@@roshalllambert i second this, many people say we’re sociopaths or unemotional but most of us are pretty sensitive, just from a personal... point of view 🥲..we just tend to be out of tune with our emotions, it can hurt sometimes when people assume we want to hurt people. update: i’ve discovered i’m a fearful avoidant not a dismissive avoidant:’)
@@themoonisbeautifulisntit2860 Da's DISMISS other people's emotions and perspective and seem to only care about their own emotions and perspective. You tell them how they dismiss your feelings and needs only to be dismissed over and over again and again!
@@KN-os1pv yes its been my experience for the last year and a half. I know its not intentional but its repetitive and tiring. He doesnt seem to hear me or what i says he doesnt follow thru on. We arent life partners so theres that but its definitely not easy street. Sigh. Hes a great fun guy and i love him.
I know how sensitive my dismissive ex is because I could see the pain and longing in his eyes, even when he wasn't in touch with it... I tried so hard to take care of him emotionally, but I couldn't have any stability because he triggered my anxious patterns too much, even though I can be very secure in relationships that meet my needs... I feel so sad that he wasn't willing to work on improving his responsiveness to my needs, though I tried so hard to explain it to him why it was so important...
It's so incredibly hard, because when they open up they are amazing and loving as Thais says. It makes their rejection, from their fears kicking in, hurt all the more when the cycle repeats itself. So sorry you've been hurt, too.
It isn't your job to rescue anyone. Glad you moved on even though it hurts. Currently having the exact same experience with my DA husband of 12 yrs. I want to move on from my relationship because it's mentally taxing and I'm tired of just giving and giving and not having my needs met
Omg, I dated a guy for a few months just like how you described. I see the shame, the fear of neglect, the sensitive reactions in his eyes. I tried to encourage and be patient, but the unstable mood I get week by week especially after the first month drove my anxiety higher and higher. I was so sad when he decided to end things. Maybe it was too much for him to deal with too. He was not willing to change. He avoided it all and turned back to what he knows best - partying and drinking away so he doesn't have to deal with reality. I can breathe now, but still sad when I think about him.
Yep, being vulnerable feels super scary. I opened to an ex around this time last year and afterwards she started to distance herself from me. It felt like I should have just kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. I'm slowly but surely being more vulnerable with people and I constantly remind myself that their response doesn't have to effect whether or not I continue to be vulnerable.
@@SR77736 Yes maturity and life experience. Never open up vulnerability to a women they will not see you as a man again, you can search online for multiple men with exact same experience.
I went through something similar as you with the last person I dated and I’m dismissive avoidant as well. That’s what I’ve learned as well that being vulnerable can be scary but the other person’s response shouldn’t affect anything. It’s really difficult for me as a woman to make connections due to this reason because most guys I’ve dated had required this kind of connection or vulnerability very early on. But, there’s someone out there for everyone and one day I know I ll meet someone patient enough to understand me as a person.
this was beautiful! continue building that security and secure attachment within yourself. It's always a good thing to be vulnerable, someone who is secure themselves will reciprocate and lift you up. They wont turn and run and make you second guess yourself :)
Mild DA here. After being committed for depression and getting the help that I needed, I am far more open and able to express myself and my boundaries as well as noticing and appreciating the needs of others. We are absolutely capable of change.
I have been with my dismissive avoidant husband for 15 years and I'm anxious attachment style. We have been apart for over 3 months since the pandemic, separated by 4,500 miles and travel restrictions. Things are not easy when we are together, but the lack of communication during this separation and the pain that causes has prompted me to dig deeper into this information on attachment styles and gives me the opportunity to not allow myself to be so triggered by the lack of response. I recognize that the tendency on my part is to anxiously pursue to try to get attention and validation, or to cut off altogether to go and lick my wounds. Neither is ideal. It's painful but I also see it as a growth opportunity. I finally realize that so much of the dynamic is not only about me.
They do respond to the support but sometimes the wounds are so deep that after all of the support and coddling they have the capacity to fall right back into unhealthy patterns like not even a week later. And it’s so hard to keep giving and giving because they don’t know how to give back in return . My DA won’t express himself and it’s almost like dealing with a child. And it’s hurtful to their partners. I’m FA and I have shut down from my DA because I think it’s important to nurse myself back to health before I keep getting drained and hurt trying to nurse him back to a healthy attachment style. He doesn’t get it and it seems like he doesn’t want to, which truly saddens me. But being someone who’s *does* get it I feel like it would be foolish to keep putting myself through the trauma
I have been struggling getting over someone who I have now deemed a dismissive avoidant. It has been almost a year and I think about him constantly still. I had chalked it up to me not being good enough, lacking something or other. I am so thankful for your videos bc it has truly given me closure and UNDERSTANDING. Thank you SO much. I hope you know that channels like these change lives, at least mine. It is nice to have peace of mind and relief of the anxiety that has accompanied the misunderstanding and pain.
Getting over a dismissive avoidant after my break up ended up being difficult as well! I too was thinking about this person, even though I had initiated the break up--I just couldn't deal with the withdrawal of connection, especially when things got difficult. This video made so much sense and because Thais brings a very compassionate perspective to the issue, it was a lot easier for me to appreciate the situation. You are not alone in this! Mistakenly I initially thought my ex was a narcissist, but not all the behavior traits amounted to it. When I learned about dismissive avoidant attachment style, I was floored by how accurate the description was.
@@leefroml.a.8679 (?) Was the withdraw you received based around intimacy or vulnerability? I have too much self worth to be treated poorly with the immature response of ghosting. These individuals cause lots of hurt & it's like it doesn't effect them, they just change the channel with no apology. He lives in L.A. lol
Once again, Thais speaks so much truth. I am very strongly DA and only just started opening up and trying to be vulnerable to people because I realized it usually gets me what I want actually LOL I nearly start to cry every time I share a piece of information about myself from a highly vulnerable place with someone (including my family).
It's extremely painful & confusing for the person involved with them, i had to walk away, he wouldnt open up at all, only on his terms, i felt used & manipulated
Yup, and mine would shut my emotional needs down and make me wait to be heard until I freaking exploded. He hated 'deep talks' and self work. To me it has nothing to do with not understanding him. I worked my ass off to understand him, and gave him excuses and forgivness all the time for sabotaging and microagressions. I validated his emotions. I just wasn't allowed to get hurt emotionally myself by him, thay always got turned around to it being actually him hurt again. I was caregiver, but we ended after I grew and stopped wanting to be caregiver, not becuase he grew and stopped needing a caregiver. I don't care I am FA, tired of ridicule for having my own needs. I been aware of myself without the title a long time though .
I really appreciate these videos. My wife has this attachment style, we're currently separated, but I've been doing as much research as I can to help understand her on a deeper level and perhaps reconnect.
Good luck with reconnecting, I hope myself to be able to reconnect with a dismissive avoidant woman, and Thais' information has been extremely helpful.
So when does the avoidant become accountable for allowing their own past of emotional neglect to cause them to also display emotional neglect? Asking for a friend.
I’m an avoidant with growing secure attachment after many years of healing work. Personally, once I recognize what I’m feeling and doing because of that pattern, I take responsibility. Now I recognize it much sooner, (sometimes before I act!) and can address myself and the other person with kindness, respect and still honor my needs while respecting them. Not always, but I have been on a lifetime of inner work. I’m also a very compassionate person by nature and take responsibility (too much at times) for myself. I think we are responsible for our actions, even if we have been abused... the abuse only explains why but doesn’t abdicate responsibility. The level of consciousness and awareness of a person will determine how much responsibility they are able to own up to and how much they can work on healing.
@@TheresFuckeryAfoot how did you start to recognize it? I've been telling my brother that his gf won't see what he sees until she chooses to see it. Just wondering if this is the kinda thing that's easily pointed out to someone or if it's like drugs where they have to hit rock bottom to see what ppl point out.
coffee_ corpse... I’m not sure you can “make” someone see. Perhaps the lesson for you is to live by example and not take on the responsibility of healing others or getting them to see. Sometimes when we shift and start doing our own work something happens in the people around us that allows for them to do the same. I had deep subconscious attachment to wanting my family to “see” and heal but I had an almost spiritual experience that I gave that up. And when I did, I literally felt something leave my body. And without trying or talking about issues, a shift in my family began. I truly believe if we do our own inner healing and forgiveness and releasing in deep, authentic way- not just intellectually.... it becomes reflected externally too.
@@coffee_corpse For me it's not been about hitting rock bottom, it's been about a) seeking out the resources to heal because I was so lonely, b) seeing the right thing modelled to me in movies and TV (I wasn't allowed to see these in childhood so I'm learning what "normal" might look like in adulthood, I know it's not quite like real life but it's closer to healthy or connected than what I was modelled in childhood) and c) having other people model to me the very behaviours I'm missing. People showing me the kindness I have literally never seen before does help things click for me. It might take a few times, sometimes not, but eventually I'll be like... oh! This is what I was missing....
You dont realize how much of a God given gift you have become to me. You've provided me with a beautiful map and a compass to hopefully heal and grow in my relationship with my dismissive avoidant. THANK YOU! 🌷
I started learning about attachment styles to understand the issues in my recent relationship. While the X has an avoidant dismissive attachment style it was the startling revelation that he is also highly narcissistic that really spoke volumes. I'm learning to examine behaviours, patterns, especially when unhealthy turns to toxic or abusive. We only have the power to change ourselves, it's self accountability and it's hard work. I learned once the relationship is toxic it's up to the abuser to accept the truth and do the work to change. It's not your responsibility to change another person. It's up to you to accept that they are as they are and either accept the toxicity or walk away. Very few people put in the effort to do the work to change so they change their partners instead. It's easier for them to find someone else to put up with their behaviour than to change it. Understanding the patterns is helpful but explaining behaviour and accepting behaviour are too different things. Cheers 💖
I am a dismissive avoidant and I could relate to what you explained in this video. I realized a few years later that it’s important for me to feel emotions than repressing it. So I write to heal and it’s wonderful-the whole cathartic process. Thank you for making these videos!! ❤️
I am the FA and Dating a DA so your videos have really helped me. I have had so much anxiety in the relationship and I am learning how to cope with it and open up to him.
