you might not be fully healed but you can get strong enough to feel good by eliminating them from your life. i did it and it feels better every day. when i have a new "acquaintance" in my life and i don't feel right about that person i go gray rock on them early enough they don't even notice. its easy and i don't need friends or attention badly enough to make myself vulnerable to idiots and assholes that don't get it.
@@truescotsman4103 So true Scotsman. I did one over here called Going grey man, it's something I've really only started putting into practice more recently. It's so against my true nature of being very friendly and honest to everyone. Bottom line, you gotta look out for #1, and there sure are too many A-holes out there. Rafal has a good point though, I was forced to go No Contact with a toxic family, that's when the healing began.
Agreed! If NOT playing their stupid game makes me "weak" or even the so-called "narcissist" back to them? Good! Escape PERMANENTLY SPEAKING is all that matters at some point
@@TheBlackSheepDiaries I sooo understand when you said "it goes against my true nature of being very kind and honest " ... But those are boundaries to learn which narcissistic parents never teachead us if not the opposite to not have boundaries and to let them abuse us.. Mostly I've been abused as well as in my adult life for this exact reason. For being like this ,I was the right prey for this losers. Too kind and open minded and no boundaries. It is a beautiful human thing to be like kind and emphatic but around them is really dangerous. I still believe some people doesn't deserve to have children🙄😤 Anyway ,I wish you the best on your healing journey ❤️❤️❤️
The problem is that parent will abandon over and over again and the cycle does not end because they don’t respect you. Too much envy, too much hatred, too much disdain and disregard, too much neglect and no love makes you want to run away. I have found that it is better to stay away.
So true Jay Sometimes it helps to stop intellectualising and stop making excuses for other people’s disrespect or thoughtlessness. Emotional pain is an important message that deserves our care and consideration.
You are SUCH a good therapist! You don't seek to understand the dysfunctional dynamic/make a person cope with it, you don't try to make the person seeking therapy accept the reality/dismiss the pain and injury to the self, you promote and help foster a healthy sense of worth and value to the person by recognizing the right versus wrong behavior and allow the person to detach from what they received, and point them to what is more loving and healthy, in tangible and loving ways. You make it very clear what should be received from what was received. Most people in therapy don't have a great image of what SHOULD be received and are often counseled to cope and manage through it. But feelings don't change or transform by this at all!
@@Emile-philiaAgreed. It feels like therapists are being complicit when they say the narcissist isn’t “capable” of anything else. It feels like they are saying one has to just put up with the narcissist irrespective of how much emotional pain they are causing you.
Very well put by the comment writer! Thank you Jay! Powerful to hear on this on this christmas murning. ...:-) Wish you, me and everyone the best christmas 😍🌅🔮🦋🙏💝🧘💞🍰🎄🍀🎶🧭🧘♀️and peace in our mind and heart. Love, Annika
My heart breaks for all the relationships I put 110% in with people who could barely reciprocate, or worse belittle me. I am angry my parents groomed me into such misery.
You have the right to feel anger if you've been in any kind of toxic relationship especially with parents and especially a narcissist ic ones ... Don't feel bad about it,you were just an innocent child and they never deserved you ❤️😚
Me and my siblings never learned healthy boundaries from my parents. In fact it was my parents who often crossed those boundaries. When me and my siblings entered the world as young adults we were not equipped to defend ourselves when people crossed boundaries at work or relationships. My older golden child sister seemed to be exempt from this, she knew how to have boundaries in the world because they were offered to her at home. What made me the target and scapegoat was I was asserting boundaries with my mom in middle school. My mom spent the subsequent years eroding my confidence and attacking me at home. In just a few years I was transformed from a confident young teen who knew how to defend herself to someone who became a people pleaser and as my GC sister liked to call me: “pushover”. In my 20s was when the abuse was the worst since my mom had turned both sisters against me. I often thought back to the brave middle school girl who fought for what right and wondered what happened to her. The only cure that worked to restore my confidence was no contact. From all of them.
Thanks, Theresa. Cinderella was my favorite Disney film as a child. My mom spoiled that too since she nicknamed herself “Cinderella”, claiming she was treated like one. They never miss an opportunity to be the victim.
My mother never made any secret of the fact that she would reject and abandon me if I went against her. 40 years later, I finally did. Guess what happened...
Same. Since I remember she was always telling me she don't have child if I won't do xyz. She never helped me, she just treated me worse than crap....I cut her off completely from my life on her own wish. There is no turing back
Lowering Your Emotional Pain Threshold After Narcissistic Abuse - THE EMPATH STRIKES BACK! It amazes me how well you 'get it', more than most. A video about setting boundaries would be a great follow-up next week.
I've had a mega high tolerance for abuse and even neglect in my past relationships. The bar was set so high that abusive narrsasist's walked right under it. My recovery efforts reward me with flashbacks to incident's I let, (or thought I let) go over my head. Our Inner child is ready and willing to show and tell us who did the harm, as long as we acknowledge and communicate our failing to stop the abuse. However children are remarkably forgiving. Several of my past girlfriends were slap, pinch and punch happy which esculated over time. I won't let this happen to me again
zero tolerance gets you to a really lonely place then you can rebuild with healthy people when you can see clearly. it takes time and its isolating but you clear out all the assholes you don't need and you find out how much they really need you. they don't and you don't need them either.
I have a high tolerance to emotional abuse as a direct result of my mother's Narcissistic abuse towards me from childhood to current. For 3 years I've been on a journey to learn everything I can know about these people so I can begin to understand myself and heal. It's been extremely healing and beneficial to be able to put all of this together under a few diagnosis. My jaw dropped when I first discovered the defining factors of a Narcissist. "It's my mother.. OMG it's my mother and this has been my life with her!" That was my reaction! As far back as I can remember she use to tell me " I'm going to kill you when you turn 12 so you don't get pregnant. I'm won't let you be a loving person like your father because love is weakness and he is weak."! Back when I was around 6yo I remember sitting on the counter while she fried pork chops and I was enjoying my time with her and she looks at me and tells me to try a piece of the meat and encouraged me to agree that it was delicious.. then she went on to tell me that she killed my father and chopped him up into the meat she was frying.. I was immediately terrified and sick and she let out a wickedly loud laugh and went on to tell me how stupid I was for believing her. Again, I was about 6 years old. My childhood was filled with fears of the Devil dragging me out of bed by my hair.. which was one of my mom's famous threats. Unbeknownst to me as a child, it was my mother crawling around in my room at night making noises and pulling my hair. She admitted it after I turned 18 years old. Sick woman!!! Lots of wounds related to her. Thankful for people like you who are putting this information out there for people like me! I've healed many wounds because of content/info like this! Forever grateful!
Thanks Jay for your detailed and nuanced "information" about the mechanism in being emotionally abused. Explaining how it works, for the surviver, is a kind of restoration tool that allows to see things clearer in the emotional fog of narcissistic abuse. I have left the surviving phase behind, learning more about thriving instead
The scariest and most lonely place to be is living as a scapegoat with the abuser parent and/or living as a scapegoat where ever you go, no matter if sorrounded by millions. Being on one's own is always been hard but being away from abusers is healing. And it's complicated to lower your pain threshold towards any disrespect because it immediately means your scars begin to hurt more as you realize the inflicted wounds, which can take you years to get to acknowledge them all and completely , also how badly they have crippled you. Each attempt to apeace the abuser is one more wound of self betrayal to your account. After 56 years in my role and all of the damage, by proxy, I passed on to my only son who has been drug addict for 13 years, almost half of his life, and being very difficult for me to heal our relationship, I'm truly very sad and feel quite dispared as I progressively become aware of how my codependency made me so blind and clumsy when raising my beloved son. An undeserved pain, althogh I'm used to feeling this way it seems only to be getting worse as I open my eyes.
