I was 51 when I awakened to my trauma. I’m now in my fourth year of recovery. I experienced 51 years of unhealthy and traumatizing relationships. I’m giving myself compassion today. It’s hard. I’ll go for months of taking really good care of myself, going inward, feeling whole. Then I’ll get triggered and slip for a day or two or even a week. During these times I try to stay present, continue the self compassion, feel my feelings. But it’s very uncomfortable. I just want to be done with the healing but I know it’s a process. Thanks for another video that’s spot on Jay.
Thank you so much. This comment helps me like a good nutrient. Your work to heal your worthy life is probably, invisibly but truly, healing the world. Everything counts. Bless you.
@Beloved Child Thanks for charing The inner healing process is very hard 😪 Not analyzing or over thinking anything, just staying present and just feel the feeling is a really powerful tool to release old toxic patterns. The result will manifest instantly and new changes takes place
I was taught that if I paid attention to my inner experience and looked within, I would be forever lonely because my core was so awful and shameful. I was, in effect, terrorised into looking outside myself for a feeling of self-worth. Life is now a process of taking small risks in tuning into and being true to myself whilst managing the anxiety and fear of being outcast. I'm having to show myself through the experience of taking those small risks that I won't automatically be rejected for being true to myself. It's nerve-wracking. And of course, sometimes I am rejected for being true to myself but that's not about me being bad to my core but about the other person's needs/agenda. Healing is a long, slow process of gaining and integrating experiences which undermine what you were originally taught. We have to be brave and willing to test those faulty teachings we were given in order to set ourselves free from them.
I agree to that Poppy, Im still battling with it to this day and its just disgusting to see the perpertrators get on with theirs so-called lives and laugh it off as if all is well. I still dont know how Ive made it this far with all the battle wounds .I had to lose myself and forced to fight and I did, I sometimes get nervous looking back at what ive endured but the material here sounds really familiar with my true self. I know I was right all along and they just cant stand it. One still grows and finds joy without family whatsoever it seems.
This weekend I found myself giggling and yes, squealing, with my first real female friend. I didn't have a normal teenagerhood- I worked since I was 12 and my father liked pubescent girls so no friends for me. I am 58 and this is the first time I have had a female friend to have a giggle with. It's hard to go back to 12 years old at my age without feeling stupid, but if I don't I won't be able to progress to 'normal'. I hope this gives hope to some other people.
Just a few years ago I realised and was able to accept that I'd spent my life (decades) hoping and believing that I would somehow be rescued and given permission to live my life. I'd clearly been doing that since I was an infant. And it was as if - until I was rescued - I existed to be used by everyone. I've been working on it for a few years and I accept I will always need to.
I feel the same. I am 57 and realized about 3 years ago what I am dealing with as scapegoat to narcissistic mother. I just don't understand why. My heart is so big and yes, I have and do seek outside validation. However, to this day I haven't found it. I am now learning to realize and accept that I am enough. Also, I always have loved myself because outside validation is also a search for support to our broken soul.
I have trouble with self care vs lethargy. I tend to be a workaholic and always focus on what needs to be done. So when I allow myself to have time to just chill out, i feel like i spiral into depression and become lethargic and binge watch movies for several days in a row. It's hard to have that balance. Im also very isolated and work takes my mind off of it. I don't know where to meet the "safe" people. Most people quite honeslty seem to be so blind to their own family. After all I've been through to simply remove myself from mine, the last thing i want is to fall into somebody else's dynamic. But I'm starting to feel like the crazy neighborhood hermit
Imagine that you are with safe people and how it feels like. Feed the feeling's of being in a good place with mature, supporting, healthy friends who wants only your best. Live with it and it'll eventually become true.
I go through this too. I completely isolated for three years. I’m now making friends after moving to a new city a year ago. It’s work, but there are good, safe people out there. I think my three years of solitude helped me. I watched people a lot during that time. I started to see that I could discern safe from not safe better. Being alone isn’t easy. You’re doing a very courageous thing. I hope you’re doing ok today. ❤️
I'm in the same boat right now. And, my elderly parents like to concern troll me by asking me if I'm making any new friends or doing anything fun. I feel like I have to do it to make them less worried. They are always talking about all their friends and how Important friends and family are. They talk about any ody in my life as someone to look out for me. They talk abou their concern for t neighbors and family that are reclusive or even just more introverted than them. So, this imprinted in me and why I struggle with knowing I am enough. I am trying to let go of wondering what people think, because the more I worry about what anyone thinks, the more I want to hide. But, most normal people are going about their own lives. They care about others, but don't concern troll them. It's the nosy, toxic people that concern troll and shame us. Yes, connection is important, but not at the expense of our authenticity When we don't feel we are being authentic, we can't truly connect with others. Gabor Mate describes how we sometimes have to chose between attached and our authenticity growing up. If we're required to choose we choose attachment, because we need it to survive. So sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels. I think we need time to learn to think for ourselves, discover what we want and learn to have our own backs. Only then can we find true authentic connection. In thee meantime we can pay attention to how we are treated by different people in our day to day lives. I am starting to see a difference between safe and toxic people when I don't invest myself in finding friends, just conversing with people
Another spot-on video. I was married twice. Each time I was eager to take his last name because being Mrs. someone else afforded me more respect from my own family. It's really pathetic. I was used and abused in both marriages, especially the second one. I'm so determined to heal and integrate with my various parts. This channel is absolutely amazing and life-saving.
