As an AA, I am now painfully aware about the AA-DA dynamic. I am accepting responsibility that I expected many unmet childhood needs to be met through others who struggle with their own core wounds. I no longer want to feel like a victim, so I commit to my own healing journey. The pain has been a great teacher. My goal is self-compassion and compassion for others. We are all worthy of healing.
Wow, this is so clarifying. As an FA that was leaning secure before meeting the DA ex, regressed as a result of the relationship, and is now healing by attachment style, I wouldn't deal with a DA again for all the money in the world. Disappearing whenever there's an issue to resolve feels like emotional blackmail. Every time he didn't get his way he held the whole relationship hostage. It was so bad he couldn't even bring himself to show up at my birthday celebration and sulked the whole time. It was just like all my past relationships with narcissists only by a different name, because their various deactivating and protest behaviors feel exactly like the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Furthermore, I understand it's not a DA's fault their emotional bandwidth is smaller, but why would I want to be in a relationship with a person that is literally incapable of relating to me with the same depth of connection? There's no fulfilment possible in that.
You want to be with a DA, because you guys are complementary. People hate that the DA is rigid, and they love that the DA is stable. DAs don't like the impulsivity of an AP for example, but they love the colorful life they get in return. Ah yes, the trauma bonding ^^
Wonderful video. But the more work I do, the more I wonder why I even put myself through a DA. I over accommodated a person who refused to make the smallest effort while sitting here overthinking on how to meet their needs. I am going through so much anger at myself for the disrespect I showed myself chasing and coddling the DA. I have no hate in my heart and I believe the DA people of the world deserve love. But this video is just another example of a possible very 1 sided future if I entertain this. Me doing all of this and they can't even keep the promise of saying "I need a little space". Just cruelty, withdrawal, just senseless affliction of emotional pain just for a half assed, non informative "I'm sorry" text at best. I'm suddenly just.. done. Hello from day 2.5 of no contact.
Elle I''m sorry to hear your pain. Please be gentle with yourself, you are trying and you are learning along this journey. Yes, if you have done work on yourself and your partner is absolutely unwilling to budge on anything than you have to make a choice between your happiness or theirs. Please keep doing the inner work and giving yourself credit for doing so. The better we treat ourselves, the healthier relationships we will attract to our lives- PDS team member
You are wonderful soul, please remember that! You did all these things because you truly believed you can help. Unfortunately, often it’s impossible to help DAs. It doesn’t mean they are bad people. But they need to acknowledge the problem which they rarely do.. on the other hand, the question “why did I stick to that person” is a good one and can help you to face your wounds and inner child. At least I have experienced intense inner growth. And I am thankful for that. But I hope life will never bring me to any other DA :)
Dear Elle B... I can so relate of what you are going through and I am in a quite same relationship with a DA and we have had last night again a heavy argument...I admire that you are growing... I am just suffering I had an car accident last night and he wasn't in the car but came then... He wasn't able to hug me or be beside me.. I had to beg him to hug me... I felt shock and pathetic...all at the same time I am starting to get angry because he is the important one in this, his needs are important, especially the sexual ones and he does the rules I have learnt so much here and I understand much more than before the "why's" But I am doing all the work and he is just taking...I feel like an empty jar
The key is always communicate, and set your boundaries. If anyone, regardless of attachment type, consistently refuses to work, communicate, or ignores your boundaries, it's unhealthy, plain and simple.
I’m divorcing my DA husband. He was always insensitive, likes to pick fault on me, gave me silent treatment, hot and cold, etc. I was going through a rough time in my personal life, and during a trip out of tiredness I complained abit about my life. He took it as a personal attack. No matter how many times I apologized, he hang up on me and wanted a divorce. He left me alone in a foreign country and bought a ticket home himself the next day. Wtf. He doesn’t give a shit about my feelings, and I have to always be extremely careful taking care of his, no matter how unpleasant he is, I have to hold my anger. Eventually I blew up and I slapped him. He called me “crazy ex-wife”. I’ve never been violent with anyone my whole life. But the extreme sadness, frustration, and anger I experienced was real. I never want to feel that way again. If you are with a DA, no matter how seemingly lovable he/she is, and how noble you are that you want to “heal” them, honestly it’s very one-sided and your needs are hardly met. We all live once on this earth, and we deserve to take care of ourselves instead of devoting all that time getting hurt over and over again trying to “save” a DA.
Fiona heat he sounds like he has more than just simple avoidant issues. He sounds extremely selfish and childish. You can’t be in a healthy marriage and constantly walk on eggshells, not be able to express your feelings, and never feel seen or heard. We can never ever “fix” someone or heal someone. At best you can hold space for them (which it seems like you’ve done). I hope you find a partner that loves you and supports you. Treats you with respect and kindness. Good on you for finding the courage to finally break free. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.
There are 2 sides to every story. I am pretty sure if we asked him about the way you "summarized" the marriage, he will disagree. You, however, are stating this as fact and looking for sympathy and not realizing you are trying to distort reality to be solely based on your perception. Perhaps you shouldn't go and get married if you don't understand such basic human psychology.
BGivo I don’t wish anyone to be in my situation. And I feel sorry for anyone he will date afterwards. There is no other side of the story. If your wife is feeling sick and ask you to walk slowly, would you do it? Mine wouldn’t. He just said he walks fast. Plain and simple. And that’s just one of the many occasions where I felt extremely frustrated with him
1.space (sooth themselves) 2.they want to feel understood and heard (They need to feel like you want to understand them) be gentle 3.respect their physical space 4.willingness to take responsibility for your own part.
They want to be understood but they are not willing to speak up. That’s the difficulty. They want to be understood and accepted without verbal sharing because verbal sharing triggers shame and potentially conflict if you don’t accept them. It’s tricky and apparently no exit situation to be in and all alone, like a trap you put yourself into. Most of the times after you show your true willingness to understand and support them they will play it like they are good and nothing happens keeping undercover even if something truly going on. But they will remember your intentions and questions about them with pinch of doubts (does she/he ask it because she really care or just for sake of politeness and cuz this is what good ppl should do? May be she/he needs something from me, I better shrug it off with jokes and watch them) They will remember, and only if you stay consistent and show no signs of manipulation (I ask how are you, why don’t you??) drama (why do you never open up to me, we are friends??) and don’t give up moving on with your life, what probably any healthy person would do after staying long trying to get close with no reciprocating. (In this case avoidant would think smth like “see? I knew she/he asked that questions about me out of politeness, she/he don’t care about me truly) only then avoidant person after hella huge amount of time will let you in their life as their trust person. With high chance they will love you deeply but keep you as a friend because it’s safe proximity not to lose you and be close, but therefore they most likely will choose as romantic partner someone they won’t feel fear to get together (no fear cuz no strong feelings, not sorry to break up with) but they will know that they always have you as a friend they love and who accept and understand them. Pure struggle. Thought response may differ by person, but I wrote it as a learned healthy attacher, avoidant in past, still in triggering situations I have those avoiding thoughts coming in, I just learned how to confront them in my head.
I finally had it with my ex DA the other day. I gave her one final chance and she kept on refusing to accept accountability for her faults and actions. Everything wrong in the relationship was my fault.
As an anxious preoccupied with a DA partner, I can really agree with you having a need to have verbal validation. Since I ve checked up on in this channel, I told him everything Ive learned regarding the reasons for our attachment style and how best to cope up with it. I asked him once if he could be willing to work with me to both reach the secure attachment style, by slowly changing small attitudes each day especially during arguments, he said yes because he told me that ever since I came to his life, life becomes more wondeful compared to the bad life he was having before me. I dont expect him to be so perfect all the time, I feel great already with little progress no matter how painful sometimes to wait when he needs time. I turn my attention instead to fixing my own core wounds. So when he comes back, im ready as well.
@@HustleHabit hopefully it worked out between them! This is a story that’s been told 100 times before, and in a lot of cases it doesn’t work out, although both people are then given the chance to grow and learn from their mistakes which is quite difficult to do IN the relationship! If you’re asking ‘for a friend’ or just genuinely curious for the well-being of this person, I wouldn’t be able to know. But if you’re looking for some validation or a success story to feel more confident that things will work out, then I would tell you that there are 100s of times this story has been told and it has worked out! Just assessing how you’re feeling, whether or not you’re willing to work on yourself, your partner is willing to work on themselves, and little efforts are made and acknowledged by both ends, then there is progress. If you can point to something tangible, and the bad times don’t overwhelm the good, it will work :)
Oh Hi everyone! I think replies about this matter is kind of important to share with others. We decided to end our 5 year relationship because even though we love each other, the fights made us both very unhappy people, and sadly we ended up hating each other in the end. He cheated on me while Im working here in UK. If he treats you badly while youre together how much more with a distance. I guess my lesson on this attachment style problem, isnt how good we can keep up with other peoples attachment style. The goal for me now is to reach that secured attachment style and finally meet a man like that. Til now Im still meeting avoidant guys and thats the people I attract. I think If Ill just love myself more, like be the right person for myself then Ill be able to attract someone who can be the right person for me. I dont think we are all weak for being in this situation, we just picked up the wrong battle to fight instead of self love. And the amount of happiness and freedom after thay break up. My God I glow up andd got sexier haha Im telling you guyss the happiness andd peace youre gonna get after you decided to let go, you wont feel like youre carrying the world anymore. Lifes great again ❤
I'm just lying here crying as I realize how desperate I was to be seen and heard. Instead I got left. I spent years trying to be understanding, empathetic and having compassion but the same was not afforded to me. I miss my wife everyday.
@Idontfeellikedancing a year later and I can honestly say you were 100% correct. I've done so much work on me and finally I'm free. Freer than I've ever been in my life with healthy communication all around me.
This has really helped me understand why I go mute during stressful times. It is really frustrating to me that it takes me such a long time to know and understand my emotions.
I wouldn't like to be in the skin of a dismissive-avoidant individual. And we have to understand and try to imagine them as babies, how scary it was for them to be all the time with the fight-or-flight response active. However, I would say, and because even secure individuals can have relationships with dismissive avoidants partners, we have to stand up for ourselves and be emotional warriors. Arguments provide the necessary structure for growth and mutual understanding. So if after the first argument they decide to leave, and leave out of blue, let them go, and love yourself. Have a good day, Thais! :)
Dear Alexandra, it would be helpfull if they could try to understand their own dynamic in relationships and find their way to therapists who are more like Thais..love from Holland 🙏🌷
@@vanteylingenbrickfilms2427 I agree 100% with you! But unfortunately, the reality is different, and it is a shock for me because the full theory was published by Bowlby between 1969 and 1982. Of course, academic psychologists, and even the psychoanalytic community ostracised him. But his work together with Freud teaches us so much about human behavior and relationships. Love from Portugal ;)
They are not in fight or flight mode that's the anxious, fight or flight is an intense emotion, they don't have any so they switch off, that's why when they leave they don't feel much. Anxious people are the ones who feel like they are being chased by a bear and they feel sick can't eat, if avoidants were capable of feeling these emotions they wouldn't leave. It's like flat line in an operating theatre the needle doesn't move. They are not going up and down like a regular heart beat. There capacity for feeling is very low they just know they need to switch off they don't really feel anxiety much. X
@@Miriam-ul4ke Actually DA's have a low level fight or flight going on in the background for most of the day. but it's like a 2 or 3 out of 10. So it's not an all out emotional fight or flight it's low level anxiety but sometimes don't even realize it. This is because lack of connection with parent there was anxiety around safety. Like when they cried out and their caregiver wasn't attuning to them and giving them what they needed, this was the equivalent of thinking their survival was at stake and it was very scary.
I believe if we commit to this journey of self compassion, we can lead by example. Shying away from our inner child, abandoning ourselves, these are things we are the only ones to blame. I see a lot of people here so shocked and mad, frustrated they've wasted their time. I think perhaps this is the best opportunity we've been given to force ourselves heal internally, for real. I'm choosing to see my AA-DA dynamic as a learning experience.
In other words, if you learn how to communicate with them, adapt and ignore your needs to accommodate them, learn this “new” language for them…..and do the work of two people--the only reward is feeding the illusion that you’re in a relationship. 🤣. Turned in the towel two Weeks ago. Love is supposed to be your safe space, not your battles.
Your comparison of DAs emotional processing and the process of communicating in a new language is brilliant. I taught myself German and I understand very well the shutting down, the needing space and time, the inability to formulate thoughts, the embarrassment and fear, etc. Brava Thais!!
OMG my relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.
I’m really sorry for your pain. I know all too well how this feels and it is heartbreaking. I wish I had better words to offer but I really do feel your pain. I’m going through it and the selfishness is mind blowing.
Similar for me too. I was not able to have some of my needs met by other person. And a conversation on that never became a conversation. It was one of those things that spiral outta control and my reactions are what is now importan not the original concern.
Sounds like narc tendencies. My DA often does this in an attempt to show reasons why he is behaving in the way he is. But, if I text him with my perspective and give him time to think on it, I will see an almost immediate change on behavior on his part to accommodate my needs. I can tell he cares and wants me to be happy. It is just horribly difficult for him to communicate about it face to face.
I'm beginning to think he has narcissistic traits as well, an extreme fear of rejection. Only when I used to put myself down to an extreme extent, he was willing to listen - not interact or talk, but listen. Nothing, nothing ever came from him. Unreal.
