Happened to me. No matter what I said I was never acknowledged, I was never right. It got to the point where talking to my immediate family hurt my voice cause I was forcing my voice. The only choice in these circumstances is to walk away.
"some parents ...cannot bear that their child who they've put on the earth should be happier than they've managed to be..." This really hurts when you sense it.
I see this in multiple generations of my family. My grandmother hated my mother, and abused her all 65 years of her life. My mother was better than her in every aspect of her being and her other three siblings are the absolute opposite. My grandmother treats them very differently. I am so much like my mother, now that she is gone, I am the target of that abuse. And all of my life, I recognized my mother's pain and bore witness to the last 35 years of that abuse. I loved making her laugh. I did anything I could to distract her from the pain. I never looked at these dynamics in this light and this all brings me to tears. I cry all the time thinking about the life of pain my mother lived and I actually find peace in knowing she's free now.
@616CC Thank you, from one light to another. I don't know what was harder, watching her suffer or letting her go. I was her relief from the suffering and I knew that my whole life, and letting her go was the final and ultimate relief from it all. She was my everything, my true soulmate. People have this idea that a soulmate is someone you meet and fall in love with and marry. That's not always the case. My soulmate is my mother. A piece of me left when she left. Life turned into a black and white silent film when she left. Music turned to noise, colors dulled out. There isn't anyone to make laugh. Time sped up around me as I move in slow motion. It's been 2 and a half years and I still struggle to feel complete. I felt a part of my light leave. But I know she's waiting for me. She was the best human I've ever met. She spent her every waking moment taking care of everyone before herself, even the people that hurt her the most, and taught me to be a decent human being. To love others despite how they may treat me. To be just and fair, kind and understanding. She taught me how to shine so I won't let my pain stop my light, just like she didn't. Thank you for listening, I love you for that 💜
@@Falulitaand you are so accurate on the music, everything going black and white, and all that made you smile has that bittersweet thing no matter how hard u try to look at it😢 I KNOW they are better now, better than us, where they deserve to be, in absolute light and peace, waiting for us in the eternal🌌to come home💫💫🌬️
@sofiasedlbauerova4726 Thank you, your words are beautiful and I feel that you truly feel me. Home, that is exactly where they are. Eternally in peace and shrouded in love. They deserve it. I look up to the stars, specifically the middle one of Orions belt, for reasons specific to my mother and me. I know she's there, it's brighter than it used to be. We used to go to concerts all the time, music was our escape from the pain. We both sang and played instruments, read and write music. We both crochet and would consider ourselves fiber artists, I always thought she could see more colors than the average person because of the things that she would create and the beauty she would see in things most people wouldn't. She is amazing. She triumphed through it all, so my mission is to continue to spread that kind of love and light. I think you might be on a similar journey 💜 The music and the colors will continue to flow from my heart, my soul, to anyone willing to receive it. I hear your music and see your colors even with the world between us. Sisters in light and love 🙏🏻❤️🔥🪽✨️
@@anitadiaz733because it tends to not be the case they experienced. Most people are not jerks, ergo most parents aren't. Sorry if yours were but that is not as common as you think. People are just normal, and to want it better for yours than you have is a pretty common thing.
Having someone named Raskolnikov being ignorant of different life experiences and the possibility of knowledge of this without experiencing it is kinda funny
I am a person who doesn’t have many friends, but with my way of being, humor, smile, positive attitude, and natural wit, I attract people to me. However, I have never admitted to anyone, not even my family, that I’ve been through several rounds of therapy and have been treating anxiety and depression for over 5 years, with breaks. The funniest thing is that the deeper the hole I’m in, the more humorous and witty I become, even though at times I can barely keep myself from falling apart.
Be careful you are not entertaining your therapist. Someone had to let me know that was what I was doing. It wasn't a therpist. The problem with therapyit it had me focusing on everything wrong with my life and nothing right with it. I hope you have more luck.
@@hiufgterde If you haven’t experienced that, just be quiet and move on. Everyone is different and you should be more considerate, rather than just be a negative force of nature that does zero good for anyone, including yourself. Being negative not only poisons others, but yourself from the inside out. I hope that resonates with you and you enjoy the rest of your Christmas holiday. Be good. Do good🙏❤️
My son in law is a great person who rarely acknowledges or shows off his successes. I was chatting with him one day about being so modest on promotions or other occasions he should be very proud of himself. He said his brother is autistic and as they were growing up he was always told to be quiet about 100s on tests or anything else he accomplished bc it would make the brother feel sad or upset bc his scores were low. This man is so smart & so humble but not bc he wants to be. It’s engrained in his mind & heart not to ever take any credit for his actions. He told me in high school he had scored the highest scores in the class many times and told his mom who said BE QUIET ABOUT THAT BC YOUR BROTHER GOT AN 11% out of 60.. he said but mom I got a 60 and I got the bonus points too. His dad stood up and started to take his belt off - he said he didn’t want to hear him saying that again or else. Such a humble young man he is but for all the wrong reasons! We celebrate his milestones and he was a little shook at first. Now he smiles and jokes about his achievements as a buffer.. He only does it with us tho.. when he goes to visit his family he reverts to his old self and says nothing about the good things that happen to him. Surviving on another level as a child to adult and leaving his parents never knowing it wasn’t normal. We’re always proud of him and we tell him it may have been normal in his family but it isn’t the norm in most. I truly hope he gets it right when he & my daughter have children❤ celebrating their achievements and leaving the other junk behind.
Yup, that's imposter syndrome. Can't ever feel proud or accomplished because we weren't given attention as children. Our brains can't comprehend praise or admiration. Causes a bunch of mixed emotions. Another thing is if your friends and family are worse off than you, it can really cause tension. I'm glad you're giving your son inlaw the praise he deserves. My in law grand parents recently had a competing business cater an event because my wife and I are "doing good enough and make too much already." There exact words lol
You just reminded me of the mothers of my former girlfriends. I am so grateful for the families of my girlfriends were always so welcoming. All best for you and your son-in-law!
Mine too. ❤ Mama was negative and hated me and my younger bro. the middle son tho awful was cherished. but beibg funny hot wired my brain to lift me above the abuse. it really did. I loved her more than she knew. but thats ok. im now 69 and she died in 1996. so I'm still here. and truly happy. 🎉❤❤❤
It's so tough. Only near the end of her life did I realize my mother had been depressed probably her whole life. Given her childhood abuse and later depression, I am impressed she did as well as she did in life.
My therapist was telling me this, and she ended it with I was one of the funniest patients she had. We would spend an hour in laughter, straight tears running down our faces. I don't know how to present anything that is not a joke for the most part. I grew up in h3ll. I had two abusive, neglectful substance abusing parents.
I just had a fight with my bf because he just make jokes all the time. He cannot be serious any moment, and he is clumsy on purpose. Do you think is the same as you? Maybe he is sad.
@alejandramarquez6804 he may not be sad sad. But there may be a permanent under current of sadness. Did he have a difficult childhood? I use irony, and I purposefully am clumsy or do things wrong as a joke all the time. I never make another person the butt of the joke, nor do I pick on others. I'm always making jokes about myself or of the situation. I also have a really, really hard time taking anything seriously because everything in my childhood was dramatic, violent, or tragic, now serious things that bother other people just seem mild or even a slight inconvenience to me. I tend to make light of it because, honestly, it's nowhere near as bad as most of the situations I've lived through.
It makes a lot of sense, I was raised in a family with brutal amount of shouting and arguments, and my parents always screamed about getting a divorce etc, I would come in and try to negotiate an agreement so that they would stop fighting and now as an adult people tell me that I am very compassionate, I always try to defend the other person, eg when my girlfriend says something bad about what a coworker did to her, my first reaction is to find a plausible reason which would explain the coworkers behavior so that my gf is no longer angry at him, but then if I were to meet the coworker, I would be trying to justify my gf’s actions - my parents always tell me that I only defend other people and that I think they are the worst, but the constant need for conflict resolution as a child made me behave like this by default
when it comes to conflict resolution, wouldn’t people like to feel like you are on their side? wouldn’t they get angrier if you defend the other party without making them feel understood first
@@NamasteInYourLane I know a couple of narcissists who are very resentful and sneering toward their children and grandchildrens successes. They tick every box for narcissists, him more than her, but don't tell me the word is over-used and don't tell others. They know the people they're talking about. You don't.
@@NamasteInYourLaneit is overused, I agree with you. However, actual diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder is absolutely rampant these days. And a lot of people genuinely struggle with these abusive people. You can't say whether the commenter actually knows one or not. Because you don't know them. And they're absolutely spot on. Jealously of their children IS an extremely common trait of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Just be kind. You have no idea what another person has or is going through. Or what their qualifications are! They could be a psychiatrist for all we know.