You are so right. The old pains come back full on as we heal. I just try to sit with them as best I can. Sometimes I can't though.... Good luck in your journey. You probably won't believe me but as you heal, your son will notice.
i agree. letting go of that emotional pain that lingers for a lifetime is the real challenge. I was treated horribly as a child and a teen then abandoned literally on the street overnight in the city. the pain goes away when you let it go. the pain goes away when you fight back so hard it actually makes you feel good. do it again. treat others the best you can and it makes you free of the way they treated you. the pain goes away when they die. im 56 too ive been alone like solo my whole life. i made it im in a good place now after all this shit. i hope you make it. i know its possible. anything is possible.
@@truescotsman4103 Well, that's kind and wise. I will try to follow your advices. What I do is to let pain be felt as hard as it wants to be, without using alcohol or any other way of coping trap, I cry a lot and hard and then I'm able to move on a little bit more. Understanding my wrong doings makes me change and become kinder, as you said, to me and to others (except for narcs, that's too much to ask).
Almost 56 here myself and trying to heal after finally going no contact or gray rock with all the narcs in my life. Self compassion is the only thing that truly helps, and it definitely takes work. May I recommend checking out Gabor Mate? He wrote "When the Body Says No". His words have really resonated with me. Wishing you peace and healing 💕
You understand narcissistic abuse so well Jay, I wish my therapist understood it as well as you did. 2 years ago I moved back in with my narc mother as I had no where to go after losing my job around covid. Let's just say it was very traumatic. Two years later, I'm almost completely numb to the abuse. I am trying my quickest to get out.
You are the best--I actually understand my entire life, family and abuse thanks to you and Dr. Ramani here on YT. Combine forces and have a week-long counseling camp--I'll be first in line.
Yessssss Jay, YES!!!! No contact, self love and compassion is the HOLY GRAIL of dealing with narcs and all their cohorts and also from changing your own paradigm and attraction to same sort of people.
Thanks, Jay! I was in a particular romantic relationship for far too long, and at one point, he even said to me that he thought 'we were doing better,' because he was still doing the same stupid stuff, and I wasn't as upset about it anymore. I thought, REALLY? If he'd have been physically abusing me, would he have thought our relationship was better just because I stopped crying when he hit me? And yet I tolerated the emotional abuse because I was accustomed to it. The basic structure of our relationship was exactly that of my relationship with my mother. Realizing that was, in fact, the key that unlocked the door to my freedom.
This is very true! I felt like a narcissist magnet, but upon realising what was happening, I started being disgusted by a lot of people. And the "magnetic" effect stopped. I relearned judgement. I didn't realize the things I'd been accepting.
It really tells me where I'm at that i totally thought "lowering your pain threshold" meant learning to put up with even more abuse when i first read it
Thank you for your videos. The way you word these things really helps me have a deeper understanding and feel more validated. This video is timely for me today because my mother died four years ago today and I am still recovering from what she did. (And I feel a little guilty for writing that. We're trained to feel guilty for talking about parents hurting us.)
I get that feeling of guilt. I feel guilty because I don't feel close to my parents the way they think I do. They're elderly and have toned down their emotional manipulation. I've tried to be honest, but it just amps up their need to talk about how good we had it. I've always felt my mom's hurt more than my own, so I also feel like it would break my mom's spirit if she found out how I really feel. Yet, my parents were the ones breaking my spirit all those years. So sorry you are still feeling this. Our parents somehow taught us to feel guilty for how we feel and what we think. But our feelings are trying to tell us something important and we should have been taught to trust the feelings and learn from them. I don't feel close to my parents because so much of what they did was wrong, it's not because I'm uncaring. But it's a long process to begin to really believe that.
I think the phenomenon of one suffering through narcissistic abuse essentially learning to consider what is being done to them as not really as bad and that they in a way deserve it, have a role in it, in an attempt to take away or overshadow the need to feel the pain and horror from the realization that they are simply being tortured by the very people who were supposed to protect them accompanied by the realization that there's no safe place to run to is also at play. Another as you like to call it - 'ingenious survival method'.
Jaycee Dugard is the author of the memoir A Stolen Life, which tells the story of her kidnapping and eighteen years of captivity. Her second book is Freedom: My Book of Firsts.
In my opinion Child Abuse is something you never really get over..of course later on in my life, I allowed many people to walk all.over me..bad memories, painful beatings, I can't yell you how many times I think about all.this bad stuff. It's with me all.the time. The anti depressants didn't help me at all..thos is life lasting damage that is with me Every day. I just can't shake it. It's part of me now. Just for the record, I only hit my son once in his entire life.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for the kind and generous spirit in which you put such thought into recording and editing these videos and making them freely available. I have felt so validated and I feel such relief as I'm listening to them, I can't tell you what a valuable resource they've been for me. I hope they continue to be successful for you and for everyone who finds them 🙏🏼
Great content. I moved away from the abusive family relationships years ago. Some time later, I realised I was so used to being treated badly, I had attracted a whole group of ‘friends’ who were just toxic! I had in fact lowered my pain threshold (even though I didn’t have the words for that) and then I let those people go. Luckily I have a supportive partner and a few real friends. I can’t thank you enough for articulating these things. I don’t think anyone on the web covers these topics with quite the same angles and insights. With each video that I watch I feel restored.
This is very very important. I used to live on a so perfectionistic level, basically did not matter how I felt went on. And also, I surrounded myself with people who disrespected me. If you want to heal, it is absolutely important to stop "toughening up" (that is traumatized people's go-to response). You have been tough enough all your life, trust me. Now focus on being happy.
This very day I was talking about how I developed callouses from repeated painful abrasions while learning to play a musical instrument and how that related to numbing up emotionally against repeated unbearable pain . . . so hearing you use that same word drove home your message and exposed the underlying reasons why it happens and what to do about it and not make excuses for mistreatment, but protect oneself from it. Thank you for sharing your ongoing insights, they always help me so much.
As a result of enduring such trainings, now you have the skill, the sensivity and the knowledege to play your instrument kindly and artisticaly thruogh your life!
It’s so weird having had parents, however parents that you could never go to for comfort or care or nurturing. Like is that really a real thing I can have in a relationship. I feel like that’s a wild dream for me, it would be so lovely though.
Reminds me of a coworker that told me about her horrific sexual, physical and emotional abuse by her parents, step-parents, and later her ex-husband. Yet she ended the conversation saying how much they all really loved her. I asked her if she ever got counseling and she said that "Jesus" was her counselor. She said she got through it all by being "strong". That, in itself, makes it all even more tragic.
The content video is brilliant!!! Thank you Jay. I learned at a very young age to just "take the punch", literally & figuratively and remain numb & slightly dissociated in order to survive. In order to heal now, it is necessary for me to allow myself to be vulnerable.