I actually showed my girlfriend many of your videos because she is definitely a Dm and I'm an anxious. The entire time she just kept nodding her head especially when it came to childhood. You have completely changed my way of approach and her mindset on reality. Ty so much for what you do.
@@kevinmuchiri5162 It went pretty good. She's much more involved with her feelings than before. I know it's difficult for her so I take what she is willing to give and never push for more. Thanks for asking!
(From a dismissive avoidant) be careful when trying this. I cant speak for the others but I really hate when people try to help me. Please dont try to overly be there if that makes sense. Show me youre there in small steps dont just sprint at me with your feelings because I will run away faster.
frrr I absolutely hate ppl tryna help me because I feel like I need to be independent and get things done without depending on anyone. The best way to go about it is to simply let me come to you when I'm ready
Here's the frustrating thing. We get it, it's really hard for you to share. We also, variably understand that avoiding sharing is both a symptom and a cause of your ongoing internal struggle. Your educated and empathetic partners won't sit around for years waiting for you to offer baby steps. Trust is a two way street. This isn't meant to belittle your life experience, but by definition of these attachment styles, *any* pace won't be comfortable for you. The definition of recovery is learning -through experience, that sharing does you no actual harm as an adult, and 9 times out of 10 gets you closer to being truly understood. Turning the experience of sharing from a horrifying nightmare of a scenario, to something you can actually look forward to. Finding that in fact, sharing your deepest stuff with a trustworthy contact feels *good* and is the only real way to be seen. What I'm saying is maybe sharing looks and feels like a high-wire every time you step out, but I guarantee that you have the strength to do it, and to survive any fall. The falls will get lesser and lesser every time you give it a shot, until you realize one day there was no high wire there, you're just walking on a string strung across the floor.
"I shouldn't have compared this attachment to a dying plant" 😂😂 omg that's so cute, it could've been worse, it's a cute analogy though. I like these videos, they help me understand myself a bit more. I understand people need emotional support and that it's ok to be weak and ask for help, but that's usually advice I give friends. It feels so weird to repeat it often but not to take my own advice. 😅😅 Anyhow, keep up the good work, I like your videos 😊😊 (I subscribed yesterday but only commented today 😝)
Yes its true, it works I have been understanding to my mother all of my life. But as soon as I got to know myself, my feelings, needs and wounds and as soon as I needed something from her for a change... I am so much in need for her understanding. I only see rejection and misunderstanding from her. Making her understand me means giving her so much understanding first until she can open up a bit. Yes it works, but it costs so much energy. Especially when I need hers now. Thank you, I see a lot of people commenting very positively. Good luck with your channel!
After 4 breaks from my DA. I pulled the plug only to realise that I was a anxious attachment. So I learnt as much as possible regarding love languages. I managed to offer her a new dynamic and she's done some self development. It's all much better now. I feel the dyer pain you go through but sort yourself out and then reapproach. Much love from the UK ❤️
Careful... If you are empathetic and have an insecure attachment style yourself, chances are you WANT SO BADLY to nurse the DA back to life. Esp if you're FA you are so down to dedicate your time and heart to them to "heal them". And what happens? They dismiss you sooner or later! I seriously don't understand how to make a DA care about you at all. Great video anyway.
This is exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. I don't know if it's going to be worth it but I'm still eager to help my DA ex-partner even if I get hurt.
I'm tired of hearing this kind of comment... Thais videos are for all insecure attachment styles, to get better and become secure. But in her Dismissive Avoidant videos there are always people from other attachment criticizing and saying very painful things to the DA. And they even say those things to the attachment style that has more difficulty opening up precisely because criticism affects them the most, even if they don't recognize it. Stop doing so much damage! I'm DA, I have been in a relationship for almost 9 years and I care about my partner. We have a relationship based on love and mutual respect. I'm not a unicorn, I just needed someone who wanted to understand me and had patience and compassion.
in all videos there are suggestions about how others should behave to make an avoidant feel good, but there should be equal share of efforts from the avoidant's side. it can never happen that others keep on putting efforts to make things right and the avoidant behaves like bloody cindrella.
I love you! Amazing insights. I'm dating an avoidance attachment style. Ignored by her mother and father. INFJ...guarded...not trusting...and unfortunately...I am starting to date one. Oh..by the way, we dated 27 years ago. She acted the same way then. She is everything I want in a partner accept for the guarded, emotionally unavailable part. Doh!! Arg...
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to figure out about my BF!! He was physically abused as a young child. WOW!! So extremely helpful! Thanks so much!
I see some thumbs down. I can't imagine what they need, but I'll say it again and never enough, you are the superstar of u tube with the loving information and explanations you give. A godsend. Relationships and harmony can exist because of this information. I totally could not see how sensitive my partner was, my dismissive has indeed showed up to be the best partner because I used the information and followed your advice. You speak pure light.
I just discovered your videos and attachment styles, and realized my boyfriend is a DA - it explains so much! I've been confused by his distance and "coldness," but have found that separation often helps him open up; for example, he seems to only want my attention and express his emotions when I'm gone for the weekend, self-isolating, or even just in a different room talking to someone else for an extended period of time. As an FA, how can I respond to/encourage these moments of vulnerability without scaring him back into his "distant" mode?
Thank you so much; I had seen the behavior in myself and my partner, not knowing why when we should be at the peak of happiness, it seemed to be Sabotaged. These videos are definitely why I love youtube. Can't want to watch more content.
Thanks for the explanation. This helps me understand myself better. I always wonder why I can never open up anything to anyone to the point it affects my language. I have problem to speak out my needs, feelings, communication in general. But I have no problem with writing. I feel naked to tell even a simple event of my life for fear of judgment and rejection.
Lulu, try to go slowly and with what feels least scary to you. Build positive emotional associations to it. Thais has a lot of helpful content in her online school. Good luck, and blessings to you. Max
I love the compassion you embody in your videos and advice. That speaks to me so strongly of the self work and inner healing you've done in your life, which makes your guidance so much more authentic, grounded, accessible and heart-centered - which is exactly what this world needs so much. You help to dissolve the walls that can so easily exist between those who anxiously attach to dismissives etc. Thank you so much!
My partner and I had a lot of fights, before I knew he was avoidant.. now I understand things a lot more and I can see how much I hurt him with all my demands and the way I treated him many times when he would close off, I took it personal like he didn’t care enough about me, and whenever I would bring that up he would be baffled on how I could think that. But based on the experience from my relationships and people I know he is extremely stoic, doesn’t express his feelings (he never told me he loved me, just once he said I adore you and care deeply about you) but to me it wasn’t enough. And I pressured him so hard and I became resentful of his privacy (invaded his privacy really bad, snooped) I have anxious attachment so I was super triggered. Now I understand more and I’m trying to be more secure. We’ve been on and off long distance, now we are back to long distance and he has closed off a lot. Last months we spent together we had a million fights and many got very ugly emotionally. Like I don’t remember fighting like that with anyone. And now I’ve been watching all this sort of videos, started therapy, and I understand a lot more but feels like I’m watering a dead plant. He never says he misses me anymore. Barely calls me, has asked me for space, etc. I am trying REALLY hard because when it was good it was great with him. And after knowing all this I feel we can understand each other better. But idk maybe there’s too much damage done and I should just give up. Stop watering the plant and if it comes back to life next spring maybe give it another chance. I feel like I need a world of patience and maybe I’m missing out on a better relationship
@@sofiapaladino5172 thanks for the feedback, sorry to hear that. Similar situation here. It seems almost all of these relationships end after many tries.
I have been watching a ton of these videos during this time of social distancing. They are so helpful and it made me change my outlook as to how my partner and I function together. Thank you.
Your videos have been super helpful as being in a relationship with someone who is DA. Unfortunately I got to your videos after I ended things. It's a very lonely process! Speaking as someone who had severe childhood trauma and abandonment myself. I recognized the the signs of DA just didn't have a name for it. I was always asking he is not emotionally available or afraid of commitment. Which I'm sure didn't help! I wish I knew how to help and take his pain away. I almost felt like I was paying the price for what someone else did to him. So I must love him from a distance. It still hurts a lot as I'm sure a part of him is hurting evening if he isn't recognized the loss yet. The way I started to work in my issues was some how by the Grace of God having a child, and by a very stubborn and loving ex of mine who broke down the very large wall I had. For this I'm great full. I guess I wasn't strong enough to do the same in this relationship.
Narcissist is bounded about far too much in general online these days. It's not just towards dismissive avoidant attachment styles, but anyone who does something someone else doesn't like. Which really isn't helpful.
@@daraiekana2688 I am a dismissive avoidant, and I was in a relationship with a narcissist. We are NOTHING alike. NOTHING. I may retreat and hide when there have been feelings felt or expressed that I wasn't prepared for, but a narcissist won't even acknowledge or feel them in the first place. That is a key distinction, one that really would serve you not to overlook. I care about people, even when I struggle to engage in ways that other people take forgranted, a narcissist sees other people as means to their own end - they don't actually care about anyone. (Sadly including themselves.) I might struggle to express what is going on with me, I've got a lot better over the years but it still takes me some time to feel my feelings, a narcissist will never be genuine with you. They can never be their authentic selves - they are not in touch with it at all. They are entirely a false self. I could go on, but I hope this demonstrates clearly that we are truly nothing alike in our character.
I e so dered if my husband was a narcissist, but like you said I have just found it so overdone. But coming across this, avioda f personality I realize that is what my husband is. It's not that he doesn't care, or that he is being manipulative, its just hard for him. But being on the outside not knowing someone's heart or moti es it could be easy to confuse the two.
Grace Lewis well said 👏👏👏. I agree with you especially some characteristics of narcissism mimic the Anxious attachment style like need for validation which we dismissive Avoidants don’t need much, hate being alone which is so far from Avoidant attachment style, need for attention etc. Avoidant attachment style is not at all exploitative and entitled like the narcissist. I had a narcissistic parent that is one of the reasons for for my attachment style and I am not even close to being a narcissist.
