Signs You Weren't Listened to As a Child
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Kids are supposed to learn how to 'be" in the world from their parents. If you were ignored, you had to figure things out by yourself using a child's logic. If you tend to go into a stress response when you try to communicate (especially around your emotions and your boundaries), it could be a sign that you weren't listened to as a child. In this video I lay out several signs that are common in adults with CPTSD, and specifically, who weren't listened to when they were small.
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Getting names for my symptoms makes my symptoms normal. Yes! Like when you introduced the word "dysregulation" to me long before "most people" started talking about it. This whole video verbalizes my traits and symptoms in a way that makes me realize - I'm not the only one. THANK YOU!
No it does not make them "normal." Psychology defines "abnormal behavior." As someone who struggles with my own psychological deficiencies , I take NO comfort in knowing other people also have to suffer like I suffer.
@@anthonyfaiell3263... not helpful... we're all human. A diagnosis lets you know.. wow, I'm not the only person dealing with this. That can mean a lot
Well unfortunately lots of people still don't listen to me... If the sky was falling, they wouldn't listen. Even if it was something really important, they'd just brush it off.
That’s the biggest enlightenment for me. Others went thru it too.
I know a lot of people say this. I wish I could too.
I have a weirdly morbid curiosity for those topics (or not weird at all ! ) but knowing that so many labels of symptoms and disorders can be pinned on me makes me feel defeated and unsafe. Probably because my mother uses her knowledge of psychology as a weapon, and because I have been mistreated by several doctors under the pretense of taking care of said symptoms, with heavy consequences for my health...
So sometimes it helps. I can't not be curious and I'm thankful to find clear and precise explanations. But it's not really liberating as I wish it were.
Every time I talk about myself I feel like I'm lying. First I gave up talking about myself, then I gave up talking altogether.
I totally relate to the ‘I feel like I’m lying ‘
💗✍🏽 This is real.
😢
I feel the same way. I feel as if i have nothing to talk about anymore and attribute this to my introversion...
Omg me too, and you can see it in my face :-/
Watching this brought back a memory from when I was about 9 or 10. I had been taking piano lessons for about a year and my mom and my piano teacher got together and decided that I was going to play a song at church. I told my mom over and over that I was not good enough yet to do that. I wasn’t ready for something like that. She forced me to do it. I messed up the whole song, started over at least once, still messed it up throughout. When it was over - I can’t remember if I just quit in the middle or made it to the end - I sat in the pew behind my family and sobbed. There was a family that always sang at church and my sisters couldn’t stand those girls. None of my sisters said anything to me while I was crying, but one of the Jindra sisters came over, sat with me, and told me not to feel too bad, that most of the people in the room wouldn’t have had the courage to give it a try. I remember that part strongly - on the way home, nobody said a word. None of my sisters tried to help me, and my mom was just mortified that I had done that. My dad didn’t say anything either. I can still remember hearing myself cry and wondering why nobody is saying anything to make me feel better. If she would have just listened to me, she wouldn’t have had to feel embarrassed in front of all of the church ladies.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I have been learning a lot about my mom over the past years, since I have gotten several mental health diagnosis of which most come from our relationship. I see now that she was a narcissistic parent and when I look back on it, I see that I really embarrassed her in front of her audience. Nobody ever talked about it again. But it helps me to understand that is part of the reason why she never talked about me to the bridge ladies. I couldn’t pull my weight! My two middle sisters could, but the oldest and the youngest (me) were disappointments to her. This has caused so much pain in my life, sometimes I can’t even get a handle on what I am doing or if I am going the right way. I have felt lost for years.
@@YoureacashierI can completely relate to the pain caused by your relationship with your mother. I grew up Mormon and hated it but my mum was really strict about it and I had no choice but to tow the line (or at least outwardly look like I did) whilst I was dying inside.
It wasn’t necessarily the teachings of the religion but the way it was imposed on me by my mother.
I wrote a really long reply but decided to delete almost all of it because it was just too personal to share about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother but needless to say, I could give many examples just like yours of just how deeply upset, invalidated, rejected and shamed we can be made to feel by in many cases and especially as a child, the last person on earth who we should be able to trust not to.
As a mom myself,
I am rather shocked that the opinions of others, at that church, were more important to your parents, than what your feelings were. I know that if my son went through that, his shame and embarrassment would be far more important to me than even my own shame and embarrassment. It would also be more important than the opinions of others, and there would be nothing wrong with apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Sure it would be embarrassing and hard, it would also take a great deal of courage on my part, but those are the types of hardships that make you grow and improve as a parent.
Her parental instinct to protect her offspring from emotional harm, should have been the first thing on her mind. & If this kind of thing becomes a habit with her, then you should questioning her judgement a whole lot more.
What is it about piano lessons that bring out the mean in neglectful parents? This happened to me, too.
I’m so sorry about the car ride home. Nightmare.
Number 1 sign you weren't listened to as a child: No one listens to you as an adult. You end up carrying that energy and people pick up on it and the cycle continues.
I call it "Death by a thousand cuts". The emotional neglect. There was never a big thing I could point to as to why I felt so bad.
You just perfectly expressed what I've never been able to verbalize.
I wish this didn't feel so new or so true.
My chest hurts, now.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
same@@carlaeskelsen
Makes the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD
Same - being raised by a narcissist is like that
Give it time, and continue to work on any issues you have. I know from experience memories can be blocked until you are ready to deal with them.
Being fully seen and heard can feel like going from being a ghost to suddenly being real. Scary as hell because if you're fully seen and heard, it also feels like being a much bigger target.
So very well said!👻
Yes, being a target.
Because being noticed for many of us ended up being a punishment as a kid. So tragic
@@2xcrzkxk So true. The good news is that when we are adults we can change this. We don't have to continue the cycle. Fully stepping into life, into BEING is the safest most secure "place". This is a long, slow process and ongoing challenge and it's totally counterintuitive to the defensive structure's we built up for protection. Coming home to our self, with a sense of compassion and kindness is where we finally have some stability and safety.
Yes, the true solution is very couterintuitive.
Luke 17,33: "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it."
Wow, just wow. I am 61. I have had a recurring dream for 30 years where my parents are oblivious to my presence. I'm talking, then screaming and yelling and then throwing furniture. They don't see me or hear me. I always wake up exhausted and agitated. My childhood was one of neglect and emotional abuse. Both parents are now dead, but the wounds are still there with me. Thank you for this vlog today.
I have had the same kind of dreams on and off for most of my life, too. It's like no matter how much I try to scream, nothing comes out. I have no voice. It's probably an expression that comes from an extreme feeling of disempowerment or learned helplessness inflicted by parents who just don't give a rat's ass. It's good to know I'm not the only one.
Don't have the dream but had same parental experience! I'm 67 and just recently found Anna. It's good to finally understand you aren't a total failure!🤗
So sorry you experienced such a childhood. I have dreams like this all time too. Chasing my mom desperately trying to get her attention. Yelling louder and louder but she just gets further and further away. I was trafficked from age 2 into my 20's and abused in every way from uncles, adoptive father, his mother, their friends and my adoptive mother knew but did nothing. Nobody listened when I tried to tell them what was happening. We need to listen to these wounded parts of ourselves now and bring them home.
Same! I’m 70!! I feel Like I don’t DESERVE to be heard. Recently went back to therapy. My mother was cold and critical. I could never do anything right. When she died (at the same age I am now) I remember thinking “Now I’ll never get the chance to please her”
@Marianne Odell sounds like my mom ..when she died, I knew none of this, but I forgave her and had peace.
This explains why I stopped telling my parents my feelings. I felt like I was just told what I did wrong or how things could have been better if I had acted differently.
I wish you friends or a healing community where you can be listened to and listen to others.
Julie@TeamFairy
Exactly. No real comfort or validation. I always end up thinking, “why did I even open my mouth?”
same :(
I feel that 😢
I hear you and honour you 🥰
Middle of five, parents with emotionally distant parents. Whenever someone expresses genuine interest in my well-being, it takes everything I've got to not break down in tears. Even when I'm not sad, I just find the attention overwhelming.
I cannot cry anymore, even when I have reason to and/or want to. Even when at my daughter's wedding and everyone in teh family was openly crying, I couldn't shed a tear! What is WRONG with me? It seems like I just shut down somewhere along the way. My divorce maybe? But that was years ago.
Yes I feel overwhelmed too with kindness and attention.
Agreed
I desperately wanted the attention and validation but if given it..
I'm just as dumbfounded❤❤
@@93JubileeI am sorry to hear 🙁 I have been through it so I know the feeling... Today I am crying normally again. I believe and I wish this is going to change for you too🌷
This hit a nerve in me. Growing up around late teens, adults and chaos, I was very quiet (still am). It seemed like everyone around me was "dealing" with some drama and I was almost invisible. I do repeat myself, I talk fast so that I can get my story in before the person interrupts or becomes distracted or worse yet...changes the subject all of which annoy me and I just clam up. When someone does listen I always feel uncomfortable like I'm under a microscope or fear being dismissed or just sounding weird.
Omg I talk fast too so I won't be interrupted! 🥰
All of the above. Love, strength & healing to all of us 🙏💜
@@nattie911 Same. That struck a chord with me.
Ditto! And when someone does truly listen it's scary. I feel like their eyes are boring into me and it feels threatening. I used to think it was just something weird with a couple of people, with no clue that's what being attentive is - since I never knew any of that growling up.
my best friend ...listens to me ad nauseam. She's like an angel. She does it ALL the time, ANY time.
My mom wouldn’t just not listen to me - She would “play” what I called “The Conversation Game.” She would routinely analyze what I said in that she would verbally diagram any sentence uttered by me, systematically invalidate every word of that sentence thus rendering what I said moot in regard to the current conversation (usually argument) while simultaneously building an arsenal of my own words to use against me at a later time.
