Life FEELS Chaotic To People with Childhood PTSD, But Control Isn't The Answer
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ค. 2023
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If you grew up with trauma, you are likely to have close relationships with both CONTROLLING people and OUT-OF-CONTROL people. Both cause problems, and both can drive you to have a overly-strong need to control relationships and situations (which drives people away). In this "best of" compilation, I highlight some of the ways that people with CPTSD develop control issues -- often without even knowing it -- and how you can learn to relax your grip on others' behaviors, and focus more fully on healing your own life.
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My therapist was in that law of attraction thing and told me that emdr and exercises and all that stuff that we were doing to heal didnt work because I didnt have faith and I wasnt trying. I burst out at her cried and she didnt even apologised but told me a crappy excuse why she said that. After some days I confronted her kindly for the thing thanked her for her help in some things and told her that I dont believe that a therapist should say some things and I quit therapy. I am not saying to anyone to quit therapy has done a lot of good to me but be careful what you accept in your mind as truth
Wow so sorry to hear this happened. It's so horrible to be vulnerable with a trusted person in a safe space only to end up having the opposite of a therapeutic experience. Hope you are doing better presently 🙏
@LawOfAssumptionForHer I've been in therapy on and off again since 2019. I can understand the logic behind your assessment, but your assertions are misguided and you're spreading misinformation, because none of what you said is true. No therapist is worth their license if they make the patient feel unsafe or hurt in the therapy space. It's the patient's journey to healing and figuratively speaking, they have wounds in their heart they're trying to heal. Should a doctor scold and punish a person who recently suffered a heart attack, despite taking medications and eating right? Maybe a comparison-fallacy, but otherwise I would encourage you to not be so judgmental towards people's suffering.
@LawOfAssumptionForHerhuh? When did he lash out?
As a therapist, it can be difficult to truly know how clients will “hear” what we have to say and can impact one person differently than the next. Communication is key and not taking everything anyone says as an absolute truth but as information that we can reflect on as individuals to decide for ourselves if we should integrate it into our psyche or not. If something my therapist says “hurts me” I’ll sit and reflect on what soft spot it’s touching on and why I’m having such a strong emotional reaction.
@@leomajor88…good advice.. for a pretty high functioning client.. take your hurt/confusion back to your therapist to process it, hopefully with care
Control might not be the final answer; it certainly doesn't help in moments of dysregulation. However, I have found that as I've taken control of various aspects of my life (sleep, diet/exercise, career, time management), the frequency with which I get triggered has greatly decreased-and my satisfaction with my life and most of my relationships has increased. Still trying to figure out that last little bit.
Yes, developing self-control, internal boundaries (putting limits on my own behaviour with others), having routines, being organised, all the things you mention have been great for my healing. I think CCF is just talking about trying to control other people, which is futile and damaging, bit I haven't watched the whole video yet
Yes I am struggling with my life and feeling so lost and it's so difficult because all I have is me and feels like I do need to take control of my life in all these ways you mention and more . And I'm even having difficulty doing that..
My people pleasing is definitely pathological, definitely something I'm not fully in control of. And it truly traps you at a certain point, where you forget who you actually are, and you don't know how to get out of your self-made prison cell anymore.
It does feel like a prison but there is a way out, glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omg this is eye opening for me.
"This is not love, this is consumption" What a mike drop moment. Open your eyes peeps
@@VTUL92 Opening and seeing clearer! 🙌🏽❤️
I really love these long 'Best of the Fairy' videos, thank you for making them ❤
So much wisdom here!
Glad you like them!
My sister has this thing of having drama after drama after drama. She calls me for each one, usually every week there is a drama at work or with a guy or even her son. It seems she finds anything or USES anything to complain about. Lately, after decades of hearing the dramas sometimes in the wee hours of the night, I've been having a hard time not blowing up at her to stop making me her emotional pin cushion. She always needed to dissect things in detail verbatim and this would take hours out of my day. Recently she started calling me first thing in the morning or super late at night to cry and complain about her son or such. It was the same narrative "so-and-so did this to me!!!" I began to be livid when she'd complain about her son because I could see all the errors in her parenting: the conditional loving, the rejection towards him, the control and high expectations causing him to shut down and withdraw. It was painful to watch to see how she was repeating the errors of our parents.
