This was so helpful! I'm going to download your worksheet and start working on it. Taking things too personally often leads to feeling like a victim all the time and makes you feel the need to explain and defend yourself to get affirmations, comfort and guidance most likely from the authority figure in the situation. I totally agree with you that it's closely linked to your childhood experiences. Looking forward to your next video. Thank you so much.
I am here watching this video because my 14 year old daughter and I got into a huge fight the other night and one of her comments to me was "you always take everything personally!". So, in effort to better connect with her, I am trying to absorb everything that I can in order to stop taking things personally!!
I tell myself I take things too personally but when people are constantly making personal attacks and gaslighting is is hard to imagine how else to take it, lol.
@@DR-nh6ooThat's exactly right and it does seem personal when I tend to get spoken to rudely or even abused more than others, which means that I'm an easy target, or my behaviour is annoying. 🥺
If I had gotten at all angry witj my Mom, she would have screamed at me & slapped me in the face. Why are you allowing your daughter to talk back to you?
It’s difficult to not take things personally. I think the reason why, sometimes, is because when people are trying to be hurtful, sometimes they actually do want you to take it personally, to put you on the defense and to make sweat bead up on your forehead. But, oddly, one of the things that helps me to understand that I shouldn’t take it personally, is because people really don’t care about each other. Just saw a video on that. But, it was something I realized a long time ago. People may notice things about you, when they’re in competition with you other need something from you, for themselves. But, other than that, they may not notice you. I know I could go to work for a week, with one eye having eyeliner and the other not and maybe no one would notice. They “may” notice something is “different”, but maybe not be sure if what it is and they’re not going to try to find out. Sure wish they wouldn’t notice, if I played hooky. Also, this is, perhaps, because things are more complex now, some people are busier than they would’ve been a decade ago, there’s more people and competition in the world so maybe people’s energies and concentration is more inwardly- focused, for their own protection. For me, maybe I’m a bit strange because I do tend to notice a lot, but I’m more internally-referenced than some people I know. So, I may notice things, but I don’t have a lot of concern about the opinions of others, especially, if I know they’re not equipped to advise me. Maybe a lot of people are like that. I don’t know. Lastly, although I was my narcissistic mother’s target, I learned to not take things personally from her and just go no contact, because her behavior was a personal problem, having nothing to do with me.
@@sll110 you learn a lot on these YT channels and through life experience. You even learn that, while one person might really like your makeup and outfit today, another person wouldn’t know if you came in, in a wheelchair. Goes to show how different we all are, but also that people are going through different things in their own life, so what they notice or don’t notice, may change with that, as well.
The point is how you handle the situations and not trying to figure out if you should take it personally or not. This is nothing more than a thing most people say when they’re trying to cover their ass.
#1 really resonates with me. I will intensely personalize everything. I'm doing CBT work to try and overcome that. Your videos have been extremely helpful to me, and I truly appreciate you.
#1. Yeap, and only to find out later, they hated the fact I wasn't chasing them #2. I prefer some constructive critique, because I want to perform better. And I am accused, of being a "perfectionist" #3. I have been guilty of this, only to show up around that group and all of a sudden they get quiet and roll their eyes at me. #4. I have over reacted, until that person starts gaslighting me when I ask questions instead of reacting in a big way. #5. I would get defensive, especially when my point was not acknowledged how I validated them and they would tell me I'm defensive shortly after they blatantly and underhandedly insulted me under their breath. And when I ask questions, and people assume I am looking for something wrong rather than see that I am trying to meet them where they are at so we can work out a solution. Their resentment towards me, becomes more pronounced. *I now just remove myself from other people's bad days, and let them say whatever they want. So what I do now, is I will ask" did you say that to hurt me or were you trying to help me understand something?" And they trip up on their words, and I leave the be so I can find peace and they can reflect
I can never tell if I take anything too personally or not. It's just that whenever I've got nothing better to do, I text anyone if they are ever available, and they say, "I can't. I'm busy", especially the one's who literally make no time for you at all So for me, it's hard to tell if I am or not
Interesting due to a recent situation and although I didn't take it personally, I interpreted it as that person may not be in alignment with my values...kind of a caution sign. When I was younger, this topic definitely applied a lot but I will use this information to reference if future situations occur and trigger those feelings. Thanks.
