just keep modelling secure behaviours. It's working on mine, so far anyway 😊 Eg. Used to be once a week texts from DA, now he initiates texts everyday 😃
I have seen the pattern of our relationship and now understanding that my partner is a DA I can see the textbook logic and could probably do a study on it and predict it happening based on the control of the intensity of MY emotions. Good( the first 2 years it was only my good emotions that i was over elevated about that caused her to shut down) or bad, if they are intense not regulated emotions and once my panic and overwhelming emotions backed off and I gave space, she returned to being fully present and in this with me. When she finally moved in after 2 previous failed attempts I literally didn't participate any time she talked about it because I knew if I showed excitement or too much emotion it wouldn't happen and honestly I wasn't concerned about whether she did or didn't, I love her and was happy either. Well the day she was supposed to move in i went to qork like normal and didn't bothering asking her plans or anything and then she text me she was loaded up with her vinyl collection and her Army stuff and I was like Holy crap, she's really moving in lol.
thank you Thais. I was dating a DA, but didn’t know about attachment styles so I became very anxious whenever he pulled away. He broke up with me amicably 8 weeks ago and I think it was because he was becoming vulnerable. I am FA and very open to healing and becoming more secure, but at the same time I am terrified of addressing my childhood trauma. Some things are better left alone 😢
It can be scary for sure. What is the cost if you never try and heal? Are you happy with your life at the moment and can picture going through it without clearing trauma? That's for you to decide if addressing childhood trauma is worth it or not. Best of luck - PDS Team member
@@FM-zg5hz my ex got married to someone else within 11 months of knowing her. I am not upset because in hindsight we were not a match. I have learned not to make excuses for people and that you teach people how to treat you. I accepted his behaviour so he didn’t change it. Maybe his now wife didn’t and he was forced to change 🤷🏼♀️ I have dated another person who also taught me valuable lessons about myself… I’m another step closer
Thank you so much for your videos! They are so helpful! 👏🏻 Could I ask for a series on how to introduce partners to the concept of attachment theory? (Writing as a Secure in a long term relationship with a DA... all of a sudden everything makes sense!) How can we introduce these ideas without that person feeling judged or that you've been doing "research" on them hehe
Healing your core wounds will help you see things clearer with your partners behaviour. We personalize things less an best versions of ourself can show up in communication and acceptance of partners flaws. Learning the best ways to communicate with a DA can open them up to change as well- PDS team member
Yes Thais, you are so wise! My relationship with my DA has changed so much since I have started to learn about our attachment styles. He is not one to read about this. Can you let us know how to let them know about triggers?
@@tricialn9317 I'm a PDS team member :) You should consider taking the DA course in the PDS school. You will get some great insight in to their core wounds and areas that are sensitive to them. For now I will tell you that DA's are really sensitive to criticism so if you have an issue you need to bring up it's best to validate them first and don't use any shaming or blaming language such as "what's wrong with you? how do you not know that? The have core wounds around being deficient and not good enough so you have to be mindful of these things during conflict or when bringing up things about the relationship.
Wish in a way I’d know this /4 years ago as I’ve struggled so long trying to get him to open up and talk and didn’t my understand any of this till yesterday .. my relationship feels like it’s in the way out and has gone too far as I can’t be bothered anymore as I tried to hard as a anxious attached person myself and he a DA And I’m not trying at anything now just survival and plan to get out ..
I see a lot of people coming down very hard on us DA's. But if you don't understand how we're being triggered -- and WE don't know how we're being triggered -- then there are no bad guys. We're all just... stuck. It's the same for addiction. So always and forever the one question I ask about ANYONE has been: "Is the dog in the fight?" Yes? Then we muddle on. No? Then I'm not wasting my time.
Ok but this is only fair if the DAs start to acknowledge that someone has invested a lot of energy into understanding them, from a caring and concerned place, as a result of the conflicting signals sent by the DA. No shame on the DA for sending the confusing signals, considering that they were not aware and their life's depth and meaningfulness suffers from this enough so it's not like they win when someone else loses. But DAs easily take and take for granted. That's where a lot of resentment can come from on the side of someone trying to get close. I know that saying this can trigger a DA into giving it all up completely, like it's too much pressure and they don't want you to even be that intensely invested or have your mood depend on them. But it's still very important to say some things exactly how you mean them and let them do with it whatever they want or let them misunderstand you. Then at least you're treating them like equals and not like a project and then the mutual respect never gets lost completely and there's still hope, if not for a romantic relationship, at least for upholding a meaningful connection and helping each other grow.