I say all this because sometimes people with CPTSD take advantage of others in their lives. There is someone there who has always been there until they wake up and realize "Hey, you've been taking years of energy and bringing drama to my life." I told her she has spent years in therapy and spent years having a listening ear that by this time she should have some emotional regulation techniques down where she can regulate herself.
I feel bad that I lost my cool. I wish I handled it better but I think that whole "they did this to me" keeps replaying as the narrative of my childhood. When we were kids she would do things to provoke or irritate me... no one would regulate this behavior and she grew up to betray and take.
I am so done with her. Just because we are sisters does not mean we were ever meant to be friends. Hey, our parents weren't even compatible.
Broooo , this is sooo fcuking true 🤔 This shit happens with men who grow up in single mother household too. Their mom makes them emotional punching bag
In addition to limerence, I suffered depersonalisation. I fantasised I was my dream boy’s object of desire as I couldn’t imagine myself being with someone i idolised. Often times I would dream of the guy of my dreams was holding hands with another girl and how i wished I was her- I have no idea how being raised by a narc led me to feel so unlove worthy. I suffered racism as a child as well
That's me exactly
Glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much. So glad i found your channel x
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy funny thing happened, I was writing a comment to you & 💡🤯 realized I was fawning!! Wow so powerful once you’ve gained knowledge. Any who just wanted to say great job on your videos 😊
Me to, the content of this channel is so helpful.
So glad I found this content. Cptsd makes you feel like you’ve trapped yourself within yourself. Want to experience life but you hold yourself hostage. I self isolate and hate it.
Anna, you are the most loving and safe place for your followers who are struggling and suffering. I am forever grateful for your gentle and direct teaching. I am loving even more lately how you lead by example and I just keep thinking - wow! This is what a healthy beautiful woman, friend, mother, leader, speaker looks like.
I know I can do this too, but sometimes I just want to shake some people to change. Then I hear your sweet voice responding to letters with peace and love and goodness, and how you answered my questions with grace, not chastising. You are more than a fairy, you are a divine gift. 🙏
What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it!
Nika@TeamFairy
Your titles alone trigger me. But you are right. I'm learning from you.
Another GREAT video! I have noticed lately that MANY people in our culture, both in my personal life and especially on social media, are addicted to giving unsolicited advice. Absolute strangers will do it, apropos of NOTHING. Even when I am talking about nothing personal, I am not expressing a problem, absolute strangers who know nothing about me will use ANY excuse to swoop in and give me instructions and advice. It's horrifying! I have been wondering, for the longest time, WHAT is causing this. I had not realized that it is an expression of a desire to CONTROL. WOW. that is mindblowing. I wondered why I have such a strong reaction to the unsolicited advice and now it is clear. It really IS inappropriate. And it is a HOSTILE act, for someone to push across my personal boundary and try to direct me. I am 69 years old and have managed to support myself and do some interesting things, despite CPTSD and borderline austism. I don't smoke or take drugs or drink. Aside from being a little on the fluffy side, I am a woman of good self control. I feel supported by this video in my desire NOT to be given unsolicited advice.
Hearing Martin describe his perspective in the toxic relationship he tried and tried to put an end to with Angela was difficult for me. Usually, when I watch your videos, I can identify with most of the symptoms of CPTSD and have identified with the people whose letters you read. This was the first time that was not the case. Instead of identifying with Martin, I listened in panic as you read the actions carried out by Angela, because I have been stuck in that pattern of controlling behaviors without realizing that was what it looked like to the other person. In fact, right now I am in the grieving process for a very close friendship that I ruined with excessive text messaging and not respecting boundaries. It happens when I have borderline episodes (I have a BPD diagnosis and have been in therapy for over a year making good progress.) I won't go into the details, but I do want to provide some perspective on the feelings driving those controlling behaviors and my thoughts on the types of traumatic events that the behavior is born from.