Hi Thais! I don't know that I've ever commented on a TH-cam video, but I just feel the need to tell you how glad I am to have found your channel. Attachment theory really resonates with me--I've read so much about it and often discuss it in therapy, as it pertains to my on again/off again (dismissive avoidant/anxious preoccupied... oof) relationship. You absolutely bring such incredible light to this topic. Thank you for sharing your insights :)
I agree.... Everyone always beats up on this attachment style which helps no one. Thank you for this video. You can't help who you fall in love with...❤️
@Jojo Moa Yes self work is important but again.... You can't help who you fall in love with. DAs are hard work but they are still people with issues who are very hurt just like lots if other people.
My FA spouse cheated on me when as a strong DA I pulled away after him screaming and yelling from undiagnosed Bipolar at the time. I retreated and physically pulled away. Your description of me is right on point. Now, him medicated and us realizing what had been happening, I still cannot let that wall down. He was critical, shaming...all the things that kill me.
@8:02 to @8:13 serious autostereogram moment for understanding my former AP. I can now have compassion instead of massive hurt or resentment that it was her being lost & dysregulated when she stonewalled my attempt at amicable closure.
Always great video! What if they give you nothing to go on? With my DA if I ask how are you feeling or what can I do- when he’s in that shut down place, all I get is either “you know I’m not ok” or “I’m in a weird place” and “thanks but there’s nothing you can do.” He refuses any comfort since our break. He offers only general topics like “I’m worried about my kids.” No further discussion. He will accept a massage!!
I’m in the same place. I would love an answer to this. I always get “I’m just tired”. He couldn’t possibly have been so tired for 3 days that he won’t talk or smile at home. Shutting down is the hardest to know what to do
So crazy how the responses are identical! I always get “YOU KNOW I’m not okay” “I’m not myself” “I’m lost” “I’m in a weird place” it’s so frustrating not because that’s how they feel but because they refuse to accept comfort or support 🥵
I am an Anxious. After 3 months of focusing on myself after the breakup, my dismissive ex tried to initiate some foreplay at work today. I walked away from it and she was embarrassed. Kind of awkward through out the day. I am trying to figure out whether it would work between us or not. You're the only person i found that speak positively about dismissives. Everyone else speak of them as difficult and i experienced that first hand over 1 and half years of us living together. I know for sure that I am the only one educated myself about attachment styles since the break up. Would my newly acquired knowledge alone be enough to make a healthy relationship with her? I don't want to make myself vulnerable again to her unless she would put in much more effort than she did before.
Thais has an online school, where you have two live webinars a week and can ask her questions directly. I hugely recommend it. As to your question, from my perspective: do you feel compassion for her? Are you willing to communicate your needs clearly time and time again? And continue to provide a safe space for her? It might be too scary for her to work on herself, even if you share this content with her. She might even see it as a criticism. Personally i find that i am still in love with a dismissive avoidant woman, i care about her, and want to try again with all the knowledge I've gained from thais. Again, I really recommend for you to consider joining Thais online school, and to work through your attachment style and hers. I honestly believe deep down all of us want to be loved.
Understanding your situations is beyond anything that the comments section of TH-cam can advise. It always depends. It's not really a da question, but a question of willingness and commitment etc. I certainly would want a partner to learn about any unhealthy relating style, whatever that might be. Yo don't say it, but my perception is that she needs to be convinced. If I had to convince someone...then I'd ask myself if they're either not owning something, or not prepared to deal with it.
I've just found this video. My partner left me a few weeks ago and I couldn't figure out what was going on. She would never open up about her feelings and talk about what her fears are, insecurities, worries etc. She had a very abusive father and didn't receive the love she deserved as a child. After years of our relationship, I had no idea that my words or tone of voice during conversations was hurting her. I'm not the best at explaining the context behind my words either. So I now know that I've hurt her, made her feel like I was going to abandon her, and made her not want to talk to me, even though I had asked for many months. I wish we took the time to really talk about our feelings. She was my soulmate and I feel so ashamed that I caused her pain and didn't even realise. I'll never forgive myself for losing the most precious person I have ever known. I just wish I would have known during our relationship instead of her telling me things after she left and won't be coming back. 😪
So what is the difference between emotionally unavailable and a dismissive avoidant style? I feel like they're not exactly the same thing, but the overlap is greater than the differences. However, I also believe the other insecure styles are unavailable as well (anxious, fearful) because they don't show up in the relationship as their true or whole self... the anxious is acting on their fear of abandonment while the fearful is hiding themselves altogether and presenting a facade. Now, if we accept the idea that all 3 of these styles are 'unavailable', it's a bit weird to me to read internet articles about how unhealthy these relationships are -- where one or both partners are unavailable. The advice given can be summarized as "run and never look back" or something. While your videos are different and present an in-depth understanding of the styles, and kinda has this "don't give up" undertone to it. I think this difference exists because you're coming from a more well-rounded perspective. Of course, at the end of the day, each case is different. So, for example, I'm a fearful avoidant who just had a massive fight with a dismissive avoidant (I initiated, I got mad at something he did to me). But he's not _simply_ a dismissive avoidant the way you describe. He's also narcissistIC (I don't believe he's an actual narcissist) and generally an asshole if I'm being honest. At first I couldn't separate his bad behavior from his attachment style because I kept trying to neatly categorize all his traits into one box, but now I see just how many variables are involved in every dynamic, and that it's not simply the case where only attachment style matters in resolving issues. Sometimes, there are compatibility problems, sometimes people are on completely different pages, sometimes one partner is just an asshole (and it could be any of the attachment styles to be honest), etc. And those are legitimate reasons why it needs to end. Being able to detect this kind of nuance is what places one in a better position to decide.
How do you know if you should run from the relationship or give them a chance? Because I'm in a similar situation to you, I got in a fight with a dismissive avoidant and I really dont want to go back but hes trying to contact me more and be nice. I'm wondering if it's just a facade or not, i dont want to be an idiot and run back as soon as he says one nice word
No matter what, imo, if they're emotionally unavailable, let them be. They're either a narcissistic persona or they're recovering, and retreating into themselves to do some self-discovery and should be given time to do so or passed over so as not to interfere with their growth.
Emotionally unavailable is where they litrally have no time in their life for you at all. They may have too much work, just not time at all for you and your emotions. DA they just dont open up and push u away on purpose
Ugh! All of a sudden these videos have been showing up in my recommendations. I thank you for sharing your knowledge/insight on this subject matter. But this can be VERY frustrating. My ex from 20 years ago went out of his way to find me and reconnect with me. Now I feel that he have withdrawn from me completely. Idk I feel as though the Holy Spirit is telling me that he suffers from this. But for me after everything that I have been through . I'm ready to leave it alone altogether. I already deleted his number from my phone. Anyway the only thing that I can keep doing is asking God for strength, and for direction on how I should proceed in Jesus name. Lord please help, guide, and strengthen me in Jesus name. Amen.
I was in a relationship with what I believe is a dismissive fearful avoidant. Im a anxious style and I think we pushed each other's buttons. He avoided me after the honeymoon stage so I felt abandoned and hurt by that so I misunderstood. I didn't know about attachment styles. I wish I would have ...it would've saved us both from the painful experience.
This is my last story and through advice of a few, I'm on my third attempt and now I have enough information and I think.its s go! The pain over 2 years , feeling abandoned or not good enough I healed through some guided hypnosis. Meditations work too for us anxious types.thanks for sharing. Thais' worksheets are great. Find her videos with doing the work if you have not already.
I didn't know about dismissive avoidant. I am anxious mostly, but have avoidant personality disorder. I have been trying to pursue a dismissive avoidant for a couple years and have been confused about this extreme pattern of withdraw. Understand the need for avoidance because of shame though. I feel like I relate to the DA style though definitely am Anxious as well. I have just been so confused by this person's behaviors when it comes to bonding (or not). I don't know if the relationship will ever truly begin.
As a DA and trying to heal my childhood trauma but I find it really hard to be vulnerable. It’s like an automatic respond to close off when I start having emotions I can’t understand. And trying to express it just made others confused or judgemental. I don’t like being a DA, it sucks and it feels confusing
Exactly! I see some comments degrading us and talking shit. But they act like we WANT to be like this. Of course we don’t wanna have the shitty childhood trauma we have. Everyday is a battle and every relationship or situationship is a battle it’s just has hard on us as it is on the other partner!
@@zyerrastafford9266 all insecure attachment styles are rooted from childhood trauma. The difference is AP's overcompensate by trying to hard to hold onto love in the relationship. Therefore making it easier to change as we (recovered AP) will do anything for our partners. Even change. It does seem more difficult to heal from closing people off. I was an AP with a DA, I'm secure now, wondering if after 7yrs, if he's capable of changing too? He says he's trying yet he's still running 😭
Thank you for sharing, its good to hear a DAs point of view. This video might help th-cam.com/video/BhPFuNuCMQ8/w-d-xo.html. Good luck on your healing 🙏
@@gwendolynn7314 deep down we want to change and for him to be willing to even open about that is a huge sign! However we don’t change over night and we are talking about yearssss of trauma we are trying to un do 😭 so just give him time but don’t wait forever!
I've been loving extremely supportive I helped him get sober almost 4 years ago we've been together off and on for almost 5 and that's because he can't commit, he does not give me the love that I give him after he got sober he started working a second full-time job which I thought was okay he needed that to stay sober but that's not the case he chooses work over me when he's not working like yesterday holiday oh I don't feel well I have severe depression and anxiety, I loved him I gave him all I possibly could but when is it his turn to give to me I just can't with him anymore I deserve better I gave him so many chances but enough is enough
Ugh 😣 so I am an INTP fearful/anxious to was engaged to a lovely woman but I’m certain that she is a Dismissive/avoidant we had a wonderful start to our 3 years together but in the last 6 months of the relationship (this ended only 10 weeks ago) we where both closed to each other… she always had a content to her that I struggled to get from her. I have an idea what it all is but I couldn’t find the way/words to get her to express it.. I’m sad that I hadn’t found you channel sooner as it may have gone some way to saved our relationship.
Is there a way to see an example of a healthy conversation when conflict does come up? My husband is a dismissive avoidant and I’m a fearful avoidant and I am unclear on how to have these conversations when he refuses to express any emotion and I desperately need to express and feel emotion. Could you maybe one day do a mock example of how conversations can happen in a healthy way?
