Exactly what my life is like I feel like I am without purpose, I can't see tomorrow or next week, month or year I exist for the now always waiting for the next shoe to drop😕😣
It was a war zone. Getting out at 17 enabled me to be influenced by healthier people. When I later saw family members, the dysfunctional programming was pervasive, amazing to watch. But i learned a better way, thank God.
Another reason their goal is survival, is because they are emphatic, and they care, since the world is full of selfish, self-centered, careless dumb people, not only they have to put their energy for their survival, they also take their loved ones pain and suffering on their shoulders, to protect, and they do all this for one reason , because they care, therefore, no Time left for them to focus on their own goals
Yea and when there is a crisis and others are panicking, you are calm. When there is no crisis and others are calm, you are on edge waiting for it to happen!
@@EzraRook This is my life in a nutshell. The only reprieve is my morning meditation. Forcing my self to focus on gratitude over self pity. I’m concerned that guilt is my driving motivation to exist in a world that drains me emotionally. I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far. I have to give thanks to my loving dogs that have given me the most loyalty I’ve ever experienced in life. If GOD is unconditional love, then a dog is undoubtedly the best expression I know of. I feel like a broken misfit when I’m around most people, most of the time.
This is so relatable. My life is just passing by. It's not that I am not actively doing things but most of it is just me trying to get by, one day at a time. But this has been going on for years. Life feels like a task a lot of times
I have just cried reading your comment. I'm listening to this over and over again...my whole life too has been this way...just an hour ago I was wondering im like this...why effing WHY???!! I'm 55 now and time is flying...I do have ideas, im certainly not stupid...but I'm just still existing...I'm not necessarily negative...I can't stand people bitching so I don't do it myself but I'm panicking wasting myself away...but I STILL am JUST surviving. .each day just battling all the intrusive thought...going nowhere fast and furious...😢 if u actually happened to read this response to your comment I thank you for taking the time
@@joannaharrison7368 I just readed ur comment and I am thankful for sharing ur experience I also pretty much feel the same except for I am 20 and it kinda scary that some people can go through their intire life like that.i wish the best for u and me too
I feel you. I got laid off during covid 4 years ago and I've just been managing to stay alive, but I haven't got another job or finished any of my half-started projects. It's just, too hard to try to do things when you are waiting for the next disaster to happen.
I really know exactly what you mean. That’s me. And I’m 35, it feels like I have nothing to show for myself and I am scared of everything but also have no motivation or drive to do something. I don’t even know what to do.
@@gamerdweebentertainment1616 yeah... distracting myself from bad things to bad thing before I have to deal with the next crisis. I have no motivation to do anything any more, except sleep and maybe get myself to work.
100% - at last somebody gets it - Childhood Trauma Abandonment Abuse and Neglect leave you Frozen in the Twilight Zone - Complete Emotional Paralysis Fear Alert Anger Hypervigilent Paranoid Neurotic - Anxiety and Depressive Disorders are merely Symptomatic - we become Stuck!
It's the delicate balance between being responsible for yourself while being forgiving with yourself, as well as believing you can accomplish a lot more while knowing (and discovering) your limits (which in many cases can be overpowered with the right tool, you just don't know it yet). And the fact that the normies will only see laziness. It's very hard and a daily battle, take some losses, it's alright, the long term win is still there as long as you don't surrender
Exactly that's what I saw with an ex-boyfriend of mine he was all the time paralysed. I thought he was lazy, he was actually traumatized through his youth.
And it's also that any initiation is perceived badly during childhood. Crying, being loud, saying anything. Could result in a very negative outcome. The response from a parent tends to always be a negative one. Then the child learns to be invisible as a child. Which does not work as a model in adulthood. Because relationships and work, require being outspoken
This is my life. I've played defense 100% of the time since I was 3. I learned that my life was most survivable by being as invisible as possible. People don't understand. If your life has been bad enough, survival in itself is enough of a win.
Am I the only one who noticed him constantly wiping his nose like coke heads do? Even looking at his finger after wiping his nose. Then he slicks his hair back a couple times, eyes are shifting right to left, revealing other clues he's on blow.
@@hawleygriffin1800 ...My GOD! You hit the nail on the head with your comment about being invisible in order to survive! To be as SMALL as possible means your head doesn't stick out about anyone ELSE'S...keeping you safe! It's like being in a class where the teacher has to choose someone to come up to the board to solve a math problem...she asks for volunteers....and you SHRINK DOWN in your desk so you're not noticed! The "STORM" comes when it seems that she calls upon YOU to go up...exposing you to EVERYONE!
Exactly. In my 'life' I've been through so much emotional trauma I'm grateful to simply still be alive at all, let alone anything good (or bad) happening on top of that. Kind of sounds like survival doesn't it? At times in my history I'd even say such things as "I'd be happier off dead"...as though by that point I'd be able to know if I either was or wasn't (dead or happy)...or anything else for that matter.
@@ryanbarker3978 I know it’s a metaphor sort of but it genuinely is not worse than hell. I’ve had an experience of approaching hell and believe me, it’s so far past anything that happens or is experienced on earth. It’s nothing you can relate to, it’s nothingness and like a panic attack that you cannot ground yourself out of, nor wait it out as time doesn’t exist. Just you and your fear. It’s hard to explain but NOTHING is as bad as that and my experience wasn’t even IN hell, just approaching it. There isn’t really a spatial perception but I can’t find a description for the sense of being closer in that “place”. But yes, CPTSD is horrendous.
@@izzytyler8872bold of you to assume I _don’t_ have experiences approaching hell. I got trauma after all. I’m a little insulted by your comment honestly. Like what? You think you’re the only one who’s suffered before?
No, that’s bullshit, it was *their* responsibility to not traumatize me in the first place. The world broke me, now it’s the world’s job to fix me. And if the world doesn’t, then I have EVERY right to be mad at the world, even if people like you refuse to acknowledge it
@@redgreen2453 You have every right. People lied to you, betrayed you and failed you. Humanity failed you, and we continue to fail you, and we will continue to fail you. And this is what too often happens when we fail. The innocent pay the heaviest price over and over. Here you stand. You can do no other. It is absurdly, profoundly unfair. You are not wrong. You are right a thousand times over, but still you must go to the wall. The only consolation I have found is that this suffering will make you much stronger. Being a survivor is a powerful skill, and it gives you an edge that can only be learned through experience. Take that or leave it for what it is worth to you.
@@redgreen2453 I feel this I really do, there’s a version of me and I believe everyone who’s been through inexcusably putrid shit that shouldn’t have happened that hates every atom of and every being in this universe for putting them through it, it’s understandable. But after that, there needs to be something else, you need to grow bigger than that universe hater to put out those painful fires or stop letting them control you and be able to accept what you really want out of life and stop hurting.
It might not be ADHD, it might be trauma. Their symptoms are overlap, and ADHD is kinda a syndrome, it's not a single illness, they still figures it out.
@@Ольга-ж5к4й Autism level 1, ADHD combined type, Bipolar type 1, Emotionally abusive head injury single mother, unspecified anxiety disorder. Haven't had stimulants for my ADHD since 18. Turning 34 next month. It's been a journey LMAO. This video is like 20% of it for me but holy moley is it a chonky 20%... The goalie thing is so apt, I literally feel like I have the outfit on at all times
I’ve had ADHD/autism since when I was 5. Now I’m turning 17 and it’s gotten worse. And now I got ptsd/traumatized on August 24, 2024. My childhood is already shattered and my adulthood didn’t even start yet
Its good to know what's behind it because now I can make changes to my life. If there are ppl who are forwards, i wanna be a forward too. If they can do it its possible
Yeah. This is exactly it. Everyday dreading for the other shoe to fall. Everyday wondering what the next disaster will be and if you can handle it. Meanwhile, even the easiest tasks of day-to-day living, such as showering, getting to work, doing the dishes or even just getting out of bed are monumentally heavy
The way I gasped, and broke into tears hearing this short. Explained what I’ve been struggling with for years. I never knew why this was such a problem for me.
Bingo. Its said after you fall get back up, but after a while after unforeseen circumstances undoes all your work , it's better to just survive... I can't do it no more. Thank god I quit booze.
This describes my entire life, 56 years in survival mode. What a waste…. for perspective, there wasn’t anything like the understanding of or treatments for trauma, ptsd, cptsd that we have now when I was growing up, or even in my 20s or 30s. It’s difficult to try to continue to heal at this stage of life, but I’m working on it.