I (FA) need hugs after an argument and my DA would look at me as though repulsed by the idea of touching me and would even ask me why I thought he would want to hug me...so painful.
@@JadeNichelle Me too but in my case he left saying he won't talk to me anymore, after I said I can say what I want in my own house (he got angry and annoted bc I talked about my traumatic experience, he said it made him feel bad and that he didn't want to invest in this, so cold and this was after a romantic evening full of kisses abd hugs and he said 'you are so sweet'. He suddenly exploded. We only dated one month but I keep crying bc of his words and I keep hearing his hurtful words in my mind . Finally I fell for a man but.. If he has no empathy or respect for my feelings what's the point. I'm constantly hoping for his message and then getting confused, thinking: what if he misses me too and I have to make a mature attempt but that's crazy bc he cutted it off without wanting to close the gap. I wished I didn't tell him anything about my traumatic experience. That last evening qhen we left the restaurant he said he remembered how we walked there hand in hand on our first date. So it means he did feel for me. Then his cold words hit me again and I know he is gone. I have my pride but for now it's gone...I feel no motivation to sport etc and I don't want another man this may take a while 😑 His last text was an insult and chances are it's just another manipulator but I'm zo confused, wondering if I messed up but even if ... I was being myself sharing a story and he was so annoyed. I'm open to reflect and apologize make it up but he just yelled at me leaving me crying on mt couch. Well...his last 3 words were 4 days ago. I will delete his number when I'm ready:(
I think DAs are absolutely the most difficult and most toxic people to have a relationship with. Mixed in with the dysfunction is a profound degree of narcissism, self-centeredness, emotional and intimacy starvation, and overall lack of empathy. I say, walk away as soon as possible. Don’t wait until they hook you.
I have intuitively tried some of these things already and I think they don't work in real life because at least my DA hated talking after a fight altogether. He wasn't persuaded by logically trying to look at the situation to create a better relationship or the idea of being a team. He just wanted to be done with the topic. So I think what is described here is a conversation with sb. who has already started doing the work. Otherwise it's not possible.
Mine too. And I don't understand why 2 people cannot talk about thier problems. If afgans and talibanes can come to a dialogue why we aren't. 😂😂. I just feel sadness or inability to move them towards secure attachment at the same time.
Mine said "communication is overrated". A divorce and an ex-common law partner later, and in his 40s you'd think he would question the efficacy of his approach. It's also a bit of an overlap with a narcissist I find, when DAs do this, because they are punishing with silence or withdrawal of affection or reassurance. After a disagreement I always make sure to let him know that he is loved and that it'll be okay as far as I'm concerned. He never does this. 3 years overall.
I'm a DA and when i get into an argument i stop all communication I get really comfortable without talking and i can do it for long periods at a time....I'm very vindictive with it too at some point I'm going to dish out revenge. And the thing is even tho i let go and we speak again automatically i distance myself emotionally so over time the coldness comes forward n the little warmth Emotionally receeds....its like chipping at ice it gets smaller......but I'm know both my good and bad side so relationships are not for me.
I agree my DA definitely cannot bring himself to say sorry even discuss how things can be put right which leaves this huge void which is never dealt with. Makes my cry.
@@chezchisholm9776 i can say sorry and apologize but i don't mean any of it or feel sorry i say because I evaluated myself or self reflected and logical thought out that i can be wrong.
I'm starting to think my DA boyfriend is more secure than I first thought five months ago. I lean secure but can be easily pushed into being AA or FA depending on the situation. We text every day and he has never needed more than 24 hours to start talking to me after a conflict. I've had to really work hard to set good boundaries and we've had some significant obstacles to overcome learning to trust each other. I'm getting ready to move to his city in 3 weeks which is exciting and scary at the same time.
Sometimes the comments on DA videos feel discouraging. The videos are wonderful, and are prolly the best resources for Avoidants. Many of us were very hurt growing up, now that we're older, realizing how attachment styles affect our relationships. We're trying to heal and grow just like the rest of you
I'm sorry, but I won't be coddling or enabling a DA. They are emotionally abusive. They need therapy, not coddling or a relationship. To hell with them.
What if DA never bounces back? You said in extreme cases it might take 4 days, my DA never gets back to me after an argument. I'm so tired of being the instigator always.
My DA boyfriend took 3 days after an argument that he initiated. He never told me he needed it he just stopped communicating by text and phone. I took Thais advice and told him I understood he needed space but we also needed to get to the root of the problem and to call me when he’s ready. It took him three days . He first texted me on the morning of the fourth day. When I didn’t respond immediately as usual he went into victim mode and said I moved on and was seeing someone else. I think he’s a DA that leans FA and also AA. He’s always scared I’m going to leave and that I’m cheating. He recently accused me of cheating because of a picture I posted at night with a caption that I was having a good time with company. He wouldn’t call me at all for no apparent reason but as soon as this picture was posted he called and guess what I ignored him because I was busy. He thinks my life and energy had to revolve around him.
I really find your videos helpful and interesting. I used to be in a relationship with a DA but after trying different advice unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. I still however find your videos real eye openers and it's even got me interest in psychology! You are both beautiful and interesting so thank you once again! Xx
Helpful video!:) I would love to hear more about DA's and their problems giving emotional support for their partner. IN your other videos FA are encouraged to express their needs and be vulnerable, but whenever I do that, my DA partner is not being emotionally supportive at all, and answers in a very rational way not giving any emotional support. It makes me thinkk that expressing needs and being vulnerable does not really help because he has no capability in being supportive and attending those needs, sees my vulnerabilities as weaknesses. It would be great if you could make a video for people who are not good in giving emotional support but want to learn:)
Very accurate..DA female here and I really need space after a fight or argument to process my thoughts and feelings..I also need to step back from the situation and detach from the emotions I’m feeling at the time of the fight/argument in order to not react based on what I’m feeling but to be able to think logically about things.
This video is excellent. Thank you. I think my DA feels more secure with me, I naturally do a lot of these things, and when I do it successfully, he immediately calms and comes close to me… but I’ve definitely messed up too several times and the consequences are that he takes lots and lots of space. Hopefully I’m at a mental place now where I can do a better job. I know he loves me and I know we’re soulmates and I know we can do this together. And I can be patient and nourish myself when he needs time.
I am so grateful for your videos! My relationships are so much healthier because of your channel. I can’t afford your program but I would definitely take it if I could! Thank you so much for your videos 💚🙏🏽✨
My DA emotionally seems to not be able to meet my emotional needs. He seems to half try and then gives up or gets frustrated because he doesn't understand what I am feeling. He meets other needs just not my emotional needs most of the time. It's like he is 100% all about his needs. I am an FA so I understand I am not easy to love however, when asking to have a healthy conversation I am met with my DA taking everything personal and getting very angry. I have used a script and it got me no place with my DA. It just gave him an excuse to put off the conversation for another time. Meanwhile, we never address anything at all. We literally go in circles and I get hurt and frustrated pull back and consider whether I even want to say in my marriage because I feel so unheard, unseen, and unimportant to my DA. How can I help him talk about his feelings ? He doesn't after 22 years say what he loves about me and wants from me. He says very shallow things like "you care about people", that's why I am loved and wanted because SOMEONE will always care about you??? That doesn't feel like I am loved at all or like my spouse even knows me at all. Who do I fix this? Go back to ignoring him that seems counter productive to me
22 years that’s a long time wow, perhaps he thinks providing for you is showing love, my father was like that and I felt loved by him because he shared his resources and did acts of kindness for me, he could never do the emotional stuff
Thais, what to do if a DA just refuses any kind of communication whatsoever?? Like literally you can't even discuss the space thing with them, they just stop talking after an argument. I have suggested in the past that we at some point we get back to talk about things constructively, or he could say: I just need space but I will be back and then we can talk. - NONE of this is happening. He will literally not say a single word. He'll just stop speaking. It's unbearable, and the partner is just supposed to take this...? It's not possible. My ex DA was never ever willing to work on things, everything was perceived as criticism or an attack, no matter how patient and supportive I was. What can be done in such extreme cases?
Nothing. Have self respect. This is a DA that is unwilling to compromise or do the work. How do you think you would have a healthy relationship dynamic here if he just shuts down, and doesn’t discuss issues. All relationships have little roadblocks or issues that both partners can address in an open manner. It’s not possible with a DA who doesn’t see anything wrong or simply stops talking. His wounds and maladaptive defenses are not yours to cure or fix. We can’t change someone, just ourselves. Remember, what you permit, you promote. I was in a similar situation to yours and finally saw how awful it was. When you heal inside and do your own work- you’ll realize the DA isn’t meeting your needs and wants in a relationship.
Bitterkind yes best to walk away. You don’t want to contract DORMATITIS aka being a doormat and walking on eggshells in fear of what the DA will do or say. Have your own boundaries
Can you please talk about DAs and deactivating and trying to numb out their feelings so bad that they might be doing addictive stuff like drinking or drugs or smoking pot. What is the partner supposed to do then? They are unaware of all these psychological things. I feel like they have gone down a self sabotaging cycle, like he was amazing in the first months but mentioned that once I get to know him better, I’ll realize what a horrible person he is. But in the past 2 months he’s been getting worse and worse. He kept telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, but he keeps self sabotaging dates, and everything to the point where I don’t want to talk to him anymore. But I’m worried that he’s really unwell.
Thank you for your work. Your channel and content have changed my life. I’m signed up for the Personal Development School and can’t wait to dive deeper. Thank you!
The "why bother?" thing hit me very hard. My DA ex has said that MANY times, and it takes the pain I'm already feeling from the argument and COMPOUNDS it! We were together for 7 years the first time; had a 4 year split; got back together in 2017 and recently split again in May, due to him having an emotional affair with my niece. All the things he said to her, I wanted & NEEDED to hear from him. I was once on the receiving end of his affections. The closer he got to her, the more distant he was with me. This went on for 2 months before I found out, and it would've gotten to a physical level if it had gone on any longer. He tried SO hard! He threw say 19 years total for a fu****g GAMBLE... with OUR niece... we were basically married! We lived like a married couple, we just didn't have the legal piece of paper. It's sick! What's even more sick is that I can't let him completely go. I was his ride or die, and he was ONCE mine. In my older years, I've calmed my anxious behaviors and was very interested in learning him, but he just wouldn't open up to me and it ended up in a fight almost every time. I tried. I really tried. Some DA's just won't lower their walls (until you're broken up). I just don't get them. At least my DA.
@Sarajb517 That's very sweet of you. You know, what's funny... my counselor used that word "narcissist." I've never seen him that way, but this makes three people (my sister included; the mother of said niece) who have said that. We're actually still seeing each other, just not living together. If the roles were flipped, I'd do everything in my power to get forgiveness & gain the trust back. He's barely shown remorse or interest in getting back together... he actually cuts me off for days when I piss him off! But, he won't actually let me go or tell me he doesn't want this. I've begged, even if it's a no, I'd still be set free with an answer. I DESPISE this limbo. I know I shouldn't put up with this. I know it makes me weak & disgusting, but it's SO hard to let go of almost 20 years of being attached at the hip, and thinking I was his ride-or-die as he is mine. He will say he wants us, but he doesn't show it. I've wondered if I'm expecting too much with all these grand gestures I want him to make. I feel he's done something damn near unforgivable. He met her when she was 13. We we more like sisters. It sickens me to think he may have been interested before. I'm in a dark place, and in a war with my head & heart. I do believe we can get past this, as we have overcome deep issues before. Never this deep, but I was the one he did it to, and I'm the one who feels moving forward with him is possible, so I think he should let that count for something. He worries we won't get past it, so "why bother?" Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had a better outcome, but this only happened in May, so I'm still reeling from it. It shook my entire world, right down to my soul. I'm so careful. I ask questions. How could I let this happen? Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. I'm an introvert with no close friends, so I apologize if I'm too wordy. You're sweet for taking YOUR time to read a stranger's story and comment on it. Much less, make any wishes for them, so that shows me you're a very kind hearted person. Thank you.
@Mileys_choice Your need to run and figure out why your self esteem is so low that anyone having sexual conversations with your niece is in your life. I'm praying for you and telling you this but you already know. God, he will never and doesn't respect you. It's apparent. Run and watch God send you better. He knows your niece is his niece, I could only imagine 😢
i expressed and showed i cared for him, he said he didn´t want to be responsible for my needs at all and didn´t reach out to me for 2 days now, we will see. I think with some people there is nothing to make them feel ok, they just don´t want to communicate at all and expect you to accept their emotional abuse
As someone with almost being secure but some avoidant and also anxious tendemcies , i recently had an argument with a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive friend. It has been challenging cause at the same time i want to share compassion i was busy standing up for myself cause he was in trigger mode of just accusing me. After a few hours i wrote a text where i said that im not happy how the argument went still i will take responsibility for my part that it wont go the same way again becsuse i respect our differences and i see those boundaries needed. Therefore i behaved the best way i could in the moment and tried to stand up for myself, as well i think he did the same too. I also wrote i am aware we didnt intend to hurt or upset each other, even if we did hurt or upset in the situation. I wrote that i dont want to let stand defiance in the way so there is no bad blood from my side. There might miss the compassion part but i guess thats something i would like to say in person. Still i think things (also in friendships) are just working if both sides take acccountability and reflect themselves,right ?
