How To Talk To A Fearful Or Dismissive Avoidant (When They're Stonewalling) | Attachment Styles
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In this video I talk about how to communicate with the dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant when they are stonewalling.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#Communication #RelationshipAdvice #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #Stonewalling #SilentTreatment #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidant
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Mine stonewalls not matter how kind, no confrontational or gentle I am. I decided to take some space and think . Idk if I still want the friendship/situationship it really is exhausting. I’d rather just find someone secure or whose working on their insecure attachment like me -a drained FA
Same girl! As an FA DAs drain me. I become so anxious and I’m not even an anxious person I lean more dismissive.. I’ve been healing but dealing with a DA will set us back smh
Same
Good girl! Respect & be true to yourself
Imagine being married to this. My wife is exactly like this.
Script for reference:
I can feel that you are shutting me out right now. And I totally want to respect your time and space, in order to process what you are experiencing. But at the same time I want you to know that if you stay in a mode of stonewalling me, we're not going to get the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is, and then I'm not going to be able to understand what is going on and solve it with you. I would love if you could hear me out as well, and to hear you out too, so I can also meet your needs. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable to openly communicate about this. And if you are open to doing that, I am happy to respect, hear and understand what's going on for you emotionally, and what you need going forward that caused this pain, as long as you are also willing to do the same for me. Let's approach it from a really respectful and empowering place. I feel I can do that, let me know when you are ready too.
Thank you!
How should a Male say this without looking desperate?
@@smmaistheway I also have trouble saying it as a woman, worried I come across condescendingly.
Tone of voice and body language is crucial, I think.
@@0Demiyah0 that actually sounds like a good idea, thank you
Thanks!
Thank you. As an FA, I stonewall because I am in a “freeze” state, trying to manage my feelings on my own, too scared that if I express them I will cause anger or deal with the pain of being misunderstood. It’s old programming, and even though I am surrounded by loving people, I can still get triggered. Personally, if someone said this script (or something similar) it would feel amazing because they would be both validating my reality and respecting my boundaries- a magic combination!
Thank you for sharing this. That is brave if you.
I'm so thankful for your words, your descriptions are so perfect I totally agree & now I can see & "say" to others what it is in my head.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Everybody needs respect and space not only FA's!
Build your bond, build a bridge… be on the same team. Gentle use of language. Use a We team mentality.
Sounds like walking on eggshells to please a dismissive by constantly being super careful of what you say and the way you say it.. I think it will get exhausting after a while if you cannot freely express yourself in a relationship.. The person in the relationship with the dismissive also has emotions ..
Right on point 1000%
Or you could see it as learning how to really communicate properly to a variety of people in a way that takes into account everyone's language. Various person's in your life could be DA eg. your child, mother, teacher, boss etc. so it doesn't hurt to learn how to build bridges and have empathy.
neikaplay Hi! Yes you’re right about that :) it also helps with how to deal with dismissives and understand a bit better why they behave the way they do in certain situations! :)
Communication is a powerful tool. As someone married to FA female as an AA male, I need to speak her language so that I can be an effective husband and be able to take her perspective into account when expressing my feelings on issues.. If you love someone, no matter who, you don't look at it like eggshells, you view it as an opportunity to grow closer to someone. I'm sure you know that, but maybe it helps others
B Abc That’s very sweet the way you are careful about your wife’s attachment style 🤗
My ex-boyfriend was avoidant and it was impossible to know what his reality was. I had to spell out to him “I welcome the truth. I’m passionate and interested in your reality. I will make an effort to hear you. You are safe.”
He could not communicate his boundaries which led him to ghost me eventually because he had suffocated himself. People like this need so much reassurance, otherwise they deceive you with agreeableness. Sad.
My husband has just driven off because he finds communication hard. It's exhausting, I soothe him, provide him emotional support and when I try to express my needs. I'm the bad guy, has to be a bit of give and take.
@@Nayz1334 A lot of these relationships end up co-dependent af. Been there.
A relationship of Different attachment styles is usually both sides expecting the other to read their mind, because it’s so hard to express needs for themselves. And when they start to see that their partner isn’t reading their mind and doing exactly what they need without asking, that’s when they just want out. They would rather get out than to say what they want.
Seems like eggshelling. Not pleasant long term. You'll lose yourself. I know I did.
Gosh. This sounds like me rn. I need to communicate on some hard topics but don’t feel like I can for multiple reasons. For one my partner is ill and for another they always immediately blame themselves for anything and everything because of past trauma. I don’t want to cause pain and so I’m stuck but my resentment is building and I’m pulling away. I’m avoidant btw
There is a simple solution for every single attachment style, and that's self love. When you love yourself, you have a different mindset, and you automatically know what do to that's best for you. Some people simply don't change, at least can't be changed by other people, they have to make changes themselves. Sometimes in life you just have to let go, instead of over-analyzing every little thing the other person does or doesn't do. Accept people for who they are, accept YOURSELF for who you are, if you're meant to be it wouldn't be this difficult.
Well said.
You make it sound so easy
@@happinessloading1198😂
That’s the truth
As an FA myself who’s going hard to do all my healing work, when do we stop babying this behavior? Why can’t they see that these things only ruin their good relationships and push away the people who love them the most? Aren’t they tired of repeating the same patterns and getting nowhere? As damaged as I was, I never put anybody through the torture of stonewalling and I’m no longer going to try sweet talk my way out of it happening to me. If they want to be alone and/or in and out of meaningless relationships for the rest of their lives, let them have it.
Feekpah Kerkula I have to agree. It’s fine to take some time to cool down or recharge or distract as I do as well (DA leaning FA) but so DAs are hard work and not sure it’s worth it as improvements seem rare. So much wear and tear on my patience and resolve and it leads to more resentment.
