I Have Money, But My Family Is Broke (Should I Help Them?)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 เม.ย. 2024
- I Have Money, But My Family Is Broke (Should I Help Them?)
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Filipino families are notorious for this. They expect one person to make it in life and freeload off of them
That's in all nationalities not just "Filipinos."
My wife is a Filipina we live in the ph and there were many instances we were lied to and taken advantage of. We cut them off years ago she has a large family some hate us and some act as if nothing happened and still visit and get together on holidays.
@@mmp495pls dobt be sensitive. Am from Baguio, Philippines and the same is not our style BUT, i know relatives who or whose children married in the lowlands and the families of the in-laws expect financial support. In the end, eventually, at least 3 separated from their spouses because it became too much
They will also try to destroy you in the workplace if they think you are standing in the way of them getting more money.
You love them by setting boundaries and not enabling them… 💥
@Cowgirlkate 👍
Amen! ❤
What does enabling them mean?
@@firefly9838 To not find a way themselves to pay for their own expenses, but to enable them to continue being beggars by giving them money every time they ask for it.
@@firefly9838supporting bad habits, lifestyle, or decisions. Like giving an alcoholic a beer or making excuses for their behavior.
My husband said years ago to his family, the national Bank of Joe is closed. They constantly leaned on him for money. It was very freeing for him.
Good for him!
Did they still care about him for who he was after he put those boundaries down?
@@GameChanger597 believe it or not he had great relationships with the family after he put his foot down. Nobody was hostile about it. They knew he meant it.
@@sandy99922 Well, that's a great outcome.
@@sandy99922 they obviously also knew it was fair...
Some of my family members are like this. Some of us in the family have broken the cycle and worked for everything we have. For those that haven’t, they are so jealous to the point where they make up rumors and lies to make us successful ones look bad. I can’t stand them and rarely talk to them anymore. I can’t take the negativity and don’t deserve how they treat me.
Exactly this.
This!!!
I’m sorry. Stay strong, keep those boundaries in place 💪❤
Yup, my broke brother calls me a s|_u+ to corporations because I’m doing well and he’s living in our mom’s basement
God bless you. Stand your ground . I highly recommend you maintain social distance from your family . No Christmas dinner, no birthday party, no babysitting by the relatives. I understand your deep desire to have a normal relationship with your blood relatives, to be accepted, wanted, valued, loved. Affirmation is sweet! What your family has to offer you is bitter. You stand tall as a man of God who takes care of his precious wife and children. Never put them second.
My mother raised all of us with the phrase"The only reason you will amount to nothing is because of your own sheer damn laziness. Get off your ass and create your own wealth"!. All 5 of us are walking success stories. Thanks mum!
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
in my case it was witchcraft.
I did all of that, and burned out due to autism and mental illnesses. I’m a failure story despite hard work.
@WalrusesAreTheOne You are not a failure. You may have taken the phrase "literally" without pausing to self-nurture. Only you know your limits. Forgetting yourself in the process will lead to physical and mental exhaustion. A few minutes Ute's a day to listen to music. Soak in a bath or watch a comedy show is not going to distract you from your goal but, allow you to "recharge" and not work like a programmed robot.
@@WalrusesAreTheOne Despite what these entertainment shows would have their fans believe - people are not all the same.
You're not a failure just because you don't meet somebody else's standards. They probably don't meet yours either.
Bro's 24, have a wife, two kids one on the way. Escaped poverty and be quite weathy. Me at 23 in the last year of college be like a broke geek. What a life
Hey man, just a matter of different trajectories, nothing more. You’re time will soon come and congratulations on graduating! That’s a big accomplishment!
When we started to increase our finances significantly and we were comfortable we started helping family , we gave them jobs , gifts , money etc Then things changed they saw us as cash cows . We were invited to eat and expected to pay the bill, no shows at work, always borrowing money with no payback , always taking taking taking . The respect went out the window and we set boundaries and guess what the relationships were damaged and now we are the villains which we are okay with , you can’t help everybody you can’t help people who have no desire to help themselves. .
