"Is My PARENT EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE?" | AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER | Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ส.ค. 2024
- #trauma #AVOIDANTPERSONALITY
#tamarahilllpc
Avoidant personality in a parent can be difficult to navigate. How do you navigate a relationship with someone who doesn't seem invested?
Remember being asked over 7 years ago by someone consulting with me about their parent "how do i live with my parent?"
Avoidant personality disorder is a personality disorder that isn't easily treated with medication and therapy. It will take a lot of work for a parent with ingrained patterns of behavior and thinking to change.
Sadly, children being raised by avoidant parents may find themselves struggling with avoidant attachment as adults. This means that you may find it difficult to connect emotionally with other people and trust them long enough to build healthy connections.
This in and of itself is trauma.
In this video, I discuss the basic traits of a parent with avoidant personality and how they can negatively impact your life.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:46 Avoidant personality disorder
2:49 *CHARACTERISTICS
4:14 highly sensitive to ALL criticism
5:27 cognitive distortions
6:20 *HOW AvPD AFFECTS YOU
9:54 learned behavior
10:27 may never be available
Article mentioned in video: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
Another article that may be helpful: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
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*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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This really helped me see things from her perspective.
When I cut my mother out of my life I told her she was truly evil. The things she said and even worse turned a blind eye to made her unforgivable. But I still understood she was sick. I just didn't know this is how she thinks.
I don't regret removing her from my life. I do regret calling her evil.
That's good to hear. Glad this was helpful. But I'm sorry you have had to experience this. Most individuals that I see with a childhood living with a parent like this have stressful adult lives. I understand your regrets for sure. I hope you are working with someone who can help you explore this further.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes thanks. I have been in therapy for....27 years. In the last 8 I have made some really great progress. Adding DBT helped and now I seek out people like you to understand my situation more.
Thanks again.
(PROUD Survivor of child abuse, neglect, abandonment, childhood sexual assault and so much more)
I’ve been trying to find videos on this topic. Very grateful you made this. Very detailed! It’s challenging when both of your “parents” are like this.
You're welcome and thank you! Glad it was helpful!
And you are right, it is challenging when both parents are this way. It's traumatizing to the child.
This is amazing. Never realised the body image stuff was part of it. I thought that was a separate issue. Makes sense though. My mother is hyper critical and judgement of other people’s appearances too. Celebrities, strangers etc. no doubt she thinks other people judge her way she judges them.
Thank you for hitting on the topic of parents- it’s been hard having a parent with APD. There are not many videos that hit the topic of family members dealing with APD. Appreciate your video!
You're welcome!! That's good to know. Glad this was helpful to you. And it is very difficult.
Thank you for making this topic. It was an ah-ha moment for me listening to a hypnotherapist. My parent was an individual before she had me and had these disorders and sickness before I was in this world. It's not my fault and I'll never fix her. We're programmed in society that parents, especially mothers can do no wrong. It's not true and it sets you up to keep trying to make a dead and destructive relationship work with a parent that is intent on your destruction and degradation. I choose me over her. Wanting a relationship with your parent is hard wired into most humans I assume. It will cause trauma detaching but it will cause even more trauma going through this never ending loop, pull and push.
I don’t know what to do, my dad is dismissive avoidant and doesn’t want me to be an adult and make adult decisions.
Thank you thank you another Jewel to digest and let it work throughout my mental trauma and in healing it my parents definitely are avoidant they are overly consumed and concerned about what they were thought of in the church when it came to their childrens actions what status they held in the religion even to the point of indoctrinating their children to behave in a certain way so people wouldn't know what was going on in the household even as an adult my mother tried to bully me on social media because of me expressing my feelings in a respectful manner not mentioning anyone's name on there because she was afraid of how people will look at her I went from deleting her as a friend to deleting the whole social media platform altogether to me it was low-key bullying and her guilt getting the best of her and that's how other people saw it as well whether she knows it or not but as always your video is helping me shed light on so many things I'm going through in my immediate reality and it's a relief just to be heard and understood Thank you Doc 😊 🙏 ❤ wishing you a peaceful productive day!
❤Thank you! Wishing you peace and blessings.
I'm glad this video is helpful and apart of your healing. It's hard having people like this person in your space. When you see any kind of red flag in someone, move on. Really take note of their behavior and move on. Glad you deleted the social media that aided in the bullying.
Awesome.
Sending gratitude to Tamara!
Thank you!! Hope this was helpful.
I love this video!
My mother has always been very vocal about her feelings. She was great at talking at me about them. Things that happened to her at work, the same story from 30 yrs ago, her excessive concern about my sister that has been disrespecting her before cell phones existed and of course....the talents shes very hUmBLe about...but once I fix to open my mouth about my feelings. She shuts down, changes the subject back to her or straight up hangs up on me.
Im in my early 40s and shes in her early 70s. Shes always been like this. Im ready to change my number and send her an email telling her dont bother me please.
Great research presentation
Tamara as always my friend.
