Outgrowing Friends: The Unspoken Reality
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ค. 2024
- Outgrowing friendships is a natural part of life. In this video, we explore the unspoken reality of how relationships evolve and change over time. If you've ever felt like you're growing apart from your friends, this video is for you. Join me as we explore this common but often difficult experience of friendship dynamics.
And you don't need to walk away just because you think you're "outgrowing" them or walking down different path. My husband has a close friend since high school. They're 35 now. They meet up like once every other or every 3 months, just to catch up over dinner. Their life path is soooo different. My husband graduated with higher degree, got high paying job, have his own business, and now we're pregnant expecting family. His friend got into art/music, single, no relationships, random jobs. They're just two good chill dudes who are just content with talking to each other. They don't judge each other at all and don't think about "outgrowing" each other or being nitpicky on each other. Now that's a real friendship; no judgements whatsoever.
I think this may just be two different paths, not necessarily one person outgrowing the other..
That is true friendship. When people desite entirely different lives and choices still stay connected and are friends since high school and childhood. If you can "Outgrow" a friend they weren't true friends to begin with. Build relationships that will last alife time not something temporary
sounds like them being good people who like you said dont care about status and just the person has a big part of it too
You're never been there where you're vastly outgrown your peers. It's painful to even stay as acquaintance when the peers are not even decent friends in the first place. When the state of mind vastly difference, perspective drastically difference, it's hard to connect with others. That's why many great masters chosen solitude over surrounding by people whom could never understand them.
@@rocknroseeethat’s is literally their point.
the last bit "would I become friends if I met them today" hit like a train
I always felt bad for dropping friendship from high school. Now I think about this way, I would not befriend them at all if I met them today.
How definite the answer was made me feel kinda relieved
It’s actually really healthy to out grow friendships. It actually means you’re growing , evolving, and changing. BE PROUD
After watching this, I realized that I was the friend whose ego was hurt by my friend changing as a person, and I tried to stop the change, which eventually led her to cut me off. It made me extremely guilty for a long time. Thanks for helping me think about this in a new light.
Not all chances are good, for example seeing a non junky friend turn in one.
Yeah you seeing someone changing like you said, what was it exactly. Because you could see someone becoming more arrogant but at the same time becoming richer or having a girlfriend ect. You subconsciously know he changed but didn’t realised it was his arrogance that changed ,but thought it was because he gotten a girl or something (more materialistic based then character based). Then you thinking to yourself “am I a good friend?” but actually his demeanour towards you became just more arrogant, and you think he is just standing more into his (girlfriend/richer/better) higher self and you need to be supportive about it because that’s what a good friend does.
Really want to know what it actually was that hurt your ego. Because there is egotistical and having a good ego that’s more of self love/ self respect.
@@samirunlu9900 We were both single at the time and (at least I thought) shared the same opinions on dating, that it wasn’t worth it and it would do us good to put it off for a few more years. Then she started dating this guy and that changed her opinion on dating, but I refused to see it her way and a combination of me being too pushy with my opinion and her downplaying how much she liked him led me to genuinely believe he was not right for her and to encourage her to stop dating him. A few months later one of her friends saw her past messages with me and made her realize it’s not normal to be so opinionated like I was, and they both cut me off at the same time. I wish I could have acted supportive about her changing as a person from dating, rather than shutting it down because I could not handle being the only single person I knew. I don’t think she ever wants to see or talk to me again, and I understand it, though (not her issue but my own) it made me extremely guilty and mentally ill for a long time and I’ve been second-guessing myself as a person since. Maybe I just can’t handle others’ disapproval but I grew up hearing the standard stories of justice deservedly given to the villain or the bad friend, but as it turns out, I was the bad friend and deserved justice against myself. Realizing that fucking hurt.
Adding to tension: it reveals/adds different expectations from the other person
It really does
the timing of this is insane
same my friends are driving me crazy now that i'm sober
@@d1ssolv3r ME TOO LOL
@vain_sour I recently stopped being friends with two of my friends, and honestly I felt relieved and happy after a long time instead of being sad that they aren't my friends anymore. This video is right on time for me lol
there is no timing, this is relevant all the time
Same😭
I don't always see it as different rates of growth or one person growing "more" than another person, but also perhaps growing in different directions and valuing and enjoying different things. You came together at a certain time in life when things aligned, and then as you value and desire things different to your friend, perhaps you find yourself drifting apart.