Oh honey, if it makes you feel any better, it never fully goes away for anyone! Childhood trauma causes the Brian to develop improperly so I overreact to little threats ALL the time. I can now calm myself down a little better than I used to but I don’t magically not do that anymore. I can’t just NOT have an anxiety disorder or just turn off a panic attack. So you’re not alone. There are great tools but at 44 I’m not gunna lie, many times I just wanna be done (if you catch my drift). I’m sick of living another day to battle it out. But I’m gunna because that’s my goal…
@@kateashby3066 I’m well aware it never completely goes away. I’m extensively educated on the topic, but knowing something intellectually doesn’t change automatic trauma responses from the nervous system, because that’s coming from a different part of the brain. I’ve been trying to heal for decades, most of my life, and I’m older than you. A lot of Gen X is in this predicament because the type of therapies we needed when we were growing up didn’t exist yet, which I already said in my original post. Your tone is incredibly patronizing, actually, and I really didn’t appreciate your response. It was minimizing and dismissive. It made me feel worse. Please don’t respond to me again.
The brain can change MUCH more than you think. Thats neuroplasticity. Meditation helps rewire the brain, and other therapies liek somatic experiencing. @kateashby3066
@@bogachan2974 So sorry 😞 to know this. I found a channel that helped me. The Crappy Childhood Fairy.... lol... she's really wonderful. Give her a look-see. Maybe you might be pleased. God bless you!
Trauma survivor here. You absolutely can and must set yourself free. Free from toxic family and “friends.” Free from manipulation. Free from drama. Free from debt. Free from fear. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Meditate. Write down what you hear. Take one small step every day toward your dream. It could be as simple as a single email. Or making a list or drawing up a plan. Celebrate every small victory. You DID IT. Reward yourself with a walk or healthy meal. Anything healthy. If you don’t have a dream, keep meditating and writing down what you hear until it becomes clear. Do it every morning and stick to it. The heaviness will lift. And you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. Once we remember who we are and take back our power anything is possible as long as it’s for our highest good and the good of humanity. You got this. ❤
Life is unpredictable and you have to have that tool bag handy to deal with what might come. Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury to develop the necessary tools that will help us overcome the curveballs.
So true, every time I feel somewhat safe and happy in life that's when everything goes downhill, I actually feel uncomfortable when I'm too happy, I'm more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
We are living in unreal times. It's hard to get motivated when there seems to be little to no hope. Home ownership will be almost impossible for most in this climate. Working 40hrs no longer gets you by for most families. I can understand why some refuse to work and just get assistance. in this economy you either want to be on the bottom or near the top. Lower middle to regular middle class are getting hammered badly
You have to be a goalie if you don't "feel" loved and supported. If you "feel" ignored and neglected, there is no one to protect. You will be alone and trapped with the bad things that happen. It will be just you, and it is terrifying and excruciating. Having love and support, connection, and sense of belonging is like a barrier that protects the goal for you. Bad things that happen don't feel so extreme when you aren't alone.
@@consuelonavarrohidalgo5334 Yeah it's not realistic because having love and support is so rare. If you have a lot of support and feel safe, then there's less avoidance and fear of things that can go wrong. The problem with those negative things is feeling completely alone with the thoughts, and not able to express it so that you know others you feel safe with can understand it, and share/lighten the burden together (support).
@@BigIndianBindi-jy1cz If you are alone in this world, you still have God, you can set small goals every day that will make God appreciate and love you (like taking care of yourself, clean your home, only eat when you are starvinglyhungry, etc), and you can start living a life that makes "your body" strive and strong. Once your home is clean and you don't smell like a dog, you can easily make new friends and build up several circles of friends that is based on eating together, or some hobby. Or you can just stay in survival mode, neglect your home and yourself, stink so much that diseases loves you and you basically just rot up. It's your choice, don't stay in your victim stage.
@@orion9k God only works if your brain is susceptible to placebos. You're essentially tricking your brain into releasing oxytocin from thin air. Kinda like if a lonely person is using a sex doll and believing it's a real person. It's amazing what the brain can do. However, my awareness prevents this as an option. I need real tangible people.
These 2-3 clips I’ve seen about trauma are so spot on, I dated someone who had a difficult childhood, and I didn’t really understood a lot of the choices she would make, didn’t know how to deal with some of her actions, now I know how because I had to learn from her. Dating someone with trauma is difficult
This is the most accurate potrayal of trauma ever holy shit. It's true, you're just not that brave enough to face life head-on and just want to live for another day
@@Alelelelelesus It's not a question of bravery. People fixated on survival often show tremendous bravery, and survival can be, depending on their situation, the best possible outcome.
I have never heard of this perspective and I have burst into uncontrollable sobbing and strange breathing. I feel scared and released. Thank you so much. I hope I can finally move forward. It is so funny and scary how the right TH-cam search can literally open a floodgate of trauma and guilt.
Wow, it's nice to hear this isn't just a me thing. It's something I'm definitely working on but hearing it iterated this way felt very validating for me. I once had a friend tell me that she didn't understand my version of anxiety when I was younger as I mistakenly described my paralysis of initiation as anxiety.
It is anxiety, deep down it is. You just so get used to it and normalise it so it pushed deep down. Best thing that helped me is to imagine what would my life be with better parents and then vent emotions on all the difference I find in between.
Paralysis of initiating what? Preparing food? Picking up a girl? Exercising? Learning a trade? Looking for a job? Some things are taught or learned in childhood. If your parents didn't accustomed you with preparing food, or exercising, or how to swim, you will have a difficult time figuring out that you need to learn all that stuff. I figured out I must learn how to swim, after getting close to drowining. Mom and pop didn't teach me. Not everything is because trauma.
@@Ольга-ж5к4й I love this because regardless of how horrible your experience may have been, you can always find ways to unlearn your trauma! Something I've found that has really helped me as an adult is to nurture my inner child and recognize patterns of defensiveness and survival mode and remind myself I am safe and I am no longer in danger. Also helps to prevent self critism when you take some time and consider if you would treat that inner child the same way you treat yourself. If the answer is no, than you nurture and apologize to yourself. Over time this cycle of thought has allowed me to grow respect for myself which I know can be hard for anyone who has been in a toxic environment.
@@criztu Initiating the household chores that I used to so, with no problem. I no longer wear makeup, or dress up. It feels like absolute torture. These things used to cone natural to me. I used to be organized. A bit OCD. A clean house, and good looks, being dressed nice. These things used to give me alot of pleasure. Now. It's a monuments task. Always obstacles in the way, making everything more difficult than it should be. Even if I successfully get my makeup done. It just doesn't feel rewarding anymore. It sucks!!!!
a very good explanation which explains why trauma victims do not take the initiative or di not generally aspire for big goals and achievements bcos their life story is different for them survival or how to maintain the facade or the normalcy is very tasking ! achievement is measured against various parameters
Also people with PTSD have learned that they cannot control their circumstances. They didnt make the experience that they could stop the abuse or do anything against it. They have learned to just endure it.
My step mom was verbally abusive towards me and ive figured out its damaged me entirely this way. Its hard navigating when you believe your gonna be wrong, but thank you for putting it in words Dr K.
yeah, my father was abusive and not only verbally. mom used to make all the decisions for me, ignoring my opinion. all my life I was resisting them, trying really hard to make my own decisions and f ing up. now I'm an adult and I'm completely burned out. don't know what I wanna do in life and how to make money for meds 🤪
I had a rough relationship with my mom when I was younger and I think I have the same thing. I don't know how to take initiative with people because I'm too busy worrying about what might go wrong.
I hate how accurate this is... The more I watch vids like this the more I realize how damaged I am from my upbringing and other events in my life. At this point now, things have settled down and life is good for me now, but this has left me with little to no drive to do anything, as my instincts are to keep turtling and hoarding resources so that when that next storm hits, I'll be able to weather it without fear, worry or concern. ...on its face that sounds like a good thing, however, this also means that I have little imagination and less drive to do anything beyond merely existing.
My mom was like that & then I met a guy & thought my life was finally starting but he turned out VERY similar to her (go to work, come home, stare at a screen for the rest of the day without any real connection or interaction with anyone else in the household - they both went through a lot of trauma in their life, but their miserable mentality about just "existing" spills over to everyone else when a person like that is "head of household" 💔💔💔💔).
Aye bruh, just know you were made for a much more fulfilling life than this and this kind of downtrodden, mediocre living wasn’t made to be a forever thing. You can get past this and build a much more enjoyable life
Describing basically my whole life. Been battling with it since childhood after living with an abuser for twenty odd years. As a young person I feel like I'm only just clawing back what it means to live life to the fullest. I was heavily suicidal a couple years ago and have suffered the occasional relapse since. Now I'm in the most stable period of my life, despite difficulties. Still, some days my brain takes backward steps, and I become convinced that everything I've built is going to fall apart again. Mostly, I feel like I'm learning how to live with 'boring', with monotony, with routine, without freezing or panicking. It's hard to plan for the future too when you were convinced for a long time that the next day will be your last. That the darkness in your head might finally win. Well, it's my 23rd birthday tomorrow, and I can say a nice 'fuck you' to all my demons. It hit me the other night that I never expected to get this far. Next month, I'm going to my first ever music festival. I have a wonderful job now and I'm saving up for my own place. I have an incredible group of friends. The future is finally showing itself. I feel so proud of myself for being here in spite of everything I have suffered through. So, fuck you, demons!