I think an issue with being a child and being naturally set to look for external support is that until there is an external support that says you don't have to look for external support as much or at all anymore, you're stuck looking externally. You were set that way (by genetics), nobody ever turned it off and you can't turn it off yourself because you're stuck looking for external directions. I think looking inward, at first, is also horrific - it's like slipping off a boat into a dark, cold sea, in which you tread water until you tire and slip under the surface. However the boat you slipped off is external validation, which has the issues of not really validating you as a human being, so it is it's own cold place. Building your own inner raft (so you don't have to tread water) from flotsam and jetsam is a difficult process, the pieces of driftwood often seem to float away and not combine. All the while you're in the cold, dark water, feeling you're headed to go under the surface.
I'm definitely on that nr 3 stage - "I'm now here for myself!" Also have a special bank account which I named "Spoil Myself" where I put some money every once in a while. It's wonderful to spoil myself with all that I know I really deserve 😌
Feeling any self worth after the daily joy my narcissistic parents had tearing a strip off me for as far back as I can remember is almost impossible and a life long pursuit for me . Recently my siblings figured out with professional help that our father had NPD have invited me to help pay for changes to our mother's headstone . I served as her scapegoat/whipping post up until her final rage at me made me go NO CONTACT about 2 years before she died .Their experience of her was quite different than mine . I don't think there are enough years left that they will ever realize how her destructive triangulating hateful ways have effected everyone in this family . I'm not looking forward to telling them that I'm not interested in sharing this expense as I don't really care about it - I drew a line under the mother/daughter relationship years ago . And like everything else that has ever gone on , I'm never consulted in the decision making process but expected to shell out money on command . I'm bracing for the familiar family rage . This forum helps me by reading about the similar family experiences of others and I don't think Jay could speak so knowingly on this subject without having experienced this treatment himself . Thank you Jay for your insightful videos .
Pavla, When my narc mom died I hadn't seen her for 18 years and at the time being I didn't know anything about narcissism. I was alone with her for one hour in the chapel, the day before the funeral. She was just laying there, passively, holding a yellow rose in her clasp hands, resting over her chest. As I was watching her some forces took over. I suddenly fell down on my knees, hearing myself ugly-crying, with my forehead leaning against the cold stone floor I cryed out so loud, growling, roaring like a primitive animal. My tears, spit ran out of my mouth, slimy snot from my nose flooding over the floor beneath my face. There, the dam of holding back tears finally bursts, as I learned at an early age to qiuet-cry. Still, as an adult I cry totally soundless. I wasn't allowed to sound when I was sad, it triggered outrage, my mom and my sisters went mad, crazy and furious if I cried, spiced up with mockery and ridicule. So, when I saw my mom laying dead in the coffin, I could cry for the first time ever, in her presence. She couldn't do anything about it. No outrage. No furious. No mockery. No ridicule. I was taken by surprise by my reaction. Hearing myself ugly-crying!? I had no clue I could cry but soundless. In the aftermath, I realized that the moment was really special and super important for me in a therapeutic way. I wasn't even sure if I should go to see her in the chapel. Above all, I also missed the flight so it was a little project as everything had to be cancelled and rearranged with friends picking me up at the airport, the chapel appointment, etc. I had to re-think, I thought it was maybe better for me not going to see my mom in the chapel. But then I felt a strong drive, convincing me to go there at any cost. The plot tightened as the flight was delayed and my friend who picked me up at the airport, get lost when driving to the chapel and after a huge detour we finally end up with screaming wheels, flying gravel, me jumping out of the car when still driving, leaving the car door open, running into the chapel. Keep in mind - I didn't cry one single tear for my mom. It was all for me. One year later, 2014, I learned for the first time about narcissism. The rest is history.
@@fantasip A heartbreaking but also healing story... congratulations on surviving such horrible pain. I wish you all the healing and love you so deserve!
This was exactly what I was thinking about today. Your videos are so valuable. Thank you for being there for those of us unable to access psychotherapy.
WOW!!!! This is so powerful, you have such a keen sense to the finest detail, you have explained me to the core, I hope to be at that place one day where the inward journey doesn't derive anxiety and cause me to run away and remain the scapegoated person who sabotages her own healing path and life!
Thanks Jay! As always, spot on and timely for me. I now catch myself looking outside myself, or distracting myself, to keep myself from looking inside for answers. Often, when I look inside I feel pressure to give the right answers. So, I'm trying to just sit with myself in quiet, telling myself I don't need to figure anything out. Also, it helps to tell myself "I'm so sorry for what happened", especially when I find myself trying to make my case for myself in my head.