From my DA perspective, I think we have to see the work as needing to happen on both sides. You aren't babying anyone if you are learning how your loved one experiences the world and helping them understand your way as well in a healthy way. It's just the work to put in to someone you love who is also very capable of showing their love for you deeply if they can also learn to understand you.
I've also thought that at some point you need to stop walking on eggshells, say what mean, and let the other person respond as they will, even if their response is hostile. I am AP and I spent a lot of effort walking on eggshells trying to not accidentally upset my FA ex. I spent many hours carefully composing my words so that I would not accidentally set off one of her many, many, many alarms. It was almost impossible to say anything to her without triggering one of her alarms. So at some point the solution was to be direct about asking for what I wanted. Of course this caused her to become upset and hostile, which led me eventually to give up on her.
It's quite surprising to me how frequently people don't think about the consequences of their actions. They are mostly concerned with feeling better in the moment, and often they will do things to relieve anxiety in the moment even if it hurts them in the long run. Such a person has a lot of emotional work to do. I think that stonewalling often comes from people being unwilling to talk about something very painful, even if avoiding the issue hurts them in the long run. Relief from pain in the present is more important to them.
Its not conscious. Its just as confusing for them as it is you. This may seem like a justification. If you cananot handle it, you need to do your inner work and become healthier and more compassionate. Even then, maybe in the end you know that you dont want this life and that they are not the one for you.
@@chrismccaffrey8256 I agree. I'm a FA and although I'm healing, I've been all over the place with my emotions for years and I always find myself blaming the other person. I was the one who stonewalled and disappeared and my DA never gave up on me. He calls it my "disappearing thing". I needed to retreat to do work on myself. At first it was to look into why I date emotionally unavailable men and what I discovered after really looking into the relationship was that I was as much at fault as him. I had to take accountability for my end the over giving strictly because I wanted him to over give to me. That's manipulation as Thais put it. Also, how I expected him to be a mind reader or would get mad at him. Lol Most importantly, I had to pour love back into myself instead of everyone else all the time. It wasn't until then when I could start understanding and having compassion for my DA.
Thais! The intro, I’m crying.
“When you clean up the abandonment wound it’s easier to leave an unhealthy relationship”
I’ve never thought of myself as someone with an ‘abandonment wound’, but I have always known myself as someone who bends over backwards and makes excuses and FEARS what might happen if I set boundaries and maybe the person decides I’m not worth considering anymore.
I’m always trying to be convenient- and thats from fear and a lack of faith in myself.
.. So I needed to hear that.
Not that it really matters but he’s DA and I’m FA
You need to communicate your boundaries before you just straight up leave though. Dont pull a sneak attacl on him
I am so glad that helped!
Wow, bless you. The way you worded that made ME cry, because that is precisely how I operate. I wish you all the very best of health and healing in life. Love from The Hague!
@@icarus0206 i could never, i love him too dearly.
Your comment is me to a T! Working on healing as we type and Thais has been an incredible and unexpected resource. We all deserve to be whole and happy!!
Hello all. I am FA, and I disagree with Thais. No, it is our responsibility to tell our loved ones if we are feeling like this. What I would say to my BF or a family member or a friend is "I am not feeling good, you cannot make it better, I know you love me and want to help me, and I want to make clear I love you too. I just think I am not good company and it will take me some days, maybe weeks to feel better. I care about you and I am sorry right now I cannot be in touch with you the way you want/need. But I will be back very soon. I love you and I will contact as soon as I feel better."
This is a very good script. I’m not FA but I did experience this sort of triggering for about 2 years after surviving a violent crime when I was younger. I would get “flooded” & have to withdraw for days at a time. Eventually it got better. I was also helped by SSRI medication that I took for around 6mo. That may help you, as well. ❤
That’s all I want my friend Bobbie to say, that’s it. I just want to know why everytime I try to help her, or everytime we start to get close, she just creates a problem and runs away. I love her, more than I think she knows, but this is the about the 4th time she has created an issue, I want to work things out in a healthy way and she is avoiding me. She says she loves me and loves our friendship, but now she is stonewalling me. I just seek to understand and create a positive healthy environment/relationship. Where she doesn’t just run away whenever her feelings is building up.
Thank you. I wish my FA had elaborated the situation like you did. But I know that's what's going on for him too.
This is a great script, if only all FAs could actually express it so well. Would it feel good to have zero communication for weeks? NO but at least here the person is taking emotional responsibility and expressing the emotion of "love" and "respect". I wish my partner could say this to me.
I think this is great that you can express that, and that you are self aware enough to recognize when you need to remove yourself. I understand the need to self regulate, but to not be in communication with someone you love for weeks…. That’s a lot of pressure that you’re putting on your significant other to hold space for you. Relationships need self regulation, but it also needs co regulation. This is just me, but I would almost build a resentment towards my partner if he disappeared for weeks.
Actually starts at 4:30
or 2:10 for the explanation
Thank you!
Thanks
I've been trying these techniques, non violent, I statements, focusing on how things make me feel vs assuming, naming or blaming. I've tried these for years with my sisters, with whom we all came from a complex trauma home and they simply don't work. The approach of open communication doesn't work for individuals who feel threatened simply by the confrontation itself, of the conversation. It has felt to me like many people are so accustomed to indirect, implied, passive aggressive, assumptive communication that the act alone of attempting this asking for what you need, expressing sincerity...it has usually been met with an additional fight. I can't change an emotionally unhealthy person's mind set, by my willful act alone. If they believe they wronged or in the right or slighted in any way, it's impossible to communicate my side in the first place.
My experience also with my husband.
As an FA, I shutdown because I feel overwhelmed at how to express how I'm feeling to someone. I feel like I don't know where to start, or whether it will come out wrong (it usually does) and I seldom feel heard anyway.