I was in survival for so long but after a period of safety and comfort i was able to reflect and grow and hopefully am moving into my self starter phase of life. Wishing the same for all those who also resonate with this.
Wow, thats spot on! Getting away from my family at 17 saved me from the programming. Im definitely a self starter. I want to get projects done. And its the project above all else. House painting, tree work, excavation, remodeling, its all the same, and i feel so good after its complete!
I am the navigator in my family... which means I'm constantly changing and adapting my behavior to keep things from falling apart. I have to behave a certain way with my father (narcissistic, abusive), then a different way with my mom (also a victim, emotionally unstable) and a different way with my brother (traumatized, deals with chronic pain, very defensive and reactive)... meanwhile I'm over here just trying to survive and keep everyone at least functional. It's difficult to have my own hopes and dreams, I don't even know where to start.
I hope you have or find something you love doing, or at least something you look forward to even if it's a small thing/event. I find that it really helps, massively. And if you're at the age where you're able to support yourself financially, please try to craft your own life journey little by little. If thinking about goals and visions seem daunting right now, you can start with writing down things you want to do, things you want to try, the kind of person you wish to be, even if they seem silly or farfetched. Think about things that make you smile, make you happy inside. I hope you find stuff that are funny enough that will make you laugh heartily. Those are things you can do to bring yourself in a positive state, even if momentarily. Then you will more likely be able to objectively look at yourself, as in introspection. I find that this cannot be done when we're constantly in a negative spiral. So whenever you get a chance at a good mood, that's your momentary exit, go for it. Observe your habits, how you react, respond. Be honest and face yourself. Identify your strengths, positive points. Identify the areas you want to improve, and the areas that need healing. Just overall be aware of yourself and get to know you, the good and the bad. I hope you find your healing, it is really important, and i mean this as someone who's having a somewhat similar experience. Also the feeling of walking on eggshells every single day. I refer to myself as the mediator in my family, but i'm choosing to quit that job now 😂 I have accepted that i cannot expect them to help me with my emotional/mental wellbeing, so i have to "parent" myself so i can heal from my upbringing. We cannot change them, we can only really change ourselves- this is cliche but it is very true. If you're a believer, cast your worries onto the Lord and continue to pray for them. I hope you get to have your own safe space. I hope you reach a place where you can thrive. Blessings 😊🌻
Oh my sweetie, I grew up in a hell of walking on eggshells too, everyday 24 7 for 27 years. You have to listen to me, keep yourself Healthy, the healthiest You can, hopely strong too, keep yourself out of trouble, like pregnancy, bad grades, drugs, justice trouble, etc. Asap when 18 or 21, I don't know the age of legal adulthood in your country, leave. You have to leave and have to work, work hard in anything you can, focus on that and You will discover your self worth. Cut the contact from day one, and never look back. Because it takes several years and years to be on "average" level.
@@dannybazzz9408watch out I know what You mean, I felt the same and grab with all of my to people and stuff not good for me. Because one feel desperately in need. Please, be carefull with that feeling.
This short has ROCKED my world. I have spent my life TRYING to accomplish things, but have always found myself surviving and just trying to make it through the “fires” that keep erupting in my life. Ive been trying to play the role of a forward, while actually being in the role of the goalie. I have SO much to unpack with this, but also feel so liberated by this because it’s not just simply that im “broken” or innately defective.
Man, so I'm sitting here blocking shots all day but I can't score any points. No wonder everyone else looks like they're so much more impressive than me. If we were on teams, we'd be kicking ass.
I appreciate your positive outlook on teaming up 😊 I wished it worked like that for me. My partner has CPTSD and is neurodivergent. I spend alot of energy helping him realize how we can work successfully as a team and missing my own opportunities to gain points in the process. It's not as successful as it sounds on paper ...at least not for us 😅 I wish every day it was though!
The goalie analogy is a good one for this. I appreciate how you normalize this kind of experience. It helps relieve self blame/judgement and encourages compassion ❤
That's how I feel as an adult; like I'm just waiting for each next storm to arrive. But in between storms I feel so much depression and ennui. Just a complete and utter lack of passion or motivation to improve. I only feel "alive" - feel anything - when I'm fighting to keep my head above water. How can I stop surviving and start living?
If you've got emotional trauma that is still haunting you, you need to start healing that trauma. Therapy can help with that. Surrounding yourself with empathy, both from yourself and from the few others who can understand you, is also key. Once those old wounds have closed up, you gotta slowly train yourself to not go pick at them with your mind again. You'll never forget these things, they are part of you, but you will move on from them. There will always be storms in life. It's natural. But once you've healed you will be able to start finding peace in those moments in between storms. Not depression. When you feel at peace you will also start having some leftover energy to invest in steps that make you "live". Unhealed trauma and depression has the consequence of always feeling like slow drain that keeps your internal battery at near zero levels. Nobody in that situation can truly get out and live. Don't blame yourself for it.
The subsequent guilt that ensues after said paralysis, realizing you can't make yourself get up and do the things you know you want and need to do to get to the next level in your life is even more debilitating. It's not a lack of desire or even effort at times, it's the inconsistency of being plagued with the paralysis-guilt cycle and constantly having to start over and/or sustain positive self talk that you don't believe that becomes overwhelmingly exhausting. Wash, rinse, repeat.
My life is built on two axes: "please others" and "be perfect". Normally they aren't too bad when slightly above the other common drives. In my case, they're cranked up to 11. It became a struggle. I burnt out in late 2020, and been in survival mode since then. I know I'll survive the next storm, but I've been spending the last 4 years waiting and facing storm after storm (loss of meaning in the work space, loss of jobs, second child diagnosed deaf, first one intellectually gifted with possible ADHD). I'm tired. Yet, I decided to take things back into my own hands, in a slow way. Started therapy a few months ago, got tested for IQ, need testing to clarify if there is an ADHD or Autism situation preventing me from properly using my brain. Started looking into other jobs I'd be able to do without burning out again. Yeah, I'm still waiting for the next storm, but I decided to learn how to ride the waves instead of just clinging to a plank.
this is so true . i uded to be in survial mode all the time and everyone else was having a great time visiting places, holidays and getting married etc. Ive shifted up a gear into making plans , not worrying about bills and 'If' mode but going with the flow which takes me on my natural path which id exciting !
Holy shit, this single minute resonates with me so much, the experience you describe is so familiar! It taught me a thing both about me or my close ones, and about society in general. Job market with its expectations and exclusion, reproduction of social classes and wealth...
Thank you! Understanding this could be an importance step to changing that unconscious pattern of thinking. AND the reason ppl function so well IN crisis. Dealing with crisis is the comfort zone
Even now in therapy and whole life reading and anslysing physo books, watching videos - im on the point where i see it, like i see water from a boat . This goalies behaviour - its water, and im still drying from it. But also i still am hardly able to start anything, but im trying to build this new pattern in my head, in my everyday life. So i can move this boat to safe ground. And i know it will take some time. Thanks to my efforts and people like you who speak to us about it.
Work with a therapist or counselor on what blame belongs where and to who.. it's not easy but it is the key to starting to overcome the stunlock that comes from abuse or toxic environments set us up with. Being consistent with it and practicing things to reinforce confidence, self care, self trust, finding your inner self and voice, etc.. it helped me greatly. I still struggle to get started on things but instead of thinking "why even try" like a decade ago, now it's more "this is scary, but nothing gets better if I don't try, and if I fail nothing is going to be as hard as surviving what I did" remember what you survived and when through, remember who put that doubt in you and it starts to self heal. Practices compounded with that really gets the change started💜
When I was a teenager I came to the conclusion that life’s purpose was “You are either in the drivers seat of life and make your own decisions, or you are in the backseat letting everyone else drive” And I’m so glad I realized that before it was too late.
That's a hard lesson most don't learn till much later in life. It's hard being in the driver's seat, which is why people with trauma prefer being in the backseat, but that's self destructive
My parents were always enraged. They slapped us around when we didn't obey them. I grew up with a fear of people. I became self reliant as a child. No one cared. 😢. I am still self reliant. Which is a good thing. Not being able to trust or rely on anybody is very lonely.
Have a friend who never seemed to be proactive. She shared a childhood story that was shocking to me but it helped me understand where she is coming from. It is heartbreaking because she continues to be self sabotaging.
On top of that, your experience tells you that no one will be supportive of your goals. You were shut down too many times even before starting, no matter what the goal was.
And speaking from lots of trauma, just recently I was able to redo this because I really really resonated on this,/these kind of statements and knowing is half of the healing!!!
Explains why I never took the leaps to live the life I deserve in those rare times I had enough resources to. Trauma + poverty relegated me to a position of extreme risk aversion; that no matter how prepared I am, the worst will happen.
