Mating in Captivity: Attachment Security & Erotic Life in Couples
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 มิ.ย. 2024
- Filmed on November 9, 2012, at California Southern University.
Mating in Captivity: Attachment Security and Erotic Life in Couples
Presenter: Esther Perel, LMFT
Join Esther Perel-best-selling author and internationally acclaimed expert on couples and sexuality-as she discusses obstacles and anxieties couples face when their quest for secure love conflicts with their pursuit of passion. Contrary to popular belief, sexual problems are not always the result of relational problems, and improving the emotional relationship may do little to improve the sex. Using case examples and video vignettes, Perel probes the bonds and conflicts between love and desire and crack open the mystery of eroticism that lies in the tension between them.
Attendees will gain numerous clinical learnings and applications, including: a multicultural perspective on differing notions of love, marriage and sexual behaviors, highlighting the relationship between culture and sexuality; an identification of common blocks to eroticism including the fear of abandonment or entrapment, and the shame, guilt and worry that preclude the pursuit of pleasure; an understanding of how changing the sexual relation can transform a couple's entire relationship; strategies for helping couples balance their need for security and closeness with their quest for separateness and passion; and techniques for helping couples cultivate eroticism, bringing a sense of aliveness to the relationship-all among many others.
Speaker Bio:
Esther Perel (www.estherperel.com) is one of the world's most respected voices on couples and sexuality, and the author of the international bestseller, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
Perel is a master trainer, therapist and workshop leader, as well as an international authority on couples therapy, cross-cultural relations, and culture and sexuality. She was trained and supervised by Dr. Salvador Minuchin, and she serves on the faculty of The Family Studies Unit at New York University Medical Center, The International Trauma Studies Program at NYU, and The Ackerman Institute for the Family, as well as the Scandinavian Institute for Expressive Arts Therapy.
Fluent in nine languages, Perel is an in-demand speaker around the world. She has appeared on many television programs including The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show and CNN This Morning, among others. She also has been featured in publications such as the New Yorker, New York Magazine, the Washington Post, the Atlantic Monthly, and the Guardian.
Presented by the CalSouthern School of Behavioral Sciences. Please visit: www.calsouthern.edu/psychology
If you would like to receive a certificate of attendance for viewing this lecture, please visit: www.calsouthern.edu/attendance...
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The way she shuts up that guy who started rambling was top tier.
This lady has open my world to relationships in a diff way
One of the most insightful treatises I have seen on human sexuality.
This is a gold mine.. I will have to listen to this multiple times in order to digest it well. Very well analyzed connections she makes here
Thank
Esther continues to amaze and fascinate me. She puts into words so many things I have felt during life and clarifies for me so many things! That day I met you in an airport I felt that you knew what makes me a woman in this world. We did not have a lot of time but my life continues to be enhanced by self exploration and who I am that got lost in my marriage and have refound myself. Your books and teachings have inspired me to embrace myself and my needs to continue to improve my journey through life.
you took the words right out of my mouth! ❤️
Kathleen, would you share more details about Esther’s book and techniques you are reading and using ? Where can I find them ? I just discovered Esther recently and would like to read and learn more about her Thank you
On the top 10 of most informidable potent videos I've watched and I've only viewed half of this AND needed a break!!
Wow. Crammed with powerful insight. Covers so many thoughts I have had on the matter over the years. I thought I would like to see a better quality version of this presentation - maybe something like a TED and then what do I see in the thumbnails to the right.. an Esther Perel TED talk! Going there now.
This was without a doubt, one of the most comprehensive and all encompassing lectures on this subject I have ever been privileged to watch, and fully agree with, sexuality is like a Pandora’s box, different for different people depending on one social environment and freedom…thank you!
True, yet it seems that Pandora's box is best explored in young adulthood, rather than after training and careers have been established. Many men got trapped on career paths, often times including high school sweethearts and subsequent children. Then, tense post graduate studies buried them further away from their confused emotions. Hence, they never had the chance to explore themselves and their sexuality. This probably applies to some driven females, too.