Im a woman, native American and french, grew up on a rez, my mom made me have short hair. Can you imagine. Like demi moore in ghost. For years. My parents never praised me for anything. Never gave compliments. From 8, on every weekend i was alone. Theyd go to the bar until close. Again and agin id call the bar to see when they would come home. Always oh, in a little while. Never had nice anything. Never. They did. My dad always had good boots. And good jeans. Name brand. My mom had good shirts and sweatshirts. Name brand. I had garbage clothes. I even had hand me down shoes from my cousin who lived in government housing with her single no work mom. We were in the same grade, and im wearing her old shoes. I was class clown at school. I was work clown at any job i ever had. I felt like I had nothing else to offer besides being somewhat funny. I got together with my husband and i could finally tell someone how i felt. I dont have to be funny to be liked. I can just be me.
Oh ❤ i have memories of calling the bar too. Every hour i could understand less of what mom was saying. I was up all night waiting and when my mom came home she layed on the couch i gave her a pillow take of her shoes put a blanket over her gave a night kiss. Then cry in my bed and go to school next day. Happy to be grown up. I dont know u but i am very proud of you for being so strong i thank god that your life changed and u have a good partner. ❤ may all your days be joyfull and blessed.
@Melissa_TP omg this made my eyes well up😢. I went thru this too. We lived above the bar that my parents owned...I would call all night. I would be so upset with my mom the next day, I wanted her to know my pain. But I couldn't stay mad very long bc I love her so much. She's passed on now and I miss her everyday. Thank you for sharing your experiences and making me feel less alone❤❤❤❤❤
How were you guys able to even find a husband with so much trauma. I feel that one of the worst consequences of my life being sabotaged by my parents is not being able to make myself loved by anyone...
That hit home. I sometimes wonder if parents don't realise that one day you will be a grown up who can see behind all of that BS. When I was a kid I was always wondering and also a bit sad, why all the shops we went to to buy my clothes were smelly and dull with a not too fancy selection of clothes. Until many years later I realised these were secondhand shops. And that realisation wouldn't have been too bad if I wouldn't have realised at the same time that the shops we went to to buy stuff for my mother were fancy-shmancy luxury labels. No need to mention that I was bullied at school for my not too fancy sense of fashion.
This is true. My mom was envy of my appearance and she continuously was repeating to me that I'm gonna be unwanted, nobody gonna want me, nobody gonna want me .. Guess what did that do to my psyche? And guess how that effected my developmant into adult and the entire life story. We have to remember that mom is just a "broken" woman herself who got a child , but that doesn't mean that she magicaly become a nobel woman .
I feel you. On one side I was the trophy child for my mom and on the other side she was full of envy. And so was my dad. Took me a while until I realised that. For my mom it was my appearance and for my dad my choice of profession. And the most "funny" thing was, that after a life struggling with men bothering me like flies on a cow's ar*e, she said to me one day: No wonder that men don't like you. 😆😅😓
yes I get this. It is hard to to battle these engrained thoughts even with more logical thoughts when you get to be an adult...just because no part of you believes any different, your default is all this faulty programming. It is a struggle
I remember the day that i reliced than my mother does not really loves me. I bringed a girl home, she was a beutifull girl just like a barbie: Blond, tall, amazing body shape. Yeah and olso very silly but what really made me get in to her was her deep kindness. So we sit and eated everything was nice and funny but then my father left to work and my girl when to the bathroom and my mother wispered to me than she was too much for me. I asked not undertanding: "What do you mean?" She repeated: "Just that, she is too much for you..." And i saw a little subtle grin. Then i answer her very detach from her opinion: "I am the one who fuck her... So...." She forced a smile and my girlfrend came back from the bathroom and my mother started to talk about many shamefull things front of her trying to make me unsecure. At the moment i did not undertander what was going on but then i reliced than she was a narsisit and needed help. It's hard so far but i can say than thanks to my mother now i can spot a narcissist from far away. We still working on our relation, i do not think she is going to heal. Me probably either. (narcissism is generacional.)
Words i will never forget from my mother "who would want (to be around) you anyway" a few times she said this to me and each time struck a chord. I'm still convinced I can't ever be truly wanted. That I'm being tolerated. Your last line is exactly right. So many people have children but are entirely unprepared to actually be parents. The children will always suffer for it. We can only work to do better
"dynamics occur that go way beyond what we're ordinarily prepared to tolerate" is honestly the most accurate description for my experience. i no longer talk to these people because i am still not prepared to tolerate that shit
@@RyanKing-q2m Be clear: are you telling people to attend gatherings and to engage with those abusers? You used the word "result." That means there is a precursory event to that "result." If they don't want to be there or to engage with those people, then they don't. Other than not caring, the rest of your comment is unclear. You're telling them to not care about the result. What result?
This is very true... my mother was very jealous of me, and i didnt deserve anything that she did not get also... as an adult i became her competition.. she would even spread untrue rumors about me with my own friends.. i only found out when my friends informed me... i was made to feel guilty about anything good in my life because according to her, she deserved it and i did not.. those guilt trips that started when i was a child had a tight grasp on me and i did everything i could to try and please her, but i never could 🙏🏻💔
@nikiepunt8631 same 🙏🏻❤️.. my mother passed in 2020, and the effects still linger.. You are still here and trying, which says to me you are anything but a failure ❤️❤️
You are accepted and loved by a good Father, who is waiting for you yo run in His arms, who loves you so dearly He gave His only Son for us, for you. I pray you can forgive your mom and be free in the name of Jesus, amen ❤
Same here!!! Did we have the same mother? 52 and finally becoming who I was created to be not who she made me be in order to survive living in my house. The more I Know God's love the more I am free to be who I was created to be. ❤
I read something that made a lot of sense. It said that comedians often suffer mentally because their comedy is often based on something that they were teased or ridiculed for as a kid. Chris Farley's bit was that he was fat. Robin Williams often joked about depression. The problem is that by using those things to get a laugh from a crowd, they never really get to escape them. It serves as a constant reminder about their problems as they put on a mask and pretend it's funny when they're really hurting inside.
It's too reductive to treat people with such a broad brush. Wanting to make others laugh isn't a diagnosis of whatever garden-variety label one chooses. People are complex mixtures of drives, motivations, features, and desires that resist dime-store flowchart analysis. Insinuating that all comedians are 'wounded' is pathologizing, which itself is a problem.
@@jessicaroberts8090 Comedy _can_ be used as a defense. So can treating others kindly. So can treating others _poorly._ Get it? *_Anything_* can be a defense, that why it takes a trained specialist _months_ to work out the patterns that may (or may not!) point out particular defenses. Psychologists typically eek such things out from monitoring their own transferences, but that is more a complicated topic for those doing their training for their master's degree. Defenses are not things that can be looked up on a simple chart with two columns.
not just parents that affect children, siblings affect siblings as well. i have anxiety and always try to be a background character because my older sister would always put me down if i did anything that was above her. i don't speak to her anymore but it still affects me to this day. hard wired into my system and i can't figure out how to break it.
Mindfulness, the voice is installed in you... With mindfulness you can learn to move around cutting the inner input. She probably noticed she could get away with that bullying and that it has an effect on you.
At age 9, I ended up at a fancy private school, where it was suddenly made apparent to me that I was an odd child. The teasing hurt, but not as much as my younger sister telling me "my friends think you're weird." I held onto that idea for so many years, and I doubt she ever understood how deeply it affected me. It's taken me a long time to become comfortable in my own weird skin, especially around my siblings' friends. Today I try to embrace all of myself without fear, and encourage others to do the same.
In Elementary, I was quiet and mostly invisible to others. In High School, I unconsciously evolved to being this hilarious, witty and even became the go-to person for laughs and a good time. I realized 20 years after that it was a coping mechanism. Making myself feel good to mask pain. My family was dysfunctional, to say the least. By the way, I still can’t watch anything by Robin Williams. He was giving joy to people, while masking his depression, anguish and pain.
@@Admiral-mi1bf seriously? This person is brave for sharing that. They have had to come to terms with their reality and self-reflect, the latter of which you obviously don't do. And don't come at me with 'this is a joke', jokes are supposed to be funny, this isn't.
@@kikip2791 oh you think my praise was a joke? I'm being serious. Congrats on having the worse childhood in history, he won! That's something people like him seek. It's pathetic but that's what they need. We all have crappy childhoods, people like this need to make it competition and use it as an excuse. Having the worse childhood and letting people know won't help you. You can cry to someone else about it
Parents who are envious of their children are also envious of everyone else. They can’t see someone else happy or smiling that they have to try to crush it.
Not too sure about that. My mom was a super friendly and empathetic nature. Until it came to me. :( But doesn't make life any better when no one can imagine what is really going on behind closed doors.
Thank you so much for what you said at the last part. Families can be very difficult places indeed. "And dynamics occur that can go beyond what we've been prepared to."
I love this man! He honestly made me feel more self acceptance after hearing him explain this.. and honestly my mind was blown hearing triggers for why I tend to act or be a certain way.. thank u
Parent envy is so real! And it does not get talked about enough. It’s just as destructive over the long run as some forms of physical abuse, and the damage can be very hard to untangle and heal because it’s left no physical scars. I remember when I stopped sharing my successes and achievements with my parents, I was 9. I was so young, but I instinctively knew through conditioning that any success I had would be taken by my parents and used to give them value, or else demeaned or treated with sarcasm so that I wouldn’t feel as if I was better than them. None of this was done with direct insults, yelling, or abusive language, it was all very passive aggressive, subtle, tactical. In that way, I could never quite put my little finger on what made me feel bad about doing well, I just knew I did.