I learned from a very early age to keep my mouth shut, but when I really needed to say anything, it had to be facund and grammatically correct or else she’d berate and/or mock me. But because I was such a “quiet child” (later to become “taciturn teen”), she would often goad or bait me into speaking. If I didn’t speak when prompted, she would accuse me of challenging her authority, but if I spoke like a typical kid, I “proved” to my mom that I was either inarticulate (read “stupid”) or deliberately trying her patience (of which she had none).
I called it The Conversation Game because it felt a whole lot like she was playing some kind of cruel game with me wherein only she knew the rules of communication, but the rules seemed to change arbitrarily yet always in her favor and she seemed to always keep a running tally of points (brownie points? points of affection or acceptance? I never did find out).
As a kid, I could never win this game and by the time I moved away from home I had accrued an insurmountable deficit of “points”. I was about 21 when I actually “won” The Conversation Game for the first time by pointing out to Mom that she had violated one of her own previously stated rules to the game. I’ll let you imagine the narcissistic rage that followed.
I’m now 57 and I mostly keep to myself. But when I do speak or write, I’m still ultra careful about my choice of words and I edit myself constantly (It’s taken me hours to even write this). I often feel like when I have something to say, I have to over-explain myself by prefacing my main point with all kinds of backstory to set up proper context so that there is no question about my intention (as with this composition). Because of this, I tend to be a bit loquacious and I think that overwhelms people and subsequently shuts off their willingness to listen. The more they don’t listen, the more I either over-state my position or clam up completely and withdraw and isolate further from other humans.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Oh my God, that sounds like such cruel thing to do to your own child! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Wish you so much love and healing ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
You didn’t deserve this, I’m so sorry your mother acted like this. She was supposed to be your safe person whom you could confide in and be yourself around. She was supposed to uplift you and help you. And she did the opposite.
I feel this. My parents both did something similar, just without the grammar bit. They only listened to respond (invalidate) and never to understand, because they "knew what was right" and no mere child could possibly have a better perspective than them. Trying to make a point with them felt like being in court where the other side's attorney was also the judge.
I don't speak to them any more.
Heavens . What a toxic environment .
That story is awful, my mom used to play a similar game with me and I feel like I'm editing myself constantly, even as I speak I have like a back process picking the right words for what I'm trying to say.
For what is worth, you told your story perfectly. You deserve all the nonsense points, they're worthless and shouldn't exists but, if you're like me, they still hold some value (damn trauma)
When I tried to tell my dad how I was feeling, he would tell me, "No one cares how you feel." My mother split when I was 12, leaving me with my emotionally abusive father and his horrible family. My father allowed his family to emotionally abuse me as well, and if I said anything, he would always, always take their side. I was probably in my late 30's when I realized that making my own pediatrician appointments when I was sick at age 15 and hitchhiking to the appointment was truly child neglect.
Wow, yes it was neglect, both physical and emotional. You were extremely resourceful, however. Resourcefulness is the silver lining of the survival skills we have to develop. Thank you for sharing.
Julie@TeamFairy
I don't think that's negligence that you had to make your own appointments. I had to do this for myself and my siblings due to the fact that my family worked a lot... but at 15, I had a job too! That is just part of growing up...
@racheltyree4879
Did you not read the part where I had to hitchhike to the pediatrician? Did you hitchhike your younger siblings and yourself to places that you had to go to?
@@lesliesanderson7494That's awful. I'm kinda new here, and I am "glad" to see I'm not alone, but it sucks there are so many of us! I kinda wish I could have found this place sooner, but I hope we all get better. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad for you to be seen💝😇
Makes me think of my 17th birthday; it was really special because everyone forgot! I was left alone, and it was so nice🥰 I went to school, rode the bus after to pay for me & my brother's health insurance, walked my neighbor's dog, then did overnight babysitting. I didn't see my family for a whole 24hrs! It was great👍
Wow. I just realized now, at age 53, that making my own Drs apt and walking alone to his office while sick was child neglect. (I started doing that at age 12.)
Most odd is my revelation that my Doc knew this was happening and never said anything. His daughter was even in my class.
It seems the last few years have been constant revelations about doing things as a child far beyond my years.
No wonder I thought I was ready to move out promptly upon H.S. graduation.
I was routinely ignored through my entire childhood, belittled, and treated as the least child. I remember many different times I would try to talk to my parents, they would maybe glance at me, and then silently turn back to the TV. I drew a picture that I was very proud of in middle school and I rushed to show my parents as I didn't have many friends to share my joy with, my brother was nothing but an ass to me, and my sister ignored me as well. So I ran to them, I showed them, and they glanced at me and turned away. I was completely emotionally cut off by them. When my brother broke my things, punched me, and verbally abused me in horrid ways I tried to turn to my family, but they did nothing. They simply sighed and ignored me. I was completely on my own. It wasn't until I went to college and posted a picture of one my art pieces on my social media page that they told me they were shocked I could draw so well. It wasn't until I was 25 years old and working as a Correctional Officer on my own that they told me that they were shocked that I was smart. When I tried to confide in my brother over the things that happened to me he simply said, "That's an opinion." I could go on and on and on and on. There's not enough space on youtube to accommodate the stories.
We understand, so glad you found this channel.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy i am definitely going to try the free course out. My paranoia and trauma responses have been rly bad this last week....
Thank you for sharing your story. That sounds really hard. I imagine its hard to trust and be available in present relationships based on what was taught to you
I experienced similar.. I can understand you .. I wish you well and you can find a way to cope ...
After all the years growing up I wondered why my parents treated my siblings better than me. Just because I'm the baby in the family.
In my thirties my brother told me that my dad didn't think I could make anything of myself.
I had stuttering problems and was a late bloomer I was told.
Well you don't give up on kids you teach them give them a chance to do things.
Just like runt of the litter some of them grow to be bigger than their siblings and the best pet.
Anyways, sorry for rambling.
When someone listens to me and is unusually kind, I burst into tears. I never understood why I did this, but now I understand.
It's beautiful to be listened to and heard without judgement or interruption.
I always start to cry. I hope I get better of not crying when I'm listened to. I have to be professional in my job.
Yeah, I can relate. I remember being punched in the face at school. I didn't mind about the punch that much until a female classmate gave me attention and said that being punched was bad. I then cried my eyeballs out. Not because of the punch but because she was nice to me.
Here again I am not alone. I get a full throat and heart when I see people being especially nice and caring about each other. I even choked up when the police four-way cleared an intersection and blocked it so a helicopter could land and transport a small child who had fallen out of a second-story window to Children's Hospital in Oakland.
When someone does it to me, I narrow my eyes and am immediately on guard.
I remember saying to myself when I was young, "I will never forget how hard it is to be a child!" And I didn't.
Same here. And I see the children who struggle and it hurts. If I can intervene and help, I do in my line of work that is. Big hug to you and all of us struggling with this xx
I had a similar feeling as a child. In my case: I will never forget the screaming throughout the night. And I haven't.
Seems a lot of adults today conveniently forget that basic fact.
damn you matured so young which seems admirable but then I can see why, its sad. like .......i was an idiot as a kid and never even thought of the word child. but I had the privilege to do so because I wasnt forced to recognize awful circumstance. thats wild
You just said why I always chose to not have children. It sucked.
It’s scary how much I relate to this. I remember my parents always telling me that all I wanna do is argue, but what I really wanted was to be heard. Everything you said I feel the same. I cried while watching because I felt understood in a way that I didn’t think possible. Thank you for making this video! Hope to get therapy soon!
Thanks for sharing this. If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It can help. Julie@TeamFairy
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
The problem for me was when I started puberty and that I had a will of my own.
Heard this repeatedly to this day. Off course I will then stupidly try to explain to my mom that all animals enter puberty, not something I could help ☹
I find myself wanting to go get some ice cream, like a whole pint of it.
At 55 I still struggle with this! Nobody ever seems to want to listen to anything I have to say. I have learned to keep my voice calm most of the time, but I've also learned (the very hardest way) to keep any opinions to myself. Yes, I suppress a LOT of anger. I quit crying years ago - I think maybe I finally cried all the tears I have. I think one reason I LIKE cleaning my goat pens, chicken pens etc is because it's a great way to get out frustration - hard manual labor and sweat. I remember that I used to wish I was able to be the person who simply listens to people and didn't say anything - because no matter what I said, I was either completely ignored or treated like I must be some kind of moron. I'm told constantly how SMART I am... yet none of those people ever LISTEN to anything I have to say or follow any instructions I give them on things I KNOW about. Birthdays - I'm the middle child and remember that both my sisters got to celebrate birthdays, but I didn't get parties, or fun days like they did. I've always had to work 10x harder for EVERYTHING. I got straight A's at school and nothing was ever said. They would bring home a C or B on their report cards and it was a huge thing and much was made over it. I finally gave up doing homework, skipped a lot of classes, and still got awesome grades... but the remarks about no homework or missed classes on the report would bring me a lot of grief at home. There has simply never been any way for me to win. Now, I just do my own thing, my own way, and tend to shrug off any praise - too little to freaking late. I compete with myself because I can't win competing with anyone else. Heck! Even in jobs over the years, no matter how well I did, I was always asked to do more, do better, etc. If I got perfect inspections, instead of praise, I got more inspections - they had to keep looking for ways to find fault. Yep, I'm a mess. But now that I'm physically disabled, I don't have to work at a job anymore, and at home I can do things MY way at MY pace. Don't rush me, I have a disability.
Ok, sorry, had to vent there.
I vented HUGELY on another page, apologies for that. What we have to say needs to be vertablized and understood!