“Is the dog in the fight?” I love this. No matter what your attachment style is, I feel like you can always tell the answer to that question based on your partner. Anybody clearly trying to show up is a sign that there is something worth showing up for - however “imperfectly”. ❤️
Klara Winterain fantastic point actually!! Hmm. “Are the chips on the table?” Basically, we’re just trying to say, “is your heart in it”? For lack of any better wording - sometimes, in the things people do, or the things that they say, you can get a sense that somebody truly cares for you. No matter their triggers and no matter their coping mechanisms.
@@josephzita5263 I understood it after I'd typed out the long comment but dog fights are not in my heart and we're all being so gentle here that I wanted something more gentle. Kind of cute that a DA has such a harsh metaphor for something feeling-related. The "showing up no matter how imperfectly" is great inspiration for a song. Like for example making it to church just on time but without pants and all such weird things and metaphors. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I thought I had to figure everything out but maybe I can relax and just try to let my heart be in it and see what happens. I'm mostly not scared of the love but of other people invading it, like fearful avoidance but with real fear. Hard to address with a DA because what are they supposed to do about it and it's already hard enough. Appreciated these comments. Thx.
@@evas6052 why are you here? Do you have too much time on your hands? Your comments are not constructive nor helpful. Dont you see people are hurting and trying to learn, grow, find ways of coping and understanding their own behaviour patterns and self reflecting? Maybe you should do the same.
How does a DA break up with another person? Do they state that they are finished or do they just disappear?! Anyone have any experience with this? I can never tell if my beloved DA is taking time to himself or if he’s done with me. Any insight is appreciated.
@Todd Bridges @Dana I've experienced both the slow fade and the abrupt ghosting from the same guy (in separate times). It always happens when they've been vulnerable or intimate with you. @Dana What have you been doing since he's gone MIA? Have you asked him what's up or leaned back in order to give him space and let him come around when he's ready?
calistar Thanks for your reply. I have not texted him at all - at least not in an anxious way. For background: for the first time ever a few weeks ago, after not seeing him for over a month, I told him I missed him a little and asked if we could hang out for a little bit on a Sunday night. He was out fishing but did actually reply and said “ok. I’ll text you when I get home.” He got home at 8:45 or 9pm and said he was “sorry, just getting home now” and he said “how about tomorrow?”...I was thrilled that he responded both the first time to my request and then, even considerately when he got home. I later learned he went to hang out at the beach after he came in from fishing. Not sure who he was hanging out with since I don’t pry. Other girls maybe? He never followed up the next day or the next etc. I might have reached out a week or so later. Can’t remember the timing. He was nice. He answered. We ended up hanging out and watching some tv. It was low key. During that time, we talked about me helping him with some meal prep since he was recently diagnosed with a serious complication of an auto-immune disease. He seemed on board. And we have had some conversation in between so it seemed all good even though we don’t talk every day. Most recently, I had some questions ab this food plan that I’m creating and in response to my inquiry, he texted me that he was running errands for a fishing trip later that night and would get back to me the next day....but he never followed through (a pattern). That was 4 or 5 days ago. I have not reached out and don’t plan to. Just not sure if I’m supposed to be getting a message between the lines here or just sit tight. I never pester. I never accuse. I’m always thoughtful and gentle with my words, but I’m not sure if that’s taken for granted either. Any suggestion on how to bring up the communication issue is appreciated too. Thoughts?
Todd Bridges Are you sure about that? Some of these videos indicate that DAs need consistency to feel safe so perhaps a resilient attitude and one’s own self soothing mechanisms in the meanwhile can eventually regain the trust between those two people? I’m not sure but would love to know!