You were the villains? No, but they are the leeches!
I don’t employ family did it one time never again I give money only in emergencies and birthdays and I don’t mind paying for dinner but I only do dinner once or twice a year.
Much respect, I love people who stand up for themselves. Too many people out there willing to take advantage of good people.
No. As Dave would say, that's a complete sentence. You owe no explanation or justification. No.
Selfish.
Selfish isn’t always a bad thing especially when the boundaries are set and healthy
@@miketheyunggod2534he doesn’t owe anyone anything. Not his job AT ALL.
@@miketheyunggod2534 Enabling bad behavior and poor decisions is hurting people, not helping them. Frequently saying "no" is the best way to love someone.
@@miketheyunggod2534it’s selfish to be a bum and expect handouts
They go through their money and now want to go through yours.
Literally! Leeches!
That is a great summarization of this type of relationship.
Yes very well said!
Yes! Using emotional blackmail....."we are family". Always a one way street.
@@littleme3597 How about “we’re family and you shouldn’t use me!”It never goes that way.🙄
Teaching them how to fish is better than giving them the fish each time they want it. If they reject the fishing lessons, they are not hungry enough.
I would rather someone teach me how to fish. And I would want to teach someone else too. But not everyone has the heart and patience to teach.
@maam-yj8ph True, and not everyone has the patience and/or desire to learn. They would rather be rewarded for laziness and false entitlement. If you are able-bodied but don't work, you don't eat.
Wesley you need to say, "The National Bank of Wesley is permanently closed" In addition, your personal finances are no business of anyone else. Other than you, your wife and your children NO ONE should ever know your finances or be asking you for money.
1. Don’t ever tell friends or family how much money you make.
2. Don’t enable their bad behavior by constantly bailing them out. Once, maybe twice. Any more than that and you’re hurting more than helping.
I'm a big believer in "you can't save the world." My heart goes out to people, and I will provide any moral support I can. But I will not sacrifice my own quality of life to pay someone else's bills plus mine.
Agreed this is why it’s pointless to donate to charity, better to just do a prayer for them
Pray the lord sends someone else 😅
@@KnicksNYanks84 charities are a joke, they're just a form of tax evasion. It'd be better if you could help someone directly, by buying them groceries (not giving them money), or giving them the tools to get a job or be entrepreneurs. But yeah, I agree, you gotta put yourself first and build your own comfort before even thinking about helping others.
Dealing with the same. Married with 2 children. When I had advanced cancer. Nobody even called me to show support. I had chemo during covid. But the family repeatedly ask for $. Most recently my husband paid of his sister credit card debts without my knowledge. She returned again to get funds to take her son on a spring break. I refused. We are supporting my husband's father. I understand he loves his dad. But made it clear we will not support his siblings. After I refused to give her more $. She called me every word possible. Some I have never even heard. English is my 2nd language.
Sending you hugs 🤗
@@blessed_one_Thank you. My husband is the only one successful financially from sibling of 4. I don't understand why he feels so guilty. And can't say NO. I understand he loves his father. His parents were providing for the kids. I understand he wants to provide back. But his siblings. That's a big NO.
Siblings and their offspring is where I woul draw the line too. Parents just give them enough so they can have a decent life, that's enough. Although decent is relative, decent by your standards,morals and wallet.
Agree. We don't have unlimited funds. We still have a house mortgage.
Financial infidelity
The second he said he made all that money working for a TH-camr… even more so than a typical corporate job, my friend needs to SAVE! All that money he’s spending enabling his family… save it. We have seen so many TH-camrs fall and not make the same money they used to. In his line of work he needs to be saving for the future, not funding his family who uses him as a cash cow. One day he might not have this income anymore so it’s a good idea to be smart with the money he has now, especially with kids.