So relatable. Thank you. I really appreciate hearing words like this that I’ve been looking for, for years. I figured out on my own that I have CPTSD at 48 years old (after 25+ years of therapy). I watched another TH-camr and ALL of the CPTSD symptoms she spoke of I have. Thank you for adding more insight/therapy about trauma to further learn about my condition.
Somehow Dr. K tells me what I need exactly when I need it. I'm one month away from my appointment with depression and other mental health issues. I really needed this more than ever today
How true. This is where I am right now. I pray I get through. I know for me, creativity is key, but I can't even start. This too shall pass, I hope. Blessings to all who suffer this.💜
Yeah, pretty much. This is probably one of the best explanations 😢 It's not only true of pursuing education and career goals, but relationships, self improvement, basic tasks like organizing the garage; just getting started is overwhelming so it leads to procrastination which leads to the situation getting worse which makes taking action even more difficult, ad infinitum.
A couple of people who used to be close to me were (and I believe still are) living in survival mode. One of them has been in therapy for four decades and this person was eternally stuck in the same repetition compulsion, trying to change a family member so that she would be more pleasant to deal with. They both have talent, but their trauma has kept them in survival mode, unable to move forward....
Dad was and STILL is a narcissistic alcoholic at stunning 74. When i was a child hoped every day that this will be soon over and i will have a better life. When i got older, i hoped that when hhle gets older something MAYBE wil get better at least a bit. Now im 34 living with my parents and not a single thing got better. Still living day to day trying to get out if that damn house and get a better life
As a recovering alcoholic and child of a narcissist, I feel you. I knew a lot of SICK ppl when I used to go to AA and in hindsight, and after learning about NPD, I can easily see that those ppl were sober but not willing to address their demons. In other words, they are Narcisisits and the entire problem and why they drink. These ppl aren’t any better sober. They just get better at masking it in public! And no, narcs do NOT change because that requires humility. Run, run fast and long. ❤
I have been heavily traumatised and all I do is wait to be freed from this wretched existence. I ask myself every day why I'm even continuing this torture. All of society feels like hell to me and the paradox of being human feels like a sick joke. Like it was always meant to fail.
Wow this is so me. My mom passed away when I was a teenager and that destroyed me completely. Since then I have simply been rolling with the punches. Ty Dr K
A large part of my paralysis of initiation I believe stems from spending my developmental years always under the directive of authority, that being teachers and parents. I actively isolated from my peers in school and always felt way more connected to teachers. This probably has led to the result of me always waiting to be given a task as I have virtually so little experience and anxiety in starting things my self.
Consider this- why did you do that? Was it social anxiety? Whatever the case- that can point you to the CORE issue. I had a ton of anxiety and it turned out my core illness is borderline personality disorder, which is a direct result of narcissistic abuse and neglect in childhood. Defining the issue SPECIFICALLY can help you find the right tools for recovery.
@@kateashby3066 it's a solid advice, but your story about getting a bpd as an answer is not very reassuring 😂 i was diagnosed few years ago, tried different approaches to manage it. yeah, my behaviour and my life seem normal, I don't stress out my mom or people around me anymore. but on the inside I'm still suffering and there is no end to it 😊 personality disorders are not curable, you can only learn to adapt and to live with it
It's not only about waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It's also that If the bad thing does not happen, your mind unconsciously makes it happen.
That’s the hell I’m living in now. I’m so disregulated and dissociated all the time that I can’t even take the necessary steps to try and improve my situation and wellbeing. I’m like a Sisyphus so paralyzed I can only brace myself against my boulder, as unable to push my burden any higher as I am unable to free myself from it. It’s crushing me, but still I am fixed in place. I wonder if Sisyphus knew his efforts were doomed. I wonder what he’d hoped to have after achieving it. I wonder if it wasn’t impossible after all, if he just became so weary and desperate just before the top of the hill that he felt he couldn’t bear to struggle any longer, and so he weakened. I wonder how close he got.
I have this. Exhausting and deflating. Learning about ways to regulate my nervous system and somatic healing is helping me move towards living and not just surviving.
I'm somewhere in the borderline of healing. I think this is where we need a solid foundation that will always remind us that life is more that just surviving in a daily basis.
For me it’s like I spent the first 20 years of my life waiting to get out of my childhood home. I coped by daydreaming about how much better my future life would be once I moved out. I had such big goals and ambitions. But even now that I’m ‘free’ I have this terrible habit of daydreaming and waiting instead of taking action on anything. Even being aware of this hasn’t helped that much. Staying in the daydream is just so much more comforting.
i am going through the exact same thing. finally after 24 years i moved out, i am free. and yet i am living in survival mode, i am struggling. i am constantly in my head, time is passing by and i cant seem to do anything about it.
I live in a place that's not safe, also with a traumatic past, and at the end of every single day i say out loud, i made it through another one. Once it's a concern, it is your MAIN concern and difficult to manage or even have time for actual thriving.
Me: “Just one more short before bed”
The short: calls me out on my entire life
@@vee1267 "Just one more short" - said between every short for the last 15 minutes
So true.. funny …that you said “calls me out” :)
It’s what we used to call a “come to Jesus” moment. Now it’s a “come to G(rips with your entire trauma history and inability to self-start)” moment.
Watching those shorts is one of adhd 'hobbies' 😉 know from experience. Just watched it too before bed🤦♀️
@@Aritase thanks for being so relatable 🤗
The goal is not accomplishments it’s survival. Damn that hits hard.
Exactly what my life is like I feel like I am without purpose, I can't see tomorrow or next week, month or year I exist for the now always waiting for the next shoe to drop😕😣
@@benconforzi5696 wow. That explains some of my behavior.
It was a war zone. Getting out at 17 enabled me to be influenced by healthier people.
When I later saw family members, the dysfunctional programming was pervasive, amazing to watch. But i learned a better way, thank God.
Another reason their goal is survival, is because they are emphatic, and they care, since the world is full of selfish, self-centered, careless dumb people, not only they have to put their energy for their survival, they also take their loved ones pain and suffering on their shoulders, to protect, and they do all this for one reason , because they care, therefore, no Time left for them to focus on their own goals
And its ON TARGET.......I've felt this way ALL of my LIFE.....!!! Even now!!!
Yea and when there is a crisis and others are panicking, you are calm. When there is no crisis and others are calm, you are on edge waiting for it to happen!
@@EzraRook yes!
@@EzraRook This is my life in a nutshell. The only reprieve is my morning meditation. Forcing my self to focus on gratitude over self pity. I’m concerned that guilt is my driving motivation to exist in a world that drains me emotionally. I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far. I have to give thanks to my loving dogs that have given me the most loyalty I’ve ever experienced in life. If GOD is unconditional love, then a dog is undoubtedly the best expression I know of. I feel like a broken misfit when I’m around most people, most of the time.
Yup....it's me to a "T"
Makes soooo much sense 😮
@@EzraRook so true
This is so relatable. My life is just passing by. It's not that I am not actively doing things but most of it is just me trying to get by, one day at a time. But this has been going on for years. Life feels like a task a lot of times
I have just cried reading your comment. I'm listening to this over and over again...my whole life too has been this way...just an hour ago I was wondering im like this...why effing WHY???!! I'm 55 now and time is flying...I do have ideas, im certainly not stupid...but I'm just still existing...I'm not necessarily negative...I can't stand people bitching so I don't do it myself but I'm panicking wasting myself away...but I STILL am JUST surviving. .each day just battling all the intrusive thought...going nowhere fast and furious...😢 if u actually happened to read this response to your comment I thank you for taking the time
@@joannaharrison7368 I just readed ur comment and I am thankful for sharing ur experience I also pretty much feel the same except for I am 20 and it kinda scary that some people can go through their intire life like that.i wish the best for u and me too
I feel you. I got laid off during covid 4 years ago and I've just been managing to stay alive, but I haven't got another job or finished any of my half-started projects. It's just, too hard to try to do things when you are waiting for the next disaster to happen.
I definitely can relate !
I really know exactly what you mean. That’s me. And I’m 35, it feels like I have nothing to show for myself and I am scared of everything but also have no motivation or drive to do something. I don’t even know what to do.
I need to send this to my therapist and make a new appointment. Because this is EXACTLY what in dealing with
I have the exact same thought too. I made a playlist for this shit.
Hahaha as I read this I was thinking about showing the short at the next appointment
I'm thinking this exact same thing.
only not waiting for next bad thing... rarely anything bad happens, now at least... so just waiting and waiting and oh look I should go to bed. :/
@@gamerdweebentertainment1616 yeah... distracting myself from bad things to bad thing before I have to deal with the next crisis. I have no motivation to do anything any more, except sleep and maybe get myself to work.
100% - at last somebody gets it - Childhood Trauma Abandonment Abuse and Neglect leave you Frozen in the Twilight Zone - Complete Emotional Paralysis Fear Alert Anger Hypervigilent Paranoid Neurotic - Anxiety and Depressive Disorders are merely Symptomatic - we become Stuck!