“Outgrowing” is a toxic oversimplification of what happens a lot of the time. A lot of the time, you have a shared interest/commitment which gains you a friend. Once that thing is lost or discontinues, its natural for those friendships to fizzle out. If we put “outgrowing” in terms of like one person being a party animal and staying like that and another person who doesn’t like the party life anymore. They just have different priorities, outgrowing feels like you’re saying one option is better than the other. Yeah partying can be bad for your body (drugs, etc) but that person still has fun and enjoys themselves. Growth is so vague but implies that you’ve become better than what once was.
I do like your discussion about perceived identity vs actual identity and how it damages their ego. The word growth just makes me cringe a bit. I’d just say change maybe.
Very well said
Ok that’s a fair point about values. What if the case is that you’re making advancements and improvements to your life, and you have friends that put you down for your achievements because they don’t want to see you be “better” than them.
@@stanleyparks id say thats valid for using the term outgrowing
@@jaykim4349 i totally agree 👏🏻
It’s frustrating when the friend won’t let you go. And it’s sad when they hold onto the cheerful moments but you’re reminded of how draining and stressful the friendship became. Sure, friendships take effort just as any relationship. But it takes maturity and self confidence to realize that some things run their course, and that you need to consider your needs too.
Wise words
Sounds like there was a love triangle of some sorts
Sounds like a toxic one-sided friendship more than growing apart. It can be hard to cut those people out as you've sometimes known them for a long time and they don't want the friendship to end. Also even when it's not a toxic person some people are just not meant to be in your life forever. It's like your favourite highschool teacher, just because they don't have a place in your life anymore doesn't mean they weren't awesome for that period they taught you. Friends work the same way.
There’s friendships that naturally die over time and never to be heard from again, even if the friend was a hardcore ride or die (in its lifespan) But sometimes their lifestyle doesn’t push your future self in a direction that you’d want for yourself. And that’s okay.
Then there are friendships that you can leave them for years and come back like nothing has changed. And those friendships are the best kinds of friendships since no matter what in life, you’ll have a support system even across the country/world. Treasure those friendships
Yes. People don't want to see you grow at all! Thanks for sharing this. I also think some people don't give their friendships enough effort.
It is more people hate to be left behind . The issue is not people growing but them changing so much that they forget why we were friends to begin with.
which people lmao, i'm begging my friend to buy crypto now we up together.
@Misana this is true for literally everyone including yourself
@@dancingemojiaesthetic5079 Definitely not. You are entitled to your opinion though.
Imagine the shock of hearing, "you think you're better than me?" To a friendship longer than a decade when I got job that paid higher than him. I confided to him all my personal, romantic and financial problems. I respected his opinions and congratulated his achievements in good faith while trying my best to identify the natural human reaction of jealousy and envy to the best of my abilities to subdue them.. I'm literally 50k in debt while he is scott free of any financial hole. Some people just hate to see you succeed.
Those were never real friends. I've been the highest earner, the lowest earner, the highest earner, then falling into kind of the middle of my groups throughout our many stages of life.
It is important that I surround myself with those who genuinely wants everyone to reach their highest potential, ignoring money entirely. We all just want everyone to achieve their dreams. Some people will earn more because the market gives them more, that's totally fine.
We all succeed together.
Also dangerous when they say "oh you're like a family for me". Look at their families. Are they coming from a stable non toxic house? Are they loving and in contact with their relatives, or are they treat them as nonchangable possessions that will always be there? Because you don't choose your family but you can choose your friends. And you have to deal with your parents but you don't have to deal with toxic friends: you have to win really good friends, friends who will be there to help you, mentally and physically have resource for you. Are you that type of friend? Do you really have such friends? Good friend will always be growing and motivating you to grow towards what is really good for you. If you don't have good food then don't eat garbage, f you don't have good friend it's better to stay alone before really good friend appears so you have a room for them.
holy fuck the first part i never thought of that but so true
i learned discernment and it truly changed my life
It's less "outgrowing" and just going on a different path. Looking at life with just growths only in mind is somewhat closeminded.
@@user-ix7es4iw8b what a LOT of ppl need to realize. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Its the journey, not the destination.
Agree also
This is side of the life that is bittersweet - we outgrow ourselves and outgrow other people, sometimes the closets relationships. It will hurt but we're making space for people who will be better now.
Amazing video dude. I agree. I had friends who were always late, playboys, and immature and I let them all go. Their values couldn't align with mine anymore. Their energy isn't something I needed nor was it something I want to deal with. I like to grow everyday as a better version of myself and they didn't want that.
I hate people who are late too. Very inconsiderate
@@chuachua-hj9zdSome people just struggle with time management. It’s not easy for everyone
@@EggEnjoyer if they struggle with it then they should acknowledge it and work on it. If not then I don't wanna be friends with those who don't work on their problems.