My boyfriend is a DA and broke up with me almost two weeks ago. I haven’t spoken with him since. So he’s probably extreme..way more than 4 days. I’m seeking resolution but he has totally shut down and his reasoning for breaking up makes no sense. We were about to move in together and he has walked away without saying a word. Needless to say I’m hurt and confused. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 10 years so it isn’t as if we aren’t familiar....I’m just sitting still and learning to manage how I’m feeling.
sounds like maybe he got scared about the moving in. After a break up, give a DA about 6 weeks of space. thats typically what they need to come around again. Try not to pressure him. Its so hard but focus on yourself and trust he will come around.
A really similar thing happened to me. 2.5 years together and about to move in, we both go on trips home to see family and supposed to reunite and move in, he calls me out of the blue and tells me nevermind, like a robot, no emotion, as if I didn’t even know him. I feel your pain Dawn, you’re not alone. It’s not you, you are lovable and deserving to be met in partnership. There are others out there who don’t have this kind of behavior in their nature and we need to remember that it’s not our fault.
@@ashleycarucci thank you for sharing! I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s definitely emotionally taxing. My ex never called and never entered my life again. I’m actually doing fine and took a lot of time to regroup and again my sense of sanity back. I’ve realized I’m much happier. I hope you’re well! ♥️
My DA is loving our stability stage or commitment stage i feel lost as to which one it is, but i know he is lllllloving it!❤️❤️😊😊 He hated our power struggle stage. He is quite secure now, and my AP tendencies have dwindled down to pretty much nothing with him! I actually feel the Most safe with him emotionally now, isn’t that something? 👀🧐🤔 P.s. every time I felt super duper hurt reactions to his actions or lack thereof, I subconsciously gravitated towards these vids on him for some reason! 👀🧐🤔 At one point I regretted meeting him and was pissed! Now I am soo happy that I met him (like in the beginning)! 😊😊❤️❤️🤩🤩
My DA basically tore me up for asking for a conversation after not communicating for TEN days... Because he wanted 2 weeks space. Then piled a load of stuff on top, and passed blame to me for those things. But that was all AFTER the "I'm breaking up with you" speech so I know its pretty irrelevant, as he had already made and vocalised his decision. Anything after that was just a bunch of excuses to justify it. I hadn't actually done anything wrong. He hasnt spoken to me in four months since then. I know he was struggling with processing his emotions, but he chose to take his space with his previous ex who then broke us up, telling him I was a threat to his emotional and mental health. (Agenda much???) She had messaged me to tell me she wanted me to find out who he was seeing because he was obviously in love with that person (not knowing it was me) and she wanted to break them up so he would come back to her. I told her there was no way I was going to do that, and she realised she had overplayed her hand, and that I would tell him, which would spoil her chances. I've been waiting patiently for him to work through it, in his own time. I hear their relationship is in trouble already; old toxic patterns, lies and manipulation are not the solid foundations of a relationship, and its what broke them up before. She's spent the last four months isolating him from his social circle, family and almost cost him his job too. Lucky for him, we work together and the boss is a very old family friend of mine, so he took my thoughts on board and didn't fire him. (Fourth time I have done this for him!) She did this to him last time they were together too, and on that occasion he didnt have me there to speak up for him so he did lose his job. He knows all this, but still goes back! I think what hurts the most is that we were close friends for 8 years prior to our relationship, and we had a deep bond. He said my home was the only place he felt safe and belonged. He forgot that though, while he was throwing me under the bus. Im hoping that given time, he will remember......
@@SK-no2pp Do you mean him or her? From the psychology I have studied in the past, I actually did wonder if he might have BPD, he certainly has enough of the traits, although I hesitate because he doesn't display them extremely enough, and I've known him for 8 years. I also know that those with BPD do display traits of DA attachment. She definitely has traits of ASPD and HPD. The isolation, manipulation and overt sexuality etc. She also thrives on drama.
Air Bubble I meant him. Yes you can have the traits and not be fully diagnosed. He seems like he’s a “quiet borderline.” They don’t have to be raging. But they have black and white thinking, and they emotionally dysregulate. People who have BPD unfortunately end up with people who display narcissistic traits. Honestly, she didn’t do anything to him. She’s not to blame. He’s a grown man that should and can make his own decisions. The fault and accountability lies with him. Leave him where he is at. He’s not worthy of your effort and energy if you’re being treated poorly. He’s going back to toxic familiarity. There’s nothing to rescue or fix.
I think it really depends where they are on the scale. Mine is and extreme DA. Not sure much will work with him. Almost feels like he is a lost cause. I know other DAs that are easy to deal with, but they are not this severely damaged. My heart is breaking for this guy, but I think I should save myself before he destroys me.
There’s so much hope ! I’m AA and my DA and I have healed so much together. It’s really me as the AA to lead the way through our healing. The more empowered my person becomes the more he steps up to take initiative when we have a hiccup. It’s so amazing to be where we are now ❤️
This is great to read and yes my experience too. The DA becomes more secure as you heal and become adept at being clear and calm in expressing your needs. Thais' husband was a DA and is now secure. It's possible.
@@jo4731 The DA only heals if they heal themselves. Otherwise you will just become codependent and lose yourself trying to adapt to their mercurial feelings. Your trying to adapt to this madness will only in the end, hasten them leaving and ghosting you.
OMG this, I had in incident when after an argument he kept coming in the room wanting to talk and for the first time I got so upset that I started crying so bad that I couldn't catch my breath.This explained the question I was having about this incident.
hi thais, i’ve been listening to your content religiously since i first found it about 4 months ago and it’s been very helpful to me because of how you can explain with great detail about attachment literature, i’ve learned faster from watching your videos than the pace i was at before finding your channel, but even then the one thing that still has me curious is how different combinations of the attachment styles work and wanted to ask if you could make a mini series on why the attachment styles pair with each other. i often read that when an anxious and an avoidant pair it is hard for them to separate and they call it the “anxious-avoidant trap” because they trigger each other’s insecurities and reconcile and go in a circle, could you explain why we do this on a subconscious level? why do we pair (and stay) with people who have have polarizing needs as us, why is it that we barely hear about anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant relationships but see a lot of anxious and avoidants pairing with each other?
Hi Ana..I was an AA. My partner is DA. Here’s what I have learned: We are not drawn to same/opposite attachment styles or any particular attachment style. We are drawn to patterns that we are familiar with. An AA grows up with a fear of abandonment. DAs’ deactivating strategies give AA similar fears. Likewise, DAs grow up with smothering. So they are attracted to very loving/pleasing/connection maintainers AAs.. DAs have a hidden need for understanding & acceptance. AAs over enthusiastically take interests in the people they love & are amazing givers.. but when it gets intense, DAs are prepared to respond to it- shutting down. In short, we want to have NOT WHAT WE NEED BUT WHAT WE BELIEVE we tend to receive, so get attracted to people who do that to us. AA thinks people abandon them-DA does pull away. DA thinks people are needy- AA, to ensure connection, does show up as demanding. To manifest a Secured person, you first have to become one. & believe that you are worthy of a healthy relationship. Hope this helps💛 good luck with your journey!!
You do this because of childhood wounds. If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Man people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. They finally want to be seen, heard and validated.
Twinflame Chaser i understand the reasoning for the anxious better now because of the fear of abandonment and a DA giving higher probabilities to abandoning but i still don’t understand why the DA stays with anxious? you mentioned it’s because the DA grew up with smothering but from what i have learned is that the reason why DA became DA’s was because they had emotionally absent or literally absent parents for most of the time which forced them to self soothe because there was no one to comfort them
B the Change i love that she makes daily videos but the bad thing about it is that here are too many for me to find what i’m looking for ): i was hoping someone would be able to briefly explain
Ana Rodriguez Hi Ana..no denials. That question (y the DA sticks with an AA) often hits me as well. By smothering I meant, they grew up with parents who controlled them, more likely rejected, shamed and guilted them for their feelings or like you said were literally absent, so could not show support when the child was seeking it.. Hence, yes DA were forced/compelled for self soothing👍🏻 with my experience, staying is a result of DA’s 'logical' assessment reflecting:- -AA’s ‘apparent’ efforts (*if 'consistently' put in by) to understand (precisely:not to misunderstand, then question them for) & meet DA’s needs; -AA’s acceptance for DA’s true self; and -AA speaking more practically & less emotionally, in 'no matter what' a 'warm gentle tone' ; -AA’s habit of 'clearly’ explaining the whys, whats & hows; and -AA’s readiness to not 'show' any worries about past or future by keeping things easy. & such points help DA to not feel or realise but ‘decide' that it is safe to be with AA.. AAs do need closeness more than any other style but under the assumed threat of abandonment, AAs mostly keep their partner before them and gradually, do whatever it takes to maintain the connection.For DA, AA is a comforting partner. So, they ‘thoughtfully' stick to them. That being said, it always comes down to values of a person. A high value guy or girl is sincere towards relationship..thus, takes chances. So does a high-value DA.. **I know that wasn’t as brief as you might have wanted. But any discussion here is insightful for me, so I get indulged. Good luck with ur journey 🧡
I've been on and off with a DA for a bit now and for the first time, we actually had a heated argument that we talked thru and finished. Typically I (FA) will have an emotional outburst around the 4 to 6 month mark, he gets defensive because I think he associates arguments with endings, then we both go silent.The difference between this time and the others is that after he went on the defense, I responded calmly and then ended it saying that I realize I'm all over the place sometimes, but just know it all comes from a place of love. He reached out the next day like nothing happened and all was good! I used to think he didn't care enough about me to try and make it work until I realized he's a DA and this is how he copes. I think him being reminded that I love him made him feel safe.
I was secure person first .. then came in relationship with DA with emotional unavailability .. accidentally opened up infront of him and disrespected him, because I was extremely pressured that I blasted on him… then boom 💥 After this major incident now I am feeling fear of opening up feelings infront of anyone and fear of expressing the feelings….. I am afraid if I would become FA!!!! Omg I want to go back to Secure person fast ….❤❤❤
this is so helpful as a DA I can't even explain. My fiance and I bicker all the time (like playfully that's just our dynamic and I love it), but there's a distinct difference if it's an actual serious disagreement. In this case I ALWAYS feel like this. Numb/resistant during, then very much needing space, then hours later texting or talking to him (usually apologizing/taking responsibility for something) and we work it out and forgive. But this would have saved me years of thinking I was like a sociopath or some kind of emotional retard lol. thank you!
@Richard Bicycle, thanks for this. It’s always nice to hear the perspective of self-aware DAs. As an FA leaning AA dating someone who is either DA or FA leaning DA, i’m curious what’s the longest you’ve taken to come back after an argument? Also, if you do begin talking after an argument, say by text for instance, but have yet to meet up with your partner in person to discuss things face-to-face, how long do you usually need before you feel ready for that? My partner and I are slowly reconnecting after an argument, and although my partner texted that we should just talk in person, and although I said I would give them space to decide when and where once they feel ready, it’s been a week and still my partner hasn’t decided on a specific time/place to meet up, despite them reaching out daily to text me about other unrelated things. I have, however, noticed that the needle is moving on our texts, and my partner seems to be unthawing from their numbness. Also, I give space for my partner To be the one who reaches out first daily. Just wondering how long I should self soothe and let them take the lead on when we see each other in person again… Or if I should use one of the recommended Scripps and ask them to share what they are experiencing at the moment.
For someone that is anxious, and pursuant getting triggered, and wanting to avoid it; being more pursuant does not seem like an ideal solution. If your emotional needs are not met then leave.
yeah all good but i am tired when i am trying to do the mature, calm talking, but they act like i am the bad guy all the time, and they´re the victim, when they hurt me just the same and they don´t even do something about it nor care. this is over for me.
As an infj, I just got to know that amazing concept which known as Fe-Ti loop, which is literally about pulling off, and freezing, where we be on a defense mechanism where we all just harshly judging the satitution, yet due to the extrovert feeling Fe function, we won't bother communicate our needs, to more like, oh we don't wanna share it, or it's not polite enough or I'm not allowed to Corunna my needs or any of the above. And BTW, it takes me months being pulled off and ignoring my partner, but just learning about those concepts and tryina educate myself is very helpful
I love my DA. He is the most amazing man i've ever met. And we are both moving to secure. And i love these videos. We both watch them. And we are both so committed. Sometimes i'm sad when i read all these comments about how awful DA's are. Because i have a lot of amazing DA's in my life.