True but there are more than there was a decade ago, I wasn't even understood by a therapist until the past 2 years, most of them would just attempt to re direct my experiences back to what I owed my parents or family and how I should forgive which only made me feel worse about myself. I don't owe anyone who heinously abused me and left me to fend for myself thru out life anything and I do know there are more resources now to help us see some light in this dark tunnel so many books like Pete Walkers CPTSD & The body keeps the score, Self Healers/Do the work by Nicole Lepera and the trauma series by Dr. Gabor Mate', Scapegoating Glynis Sherwood & of course Jay Reid, I hope you are able to find what you need to begin healing these just are some of my most helpful resources.
Hi Have you ever tried EMDR therapy ? This is good for traumas, dissociation,abuse ,PTSD. If you like read about it maybe it can be helpful... If I could afford that I'd like to try. 🖐️🌺
This extremely helpful to me as I did make excuses for person who treated me poorly. I need to lower my emotional pain threshold. I’ve been working on it, it seems unconsciously so, but your video has cast light on this and I feel more empowered. Thank you!
So the correct thing to do is the opposite of what i have been thinking i should do. I have been thinking i should learn to toughen up, and not let things bother me so much. But maybe there is a reason certain things bother me so much, and i should take it as a warning sign to stay away.
I have spent the last five years listening to many therapists to heal from a lifetime of emotional abuse. Your videos, which I have just recently discovered, have been most helpful from many aspects. Thank you!!
Everything ,I mean everything you say fits exactly with my experience.I have done a lot of therapy work and none has been to the point like your work, in fact to the contrary. You are validating all my intuitions about what I needed and making it clear which is helping me to stop second guessing myself: lower pain threshold going where you get respect etc etc etc. Thank you so much! You are brilliant and you know deeply what you are talking about!
For decades I’ve allowed people to hurt me emotionally with their words because I didn’t know it was okay not to receive that. I would feel hurt but I’d let them do it again and again. In this season of life I realize that I don’t need to subject myself to this abuse. Thank you for putting words to the grief that we as scapegoats face.
I’m sick of narcissistic stuff but still need to hear this to keep me aligned to keep it cool and avoid these ppl. Thanks for sharing. P.S you’re really cute!
Wow… yes. It’s why Im crying so much… I don’t recall ever crying in the felt-sense of empathy for myself that I am now… yes crying from deep pain and almost punishment of myself while crying, crying from frustration and confusion… but now I’m crying connected to my heart ❤️ thank you. It’s like, just through your videos, your understanding and creative wisdom and your good energy/emotion, I’ve been properly understood/mirrored in my experience for the first time. Everything I’m learning is so healing and at the same time stirring up all the emotions I haven’t processed due to how… how what was mirrored to me was there was to be no empathy for me… and to feel for myself was even wrong… and also, I’ve had to be strong to survive… it’s like when you go to go get a massage and as you’re massaged you realize how tight your muscles are and then you’re sore 😂 but it helps you feel better too … those callouses just allowed me to keep on taking it and taking it and trying and trying! And I thought I was being a strong person because I was doing something hard but out of trying to be good. Boy, is clarity of language important like you said… the words love and the words good and true especially and also strength can be weaponized against oneself! I’ve been so into linguistics for a while and now I know why… I already knew I was in a difficult place but now I see clearly how much more of it there is 😂 w all these new awarenesses but ironically, it’s seeing all of it that’s going to allow me to get to a better place and really create the life and love I’ve always wanted ☀️
Man alive - you make me cry so often! whew. Sometimes though narcissistic abuse is lifelong so it's not safe to lower one's pain threshold in at least one segment of one's life. Amazing how we can adapt ourselves into "segments" in order to survive and hopefully, thrive. Thank you for your brilliant talks. Oh, and I remember Rambo well so you're not too old yet lol.
I've cried too..😌 But it was a good cry . I've felt a sense of relief and I've also felt validated. I might don't know you but I send a you a BIG HUG 💕💕🌺 We're all here on the same boat,with different experiences but on the same boat ⛵
@@beautifulawareness1707 Then here’s another one… xo. Sometimes when we’ve done all we can all that is left to us is to just stand, to lament and grieve together. I know that stars twinkle only in the darkness, spring follows winter and the dawn after a long night, and it’s too often glibly stated to focus only on the stars, spring and dawn but I find that it is when I acknowledge the darkness, winter and long night that I most appreciate a warm, snuggly bed which feels almost as comforting as a loving hug. I wish you all the best xo
8:44 that’s a dangerous zone society is in right now. Where it became popular a few years back to have no feelings- just to have less responsibility for our actions towards others and blame their feelings instead of being accountable for our own contributions to social situations.
Thank you Jay for your videos. Yes, Self-Care if the key. Love yourself. Walking away from my siblings gives me peace and guilt. I feel bad I have to stay away- but, it's for protection.
Thank you Jay! I know you’re helping lots of people with these videos. I don’t remember which video I was watching, but I think the most profound thing that you have taught me so far is that I will never be in such an intense and detrimental power dynamic again. Being the scape goat in a narcissistic family system, and now having left that system. It makes me feel less afraid of life and living and other people. It gives me hope! Thank you!
Dr. Reid, your insight, empathy, and guidance are definitely a gift. Thank you for taking the time to research and record your educational videos. Best therapy ever.
You are the first one who acknowledges the fact that is not only so much ' inner strenght' that is the holy grill to abusing behaviour but that cutting people of can also be very healthy. TY.
I have a lot of narcissistic abusers in my life. They range from people I know the people I don't know and people that have come across on a daily basis
This is my biggest problem. Feel like several therapists I've had , have had the hardest time helping find solutions for this. Thank you for these videos.
This was very helpful. Thank you. I’m spending today deciding if I should end my first dating relationship since I started healing 3+ years ago. I realized I don’t feel safe or valued in this relationship, so I’m going to end it. This video was very helpful.
Why would a narcissist abuse others who possess a trait, when they could use their energy to cultivate the traits they want to have instead of using their energy to abuse? That’s such a waste of the time everyone involved.
They prefer to steal it from you it's a less work (at least that's what they believe) but you can't steal anyone's character 😶. They mimick you , pretend to be you. They hate you deeply but secretly admire you. But of course they should make it to look the other way around otherwise they're very small ego get crushed
I use to ask myself the same question over and over again until I understood that they have a complete different way of thinking and acting that sane people with love and empathy have.
Out of 5 kids. i was 2cnd eldest daughter and scapegoated horribly by both narc parents. I had a nervous break down at 12 due to the abuse and neglect. The psychologist they sent me to was a man in a suit and men in suits scared me because of my fathers drunken violence and bullying.{he wore suits}. When the psych asked me what was wrong... I was petrified to talk thinking he would strike back. The only words I could utter with tears and shaking like a leaf was " Im worried about my future"... looking down at the ground.He immediately got up sent me to the lobby and said. I need to talk to your parents. He then told them there was nothing wrong with me but there was something wrong with whatever they are doing to me and in fact they needed to come see him if they wanted my life to be good. My father went... My mother refused blaming it all on my father. the psych asked my father who spent majority of time with me as he was rarely home {thank god} accept at night and on weekends. Anyhow the psych said there is nothing he can do without both parents there and my father left and they continued the constant abuse,bullying and neglect my entire life. I was a wreck.Messed up my entire life,relationships etc...All siblings learned to scapegoat me. parents are dead now and I put an end to all contact with my siblings. They seemed to get worse and more neglectful,disrespectful etc.... after the narc parents passed. And quite honestly my nervous system couldn't take anymore....I wish I had the strength to do this long ago and stand up for myself.But low self esteem makes one feel powerless.My mother smiled for all the world to see and went to her church every week. She thought she was the "perfect mother" but reality was growing up with her behind closed doors was a nightmare...and the father as well.....So I thank you infinitely for these wonderful,insightful videos Jay!!!! You are amazing....