@@justhuman3424 Why do you assume they don’t acknowledge it and don’t work on it? And if you don’t have patience for for them then bye bye 👋.
@EggEnjoyer exactly my point dear, bye bye indeed to people who cannot work on themselves to be on time. 👋 Hope you're not too guilty
This video made me realise that I have a surprising amount of friendships that I have managed to keep over time. Sure sometimes our values can be different, but to me that’s the amazing part because we can learn from each other. They are the people who lent me a hand when I was at my lowest points, and I want to stand by them when they’re at their lowest too. I will be forever grateful for that ❤️.
You are young and very wise to reflect upon your life like this, which is very important.
At nearly 76, I too decided to let go of those who don’t bring me joy, and are not interested in me anymore. As a person, I have outgrown them, while they have not. It is sad but necessary.
Not me being hit like a truck by the question you asked at the end 😅
If you ever find yourself in these scenarios, one possible concept to ponder upon is that maybe how you make friends and how you define friendships were wrong all along. It's a highly opinionated statement, but for me, if friendships break just because of these reasons then it was never a friendship in the first place. I agree with you that these relationships rely on the "idea of each other", not the "each other" and ideas make strong assumptions which can make us sway away from reality. And you know what people want? to live in a reality they believe in.
This was an awesome video! I definitely needed to watch this video, because I had a best friend who I've outgrown, the friendship felt one side, as in everything was catered to him. I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him. I could never be too open or couldn't say something on my mind because it might upset him, and he might blow up! I'm ready to move on from my high school friendships and build new ones along my journey through college and the world! This was a great video, keep up the good work!!!
@@Barcode8524 thanks! Best of luck with your future friendships :)
Just discovered that I needed to cut off with one of my friend. Suddenly they have a partner and they feel above everyone. Anyway, it's better for my mental health anyway. Thanks❤
My best friend recently ended my friendship. At first I broke down crying, thinking everything was my fault. That I never knew her completely like I thought I did. However, I realised it wasnt just my fault. Both my friend and I were responsible for our relationship ending. Sure, she had some points with what were right, and I have been working to change my behavior. I feel her cutting me off was really the best thing that has happened to me recently. Since that was the source of my growth :D I thought my best friend and her friend groul were my only friends. But after she cut me off, I realised there were many friends rhat I have been ignoring that wish to spend more time with me.
Define growth, does out-growing someone make you more valuable as a person? You're quick to assume the negative from the people you've "out-grown" to the point it sounds like you want to discard them based off of some kind of projection that confuses your loose/undefined/vague term of growth with the innate worth of a human being.
Hey James, I'm Canadian born Chinese, 33 years old, with ethic hakka-Chinese father and and ethic Teochew Chinese mother, both were born in Malaysia. I think our stories relate to each other a lot in regards to the discourse you bring about in this video. So I'm rather a tough person mentally, physically and spiritually which contrasts to how "normie society" puts their "label" on me as a "baby faced, small eyed Chinese "boy"". I am a full adult yet I still receive this label. And I receive this label even from other ethnic east Asians. And when I do choose to flip the switch and dominate, their preconceptions of the label they want me to inhabit creates difficulties in them acknowledging who I truely am. I am inherently extraverted. Society chooses to put the intraverted label on me because of the socially -constructed label "normie society" stubbornly keeps putting on me.
This has led to me having lost all the friends I've made in my life, along with an "addiction" one could say to youtube rather than seeking out real people friends, compiled with my family social problems as well as my familiy's oppressed status within society.
Hope you have/will find good friends in the future who are valid and are willing to foster genuine relationships.
Peace
You are a Canadian of Chinese descent**. Saying that you are Canadian born, sounds like you are still Chinese nationality wise, when you are Canadian.
@@eb.3764 Not that I owe this right-wing bigot person any explanation, just for clarification, I love my country of birth "Canada." Leaving the discourse of first nation's people aside, which it's obvious that they have the rightful claim to being the original people's of this country. So, there's a lot to break down here. So my parents have been here since approximately '74 and within that generation of Ethnic Asians, the acronym CBC is very ubiquitous standing for Canadian-born Chinese. This eb37 person is not someone I personally know, we are having an internet interaction overall. It's more common for people to state replies to stories like mine for purposes of "white knighting/ being the white saviour/or saviour in general if not white." They have not intention of standing in solidarity. When a westernized (avoiding the term white washed since it incenses people, lets be real here) Ethnic East Asian person like myself explains his mixed-culturedness, in real life where no camera's or moderators are looking, it's met with deception, passive aggression, and darkness, and condescension and predjudice. Trust me, there are parts of me that are more "white" than your boomer-entitled white doctor rich man if I put that "mask" on. (Masking being an autism term, which is a condition I have.) Point is, viscerally this eb.3764 person knows he's being viscerally obstinate, he has no intention of standing in solidarity with oppressed people like "us" assuming like-minded people are reading this. The statistically normal interaction with an ethnic person of myself is to get the "where are you REALLY from?" not that I get that often since my voice is westernized, instead I receive all around energy passive-aggression since I have taken the leftist-kind person route with the beast waiting to blow if pushed to far route. Anyway, if there's any genuinely, viscerally, honest, leftist, strong allies out there I viscerally stand in solidarity with you.