Todd Bridges Wow. Heartbreaking. I’m sorry for what you had to endure, yourself. It makes me wonder just how severe the neglect was. And I can’t get any information out of my guy to even have a clue. It’s just wild. Welp, I guess this is it. 🤷🏻♀️ He is not invested and it is what it is.
I would love to know how to break up with a DA being a FA without hurt making them feel that something is bad with them or that they are being abandoned.
Can a DA deactivate when it's has nothing to do with you and has something's going on else where but you feel it?......why would they try to see you in person for small amount of time but never text.
Yes it's cruel to put out there that DAs hardly do the work. They really are capable and they're often so sweet and sensitive. My mom is a DA and in her way I now realize even more how she has always been there for me as an AP growing up and I misunderstood. And she has done a lot of inner work on her own, and I see it. No freaking way for DA not put in the work.
You can’t speak for all DA and you can’t say they all out in the work… and your not dating you mom who is a DA… that’s a different relationship and experience so I’d expect you to empathize for her but please don’t speak for the rest of us who have been treated like trash from unrepentant DA
Why in DA videos, half of it is about the people who live with DA and not about the DAs themselves? We don’t see the same when talking about anxious and FA.. while a full FA who is amazingly nice one day and terrible to the point of insulting is pretty obnoxious too.. I love the content that Thais is offering because she’s the first person who describes things in a way that resonates so much with me, but as a DA who wants to better myself, I feel I should guilty about being a DA.
They always open up with alcohol 🥂 I'm like: YES FINALLY! HELLO THERE YOU ARE!😁💗 Then they sober up and freak out🙄 Jeez, I've seen you... and I'm still there!!! You've talked about you wanting 5kids etc and I STILL WANT YOU! WTF?! If I wouldn't like what I saw or heard I wouldn't want to be close to you. Right? But DAs don't get that logic🤪😒
My DA always needed alcohol to open up and really be present with me - or be as present as he could be with me. His disappearances following our good times were eventually very predictable, like clockwork. When I brought this pattern up and suggested that he might be a dismissive-avoidant, he came back with a portrayal of his disappearances as "just being busy managing my own life," "writing my book," "doing research," "working," etc. He didn't seem to understand that I was happy to be a party to him "managing his life" etc. Not as a distraction but as a support. He also said that not replying to texts and being unavailable for a few of days shouldn't have made me feel like he had disappeared on me. Now, ordinarily I would agree, but his disappearances were also ENERGETIC withdrawals that were very palpable. It was like being cut off, forgotten about ... dismissed and avoided. I could "feel" his energy cut off like a severed limb. One day I'd feel like we were clearly "together," but 24 hours later I might have no sense that he actually cared about me or my feelings at all. The distancing was that complete. I said, "Just saying 'Good morning' or 'Hey, I'm busy today but thinking about you and hope your day's going well' would be plenty" and he replied, "I guess I could try to do that but since I never have I'm probably not going to change ..." Asking for that little touch of "I care" or "I'm thinking of you" he portrayed as me having too high expectations of him, needs which he knew he couldn't fulfill ... so basically the result was: "I can't be what you need. Good luck and I wish you well."
@@keshavadasa Gosh, you described that so well...that energetic withdrawal and it feels like you never knew each other at all...even if it's only been 24 hours since you've been together and connected. And then they call again later and that energy is back and they are completely engaged with you. It's so very hard on a person to go through that~~so stressful.
When we're together he looks warm, likes hugs and so on, but then we have only texting aand it seems much more complicated)) but yeah, when drunk, he is warmer and more opened by texting))
Will programing is real. We are all taught to think a certain way from a child. A person needs to find there own thoughts. But a lot of people never get out the programing.
YES PLEASE TELL DA SUCCESS STORIES!
Yes 🙌
I'm with a DA who shuts down frequently. I can usually tell when he's shutting down even before it happens, because the pattern is so clear! If we spend relatively much great time together, him opening up, letting me see the real him and stuff like that, I know he will soon say and do things that create distance between us - you name it, I've been through most of it. I personalized everything the first times, but now a couple of years into the relationship, I don't do it as much. I am aware something triggered him, and we've also talked about this cycle, so he know about this and that he usually withdraws at certain times because of XYZ.
