Trauma Wounds Flare When You Try To Be Part of Groups? Here's How to Heal
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ม.ค. 2023
- 🟢 Order My New Book, RE-REGULATED: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
People who were abused or neglected as children long to feel a sense of belonging. But when you join a group, you may often find you struggle to feel like you're truly a part of it -- and you may find excuses to stay on the periphery, or to leave. Few understand the way CPTSD is an injury to the ability to connect to other people; in this video I talk about what that feels like, and practical steps you can take to heal.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf
it's like you put into words what i've been feeling and thinking for years. throughout school, college, and times after that, i've always felt like i'm at the 'outer layer' of the 'social onion'. i remembered how lucky i felt if i was considered to join a group project or noticed in class sometimes, because i don't feel like the inclusion would work if i'm the one who started it. i tend to pull myself to stay at the 'outer layer' because over the years, i felt like each social group i'm in starts to fall out, like it tends to stay with having acquaintance vibes instead of friends, or the group didn't last long. with this repeated pattern, i started to believe i'm jinxed to be in social groups, and pull myself away; only there and participate when it's absolutely necessary or when i feel that this group is already 'stronger' before my arrival, so when i do decide to participate i won't risk to jinx the vibe/group. out of all your videos, Anna, this hits home the most for me. thank you so much for bringing this up
I So relate to you, I feel like I'm the hand grenade when invited to groups, I'm vastly aware I am an activator, a path changer, I've experienced life changing events happen, even death of relationship and actual death, and I don't have a messiah complex just to reassure you. But I tend to prefer my own company and stay away from groups for this reason, it's just to much drama to contend with. I prefer a deeper connection with few friends. I'm just very content with me..but then I think we'll that's how it is. No one generally cares about my wellbeing. I'm to old to care a whole lot these days, but I'm wondering if this the reason.
You 've just described me...
@@gayecosmicchic9755 same here. Think it's a childhood trauma. First we weren't included and we have learned to be solitary.
@sliva I can see how that may be the case. But I'm OK with my aloneness. It's not having a negative impact on my life.
@@gayecosmicchic9755 I so feel the same way! Maybe it isn't about triggers; maybe its about not conforming to society standards and we are better off alone than having to conform!
I find most group situations to be a platform for grandstanding for extroverts and I feel even more withdrawn and quiet because I can't get a word in edgewise. I am usually exhausted/depleted after being in a group for any length of time and it inevitably leads to a competition as to who is the best/fastest....you get the picture. I have been criticized all my life for not participating more verbally in group situations and made a spectacle of in front of everybody often , which is so painfully embarrassing. There is ALWAYS somebody trying to push me to contribute more than I'm capable of or wanting to and I rarely come away having gained enough to make GROUPS worthwhile. Casually meeting other HUMANS while out walking or going for coffee/lunch is more than enough for me most of the time. On my own I can walk at MY pace, stay in the book store or plant nursery for as long as I want to and sit on a log staring at the ocean for however long I want. I am NEVER fast enough for most HUMANS and animals and plants LOVE my pace.
I think we’re twins!
I totally agree. Alone is fine, or you can have a couple of friends that love your pace, who like some of the same things that you do and with whom you can do those things, who love who you are and with whom you can connect. They don’t even need to know each other. They do not have to like all the things you like doing but some of them. You do not need to be joined at the hip! You don’t need a ton of them, just a couple is enough. I have a friend who loves to discover new places and music and with whom I have great conversations. Another one to have walks on the beach with the dogs (I live on a small island, beaches everywhere) and enjoy serenity. Another one to try out new recipes when we both feel like it. Yet another one who loves plants and is passionate about creating ecosystems in the garden, like I do. Screw groups and their inevitable dynamics 😄
Bless! Just know you're not alone. Its a good thing you wrote on here about it because as you can see a lot of people feel like that. Love that you're doing you. Its great! 😊♥️🤗
Bravo......Bravo and Bravo ⭐⭐⭐
I’m the same exact way
The problem I've been having, after spending considerable time healing, learning to trust and honor my instincts and respecting myself enough to _never_ put up with the kind of crap I have in the past, is that I sense intense narcissism, manipulation and hidden agendas in just about everyone now. It genuinely feels like there are almost no decent, well meaning people out in the world anymore.
I can relate Mario, but I am still
hoping there’s some decent people out there, somewhere…
I totally get this Mario. I started a group myself so I could meet people who liked the same things as me and it was great. For a while. Everybody who joined wanted to be my friend....so long as I organised all the events, gave people lifts (nobody ever offered to contribute to petrol costs) and generally kept everything going. After a year I asked if someone else would take over some of the organising tasks, and everyone just disappeared. Apart from an old guy who invited me on holiday and got annoyed when I asked if there'd be separate rooms! Maybe I am a bit weird, but I'd rather be weird than just be everyone's doormat.
I can relate..
I also feel like “social structure” affect how people relate to each other. In competitive world people tend to use each other rather then have an authentic meaningful connection. And if you’re the one who really want just human and kind connection - there is a big chance you’ll be used one way or another. Nowadays “kindness” is viewed as “weakness”.
Happened to me quite a lot. I guess I had expectations and was naive about other’s intentions.
We’re out here! Please don’t give up. We are looking for each other!
I can relate to this so much. Every time I've ever dared to attempt human connection, I'm shocked by how downright evil, cruel and dishonest other people are and I realise I'm much happier on my own.
I often find that I almost immediately see through many groups' leaders and most popular people as fake or toxic, exactly the kind I've learned to spot and avoid as soon as I see them coming.
Can we be friend?
So true!
I agree totally DL I do too .
Yes!!!! I can almost smell them coming lol and I’m OUT
Xooo true 💯
It's happened to me. The alone time has given me an acute ability to see right through people, and now I don't want to be around them. The groups and friends I left behind don't align with my values. I would be happy to be included with the right tribe but I haven't met them yet. Yes, I am a crabbier version of myself, but I think that is a good thing, because I was a doormat to literally everyone before 🙂
THIS. The bitter side effect of that ability, to identify those of poor character, is the strong instinct to run. Trying to maintain contact with such people and keeping your guard up is absolutely _exhausting._ In the end, you wind up staying isolated along with the further depressing knowledge that you see vultures everywhere.
I think you make good point about the healing value of going solo after a lifetime of door-matting! As long as you do your work, eventually you'll know that the next step is joining in because you are no longer a door mat, you know how to ask for and receive what you need, and you value the life experiences of others knowing we're all mostly doing our best! Your perceptions will change and seeing the worst in folks recedes behind seeing their humanity. My deep dive into isolation for years def made me weird and distorted everything in a terrible way. As Anais Nin wrote, "..the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Sending warm healing energy to you! 🌺
OMG..... I also am a crabbier version of myself.
Yes!! I so hear ya and feel ya on this me too!!! Sending you light and love Beautiful Soul thank you for being so honest Yoshi. I don't feel so alone in this World it's not just me.❤😘
I hear you, but I think I like the crabbier version of myself too. 😅
I can TOTALLY vouch for the "too much isolation makes you weirder" scenario. It's been happening to me and I'm finding it very hard to break out of it.
I no longer care as long as I have my husband, son, siblings, mum, pet dog and a handful of lovely friends in my life. I am enough!
@@honeydate If you have all those people you are nowhere near "isolated".....
@@reesedaniel5835 exactly
😢 The isolation is awful... Nobody to chat with... After a decade of Abuse finally got free from the insanely jealous Narc. Who managed to browbeat me with his delusions and anger it was unbelieveable...😮 Now at 60 feel so alone in this uncaring world. But i must try to get some support and just a normal conversation. ❤
@@honeydatetry telling yourself that with only a dog or only yourself.