Sting sang “There’s a little black spot on the sun today; the same old thing as yesterday (it’s my soul up there)…” which I believe is about how we see the world through our lens.
GOOD INFORMATION.STAY AWAY FROM TRIGGERS.INCLUDING PAST PEOPLE WHO MANAGE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.DON'T RESPOND.AVOIDING IS BEST.TOO MANY KNOW IT ALLS & THOSE WHO THINK THEY CAN INTERFERE IN LIVES THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN.BOUNDARIES.& INTRUSIVE.BYE.BYE.
All those signs, are me to a T, and those are qualities I don't like about myself and that I really want to learn to fix. No idea how I got this way...
Thankyou ma'am for explaining , it's absolutely fact what you described , personally I used to take to personal if some adverse reactions take place for days I used to brooding over the issue which is not necessary ,later I realise because I am suffering from Bipolar mental illness , as well lack of friends , however you explained accurately . ❤️
Ohhh God... this is exactly what I go through for years... and I dint know how to help myself... thank u for this video... pls also share how to overcome this.
Hi: Stay tuned for Tuesday next week - the first of two videos on how to get over this. So sorry you have suffered so much with it, and I hope these videos help!
There are not enough videos altogether on this subject. Another person treating you dismissively because you may have overreacted adds to hurt of the perceived slight.
That is a great point. I do address this a little in my next two videos on this topic. Yet, even there - we need to not take it personally that they are dismissive! That is more about them than us... but, yes, it hurts.
@@parasite674 Yes for sure, but I do believe that it is your personal core belief that sits in the way and that another never has the permission to hurt you unless you let them, but it comes down to a belief you hold about yourself I think, and that you have to unravel so you stop taking the actions of others as a threat toward yourself and leave their behaviour with them because it is their way of seeing the world and human relations even how disrespectful, also trying to learn this
If someone patronizes you, it is still about them, not you!! But even if it is not "personalized" - that does not mean you don't stand up to them or take action. I feel the action grounded in knowing it is their ignorance, not you, will be more impactful and "skillful" than otherwise. Hope this helps.
I have all those signs.... and im in a glut now because of them... ( i.e) my email wasn't responded to and the person slightly snapped at me the other day in a conversation.... it terrible as i feel so down and depressed because of it...
Can you cover when somebody constantly criticizes you or makes demeaning remarks then are you taking it too personally I guess you are I guess the answer is why am I with this person or how can I not give a flip what they say. I found it stems from childhood trauma being raised by narcissist parent. which leads to codependency in my situation, anyway. Only speaking for myself.
Katherine, I have a similar issue as you. My mother was constantly criticizing me, and my anxiety is (falsely) based on that spotlight she put on me. In my mind, any attention people give me is uncomfortable. That's why I cannot take a compliment. That's why I blank out in conversations with people. I just figured out why I have social anxiety. Wow! This therapist is good.
# 4 would it be my lack of self-esteem that i make it about me given that there is not real reason for it objectively speaking? Is it related to getting upset all the time with circumstances and I'm always complaining about how the things or people are or behave? (There I feel i touch some of the resentment part inside). THANKS:::
Hi Barbara, thank you so much. I just stumbled upon your channel and I’m so glad I did. Your explanation of reframing, core beliefs and personalization was extremely clear and easy to understand. I look forward to follow. Also, I never thought of how personalization was connected to negative core beliefs. So, would you say personalization could be triggered by a negative core belief?