I think it depends where they are on the scale. I know a DA who is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, and that’s still my opinion after knowing him for decades, but he is at the lower end. I also love and deeply care for an extreme DA, but I find his behaviour very hurtful.
i believe my bf is a DA... and im FA maybe with some secure aspects (both of us) but hes definitely mostly dismissive hes made me cry a few times because on top of his dismissive avoidant personality hes depressed and tends to snap sometimes without meaning to. but when i express my hurt sometimes he doesnt understand, the only time i got through to him was when i told him sometimes it felt like a friendship compared to a romantic relationship... i ended up word vomiting everything after bottling thjngs up and he ended up crying his eyes out realizing how isolated and neglected i felt because of how he treated the relationship. i think he mentioned something about appreciating the honesty and i was so bewildered lol i didnt expect him to cry, but i let him (he was turned away the whole timr and didnt want me to see him lmao). i believe thais said in one of her videos that they appreciate being told "how to love", since they feel like they cant do that properly. and as he explained himself i just got more bewildered, saying something along the lines of he never saw the point of emotional aspects while acknowledging that he knew i needed more emotional reassurance than he did. anyway idk where im going with this im just trying to figure him out 😂 i cant fathom thinking that way im such an emotional person and i care so deeply for people and helping them on their feet im like why whats the point of being so negative ?! rhough im currently going through therapy and helping unlearn my own negative bias its really hard for me to see the red flags but i appreciate him at least hearing me out and putting the effort kn asking how im doing.. it takes so much energy for me to be honest its terrifying but hes helping me be more honest with him. idk im rambling maybe im hoping im positively impacting him even if its just a little. we did hug afterward, he usually comforts me physically when im having a cry, so hes at lesst capable of doing thst, i cant imagine being with a DA who cant give me physical affection! either way this is such a huge learning experience for me after learning why i get attracted to DAs, im almost treating him like an experiment because of it but i truly care about him hes such a cutieeee pieeee and hes helped me increase my self esteem and im trying to do the same with him. thx thais for these videos you honestly are a genius with attachment styles im learning so much im obsessed lmfao it helps me take a step back and analyze what and why things upset me or make me happy! you are a gift
Yeah im 100 percent sure my ex was DA even tho he tested AP on the Attachment Project test. He complained i didnt understand him and that he felt judged. Well yes i have strong boundaries that i even expressed to him that i dont tolerate someone making plans with me and standing me up. So yes i will judge that behavior. You have to love yourself first. Also there was no apology and no accountability. Just turning it on me and deflecting blame. Maybe if he had apologized and this wasnt the 3rd time he had stood me up on plans he himself made, i wouldnt have left him.
Why enable dismissive avoidant behavior by staying in a relationship with them instead of working on becoming more secure ourselves and giving ourselves a chance to start anew with someone more secure?
This waiting and giving space time is so hard, I’ve giving people this time to think before and it felt like they only used it to convince themself of what they are fearing. I’m so scared of not being able to have a true conversation after two days of not being able to comfort them and show them that I’m here to work on things.
As a Fa I do all these things you mentioned but my da friend is not actually needing space she’s always ready to make it worse and accuse me for new things every time...the fact that Da’s think badly about their friend or partner makes it so hard to fix things with them..like I can make it fine and explain myself to her once or twice but i can’t do it forever!!!
I'm FA leaning DA and my bf DA and I would literally have a 3 sentence argument and it would feel explosive 😂 We both hate it and would take space apart. This feeling of "I think we've talked enough now for the next month" would come into my mind but usually around 4 or 5 days i start missing him again😂 Then it's usually a countdown to see who gives in first because neither likes feeling vulnerable😭
I have evolved into a more secure attachment style but it takes me a day or so To process what I want to say or how I feel about the issue and possible resolution.
It’s your job not to actively engage and try to be with someone who needs help. We cannot control anyone. We can only control our reactions, on our side of the fence. If someone is not meeting your needs and wants in a relationship, it’s time to walk away after you express yourself
DA male here. I'd say the best way is bringing up attachment styles, having him/her look into and have them go on their own journey. I don't think it works unless the person wants to put in the work and I think that applies to anyone in general.
@@KayWeezy thank you . Been married to my DA husband for 18 years and I only learned of our attachment style this year. Praying all this works and if it doesn't ,I need to walk away with my kids and do what's best.
What if they at first reject you, wanting to get out of the relationship, but then lean toward you, get physically closer after they’ve opened up with their struggles, and yet express that they do not believe that they can give you what you need? Even though, they cannot say what they believe is needed? Then agreeing to continue the relationship, but on a pause, because it can give them the space without actually ending everything. Might be pulling away because they do not feel they can give enough, be enough, even though you try to express by just being who they are is enough? Feels like sometimes validation needs to be repeated, over and over for us to understand and feel it. Like, pulling someone closer even though they reject, because you feel, really, that is what they deeply want you to do. Sometimes later on they express that it is actually what they wanted you to do in the first place. It is confusing indeed. Any thoughts on this?
They are showing you exactly who they are, which is broken, and asking if you still want to buy. We know something is wrong, just no idea what or how to fix. If you don't add your boundaries and let them know clearly ahead of time where they lie, you are going to run into issues where they expected you accepted them as they were and feel hurt/shame/betrayal. Male DA, btw.
Yes that's exactly what I am going through....after a year & a half of working together, him pursuing then retracting....then a year later making the move & for the last few months very slowly trying to accept/understand/not push, him saying "baby steps" not committing...not to mention how painful it is with prior arrangements with a female so called friend & the minute I ask for understanding/needs or validation of what's happening (which I have the right) he has now retracted/silent & saying that " all along he could go to another job" & always looking elsewhere, never settling in one place....I am an AP....I feel like all along he knew that he won't/can't commit...so why put someone through that, he always knew that I had feelings for him...its cruel!!! But clearly I have plenty of my own wounds still....triggered! .My fault I guess for trying/believing/addapting/accepting to fix/make/wanting it to work at my own painful expense....Now what??
@@pure-pisces4512 Sounds awful.. well, I discovered that it might not be about Dismissive Avoidant types at all, there's a fine line between Narcissism and Dismissive, so be careful about that. Mine definetly turned out to be a Narcissist, not a Dismissive avoidant.
@@seapeajones Thankyou, I have tried to do this, tried asking for a bit of clarity, me accepting his ways (trying) but seems my AA ways has scared him off, it's so hard working together & having history, I've tried so hard & saw that it was being reciprocated to the best of his ability & now he's looking for another job when I thought that we were working slowly towards something....I'm devasted & all of the core words have come back " My fault, I'm to needy, not good enough etc etc, I feel so abandoned!!!
@@Noname-wl1bz Thankyou, I did consider that, but he seems different than a narc, maybe selfish yes. ..but who would know these days!! & what is the fine line though?? After several discussions & being told that he doesn't want a relationship but "CONNECTION" wtf....is so confusing, sick of feeling a FOOL & unworthy.... being an AP, is so painful!!
So how much space does a DA need? As an AA, it’s really hard to give them space but I know that’s what they need. I told them to reach out when they’re ready but every second that passes by is killing me.
I think she started by learning about herself as an FA . We ALL desire successful relationships. She took it to the mext level. Learning also about the ppl in her own life. Its not work if you love what you do. I believe this is her first motivation. Being her best self.
Hi, I'm just very confused on my attachment needs, I can get anxious if I dont hear from a partner but also being trapped and overwhelmed by another's feelings and needs. Relationships are really difficult for me to navigate. I'm very emotional, hate confrontation although if I feel safe and will be heard then will state my feelings. When I check attachment tests I fall in DA / FA .
That is 100% me too. I care a lot and will adjust and I won’t blame others for conflict but I get very overwhelmed where I want to help my partner but am so overwhelmed. I self-soothe and am fine on my own but I want to be a good partner too which involves communication. It’s hard. I think voicing these things with your partner helps. We are all a little crazy and if we can help ourselves by being accountable and appropriately doing the work and give our partner insight we can be more secure. ❤️
At 10:09 you say the last thing a DA wants is to hug and be held at the end of an argument. I agree 1000% but what do I do when all my bf wants to do it hug and hold on to me and all I want to do is escape?
No securely attached person should date them because clearly, There's only room for the DAs needs. I dated one for a few months without knowing about attachment styles but my gut told me that I'd have to choose between her and me own mental health, so i left. Looking back it really turns out that i dodged a bullet here and I'd suggest avoiding them (pun) as soon as you see the signs. Nobody deserves to be in such an emotionally empty non-relationship.
The avoidants are not prince/princesses of any kingdom. These people need honesty and accountability and some serious retrospection of their behavior and not be delusional. We can't be empath always. Its exhausting. These people need to just express thats all and not shut themselves up. Stop thinking them as a victim.
I love how you said that you can tell them the space makes you anxious and then express that you would like to have a healthy conversation when they're ready. My issue is, I've tried this in the past and they didn't respond to it at all. Not even a "sure, when I'm ready, we can talk." Just radio silence. What do you suggest to do if this happens?
So my ex doesn't say those words yet he shows up for the same level of relationship yet refuses to say one affectionate word. So he thinks we can be friends after all of that, having my companionship and whatever benefit and validation from my attention giving nothing in return. I am curious wth that's about but not enough to ask him. I'd be interested in such a video.
Yes! I would love to see a video on this subject too . I am in NC now , (6 months) I had to walk because I was getting nothing back from this man and when I did inform him I was moving on his response was to laugh . I haven't heard a word and I was involved with him for 5 years! It's unbelievable how they just shut down point blank. I was gentle with him saying you need to go find you girl I love ya but im over it and he laughed? Help us understand why girl. ❤
Shannon D Ask yourself why you want someone who gave you nothing? And laughed? It’s hard for me to believe that he’s only dismissive. He must have other traits as well. He sounds like he has more than just simple avoidant issues. He sounds childish. You can’t be in a healthy relationship and constantly walk on eggshells, not be able to express your feelings, and never feel seen or heard. We can never ever “fix” someone or heal someone. At best you can hold space for them (which it seems like you’ve done). I hope you find a partner that loves you and supports you. Treats you with respect and kindness. Good on you for finding the courage to finally break free. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.
Personal Development School - Thais Gibson : Thank you. I think it is essential as the intrinsic problem is do we start a relationship knowing they are dismissive...many of us believe we can change them, they will change themself, or if we become more secure that it could work out...so often the general advice is “don’t get involved” or “leave”when they hurt you or my therapist said “date as many people as possible and move on if you can’t love them for their flaws too or leave if/when you set a boundary and they don’t respect it/ you state what you need and they say they are unwilling to meet that”...but what does an expert on attachment think? If you want to go into more detail... “When do we start and end with a dismissive avoidant.” As they can be toxic...the anxious can easily be calmed with words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time...they are not perfect as they act out on occasion too but it comes from a less toxic place then the dismissive avoidant in my opinion. The fearful avoidant I only encountered once and they ended things when I put in too little effort in their opinion yet they asked for space/casual at the start. Being anxious I can still understand them better then the dismissive avoidant.
As an AA, I am now painfully aware about the AA-DA dynamic. I am accepting responsibility that I expected many unmet childhood needs to be met through others who struggle with their own core wounds. I no longer want to feel like a victim, so I commit to my own healing journey. The pain has been a great teacher. My goal is self-compassion and compassion for others. We are all worthy of healing.
Exactly where I am.Much love and healing!
@@marcelatalmazan4271 me too 😔
❤️❤️❤️
Best Response so far Award!! TakingOwnership + Recognizing our Role in the Victim-Aggressor (Passive) … & how to change yr response
Respect for you that realized there was another way instead of being stubborn and walling people
Wow, this is so clarifying. As an FA that was leaning secure before meeting the DA ex, regressed as a result of the relationship, and is now healing by attachment style, I wouldn't deal with a DA again for all the money in the world. Disappearing whenever there's an issue to resolve feels like emotional blackmail. Every time he didn't get his way he held the whole relationship hostage. It was so bad he couldn't even bring himself to show up at my birthday celebration and sulked the whole time. It was just like all my past relationships with narcissists only by a different name, because their various deactivating and protest behaviors feel exactly like the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Furthermore, I understand it's not a DA's fault their emotional bandwidth is smaller, but why would I want to be in a relationship with a person that is literally incapable of relating to me with the same depth of connection? There's no fulfilment possible in that.
You want to be with a DA, because you guys are complementary. People hate that the DA is rigid, and they love that the DA is stable. DAs don't like the impulsivity of an AP for example, but they love the colorful life they get in return. Ah yes, the trauma bonding ^^
Wonderful video. But the more work I do, the more I wonder why I even put myself through a DA. I over accommodated a person who refused to make the smallest effort while sitting here overthinking on how to meet their needs. I am going through so much anger at myself for the disrespect I showed myself chasing and coddling the DA. I have no hate in my heart and I believe the DA people of the world deserve love. But this video is just another example of a possible very 1 sided future if I entertain this. Me doing all of this and they can't even keep the promise of saying "I need a little space". Just cruelty, withdrawal, just senseless affliction of emotional pain just for a half assed, non informative "I'm sorry" text at best.
I'm suddenly just.. done. Hello from day 2.5 of no contact.
Elle I''m sorry to hear your pain. Please be gentle with yourself, you are trying and you are learning along this journey. Yes, if you have done work on yourself and your partner is absolutely unwilling to budge on anything than you have to make a choice between your happiness or theirs. Please keep doing the inner work and giving yourself credit for doing so. The better we treat ourselves, the healthier relationships we will attract to our lives- PDS team member
@Elle B yes they deserve love from their mom and dad! They want none from a partner!
You are wonderful soul, please remember that! You did all these things because you truly believed you can help. Unfortunately, often it’s impossible to help DAs. It doesn’t mean they are bad people. But they need to acknowledge the problem which they rarely do.. on the other hand, the question “why did I stick to that person” is a good one and can help you to face your wounds and inner child. At least I have experienced intense inner growth. And I am thankful for that. But I hope life will never bring me to any other DA :)
Dear Elle B...
I can so relate of what you are going through and I am in a quite same relationship with a DA and we have had last night again a heavy argument...I admire that you are growing... I am just suffering
I had an car accident last night and he wasn't in the car but came then...
