ERP Exposures for Retroactive Jealousy: Real-Life Exposure Examples
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.พ. 2025
- Exposure is an effective treatment for retroactive jealousy. Choosing to lean in to those thoughts and feelings about your partner’s past. Even those most uncomfortable feelings about their sexual history. The things they did before you knew them.
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is really helpful for people with all kinds of OCD struggles. But when the thoughts revolve around another person - your partner - coming up with useful exposures can be difficult. It’s not like touching the thing with the germs or going to the scary place.
We need to come up with ways to deliberately provoke the thoughts, uncertainties and even the judgements without getting our partner involved.
And then with retroactive jealousy OCD, when the focus is on our partner’s sexual past, it’s even more tricky. Partners of people with RJ have had enough of their past being dragged up all the time. Partners can be supportive - they often are - but we have to be respectful in how we go about ‘using’ their past for exposure therapy.
An essential element of Exposure Response Prevention is exposing ourselves to the trigger - deliberately having the thoughts. And then letting the feeling pass without doing anything to make that happen. Not looking up the past or asking about the past or replaying stuff in our minds. Not self-assuring or self-comforting either. Being able to leave it alone, let it pass.
So imaginal exposures come in really useful here. RJ has us using (or misusing) our imagination to keep replaying scenarios about our partner’s past, so we may as well use our imagination to get out of this obsession. You can go anywhere in your imagination, as you've probably found - right into the details. We’ll do some of that, deliberately and therapeutically.
Drawing on my work as an OCD therapist, I provide ideas and examples of imaginal exposures for retroactive jealousy. And some essential guidelines for getting the most benefit from ERP exposures, whether working with a therapist or as self-help.
#retroactivejealousy #ocd
See my website for more: jasondean.co.uk
The information provided by Jason Dean is solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or sexual health conditions. Although Jason Dean is a psychotherapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your doctor before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
Just even thinking about these situations causes me a lot of stress. I keep thinking of her past partners having her younger body that I’ll never get to experience. Im 37 childless dating a 47yr old single mom. Do you think rj is worse in this case for me since she’s older. Or is rj just rj all around?
I know what you mean, and think awareness of an age difference can exacerbate these thoughts and feelings about her past. I've heard men have similar thoughts about 'enjoying her younger body' too. You can remind yourself that she's with you now, she chooses you, but if these thoughts are persistent and stressful, yes you're experiencing RJ.
The exposure work I describe in the video can really help with these kinds of thoughts but remember, one small step at a time and often the guidance of a therapist can really help. I hope this helps.
It’s been about 7 months and I can’t shake these thoughts. I go in episodes where I I blame her for being stupid and giving herself away and lowering her value etc and I’ve never been like this before. Like I’m disappointed in her. Asking her what can I get that no one else can say they got. Mainly focused on sexual physical acts.
I’m working with a therapist now but the meditation we’re doing doesn’t seem to be having any effects. It’s like I look at her and visualize things happening to her with other people. I look at her and try to imagine what her body looked liked when she was younger. It’s snowballing into a lot of thoughts all at once
@@thomascrown5765 When you say meditation in your therapy, is it similar to the exposure work described in the video? Have you and the therapist identified the blaming and questions as compulsions?
I don't ask this to criticise your therapist or their approach, but if not, you might want to discuss taking more of an ERP-informed approach with them.
No we haven’t done any of those. How would I do the erp approach? I’ve never seen myself with a single mom and it feels like if someone else marked their terrority. Do you think a subconscious desire to break up could cause these rj symptoms?
It’s hurts a lot because I’ve never been In love with a woman and I want to give her all of me but it’s like I’m being blocked from doing that. My mind and heart are at odds
I don't know if I understand what the sufferer has to do. He is facing uncertainty. At that moment, rather than going into rumination, I label the thought as RJ, I take a deep breath and I refocus on what I was doing like the conversation or I find an activity. I have the impression that you are telling us to stay « with »this thought without going into it, is that right, without trying to divert our attention to something else like our conversation between friends that took place before the trigger?
These are good questions so thank you, and I'll have more explanation coming up in the next videos. But yes - the initial thought (image, mental movie) is unwanted and unpreventable, whether it just popped up or was triggered by something. And it brings up a feeling, usually some form of discomfort and uncertainty.
Any thinking, analysing, problem-solving, self-reassuring, imagining that follows on is rumination. And we do have agency over that; it's mental activity that we're doing, even when we hate doing it.
So our aim is to accept that we've had the initial thought and label it. Then it's more like letting the thought stay with us. Letting the uncertain feeling stay with us. Not pushing it away, not paying it attention either. And then steering our attention to anything in the here and now that isn't that thought or theme or uncertainty.
A common metaphor is the fly that lands on your arm. You know it's there, you label it as just a fly, but you don't try to annoy it or swat it away. You look elsewhere until it flies away, still with some awareness that it's there. And then you may realise it's gone. Exposure is putting the fly on our arm, so to speak.
Exposure is a way to deliberately, willingly practise this - knowing that the thought is coming. And a way to practise with familiar triggers too, so we can face them and still not engage in rumination. It's useful, but every unwanted RJ thought or trigger is an opportunity to practise too.
I hope this makes sense and all easier said than done, I know! I'll be sharing more resources on this soon.
@ okay. Thanks for your answer.
I think that most therapists at least at the beginning of healing, advise rather to manage this intrusive thought quite quickly as I said and to immediately divert our attention from this thought to break this habit in some way break this neural pathway that was created.
that's why I have trouble integrating this concept, it's perhaps what I already do in the sense that I'm not afraid of the thought but I immediately try to refocus on something else "healthy".
In any case I understand this idea with anxiety because you shouldn't be afraid of it and not try to run away from it. It makes it stronger. You just have to accept it, feel it and it dissolves.
I can't wait for you to explain your idea a little more in the next video! Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
OK, maybe I understand in a way what you are trying to say! Sometimes I use a tool that allows me to “step back” from my perspective on a thought! to think about what it provokes in terms of: feeling, thought, emotion and the action I took afterwards.
You've got it! Just as you say, we want to be able to have the initial thought and accept we're having it. But not accept that we have to ruminate on it or get entangled in any other way. Then over time, it really starts to matter less!
Thank you for your input on this too - it's appreciated!
@@JasonDeanTherapist great! thanks. did you suffer from RJ? your videos are very professional, there are few of you talking about this subject; it's good to have new resources.