Good idea 👌 I was raised in a toxic dysfunctional family dynamic and unhealthy communication was imprinted on me since birth. Effective verbal communication is such an essential and invaluable skill that I would really appreciate learning ✌💖 TY for sharing
My DA and i would have a misunderatanding..basically him not hearing me when i was expressing myself and id cry and complain later. I said lets tey to have that convo again but see if we can go about it a different way. Yeah..that worked. Lol. Anything he agrees to he soon forgets and im like..but you said... Its very difficult sometimes..usually once a month. Over the holidays, twice in one week. :0/
@@casperinsight3524 I was abused as a kid and didnt have a voice..35 years later im still not able to express myself at first go. Its only after about 15 to 30 minutes later i get my nerve up. Very frustrating not putting myself out there..and then he has to hear me and follow through.
Thank you so much for your videos. They've been so helpful. Now I unfortunately may be asking for the impossible . Would it be possible to help a dismissive avoidant recognize that they need help?
Its a matter if they want help. Mine says hes happy not to work on himself at his age of 64. So its take it or leave it. He has adapted to me, FA and my expressiveness but will say..Accept me as i am. Hes happy as himself.
Been watching a lot of videos they seem very insightful. And it's amazing that I haven't heard of this before. I think it'd be interesting to see a video on two dismissive avoidants getting together. What would that relationship Dynamic look like?
I just didn't know about this when I was with him. I got to know about attachment styles after I broke up with him. So no chances to even improve the situation.
Thank you so much for your videos. It provides so much understanding and comfort. Do you provide private consultations? I’d really like to discuss more with you. My partner is a dismissive avoidant but the first step I guess is for them to realise/acknowledge. How they come to realise/acknowledge?
My wife is an avoidant. Very manipulative and very cold. I hate being married to her. All attempts to communicate are met with sabotage on her end. All attempts to be open and closer are met with her pushing me away. She has abandoned me so much in our marriage and I feel like I'm not even in a real relationship. I'm just a moneybag and a doll to fit in her dollhouse. Avoidants are literally the worst. I should have dumped her st the first sign.
curious if you've heard of dismissive avoidants who were not neglected but had their space invaded upon and boundaries pushed by a parent which resulted in this attachment style?
Emotional neglect from what? My ex's parents don't talk they haven't been together for years. But he would stone wall me for suggesting that this may have had an impact on him in anyway... He'd actually say "don't talk about my family" or if I tried to figure out why it didn't work out with his ex he'd say "don't talk about my ex" i tried every tactic people usually find it very easy to open up to me... I very often hear "I can't believe I'm telling you this" can't believe someone got to be in his 40s completely avoiding his emotions...
It's probably because he's blocking out those experiences. You trying to get him to open him might be triggering him to remember those uncomfortable situations hence why he doesn't wanna talk about them.
Oh damn I am this way with my family. I was always cold when I was home or shutdown. Being around them always made me uncomfortable and angry so I had to cope that way. It sucks being in constant defense. It wears away at you. In friendships I'm pretty open and warm. But then in romantic relationships I start to feel that anger and resentment stir in me and I pull out the grey rock method unconsciously. My ex told me how I never really talked about my day. I would just say how it was boring. Thats definitely the defense mechanism I used on my parents so I wouldn't have to deal with them as if they cared about my day anyway.
So i think my partner is DA, sometimes i feel he’s covert narc because he does things he know hurts me, if i speak up about it and he says im attacking him. So literally anything except words of praise he will shut down and go avoidant. Dismissive is his first name btw. But he was never like that in our 8 years of friendship prior to dating him. We are in our late 30s. And I find myself continually confused by his words vs his actions. Idk what to do. I want to leave, yet the thought of throwing the friendship away with the relationship really hurts. He was the one I would always talk to about personal things. Now I just feel lost. I think I’m going to have to leave him, I give him so much space if I were to give anymore I may as well end it :/.
It's amazing what I learn from others about something I'm working on. Others have ideas I've never thought of even though I'm the one with the time invested building the prototype! Just by asking others's their thoughts they make "my" project become "ours".
My problem is the amount of patience needed for them to come around. While showing up for them my own needs are being unmet. The secrets and distrust, the misunderstandings. My person despite all that has been done and said to show how much I care was still recently able to say no one cares about him. It leaves me feeling like what the hell have I been doing all this time if none of it has made a difference. Yet when I give up and start to go toward accepting I must not be his person he holds on to me for dear life still giving nothing in return.
I know this is an old video but to me DA is similar to borderline personality disorder in that you develop coping mechanisms as a child to deal with inconsistent caregivers, abuse, chaotic environment etc... but in adulthood those coping mechanisms don't translate. You no longer need them to survive. They are no longer needed. I have BPD and there is a "cure". It just takes extensive therapy. Most people won't don't seek the help in their lifetime. Also, most people aren't self aware so they don't realize what they do or that they need to seek therapy.
we do seem like the dying plant, we usually feel like we have been dying for so many years..... and we have a hard time dealing with people in general because it takes a long time to trust. we started out trusting too readily and hopefully... and too much, and then boom. a few of those, then yup DA is the medicine.
When trying to communicate with my DA, he immediately retaliates and throws tantrums. This is every time a conversation is needed to be had. He throws a bomb in it! 😢 it’s so hurtful and confusing 😢
My partner has been saying 1-2 word responses stopped saying goodmorning goodnight, stopped putting effort into plan stuff his really checked out and just won't budge .... Among constant criticism of me It's hard because it sabotages us and he just won't budge. I took space for a few days and it's just like pulling teeth, maybe his trust is hurt ... But I mean it's like I also just wish he could see things from my side. Last night he says I had a rough day.... Then I just said Here if you want to talk about it xo. He responded driving...... Then after an hour I just said Night Babe take care, hope things get better. He didn't respond and nothing still this morning 🤷🏻♀️.... Just we are drifting apart and it feels like he is no longer interested and I'm like always alone these days... How do I get out of this rut with him.
My husband is a dismissive avoidant and he just told me he had a 2 yr affair … I was shocked and devastated … could this condition leave them vulnerable to seeking external validation outside the marriage ??? He was abandoned by his father as a child and his mother was so cold and negligent … he is now in therapy but I am so gutted … he is such a good man but I’m struggling with his bad behaviour 😟😟😟
I really hurt her. My avoidant crush. I feel like she's more closed off than ever because of me. There was so much trust, but I burned that bridge to the ground, maybe even because of a misunderstanding. Maybe she even hates me, but I want to make things right. Sure, she might not give an answer I want to hear, but even still. I want her to have a great rest of her life. It doesn’t have to be with be
The problem is when I try digging deeper about what's actually going on with what he's feeling, he gets defensive and at times angry because he told me before he doesn't want to bring up negative feelings, in turn I respect it cause I don't want to make things worse. So I just ask how he's doing and that's about it, if I feel like I wanna show my support somehow I might add something more but still trying not to inquire, just being sweet let's say. How can I approach this?
I share way more than my DA does. He lives his own emotional life away from me and doesnt share it. He just wont talk about things that dont involve me. I dont try anymore besides things in daily life or involve me. He doesnt ask me follow up questions which is weird and awkward so im trying to say more and not wait on him. Its frustrating. After 17 months he just told me about his parents wedding anniversary. I was very surprised but i didnt ask more. Shrugs
I’m soo glad that someone finally explains this attachment style without demonizing it. Thank you!!!!
blackjadesoul I agree many people misunderstand us
@@roshalllambert i second this, many people say we’re sociopaths or unemotional but most of us are pretty sensitive, just from a personal... point of view 🥲..we just tend to be out of tune with our emotions, it can hurt sometimes when people assume we want to hurt people.
update: i’ve discovered i’m a fearful avoidant not a dismissive avoidant:’)
@@themoonisbeautifulisntit2860 Da's DISMISS other people's emotions and perspective and seem to only care about their own emotions and perspective. You tell them how they dismiss your feelings and needs only to be dismissed over and over again and again!
@@KN-os1pv yeah i figured that out now:’/ i found i’m actually a fearful avoidant
@@KN-os1pv yes its been my experience for the last year and a half. I know its not intentional but its repetitive and tiring. He doesnt seem to hear me or what i says he doesnt follow thru on. We arent life partners so theres that but its definitely not easy street. Sigh. Hes a great fun guy and i love him.
I know how sensitive my dismissive ex is because I could see the pain and longing in his eyes, even when he wasn't in touch with it... I tried so hard to take care of him emotionally, but I couldn't have any stability because he triggered my anxious patterns too much, even though I can be very secure in relationships that meet my needs... I feel so sad that he wasn't willing to work on improving his responsiveness to my needs, though I tried so hard to explain it to him why it was so important...
It's so incredibly hard, because when they open up they are amazing and loving as Thais says. It makes their rejection, from their fears kicking in, hurt all the more when the cycle repeats itself. So sorry you've been hurt, too.
It isn't your job to rescue anyone. Glad you moved on even though it hurts. Currently having the exact same experience with my DA husband of 12 yrs. I want to move on from my relationship because it's mentally taxing and I'm tired of just giving and giving and not having my needs met
Should of not destroyed myself trying to comfort and love a person like that
Omg, I dated a guy for a few months just like how you described. I see the shame, the fear of neglect, the sensitive reactions in his eyes. I tried to encourage and be patient, but the unstable mood I get week by week especially after the first month drove my anxiety higher and higher. I was so sad when he decided to end things. Maybe it was too much for him to deal with too. He was not willing to change. He avoided it all and turned back to what he knows best - partying and drinking away so he doesn't have to deal with reality. I can breathe now, but still sad when I think about him.
I feel your pain so deeply.
I don't have the energy. Being with someone like this make me feel like they are not interested. So, I just want to fall back altogether.
Exactly. I’m dealing with it now.
Agreed!!
Yep, being vulnerable feels super scary. I opened to an ex around this time last year and afterwards she started to distance herself from me. It felt like I should have just kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. I'm slowly but surely being more vulnerable with people and I constantly remind myself that their response doesn't have to effect whether or not I continue to be vulnerable.
What you learned is female nature 101.