Myself? I explored sex very young. In fact it was my constant need to have a boyfriend that finally got me into therapy 🙄🙄😅 Life is never perfect - the twists and turns keep us learning!
Ester is a good role model for many aspirations and challenges in life.
Excellent . Attachment theory explained in magnificent detail. A great deal of very, very sound emotional development based in these very early experiences for children.
Great talk. She also explained the whole thing with attachment styles
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Thank you for not pissing on males and blaming them for all relationship shortcomings . It was a breath of fresh air I needed in this perverted political climate.
Very accurate distinction of love and desire
Thank you , Knowledge is power to change.
This Lady Has Truely Opened My Eyes n Mind 2 A lot Of Issues!
Incredibly inspiring, someone to look 👀 up to, to aspire to!
can't listen to this material enough times.. thank you esther ❤️
The dancing paradigm is right on target. The moves of dance are like the elements of a love-play. I like the idea of the solo session as well as the solo session in front of the partner. This shows a great deal of sensitivity as to the true personality of a person. Seeking out the truth in various ways while at the same time changing a behavior or opening the communication. That is part and parcel of uncovering the secrets and the with-holds that people harbor. This is a self-destructive combination, when it is not dealt with by the individual. AF
I think this video is missing a little part of it at the end.
Thanks for sharing again, CalSouthern !
...”the creation of fatherhood “The next presentation
Not everything can be included in an hour lecture. There are great books on this subject written. I particularly enjoy the LMFT’s who write because they are more interested in teaching than they are for profit.
I am so impressed with how she able to find exact words to describe the situation!
This makes so much sense and I pray that I can break the generational curse for my child
Eliza Hall dont do that or do
Speak that it is broken! In Jesus name.
@@Katmandu29 I totally agree.
Eliza, keep in mind that Generational Dysfunction is passed on from Generation to Generation, until someone seeks a better life, instead of thinking that there is ONLY ONE way to live life. Typically, the way out is to find a GOOD Therapist.
I discovered years ago that the best relationship I can ever have with a woman is not to live together, but to be together when both of us really want to. That may be twice a week, or once in two weeks, it doesn't matter - it's whatever we want it to be. I can assure you that there's certainly no shortage of passion, and love is always there too.
@Tariq Hassan😅😅😅👍the upsides of islam
Americans would be Horrified; yet if were our culture, we would accept it as normal. It must have benefits for the women, too.
Do you live in the United States?
housing is too expensive :( We moved in with each other almost immediately, for financial reasons. It's very difficult to afford single person households. I have a great income, maybe top 3% in my country, but it's still not feasible. Sometimes love and economy overlap heavily.
But are you still together
Making love is the most beautiful thing between two adult ppl when it is pleasantly secure.
DEDICATED?? Security is a function of THAT.
This is brilliant
EPIC!! Thank you!
Making love in silence!// I thought I was strange until now. Sex in silence is like two ships passing each other in the night. Thanks Dr Perel for unpacking the subject so fluently.
What an incredible talk!
Esther Pearl is a psychological genius.
this lady is a GEM.
Sensational insight !!
Brilliant woman.. Wish I'd learnt this much by 18
i prefer the. interaction of a podcast with questions as this is asi interesting
"in captivity" describes the whole species.
Would be nice to redo the audio for this presentation.
EPIC VIDEO!!! KINDA SPEECHLESS 😶
Great info
I agree she is quite amazing
This is so crazy to watch. It's addicting, enlightening, and thought-provoking. I have so many questions for myself.
You so pretty.. wanna explore relationship with me?
M T thank you
Why is it thought "provoking"?
Yes that is what a great counselor does gets us to look at ourselves to change and become the person we want to be with.
Wonderful
Thank you for open my mind!!!