Andrea, have you thought about finding an appropriate song or something that says how you feel?
Let your significant other know that you struggle to express your emotions, or communicate how you feel, and that you dont always feel as though they are taking in what you are trying to say. I'm pretty sure that anybody that cares for you would want to resolve any conflict within your dynamic, so they will make the effort to tune in and hear you. If they don't, then they need to address that.
Then give them the song that you have chosen and let that open the door for your discussion?
Ask them to listen to the lyrics and process what is being said and then go from there.
My kids always know what mood I'm in by the music I listen to at any given point and how furiously I do the chores.
If there's loud music on and stuff starts flying around, they go very quiet and grab bin bags :D
Seriously though, I have a child with profound special needs who is unable to express/verbalise his emotions, as he doesn't understand them. He has laminated cards with different "emotion" faces on them, so when he is sad or angry or whatever, he just gives me the card, so I can open up a dialogue with him.
It takes a lot of patience to get to the trigger, but take your time, use one sentence at a time. Perhaps write it down in bullet point form and follow your notes. Ask that they respond one point at a time.
1) how you are feeling "I'm feeling a little disrespected by you right now"
2) why you feel like this "I feel that I am not getting the help I need with the housework"
3) what they could do to help you resolve how you feel "It would be really helpful if you could make yourself responsible for one or two of the chores, so that I feel we are working as a team"
Just a rough example.
That’s called anxiety - realize no one communicates perfectly - trying is what counts.
@@airbubble. Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond and so extensively. Thank you also for "hearing" me properly and for not making presumptions. Your suggestions are really helpful. I will give them a try. I like the song idea too. I am doing Thais' courses inside the PDS and have done 3 so far on reprograming (Emotional Mastery, Shadow Work and Fearful Avoidant). I'm currently working on the Needs course. The courses, together with my therapy, have been very helpful but in the area of communicating my needs, asserting myself effectively or relaying to people how I feel, I still struggle and have done so my whole life. So its a hard pattern to break. Baby steps maybe?
@@HadashiMartialArts Absolutely! The fact that you have recognised the "issue" you have with communication and validated yourself is an incredible first step, as is taking that leap to face that and make positive steps towards developing the tools to overcome it, so well done you! You are awesome. This demonstrates courage and determination to grow and heal.
Baby steps are indeed the way forward. Its not a race to the personal growth finish line.
Be transparent with those you are trying to communicate with. Honesty is always the best place to start, and having your peers/social circle/loved ones on your side provides a great safety net as you learn. Express your struggle as your vulnerability. It sounds quite ironic in a way, doesn't it? In order to communicate to others your problems with communication, you have to communicate!! :D
Look at it like raising a barn. You've seen the Amish raise a barn, yes? A strong foundation is built, on which a frame is then fixed, and then pieces are hung on that framework, to form the barn walls. At the end of the day, the roof goes on, and there sits a well-built, long lasting, solid structure where before there was nothing. And everybody has worked together as a team, to raise it. No man builds his barn alone.
Make this your barn!
I dont know if you have Thais' book, but you may find similar material within the PDS regarding mindfulness through ACT, which may be helpful in your situation. She discusses (page 74-75) how the reptilian part of one's brain takes over, causing the fight or flight reaction during emotional trigger situations such as conflict due to communication issues as an example.
Using the technique of isolating the emotion, how you are feeling it, and where you are feeling it, is enough to bring your focus back to the cortex/neocortex part of your brain which works more logically rather than emotionally. By practising this technique, you should be able to "buy time" during discussions of your needs to ground yourself and put your thoughts and needs in order before you verbalise them? My little boy uses a similar technique, he calls his struggle his "spaghetti brain" :)
I wish you continuing success on your journey. Be proud; You have this!!
Exactly how I feel.
I'm really loving these scripted videos they are so enlightening and teaching me how to communicate well.
Me too!
I loved the script type video. I needed a lot in my life. I've been married for 14 years. I cannot have a single conversation with my husband without me being misunderstood and then Id be stonewalled for 5 days or more, even on special occasions like the holidays. It's so brutal..
As a dismissive- leaning FA it’s unfortunate that there’s so much resentment towards us from so many of the people we date. Most of the time it’s simple misunderstandings that go unresolved because of my partner’s unwillingness to communicate the boundaries they have. They betray themselves by not standing up for themselves, by bottling the things that bother them, and end up resenting me for not meeting non-communicated needs. In my most recent relationship, I would ask directly what she would like to see from me that she isn’t getting, and she would flat out refuse to say it, because “I should know how to be a good boyfriend without me having to tell you” etc. I’d shut down and withdraw because I couldn’t deal with the feelings of not being enough, or not being good in relationships, etc when the reality is that, while I’m not perfect, I gave her so much information about me; I wanted to be an open book for a change. She is mostly an anxious FA, and she is very good at showing up for everyone but herself. I think she viewed her needs and boundaries as a burden on others, or that it was unsafe to express them without people leaving or getting upset with her. Idk. Anyway, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy where, because I’m pretty good at expressing my needs and boundaries, she was given the tools to better deal with me and therefore was seemingly great at meeting my needs. But she never gave me the tools necessary to be a better partner to her… she forced me to fire shots in the dark until I hit something, and made me feel awful when they wouldn’t land, for not intuitively “knowing her”. It’s hard to express because on the outside looking in it looks like I wasn’t trying or didn’t care, but it’s exhausting opening up to someone- being extremely vulnerable with them, when they aren’t willing to do the same- and to top it off blame YOU for the downfall of the relationship… now she hates me and thinks I treated her so badly and it honestly feels like she’s projecting her own self-betrayal onto me and idk how to even fix that. I’m not one to just give up on the people I invest in but this feels impossible ☹️ what dooooo
Sorry to say but you sound like you take no responsibility-all the people you’ve been with were wrong? What about you?