He wasn't able to hug me or be beside me.. I had to beg him to hug me... I felt shock and pathetic...all at the same time
I am starting to get angry because he is the important one in this, his needs are important, especially the sexual ones and he does the rules
I have learnt so much here and I understand much more than before the "why's"
But I am doing all the work and he is just taking...I feel like an empty jar
The key is always communicate, and set your boundaries. If anyone, regardless of attachment type, consistently refuses to work, communicate, or ignores your boundaries, it's unhealthy, plain and simple.
Yup and that's going to guarantee you kick your DA to the curb.
@@marcd2743Good. If you’re afraid of communicating then grow up, otherwise your relationships will remain fake and superficial.
THIS
yerp
I’m divorcing my DA husband. He was always insensitive, likes to pick fault on me, gave me silent treatment, hot and cold, etc. I was going through a rough time in my personal life, and during a trip out of tiredness I complained abit about my life. He took it as a personal attack. No matter how many times I apologized, he hang up on me and wanted a divorce. He left me alone in a foreign country and bought a ticket home himself the next day. Wtf. He doesn’t give a shit about my feelings, and I have to always be extremely careful taking care of his, no matter how unpleasant he is, I have to hold my anger. Eventually I blew up and I slapped him. He called me “crazy ex-wife”. I’ve never been violent with anyone my whole life. But the extreme sadness, frustration, and anger I experienced was real. I never want to feel that way again. If you are with a DA, no matter how seemingly lovable he/she is, and how noble you are that you want to “heal” them, honestly it’s very one-sided and your needs are hardly met. We all live once on this earth, and we deserve to take care of ourselves instead of devoting all that time getting hurt over and over again trying to “save” a DA.
Fiona heat he sounds like he has more than just simple avoidant issues. He sounds extremely selfish and childish. You can’t be in a healthy marriage and constantly walk on eggshells, not be able to express your feelings, and never feel seen or heard. We can never ever “fix” someone or heal someone. At best you can hold space for them (which it seems like you’ve done). I hope you find a partner that loves you and supports you. Treats you with respect and kindness. Good on you for finding the courage to finally break free. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.
There are 2 sides to every story. I am pretty sure if we asked him about the way you "summarized" the marriage, he will disagree. You, however, are stating this as fact and looking for sympathy and not realizing you are trying to distort reality to be solely based on your perception. Perhaps you shouldn't go and get married if you don't understand such basic human psychology.
BGivo I don’t wish anyone to be in my situation. And I feel sorry for anyone he will date afterwards. There is no other side of the story. If your wife is feeling sick and ask you to walk slowly, would you do it? Mine wouldn’t. He just said he walks fast. Plain and simple. And that’s just one of the many occasions where I felt extremely frustrated with him
@@BGivo Dammn!! You must be a DA absolutely no Empathy. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sounds like a narcissist more than a DA
1.space (sooth themselves)
2.they want to feel understood and heard
(They need to feel like you want to understand them) be gentle
3.respect their physical space
4.willingness to take responsibility for your own part.
They want to be understood but they are not willing to speak up. That’s the difficulty. They want to be understood and accepted without verbal sharing because verbal sharing triggers shame and potentially conflict if you don’t accept them. It’s tricky and apparently no exit situation to be in and all alone, like a trap you put yourself into. Most of the times after you show your true willingness to understand and support them they will play it like they are good and nothing happens keeping undercover even if something truly going on. But they will remember your intentions and questions about them with pinch of doubts (does she/he ask it because she really care or just for sake of politeness and cuz this is what good ppl should do? May be she/he needs something from me, I better shrug it off with jokes and watch them) They will remember, and only if you stay consistent and show no signs of manipulation (I ask how are you, why don’t you??) drama (why do you never open up to me, we are friends??) and don’t give up moving on with your life, what probably any healthy person would do after staying long trying to get close with no reciprocating. (In this case avoidant would think smth like “see? I knew she/he asked that questions about me out of politeness, she/he don’t care about me truly) only then avoidant person after hella huge amount of time will let you in their life as their trust person. With high chance they will love you deeply but keep you as a friend because it’s safe proximity not to lose you and be close, but therefore they most likely will choose as romantic partner someone they won’t feel fear to get together (no fear cuz no strong feelings, not sorry to break up with) but they will know that they always have you as a friend they love and who accept and understand them. Pure struggle.
Thought response may differ by person, but I wrote it as a learned healthy attacher, avoidant in past, still in triggering situations I have those avoiding thoughts coming in, I just learned how to confront them in my head.
What The Dismissive Avoidant Needs After An Argument
They want to be understood but they don’t bother to understand you and they never take any respo. It’s always the other person’s fault.
I finally had it with my ex DA the other day. I gave her one final chance and she kept on refusing to accept accountability for her faults and actions. Everything wrong in the relationship was my fault.
Anxious attachers want all those things too
As an anxious preoccupied with a DA partner, I can really agree with you having a need to have verbal validation. Since I ve checked up on in this channel, I told him everything Ive learned regarding the reasons for our attachment style and how best to cope up with it. I asked him once if he could be willing to work with me to both reach the secure attachment style, by slowly changing small attitudes each day especially during arguments, he said yes because he told me that ever since I came to his life, life becomes more wondeful compared to the bad life he was having before me. I dont expect him to be so perfect all the time, I feel great already with little progress no matter how painful sometimes to wait when he needs time. I turn my attention instead to fixing my own core wounds. So when he comes back, im ready as well.
How are things going with you two now?
@@HustleHabit hopefully it worked out between them! This is a story that’s been told 100 times before, and in a lot of cases it doesn’t work out, although both people are then given the chance to grow and learn from their mistakes which is quite difficult to do IN the relationship!
If you’re asking ‘for a friend’ or just genuinely curious for the well-being of this person, I wouldn’t be able to know. But if you’re looking for some validation or a success story to feel more confident that things will work out, then I would tell you that there are 100s of times this story has been told and it has worked out! Just assessing how you’re feeling, whether or not you’re willing to work on yourself, your partner is willing to work on themselves, and little efforts are made and acknowledged by both ends, then there is progress. If you can point to something tangible, and the bad times don’t overwhelm the good, it will work :)
@@LazySnorlax543 I guess I'm just curious what "worked out" looks like...
Nice! ❤🎉👍
Oh Hi everyone! I think replies about this matter is kind of important to share with others. We decided to end our 5 year relationship because even though we love each other, the fights made us both very unhappy people, and sadly we ended up hating each other in the end. He cheated on me while Im working here in UK. If he treats you badly while youre together how much more with a distance.
I guess my lesson on this attachment style problem, isnt how good we can keep up with other peoples attachment style. The goal for me now is to reach that secured attachment style and finally meet a man like that. Til now Im still meeting avoidant guys and thats the people I attract. I think If Ill just love myself more, like be the right person for myself then Ill be able to attract someone who can be the right person for me. I dont think we are all weak for being in this situation, we just picked up the wrong battle to fight instead of self love. And the amount of happiness and freedom after thay break up. My God I glow up andd got sexier haha Im telling you guyss the happiness andd peace youre gonna get after you decided to let go, you wont feel like youre carrying the world anymore. Lifes great again ❤
I'm just lying here crying as I realize how desperate I was to be seen and heard. Instead I got left. I spent years trying to be understanding, empathetic and having compassion but the same was not afforded to me. I miss my wife everyday.
You dont miss her hon, you miss yourself.❤
@Idontfeellikedancing a year later and I can honestly say you were 100% correct. I've done so much work on me and finally I'm free. Freer than I've ever been in my life with healthy communication all around me.
This has really helped me understand why I go mute during stressful times. It is really frustrating to me that it takes me such a long time to know and understand my emotions.
I wouldn't like to be in the skin of a dismissive-avoidant individual. And we have to understand and try to imagine them as babies, how scary it was for them to be all the time with the fight-or-flight response active. However, I would say, and because even secure individuals can have relationships with dismissive avoidants partners, we have to stand up for ourselves and be emotional warriors. Arguments provide the necessary structure for growth and mutual understanding. So if after the first argument they decide to leave, and leave out of blue, let them go, and love yourself.
Have a good day, Thais! :)
thanks for your comment - PDS team member
Dear Alexandra, it would be helpfull if they could try to understand their own dynamic in relationships and find their way to therapists who are more like Thais..love from Holland 🙏🌷
@@vanteylingenbrickfilms2427 I agree 100% with you! But unfortunately, the reality is different, and it is a shock for me because the full theory was published by Bowlby between 1969 and 1982. Of course, academic psychologists, and even the psychoanalytic community ostracised him. But his work together with Freud teaches us so much about human behavior and relationships.
Love from Portugal ;)
They are not in fight or flight mode that's the anxious, fight or flight is an intense emotion, they don't have any so they switch off, that's why when they leave they don't feel much. Anxious people are the ones who feel like they are being chased by a bear and they feel sick can't eat, if avoidants were capable of feeling these emotions they wouldn't leave.
It's like flat line in an operating theatre the needle doesn't move.
They are not going up and down like a regular heart beat.
There capacity for feeling is very low they just know they need to switch off they don't really feel anxiety much. X
@@Miriam-ul4ke Actually DA's have a low level fight or flight going on in the background for most of the day. but it's like a 2 or 3 out of 10. So it's not an all out emotional fight or flight it's low level anxiety but sometimes don't even realize it. This is because lack of connection with parent there was anxiety around safety. Like when they cried out and their caregiver wasn't attuning to them and giving them what they needed, this was the equivalent of thinking their survival was at stake and it was very scary.
I believe if we commit to this journey of self compassion, we can lead by example. Shying away from our inner child, abandoning ourselves, these are things we are the only ones to blame. I see a lot of people here so shocked and mad, frustrated they've wasted their time. I think perhaps this is the best opportunity we've been given to force ourselves heal internally, for real. I'm choosing to see my AA-DA dynamic as a learning experience.
In other words, if you learn how to communicate with them, adapt and ignore your needs to accommodate them, learn this “new” language for them…..and do the work of
two people--the only reward is feeding the illusion that you’re in a relationship. 🤣. Turned in the towel two
Weeks ago. Love is supposed to be your safe space, not your battles.
Your comparison of DAs emotional processing and the process of communicating in a new language is brilliant. I taught myself German and I understand very well the shutting down, the needing space and time, the inability to formulate thoughts, the embarrassment and fear, etc. Brava Thais!!
OMG my relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.
They dont apologize
I’m really sorry for your pain. I know all too well how this feels and it is heartbreaking. I wish I had better words to offer but I really do feel your pain. I’m going through it and the selfishness is mind blowing.
Similar for me too. I was not able to have some of my needs met by other person. And a conversation on that never became a conversation. It was one of those things that spiral outta control and my reactions are what is now importan not the original concern.
They are completely selfish.
Sounds like narc tendencies. My DA often does this in an attempt to show reasons why he is behaving in the way he is. But, if I text him with my perspective and give him time to think on it, I will see an almost immediate change on behavior on his part to accommodate my needs. I can tell he cares and wants me to be happy. It is just horribly difficult for him to communicate about it face to face.
You are a God send young lady! There may be some hope after all. I appreciate your videos immensely. Thank you!
I'm beginning to think he has narcissistic traits as well, an extreme fear of rejection. Only when I used to put myself down to an extreme extent, he was willing to listen - not interact or talk, but listen. Nothing, nothing ever came from him. Unreal.
Oooooh I know exactly how you feel
Sadly I understand this feeling too hard
I (FA) need hugs after an argument and my DA would look at me as though repulsed by the idea of touching me and would even ask me why I thought he would want to hug me...so painful.
Yes, been there, so so painful
@@JadeNichelle Me too but in my case he left saying he won't talk to me anymore, after I said I can say what I want in my own house (he got angry and annoted bc I talked about my traumatic experience, he said it made him feel bad and that he didn't want to invest in this, so cold and this was after a romantic evening full of kisses abd hugs and he said 'you are so sweet'.
He suddenly exploded. We only dated one month but I keep crying bc of his words and I keep hearing his hurtful words in my mind . Finally I fell for a man but.. If he has no empathy or respect for my feelings what's the point.
I'm constantly hoping for his message and then getting confused, thinking: what if he misses me too and I have to make a mature attempt but that's crazy bc he cutted it off without wanting to close the gap. I wished I didn't tell him anything about my traumatic experience.
That last evening qhen we left the restaurant he said he remembered how we walked there hand in hand on our first date. So it means he did feel for me.
Then his cold words hit me again and I know he is gone.
I have my pride but for now it's gone...I feel no motivation to sport etc and I don't want another man this may take a while 😑
His last text was an insult and chances are it's just another manipulator but I'm zo confused, wondering if I messed up but even if ...
I was being myself sharing a story and he was so annoyed.
I'm open to reflect and apologize make it up but he just yelled at me leaving me crying on mt couch. Well...his last 3 words were 4 days ago.
I will delete his number when I'm ready:(
I think they need to be told everything
I think DAs are absolutely the most difficult and most toxic people to have a relationship with. Mixed in with the dysfunction is a profound degree of narcissism, self-centeredness, emotional and intimacy starvation, and overall lack of empathy. I say, walk away as soon as possible. Don’t wait until they hook you.
I have intuitively tried some of these things already and I think they don't work in real life because at least my DA hated talking after a fight altogether. He wasn't persuaded by logically trying to look at the situation to create a better relationship or the idea of being a team. He just wanted to be done with the topic. So I think what is described here is a conversation with sb. who has already started doing the work. Otherwise it's not possible.