I heard you. 😊
I'm 66 and still struggling. Middle child also.
Lately it's as if I speak a different language. People DO NOT want to listen even to the simplest instructions without making me feel like I dont know what I'm talking about. My mom just died 2 days ago and the sisters are having a free for all with my emotions and are continuing the damage they have inflicted over the years but this time no mom to hold them accountable.
I know they are as perty as they present
This nearly brought me to tears. Everyone thought I was shy and while I am introverted I was always quiet because none of the adults in my life would listen to me. I'd be talking about my day and get interrupted by my mom or dad or another adult starting another conversation with someone else or telling me I'm lying when I knew I was telling the truth. So eventually I just stopped talking because clearly no one cared about what I had to say. I'm sure it also doesn't help that I lost my parents at 16 & 19, respectively.
You deserve good things in your life! Good for you for working toward that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is heartbreaking to hear. And I can relate in so many ways ❤️
🫂 if you're here you have already been deemed worthy. We forget but we stand in line where only one out of every three get to have a life at the time that they want.
The reason we arent supposed to give up is because so much planning goes into a lifetime. There's so many connections.
We plan our lives with our spirit guides and stand in line in order to show those plans to the Council of Elders who approve or disapprove of our plan.
So if you're here, you are meant to be here.
You dont know but you might be the vital piece in a very important plan. Just like that saying be nice to others because you may be entertaining Angels.
You never know when God may need you, but your soul will know and do what is needed. Like the butterfly effect, you could be in the right place at the right time to uplift someone else who may save mankind.
Maybe just this comment will change something for someone ? Don't give up. ❤
Oh how I envy the fortune of ur loss.
Much sympathy for your loss. Especially at that age. Many heartfelt hugs to you. xox
This is so accurate. I feel so drained hanging out with my friends because I spend as much time as possible just listening and asking questions, until they say “anyway, enough about me” then I proceed to speak as fast as possible, act neutral about whatever I say (even if something is seriously bothering me) while simultaneously over indulging on details.
I relate so much !
You described exactly what my life is every day.
It's pretty fucked up, I see you...❤❤❤
Sameee!!!
Sounds like me. Especially the speaking fast to get it all in.
This is unfortunately very relatable to me. When I was a child, my parents treated me like the least important person in the world. What absolute strangers felt or wanted was always more important that what I did, let alone anyone else in the family. They cheered when my cousin wouldn't let me talk or when something made me upset but when I ever did something that could upset anyone in any shape or form in their own imagination, I was heavily criticised for it. What I felt about anything was always argued to be unreasonable with a fanatical-like zeal to the point that my parents would even refuse to take me to the doctor when I fractured my collarbone. I have no idea why any parent would treat their children this way, even more so when I was a good kid that was a great student and didn't cause any real trouble.
As an adult, I feel inappropriate whenever I want anything from anyone even if my needs are the most reasonable. Almost any human interaction is stressful for me because I subconsciously fear being seen as unreasonable, no matter how reasonable I am. I hate asking people for anything. I failed at a university because I always hesitated asking for any kind help. I have no career prospects, no friends. I don't even fancy dating anyone because I subconsciosly fear being treated by my dates the same way as I was treated by my parents and thus a prospect of being someone's boyfriend or husband doesn't even seem attractive to me. I've always struggled with friendships because I've had serious troubles with group dynamics like you said in the video.
Totally relatable my friend. You’re not alone! ❤
I totally identify with this. Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m so sorry you experienced that 😢
It is possible to heal - don’t give up!
I’m truly sorry that your family made you feel so worthless. You aren’t. And your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
I’ve been trying to heal my own childhood traumas by journaling it all out. For me my trauma has stayed in my body, causing severe pain & illness. Journaling is my last effort to save myself for whatever amount of life I have left to live. If you haven’t tried journaling you really should. Don’t let any more of your life pass you by because of your past. You deserve to live your best life possible ❤
I’m so sorry you felt that way, I wanna hug you
This makes so much more sense why I have such a hard time keeping eye contact with people, especially "authority figures". I wasn't listened to and when someone actually pays attention to me, it makes me so uncomfortable and I overshare.
Sometimes I try to minimize or dismiss my childhood trauma because a lot of it was hidden very well, but then videos like this read me like a book and it’s comforting that I can’t deny what’s so obviously true.
The mental trauma is something you make yourself keep around until you confront it and give it a meaning. Giving things meanings is challenging if you in general feel to be out of purpose, though know that any meaning will suffice, no matter how non-sensical or stupid it is. You have to be catch-and-let-it-go with this kind of stuff. Those traumas will keep your mind heavy because you fail to address them. If you address, accept and give a meaning to your traumatic thoughts, i.e. an answer to why you thought it was such a good idea to burden your mind by keeping traumas around for so long, you are going to eventually run out of traumas to resolve. Then you are free to tackle deeper personality issues.
I was convinced ALL of what you described were character defaults and personal failings on a massive scale. Thank you for publishing this.
Perhaps they are common and even more prevalent in some other cultures. Narcissists found a kind of way out of it but next they bully (and rule !) the ones still in captivity.
Me too. Just hearing you and others saying similar things is truly a blessing. Thank you.
Absolutely agree with your comment. I really really REALLY needed to hear this video. I thought I was all of these things purely because of ME.
same I thought it was just my character, I didn't realize it was because of how my parents' behaviours affected me
This!!!!! Yes!!!! ❤
Throughout my upbringing, my parents consistently enforced the notion that "children are to be seen, not heard" or "the adults are talking, be quiet." They also often dismissed my emotions with phrases like "you're overreacting" or accused me of "lying for attention." These experiences made me feel unable to confide in them about anything. Even at 40 years old, I find myself keeping my life events and emotions to myself, as my parents remain largely unaware of who I truly am. Their constant insistence on silence has left me feeling disconnected from them, to the point where I believe it would make little difference to me if they were to pass away today. The accumulation of being told to suppress my thoughts and feelings has left me with a natural inclination to remain silent, even when the opportunity for open communication arises.
You see this a lot in ALCOHOLIC family situations. The true culprits in the abuse ARE THE GOVERNMENT AND THE ALCOHOL BARONS. Most of these abuses would NEVER have occurred if not for the alcohol that supplied so much money for the corrupt predators selling it
This was my experience too."Kids to be see and not heard". My father said that constantly.
I never talked to either of my parents about anything and they never asked. God forbid if I actually was upset or had a problem I couldn't solve on my own because I was shamed for even having the issue. Somehow it always had to be my fault. "Get over it."
I had no voice at all. In my adult life I've been talked over by everyone from my husband , mother, sister, friends colleagues, and told I'm too meek. Well I don't know how to speak up for myself. It's too risky to my emotional health to attempt it.
My sister helped me realize just how neglectful our parents were. Hearing this confirms everything she told me.
I wish my siblings saw the same thing. It’s like we had different parents. I was so emotionally neglected and ignored by my parents. I’m still not taken seriously and I’m 48yo. I went no contact and feel much better about myself. The childhood wounds are still there and im left to work on healing from them.
Yes I do get disregulated when people start listening to me. I start looking around for ulterior motives.
Brought me to tears. "Fighting to exist". Yes, It was a perpetual fight. Especially in the earliest years. My material needs were always fulfilled. But emotional ones - almost never. I learned to speak very early in life. I was able to speak correctly in full sentences before preschool. I don't mean to brag but I was a very intelligent child. But because of it I now see that I was forced to hide my emotions and/or quietly endure abuse at unusually early age - around 3 years old, I believe. When I was accused of doing things I didn't do, I was never believed that I wasn't the one. When I tried to defend myself, I was told off and hit. I learned that there is just no point. I could only cry by myself in the corner, away from my mother, so I wouldn't anger her any further...
So sorry that happened to you. It wasn't right to treat a kid like that. Your intelligence is a gift. Julie@TeamFairy
I'm 68 now and I can relate to what you said. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. She never listened to me and seemed to enjoy embarrassing me in front of people. When she died I felt relief but also sadness. She was my mother but I hated her.
That sounds hard! You’re in the right place.
-The Fairy Team
Same here x
I am curious if I will feel sadness. I already anticipate the relief.
When I started my first period, I had no protection. I came into the house with my two older sisters (we'd been at the drivein) who surely noticed it -- the stains were all my skirt, I was mortified! I walked into the kitchen with my sisters (didn't want to make greater notice by rushing to the bathroom) and my mother grabbed my skirt and, with a smile of incredulity, said, "Well Kate?" It was awful, like she didn't care, couldn't even rise to sympathy. I slipped into the bathroom and found something my oldest sister had left there, but all three of the women did not do one single thing to help!
@@93Jubileethat’s tough, poor younger you! I experienced similar, have never wanted to have children but I do sometimes imagine having a daughter or young person in my life that I could help guide through things like this. Childhood is such a whirlwind of feelings, friendships, peer pressure, growth, school, figuring out what kind of person you are… it would be lovely if more adults remembered this. Or maybe not everyone views it this way?
Whenever I would try to express how I felt, I was made fun of or ignored. I'm now 50 and 99% of the time I just keep my mouth shut. Most of the time I just feel that people don't care. I feel defeated.
I'm the same x
It's terrible, so sorry to hear that. Same in my family, made fun of, dominated and ridiculed , completely destructive for child to develop confidence and emotional balance.
Yup, I thought it would be most likely to grow up to be a quiet person if you were not listened to. I do talk, but other people seem to have so much more to say. I wait for the rare moments when they calm down and can finally listen. I have tried interrupting too, but usually on that route I get so tired of needing to interrupt several times that I give up.
We understand as few others can! I’m glad you’re here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@Liisa3139I agree with you. I feel like some people are introverted not because that’s how they truly are, but as a response to the trauma of being neglected.