I always come here for comfort when i feel too overloaded with unbearable narcissistic energy. It is agony and enmeshment is the worst thing to experience ❤
This is so healing to me, and just what I needed today. There are some sad things in the news, about good people being hurt. For some reason I'm overly empathetic, and having a hard time. I feel like I might crumple up. After your video, I flash back at parents who had a blank, cold stare when all I needed was a little bit of empathy. Now I know, they had none to give. They were preoccupied with appearances. Thanks Jay. Awesome is so overused, but that's what you are.
This video was perfect. I think it articulates something I have been feeling and wondering/thinking about but I couldn’t quite put into words. Thank you again. It is invaluable information for me.
Much needed video! These are my patterns. Wondering if I'm too sensitive, making a mountain out of a molehill. "That person didn't mean it." And making things my fault when the other had just as much responsibility in the situation, and then feeling had for cutting off "another" relationship. Safety and respect has become my top priority now that I can enjoy my own company.
Very good Jay! I´ve got dimensions within myself visible by your explenations. This piece of my identity-puzzle was not there (or visible) before this video. I am 48 years old where I am the Scapegoat. I live in Stockholm Sweden.
My ex narcissistic therapist did the opposite of lowering my emotional pain threshold. She tried to convince me to stay in those inconsistent and unsafe relationships. She said I had a tendency to leave too quickly. So No.
This is fantastic and was so helpful for me to read today, thank you. I had this thought that if I am strong that I should no longer be triggered and that’s just not true.
No. I'm at a place now where I understand the significance of words in context. There isn't a human being alive on this planet that can say one word that will hurt me in any context and its okay I don't need to be cured of this condition. I'm still sensitive and able to easily discern when a person or event or what ever is causing me "emotional pain" and its just shit happens. Emotional weakness or sensitivity is regressive it's not productive to growth and becoming stronger. you need to be impervious to things like emotional attack or personal disappointment that might lead to some negative emotional response like crying or having some sort of hysterical fit. emotions are for children. you can be a sensitive caring and emotionally available person without lowering your "emotional pain threshold". stoicism is the antidote for emotional pain. I have a chronic pain condition and I used to cry from it and still do at times. when you fight the physical pain it defeats the emotional pain. when you understand what's causing you emotional pain it goes away. i was abused but now i understand so i doesn't hurt anymore. id rather have a higher threshold for pain in general than lower.
Thanks Jay! You never fail in putting out such insightful videos that seem to speak to so many of us! Could you make a video that speaks to getting past the need to make sense of how we can feel like the judgemental one when calling out a toxic persons behavior? When I ask them to consider me and my feelings, they say they are just responded to me being inconsiderate of them, usually because I didn't behave appropriately.
Can the focal point of this worthlessness displacement crest and wane over time? Can it have periods of pause or redirection? Can the narcissist change the person and the intensity of attack?
I'd say yes, yes, and yes, but the narcissist will never change their true feelings of superiority, lack of empathy, and need to control or get rid of those that may challenge any part of the equation.
Thank you! Do you have any videos on financial help from a narcissist parent? It can be really hard because it continues the cycle of 'you owe me!' Or I can say whatever I want or treat you like a loser.
I take it to mean we don't need to question ourselves about the motives of others' behavior if it feels bad. We don't tell ourselves I've handled worse than this, I can take it. We don't get stuck questioning another's motives. (And to add), watching out for the prior conditioning of being told we're too sensitive or someone saying it was a joke as an example of bringing it back to you. Let yourself remove yourself as soon as you start questioning. Lower that threshold. All the boundaries our caregivers were supposed to teach us growing up, we learn for ourselves now.
@@pelletier4432 You make a good point. If we honor what we DO feel, in regards to how others are treating us, rather than rationalizing it, we'll recalibrate over time. I've also found it very helpful to think, 'if I had a young daughter, would I want her to be treated like that?' And if the answer is no, then I shouldn't allow it for myself, either.
I reminders my mother of the sister she absolutely hated. E eryone who knew her sister agreed with her. When she was angry at something I did or said, she'd glare at me, hit me and tell me how similar I was to her sister..I never got to meet my aunt. I am not at all ashamed to yell.you how much I hate my mother today. She threw me out of the house and called me a whole when I told her how much I hated my father finding me in front of the whole family I was humiliated on a daily basis in front of strangers in the street. She always jumped on me. She was worse than an animal..she never hugged me She never told me she loved me. She saved all.her live for my nasty little brother, who naturally joined in on the abuse..my when childhood was a mess. It's a miracle I'm alive today.
She stood there while my father fondled me and told me that I had thick Polish ankles..thingsike that..can you imagine? Thick Pish ankles. What the Hell.does That mean?
Trying to heal while still being in contact with toxic people is like trying to blow dry hair standing in the middle of the storm.
you might not be fully healed but you can get strong enough to feel good by eliminating them from your life. i did it and it feels better every day. when i have a new "acquaintance" in my life and i don't feel right about that person i go gray rock on them early enough they don't even notice. its easy and i don't need friends or attention badly enough to make myself vulnerable to idiots and assholes that don't get it.
@@truescotsman4103 So true Scotsman. I did one over here called Going grey man, it's something I've really only started putting into practice more recently. It's so against my true nature of being very friendly and honest to everyone. Bottom line, you gotta look out for #1, and there sure are too many A-holes out there. Rafal has a good point though, I was forced to go No Contact with a toxic family, that's when the healing began.
thanks for saying that .. relieves me to know I'm not alone
Agreed! If NOT playing their stupid game makes me "weak" or even the so-called "narcissist" back to them? Good! Escape PERMANENTLY SPEAKING is all that matters at some point
@@TheBlackSheepDiaries I sooo understand when you said "it goes against my true nature of being very kind and honest " ... But those are boundaries to learn which narcissistic parents never teachead us if not the opposite to not have boundaries and to let them abuse us..
Mostly I've been abused as well as in my adult life for this exact reason. For being like this ,I was the right prey for this losers. Too kind and open minded and no boundaries. It is a beautiful human thing to be like kind and emphatic but around them is really dangerous.
I still believe some people doesn't deserve to have children🙄😤
Anyway ,I wish you the best on your healing journey ❤️❤️❤️
The problem is that parent will abandon over and over again and the cycle does not end because they don’t respect you. Too much envy, too much hatred, too much disdain and disregard, too much neglect and no love makes you want to run away. I have found that it is better to stay away.
So true Jay
Sometimes it helps to stop intellectualising and stop making excuses for other people’s disrespect or thoughtlessness. Emotional pain is an important message that deserves our care and consideration.
brilliant +1
You are SUCH a good therapist! You don't seek to understand the dysfunctional dynamic/make a person cope with it, you don't try to make the person seeking therapy accept the reality/dismiss the pain and injury to the self, you promote and help foster a healthy sense of worth and value to the person by recognizing the right versus wrong behavior and allow the person to detach from what they received, and point them to what is more loving and healthy, in tangible and loving ways. You make it very clear what should be received from what was received. Most people in therapy don't have a great image of what SHOULD be received and are often counseled to cope and manage through it. But feelings don't change or transform by this at all!