The pandemic was the PERFECT opportunity to disengage from the insanity of American culture! I spent two years resting my mind & healing my soul. Now, I am so happy & content working on my projects, traveling in my own time & resting when I need to. At first I worried I would be “weird”. Now that I’ve gone back to work full-time, I am confident in myself & can’t wait to be alone after work & on the weekends. The big difference is that I don’t think this is a sad state of being at all like I used to. I am my own best friend & I pretty much got married to myself in a final act of acceptance & love for who I am & what all I’ve been through. If I spend too much time around others, I get overstimulated & feel unmoored. When I spend a weekend alone working on projects, eating good foods & getting proper sleep, I feel grounded & accomplished. I used to want to have a great family & fantastic friends with a lifetime of wild adventures to make me feel fulfilled & important. Try making friends in this world. It is not just difficult, it is impossible. And if someone does seem to want to be my friend, they tend to be very scary people that have a lot of work to do on themselves & they instantly start soul-sucking, manipulating & express frightening levels of neediness. They just aren’t cool.
I’ve experienced the same thing. I find people in groups need the group to feel good about themselves. They cannot be alone as it makes them uncomfortable. I love my time alone. When i hang out with groups I find I cannot stand the people in them.
I felt everything in this comment.. congratulations! continue to do what's best FOR YOU 🥳💖
You people are my people! :)
(Same)
I love this! I've been working on my friendship with myself, too. And removing those toxic friends from my life. Nearly all my "friends" were only my friend because they wanted something from me, usually using me as a therapist. These relationships were never reciprocal. I'm now trying to pour my energy into friends who do seem to care and are reciprocal. That's just really one friend right now, but it's a start! I also got a new job and I've been working on opening up more, and being my authentic self. Sometimes it's scary. But since I've started doing this, I've found deeper connections and security at work. I don't feel so terrified during meetings anymore because I feel generally accepted. Wishing everyone the best of luck in forging meaningful friendships and relationships ❤️ We're not weird, and even if we are a little weird, people usually love that and accept that more than we think!
I totally relate to everything you've said. I, too, am married to myself. It's so cozy, comfortable, safe, wholesome, healthy, loving. Even though I know it's a comfort zone and not necessarily social, gregarious, or human nature-y, it's still something that makes me feel so good, and doesn't harm anyone else, so... why change?
"Being social can take more energy than it gives." You just summed up my lifetime experience with humans. God, it's like pouring acid all over my skin and muffling my air intake with a wet blanket every time I have to be in groups. I can't wait to leave the room, leave the building, and walk way out into the woods. Ahhhh, peace and fresh air! The only group I like is owls singing in the trees at night. I relate to them. Edit: I also like hanging with my dogs. Great beings dogs are, to put up with humans and actually love us. Bless them.
I can soooo relate to this!
Dogs lack the capacity to love because their brains are not sophisticated enough. They cannot feel the emotion of guilt, which you must be able to feel before you can love. All dogs are unpredictable, remorseless, bloodthirsty predators. They put up with us because they are dependent on us. All they want from you is food. Licking your face is a remnant of juvenile wolf behaviour - they do this to make you regurgitate so they can eat your vomit. It isn't "kisses." Dogs don't smile. They pant to regulate their body temperature, which puts their mouths in a configuration that looks somewhat like a smile. We've been force-fed myths about dogs by the multi-billion-dollar-per-year pet industry, and most people believe things about dogs which are not true. Please stop humanizing them.
Maybe you need a "furry" friend, lol
This is not healthy.
At all.
@@sineater3919 I an not humanizing them--I'm rejoicing in their very dogginess. AND--actually, there has been scientific research on that topic. They put dogs into an MRI machine and did experiments which showed the areas of the brain in dogs light up in response to humans in a way that is different than a response to food rewards. Basically, dogs engage and respond in a positive way to humans even more than the obvious survival need of food. The "love centers" in a human brain are the equivalent areas that lit up in dogs brains--though of course our brains are different.
Dogs have rescued humans from drowning, from fires, from threats-even when the people were not their owners; even complete strangers.
Also you are forgetting all the numerous studies done on human response to pet or therapy dogs, showing decreased blood pressure, lower anxiety, better healing outcomes-why are you so angry with those who share love with dogs? You have passed judgment on the quality of the relationship which is fulfilling for both creatures.
Some dogs can also mean, for whatever reason, could be their own trauma or abuse-they are individual creatures.
Wolves carry food back to the pups in their stomachs--they don't have hands. So vomiting it up for the pups is just the way they do it. There are lots of things wildlife do that humans consider gross. I'm not intimidated by Nature. And I love my Big Hairy Fanged Slathering Muddy-Pawed Dogs--such goofy fun beasts! Ah--the JOY. Can't rain on my parade.
And by the way, your comments calling all dogs “unpredictable, remorseless, bloodthirsty" are likely to stir up a hornets’ nest of dysregulation in people who love animals, and also suggest you yourself are in a dysregulated state of resentment and fear to post that.
Honestly, I'm tired of trying. I have a small amount of friends and I am ok with that. I like to be alone, yeah so maybe it's from trauma and a toxic childhood but I've always needed time for me. I find most people frustrating, toxic and overwhelming. They care too much about "stuff." So many live in a constant state of drama, always looking for the next fight to make them feel alive. So much self entitled crap and superiority complexes. How many people have "friends" that never call first? Never email first? It was always me, trying to keep the friendship going. I'm done with that. I don't need that. I get looked down on for not caring about brands, for not caring that I don't have a car or own a house, and for not making a lot of money. I just want to putter in my garden and have a peaceful life with my family and my pets.
I agree with you.
I've tried so many times to "put myself out there" but every time I get more confirmation that I don't belong, people don't like me, and it's not worth trying
“If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:19
Sweetie, you need counseling.
@@darrellandsondraholden9457 do you have any suggestions? I don't currently have a therapist, but before I had two different ones - one did psychotherapy and the other did ACT. Also, I've been diagnosed with PTSD.
@@reesedaniel5835 💯
and the fear once you’re finally invited in, of letting them down. so instead of being yourself, worrying about everyone else’s thoughts.
After trying and thinking I had to fit in all my life...now 63 I feel privileged to feel enlightened in all that is around me instead of the people. When I walk with my 5th rescue dog...at seperate times..I find everything beautiful, the sun coming through the trees, birds, squirals etc. If I am with someone I miss all that. I sit under a yew tree and feel it energy. Watching my little dog run free around the forest gives me such joy and I laugh out loud. People don't give me any of that. They talk about themselves. In saying that I do have great connections with all kinds of people on my walks and watching their dogs is a joy too. Being alone is a pure privileged, I am always busy...art..garden.. cooking and taking care of my beautiful space. I was married for 30yrs qnd he left. I found me..I was brave as a child and I am brave now and proud. I really do believe people who can't be alone have a problem...they don't know their true self. I have tried everything but alone is gift enjoy it everyone.
Living life, includes people and their faults. It's called unconditional love.
Dogs & nature are great, & the trusted inner circle 👍, on my 6 th dog.
This. So accurate. Even after years investing in a group I end up feeling like an outsider.
As a picked on child , I feel like it today . When somebody treats me well , I ask myself what is the catch ?
For me avoiding groups is just fine. I am ok with solitude...I am very reserved and have no need or desire to be included.....