This video especially resonates with me. I spent most of my life never asking myself any important questions like what I really wanted, what career I wanted, how I wanted to dress or express myself. I always bypassed that and just did what I felt my mom wanted me to do because it felt safer. It felt like anything that came from me would be wrong or embarrassing. I spent my whole life cut off from myself. To find out now, in my 30's, that that wasn't the way I was supposed to feel about myself is so hard to wrap my head around. It's less painful to think I deserved or was supposed to think that way about myself.
Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am” seems appropriate here. It’s slowly changing the mindset that others are more worthy of forgiveness and compassion than ourselves, because it is the unconscious track installed by the narcissist. I find writing out, when I’m in a positive headspace, the times I felt capable or worthy and reading them when I feel less so replaces that track a little. It especially helps if I can hear it in the voice of someone I know cares about me and finds me valuable just because I am.
When started the inner work through meditation and exercise, bringing focus on my feelings acknowledging them and just sitting with them helped a lot. Also outer distractions are there in form of people reacting and opinionating. It's a challenge to find a balance between my trauma and triggers and other person or groups trauma and triggers.
I love focusing on topics around self love/care...looking inward. I like focusing on how my body feels, and what do I need right now. Also I have a lot of fear sharing in ACA meetings. I try controlling what I say. It's terrifying, but I do share sometimes. I feel like the Narc took my voice.
A child of a narcissistic parent is either actively taught that they are of no value, or by neglecting the child, the child concludes they are of no value. The child then carries this belief with them when they leave home, hoping to get this validation from others. Because of their own bias against themselves which they believe to be true, They then seek out others who agree with this biased false belief. In therapy, hopefully, they stop looking to others for approval and find a way to approve of and love themselves. At home as a kid I routinely used my own brain to understand things and do well. This frustrated my mother who eventually told me, “If others knew you as well as I do, they would not have such a high opinion of you.” This not only shattered my self esteem, because I believed her, but blocked it from growing, because if you can’t trust your own mother, who can you trust? Lol But now I reject her earlier false message. Others were right when they treated me with respect. I am ok. As a voice once said to me in a dream,”The only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you.”😀I like to shorten and simplify things. This is from some of early life training in journalism. Jay you do great work! ❤️
In 2017, I finally discovered that my father is narcissistic via watching you tube! My therapists since the nineties never disclosed that to me! I had to research and diagnose him myself.
I appreciate that your talks emphasize childhood. Yes, later as adults narcissism impacts relationships, but the narcissists met in adulthood were created in childhood. So helping educate us might help stop the cycle. Your approach is like a medical system that prevents disease before it happens instead of treating the symptoms. Many people wind up getting involved with narcissists because they were abused by narcissistic parents. If we learn how our childhoods set us up to accept abuse, we will be able as adults to recognize abuse and the damage it does. We will be better prepared to choose healthy marriages, friendships and careers.
I've walked down the road feeling empty looking at people as they pass , looking at them to fill that void , strange feeling , your always taught to look outwards , iam 59 gone no contact , I now realise iam looking inward without realising it , thanks for a great video jay .
This is a great point. It's easy to see how narcissism is transmitted across generations (Jay's early comments in this video about assembling external accomplishments to feel whole) and really useful to be aware of, as one recovers. The caring for oneself can seem very selfish, at first, but what I've found is that I can't FREELY give anything--including love and care--to others, unless I've fully loved and cared for myself first. I used to be much more caring toward others than I am now, but I hoped for a lot from them in exchange, and even hoped that the caring itself would make me feel better. We can't freely give from a state of internal lack; we can't truly afford that, and there will be strings attached to our giving, even if we aren't consciously aware of those strings. We can only give freely from our own abundance, and must love and care for ourselves first, to build up that reserve from which we can give. Thanks as always, Jay!
Yes, gentleness. Sometimes I feel like, "I got this now". Yet, after a recent setback with life- it seems to have "triggered" my stability. Or, perhaps I could ask, "what does grief look like and feel like? (i'l check your other videos)". Maybe it's the process of grief. Thank you again.
I find that when I'm experiencing strong negative emotions, it feels like I dont have the capacity to support myself. The feeling is that I need someone else to help, that I'm not capable on my own. And truthfully, im not very capable in those moments... I regress quite a bit and feel very helpless, hopeless, and lost. I lose my capacity for reasoning and problem solving. The overwhelming feeling is a panicked "I need someone to help me!" So the question is... how do I learn to trust in myself when all evidence points to me being emotionally immature and incapable? My capacity for self compassion isnt great and it's so difficult to use any skills when they're most needed. I seem to want better support than I'm able to offer at this stage so I keep rejecting my own support as "not good enough."
This is incredibly value and helpful to me. Thank you so much. I had no idea that I had resources within myself and I’ve spent years outside of the narcissistic home I grew up in trying to find what has apparently been within myself all along. Excited to learn how to give compassion to myself.
This does explain for me the period of my life in my late teens and through my 20s, where I had no idea where and how I was supposed to, or could, fit into the world. I was completely adrift and overwhelmed-no sense of my own agency or even my inherent right to HAVE any agency. I really could have used some healthy guidance but never got it, and it never occurred to me to seek it out. It’s taken decades to build back and still working on it.