This is literally what I am going through, right now. I just got married, and my mom and sister are constantly asking for money. And every interaction is "hey son I need xxxx amout," and its literally the only time I ever hear from them is when they want money. I'm not rich or making 500k a year. But i make way more than they'll ever see bc they can't manage money for crap. I just recently told them, I just got married, I don't have the funds to give like I did when I was single. Haven't heard from them since. Which is showing me exactly what our relationship has devolved into. Purely transactional
Whether you have lots of money or not, when you help another even family you must determine am I helping them OR enabling them.
I am all for helping someone, but I will not enable someone!!
You also can't get an adult to stop drinking or taking drugs. They have to want to themselves, for themselves.
Lately i got interested in financial market but have no idea on how to go about it. How does it work please..
As a beginner, it's essential for you to have a mentor that is verified by finra and SEC to keep you accountable. I'm guided by a widely known crypto consultant Stacey Macken
Wow, I'm supprised Stacey Macken is being mention here. I started off with 5K.... Now with massive portfolio highly recommended...
I'm proudly a beneficiary 💯 Thanks to my co-worker (John) who suggested Ms Stacey Macken..
I met Stacey Macken at a conference in 2018 and we have been working together ever since.
Though I started with as low as $13,000 actually because it was my first time and it was successful, She's is a great personality in the state
Grew up exactly like this. Your family will never value your worth. They will continually ask for money but will never appreciate you for what you give or why you gave it to them.
I have a feeling this caller has been telling/flexing to his broke family about how much he’s earning too. NEVER discuss your finances with family.
@baysideharpy8350 👍
don't mix friendship and business, and family and business , and friendship and money ,family and money, and friendship and medicine, and family and medicine
My husband's family was always borrowing from him. He had to bail them all out of jail and pay their rent. One day, he had enough. He put me through law school and now it's so much worse. We've gotten to the point that we give them nothing and they don't speak to us. It's like two different worlds.
For them to stop speaking to him once he stopped giving them money goes to show the love they had been giving was always conditional. That type of love feels awful. He did the right thing prioritizing you. That’s what happens once you get married and his family needs to accept that.
@@michellec3349 I said “borrowing,” better word would be “stealing.”
@@michellec3349Thanks! I needed to see this! I haven’t spoken to mine for years! For the same reasons!❤
There is saying “ Never loan friends or family money”, they will see it as a gift and never pay you back!
Omg I understand his frustration. My family is the same pretty much. I wasn't invested in as a kid/teen, received no life guidance or emotional support , but everyone has their hand out. They wont do the things that I do to better myself but want the reward of consistency and self improvement.
I totally understand what this man is going through. I (f) had a great career and am now retired. I have done everything from paying my sister’s rent for 3 months to helping my nephew (down payment) purchase a new car. Before my parents passed away I sent money every month. You don’t want to see your family struggling but at some point you have to cut them all off but it’s hard because you love them and you always feel guilty. 🤦🏽♀️
You did your best ❤
That’s true but it’s not your fault people didn’t take financial responsibility for themselves. NOT YOUR FAULT. ❤️
I'm going to pray for you that you work on the guilt. You need to stop feeling guilty. You need to feel no guilt at all. This is important, because it can affect your health. I'm going to start my prayer now and I hope you will pray for yourself.
@@Chris.357 “I’m going to pray for you.” Words said to a stranger by a stranger. No greater expression of love and compassion than that. God bless you ❤️🙏
@@thabsmkhize2481
Thank you. We should encourage each other and it appears that you and I are doing that.
So I'm going to pray that you have a wonderful week!
Unreal.. they can get their asses out there and work for their own money. I also have freeloader "family", every time we went out anywhere they never reached for their wallets, they just expected me to pay. And if I asked if anyone wanted to leave the tip they'd look at each other blankly and shrug at me: silence. So done with them. That selfishness, immaturity & lack of contribution applies to countless other scenarios.
A statement that truly helped me as a people pleaser, always wanting to help others even at my expense, is: the absence of a positive is not a negative. You are NOT harming someone by not giving them something; or even by taking away help you originally gave them such as money loans. The absence of a positive IS NOT a negative!!!