Not saying it is fun or easy, but awareness is key, even if I don't always handle the withdrawal as smooth as I want to. He he;)
@@JamesTyreeII Good question, I might say;) I think it's possible because of how he shows up in other ways, and he's slowly becoming more aware and showing interest in how his action affect me and others. And I'm also quite laidback and do not personalize everything or go into panic mode . But there were times I thought I might as well just give up!
Thank you for sharing! I would like to ask you how do you handle to not panic or personalise? I find it very difficult.
@@angelicaarambulo7552 I don't know - I just honestly assume it's him and not me, if you know what I mean 😎 And he says so himself, which helps a lot😄 So I just try to sooth myself by thinking that this is not a reflection of me as a person - I genuinely feel I give my best and show up as good as I can. But as a person I am lighthearted and easy going, and I don't spend too much time worrying, which means I don't chase him or nag when he's feeling off. And I think that helps a lot:) Perhaps not the most useful answer, but that's how I manage this:)
@@JamesTyreeII I wrote a little bit about sonewhere here as I was asked the same question earlier😀 Might not be very useful to you, but at least that's how I do it;)
@@JamesTyreeII Okei;) Well, I don't have a very good answer - there is no technique or anything. I think I just feel this is more about him than me, and I know he'll be"himself" again soon. I don't text or call for the rest of the day and/ or the next day or whatever the time frame is to give him time to himself. He would always answer my texts or calls, but he appreciates that I read him well enough. And I just don't worry too much - I know I can get out of the relationship if it makes me uncomfortable. And seeing him slowly starting to work on himself, makes me feel more optimistic!
Can you please make a video about how to raise a SECURE child?
Become a secure yourself and have healthy relationship with a partner I guess?
Allow your children to express themselves having an open door policy and being affectionate gave my parents 4 secure emotionally healthy children
DA's feels as if they show their vulnerable side even in brief period-people will leave,seeing them defective and shameful.BUT people actually keep staying in those relationships EXACTLY for those brief periods when DA's show their lovely true nature!!! It all goes backwords..
Yes, my DA just complete stonewalled me, because I stepped over boundaries and pressured him. It's tricky when he can't even communicate his needs. Deciphering everything non-verbally is a lot of work.
That’s honestly not you job. It is their job to find healthy ways to communicate with you and go beyond their triggers and learn healthy coping skills and conflict resolution. In short, it is their job to go to therapy not for you to accommodate their unhealthy, unevolved habits
Yes, we want succes stories for the DA ! 😎
Preach.
Good morning Thais! My ex is FA but leans more towards DA. He is hard wired around trust and expressing vulnerability. He avoids conflict at all cost. Definitely would appreciate if you could touch on the DA testing their ex to see if there is genuine change. Could you also share some strategies to show change during a break-up. I wrote him a heart felt letter that took me 2 months as I wanted to show that I understand from his perspective. After receiving the email he reached out - prior it was one text after the breakup and no reply to the next 3 texts I sent in a span of 3 months.
On another note, deeply appreciate YOU! There are SO many love coaches out there that are finally getting on the attachment style, but none compares to you!!! The universe needs you, and part of my daily routine to stay grounded is watching ur videos. Thank you!!! I will be signing up this week!
Any update?
Great video! I would like to see a video about the relationship between the DA and anxiety. It seems anxiety is always there in one form or another for them, and it seems to perhaps drive some of their 'behaviors'. I know it's a huge problem for my DA -
Agree it will be great
Yes
Agree! My DA always deactivates and says it’s his anxiety after we get close emotionally.
There is also a lot to learn from by reading the comments after each video. Thais is no doubt Thais is doing an excellent job of showing us the light but the experiences shared in the Comments section is so enriching!
since becoming more self aware about my attachment style (AP) and learning helpful techniques, that alone has changed the trust, warmth and openness in the relationship with my partner (DA) that is to say I took a long hard look at myself and my behavior... I realized I can not change or "demand" or "force" my partner to behave differently, the best I can do is create a safe and loving and honest environment and become self aware.