The “right to have agency” That really hit. Always been left in confusion about your capabilities. Self doubt being stirred up with in you. Low self confidence blocking you from accessing that sense of agency.
people thrown around "looking inward" but EXACTLY is that? what EXACTLY does that LOOK like?? what behaviors? what attitudes or thoughts to focus on? (it is completely foreign... and seemingly not an accepted 'virtue') HOW and "what" is paying attention to ones self?
Try starting with simple things, simple questions. What really matters to ME? What do I want? How do I feel? What would be best for ME in this situation? If I was my own small child, what would I do for that small child? How would I talk to that small child? If I was a stranger I was meeting for the first time, what questions would I ask, to further the acquaintance? How would I respond to the answers to those questions?
I also appreciate that there isnt contempt for the narcissistic parent in your content. A lot of us are still figuring out everything while still loving that parent. I dont feel that I need any more negativity while I am trying to find myself. I want to have compassion for all things, I dont want vindictiveness to cloud what I am trying to do now. I hope that makes sense.
I wonder how the 'self sooth cry it out technique' ruptures this process of the external possessing a perfect reflection of the internal grace and ease of being an infant.
I think there are societal norms in whatever era a person is born into that plays a part in this type of abuse pattern, which would be an interesting topic to hear discussed. I like your way of presenting information. It provides a solid point of view to heal. I have found your suggestion of moving the body in a chaotic fashion to be helpful. Doing that I felt it assisted in reconnecting myself to my intuitive instinct. I'm not good at reading people which causes boundary issues. I find myself having to retreat fully to regain my own perspective. Even if my reasons for doing so are valid e.i. someone is a crappy person. My judgement of them seems like an excuse because I'm really feeling like it is self preservation.
great video but over the head of many of us early on. We build ourselves homes, lives, built on our childhood instructions. Those instructions resulted in our building a house of horrors. Just looking inward is not going to work at first. Our inward self is covered in crap. We have to realize that we were programmed to build houses of horrors based on our being told by our parents that we are crap. Now, as adults we are surrounded by crap memories, friends, families, careers. We need to move out and build a new house of beauty built on lovely, healthy, soft but strong beliefs about ourselves. To do this we need healthy, supportive friends. I, personally, don't believe anyone can do this alone. Support groups are great if the cost of counseling is a bridge too far.
So I've been working to lessen my inner critic by changing the language of my self-talk. What other specific, practical ways can we put self compassion into our daily practice, to build the habit?
We such somebodies and so up to snuff until, then we're dirt, huh? Remove the narc's insults and voilà, back once more! Do not value their opinions, they are ill mannered bullies who somehow think throwing you their worst will make you obey them!
And i think we're "still waiting"deep down for our parent to "come around". We're' still waiting for them to grow up, I suppose. But they never do. Because they enjoy getting away with what want behind their kid's back. Some people shouldn't adopt children. Aren't I just terrible for being so ungrateful? "More please."
Your shpw is too painful to watch. Have been the target of abuse, including sexual abuse at the hands of my sick Narcissistic family.. I will never get out of the mess I'm in.
Never give up. Maybe you need to show your anger and learn to manage it in therapy. Remember that people who read your post don’t know you but love you and support you because you deserve it.
Listening to you gives me a profound feeling of justice.
I agree.
Wow. Yes.
me too 😭😭😭😭😭
I was 51 when I awakened to my trauma. I’m now in my fourth year of recovery. I experienced 51 years of unhealthy and traumatizing relationships. I’m giving myself compassion today. It’s hard. I’ll go for months of taking really good care of myself, going inward, feeling whole. Then I’ll get triggered and slip for a day or two or even a week. During these times I try to stay present, continue the self compassion, feel my feelings. But it’s very uncomfortable. I just want to be done with the healing but I know it’s a process. Thanks for another video that’s spot on Jay.
Thank you so much. This comment helps me like a good nutrient. Your work to heal your worthy life is probably, invisibly but truly, healing the world. Everything counts. Bless you.
@@lizafield9002 what a beautiful comment.
@Beloved Child
Thanks for charing
The inner healing process is very hard 😪 Not analyzing or over thinking anything, just staying present and just feel the feeling is a really powerful tool to release old toxic patterns. The result will manifest instantly and new changes takes place
@@lizafield9002 thank you for your kindness. I really needed that today. ❤️🙏
@@fantasip thank you. 🙏❤️ your compassion touches me.
I was taught that if I paid attention to my inner experience and looked within, I would be forever lonely because my core was so awful and shameful. I was, in effect, terrorised into looking outside myself for a feeling of self-worth. Life is now a process of taking small risks in tuning into and being true to myself whilst managing the anxiety and fear of being outcast. I'm having to show myself through the experience of taking those small risks that I won't automatically be rejected for being true to myself. It's nerve-wracking. And of course, sometimes I am rejected for being true to myself but that's not about me being bad to my core but about the other person's needs/agenda. Healing is a long, slow process of gaining and integrating experiences which undermine what you were originally taught. We have to be brave and willing to test those faulty teachings we were given in order to set ourselves free from them.