And disociative identity disorder as result of ultime frozen state fearing of death.
I feel validated. I always thought it was just me
They aren't lazy. They're dealing with trauma.
Oh yes! You’re right… this is the dilemma for me.
It's the delicate balance between being responsible for yourself while being forgiving with yourself, as well as believing you can accomplish a lot more while knowing (and discovering) your limits (which in many cases can be overpowered with the right tool, you just don't know it yet). And the fact that the normies will only see laziness. It's very hard and a daily battle, take some losses, it's alright, the long term win is still there as long as you don't surrender
Exactly that's what I saw with an ex-boyfriend of mine he was all the time paralysed. I thought he was lazy, he was actually traumatized through his youth.
And it's also that any initiation is perceived badly during childhood. Crying, being loud, saying anything. Could result in a very negative outcome. The response from a parent tends to always be a negative one. Then the child learns to be invisible as a child. Which does not work as a model in adulthood. Because relationships and work, require being outspoken
This is my life. I've played defense 100% of the time since I was 3. I learned that my life was most survivable by being as invisible as possible. People don't understand. If your life has been bad enough, survival in itself is enough of a win.
Am I the only one who noticed him constantly wiping his nose like coke heads do? Even looking at his finger after wiping his nose. Then he slicks his hair back a couple times, eyes are shifting right to left, revealing other clues he's on blow.
@@hawleygriffin1800 ...My GOD! You hit the nail on the head with your comment about being invisible in order to survive! To be as SMALL as possible means your head doesn't stick out about anyone ELSE'S...keeping you safe! It's like being in a class where the teacher has to choose someone to come up to the board to solve a math problem...she asks for volunteers....and you SHRINK DOWN in your desk so you're not noticed! The "STORM" comes when it seems that she calls upon YOU to go up...exposing you to EVERYONE!
Your last sentence gutted me. True @hawleygriffin1800
Exactly. In my 'life' I've been through so much emotional trauma I'm grateful to simply still be alive at all, let alone anything good (or bad) happening on top of that. Kind of sounds like survival doesn't it? At times in my history I'd even say such things as "I'd be happier off dead"...as though by that point I'd be able to know if I either was or wasn't (dead or happy)...or anything else for that matter.
EXCELLENT analogies!!!!
Everyone asks me what I want to do with my life, and I just cry when I get the question. I tell them that all I know is that I want to be safe.
😢😢❤
Oh wow, that is so me!
Real
Oh well, at least you have people who care enough to ask?
@@Joe-gf6vn Cause that’s their job, they’re therapists
This is worse than hell. It’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.
@@ryanbarker3978 I know it’s a metaphor sort of but it genuinely is not worse than hell. I’ve had an experience of approaching hell and believe me, it’s so far past anything that happens or is experienced on earth. It’s nothing you can relate to, it’s nothingness and like a panic attack that you cannot ground yourself out of, nor wait it out as time doesn’t exist. Just you and your fear. It’s hard to explain but NOTHING is as bad as that and my experience wasn’t even IN hell, just approaching it. There isn’t really a spatial perception but I can’t find a description for the sense of being closer in that “place”. But yes, CPTSD is horrendous.
@@izzytyler8872bold of you to assume I _don’t_ have experiences approaching hell. I got trauma after all.
I’m a little insulted by your comment honestly. Like what? You think you’re the only one who’s suffered before?
No, that’s bullshit, it was *their* responsibility to not traumatize me in the first place. The world broke me, now it’s the world’s job to fix me. And if the world doesn’t, then I have EVERY right to be mad at the world, even if people like you refuse to acknowledge it
@@redgreen2453 You have every right. People lied to you, betrayed you and failed you. Humanity failed you, and we continue to fail you, and we will continue to fail you. And this is what too often happens when we fail. The innocent pay the heaviest price over and over. Here you stand. You can do no other. It is absurdly, profoundly unfair.
You are not wrong. You are right a thousand times over, but still you must go to the wall. The only consolation I have found is that this suffering will make you much stronger. Being a survivor is a powerful skill, and it gives you an edge that can only be learned through experience. Take that or leave it for what it is worth to you.
@@redgreen2453 I feel this I really do, there’s a version of me and I believe everyone who’s been through inexcusably putrid shit that shouldn’t have happened that hates every atom of and every being in this universe for putting them through it, it’s understandable. But after that, there needs to be something else, you need to grow bigger than that universe hater to put out those painful fires or stop letting them control you and be able to accept what you really want out of life and stop hurting.
That’s the most spot on explanation I have heard about trauma. Thank you!🙏🏻
I don't like being constantly afraid of what comes next. It's really annoying when I want something done. I already have ADHD!
It might not be ADHD, it might be trauma.
Their symptoms are overlap, and ADHD is kinda a syndrome, it's not a single illness, they still figures it out.
@@Ольга-ж5к4йhow do u fix it
@@Ольга-ж5к4й Autism level 1, ADHD combined type, Bipolar type 1, Emotionally abusive head injury single mother, unspecified anxiety disorder.
Haven't had stimulants for my ADHD since 18. Turning 34 next month. It's been a journey LMAO.
This video is like 20% of it for me but holy moley is it a chonky 20%... The goalie thing is so apt, I literally feel like I have the outfit on at all times
I’ve had ADHD/autism since when I was 5. Now I’m turning 17 and it’s gotten worse. And now I got ptsd/traumatized on August 24, 2024. My childhood is already shattered and my adulthood didn’t even start yet
@@KingYuno-j6w hang in there brother
I never had any ambitions as a child except the desire to feel safe. I recently realised how sad that is.
My best wishes to all of you.
Holy fking sht. Somebody actually gets it- and articulated it perfectly. Makes so much more sense now
Yes, articulated it perfectly! Such a simple explanation all these years someone could have mentioned this
It is so, so frustrating to deal with. If anyone has a way out of this. PLEASE let me know.
Finally!
Its good to know what's behind it because now I can make changes to my life. If there are ppl who are forwards, i wanna be a forward too. If they can do it its possible
Thank you for breaking this down so clearly. Powerful stuff.
Yeah. This is exactly it. Everyday dreading for the other shoe to fall. Everyday wondering what the next disaster will be and if you can handle it. Meanwhile, even the easiest tasks of day-to-day living, such as showering, getting to work, doing the dishes or even just getting out of bed are monumentally heavy
So true. And I'm so tired.
You are not alone ❤😢
how can we fix this... i dont want to waste my youth this way :(
Does turning on something on tv, some podcast or music help drown your inner panic? @@beegeesquirrel
@@beegeesquirrelthat is what I want to do too, fixing whats needs to be fixed
I'm in tears. This is so real. I haven't felt real growth in such a long time. I need help. 😭😭😭💔
@@SquigglesFluffystuff I get you rosey. I get it
❤ Hugs 🫶
The way I gasped, and broke into tears hearing this short. Explained what I’ve been struggling with for years. I never knew why this was such a problem for me.
*gives you a hug* 🤗 I kindly feel the same!
This is the most accurate description I've ever heard. Really explains a lot, I appreciate you.
Bingo. Its said after you fall get back up, but after a while after unforeseen circumstances undoes all your work , it's better to just survive... I can't do it no more. Thank god I quit booze.
This describes my entire life, 56 years in survival mode. What a waste…. for perspective, there wasn’t anything like the understanding of or treatments for trauma, ptsd, cptsd that we have now when I was growing up, or even in my 20s or 30s. It’s difficult to try to continue to heal at this stage of life, but I’m working on it.
All the strength to you, it's commendable that you're trying to heal.
Oh honey, if it makes you feel any better, it never fully goes away for anyone! Childhood trauma causes the Brian to develop improperly so I overreact to little threats ALL the time. I can now calm myself down a little better than I used to but I don’t magically not do that anymore. I can’t just NOT have an anxiety disorder or just turn off a panic attack. So you’re not alone. There are great tools but at 44 I’m not gunna lie, many times I just wanna be done (if you catch my drift). I’m sick of living another day to battle it out. But I’m gunna because that’s my goal…
@@kateashby3066 I’m well aware it never completely goes away. I’m extensively educated on the topic, but knowing something intellectually doesn’t change automatic trauma responses from the nervous system, because that’s coming from a different part of the brain.
I’ve been trying to heal for decades, most of my life, and I’m older than you. A lot of Gen X is in this predicament because the type of therapies we needed when we were growing up didn’t exist yet, which I already said in my original post.
Your tone is incredibly patronizing, actually, and I really didn’t appreciate your response. It was minimizing and dismissive. It made me feel worse. Please don’t respond to me again.
@@agapitoliria 🙏
The brain can change MUCH more than you think. Thats neuroplasticity. Meditation helps rewire the brain, and other therapies liek somatic experiencing. @kateashby3066
When he said the word 'survival ' i started to cry. This short affected me deeply
@@bogachan2974 So sorry 😞 to know this. I found a channel that helped me. The Crappy Childhood Fairy.... lol... she's really wonderful. Give her a look-see. Maybe you might be pleased. God bless you!