I had to read aloud once in sixth grade and it was a particularly long section. Halfway through it felt like a dream. I was dissociating because I’d never talked for that long and had people listen to me. I wasn’t sure if I was even speaking or making noise at all.
Omg. You just made me remember that feeling. I knew it felt weird, but you just taught me that it was because I was never allowed to talk that long. Thanks for sharing.
I think this is the main reason I liked reciting so much. People just sit there and... listen. And the same with acting (in a school theatre :)); it was such a great environment for talking and listening (we modified all the plays we acted out to make them funnier and more relevant to the school environment). I'm rather introverted, but such performances were like antidote to the poison of neglect - often with hundreds of people sitting there and patiently waiting what we're going to do... and interacting in a non-disturbing way.
As a young teen I was told I was mean and nasty when I got angry. I was also told when expressing myself, my "stories" were too long. Also told to talk louder when I complained nobody listened to me, when everybody else was almost yelling and told it will be hard to be heard out in the world... I've never had to yell to be heard outside my family, lolll
Isn’t it wild when you realise that these communication issues don’t exist outside your family, and that even strangers treat you with more respect than they do? I’ve found it healing that lots of things I suspected were mistreatment when I was a child were exactly that, it means I’m not a horrible person
Once she mentioned the people pleasing, nice helpful person ... That is too relatable. I smile and laugh a lot because i am terrified that if i dont, who knows what awful horrible things will happen. I recognize its irrational to think like this, but it's still my go-to responses when around my parents.
Me too, instead of being quiet like others have said I became loud to be heard and seen. My parents were poor, but they acted like there was nothing was wrong when you were sick ir injured. You were never excused from your job at home, never taken care of. Only went to the doctor if they thought you might die. Also I had oral surgery at 16, they had to drill through my jaw and my mouth was so swollen I couldn't eat for days. No one took care of me, pain pills knocked me out and mom didn't make any food I could eat, she bought fruit juice!!! My brother had a simular surgery years before, she used a blender to make sure he had food
I was simply not allowed to talk. Dinner time was family time when my dad got to talk. He enjoyed telling me how ugly and worthless I was. I was not allowed to respond. He had a fist. If I asked questions I was demeaned as really stupid for not knowing the stuff I asked about. My ex husband of 20 years would just walk away from me when I tried to express myself. Talking about him was okay, especially compliments about him. My latest friend was a narcissist . . . and would talk about herself constantly. If I tried to talk, she would interrupt me unless I was talking about her. I feel more comfortable in being quet . . . an introvert . . . I am in my 70s and I just don't care anymore because I'm just tired of other people's drama.
❤️
I'm heartbroken you've never had a friend who values what you have to say. 😭
Hell is other people
I am so sorry that your life has been such a hellish experience.. I'm sorry too, that you have given up.. I do wish you had not. Sometimes, you cannot find what you are looking for close at hand. My own release came at sixteen when my father told me that I was going to start working as an Auxilliary nurse at a chest hospital where my mum also worked. I left school at fifteen and had a boyfriend that I was very fond of. I also had many jobs that were nondescript, mostly factory work and shop work. I had been fired twice for coming in late... Anyway, the thought Of working in a hospital did not thrill me at all..I had phobias about sickness.. I had to live in , and off I went... Even now I look back at my life in this environment as being a time when I finally found what was missing in my life..I had to face so many things that made me uncomfortable ..But eventually, I made it through... I was very happy there ..If only I had had sense in picking a partner !!!! I 'Had to get married" and the person I married was not a good person...No point in talking about all of that..I am 78 now , happily single, a person pleaser.. But, I am happy with who I am.. I know what I am good at, and generally, I like people, I also like my own company...Sorry to have gone on for so long... As I look back , perhaps getting out of my home was the best thing that ever happened to me .
I can certainly relate to a lot of your points, especially the one about when someone actually does listen to you and you don't know what to do with the attention. My 3rd grade teacher was an incredible listener. When she gave me her attention, it was as though I was the only one in the room with her and it actually felt a little disarming at first. I remember my last day of school before summer break and she was saying goodbye to the kids in her class as she was not returning for the next semester. My mom was there to pick me up and was standing in line with me to say goodbye to her. When it was my turn, I gave my teacher a hug and said, "thank you very much". As my mother and I walked away, she coldly said, "you never hug me like that!". Looking back at this, I realize that should have been my line.
The last sentence broke me.
@@bnm9292 ❤
All of these things have been bothering so terribly. It also made me realize how I speak to children. I make sure that I take my time with them. Really hear them out. My responses are usually something that gets a surprising reaction like "WOW! She knows how to speak kid!!!" I'm starting to realize it's not that at all. It's speaking in general. But also makes me realize as a culture that we do not treat children as people. Or maybe it is the environment I'm surrounded in.
So many adults have forgotten how to relate to kids. It sounds like you may have a gift for it. Yes, it should be more common, but it isn't!
Julie@TeamFairy
I was 33 year old when someone lovingly enlightened me that "No" was a complete sentence and a complete answer.
I learned to just shut up shut my door and hide I was safer all the way around from both parents.
All comes down to boundaries. If you were undernurtured as a child you will struggle to negotiate relationships and boundaries as an adult.
Abuse factors into the equation as well. I was a powder-keg of suppressed anger as an early adult, because my parents tolerate absolutely no expressions of anger towards them in any way. No matter how badly or unfairly they behaved. I’m in my 50s and still trying to unpack some of the anger I had to swallow as a child.
But you are right, healthy people can sense it…and the shy away from it. I never understood that until I got healthier and began to start to sense it in others. It’s so intense in some cases, I feel like I need to shower it off when I’m finished dealing with them.
But yes. Being treated in a healthy, loving way by someone--and giving someone you full, kind and undivided attention is an act of unconditional love-can be triggering.
Because it’s a painful reminder of what was denied to us as children…and it can punch a hole in the defenses that keep all that pain buried. So it can come rushing out like water from behind a failing dam.
Years ago, I would sometimes burst into tears when someone would be unreservedly kind and unconditionally approving of me. Until very recently it could occasionally cause me to shut down or freeze. Because you desperately want it…but not sure you deserve it…and you’re afraid that if you reach for it? It will be snatched away.
Thank you for expanding on what she said. Your words resonated with me as much as hers. ☺️
Yes, your last two parapraph ring true a lot. Sometimes when I get in touch with unconditional love through spiritual practice it comes with a lot of pain as well. Because of the stark contrast between my experience and ... the truth that we are unconditionally loveable.
Thank you for your further explanation.
Unconsciously hunger for love, never got it, then when love arrived, I became triggered, even argued with that person:" why do you love me? How dare you ?" I didn't know I feel worthless inside....
Probably that's why a Higher Power can be helpful in the recovery. As long as I believe the existence of the Higher Power, I will feel safe even if I am triggered. I can tell myself that the love from the Higher Power is there, no matter what.
Through the Higher Power, I can heal myself to a good enough level to accept love from another human being.
We all have different experiences, so hard to respond to anyone. I do identify with what you say... If anyone is randomly kind to me, I start to cry. What IS THAT? I'm very competent, independent, because I could never rely on anyone. But a stranger's random kindness and I am undone. A stranger passing the front of my office building saw the rain coming down heavy and my look of dismay. He had a large umbrella and walked me all the way to my train station. He turned to me and bowed. He just flew in from South Korea on business. I bowed and he left. I cried all the way home feeling regret for the empty experience of kindness in my life. Maybe he was teaching me how good it feels to not just be competent, but also spontaneously kind beyond expectation. It can change things in this world and in one's life.
@@suzibarlow3611 Avalokiteshvara. The Bodhisattva of Compassion (Buddhism). Whatever it is in our natures that we reject, never go away. They just operate in our lives from the shadows. We ignore the parts of us that want to rely on others, because we learned that the people around us could not be relied upon in some way (couldn’t rely on my parents to meet my emotional needs). So when someone meets those needs, that part of us grieves the loss of what we needed but never were given.
The flip side is also true. Someone expressing that part of us that we rejected can make us profoundly angry (How dare you…). For the longest time being around needy, demanding people would make me angry. As if I were thinking, “I had to suck it up and do without. Why should you get what I couldn’t get?”
Whenever we get dysregulated (overreact or under react/shutdown)…that’s where we’ve been damaged. Through neglect, abuse or both.
It wasn’t so much my mother, who was doing her best with what she knew, but to authority figures who blamed or ignored me for the unrelenting bullying I suffered as a child.
My mom basically raised us without acknowledging anything "bad". Whenever we were upset or had bad emotions, it was basically like they didnt exist. You cant be sad, you have to be happy!! Whenever me and my siblings really tried to open up about whatever we were going through, it would blow up into an argument of her yelling about how she doesnt understand why we felt bad (we were too young to have the words to explain it and she never taught us because we were supposed to always be happy) ans that we just had to "figure it out". Didnt realize just how much this damaged me and my siblings until recently and I do at least half of these things in this video. Not feeling heard for me is so distressing, especially when people misinterpret what Im trying to say and wont accept when i keep trying to explain. I always cry whenever someone really understands me and sees me but its so rare.
Omgosh, I'm so sorry 😔 Reminds me of the time I came home from school (3rd or 4th grade), and apparently I looked happy. My mom just absolutely demanded out of me what I was smiling about! Just reemed me like I had some sorta special thing, like had I won the lottery or something. I legit had a peaceful day at school. Just, people left me alone, I understood the teaching; just a nice, what other kids would see as a normal freaking day. She dramatized that situation so much I started with my fingers pulling my face down so I wouldn't have that happen again. I literally had like a Mona Lisa smile on my face; not dramatic at all. I will never forget that. Just practically ripped me a new one because I didn't come home miserable....???????????