Well put. "You cannot change other people" isn't a helpful message to a scapegoat. That's the message the narcissist needs.
@@Emile-philiaAgreed. It feels like therapists are being complicit when they say the narcissist isn’t “capable” of anything else. It feels like they are saying one has to just put up with the narcissist irrespective of how much emotional pain they are causing you.
Very well put by the comment writer! Thank you Jay! Powerful to hear on this on this christmas murning. ...:-) Wish you, me and everyone the best christmas 😍🌅🔮🦋🙏💝🧘💞🍰🎄🍀🎶🧭🧘♀️and peace in our mind and heart. Love, Annika
My heart breaks for all the relationships I put 110% in with people who could barely reciprocate, or worse belittle me. I am angry my parents groomed me into such misery.
You have the right to feel anger if you've been in any kind of toxic relationship especially with parents and especially a narcissist ic ones ...
Don't feel bad about it,you were just an innocent child and they never deserved you ❤️😚
Severe abuse & neglect. How many have survived this? Millions. i imagine.
Me and my siblings never learned healthy boundaries from my parents. In fact it was my parents who often crossed those boundaries. When me and my siblings entered the world as young adults we were not equipped to defend ourselves when people crossed boundaries at work or relationships. My older golden child sister seemed to be exempt from this, she knew how to have boundaries in the world because they were offered to her at home.
What made me the target and scapegoat was I was asserting boundaries with my mom in middle school. My mom spent the subsequent years eroding my confidence and attacking me at home. In just a few years I was transformed from a confident young teen who knew how to defend herself to someone who became a people pleaser and as my GC sister liked to call me: “pushover”. In my 20s was when the abuse was the worst since my mom had turned both sisters against me. I often thought back to the brave middle school girl who fought for what right and wondered what happened to her.
The only cure that worked to restore my confidence was no contact. From all of them.
That's a Cinderella story if I ever heard one🥰
That is also my story. I cut them all out. My life is so good now after over 2 years.
Scapegoats are psychologically the strongest, you're a warrior!
Thanks, Theresa. Cinderella was my favorite Disney film as a child. My mom spoiled that too since she nicknamed herself “Cinderella”, claiming she was treated like one. They never miss an opportunity to be the victim.
Leslie Ann, I’m glad you went no contact.
My mother never made any secret of the fact that she would reject and abandon me if I went against her. 40 years later, I finally did. Guess what happened...
❤️ same!
Same. Since I remember she was always telling me she don't have child if I won't do xyz. She never helped me, she just treated me worse than crap....I cut her off completely from my life on her own wish. There is no turing back
Her loss not yours.
Lowering Your Emotional Pain Threshold After Narcissistic Abuse - THE EMPATH STRIKES BACK!
It amazes me how well you 'get it', more than most. A video about setting boundaries would be a great follow-up next week.
I've had a mega high tolerance for abuse and even neglect in my past relationships. The bar was set so high that abusive narrsasist's walked right under it.
My recovery efforts reward me with flashbacks to incident's I let, (or thought I let) go over my head. Our Inner child is ready and willing to show and tell us who did the harm, as long as we acknowledge and communicate our failing to stop the abuse.
However children are remarkably forgiving. Several of my past girlfriends were slap, pinch and punch happy which esculated over time. I won't let this happen to me again
zero tolerance gets you to a really lonely place then you can rebuild with healthy people when you can see clearly. it takes time and its isolating but you clear out all the assholes you don't need and you find out how much they really need you. they don't and you don't need them either.
Great comment!
@@truescotsman4103 I totally agree. I’ve just got rid of one more. 🥳🥳🥳🍺
This really hits the mark. Thanks Dr. Jay. Work environments that allow abuse are just the worst.
***JAY REID IS A CEREBRAL SAINT OF HUMAN DIGNITY, TRIUMPH & SOVEREIGNTY. HE IS THE MOST "IN TOUCH" PROFESSIONAL I HAVE EVER HEARD ON THIS SUBJECT***
I have a high tolerance to emotional abuse as a direct result of my mother's Narcissistic abuse towards me from childhood to current. For 3 years I've been on a journey to learn everything I can know about these people so I can begin to understand myself and heal. It's been extremely healing and beneficial to be able to put all of this together under a few diagnosis. My jaw dropped when I first discovered the defining factors of a Narcissist. "It's my mother.. OMG it's my mother and this has been my life with her!" That was my reaction! As far back as I can remember she use to tell me " I'm going to kill you when you turn 12 so you don't get pregnant. I'm won't let you be a loving person like your father because love is weakness and he is weak."! Back when I was around 6yo I remember sitting on the counter while she fried pork chops and I was enjoying my time with her and she looks at me and tells me to try a piece of the meat and encouraged me to agree that it was delicious.. then she went on to tell me that she killed my father and chopped him up into the meat she was frying.. I was immediately terrified and sick and she let out a wickedly loud laugh and went on to tell me how stupid I was for believing her. Again, I was about 6 years old. My childhood was filled with fears of the Devil dragging me out of bed by my hair.. which was one of my mom's famous threats. Unbeknownst to me as a child, it was my mother crawling around in my room at night making noises and pulling my hair. She admitted it after I turned 18 years old. Sick woman!!! Lots of wounds related to her. Thankful for people like you who are putting this information out there for people like me! I've healed many wounds because of content/info like this! Forever grateful!
Thanks Jay for your detailed and nuanced "information" about the mechanism in being emotionally abused. Explaining how it works, for the surviver, is a kind of restoration tool that allows to see things clearer in the emotional fog of narcissistic abuse. I have left the surviving phase behind, learning more about thriving instead
The scariest and most lonely place to be is living as a scapegoat with the abuser parent and/or living as a scapegoat where ever you go, no matter if sorrounded by millions.
Being on one's own is always been hard but being away from abusers is healing.
And it's complicated to lower your pain threshold towards any disrespect because it immediately means your scars begin to hurt more as you realize the inflicted wounds, which can take you years to get to acknowledge them all and completely , also how badly they have crippled you.
Each attempt to apeace the abuser is one more wound of self betrayal to your account.
After 56 years in my role and all of the damage, by proxy, I passed on to my only son who has been drug addict for 13 years, almost half of his life, and being very difficult for me to heal our relationship, I'm truly very sad and feel quite dispared as I progressively become aware of how my codependency made me so blind and clumsy when raising my beloved son.
An undeserved pain, althogh I'm used to feeling this way it seems only to be getting worse as I open my eyes.
You are so right. The old pains come back full on as we heal. I just try to sit with them as best I can. Sometimes I can't though....
Good luck in your journey. You probably won't believe me but as you heal, your son will notice.
i agree. letting go of that emotional pain that lingers for a lifetime is the real challenge. I was treated horribly as a child and a teen then abandoned literally on the street overnight in the city. the pain goes away when you let it go. the pain goes away when you fight back so hard it actually makes you feel good. do it again. treat others the best you can and it makes you free of the way they treated you. the pain goes away when they die. im 56 too ive been alone like solo my whole life. i made it im in a good place now after all this shit. i hope you make it. i know its possible. anything is possible.