For me, being ignored is a trigger that is very difficult to cope with. Whenever I feel like someone, especially someone I am close to, is ignoring me, whether real or perceived, my fear of abandonment and sensitivity to rejection flare up and my amygdala goes to work spinning up dysregulated emotional responses. Before I know it, I have sent a number of long, wordy, increasingly mean texts to the person, growing more desperate to provoke a response so that I feel acknowledged and that I matter enough to justify a simple reply. It's like I am outside my body watching myself type these messages, sending, waiting, waiting, growing more angry, and starting another volley in the one-sided war of words, but I can't seem to stop myself. My brain is not listening to reason. It's hurt and wants to make the hurt stop or hurt back. I feel true remorse for my words and actions when eventually he does respond saying he doesn't hold his phone glued to his hand all day, so he didn't see my messages. Except when we hang out, which until recently was a lot, his phone never leaves his hand. When he's here, he never seems to stop scrolling through, typing to other people, and paying attention to his device, so my brain takes note of a perceived deceit that will act as fuel in the next episode.
I was reaching out in an act of desperation when he went silent and blocked me everywhere. I didn't recognize my actions were controlling. They just felt like what any rational, reasonable person who experienced the unfair and unwanted dissolution of a friendship would do in order to try and fix things. Now that I heard your response to Martin, I am embarrassed, mortified, even. My former friend was my favorite person. I never wanted to cause him so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I did makes me very sad. My heart wants to reach out to apologize and to tell him that I realize now what his experience must have been, but since he demanded no contact, I am trying my best to respect that, so I won't. But ouch. This one bites.
It is interesting to hear your thoughts. I am totally wary of people with cluster B personalities. You seem to have insight so I gather you are closer to the traits end of the spectrum. Remorse is not doing those behaviours again and making amends. Do you feel you can control those things in the future or not? I am really interested to hear your perspective. I listened to a therapist who said people with traits of have to work really hard to stay there but they can be successful. Well done for taking responsibility and I hope you get some relief and develop good relationships in the future.
The fact that his phone never left his hand when he was with you tells me he was already disrespectful to you. And it's 100% rational for you to assume that he had his phone when he's not with you, since he can't put it down when he is with you. He sounds like a really rude person. I'm sorry he treated you badly.
It's been 6 months since you wrote this, I hope you're doing well and still growing.
I just wanted to say I understand. I've been on both sides of this relationship and it's exhausting on both ends. I didn't recognize how bad it had been until a few years ago, listening to this kind of content.
It's horrifying to hear and really recognize what we did, but know what? We're actively learning how to be better. We came from crappy circumstances and didn't have good modeling.
It really sucks that we hurt other people in our hurt, and being a hurt person myself, I know the best way to apologize to someone I've really hurt is to just leave them be. Maybe in a couple years, if there's an organic meeting, we can apologize for being crappy, but the best way for them to see we've changed is to actually see it, words won't fix it.
Best of luck. We're doing better every day, try to not get stuck in the past ❤
I’m an anxious-avoidant, and I have a long history of people pleasing. Coming from a dysfunctional enmeshed family, I’m definitely used to “crap-fitting” in my relationship. My history of people pleasing was never out of “you should do this for me and I expect all of this back and now I’m mad because you didn’t”, it came from avoidance of my own emotional needs. At a young age i was the caregiver of my family, other words the “enabler” of unhealthy behaviors. Being parentefied and taking care of both my mom and brothers emotional needs, my nervous system is “built” to always be there for others and self-sacrifice. I truly love being their for people, I am a naturally supportive person- but I definitely have an unhealthy balance. I’ve built all of my close friendships with this dynamic, and now I’m in a period where I have no friends. But thank God, it’s what I need to actually focus on my triggers, the unhealthy dynamic, self-abandonment. There’s sooo many other things I’m working on outside of people pleasing 😅 (as well as my new problem with aggression), but it’s all journey. Sending me love 💕 and all of us here
I feel like I'm the perpetrator of some of these bad behaviours in my relationship. It's a tough pill to swallow, but a lot of the behaviours listed at the start of the video really clicked with me. I'm at the point in my 8 year relationship where this could be the end of things if I'm unable to heal and sort out some of my CPTSD.
I feel as though I've done 2 steps forward 1 step back the entire time and it's been extremely difficult to make changes last, especially with certain behaviours.