My friend is like this guy. 30 yrs of knowing her. She FINALLY cut them off.
Sometimes people don’t appreciate what they don’t work for and taking money from you just becomes expected. You’re not even a person anymore, just an ATM.
Remember when people ask for help, they’re thinking of themselves, not you.
I have a friend who's come to me for money a few times, claiming her sister and mother won't help her or her partner with their 2 girls and all she needed it for was a bit of rent and food. Truthfully, I have a bleeding heart and helped mainly because of the girls. A few days later, I saw her partner posting himself on snap "spitting bars" shaking two gold chains around his neck. The fact is, if they were really that put out, he'd sell those stupid chains and get a real job instead of one that calls only when they need him. Also stupidly gave money to my drug addicted cousin in my early 20s because I was convinced she'd get better some day as long as I helped her. My mom said long ago "If you give someone money, don't expect it back. Just hope you'll get it back." I should have taken that advice to heart.
Chances are your friend has exhausted all of her options. Her family and sister probably already helped and cut her off 😢
@@sarahp8937 This crossed my mind as well after the 3rd time she asked, when I kindly requested the first time she not ask me again because I had a class I was paying for soon. I still obliged the next two times before I realized I had to forcefully draw a boundary after seeing her partner flexing on snap.
Don't give or loan money to friends or family. If u give anything, make it a GIFT. And don't have any expectations abt how it's spent, either. Hard terms to live by. But it certainly keeps everything crystal clear.
It took me decades to finally say NO!! They will eventually stop asking after they get over being mad and telling you off for ruining there lives.
The caller seemed like a nice guy. He was either bring really naive or didn't know that very very few people make $500K annually. It is probably the former, but that is a boat load of $. I personally do not know anyone who makes that sort of wage.
I don't like when people feel entitled, especially family members.
It's shameful of his father to ask. Period! I want nothing but success for my adult kids, and I want them to spend every penny they earn building a better life for themselves. They don't owe me a single thing! I committed my life and resources to raising them because they are the most important thing in the world to me!!
Im the same, i would hate for them to feel i was feeloading, they are very very good to me and my oldest daughter stayed with me when i had my knees replaced, it was just fab having her with me,made a difficult painful experience terrific
There it is, the false guilt vs resentment
Dont explain yourself to them, just do what you want to do.
YES. No jabbering on... They don't care. Don't give them Ammo. No means NO. "House Policy has changed"
Unfortunately, the cat is out of the bag because he overshared his financial success.
@@JustinCase780 👍
I have a friend who is always destitute. But I've noticed if she ever comes into a bit moe money, it is just spent more freely on cigarettes and alcohol.
Sounds like someone I know
I agree that you do need to focus on your own little family unit now. And you need to save for the kids and your future.
He’s actually not a millennial he’s Gen Z. And good for him, so young and doing so well.
Great guest. You really do make a difference Dr John. I hope you always remember that.
Dave once said he'd rather eat the dirt in his yard than ask his kids for money. i agree.
My parents couldn’t say no to my mom’s parents. They supported them for 40 years. I didn’t know to what extent until my adult years. They have since passed and now my brother and I are (backing them up) in saying NO against the siblings coming in and manipulating for money. The things narcissists do to a family member who isn’t doing what they want are heartbreaking.
My family has always done me wrong especially my parents. They have money and never help me and all I've ever tried to do was the right thing. We need money management and credit taught in school from 9th-12th.
Same here. I got screwed on the FAFSA because my parents are loaded and wouldn't help me either.
I didn't need my parent's help. I got into college twice on my own. Currently finishing my Psych degree. And I'm actually in the poor bracket. So no, you can do just fine without their help.
They want you to earn your own money. I'm betting they got rich on their own merit and want the same for you.