@@gohawks3571 Wow we've sort of experienced the same thing, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm sorry that happened to you, it's so upsetting when your parents basically invalidate your natural emotions especially when that's all you grown up knowing :( they teach us that it's okay to be treated that way when it absolutely isn't. I hope you're doing okay ❤️
Filler words and being uncomfortable holding a silence can also come from a fear of being interrupted. Very helpful to know if being interrupted is a trigger for you.
"Fear of being interrupted" you wouldn't want to meet my sister then, she'll interrupt you every 5 seconds and I'm not even exaggerating because she will do it that often some days.
my grandfather was like this, and I'm still having to be attentive decades later to not overstep in a conversation just to get a full thought out for fear of not being able to
So much this. There is a linguistical plane of hell for people who can't effectively banter, cry foul of any perceived interruption, yet can't manage to understand the question response nature of an actual conversation and lack the self awareness to hold their breath until brain death completes it's process
I find being interrupted to be tedious and rude, so I just hold up my hand and say, "I'm talking."
Interruptions can be good thing. 30 seconds can be a nightmare if the one "holding the mic" is tedious af. In that case you want to be able to say "hey I would rather have you talk about this instead." Some people can monologue for minutes on end about the most boring stuff ever. Also, you want to have a counter measure against the people who either cannot let others speak or use speaking as social control measure. You know those basic women who think they are something just because they have a husband and kids i.e. completely full of ego air. Words should not be a control measure. They should be a fun, social way of conveying messages, emotions and aspirations. Keeping it free-flowing is useful
I keep my stories really short, so as not to extend people's patience, as I have a feeling of not being worth being listened to. In that way, I cut out certain details, and probably many of my stories/explanations don't make a lot of sense all the time
. Conversations with my ex-partner were 85% about them, now I have a boundary that I don't stay in situations where people don't take the time to listen to me.
"Not worth" being listened to. I can relate. But, I am recognizing my value.
I’ll never forget how it felt to learn how to talk to people once I took part in a group therapy program once I was in college.
That was the first time I actually felt like what I was saying mattered and that people were listening.
Not only do I remember not being listened to as a child, but the ones who didn't listen to me as a child still don't listen to me as an adult.
I recently had lunch with my 83 year old Mom and she said loudly to a table of ladies we had just met, “oh I am so USED TO being cut off when I speak!” Which of course is false; Mom
has always been the only one allowed to speak and I am interrupted corrected or scolded.
"Coping mechanisms are just crap at getting the results you're trying to get." 😀 Bingo.
I have fear of people who are really paying attention to me. I've realized that, when I was a child, and I had someone's attention, it wasn't good.
I have almost all of the other symptoms, too. 🙃
Thank you for imparting your experience, strength and hope. 💜
Sometimes I feel like you are speaking every single word to ME…like you’ve been in my home and spent time with my family!! 😔 You describe me to a ‘T’ in video after video!! I got the course last night and started the writing and meditating this morning!! ❤️ Keep doing what you’re doing!! There are people that NEED to hear this…and I need all the healing I can get!!! 🙌
15:20
It feels personal because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THAT STUFF. It is far from uncommon as even in the wealthy Western countries, the single family households raise over 20 % of all kids. The social-program-happy government workers have all the stats about it because those households are their social benefit program users they have a wealth of information about. Especially if you have the single-mom downbringing as a male, you know what the "full baggage" parenting package is like. A hint: all possible kinds of asocial or anti social, discomforting and non-fun experiences. The ugly part about being a male and a minority is that no one cares about how awful you feel. It's always "someone else's" responsibility.
I'm a U professor, women's circle leader, career musician. I came upon you by accident. You are so cute and quirky and bright, and you bring these gifts into your teaching. How could anybody leave the conversation when *you're* speaking? Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It's so right on.
I'm currently going through therapy for the deep childhood trauma which still affects my everyday life, and this video helped me to recognize that this Not-being-heard played a big role in how I developed as a person. Recently I told my therapist that I came to a conclusion that I may had persuaded myself that I'm shy and introverted person, that maybe I learned to behave this way because whenever I reached out to anyone in my family I felt as a nuisance, and ignored at best, ridiculed at worst. Your voice not being heard as a child can make you anxious, reclusive, and quiet, because no one had ever cared before, why should anyone care for you now. Also, I have a tendency to over-explain myself, whenever I have some specific need. I always need to have prepared at least three plausible arguments why I need this or that, before bringing it up at work, or with my partner, because me simply wanting a time for rest, or some help, always had to be justified. Otherwise it was ignored or dismissed...sorry for a long rant. Something clicked while I was watching this video
Between not being nurtured or listened to by either of my parents, and actually being ignored by my mother, I developed many of these traits. But I had no idea they were related until listening to your video. Now it makes perfect sense!!
I'm sorry you went thru that. I was ignored by my mother too, unless she was telling me her own marriage troubles and about violence inflicted on her. It is so damaging to be ignored and invalidated by your own mother as a child.❤
I think I was ignored by my mother too, I didn't realise until recently but I don't feel like I have much of a relationship with her.
@@Arya-cf7vuanother Truth came out, thanks! I've got "listening ears". I knew it wasn't good back then, she told me (everything, before I was eight) and he twisted reality even more. Now I experience ... .
I always feel unheard. Now i have an addiction to constantly learning about everything, so i always have something to contribute to the conversation. As a child i felt like i was always talked over like i wasnt speaking. And my feelings were always silenced or completly ignored. My dad thought i was stupid/ worthless for things i beleive and my mom always ignored , changed topic, or turned the convo about her feelings. I know they did their best, and as a parent i recognize the challenges now. As someone passionate about psychology, i recognize the damage from it. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
When I was a kid I received a lot of not so positive messages, descriptors, etc. that have affected me in one way or another. One recurrent one was, “Children are to be seen, but not heard,”. Now, that’s an epic way to encourage communication and make a child feel included and important, isn’t it?
That was as spoken many times at my grandparents house.....and " quit your crying or ill give you something to cry about"😮
@@lxraycatmaui2884 Yes. Heard that many times, too. Thing is, though, my parents (and probably your grandparents) thought that they were doing the right thing, I think. Looking back, my family was the epitome of dysfunctionality in many ways, but I don’t think that they knew any better; they thought that they were following the book! How sad is that?!
Same, we were told to go outside and play. I know my parents loved me and they did their best. But I never learned how to communicate with them. Or anyone I kept everything in and still do.
My dad used to say that!
Now, see, my parents CLAIMED that they were not like that… but none of their behavior adequately reflected that they wanted their children to be heard. They wanted to be agreed with and that’s it.
"It has a name, it's a thing, I'm not crazy, it's a common symptom" is what you've been able to do for myself and so many others with your body of work on CPTSD. Thank you Anna.
Am 61 years old and am finally (after years and years of therapy too) beginning to see the real effects of my dysfunctional, alcoholic upbringing. Where there was also physical abuse. To see it clearly and in a way that HELPS in my daily life, my heart, my self-esteem. Your videos have been a big part of my healing process - thank you.
I'm so happy to hear that! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Same here. I'm 62 and went through several therapists since my twenties, never really getting at what the problem is. It wasn't until just before the pandemic that I discovered Anna and Patrick Teahan's YT channels. The light finally came on, and though I've much still to do, I no longer feel like I'm shadow-boxing through life. Best wishes to you.
@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry - Aside from being emotionally abused as a child, I was also abused by several therapists. Very difficult to recover from abuse that comes from those whom one pays to trust.
I’ve been noticing a lot of these things about myself for years but when I’m in a social situation my nerves take over & these things become automatic. It’s not until I’m removed from the anxiety that I reflect (ok it’s more like obsessive dwelling) & I then feel intense shame & anger at myself that I can’t seem to change even tho I desperately want to. It’s so much easier to just avoid all social situations.
We understand, glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you. 😊
Spot on Anna! I was raised by parents who couldn’t handle their own lives let alone any “fussing” or nonsense from me (the words they used if I dared to speak). I’m sorry other good folks have experienced this, but it’s also good to know I’m not alone.
Very precisely summarized signs of CPTSD! I was a very jealous, sour kid back then. I envied every girl who wore pretty dresses and was pretty because I was constantly told I am an ugly duckling. I was not allowed to have long hair and hair braiding cuz my mom wants me to focus on studying (typical Asian mom). I grew up with low self-esteem, anxiety, and social phobia, beating myself up for every inch I was far away from "being good". I was vulnerable too much self-disclosure when talking about families and my friends just thought I was exaggerating. What a life after I have healed and looked back. Feel good to love and embrace myself
This hits a nerve for me, any time I feel the need to stand up for myself or set boundaries, even for fairly trivial things, I get into fight-or-flight mode and start shaking and sweating. I think it’s partly due to innate personality traits, I have always been a very shy and reserved person, but I think it may also be due to growing up with two brothers who tended to deal with their problems through shouting, and it didn’t help that my parents reciprocated with the same. So there were many instances growing up where there was some explosive situation going on in the house and I’d just wait quietly in the background for it to pass before even thinking about asking for something I needed.
When my grandfather died, I was about 7, and I tried to talk about it and ask questions I was told to shut up and go to your room. I have a thousand examples like that.
I'm sorry for the lost of your grandfather. Seven was such a young age to lost a loved one, l bet he was your first experience of death so any idiot would understand you would have questions and at seven years old too! Any questions I asked my mother were fobbed off or meet with "never you mind".