She's been healing a lot of her own trauma and is coming to her own and I'm actually really happy that she's at a place where she can call me on my bullshit and behaviours that I've rarely noticed and sometimes disregarded. It's actually helped me gain better perspective and it's helped both of us be more honest with each other. I feel like the loose end though, like a lost cause to be honest. I've come to a sad realisation that I've really caused her a lot of pain over the years, and I'm struggling to see how I can better myself. It's been very difficult.
I will appreciate any and all feedback, thank you for reading.
HI everyone. One of my patterns is attaching too much importance to things: because people are not reliable in my early experience....my beloved friend and children's' stepdad died after his covid jab, I am trying to sift though his stuff today, I know that you know how hard this is, and I value your support.
I'm so sorry for your loss!
Your final recommendation for Sandra to open her heart is so good❣️ I have done a lot of intellectual analyses of myself, my family & others without opening up my heart. As I've opened my heart & worked on being truly myself life has gotten better. Healthy boundaries feel better than trying to control or be controlled ❤
Good advice. Gotta hold that mirror up to myself. 👍
I was in a recovery support group when a member was describing his PTSD symptoms and most of them were what I had been suffering from. I mentioned how he was describing me and he blew up! “You haven’t had someone die next to you. You weren’t about to die…” It was a pretty hot trigger for me, fortunately I had some therapy at this point and replied, “I get it, you were near death and I had a crappy mom.”
Later I heard about C-PTSD and how it is a lot like PTSD.
Yes, so much more is known now. I'm impressed you handled that outburst so well! Being invalidated can be so hard.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks, I had just heard someone in a teaching session say, “Your opinion does not negate my experience.” A lot of times both people can be right from their point of view.
Loads of valuable information on areas that I can relate to in myself and my life and experiences so closely. Thank you so much for what you do to help us.
Companionship, praise, inclusion in the group -- so much people pleasing manipulation on my part, I can see.
I was obsessed with someone for 10 years. I still get obsessive thoughts about her and I recently started labelling them as 'pathetic' which is probably not the best word to use but even though I know it's rooted in limerence I still have certain feelings and thoughts that rise up. I realize I don't even know who she is anymore and she really is just an idea of 'love' I've made up in my head. It's depressing and embarrassing and I still can't open myself up to new love because I was heartbroken for years and my trust issues are through the roof - but I just want to say, no one is alone in this and be patient with yourself on the journey. Don't let it last for years if you can help it!
how are you doing now?
Please suggest how a compassionate, sovereign person can respond to a CPTSD partner in situations like this. You describe my mom exactly. Bit by bit your insights validate/free me from my past. I feel lighter. ❤
I am so proud of you. You are Brave and someone to emulate. Blessings
Breaking down the different types of control was really helpful...it is so easy to focus on the obvious types of control but those more subtle forms stop being subtle once you have brought attention to them. really inciteful...I can see some that I used to do and I am not a controlling person by normal standards but I never realised how a lack of boundaries can often be a form of controlling behaviour.
Boundaries are very important 😢
Oh my goodness! I do all these things and never identified as a control freak. Gasp! I figured it was all my own lack of being able to follow through and be on time…being adhd. Ok will definitely knock out these patterns for 2024 and beyond!!!
Thank you CCHF. 🙏
This letter reminds me of my narcissist ex. I didnt even go back to take my things when I left him. I went no contact and it was the best desicion that I took in my life. James if you see this comment please run away from this person. You cant change him
Listen to this lady she knows what she talks about
Thank you for all the time you put into helping us. I have learned so much. ❤
me: sheepishly looking around the room acting like I don't do everything in that intro 😅
Most of those behaviors are basically second-nature in my family. I think it might even be second nature in the church and culture I grew up in. I also wonder if CPTSD+ASD is complicating healing because I'm not sure I even understand what healthy alternatives are even after learning to let go of triggers. Might need more examples
With less fear and resentment, healthier options show up :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
That's me all over. People pleasing is killing me.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My daughter's father would say he would be whatever I called him. That I was responsible for my own reality. That I must like being tired and depressed.