Mine too.
And I don't understand why 2 people cannot talk about thier problems. If afgans and talibanes can come to a dialogue why we aren't.
😂😂. I just feel sadness or inability to move them towards secure attachment at the same time.
Mine said "communication is overrated". A divorce and an ex-common law partner later, and in his 40s you'd think he would question the efficacy of his approach. It's also a bit of an overlap with a narcissist I find, when DAs do this, because they are punishing with silence or withdrawal of affection or reassurance. After a disagreement I always make sure to let him know that he is loved and that it'll be okay as far as I'm concerned. He never does this. 3 years overall.
I'm a DA and when i get into an argument i stop all communication I get really comfortable without talking and i can do it for long periods at a time....I'm very vindictive with it too at some point I'm going to dish out revenge. And the thing is even tho i let go and we speak again automatically i distance myself emotionally so over time the coldness comes forward n the little warmth Emotionally receeds....its like chipping at ice it gets smaller......but I'm know both my good and bad side so relationships are not for me.
I agree my DA definitely cannot bring himself to say sorry even discuss how things can be put right which leaves this huge void which is never dealt with. Makes my cry.
@@chezchisholm9776 i can say sorry and apologize but i don't mean any of it or feel sorry i say because I evaluated myself or self reflected and logical thought out that i can be wrong.
I'm starting to think my DA boyfriend is more secure than I first thought five months ago. I lean secure but can be easily pushed into being AA or FA depending on the situation. We text every day and he has never needed more than 24 hours to start talking to me after a conflict. I've had to really work hard to set good boundaries and we've had some significant obstacles to overcome learning to trust each other. I'm getting ready to move to his city in 3 weeks which is exciting and scary at the same time.
Very curious about how that turned out?
Good luck! Hope it went well
What did your boundries look like? Will you give an example please? Thanks
Sometimes the comments on DA videos feel discouraging. The videos are wonderful, and are prolly the best resources for Avoidants.
Many of us were very hurt growing up, now that we're older, realizing how attachment styles affect our relationships. We're trying to heal and grow just like the rest of you
This is what I have been looking for. So many articles don’t properly address this. Thank you so much, this was so helpful.
I'm sorry, but I won't be coddling or enabling a DA. They are emotionally abusive. They need therapy, not coddling or a relationship. To hell with them.
#facts
This.
Worse than narcs this creatures.😂
What if DA never bounces back? You said in extreme cases it might take 4 days, my DA never gets back to me after an argument. I'm so tired of being the instigator always.
My DA boyfriend took 3 days after an argument that he initiated. He never told me he needed it he just stopped communicating by text and phone. I took Thais advice and told him I understood he needed space but we also needed to get to the root of the problem and to call me when he’s ready. It took him three days . He first texted me on the morning of the fourth day. When I didn’t respond immediately as usual he went into victim mode and said I moved on and was seeing someone else. I think he’s a DA that leans FA and also AA. He’s always scared I’m going to leave and that I’m cheating. He recently accused me of cheating because of a picture I posted at night with a caption that I was having a good time with company. He wouldn’t call me at all for no apparent reason but as soon as this picture was posted he called and guess what I ignored him because I was busy. He thinks my life and energy had to revolve around him.
@@cordeaniaknox4158 This person does not sound DA, but they do sound avoidant.
Any update? I’m on week 2 of no contact.
I really find your videos helpful and interesting. I used to be in a relationship with a DA but after trying different advice unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. I still however find your videos real eye openers and it's even got me interest in psychology! You are both beautiful and interesting so thank you once again! Xx
Helpful video!:) I would love to hear more about DA's and their problems giving emotional support for their partner. IN your other videos FA are encouraged to express their needs and be vulnerable, but whenever I do that, my DA partner is not being emotionally supportive at all, and answers in a very rational way not giving any emotional support. It makes me thinkk that expressing needs and being vulnerable does not really help because he has no capability in being supportive and attending those needs, sees my vulnerabilities as weaknesses. It would be great if you could make a video for people who are not good in giving emotional support but want to learn:)
He might be autistic. Look into it! I learned about it when I thought the DA I dated was avoidant well it turns out he’s on the autism spectrum too.
Very accurate..DA female here and I really need space after a fight or argument to process my thoughts and feelings..I also need to step back from the situation and detach from the emotions I’m feeling at the time of the fight/argument in order to not react based on what I’m feeling but to be able to think logically about things.
It's okay to react based on what you are feeling and not try to think yourself out of feeling negative emotions.
It's okay to feel your feelings 100%
I love the way you explain everything so eloquently. ❤
Thank you for your message! Glad to hear the content is resonating with you!
This video is excellent. Thank you.
I think my DA feels more secure with me, I naturally do a lot of these things, and when I do it successfully, he immediately calms and comes close to me… but I’ve definitely messed up too several times and the consequences are that he takes lots and lots of space. Hopefully I’m at a mental place now where I can do a better job. I know he loves me and I know we’re soulmates and I know we can do this together. And I can be patient and nourish myself when he needs time.
This seems to happen even after a vulnerable conversation that was by no means an argument.
Yep, they haven't spoken to me in over 2 months
I am so grateful for your videos! My relationships are so much healthier because of your channel. I can’t afford your program but I would definitely take it if I could! Thank you so much for your videos 💚🙏🏽✨
Girl... you’re the bomb! Love your content. It has been extremely helpful ❤️
You really are phenomenal at this. Another great video
This is exactly me, everything she says about DAs is spot on. Its helped me a lot to process my understanding of my own personality
My DA emotionally seems to not be able to meet my emotional needs. He seems to half try and then gives up or gets frustrated because he doesn't understand what I am feeling. He meets other needs just not my emotional needs most of the time. It's like he is 100% all about his needs. I am an FA so I understand I am not easy to love however, when asking to have a healthy conversation I am met with my DA taking everything personal and getting very angry. I have used a script and it got me no place with my DA. It just gave him an excuse to put off the conversation for another time. Meanwhile, we never address anything at all. We literally go in circles and I get hurt and frustrated pull back and consider whether I even want to say in my marriage because I feel so unheard, unseen, and unimportant to my DA. How can I help him talk about his feelings ? He doesn't after 22 years say what he loves about me and wants from me. He says very shallow things like "you care about people", that's why I am loved and wanted because SOMEONE will always care about you??? That doesn't feel like I am loved at all or like my spouse even knows me at all. Who do I fix this? Go back to ignoring him that seems counter productive to me
22 years that’s a long time wow, perhaps he thinks providing for you is showing love, my father was like that and I felt loved by him because he shared his resources and did acts of kindness for me, he could never do the emotional stuff
Thais, what to do if a DA just refuses any kind of communication whatsoever?? Like literally you can't even discuss the space thing with them, they just stop talking after an argument. I have suggested in the past that we at some point we get back to talk about things constructively, or he could say: I just need space but I will be back and then we can talk. - NONE of this is happening. He will literally not say a single word. He'll just stop speaking. It's unbearable, and the partner is just supposed to take this...? It's not possible. My ex DA was never ever willing to work on things, everything was perceived as criticism or an attack, no matter how patient and supportive I was. What can be done in such extreme cases?
Nothing. Have self respect. This is a DA that is unwilling to compromise or do the work. How do you think you would have a healthy relationship dynamic here if he just shuts down, and doesn’t discuss issues. All relationships have little roadblocks or issues that both partners can address in an open manner. It’s not possible with a DA who doesn’t see anything wrong or simply stops talking. His wounds and maladaptive defenses are not yours to cure or fix. We can’t change someone, just ourselves. Remember, what you permit, you promote.
I was in a similar situation to yours and finally saw how awful it was. When you heal inside and do your own work- you’ll realize the DA isn’t meeting your needs and wants in a relationship.
Bitterkind yes best to walk away. You don’t want to contract DORMATITIS aka being a doormat and walking on eggshells in fear of what the DA will do or say. Have your own boundaries
@@SK-no2pp 🤣🤣" dormatitis"
B the Change thank you, haha. Be well
Find out why you keep attracting this type of person and change.
Amazing! Alsot hats off to the video and sound quality!
Thank you Jenna! we're striving for continuous improvement - PDS team member
im so glad I found your channel. thank you for your help, and thank you for being non-judgmental in what you do. i just think you're amazing!!
Can you please talk about DAs and deactivating and trying to numb out their feelings so bad that they might be doing addictive stuff like drinking or drugs or smoking pot. What is the partner supposed to do then?
They are unaware of all these psychological things. I feel like they have gone down a self sabotaging cycle, like he was amazing in the first months but mentioned that once I get to know him better, I’ll realize what a horrible person he is. But in the past 2 months he’s been getting worse and worse. He kept telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, but he keeps self sabotaging dates, and everything to the point where I don’t want to talk to him anymore. But I’m worried that he’s really unwell.
DAs need divine intervention.
Thank you for your work. Your channel and content have changed my life. I’m signed up for the Personal Development School and can’t wait to dive deeper. Thank you!
The "why bother?" thing hit me very hard. My DA ex has said that MANY times, and it takes the pain I'm already feeling from the argument and COMPOUNDS it!
We were together for 7 years the first time; had a 4 year split; got back together in 2017 and recently split again in May, due to him having an emotional affair with my niece. All the things he said to her, I wanted & NEEDED to hear from him. I was once on the receiving end of his affections. The closer he got to her, the more distant he was with me. This went on for 2 months before I found out, and it would've gotten to a physical level if it had gone on any longer. He tried SO hard! He threw say 19 years total for a fu****g GAMBLE... with OUR niece... we were basically married! We lived like a married couple, we just didn't have the legal piece of paper. It's sick! What's even more sick is that I can't let him completely go. I was his ride or die, and he was ONCE mine. In my older years, I've calmed my anxious behaviors and was very interested in learning him, but he just wouldn't open up to me and it ended up in a fight almost every time. I tried. I really tried. Some DA's just won't lower their walls (until you're broken up). I just don't get them. At least my DA.
He sounds like a narcissist. I hope you find someone way better
@Sarajb517 That's very sweet of you. You know, what's funny... my counselor used that word "narcissist." I've never seen him that way, but this makes three people (my sister included; the mother of said niece) who have said that. We're actually still seeing each other, just not living together. If the roles were flipped, I'd do everything in my power to get forgiveness & gain the trust back. He's barely shown remorse or interest in getting back together... he actually cuts me off for days when I piss him off! But, he won't actually let me go or tell me he doesn't want this. I've begged, even if it's a no, I'd still be set free with an answer. I DESPISE this limbo. I know I shouldn't put up with this. I know it makes me weak & disgusting, but it's SO hard to let go of almost 20 years of being attached at the hip, and thinking I was his ride-or-die as he is mine. He will say he wants us, but he doesn't show it. I've wondered if I'm expecting too much with all these grand gestures I want him to make. I feel he's done something damn near unforgivable. He met her when she was 13. We we more like sisters. It sickens me to think he may have been interested before. I'm in a dark place, and in a war with my head & heart. I do believe we can get past this, as we have overcome deep issues before. Never this deep, but I was the one he did it to, and I'm the one who feels moving forward with him is possible, so I think he should let that count for something. He worries we won't get past it, so "why bother?"
Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had a better outcome, but this only happened in May, so I'm still reeling from it. It shook my entire world, right down to my soul. I'm so careful. I ask questions. How could I let this happen? Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. I'm an introvert with no close friends, so I apologize if I'm too wordy. You're sweet for taking YOUR time to read a stranger's story and comment on it. Much less, make any wishes for them, so that shows me you're a very kind hearted person. Thank you.
@Mileys_choice Your need to run and figure out why your self esteem is so low that anyone having sexual conversations with your niece is in your life. I'm praying for you and telling you this but you already know. God, he will never and doesn't respect you. It's apparent. Run and watch God send you better. He knows your niece is his niece, I could only imagine 😢
Oh boi I feel convicted 😮 but this is shedding light thank you
i expressed and showed i cared for him, he said he didn´t want to be responsible for my needs at all and didn´t reach out to me for 2 days now, we will see. I think with some people there is nothing to make them feel ok, they just don´t want to communicate at all and expect you to accept their emotional abuse
As someone with almost being secure but some avoidant and also anxious tendemcies , i recently had an argument with a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive friend. It has been challenging cause at the same time i want to share compassion i was busy standing up for myself cause he was in trigger mode of just accusing me.
After a few hours i wrote a text where i said that im not happy how the argument went still i will take responsibility for my part that it wont go the same way again becsuse i respect our differences and i see those boundaries needed. Therefore i behaved the best way i could in the moment and tried to stand up for myself, as well i think he did the same too. I also wrote i am aware we didnt intend to hurt or upset each other, even if we did hurt or upset in the situation. I wrote that i dont want to let stand defiance in the way so there is no bad blood from my side.
There might miss the compassion part but i guess thats something i would like to say in person. Still i think things (also in friendships) are just working if both sides take acccountability and reflect themselves,right ?
My boyfriend is a DA and broke up with me almost two weeks ago. I haven’t spoken with him since. So he’s probably extreme..way more than 4 days. I’m seeking resolution but he has totally shut down and his reasoning for breaking up makes no sense. We were about to move in together and he has walked away without saying a word. Needless to say I’m hurt and confused. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 10 years so it isn’t as if we aren’t familiar....I’m just sitting still and learning to manage how I’m feeling.
sounds like maybe he got scared about the moving in. After a break up, give a DA about 6 weeks of space. thats typically what they need to come around again. Try not to pressure him. Its so hard but focus on yourself and trust he will come around.