I learnt not to speak freely and spontaneously in order satisfy my curious mind when my Dad repeatedly shut me down e.g., on one occasion when I was about ten I asked a family friend whether he was Protestant (we were Catholic) and my Dad scolded me in front of our friend for asking such a 'rude question', I was so confused at the time (still am lol) why there was such a big deal about religion, it just didn't make any sense. I felt shame and enraged at my Dad (but unable to express it) for stamping down on my perfectly sound curiosity, he could be volatile and had a frightening loud voice which scared the hell out of me; it's no surprise that I find myself on high alert when confronted with or witnessing any overbearing authoritarian people/systems, which not surprisingly elicits my F U attitude towards them!
When I was little, I had nightmarish thoughts and anxieties that made me physically sick. Still happens, lol. My parents didn’t believe me and thought I was faking to miss school or whatever. They’d take me to the doctor and they’d find nothing. That just further made my parents disbelieve me and get angry. Even to this day I look like a lunatic when I’m at the doctor. I feel like I am in a harsh court, representing myself, panicking, trying to convince the doctors and nurses that I’m sick. I get strange looks. It wasn’t until I was probably in my forties that finally a doctor looked at me, puzzled, and said, “it’s ok, I believe you.” But I didn’t think he was being honest, just trying to calm me down. During COVID lockdown, I had a major organ removed because of cancer. My state almost stopped my surgery. Shows how much my guv loves me. I had to be alone for almost a week in the hospital. My wife of 30 had to drop me off in the dark. I had no family looking out for me when I was at my most vulnerable. After surgery I had some difficulty, as you can imagine, and I went into panic mode because a couple of my nurses weren’t listening to me, and I was suffering. I could tell I was just an annoying old guy to them, and not to be taken seriously. Finally, a new shift started, and I had the sweetest couple of angels for nurses. When I realized they were nice, I burst into tears, trying to explain what I needed, and one of them started rubbing my shoulder and cried with me. I apologized for crying and being so specific with my needs, for over sharing, and explained that my parents, especially my dad, never believed me when I was sick. One of the nurses, who looked like a kid, said she was glad I was being detailed, because it helped her do her job better. She blew my mind and I got the medicine I needed and felt so much better! That night, I would wake up occasionally, and one of them would be standing in line corner, looking at me. It really helped. The hospital had consolidated the psych ward onto the floor I was on, and for hours I could hear a poor man yelling, “oh dear Jesus, please help me!” It was horrific. The nurses kept apologizing that I could hear him. I just laid there praying for him and me. Sorry for over sharing.
Don’t apologize, you poured your sweet heart out here and it has been heard and felt. Please take care of yourself, you are loved by Jesus.
🙏🏻💙 Thank you for this- deep appreciation from UK. I can so relate to some of your emotions. Bless you and remember we’re all here for you 💙🙏🏻 x x
@@d.s.3741 thank you
@@joeybarszcz7717 thank you
@@sianmary1759 thank you
What a painful watch.
When I was growing up, it was all about my parents’ divorce. Holidays were about being carted from house to house so the adults could feel like good parents, and each of them assumed that needs were met at the other house. But going without was better than asking because the adults were stressed, angry, and fighting and the older siblings were all acting out - if I expressed anything, I was treated like a burden.
I remember being sat down and asked to understand why each parent needed to do more for the other child. That my grandparents needed to do more for my brothers, since my parents weren’t. That my dad and stepmom needed to do more for my half brother and stepbrothers, since they were all they had. That my mom and stepdad needed to do more for my stepsister, since her mom wasn’t doing much.
Of course I told them I understood. If I didn’t, I was a bad kid, and now I would be the problem. All through childhood I was the lowest priority in the room. I was left largely unattended and spent my childhood running around a 60 acre farm, ignored and never spoken to by the adults.
And then now they wonder why I don’t visit or call often. I don’t see any difference in how much we talk compared to childhood. They only notice because I’m not there to look at and proceed to ignore.
That's really sad. I'm glad you're free now.
My mom always had this weird habit of thinking I'm lying or exaggerating about stuff. Recently I opened up to her about my past drug use that I managed to hide from her and her response was "which drugs have you tried and don't exaggerate!" Why on gods green earth would I try to lie to my mom about trying more drugs than I actually have?? Don't even get me started on the time I tried opening up on my experience with CSA...
Never felt "heard" as a child. The only way to get through was brute force, anger, of which I was punished or my needs "taken away" for it. Was better then getting nothing which was the alternative. As an adult I often feel I'm not truly heard, so I learned to fawn or don't bother.
Thank you for your courageous and very accurate work. My childhood was beyond crappy. Since I was gifted and hard to reach, from fourth grade on, the school started just sending me to the library for parts of the day. Chewing through good literature and information, I resolved that my life would not be defined by my parents' awful choices. Spent five years teaching myself to play cello, as the school orchestra was the only group where I felt at home. However, I was socially and emotionally feral. Now I am 72 and have made almost every single mistake with people which you describe. With the results you describe. I especially appreciate you explaining limerence and abandonment melange, as I always wondered why others, even when stupid or wrong, know how to find sweethearts and rally allies. I have been in therapy several times and would have been so grateful to have these insights years ago. I spent most of my life overachieving, feeling that everyone else knew secrets I wasn't told, and getting admired, instead of loved. It pisses me off that I was unable to learn these things which would have made an enormous difference in my personal life. Thanks for this belated clarity. I am not finished yet! Light and love from the Netherlands🌷
That part about spending time overachieving and getting admired instead of loved. Man, that’s the realization that sends you REELING once you realize it. Certainly been there. Hits so hard and hurts so deeply.. you wonder where you went wrong and whether you were even deserving of love.
Sad and true. Thanks to Anna for an honest discussion. God is good and while it is late, it's never "too" late.
my two long-term relationships were with people who absolutely invalidated me and did not listen to a word I said. I would start out calmly, trying to express myself.
after the third time I would be jumping up and down screaming, trying to get my point across.
vulnerability would equal lashing out in anger. I remember when I finally made that connection.
and at 43 years old I finally figured out why I'm such an animated speaker. no one has ever listen to a word I say. at least no one in my inner family circle / partners. I also work in construction where I am the only woman, where I encounter men who don't listen to what women have to say.
I'm working on communicating more calmly now.
It's great you've been able to make that connection! Finding the balance between standing up for yourself and not lashing out can be tricky, but you're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm the youngest in my family and there's quite a bit of age gap. My verbal and reading skills developed pretty quickly. But eldest sibling would poke fun/bully me/complain to my mom about me talking too much. At the same time, I stammered. It was so painful having to watch my family make faces or shut me down because I spoke. Everything you mentioned in this video is so real! I have so much anger and resentment to work through for this and so many other things but I feel so seen, so understood! Thank you! I really can't thank you enough!
My mother would sit me down at the kitchen table and lecture me for HOURS. It was all about what a horrible person I was, and how horrible her life was due to me. She did that to my father as well. He would avoid being in the house at all costs, thus avoiding us kids as well. If my mother felt she wasn't "heard" after those hours....she would write letters to us. They were nicknamed "nastygrams" by me and my siblings. When we moved out, she would leave long messages on our answering machines. If we tried to talk to her, we were instantly dismissed, or got the uninterested nod of the head and comment, "That's nice", never once making eye contact. I've made it a point not to do those things to my children. My husband of 23 years ignores me most of the time, or tunes me out. Your videos of course bring back A LOT of not so nice childhood memories, but it does bring me greater understanding of why I react the way I do. And reading these comments, watching your videos...they make me feel less alone. I've struggled for years finding people that actually understood childhood trauma, living with parents that could careless if you were alive or dead, and the impact that has had.
You are not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I don’t hold anything against my parents, it was really hard for my mom to raise three kids. My dad was away in Afghanistan, fighting. She had to put the cereal on the lower shelf and teach me how to tie my shoes, because my brother and sister are twins, and they were only one year old. There’s a whole lot more to it than that, but I can see how I was largely not listened to enough. My mom has expressed over the years how hard that was for her to have to divert more of her attention to my brother and sister at my expense. but I can see that the pattern continued with both parents long after my brother and sister weren’t babies anymore. Thank you for this video. It’s been very eye-opening to the extent of how many causes of my trauma symptoms there are, and the diverse ways they present in my life
I feel for everyone in your family.
Making excuses for your parents can hinder your own development. Accept that your parents, too, can be selfish. By trying to pretend to be a "better person" and not holding your mother accountable for her primary care-taker responsibility failures, of her own children, no less, is bad and a major failure on her part. It does not have to be your failure too. Taking care of kids and partitioning time so that each one gets their share is not hard. Based on her telling you she feels sorry about focusing on other kids, is her admitting that there was selfish comfort and desire behind that outcome that she wants you, the disrespected party, to validate her for doing. No. Hold her accountable. Women do not do that stuff accidentally.
@@ihavenoson3384 This, so much this. I will never understand when people talk about sacrifices their parents made in having kids, especially more than one. If you can't actually put your attention, love and money towards that child, don't have them, especially don't have more.
Only case I get it is if someone was forced to have more kids, either physically or through various cultural pressures, but when they have a say in the matter, it's so frustrating. I feel so awful for the kids who are taught to think that sacrifice is normal in order to have kids. Finances matter, time matters. You don't just have kids because. They're humans who need the most love, care, attention and economic availability to have a good quality of life and if you can't provide that as a parent, don't have kids.
My mom made sacrifices, sacrifices she chose entirely. I had nothing to do with them. I didn't ruin her body, make us poor or choose my genetics. I don't owe her anything. No kid owes their parents anything because it's not a equal relationship and it never can be due to the nature of having no say in any part of it.
I think you can appreciate that a parent worked to get to a point where they could offer a quality of life to help the child's development, people who saved and made choices that they wouldn't resent to help that goal, because they wanted to guide a fellow human being into being a capable, intelligent and compassionate person. They wanted that journey and worked for it, but it's not owed, it doesn't even have to actually be appreciated if the person doesn't want to. But kids are primed to love and appreciate their parents as an instinct and through cultural reinforcement.