I am so thankful to have found your channel 🙏🏽❤️
So glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy me too! I've been learning and writing down so much just from the couple videos of yours I've seen since yesterday. So very thankful to have found your channel and thank you for being so transparent and sharing what you've learned with us (me ❤️).
I want to thank you . There is so much..I will come back to this again
You are such a blessing. We thank God for you
Great content and informative videos, even the comments section is chock full of life experience and knowledge!
Hello CCF! Thank you for creating your videos. So appreciated. Finally a language I understand.
I'm so happy to hear that! Welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I remember being upset of people not wanting to listen my rants, but then I realized I am also not responsible for their feelings and don't have to listen to them and support them emotionally (but can, in other words, that caring about others is voluntary, not mandatory - unless I accepted the responsibility, as in the case of children, girlfriend etc. but that's a question of integrity - I got these two concepts mingled togheter and this was the source of confusion: "I don't want to care about everyone but I also don't want to be irresponsible"). This was one of the most relieving and liberating point in my life.
I am still suffering the need of caring about everything and everyone or feeling guilt when I don't but it's getting better over time.
It's striking how our families can make us mentally blind - it's like learning to walk again, even harder since this is way more subtle...
I always enjoy when she gives tough love! This is another incredible video!
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! -Calista@TeamFairy
I noticed I will do the silent treatment thing when I know they want me to agree or just go along. if I don’t I’m told I’m just difficult so I prefer to say nothing so there is no debate. I don’t know how to debate so I just go silent
You are a genius Anna, glad I found your channel.
I have so much sadness for James. His story is so close to my heart. I had similar experiences with a feeling of helplesness and the only thing that pulled me out of a horrific relationship was my intention to protect my children. Basically, it's my kid that saved me...
This was a fantastic episode 🎉! I would have tons of material for you to go through from my just ending (yes those toxic ones never just end) relationship. You could return to Hollywood and have standup material for the rest of your life 😂.
Empowered goods 💪 yes! Every human being is damaged goods, but we can now be empowered goods ❤️ love that!
Awesome video thank you ❤
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for helping so many people
Excellent insights I wish more people hear about it
Thats why im better off getting a dog. Thats unconditional love.
A list of things to look for and to work on… I want to be a better person and a better friend.
Is it unreasonable to assume that because you listen to another person cry and share their issues (some very severe) and support them, that when they are stable and happy I can share a much less severe issue without being shut down, dismissed, or criticized in an aggressive and nonconstructive way?
Pure Gold….💛💛💛💛💛ty Anna!!🌺🩷🌺🩷🌺🩷
My narc mother constantly kept me and other people waiting , she could never be in time, she slept all the time. The sense of entitlement and her unrealistic expectations of others made me and other family members to excommunicate her. No contact is best with these types, they do not change.
Loneliness sucks, but, it makes me not try, when I hear the complications dating, & relationships can bring. I feel super anxious, not a nice feeling either.
I thought I had it rough being ostracized without that being acknowledged and also demeaned, assaulted plus neglected, in my family but this person's damage is really deep. Mom being MBP for starters. Whew!
I wish I heard all that wisdom about people pleasing a couple years ago... would've saved some years of frustration, some grey hair. Still better late than never.
as i said i am 74 too old but thank you for the first time in my life i get why i have done the things i have done and why things have hurt me so much and why i have been so afraid.thank you
for seeing most og all that i M not a weak person or someone who was not unlovable or of no value..
how i wanted someone else to not feel that way
but it was at some point i could only do that for myself.
i wish i had found you sooner way sooner.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Don't be discourage by your age and try Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, she uses it to this day, and she recommends it as a good tool that can help with getting regulated: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
i was fearful of dating anyone . some times talking to others. because of trust issues,threads,not my traditional indian culture. but like living with parents some time feel these things.your help is so nice
I do a lot of this controlling stuff. I don’t know what else to do for my sister who is repeating the same dysfunctional actions and avoiding responsibility but calling me to vent constantly about it all, my go to is to mention that she get actual help, that she get a therapist, that she actually work on those things, but this says that that’s like a controlling thing.
So what should I do? Just say not to come to me anymore because I’m too drained to listen to all of these things constantly happening to her that she’s doing nothing about?