A really similar thing happened to me. 2.5 years together and about to move in, we both go on trips home to see family and supposed to reunite and move in, he calls me out of the blue and tells me nevermind, like a robot, no emotion, as if I didn’t even know him. I feel your pain Dawn, you’re not alone. It’s not you, you are lovable and deserving to be met in partnership. There are others out there who don’t have this kind of behavior in their nature and we need to remember that it’s not our fault.
*hugs*
@@ashleycarucci thank you for sharing! I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s definitely emotionally taxing. My ex never called and never entered my life again. I’m actually doing fine and took a lot of time to regroup and again my sense of sanity back. I’ve realized I’m much happier. I hope you’re well! ♥️
Dawn Morgan I hope I get there too! Thanks for your share!
My DA is loving our stability stage or commitment stage i feel lost as to which one it is, but i know he is lllllloving it!❤️❤️😊😊 He hated our power struggle stage. He is quite secure now, and my AP tendencies have dwindled down to pretty much nothing with him! I actually feel the Most safe with him emotionally now, isn’t that something? 👀🧐🤔
P.s. every time I felt super duper hurt reactions to his actions or lack thereof, I subconsciously gravitated towards these vids on him for some reason! 👀🧐🤔 At one point I regretted meeting him and was pissed! Now I am soo happy that I met him (like in the beginning)! 😊😊❤️❤️🤩🤩
How did you get through the power struggle stage? My DA partner asked for a break 16 days ago. Beginning to think it’s over…
Finding your YT channel has helped me turn a corner, thank you :)
You're Amazing! This is the best channel that has helped me see into myself and my partner. Thank you!
My DA basically tore me up for asking for a conversation after not communicating for TEN days... Because he wanted 2 weeks space. Then piled a load of stuff on top, and passed blame to me for those things. But that was all AFTER the "I'm breaking up with you" speech so I know its pretty irrelevant, as he had already made and vocalised his decision. Anything after that was just a bunch of excuses to justify it. I hadn't actually done anything wrong.
He hasnt spoken to me in four months since then.
I know he was struggling with processing his emotions, but he chose to take his space with his previous ex who then broke us up, telling him I was a threat to his emotional and mental health. (Agenda much???)
She had messaged me to tell me she wanted me to find out who he was seeing because he was obviously in love with that person (not knowing it was me) and she wanted to break them up so he would come back to her. I told her there was no way I was going to do that, and she realised she had overplayed her hand, and that I would tell him, which would spoil her chances.
I've been waiting patiently for him to work through it, in his own time. I hear their relationship is in trouble already; old toxic patterns, lies and manipulation are not the solid foundations of a relationship, and its what broke them up before.
She's spent the last four months isolating him from his social circle, family and almost cost him his job too. Lucky for him, we work together and the boss is a very old family friend of mine, so he took my thoughts on board and didn't fire him. (Fourth time I have done this for him!) She did this to him last time they were together too, and on that occasion he didnt have me there to speak up for him so he did lose his job. He knows all this, but still goes back!
I think what hurts the most is that we were close friends for 8 years prior to our relationship, and we had a deep bond. He said my home was the only place he felt safe and belonged. He forgot that though, while he was throwing me under the bus.
Im hoping that given time, he will remember......
This sounds all very toxic and a good time to exit this whole situation. Let her have him.
Summer sounds borderline -ish. Very selfish behavior
@@SK-no2pp Do you mean him or her? From the psychology I have studied in the past, I actually did wonder if he might have BPD, he certainly has enough of the traits, although I hesitate because he doesn't display them extremely enough, and I've known him for 8 years. I also know that those with BPD do display traits of DA attachment.
She definitely has traits of ASPD and HPD. The isolation, manipulation and overt sexuality etc. She also thrives on drama.
Air Bubble I meant him. Yes you can have the traits and not be fully diagnosed. He seems like he’s a “quiet borderline.” They don’t have to be raging. But they have black and white thinking, and they emotionally dysregulate. People who have BPD unfortunately end up with people who display narcissistic traits. Honestly, she didn’t do anything to him. She’s not to blame. He’s a grown man that should and can make his own decisions. The fault and accountability lies with him. Leave him where he is at. He’s not worthy of your effort and energy if you’re being treated poorly. He’s going back to toxic familiarity. There’s nothing to rescue or fix.
*hugs*
I tried all of these and I was still stonewalled.
EXACTLY lmao. She is really unrealistic about the DA sometimes. Thinking they’re good people when in reality they’re just pure selfish
@@nadinegomez8858 exactly!
I think it really depends where they are on the scale. Mine is and extreme DA. Not sure much will work with him. Almost feels like he is a lost cause. I know other DAs that are easy to deal with, but they are not this severely damaged. My heart is breaking for this guy, but I think I should save myself before he destroys me.
@@katalinmcewan Male DA. Save yourself. If he is not willing to put in the effort it will never get better.
What a powerful video at JUST the right time for me. Thank-you. ❤
There’s so much hope ! I’m AA and my DA and I have healed so much together. It’s really me as the AA to lead the way through our healing. The more empowered my person becomes the more he steps up to take initiative when we have a hiccup. It’s so amazing to be where we are now ❤️
Keep telling yourself that. The DA will flip out once you reach resolution and become more intimate. Run.
This is great to read and yes my experience too. The DA becomes more secure as you heal and become adept at being clear and calm in expressing your needs. Thais' husband was a DA and is now secure. It's possible.
@@jo4731 The DA only heals if they heal themselves. Otherwise you will just become codependent and lose yourself trying to adapt to their mercurial feelings. Your trying to adapt to this madness will only in the end, hasten them leaving and ghosting you.
Not our. You cant heal another. They wont do it. You will be left sucked dry. 😂
WONDERFUL VIDEO! Thank you!
SO glad you liked it! -PDS team member
Would really love a video that elaborates and explores into time represses! I find this very fascinating and true
Excellent and a very helpful insight
OMG this, I had in incident when after an argument he kept coming in the room wanting to talk and for the first time I got so upset that I started crying so bad that I couldn't catch my breath.This explained the question I was having about this incident.
hi thais, i’ve been listening to your content religiously since i first found it about 4 months ago and it’s been very helpful to me because of how you can explain with great detail about attachment literature, i’ve learned faster from watching your videos than the pace i was at before finding your channel, but even then the one thing that still has me curious is how different combinations of the attachment styles work and wanted to ask if you could make a mini series on why the attachment styles pair with each other. i often read that when an anxious and an avoidant pair it is hard for them to separate and they call it the “anxious-avoidant trap” because they trigger each other’s insecurities and reconcile and go in a circle, could you explain why we do this on a subconscious level? why do we pair (and stay) with people who have have polarizing needs as us, why is it that we barely hear about anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant relationships but see a lot of anxious and avoidants pairing with each other?
Hi Ana..I was an AA. My partner is DA. Here’s what I have learned:
We are not drawn to same/opposite attachment styles or any particular attachment style. We are drawn to patterns that we are familiar with.
An AA grows up with a fear of abandonment. DAs’ deactivating strategies give AA similar fears.
Likewise, DAs grow up with smothering. So they are attracted to very loving/pleasing/connection maintainers AAs.. DAs have a hidden need for understanding & acceptance. AAs over enthusiastically take interests in the people they love & are amazing givers.. but when it gets intense, DAs are prepared to respond to it- shutting down.
In short, we want to have NOT WHAT WE NEED BUT WHAT WE BELIEVE we tend to receive, so get attracted to people who do that to us.
AA thinks people abandon them-DA does pull away.
DA thinks people are needy- AA, to ensure connection, does show up as demanding.
To manifest a Secured person, you first have to become one. & believe that you are worthy of a healthy relationship.
Hope this helps💛 good luck with your journey!!
You do this because of childhood wounds.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Man people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. They finally want to be seen, heard and validated.
Twinflame Chaser i understand the reasoning for the anxious better now because of the fear of abandonment and a DA giving higher probabilities to abandoning but i still don’t understand why the DA stays with anxious? you mentioned it’s because the DA grew up with smothering but from what i have learned is that the reason why DA became DA’s was because they had emotionally absent or literally absent parents for most of the time which forced them to self soothe because there was no one to comfort them
B the Change i love that she makes daily videos but the bad thing about it is that here are too many for me to find what i’m looking for ): i was hoping someone would be able to briefly explain
Ana Rodriguez Hi Ana..no denials. That question (y the DA sticks with an AA) often hits me as well.
By smothering I meant, they grew up with parents who controlled them, more likely rejected, shamed and guilted them for their feelings or like you said were literally absent, so could not show support when the child was seeking it..
Hence, yes DA were forced/compelled for self soothing👍🏻
with my experience, staying is a result of DA’s 'logical' assessment reflecting:-
-AA’s ‘apparent’ efforts (*if 'consistently' put in by) to understand (precisely:not to misunderstand, then question them for) & meet DA’s needs;
-AA’s acceptance for DA’s true self; and
-AA speaking more practically & less emotionally, in 'no matter what' a 'warm gentle tone' ;
-AA’s habit of 'clearly’ explaining the whys, whats & hows; and
-AA’s readiness to not 'show' any worries about past or future by keeping things easy.
& such points help DA to not feel or realise but ‘decide' that it is safe to be with AA.. AAs do need closeness more than any other style but under the assumed threat of abandonment, AAs mostly keep their partner before them and gradually, do whatever it takes to maintain the connection.For DA, AA is a comforting partner. So, they ‘thoughtfully' stick to them.
That being said, it always comes down to values of a person. A high value guy or girl is sincere towards relationship..thus, takes chances. So does a high-value DA..
**I know that wasn’t as brief as you might have wanted. But any discussion here is insightful for me, so I get indulged. Good luck with ur journey 🧡
I've been on and off with a DA for a bit now and for the first time, we actually had a heated argument that we talked thru and finished. Typically I (FA) will have an emotional outburst around the 4 to 6 month mark, he gets defensive because I think he associates arguments with endings, then we both go silent.The difference between this time and the others is that after he went on the defense, I responded calmly and then ended it saying that I realize I'm all over the place sometimes, but just know it all comes from a place of love. He reached out the next day like nothing happened and all was good! I used to think he didn't care enough about me to try and make it work until I realized he's a DA and this is how he copes. I think him being reminded that I love him made him feel safe.
I was secure person first .. then came in relationship with DA with emotional unavailability .. accidentally opened up infront of him and disrespected him, because I was extremely pressured that I blasted on him… then boom 💥
After this major incident now I am feeling fear of opening up feelings infront of anyone and fear of expressing the feelings…..
I am afraid if I would become FA!!!!
Omg I want to go back to Secure person fast ….❤❤❤
Who are you
I'm at the point now, where when I hear the intro music, that it's soothing, because I know I'm about to hear something that will help.
this is so helpful as a DA I can't even explain. My fiance and I bicker all the time (like playfully that's just our dynamic and I love it), but there's a distinct difference if it's an actual serious disagreement. In this case I ALWAYS feel like this. Numb/resistant during, then very much needing space, then hours later texting or talking to him (usually apologizing/taking responsibility for something) and we work it out and forgive. But this would have saved me years of thinking I was like a sociopath or some kind of emotional retard lol. thank you!
@Richard Bicycle, thanks for this. It’s always nice to hear the perspective of self-aware DAs. As an FA leaning AA dating someone who is either DA or FA leaning DA, i’m curious what’s the longest you’ve taken to come back after an argument? Also, if you do begin talking after an argument, say by text for instance, but have yet to meet up with your partner in person to discuss things face-to-face, how long do you usually need before you feel ready for that? My partner and I are slowly reconnecting after an argument, and although my partner texted that we should just talk in person, and although I said I would give them space to decide when and where once they feel ready, it’s been a week and still my partner hasn’t decided on a specific time/place to meet up, despite them reaching out daily to text me about other unrelated things. I have, however, noticed that the needle is moving on our texts, and my partner seems to be unthawing from their numbness. Also, I give space for my partner To be the one who reaches out first daily. Just wondering how long I should self soothe and let them take the lead on when we see each other in person again… Or if I should use one of the recommended Scripps and ask them to share what they are experiencing at the moment.
@@gogohappygirl what ended up happening?
For someone that is anxious, and pursuant getting triggered, and wanting to avoid it; being more pursuant does not seem like an ideal solution. If your emotional needs are not met then leave.
Extremely helpful. I'm hoping for the opportunity to say these things. There's been a breach. It has lasted a week.
Any update?
Same here - it’s been 16 days - what ended up happening?
As an anxious attached person this really helped me understand my DA partner (hopefully). Wow. Thank you 🙏
yeah all good but i am tired when i am trying to do the mature, calm talking, but they act like i am the bad guy all the time, and they´re the victim, when they hurt me just the same and they don´t even do something about it nor care. this is over for me.
Was eagerly waiting for this 🙂thank u♥️
Thank you so much Thais!! Such awesome info!!
As an infj, I just got to know that amazing concept which known as Fe-Ti loop, which is literally about pulling off, and freezing, where we be on a defense mechanism where we all just harshly judging the satitution, yet due to the extrovert feeling Fe function, we won't bother communicate our needs, to more like, oh we don't wanna share it, or it's not polite enough or I'm not allowed to Corunna my needs or any of the above. And BTW, it takes me months being pulled off and ignoring my partner, but just learning about those concepts and tryina educate myself is very helpful
I love my DA. He is the most amazing man i've ever met. And we are both moving to secure. And i love these videos. We both watch them. And we are both so committed.