Peace, love, intuition and understanding.
i was here a year ago and finally started meeting people who align with me and it’s amazing!! i thought it was going to be impossible at one point but just keeping doing what’s best for you with a good heart and you will always be rewarded
Or for others 🤷♂️. That’s actually a good way to make friends doing stuff for others out of the goodness of your hart.
I was watching this with the impression you had 1 million subscribers because you seem like that type of person, I couldn’t relate any more with you on this video
You articulated this really well. I had this happen with a friend I'd had for over 5 years and when I wanted to outgrow who I'd been cast as in life what you discussed followed. Thanks for for making this, I appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing!
Im gratfuel I found this video, and you took your precious time, energy, focus, attention, and intention to create it and share it with the rest of the world. It helped me see where I haven't been paying attention, putting my time and effort into understanding who I'm aligned with and who I'm not aligned with. Most important is who I want to keep in my life, what type of people I want to surround myself with, and who I am naturally attracted to.
I think it would've been nicer if you used "change" more than "grow." Grown makes it sound like you think you're better than them.
That's not always the case but sometimes it is. Sometimes you do grow to have more integrity or empathy or wisdom or xyz trait that is necessary for a healthy life. And if the friend is stuck in old ways, you might have to make that judgement call. Does that mean you're better then them as a whole? Maybe, maybe not, but there are critical aspects of maturity that if your former friend has refused to develop in, you have to decide that you can't let them hold you back with bad habits. Because at the end of the day, you are the some of your habits, and your friends are people you do those habits with.
Agree with many sentiments but "outgrowing" puts a condescending tone on it implying youre better than them now, when they could just be "growing" in a different direction.
@@veggiewizard168 this!!!
I can stay friends with people whom I've outgrown, provided they understand and respect certain boundaries. I might not be able to spend as much time with them as I used to, but I don't like to entirely let go of people, especially if I feel they played an important role in positively shaping who I am today. Some people are just happier with less, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But they too have to respect that I want something else, instead of getting bitter about it.
It sometimes makes no difference if you want the best for someone, and try to raise them up with you. Some people defensively refuse any attempt to self-improve. It is as if they want to fall behind deliberately. Sucking at life becomes part of their identity, and they 'need' other people to keep them afloat. This is very different than being 'happier with less'.
The trouble frequently is that people enter into or create various kinds of relationships in their lives, not because they necessary respect or want the best for those other people, but because they 'need' those people for something or other. I don't want to be a part of someone else's life unless I feel that I can positively contribute, and I believe it is on that basis that you create authentic long-lasting friendships or relationships of any kind, no matter even if one of you starts to somehow 'outperform' the other, because everyone is doing better as a result.
Completely agree with your comment. There are many people I have outgrown over the years and we all take different paths in life, however, I don't like to completely cut off contact with people, especially, if as you say, there were important to you at some point. Its okay to see people less but still maintain some sort of connection. We all want different things out of life, some people may be more ambitious then others, etc. and there is nothing wrong with that. The important thing is to respect each other.
What do you see as self improvement 🤔. You getting muscles and others not or something else ,you learning a second language and these others just speaking English like peasant’s 😂. You gaining the whole world but loses his own soul and seeing this as gains or an improvement 😂😂. I heard a lot of these half ass improvement “I improved gotten a new job earning me 1 dollar more an hour” but then not mentioning its an half an hour further away kinda stuff. Soo yeah what was it exactly without using I am improved that’s why.
Agree with your comment. Two people can take different paths in life, but it doesn't mean all connection must be cut off. Its okay, probably even better, to see people less, but if someone was part of my journey at some point, I find it difficult to completely cut them off, providing they are not toxic. The problem is we live in a selfish world where people have become disposable- we only want them around as long as they benefit us in some way.