@@Gomba13 "all the people you’ve been with were wrong?" it happens
thank you for sharing
DA is super hard to deal with. They won't say anything, then maybe come back with one word answers. Everything and anything u say can be perceived as criticism and will cause them to shutdown, so u have to be very careful with what u say to them.
I just learned yesterday that I'm an Anxious Preoccupied type with a Dismissive Avoidant. We relate to each other just as you'd expect from this combination. As a man, it's a weird position to be in because I'm "supposed to be" more dismissive and avoidant. I'm now educating myself on how to deal with her, IF she wants to put in the work to save this relationship. Yesterday was a lightbulb moment. . .thank, God.
Interesting that you should equate dismissive avoidance with 'manliness'. I'm a DA and feel that at least it's consistent with a lot of tropes about how men typically behave within a relationship - practical, emotionally limited, strong and silent, a bit distant and unknowable. And despite women often lamenting the lack of emotional intimacy with their male partner, at same time I doubt whether they would feel attracted to a man demonstrating more conventionally feminine, touchy-feely, emotionally needy qualities.
The more I learn about relationships the more difficult they seem to me. I used to think that people just got together for somewhat opaque reasons and it just kinda worked out, not perfectly, but sufficiently. The more relationships I fail at, and the more comments I read about how unhappy people often are within relationships, the more despondent I feel 😬
How is your relationship with your DA now
Thank you for your work. In most of what I see online, it seems to be women who are recovering from anxious attachment, navigating with men who are predominantly the avoidants.
It's been the total opposite with me, actually, and you have been helpful to me over the last couple years.
When you realize they are avoidant leave; they have not worked on themselves to be ready for a meaningful relationship.
I read an article on medium recently and she said, "A lot of times you think the person is sincere, not malicious but he's actually third-tiering you!" 😥😢
It feels like you read my comments complaining about my DA never being open to be communicated with haha. I ended things with him bc it hurt too bad, but I'm still grateful I can hear your thorough explanations, you are the best 🥰
May I ask how did you end things? I’m a FA. I want to end whatever this bs rel is with my DA
@@twainslureca I'm FA too! Not gonna lie, it was really hard. I realized it was imperative for me to be totally emotionally fed-up before I could do it.
Basically I set a time limit (I didn't tell him about the time limit) for him to open-up more and in the meantime I prepared myself emotionally for how I will break up with him if he won't open up even at that time limit.
It looked like this: for a few months I stayed patient, carefully trying to approach him emotionally, trying to show him that I'm "a safe option" for him and I'm open for communication, at the same time i reminded myself throughout these months that "this probably won't end well".
In our final conversation I asked "ok now, what do you want from me?" and he said "it's just not the right time". At that point I was so fed up that I could bring myself to end it completely. I tried to take responsibility for my behavior and not phrase it as an attack but he probably took it as criticism/personal offense anyway. But I had anticipated his reaction, so I used that as a way to ensure he won't come back again. I realized I needed to completely burn the bridge :/
I hope this helps, if you have more questions ask away, I just don't want to annoy you with a whole novel here haha :)
@@twainslureca If your DA is really unwilling to put in the work, I would look at your own stories about what it means to break up with him - like, why you are (or your subconscious is) resisting it so much. For example, do you think it will mean you'll be alone forever, or that it will mean you failed at the relationship, etc. Then, take those stories and question them, equilibrate them. Thais talks a lot about this. It's the only way to actually get at the root vs. playing mind games and driving yourself to the point of making the decision out of anger or outrage (which it shouldn't be - that's a recipe for you to swing anxious after you break up). Good luck!
Mercedes Aventis thank you for the reply. Well mine doesn’t communicate about anything unless it’s practical so he won’t over text whatsoever discuss. Doing anything in person with regards to speaking about feelings, he literally walks away. I’m serious. He doesn’t communicate about us. It’s nearly 3 months we’ve been dating, and we stopped talking a week ago. I’m fed up but I’m old fashioned and don’t want to ghost. Most likely it’s going to be a text I’ll have to do it over, although he’s avoiding me. He knows he went too far with dismissing me the entire last date we had and this silence for a week is what I need to break. I don’t want have a timeline for things to get better as I’m so mad at myself for wasting 3 months on him. He has disrespected me and I want to end it. I literally don’t know what to say.
@@twainslureca I had to do it over text too, my DA was similarly bad, always acting like there was nothing to be communicated about in the first place. In our final convo I first asked him some questions over text. In the end, my own emotions were my priority, luckily. I really didn't want to lose him bc he was the best match I had ever met in my life, but I simply couldn't take any more pain :/
I just feel so shitty. At first I felt better finding your videos because I understand but factually speaking, im not a "secure" type but I overcorrected so much I know for a fact I didn't do anything to deserve being stonewalled right after cuddles, emergency room for 2 days, any of it. It's not right. I just want to feel better. I dont want this. Its not right and tired of being penalized for existing with love.
“Penalised for existing with love”.... that’s really powerful x
I am sorry to hear you're going through this! My advice to you is to always try to do the work first, and if the needle doesn't move/you aren't happy with the other person's progress, it's time to set a hard boundary and leave. Doing the work in a relationship does not mean staying in something that doesn't fulfill us. Part of the work can be leaving too!