You described my BPD/NPD birth mother to a T. That's was what it was like for a
5, 10, 15 year old neglected traumatized child. Actually, the first 19 years living with that BPD/NPD was like living in an
active War Zone; No Exaggeration. I won't describe any of it on TH-cam, but it was bloody at times.
Thank goodness in the last 5 years Therapists and Clinical Psychologist have begun raising awareness that Cluster B Personality Disorders are a REAL THING. Still today there are several cultures like mine, who refuse to accept that birth mothers can have terrifying PERMENANT personality Disorder.
Back in 73-83 That BPD/NPD should have been confined to a lock down Psychiatric hospital like one I worked at back in 2012
Oh well, it's not for me to waste time telling Neuroscience Deniers that the sky is blue and NOT purple. They are in a coercive control group that punishes outside perspectives just like the other 5,400 mind control groups in America.
Throughout all my 5,000 pages of Neuroscience Research Writing/Editing I've learned the psychodynamics of Cluster B Personality characteristics, features and traits. Years ago I removed that radioactive type of damaged personality from my social circle.
I'm so glad about it. Can I get an Amen!?
It was decades of psychological and emotional Torchure that I survived.
That's putting it lightly.
I survived that BPD/Hystryonic
War Zone for 20 years. Then married the same personality type for 10 more years.
Oh the weekly GASLIGHTING was just a JOY; NOT! LOL Never Again.
Thanks to my higher power I'm alive. I'm thriving beyond all expectations; cultural and societal. When it's all said and done, I have the Copy Rights to 80 pieces of Intellectual Property related to my three years of diligent Trauma Research.
Many said it couldn't be done, but it's already done and sitting in a safe deposit box with copy rights and all. 😁🎉
That's a historic personal victory and a milestone if I do say myself. Be Well.
This is 🔥🔥🔥🔥. Always awesome sis 💯💯💯💯
Thank you so much 🤗 Glad this was helpful.
I know this is really going to be good! ❣
🙂
I don't know how to accept that. As I told her, she should never have been a mother since she's so emotionally inept (didn't tell her that last part) , but it's just not fair that I have to be the bigger person or mature one if I want a relationship with her. You would think that she would think, what can I do to have a relationship with my daughter but instead she talks about me to other family members and her friends, omits her part in anything, according to her friends cries bc i call her and curse her out, and only says to me how everyone's problem with me is how I treat her. I'm like, I have never called her and blatantly cursed her out, it's usually an argument where we both are using profanity but often times, she curses at me such as "I dont give a f*** what you talking about," and there's no connection so I defend myself. How can I accept that is just who she is, which sounds like her (avoidant personality disorder) but accept that she is not that way with anyone else. I've watched her stand by while her "friend" tries to physically fight me, says she thinks she's going to slap this bitch, was extremely disrespectful all bc I was quiet in the morning due to a hangover and i didn't have on my seatbelt, I was 31 at the time. After all that, I heard her laughing and talking with that same friend as if a whole altercation did not occur. So I believe disorder or not, they are full aware of what they say and do and just does not care to build a relationship that should matter the most. I know I'm not perfect or innocent by any means and maybe I'm still resentful bc all I've ever wanted is a relationship with my mother as oppose to teachers and friend's moms, and I just dont know if I can accept that that will never be the case bc why did you have children if you were going to be a checklist parent in the first place. I would have rather stayed in the cosmos and I would never have chosen her!
Sounds like my house. I thought my mom had npd, however I think growing up she also had apd. Which explains a lot. Any videos on how to heal from this style of parenting?
Thank you for your videos. Keep up the great work.
Thanks so much!!
I don't specifically have a video yet on how to deal with this style of parenting but you may find these videos helpful:
1. th-cam.com/video/O5AlmonDF1A/w-d-xo.html
2. th-cam.com/video/-gMPWCxCTm8/w-d-xo.html
3. th-cam.com/video/BZ9MBE0sxRE/w-d-xo.html
Hey, can you make a video about healing avoidant PD please ?
I can certainly add it to the list!
@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks
I have AVPD . And am the father of 2 boys. And indeed there's been times in my kids lives I hadn't been there. I can relate to what you said about how we think. But I've always made a conscious effort to not pass on my disorder on my kids Its my life's goal. To break the cycle. But from birth to 13 and birth to 6. I was there and saw them on a daily basis. Even before I knew I had this disorder I wanted to correct the biggest flaw of my 2 parents . Which would being emotionally unavailable and neglectful like. And although I don't see my kids for eight or nine months out of the year Physically. I video chat and or text them almost daily. I do that to make sure that they know and I tell them that their father loves them very much and I have a good relationship with both of my boys I might be the outlier I don't know. But my emotional unavailableness came around when I avoided social events and family gathering. Not all. Maybe half. Maybe it is how you say it is on the severe end of the scale. But Not all with AVPD that have kids are this bad with the symptoms.
I’ve noticed that my mom is always concerned about what I think and how I feel or always so worried about what I will do in all her situations like she feels as if she can’t think for herself but when I do provide advice she says it as she already has the idea you know … it can get pretty frustration to the point where when she vents I just give her direct contact and say no words and make her make her own decisions so I won’t feel pressured.