@@dapsolita Thank you very much. I feel true.comprehension in your words and they help me to keep up with my daily strugles.
@@truescotsman4103 Well, that's kind and wise. I will try to follow your advices.
What I do is to let pain be felt as hard as it wants to be, without using alcohol or any other way of coping trap, I cry a lot and hard and then I'm able to move on a little bit more.
Understanding my wrong doings makes me change and become kinder, as you said, to me and to others (except for narcs, that's too much to ask).
Almost 56 here myself and trying to heal after finally going no contact or gray rock with all the narcs in my life. Self compassion is the only thing that truly helps, and it definitely takes work. May I recommend checking out Gabor Mate? He wrote "When the Body Says No". His words have really resonated with me. Wishing you peace and healing 💕
You understand narcissistic abuse so well Jay, I wish my therapist understood it as well as you did. 2 years ago I moved back in with my narc mother as I had no where to go after losing my job around covid. Let's just say it was very traumatic. Two years later, I'm almost completely numb to the abuse. I am trying my quickest to get out.
You are the best--I actually understand my entire life, family and abuse thanks to you and Dr. Ramani here on YT. Combine forces and have a week-long counseling camp--I'll be first in line.
They’re the best.
Yessssss Jay, YES!!!! No contact, self love and compassion is the HOLY GRAIL of dealing with narcs and all their cohorts and also from changing your own paradigm and attraction to same sort of people.
Thanks, Jay! I was in a particular romantic relationship for far too long, and at one point, he even said to me that he thought 'we were doing better,' because he was still doing the same stupid stuff, and I wasn't as upset about it anymore. I thought, REALLY? If he'd have been physically abusing me, would he have thought our relationship was better just because I stopped crying when he hit me? And yet I tolerated the emotional abuse because I was accustomed to it. The basic structure of our relationship was exactly that of my relationship with my mother. Realizing that was, in fact, the key that unlocked the door to my freedom.
Wow!! So true!
This is very true! I felt like a narcissist magnet, but upon realising what was happening, I started being disgusted by a lot of people. And the "magnetic" effect stopped. I relearned judgement. I didn't realize the things I'd been accepting.
It really tells me where I'm at that i totally thought "lowering your pain threshold" meant learning to put up with even more abuse when i first read it
Thank you for your videos. The way you word these things really helps me have a deeper understanding and feel more validated. This video is timely for me today because my mother died four years ago today and I am still recovering from what she did. (And I feel a little guilty for writing that. We're trained to feel guilty for talking about parents hurting us.)
I get that feeling of guilt. I feel guilty because I don't feel close to my parents the way they think I do. They're elderly and have toned down their emotional manipulation. I've tried to be honest, but it just amps up their need to talk about how good we had it. I've always felt my mom's hurt more than my own, so I also feel like it would break my mom's spirit if she found out how I really feel. Yet, my parents were the ones breaking my spirit all those years. So sorry you are still feeling this. Our parents somehow taught us to feel guilty for how we feel and what we think. But our feelings are trying to tell us something important and we should have been taught to trust the feelings and learn from them. I don't feel close to my parents because so much of what they did was wrong, it's not because I'm uncaring. But it's a long process to begin to really believe that.
Sending you peace of mind and calmness, i'm on the same boat ♧
I think the phenomenon of one suffering through narcissistic abuse essentially learning to consider what is being done to them as not really as bad and that they in a way deserve it, have a role in it, in an attempt to take away or overshadow the need to feel the pain and horror from the realization that they are simply being tortured by the very people who were supposed to protect them accompanied by the realization that there's no safe place to run to is also at play. Another as you like to call it - 'ingenious survival method'.
WE ADAPT TO SURVIVE! "I adapted", Jaycee Dugard is quoted as saying this when they TRIED to diagnose her with Stockholm syndrome!
Jaycee Dugard is the author of the memoir A Stolen Life, which tells the story of her kidnapping and eighteen years of captivity. Her second book is Freedom: My Book of Firsts.
It's is absolutely like that 😔
In my opinion Child Abuse is something you never really get over..of course later on in my life, I allowed many people to walk all.over me..bad memories, painful beatings, I can't yell you how many times I think about all.this bad stuff. It's with me all.the time. The anti depressants didn't help me at all..thos is life lasting damage that is with me Every day. I just can't shake it. It's part of me now. Just for the record, I only hit my son once in his entire life.
For the VALIDATION & CONFIRMATION you bring me Dear Sir 🙏🏼 I Am Grateful.
THANK 🙏🏼 YOU
I just wanted to say thank you so much for the kind and generous spirit in which you put such thought into recording and editing these videos and making them freely available. I have felt so validated and I feel such relief as I'm listening to them, I can't tell you what a valuable resource they've been for me. I hope they continue to be successful for you and for everyone who finds them 🙏🏼
That's what I've felt too 😌
Relief and validation. 🌸🌸
Great content. I moved away from the abusive family relationships years ago. Some time later, I realised I was so used to being treated badly, I had attracted a whole group of ‘friends’ who were just toxic! I had in fact lowered my pain threshold (even though I didn’t have the words for that) and then I let those people go. Luckily I have a supportive partner and a few real friends.
I can’t thank you enough for articulating these things. I don’t think anyone on the web covers these topics with quite the same angles and insights.
With each video that I watch I feel restored.
This is very very important. I used to live on a so perfectionistic level, basically did not matter how I felt went on. And also, I surrounded myself with people who disrespected me. If you want to heal, it is absolutely important to stop "toughening up" (that is traumatized people's go-to response). You have been tough enough all your life, trust me. Now focus on being happy.
Jesus. Yes. This happened. Total Jekyll & Hyde. Street angel. Home devils.
This very day I was talking about how I developed callouses from repeated painful abrasions while learning to play a musical instrument and how that related to numbing up emotionally against repeated unbearable pain . . . so hearing you use that same word drove home your message and exposed the underlying reasons why it happens and what to do about it and not make excuses for mistreatment, but protect oneself from it. Thank you for sharing your ongoing insights, they always help me so much.
As a result of enduring such trainings, now you have the skill, the sensivity and the knowledege to play your instrument kindly and artisticaly thruogh your life!
It’s so weird having had parents, however parents that you could never go to for comfort or care or nurturing. Like is that really a real thing I can have in a relationship. I feel like that’s a wild dream for me, it would be so lovely though.
Reminds me of a coworker that told me about her horrific sexual, physical and emotional abuse by her parents, step-parents, and later her ex-husband. Yet she ended the conversation saying how much they all really loved her. I asked her if she ever got counseling and she said that "Jesus" was her counselor. She said she got through it all by being "strong". That, in itself, makes it all even more tragic.
The content video is brilliant!!! Thank you Jay. I learned at a very young age to just "take the punch", literally & figuratively and remain numb & slightly dissociated in order to survive. In order to heal now, it is necessary for me to allow myself to be vulnerable.
Unfortunately there’s not much therapeutic treatment in CPTSD or Narcissist abuse
True but there are more than there was a decade ago, I wasn't even understood by a therapist until the past 2 years, most of them would just attempt to re direct my experiences back to what I owed my parents or family and how I should forgive which only made me feel worse about myself. I don't owe anyone who heinously abused me and left me to fend for myself thru out life anything and I do know there are more resources now to help us see some light in this dark tunnel so many books like Pete Walkers CPTSD & The body keeps the score, Self Healers/Do the work by Nicole Lepera and the trauma series by Dr. Gabor Mate', Scapegoating Glynis Sherwood & of course Jay Reid, I hope you are able to find what you need to begin healing these just are some of my most helpful resources.