This makes total sense. I HAVE to role play!!!!!Now I know why.
Just so good.
Very good. Excellente.
0
I am most drawn to my partner when he kindly DEMONSTRATES he has my back without telling me in words, such as noting what supports I need and speaking to it (ex: protective legal tips). I'm also excited to discover how much fun he is willing to have.
All these abstract words about an act of love, a touch, a glimpse of an eye, a love song…
interesting, Its great to recognize this is no perfect answer to have everything all the time.
thanku
Too much information! I must watch it many more times. This was one of the best I'v ever watched and ester is explaining it perfectly
Excuse me?! She speaks 9 languages? This fact alone, all by itself, would confirm her brilliance. Wow. I’m into my second year of trying to learn a new language. One. And it’s still so difficult for me.
Nadia is a very very smart Woman
@@dongbung9850Who‘s Nadia 😂?
Babies learn a new language everyday. If they are raised in a 2 language home, they learn 2 at one time.
It’s not uncommon in central Europe to know up to 4 languages and her parents were Jewish POW survivors and was raised with multi cultural dialects and languages. My Swiss travelling friend knew 4 languages and learnt 3 Asian languages in her job, she had a feel for languages.
Does anyone has the powerpoint from this presentation? Is it allowed to share ? If yes, can you please share ? Thank you
I feel safe when I can be myself without judgement or criticism
🧠🚀 Her talks are rocket fuel for thought!
This is contradictory. In a loving relationship there is little or no anxiety.
Why confuse the subject with marriage.
Let go and love in the moment
It's too much of your opinion here.
I wonder who was the technician responsible at this university?!...
Not the technician it may be the cheap equipment...
..i wonder if you will guide or educated them ...? one this how important to have basic knowledge of audio and video recordings then how will be in this platform.
Thank you Dr. Perel. For those that would like to further appreciate just how subjective sexual norms are, I highly recommend a book, a fun, easy, and great read by Janice Brodman called, "Sex Rules."
My longest relationship went like this. When dating it was great, lots of affection, sex and wanting to see each other all the time. Once we moved in together things were good, not as much as dating but still good. Once we had a child things sex was non existent, limited sex, always tired, always busy, stressed, it was all about our child, once we got married she cheated on me... I tried at all stages to be understanding, planning date nights, flowers, treating her well, taking care of things etc. Since getting divorced I have dated, but I find myself pulling back when commitment becomes more as i saw how things got worse the more committed me and the ex wife became. Friends have been in the same situation.
What about LOVE?
I am completely bored with my partner. I have tried to tell him that we need to do things together. Eating dinner and watching TV after does not inspire any passion in me. Am i wrong to ask for something more in our relationship in order to inspire desire?
When was the last time you organised something fun and exciting for you to do together?
@@jbwoodcrafts well he doesn't like fishing, he doesn't like boats or planes. He doesn't skii. I set up an outdoor theatre so that our grandkids could come over and watch movies, he never invited them and offered no help setting up the theatre. I have taken up woodworking as a new hobby and invited him to join in, nothing. He claims to love gardening but doesn't help me garden. I'm running out of ideas, that's why it would be nice if he offered up some.
@@leslieboles6439 Hmm - fair point. Those do sound like activities that most men would like. At least to some extent. I'd love it if my wife showed as much interest in doing these types of activities.
why dont you stop watching TV and eating together. Why put up with this repetition night after night . Could it be that ,that makes you just as boring to him too. Why not be out or too busy to be there. Be unavailable for a while . But then again he might have prostate or erection problems that he is afraid to tell you about. Can you talk about those issues ?.
@@pauljeavons4350 I did. So now he is very upset of course. I know enough psychology to know that I have to do for myself take care of myself and be responsible for my own happiness. It's a hell of a time to be alone but sometimes you felt alone anyway while staring at your partner. Oh and I lost weight too.
In my opinion a GOOD/SOLID relationship requires 67% love and 33% desire
Desire is key.