The one thing that this video has helped me with is getting off the ledge of writing all the letters where I talk about being so wounded by getting dumped and discarded… and now the silent treatment. It’s been about three weeks since the faiful text ( after 18 months)… and I had nothing but upset about it,… this helped me,… I really don’t want her back, but I quite dislike ending on bad & hurt terms. Very good food for thought,… thanks…
The needle moving. This week we communicated finally and I found out she is going to therapy and acknowledged she never thought to work on her relationship and intimacy issues until now. I’ve also learned that while I have worked towards being more securely attached, my unhealthy attachment is FA and interacting with my FA brings that back out. It’s very challenging. We went on 2 dates and we’ve been going through this for the last 6 weeks. Hard not to think I’m being strung along. But I don’t believe she has malicious intent in the least.
so, how it's been? 1 year passed, update us, maybe give us hope
I've just moved in with my DA-partner. This new commitment to live together has made us both a bit anxious (I am recovering FA) and he recently had a bit of a avoidant panic attack, shutting me out, because he explained he associates intimate connections with past experiences of being overwhelmed, smothered, lose his individuality. He asked me to please be more open about myself, but I feel so emotional that I need time to digest my thoughts/feelings, and so effective communication between us is really important right now. Thank you for these videos! I recently got a membership and will look at the scripts.
My bf and I are the same!!!! I wish we could talk to each other and vent!😭😫 I moved in with my DA and it's hard. Hoping you are okay and sending you love!
I bet that ended in disaster.
@@marcd2743 😂 the first year was really difficult ngl, we're in smoother waters now
@@0Demiyah0 Really?!
@@marcd2743 I do think so! I did schematherapy and EMDR the past year, and I've been regulated and stable since. I moved from FA to SA. Now that we're out of the rollercoaster of triggering each other, he's feeling safer to be in his emotions and I feel safer to be explicit and specific about my needs. We've been getting into each other again. There is a warm and loving energy between us, just a bit shy at times.
But what if my DA doesn’t even acknowledge that they’re stonewalling me, let alone that there’s an issue they’re going through? Whenever I try to gently approach the topic, I always get a ‘There’s nothing wrong, everything is good’ and there no change in behaviour. I feel like as soon as I try to bring it up and form a conversation around it, I’m shut down immediately.
I know that she’s said before that the person has to be willing to engage in work with you. If they’re unwilling to open a bit and share in the work then the relationship has the ability to turn toxic because you’d be pouring yourself into them and receiving nothing in return. You’d have to make the decision if the effort is worth it at a point.
You might be accusing rather than opening up about what you see or feel you see or think
I think you should let him know that they have DA
@@Brandon-of1xl Yeah, they will turn you co-dependent real quick, you will start to lose your identity more and more, as you walk on eggshells and try to adjust to their behavior. They all have thirsty male orbiter betas you don't know about on social media that they've slept with previously. The minute they are out of a relationship with you they'll be banging em immediately.
How do i ask if they are ok? Is that too intrusive?
well, but you can only try to say these things when your DA is in a good mood. and you can ruin this good mood within seconds. so for me this doesnt work at all. not a single bit. and if the DA listens, then he still gives only one word answers or even has the audacity to ask me if im finished with talking so that we can end communicating now. and when i would say words like 'respect' 'chance' 'why' 'please' the DA gets triggered and pushes you away, as always... a DA would never givt reassurance for anything, and the moment you demand it, the DA pushes you away.
Forget this person and save your sanity.
Why stay in such a dynamic? you deserve more💗
Hope you got out. The longer you stay the more painful it will be when they dry you with no emotion.
@@marcd2743 im free as a bird! 🕊️ and as soon as i sense these dynamics, i run fast. i didnt torture myself long with that DA (only a few months), so that im able to let it be the past. but long enough for lasting impression and becoming careful to never repeat.
@@neredan1182 Awesome to hear! Congrats you got out. I had to go through 1.5 years then get dumped and ghosted.
Ha , and what they are experiencing during their need for space…..
a variety of options on dating apps and
one night stands.
Then we good people who gave them the respect for their need for space get devastated and pummeled .
I keep getting put on a shelve regularly, usually after we met.
Then he takes space to miss me again.
Saw each other the weekend before the last one on a Sunday, and he didbt talk to me since.
We planed on being together...
Super strange behavior. Very introverted and hot and cold behavior. He can't stay away from me but didn't commit yet.
No idea what to do with him.
I'm very open with my emotions and feelings. And I am not hanging on to negative feelings for long, but I'm anxious when I don't hear from him, and it bothers me...
I wish I knew how to get him out of his zone before its too late.
I know he loves me...
I can relate to the hot & cold behavior coming from the other person. But I also think I'm a FA. I withhold because of fear of rejection. Though we've both admitted feelings for each other, I think we're both terrified to get too close to someone & be heartbroken again, at least I am. Wishing you clarity & healing...
Bread crumbing
How is your relationship going?
I hope you left. For the sake of your own mental health. It's not worth it.
Thank you so much for this. I've been trying to figure out the best way to come out of no contact and bridge the gap.
true. Im on a no contact period and dating coaches only suggest "purposeful text - something like asking a favor" to break the ice.
@@mcso89 you DON'T break the ice. You maintain self-respect. They kicked you out of their life..... don't forget that fact. Now they have to face the consequences of their actions. Don't bail them out.
That is what they want you to do! They have to reach out to you first. Then and only then can you even attempt to reconcile, if that is what you want.
Now start using your head.
It's not about playing games. It's about your self-respect that is in question!
This is the video I need right now 😅 I was ready to say some things when my ex will pop up next time (he stopped replaying to easy messages but at the same time pops up searching for me where he knows he can find me and acts affectionate and opens up a bit again) but they sounded a bit too pushy and too strong for his temperament...even though I'm an FA too, that speech I was ready to give is something I can handle,but he can't and would probably push him more far away; this way you are showing sounds much more appropriate, because after all we are on the same team and we still care a lot about each other but he is going through a really hard time, both understanding himself through therapy, and dealing with a stressful family situation. Thanks!