It only takes one generation to lose that money, so they're doing the right thing making you do your own work. But I agree that they need to improve the financial classes. We had a course in my high school where we learned about financial responsibility. I also graduated in 2007. So they might have done away with it like they did with cursive.
@@kristinaolson77 After a year of self-support, you can claim independence & base financial aid only on your resources...
Similar situation. First, "loaned" money. Of course, no payback (didn't expect it). Second, I'll pay you in advance in exchange for a service. Service never completed which was a bit of a shock. Third, offered to pay for a service as the service was completed. My sibling thought I was inconsiderate and mean putting such harsh restrictions on my money. Was told, "Then I guess it's your fault my children will go hungry tonight."
To which I responded, "I didn't impregnate any of your wives and I'm definitely not responsible for feeding them." Needless to say, we aren't close. I'm perfectly fine with that.
My success provides me an opportunity to help you as I so choose. It's not an opportunity for you to take advantage of me.
This happened with my nephews. I felt like I was a walking ATM machine, particularly with one nephew and his wife.. I never felt comfortable around them and I put up with this for years...spent my tens on thousands on them. When my brother died the feud over his estate was so bad, I had to cut them off for good and went radio silent. Broke my heart.
Help because you want to not because you feel obligated. If the loss of money doesn't hurt you, help. If they're grateful, help. If they feel entitled, don't.
It’s hard when your family is literally in a make or break situation. It feels selfish when you know you CAN help but choose not to. In the same situation.
Congratulations to this young man for his success at such a young age. I'm 51 years old and it's taken me the majority of my life to reach the point I'm at now where I finally have some breathing room financially, own a townhome, and have a car. I have a job that pays well and work with a great group of people. I don't have any complaints and am blessed to be where I'm at in my life.
I needed this. Been taking care of a family, who doesn’t even want me because I was born from a different dad, who also doesn’t want me. Atp, I feel like I’m trying to buy my position in the family and love. ❤😢
You can never buy love.
@ll2323 That's so sad. But once you realize that you can't buy their love, and that they are only using you for what you can give to them, then maybe you'll see it's not the right path to be going down.
@@RichardLeo-mf3zb 👍
@@RichardLeo-mf3zb agreed but once I turn away, I’ll have no one.
@@ll2323 If they are only using you for what you can give them, then you don't really have them anyway. (That's the truth).
Wow this is my exact same situation. Never found a video so relatable.
Came from humble beginnings and with no direction.
I took it upon myself to read books and teach myself financial literacy.
I worked for everything I have but sometimes I have guilt with my success because my family still struggles.
However I tried for many years to get them to help themselves. I finally distanced myself and maintained a boundary to not give out money anymore.
It sucks but it’s freeing.
My best friend of many years very recently passed away of a long illness. He came from a (and there is no good way to phrase this) a white trash family from Kentucky. Almost all of them have a police record, and very few of them have ever held steady jobs. He did reasonably well financially in his life, and they were a constant drain on him for many years - and he never learned to say no. Even on his deathbed days away from dying, they were calling him on his phone asking for things and he was giving it to them.
You really do have to set up boundaries and stick to them. Even if it means discontinuing communication with some people, or moving far away, or both. It hurts to think that your own family only sees you as a bank account, but unfortunately it does happen. Don’t let them pull you down to their level if you are fortunate enough to break away from the family curse yourself.
'you got to choose guilt over resentment" damn....i feel like I've been trying to find this answer in my life for ages and I've finally found it. Thank you ❤
As a family member, make it now that you are not responsible for their irresponsibility
In this world there are givers and there are takers. The givers have to set boundaries because the takers dont have any.
@MandyMarg You are exactly right!
Dealing with similar: but i am a single mother, and my mother who went from man to man after her divorce to my father to pay bills, is very upset that I don't financially support her. Mind you, when she had these men in her life, she had to make them top priority over her 2 kids to get those bill paid.