Thought about that often already. 😞 All the worse, when you should at the same time meet the expectations of your parents so that they can brag about their offspring and then again you are also being bullied for it because they can't stand your success either. Not to mention that I was dropped like a hot potato after a severe stroke of fate that did not fit into the picture.
My mother would always critique my looks when I was a small child, then teenager. I have never believed a single word she would say about me. I loved the way I looked. I had good hair, awesome body and etc. she just loved to belittle me because she hated my father. How sad is that.
My humor absolutely comes from my carrying my mother's depression around for 40 years. My utter perfectionism comes from trying to prevent fires so I didn't have to put them out. Survival of the fittest at its finest 🙄 Some family's are extremely difficult places... thank you for acknowledging it.
How could any parent think like that towards their child. Since having my daughter I feel like my sole purpose now is to be sure she is always happier than I’ve ever been / am
I can happen if you have to have a child you do not want. Some parents might feel like the child ruined their live. Which is immensely sad, because a child never does. But if you have no financial, emotional and family support and your live becomes a constant struggle and you constantly have to give more than you have, because there is no one to share the load... it might make someone feel like that.
Do take a little care there - you want her to be able to come to you with her problems, and if she knows her job is to be happy, she may not ever want you to know she is sad.
This makes sense.. i always wonder how i hate competition, winning, etc. when I was at school and even at work. I am a perfectionist but at the same time i hate the limelight to be noticed when im doi g something great. Growing up in an envious and unstructured environment
And I guess on one side they set their standards so high that they were barely reachable (perfectionism) but when you reached them nevertheless, they were envious (hiding). At least that's the double message I grew up with.
@kamilleann9975 I'm sorry this happened to you but thank you for your comment because you just dropped a massive penny for me ❤❤ Hope you are well and thriving xxx
@@amerubix185if you met expectations, it was to be expected not rewarded/recognised... it was the bare minimum... or a result of their guidance/input. A reflection of their positive influence on you. If you ever faulted... it was to be expected... ordained... you are a failure, a disappointment, lazy, stupid etc
The fail to survive part is so true. I was struggling all my school life academically, and my friends would call me the funny one. Cut to i am in college, living in a university hostel and I am top of the class and nobody sees me as the funny one because i am not trying to be. Cut to life circumstances i end up at home after college and i am back to the same. Took me long time to accept the problem lies somewhere else and not in me. Edit: i was never supposed to be happy about my college achievements as they are not good enough as per my parents.
Wow life must be easy when you place your own shortcomings onto absolutely anything other than yourself, whether that be your environment, your family, or something even more arbitrary you haven’t identified yet.
My academically successful father always bullied me for being a bit "dumb" in his eyes, but when I lived up to his standards he was envious and bullied me again.
My mother was narcissistic and it was a nightmare growing up with her. She constantly emotionally and physically abused me. At the age of 14 I ran away from home for two years and eight months. I survived the streets but I was happy.
Took me many, many years to fully understand and realize that my mother was incredibly envious of the father/daughter relationship I had with my dad who I considered to be my hero, my best friend. He's a great dad and she was so jealous of this, that she literally became like the evil mother in all of those Disney movies that you see. Cold, unloving, mean, critical, downright malicious and manipulative. It took me until I was in my late 20s to figure this dynamic out, I thought it was just because that's who she was. It terrified me so much when I realized this, that I swore to never have children because I didnt ever want to end up like my mother and feel the same way towards my daughter and husband. I didnt want to repeat the cycle because I never had a loving accepting mother and didnt want to become her. Its actually really sad, the whole thing.
Trust me you won't repeat the cycle. The moment you became aware of this realization you BROKE the cycle and it won't be passed down in the next generation. You will be different from your mother, loving and caring. This is what it takes to break karmic generational cycle; self-awareness.
Then she won If you have no children because of your mother’s behaviour then the narcissist whose job is to derail your purpose has won and you chose to lose
Phrase from my dad: I only can leave if i know you are good and happy. My mom just did everything she could to make or keep me happy. Im blessed, i think. Much love to all of you ❤
Umm the envy from parents part. 💔 I always felt that from my mother. And every time I would I would feel dumb or guilt even tho I should’ve felt hate towards her. I always felt with so much potential but drowned by her negativity and lack of support. So I grew up afraid until I put a stop to her way of treating me. I am alone with my children and don’t have friends nor family I can count on. I been admitting to myself lately that I’m not alright and sort of depressed. I feel stuck
where you are is a pretty good time to find out what's making you feel that way and work towards changing it for yourself and your children. these negative states can be passed down in families. perhaps the healing of generational wounds can start with you with compassion for yourself. maybe it's time to see what you can do with your potential. the only time constraints you're on is your own and those that affect your children
Yeah, that beginning rings true to me. I was a bit of a class clown, despite being heavily depressed in my teens. I grew up with separated parents and with emotional neglect. I did not know I could go to my parents for reassurance or love. So seems to me that as a survival strategy, I have heavily adopted the roles of being a loving and protective mother/father, but also being very funny and silly. I have gotten to observe a phenomenon of new people stepping into my home, and all of them have said a variant of "it feels unconditional in here." So it also seem to be a truth, that I have somehow managed to adopt a very intense role of protection so people can relax in my presence. But it can slip into being a people pleaser, which is not good. Thankfully these days, I am on my own road to healing, and putting my own energy more into myself and the things I want in life. It is possible.
@khadija.10.07 you know when you was a child and you just needed that person to bring you out of that environment. To be the voice for you since you can not speak . Be that person be that change and it will break that cycle
My mom would always say what the kids are doing reflects on the parents. If the kids are unsubtly hostile to you, then the parents also dislike you/hostile.
@@khadija.10.07I see them as perfect examples on what not to be. Understand that you appreciate good times more because of hard times. You have to have the goal all your life to create a better life for your future offspring. Act like a parent before you are one. Surround yourself with positive people and settings and forgive your parents for their shortcomings.
As a father, if I ever put my shitty childhood (not always but a large portion) thank god for my mum, gran and papa I should mention, on my children and try to sabotage them progress, happiness or general well-being, then that’s the day god will take me from this earth. The only thing I ever done truly right with no question, was make those 3 kids. They’ll forever be my happiest moments and greatest ever creation and I want them to have the best, I want them to laugh and smile and feel safe and protected, appreciated and most importantly loved. And to hear “your the best dad in the world” had to be the sweetest melody my heart and soul can hear. God I love you guys so fucking much.
I realized that I carry deep childhood wounds and I started healing from my trauma... my father tried to "destroy" my childhood memories because he never had them
Is crazy how some families’ dynamic are. Is crazy, but i felt what he said. It really sad where kids are put in situations like this. I don’t know if it’s the generation: but in different generations things are still going to happen. And what we can do is to be educated on situations like this, and do our best to create safe, healthy environments for the children to grow. And protect them at all cost!!
I was considered a "child genius/gifted child" but it wasn't valued in my home correctly and I never found a way to be in spaces with academic peers growing up. I was also an undiagnosed autistic woman, so based on my social skills, people treated me like I was stupid, yet simultaneously were intimidated by my academic intelligence at that young age. I adopted a personality of the slightly clueless klutz/"the court jester" around my friends and family in order to be accepted. That way I was not intimidating and I leaned into the autistic faux-pas to not be excluded. This strategy only worked until my mid-20s, when social gaffes stopped being seen as funny. I don't think I was ever a particularly good comedienne though! Now without the coping mechanism it just revealed how lonely and unseen I always feel.
I definitely understand you so much...😢 everything partakes to me too, accept the exceptional academic scores. I don't think I'm autistic, but i have adhd. I want to hug you so much 💕💔 take care, Hun. Getting to know Jesus and who He is truly, through Holy Spirit helps a LOT, i know this from experience. I came to understand deeply that He truly loves us, more than we could imagine 💗🙏.
Yes this makes so much sense . They are envious to the point where they turn everyone against you . Its interesting , the thoughts that they have must be intense . Deep down they just dont like what they see in the mirror . These sorts of people dont want to level up and improve , they would rather cut others down to their size . All those negative emotions that run through their mind , directly impact internal organs and blood pressure .
My mom used to say that I was the sweet little bell of the house, always laughing or making jokes. In the other hand i think my dad was envious so with time i had become more serious, but I'm still me with my friends😎✨
One of Stephen King's well developed characters in his Dark Tower series is a great example of this. Eddie Dean is the character's name and what a horrible childhood he had but King gives this info to his readers only a page here and a couple pages there spread over four or five books that are each half a thousand pages long. Eddie - "Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken."