Wow “would i survive the next storm” is so accurate. All I do is being mentally and physically and emotionally prepared for storms
Yea. That was other side. Wether left or right, stormy.
Now let's
See the another side.
Bright ✨
🌏🌎🌍
This short has just explained some things I didn't know about myself. Thank you!
I'm in tears listening to these words. They explain my whole life in a few sententences.
Trauma survivor here. You absolutely can and must set yourself free. Free from toxic family and “friends.” Free from manipulation. Free from drama. Free from debt. Free from fear. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
Meditate. Write down what you hear. Take one small step every day toward your dream. It could be as simple as a single email. Or making a list or drawing up a plan. Celebrate every small victory. You DID IT. Reward yourself with a walk or healthy meal. Anything healthy.
If you don’t have a dream, keep meditating and writing down what you hear until it becomes clear. Do it every morning and stick to it. The heaviness will lift. And you will be amazed at what you can accomplish.
Once we remember who we are and take back our power anything is possible as long as it’s for our highest good and the good of humanity. You got this. ❤
@consciouswriter6531 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hearing the heaviness will lift is everything in this moment.
@ 🤗💕
Oddly enough the next betrayal consistently comes as soon as guard is down.
it's why deep conversation with a stranger is always easier than small talk with those closer. a stranger can't betray me.
EXACTLY
Life is unpredictable and you have to have that tool bag handy to deal with what might come. Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury to develop the necessary tools that will help us overcome the curveballs.
Unfortunately, true. 😢
So true, every time I feel somewhat safe and happy in life that's when everything goes downhill, I actually feel uncomfortable when I'm too happy, I'm more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
This explains so much 😅 about me and many of my friends who "coast" through life. We just want to make it to tomorrow.
We are living in unreal times. It's hard to get motivated when there seems to be little to no hope. Home ownership will be almost impossible for most in this climate. Working 40hrs no longer gets you by for most families. I can understand why some refuse to work and just get assistance. in this economy you either want to be on the bottom or near the top. Lower middle to regular middle class are getting hammered badly
You have to be a goalie if you don't "feel" loved and supported. If you "feel" ignored and neglected, there is no one to protect. You will be alone and trapped with the bad things that happen. It will be just you, and it is terrifying and excruciating. Having love and support, connection, and sense of belonging is like a barrier that protects the goal for you. Bad things that happen don't feel so extreme when you aren't alone.
Good theoretical words. Not realistic instead.
@@consuelonavarrohidalgo5334 Yeah it's not realistic because having love and support is so rare. If you have a lot of support and feel safe, then there's less avoidance and fear of things that can go wrong. The problem with those negative things is feeling completely alone with the thoughts, and not able to express it so that you know others you feel safe with can understand it, and share/lighten the burden together (support).
@@BigIndianBindi-jy1cz If you are alone in this world, you still have God, you can set small goals every day that will make God appreciate and love you (like taking care of yourself, clean your home, only eat when you are starvinglyhungry, etc), and you can start living a life that makes "your body" strive and strong. Once your home is clean and you don't smell like a dog, you can easily make new friends and build up several circles of friends that is based on eating together, or some hobby.
Or you can just stay in survival mode, neglect your home and yourself, stink so much that diseases loves you and you basically just rot up.
It's your choice, don't stay in your victim stage.
@@orion9kcan u give some tips on making friendships.. been isolating for a LONG time..
@@orion9k God only works if your brain is susceptible to placebos. You're essentially tricking your brain into releasing oxytocin from thin air. Kinda like if a lonely person is using a sex doll and believing it's a real person. It's amazing what the brain can do. However, my awareness prevents this as an option. I need real tangible people.
Makes perfect sense. It is so difficult to get out of the paralysis of initiation.
These 2-3 clips I’ve seen about trauma are so spot on, I dated someone who had a difficult childhood, and I didn’t really understood a lot of the choices she would make, didn’t know how to deal with some of her actions, now I know how because I had to learn from her.
Dating someone with trauma is difficult
This explains much of my behavior lately. I'm in survival mode and it's hard to start things that I know will benefit my future.
This is the most accurate potrayal of trauma ever holy shit. It's true, you're just not that brave enough to face life head-on and just want to live for another day
@@Alelelelelesus It's not a question of bravery. People fixated on survival often show tremendous bravery, and survival can be, depending on their situation, the best possible outcome.
I have never heard of this perspective and I have burst into uncontrollable sobbing and strange breathing. I feel scared and released. Thank you so much. I hope I can finally move forward. It is so funny and scary how the right TH-cam search can literally open a floodgate of trauma and guilt.
Wow, it's nice to hear this isn't just a me thing. It's something I'm definitely working on but hearing it iterated this way felt very validating for me. I once had a friend tell me that she didn't understand my version of anxiety when I was younger as I mistakenly described my paralysis of initiation as anxiety.
It is anxiety, deep down it is.
You just so get used to it and normalise it so it pushed deep down.
Best thing that helped me is to imagine what would my life be with better parents and then vent emotions on all the difference I find in between.
Paralysis of initiating what? Preparing food? Picking up a girl? Exercising? Learning a trade? Looking for a job?
Some things are taught or learned in childhood. If your parents didn't accustomed you with preparing food, or exercising, or how to swim, you will have a difficult time figuring out that you need to learn all that stuff.
I figured out I must learn how to swim, after getting close to drowining. Mom and pop didn't teach me.
Not everything is because trauma.
@@criztu no shit
@@Ольга-ж5к4й I love this because regardless of how horrible your experience may have been, you can always find ways to unlearn your trauma! Something I've found that has really helped me as an adult is to nurture my inner child and recognize patterns of defensiveness and survival mode and remind myself I am safe and I am no longer in danger. Also helps to prevent self critism when you take some time and consider if you would treat that inner child the same way you treat yourself. If the answer is no, than you nurture and apologize to yourself. Over time this cycle of thought has allowed me to grow respect for myself which I know can be hard for anyone who has been in a toxic environment.
@@criztu
Initiating the household chores that I used to so, with no problem.
I no longer wear makeup, or dress up.
It feels like absolute torture. These things used to cone natural to me. I used to be organized. A bit OCD.
A clean house, and good looks, being dressed nice. These things used to give me alot of pleasure. Now. It's a monuments task. Always obstacles in the way, making everything more difficult than it should be.
Even if I successfully get my makeup done. It just doesn't feel rewarding anymore.
It sucks!!!!
I teared up from this, because this is exactly what I am facing right now
a very good explanation
which explains why trauma victims do not take the initiative or di not generally aspire for big goals and achievements
bcos their life story is different for them survival or how to maintain the facade or the normalcy is very tasking !
achievement is measured against various parameters
Also people with PTSD have learned that they cannot control their circumstances. They didnt make the experience that they could stop the abuse or do anything against it. They have learned to just endure it.
My step mom was verbally abusive towards me and ive figured out its damaged me entirely this way. Its hard navigating when you believe your gonna be wrong, but thank you for putting it in words Dr K.
yeah, my father was abusive and not only verbally. mom used to make all the decisions for me, ignoring my opinion. all my life I was resisting them, trying really hard to make my own decisions and f ing up. now I'm an adult and I'm completely burned out. don't know what I wanna do in life and how to make money for meds 🤪
@@polina-rs4lrbig pharma is a whole rabbit hole but goodluck
I had a rough relationship with my mom when I was younger and I think I have the same thing. I don't know how to take initiative with people because I'm too busy worrying about what might go wrong.
@@BrofUJu what do u mean to “take initiative with people”??
@@TheNamesFarquaad reaching out. Giving suggestions. Just very passive at times and not speaking up for what I need, things like that
I’m 62 and you’ve described my life and daily struggle.
You simply could have been so rich by now without doing anything but Investing. And enjoy upcoming years of life.
@@vivekkanabar9124 what a reality check 🤣☝️
@@vivekkanabar9124 When in survival, even the 'simplest' of things is our of reach. The lens through which they view the world is broken.
❤❤❤
I hate how accurate this is...
The more I watch vids like this the more I realize how damaged I am from my upbringing and other events in my life.
At this point now, things have settled down and life is good for me now, but this has left me with little to no drive to do anything, as my instincts are to keep turtling and hoarding resources so that when that next storm hits, I'll be able to weather it without fear, worry or concern.
...on its face that sounds like a good thing, however, this also means that I have little imagination and less drive to do anything beyond merely existing.
My mom was like that & then I met a guy & thought my life was finally starting but he turned out VERY similar to her (go to work, come home, stare at a screen for the rest of the day without any real connection or interaction with anyone else in the household - they both went through a lot of trauma in their life, but their miserable mentality about just "existing" spills over to everyone else when a person like that is "head of household" 💔💔💔💔).