I have found the toxicity in groups is overwhelming so I avoid them. I find one-on-one with people much more satisfying. People get competitive and mean when in a group. I used to feel I NEEDED to be around people because I was made to feel inadequate as I was growing up. I find that a big part of my trauma healing is to be comfortable alone. To know I can handle things. That I am complete as my own person. I guess it depends on how your trauma played out but I like getting comfortable being alone without getting those terrible panic attacks.
Story of my life. Have tried joining this group or club & it seems like everyone else connects with each other, and I start feeling more and more invisible. Ultimately I just drop out. It’s easier to be alone than having to deal with feeling like the outsider in a group situation.
I struggle with groups and it started with church as a young girl. I saw so much hypocrisy, backstabbing, & gossiping all with the mask of virtue and concern. It culminated with me being shunned for dating and kissing a boy who was Lutheran (I was a Mennonite). It’s laughable now that I could be rejected for such a stupid reason but it was so traumatic to have my friends and peers refuse to talk to me and act like I didn’t exist.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel comfortable in a group but I will keep trying to make connections.
I must say that this group, here on Anna’s channel, is one of my favorite groups. We can be honest, supportive and caring while learning and growing!
I will write your first 2 sentences in my dairy, so true to me. It's not about God. But the culture around it can be so toxic. Judas.
@@KAT-dg6el I hear you completely.
You were shunned. I'm so sorry.
I feel ya Gracie. I was raised Jehovah's Witness and was shunned at 18 for dating a non-believer. Have always felt like I don't really fit in anywhere due to being raised in such a religion. I never stopped making new friends though. Keep trying!
Church groups are usually where therapists tell people to go. But meaning no disrespect to someone's spiritual beliefs, a system structured around "We're going to heaven and you're not, nyah nyah nyah" is perhaps not the best model for finding inclusion. Christianity, and indeed all three of the big religions that come out of the Middle East, are fundamentally (no pun intended) about insularity and excluding others who do not conform.
It's rare that a two-legged (my term for a human) "sees me" or "gets me". I realize that everything revolves in their time-frame - I'm in another dimension.
My cat is the only creature on the planet that sees me, gets me, and finds me every day. She is my best present every day!
The word normal is used against abused & neglected...often by the very people doing the abusing & or neglecting. The financial circumstances make people fearful, which they then take out on the most vulnerable closest to them. Isolating is how many of us survive. It is often our last resort after years of tolerating the intolerable.
I always find that there is inevitably a power struggle or power play going on in groups, a level of social aggression which can become almost like bullying, which I have no interest in participating in or being part of, it's just so exhausting, tedious and meaningless. One thing I have found which enables sharing onesself is taking courses or volunteering, which tends to have less of that competitive jostling nonsense and you get more appreciation from others for what you are doing and your participation. I do keep myself away from many other people, lockdown really didn't affect me in any way like it did more socially dependent people, I really found it quite bemusing to read and hear about how so many people were suffering and feeling desperate during lockdown, even though I understood the logic of people being prevented from socialising, for me it was almost like a breath of air!
@LTyrell: EXACTLY !!! Well said.
Yes!!!!!
This is my life. I’m rarely included in a group, and the few times I have been, I didn’t feel good there. My friends are all one-offs, never a group. I know it’s something about me, but I can’t quite figure it out. Thank you for shedding light on this!
That sounds hard! I understand completely and it sounds like you're in the right place. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on how to create more connected relationships, here's the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
-Calista@TeamFairy
I also have decided groups are not for me
I don’t feel this at all. Once I started liking myself because I was alone Ive found I’m better at identifying healthy people and avoiding the unhealthy ones. I have more confidence in myself and refuse to tolerate mean toxic people who are only friends with me because they want something.
Same here. I have a few close friends, and that feels enough. We aren’t part of a group or anything, and that feels better.
Hey Anna, can you please do a video about the trauma of ostracization from everyone around you? I have a lot of trouble accepting myself because I have lived through it multiple times and I struggle to understand why it happened with multiple groups of people who didn't know each other. And why all of them treated me this way in the end. It's hard to feel like something isn't wrong with me.
Had this happen to me at 20 years old and did not cope well. I’m revisiting some of the people involved with it this year and this whole debacle reopened a wound that I thought I healed from and never did.
@C C It happened to me in 4th and 5th grade the first time, I know I should be over it but I'm just not.
This would be a great video! I’m friendly and making sure I’m not overbearing and still having issues staying connected with friends
@@SS-in1ts Same! Also--where is the line between making yourself go out and participate and honoring your need for alone time ?
@@16voyeur great question, what’s been working for me is when I notice I need social time then I push myself to go even when it doesn’t feel right sometimes. Friday evenings are difficult for me, but if I don’t go when everyone else goes, then I miss out for weeks or months. Unless I’m sick, I force myself because once I’m there I have a great time. Once a week or a couple times a month is doable so that’s what I tell myself. It’s like exercising for me lol- getting up to go and the motivation rarely happens but I feel good when I do it or after I do it.
My problem is I pretty much hate everyone. So I don't even try. Everyone gets on my nerves. I have no friends. 😬 Like 95% of the time I'm totally OK w that.
Do you remember your childhood friends? I think those friendships would be the purest because we were all just being ourselves then, no masking, we either got along or not. My last true friends were from before the age of 12 when I put up my wall.
So relatable.
@@suegoldfild8990 this is so true omg
This past year I’ve become aware of the intense shame I feel in groups. It’s crippling. I hadn’t really thought that it could be from trauma. I can’t imagine how to overcome it but I have always been painfully lonely and I’d like to.
Same here.. I'm 81 and still struggling. The shame is awful and I feel so lonely.
Same here. At 70! Ashamed of: being overly sensitive, of being extremely vulnerable ( in groups ) Afraid they’ll all turn against me, when I speak my truth. And then ignore me, like my parents. … If I could stop judging myself all would be well. Journaling helps a lot. 😢
I understand--I feel the same way. Bless you.
@@Helen-nv8el Same here because I have mental impairment.
@@birdlover6842 💞
I sometimes find myself shutting down in social situations. I feel like I don't even have control over it- it just happened this weekend - I suddenly couldn't think of anything to say appropriately. Sometimes at parties I would just start cleaning up - helping the host- not realizing I'm just sick of small talk! They would think I was such a wonderful person but I was really just avoidant.
It never occurred to me that people want me to share stuff about my life. It seems like anytime I talk in the group everyone ignores me & interrupts me so why even hang out with anyone? I literally don’t want to ever have friends again bc of this and I don’t know why I need to put myself out there so people can treat me like a weirdo and getting called weird my whole life. Sorry for venting but i don’t think it’s always my fault I just think people are really narcissistic and clique-ish nowadaya
Have you ever considered the possibility that you may be autistic? Many of us are and never knew/never got diagnosed.
I have to admit I was triggered when I wrote this comment but essentially I don’t know whether or not the group I am in are assholes to me or I am doing something wrong.
@@ruci I pretty much feel the same way & spend time working instead of socializing because it’s more reliable & grounding than others
Hey! I feel you! Do you have some good friend(s) that you talk to one on one? How do you feel treated by them? Try to look out for close one on one connections. Usually it is enough to find ONE person that you feel accepted by to feel like belonging.
Anna, this is SO accurate. The only time I didn’t feel awkward in groups was when I drank a lot. When I was sober and tried to speak, I was frequently interrupted, which made me shut down. It seemed that the only way anyone could hear me was if I interrupted them. It feels like everyone has the secret password but me! I’m 64 now and still find it stressful and awkward in groups. And “weird” is the perfect word.