Wow that is so well put
I agree to that Poppy, Im still battling with it to this day and its just disgusting to see the perpertrators get on with theirs so-called lives and laugh it off as if all is well. I still dont know how Ive made it this far with all the battle wounds .I had to lose myself and forced to fight and I did, I sometimes get nervous looking back at what ive endured but the material here sounds really familiar with my true self. I know I was right all along and they just cant stand it. One still grows and finds joy without family whatsoever it seems.
This weekend I found myself giggling and yes, squealing, with my first real female friend. I didn't have a normal teenagerhood- I worked since I was 12 and my father liked pubescent girls so no friends for me. I am 58 and this is the first time I have had a female friend to have a giggle with. It's hard to go back to 12 years old at my age without feeling stupid, but if I don't I won't be able to progress to 'normal'. I hope this gives hope to some other people.
Just a few years ago I realised and was able to accept that I'd spent my life (decades) hoping and believing that I would somehow be rescued and given permission to live my life. I'd clearly been doing that since I was an infant. And it was as if - until I was rescued - I existed to be used by everyone. I've been working on it for a few years and I accept I will always need to.
The day you realise you truly are no longer looking for a rescuer is the first day of your real life! You got this!
@@Chahlie Bless you Heather
I feel the same. I am 57 and realized about 3 years ago what I am dealing with as scapegoat to narcissistic mother. I just don't understand why. My heart is so big and yes, I have and do seek outside validation. However, to this day I haven't found it. I am now learning to realize and accept that I am enough. Also, I always have loved myself because outside validation is also a search for support to our broken soul.
Thank you for this comment. It’s giving me a lot of food for thought on my own experience. Wishing you the very best ❤
I have trouble with self care vs lethargy. I tend to be a workaholic and always focus on what needs to be done. So when I allow myself to have time to just chill out, i feel like i spiral into depression and become lethargic and binge watch movies for several days in a row. It's hard to have that balance. Im also very isolated and work takes my mind off of it. I don't know where to meet the "safe" people. Most people quite honeslty seem to be so blind to their own family. After all I've been through to simply remove myself from mine, the last thing i want is to fall into somebody else's dynamic. But I'm starting to feel like the crazy neighborhood hermit
Imagine that you are with safe people and how it feels like. Feed the feeling's of being in a good place with mature, supporting, healthy friends who wants only your best. Live with it and it'll eventually become true.
I go through this too. I completely isolated for three years. I’m now making friends after moving to a new city a year ago. It’s work, but there are good, safe people out there. I think my three years of solitude helped me. I watched people a lot during that time. I started to see that I could discern safe from not safe better. Being alone isn’t easy. You’re doing a very courageous thing. I hope you’re doing ok today. ❤️
I'm in the same boat right now. And, my elderly parents like to concern troll me by asking me if I'm making any new friends or doing anything fun. I feel like I have to do it to make them less worried. They are always talking about all their friends and how Important friends and family are. They talk about any ody in my life as someone to look out for me. They talk abou their concern for t neighbors and family that are reclusive or even just more introverted than them. So, this imprinted in me and why I struggle with knowing I am enough.
I am trying to let go of wondering what people think, because the more I worry about what anyone thinks, the more I want to hide. But, most normal people are going about their own lives. They care about others, but don't concern troll them. It's the nosy, toxic people that concern troll and shame us.
Yes, connection is important, but not at the expense of our authenticity When we don't feel we are being authentic, we can't truly connect with others. Gabor Mate describes how we sometimes have to chose between attached and our authenticity growing up. If we're required to choose we choose attachment, because we need it to survive.
So sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels. I think we need time to learn to think for ourselves, discover what we want and learn to have our own backs. Only then can we find true authentic connection. In thee meantime we can pay attention to how we are treated by different people in our day to day lives. I am starting to see a difference between safe and toxic people when I don't invest myself in finding friends, just conversing with people
Learning to trust your own instincts is tough
Another spot-on video. I was married twice. Each time I was eager to take his last name because being Mrs. someone else afforded me more respect from my own family. It's really pathetic. I was used and abused in both marriages, especially the second one. I'm so determined to heal and integrate with my various parts. This channel is absolutely amazing and life-saving.
I think an issue with being a child and being naturally set to look for external support is that until there is an external support that says you don't have to look for external support as much or at all anymore, you're stuck looking externally. You were set that way (by genetics), nobody ever turned it off and you can't turn it off yourself because you're stuck looking for external directions.
I think looking inward, at first, is also horrific - it's like slipping off a boat into a dark, cold sea, in which you tread water until you tire and slip under the surface. However the boat you slipped off is external validation, which has the issues of not really validating you as a human being, so it is it's own cold place.
Building your own inner raft (so you don't have to tread water) from flotsam and jetsam is a difficult process, the pieces of driftwood often seem to float away and not combine. All the while you're in the cold, dark water, feeling you're headed to go under the surface.
I agree and in my experience the more I experienced rejection including school work the more I put importance in the external world
Wow this comment is fantastic. Thank you.