We had this situation with my husband’s brother. He was careening from one emergency to the next, always asking for money, then he lost his paid-for house (no explanation, but probably got a second mortgage and didn’t pay it). He wanted money but refused to answer any questions about this situation. We said no. We did buy him a computer and a bicycle, and he got a rent subsidized apartment. Then he was kicked out because his behavior and hygiene were so bad (he defecated in the lobby). Still refused to provide any explanation. Then he died, apparently suicide.
We never did get answers, but he was probably on drugs (this predates the current opioid epidemic ). I don’t think it would have helped if we’d funded him, it may have made things worse. Some people are just too far gone. It’s all very sad.
Some of my family will ask for money.
If the tide was turned,I know they wouldn’t even think of me.
This is one of the hardest realities of these situations not just the $. I lived with a sibling for 5 years. Their family of 4 on the upper two floors and me in the basement. I was 1/3 the area and 1/4 the people yet we split bills in half. I knew in my heart that if the situation were reversed my sibling would have immediately decried the “unfairness.” I also spent 30 years lending them money which was never paid back. I was a fool and like these other comments made to feel guilty because i stayed in school, got a good job, managed my money and paid back every f…ing cent I borrowed from a bank for a mortgage or car.
A few years ago one day I had 13 friends and relatives all asked me for money. That was the day I quit lending money or giving money or helping anyone out. Since than I ignored every sob story and request for money.
Bro is 24, married, soon to be 3 kids, making half a million dollars and I turn 24 next month, single, living with my parents, graduating from grad school. Hopefully I can be making a quarter of that in the next coming years 😭 props to you bro
I could never imagine having the gaul to ask my kids for money. Aren’t you embarrassed?
My moms had no issue with it. 🙄 she should be embarrassed but she’s not.
It’s nothing to be ashamed about if a parent needs financial help from their adult children. If you are in need, then you are in need. The issue is when people make it a habit and don’t change their situation.
@@MrMadalien your story sounds exactly like mine. I did this sorta crap until I moved out and got married at 24. That was 10 years ago, but if I were to do it all over again I would seek help from a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist because not only do you need a safe place to express your rage, but you need realistic tools on how to deal with this. The type of guilt you feel is probably etched in your soul therefore you will need extra help in this area. All the best to you, I really hope you can find some clarity with this. 💜
I only help if they are putting an effort in. Like a cousin finished most of his degree, but unable to fund the last semister. Or a family is building a home they are mostly done, but need a bit more to finish. Also if you need big amounts, I am only borrowing the money to you.
Never drip feed anyone money. Because they take your generosity and think it's their right now. And if you stop, they hate you more.
John I learned something about this from a multi millionaire when I was his assistant. Sweet Jewish man felt the same so he set up a boundary. He believed in honoring his Mother and Mother in law therefore he had his accountant send each a check every month for ever. He told them that was it - if that got into trouble do not come to him. Learn to live with it. He never wanted to see the check nor hear a word about money. It worked. I do believe in helping people but with boundaries. ❤
"You have to put a limit on how much you give because takers never put a limit on how much they take." -Shannon Sharpe
It surprises me how many people would take money from their kids to give to people who don’t listen tip them. Giving money to mishaving family is not too different than stealing money from your wife and kids
Great Great conversation
Great job, Dr. John. Love your show.
Years ago I knew someone in ministry. “Doug” was divorced. Undisciplined. Blamed authority and women for everything. His mentally handicapped 20 year old son liked trains. Doug was always broke so he made his son give him gas money so they could drive around town chasing trains! Some people are always takers.
Just gotta pretend you don’t have it then see where you stand with them . Reciprocation is very important. Even with just love !
In my case, I helped but strictly with food and some of the medical bills. They have to work to get their housing covered.
What a great guest. I’m the same age in an almost parallel situation.