I think I do ruminate with my husband. I can't say anything in any tone that he does not get angery and act out. I go off on him because this is not meant to criticize but just saying or asking him something that he could just say no or that he does.nt want to do it. So we don't talk at all and it is sad but I don't know how to fix it. I just avoid conversations with him. What should I be doing or saying that does not send me down the rabbit hole?
What would happen if you simply expected that response and knew it wasn't related to you? Still frustrating, I imagine, but perhaps different... This is complicated and can take a fair amount of work. The independent study program I offer does help people in these situations a lot - if that is of interest to you:awakenjoy.thinkific.com/courses/roadmap-to-joy-and-authentic-confidence
Most people are nice, but some have their own problems. The critics are usually jealous. If you are sincere with people, don't worry about some grumpy a-hole.
Hi Jane: I have a number of videos on EMDR: includingL th-cam.com/video/eEVXhPKGLf0/w-d-xo.html (You can also check my playlists). And thanks for the heads up about the webinar link! I need to fix that :)
Hi: All links are in description to the video (under video if on computer, three little dots to click if on phone... but here it is!awakenjoy.lpages.co/negative-core-beliefs-pdf/
Personally I think it's helpful, as being a sensitive person I suffer a lot ,especially living in a joint family with bunch of narcissists .I actually fall in depression and anxiety time to time just ruminating what they say to me. I want to become a bit stronger and ignore them to make my life peaceful.
It helps to look at family members as just people. In other words, take away the loaded familial word -- mother, father, uncle, brother etc.. See them objectively as people. Do you let people's comments bring you down? Think of their comments as opinions. Everyone has them. Doesn't mean it's true.
![วันเกิดเธอ (TO YOU) - PHUWIN [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/_ROx1Bj3T0Y/mqdefault.jpg)
This was so helpful! I'm going to download your worksheet and start working on it. Taking things too personally often leads to feeling like a victim all the time and makes you feel the need to explain and defend yourself to get affirmations, comfort and guidance most likely from the authority figure in the situation. I totally agree with you that it's closely linked to your childhood experiences. Looking forward to your next video. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome, and I love your point - totally agree!
How do I download the worksheet please?
I think the biggest thing that people take personally is other people's opinions
This is a big issue for me as well as ruminating. Very helpful. Can't wait to hear next video on how to deal with it.
Working on it! Hopefully next Tuesday - and I had to split that one in 2 as well. This is a big topic!
I am here watching this video because my 14 year old daughter and I got into a huge fight the other night and one of her comments to me was "you always take everything personally!".
So, in effort to better connect with her, I am trying to absorb everything that I can in order to stop taking things personally!!
How wonderful that you are validating her by exploring the issue!!
I tell myself I take things too personally but when people are constantly making personal attacks and gaslighting is is hard to imagine how else to take it, lol.
@@DR-nh6ooThat's exactly right and it does seem personal when I tend to get spoken to rudely or even abused more than others, which means that I'm an easy target, or my behaviour is annoying. 🥺
If I had gotten at all angry witj my Mom, she would have screamed at me & slapped me in the face. Why are you allowing your daughter to talk back to you?
It’s difficult to not take things personally. I think the reason why, sometimes, is because when people are trying to be hurtful, sometimes they actually do want you to take it personally, to put you on the defense and to make sweat bead up on your forehead. But, oddly, one of the things that helps me to understand that I shouldn’t take it personally, is because people really don’t care about each other. Just saw a video on that. But, it was something I realized a long time ago. People may notice things about you, when they’re in competition with you other need something from you, for themselves. But, other than that, they may not notice you. I know I could go to work for a week, with one eye having eyeliner and the other not and maybe no one would notice. They “may” notice something is “different”, but maybe not be sure if what it is and they’re not going to try to find out. Sure wish they wouldn’t notice, if I played hooky. Also, this is, perhaps, because things are more complex now, some people are busier than they would’ve been a decade ago, there’s more people and competition in the world so maybe people’s energies and concentration is more inwardly- focused, for their own protection. For me, maybe I’m a bit strange because I do tend to notice a lot, but I’m more internally-referenced than some people I know. So, I may notice things, but I don’t have a lot of concern about the opinions of others, especially, if I know they’re not equipped to advise me. Maybe a lot of people are like that. I don’t know. Lastly, although I was my narcissistic mother’s target, I learned to not take things personally from her and just go no contact, because her behavior was a personal problem, having nothing to do with me.
you are right, so thst person is so toxic, not you.