In today's landscape, we need to raise people up, not just drop them like dead weight as if nothing ever mattered. That's what friends do. Some people can't be helped, fighting endlessly, but a best friend who is having trouble growing, perhaps dealing with stresses that they can't face alone to break out of their metaphorical prisons, deserves the chance to join yourself in growing to greater heights in the relationship and life
@@samirunlu9900 Most of the metrics you listed for measuring 'self-improvement' are relatively superficial, which says more about you than me.
I'm not interested 'bigger muscles'. I am interested in being healthy, fit and strong enough to be able to hold my own ground into old age. I don't get as much of a rise from competing with other people as I used to. I like to challenge myself, just for the fun of it. I enjoy being able to go on holiday and run up a mountain. And I don't do it to take pretentious selfies of myself for Instagram. All my photos sit on my personal OneDrive.
I'm also interested in doing a job that actually makes a difference, instead of getting paid more. I'll even take a pay-cut if necessary. There are lots of 'bullshit jobs' out there, charging money for contributing relatively little value. The rise of the 'consultancy industry' in my opinion is a plague on our economy. Some sectors are effected worse than others. I worked in _some_ roles like that. What tends to happen, is eventually the money in the system runs out when your client (it could be a whole government) gets a bad ROI on the money they're spending on you. And then you have mass-layoffs. So it does not even pay off in the long term. I worked on High Speed 2 in the UK (you can look it up). Due to being 3x over its initial budget, the government chopped the project in half last year leaving an estimated 10,000 people out of a job across its supply chains. I decided to leave because it was frankly draining to work on, even though they offered me a permanent position with better pay. It was not rewarding. Too much bureaucracy slowing everything down.
I stopped measuring these things with numbers, for those reasons. Numbers are too easy to manipulate.
Your comments are quite accurate in my experience. I might quibble with using the term "outgrow." As we get older, each of us changes and moves in different directions in our interests, values, and priorities. These changes can lead to differences that makes remaining friends unwanted, likely by both parties. For me, my friendships were affected as I physically moved to a new places, and the resulting friendships I made at my university and during my working years. Yet, even these later life friendships made later may go through the same waxing and waning. I am likely about 3 times your age, so I can add that later in life some of those early friends might reappear and reconnect. As you said, there is a shared history of a time of life with them, and over the span of decades - attitudes and experiences may grow more similar. You may find connections once again as you and they are different people than when you parted ways.
Not all change is good. I personally don’t hold any of my friends back from becoming better people/ manifesting their dreams, and I don’t want them to be stagnant either since I myself am working towards being my “realistic best self”. I did have a friend though, who became a lot more judgmental (a “this is me you can take me or leave me” mentality) and less considerate and she didn’t want to admit the incredibly hurtful things she was doing / she kept insisting that she was good the way she was (while she continued to push people away through her behavior, which was not just healthy boundary setting but rather poor decision making, passive aggression, sometimes actual aggression in terms of confrontation, defensiveness and not wanting to face her inner demons). I’ve had enough. People make mistakes, but if you make me feel like a garbage heap and then we can’t have an adult conversation about it where we each admit our part in the situation and work towards making things better, then I’ll go my own way. I don’t need to feel perfectly content and happy with my friends all the time, but if a person doesn’t care about the fact that they’ve emotionally wounded me through behavior that most people would objectively label as hurtful, then that’s a problem and I don’t want that type of person to be my friend.
The thing is I don’t wish any ill upon this friend, I just think she has some massive growing up to do.
I'm going to be honest but that dynamic will lead you to have no friend at all.
You will outgrow people and people will outgrow you. You may be the """"biggest person"""" of one situation and you ll also be someone's else clown 🤗
What is the solution ? Having people with the exact same mind? Good luck with that.
Maybe the answer would be to stop seeing what separe us and what put us together ?!?
Ok you have projects, more income than your best friend. You are here, listening to one TH-camr has to say while he plays videogames. You feel a distance being created. How about talking about this? How about trying to remember what make you like this person ? How about trying to see how you can adapt this friendship to now?
Ofc you might not be become friend with that person TODAY but c'mon .... Life is like weather. If you hate your car today, would it be a reason to throw it out today, being car free better than driving a car you don't like 😂 ?!? If an object has a better value than people, you should really question yourself.
From my observation, friendships might got elevated after going through situations of change. We create links to people and unless that are toxic for us, the truth is more complex. It takes work from both people. But you may gain widsom from it.
I don't mean all those situations can be fixed. Sometimes full detachment is need.