Sometimes i'm sad when i read all these comments about how awful DA's are. Because i have a lot of amazing DA's in my life.
I think it depends where they are on the scale. I know a DA who is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, and that’s still my opinion after knowing him for decades, but he is at the lower end. I also love and deeply care for an extreme DA, but I find his behaviour very hurtful.
You are awesome ! I love your teachings, I only wish they would be so willingly to receive the elevation.
i believe my bf is a DA... and im FA maybe with some secure aspects (both of us) but hes definitely mostly dismissive
hes made me cry a few times because on top of his dismissive avoidant personality hes depressed and tends to snap sometimes without meaning to. but when i express my hurt sometimes he doesnt understand, the only time i got through to him was when i told him sometimes it felt like a friendship compared to a romantic relationship... i ended up word vomiting everything after bottling thjngs up and he ended up crying his eyes out realizing how isolated and neglected i felt because of how he treated the relationship. i think he mentioned something about appreciating the honesty and i was so bewildered lol i didnt expect him to cry, but i let him (he was turned away the whole timr and didnt want me to see him lmao). i believe thais said in one of her videos that they appreciate being told "how to love", since they feel like they cant do that properly. and as he explained himself i just got more bewildered, saying something along the lines of he never saw the point of emotional aspects while acknowledging that he knew i needed more emotional reassurance than he did. anyway idk where im going with this im just trying to figure him out 😂 i cant fathom thinking that way im such an emotional person and i care so deeply for people and helping them on their feet im like why whats the point of being so negative ?! rhough im currently going through therapy and helping unlearn my own negative bias
its really hard for me to see the red flags but i appreciate him at least hearing me out and putting the effort kn asking how im doing.. it takes so much energy for me to be honest its terrifying but hes helping me be more honest with him. idk im rambling maybe im hoping im positively impacting him even if its just a little. we did hug afterward, he usually comforts me physically when im having a cry, so hes at lesst capable of doing thst, i cant imagine being with a DA who cant give me physical affection! either way this is such a huge learning experience for me after learning why i get attracted to DAs, im almost treating him like an experiment because of it but i truly care about him hes such a cutieeee pieeee and hes helped me increase my self esteem and im trying to do the same with him. thx thais for these videos you honestly are a genius with attachment styles im learning so much im obsessed lmfao it helps me take a step back and analyze what and why things upset me or make me happy! you are a gift
Yeah im 100 percent sure my ex was DA even tho he tested AP on the Attachment Project test. He complained i didnt understand him and that he felt judged. Well yes i have strong boundaries that i even expressed to him that i dont tolerate someone making plans with me and standing me up. So yes i will judge that behavior. You have to love yourself first. Also there was no apology and no accountability. Just turning it on me and deflecting blame. Maybe if he had apologized and this wasnt the 3rd time he had stood me up on plans he himself made, i wouldnt have left him.
💯 this one crushed it!
Why enable dismissive avoidant behavior by staying in a relationship with them instead of working on becoming more secure ourselves and giving ourselves a chance to start anew with someone more secure?
This waiting and giving space time is so hard, I’ve giving people this time to think before and it felt like they only used it to convince themself of what they are fearing. I’m so scared of not being able to have a true conversation after two days of not being able to comfort them and show them that I’m here to work on things.
Thank you! Your videos have helped me so much to understand my partner! (And myself if I'm being honest!)
As a Fa I do all these things you mentioned but my da friend is not actually needing space she’s always ready to make it worse and accuse me for new things every time...the fact that Da’s think badly about their friend or partner makes it so hard to fix things with them..like I can make it fine and explain myself to her once or twice but i can’t do it forever!!!
That's not a DA. Sounds narc.
@@seapeajones No, it's a DA.
Watching all these videos are helpful but can be overwhelming.
I'm FA leaning DA and my bf DA and I would literally have a 3 sentence argument and it would feel explosive 😂 We both hate it and would take space apart. This feeling of "I think we've talked enough now for the next month" would come into my mind but usually around 4 or 5 days i start missing him again😂 Then it's usually a countdown to see who gives in first because neither likes feeling vulnerable😭
Geez, for being "independent" and "self reliant", dismissive avoidants sure have a lot of external needs. They sound needy, almost anxious.
Ive seen my DA twice in the last 5 months. Tried having a needs negotiation yesterday and she lost it at me and pulled the pin.
I have evolved into a more secure attachment style but it takes me a day or so To process what I want to say or how I feel about the issue and possible resolution.
How do we communicate to the dismissive avoidant that they need help? 😞
You don’t. It will push them away.
It’s your job not to actively engage and try to be with someone who needs help. We cannot control anyone. We can only control our reactions, on our side of the fence. If someone is not meeting your needs and wants in a relationship, it’s time to walk away after you express yourself
DA male here. I'd say the best way is bringing up attachment styles, having him/her look into and have them go on their own journey. I don't think it works unless the person wants to put in the work and I think that applies to anyone in general.
@@KayWeezy thank you . Been married to my DA husband for 18 years and I only learned of our attachment style this year. Praying all this works and if it doesn't ,I need to walk away with my kids and do what's best.
What if they at first reject you, wanting to get out of the relationship, but then lean toward you, get physically closer after they’ve opened up with their struggles, and yet express that they do not believe that they can give you what you need? Even though, they cannot say what they believe is needed? Then agreeing to continue the relationship, but on a pause, because it can give them the space without actually ending everything.
Might be pulling away because they do not feel they can give enough, be enough, even though you try to express by just being who they are is enough? Feels like sometimes validation needs to be repeated, over and over for us to understand and feel it. Like, pulling someone closer even though they reject, because you feel, really, that is what they deeply want you to do. Sometimes later on they express that it is actually what they wanted you to do in the first place.
It is confusing indeed. Any thoughts on this?
They are showing you exactly who they are, which is broken, and asking if you still want to buy. We know something is wrong, just no idea what or how to fix. If you don't add your boundaries and let them know clearly ahead of time where they lie, you are going to run into issues where they expected you accepted them as they were and feel hurt/shame/betrayal. Male DA, btw.
Yes that's exactly what I am going through....after a year & a half of working together, him pursuing then retracting....then a year later making the move & for the last few months very slowly trying to accept/understand/not push, him saying "baby steps" not committing...not to mention how painful it is with prior arrangements with a female so called friend & the minute I ask for understanding/needs or validation of what's happening (which I have the right) he has now retracted/silent & saying that " all along he could go to another job" & always looking elsewhere, never settling in one place....I am an AP....I feel like all along he knew that he won't/can't commit...so why put someone through that, he always knew that I had feelings for him...its cruel!!! But clearly I have plenty of my own wounds still....triggered! .My fault I guess for trying/believing/addapting/accepting to fix/make/wanting it to work at my own painful expense....Now what??
@@pure-pisces4512 Sounds awful.. well, I discovered that it might not be about Dismissive Avoidant types at all, there's a fine line between Narcissism and Dismissive, so be careful about that. Mine definetly turned out to be a Narcissist, not a Dismissive avoidant.
@@seapeajones Thankyou, I have tried to do this, tried asking for a bit of clarity, me accepting his ways (trying) but seems my AA ways has scared him off, it's so hard working together & having history, I've tried so hard & saw that it was being reciprocated to the best of his ability & now he's looking for another job when I thought that we were working slowly towards something....I'm devasted & all of the core words have come back " My fault, I'm to needy, not good enough etc etc, I feel so abandoned!!!
@@Noname-wl1bz Thankyou, I did consider that, but he seems different than a narc, maybe selfish yes. ..but who would know these days!! & what is the fine line though??
After several discussions & being told that he doesn't want a relationship but "CONNECTION" wtf....is so confusing, sick of feeling a FOOL & unworthy.... being an AP, is so painful!!
When Thais laughs it's just Soo cute :)
So how much space does a DA need? As an AA, it’s really hard to give them space but I know that’s what they need. I told them to reach out when they’re ready but every second that passes by is killing me.
Start speaking to other guys I have two boyfriends, believe it works I'm not stressed when one pissed me off I'm on to the next. Xx
Currently going through this. Only 29 hours in but it feels like a lifetime waiting.
@@Miriam-ul4ke 🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant idea. Can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind.
Any update?
@@Miriam-ul4ke lol do they know about each other?
They are not worth it. It’s too hard they suck. It’s not all about them they don’t care about anyone. Give them a wide hearth,,,,,,!!!
How do you have so much knowledge about this stuff?? Really appreciate this video.
Weebei Because she studied. This is her craft. This is what she lives and breathes. She’s good at what she does
I think she started by learning about herself as an FA . We ALL desire successful relationships.
She took it to the mext level. Learning also about the ppl in her own life.
Its not work if you love what you do.
I believe this is her first motivation.
Being her best self.
Can you do a deeper dive on what they need in each stage with conflict?? Thanks!!
Hi, I'm just very confused on my attachment needs, I can get anxious if I dont hear from a partner but also being trapped and overwhelmed by another's feelings and needs. Relationships are really difficult for me to navigate. I'm very emotional, hate confrontation although if I feel safe and will be heard then will state my feelings. When I check attachment tests I fall in DA / FA .
I am the same. I have tested FA. Look at the profile Thais does on the FA and see if you resonate with it.
Sounds like fearful avoidant
That is 100% me too. I care a lot and will adjust and I won’t blame others for conflict but I get very overwhelmed where I want to help my partner but am so overwhelmed. I self-soothe and am fine on my own but I want to be a good partner too which involves communication. It’s hard. I think voicing these things with your partner helps. We are all a little crazy and if we can help ourselves by being accountable and appropriately doing the work and give our partner insight we can be more secure. ❤️
At 10:09 you say the last thing a DA wants is to hug and be held at the end of an argument. I agree 1000% but what do I do when all my bf wants to do it hug and hold on to me and all I want to do is escape?
My AP boyfriend asks for hugs and I say no.
What they need is to sort themselves out. Only they can do that not you.
No securely attached person should date them because clearly, There's only room for the DAs needs. I dated one for a few months without knowing about attachment styles but my gut told me that I'd have to choose between her and me own mental health, so i left. Looking back it really turns out that i dodged a bullet here and I'd suggest avoiding them (pun) as soon as you see the signs. Nobody deserves to be in such an emotionally empty non-relationship.
Me at 31 just now feeling like I understand why I respond the way I do after an argument or when I feel like I’ve let someone I love down
The avoidants are not prince/princesses of any kingdom. These people need honesty and accountability and some serious retrospection of their behavior and not be delusional. We can't be empath always. Its exhausting. These people need to just express thats all and not shut themselves up. Stop thinking them as a victim.
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I need to support a DA and an FA through the power struggle phase to breakthrough
I love how you said that you can tell them the space makes you anxious and then express that you would like to have a healthy conversation when they're ready.
My issue is, I've tried this in the past and they didn't respond to it at all. Not even a "sure, when I'm ready, we can talk." Just radio silence. What do you suggest to do if this happens?
Can you do a video on what to do when a dismissive avoidant wants to casually date only and you want a relationship.
So my ex doesn't say those words yet he shows up for the same level of relationship yet refuses to say one affectionate word. So he thinks we can be friends after all of that, having my companionship and whatever benefit and validation from my attention giving nothing in return.
I am curious wth that's about but not enough to ask him. I'd be interested in such a video.
I will share this suggestion with the team - PDS team member
Yes! I would love to see a video on this subject too . I am in NC now , (6 months) I had to walk because I was getting nothing back from this man and when I did inform him I was moving on his response was to laugh . I haven't heard a word and I was involved with him for 5 years! It's unbelievable how they just shut down point blank. I was gentle with him saying you need to go find you girl I love ya but im over it and he laughed? Help us understand why girl. ❤
Shannon D Ask yourself why you want someone who gave you nothing? And laughed? It’s hard for me to believe that he’s only dismissive. He must have other traits as well. He sounds like he has more than just simple avoidant issues. He sounds childish. You can’t be in a healthy relationship and constantly walk on eggshells, not be able to express your feelings, and never feel seen or heard. We can never ever “fix” someone or heal someone. At best you can hold space for them (which it seems like you’ve done). I hope you find a partner that loves you and supports you. Treats you with respect and kindness. Good on you for finding the courage to finally break free. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.
Personal Development School - Thais Gibson : Thank you. I think it is essential as the intrinsic problem is do we start a relationship knowing they are dismissive...many of us believe we can change them, they will change themself, or if we become more secure that it could work out...so often the general advice is “don’t get involved” or “leave”when they hurt you or my therapist said “date as many people as possible and move on if you can’t love them for their flaws too or leave if/when you set a boundary and they don’t respect it/ you state what you need and they say they are unwilling to meet that”...but what does an expert on attachment think? If you want to go into more detail... “When do we start and end with a dismissive avoidant.” As they can be toxic...the anxious can easily be calmed with words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time...they are not perfect as they act out on occasion too but it comes from a less toxic place then the dismissive avoidant in my opinion. The fearful avoidant I only encountered once and they ended things when I put in too little effort in their opinion yet they asked for space/casual at the start. Being anxious I can still understand them better then the dismissive avoidant.