Yeah well, my dad was kind of jealous, him being a simple worker and me becoming a ceo of my own business with a phd. My solution was to move out as soon as I could ( I was 18), be independant and don't look back. He had been a lousy father anyway, and all I remember is negative shit.
I totally agree with the failure part . My own father is such an envious person.He literally hates it when his kids are happy and enjoying their lives.
His analysis is spot on..I grew up with a depressed parent and I had to be the witty and over barely loving kid. I still am as an adult.. And that parent is still depressed. Envious parent thing is shockingly real and old almost normal or expected..
For me, it was an older sister that was very violent towards me basically from my first memory (Not her fault at all btw - difficult situation and we are both neurodivergent but present opposite so we naturally clashed. Humor was my first skill because I noticed it is the human equivalent of swiping to the next video. A person can be about to kill you, add humor and you survive. Parents can be upset your sister almost killed you, add humor and now they are fun/normal again so we can watch tv like normal. Do something too impressive/intelligent and make people uncomfortable, add humor and now you are the class clown. It is perfect self defense against humans.
My father raised me saying "you will not do the work I do and will be in a good position where you sit under an AC till the work is done" I'm in a corporate now feeling trapped in the matrix but sometimes I feel good for want my parents have done for me.
Childs capability to adapt to surroundings are insanely high. We are divine beings and children are literally our future. Pls be aware of them, don't spoil their innocent with our insecuritys.
@londontrada ah yes - I knew his name - it was on the tip of my tongue, but it refused to go any further ! 🤣 What's the deal with his lack of hair - do you know ? Thank you for your reply 😊
@@londontrada oh - ok - wasn't sure if he had suffered from cancer or something. Clearly very intelligent man - hope he's around for many years to come.
The last thing he said slows my heart with a lingering sting and somehow I find it easy to ignore. The one of few times I don't want to ignore A root of my problems.
This guy is dead on. I didn't realize until I was a much older man that my dad could never accept that I was knowledgeable about things he wasn't. Basically I was forbidden to be smarter in any way. That's why I was put down as a child.
People not thinking about this stuff long enough to realize that this is largely the explanation for unhappy parents who arent necessarily abusive by standard definitions is sad. Its not a hard thing to consider the reasons like this and its important to give the world and its structure thought. But that guy visibly looked shocked by the revelation of parental envy. To not realize these things are out there is why we say ignorance is bliss
I can testify to that. parents were strange (gay, narcissistic father, quiet depressed mother) knew i couldn't get involved or get too close. Came out strong, funny, witty but very sad underneath having not really known my parents.
My dad always had something to say. Usually it wasn't nice. I shut down as a kid. I realized as an adult I just feel uncomfortable taking any responsibility. For celebratory occasions, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, fun times don't feel fun. In times when I should take accountability, I hide, try to look for the easy way out.
My mother was an academic. I was raised by grandparents till 13 then handed over to her. Never really loved me. Disliked everything about me. Even though I have a Master degree still not good enough. Surprisingly now that I am older, not as pretty and settled for a mediocre job, she actually shows me some compassion and love as a mother. I’m that sweet funny girl everyone likes but deep down the saddest. I completely understand people like Robin Williams.
It was painfully obvious that my life wasn’t right, when my high school friends responded to me in the ways that they did. We all didn’t have the best parents… so I thought that everything would be a mutual understanding. However, I would shrug things off or laugh/joke at others… and my friends would look to me with concern and pause. They would correct my reactions, and ask if I was okay. That shook me, because I had normalized my coping mechanisms, and we all had our own bad situations and abuses at home. In some ways I felt they had it worse, but having them look to me like I was the one worser off truly shocked the system. We don’t realize how unjustly we are treated, we only notice others pains. We don’t value ourselves enough to give ourselves credit. We all belittle our own experiences. I think my gentle and kind nature is what really caught people’s attention. The contrast of perceived realities is concerning.
trust me when I said the man spoken the truth about envious parent. where one parent cannot stand their children's own success. I've known such a person and it is heartbreaking to know nothing can stop the parent from feeling that, whereas the child want all the happiness from this world for that parent but with a limit of their means
Needing to fail… was my cross to bare. Only person who was behind whatever I wanted to do…. Even suggest further was my mother. Shes dead now heart failure while I was serving. Im living for me now. I have been where myself isnt enough to get out of bed. Im alone and have more peace than ever. Ppl come and go… but im safe. I dont understand what safe is, emotionally that is. I know it whats right though. I dont know what the future will bring. I am afraid. But What I do know… I know this. I walk into my future or limp I dont care but I am doing it and if it means I go as far as my will take me or no further than the couch. I am on my own and none of those people are directing me and If I die it will be because of me and what I wanted to do. You can explain to people till your blue in the face why you need to do what is best for you. It’s not you. Your not using the wrong words. There is not a bridge the two parties are building together. *It’s you building a bridge that no one will cross.* Cut your losses do what you need to do to heal than build new some where else.
This guy just gave vocabulary to what most people have gone through but haven't been able to express in words.
This is raw and true. Many of us have had to sacrifice our voice because no matter what, our voice was never heard.
HARD T R U T H !!!😮😢
@@genevieveandre3317
🌹❤️🩹
Happened to me. No matter what I said I was never acknowledged, I was never right. It got to the point where talking to my immediate family hurt my voice cause I was forcing my voice. The only choice in these circumstances is to walk away.
"some parents ...cannot bear that their child who they've put on the earth should be happier than they've managed to be..." This really hurts when you sense it.
Naw, it just shows that parents can be really petty and despicable, and you hope the child is strong willed and excells academically anyway.
Child of a narsist
😢sad truth
Yes
This is very true, even aunts and uncles envy their siblings children as well and don't want them growing up better or happier than them.
“People who are very funny often grew up in circumstances that were not funny at all”
That’s a lightbulb moment for me. I’ll never forget this
Hit me like a ton of bricks....😅😅😅
I see this in multiple generations of my family. My grandmother hated my mother, and abused her all 65 years of her life. My mother was better than her in every aspect of her being and her other three siblings are the absolute opposite. My grandmother treats them very differently. I am so much like my mother, now that she is gone, I am the target of that abuse. And all of my life, I recognized my mother's pain and bore witness to the last 35 years of that abuse. I loved making her laugh. I did anything I could to distract her from the pain. I never looked at these dynamics in this light and this all brings me to tears. I cry all the time thinking about the life of pain my mother lived and I actually find peace in knowing she's free now.
Yeah wow I weeped for her too you’re a light aren’t you x
@616CC Thank you, from one light to another. I don't know what was harder, watching her suffer or letting her go. I was her relief from the suffering and I knew that my whole life, and letting her go was the final and ultimate relief from it all. She was my everything, my true soulmate. People have this idea that a soulmate is someone you meet and fall in love with and marry. That's not always the case. My soulmate is my mother. A piece of me left when she left. Life turned into a black and white silent film when she left. Music turned to noise, colors dulled out. There isn't anyone to make laugh. Time sped up around me as I move in slow motion. It's been 2 and a half years and I still struggle to feel complete. I felt a part of my light leave. But I know she's waiting for me. She was the best human I've ever met. She spent her every waking moment taking care of everyone before herself, even the people that hurt her the most, and taught me to be a decent human being. To love others despite how they may treat me. To be just and fair, kind and understanding. She taught me how to shine so I won't let my pain stop my light, just like she didn't. Thank you for listening, I love you for that 💜
@@Falulitaand you are so accurate on the music, everything going black and white, and all that made you smile has that bittersweet thing no matter how hard u try to look at it😢 I KNOW they are better now, better than us, where they deserve to be, in absolute light and peace, waiting for us in the eternal🌌to come home💫💫🌬️
😢 oh SubhaanalLah so sorry to her that.
@sofiasedlbauerova4726 Thank you, your words are beautiful and I feel that you truly feel me. Home, that is exactly where they are. Eternally in peace and shrouded in love. They deserve it. I look up to the stars, specifically the middle one of Orions belt, for reasons specific to my mother and me. I know she's there, it's brighter than it used to be. We used to go to concerts all the time, music was our escape from the pain. We both sang and played instruments, read and write music. We both crochet and would consider ourselves fiber artists, I always thought she could see more colors than the average person because of the things that she would create and the beauty she would see in things most people wouldn't. She is amazing. She triumphed through it all, so my mission is to continue to spread that kind of love and light. I think you might be on a similar journey 💜 The music and the colors will continue to flow from my heart, my soul, to anyone willing to receive it. I hear your music and see your colors even with the world between us. Sisters in light and love 🙏🏻❤️🔥🪽✨️
The most truthful thing I ve heard about mini societies called families.. 👏🏻
The part where he says ' some parents can not bear their child to be more happy than them' is absolutely true.
It amazes me how many people are impressed by hearing that
@@anitadiaz733because it tends to not be the case they experienced. Most people are not jerks, ergo most parents aren't.
Sorry if yours were but that is not as common as you think. People are just normal, and to want it better for yours than you have is a pretty common thing.