That's a tricky situation, and I've been in exactly that predicament with my sibling. There's no perfect answer, but Daily Practice can help with your own feelings about it and to get clarity: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
I've always been curious about how some ppl who come home from war suffer from/with PTSD while others, who have experienced the same things, don't. Perhaps the same could be true with cPTSD 🤷♀
About Sandra's story, I relate in how she has severely disconnected with the trauma and emotions she experienced by just living in her head and how this has possibly numbed her ability to be sensitively aware and empathic to other's experiences of their sufferings. Disconnecting emotionally from trauma is a survival and a maladaptive but necessary coping technique that I mastered but was Completely unaware I was doing for yeeeeeears! I too was/am highly critical and controlling.
There's the neurodivergence you mentioned, Anna, more specifically falling on the autistic spectrum that is a possibility.
There's that or, Sandra is one of "those" who come home from war mentally sound and able too readjust to their environments.
The mind is a curious thing.
I went through something very similar to Martin. I'm still not over it. She really messed me up and idk if I'll ever be able to love another person like I loved her.
1:19:01 Anna. I can answer yes to so much here. I was in a trauma bond and left him last year and still I go to his house. We are both better off not living together, and we are still trauma bonded. I do feel however a little more uplifted and support, basically because the way he provided for me was what I needed as a kid. He was sweet enough to buy me an old car that was the year I graduated high school, and he moved us into a house. He’s more like a father figure.
Even though I definitely have cptsd, this is the struggle I've had the most with OTHER people who have it. I have a need to manage my own life but keep running into other people who need to control people around them. It has been a constant battle and one of the biggest sources of stress in my life.
Thanks, Anna, for yet again, another great video. I like how you talked about resisting the urge to give advice (something I have to work on). But, what does one say when you have a friend who is constantly complaining of not doing anything fun? I find it’s draining to listen to this, so, I do minimize my time with that person. But, then, I couldn’t take listening much more, so, I gave the advice line, “ Have you ever thought about trying this...”. Anyways, what would you do/say in this type of situation? Thanks!! 💞🙏
Closure to me means: Let me see if I have another chance here 😅
Ive been this :( gosh ive really cringed hard when i reflected on this..i understand why some people hated me,i already knew id pushed away good,sensible people but didnt realise how justified they were in doing so. i have rebuilt many frienships and apologised to those who i thought would be ok with that but it makes me cry how a couple of really beautiful people are not in my life because i basically attacked their spirit with my bullshit. i was acting out of envy many times and sometimes out of making them what i wished them to be without fully realising yday. thanks for the empathy in this video, specially because its so easy to condemn this shitty trait.
For some - at least women - not being controlling can look weak. If she comes from a very controlling father, a male partner that doesn't have any need or desire to control, can end up not working out, bcz it isn't "her culture".
I feel like sometimes I don’t have to be a control freak in my life or on others. I’m not a super anxious person, but I will not charge my phone because I get to choose if I plug it in or I won’t read the ending of a book because I know I’m not gonna like it anyway, and I get to control how it ends.
Does cptsd in any way contribute rheumatoid arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis, sinusitis apart from ocd, adhd and anxiety with paic attacks ???
Please reply ...
Trauma is connected with a multitude of health issues. You can read about the ACE survey on our website www.crappychildhoodfairy.com to learn more.
-Cara@TeamFairy
omg the part when you're alll "Angela, its over babe!" haha i was dying. But honestly i'd bet a handsome some of money that Angela has Borderline personality disorder. She has all the hallmarks of what it's like to date a woman with borderline personality disorder. Borderlines are typically children of very strong Narcissists; though they are considered the opposite of a Narcissist because they have an overage of empathy, they directly mirror traits of a Narcissist. Very hard disorder to have and to be with. I was with someone who had it so severely I often feared for my life; Then one day I realized that I might have attracted this person because I have many hallmarks of Borderline as well. Though I was never diagnosed with it, I can't help but wonder if I have this disorder myself since my mom is the definition of a covert Narcissist, and those ones are much harder to detect than the outright loud confident CEO variant.
