I RELAPSED AFTER 1 YEAR OF SOBRIETY (this is very hard for me to talk about)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ก.ย. 2024
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I Noah Thomas, the creator of this channel, have been diagnosed hypogonadism by a medical doctor and legally prescribed the medically indicated treatment of Testosterone Replacement Therapy.
My Story
My name is Noah and on May 18 2011, I had a rare reaction to a medication called VIVITROL and consequently, spiraled into a suicidal depression with depersonalization and anxiety. I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks and was in full panic or near panic for 8 weeks straight mixed with the darkest most painful depression I cold have ever imagined. I immediately could not work and had to move in with my parents who, along with many siblings and friends, had to watch me 24/7 as I was a danger to myself. Eventually I was hospitalized in the Psych Ward for a week. Getting through each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been put on many many different doctor prescribed SSRI's SNRI's Tricyclics, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, holistic meds, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I barely saw any improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided I had treatment resistant depression and I spent nearly every moment in tears. Weeks after starting my newest round of medications (Seroquel & Nortryptaline) as a last ditch effort, I had my blood drawn for possible hormone imbalances and my Testosterone levels came back 200 ng/Dl and 150 ng/Dl. The average 25 year old male has 750 ng/Dl. With this discovery I had an explanation as to why I was not getting better and why I might be so so sick. The symptoms of Low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started legally prescribed testosterone replacement therapy soon after and have been checking in with the world and documenting my experience with treatment as well as giving my insight and perspective on various topics of mental health. I am blessed to say that I have slowly, over the last 6 years, been improving and becoming more stable which I never thought to be possible. My low T manifested itself in the form of Major depression, anxiety, and depersonalization/ derealization for over a year. Treating my low testosterone has been 1 HUGE part of the puzzle but I have had to continue to work hard to hold on to my mental stability with many set backs. Gaining some mental stability back is nothing short of a miracle as I was near death for what felt like forever. I do not consider myself to be totally healed yet but I am closer now then ever before and aim to use what I have been through to help or at least offer support to others in need I was able to successfully come off my Seroquel and Pamelor.
I work out all the time as a part of my mental health recovery!!! Weight training and all kinds of cardio rule much of my free time and I also share this on my channel.
Noah Thomas (bignoknow) is an affiliate of LetsGetChecked
Relapse is a relapse. It doesn't mean you're suddenly the same person who was a regular heavy drinker. It doesn't mean all your gains are wiped out.
But continuing to drink after that mistake does mean you're the same person.
Exactly you'll dust yourself off and try again. Dont let your past stop you from achieving in the future
@Solid State SSDx Exactly. It's all in how we frame the situation.
I commend you for saying that. A lot of people, even AA, has bash people who relapse which isn't helpful at all to the alcoholic. Thank you for sharing,
@@simisight7391 AA doesn't bash people for relapse. No where in the literature is relapse discussed in that way. In fact, the literature suggests that for us alcoholics it is in our nature to drink, the fact that we can do life without a drink is a miracle. The message of AA is sometimes carried poorly and I acknowledge that my experience in my city has been superb and not everyone is so blessed as to have found such a warm, open-minded, and accepting group of people waiting for them. But AA in itself, in his pure form as written, does not bash relapse. I've never seen more love than when someone returns. There is relief and empathy from us all. No one wants those we love to head back into the gates of Hell. We can't stop you. We get it. We've all pursued alcohol in an insane way. When you make it back, if you make it, it's like the best day for us all.
I'm pretty bewildered right now and battling many conflicting feelings and emotions but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for you time today. My commitment is to share my human experience as it is and not simply as I wish for it to be. There are many topics within this video that I would like to deep dive in the future but not today. I'm trying to pause right now and just be still. I still think I am a worthwhile person and I have learned to love myself unconditionally this past year. We will see what tomorrow brings. Talk soon.
bignoknow No worries man....I’ve relapsed countless times, for less than a month....but I’m still determined to beat this...as I’m sure you are!! 👍🏾✌🏾😊
bignoknow When your in it, it’s HARD to see outside of it. Your not a failure! You are human. Stop beating yourself up and pick yourself up and move forward. You’ve inspired A LOT of people but that doesn’t mean your perfect, or you want fall. We all fall down. Pray and do what you know works. Prayers up brother!!
Thank you!!
I needed to hear this to relate, and know things can and will get better!