Thank you very much 🤗
are you aware that you are not happy in this relationship? What is it with the 'I had to change" crap...even secure people cant handle the emtpyness of the dissmissive partner! helooooo
@@evas6052 who said I'm not happy? I'm happier than ever! (both of us!) Sounds like you were very hurt by someone.
@@katkatkat5 can I have an Update on your "happy" relationship?
So helpful!! We ❤DA's who show up and put in the work.
They want connection just ask much as anyone else :) - PDS team member
Yes Thais, please do a video on DA and their anxiety.
Yes please. Do the video
Whoa. This is the first I'm hearing about these styles.
The guy I've been seeing lately literally pulls away harder after we've connected.
The more intense the connection the more he pulls away.
I've been thinking he's just playing with my emotions. You know? But the connection feels so real. I'll definitely be researching more. Thank you.
Yes, I hope you look into this more. Sometimes we don;t understand a behavior until we understand the reasoning behind it! - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool is it weird that I think the both of us might be DAs? 😆 cuz I'm definitely not going after him. We may never speak again. 😳
Struggling with my own head on what’s right and what’s not! I’m a DA currently in a relationship, no issues and can’t complain. The only issue I’ve been stuck on is physical attraction, this has now caused me a lot of anxiety around the relationship. But I also feel they are too nice and deserve someone who can give as much back as they do
Hi, any update..
If you already made it into relationship I guess it is matter of boredoom.. or its a DA coping mechanism of flaw finding to create distance
Yes, I would love to see a “what to do when the dismissive avoidant deactivates” video! I’m a fearful avoidant, leaning anxious, and find myself in relationships with DA’s more often than not. This can be really confusing for me! I think for those of us navigating DA relationships, it would be really helpful to learn the best strategies to deal wit this (especially when it’s in relation to people we really care about, and people who we feel so care greatly for us). It might also help to know how to set boundaries around this, what’s healthy for us to engage in and what’s not!
She has done that video
For me, the answer to "what to do" is to get out of the relationship. Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it feels like emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
Matthew Hussey makes an excellent statement, "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality. And what I'm interested in is my reality (experience)." The reality- and experience- for the partner of DAs when they do this is that it *feels like* emotional blackmail, stonewalling, passive aggressiveness, contempt, manipulation, and basically exactly the same as narcissistic abuse. Are they a narcissist? Probably not. But is it worth it to stick around trying to work on it with this type, knowing this is going to be your experience again and again and again? Not for me.
If you feel all that just from a person not talking to you for a while, then perhaps it would be appropriate to look at your own emotional security.
Hi Guys,
Just keep modelling secure behaviours. It's working on mine, so far anyway 😊 Eg. Used to be once a week texts from DA, now he initiates texts everyday 😃
"Little bit of warmth & little bit of pushing back..little bit of warmth & little bit of pushing back.." ...Jingle for the DAs 😁😁😁
I have seen the pattern of our relationship and now understanding that my partner is a DA I can see the textbook logic and could probably do a study on it and predict it happening based on the control of the intensity of MY emotions. Good( the first 2 years it was only my good emotions that i was over elevated about that caused her to shut down) or bad, if they are intense not regulated emotions and once my panic and overwhelming emotions backed off and I gave space, she returned to being fully present and in this with me. When she finally moved in after 2 previous failed attempts I literally didn't participate any time she talked about it because I knew if I showed excitement or too much emotion it wouldn't happen and honestly I wasn't concerned about whether she did or didn't, I love her and was happy either. Well the day she was supposed to move in i went to qork like normal and didn't bothering asking her plans or anything and then she text me she was loaded up with her vinyl collection and her Army stuff and I was like Holy crap, she's really moving in lol.