@@cla1814 so mature.
@@SR77736 Yes maturity and life experience. Never open up vulnerability to a women they will not see you as a man again, you can search online for multiple men with exact same experience.
I went through something similar as you with the last person I dated and I’m dismissive avoidant as well. That’s what I’ve learned as well that being vulnerable can be scary but the other person’s response shouldn’t affect anything. It’s really difficult for me as a woman to make connections due to this reason because most guys I’ve dated had required this kind of connection or vulnerability very early on. But, there’s someone out there for everyone and one day I know I ll meet someone patient enough to understand me as a person.
this was beautiful! continue building that security and secure attachment within yourself. It's always a good thing to be vulnerable, someone who is secure themselves will reciprocate and lift you up. They wont turn and run and make you second guess yourself :)
Mild DA here. After being committed for depression and getting the help that I needed, I am far more open and able to express myself and my boundaries as well as noticing and appreciating the needs of others. We are absolutely capable of change.
🙌🏽
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 yes we are.. ❤️
This is so encouraging. Thank you.
just figured my wife could be a DA. your message gives me hope❤
I have been with my dismissive avoidant husband for 15 years and I'm anxious attachment style. We have been apart for over 3 months since the pandemic, separated by 4,500 miles and travel restrictions. Things are not easy when we are together, but the lack of communication during this separation and the pain that causes has prompted me to dig deeper into this information on attachment styles and gives me the opportunity to not allow myself to be so triggered by the lack of response. I recognize that the tendency on my part is to anxiously pursue to try to get attention and validation, or to cut off altogether to go and lick my wounds. Neither is ideal. It's painful but I also see it as a growth opportunity. I finally realize that so much of the dynamic is not only about me.
We deserve outward love too,,we are human
They do respond to the support but sometimes the wounds are so deep that after all of the support and coddling they have the capacity to fall right back into unhealthy patterns like not even a week later. And it’s so hard to keep giving and giving because they don’t know how to give back in return . My DA won’t express himself and it’s almost like dealing with a child. And it’s hurtful to their partners. I’m FA and I have shut down from my DA because I think it’s important to nurse myself back to health before I keep getting drained and hurt trying to nurse him back to a healthy attachment style. He doesn’t get it and it seems like he doesn’t want to, which truly saddens me. But being someone who’s *does* get it I feel like it would be foolish to keep putting myself through the trauma
I hope you find someone who is emotionally available and secure. can give you the love you deserve, and connection you crave
You're healing your attachment style to secure through all of this. I know!
Im dealing with the exact same thing right now, I know exactly how you feel
My tree houseplant literally died while I was in a stressful relationship with a dismissive avoidant
😂😂
Dayum
You didn't water it. 💧
Lmao!
I have been struggling getting over someone who I have now deemed a dismissive avoidant. It has been almost a year and I think about him constantly still. I had chalked it up to me not being good enough, lacking something or other. I am so thankful for your videos bc it has truly given me closure and UNDERSTANDING. Thank you SO much. I hope you know that channels like these change lives, at least mine. It is nice to have peace of mind and relief of the anxiety that has accompanied the misunderstanding and pain.
Getting over a dismissive avoidant after my break up ended up being difficult as well! I too was thinking about this person, even though I had initiated the break up--I just couldn't deal with the withdrawal of connection, especially when things got difficult. This video made so much sense and because Thais brings a very compassionate perspective to the issue, it was a lot easier for me to appreciate the situation. You are not alone in this!
Mistakenly I initially thought my ex was a narcissist, but not all the behavior traits amounted to it. When I learned about dismissive avoidant attachment style, I was floored by how accurate the description was.
Me too
@@leefroml.a.8679 me too. had to leave also
@@leefroml.a.8679 (?) Was the withdraw you received based around intimacy or vulnerability? I have too much self worth to be treated poorly with the immature response of ghosting. These individuals cause lots of hurt & it's like it doesn't effect them, they just change the channel with no apology. He lives in L.A. lol
I think I am DA. Can you enlighten me what is "opening up"? What the f***k you we talking about here?
Once again, Thais speaks so much truth. I am very strongly DA and only just started opening up and trying to be vulnerable to people because I realized it usually gets me what I want actually LOL I nearly start to cry every time I share a piece of information about myself from a highly vulnerable place with someone (including my family).
I hope you're doing better now. It must be too hard for you but you realized you have a problem and working hard to change. I respect you a lot
Im becoming more DA. I was fearful avoidant but I just feel so rejected from having my emotions rejected that I'm closing off and checking out
It's extremely painful & confusing for the person involved with them, i had to walk away, he wouldnt open up at all, only on his terms, i felt used & manipulated
Yup, and mine would shut my emotional needs down and make me wait to be heard until I freaking exploded. He hated 'deep talks' and self work. To me it has nothing to do with not understanding him. I worked my ass off to understand him, and gave him excuses and forgivness all the time for sabotaging and microagressions. I validated his emotions. I just wasn't allowed to get hurt emotionally myself by him, thay always got turned around to it being actually him hurt again. I was caregiver, but we ended after I grew and stopped wanting to be caregiver, not becuase he grew and stopped needing a caregiver. I don't care I am FA, tired of ridicule for having my own needs. I been aware of myself without the title a long time though .
@@evonne315 Spot on.
@@evonne315 hugsx
I really appreciate these videos. My wife has this attachment style, we're currently separated, but I've been doing as much research as I can to help understand her on a deeper level and perhaps reconnect.
Good luck with reconnecting, I hope myself to be able to reconnect with a dismissive avoidant woman, and Thais' information has been extremely helpful.
Did you guys able to reconnect ?
@@MrRennuj34 we will meet in a few days to talk. Wish me luck!
@@moeperk81 good luck , hope everything goes well for you both (((((:
Save yourself.
So when does the avoidant become accountable for allowing their own past of emotional neglect to cause them to also display emotional neglect? Asking for a friend.
I’m an avoidant with growing secure attachment after many years of healing work. Personally, once I recognize what I’m feeling and doing because of that pattern, I take responsibility. Now I recognize it much sooner, (sometimes before I act!) and can address myself and the other person with kindness, respect and still honor my needs while respecting them. Not always, but I have been on a lifetime of inner work. I’m also a very compassionate person by nature and take responsibility (too much at times) for myself.
I think we are responsible for our actions, even if we have been abused... the abuse only explains why but doesn’t abdicate responsibility. The level of consciousness and awareness of a person will determine how much responsibility they are able to own up to and how much they can work on healing.
@@TheresFuckeryAfoot how did you start to recognize it? I've been telling my brother that his gf won't see what he sees until she chooses to see it. Just wondering if this is the kinda thing that's easily pointed out to someone or if it's like drugs where they have to hit rock bottom to see what ppl point out.
coffee_ corpse... I’m not sure you can “make” someone see. Perhaps the lesson for you is to live by example and not take on the responsibility of healing others or getting them to see. Sometimes when we shift and start doing our own work something happens in the people around us that allows for them to do the same.
I had deep subconscious attachment to wanting my family to “see” and heal but I had an almost spiritual experience that I gave that up. And when I did, I literally felt something leave my body. And without trying or talking about issues, a shift in my family began.
I truly believe if we do our own inner healing and forgiveness and releasing in deep, authentic way- not just intellectually.... it becomes reflected externally too.
When someone gives them a hint about what's wrong with them or they figure it out on their own I'd say.
@@coffee_corpse For me it's not been about hitting rock bottom, it's been about a) seeking out the resources to heal because I was so lonely, b) seeing the right thing modelled to me in movies and TV (I wasn't allowed to see these in childhood so I'm learning what "normal" might look like in adulthood, I know it's not quite like real life but it's closer to healthy or connected than what I was modelled in childhood) and c) having other people model to me the very behaviours I'm missing. People showing me the kindness I have literally never seen before does help things click for me. It might take a few times, sometimes not, but eventually I'll be like... oh! This is what I was missing....
You dont realize how much of a God given gift you have become to me. You've provided me with a beautiful map and a compass to hopefully heal and grow in my relationship with my dismissive avoidant. THANK YOU! 🌷
"nursing a dying plant back to life" delivers the idea really well actually....
I started learning about attachment styles to understand the issues in my recent relationship. While the X has an avoidant dismissive attachment style it was the startling revelation that he is also highly narcissistic that really spoke volumes. I'm learning to examine behaviours, patterns, especially when unhealthy turns to toxic or abusive. We only have the power to change ourselves, it's self accountability and it's hard work.
I learned once the relationship is toxic it's up to the abuser to accept the truth and do the work to change. It's not your responsibility to change another person. It's up to you to accept that they are as they are and either accept the toxicity or walk away. Very few people put in the effort to do the work to change so they change their partners instead. It's easier for them to find someone else to put up with their behaviour than to change it.
Understanding the patterns is helpful but explaining behaviour and accepting behaviour are too different things. Cheers 💖
I am a dismissive avoidant and I could relate to what you explained in this video. I realized a few years later that it’s important for me to feel emotions than repressing it. So I write to heal and it’s wonderful-the whole cathartic process. Thank you for making these videos!! ❤️
I am the FA and Dating a DA so your videos have really helped me. I have had so much anxiety in the relationship and I am learning how to cope with it and open up to him.
I actually showed my girlfriend many of your videos because she is definitely a Dm and I'm an anxious. The entire time she just kept nodding her head especially when it came to childhood. You have completely changed my way of approach and her mindset on reality. Ty so much for what you do.
@@kevinmuchiri5162 It went pretty good. She's much more involved with her feelings than before. I know it's difficult for her so I take what she is willing to give and never push for more. Thanks for asking!