My mother even told me that she hates that people treat me like a princess. Pitch, I have your DNA!!! You should feel pride. Good thing I grew up.
mine. :(
Having someone named Raskolnikov being ignorant of different life experiences and the possibility of knowledge of this without experiencing it is kinda funny
I am a person who doesn’t have many friends, but with my way of being, humor, smile, positive attitude, and natural wit, I attract people to me. However, I have never admitted to anyone, not even my family, that I’ve been through several rounds of therapy and have been treating anxiety and depression for over 5 years, with breaks. The funniest thing is that the deeper the hole I’m in, the more humorous and witty I become, even though at times I can barely keep myself from falling apart.
Be careful you are not entertaining your therapist. Someone had to let me know that was what I was doing. It wasn't a therpist. The problem with therapyit it had me focusing on everything wrong with my life and nothing right with it. I hope you have more luck.
Do you have ADHD? If not just have a look into it…❤
So you basically choose to be depressed and then ask for sympathy from your shrink?
@@hiufgterde People like you make the world suck.
@@hiufgterde If you haven’t experienced that, just be quiet and move on. Everyone is different and you should be more considerate, rather than just be a negative force of nature that does zero good for anyone, including yourself. Being negative not only poisons others, but yourself from the inside out. I hope that resonates with you and you enjoy the rest of your Christmas holiday. Be good. Do good🙏❤️
My son in law is a great person who rarely acknowledges or shows off his successes. I was chatting with him one day about being so modest on promotions or other occasions he should be very proud of himself. He said his brother is autistic and as they were growing up he was always told to be quiet about 100s on tests or anything else he accomplished bc it would make the brother feel sad or upset bc his scores were low. This man is so smart & so humble but not bc he wants to be. It’s engrained in his mind & heart not to ever take any credit for his actions. He told me in high school he had scored the highest scores in the class many times and told his mom who said BE QUIET ABOUT THAT BC YOUR BROTHER GOT AN 11% out of 60.. he said but mom I got a 60 and I got the bonus points too. His dad stood up and started to take his belt off - he said he didn’t want to hear him saying that again or else. Such a humble young man he is but for all the wrong reasons! We celebrate his milestones and he was a little shook at first. Now he smiles and jokes about his achievements as a buffer.. He only does it with us tho.. when he goes to visit his family he reverts to his old self and says nothing about the good things that happen to him. Surviving on another level as a child to adult and leaving his parents never knowing it wasn’t normal. We’re always proud of him and we tell him it may have been normal in his family but it isn’t the norm in most. I truly hope he gets it right when he & my daughter have children❤ celebrating their achievements and leaving the other junk behind.
Aww you became the family he deserves. ❤️❤️
Yup, that's imposter syndrome. Can't ever feel proud or accomplished because we weren't given attention as children. Our brains can't comprehend praise or admiration. Causes a bunch of mixed emotions. Another thing is if your friends and family are worse off than you, it can really cause tension. I'm glad you're giving your son inlaw the praise he deserves. My in law grand parents recently had a competing business cater an event because my wife and I are "doing good enough and make too much already." There exact words lol
You just reminded me of the mothers of my former girlfriends. I am so grateful for the families of my girlfriends were always so welcoming. All best for you and your son-in-law!
@@Willitbeoverwhat
Glad he now has a normal loving family he is part of. ❤
True ....humor can save your spirit sometimes ....saved my life ❤
Mine too. ❤ Mama was negative and hated me and my younger bro. the middle son tho awful was cherished. but beibg funny hot wired my brain to lift me above the abuse. it really did. I loved her more than she knew. but thats ok. im now 69 and she died in 1996. so I'm still here. and truly happy. 🎉❤❤❤
"Families are difficult places" 💔
After all you don't choose them, seek them out...rather get delt them
Life itself is difficult my boy. But the truth is there is beauty and fulfillment too if you just face it.
@@letsthinkbriefly3761
While your statement is true, that was not the point. The point was that "Families are difficult places."
It's so tough. Only near the end of her life did I realize my mother had been depressed probably her whole life. Given her childhood abuse and later depression, I am impressed she did as well as she did in life.
This is 💯the truth! Broken people are some of the funniest people I know.
I'm broken and I'm funny no one gives a fuck 😂
The truth behind the phrase, 'if you didn't laugh, you'd cry'.
My therapist was telling me this, and she ended it with I was one of the funniest patients she had. We would spend an hour in laughter, straight tears running down our faces. I don't know how to present anything that is not a joke for the most part. I grew up in h3ll. I had two abusive, neglectful substance abusing parents.
I often noticed that actors who have a genuine gift gift to make you laugh always excel in tragic roles.
I know how u feel, u gotta have that in ur life somewhere
I just had a fight with my bf because he just make jokes all the time. He cannot be serious any moment, and he is clumsy on purpose. Do you think is the same as you? Maybe he is sad.
@alejandramarquez6804 he may not be sad sad. But there may be a permanent under current of sadness. Did he have a difficult childhood? I use irony, and I purposefully am clumsy or do things wrong as a joke all the time. I never make another person the butt of the joke, nor do I pick on others. I'm always making jokes about myself or of the situation. I also have a really, really hard time taking anything seriously because everything in my childhood was dramatic, violent, or tragic, now serious things that bother other people just seem mild or even a slight inconvenience to me. I tend to make light of it because, honestly, it's nowhere near as bad as most of the situations I've lived through.
You're a women.
Women just aren't funny you're psychiatrist was lying to you.
It makes a lot of sense, I was raised in a family with brutal amount of shouting and arguments, and my parents always screamed about getting a divorce etc, I would come in and try to negotiate an agreement so that they would stop fighting and now as an adult people tell me that I am very compassionate, I always try to defend the other person, eg when my girlfriend says something bad about what a coworker did to her, my first reaction is to find a plausible reason which would explain the coworkers behavior so that my gf is no longer angry at him, but then if I were to meet the coworker, I would be trying to justify my gf’s actions - my parents always tell me that I only defend other people and that I think they are the worst, but the constant need for conflict resolution as a child made me behave like this by default
You just explained a lot of my reactions and how that started for me, thanks. I knew this, but hadn’t put it together quite like that.
Bro. Me too and I never realized it.
when it comes to conflict resolution, wouldn’t people like to feel like you are on their side? wouldn’t they get angrier if you defend the other party without making them feel understood first
@@crunchy_bubble if you pick sides, the other side gets more angry - pretty much sums it up
It's like you have copied my life story!
So uncannily similar.
Narcissistic parents can be very jealous of their children !!!
That word is so over used. Just stop it.
@@NamasteInYourLane I know a couple of narcissists who are very resentful and sneering toward their children and grandchildrens successes. They tick every box for narcissists, him more than her, but don't tell me the word is over-used and don't tell others. They know the people they're talking about. You don't.
@@NamasteInYourLaneit is overused, I agree with you. However, actual diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder is absolutely rampant these days. And a lot of people genuinely struggle with these abusive people. You can't say whether the commenter actually knows one or not. Because you don't know them.
And they're absolutely spot on. Jealously of their children IS an extremely common trait of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Just be kind. You have no idea what another person has or is going through. Or what their qualifications are! They could be a psychiatrist for all we know.
My Parents. Especially my mother.
@@NamasteInYourLane because they're all over. It seems over the top.
Im a woman, native American and french, grew up on a rez, my mom made me have short hair. Can you imagine. Like demi moore in ghost. For years. My parents never praised me for anything. Never gave compliments. From 8, on every weekend i was alone. Theyd go to the bar until close. Again and agin id call the bar to see when they would come home. Always oh, in a little while. Never had nice anything. Never. They did. My dad always had good boots. And good jeans. Name brand. My mom had good shirts and sweatshirts. Name brand. I had garbage clothes. I even had hand me down shoes from my cousin who lived in government housing with her single no work mom. We were in the same grade, and im wearing her old shoes. I was class clown at school. I was work clown at any job i ever had. I felt like I had nothing else to offer besides being somewhat funny. I got together with my husband and i could finally tell someone how i felt. I dont have to be funny to be liked. I can just be me.
Oh ❤ i have memories of calling the bar too. Every hour i could understand less of what mom was saying. I was up all night waiting and when my mom came home she layed on the couch i gave her a pillow take of her shoes put a blanket over her gave a night kiss. Then cry in my bed and go to school next day. Happy to be grown up. I dont know u but i am very proud of you for being so strong i thank god that your life changed and u have a good partner. ❤ may all your days be joyfull and blessed.
@Melissa_TP omg this made my eyes well up😢. I went thru this too. We lived above the bar that my parents owned...I would call all night. I would be so upset with my mom the next day, I wanted her to know my pain. But I couldn't stay mad very long bc I love her so much. She's passed on now and I miss her everyday. Thank you for sharing your experiences and making me feel less alone❤❤❤❤❤
I'm glad you found that special person you could be yourself with. My husband saved me too.
How were you guys able to even find a husband with so much trauma. I feel that one of the worst consequences of my life being sabotaged by my parents is not being able to make myself loved by anyone...