P.S. Anna, I’m four days into the Daily Practice, and it’s helping ease some of my anger. It also helps lift some of the anxiety that feels like an elephant is standing on my chest. Just once a day right now, but this weekend, I’m doing two a day. ❤😊
I have had that same experience. I would be looking forward to getting out and socializing , then when I get there every time I tried to say something someone would start talking over me and not let me finish. I think that is just the worst thing ever. I just shut up and sat there while everyone else enjoyed the conversation. Next time this happens I will just leave.
hello. how long have you not drank? im around your age and i stopped at 19. that was a life saver but the childhood upbringing followed me til i was in my late fifties. im understanding and healing from that but theres always more life and personality road blocks im sure i'll have to deal with as i travel on.
@@tomjames7713 I stopped drinking a long time ago. I never became an alcoholic, but my dad was one. I was surrounded by alcohol during my formative years but never had any desire for it. However, when I began working and socialising with co-workers, I discovered that it eased my shyness and took away my insecurities and crippling lack of self-esteem. I never drank when I was alone but alcohol gave me liquid courage and turned me into the life of the party when I was out with people. I finally curtailed the drinking when I began blacking out. It reached a point where I couldn’t remember what I’d done or who I’d been with. Entire nights were lost, and it scared me. I have no doubt in my mind that I would have become an alcoholic if I hadn’t quit when I did. But without booze, socialising became agony again.
@@Kmcp2261 Exactly! Happened to me all the time. It’s awful, I know. You feel like you’re invisible.
@@designchik we are the same age, and I quit drinking about 4yrs ago. If I do when I go out to eat or such, I stop after 2. I went down that binge drinking path and had the black outs too. Just to feel liked and included. My "friends" just talked about me more. It's harder now to have a boundary but it works. Interrupters are the worst! God bless you, you ARE heard❣️😇
This is absolutely a personal choice for me! I now recognise at my age that I have avoidant personality disorder. However, I prefer to avoid people in general because I’m perfectly happy on my own. I only relate to others on a very superficial level. My life meaning comes from a deep faith. I would make a really good hermit!
I feel the same Deirdre! Just being happy on my own :)
This is true for me too.
"avoidant personality disorder" ? What fool gave you that diagnosis?!
I have to say, and this is an honest analysis of my experiences, is that this feeling only comes up with I'm around American people. I don't mean this as an insult. The reason is I find most (obviously, not all, but a vast majority) Americans engage in, what I call, modular conversations, they are very ill-informed about anything that's happening in the world, barely read, don't have any kind of interest in learning about other cultures, have no grasp of geography, and often lack emotional skills to develop meaningful bonds. En masse, it's an "adolescent" society. Reactive, easily provoked, lacking necessary critical thinking skills that are usually rooted in understanding of history and how various societies developed and how they dealt with challenges. I often find myself utterly bored after the first "What do you do for a living?". How do you converse with a nation that amplifies its ignorance and takes pride in it...?
This doesn't happen nearly as much, or ever, when I find myself in a group of Asians, South Americans, Europeans, even Canadians. There is an instant interest, instant exchange of ideas, a sense of learning and discovery, of being heard and understood. I feel like the life-line is, once again, extended to me and my soul feels nourished after these interactions. Not like, I'm listening to my brain cells screaming in agony as they wither away. Only in the States. The way the American Society continues to break down makes me so very sad.
Perhaps you’ve met the wrong people.
That’s a horribly arrogant way to generalize an entire nation.
It’s why I can’t wait to leave. The comment above proves exactly what you mentioned. You can’t educate them b/c as you said they pride themselves in ignorance and always respond emotionally. You clearly stated not all Americans. I’ve had people 3x my age start arguments with people my age, just to be seen or flex some unwanted knowledge. I don’t take most people here seriously. Even in the “real world” I feel like I never left high school. This country is closing in on itself and it’s the Americans doing it to each other. I have no more grace for people and I just stick to myself, building my own resources so I can get tf out of here. It’s like being caged in with a bunch of chimps.
I unfortunately very much recognise that in my life! One side of me wants to have that feeling of beloning to a group while another part of me is ready to break away as soon as i got to attached. It' has always been a battle between those two conflicting parts in me..
Same
Laughed, just seeing the title, so true! It started from childhood perception, I remember looking at my extended family, with whom I grew up, feeling as an outsider. It's the same at 50 - with any groups. Yes, I will come to everyone's need in a flash. They won't recipricate or care. I mistaken people-pleasing for Christianity, as a need to look out for one another. But it ends up a 1-way street. They used to taking and look annoyed when I asked for some help to please buy me some groceries for me after my surgery, as I couldn't drive. They took it as annoying inconvenience and dropped it off, speeding away. Never again. My stitches were undone at the end. I just couldn't rely on anyone.
So touching but you gonna be ok. I was telling myself early this week that I wish I knew what I know now like 30-35 ago, my life would have been different cos I will do a way with BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER CHRISTIAN.
SERVING GOD BUT STILL HAVE SOME WISDOM ON DEALING WITH PEOPLE AND THEIR WAY OF REASONING.
It's ok if someone doesn't like me! I just move on without trying to score points or prove something that will NEVER MEAN ANYTHING TO HATERS. It is well
I can really relate to this too. Have not realized that taking care of others should come with some limits. I know that now but have given away my life doing what I thought was Christian only to be thought of as selfish and causing pain to others. Yet all I did was give, God as my judge. I'm afraid of people now.
I think one of the main unconscious reasons groups pick an "outsider" is so that it becomes that thing they rally against; a bonding situation, except there's a person there - a real person being ostracized. I've lost my livelihood more times than I can say to people bonding over rallying against the 'villain' they've made me out to be. Two things I do differently than most people. 1- I set boundaries and 99% of people can't cope with that. 2- I speak up if a group is coming after me, usually because they need a villain or because they are fear-crazed, and speaking up for yourself us also frowned upon in the spiritual communities. It seems like whoever starts the rumors or is the attacker, wins. Groups do this funny thing where if a person is in any way different, all members of the group seem to notice and then from there it's game on. Be part of group think and be included, or else you're gonna be shunned. I don't want to be part of group-think, I don't want my options and time limited by what everyone else thinks, I don't want people telling me what to do with my life when they are not living it, and people seem to think the only thing were doing here on Earth is to have fun instead of doing real stuff to help others and the Earth. I've never understood this or wanted to be part of it. I am lonely for people that have lived actual life experiences and have understanding and compassion and wisdom and wit an have not stopped learning through life and are inspired people doing good for others.
Oh my goodness… exactly
I can really, really relate, and agree.
Great comment. Some very important points. I definitely feel the same in the groups I struggle with. It's like, be cool or you're liable to be the weirdo that the groups criticizes in privacy. At least, that how it feels.
YES! SOOO well stated...I agree and fully relate🙌🙏💪💚🔥
God yes
I totally get what you're saying and I love your channel. I think the whole group mindset depends on whether you are an introvert or extrovert. I always said I was an introvert who learned to be an extrovert to survive in the world. Now that I'm 64, I no longer need to 'fit in'. I'm content with a quieter life with a few close friends and having one to one interactions. I've come to realize while my trauma has caused me to disengage somewhat to self protect, I actually prefer time in nature with less time spent in groups. And that's ok. Being in groups is overwhelming and draining for me. Being in nature is energizing and restorative. I am no longer going to feel bad about being on the perimeter or aspire to the center. I don't need to belong to a group to feel good about myself anymore like I used to. I will tolerate a group to get a job done knowing it is short lived! But that's just me...I'm a little weird 😉 and I wear it proudly. It's taken me years to accept this for myself and not feel like there's something 'wrong' with me and try to change it to fit in with the majoritiy of society. Yes, trauma changes you but for me, I'm finally allowing myself permission to be who I was before the trauma. I see lots of fellow introverts in here as well as some HSP's and empaths...I know you get it 😉 Meet me at the forest 💜 but just one or two at a time please 😂 It's where I belong!