As a DA who has decided to stay single for tne past 20 years, this advice is useful, since I actually stonewall myself. Another way of thinking about this script is as if it is being delivered to the "inner child" that has witndrawn. Thanks Thais, as usual.
This could NOT have come at a better time for me. Thank you.
Amazing!! Thank you so much for this videos!! All the videos you do are great but communication with a dismissive avoidant is what I find particularly hard. So thank you very much! 😊
So happy you got so much out of the video :) - PDS team member
Your videos are saving lives. Thank you.
Thais, I found this one by fluke, and had missed it even during my absolute soak up all your vids part of the process! This is brilliant and im sorry i missed it before, quality intuitions into the minds of the FA and enabling those that Love an FA to engage more empathically. Some of the comments below regarding sounds like walking on eggshells etc I can understand but like you say, love conquers all and if the FA we love is to heal, long term commitment to the relationship with them is as essential to their growth as it is to our own understandings of others. We can only gain not lose in the path to increased understanding of everyone we love. Brilliant as always, you are divine being, keep shining! x
As soon as I am feeling like I'm constantly walking on eggshells I'm gone.
This was very helpful, similar to the sandwich method which can sometimes be counterproductive
Hi thais! Can you do a series on what empowers each attachment style? Thank you for your videos
axliu that’s a great idea!
Great idea
I feel that I have tried to approach the conversations in the ways that you express in this video. It doesn’t seem to go anywhere even when I express how I am affected by their actions. This has been going on for years and it really never comes to a conclusion in the end besides ignoring it until it goes away or comes up again. They feel the need to go as far as saying “what is there to resolve?” I am just not sure how else to get across to them that I care about what they think and say and end up having conversations with myself. I rarely ever feel like the issue has been resolved unless I let it go.
I am sorry you going through this what seems like a revolving door. You may what to think that if issues go unresolved for you could it be something you could accept completely without feeling resentful or neglected building as you may have a serious decision to make if no chance of change on your partner's part. In a healthy relationship, you deserve to be heard and listened to honestly to have a chance to be understood.
Time to eject.
Ok so my DA partner stonewalls me and when I do what you're saying, he doesn't agree because he believes that he is able to meet his own needs and process whatever he is going through on his own and he doesn't need my help with it. The only thing he wants from me is to leave him alone. It is so frustrating and it leaves me with unmet needs for connection.
@B the Change “We almost always pick a partner who reflects back our own relationship to ourselves.”
Damn. Hits right between the eyes. It’s all on us, isn’t it, with our unhealed Trauma. Wow.
Thanks for helping me see the light. ☺️
@@Alphacentauri819 👌🏽
I've actually said all these things (but in a slightly desperate way) but it didnt work till now..its comforting to know i was saying the right things, except the desperate part..... . So, for now, i told them i think all you need is space so im gonna wait quietly....
You’re so good at breaking this down!! I’ve been in therapy for my own personal growth. My x said no to therapy and he needs it more than I did. Long story short… I want him to watch these so bad because I still love him and although I left, I had to… I still love him and I know we can be a great couple if we just knew this information. Thank you. I’ll get him to at least watch these eventually. I’m still on my personal growth mission so I’m not going back to his shit anytime soon… not till he puts in the work too.
Your script is so kind and loving, it brought tears to my eyes. So well said!
Can you do this with an ex which is a recent breakup , i replied to her story in a light hearted way she responded quickly and in a good mood but when i tried to extend the conversation she left me on read, I dont know what to do
The DA messed up and left without an explanation blaming me for everything. This is so painful
That's what they do.
I have been trying to apologize for something I did to my ex. I want to give an honest apology but when I just tried in a heartfelt email he (FA/DA) lashed out at me and it was horrible. I know this says nothing about me, but it's like it robbed me of my original intention which was to offer a sincere apolgy - really triggered me in my narc mother even though he is not abusive. I want to apologize for me and him. to clean my own slate to move on. But, this is just awful this stonewalling.
I hope you ran and didn't put your beautiful self through anymore of it.
Right, people say comments like you can just say “ oh? They are dismissive avoidant, I’m good on dating them.I’ll find someone new.” Like it’s that easy, what if this was the love of your life? Could you just say it’s like walking on eggshells and I’m exhausted? You gotta think about it from all angles.
I couldnt agree more, its so easy to NOT put in the work
For those of you trying with a DA/FA Thais's scripts are bar none, the best there are. They will work. But like she said, you need to think if you should be in this in the first place.
I'm at the point where being sweet and understanding isn't working. We're going months on end with no constructive communication and responsibilities are falling by the wayside. I'm the only one trying to reach out and fix things and trying to communicate. So now I'm going to do the "this shit is pissing me the fuck off" ultimatum approach.
My partner shuts down out of fear of making me unhappy/saying the wrong thing. Or he says he just has nothing to say and isn’t thinking anything :/
Thank you so much Thais this is exactly where I am at ! When we dated 3 years ago I didn’t know he was a Da ,now that I do I’ve realized this is the pattern after we have been together , it’s a lot but I do care and I try to remember it’s not their fault we all have / had issues and we wanted someone to understand ! Appreciate you 🙏🏾♥️
This is really helpful, thanks Thais. I'd love more script videos for communication with a longterm DA partner
I so needed to hear this! I’m learning so much from your videos. Thank you!
My FA has friend-zoned me but not blocked so I talk daily, I don't back off. He answers which is a good thing.
2 months ago ended my relationship with my DA (I'm AP) and I want to be clear: they don't think to have a problem,they don't admitt who they are..I'm sorry, it's useless.
Everytime I felt he was strange he always used to respond "No,everything is ok, you overthink" . I tried for MONTHS to understand why he didn't want to have sex anymore (which has always been rare) and he always said he was just tired, but then I discovered he wanted to do cybersex with cam girls. I had enough..enough humiliation,low self steem..and pain. Never again.