Anna, did you say there are worksheets that we can download? I'm going to sign up for classes once my income goes back to "normal". Working less hours as a licensed massage therapist while I'm completing yoga teacher training 💪
OMG I use to be like this. Giving people advice all the time. Even if they didn’t ask for it. Thankfully stop doing that. Well almost.. 😅 Feeling so much better now that I know it’s not my responsibility to take care of everyone.
Ironic cause we can't even control ourselves 😂🎉
The show step father was the best 😮
❤ great advice to James fairelady
I really feel for the third submission. There is something she is fundamentally not understanding about herself as a person, and I suspect something she doesn’t know or remember happen to her as a young child. Possible SA from her bio dad? I would also say that she is displaying a lot of the traits she says her mother has.
That patient who sent the final letter was interesting. I suspect her psych vocabulary comes from having a psych as a mother, & perhaps that made her come across as more condescending than she is in real life. However, you hit the nail on the head that she’s overly focused on her partner. It might border on codependency. I suspect she likes to be right, enjoys getting her way, & doesn’t take critique as well as she claims. To be fair, who among us really enjoys criticism? Rather than trying to incorporate dialectical concepts into their interactions, if they want to prioritize a loving partnership, it’s usually best to focus on points of agreement, and minimize disagreements (agree to disagree).
2 artists can struggle in a relationship. When it works, it’s fireworks, but when it doesn’t, it’s waterworks, & it rarely works longterm. Being an artist/ musician requires a certain amount of egoism, ie, to be a productive artist, you must believe your self-expression is so valuable that the world should experience it. Big egos often clash. I suspect everything that patient criticizes in her partner is true of her. They may have too much in common to have a longterm relationship. I’d advise her to either enjoy it while it lasts, or take her foot off the gas & stop trying to change him & fanning the flames of discord if she wants to stay partners.
Yikes, no one here is a "patient."
Arrrgghh, I just got certified in a methodology that’s meant to help fix people! (Or at least improve them) What do you do when it’s your job? Suddenly I don’t know how to talk to anyone or approach anyone about what I can do. I’m worried I will communicate in an unwelcome manner and just overwhelm people so I’ve mostly been keeping quiet. I’m really stumped about the way forward.
This Daily Practice technique is sooo helpful :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Why does this methodology dictate how you behave? You can study many things and not fully internalize them. Maybe even if you decide it is right for you, it should be able to teach you other paths without threatening your confection this tech-nique. If you can’t also study other ways, why is that? Is it your choice? It’s a certificate, not a religious order, right?
1:17:40 EMPOWERED GOODS❤❤❤❤❤
Is there any advice in here about coping with others being controlling and getting triggered? Honestly, sometimes you have no choice but to deal with it. For example, an unreasonable landlord when you can't afford higher rent.
Staying regulated is the first step, and you can learn a technique for that in this free course bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
🌱🌏💚 Question: Why is it acceptable to relate to teenagers in a controlling way but once they reach a legal adult age it isn't?
Adjusting to this can be so difficult.
My son as a teen told me I could ask as his manager but he would not accept me making controlling decisions without any discussion. That nothing was happening in our life that was do or die so the survival mode was totally inappropriate. I said where did you get this? ? He said, Oprah.
@@mtaylor7307that's awesome actually. I'd be so damn proud if that where my kid. If I have kids I got to remember that one
I have a coworker who went through a really bitter divorce and one of his children I think uses controlled with sleep, not going to school, staying sleep in missing the bus a lot… do you have more info on that? I’d be curious to see what may be solution so that would be
Wow!
REAL question. If my ex, and father of my older children is going to attend events, should I be expected to also attend those events? He was my violently domestic abuser for over 17 years, and I still have so much trauma. Truly, I would ENJOY being able to just set aside all the flashbacks and CPTSD, but I honestly only feel comfortable maintaining NO CONTACT at this time. Advice?
No normal person would expect a victim of domestic abuse to be forced into further company of the abuser.
However, would you be letting your children down by not attending?
You could potentially regain self respect by not letting the abuser to continue to impinge on your life, and attend without caring at all about them.