I could have written your comment, as I completely relate to it. I am 67 years old and it wasn’t until my early 60s that I came to the same realizations as you. It was truly freeing for me as well.
@ J Sams: exactly! Well said.
For me, trauma wounds compound with autism pressures in social situations. Even when/if I can work through trauma triggers etc. I still have to mask, and that’s always exhausting. Moreover, it’s precisely in social situations where I repeatedly encounter rejection when I dare to unmask, no matter how little I’m struggling with trauma. Attempts to get closer to the center consistently result in the group, any group, treating me more like a fascinating pet than a peer.
This. I relate so much. Being austistc/having a learning disability makes socializing difficult 😑
❤️
Try finding a group of autistic adults, it can be easier to connect with our own than with neurotypicals as there is no need to mask among our own. I get it is hard but I have found most of my healing with my small group of autistic and probably autistic friends, with a few ADHD's for some interest at times.
Nah, I can't see me wasting my time and energy on groups anymore. I spent enough time trying to connect with people and groups in my 30s and 40s and I never had any success. I was always the third wheel in any group, no matter how much I tried to be a part of it. So I've just given up. Why keep torturing myself? It's supposed to be fulfilling but it was never anything but soul crushing and disappointing. So yeah, I'm not putting myself out there anymore. I guess I'll just live out my old age as a more solitary Weezer.
Yes, I don’t fit in groups. So many women are so judgmental and talk behind your back; I just can’t take it. I need to trust people to interact well. I have two good trusted friends, and that’s it.
Ditto …
Well you have 2 more friends than I do!! Consider yourself VERY blessed!
@@reesedaniel5835 I do! They are the best friends ever and I’ve very grateful!
so true
I'm traumatised and autistic so it was really hard for me to fit in groups, now I have several autistic friends and am much happier
I discovered that there are always some drama and gossip in any type of "friend" groups that perpetuate toxicity. I always grew up a bit introverted and I desperately wanted to have friends I can connect with but honestly after trying so many times and being traumatized badly by toxic behaviors of people, I gave up. I'm sorry to say but I honestly feel so tired of people and the extra mental stress and anxiety they bring. I don't think people are bad or try to hurt others purposefully but I think people are simply impossible sometimes.
@ not Jane: exactly!!
Your last sentence was incorrect. They DO manipulate and intentionally hurt others....all. the. time. Narcissists are EVERYWHERE!
My parents and teachers-since making me repeat 2nd grade-lost patience with my learning disabilities…decided I was just a bad kid. ‘I wasn’t doing my job.’ Repeating 2nd grade was traumatic. I didn’t know what was happening. My friends moved on to third grade and I sat in a class of strangers. I was called “flunky”. I rebelled! I hated my teachers and they hated me. I felt alienated and alone-scared! My teachers through high school despised me. I recall most vividly when my 6th grade Social Studies teacher, a large fat man, would sometimes start the class berating me in front of everyone. Said, I wouldn’t amount to anything in life. I was humiliated and mocked. Teachers would sometimes call me up to the chalk board to make a spectacle of my struggle to solve math problems. Once I fell behind I couldn’t catch up. Every report card period was dark and depressing-shameful! My parents went into the usual fits of rage with all the put downs. I felt different from my class mates. I never did fit in.
As an adult, I have experienced near panic attacks in staff meetings and other group settings. Navy life on ships was especially difficult. At sea, there’s no escape.
Overcoming my past is a frustrating process. It’s entrenched. Often, I feel like the damage is too deep for a cure. It’s a disorder difficult to conceal every time I ‘get out’ and face my fears.
:((( This makes to so angry to hear:((. I have had great life-altering success by implementing an "invite the fearful thoughts" technique that Curtis Kessler explains in his video about how he cured his Avoidant Personality Disorder - its basically "welcoming" the feelings that rise up during the scary scenarios while we are in our safe place in our room, on our own time. The idea is that feeling those feelings through, while watching with love and acceptance helps them burn themself up and replaces them with confidence. I imagine that if we had been around a compassionate parent after anything bad like this happened to us, and the parent let us TALK IT OUT, cry it out, process the hurt and look for good solutions/resolve the situation, we would not have carried these fears into our future! So "welcoming" the feeling now in real time where we feel safe, is our way of being that compassionate parent and will have the same dissipating effect around those specific fears. They do diminish.
@@suegoldfild8990 This is good. Thank you.
I'm so angry for you. As a 6 year old I had a really mean teacher treat me that way and it does scar you.
These people should not be considered fit to work with children legally.
I'm so sorry you experienced this at all, without the reactions of your parents on top it is horrible enough.
Can relate with this. I cry most times to relieve my fears and pain....to prepare me before meeting people.
It's really difficult cos my trauma knocking in my 40s and I didn't understand why people hurt people and still wonder why one tries to protect oneself.
They play the victim by gaslighting you for reacting or responding to their bad treatment. They prefer to treat an adult like a child and expect a NO RESPONSE.
I'M LEANING ON GOD TO KEEP MY HEAD UP🙏🙏😇
@@suegoldfild8990 I screenshot your comment to refer to later - I definitely needed my parents to be compassionate when I was a child… but I feel like I got very little. Having to re parent myself with the help of therapy sometimes really pisses me off, but at the same time it’s quite freeing.
"I have become comfortably numb"....I never felt I belonged. Now I am comfortable with my solitude (61).
I agree. I also think, that one of the core wounds I've had is masking how I really feel in groups, whether it's at work, at home, or with friends. Traumatized people are so good at wearing masks out in public, that self isolation becomes a bit of a survival strategy. Putting down the mask and slowly being more and more authentic has been a big deal for me. It makes being in groups less traumatizing, I can voice how I feel without fawning or fleeing, or needing to suppress my feelings about what is going on.
there comes this quote in my mind: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
― Brené Brown
This is a big thing for autistic people. We're so used to being the outcast that being in the core of a group feels "wrong".
It's harder when you have PTSD from childhood and panic disorder, years of misdiagnosis, and dealing with multiple chronic illness that include depression and anxiety. When you feel the burden of being debilitated from multiple angles, getting a leg up feels completely impossible. While I crave connection and inclusion, I am VERY much safe not making those attempts. I do try and make them, but when my chronic illness takes a toll on me most days, it becomes almost a pointless challenge to me. I also have a partner with narcissistic tendencies that further complicate things, and it can make me isolate even more. I feel for anyone like me who deals with multiple factors, let alone one, that keeps them lonely. But I know it's not healthy to be alone. Connection with people is so important. It just feels so hard to trust anyone with your brokenness. Even when I do finally connect with others, it's inevitable that they will learn about the very problems that will limit my connection with them.
This is me.. 😂 stay strong.. wish we could be friends❤️
Ditto
Get away from the narc! ✌️❣️
I'm in the same boat...so I know full well what overwhelm feels like!!! I would LOVE to connect and be here for you as a genuine, compassionate friend! Are you on FB?
I've always been a nomad/loner. I grew up in a lot of dysfunction AND I have Autism+ADHD so my communication style is very different to most people.
I find it's always been a "damned if you do or don't, it doesn't matter" kind of thing with most people. I conform ~ I lose, I don't conform ~ I lose. I used to always feel like I was "a problem" (and sometimes that feeling still creeps up on me). Its ok to be on the peripheral, and frankly in a lot of spaces that's the best choice.