I'm definitely on that nr 3 stage - "I'm now here for myself!" Also have a special bank account which I named "Spoil Myself" where I put some money every once in a while. It's wonderful to spoil myself with all that I know I really deserve 😌
You’ve been sent from the heavens to help us. You’re beautiful. Thank you.
I love myself. I am I am I am
❤️
Feeling any self worth after the daily joy my narcissistic parents had tearing a strip off me for as far back as I can remember is almost impossible and a life long pursuit for me . Recently my siblings figured out with professional help that our father had NPD have invited me to help pay for changes to our mother's headstone . I served as her scapegoat/whipping post up until her final rage at me made me go NO CONTACT about 2 years before she died .Their experience of her was quite different than mine . I don't think there are enough years left that they will ever realize how her destructive triangulating hateful ways have effected everyone in this family . I'm not looking forward to telling them that I'm not interested in sharing this expense as I don't really care about it - I drew a line under the mother/daughter relationship years ago . And like everything else that has ever gone on , I'm never consulted in the decision making process but expected to shell out money on command . I'm bracing for the familiar family rage . This forum helps me by reading about the similar family experiences of others and I don't think Jay could speak so knowingly on this subject without having experienced this treatment himself . Thank you Jay for your insightful videos .
Pavla,
When my narc mom died I hadn't seen her for 18 years and at the time being I didn't know anything about narcissism. I was alone with her for one hour in the chapel, the day before the funeral. She was just laying there, passively, holding a yellow rose in her clasp hands, resting over her chest.
As I was watching her some forces took over. I suddenly fell down on my knees, hearing myself ugly-crying, with my forehead leaning against the cold stone floor I cryed out so loud, growling, roaring like a primitive animal. My tears, spit ran out of my mouth, slimy snot from my nose flooding over the floor beneath my face.
There, the dam of holding back tears finally bursts, as I learned at an early age to qiuet-cry. Still, as an adult I cry totally soundless. I wasn't allowed to sound when I was sad, it triggered outrage, my mom and my sisters went mad, crazy and furious if I cried, spiced up with mockery and ridicule.
So, when I saw my mom laying dead in the coffin, I could cry for the first time ever, in her presence. She couldn't do anything about it.
No outrage. No furious. No mockery. No ridicule.
I was taken by surprise by my reaction. Hearing myself ugly-crying!? I had no clue I could cry but soundless.
In the aftermath, I realized that the moment was really special and super important for me in a therapeutic way. I wasn't even sure if I should go to see her in the chapel. Above all, I also missed the flight so it was a little project as everything had to be cancelled and rearranged with friends picking me up at the airport, the chapel appointment, etc. I had to re-think, I thought it was maybe better for me not going to see my mom in the chapel. But then I felt a strong drive, convincing me to go there at any cost. The plot tightened as the flight was delayed and my friend who picked me up at the airport, get lost when driving to the chapel and after a huge detour we finally end up with screaming wheels, flying gravel, me jumping out of the car when still driving, leaving the car door open, running into the chapel.
Keep in mind - I didn't cry one single tear for my mom. It was all for me.
One year later, 2014, I learned for the first time about narcissism. The rest is history.
@@fantasip A heartbreaking but also healing story... congratulations on surviving such horrible pain. I wish you all the healing and love you so deserve!
This was exactly what I was thinking about today. Your videos are so valuable. Thank you for being there for those of us unable to access psychotherapy.
WOW!!!! This is so powerful, you have such a keen sense to the finest detail, you have explained me to the core, I hope to be at that place one day where the inward journey doesn't derive anxiety and cause me to run away and remain the scapegoated person who sabotages her own healing path and life!
Thank you. This is where I am in my healing. Acceptance and loving myself! Thank you for your support!
Thanks Jay! As always, spot on and timely for me. I now catch myself looking outside myself, or distracting myself, to keep myself from looking inside for answers. Often, when I look inside I feel pressure to give the right answers. So, I'm trying to just sit with myself in quiet, telling myself I don't need to figure anything out. Also, it helps to tell myself "I'm so sorry for what happened", especially when I find myself trying to make my case for myself in my head.
This video especially resonates with me. I spent most of my life never asking myself any important questions like what I really wanted, what career I wanted, how I wanted to dress or express myself. I always bypassed that and just did what I felt my mom wanted me to do because it felt safer. It felt like anything that came from me would be wrong or embarrassing. I spent my whole life cut off from myself. To find out now, in my 30's, that that wasn't the way I was supposed to feel about myself is so hard to wrap my head around. It's less painful to think I deserved or was supposed to think that way about myself.
Yeah me too
Love your videos, they are helping me so much after being raised by 2 NPD parents, one just passed away, it has been hell
You have no idea how valuable this is Dr! Thank you.🙏
Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am” seems appropriate here. It’s slowly changing the mindset that others are more worthy of forgiveness and compassion than ourselves, because it is the unconscious track installed by the narcissist. I find writing out, when I’m in a positive headspace, the times I felt capable or worthy and reading them when I feel less so replaces that track a little. It especially helps if I can hear it in the voice of someone I know cares about me and finds me valuable just because I am.