I also relapsed when it was time to give back and stopped being about me, I was being really selfish .
bignoknow You saved my life Noah thank you.
It doesn't matter how many times you fall, what matters is that you pick yourself back up again. You're fighting hard, and you should give yourself more credit for that.
We got your back, through the ups and downs!
Ahiruko Noumi problem with alcoholism is you might never come back. It’s scary. Imaginary skips that you keep pulling and one day it might run out.
i relapsed after two years of sobriety-and almost did it the next time that i strung together two years. and, yes, depression is for life. i feel for ya. hang in there xox
Depression is for life?
Not for life. My Father suffered for about 5 Years. He was suicidal and continually weeping, and then it just lifted, and never bothered him again for the rest of his life (30 more Years)
@@jdssurf it can be. Doesn't have to though. Guess you will always be prone to it in a way...
Wait what? For life? 😳
@@Alberts_Stuff bs mine lifted after a month. If you constantly watch relapse and recovery videos yeah you're gonna have a hard time. I think it's best to move on completely imo these channels hurt more than help
I’m sending you unconditional love. You have the present. You are just fine right now, and that is what matters.
Today, you have every right to smile and feel joy. Neither shame, punishment, nor suffering have any space in this moment.
I’m sending you strength and quiet peace. I believe in your success. ♥️👸🏾
You just tripped over Noah, pick yourself up , dust yourself off and keep running the good race. It’s just a stumble not a wipe out.
Please dont, beat yourself up to much, onwards and upwards Noah, don't be sorry about anything. Your only human, one drink shouldn't dimenish all you've accomplished, one day at a time.
It`s ok buddy, you have performed brilliantly over the past year and inspired us all. We all fall down mate, and with support we all get back up. You`re here for us and we are here for you. Just dust yourself down and move on. 1 year is brilliant, don`t lose sight of that fact. Much love
Sorry for your relapse, I have watched your other videos on TRT and they’re excellent. You seem like a really smart person, that’s trying to live the best life you can. However, when it comes to getting sober the way we’re doing it, that stuff won’t do it, it’s the quality of the step work you do. I’ve been sober to the steps for 27 years now, thank God. And I think with what you’re going through, it’s really is rooted in the first three steps, the “I can’t, he can, I think I’ll let him,” steps, and then throughly working steps 4-9. For long term sobriety to be reached, you need to really believe you’re an alcoholic, number one, really believe God can restore you to sanity and then be actually willing to turn your life over to God. But beyond that, you have to work the rest of the steps, particularly the fourth step, and be honest about that, because people generally as sick as they’re secrets, and often they don’t really look at their life in the right prospective until they do the 4th and 5th step throughly. Without that, your intentions really don’t manner, what made you drink, the “causes and conditions,” will continue to come back to haunt you if you don’t do steps 1-3, then 4-9, throughly and honestly find a concept of God or a higher power you actually believe in. A lot of people have trouble with the God concept, but you are allowed to choose your own higher power or whatever kind. The problem with that, can be, if you don’t believe in it, it doesn’t work, so you have to do some real soul-searching about what you actually believe if you really want this to work. I used to be an atheist. But in actually believing in a God concept that would work for me I couldn’t believe in anything else but the Abrahamic God. Different people believe in different things, some people say they couldn’t never believe like that, you need to really ask yourself what you believe in, because when you’re alone, only what you actually believe in is going to keep you where you want to be. Good luck with everything.
Keep your head up buddy. I've made the same mistakes several times. Always pray and stay positive and know that it will only get better from here. God Bless buddy!
Sorry you are back in the battle. Wishing you speedy journey back to freedom
Your Dad is the man !
Hey Noah. Don't feel ashamed about this. It happens. It happened to me, several times. Some days are really hard. Times are really heavy right now. The world seems to be falling apart all around us. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm a realist. I started re examining my faith in God and that has been amazing. He is a wonderful anchor. What I realized is I ALONE am not in control, even as much as I think I am. Things aren't painless now but they are more bearable. God bless. ♥️
You're not in control at all. Like, zero. The more you let go of the illusion of control, the more liberated, free, and joyous you'll become!