That's hard to grow up under sometimes. As stated in the video, some parents with avoidant personality are so afraid of what others think that the child goes ignored.
As an adult child to someone like this, you are right, it does get frustrating. And if that parent has a major ego that can get in the way of them taking any suggestions or advice you may have, sadly.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I’m not sure how else to cope with that feeling , but as of right now I don’t necessarily avoid her I just don’t go over to her house and I’ll only answer really answer her calls when I’m in the midst of going somewhere
I mean… I definitely don’t have this disorder, but I do exhibit some of the traits. These traits have come out after dealing with a house fire and after covid, and after years of living SO close to my extremely critical family. My behavior began a down spiral that I felt helpless to get out of even though it didn’t fit me. I’m still fighting to get out, and it makes me angry and has made me angry since the beginning that my family’s criticism affected me that way. It was definitely drawn out by the trauma because before the trauma I wasn’t so vulnerable. I didn’t care what people thought including my family
You bring up a good point about having some traits. We all have "some traits" of this and I should have made this known at the beginning of the video. And, as you point out, trauma can "bring these behaviors/traits out." I'm sorry you have had to experience this.
i have children and feel i maybe have AVpD and i do feel really bad like it's really hard to be in the right place for them and I worry about how it will effect them often. :/
Hug them often. Let them love you. Let them express their emotions. ❤
My mother is incapable of being emotionally attached to me as her child though she blames me for her own feelings of shame. She is someone who is rageful and reactive and has hurt me psychologically and physically with no intentions of taking accountability. I can understand this reality but it doesn't make the situation better. I feel an immense sense of grief about the mom that wants me out of her life and anger because I was hurt throughout my entire childhood and am suffering from being developmentally functional as an adult. I live my life as a burden.
Can this be an outcome from avoiding conflict as a child in order to avoid abuse from a parent?
My Mother was mostly at work till gone midnight during my childhood, so it was normal to eat dinner at 1 am and when she saw me make a sandwich at lunchtime , she became hostile/angry as if I was only allowed to eat one meal a day at 1 am and still go to school several hours later. Also she would hang around men till the early hours trying to sweet talk them out of their money.. I am not close to my mother and wish she would be invisible all day and night again.
Is there overlap between social anxiety panic disorder with avoidance personality. I have panic disorder which has significantly hindered my ability to extend myself to others.
Good question! Yes. Many providers have to differentiate between the 3 disorders. You may be diagnosed with one and not the other. or diagnosed with avoidant personality when the real issue is social anxiety. It's best to see someone who understands all 3 disorders.
How would you differentiate between a parent with avoidant personality disorder and a parent of a child with reactive attachment. Moreover, if you have been not only judged for everything you do or don't do, if you have been made to feel you'll never be enough, yet every single misbehavior of your child is being blamed on your parenting, if you had false defanation of character allegations from the "good people" and you went through court to defend show beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't do any of the things you were accused of, - then how are you supposed to behave towards the "good people of the world"?
Sounds like you have a personal experience with this subject. Keep in mind that every situation is different and the people who are "the good people of the world" could be blind to the truth. Or perhaps the person who is being accused is blind. It's hard to tell.
As far as differentiating between both disorders, that is an entirely different video. In short, it would take the psychotherapist some time to get information on your history, your behaviors over time, your experiences, etc. including clinical observation and self-assessments. That's the only way we can differentiate between any two disorders.
I feel like I am this parent I've made so many mistakes with my 5 year old already. If I've already started damaging him how do I stop and repair the damage done
It takes a lot of strength and openness to change to admit something like this. The first step toward changing this is to get your own help through therapy and parent education. You can take parent education classes, get books including audio books online, and ask your insurance company for therapists in your area who treat children and teens and meet with parents for education. You may also want to take a deep dive into your own upbringing to evaluate how this impacts the parent you are today. I hope this helps!
Do you have a video about schizoid or emotionally absent mother?
I have a video on psychopathic mothers th-cam.com/video/sLT_K4ZVOjc/w-d-xo.html and a playlist on emotionally absent parents th-cam.com/video/5AXzaDeMgyQ/w-d-xo.html.
Hope this is helpful
what if you learned APD from your parent and now you struggling with the evaluation of others how do you break the cycle
That's a good question! If I'm understanding it correctly, you would just seek your own psychotherapy and work on "re-working" how you see others. You may not have APD and so that would make it easier to "undo" the damage caused by your parent modeling behaviors to you. I hope I understood!
I work with a boss who shows symptômes of histirionic personality, please more advice to deal with
I can add that to the list!
One more thing about the BPD, she looked flawless everyday; like a model. THAT WAS THE HEAD FAKE. No One question her because she looked good.
Rule #1 Alway check under the hood when buying a car. The outside doesn't even begin to tell you about the Engine, the Starter, the Fuel Pump or the Maintainence records. The look means nothing if the transmission is permanently damaged my friend. Peace!
I love the automotive metaphor! It’s so applicable!! 😂
Can I ask myself- is my sibling emotionally unavailable?
Absolutely! I actually have a video coming out on this very topic soon.