You got that RAMI, and most of the world gets that, but not the societies that the Communists have focused a desire to destroy, by destroying the family first.
I call it chemistry.
Informidable In
Great lecture Esther.
Very enlightening revelatory!
Too bad most of humanity will not get to hear your pearls of wisdom, it could help a lot of people with their relationships/marriage.
Blessings and aloha
She has a pretty huge audience - millions watch her TH-cam videos. so actually quite a fair slice of humanity are actually receiving her work.
@@akashalove I hear you, however there is somewhere near 8 billion souls here, a few million out of 8 billion is a very small ratio that need this sort of therapeutic no nonsense wisdom that cuts to the heart of the matter that most if not all humans are for the most part:
[1] Selfish
[2] Egocentric (more selfishness)
[3] Fear driven
[4] Reactionary
[5] Hurt
[6] Broken
[7] Immature
[8] Want to be loved
[9] Want to belong
[10] Need God (even though they may not want anything to do with God)
Almost everyone enters into the human family with the same bag of deficits (some are worse off depending on set and setting) unable to coexist with others in a family(communal/community based setting) whether by blood or by choice.
That brokenness that infects the human race cannot be fixed by more broken souls,the only fix is a spiritual one where each broken vessel seeks the master craftsman to be repaired whole and the miracle of the two that becomes one can take place.
And from that foundation a whole community can grow and thrive but only if it God centered which means loving those around you, doing no harm, being selfless etc etc...........
I love Esther's wisdom because it is God centered and not human centered.
This world is the devils playground and the devil is right there in the bedroom with a lot of relationships keeping a healthy happy family dynamic sick broken reactionary fouled and doomed for failure.
Im glad Ester is reaching many, but not nearly enough.
Thats what I meant.
Sorry if my viewpoint/opinion does not synch with yours,
I agree Ester has reached many, but not nearly enough.
God bless you.
I love u girl
The crackling is quite annoying.Can you reupload .
Please find whoever is responsible for setting up this ladies microphone and either fire him, or have him drawn and quartered. I'm fine with either.
....in general most missing communication - info. “technical “ ( even in this education institución ) .... me a need to have a descent audio or video ( no hand it ruined the view ) .
What if it is a her? After all the buck stops with the leader, or is she a helpless incompetent?
Most cultures in the world have a completely different view about sex, marriage and a woman's role than the western cultures. If you ask an Asian woman about sex she'll say that men NEED to release, unlike a woman and they see it as their role and responsibility and indeed their obligation in marriage. Every aspect of marriage and men's and women's roles are meant to insure harmony and happiness. Women have a great deal of pride in ensuring that the home is a place of happiness. They conconsider themselves the light and heart of the family. The husband is the head and provider and the children too have a specific role in the family unit and it is the wife's responsibility to make sure they follow that. Only in the west do we see women as needing liberation. In asia they see that as foolish and unhealthy.
Only in America do we need experts with degrees to tell us how to be happy, fulfilled and the correct way to live. Most cultures see that as the real craziness.
After watching 12 minutes of questions, questions and more questions, I gave up waiting for answers. I don't think you have them.
We marry and NO one, schools, religion, parents, etc. tells us how to do it. And then we are expected to stay linked for 30, 40, etc. years as we may change but that relationship is never supposed to change. Society also pulls us in directions in direct conflict with what nature tells us with hormones. Very difficult to navigate as we live longer.
This is why men value respect over love.
Does it also exist in German?
Lesezeichen 1:10:25
The audio issues are so bad I had to click off, too bad
Humans are not naturally monogamous. This is the fundamental problem with marriage.
and you know this how ?
I think the quest is not to recapture but if anything improvise.....then you have it all, you have a geology of closeness, intimacy, stability and it's opposites.
the audio is horrible !
and speaker fast a good way to transmit info . ( in some moments of this video )
If there is no communication,well best luck
(wow!)