@@sll110 you learn a lot on these YT channels and through life experience. You even learn that, while one person might really like your makeup and outfit today, another person wouldn’t know if you came in, in a wheelchair. Goes to show how different we all are, but also that people are going through different things in their own life, so what they notice or don’t notice, may change with that, as well.
The point is how you handle the situations and not trying to figure out if you should take it personally or not. This is nothing more than a thing most people say when they’re trying to cover their ass.
#1 really resonates with me. I will intensely personalize everything. I'm doing CBT work to try and overcome that. Your videos have been extremely helpful to me, and I truly appreciate you.
So awesome you are doing this work! And thank you for letting me know the videos are helpful :)
#1. Yeap, and only to find out later, they hated the fact I wasn't chasing them
#2. I prefer some constructive critique, because I want to perform better. And I am accused, of being a "perfectionist"
#3. I have been guilty of this, only to show up around that group and all of a sudden they get quiet and roll their eyes at me.
#4. I have over reacted, until that person starts gaslighting me when I ask questions instead of reacting in a big way.
#5. I would get defensive, especially when my point was not acknowledged how I validated them and they would tell me I'm defensive shortly after they blatantly and underhandedly insulted me under their breath. And when I ask questions, and people assume I am looking for something wrong rather than see that I am trying to meet them where they are at so we can work out a solution. Their resentment towards me, becomes more pronounced.
*I now just remove myself from other people's bad days, and let them say whatever they want. So what I do now, is I will ask" did you say that to hurt me or were you trying to help me understand something?" And they trip up on their words, and I leave the be so I can find peace and they can reflect
I can never tell if I take anything too personally or not. It's just that whenever I've got nothing better to do, I text anyone if they are ever available, and they say, "I can't. I'm busy", especially the one's who literally make no time for you at all
So for me, it's hard to tell if I am or not
Five in one.i can safely say very few if any of us has a really gut splitting sense of humor,and the world will not survive without it!!!
Interesting due to a recent situation and although I didn't take it personally, I interpreted it as that person may not be in alignment with my values...kind of a caution sign. When I was younger, this topic definitely applied a lot but I will use this information to reference if future situations occur and trigger those feelings. Thanks.
Yes, the caution sign! That is excellent!
Sting sang “There’s a little black spot on the sun today; the same old thing as yesterday (it’s my soul up there)…” which I believe is about how we see the world through our lens.
Your videos have been very helpful through my journey. Thank you Barbara.
I'm so glad! Wishing you peace and happiness!
This was so helpful. I never realized how much I take things personally, until you gave those examples/signs.
Awareness is the first step in change! Glad it helped :)
Or if you get triggered by a narcissist they want their victims think about them either negative or positively. Thank you for your information
Yes, definitely.
GOOD INFORMATION.STAY AWAY FROM TRIGGERS.INCLUDING PAST PEOPLE WHO MANAGE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.DON'T RESPOND.AVOIDING IS BEST.TOO MANY KNOW IT ALLS & THOSE WHO THINK THEY CAN INTERFERE IN LIVES THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN.BOUNDARIES.& INTRUSIVE.BYE.BYE.
A big thank you from me to you Barbara! Everything you said makes perfect sense! 👍
So glad! Thanks for letting me know!
Thank you Barbara!
You are welcome!
Thankyou for ur wonderful video 📹 💖 if the bullies are saying that mean thing to make themselves feel better, then how can 8 not take that to heart
One way to think of it is: don't let insecure, nasty people define your sense of self.