That hit home. I sometimes wonder if parents don't realise that one day you will be a grown up who can see behind all of that BS. When I was a kid I was always wondering and also a bit sad, why all the shops we went to to buy my clothes were smelly and dull with a not too fancy selection of clothes. Until many years later I realised these were secondhand shops. And that realisation wouldn't have been too bad if I wouldn't have realised at the same time that the shops we went to to buy stuff for my mother were fancy-shmancy luxury labels. No need to mention that I was bullied at school for my not too fancy sense of fashion.
This is true. My mom was envy of my appearance and she continuously was repeating to me that I'm gonna be unwanted, nobody gonna want me, nobody gonna want me ..
Guess what did that do to my psyche? And guess how that effected my developmant into adult and the entire life story.
We have to remember that mom is just a "broken" woman herself who got a child , but that doesn't mean that she magicaly become a nobel woman .
I feel you. On one side I was the trophy child for my mom and on the other side she was full of envy. And so was my dad. Took me a while until I realised that. For my mom it was my appearance and for my dad my choice of profession. And the most "funny" thing was, that after a life struggling with men bothering me like flies on a cow's ar*e, she said to me one day: No wonder that men don't like you. 😆😅😓
My "mother" said 'I know what's it like to be fat and no one loves you'
I hadn't been aware that I was either fat or unlovable before then
yes I get this. It is hard to to battle these engrained thoughts even with more logical thoughts when you get to be an adult...just because no part of you believes any different, your default is all this faulty programming. It is a struggle
I remember the day that i reliced than my mother does not really loves me. I bringed a girl home, she was a beutifull girl just like a barbie: Blond, tall, amazing body shape. Yeah and olso very silly but what really made me get in to her was her deep kindness.
So we sit and eated everything was nice and funny but then my father left to work and my girl when to the bathroom and my mother wispered to me than she was too much for me. I asked not undertanding:
"What do you mean?"
She repeated:
"Just that, she is too much for you..." And i saw a little subtle grin.
Then i answer her very detach from her opinion: "I am the one who fuck her... So...."
She forced a smile and my girlfrend came back from the bathroom and my mother started to talk about many shamefull things front of her trying to make me unsecure.
At the moment i did not undertander what was going on but then i reliced than she was a narsisit and needed help. It's hard so far but i can say than thanks to my mother now i can spot a narcissist from far away.
We still working on our relation, i do not think she is going to heal. Me probably either. (narcissism is generacional.)
Words i will never forget from my mother "who would want (to be around) you anyway" a few times she said this to me and each time struck a chord. I'm still convinced I can't ever be truly wanted. That I'm being tolerated.
Your last line is exactly right. So many people have children but are entirely unprepared to actually be parents. The children will always suffer for it.
We can only work to do better
"dynamics occur that go way beyond what we're ordinarily prepared to tolerate" is honestly the most accurate description for my experience. i no longer talk to these people because i am still not prepared to tolerate that shit
💯 agree
Face it and just don't give a fuck after - literally - just tell yourself I don't give fuck what the result is. Life changes.
@@RyanKing-q2m
Be clear: are you telling people to attend gatherings and to engage with those abusers? You used the word "result." That means there is a precursory event to that "result." If they don't want to be there or to engage with those people, then they don't. Other than not caring, the rest of your comment is unclear. You're telling them to not care about the result. What result?
That is so so true, some parents are envious.
My mother. Envious and cannot bear.
That’s exactly my dad 😢😢😢
This is very true... my mother was very jealous of me, and i didnt deserve anything that she did not get also... as an adult i became her competition.. she would even spread untrue rumors about me with my own friends.. i only found out when my friends informed me... i was made to feel guilty about anything good in my life because according to her, she deserved it and i did not.. those guilt trips that started when i was a child had a tight grasp on me and i did everything i could to try and please her, but i never could 🙏🏻💔
Yes. I still have my mothers voice in my head that im not worthy. I internalised everything and feel like a failure..
@nikiepunt8631 same 🙏🏻❤️.. my mother passed in 2020, and the effects still linger..
You are still here and trying, which says to me you are anything but a failure ❤️❤️
You are accepted and loved by a good Father, who is waiting for you yo run in His arms, who loves you so dearly He gave His only Son for us, for you. I pray you can forgive your mom and be free in the name of Jesus, amen ❤
I have tried to be authentically and lovingly connected with my boys, and I hope they will be better parents than me.
Same here!!! Did we have the same mother? 52 and finally becoming who I was created to be not who she made me be in order to survive living in my house.
The more I Know God's love the more I am free to be who I was created to be. ❤
So true!!! So many people don't understand this.
Love this guy. Absolute genius. And full of empathy.
I love Alain de Botton!! Such a wise & insightful man
I read something that made a lot of sense.
It said that comedians often suffer mentally because their comedy is often based on something that they were teased or ridiculed for as a kid. Chris Farley's bit was that he was fat. Robin Williams often joked about depression.
The problem is that by using those things to get a laugh from a crowd, they never really get to escape them. It serves as a constant reminder about their problems as they put on a mask and pretend it's funny when they're really hurting inside.
We use comedy as a defense mechanism.
It's too reductive to treat people with such a broad brush.
Wanting to make others laugh isn't a diagnosis of whatever garden-variety label one chooses. People are complex mixtures of drives, motivations, features, and desires that resist dime-store flowchart analysis.
Insinuating that all comedians are 'wounded' is pathologizing, which itself is a problem.
@@jessicaroberts8090 Comedy _can_ be used as a defense. So can treating others kindly. So can treating others _poorly._ Get it? *_Anything_* can be a defense, that why it takes a trained specialist _months_ to work out the patterns that may (or may not!) point out particular defenses. Psychologists typically eek such things out from monitoring their own transferences, but that is more a complicated topic for those doing their training for their master's degree.
Defenses are not things that can be looked up on a simple chart with two columns.
Thank you for posting this. This is so true. And it helps to hear it.
not just parents that affect children, siblings affect siblings as well. i have anxiety and always try to be a background character because my older sister would always put me down if i did anything that was above her. i don't speak to her anymore but it still affects me to this day. hard wired into my system and i can't figure out how to break it.
Couldn't agree more with this statement.
Spot on. And I never imagined how nasty the sister of my mother really was until my mother died and I kind of inherited her position in the family.
Mindfulness, the voice is installed in you... With mindfulness you can learn to move around cutting the inner input. She probably noticed she could get away with that bullying and that it has an effect on you.
At age 9, I ended up at a fancy private school, where it was suddenly made apparent to me that I was an odd child.
The teasing hurt, but not as much as my younger sister telling me "my friends think you're weird." I held onto that idea for so many years, and I doubt she ever understood how deeply it affected me.
It's taken me a long time to become comfortable in my own weird skin, especially around my siblings' friends. Today I try to embrace all of myself without fear, and encourage others to do the same.
I'm Sorry, I wish you the best and full healing 🩷
In Elementary, I was quiet and mostly invisible to others. In High School, I unconsciously evolved to being this hilarious, witty and even became the go-to person for laughs and a good time.
I realized 20 years after that it was a coping mechanism. Making myself feel good to mask pain. My family was dysfunctional, to say the least.
By the way, I still can’t watch anything by Robin Williams. He was giving joy to people, while masking his depression, anguish and pain.
Without humour I’d honestly be dead.. it’s literally my therapy
Same. Humour and the gym.
I wonder if its unhealthy or is it always linked to parental thing that been discussed here 🤔
Congrats! You've had the worse childhood in history! Feel better?
@@Admiral-mi1bf seriously? This person is brave for sharing that. They have had to come to terms with their reality and self-reflect, the latter of which you obviously don't do.
And don't come at me with 'this is a joke', jokes are supposed to be funny, this isn't.
@@kikip2791 oh you think my praise was a joke? I'm being serious. Congrats on having the worse childhood in history, he won! That's something people like him seek. It's pathetic but that's what they need. We all have crappy childhoods, people like this need to make it competition and use it as an excuse. Having the worse childhood and letting people know won't help you. You can cry to someone else about it
Parents who are envious of their children are also envious of everyone else. They can’t see someone else happy or smiling that they have to try to crush it.
Not too sure about that. My mom was a super friendly and empathetic nature. Until it came to me. :( But doesn't make life any better when no one can imagine what is really going on behind closed doors.
They often want to give "permission to live" to others.
I’ve experienced that on a regular basis and it’s affected me not well at all.
@@amerubix185 she wasn't empathic. she was fake
but they only care of their child
And this is will be one of the reasons I tell people why some people shouldn't be parents when they want to argue with me about it.
Thank you so much for what you said at the last part. Families can be very difficult places indeed. "And dynamics occur that can go beyond what we've been prepared to."
SO On Point! As a first University graduate, I'll never forget the classic- Why do you think you know more than me?
Mine was "you think you are all that and better than us because you went to university " 😢
And of course you do know more in reality.
@@hania.1827they clearly have self worth issues.