When started the inner work through meditation and exercise, bringing focus on my feelings acknowledging them and just sitting with them helped a lot. Also outer distractions are there in form of people reacting and opinionating. It's a challenge to find a balance between my trauma and triggers and other person or groups trauma and triggers.
I love focusing on topics around self love/care...looking inward. I like focusing on how my body feels, and what do I need right now.
Also I have a lot of fear sharing in ACA meetings. I try controlling what I say. It's terrifying, but I do share sometimes. I feel like the Narc took my voice.
You're having a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation.
A child of a narcissistic parent is either actively taught that they are of no value, or by neglecting the child, the child concludes they are of no value. The child then carries this belief with them when they leave home, hoping to get this validation from others. Because of their own bias against themselves which they believe to be true, They then seek out others who agree with this biased false belief. In therapy, hopefully, they stop looking to others for approval and find a way to approve of and love themselves. At home as a kid I routinely used my own brain to understand things and do well. This frustrated my mother who eventually told me, “If others knew you as well as I do, they would not have such a high opinion of you.” This not only shattered my self esteem, because I believed her, but blocked it from growing, because if you can’t trust your own mother, who can you trust? Lol But now I reject her earlier false message. Others were right when they treated me with respect. I am ok. As a voice once said to me in a dream,”The only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you.”😀I like to shorten and simplify things. This is from some of early life training in journalism. Jay you do great work! ❤️
Beautifully said.. so helpful. Thanks
These videos are sacred tomes that belong in the annals of history. Truly grounding! With no fluff or confusion.
In 2017, I finally discovered that my father is narcissistic via watching you tube! My therapists since the nineties never disclosed that to me! I had to research and diagnose him myself.
I appreciate that your talks emphasize childhood. Yes, later as adults narcissism impacts relationships, but the narcissists met in adulthood were created in childhood. So helping educate us might help stop the cycle. Your approach is like a medical system that prevents disease before it happens instead of treating the symptoms. Many people wind up getting involved with narcissists because they were abused by narcissistic parents. If we learn how our childhoods set us up to accept abuse, we will be able as adults to recognize abuse and the damage it does. We will be better prepared to choose healthy marriages, friendships and careers.
thank you so much Dr Jay Reid for sharing so valuable information here for free
Hi Jay ! I want to say thank you for your videos. They have been extremely helpful for me as I am navigating this healing journey.
I've walked down the road feeling empty looking at people as they pass , looking at them to fill that void , strange feeling , your always taught to look outwards , iam 59 gone no contact , I now realise iam looking inward without realising it , thanks for a great video jay .
This is a great point. It's easy to see how narcissism is transmitted across generations (Jay's early comments in this video about assembling external accomplishments to feel whole) and really useful to be aware of, as one recovers. The caring for oneself can seem very selfish, at first, but what I've found is that I can't FREELY give anything--including love and care--to others, unless I've fully loved and cared for myself first. I used to be much more caring toward others than I am now, but I hoped for a lot from them in exchange, and even hoped that the caring itself would make me feel better. We can't freely give from a state of internal lack; we can't truly afford that, and there will be strings attached to our giving, even if we aren't consciously aware of those strings. We can only give freely from our own abundance, and must love and care for ourselves first, to build up that reserve from which we can give. Thanks as always, Jay!
Yes, gentleness. Sometimes I feel like, "I got this now". Yet, after a recent setback with life- it seems to have "triggered" my stability. Or, perhaps I could ask, "what does grief look like and feel like? (i'l check your other videos)". Maybe it's the process of grief. Thank you again.
God bless you
I find that when I'm experiencing strong negative emotions, it feels like I dont have the capacity to support myself. The feeling is that I need someone else to help, that I'm not capable on my own. And truthfully, im not very capable in those moments... I regress quite a bit and feel very helpless, hopeless, and lost. I lose my capacity for reasoning and problem solving. The overwhelming feeling is a panicked "I need someone to help me!"
So the question is... how do I learn to trust in myself when all evidence points to me being emotionally immature and incapable? My capacity for self compassion isnt great and it's so difficult to use any skills when they're most needed. I seem to want better support than I'm able to offer at this stage so I keep rejecting my own support as "not good enough."
So true. It's so easy to feel compassion for others, but so difficult to feel that for oneself.
Hmmm yeh I always think after these books these meditations, these audios, this therapy, then ill be healed.
Do something you enjoy, at your pace, for you!
This is incredibly value and helpful to me. Thank you so much. I had no idea that I had resources within myself and I’ve spent years outside of the narcissistic home I grew up in trying to find what has apparently been within myself all along. Excited to learn how to give compassion to myself.
you dont know how deeply I appreciate you, Thank you, Thank you and Thank you 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
This does explain for me the period of my life in my late teens and through my 20s, where I had no idea where and how I was supposed to, or could, fit into the world. I was completely adrift and overwhelmed-no sense of my own agency or even my inherent right to HAVE any agency. I really could have used some healthy guidance but never got it, and it never occurred to me to seek it out. It’s taken decades to build back and still working on it.