@@bull_Tattoo yes, truth!! ♥️
Noah - love the honesty and realness! remember there are two things at play "working of mind" which can be depression prone, obsessive, or whatever... and "content of mind" which is the topics we depress or stress over... once we understand our mind works a certain way we can see light at the end of the tunnel and rise above the words we call our thoughts. if you ever want to come on one of our Thursday live talks on alcohol you would be a great interview :)
It's amazing to watch your stream of consciousness as conflicting sides of you battle it out. Part of you is scared and ashamed of relapsing while another part of you is trying to minimize and soothe yourself because you know you're still a worthy person deserving of a good life regardless of if you drink or not. Another part of you that wants to drink "like an adult" is getting in your head trying to convince you that it's not that big a deal. THIS time it wont get that bad. You can drink responsibly. It's amazing how our minds work. Any which way it works out for you, I hope you realize it's your honesty about your struggle that is your strength and is what helps people. You are such a beautiful and worthy person regardless of if you drink or not. 🤗😊
Courtney Craig I go through the same process when it comes to alcohol and binge eating. It’s so many voices saying I should do this or that. My head ends up in a whirlwind of confusion and I just give in to quiet things down and numb myself. To see Noah go through it makes me feel I’m not alone in this or defective because I go through it. It’s crazy how much I go through this.
I have struggled with depression nearly my entire life (no alcohol no drug use). I suffered a nervous breakdown requiring hospitalization in 1995, and even after nearly 25 years, the anniversary of the breakdown sends me into a tailspin for a few days. Powerful memories become triggers - my heart goes out to you.
Relapse is a part of recovery. Recovery is an ongoing process. I hope you continue to better yourself. Thank you for letting us be part of such an intimate part of your world
Thanks for sharing this, bro.
Never feel u need to apologize or feel guilty. As always I love your honesty. It makes u a very special person. All of us on here will always support you. Take care of yourself. Love always. 💞
Hey Noah. You have been there for us when us people with anxiety and depression struggle. And we will be here for you also. Your doing good my friend. ✌🏻👍🏻
This too shall pass men! You helped me and my family a lot to survive two of my recent severe depression episodes. U gonna be alright! Pray for u! 🙏
Relapse can be part of recovery, you are strong and wise, you will climb out of the depression again.
how?
Thank you for the post. I just relapsed after 7months sober. Your words meant so much to me and you put into words what I couldn’t even think up. Thank you for helping me realize certain things. Good luck in sobriety
Thank you so much for sharing, Noah. Your video was exactly what I needed today, to remind me that yes, depression is for life. I also had a relapse and forgot for a moment the progress I've made.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your honesty and the courage to share your story, one day at a time.
Hang in there, bro. We got you.
Step off the tightrope, Noah! Embrace it all... the chaos, the perfect imperfection.
Fall down 7 times... get up 8.
Steven Francque ♥️♥️♥️
七転び八起き
'Perfect imperfection' is just fucken beautiful
You are a hero. You’ve inspired people like me and many others with motivation to feel normal about our mental health. We stand up fall then learn from our mistakes and get up again that’s the cycle of life but, when we surrender to our mind that’s when the problem starts.
You’re a brave warrior keep fighting the good fight brother.
Sending you Bro fist 👊🏼
This sounds VERY similar to what you said back in 2016 when you started drinking again, and remember how that went? My advice is to get this under control now before you lose everything. I don't mean to come off as rude by telling you this, but i have to be honest because you are generally one of my most watched youtubers. Wish you all the best in how things turn out for you.
@@Stany961 Alright
I just signed up to your patreon. I did it because of this video. I believe in you. That and I’m British, so if you don’t sober up then your next drink is on me. I hope you do get sober, but that’s totally your choice ❤️
Keep your head up brother. You are a BIG inspiration ❤🙏
Dont beat yourself up be good to yourself and love yourself.
Im not an alcoholic, my mother is one.
I suffer from anxiety and ive found a guy by the name of Kyle Cease. He has been the biggest help. Check out some of his stuff.
You got this.
My son is dealing with the exact same struggle with depression/and ocd obsessive thoughts right now. It is just who he is. It's just how his brain works. He feels he will overcome it someday, but I don't think it's possible. So sorry you are struggling Noah.
people can learn to cope with it in many ways,,,,, You don't have to always take the totally sober path,,,, just be there for them and try and not judge them,,, all that does is make us want to go deeper,,,,, please just try and understand that not all people think the same way,,,,,,,,,
You're a good woman Marla.