I am willing to be wrong, but people being negative about you giving your mom credit for owning up to faults is bugging me. Certainly you all deserved better attention, esp you. But I see you giving credit to your mom as a way to make it easier to forgive. She did do wrong. And she said she did. She should try to do differently from now on, but you can only control you. If we can't forgive, it's just acid burning in our own guts. Saying this from experience; I've tried forgiving, I've prayed for help forgiving. It seems like the closer someone was, the harder it is. I give less thought to my rapist than my mom. Both hurt me immensely, but my mom was supposed to care. If she could own up to things she did without having excuses, it sure would help me forgive her better. I'm glad your mom owned up to you. I hope we all can forgive & have the better lives we deserve 🤗💝😇
@@gohawks3571 You do not get it. That "mom" had all the power and privilege to make that kid have a childhood worth having. The fact that we are talking about it means she failed. Parents deserve no sympathy or compliments for screwing up as it was 100 % their choice of 1. bringing that person to life and 2. not providing a proper child-rearing experience. Also: 3. Kids do not get a second chance at having a decent childhood and a decent mom. And 4. Moms are not stupid and know what they are doing. You do not accidentally mess up your kid. If you have almost 20 years to raise a kid and fail to do so, that is almost always intentional.
Your parents' crappy nature does not have to turn into YOUR crappy future.
Realize that if someone does not hold its parents accountable, that person itself is the only one left to carry that experience of all-round failure. That is not fair on any level.
Not listened to in childhood? It still happens as an adult. I married my wife for two reasons: 1. She was frugal. 2. She let me finish expressing a thought before interrupting me.
I grew up with my mom's side of the family who practiced one-upmanship with a smile on their face. I was precocious, but if I said one thing about myself I had to listen to a long story about someone or something else who was better or worse. After my mom passed away, my dad remarried a "strong-willed" woman and my step-brother was also "strong-willed". She expected my dad, my brother, and myself to express ourselves, but she would be dismissive if we did. If I told the truth, it was a lie. If I lied, I told the truth, until she found out it was a lie. To this day, I hate so-called "strong-willed" people with a passion.
Even today, much of what you said described me perfectly. A counselor I had at one point simply told me that I had to "put myself out there." At 56 I still need to learn how to do that without a significant amount of stress and anxiety. I'm the guy who, in a group of friends am the guy they noticed hasn't said anything and when they finally give me the floor, I'm not sure what to say. When the conversation starts, everyone is talking except me. There's no space for me to say anything and no one is looking at me for me to even take a breath to start talking so they know I'm going to say something. I have to open and close my mouth and hold up my hand for a little while so they know I have something to say. I don't have a clue how to speak up in the middle of a conversation. Other people keep on talking and it's hard for me to form sentences while someone else is talking. When I was younger I had an IQ that required taking an advanced test to quantify it. The highest I tested was 172 on a test that only tested up to 175. It's not statistically reliable beyond that point. I'm usually the most educated and smartest person in the room - and the most ignored. Unless I engage in mass manipulation, which I figured out how to do in high school, intelligence is only worth something up to a point. I hide it to be sociable so that people aren't intimidated, but even that doesn't matter if people only pay attention to other people who have a false sense of confidence.
Pete Walker nails it and his book has changed my life at the ripe old age of 65. Too many years of suffering could have been eliminated had I read this early on in my early adult years. I made so many bad decisions and felt so insignificant for so long and would not have to. So now I move forward with new knowledge and can finally find some peace. Lots of work and practice ahead, but I have tools. Your work has also put me on the boat to healing. Thank you.
I have always known that "not being listed too" was a major problem of mine because the only true nightmares I have are me trying to talk with my family and they continually dismiss me. I get louder and louder until I'm screaming and they still just brush me off as, "oh, thats just Becka".
It's videos like this that truly help me start to heal. This resonated with me so much. Thank you.
Today is my birthday. I tried for 60 years to make others birthday good. I told everyone, for decades, leave me alone this one day of the year. No one listens, again today too... I will try to ruin everyone's birthday from now on. No more Mr. Nice Guy, as Alice Cooper said. Damn. Yes, been ignored by most everyone my entire life. Glad other people feel this... and no pauses, wow, this is best birthday present ever. Thank you all. Happy Happy Joy Joy to everyone.
Yup. Not only not listening but laughing at me trying to express myself. I would not even get angry, I would become clueless about my own feelings, swallowing them down. Fawning was the only way to cope with my narcissist mum. I only started to grow up for real after she died when I was 35. It has been a long journey recognising and expressing those feelings. It is still hard nearly 30 years later.
I had gotten rid of all these behaviors temporarily in my twenties. I was so happy and free from this but my mom got sick and I moved her in with me a few years ago and man my whole life is spiraling 🌀. I love her but moving back in now has taken me back
I am a peer. Having severe cptsd torture/ child sex trafficed /1970's cult targeted in ritualistic gang rape and the murder of one who tried to save me while my own mother held me by the shoulders so the leader would not kill me too. 40 years of recovery, over 18 peers from recovery killed themselves yet I live. Dis-regulation....a word, dear sister in this; you have given me words to explain what it is within me. My husband of 41 yrs is autistic this I find out only a year or so ago. The gift of autism kept his spirit while he stood by me all those flashbacks and years.
Peace to you. We are now watching together. As I learn about autism and he gains understanding into S. CPTSD . You are helping our marriage as well. Peace to you.
I'm sorry about your awful past, and so encouraged by the work you are doing now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m am so sorry of your past. God sent your husband to you as a gift.
I pray for your peace and happiness, Amen🙏
❤❤❤
You are a survivor.
This lady knows what she is talking about. She has experienced the issues and you can trust her. I get it too. Thanks for your work Crappy Childhood Fairy! xxx Also, yes, I have issues with people not listening (perceived) and I do repeat or yell or whatever. I know I'm just hearing my own traumas....
This made me cry so much. I remember being listened to when I was younger. But I am the oldest child, and as my siblings came along there was less time for my parents to listen to me. Plus, when I was about 8/9 my dad became this really angry, emotionally distant person, and he and my mom had serious issues. They were separated off and on until I was in 9th grade, and even after getting back together permenantly continued to have marital discord. So, being the oldest child I was having to listen to and take care of everyone else's problems, including my mom's, and, with a few exceptions, no one really ever asked me how I was doing. My grandparents and a few teachers were the only adults who really acted like they cared.
As an adult I still struggle because I am constantly being ignored, interrupted, forgotten, and "one-upped", even by people who claim they are my friends and love me. I often feel invisible.
You deserve good things in your life!
-The Fairy Team
My father was an abusive alcoholic, thankfully got sober after my brother and I were grown. I heard my mother muttering at times " I would be free of this if it wasn't for these kids." I understand why she said it, but at the time, I felt guilty for even existing. I was very quiet, tried to be the perfect daughter, get good grades, don't do anything to cause any problems, etc. My brother and I never had friends over to spend the night while growing up because of never knowing how my Dad would come home. I never spoke about it in school, this was long before school counselors in our school, so I never had anyone to talk to about my home life.
I developed deep seated anger, but kept it in, eating away at me. I'm almost 65, and I still have issues with anger, never feel at peace deep down, like I am always expecting something to happen and I have to be prepared for it.
My brother dealt with his childhood trauma by drinking and drug abuse, he said that he didn't know how to live straight. We lost him at 40 years old due to the damage that was done due to alcohol and drug abuse. He would be 68 this year, and I miss him terribly.
I've tried to explain three times to a therapist I have been seeing the last three months that her repeated late attendance to our sessions upsets me. She's been 30mins late since our first meeting which I actually rescheduled. I tried to move our times around thinking maybe the time i had chosen was inconvenient for her despite agreeing to meet and she still showed up late and I mean 30minutes late usually. The first time I brought it up, she said she usually has other clients to see before me and those sessions just like mine are unpredictable in terms of how long they'll go. I asked as a compromise for prior notification which she did for sometime but then quoted traffic and safety issues the last time I asked why I didnt get a notification that time. On our last session I challenged her to discuss the matter holistically instead of what had actually brought me in and what I got in response was so embarrassing, belittling, gaslighting, manipulative, blame-shifting and I could read facial expressions of disgust and irritation towards me off her face. I thanked her for her time, apologized for my own shortcomings especially where I seemed ro be over bearing and not understanding of her own situation and left.
I will quietly exercise "flight" by going ZERO CONTACT and I don't see myself seeking out therapy for sometime. This is the 6th and probably last therapist I will be interracting with. That's my response to not being heard. My older sister takes advantage of this too. And I have shut down from learned helplessness and exhaustion from aalways having to defend and fight for myself and rights in a relationship I believe should not be this difficult and invalidating. I just want to dissapear! I cannot speak up at work meetings because I feel muted already from my CPTSD and repeated adult trauma. Thank you for this video. Its helped me understand why.
What a crappy therapist! She didn't respect your time and I'm glad you dumped her. I don't know why she even has any clients if she's late causing her clients anxiety which is counter productive.
Thank you. The unwillingness to understand how her behaviour created anxiety was the final straw for me.
Hope you've found a new therapist. 30 min late to me is almost the whole session so I'd refute the fee and demand not be charged.
I will find one with time. We always did the hour, maybe even went overboard sometimes which again had an effect on my next schedules but I won't get into that. So I always paid the full amount. Thanks for your concern.
the "overly intense" part really spoke to me
but overall this video made me feel like I'm a burden to others bc i don't know how to deal with these problems. i thought some of my problems stemmed from my perfectionism, but it's this... i don't know how to feel about this, but I am grateful that you took the time and effort to make this video and talking about all of this
At 59, I am learning how to communicate with people without creeping them out. People saw me as fake when I was being nothing but nice. Hello! I rushed to get a word in and was angry when interrupted, especially by my mother. Her passing allowed me to confront these behaviors and change them. The “coaching” I got was always disappointment after the fact. I did not get corrections. I realize my mother was also neglected. But that does not change my childhood.