I need help. How do I contact this woman. I need to write a letter. I am 64 and was dissociated until recently. A whole life of acting. I don't know who I am. I have no goals. I live in chaos and depression. I have 2 grown daughters that I have little contact with. I have been in therapy for years. I have unmasked and I feel authentically for the first time in 65 years. I told my therapist that I am not suicidal. I just am not looking forward to living much longer. In a really bad place now. I can't think clearly.
i was seeing my life with my parents
i have zero emotional regulation and i am going though a lot right now and have 0 access to health care.. what should i do, isolate so i dont affect anyone?
Try Daily Practice.
Free Daily Practice Course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
TeamFairy
How may I (possibly?) reach you to ask a complicated "how you'd say to handle in a 'C-PTSD healthy' way," that is imminent but much too long to discuss in the TH-cam comment area? Either way, thank you for your consideration and for your videos and resources re: practical ways to handle triggers for several situations; I appreciate you very much! If you are also able to do a video re: handling (severe) grief when you don't have the literal time to keep dealing healthfully w/ it, at least for a couple months, but know it needs to (privately) continue to be expressed, I'd love that resource. Thank you so much, Anna.
You can share a letter with Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters :) -Calista@TeamFairy
A lot of this is “codependency”
Is it inappropriate to bring up one's frustration with a parent who keeps repeating a pattern of treating you differently(badly) than your other siblings? For example, excluding you, calling all but you, then acting like they are helpless and their not calling you about important family events is to your benefit or somehow your fault while insisting they and everyone cares so much for you!?🧐🤨😵💫.
P.s. Martin's girlfriend sounds like a black hole for his energy-- best to avoid that girl! Time is too precious to waste on someone who values you and your time so little.
1:52 - this sounds like two people with autism. (I have autism, my partner ALSO has autism, we were both diagnosed years after we met.)
1:58:50 understanding?
Martin my guy, come on.
thats soooooooooooooo mine
~I know this video is not about limerence, but like you said in videos about limerence, if your life is happy & fullfilled, limerence doesnt happen, however, im really craving romance, and every day i battle wanting to text my ex, who i know i cant be with...id be miserable again...but i miss him...its been 7 years....
He’s not worth it. Trust me I went back to mine and he ignores me all week and I’m not going back to that place of not feeling good enough. I’m gonna focus on my mental health and career
@@jamielee1354 ~Thank you, i know logically it would never work, but im constantly fighting wanting to text him, and having fond memories, even tho it wasnt a healthy relationship~
❤
Im staying single im not good for marriage or relationships
2:00:40 psychosomatic
At 54:00 these are the ppl who bc the narc & covert narcissist flying monkeys
Well shit, hit me over the head with that pretty red flag right out the gate, huh ms Fairy?
Who i really am now after these flying monkeys destroyed my entire life.
Ppl pleasers also become flying monkeys
Isn't life chaotic for everybody?
Perpetual adolesence?
There are indeed a lot of unstable people that latch onto spirituality. As a spiritual person myself this is quite annoying as you it means you get misinterpretation of things and then the stable spiritual people have to deal with those misconceptions.
The way you're talking doesn't help. It's way too black & white and puts spirituality and spiritual people in a bad light.
I have C-PTSD, have been in relationships that weren't fulfilling or did me no good. One was with a narcissist. I can for fact say that through the 10yrs of hell with him I actually found my true self. It made me stronger and when out of that situationship I've experienced that I developed a strong 'allergic' reaction to narcissists which was a relief as I no longer feared falling for another one.
Spirituality helped me tremendously, it's part of who I am, not something I do. I'm a Lightworker.
May sound like woo-woo to you, but I guess that's because you're not familiar with what it entails.
I'm grounded, down to Earth, still spiritual and a Lightworker, not depressed, no anxiety, yet have CPTSD.
I know it's difficult to keep all nuances in view when doing a vid, but this one is really way too B&W. The picture you paint of spirituality is too skewed and may be correct for the many "wanna be" spiritual people that are very unstable & ungrounded, but it's a huge disservice to the vast group of stable spiritual people, almost offensive to be honest.
(and yes, I am stable even though I have a bad case of CPTSD! That is possible too :) )
Borderline PD + narcissistic PD