I wonder why DA's prefer doing that?
@@senseijen8963 to avoid intimacy but I think there is also lack of love. Someone who loves treats you in very different ways
@@ArielAriel-rg8ngThat’s being disrespectful, no wonder that happen last year online on someone and she FA due her ex is a AP. We sext each other and yeah.
Your vids are very considered and intelligent. I'm sincere grateful
I screwed up really bad. Went into full on AP Crazy mode w the FA I was seeing over his stonewalling. I feel like every wound I have is triggered. I blew up his phone. Messaged from a fake number and even messaged his ex. I am so HURT by his refusal to talk and I am a mess from this. Someone help. So far I have made a fool of myself and can't seem to get myself under control. He's half aware of his problems but 4 break ups in 11 months and he's stonewalled for a month at a time. Everything was great then implodes. I just dont understand it
Sent this via text. Was this too much??
Erica, I honestly and truly appreciate how much you extended yourself and let me into your life. I know that's not easy for you. I really do. If it's more than you wanted to, thank you for trying so hard and I'm sorry it came at such a high cost for you. Your perspective is valid and deserves to be heard. You're going through a lot being back home and I don't want to add to that. I just want to clear the air because I feel like I'm losing you. I just want to know what is going on. I want to know how I can help you and not be a burden. You needed a break from me and I understand that this is how you self calibrate. Youre trying to protect yourself and I get that. It hurts though being ignored. Please, don't feel guilty or afraid. I'm not going to shame you. I truly want to understand to be there in the way that you need. But I need you to know what it is like for me too. I don't want to resent you. I know we don't deal with things the same way and that's okay. I know youre hurting somehow, but not totally. I want to be on the same page. Please communicate with me. I care about you and you have been great for me. I hope i have been good for you too. If I haven't you can let me know and it's something I want to know. I just need communication please. I'm sorry if this is triggering or makes you feel guilty. That is not my intent.
Yeah that was way too much. They flip out at any hint of you saying they could possibly do anything wrong. Sorry you were in that situation, hopefully you got out. Look at how you are forced to grovel and apologize for nothing (been there bro).
@@marcd2743 Yea I think that would make them feel overwhelmed, disgusted, or both.
I see your pain in this message and I can totally relate. It is very hard being ignored by a DA. Wishing you the best. It was a very loving and caring message, and I don’t know your DA or their experiences - it may be better if it was a little shorter, as they may see the message and feel overwhelmed just by the length, because they may see it as ‘intense’ through no fault of your own. Good luck!
It’s fair of you to write this. Unfortunately they are gonna take it as too much. It’s not fair to you.
Thank you for this. I need to understand how to communicate better with me gf and this really helped me with some ideas
WONDERFUL VIDEO! PLEASE DO THE NEXT ONE!!!
BLESSINGS
I get told me reassuring her, complimenting her, honouring her when she has seen i need her to lean in in that moment etc - she hates it and hates that i do it. I explain my needs and how im trying to heal and process things by guving her space etc and now im telling her what shes not doing and yet that is exactly what im Not doing but as usual it gets turned into me attacking her for expressing what i need.
Its like being a lure on a fishing line 😔😔
Thanks!
Ive tried so many times all of what u say...for the anxious yes its extremely painful/devaluing & triggering all of my trauma/ abandonment wounds...then when i finally react through this, he says i trigger him!! Sometimes i feel he is using me.. taking my vulnerability for granted....waiting tillnhes ready to come around... i just feel like im bashing my head against a brick wall!! Selfish!! Then when ive finally reacted & had enough...im to blame!! Wtf!!! ??? Then he ends it....only to come back around when hes ready again & says he will try, but the first sign of any trigger for him....instead of understanding eachother...working through it together...he doesnt ....& the same cycle begins.....im guessing i have to find the inner strength to finalise it & walk away😢 I'm working on my wounds...why does the avoidant not seek help for their wounds/pain??
So demoralising...when it could be so easy...what about their partners pain??? Not just acting on their own & stonewalling & abandoning them!!
Has anyone tried this?
Hello, Thais. You look so beautiful and radiant! Thank you for all your content. Grateful. Sending you love.
Such VALUABLE information! Thank you so much!!
If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them. Yeah, there's tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?
Feeling this right now
#truth Avoidants could make good casual partners if you know the deal and are into that, otherwise, it will be a never-ending battle.
We always knew you would never sympathize with us, much less try to understand. We are, truly, better off without you. If you do not need us, if you really are that independent, then please quit your incessant complaining and just leave already.
@@Kaisharga objectively speaking, it's avoidants/anxious attachment styles that have the disorder. People with attachment disorders at least need to be in a healing process before they are capable of moving into the later stages of a relationship. Thais says this. Frustration comes in where people with attachment issues cause pain that would not be necessary if the secure person was just dating someone else. Make no mistake. You have the disorder - you are the problem.
@@jesh879 Take a look at Revolution 2020's comment and try to imagine a situation where, even if someone were working through their trauma and healing, that saying such a thing would be in any way helpful. Hell, the things you're saying are something that I would expect to hear from someone with a dysfunctional attachment style. "The problem isn't me." "This wouldn't be a problem if the person I was dating didn't have your issues." The truth is that it's very rarely just one person at the root of an issue...but we don't have any kind of control over anyone but ourselves. So if you need to bounce, bounce. Take care of yourself. But don't stab someone and then pretend it's a good thing for everyone to do.
I love u, u are such an inspiration and such a big help
SA here, I think that these unhealthy communication styles need the individual to address their own patterns through personal development. It's one reason why relationships end.