My dad, who has been pretty absent in my life since I was 8, reached out to me last year asking for money. He has just started a new job and needed money to buy clothes. I was in a good position financially, and as someone who has longed to have a good relationship with her father, I helped. Little did I know this would start that “slow drip.” I feel like even though I set boundaries, he still comes around and asks. I’m a medical student now and live off of student loans. No matter how many times I tell him that I’m no longer in a place to help, he still asks. Not only that, but he uses my handicapped step mother and autistic half sister to try and pull at my heart strings and get me to help. It’s been a struggle over the last year and I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this. The reassurance that I’m not a disgraced daughter or bad person for not helping out my father was much needed.
I really needed to hear this one. Thank you John and team for doing what you do. Your episodes are healing to many listeners.
@madelainepaige 👍 You have learned, just like I had to learn, and many others are now learning about this type of thing happening to them and how to stop it.
My husband and I have run into this. Borrowed money had to have the attitude that we would be happy if we saw it get paid back but don't count on it. But we felt bad about flat out saying no so with one particular person we started buying something from them at an advantage to them. We were able to help them, but it wasn't borrowing and never seeing anything for it. It also created a consequence to constantly asking for money because you can't figure out how to keep a job by continuing to show up even when you don't feel like it. Eventually they didn't have anything of value that they were willing to sell and quit asking for money/treating us like an ATM and only asked when it was truly a necessity.
I needed to listen to this
You can say.....I don't have extra money this week, and next week doesn't look good either.
Your current family is your immediate family now. Not the one you came from. Your wife is being put under a lot of stress because of this and she may not say everything she wants to. You are making your innocent wife and kids pay a price so you don’t have to stand up to your relatives. They did this, not her, not your kids. One day, if you don’t get this in check, if you don’t put your wife and kids first, she will leave and take them with her. You will be paying alimony and all you’ll have is your relatives showing up because you’re alone and vulnerable. Stop rewarding bad behaviour. I’ve seen good marriages break up over this. Don’t be wishy-washy. You can’t have it both ways. And stop day-trading! That just takes time away from your family and more stable income sources.
you can't have it both ways
I hate becoming somebody else ATM.
You’re absolutely right,
Man people don’t owe anyone nothing!!!!!!! That go for family,friends and I will never feel guilty cause I worked hard and earned my good life. He better set boundaries asap!
That's why Dr J ur not getting back to me. I respect it.
I definitely need boundaries with my family! I am feeling so resentful right now!!!
You can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries when you don’t place them or honor them to begin with. You have to set the boundary, then keep it.
Dr. John is absolutely right. I grew up middle class and when I was in my twenties I was doing very well. I have 2 sisters and I have bought them all new furniture and appliances (fridge, washer and dryer). So when I was ready to buy my first house I bought in an upper middle class neighborhood. My oldest sister came over to see my house for the first time and insisted that I should buy her and my other sister new houses. We’ve never patched things up after I put my foot down. I did buy the middle sister a car but she said that I got her a Ford because I am cheap. Never again.
I needed this video
Practice saying no... When someone asks you for something, say let me think about it...no.
@pearlbubbles6885 👍
I agree with everything you said man
I need to have this conversation with my family as well. 😭😭😭😭
This is a tough one. My parents are well off so theyve never needed money from their kids but I have siblings that struggle and they have. My sister in particular needed my father to co sign for a house as well as borrow the down payment which shes probably never going to pay back. I see both sides of the coin.
Wesley should be very proud of himself. Don't let them lay guilt trips on you. I just recently offered my brother $18,000 tax free with no strings attached. Just a gift to do whatever he wants to do with it. Why did I do it? Because he was getting divorced and I thought it might help him in some way and take some of the stress off. He told me he wouldn't take a gift, but he would take a loan and he would pay it back. I told him I don't loan people money. Take it as a gift free and clear or not at all. He chose no gift. We talked about maybe he wasn't taking the money because the divorce wasn't finalized and it could cause complications. So I told him well, maybe he'll take the money after the divorce is final. I told him his name was on it anytime he wanted it. And I'm going to leave it at that.
Why did you offer an adult male $18K? What for?
@@og6433 I answered that question. Look at my answer after "Why did I do it?".