Stay strong bro. Especially when things are going rough. Fight on. You got this 👊🏼
I've been watching your channel on and off for the last 2 or 3 years. I had been sober for 1 year and your channel have me a very human perspective about the disease. I relapsed like 2 weeks ago and finding this gives me some hope or mutual understanding about these last days. Thank you.
I so related to this video - the part about thinking my depression can be cured and then having a setback and getting angry because once again I am depressed.
Chin up bro! Keep pushing forward. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Thanks for sharing!
It happens and becomes part of your story! You're stronger than the addiction and all we do is pick up the pieces and go back at it one day at a time! Nothing but support for you!
perfect is a dangerous place to be! we’re all human, and we have to live our own lives.. you don’t have to justify anything. you’re doing amazing things for so many people including me. i watch your videos everyday to get through my anxiety and depression, hang in there mate, sending love from england♥️
Hi Noah, I've just come across your channel after seeing you in your dad's channel. I'm currently going through the same struggles you went through. I had been sober the whole of last year(2018), but I've since relapsed. I'm also feeling depressed and having a hard time getting back on the wagon. Thanx for this video because I needed to know I'm not alone.
I'm from Nairobi, Kenya. FYI
Ok. It's a temporary road block. Don't give up. Get around it. No explanations needed. The more you dwell on it, the crappier you'll feel. Let it go and keep going.
Your biggest gift for us is you being honest. We learn, we share, we grow.
You're so brave and honest. I'm almost three years sober from booze but I picked up other addictions because of that that are in a constant state of relapse and recovery. I never connected with AA I've tried therapy and yoga and meditation. It's a constant struggle and the journey is different for all of us. Thanks for continuing to be so open with us. You are inspiring and you are not alone. Also bravo for not apologizing for this. This is you're life!
Sending my love, hugs and prayers to you (from London,UK), you are not alone in this. I fight similar demons. Bunch of positive thoughts your way. Thank you for the video!
In my experience, trying to “control drinking “ and work it back into your life will take you back down a dark path. I think you will see this for yourself. I know the struggle friend. Stay safe. Blessings. 💘💘💘🥰
@Ruh Roh and I so wish that weren’t true. Just hope he is doing really well in rehab. ♥️🙏🏻♥️🌼♥️
I really appreciate this video. It's not about posting when you're doing really good (or really bad for that matter). I think its so relateable to be like idk wtf is going on. This is not a linear process. There's a lot of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, etc. And don't beat yourself up about drinking. I bet you were just looking for a little relief. Keep moving forward and if you didn't have some off times, you wouldn't be human.
Hugs, many prayers and blessings. Life is hard. Stress will get you. We all fall off the bandwagon at times but you are sharing, you are being honest and someone is dealing with the same things. People are here for support and be strong for you when you can’t. Prayers to you. Hugs from Phoenix.
I appreciate the video dude. As someone who is going through clinical depression and in the US we stigmatize mental depression so much. Its not fair that things have to be the way they are but wishing you all the best as someone experiencing depression too. Also I am not an alcoholic but I do like alcohol and it seems the older I get I want to drink to escape but I dont drink regularly. But super tempted with MY life. Again best of luck.
Hey that was brave admitting this and you have nothing to be ashamed of, it's life and its real. If you are up to it Id be interested in updates every now and then on how you are getting on and what you are doing to heal the depression. As a depression sufferer myself sometimes it's good to see what other people are doing to get themselves well. Your channel and the info you post has been helping me so much so thank you. I wish you all the very best.
And also just wanted to add you are a strong person who will get through this, it's just a little bump in the road. Don't beat yourself up
Keep trying and get back on it when you are ready. Sleep, diet, exercise, nature. The only things in my opinion that can help with depression & other medical issues. I find for myself if one is out of wack, it effects my life tremendously. You’re not alone in this and you can be sober/healthy again. You have learned so much and this is just another step in learning how to live your best life 💕
I am sorry about what you are going through. This is very helpful, too. Keep coming back. Don’t give up hope. Alcohol is an evil soul.
Noah, nothing but love and support from me, but... Just remember that this is a dangerous game you're playing. Addiction isn't something you should under-estimate.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your set back. You are so important to so many people. One moment at a time. Ups and downs we are here with and for you on this journey called life. I'm so looking forward to your come back to feeling more positive. I believe you can do this.