By now i tried everything to get some considerstion or empathy.. nope. Im the problem.. i tried kindness, effective communication, understanding... nothing. I give up. He is with other girls anyway... never felt like a priority. I need peace from this avoidant but i'm affraid to block him
love the new intro
How do I communicate my understanding of the mistakes I made and acknowledge that I understand how it affected him and how I have and worked on myself to my ex? I don’t want to highlight negatives and he has a tendency to emphasize those but the majority of our relationship was wonderful and I truly think he is the best person I have ever met. But when he feels hurt or rejected he completely shuts down and I don’t know how to even start to approach that.
its really tiring trying to communicate with an avoidant. they just dont talk much. im an anxious and trying my best to think like a secure, patience, give them time, reassuring etc. the secure side tells me dont waste time. it aint worth it, if i have tried all that i can.
Building a bridge, very good advice, thank you!
the fear of the abandonment pain..is the only reason I’m stuck in a relationship with a Da...it’s just the last relationship got me hurt me so badly that my attachment style changed from AP to FA..and I’m not ready to feel that amount of pain again..so it’s just less scary to stay and act cold ☹️💔
What’s ap
Excellent helpful script. Thanks you!
Is it possible to go from secure to anxious attachment? I'm dating a DA and sometimes I feel like I went from secure to anxious. Not sure if that is really possible
Yes, a DA has the ability to make a secure attachment person insecure and anxious.
I feel the same
I think that the DA has the power to bring out insecurities that you always had beneath the surface in you, but that were hidden. Secures aren't going to light up your insecurities, but the DA will. Chances are those insecurities were already there. Now you can work on them :)
Yes you got polarized
The attachment styles are a teeter totter
Yes
So, I’ve gone beyond this accidentally, hearing this script 3 days later than it would have been very useful! Is there something for after I’ve done a ‘I want you to hear me’ ?
Ughh I'm so sick.. I've already been stonewalled and ignored and blocked :( think I'm too far past this stage :( it didn't help that he lives long distance from me :( so it was easy for him to just block me out of his life... These people I feel are really toxic and I don't think this society does a good job of like thinking it's okay for people to be this way. Because it's REALLY not. If a relationship is going to work, it takes Two people who are willing to communicate. If you lack that ability, I do believe you need to go back to kindergarten where they can teach you the basic skills of how to deal with your emotions. Of course our school system is fucked, so how would they have learned? I think this needs to change. We need to heal this world and it starts with teaching kids at a young age. Adults are carrying around childhood wounds and it is not okay. I will not tolerate putting up with people like this anymore! Haha I've dealt with an ex for TWO whole years, playing the game of walking of eggshells being afraid to ever speak up because I was a afraid of how he would react( shutting down blocking me and doing all this stuff like banging other girls just to get over the feelings he had.) This was so unhealthy and it's def taken a toll on my life. The best advice I can give is avoid these individuals all together haha!! Not that there hopeless but like it will definitely take so much work and hard dedication and a fair amount of your soul being sucked , only for the end result leaving you alone and basically with nothing. They won't ever truly respect you either because they can't even see or respect themselves or there own emotions. :(
Actual answer starts at 4:30
Words are so essential!!!
How long do I wait. I think this is me. Im anxious and I think my GF is DA although she's not interested in looking into attachment styles much. Based on her behavior though it's safe to say. THe problem is, just like this video she's completing stonewalling me. I know almost nothing about her past or relationships. She talks to her friends about things but just tells me I need to respect that she is private and she says she doesn't trust me (i read: feel comfortable talking to me) I've told her that i respect her boundaries and to talk to me when the time is right but its been nearly 6 months now and still nothing. SHe has a hard time reciprocating her feelings back verbally, and my love language is words of affirmation. Her's def is not. I tell her I miss her, how much I like her, how pretty she is etc, and she shuts down. She doesn't feel comfortable with compliments and gets angry at me when I do, and she gives me no validation back even though i've both asked for it and hinted at needing/ wanting it. I really want the relationship to work and I really like her but I don't know if it can when she doesn't trust me, even though i've never done anything to lose her trust or show that im not worthy of it.
Hope you got out of that bs.
This is a great video, thank you!
Glad you like it, thanks for the comment - PDS team member
How can you communicate when they dont want to even text you back?
This is really helpful! Thank you!
Very Thoughtful content...
This is my favorite video yet!!!!
So happy you like it! - PDS team member
Thx for sharing. Suggest use a better microphone, and slow down a bit the speed of speech. So we can hear more clearly your points
Really good video. Thank u.
I’m sorry but all of that speech doesn’t work. It truly doesn’t. Lots of words, at that point the dismissive avoidant walked away three words in.
This would work better with a chick avoidant, harder sell for a male avoidant I'd guess.
Is this realistic to ask this of your partner ? How do we do this and what are some appropriate responses from them
4:56 the answer sounds like how to deal with a BPD
I’ve actually noticed similarities in my current relationship w my DA that I experienced w a previous relationship with a BPD ex and it was really scary how close they think /act .
@@carolinelaronda4523 I think that "maybe" DA is just a concept that englobes the narcissistic behaviour, the BPD, the PSD and some of this kind of personality disorders in a more general way to easily explain these behaviours to people
@@rafaelparra1260 I believe so. The cluster b disorder traits definitely overlap with dismissive avoidant tendencies
@@carolinelaronda4523 how do you know your person who was a DA didn’t have BPD?
@@carolinelaronda4523 Its because new research suggests that BPD is just fearful avoidant with structural dissociation
Sure that works if they don't take away complete access to them
4:31
6:06
8:10
Very helpful video.
So helpful!
Your videos are awesome ❤❤
Gosh I'll never remember all that. I've tried being respectful don't help. He's been shut down for 40 years
Thank you for this