I have tried to teach my son any tips I have learned to set boundaries, to leave or get quiet time, to be angry yet appropriate, to talk about himself. I hope I broke the cycle, somewhat.
I still struggle with guilt when I'm sick and have to call off work or break plans. I do my best to care for myself and know it's what's best for me.
I didn't feel very listened to as a child and still feel ignored now as an adult,-even invisible at times.
Yes feeling invisible is awful on the one hand and comforting at the same time.
A little tip for all you lovely people: the technique that helped me so much emotionally is EFT tapping. It totally saved my inner peace during the pandemic, it releases anxiety, it relieves migraines, ... amazing. Super easy, I learned it on youtube, and I do it 2x a day for 10 minutes, to keep myself out of dysregulation. Love it. ❤ peace
Thank you for this reminder. I haven't used it in a long time & I'm glad to hear it helps keep you regulated. I need to bring it back into my life. Thank you again
🙏💙
Great tip, thank you so much.
Thank you. Yes, EFT is such a powerfully effective yet simple technique. I recommend everybody please try it. It brings such potent relief....the nearest thing to a miracle.
Saw videos on this at the height of the pandemic. Tried it and not sure it worked for me as I didn’t continue with it. I paint wall murals and stuff. I play in the garden or prune the heck out of my houseplants and propagate them and the cutting the plants and watching them grow into new plants just keeps me fascinated. I take long showers and brush my teeth it just releases some stress about just getting up and going in the morning until something shitty happens. Or I bake something like cupcakes, cookies, bread and over indulge. I have the cavities to prove it!
I definitely relate to the experience of fawning, while also not realizing that I had so much hidden anger that other people can sense. Telling short, sort of half-stories is another thing, because it's contending with pressure of someone possibly listening and feeling disjointed because talking about my life was such an unusual feeling.
Growing up and being embarrassed about my home life made me not want to ever reveal anything about myself.
Yes!!!" Emotional flashback ", knowing the name for the symptoms are a TOTAL LIFE changer !!😲😲
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm a very quiet person so when I talk I like to be listened to. As a kid I went for speech therapy because I used to talk too fast and never pronounced words correctly as a result. I'd learnt that I needed to get in what I needed to say before I was interrupted.
This therapist just put a piece of my soul back together. And made my world 10% less miserable. Subscribed.
I never had this when I was growing up. No one ever listens to me. My dad was a narcissist and always looked down on me. I could never express myself because my dad always threatened and silenced me. He always had a holier-than- thou attitude just because he was a vet. He never listen to me. He was also very abusive. My mom was never there. 😢 So when my dad died, the only thing that I felt was a little relief.
I never expressed anger and was never seen and heard, which I now see has damaging effect on my health and I also holds tons of resentment and spiteful feelings. Has created a big wall and separation between me and others.
I'm realizing more and more that the reason people don't listen to me (other than the undercurrent of insecurity and anger, the bragging, or the apologetic speed-talking when not embodying my best self), is because they have their own traumas and triggers.
To highlight this, I recently took a muscle testing course, and the teacher asked if any of us had negative emotions or beliefs that we wanted to test for. I said that I'd had a negative belief that my mother never listened to me as a child. I thought this was yet another histrionic and victimhood-ish tendency on my part. To my surprise, the teacher tested me and said, "you are correct. Your mother doesn't really listen to you." This was incredibly validating. But then he said, "I asked your body what to do about it, and the answer was 'who cares.'" Which is all too true. So, My mother, who, as a child, grew up being severely neglected, doesn't listen to me... Why am I surprised? And why even hold it against her? I'm working on not taking it so seriously when my mother, or others, don't listen to me. Easier said than done, but the daily practice is helping sort out those resentments.
I'm so glad you are doing the Daily Practice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's so hard -- but please try to give yourself credit for the insights
Mine not only doesn't listen but also loves to disparge me. (only gives attention to men with big cars)
I was adopted at age 6, and it wasn't until age 25 I felt like a family member really saw me & talked to me supportively. (I think there may have been a few people outside of my family who tried to offer that support- a guidance counsellor told me I would be OK despite my family, and I only understood that later.)
I remember that moment at age 25, I really appreciated this Aunt for having a bigger vision for my life than I'd ever had for myself! I was being given something that my adoptive family and sister had always taken for granted in themselves.
Two errors parents commonly make are: 1) assuming they already know what their child thinks rather than talking to them, and 2) focussing much on what they see as the child's negatives & failings, while offering no real wise listening or encouragement.
It's amazing this family had no insight that I arrived to them with a lot of damage, that this new family member was a person to help heal and grow rather than criticize relentlessly. So dumb.
But I see it now.
I'm so glad your aunt had the clarity, intelligence and boldness to give you vision and encouragement. You're right about those two parental errors. Your comment shows hard-earned wisdom. Thank you for sharing it.
Julie@TeamFairy
1. Its been my experience that most people don't listen to understand or help, but instead respond. It was something I struggled with at one point. Now I struggle to even talk unless I have to.
2. Not being listened to or completely heard took a darker turn for me. I realized not only can I not form lasting relationships with others. I don't really love anyone either with the exception of 4 people.
3. I'm constantly just wishing to find someone more like me that I can connect with because I believe that's the biggest or one of the biggest reasons for never really being listened to or heard. I've never met anyone like me. An instead of people trying to understand that for how painful and difficult that actually is...
I'm always told to embrace others differences, appreciate them.. I never said I didn't.
Or I'm told its highly unlikely I'll ever meet this person so I shouldn't desire it so much.
Again, people not listening to help or understand..just responding.
"Listening empathically was something that wasn't done enough for you." Wow, you nailed it. And as a result, i jump in with my story, instead of listening to theirs. This was eye-opening and I thank you. I had already noticed when people do that to me, that it doesn't feel good, and suddenly their story takes the stage, and they stop listening to mine. It helps to understand what's happening; I will try to stop doing that to others, although I'm not sure what to do about it when they're doing it to me.
You're wonderful Anna, with all of your healing insights; you are a godsend to our broken world and hurting people.
I’m sure Anna will want to read this. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is where Anna lost me. Telling a story to relate is how people on the Autism spectrum show their empathy, show that they were actively listening. We are sharing a bit of ourselves in response to you sharing yourself. We're trying to have a conversation.
@@AuntPadawan It comes across as a contest some times. "My story is worse than yours." One of my friends was sharing her worries about her husband having cancer again. Another person jumped in with "Well, my husband died" and talked at length about that instead.
@Christah9416 I agree. This is what’s called Penguin Pebbling; Neurodivergent or autistic people often share a similar story as their way of expressing empathy. Turn taking (knowing when to enter the conversation) is tricky. I often forget what I want to share if I wait too long. Like Anna said, you’re busy trying to think of some way to contribute. Showing sensitivity with the length and timing of the story is what I’m learning.
This is so recognizable for me. My husband had a crappy childhood with 2 narcissists and a sister that was the golden child. I recognize in him the agressive reaction when he thinks I don't listen, the constant repeating in conflict situations. Even after we have talked about an issue he keeps repeating his point. The social anxiety in groups is also there.
I told him several times that I think his style of conflict resolving is influenced by his upbringing but he thought otherwise. I guess I'm right about it after all. I understand the background but it is sometimes very hard to communicate. And for me it is frustrating to repeat a discussion all the time.
LOL!!!! Same. Two selfish people and the "golden" sister.
Repeating their point/concern back to them in a calm manner can help.
"OK, so what you are saying is..." and repeat back to them and get them to confirm.
Not saying, "yes, I heard you". or "yes, I know" or anything short like that as those are exactly the sort of things those who would ignore would say to dismiss so they do not *feel* heard.
repeating back literally tells them that you heard them.
@@Mike80528 Very helpful advice! Thanks a lot for sharing this.
I was an outspoken atheist my entire childhood and in a Mormon household. I had to laugh when I read the title of this video. There is perhaps no stronger force for keeping someone's ears glued shut than to tell them that their favorite fantasy isn't actually reality.
Over-sharing or not sharing at all. That’s me. Every emotion comes out as tears and I hate that about myself.
This is me. Then 23 years ago married a person who dismisses and avoids me worse tha. My parents ever did! Thought I was a terrible ANGRY person until I started understanding all this. Still with that husband but feel so sad. So resentfull and stuck. Not a good place.
Yes, I get disregulated when someone really listens to me. In fact I feel as though they are in my personal space and usually slowly backup. I suppose that has something to do with being yelled at so much.
I'm the same way and get so disregulated
My parents did their best, but damn, growing up as a middle kid with 3 siblings sure did leave me with a full overview of the behaviors you described. Thank you very much for your work :)
My parents "Also" did their best...
In every non-existent, shallow way possible. What a blessing it will be when my far to healthy dearly elderly evil mum goes like DNA dad did in 05.
I always think that the other person is not interested in what I'm saying, or I'm not interesting to listen to. As a result, my delivery is bad, and I continue to search for the right words to explain, then I feel awkward and people dismiss me. Yes! I talk fast, which probably is yet another turn off for people.
Speaking about the unspoken has really helped me process all of these parts of my life that are confusing. Thank you!
I realized the reason I get so angry when my children aren't listening to me is a trauma response to my whole life being told by my parents and siblings to shut up. Now that I understand that, I can actively fight that reflex to get angry when they are just being kids. We're figuring it out.