Keep calm bro you will get back right again. I too slipped back into depression and now back right again. I know it ain't easy but you have ups and down in life. You will get back right again it will go again. I seen your video where you said don't give up remember that you are a strong person it's only the tired you speaking this time. Stay positive.
I can totally relate when you say that you go from feeling great and super confident in your recovery to feeling terrible with immense doubt.
Personally, I think what triggers the doubt is the bad feeling. Your brain is trying to come up with an explanation as to why you feel so terrible. But remember that recovery is not a linear path, and that there will be times when something triggers your anxiety or depression.
Another thing is that it seems that you were convinced that you were basically fully recovered and that there was no way nothing could trigger you back into depression. This belief is probably what is making you question everything. Self growth and recovery is a long journey, and it means that you need to do more work on yourself.
Depression and anxiety feel bad, but they are not you, they are just emotions. When you see them as just emotions and not self identify with them, then it’s much easier to deal with it.
I know in that depressed and anxious state we believe and fear so badly that this time we won’t find our way out, but that is just an illusion produced from stress and fear in our body. There is no evidence to suggest that you won’t come out of this depression. All the evidence says that you have and are successful at overcoming depression and anxiety.
What helps me get out of anxiety is not taking it so personally and allowing it to take its course and go. Resistance is what keeps it around longer. It’s like having a cold, you’re not going to beat yourself up about it, just keep doing you and let it pass:)
Your still the man. I love you brother You are still an inspiration to me and you are a huge part of my own mental health recovery.
Have you taken any time to think about why your one year anniversary was such a trigger? Did it bring pressure? Did you feel like you worried you'd fail, so it caused you to do just that? Did you build up the anniversary in such a way that it became something you couldn't control? Do you think it comes down to control? You want to control it, so you think you need to be able to drink in order to experience that control? Something is there, brother. If I can help, reach out. We are imperfect beings... embrace the imperfection and let it be part of you. Nothing wrong with embracing all parts of yourself, even the dark parts. Good luck!
Great question. I shall ponder. Take care.
Hey don't worry man. It's just a phase and this too shall pass. I too am going through my relapse and binging on junk food and sweets. But there is a part in you which tells you to buckle up and fight off this negativity. It is this power we need to trust and tap into. Cheer up man.
Sending you prayers for strength, peace and comfort. Please don’t give up! Rooting for you.❤️
Hugs to you 🤗😘
We are a nonconstant, don't be hard on yourself. It's a learning curve.. Focus on what u achieved not a shift in yourself or a stumble. Big luv!
You have shown to us all that you are caring and loving by helping the internet with its dep,n. Be gentle on yourself, you are self medicating, you will get through it. You are loved by us all
Hey brother just know you are A- F'N ...MAZINNNNG !!!!! Inspiring and unbelievably BRAVE...!!!! I wouldn't make your relapse a big "THING"...don't focus so much on 1 year, 1 month, or 1 day....I think all that tends to create anxiety which drives us to reach for relief. I don't think anyone on your channel feels they shouldn't follow you because of this, if anything you getting back on your feet after a bump is MORE reason to follow you...this is real, you are real, you are as real and authentic as it gets brother !!! Stop looking at your track record and STOP judging yourself...your a rockstar, plain n simple!! I have nothing but GRATITUDE to have met you on this channel...and I know I speak for the rest of us!! Keep your head up...your doing it man, its beautiful...leave the shame and baggage behind. Peace n Love to you bro, you'll do fine!!!
Totally agree. Love your comment. I took my calendar down after a couple relapses. I'd put big red hearts on "sober" days... and feel extremely happy to see them covering an entire month. But the down side is - I'd consider one single DAY of drinking even a couple glasses of wine a complete failure - and then my pretty calendar was worthless and made me feel absolutely horrible. What you said about not focusing so much on 1 year, 1 month, or 1 day, as it creates anxiety which drives us to reach for relief is epic. I'm actually copying and pasting your comment into my online affirmations journal. I hope Noah sees it. GREAT STUFF!! TY - Peace and love to you bro, Deep Diver. :)
@@fairyp1313 - I love your calendar technique....what a great way to put things into prospective!! When you see the hearts covering the calendar its much easier to visualize just how much self love we've allowed into our lives. A great tool indeed..If and when a bump arrives we see it for what it really is- a bump not a mountain!! I'm glad my previous comment was of some use my friend...God Bless!!