@@RobertCF428 Good for you, there are still many unaware in ,mental health.
Hi
Have you ever tried EMDR therapy ? This is good for traumas, dissociation,abuse ,PTSD. If you like read about it maybe it can be helpful... If I could afford that I'd like to try.
🖐️🌺
This extremely helpful to me as I did make excuses for person who treated me poorly. I need to lower my emotional pain threshold. I’ve been working on it, it seems unconsciously so, but your video has cast light on this and I feel more empowered. Thank you!
Possibly, one of the best psychotherapists available online, in terms of titrating context while focusing on healing and moving forward.
So the correct thing to do is the opposite of what i have been thinking i should do. I have been thinking i should learn to toughen up, and not let things bother me so much. But maybe there is a reason certain things bother me so much, and i should take it as a warning sign to stay away.
I have spent the last five years listening to many therapists to heal from a lifetime of emotional abuse. Your videos, which I have just recently discovered, have been most helpful from many aspects. Thank you!!
Everything ,I mean everything you say fits exactly with my experience.I have done a lot of therapy work and none has been to the point like your work, in fact to the contrary. You are validating all my intuitions about what I needed and making it clear which is helping me to stop second guessing myself: lower pain threshold going where you get respect etc etc etc. Thank you so much! You are brilliant and you know deeply what you are talking about!
For decades I’ve allowed people to hurt me emotionally with their words because I didn’t know it was okay not to receive that. I would feel hurt but I’d let them do it again and again. In this season of life I realize that I don’t need to subject myself to this abuse. Thank you for putting words to the grief that we as scapegoats face.
I’m sick of narcissistic stuff but still need to hear this to keep me aligned to keep it cool and avoid these ppl. Thanks for sharing. P.S you’re really cute!
Wow… yes. It’s why Im crying so much… I don’t recall ever crying in the felt-sense of empathy for myself that I am now… yes crying from deep pain and almost punishment of myself while crying, crying from frustration and confusion… but now I’m crying connected to my heart ❤️ thank you. It’s like, just through your videos, your understanding and creative wisdom and your good energy/emotion, I’ve been properly understood/mirrored in my experience for the first time. Everything I’m learning is so healing and at the same time stirring up all the emotions I haven’t processed due to how… how what was mirrored to me was there was to be no empathy for me… and to feel for myself was even wrong… and also, I’ve had to be strong to survive… it’s like when you go to go get a massage and as you’re massaged you realize how tight your muscles are and then you’re sore 😂 but it helps you feel better too … those callouses just allowed me to keep on taking it and taking it and trying and trying! And I thought I was being a strong person because I was doing something hard but out of trying to be good. Boy, is clarity of language important like you said… the words love and the words good and true especially and also strength can be weaponized against oneself! I’ve been so into linguistics for a while and now I know why… I already knew I was in a difficult place but now I see clearly how much more of it there is 😂 w all these new awarenesses but ironically, it’s seeing all of it that’s going to allow me to get to a better place and really create the life and love I’ve always wanted ☀️
Man alive - you make me cry so often! whew. Sometimes though narcissistic abuse is lifelong so it's not safe to lower one's pain threshold in at least one segment of one's life. Amazing how we can adapt ourselves into "segments" in order to survive and hopefully, thrive. Thank you for your brilliant talks. Oh, and I remember Rambo well so you're not too old yet lol.
💕💕🌺
I've cried too..😌
But it was a good cry . I've felt a sense of relief and I've also felt validated.
I might don't know you but I send a you a BIG HUG 💕💕🌺
We're all here on the same boat,with different experiences but on the same boat ⛵
@@beautifulawareness1707 Thank you :). A big hug for you too xo
@@lauriedmills7581 Thank you Laurie 😊
I need a hug right now more than anything 🙏
@@beautifulawareness1707 Then here’s another one… xo. Sometimes when we’ve done all we can all that is left to us is to just stand, to lament and grieve together. I know that stars twinkle only in the darkness, spring follows winter and the dawn after a long night, and it’s too often glibly stated to focus only on the stars, spring and dawn but I find that it is when I acknowledge the darkness, winter and long night that I most appreciate a warm, snuggly bed which feels almost as comforting as a loving hug. I wish you all the best xo
8:44 that’s a dangerous zone society is in right now. Where it became popular a few years back to have no feelings- just to have less responsibility for our actions towards others and blame their feelings instead of being accountable for our own contributions to social situations.
Thank you Jay for your videos. Yes, Self-Care if the key. Love yourself. Walking away from my siblings gives me peace and guilt. I feel bad I have to stay away- but, it's for protection.
Perfect timing again
Thank you Jay! I know you’re helping lots of people with these videos. I don’t remember which video I was watching, but I think the most profound thing that you have taught me so far is that I will never be in such an intense and detrimental power dynamic again. Being the scape goat in a narcissistic family system, and now having left that system. It makes me feel less afraid of life and living and other people. It gives me hope! Thank you!
Dr. Reid, your insight, empathy, and guidance are definitely a gift. Thank you for taking the time to research and record your educational videos. Best therapy ever.
You are the first one who acknowledges the fact that is not only so much ' inner strenght' that is the holy grill to abusing behaviour but that cutting people of can also be very healthy. TY.
Thank you for this and also for the great analogy. It really hit home.
I have a lot of narcissistic abusers in my life. They range from people I know the people I don't know and people that have come across on a daily basis
Spot on. My threshold for disrespect is now at basically 0. I have seen tremendous growth from setting and adhering to this standard.
This is my biggest problem. Feel like several therapists I've had , have had the hardest time helping find solutions for this. Thank you for these videos.
This was very helpful. Thank you. I’m spending today deciding if I should end my first dating relationship since I started healing 3+ years ago. I realized I don’t feel safe or valued in this relationship, so I’m going to end it. This video was very helpful.
Wishing you the best, stay strong 💕
Why would a narcissist abuse others who possess a trait, when they could use their energy to cultivate the traits they want to have instead of using their energy to abuse? That’s such a waste of the time everyone involved.
They prefer to steal it from you it's a less work (at least that's what they believe) but you can't steal anyone's character 😶. They mimick you , pretend to be you. They hate you deeply but secretly admire you. But of course they should make it to look the other way around otherwise they're very small ego get crushed
I use to ask myself the same question over and over again until I understood that they have a complete different way of thinking and acting that sane people with love and empathy have.