I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to have no friends if they aren’t bringing you joy or aligning with your values. Some people do better alone. I wish we would stop generalizing that everyone needs friends.
if the friends you have are in the streets, constantly talking about girls or video games but yet you're in college going to a stem degree, how do your friends benefit you or how do you benefit them? moving away is ok because you are not them anymore, you are trying to change, and with change, comes new friends who will meet you on the come up. and also, this idea of having no friends, unless you are a hardcore introvert, is not hard to make friends, say hi to people at your job, be a bit open about yourself and you'll see how easy and fun it is to meet new people instead of staying stuck to what you know.
@@jazzypanduh Because people who say they don't need friends are lying to themselves. Humans are social creatures and that's how we, as humans thrive. This has been proven over and over again.
@@BDOGifting2 I agree that we are social creatures, but that notion still doesn't apply to every single human being. There are folks like me who are autistic and thrive in solitude and are often misled by this blanket statement. (not saying every autistic person is like me, just giving you an example)
This is sad. No one does better alone. Loneliness is an actual killer @@jazzypanduh
A lot of my friends didn't want to talk. Proper conversations with meaning. They always want to eat or drink or be merry and playful or shop. They found me boring and irrelevant because I don't have IG or snapchat or I don't 'post' as much as they do. I moved on.
At my current stage I don't feel like I have outgrown any relationships of mine. I only recently started watching these sorts of videos where people share their opinions on core subjects of human nature so I have lots to learn. This was an interesting video and you have earned a subscriber, processing information likes this really takes time and own experience. Especially for me because recently I have been consuming a lot of media similar to this form of content and naturally with the overload of different information and perspectives it's hard to gauge how much I believe and can apply to my own life. I feel a lot of these videos have a bigger impact on people who are going through such problems but the current stage of my life is one with very little hardships and much to be grateful for. I watch these videos to learn. to learn about myself and other people with more experience and how they perceive things compared to me. I watch these things so one day if I am in these situations I can act appropriately in a way that I personally deem correct and not have any major regrets. All in all thanks for the video James and I hope you continue making content.
You may not fully understand the true meaning of friendship. Friends are not just commodities or assets, they are people who care for each other and create a bond that transcends social standings. A true friend is someone who will always be there, regardless of where they are in life or what they have. It’s not about social advantages or fitting into an ideal social circle, it’s about genuine connection and companionship.
It’s important to recognize the value of true friendship and not dismiss it for superficial reasons. Unfriending someone because they no longer fit your ideal social circle or because you have outgrown them is a selfish and hurtful action. True friends stick by each other through thick and thin, supporting each other through all of life’s ups and downs.
It’s important to reflect on your actions and consider the impact they may have on others. Being a true friend means being there for each other, no matter what. Don’t let selfishness and conceit dictate your decisions when it comes to friendship. Cherish those who truly care for you and value the bonds you have created.
I had a best friend from the age of 6 until I was 25. Like you, he stopped being friends when he went to university and more sophisticated ones came along. I'm someone who lack a formal education and fancy degrees, only managing to scrape by with a GED and a 2.0 GPA. I'm what people like you deem not good enough. I worked since I was 15 and came from a poor family with a single mother, and from a poor neighborhood. I've always valued my friendships and held my friends in the highest regard. I celebrated all their milestones and supported them in every way possible.
For over 20 years, I've worked as a track layer for Union Pacific and I love my job. I find joy in what I do every day. In my spare time, I indulge in reading books and teaching myself new skills. Even without going to University, I have always been eager to learn new things and expand my knowledge.
My best friend, whom I still love and miss dearly, drifted away because I was cast aside by his ego, and that ended our friendship on his end once new, more educated and sophisticated friends came along. Despite our growing differences, I will always cherish our friendship and continue to consider him my brother. Even though he may have outgrown me, I will never stop being his friend on my end. I wait every day for a call or text from him, hoping that one day, we can reconnect. It's been 15 years and counting.
While I have new friends now whom I love and hold very near and dear to my heart, I will never replace my first best friend, because you don't replace friends, you make more. Friendship is not a finite thing that you have. It's an everlasting bond you maintain. You are supposed to have each other's backs. Ride or die, til the wheels fall off. That's what friends do. You don't kick your friends to the curb for fake superficial reasons because of an ego trip. I will always consider my friend as my friend until they do something terrible to me to purposely hurt me. That's what true friendship means. The problem with people like you, is you don't understand any of that. You treat friends like it's a status symbol, an accessory, or something to stave off boredom.
@@AcademicEndeavor" You don't kick your friends to the curb for fake superficial reasons because of an ego trip. "💙💙💙 I agree.
@@AcademicEndeavor YES! He’s making it seem like friendship is transactional and like dating/ a corporate relationship. Sounds super toxic. I could never give away a friend unless they wronged me super badly. Then again, I’m a really good judge of character and pick the right, good people, so maybe I just don’t relate.