Back atcha! We are all interconnected here ~ we don't give ourselves enough credit sometimes that we are impacting others ALL THE TIME ... it's a beautiful circle and cycle.. we're just practicing in our "earth suits" to elevate ourselves in the spiritual world and we're all teachers. This is the human experience. No expectation at all to be perfect or we wouldn't grow or be able to teach others. One person's shared experience can change the course of our direction for a day or a week or even a lifetime ~ as ours is doing.. even when we're "failing." (Strong word for being human). Man I love this channel and everyone on it that shares for the greater good and knows that each day is a clean slate.. sometimes I consider each day my 1st and day in life.. sometimes my last.. but how precious is EVERY day that we're alive really? :) Love & light to you!
Right there with you brother
You are not alone brother. Your words resonate with me very much. I love you my friend!! You have helped me so much. We are here for you bro!!
I appreciate your honesty. I am a little bit over 2 years without alcohol, but I was the relapse queen. This is the longest I have ever been without alcohol. My advice to you is don't beat yourself up and know you can do this. A year sober. That is pretty awesome if you ask me. A second sober is an accomplishment, you made it a year. I am a hell of proud of you. Just keep going. You fall down get back up. Always celebrate, even if you last 1 second. Be proud of yourself.
Stay strong, man. I’ve relapsed after 18 months of sobriety. It happens man, we’re all human. Keep your head up and God Bless!
Man... I'm going through the same shit right now. One year sober, relapse, one year sober, relapse... Its been a pattern for me. Although I am doing okay financially and I have my shit together when it comes to surviving and thriving, I still get hit with that depression. Then I seek out herbs and supplements that lead back to weed, which leads to a drink, and then BAM, I'm taking xanax for a stimulant binge comedown. Funny thing is, I seem to cut it out right before shit hits the fan. Either way, it's miserable. You are not alone, man. I know it can feel that way at times. Maybe start with counting your blessings first thing in the morning, and meditate on gratitude. You helped me a lot by just sharing this man. You are helping many people and I'm sure you have saved some lives by starting this channel. Much love, and all the best.
Dude if you are reading this I want to say thank you for being part of a massive incredible connection made from unbelievably insurmountable odds! it is an absolute pleasure to be sharing this time with you and although we have never met before, you are one of my strongest brothers. Do well my dude :)
Thank you for being brave to share your story. Relapsing today doesn't mean you will relapse tomorrow. Each day is a new day to be ALIVE, to feel the sun on your face, to SMILE, to show your body LOVE and KINDNESS. Another day to have with your beautiful wife, family and friends. Each minute, each hour, you decide how dedicated to your goals you will be. If you stumble, that is what your support system is there to help you and you have done an incredible job all year building that! I am so in awe and proud of all the work you have put in and continue to put in. Virtual hugs!
Hey Noah, I feel you man, really appreciate your share. I know you got a bunch of comments here. Just to keep it simple, I support you moving forward, and have appreciated your supportive videos. You do matter.
I just found you and watched sooo many videos today where you’re heathy. And my heart breaks for you, but I know you know how to beat it. Thank you for sharing and keeping it fucking reaaalll. I have NEVER heard someone speak about depression where I fully connected. You are sooo worth while.
I appreciate the vid. You just lost a battle. You’re a warrior. Keep fighting. You didn’t lose the war
Just like a diet, one hiccup/cheat day isn’t ruining your sobriety, it’s also the same as someone who is trying to quit smoking. Just because you have one mess up doesn’t mean it’s ruined everything. You are an amazing person man, you gave me hope when starting TRT with all my health issues and were one of the biggest factors of pulling the trigger on it and I’m so glad I did (no more heart problems) chin up brother you got this, especially because your so conflicted, and recognize you have an issue, it’s a hiccup, you can keep being you, sober, and awesome! Don’t let one hiccup/cigarette/drink/piece of cake, ruin your goal!
I'm drinking right now. Might lose my job and relationship. I love you and I've been depressed as well.
@@andeepress3335 thank you! Not being sarcastic.
As a chronic relapser I knew after your last video about wanting to drink your relapse already happened, in a way. It’s the most painful unpainful thing to deal with wanting to drink again during sobriety. You were white knuckling it, and I’ve felt it too. Sometimes I feel that I’ll never be happy sober or drinking, but drinking takes away my anxiety so why not stick to that! It’s a horrible thought and I wish people without this issue could go into our brain for just a day with cravings and understand. I remember in a video you did with your dad, he said “relapse is expected but not required.” You said this statement to me a while back in a livestream and I’m going to say it to you (with heartfelt tears)... I hope you find your piece.