What helped me the most was finding those one or two people who really KNOW you, the context of your character, & will always give you the benefit of the doubt (empathy) even when you mess up. I don't have the capacity to fight for my basic right to be seen as human anymore. I shouldnt have to. If the people you are surrounded by don't get that, it's not on you...they are operating in "othering" bias. I know its isolating, and easy to think "well if I just did/didn't do XYZ then I wouldn't be ostracized" but it's not true, and not where your effort should be going. Doing your best IS ENOUGH, and there are people out there who will see that. You just gotta find them.
I'm not a sheep, so no fake groups for me. Their all fake and use your personal resources until you decide you are done. I keep my circle very small and it's just fine for me.
Amen 🙏🏽
Yes!! It won't help healing if I join evey group, become and active member and get myself exploited.
at least you have a circle.
I agree. Too many fake people. People gossiping and saying nasty things about me and other members.
@@powderhog7272 Yes being in one of those groups is like being in 4th grade all over again because that's the extent of their emotional maturity and mentality. No thanks.
I have been a member of so many groups in the past, both social and organised, and every time it's the same scenario: the group is great, I feel I fit in. Everyone gets on, I begin to come out of my shell, I am not at the centre but I actively take part. At first I go home every night and worry, replaying various things I said in my mind, wishing I had not spoken at all, thinking everyone finds me odd... but gradually that falls away...and I start to feel better about myself and trust the group, trust that I am accepted. BUT inevitably, after a while of really looking forward to group time, someone new joins (someone with a very strong personality, a "Listen to me" person, a narcissist I guess) and very soon push their way to the centre of everything and the whole group dynamic is tilted on it's axis. Fault lines begin to develop, there is now an Us & Them vibe. Very soon there is drama, fallings out, people whose company I enjoyed stop showing up, there are big showdowns and people leave and I eventually admit defeat and stop going too because the group dynamic has changed so dramatically I no longer want to be there. The worst part is this has even happened with project groups I STARTED too! I hate arguing, I hate drama and confrontation, so I just wind up closing the project so that I can get away from the confrontational person. It's like a chemical reaction, you know sooner or later someone will join that causes the whole thing to implode or just change so dramatically most of the initial group leave.
I know what you are talking about, safe groups have firm guidelines and someone to maintain them.
-Cara@TeamFairy
> someone new joins
I've experienced a scenario like that. Sucks.
@Yve: exactly!!! Well said.
@@rabbitcreative Yep. The narc infiltrator aka satan's servant. This happens in every kind of group/organization eventually.
I started going to a coffee shop and walking my dog in the little town park. I met people and reconnected with humans, superficiality first, but reconnected. Isolation took over life for 2 to 3 years at a time, more than once in the last 10 years. Felt scary, but helped me tremendously
Shortly after going on disability, I met others who had left their jobs because of illness/injury, and I noticed something: many of those who had left the workforce after about 3 years seemed odd and did/said strange things. It was hard to imagine that these folks had once held employment. These were usually very isolated people. Those who went on disability but still remained somewhat active in church or other areas didn't engage in these odd behaviors as much. So I made sure to be involved in something even if it wasn't necessarily a perfect fit. It has been hard due to triggers, but it has helped me in some ways. Just remember, not every group is a healthy group. Join the ones where you feel the most comfortable and safe, even if you don't get all that involved with them. It will help.
As an introvert, I don't have a need to be part of a group. I will avoid them like the plague and try to get out if it when forced into one. It's nothing I can heal because it's hard wired in me and not the result of any trauma.
To be honest with you.. yes, your explanation seems logical but how do you cope with the feeling that it costs us too much energy to try and stay connected and the results are not rewarding enough in relation to the effort we put in order to overcome our inner voice which tells us yo stay home in isolation and just stop risking another day of feeling completely out of place.
Feelingvout of placexis so damaging, so terrifying and so hurtful that I just stopped trying to bslong to a group or even meet anyone at all except for in work environmentcin which I do notvgey to choose.
I even feel out of place and now for not feeling the need to meet people at all.
You are fine. As Cher says, you are who you are supposed to be. My neighbor says the women in our complex all hate me. I tried to go to the meetings and speak up. I’m dissed by them. Oh well. You know, I can’t die and blow away because most people don’t like me. I like me. I get me. I know me. I’m always out of place around other people. Try to reach out and they ghost me. Bring them in for drinks and noshies, never see them again. So, yes, I think it’s me. Anyway, I’m trying to say, I’ll bet you are probably awesome. Maybe even have perspectives on life that are fascinating. Probably have done things or have seen things that would be interesting to hear. All of those life experiences, good or bad that helped to create you. Anyway, I get it. Hope this doesn’t offend you. I sometimes talk too much. Just to let you know, if I’m around someone for two hours, the next day, I don’t feel too well.🥺
I have told my family members that I don't feel wanted or included. They just kinda shrug and say of course they want me. So I fall for it and go to a gathering only to be pretty much left alone. Sadly, I am left at the Thanksgiving table finishing my dinner while everybody else leaves the room. That's not ok, so I withdraw from these gatherings. It only makes me sad.
I always assumed my feeling like an alien/outsider was a holdover from my years as a military brat who moved from state to state, starting over every couple years, not having a real hometown… I’m realizing more and more that it’s so much more than that.
I totally relate to this - moved almost every year growing up and we were not military. I was always good at making friends but after losing all of them over and over again each time I subconsciously shut the possibility of friendship out, and I'm not sure how to turn it back on now that I am settled down.
I have the same problem. We moved a lot growing up. One place we moved, there were only 13 kids in my entire 6th grade class. I didn’t fit in with the girls as they still played with dolls and Barbie’s. My sister was two years older and I hung out with her and kids her age, but she hated me being around. She and I are very close now, but I think that experience is why I never feel like people really want me in the group.
Me too! I've lived in my current town 20 years now and it doesn't feel right.
Yup this is me. I'm crabby and standoffish around people. If there were any children around, I'm certain I would be yelling at them to stay off my lawn. Now all I need are several cats.
~^-^~Cats are actually wonderful companions!!!~♡~They are easy to love, very entertaining & rarely annoying!!!~^-^~
Amen Sister! I have isolated for so long and drinking it away. I have become scary and weird. No wonder no one wants to hang with me. Right now I am just working on being sober.
I admire you for working on your sobriety. Sending you virtual hugs
That’s really amazing!!!
That's a HUGE first step.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Look into the Sinclair Method! :)
Very good luck to you. I don't suppose you are scary at all.
I feel surprised when someone reaches out to relate to me and that I can't pay them back for being so nice.
In my experience, being part of a group leads to lots of shallow relationships. You can’t know who other people really are (and vice versa) if there’s a big group of you all playing your ‘roles’. It’s so superficial, like an Orwellian nightmare. You might benefit from ‘protection from the group’ but ultimately you sacrifice anyone knowing who you really are (and therefore LIKING you for who you really are). You are just an actor on a stage playing a part that isn’t really you. Not to mention the fact that if you are brave enough to disagree with the ‘leader’ the rest of the pack will shun you out of fear that they will be rejected from the pack by the leader. Thus, they reject you. It’s degrading to be part of such a primitive, animalistic system. I disagree that joining friendship groups is healthy for traumatised folk. I think it’s healthy to join community groups like choirs/charities etc to get the benefit of being part of something bigger. But don’t expect ‘friendship groups’ to know who you really are or to care about you when things go wrong. They won’t, as your value only lies in being part of their orchestrated social hierarchy.
Our members meet up in groups all the time and many beautiful friendships have formed.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Can we be friend? I want to talk.I'm lonely.
I couldn't agree more. Particularly in the city I live in.