Does the man ever complain about the woman in these settings?
...wow in general will create a caos or divide and conquer ! may be finds a logic therapist ( or video presentation ) in our own ( I do complain ! in private . she most of the time do not want to listen . First time a i type it or say it )
This is woman is pretty awesome. We need more therapy fershure. ^_^
The dual screen is irritating!
Yes! I agree completely! I think the duty aspect is complete BS!
I turn myself on when I'm healthy
I'm financially secure
I'm free
I'm awakened and in the endless continuation of self awaking
Gaining knowledge through the learning process
Omg do u ever breath.????
Yeah babymodern love tnder
yes you can - dance and be sad - done that
It’s very cathartic for me
1:19:32
Face. Many Americans don't understand the value of saving face whereas, all over the world, this goes without saying. It took me a long time to understand it and it's still confusing to me. If I don't tell the truth about someone, it's because I'm afraid of them because of trauma. Whereas, for many people, if they don't tell the truth about someone it's because they care about them.
This leads to alot of problems.
Woah
Sexual identity in marriage is often that projection that withholds what the other wants until the other finally gives you what you may never ask for. 'Read my desires from mine eyes, stupid!' is the unspoken assertion and conundrum. The creativity with which conundrum is manufactured to avoid intimacy astounds.
Communication is very important. Thats why i learned to ask not assume. But on the other hand i take some time to express myself.
I turn myself on when hearing suggestive music, my precious one's voice, and imagining snuggling my lover's neck, whispering how lucky I am to be with them.
Giancarlo g sex is spirituality for every body thank you
I like very much how you said that if I don't like spending time inside of me and I don't like the look of myself, why would I want to share that me with anyone else. Deserve to want. Are lovable. Enjoy giving you what you want. This is the great challenge. If you monitor another's needs then you don't know what you want. That interest you mention. Both sides may be struggling with knowing what they want. Intimacy? Sharing. telling each other about ourselves, if in deed we know what it is we want. Pleasure needs an openness. Space. Energy. This is quite a paradigm. Linking feeling bad about yourself moves directly into your experience with another. You said all of this quite well. Self-intimacy is therefore part of the "blue-print," of life. AF That darker side comes out for example in the 50 shades of gray. The paradox of the, "...domestic and the erotic." The rules in the kitchen are not the same as the rules in the other room." Another concept. This may be five years ago, but the concepts to me appear to be timeless. "Wrapped in layers of relatedness?" I would say wrapped in actual layers of clothing of various types. Then there is the question of, "What does your religion allow? Sometimes it is not transcendent. Sometimes it is about expanding the number of the membership of the religion; that is, having children. The Christian religion and apparently the Jewish religion, focuses again sex for pleasure. The tendency is to couple pain with sex by stating some information at the beginning, out of the mouth of God, the child bearing shall have with it the pain of discovering the knowledge contained in the Tree of Knowledge and of Good and Evil. AF
frank
Are we talking about sex being divorced from love? Then what is off limits? Some of us can seduce some who ought not be seduced. Can anyone relate to this idea? Should sex be a physical expression of love? Of conquest? Of submission or dominance? Of hatred? Or result from pressure? We speak of
"passionate love" what does that mean to you. Some believe that sex is the highest expression of lover appreciation for each other. That requires understanding and sharing of mutual values together with basic physical attraction. Are we human? How high is our humanity?
This content is a true masterpiece. A book I recently finished on the topic was a catalyst for change. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Some women change a man as they change their blouses. I am not one of these types. NEITHER could i Iive with the idea of sharing 3 kids from 3 different fathers. This is a real story.
THAT narsicissism started with the pill, as we repeat the patterns that we started with as kids. For boys, at least, their strongest attachment in life is usually their first love that involved sex. FOR a Reason. It involves the strongest bonding, durably.
I agree. I want a man for life. Someone i admire, want to love and share my life always. To have children to. Only with him.