All those signs, are me to a T, and those are qualities I don't like about myself and that I really want to learn to fix. No idea how I got this way...
Hi: It is so common! AND it is also possible to change it :)
Thank you 😊 your videos have helped me understand myself
You are so welcome!
Definitely makes sense.
Thank You So Much, You are a Blessing to all people in the whole world
You are so welcome! 😀
This is what i do all the time... I seem to dwell on things that is not that important...
Makes absolute sense! Thank you!
You are welcome!
It's not what people say about you that counts. It's how it affects you.
Well explained
I love it ❤️, thank you for take your time sharing your knowledge, you have been helping me a lot⭐️✨🌟💫 , God bless you 🙏🏻
You are so welcome! So happy to hear this is helping!
Narcissism takes away all privacy n independence. Individuals tend to be One of a kind.
Thank you I understand why people hate on me now
Great subject matter
Thankyou ma'am for explaining , it's absolutely fact what you described , personally I used to take to personal if some adverse reactions take place for days I used to brooding over the issue which is not necessary ,later I realise because I am suffering from Bipolar mental illness , as well lack of friends , however you explained accurately . ❤️
What would it be if you are having a situation with someone who is manipulative and they are making things personal but are a very subtle frenemy?
I'm watching you here in Philippines
So glad you are here!
Ohhh God... this is exactly what I go through for years... and I dint know how to help myself... thank u for this video... pls also share how to overcome this.
Hi: Stay tuned for Tuesday next week - the first of two videos on how to get over this. So sorry you have suffered so much with it, and I hope these videos help!
This makes total sense to me and you make it very clear and is very helpful!
Thank you so much.
I'm so glad! And you are very welcome.
Great video
That is me!
Of course I'm always sorry to hear that given the work I do 😂, but I hope this is helpful!!
You are such a blessings to so many.
Thank you! (You are too....!!!)
Thanks
Welcome!
Thank you! Really helpful
So glad to hear it!
There are not enough videos altogether on this subject. Another person treating you dismissively because you may have overreacted adds to hurt of the perceived slight.
That is a great point. I do address this a little in my next two videos on this topic. Yet, even there - we need to not take it personally that they are dismissive! That is more about them than us... but, yes, it hurts.
@@parasite674 Yes for sure, but I do believe that it is your personal core belief that sits in the way and that another never has the permission to hurt you unless you let them, but it comes down to a belief you hold about yourself I think, and that you have to unravel so you stop taking the actions of others as a threat toward yourself and leave their behaviour with them because it is their way of seeing the world and human relations even how disrespectful, also trying to learn this
@@BarbaraHeffernan going to watch them, thanks again for all your work!
I too take things personally and seriously
HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE IF A PERSON MEANS TO PATRONIZE OR YOU ARE PERSONALIZING IT .
PLEASE BARBRA CAN YOU EX0LAINE .🙏🙏🙏
If someone patronizes you, it is still about them, not you!! But even if it is not "personalized" - that does not mean you don't stand up to them or take action. I feel the action grounded in knowing it is their ignorance, not you, will be more impactful and "skillful" than otherwise. Hope this helps.
I have all those signs.... and im in a glut now because of them... ( i.e) my email wasn't responded to and the person slightly snapped at me the other day in a conversation.... it terrible as i feel so down and depressed because of it...
Can you cover when somebody constantly criticizes you or makes demeaning remarks then are you taking it too personally I guess you are I guess the answer is why am I with this person or how can I not give a flip what they say. I found it stems from childhood trauma being raised by narcissist parent. which leads to codependency in my situation, anyway. Only speaking for myself.
Yes, this makes sense. Knowing their behavior is about them and not you might lead you to different choices. Wishing you the best.