(From a dismissive avoidant) be careful when trying this. I cant speak for the others but I really hate when people try to help me. Please dont try to overly be there if that makes sense. Show me youre there in small steps dont just sprint at me with your feelings because I will run away faster.
frrr I absolutely hate ppl tryna help me because I feel like I need to be independent and get things done without depending on anyone. The best way to go about it is to simply let me come to you when I'm ready
Thank you for the insight but should I wait for him to ask me for help? Because he never does? Or should I let him know I'm there WHEN he needs help
Here's the frustrating thing. We get it, it's really hard for you to share. We also, variably understand that avoiding sharing is both a symptom and a cause of your ongoing internal struggle. Your educated and empathetic partners won't sit around for years waiting for you to offer baby steps. Trust is a two way street. This isn't meant to belittle your life experience, but by definition of these attachment styles, *any* pace won't be comfortable for you. The definition of recovery is learning -through experience, that sharing does you no actual harm as an adult, and 9 times out of 10 gets you closer to being truly understood. Turning the experience of sharing from a horrifying nightmare of a scenario, to something you can actually look forward to. Finding that in fact, sharing your deepest stuff with a trustworthy contact feels *good* and is the only real way to be seen. What I'm saying is maybe sharing looks and feels like a high-wire every time you step out, but I guarantee that you have the strength to do it, and to survive any fall. The falls will get lesser and lesser every time you give it a shot, until you realize one day there was no high wire there, you're just walking on a string strung across the floor.
@@Ryan-ob6gp love this
Then why tf are you even in a relationship?
"I shouldn't have compared this attachment to a dying plant" 😂😂 omg that's so cute, it could've been worse, it's a cute analogy though. I like these videos, they help me understand myself a bit more. I understand people need emotional support and that it's ok to be weak and ask for help, but that's usually advice I give friends. It feels so weird to repeat it often but not to take my own advice. 😅😅 Anyhow, keep up the good work, I like your videos 😊😊 (I subscribed yesterday but only commented today 😝)
Yes its true, it works I have been understanding to my mother all of my life. But as soon as I got to know myself, my feelings, needs and wounds and as soon as I needed something from her for a change... I am so much in need for her understanding. I only see rejection and misunderstanding from her. Making her understand me means giving her so much understanding first until she can open up a bit. Yes it works, but it costs so much energy. Especially when I need hers now.
Thank you, I see a lot of people commenting very positively. Good luck with your channel!
After 4 breaks from my DA. I pulled the plug only to realise that I was a anxious attachment. So I learnt as much as possible regarding love languages. I managed to offer her a new dynamic and she's done some self development. It's all much better now. I feel the dyer pain you go through but sort yourself out and then reapproach. Much love from the UK ❤️
Careful... If you are empathetic and have an insecure attachment style yourself, chances are you WANT SO BADLY to nurse the DA back to life. Esp if you're FA you are so down to dedicate your time and heart to them to "heal them". And what happens? They dismiss you sooner or later! I seriously don't understand how to make a DA care about you at all.
Great video anyway.
This is exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. I don't know if it's going to be worth it but I'm still eager to help my DA ex-partner even if I get hurt.
@@chaotic291 same here.. We must keep ourselves from having expectations, be patient and optimistic. If you feel it, don't give up 🙌
I'm a DA and an empath and although I do wish to help people, I know that those who don't want help cannot be helped
Haha, spot on Mercedes! Going through this now.
I'm tired of hearing this kind of comment... Thais videos are for all insecure attachment styles, to get better and become secure. But in her Dismissive Avoidant videos there are always people from other attachment criticizing and saying very painful things to the DA. And they even say those things to the attachment style that has more difficulty opening up precisely because criticism affects them the most, even if they don't recognize it. Stop doing so much damage! I'm DA, I have been in a relationship for almost 9 years and I care about my partner. We have a relationship based on love and mutual respect. I'm not a unicorn, I just needed someone who wanted to understand me and had patience and compassion.
in all videos there are suggestions about how others should behave to make an avoidant feel good, but there should be equal share of efforts from the avoidant's side. it can never happen that others keep on putting efforts to make things right and the avoidant behaves like bloody cindrella.
I love you! Amazing insights. I'm dating an avoidance attachment style. Ignored by her mother and father. INFJ...guarded...not trusting...and unfortunately...I am starting to date one. Oh..by the way, we dated 27 years ago. She acted the same way then. She is everything I want in a partner accept for the guarded, emotionally unavailable part. Doh!! Arg...
I feel you ):
Me too
I hope I never ever attract these type of men again. Trying to make a relationship work with these types of guys is emotionally draining.
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to figure out about my BF!! He was physically abused as a young child. WOW!! So extremely helpful! Thanks so much!
I've been struggling to understand my emotions alone and you've described this better than I ever could to myself. Thanks
I see some thumbs down. I can't imagine what they need, but I'll say it again and never enough, you are the superstar of u tube with the loving information and explanations you give. A godsend. Relationships and harmony can exist because of this information. I totally could not see how sensitive my partner was, my dismissive has indeed showed up to be the best partner because I used the information and followed your advice. You speak pure light.
Well... yes but they never give back. So if you just keep on giving... you will resent them at the end, because they will never give the same back.
I just discovered your videos and attachment styles, and realized my boyfriend is a DA - it explains so much! I've been confused by his distance and "coldness," but have found that separation often helps him open up; for example, he seems to only want my attention and express his emotions when I'm gone for the weekend, self-isolating, or even just in a different room talking to someone else for an extended period of time. As an FA, how can I respond to/encourage these moments of vulnerability without scaring him back into his "distant" mode?
Thank you so much; I had seen the behavior in myself and my partner, not knowing why when we should be at the peak of happiness, it seemed to be Sabotaged. These videos are definitely why I love youtube. Can't want to watch more content.
Thanks for the explanation. This helps me understand myself better.
I always wonder why I can never open up anything to anyone to the point it affects my language. I have problem to speak out my needs, feelings, communication in general. But I have no problem with writing. I feel naked to tell even a simple event of my life for fear of judgment and rejection.
Lulu, try to go slowly and with what feels least scary to you. Build positive emotional associations to it. Thais has a lot of helpful content in her online school. Good luck, and blessings to you. Max
I love the compassion you embody in your videos and advice. That speaks to me so strongly of the self work and inner healing you've done in your life, which makes your guidance so much more authentic, grounded, accessible and heart-centered - which is exactly what this world needs so much. You help to dissolve the walls that can so easily exist between those who anxiously attach to dismissives etc. Thank you so much!
Very well said, Rob. Well done.
My partner and I had a lot of fights, before I knew he was avoidant.. now I understand things a lot more and I can see how much I hurt him with all my demands and the way I treated him many times when he would close off, I took it personal like he didn’t care enough about me, and whenever I would bring that up he would be baffled on how I could think that. But based on the experience from my relationships and people I know he is extremely stoic, doesn’t express his feelings (he never told me he loved me, just once he said I adore you and care deeply about you) but to me it wasn’t enough. And I pressured him so hard and I became resentful of his privacy (invaded his privacy really bad, snooped) I have anxious attachment so I was super triggered. Now I understand more and I’m trying to be more secure. We’ve been on and off long distance, now we are back to long distance and he has closed off a lot. Last months we spent together we had a million fights and many got very ugly emotionally. Like I don’t remember fighting like that with anyone. And now I’ve been watching all this sort of videos, started therapy, and I understand a lot more but feels like I’m watering a dead plant. He never says he misses me anymore. Barely calls me, has asked me for space, etc. I am trying REALLY hard because when it was good it was great with him. And after knowing all this I feel we can understand each other better. But idk maybe there’s too much damage done and I should just give up. Stop watering the plant and if it comes back to life next spring maybe give it another chance. I feel like I need a world of patience and maybe I’m missing out on a better relationship
How are things now?
@@theguy4615 I’m with someone else, my ex never recovered from those fights and became super resentful
@@sofiapaladino5172 thanks for the feedback, sorry to hear that. Similar situation here. It seems almost all of these relationships end after many tries.
I have been watching a ton of these videos during this time of social distancing. They are so helpful and it made me change my outlook as to how my partner and I function together. Thank you.
Your videos have been super helpful as being in a relationship with someone who is DA. Unfortunately I got to your videos after I ended things. It's a very lonely process! Speaking as someone who had severe childhood trauma and abandonment myself. I recognized the the signs of DA just didn't have a name for it. I was always asking he is not emotionally available or afraid of commitment. Which I'm sure didn't help! I wish I knew how to help and take his pain away. I almost felt like I was paying the price for what someone else did to him. So I must love him from a distance. It still hurts a lot as I'm sure a part of him is hurting evening if he isn't recognized the loss yet.
The way I started to work in my issues was some how by the Grace of God having a child, and by a very stubborn and loving ex of mine who broke down the very large wall I had. For this I'm great full. I guess I wasn't strong enough to do the same in this relationship.
I love your videos, my brother is dismissive avoidant, we live together and it has helped me understand him
The dying plant comparison is accurate.
One thing that irks me is that on the Internet, Avoidant people are compared to Narcissists.
They have many similar characteristics
Narcissist is bounded about far too much in general online these days. It's not just towards dismissive avoidant attachment styles, but anyone who does something someone else doesn't like. Which really isn't helpful.
@@daraiekana2688 I am a dismissive avoidant, and I was in a relationship with a narcissist. We are NOTHING alike. NOTHING. I may retreat and hide when there have been feelings felt or expressed that I wasn't prepared for, but a narcissist won't even acknowledge or feel them in the first place. That is a key distinction, one that really would serve you not to overlook. I care about people, even when I struggle to engage in ways that other people take forgranted, a narcissist sees other people as means to their own end - they don't actually care about anyone. (Sadly including themselves.) I might struggle to express what is going on with me, I've got a lot better over the years but it still takes me some time to feel my feelings, a narcissist will never be genuine with you. They can never be their authentic selves - they are not in touch with it at all. They are entirely a false self. I could go on, but I hope this demonstrates clearly that we are truly nothing alike in our character.
I e so dered if my husband was a narcissist, but like you said I have just found it so overdone. But coming across this, avioda f personality I realize that is what my husband is. It's not that he doesn't care, or that he is being manipulative, its just hard for him. But being on the outside not knowing someone's heart or moti es it could be easy to confuse the two.
Grace Lewis well said 👏👏👏. I agree with you especially some characteristics of narcissism mimic the Anxious attachment style like need for validation which we dismissive Avoidants don’t need much, hate being alone which is so far from Avoidant attachment style, need for attention etc. Avoidant attachment style is not at all exploitative and entitled like the narcissist. I had a narcissistic parent that is one of the reasons for for my attachment style and I am not even close to being a narcissist.