I found choirs very toxic
@Crappy Childhood Fairy good for you 😊 but in the real world, "finding" a group of nice genuine people to be friends with is difficult if not impossible.
I'm 63 and this is me. I now have a very tiny circle of friends and have no part in anything that is a group or group like. I don't miss it and am at peace with solitude and distance.
"An assult on your senses"...."like a high-school experience that never stops"....ohhhh my gosh 💯. Even when I go to the gym, my gym has a ton of high school guys. I'm in my 30s and I still feel like these high school guys are judging and making fun of me.
I went through a lot of crazy stuff in my life. I've been ostracized more than once. The moment I realized that I don't need to bow or bend the knee to such cruel creatures, is the moment I realized I don't need them. I adopted the lone wolf warrior mentality - everything is on me to manage; no-one is coming to save me; I have to be strong and self-sufficient. 10 years practicing this mindset allowed me to break off from society and find my true self. I'm fierce when I need to be (and I show no mercy to those who try to take whats mine) but also loving with the people I care about (which is a tiny tiny number, but means the world to me). I knew early on that there is a shadow to the group, and this shadow can be absolutely cruel and unforgiving.
What do you do to stop acting stupid in a crowd? I feel like I embarrass myself in groups. I try not to but inevitably I’ll unintentionally do or say something that must be off putting to other people. Most of the time I catch it after the fact, but sometimes I don’t get it til people start avoiding me. The inclusion fades away. Once I realize I’m making a bad impression, I’m so embarrassed I can barely face the people in that group again. I’ve heard myself described as a “phony”. I don’t think I’m that way…whatever I’m doing, most people don’t like it
I can totally relate, Lane. I don’t realise I’ve said something weird until I see the look on people’s faces. 😔
Learn to listen more than talk. People love a good listener. When you really feel you can trust someone than share alittle more about yourself.
💖
@Debbie thank you for that 🙂
Omg, this may sound weird and awkward, but I would love to connect! I have struggled with the same exact problem. It would be nice to talk and help one another.
Listen and get to know the group first carefully. Have your own boundaries about what you are prepared to share! Also consider you may have ADHD, so many people are undiagnosed and find group's uncomfortable. At the end of the day we are not everyone's cup of tea 🥰
I don't have any childhood trauma that I know of. But I tend to be a loner. I don't like the group dynamic. People act differently in groups. And there are power games.
This advice is insane. People with Complex-PTSD have huge boundary issues, self-esteem issues, and choose unsafe relationships. They're often dysregulated and become even more so when their social interactions confirm their worst nightmares. "Fake it 'til you make it" is unbelievably bad advice.
Oddly I have never felt the need to be ''included'''. Groups hamper critical thinking and I avoid that whenever I can.
so spot on...what you said sounded like you were talking to me personally...i keep putting myself out there always joining people/groups but never feel like i belong...and so i always leave...these days i have no friends or family to talk to...as people trigger pain every time...its easier to remove myself than it is to deal with the pain....
I completely understand and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. You're in the right place and I'm so glad you found the channel. -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm 31 now , I've been struggling with this stuff since I was a child. In my teens especially and 20s I often pushed myself in social activities with the hope this state would fade away and never really did, maybe some really small changes happened but the core hasn't . I feel I humiliated myself immeasurably and would have probably been better if I pulled away from groups. Recently thou I had an experience where I was for a while like a totally new person, as if I was past all these problems, i could listen emotionally to people and care, look in the eyes without being afraid and I felt amazed at how cool I'm actually. But it gradually faded again and I'm losing hope.
My brother always included me in family events (even my darkest times). I guess I better thank him for that. I force myself to socialize, but it gets easier. And now I've found some great friends that share their victories and woes with me. Never give up.
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I recently joined a coffee group with some women from a gym that I go to. It has been very interesting with how different they socialise to men. I have worked in a very male dominated industry for 30+ years and this group of ladies have been teaching me a lot. The first thing I really struggled with has been not to talk over people or interrupt them. With men it’s not so much of a problem but with women the reactions are next level! I have told a couple of the ladies that they are giving me etiquette lessons and they think that’s hilarious. One big thing I’ve also noticed is that I’m getting on better with people I didn’t think I would and vice versa.
OMG..... I have also looked at myself as talking over people. Trying to stop it. Slowly getting better...I think.
I much prefer the company of men over women.
I have been bullied out of si many groups it is insane. And I am talking people I have done things for and helped in many way that many others wouldn't. Group free is much less traumatic. Also tirimg even now to always having to be the one to reach out.
Thanks for sharing, keep reaching out.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Keep sticking that hand in the fire and getting burned. No thanks.
Going through hardships alone is a bajillion times safer. I've gone through hardships alone-alone, and I've gone through hardships multiple times before, surrounded by people, even well-meaning people, who left me feeling more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. Then I'd remember the most famous of gaslighting phrases, "Ugh, you're so over-sensitive. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything?!" And I'd fall down the rabbit hole of wondering whether they were right about me all along.
And you're asking me to risk THAT again? Even nice people can have these devastating empathy blind spots. In the past week alone I've had so many examples again of just how ignorant and unsafe people can be. I hear the logic of what you're saying. But holy hell, it's a tall order.
There is no logic in what she is saying. Maybe 30 or 40 years ago but not today. Wickedness is RAMPANT.
I noticed a while ago that I tend to find myself as the “weakest” person in the group- the one who doesn’t fit in or really belong. I keep trying to find new groups I belong to but end up beating myself up for not connecting/belonging like I had hoped. My past trauma was not from my parents. It was my grade school experience .
I get you. Look at our membership, we have members meeting together every day via zoom and getting through those old grade school fears! bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same for me....even the ballet class was traumatizing for me because of the snooty, mean little rich girls...My parents were just high-school teachers, and that was enough for these girls to circle in for an emotional assault, on us 'lesser worthy' ballet students..
Likewise. In middle school I was actually *voted* out of the group for being too serious. They each signed a petition-like paper, very formal of them, ironically.
@@Haley_Halo Middle school years were so hard. I didn't like the popular girl running for a school student office so I foolishly ran again her and got 2 votes. Embarrassing but should have known better because she was so popular. Kinda like being voted out too. Feels like such a struggle to be part of a group and feel like I belong there. What kind of self talk would allow me to believe I do belong?
I've been feeling this way about preferring to be alone rather than start new friendships. I lost my hubby in '08. He was our social butterfly and kept people around us all the time. I'm 75, almost 76. Most of my previous friends have passed away or moved away. I've been homeless so living in group homes and shelters was very difficult but 2 years ago I finally got my own apt. I decided that I was going to make an effort to be more sociable in 2024.
We're so happy for your decision! Feel free to check Anna's free course Daily Practice bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice that can help with getting regulated.
And if you'd like to work deeper, Anna's Connection Bootcamp provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection Good luck!
Nika@TeamFairy
read a book on a 3 day bus ride across country. It was called taking care of number 1. It said that people who join groups are afraid to face life on their own. I face everything on my own. Have since birth.
Thank you….. I needed to hear this. I’ve been off work, I feel like I don’t belong . I don’t want to go back.
What a beautiful video. It is such an amazing thing when someone comes looking for you when you have cptsd. We are so good at not being seen. Thank you for coming back to get us all.
People isolating themself cause they do not know who they are. How can you connect when you do not know who to connect? Imposible. First you need to connect yourself with yourself, get centred and grounded.
I know who I am. I also know who’s out there in the world and I no longer have a desire to participate.
Many of us know exactly who we are. And many of us don’t sugarcoat reality or ourselves.