You’re human, it helps knowing you have struggles like all of us. I also know the feeling about feeling so motivated, wake up feeling like you can move mountains if you wanted to, then reality comes crashing down. Kinda scary feeling so happy, like guilt comes to jinx it all.
Oh my word! God will never stop loving you, friend❤️ Don’t let shame take over. Recognize it and move forward. Shame will drive a wedge between your relationship with God and we don’t live in condemnation. We live in Grace. We live in a broken world. I will be praying for you! I know you got this!!!
I have heavy depression, several illness, many times I feel that life has no meaning at all, our difference is that I don´t drink nor take any iilegal drugs, but this nasty thing called depression is killing me. Many times I can´t create a simple video, I can´t even talk and have no wish to come out of bed. But, suddenly we begin to think about our great achievements in life, and we discover that besides all the bad things, we have great value as a human being. Don´t be sad due to a relapse. It doesn´t matter if you fall sometimes, as long as you bring something good from the ground with you ! ( You know what I´m talking about, falling is a way to learn new things. Problems will ever exist. Keep up the great work. I wish I had these tons of subscribers, you see, you are a lucky guy ! :)
Sorry to hear you're going through this brother. While I've not dealt with substance addiction, I know plenty of people who have, and I definitely know personally how rough depression can be. I really respect your willingness and strength to be open and vulnerable about your experience. The more we are willing to talk about it and not hide the shadows, the better off everyone is. If I was there I'd give you a hug (assuming you'd be okay with that) It'll get better. You know it, I know it, but that asshole that lives in our head LOVES tormenting us making us think otherwise. Don't listen.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. I know it blows to feel like you're past everything and doing great, and then suddenly you're hit with a relapse - like jeez, wtf am I back to square one? But I don't believe that you are when this happens. I do believe that when you are healing old wounds may be coming up that really need loving presence, and that it can sometimes be difficult to be present with The Empty. There can be a strong urge to run away from the negative emotions and it can take some time to practice pulling out of old coping mechanisms. There's a great video by Teal Swan called "Emptiness" on TH-cam I've found helpful with this pattern. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but know that it does not unmake you. Best wishes your way, Noah.
Your vulnerability is invaluable thank you
Thank you for your authentic self. This is why I’m here. Your honesty & realness is the path to a better life. I’m praying for you, all who struggle & myself. THANK YOU.
Thank you for your honesty you are helping so many people and welcome back to sobriety ❤️
You are loved. The struggle is real. Always in my thoughts and prayers. I relapsed after a year and a half. The guilt and feelings of shame and it's like a whole new identity you have to figure out. I so get the mental health I relapsed after having my baby and the anxiety that would not leave for even 5 min. I understand. Is all in can say. Totally, completely, understand. And Jess I feel you too girl. I am an alcoholic and married to one. And the child of one.....
You have the tools in place which you've learned in recovery. Use them to build a stronger program. Relapse happens long before the drinking. So learn about triggers and focus on your recovery. Wishing you the best.
Holy shit brother. I'm sorry to hear those things. The addiction and codependency is strong. Keep drinking, all will be revealed to you. I've been reading a book called Recovery 2.0, best book out there on the topic I think.
I just threw away three bottles. I had them hidden in my closet so my roommate who’s had to take care of me while intoxicated on numerous occasions wouldn’t find them. Every weekend I tell myself I’m not going to drink and put forth effort into being productive, I’ll go on a run, eat right, and even clean if I feel I’ve got nothing else to do. Every weekend when it gets late though I find myself half a bottle deep and feeling so depressed it hurts but we need to remember that struggling and giving up are two different things. Im rooting for you man, I believe in your ability to fight for sobriety. I hope your are doing well and haven’t been drinking, you’re helping a lot of people by sharing your journey.
You will come back stronger then ever
Please reach out to your friend Douglas Bloch. You are really beating yourself up here. Brush yourself off, & keep on going.
I just watched Douglas' Live Chat & a great affirmation he said was "My past does not determine my future." This relapse is in your past. Concentrate on right now. I know you know all of this, but sometimes it's so difficult to see that you can get thru your situation when you feel guilt; that you let yourself down or others.