thank you Thais. I was dating a DA, but didn’t know about attachment styles so I became very anxious whenever he pulled away. He broke up with me amicably 8 weeks ago and I think it was because he was becoming vulnerable. I am FA and very open to healing and becoming more secure, but at the same time I am terrified of addressing my childhood trauma. Some things are better left alone 😢
Omg same. Also broke up 8 weeks ago. I feel you ♥
It can be scary for sure. What is the cost if you never try and heal? Are you happy with your life at the moment and can picture going through it without clearing trauma? That's for you to decide if addressing childhood trauma is worth it or not. Best of luck - PDS Team member
@@FM-zg5hz my ex got married to someone else within 11 months of knowing her. I am not upset because in hindsight we were not a match. I have learned not to make excuses for people and that you teach people how to treat you. I accepted his behaviour so he didn’t change it. Maybe his now wife didn’t and he was forced to change 🤷🏼♀️ I have dated another person who also taught me valuable lessons about myself… I’m another step closer
Yes love a video on when DA comes back - and yes have a list my boundaries already , thanks to your school and videos :)
Thank you so much for your videos! They are so helpful! 👏🏻 Could I ask for a series on how to introduce partners to the concept of attachment theory? (Writing as a Secure in a long term relationship with a DA... all of a sudden everything makes sense!) How can we introduce these ideas without that person feeling judged or that you've been doing "research" on them hehe
This is really important info Thais
So my partner is a dismissive avoidant and although I can learn about myself and how I can change myself I cannot change him or the relationship
Healing your core wounds will help you see things clearer with your partners behaviour. We personalize things less an best versions of ourself can show up in communication and acceptance of partners flaws. Learning the best ways to communicate with a DA can open them up to change as well- PDS team member
Yes Thais, you are so wise! My relationship with my DA has changed so much since I have started to learn about our attachment styles. He is not one to read about this. Can you let us know how to let them know about triggers?
@@tricialn9317 I'm a PDS team member :) You should consider taking the DA course in the PDS school. You will get some great insight in to their core wounds and areas that are sensitive to them. For now I will tell you that DA's are really sensitive to criticism so if you have an issue you need to bring up it's best to validate them first and don't use any shaming or blaming language such as "what's wrong with you? how do you not know that? The have core wounds around being deficient and not good enough so you have to be mindful of these things during conflict or when bringing up things about the relationship.
Wish in a way I’d know this /4 years ago as I’ve struggled so long trying to get him to open up and talk and didn’t my understand any of this till yesterday .. my relationship feels like it’s in the way out and has gone too far as I can’t be bothered anymore as I tried to hard as a anxious attached person myself and he a DA
And I’m not trying at anything now just survival and plan to get out ..
Yes for success stories and the other video about da’s!
I see a lot of people coming down very hard on us DA's. But if you don't understand how we're being triggered -- and WE don't know how we're being triggered -- then there are no bad guys. We're all just... stuck. It's the same for addiction. So always and forever the one question I ask about ANYONE has been: "Is the dog in the fight?"
Yes? Then we muddle on.
No? Then I'm not wasting my time.
Ok but this is only fair if the DAs start to acknowledge that someone has invested a lot of energy into understanding them, from a caring and concerned place, as a result of the conflicting signals sent by the DA. No shame on the DA for sending the confusing signals, considering that they were not aware and their life's depth and meaningfulness suffers from this enough so it's not like they win when someone else loses. But DAs easily take and take for granted. That's where a lot of resentment can come from on the side of someone trying to get close. I know that saying this can trigger a DA into giving it all up completely, like it's too much pressure and they don't want you to even be that intensely invested or have your mood depend on them. But it's still very important to say some things exactly how you mean them and let them do with it whatever they want or let them misunderstand you. Then at least you're treating them like equals and not like a project and then the mutual respect never gets lost completely and there's still hope, if not for a romantic relationship, at least for upholding a meaningful connection and helping each other grow.
“Is the dog in the fight?” I love this. No matter what your attachment style is, I feel like you can always tell the answer to that question based on your partner. Anybody clearly trying to show up is a sign that there is something worth showing up for - however “imperfectly”. ❤️
@@josephzita5263 Yes but can we have a more cruelty-free analogy please? :D
Klara Winterain fantastic point actually!! Hmm. “Are the chips on the table?” Basically, we’re just trying to say, “is your heart in it”? For lack of any better wording - sometimes, in the things people do, or the things that they say, you can get a sense that somebody truly cares for you. No matter their triggers and no matter their coping mechanisms.