You so kind for sharing this. Thank you 🙏
The “right to have agency”
That really hit.
Always been left in confusion about your capabilities. Self doubt being stirred up with in you. Low self confidence blocking you from accessing that sense of agency.
Thank you for sharing this insight and knowledge. I am finding it immensely helpful.
people thrown around "looking inward" but EXACTLY is that? what EXACTLY does that LOOK like?? what behaviors? what attitudes or thoughts to focus on? (it is completely foreign... and seemingly not an accepted 'virtue') HOW and "what" is paying attention to ones self?
@@Rubybuby34 thank you what a beautiful response
Try starting with simple things, simple questions. What really matters to ME? What do I want? How do I feel? What would be best for ME in this situation? If I was my own small child, what would I do for that small child? How would I talk to that small child? If I was a stranger I was meeting for the first time, what questions would I ask, to further the acquaintance? How would I respond to the answers to those questions?
Thank you so much for all your helpful content! 💛
Thank you your are always so articulate! I appreciate all the help you give, you are truely amazing!
I also appreciate that there isnt contempt for the narcissistic parent in your content. A lot of us are still figuring out everything while still loving that parent. I dont feel that I need any more negativity while I am trying to find myself. I want to have compassion for all things, I dont want vindictiveness to cloud what I am trying to do now. I hope that makes sense.
Not retaining love for a BRUTAL parent is NOT "vindictiveness" it is honest death of undeserved love ..
This is quite meaningful and helpful, thank you.
Blessings 🙏
My dream would be to have a few months alone in the woods, just to be with myself, reparent myself, in the beauty and serenity of nature.
Thank you so much for this information. This video clarified so much for me. What an epiphany! Bless you! I wish you were my counselor!
I get all confused on which video to watch. I’m trying to heal..
Thank you!! finally a path to an inner locus of control.
I found the perspective offered in this video so helpful. Thank you ❤️
I wonder how the 'self sooth cry it out technique' ruptures this process of the external possessing a perfect reflection of the internal grace and ease of being an infant.
Thank you for this extremely helpful and supportive video.
Thank you!
At first I read this as “looking forward to being whole”
Dr Jay Reid could you do a video about/called “looking forward to being whole”???
I think there are societal norms in whatever era a person is born into that plays a part in this type of abuse pattern, which would be an interesting topic to hear discussed. I like your way of presenting information. It provides a solid point of view to heal. I have found your suggestion of moving the body in a chaotic fashion to be helpful. Doing that I felt it assisted in reconnecting myself to my intuitive instinct. I'm not good at reading people which causes boundary issues. I find myself having to retreat fully to regain my own perspective. Even if my reasons for doing so are valid e.i. someone is a crappy person. My judgement of them seems like an excuse because I'm really feeling like it is self preservation.
You are a wonderful person for helping people like you do...thank you..
Thanks Jay!
Thank you, very helpful
great video but over the head of many of us early on. We build ourselves homes, lives, built on our childhood instructions. Those instructions resulted in our building a house of horrors. Just looking inward is not going to work at first. Our inward self is covered in crap. We have to realize that we were programmed to build houses of horrors based on our being told by our parents that we are crap. Now, as adults we are surrounded by crap memories, friends, families, careers. We need to move out and build a new house of beauty built on lovely, healthy, soft but strong beliefs about ourselves. To do this we need healthy, supportive friends. I, personally, don't believe anyone can do this alone. Support groups are great if the cost of counseling is a bridge too far.
Thank you.
So I've been working to lessen my inner critic by changing the language of my self-talk. What other specific, practical ways can we put self compassion into our daily practice, to build the habit?
We such somebodies and so up to snuff until, then we're dirt, huh? Remove the narc's insults and voilà, back once more! Do not value their opinions, they are ill mannered bullies who somehow think throwing you their worst will make you obey them!
What do you do when your heart is broke and you can nor WANT to open it up again to people?
Yes ✨✨
My dad has such a low emotional intelligence that it makes me emotionally immature too!
And i think we're "still waiting"deep down for our parent to "come around". We're' still waiting for them to grow up, I suppose. But they never do. Because they enjoy getting away with what want behind their kid's back. Some people shouldn't adopt children. Aren't I just terrible for being so ungrateful? "More please."
Remember everyone, your PAIN is ALWAYS someone else's PROFIT.
REMEMBER THIS.
163-0.
I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl! Even though I’m old, I dream about my favorite t.v. show Leave it to Beaver and his amazing dad!😂❤
I lost my soul
If we find our value in God, we will heal. This is the ONLY way!!
My puppy gave me all of the love I ever wanted, but when the Veternarian illegally killed her, it destroyed my happiness!
Your shpw is too painful to watch. Have been the target of abuse, including sexual abuse at the hands of my sick Narcissistic family.. I will never get out of the mess I'm in.
Never give up. Maybe you need to show your anger and learn to manage it in therapy. Remember that people who read your post don’t know you but love you and support you because you deserve it.