Hi Thais! I don't know that I've ever commented on a TH-cam video, but I just feel the need to tell you how glad I am to have found your channel. Attachment theory really resonates with me--I've read so much about it and often discuss it in therapy, as it pertains to my on again/off again (dismissive avoidant/anxious preoccupied... oof) relationship. You absolutely bring such incredible light to this topic. Thank you for sharing your insights :)
I agree.... Everyone always beats up on this attachment style which helps no one. Thank you for this video. You can't help who you fall in love with...❤️
@Jojo Moa
Yes self work is important but again.... You can't help who you fall in love with.
DAs are hard work but they are still people with issues who are very hurt just like lots if other people.
You are so lovely. I love your attitude and your approach and you are truly a blessing to the humans on this earth.
I like the way you explained the shock we wait for while opening up 😅
Got to hand it to you, Ms Gibson. Nothing works like work and you sure are not shy of that. Thank you.
My FA spouse cheated on me when as a strong DA I pulled away after him screaming and yelling from undiagnosed Bipolar at the time. I retreated and physically pulled away. Your description of me is right on point. Now, him medicated and us realizing what had been happening, I still cannot let that wall down. He was critical, shaming...all the things that kill me.
@8:02 to @8:13 serious autostereogram moment for understanding my former AP. I can now have compassion instead of massive hurt or resentment that it was her being lost & dysregulated when she stonewalled my attempt at amicable closure.
Always great video! What if they give you nothing to go on? With my DA if I ask how are you feeling or what can I do- when he’s in that shut down place, all I get is either “you know I’m not ok” or “I’m in a weird place” and “thanks but there’s nothing you can do.” He refuses any comfort since our break. He offers only general topics like “I’m worried about my kids.” No further discussion. He will accept a massage!!
I'd offer some chocolate when words aren't appropriate.
I’m in the same place. I would love an answer to this. I always get “I’m just tired”. He couldn’t possibly have been so tired for 3 days that he won’t talk or smile at home. Shutting down is the hardest to know what to do
@@dianedoncheski9620 chocolate is always welcome
So crazy how the responses are identical! I always get “YOU KNOW I’m not okay” “I’m not myself” “I’m lost” “I’m in a weird place” it’s so frustrating not because that’s how they feel but because they refuse to accept comfort or support 🥵
I am an Anxious. After 3 months of focusing on myself after the breakup, my dismissive ex tried to initiate some foreplay at work today. I walked away from it and she was embarrassed. Kind of awkward through out the day. I am trying to figure out whether it would work between us or not. You're the only person i found that speak positively about dismissives. Everyone else speak of them as difficult and i experienced that first hand over 1 and half years of us living together.
I know for sure that I am the only one educated myself about attachment styles since the break up. Would my newly acquired knowledge alone be enough to make a healthy relationship with her? I don't want to make myself vulnerable again to her unless she would put in much more effort than she did before.
Thais has an online school, where you have two live webinars a week and can ask her questions directly. I hugely recommend it. As to your question, from my perspective: do you feel compassion for her? Are you willing to communicate your needs clearly time and time again? And continue to provide a safe space for her? It might be too scary for her to work on herself, even if you share this content with her. She might even see it as a criticism. Personally i find that i am still in love with a dismissive avoidant woman, i care about her, and want to try again with all the knowledge I've gained from thais.
Again, I really recommend for you to consider joining Thais online school, and to work through your attachment style and hers. I honestly believe deep down all of us want to be loved.
Understanding your situations is beyond anything that the comments section of TH-cam can advise. It always depends. It's not really a da question, but a question of willingness and commitment etc. I certainly would want a partner to learn about any unhealthy relating style, whatever that might be. Yo don't say it, but my perception is that she needs to be convinced. If I had to convince someone...then I'd ask myself if they're either not owning something, or not prepared to deal with it.
I've just found this video. My partner left me a few weeks ago and I couldn't figure out what was going on.
She would never open up about her feelings and talk about what her fears are, insecurities, worries etc. She had a very abusive father and didn't receive the love she deserved as a child.
After years of our relationship, I had no idea that my words or tone of voice during conversations was hurting her. I'm not the best at explaining the context behind my words either. So I now know that I've hurt her, made her feel like I was going to abandon her, and made her not want to talk to me, even though I had asked for many months.
I wish we took the time to really talk about our feelings. She was my soulmate and I feel so ashamed that I caused her pain and didn't even realise. I'll never forgive myself for losing the most precious person I have ever known. I just wish I would have known during our relationship instead of her telling me things after she left and won't be coming back. 😪
So what is the difference between emotionally unavailable and a dismissive avoidant style? I feel like they're not exactly the same thing, but the overlap is greater than the differences. However, I also believe the other insecure styles are unavailable as well (anxious, fearful) because they don't show up in the relationship as their true or whole self... the anxious is acting on their fear of abandonment while the fearful is hiding themselves altogether and presenting a facade.
Now, if we accept the idea that all 3 of these styles are 'unavailable', it's a bit weird to me to read internet articles about how unhealthy these relationships are -- where one or both partners are unavailable. The advice given can be summarized as "run and never look back" or something. While your videos are different and present an in-depth understanding of the styles, and kinda has this "don't give up" undertone to it. I think this difference exists because you're coming from a more well-rounded perspective.
Of course, at the end of the day, each case is different. So, for example, I'm a fearful avoidant who just had a massive fight with a dismissive avoidant (I initiated, I got mad at something he did to me). But he's not _simply_ a dismissive avoidant the way you describe. He's also narcissistIC (I don't believe he's an actual narcissist) and generally an asshole if I'm being honest. At first I couldn't separate his bad behavior from his attachment style because I kept trying to neatly categorize all his traits into one box, but now I see just how many variables are involved in every dynamic, and that it's not simply the case where only attachment style matters in resolving issues. Sometimes, there are compatibility problems, sometimes people are on completely different pages, sometimes one partner is just an asshole (and it could be any of the attachment styles to be honest), etc. And those are legitimate reasons why it needs to end. Being able to detect this kind of nuance is what places one in a better position to decide.
How do you know if you should run from the relationship or give them a chance? Because I'm in a similar situation to you, I got in a fight with a dismissive avoidant and I really dont want to go back but hes trying to contact me more and be nice. I'm wondering if it's just a facade or not, i dont want to be an idiot and run back as soon as he says one nice word
No matter what, imo, if they're emotionally unavailable, let them be. They're either a narcissistic persona or they're recovering, and retreating into themselves to do some self-discovery and should be given time to do so or passed over so as not to interfere with their growth.
Emotionally unavailable is where they litrally have no time in their life for you at all. They may have too much work, just not time at all for you and your emotions.
DA they just dont open up and push u away on purpose
thank you..you are a blessing to don't know many thousands of people....
Ugh! All of a sudden these videos have been showing up in my recommendations. I thank you for sharing your knowledge/insight on this subject matter. But this can be VERY frustrating. My ex from 20 years ago went out of his way to find me and reconnect with me. Now I feel that he have withdrawn from me completely. Idk I feel as though the Holy Spirit is telling me that he suffers from this. But for me after everything that I have been through . I'm ready to leave it alone altogether. I already deleted his number from my phone. Anyway the only thing that I can keep doing is asking God for strength, and for direction on how I should proceed in Jesus name. Lord please help, guide, and strengthen me in Jesus name. Amen.
It’s the worst… I’m 36 and just learning how to take space in this world it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life…
Watched so many videos, they are so helpful, thank you. Reality is, i need to avoid avoiders, its too emotionally traumatizing.
I was in a relationship with what I believe is a dismissive fearful avoidant. Im a anxious style and I think we pushed each other's buttons. He avoided me after the honeymoon stage so I felt abandoned and hurt by that so I misunderstood. I didn't know about attachment styles. I wish I would have ...it would've saved us both from the painful experience.
I have the same story as yours. Affirmations while I sleep has helped me tremendously
Same here!!
Im going through this now.
This is my last story and through advice of a few, I'm on my third attempt and now I have enough information and I think.its s go! The pain over 2 years , feeling abandoned or not good enough I healed through some guided hypnosis. Meditations work too for us anxious types.thanks for sharing. Thais' worksheets are great. Find her videos with doing the work if you have not already.
You describe me to-a-t! This has been so helpful for me. I will be in touch. Thank you so much!!!!
I didn't know about dismissive avoidant. I am anxious mostly, but have avoidant personality disorder. I have been trying to pursue a dismissive avoidant for a couple years and have been confused about this extreme pattern of withdraw. Understand the need for avoidance because of shame though. I feel like I relate to the DA style though definitely am Anxious as well. I have just been so confused by this person's behaviors when it comes to bonding (or not). I don't know if the relationship will ever truly begin.
As a DA and trying to heal my childhood trauma but I find it really hard to be vulnerable. It’s like an automatic respond to close off when I start having emotions I can’t understand. And trying to express it just made others confused or judgemental. I don’t like being a DA, it sucks and it feels confusing
Exactly! I see some comments degrading us and talking shit. But they act like we WANT to be like this. Of course we don’t wanna have the shitty childhood trauma we have. Everyday is a battle and every relationship or situationship is a battle it’s just has hard on us as it is on the other partner!
@@zyerrastafford9266 all insecure attachment styles are rooted from childhood trauma. The difference is AP's overcompensate by trying to hard to hold onto love in the relationship. Therefore making it easier to change as we (recovered AP) will do anything for our partners. Even change. It does seem more difficult to heal from closing people off. I was an AP with a DA, I'm secure now, wondering if after 7yrs, if he's capable of changing too? He says he's trying yet he's still running 😭
Thank you for sharing, its good to hear a DAs point of view. This video might help th-cam.com/video/BhPFuNuCMQ8/w-d-xo.html. Good luck on your healing 🙏
@@gwendolynn7314 deep down we want to change and for him to be willing to even open about that is a huge sign! However we don’t change over night and we are talking about yearssss of trauma we are trying to un do 😭 so just give him time but don’t wait forever!
@@zyerrastafford9266 😢😊 thank you Zyerra, I needed that!! I pray you have a successful transition yourself ❤😊
I can't help it, but you eyes are sooo beautiful!!