It is disrespectful of you to not allow him the dignity of paying you back. Seems like your ego got in the way of sound relationship judgement.
@@og6433because sometimes people need that help
@@createone100 I was not being disrespectful. Many years ago, my other brother asked for a large loan to make 2 mortgage payments. It was a lot of money to me at that time and he never paid me back. I stopped loaning anyone money after that experience. If my brother felt disrespected about my gift, well that is his problem. I thought he was stupid for not accepting the gift if you want to know the truth. But I didn't tell him that. I just left the offer on the table.
He got saved ❤
You don’t owe them an explanation. I can’t afford it anymore. Then, you give as you want, no more. We have had these issues, been there, still there. Only give what you want to give.
Please, Wesley, let your messed up family go their own way. You love them much more than they are ever going to love you until THEY change. You must accept that they may never change. Their choice. Not yours! It’s not within your power to change anyone but yourself. Now, face up to your true responsibilities, and those responsibilities are to take care of your wife and your children. Your parents and your extended family are going to choose themselves, every time. They will take advantage of you if you permit it. That, young man, is YOUR choice.
John makes a very important point: it's okay for him to give, but it needs a clearly defined limit and boundary (he gave an example of filling up their gas tank when they come to visit). Don't feel guilty about it beyond the limit.
I agree with John about the longevity of the career. We don't know what tomorrow will bring so please make sure your wife and kids are taken care of FIRST!
Been there. Don't buy love.
There is nothing wrong with sharing your resources with your parents, in my opinion, as long as you have sufficient funds (that this person surely has). Give him a pre paid gas card every month if you want, for example. Do something out of the goodness of your heart. They are your parent, need help, and you can afford to share as much as or little as you want. But if it brings you joy to help them without strings attached, that is being called generous. No one said you are obligated to pay all his bills. You don't need to have some big meeting, and over-react. Just be glad you are in a position to help others, and be wise. And a little gracious in your words.
A good rule that i follow is, should you ever ever consider loaning someone money, regardless of it it's family, ask yourself.. if i treated this like a gift and assume I'll never get it back, will the amount of money be enough for me to resent them and would it affect our relationship? If the answer is yes, don't do it.
If you have a ride or die friend who is in a bad way and "only" needs $300, and you know for a fact you could never see that money again and it would be fine, don't tell them its a gift.. but loan it out, and if you get it back, hey, it's a pleasant surprise.
Obviously this doesn't apply to repeat offenders.
Have a yearly family budget. For holidays, and if someone needs it. Have one for your wives family as well. That way if a family member needs money, or Christmas comes along it's not weird for anyone.
It is still weird. They are treating her like crap
I think that depends on how much you have and why your family needs help...
I have a sister a few years younger who has chosen to do absolutely nothing with her life. She and her husband have spent time hanging out on the beach, and enjoying life job free for the last 20 years. They figured out how to live off the government.
I will retire in 12 years with a 30-year teacher pension, and a few hundred thousand in savings, along with social security.
I've earned two Master degrees and have worked through two knee surgeries and continue to work through double knee arthritis. My work attendance has been nearly perfect.
When it comes to retire and she's living in poverty off the government, I'll help her do what she's done for years: get government assistance. She has a degree and could easily have worked all these years. It was her choice and continues to be.
Too bad.
In my family we do help each other, and in our culture kids help parents. In my opinion helping parent with gas money not going to hurt his pocket with money he makes.
At what point exactly is enough, enough of what you share? And why at that exact amount?
It's a comedy show. He makes 400-500k a year and made the mistake of bragging it to his family and now they want some being poor...shocker! 😂
@@JustinCase780 I completely agree with you that he shouldn't have bragged about how much he was making. If he did that (I haven't listened to the whole video yet) then a lot of what's happened is his fault for having done that in the first place.
You are the first I read that your family does help one another. This guy will be blessed. He shouldn't be bailling people out of jail. But gas money, that's different. Helping them find jobs or teaching them what he does is good.