I can relate so well. Sending you lots of love ❤
Aye bruh, just know you were made for a much more fulfilling life than this and this kind of downtrodden, mediocre living wasn’t made to be a forever thing. You can get past this and build a much more enjoyable life
Describing basically my whole life. Been battling with it since childhood after living with an abuser for twenty odd years. As a young person I feel like I'm only just clawing back what it means to live life to the fullest.
I was heavily suicidal a couple years ago and have suffered the occasional relapse since. Now I'm in the most stable period of my life, despite difficulties. Still, some days my brain takes backward steps, and I become convinced that everything I've built is going to fall apart again. Mostly, I feel like I'm learning how to live with 'boring', with monotony, with routine, without freezing or panicking. It's hard to plan for the future too when you were convinced for a long time that the next day will be your last. That the darkness in your head might finally win.
Well, it's my 23rd birthday tomorrow, and I can say a nice 'fuck you' to all my demons. It hit me the other night that I never expected to get this far. Next month, I'm going to my first ever music festival. I have a wonderful job now and I'm saving up for my own place. I have an incredible group of friends. The future is finally showing itself. I feel so proud of myself for being here in spite of everything I have suffered through.
So, fuck you, demons!
@@0_plusultra17 if you have this much self awareness at 23 you're doing well and will go places
That makes sense. I’ve oriented my entire life around not being wrong. I see it now
I was in survival for so long but after a period of safety and comfort i was able to reflect and grow and hopefully am moving into my self starter phase of life. Wishing the same for all those who also resonate with this.
And sometimes when bad things don't come for a bit you start to imagine them and get stuck in anxiety. It sucks.
Wow, thats spot on! Getting away from my family at 17 saved me from the programming. Im definitely a self starter. I want to get projects done. And its the project above all else. House painting, tree work, excavation, remodeling, its all the same, and i feel so good after its complete!
I can't even plan a vacation for myself... It feels good to put words on this problem.
Amen. It’s all about keeping yourself safe and threats come from all different directions, so it’s everywhere.
I am the navigator in my family... which means I'm constantly changing and adapting my behavior to keep things from falling apart. I have to behave a certain way with my father (narcissistic, abusive), then a different way with my mom (also a victim, emotionally unstable) and a different way with my brother (traumatized, deals with chronic pain, very defensive and reactive)... meanwhile I'm over here just trying to survive and keep everyone at least functional. It's difficult to have my own hopes and dreams, I don't even know where to start.
Please give to yourself first. You can’t fix anyone else…. But you can teach by example.
I hope you have or find something you love doing, or at least something you look forward to even if it's a small thing/event. I find that it really helps, massively. And if you're at the age where you're able to support yourself financially, please try to craft your own life journey little by little. If thinking about goals and visions seem daunting right now, you can start with writing down things you want to do, things you want to try, the kind of person you wish to be, even if they seem silly or farfetched. Think about things that make you smile, make you happy inside. I hope you find stuff that are funny enough that will make you laugh heartily. Those are things you can do to bring yourself in a positive state, even if momentarily.
Then you will more likely be able to objectively look at yourself, as in introspection. I find that this cannot be done when we're constantly in a negative spiral. So whenever you get a chance at a good mood, that's your momentary exit, go for it. Observe your habits, how you react, respond. Be honest and face yourself. Identify your strengths, positive points. Identify the areas you want to improve, and the areas that need healing. Just overall be aware of yourself and get to know you, the good and the bad.
I hope you find your healing, it is really important, and i mean this as someone who's having a somewhat similar experience. Also the feeling of walking on eggshells every single day. I refer to myself as the mediator in my family, but i'm choosing to quit that job now 😂 I have accepted that i cannot expect them to help me with my emotional/mental wellbeing, so i have to "parent" myself so i can heal from my upbringing. We cannot change them, we can only really change ourselves- this is cliche but it is very true. If you're a believer, cast your worries onto the Lord and continue to pray for them.
I hope you get to have your own safe space. I hope you reach a place where you can thrive. Blessings 😊🌻
Yo I feel the same.Just hang on till something changes for good and grab on to it and don't let go of the opportunity
Oh my sweetie, I grew up in a hell of walking on eggshells too, everyday 24 7 for 27 years. You have to listen to me, keep yourself Healthy, the healthiest You can, hopely strong too, keep yourself out of trouble, like pregnancy, bad grades, drugs, justice trouble, etc. Asap when 18 or 21, I don't know the age of legal adulthood in your country, leave. You have to leave and have to work, work hard in anything you can, focus on that and You will discover your self worth. Cut the contact from day one, and never look back. Because it takes several years and years to be on "average" level.
@@dannybazzz9408watch out I know what You mean, I felt the same and grab with all of my to people and stuff not good for me. Because one feel desperately in need. Please, be carefull with that feeling.
This short has ROCKED my world. I have spent my life TRYING to accomplish things, but have always found myself surviving and just trying to make it through the “fires” that keep erupting in my life. Ive been trying to play the role of a forward, while actually being in the role of the goalie. I have SO much to unpack with this, but also feel so liberated by this because it’s not just simply that im “broken” or innately defective.
Man, so I'm sitting here blocking shots all day but I can't score any points. No wonder everyone else looks like they're so much more impressive than me. If we were on teams, we'd be kicking ass.
Life is multiplayer, you can def team up with someone
Or maybe, depending on the circumstance, people stop trying to kick goals into your net and you’re just waiting; expecting 100 offensive players
The Game has been over a long time ago, but I still sit on the field playing with the ghosts. Weird, isn't it? 😊
I appreciate your positive outlook on teaming up 😊
I wished it worked like that for me. My partner has CPTSD and is neurodivergent. I spend alot of energy helping him realize how we can work successfully as a team and missing my own opportunities to gain points in the process. It's not as successful as it sounds on paper ...at least not for us 😅 I wish every day it was though!
@@HeatherH80207 why can't you gain points while helping him if I may ask?
This explains a lot to me. I am so reactive and I excel at things, but only after I feel safe.
The goalie analogy is a good one for this. I appreciate how you normalize this kind of experience. It helps relieve self blame/judgement and encourages compassion ❤
I swear this describes me perfectly 😢
That's how I feel as an adult; like I'm just waiting for each next storm to arrive. But in between storms I feel so much depression and ennui. Just a complete and utter lack of passion or motivation to improve. I only feel "alive" - feel anything - when I'm fighting to keep my head above water. How can I stop surviving and start living?
If you can afford it therapy definitely helps. If it’s not an option, you can check Dr K and other mental health professionals’ resources.
If you've got emotional trauma that is still haunting you, you need to start healing that trauma. Therapy can help with that. Surrounding yourself with empathy, both from yourself and from the few others who can understand you, is also key.
Once those old wounds have closed up, you gotta slowly train yourself to not go pick at them with your mind again. You'll never forget these things, they are part of you, but you will move on from them.
There will always be storms in life. It's natural. But once you've healed you will be able to start finding peace in those moments in between storms. Not depression. When you feel at peace you will also start having some leftover energy to invest in steps that make you "live".
Unhealed trauma and depression has the consequence of always feeling like slow drain that keeps your internal battery at near zero levels. Nobody in that situation can truly get out and live. Don't blame yourself for it.
Well, you have just described my whole life.
Same here, no idea what to do when I am not dealing with a crisis, because it is all about mentally preparing for ( and dreading) the next one.
The subsequent guilt that ensues after said paralysis, realizing you can't make yourself get up and do the things you know you want and need to do to get to the next level in your life is even more debilitating. It's not a lack of desire or even effort at times, it's the inconsistency of being plagued with the paralysis-guilt cycle and constantly having to start over and/or sustain positive self talk that you don't believe that becomes overwhelmingly exhausting. Wash, rinse, repeat.
good job on creating a great bridge of understanding. the goalie is a perfect example 👏
This really explains the FREEZE/ Stuck part of depression.💝🙏🏻💝
My life is built on two axes: "please others" and "be perfect".
Normally they aren't too bad when slightly above the other common drives.
In my case, they're cranked up to 11. It became a struggle.
I burnt out in late 2020, and been in survival mode since then.
I know I'll survive the next storm, but I've been spending the last 4 years waiting and facing storm after storm (loss of meaning in the work space, loss of jobs, second child diagnosed deaf, first one intellectually gifted with possible ADHD).
I'm tired.
Yet, I decided to take things back into my own hands, in a slow way. Started therapy a few months ago, got tested for IQ, need testing to clarify if there is an ADHD or Autism situation preventing me from properly using my brain.
Started looking into other jobs I'd be able to do without burning out again.
Yeah, I'm still waiting for the next storm, but I decided to learn how to ride the waves instead of just clinging to a plank.
Damn, talk about nailing it. 😮
This is me. Thank you for acknowledging & understanding.
(Domestic abuse by a psychotic, narcissistic, evil person)
this is so true . i uded to be in survial mode all the time and everyone else was having a great time visiting places, holidays and getting married etc.