This helped me understand my partner so well. I Subscribed.
I've been loving extremely supportive I helped him get sober almost 4 years ago we've been together off and on for almost 5 and that's because he can't commit, he does not give me the love that I give him after he got sober he started working a second full-time job which I thought was okay he needed that to stay sober but that's not the case he chooses work over me when he's not working like yesterday holiday oh I don't feel well I have severe depression and anxiety, I loved him I gave him all I possibly could but when is it his turn to give to me I just can't with him anymore I deserve better I gave him so many chances but enough is enough
Encouragement & support & consistently positively validating their emotions & expression of their emotions
Nurture & feed their emotions & expression
Ugh 😣 so I am an INTP fearful/anxious to was engaged to a lovely woman but I’m certain that she is a Dismissive/avoidant we had a wonderful start to our 3 years together but in the last 6 months of the relationship (this ended only 10 weeks ago) we where both closed to each other… she always had a content to her that I struggled to get from her. I have an idea what it all is but I couldn’t find the way/words to get her to express it..
I’m sad that I hadn’t found you channel sooner as it may have gone some way to saved our relationship.
Is there a way to see an example of a healthy conversation when conflict does come up? My husband is a dismissive avoidant and I’m a fearful avoidant and I am unclear on how to have these conversations when he refuses to express any emotion and I desperately need to express and feel emotion. Could you maybe one day do a mock example of how conversations can happen in a healthy way?
Good idea 👌
I was raised in a toxic dysfunctional family dynamic and unhealthy communication was imprinted on me since birth. Effective verbal communication is such an essential and invaluable skill that I would really appreciate learning ✌💖 TY for sharing
My DA and i would have a misunderatanding..basically him not hearing me when i was expressing myself and id cry and complain later. I said lets tey to have that convo again but see if we can go about it a different way. Yeah..that worked. Lol. Anything he agrees to he soon forgets and im like..but you said... Its very difficult sometimes..usually once a month. Over the holidays, twice in one week. :0/
@@casperinsight3524 I was abused as a kid and didnt have a voice..35 years later im still not able to express myself at first go. Its only after about 15 to 30 minutes later i get my nerve up. Very frustrating not putting myself out there..and then he has to hear me and follow through.
Thank you so much for your videos. They've been so helpful. Now I unfortunately may be asking for the impossible . Would it be possible to help a dismissive avoidant recognize that they need help?
Its a matter if they want help. Mine says hes happy not to work on himself at his age of 64. So its take it or leave it. He has adapted to me, FA and my expressiveness but will say..Accept me as i am. Hes happy as himself.
Been watching a lot of videos they seem very insightful. And it's amazing that I haven't heard of this before. I think it'd be interesting to see a video on two dismissive avoidants getting together. What would that relationship Dynamic look like?
I just didn't know about this when I was with him. I got to know about attachment styles after I broke up with him. So no chances to even improve the situation.
Thank you so much for your videos. It provides so much understanding and comfort. Do you provide private consultations? I’d really like to discuss more with you. My partner is a dismissive avoidant but the first step I guess is for them to realise/acknowledge. How they come to realise/acknowledge?
My wife is an avoidant. Very manipulative and very cold. I hate being married to her. All attempts to communicate are met with sabotage on her end. All attempts to be open and closer are met with her pushing me away. She has abandoned me so much in our marriage and I feel like I'm not even in a real relationship. I'm just a moneybag and a doll to fit in her dollhouse. Avoidants are literally the worst. I should have dumped her st the first sign.
Good to know how to enable a DA as a FA. Excellent insightful information.
Thank you so much foe this video. It brougt me to tears.
curious if you've heard of dismissive avoidants who were not neglected but had their space invaded upon and boundaries pushed by a parent which resulted in this attachment style?
Love you 💜💗 love your experience , time , compassion and empathy ! Thank You 😊🙏🏾💜
Answer at 6:20!
Thank you. Hopefully now a friendship can be saved!
Emotional neglect from what? My ex's parents don't talk they haven't been together for years. But he would stone wall me for suggesting that this may have had an impact on him in anyway... He'd actually say "don't talk about my family" or if I tried to figure out why it didn't work out with his ex he'd say "don't talk about my ex" i tried every tactic people usually find it very easy to open up to me... I very often hear "I can't believe I'm telling you this" can't believe someone got to be in his 40s completely avoiding his emotions...
It's probably because he's blocking out those experiences. You trying to get him to open him might be triggering him to remember those uncomfortable situations hence why he doesn't wanna talk about them.
People who are Dismissive Avoidant often have used the Grey Rock Method through their entire childhood.
Wow
Very powerful insight, thank you!
😥
True
Oh damn I am this way with my family. I was always cold when I was home or shutdown. Being around them always made me uncomfortable and angry so I had to cope that way. It sucks being in constant defense. It wears away at you. In friendships I'm pretty open and warm.
But then in romantic relationships I start to feel that anger and resentment stir in me and I pull out the grey rock method unconsciously. My ex told me how I never really talked about my day. I would just say how it was boring. Thats definitely the defense mechanism I used on my parents so I wouldn't have to deal with them as if they cared about my day anyway.
I had to laugh comparing taking $5 when in bank account is $7 vs taking $5 when $5000 (or what she said) in bank account.
I really like your videos ! Thank you very much for your humanism.
Let them grow for how long? I began to push my DA for more- it’s been two years since our initial break. He told me to move on.
So i think my partner is DA, sometimes i feel he’s covert narc because he does things he know hurts me, if i speak up about it and he says im attacking him. So literally anything except words of praise he will shut down and go avoidant. Dismissive is his first name btw. But he was never like that in our 8 years of friendship prior to dating him. We are in our late 30s. And I find myself continually confused by his words vs his actions. Idk what to do. I want to leave, yet the thought of throwing the friendship away with the relationship really hurts. He was the one I would always talk to about personal things. Now I just feel lost.
I think I’m going to have to leave him, I give him so much space if I were to give anymore I may as well end it :/.
How do you navigate what type of personality you’re dealing with 😢
It's the commitment part that makes them change up. You go from being a choice to an obligation especially if you marry him like I did .
It's amazing what I learn from others about something I'm working on. Others have ideas I've never thought of even though I'm the one with the time invested building the prototype! Just by asking others's their thoughts they make "my" project become "ours".
My problem is the amount of patience needed for them to come around. While showing up for them my own needs are being unmet. The secrets and distrust, the misunderstandings. My person despite all that has been done and said to show how much I care was still recently able to say no one cares about him. It leaves me feeling like what the hell have I been doing all this time if none of it has made a difference. Yet when I give up and start to go toward accepting I must not be his person he holds on to me for dear life still giving nothing in return.
I know this is an old video but to me DA is similar to borderline personality disorder in that you develop coping mechanisms as a child to deal with inconsistent caregivers, abuse, chaotic environment etc... but in adulthood those coping mechanisms don't translate. You no longer need them to survive. They are no longer needed. I have BPD and there is a "cure". It just takes extensive therapy. Most people won't don't seek the help in their lifetime. Also, most people aren't self aware so they don't realize what they do or that they need to seek therapy.
Your work is tremendous
we do seem like the dying plant, we usually feel like we have been dying for so many years..... and we have a hard time dealing with people in general because it takes a long time to trust. we started out trusting too readily and hopefully... and too much, and then boom. a few of those, then yup DA is the medicine.
What if they ghost you after the smallest argument that they started over feeling (mistakenly) rejected... ? When all was amazing beforehand..
They will continue ghosting believe me. Without proper therapie they cannot heal. Safe yourself!
Im secure but 10 months in something needs to be said. Its like walking a minefield though, im starting to think if this is worth it.
Why don’t you have 200k followers?!!
She's still a bit new to u tube, but keep sharing her.
When trying to communicate with my DA, he immediately retaliates and throws tantrums. This is every time a conversation is needed to be had. He throws a bomb in it! 😢 it’s so hurtful and confusing 😢
My partner has been saying 1-2 word responses stopped saying goodmorning goodnight, stopped putting effort into plan stuff his really checked out and just won't budge .... Among constant criticism of me
It's hard because it sabotages us and he just won't budge. I took space for a few days and it's just like pulling teeth, maybe his trust is hurt ... But I mean it's like I also just wish he could see things from my side.
Last night he says I had a rough day.... Then I just said
Here if you want to talk about it xo.
He responded driving......
Then after an hour I just said Night Babe take care, hope things get better.
He didn't respond and nothing still this morning 🤷🏻♀️.... Just we are drifting apart and it feels like he is no longer interested and I'm like always alone these days...
How do I get out of this rut with him.
My husband is a dismissive avoidant and he just told me he had a 2 yr affair … I was shocked and devastated … could this condition leave them vulnerable to seeking external validation outside the marriage ??? He was abandoned by his father as a child and his mother was so cold and negligent … he is now in therapy but I am so gutted … he is such a good man but I’m struggling with his bad behaviour 😟😟😟
I really hurt her. My avoidant crush. I feel like she's more closed off than ever because of me. There was so much trust, but I burned that bridge to the ground, maybe even because of a misunderstanding. Maybe she even hates me, but I want to make things right. Sure, she might not give an answer I want to hear, but even still. I want her to have a great rest of her life. It doesn’t have to be with be
You a awesome !!! U r really changing lifes!!!
Thank you!! Very helpful as always!
The problem is when I try digging deeper about what's actually going on with what he's feeling, he gets defensive and at times angry because he told me before he doesn't want to bring up negative feelings, in turn I respect it cause I don't want to make things worse. So I just ask how he's doing and that's about it, if I feel like I wanna show my support somehow I might add something more but still trying not to inquire, just being sweet let's say. How can I approach this?
I share way more than my DA does. He lives his own emotional life away from me and doesnt share it. He just wont talk about things that dont involve me. I dont try anymore besides things in daily life or involve me. He doesnt ask me follow up questions which is weird and awkward so im trying to say more and not wait on him. Its frustrating. After 17 months he just told me about his parents wedding anniversary. I was very surprised but i didnt ask more. Shrugs
If I say that stuff at the end she will just say ‘nah’ 😂
Thanks for this! Really helpful.
LOVE THIS!!!!! Thank you!