@@josephzita5263 I understood it after I'd typed out the long comment but dog fights are not in my heart and we're all being so gentle here that I wanted something more gentle. Kind of cute that a DA has such a harsh metaphor for something feeling-related. The "showing up no matter how imperfectly" is great inspiration for a song. Like for example making it to church just on time but without pants and all such weird things and metaphors. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I thought I had to figure everything out but maybe I can relax and just try to let my heart be in it and see what happens. I'm mostly not scared of the love but of other people invading it, like fearful avoidance but with real fear. Hard to address with a DA because what are they supposed to do about it and it's already hard enough. Appreciated these comments. Thx.
Kindly pls try to make a video how the Dismissive Avoidant pull away and how can get him back if he is wounded before to the same person?
get him back???? lol...why??!!
@@evas6052 😂
@@evas6052 why are you here? Do you have too much time on your hands? Your comments are not constructive nor helpful. Dont you see people are hurting and trying to learn, grow, find ways of coping and understanding their own behaviour patterns and self reflecting? Maybe you should do the same.
@@adrianmesko thanks for your reply .... you changed my whole outlook🙄
@@adrianmesko tnx for the wise advice stalker
I’m FA but had a strong DA side until 3/4 years ago after a divorce. All of my repressed emotions came flying back.
FAs repress too, often to just "get shit done". If you find you go sort of DA when you feel obligations to other people, you probably weren't ever DA.
How does a DA break up with another person? Do they state that they are finished or do they just disappear?! Anyone have any experience with this? I can never tell if my beloved DA is taking time to himself or if he’s done with me. Any insight is appreciated.
@Todd Bridges @Dana I've experienced both the slow fade and the abrupt ghosting from the same guy (in separate times). It always happens when they've been vulnerable or intimate with you. @Dana What have you been doing since he's gone MIA? Have you asked him what's up or leaned back in order to give him space and let him come around when he's ready?
calistar Thanks for your reply. I have not texted him at all - at least not in an anxious way.
For background: for the first time ever a few weeks ago, after not seeing him for over a month, I told him I missed him a little and asked if we could hang out for a little bit on a Sunday night. He was out fishing but did actually reply and said “ok. I’ll text you when I get home.” He got home at 8:45 or 9pm and said he was “sorry, just getting home now” and he said “how about tomorrow?”...I was thrilled that he responded both the first time to my request and then, even considerately when he got home. I later learned he went to hang out at the beach after he came in from fishing. Not sure who he was hanging out with since I don’t pry. Other girls maybe? He never followed up the next day or the next etc. I might have reached out a week or so later. Can’t remember the timing. He was nice. He answered. We ended up hanging out and watching some tv. It was low key. During that time, we talked about me helping him with some meal prep since he was recently diagnosed with a serious complication of an auto-immune disease. He seemed on board. And we have had some conversation in between so it seemed all good even though we don’t talk every day.
Most recently, I had some questions ab this food plan that I’m creating and in response to my inquiry, he texted me that he was running errands for a fishing trip later that night and would get back to me the next day....but he never followed through (a pattern). That was 4 or 5 days ago. I have not reached out and don’t plan to. Just not sure if I’m supposed to be getting a message between the lines here or just sit tight. I never pester. I never accuse. I’m always thoughtful and gentle with my words, but I’m not sure if that’s taken for granted either. Any suggestion on how to bring up the communication issue is appreciated too. Thoughts?
Todd Bridges Are you sure about that? Some of these videos indicate that DAs need consistency to feel safe so perhaps a resilient attitude and one’s own self soothing mechanisms in the meanwhile can eventually regain the trust between those two people? I’m not sure but would love to know!
Dana sometimes they Ghost you
Todd Bridges Wow. Heartbreaking. I’m sorry for what you had to endure, yourself. It makes me wonder just how severe the neglect was. And I can’t get any information out of my guy to even have a clue. It’s just wild.
Welp, I guess this is it. 🤷🏻♀️ He is not invested and it is what it is.
what about DA's who are like luke warm then super cold/mean?
Any update?
You’re so amazing Thais ♥️
I would love to know how to break up with a DA being a FA without hurt making them feel that something is bad with them or that they are being abandoned.
How do you reactivate them?
You leave and let them go to therapy to get help.
You don’t. They come back if/when they’re ready.