This is one of the most accurate and concise descriptions I’ve heard of this experience to date. So incredibly grateful to have stumbled upon this ❤
I love this man! He honestly made me feel more self acceptance after hearing him explain this.. and honestly my mind was blown hearing triggers for why I tend to act or be a certain way.. thank u
Parent envy is so real! And it does not get talked about enough. It’s just as destructive over the long run as some forms of physical abuse, and the damage can be very hard to untangle and heal because it’s left no physical scars. I remember when I stopped sharing my successes and achievements with my parents, I was 9. I was so young, but I instinctively knew through conditioning that any success I had would be taken by my parents and used to give them value, or else demeaned or treated with sarcasm so that I wouldn’t feel as if I was better than them. None of this was done with direct insults, yelling, or abusive language, it was all very passive aggressive, subtle, tactical. In that way, I could never quite put my little finger on what made me feel bad about doing well, I just knew I did.
parent that are envy should not be parents, disgusting
Omg the thing u said about "in some families you should fail" omg I never thought about this, actually, my father was like that 💔
Thought about that often already. 😞 All the worse, when you should at the same time meet the expectations of your parents so that they can brag about their offspring and then again you are also being bullied for it because they can't stand your success either. Not to mention that I was dropped like a hot potato after a severe stroke of fate that did not fit into the picture.
This was one of the best and most honest conversations that I've heard in a long time. Thank you for this!
My mother would always critique my looks when I was a small child, then teenager. I have never believed a single word she would say about me. I loved the way I looked. I had good hair, awesome body and etc. she just loved to belittle me because she hated my father. How sad is that.
I relate. My mother hated my father and vice versa. One example: 'You would be pretty if you didn't have your father's nose'.
My humor absolutely comes from my carrying my mother's depression around for 40 years. My utter perfectionism comes from trying to prevent fires so I didn't have to put them out. Survival of the fittest at its finest 🙄 Some family's are extremely difficult places... thank you for acknowledging it.
How could any parent think like that towards their child. Since having my daughter I feel like my sole purpose now is to be sure she is always happier than I’ve ever been / am
Amén!!!
I can happen if you have to have a child you do not want.
Some parents might feel like the child ruined their live. Which is immensely sad, because a child never does.
But if you have no financial, emotional and family support and your live becomes a constant struggle and you constantly have to give more than you have, because there is no one to share the load... it might make someone feel like that.
Do take a little care there - you want her to be able to come to you with her problems, and if she knows her job is to be happy, she may not ever want you to know she is sad.
@@ElenMiraor if you're expecting a mini me and the child strays from that narrative
Amen, agreed
My dad wanted me to fail in school. When I would do bad he would say, “that’s okay you’re dumb like me.” 😊
Alain De Botton is amazing. Such a profound thinker.
Powerful stuff! Every child needs to hear this fantastic insight.
This makes sense.. i always wonder how i hate competition, winning, etc. when I was at school and even at work. I am a perfectionist but at the same time i hate the limelight to be noticed when im doi g something great. Growing up in an envious and unstructured environment
So spot on! 💯
And I guess on one side they set their standards so high that they were barely reachable (perfectionism) but when you reached them nevertheless, they were envious (hiding). At least that's the double message I grew up with.
@kamilleann9975 I'm sorry this happened to you but thank you for your comment because you just dropped a massive penny for me ❤❤ Hope you are well and thriving xxx
Are you me 😮😮😮😮😮😮 I’m going to screenshot this !!!!!!!!!!
@@amerubix185if you met expectations, it was to be expected not rewarded/recognised... it was the bare minimum... or a result of their guidance/input. A reflection of their positive influence on you.
If you ever faulted... it was to be expected... ordained... you are a failure, a disappointment, lazy, stupid etc
That parents would be envious of their children, really got me. That might be even be sicker than the rest.
The fail to survive part is so true. I was struggling all my school life academically, and my friends would call me the funny one. Cut to i am in college, living in a university hostel and I am top of the class and nobody sees me as the funny one because i am not trying to be. Cut to life circumstances i end up at home after college and i am back to the same. Took me long time to accept the problem lies somewhere else and not in me.
Edit: i was never supposed to be happy about my college achievements as they are not good enough as per my parents.
Wow life must be easy when you place your own shortcomings onto absolutely anything other than yourself, whether that be your environment, your family, or something even more arbitrary you haven’t identified yet.
@@azovandy14.88 we are human beings who are affected by our environments.... that's not blaming them, but recognizing there is a problem
Same here!!!!
My academically successful father always bullied me for being a bit "dumb" in his eyes, but when I lived up to his standards he was envious and bullied me again.
My mother was narcissistic and it was a nightmare growing up with her. She constantly emotionally and physically abused me. At the age of 14 I ran away from home for two years and eight months. I survived the streets but I was happy.
Took me many, many years to fully understand and realize that my mother was incredibly envious of the father/daughter relationship I had with my dad who I considered to be my hero, my best friend. He's a great dad and she was so jealous of this, that she literally became like the evil mother in all of those Disney movies that you see. Cold, unloving, mean, critical, downright malicious and manipulative. It took me until I was in my late 20s to figure this dynamic out, I thought it was just because that's who she was. It terrified me so much when I realized this, that I swore to never have children because I didnt ever want to end up like my mother and feel the same way towards my daughter and husband. I didnt want to repeat the cycle because I never had a loving accepting mother and didnt want to become her. Its actually really sad, the whole thing.
thank you for this
Trust me you won't repeat the cycle. The moment you became aware of this realization you BROKE the cycle and it won't be passed down in the next generation. You will be different from your mother, loving and caring. This is what it takes to break karmic generational cycle; self-awareness.
Then she won
If you have no children because of your mother’s behaviour then the narcissist whose job is to derail your purpose has won and you chose to lose
Break the chain!
Phrase from my dad:
I only can leave if i know you are good and happy.
My mom just did everything she could to make or keep me happy.
Im blessed, i think.
Much love to all of you ❤
Umm the envy from parents part. 💔 I always felt that from my mother. And every time I would I would feel dumb or guilt even tho I should’ve felt hate towards her. I always felt with so much potential but drowned by her negativity and lack of support. So I grew up afraid until I put a stop to her way of treating me. I am alone with my children and don’t have friends nor family I can count on. I been admitting to myself lately that I’m not alright and sort of depressed. I feel stuck
where you are is a pretty good time to find out what's making you feel that way and work towards changing it for yourself and your children. these negative states can be passed down in families. perhaps the healing of generational wounds can start with you with compassion for yourself. maybe it's time to see what you can do with your potential. the only time constraints you're on is your own and those that affect your children
"needing to fail" is very real I promise
Yes ver true and very sad
Robin Williams.....Jim Carey.....Lucille Ball
....Carol Brunette.....to name a few
Yeah, that beginning rings true to me. I was a bit of a class clown, despite being heavily depressed in my teens. I grew up with separated parents and with emotional neglect. I did not know I could go to my parents for reassurance or love.
So seems to me that as a survival strategy, I have heavily adopted the roles of being a loving and protective mother/father, but also being very funny and silly.
I have gotten to observe a phenomenon of new people stepping into my home, and all of them have said a variant of "it feels unconditional in here." So it also seem to be a truth, that I have somehow managed to adopt a very intense role of protection so people can relax in my presence.
But it can slip into being a people pleaser, which is not good.
Thankfully these days, I am on my own road to healing, and putting my own energy more into myself and the things I want in life. It is possible.
I agree. I’m a jokester but I had a lot of trauma as a kid.
This is gold. Thank you.
Can we have a full podcast? It is very great. Would like to listen full. ❤❤
th-cam.com/video/_2mea6WdEI8/w-d-xo.html
@KillaOfKings thank you so much 🫶🙏🙏
THANK YOU @killaofkings
What is amazing is when I heard him speak I instantly went "school of life" 😂 a truely great channel i had forgottwn about until now
I always said:
“ A kid is THE HIDDEN MENTAL HEALTH of parents”
It explains everything.
Well said
What do u think, how can one break out of the inherited or parental mental problems into their own mentality or approch towards things in life
@khadija.10.07 you know when you was a child and you just needed that person to bring you out of that environment. To be the voice for you since you can not speak . Be that person be that change and it will break that cycle
My mom would always say what the kids are doing reflects on the parents. If the kids are unsubtly hostile to you, then the parents also dislike you/hostile.
@@khadija.10.07I see them as perfect examples on what not to be. Understand that you appreciate good times more because of hard times. You have to have the goal all your life to create a better life for your future offspring. Act like a parent before you are one. Surround yourself with positive people and settings and forgive your parents for their shortcomings.
As a father, if I ever put my shitty childhood (not always but a large portion) thank god for my mum, gran and papa I should mention, on my children and try to sabotage them progress, happiness or general well-being, then that’s the day god will take me from this earth.
The only thing I ever done truly right with no question, was make those 3 kids. They’ll forever be my happiest moments and greatest ever creation and I want them to have the best, I want them to laugh and smile and feel safe and protected, appreciated and most importantly loved. And to hear “your the best dad in the world” had to be the sweetest melody my heart and soul can hear. God I love you guys so fucking much.