Wow, so accurate! I agree completely. Without that connection and inclusion our rough edges don't get to experience that "smoothing out", that flexibility, that natural "polishing" that occurs when we associate with others. It's so, so hard when one doesn't have the tools to do so like others - the fear of appearing weird or strange is so great. Learning how to be "appropriate" and associate seamlessly with others is a skill that I think needs to be constantly practiced. Your advice came at the right time for me. To be interesting or original is one thing but to appear odd or eccentric is isolating and sometimes I think I fall into the box of stubbonly thinking I'm being original when really I'm just coming off as strange and off putting. Your information was encouraging, the kick in the pants I needed.
As a retired 72 yo, I moved towns to be closer to family so joined the local senior citizens center to make friends by playing some games. One card game I love but the group is difficult due to power players and politics that are nauseating - so I don't play often. The Bingo & Bunco games are generally easier to tolerate because there are not as many power players and opportunities for tacky malicious players to thrive - in fact the "narcissist" BS people avoid the games where they can't be the boss & exert BS control over others !! Yahoo there are a few places at the senior citizens center that are "safe"
Wow, that's so interesting. I'm glad you've found some safe places at the center where you can feel comfortable, that's great! -Calista@TeamFairy
I can't wait until God rids the world of these nasty and malicious serpents (narcissists). It's coming....
What a perfect discription of me! Something about childhood abuse takes away all confidence…the wounds are slowly healed over time. Prayer helps! God seems to send the right people into my life at the right time…still takes time to trust, but it IS coming
Being rejected by family affected my daughter's childhood. The worst thing is they are beginning to circle back and including us again. She is an adult now and what she remembers of them is the rejection and chooses not to be around them,. They don't aknowledge what happened and I don't want to be around them either.
Healing is all about agency!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna, this video is so relatable and what you’re talking about happens to me on a daily basis; whenever I’m with a group of people I feel like I’m on the periphery and somewhat different from other people and not included. I’ve lived my life like this for decades, but I don’t want to live like that anymore; it’s exhausting and wearing me down both physically and emotionally. Thank you for your words of encouragement Anna and for showing the path for change and making me believe that change is possible 😊
52 years old and I still struggle to fit in .. 😫!!
Wow! Listening to this triggered my anxiety. I've never had my feelings verbalized so accurately. Thank you so much.🙂
I’m 52 and I’ve struggled my entire life to fit in. I had a few friends when I was young. My best friend died 6 years ago and now I literally don’t have one friend. I just can’t seem to make any. I am friendly. I try to care about others and yet I’m still an outsider everywhere. It’s caused me to not bother trying. I’ve come to understand that I’m not somebody that people want to know.
Much of this depends on what group you are referring to: work, church, school, extra-curricular, hobbies, extended family on spouse's side, extended family on your side, etc. When there is function in a group, it works ok usually. When there's dysfunction in a group, it can get gnarly. Especially if any of the wanna be leaders are narcissists. In that case, it is often better to avoid the crazy-making of these type of divisive, mean-spirited souls. People-pleasing in order to fit in is not healthy. Participating because you want to, or maybe it's the right thing to do in certain situations, might work for you. In any situation, be fearless, be brave, be courageous, be fun, be happy, be creative, be flexible, & be yourself. Don't let anybody's jealousy, ignorance, insecurities, projection, judgment, division, or narcissism bring you down.
Yep - I'm getting weirder by the day! It's a complete struggle to be connected 😨
We can help! bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Maybe some people will love ❤️ your weirdness. You might teach them something. It’s okay to be weird. It just means you’re marinating and your mind is coming to certain realizations that it couldn’t see because of all of the people noise.
You are not getting "weirder" you are REAL !! People around you are getting "weirder" by the day because they are becoming more and more PHONY.
For all of you watching this, what might help is to find a somatic practitioner. Trauma lives in the body and trying to heal it using the same traumatized brain is extremely difficult in most cases. Somatic practice or somatic experiencing is what might help if other things haven’t. Thank you Anna for all your videos - you are changing lives!
What are some ways to heal the body that you’ve found?
Again, you explained this perfectly, feel like you are describing me exactly. Comforting in a way to know there are lots of people who feel like this. Hope we can all help ourselves find inclusion!
Reading the comments here is like a balm to my soul. Knowing I am not alone in feeling so alone. There is such an intense amount of societal pressure for us all to conform and socialize like everyone else. Isn't it possible that some of us are just not meant to be social beings? That our souls gather rejuvenation and peace from animals, the nature world, art, or other quiet elements of life? It's like we all have to fit into this box of proper social skills. Some of us just don't fit, and I'm tired of feeling shame about it. Everyone on this planet has flaws. We all carry traumas in one way or another. The people who are able to socialize well don't have it all figured out. In fact, I have noticed that many of them are self obsessed and need to be in the spotlight. They just get the benefit of society telling them that that's the right way to be.
We definitely have built a beautiful and supportive community here that 'gets it'. Glad you found us - you're always welcome here. Nothing to feel shame about! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Anna, you are such a gift to this world: where empathy meets motivation. Blessings to you and yours for 2023 and beyond!
Ok, now I really have to leave my apartment 🐻
Your solutions seem to involve going to events and taking part, but what if my "taking part" is not enough? The problem you describe of staying somewhat on the periphery, somewhat at arms' length in group dynamics still seems to continue even when I show up to social things.
I found my tribe. We meet once a month for hours. I love them, my family. It's just right for me.
MY PEACE IS "NOT BELONGING". I have no desire to try to belong anymore. I was disabled in a bad fall 6 years ago. My few friends and coworkers and many family members were MIA. After I recovered, some of those absent coworkers invited me to weekly lunches. Very quickly, for reasons I don't understand, they refused to tell me, I became their object of bullying. They played games for awhile, but, I stood up for myself. They kicked me to the curb and began a smear campaign that destroyed me. I blocked and avoided everyone. I leave my house once a week to get groceries. My husband is now retired, so he is my only consistent human contact. I will NEVER return to the world. My activities are limited. I love to read and paint and spend time with my husband & pets. My phone rarely rings. And, I like it like that. I'm going to be 62 this year, and I have all I need. I have a very strong faith in my Lord and he keeps me grounded. Thank you for your video. I pray it helps many.
You are the first person who gave a name to my feelings about being in groups. Next time I'm in that group setting I'll approach it with more understanding. Thank you!
It's extra fun when the group is officially for screw ups, but you still feel out of place! And by them, too! 🤪
hahaha with CPTSD we'll always be feeling a bit of that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, leave it to you to be able to pull off making my oddities seem less weird! You’re great. Thanks for all your wonderful videos. You are truly making a difference in the lives of people like me! Many
blessings to you & yours.
Your videos and wisdom are beyond helpful. Thank you!
You are so welcome
Right now I’m listening a second time but I can’t imagine myself getting out every other day and getting involved. I’m very isolated-have been for a long time. And I am a caregiver for mom and a grown son. Difficult to have any relationships. Completely isolated. It’s awful to live this way.
Our membership is a great start - lots of connection happening there bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks, Anna, what you say always rings so true. I bailed out of AA in my small town and a group of partner dancers. Not sure that I can meet with a group every other day but probably could 1-2x a week. I am so glad to have found your videos and the daily practice. Thanks.
I honestly don't think there's any healthy people out there anymore. Every group I've know the last five years is full of toxicity. Everyone is angry and looking to get mad about something. I've never been one to isolate but people just aren't fun anymore. Everyone's trauma is just boiling over and they're throwing it at everyone. I find so much joy in my own energy. I rarely find it with other people these days. But alas I think this too shall pass.
You are so, so right and I needed to hear this loud and clear. Thank you!