Really seems to me most of the questions come from women and its concerning mens apparent never ending desire for sex. When the question is answered the answer reveals how men have so much more to deal with, things they need to balance to become 'the balanced man' and the women are left pretty much shocked into silence.
When I think about how the dating scene goes these days, its that women have long lists of things men must be to be worthy, but women on the other hand, think their fine just as they are.
The parallels between the two are right there. Women in the dating scene don't need to do anything but turn up as they are.
The truth as revealed by the answers is that its men that have to make the sacrifices and compromises left right and centre. Women think they've so much on their plate they couldn't possibly have time to actually think about what their men need, when the truth of it is, women have nothing on their plate, its all on the mens side. The women have their cups so full of their own self importance they have no space, or even capacity, to see what their men need.
Esther summed this up by saying most women are Narcissistic lovers. Its all about them.
Narcissistic women are as common as narcissist men.
I do not doubt that there is a certain group of young, very attractive women that think they are the cat's meow. Especially since there are older men, wealthy, looking for a diversion and playmates.
I suggest that you familiarize yourself with behavior patterns of these sorts. Many women these days are searching for security - especially when they have nothing going for themselves. A serious student will not be roaming around, looking for sex or love. The other point is that those attracted to Narcissists are frequently from childhoods that were chaotic, or worse. We are looking for the love and acceptance we never experienced in early years.
BTW, those with true Narcissistic Personality Disorders search for victims who are caring and giving individuals. Narcissisism is not full blown NPD. Yet those with Narcissist characteristics are self centered, feeling that they are a person of significance; these people lack compassion and more importantly, empathy.
These two points are the easiest to discover. Actually, you seem to be attracted to trouble. Read up, and study Narcissism.
Then find another group of females with whom to explore friendships. Good luck - we all need it!
There are truly negative consequences!
She's aware, perceptive, and articulate but I don't believe we become able to live what she is describing by listening to her talk. Her talk must come from years of working through her internalized, inherited barriers to being alive. That is what we too must do. Then we will spontaneously live what she is discribing and will no longer have insecurities that have us again chasing after the latest Person With The Answers.
The intolerance was for lying.
SEX among humans is as old as human history. On the evolutionary scale, I am not sure when LOVE emerged among homo sapiens! Finally, how old is the MARRIAGE institution? This talk speaks to these three aspects that modern society compels couples to mingle into one...One wonders what marriage will mean 1,000 years from now.
Audio is awful. I can't listen to this.
11 minutes into this I can tell you GOOD LUCK having it all within one relationship! I'll watch the rest in 10-15 minute segments, and I may have to edit or even retract my post. But for now I'll say that even a homely married woman will become the wild thing outside of her marriage, then go back to being the bored uninterested wife within the marriage. I'm 63 now and taking a sabbatical from physical intimacy. I've been married and divorced but never alone, women seem to be everywhere I go, and I could swear there are at least as many women as men, maybe more! Just as a woman seeks to tame a wild man, I seek to make a tame woman wild! 😅
I'm also a man in my 60's, it's not your imagination: we have more women from which to choose every year. Many men have passed away by our decade, others thru drinking, drugs, obesity etc. have a difficult time dating. It takes not a large percentage to swing the balance, one way or the other.
I read comments before giving my time away. Your comment just saved me 90 mins of my life. Thank you. And yes, you are spot on.
Marriage in the early years should be considered a trial marriage. It takes several relationships to figure out what is needed for a lasting one, imo.
@@kirstinstrand6292 I accept that is true for you. I have met high school sweethearts 25 - 50 years later that got it right the first time. Best wishes figuring it out. Much research confirms your experience that women have to verbalize or act out different scenarios in order to discover what they want. This explains, in part, why many men decide that many women don't know what they want, and those men understandably fall into the traps of arrogance and dominance over their woman which often backfires. Too much to cover here without being completely misunderstood! 🤯