Ive shifted up a gear into making plans , not worrying about bills and 'If' mode but going with the flow which takes me on my natural path which id exciting !
Holy shit, this single minute resonates with me so much, the experience you describe is so familiar! It taught me a thing both about me or my close ones, and about society in general. Job market with its expectations and exclusion, reproduction of social classes and wealth...
Thank you! Understanding this could be an importance step to changing that unconscious pattern of thinking. AND the reason ppl function so well IN crisis. Dealing with crisis is the comfort zone
My goal is just to be in peace, so I avoid to disturb people around, which is pretty frustrating
Yup. Sounds absolutely correct. What a lovely moment to hear someone describe it so accurately! Thank you!!🤗😢😮😊😂❤
This makes way too much sense and explains my life >.
You're main Ana, you're a blessing person.
Even now in therapy and whole life reading and anslysing physo books, watching videos - im on the point where i see it, like i see water from a boat . This goalies behaviour - its water, and im still drying from it.
But also i still am hardly able to start anything, but im trying to build this new pattern in my head, in my everyday life. So i can move this boat to safe ground. And i know it will take some time. Thanks to my efforts and people like you who speak to us about it.
Work with a therapist or counselor on what blame belongs where and to who.. it's not easy but it is the key to starting to overcome the stunlock that comes from abuse or toxic environments set us up with. Being consistent with it and practicing things to reinforce confidence, self care, self trust, finding your inner self and voice, etc.. it helped me greatly. I still struggle to get started on things but instead of thinking "why even try" like a decade ago, now it's more "this is scary, but nothing gets better if I don't try, and if I fail nothing is going to be as hard as surviving what I did" remember what you survived and when through, remember who put that doubt in you and it starts to self heal. Practices compounded with that really gets the change started💜
When I was a teenager I came to the conclusion that life’s purpose was “You are either in the drivers seat of life and make your own decisions, or you are in the backseat letting everyone else drive”
And I’m so glad I realized that before it was too late.
That's a hard lesson most don't learn till much later in life. It's hard being in the driver's seat, which is why people with trauma prefer being in the backseat, but that's self destructive
My parents were always enraged. They slapped us around when we didn't obey them. I grew up with a fear of people. I became self reliant as a child. No one cared. 😢.
I am still self reliant. Which is a good thing. Not being able to trust or rely on anybody is very lonely.
You are such a good speaker, so full of emotion and convincing energy! 👏
This makes so much sense! Was just diagnosed with cptsd and have had ADHD diagnosis for 15 years. This hits home😅
I can relate to this.
Livingin a constant state of high vigilence is exhausting and robs you of the ability to feel joy or optimism.
Have a friend who never seemed to be proactive. She shared a childhood story that was shocking to me but it helped me understand where she is coming from. It is heartbreaking because she continues to be self sabotaging.
On top of that, your experience tells you that no one will be supportive of your goals. You were shut down too many times even before starting, no matter what the goal was.
I have never heard a more appropriate explanation for what happens in my life and brain than this.Thank you
And speaking from lots of trauma, just recently I was able to redo this because I really really resonated on this,/these kind of statements and knowing is half of the healing!!!
Explains why I never took the leaps to live the life I deserve in those rare times I had enough resources to. Trauma + poverty relegated me to a position of extreme risk aversion; that no matter how prepared I am, the worst will happen.
So relatable. Thank you. I really appreciate hearing words like this that I’ve been looking for, for years. I figured out on my own that I have CPTSD at 48 years old (after 25+ years of therapy). I watched another TH-camr and ALL of the CPTSD symptoms she spoke of I have. Thank you for adding more insight/therapy about trauma to further learn about my condition.
Somehow Dr. K tells me what I need exactly when I need it. I'm one month away from my appointment with depression and other mental health issues. I really needed this more than ever today
He is magical at timing these
Wishing you the best with your appointment! Hope you get the help you need 😊
How true. This is where I am right now. I pray I get through. I know for me, creativity is key, but I can't even start. This too shall pass, I hope. Blessings to all who suffer this.💜
This sums me up,since childhood. I'm almost 50yo, now. I'm learning to be me, since my (unfortunately abusive/addict) significant other died, in 2019.
Yeah, pretty much. This is probably one of the best explanations 😢 It's not only true of pursuing education and career goals, but relationships, self improvement, basic tasks like organizing the garage; just getting started is overwhelming so it leads to procrastination which leads to the situation getting worse which makes taking action even more difficult, ad infinitum.
A couple of people who used to be close to me were (and I believe still are) living in survival mode. One of them has been in therapy for four decades and this person was eternally stuck in the same repetition compulsion, trying to change a family member so that she would be more pleasant to deal with. They both have talent, but their trauma has kept them in survival mode, unable to move forward....
Goalie is an EXCELLENT analogy for this ❤
Dad was and STILL is a narcissistic alcoholic at stunning 74. When i was a child hoped every day that this will be soon over and i will have a better life. When i got older, i hoped that when hhle gets older something MAYBE wil get better at least a bit. Now im 34 living with my parents and not a single thing got better. Still living day to day trying to get out if that damn house and get a better life
As a recovering alcoholic and child of a narcissist, I feel you. I knew a lot of SICK ppl when I used to go to AA and in hindsight, and after learning about NPD, I can easily see that those ppl were sober but not willing to address their demons. In other words, they are Narcisisits and the entire problem and why they drink. These ppl aren’t any better sober. They just get better at masking it in public! And no, narcs do NOT change because that requires humility. Run, run fast and long. ❤
It me. Every time I've tried to actually make something happen I get slapped down. So I just find ways to work with whatever I can get.
Feels so relatable, especially how effective Dr. K articulated it.
EXCELLENT analogies!!!!!
I have been heavily traumatised and all I do is wait to be freed from this wretched existence.
I ask myself every day why I'm even continuing this torture.
All of society feels like hell to me and the paradox of being human feels like a sick joke. Like it was always meant to fail.
Wow this is so me. My mom passed away when I was a teenager and that destroyed me completely. Since then I have simply been rolling with the punches. Ty Dr K
A large part of my paralysis of initiation I believe stems from spending my developmental years always under the directive of authority, that being teachers and parents. I actively isolated from my peers in school and always felt way more connected to teachers. This probably has led to the result of me always waiting to be given a task as I have virtually so little experience and anxiety in starting things my self.
Consider this- why did you do that? Was it social anxiety? Whatever the case- that can point you to the CORE issue. I had a ton of anxiety and it turned out my core illness is borderline personality disorder, which is a direct result of narcissistic abuse and neglect in childhood. Defining the issue SPECIFICALLY can help you find the right tools for recovery.
@@kateashby3066
it's a solid advice, but your story about
getting a bpd as an answer is not very reassuring 😂 i was diagnosed few years ago, tried different approaches to manage it. yeah, my behaviour and my life seem normal, I don't stress out my mom or people around me anymore. but on the inside I'm still suffering and there is no end to it 😊 personality disorders are not curable, you can only learn to adapt and to live with it
ye
It's not only about waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It's also that If the bad thing does not happen, your mind unconsciously makes it happen.
That’s the hell I’m living in now. I’m so disregulated and dissociated all the time that I can’t even take the necessary steps to try and improve my situation and wellbeing.
I’m like a Sisyphus so paralyzed I can only brace myself against my boulder, as unable to push my burden any higher as I am unable to free myself from it. It’s crushing me, but still I am fixed in place.
I wonder if Sisyphus knew his efforts were doomed. I wonder what he’d hoped to have after achieving it. I wonder if it wasn’t impossible after all, if he just became so weary and desperate just before the top of the hill that he felt he couldn’t bear to struggle any longer, and so he weakened. I wonder how close he got.
I have this. Exhausting and deflating. Learning about ways to regulate my nervous system and somatic healing is helping me move towards living and not just surviving.
@@AngelNote1 I wish you good fortune on your journey, brother
This hit the jackpot! I realized these five years ago, still don’t know how to make it stop
I'm somewhere in the borderline of healing. I think this is where we need a solid foundation that will always remind us that life is more that just surviving in a daily basis.
For me it’s like I spent the first 20 years of my life waiting to get out of my childhood home. I coped by daydreaming about how much better my future life would be once I moved out. I had such big goals and ambitions. But even now that I’m ‘free’ I have this terrible habit of daydreaming and waiting instead of taking action on anything. Even being aware of this hasn’t helped that much. Staying in the daydream is just so much more comforting.
i am going through the exact same thing. finally after 24 years i moved out, i am free. and yet i am living in survival mode, i am struggling. i am constantly in my head, time is passing by and i cant seem to do anything about it.
I live in a place that's not safe, also with a traumatic past, and at the end of every single day i say out loud, i made it through another one. Once it's a concern, it is your MAIN concern and difficult to manage or even have time for actual thriving.
Bless you doctor ❤❤❤