I realized that I carry deep childhood wounds and I started healing from my trauma... my father tried to "destroy" my childhood memories because he never had them
Is crazy how some families’ dynamic are. Is crazy, but i felt what he said. It really sad where kids are put in situations like this. I don’t know if it’s the generation: but in different generations things are still going to happen. And what we can do is to be educated on situations like this, and do our best to create safe, healthy environments for the children to grow. And protect them at all cost!!
I was considered a "child genius/gifted child" but it wasn't valued in my home correctly and I never found a way to be in spaces with academic peers growing up.
I was also an undiagnosed autistic woman, so based on my social skills, people treated me like I was stupid, yet simultaneously were intimidated by my academic intelligence at that young age.
I adopted a personality of the slightly clueless klutz/"the court jester" around my friends and family in order to be accepted. That way I was not intimidating and I leaned into the autistic faux-pas to not be excluded.
This strategy only worked until my mid-20s, when social gaffes stopped being seen as funny. I don't think I was ever a particularly good comedienne though!
Now without the coping mechanism it just revealed how lonely and unseen I always feel.
I definitely understand you so much...😢 everything partakes to me too, accept the exceptional academic scores. I don't think I'm autistic, but i have adhd. I want to hug you so much 💕💔 take care, Hun. Getting to know Jesus and who He is truly, through Holy Spirit helps a LOT, i know this from experience. I came to understand deeply that He truly loves us, more than we could imagine 💗🙏.
i'm also an autistic woman who grew up in an extremely abusive family. I know what you mean. The loneliness gets to me a lot
Yes this makes so much sense .
They are envious to the point where they turn everyone against you . Its interesting , the thoughts that they have must be intense . Deep down they just dont like what they see in the mirror .
These sorts of people dont want to level up and improve , they would rather cut others down to their size .
All those negative emotions that run through their mind , directly impact internal organs and blood pressure .
My mom used to say that I was the sweet little bell of the house, always laughing or making jokes. In the other hand i think my dad was envious so with time i had become more serious, but I'm still me with my friends😎✨
Thank you for sharing this.
My god ist that true. My mother is only happy when she can interfere and ruin our relationships. Because her husband died.
This came at a great time. I love hearing him speak
It’s a horrible experience when you have a parent who is jealous of you. HORRIBLE!
Especially when both are jealous of you because you have no where to hide.
One of Stephen King's well developed characters in his Dark Tower series is a great example of this.
Eddie Dean is the character's name and what a horrible childhood he had but King gives this info to his readers only a page here and a couple pages there spread over four or five books that are each half a thousand pages long.
Eddie - "Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken."
Yeah well, my dad was kind of jealous, him being a simple worker and me becoming a ceo of my own business with a phd. My solution was to move out as soon as I could ( I was 18), be independant and don't look back. He had been a lousy father anyway, and all I remember is negative shit.
I had that. I agree
I totally agree with the failure part . My own father is such an envious person.He literally hates it when his kids are happy and enjoying their lives.
Where can I find the full interview 🙏 ?
Alain de Botton: why we look for familiarity and not happiness in relationships
His analysis is spot on..I grew up with a depressed parent and I had to be the witty and over barely loving kid. I still am as an adult.. And that parent is still depressed. Envious parent thing is shockingly real and old almost normal or expected..
For me, it was an older sister that was very violent towards me basically from my first memory (Not her fault at all btw - difficult situation and we are both neurodivergent but present opposite so we naturally clashed. Humor was my first skill because I noticed it is the human equivalent of swiping to the next video. A person can be about to kill you, add humor and you survive. Parents can be upset your sister almost killed you, add humor and now they are fun/normal again so we can watch tv like normal. Do something too impressive/intelligent and make people uncomfortable, add humor and now you are the class clown. It is perfect self defense against humans.
It's a little shocking how much this describes me
Are you my parallel universe?
My father raised me saying "you will not do the work I do and will be in a good position where you sit under an AC till the work is done" I'm in a corporate now feeling trapped in the matrix but sometimes I feel good for want my parents have done for me.
Childs capability to adapt to surroundings are insanely high. We are divine beings and children are literally our future. Pls be aware of them, don't spoil their innocent with our insecuritys.
Liked and commented because you cite your sources! THANK YOU
Dudes hanging onto that last patch of hair
I recognise him, but can't remember his name - he's a Philosopher I think ?
@jamesbarbour8400 it's Alain de Botton
@londontrada ah yes - I knew his name - it was on the tip of my tongue, but it refused to go any further ! 🤣
What's the deal with his lack of hair - do you know ?
Thank you for your reply 😊
@@jamesbarbour8400 I think he's just bald 🤷♂️
@@londontrada oh - ok - wasn't sure if he had suffered from cancer or something. Clearly very intelligent man - hope he's around for many years to come.
Dark secrets of families throughout 😂
The last thing he said slows my heart with a lingering sting and somehow I find it easy to ignore. The one of few times I don't want to ignore A root of my problems.
Being physically strong and durable is what I remember being praised the most often for not just my parents but their friends as well
That Jimmy Carr quote is so real.
This guy is dead on. I didn't realize until I was a much older man that my dad could never accept that I was knowledgeable about things he wasn't. Basically I was forbidden to be smarter in any way. That's why I was put down as a child.
Wow so true ….. for me humor has been my strength, and other times a little insanity keeps me sane … if that makes sense ..
People not thinking about this stuff long enough to realize that this is largely the explanation for unhappy parents who arent necessarily abusive by standard definitions is sad. Its not a hard thing to consider the reasons like this and its important to give the world and its structure thought. But that guy visibly looked shocked by the revelation of parental envy. To not realize these things are out there is why we say ignorance is bliss
I can testify to that. parents were strange (gay, narcissistic father, quiet depressed mother) knew i couldn't get involved or get too close. Came out strong, funny, witty but very sad underneath having not really known my parents.
I heard this the other day and it really hit me hard ! Can’t explain the feelings
Wow this just hit me like a sludge hammer to the face
@lorenperry3726 thanks lol
My dad always had something to say. Usually it wasn't nice. I shut down as a kid. I realized as an adult I just feel uncomfortable taking any responsibility. For celebratory occasions, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, fun times don't feel fun. In times when I should take accountability, I hide, try to look for the easy way out.
In some families you need to be invisible in order to avoid the domestic violence.
Survive. You need to be invisible to survive until you can escape.
As the family joker this really hit me...
I lay down at night and rarely smile even once...
Bro looks like he knows parenthood lol
Some people do not have any business having children 💔
Well, at least until they've healed their traumas
My mom's intimidated by me. For years I didn't realize it but when I remembered this comment she made when I was a child, so much became clear.
Which comment?
@LaddaSunshine It was an offhand remark that I'm smarter than her. I thought she was joking at the time but have realized she meant it.
My mother was an academic. I was raised by grandparents till 13 then handed over to her. Never really loved me. Disliked everything about me. Even though I have a Master degree still not good enough. Surprisingly now that I am older, not as pretty and settled for a mediocre job, she actually shows me some compassion and love as a mother.
I’m that sweet funny girl everyone likes but deep down the saddest. I completely understand people like Robin Williams.
Whats the name of this podcast, or where can i watch the full video?
It was painfully obvious that my life wasn’t right, when my high school friends responded to me in the ways that they did. We all didn’t have the best parents… so I thought that everything would be a mutual understanding. However, I would shrug things off or laugh/joke at others… and my friends would look to me with concern and pause. They would correct my reactions, and ask if I was okay. That shook me, because I had normalized my coping mechanisms, and we all had our own bad situations and abuses at home. In some ways I felt they had it worse, but having them look to me like I was the one worser off truly shocked the system. We don’t realize how unjustly we are treated, we only notice others pains. We don’t value ourselves enough to give ourselves credit. We all belittle our own experiences. I think my gentle and kind nature is what really caught people’s attention. The contrast of perceived realities is concerning.
This hit me hard...
trust me when I said the man spoken the truth about envious parent. where one parent cannot stand their children's own success. I've known such a person and it is heartbreaking to know nothing can stop the parent from feeling that, whereas the child want all the happiness from this world for that parent but with a limit of their means
Needing to fail… was my cross to bare. Only person who was behind whatever I wanted to do…. Even suggest further was my mother. Shes dead now heart failure while I was serving. Im living for me now. I have been where myself isnt enough to get out of bed. Im alone and have more peace than ever. Ppl come and go… but im safe. I dont understand what safe is, emotionally that is. I know it whats right though. I dont know what the future will bring. I am afraid. But What I do know… I know this. I walk into my future or limp I dont care but I am doing it and if it means I go as far as my will take me or no further than the couch. I am on my own and none of those people are directing me and If I die it will be because of me and what I wanted to do. You can explain to people till your blue in the face why you need to do what is best for you. It’s not you. Your not using the wrong words. There is not a bridge the two parties are building together. *It’s you building a bridge that no one will cross.* Cut your losses do what you need to do to heal than build new some where else.
Humor is best medicine after forgetfulness