Any tips on how to get a dismissive female Ex to Open up? It has been amost 2.5months since break up. Thank you :)
Can a DA deactivate when it's has nothing to do with you and has something's going on else where but you feel it?......why would they try to see you in person for small amount of time but never text.
Yes it's cruel to put out there that DAs hardly do the work. They really are capable and they're often so sweet and sensitive. My mom is a DA and in her way I now realize even more how she has always been there for me as an AP growing up and I misunderstood. And she has done a lot of inner work on her own, and I see it. No freaking way for DA not put in the work.
You can’t speak for all DA and you can’t say they all out in the work… and your not dating you mom who is a DA… that’s a different relationship and experience so I’d expect you to empathize for her but please don’t speak for the rest of us who have been treated like trash from unrepentant DA
Amazing!!! Thank you!!
Why in DA videos, half of it is about the people who live with DA and not about the DAs themselves? We don’t see the same when talking about anxious and FA.. while a full FA who is amazingly nice one day and terrible to the point of insulting is pretty obnoxious too.. I love the content that Thais is offering because she’s the first person who describes things in a way that resonates so much with me, but as a DA who wants to better myself, I feel I should guilty about being a DA.
I mean sure, but being with you is hugely traumatic so these videos are very necessary
They always open up with alcohol 🥂 I'm like: YES FINALLY! HELLO THERE YOU ARE!😁💗 Then they sober up and freak out🙄 Jeez, I've seen you... and I'm still there!!! You've talked about you wanting 5kids etc and I STILL WANT YOU! WTF?! If I wouldn't like what I saw or heard I wouldn't want to be close to you. Right? But DAs don't get that logic🤪😒
My DA always needed alcohol to open up and really be present with me - or be as present as he could be with me. His disappearances following our good times were eventually very predictable, like clockwork. When I brought this pattern up and suggested that he might be a dismissive-avoidant, he came back with a portrayal of his disappearances as "just being busy managing my own life," "writing my book," "doing research," "working," etc. He didn't seem to understand that I was happy to be a party to him "managing his life" etc. Not as a distraction but as a support. He also said that not replying to texts and being unavailable for a few of days shouldn't have made me feel like he had disappeared on me. Now, ordinarily I would agree, but his disappearances were also ENERGETIC withdrawals that were very palpable. It was like being cut off, forgotten about ... dismissed and avoided. I could "feel" his energy cut off like a severed limb. One day I'd feel like we were clearly "together," but 24 hours later I might have no sense that he actually cared about me or my feelings at all. The distancing was that complete. I said, "Just saying 'Good morning' or 'Hey, I'm busy today but thinking about you and hope your day's going well' would be plenty" and he replied, "I guess I could try to do that but since I never have I'm probably not going to change ..." Asking for that little touch of "I care" or "I'm thinking of you" he portrayed as me having too high expectations of him, needs which he knew he couldn't fulfill ... so basically the result was: "I can't be what you need. Good luck and I wish you well."
@@keshavadasa Gosh, you described that so well...that energetic withdrawal and it feels like you never knew each other at all...even if it's only been 24 hours since you've been together and connected. And then they call again later and that energy is back and they are completely engaged with you. It's so very hard on a person to go through that~~so stressful.
When we're together he looks warm, likes hugs and so on, but then we have only texting aand it seems much more complicated)) but yeah, when drunk, he is warmer and more opened by texting))
Interesting
Is there work a DA can do while they’re single?
Of course! Working on their own wounds and core beliefs
I also recommend IFS (internal family system) and anything that connects you to your body like dancing or yoga.
Yes, they can go to therapy
If they find us defective which they eventually will, it's not going to be comfortable, it's just not it's life Innit.
Will programing is real. We are all taught to think a certain way from a child. A person needs to find there own thoughts. But a lot of people never get out the programing.
Agreed! If you don’t take time to examine what programs serve you well and which ones are not, you can struggle with the same problems over and over
Timestamps for me😅: 3:20
You were all over the place on this video & didn’t give advice how to deal/interact w them
Im sure you have good things to say, but you talk so fast I miss most of what you’re saying. Moving on to another coach.