Reading these two parts I don't think you understand that not all friendships are meant to be forever and you're letting your past history effect you understanding of friendships. Everyone has had "friends" that have been downgraded to an acquittance and you're lying to yourself if you don't think you've this hasnt happened to you.
It be from changing interest, location or what have you- these things happen.
I agree that not all friendships are meant to last forever, and some can indeed be toxic. However, to suggest that outgrowing a friend is the reason for ending a relationship seems inappropriate. Toxic friends are not true friends at all, they represent an abusive relationship. Friendships should not simply be seen as a label, but rather as meaningful connections with individuals who support and uplift us. Recognizing toxic behavior and separating ourselves from negative influences is essential and necessary. It's not about outgrowing someone, it's about prioritizing our own well-being. If one chooses to end a friendship because they feel the other person is "not on their level", it may be more reflective of their own insecurities rather than the friend's shortcomings. It's important to assess our own behavior and motivations in these situations, as true growth comes from self-reflection and understanding, not blame and resentment.
I 100% agree with this advice. I am a business owner and only became who I became once I let go of my friends and made new ones who are a part of my new group.
I had to walk away from a couple of people I thought were my friends because of what felt like some high school level drama. A third person who was very clear about not liking me pretty much just told me that the people I thought were my friends did not like me. And when I asked them what it was that bothered them, they told me that I had to figure it out for myself.
That's when I realized that even if I "figured it out," these people clearly were not invested very much in our friendship. If they had wanted to continue being friends, they would have been able to point out exactly what it was I did that bothered them so much. Even if I worked on myself, they had pretty much said without saying that it was not going to be an equal relationship. So, I decided I would simply stop engaging with them in our larger friend group.
The wisdom in your videos. They just get better and better, my love you are such a brilliant, open eyed human 💖
Bro outgrown his friends 💀
I literally just outgrew my friends who drink, smoke and rave almost every week. In 2023, I became super close to them because I had noone else in my life and became someone who drank AT MINIMUM once a week. In September of 2023, I had a dissociation period where I began to question the very fabric of reality. I also began to question who was "really" my friend. I was always considered the "mediator" or "therapist friend" but barely anybody checks on the therapist friend right? I began to put myself first in 2024 and I have not been happier. I still see these friends from time to time, but I don't go out ot my way to hang out with them as I have other people in my life who fit this stage in my life better. Do I miss the fun we had? Yes of course. Would I go back in time and warm my prior self about them? Probably. Do I regret the times I spent with them? Absolutely not. Sometimes, people grow apart and that's ok :)
“Outgrow” implies that one party becomes better and more superior than the other. In certain situations, yes, but I would say “change” is a more appropriate word. Our life circumstance/outlook/socioeconomic situation/interests may change and we’re no longer charting the same course, hence the friendship falls apart.
I've watched a few videos about this topic since it is something I struggle a lot with, it's nice to hear people talking about this but it's usually nothing new. For the first time I can say that this video brought me new perspectives on this topic. You're really intelligent and well-spoken, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us
Glad you're channel's getting the algorithm it deserves :) gret take on the topic as well!
This cutie needs more recognition 😭💖 he's such an eloquent speaker, I'm enthralled every time he speaks words of wisdom! Also I must say, switching from locked friendships is hard, but it's oftentimes for the best. Sometimes it's gotta happen, and that's ok! It's just a sign to restart your social life with new people who you can resonate or smile with.
I totally agree!!
Cutie lol as a guy i think this is you flirting😂
@@nittani. Lol I call any guy or girl who's attractive a cutie 😂 I'm not really a "flirty" type and I've almost NEVER had an interest in romantic relationships.
he is really cute, though
you're absolutely right
My friendships have completely changed over the years. It’s mainly due to different paths in life. I’ve only maintained contact with a very small handful of people since my high school and college years. I don’t think it’s malicious. We just end up pursuing different paths in life as we get older. It’s natural. People just go their separate ways after high school and college and that’s okay. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of getting older and growing wiser.
narcissists trying to justify their being assholes lmao
I see you have so much depth and insight! Threatened much?
So weird TH-cam recommended this. It's literally what I've been going through but haven't looked up anything about it. Weird coincidence I guess. I appreciate you sharing this 🙏
I’m surprised you get the opportunity to actively let go of friends. With closure at least on your end. The reality for me has been just a long period of no contact, followed by ghosting if one side does reach out. No animosity, just ambivalence. You want to see them, but at the same time are hesitant and it never ends up happening.