Katherine, I have a similar issue as you. My mother was constantly criticizing me, and my anxiety is (falsely) based on that spotlight she put on me. In my mind, any attention people give me is uncomfortable. That's why I cannot take a compliment. That's why I blank out in conversations with people. I just figured out why I have social anxiety. Wow! This therapist is good.
Hi Barbara, thanks for your coaching,
You are so welcome!
So thanks for your insights really helpful and liberating. Nelson, Chile
You are so welcome!
On timing thank you subscribed
Awesome, thank you!
How dare you say I take things too personally!
lol 😂
Great advice dear! When we get trapped in rumination, how can we get out of it? Thanks
Hi: I have a video on that:th-cam.com/video/osqDARZ8lWs/w-d-xo.html
Hope it helps!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Great! Thank you so much, I will watch it tonight :)
Thank you!!
You're welcome!
# 4 would it be my lack of self-esteem that i make it about me given that there is not real reason for it objectively speaking? Is it related to getting upset all the time with circumstances and I'm always complaining about how the things or people are or behave? (There I feel i touch some of the resentment part inside). THANKS:::
Hi Barbara, thank you so much. I just stumbled upon your channel and I’m so glad I did. Your explanation of reframing, core beliefs and personalization was extremely clear and easy to understand. I look forward to follow. Also, I never thought of how personalization was connected to negative core beliefs. So, would you say personalization could be triggered by a negative core belief?
Yes. Actually, I think it usually is. Personalization happens when it hits our "sore spot>"
This is me all over x
Sorry to hear that.. but it is very common - and I hope the video is helpful!
I think I do ruminate with my husband. I can't say anything in any tone that he does not get angery and act out. I go off on him because this is not meant to criticize but just saying or asking him something that he could just say no or that he does.nt want to do it. So we don't talk at all and it is sad but I don't know how to fix it. I just avoid conversations with him. What should I be doing or saying that does not send me down the rabbit hole?
What would happen if you simply expected that response and knew it wasn't related to you? Still frustrating, I imagine, but perhaps different... This is complicated and can take a fair amount of work. The independent study program I offer does help people in these situations a lot - if that is of interest to you:awakenjoy.thinkific.com/courses/roadmap-to-joy-and-authentic-confidence
Most people are nice, but some have their own problems. The critics are usually jealous. If you are sincere with people, don't worry about some grumpy a-hole.
Also the rewire path to joy link won't load. The EMDR does, how can I find out more info on the virtual things also. Is it best to email you. Thanks 😊
Hi Jane: I have a number of videos on EMDR: includingL th-cam.com/video/eEVXhPKGLf0/w-d-xo.html (You can also check my playlists).
And thanks for the heads up about the webinar link! I need to fix that :)
Changed the webinar link. It is here: www.awakenjoy.life/rewire-your-brain
Thank you so much for the heads up!!
Doesn't allow me to download the pdf, not loading the site
Hi Jane: LMK if this link works: awakenjoy.lpages.co/negative-core-beliefs-pdf/
@@BarbaraHeffernan thanks, not sure what happened but ended up with 3 different emails with it 🙄🤪
Where to get pdf
Hi: All links are in description to the video (under video if on computer, three little dots to click if on phone... but here it is!awakenjoy.lpages.co/negative-core-beliefs-pdf/
🙋🏼♀️
Ugly stuff to make you insensitive. Take things as personally as you like and be all you wish to be DO NOT RECOMMEND CHANNEL
Personally I think it's helpful, as being a sensitive person I suffer a lot ,especially living in a joint family with bunch of narcissists .I actually fall in depression and anxiety time to time just ruminating what they say to me.
I want to become a bit stronger and ignore them to make my life peaceful.
Sorry this channel doesn't resonate for you! I wish you all the best!
It helps to look at family members as just people. In other words, take away the loaded familial word -- mother, father, uncle, brother etc.. See them objectively as people. Do you let people's comments bring you down? Think of their comments as opinions. Everyone has them. Doesn't mean it's true.