Out of 5 kids. i was 2cnd eldest daughter and scapegoated horribly by both narc parents. I had a nervous break down at 12 due to the abuse and neglect. The psychologist they sent me to was a man in a suit and men in suits scared me because of my fathers drunken violence and bullying.{he wore suits}. When the psych asked me what was wrong... I was petrified to talk thinking he would strike back. The only words I could utter with tears and shaking like a leaf was " Im worried about my future"... looking down at the ground.He immediately got up sent me to the lobby and said. I need to talk to your parents. He then told them there was nothing wrong with me but there was something wrong with whatever they are doing to me and in fact they needed to come see him if they wanted my life to be good. My father went... My mother refused blaming it all on my father. the psych asked my father who spent majority of time with me as he was rarely home {thank god} accept at night and on weekends. Anyhow the psych said there is nothing he can do without both parents there and my father left and they continued the constant abuse,bullying and neglect my entire life. I was a wreck.Messed up my entire life,relationships etc...All siblings learned to scapegoat me. parents are dead now and I put an end to all contact with my siblings. They seemed to get worse and more neglectful,disrespectful etc.... after the narc parents passed. And quite honestly my nervous system couldn't take anymore....I wish I had the strength to do this long ago and stand up for myself.But low self esteem makes one feel powerless.My mother smiled for all the world to see and went to her church every week. She thought she was the "perfect mother" but reality was growing up with her behind closed doors was a nightmare...and the father as well.....So I thank you infinitely for these wonderful,insightful videos Jay!!!! You are amazing....
I always come here for comfort when i feel too overloaded with unbearable narcissistic energy.
It is agony and enmeshment is the worst thing to experience
❤
This is so healing to me, and just what I needed today. There are some sad things in the news, about good people being hurt. For some reason I'm overly empathetic, and having a hard time. I feel like I might crumple up. After your video, I flash back at parents who had a blank, cold stare when all I needed was a little bit of empathy. Now I know, they had none to give. They were preoccupied with appearances. Thanks Jay. Awesome is so overused, but that's what you are.
Oops, this is from Laurie. We share a phone.
It’s so cute to see how you have progressed as a presenter in such a short time!!! 😊
Thank you
This video was perfect. I think it articulates something I have been feeling and wondering/thinking about but I couldn’t quite put into words. Thank you again. It is invaluable information for me.
This has helped me so much. I wish you were in the UK
Much needed video! These are my patterns. Wondering if I'm too sensitive, making a mountain out of a molehill. "That person didn't mean it." And making things my fault when the other had just as much responsibility in the situation, and then feeling had for cutting off "another" relationship. Safety and respect has become my top priority now that I can enjoy my own company.
Brilliant, wish I'd heard this a few decades ago!
Thank you💕
Thank you so much for the vivid examples and descriptions of my inner world. 😌
I see what you're saying. At first, i thought it was a typo, and you were going to talk about how to RAISE our pain threshold, but this makes sense.
Dead on! You are talented, Sir!
Very good Jay! I´ve got dimensions within myself visible by your explenations. This piece of my identity-puzzle was not there (or visible) before this video. I am 48 years old where I am the Scapegoat. I live in Stockholm Sweden.
Sir, your writing & videos help. Thank God for you.
Awesome!! So helpful. Thank you!
This was very helpful
This is SO important! Thank you.
My ex narcissistic therapist did the opposite of lowering my emotional pain threshold. She tried to convince me to stay in those inconsistent and unsafe relationships.
She said I had a tendency to leave too quickly. So No.
Wow spot on thank you 💗😊
Great video, thanks for the accurate perspective that I had thought of but now validated
I forgot how toxic narcissists can be and how bad they can hurt if you arent guarded
This is fantastic and was so helpful for me to read today, thank you. I had this thought that if I am strong that I should no longer be triggered and that’s just not true.
Love your content, how you present the information, and the length of your videos is perfect! ❤
Thank you, this is very helpful for me at the moment. Much appreciation for your time and expertise.
incredible video. you're a genius
Extremely helpful. Thank you.
No. I'm at a place now where I understand the significance of words in context. There isn't a human being alive on this planet that can say one word that will hurt me in any context and its okay I don't need to be cured of this condition. I'm still sensitive and able to easily discern when a person or event or what ever is causing me "emotional pain" and its just shit happens. Emotional weakness or sensitivity is regressive it's not productive to growth and becoming stronger. you need to be impervious to things like emotional attack or personal disappointment that might lead to some negative emotional response like crying or having some sort of hysterical fit. emotions are for children. you can be a sensitive caring and emotionally available person without lowering your "emotional pain threshold". stoicism is the antidote for emotional pain. I have a chronic pain condition and I used to cry from it and still do at times. when you fight the physical pain it defeats the emotional pain. when you understand what's causing you emotional pain it goes away. i was abused but now i understand so i doesn't hurt anymore. id rather have a higher threshold for pain in general than lower.
I tend to agree. Lowering our emotional pain threshold just provides extra supply for narcissists. Our pain is their joy.
Really good video, thank you for posting it.
Thank you.
Great video
Great help
is it possible to buy one module, the module on safe people looks really great x
More Rambo references, please!
What if I don't have any 'safe' friends?
Thanks Jay! You never fail in putting out such insightful videos that seem to speak to so many of us!
Could you make a video that speaks to getting past the need to make sense of how we can feel like the judgemental one when calling out a toxic persons behavior? When I ask them to consider me and my feelings, they say they are just responded to me being inconsiderate of them, usually because I didn't behave appropriately.
I wish you were my therapist haha I’m struggling trying to find one right now
Can the focal point of this worthlessness displacement crest and wane over time? Can it have periods of pause or redirection? Can the narcissist change the person and the intensity of attack?
I'd say yes, yes, and yes, but the narcissist will never change their true feelings of superiority, lack of empathy, and need to control or get rid of those that may challenge any part of the equation.
I think that is called "Hoovering" - like a vacuum sucking you back into an abusive relationship with some sort of "honey"...
Good point
Thank you! Do you have any videos on financial help from a narcissist parent? It can be really hard because it continues the cycle of 'you owe me!' Or I can say whatever I want or treat you like a loser.
HOW? HOW DOES ONE LOWER THEIR PAIN THRESHOLD????????
I take it to mean we don't need to question ourselves about the motives of others' behavior if it feels bad. We don't tell ourselves I've handled worse than this, I can take it. We don't get stuck questioning another's motives. (And to add), watching out for the prior conditioning of being told we're too sensitive or someone saying it was a joke as an example of bringing it back to you. Let yourself remove yourself as soon as you start questioning. Lower that threshold. All the boundaries our caregivers were supposed to teach us growing up, we learn for ourselves now.
@@pelletier4432 You make a good point. If we honor what we DO feel, in regards to how others are treating us, rather than rationalizing it, we'll recalibrate over time. I've also found it very helpful to think, 'if I had a young daughter, would I want her to be treated like that?' And if the answer is no, then I shouldn't allow it for myself, either.
@@charissaschalk5175 I think you just put it even better than I did. Thank you!
Really appreciate your channel - so many lightbulb moments after things you've said/explained (soooo well). Thank you
So true!
I reminders my mother of the sister she absolutely hated. E eryone who knew her sister agreed with her. When she was angry at something I did or said, she'd glare at me, hit me and tell me how similar I was to her sister..I never got to meet my aunt. I am not at all ashamed to yell.you how much I hate my mother today. She threw me out of the house and called me a whole when I told her how much I hated my father finding me in front of the whole family
I was humiliated on a daily basis in front of strangers in the street. She always jumped on me. She was worse than an animal..she never hugged me
She never told me she loved me. She saved all.her live for my nasty little brother, who naturally joined in on the abuse..my when childhood was a mess. It's a miracle I'm alive today.
She stood there while my father fondled me and told me that I had thick Polish ankles..thingsike that..can you imagine? Thick Pish ankles. What the Hell.does That mean?
Scar tissue still hurts, ask a pain doctor🖤
When I dropped carbs, my confidence and mental stability and clarity shot through the roof. Meat heals.