Remember Douglas has been hospitalized 5 times. He does not give up. Please do not give up. You are so young & have so much to give. This is part of your healing process. I admire you for your frankness & honesty. This helps me so much bc I feel so guilty for drinking again. I understand it's a difficult thing to be sober. Anyone can relapse.
I was sober for 6 months & just recently relapsed. No need for apologies to us. You are human like the rest of us. I think it's bothering you so much bc it was almost 1 year & you feel like you have to be a role model to your viewers.
You are human.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are beneficial to us viewers !
"1 day at a time. 1 hour at a time. 1 minute at a time. 1 second at a time."
Please continue your videos. You make a difference.
YOU MATTER ! ✌🌻
Hey Noah, I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability that you show. I’m sorry that you are going through a difficult time, I truly am. Addiction is so difficult at times and relapse can feel devastating, but it doesn’t have to be in reality. You have shared so much valuable information and insight on how to keep going, but this can feel impossible to follow when depression rears its ugly head. I have been in your shoes and I feel your pain. With this said you should know that you are supported and cared for and we all believe that you are capable of living the life you want to live! Stay safe and keep fighting man
Be grateful for every breath my friend whatever meanings and emotions visit us daily
Do not be discouraged. I used to have debilitating depression years ago. Dark dark times. I don’t know how or why but years later, I do not have depression. For years now. I have a very addictive personality as well. I don’t know when, but depression is temporary. I came out. You will too. Humor might be the best way out. And don’t take the bad shit so seriously. Good luck to you brother and God bless
Sorry you're going through this. It's not fair that we can put so much effort into our mental health and sobriety and not have that be enough to guarantee we meet our goals flawlessly. I've been struggling with depression a lot more than usual lately and thinking about ketamine therapy for treatment-resistant depression. I'm already on the highest dose of my SSRI and I still struggle so much a few times a year.
You are such an inspiration Noah! Your videos mean the world to me, I don’t feel alone in my walk with sobriety because of you. To see you in your strength and vulnerability just adds a much needed element of humanity to this whole ordeal. The idea of never drinking again is daunting especially something that brought you so much pleasure and pain. I know exactly how you feel. One minute I’m adamant about never doing something next minute I give in to it and feel awful. Dude this is a learning experience just regroup and try again. If anything this gives you more insight into your patterns and how your mind works.
I'm watching this. The words you're saying is what I'm feeling. Mental stability is fragile. More than we think. I'm in a verrry dangerous territory. I get catatonic.. I feel it. I'm exhausted.
I wish you could know that you're not alone. All the dark shit is satan. God is always there. I pray that our relationship with Him will heal.
Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing.
I appreciate you ❤️
The struggle is lifelong, brother. For all of us. It's not the end of the world. You don't know what the future has in store for you. Love yourself, forgive yourself, ignore the doubts, and carry on. This is one of your personal "trials" in life. Try to release the feelings of regret and guilt, no matter how strong and punishing they are. Know that you are much stronger and worthy than you think. There is a always a reason to fight - for the rest of your life. We gotta' keep going forward, man.
You are supported!!!
I think about these times. You are looking for relief and we are here for you. Relief is true support from those who truly love and care for you. Sometimes we’ve got to lean hard on others and then... they help us.. set ourselves free.
Weeks can Change. One week we’re good.. some we are not.
You are going to be ok! If you’ve ever watched Family Guy, there’s a clip where peter says.. “ I feel too much “
( he was acting. )
Ifs true. Sometimes.. we just feel too much. ♥️Kristin
hang in there man, you are helping people
You will have your ups and downs, but it doesn’t change, that you have come so far. I still feel your someone to admire and respect, but your human, and as long as you don’t give-up, you will get through this
Stay strong you know yourself that you can make it out strive everyday, depression feels like there are just chains holding everything in, your happy self, your energy, just wait if I can do it so can you.
Hold in there Noah we are with you without judgement. If it’s any comfort past few weeks I’ve gone through the same with the depression. I also fight with the acceptance that it’s never going to disappear. It is not a straightforward road, if it was it wouldn’t cause so much confusion. I feel like a switch goes off and I fail to understand how one day I can wake up and feel ok and the next so dark ... Really we do understand. One step at a time... Be kind to yourself. Caroline
Thank you so much for your Transparency and honesty.. You are so brave and inspirational.. You make a difference!!! ♥️