Wow! What an interesting perspective.
Yup. I think it's necessary to change your friends as you evolve. Hard pill to swallow, but its true.
In what did you evolve, an Uber mens?
Great video, you're wise beyond your years.
I'd even go a bit further. If your 'friend' wants you to remain static and prevent your growth for their own "psychological safety", then that's enough of a reason to fizzle out the friendship, in my point of view. I celebrate my friends' growth journeys, and expect them to do the same.
I feel very fortunate to be blessed with an excellent friend group that I've had since high school (we're 36 now) - and we've celebrated and consoled each other since.
Our lives have diverged somewhat (professionally and personally), and we obviously communicate less than we used to because we have a lot more responsibility, but we've always been there for each other to lift each other up or celebrate together.
For example, I'm going to have a phone call with one of my friends later today where I'll help him grow - we'll discuss married life, as I'm married with three kids and he got engaged recently, while he sent me some professional growth materials a few days ago that are very relevant to my profession.
Find and treasure those you can grow with - it's a lot more fun for everyone.
Hi James, great advice, and something that I've experienced now that I'm in my late 30s. Also, I recognize those buildings behind you, that's Gantry Plaza in LIC!
@@tommilano5431 thanks Tom! I see you’re a fellow NYer as well 😃
There is a Fleetwood Mac song I really like called “Planets of the Universe”. It’s more of a breakup song but it truly captured how I feel ending a long-term friendship. When I listened to that song for the first time, I almost cried. I’d like to recommend that song to anyone who is going through a similar situation.
This is exactly what happened to me and I love how it was well-explained.
I just subscribed too and I do firmly believe you will gain more subscribers in the near future. Keep it up!!
Thanks for subbing!
we treasure old friends but I guess it really comes to a point where your values and priorities start to polarize. one friend who doesn’t wan’t to grow up and another friend who wants to grow up.
You hit my most significant friendship break-up bullseye. Friendships can turn into translations losing from one another, and that is okay as life offers endless learnings for everyone. Nevertheless, I can be friends with them again but for now, I want them to care for themselves surrounding themselves with better people and continue growing in their personal ways.
You know you've outgrown your friends when you're about to pass their house on the way home and you walk a different way.
No, I just like their dogs.
Moved on from my little Discord friend group.
For me, the moment I knew I had to get out was when we got a woman *gasp* to join the chat and everyone was acting like I was a uber simp for just trying to get to know her.
Made me realize I will literally never ever ever get a gf hanging with these dudes. I suspect they might even be a bit gay (way too many ironic femboy jokes etc), which is fine but im not that.
Honestly, this should always be emotional. The only people I've actively ditched were straight up toxic and had no motivation to become serious about their ambitions. Money is not that important
This got recommended at the perfect time, thank you.
i needed to hear this. thank you.
THANK GOD FOR MY FRRRRRIENDS! I wish you all great friends. It really helps.
Perfect timing for this video.
I feel kind of detached from my friends too ( they play 8 hours video games a day ) and we did not really felt nicely together. I am thinking about breaking up this friendship too but I do not see any clear alternatives and I don't want to be alone.
What should I do ?
I’d encourage you to start exploring/creating new friendships with people who are more aligned with your interests and where you are at or want to be in life.
Depending on the status of your current friendships, I would be curious if you can maybe have a conversation about how you’re feeling with them.
This can be tricky as it requires you to be vulnerable. I encourage you to follow your intuition.
@@James-Zhang I would add that you shouldn't burn bridges. They might be important later on. Just pausing the friendship by investing minimum energy in the friendship might be an option.
After I was ousted from my religion, and my old friends ignored me, that's when it all changed for me. I experienced the world, made changes, improved my body and mindset, and centered my self, that's when I wanted nothing to do with my old friends. I outgrew them. They didn't have goals, complained why they couldn't attract the opposite sex, and ignored all the obvious things about them that needed improvement. Now, I just want to be alone, but I crave human connection and friendship, but with like minded people
thank you for sharing your insight on this topic. Before I went to college this year, I had a friend who I considered to be the closest friend I ever had up until that point. I felt very strongly towards them, but after College and meeting many others including friends who I really connected and bonded with + plus a multitude of other experiences that greatly changed my motivations and passions in life, coming back to see them this summer, I felt like I had just blasted to the past from a year ago. I felt upset because I used to hold this person so dear, but now it feels like I am forced to be the person I used to be with them, and because I am not doing that, there is a weird rift between us. I've been contemplating fizzling out our relationship this summer, and now this video helps to accommodate those feelings I have. It's our own journey but it's quite comforting when we can relate to others in life.
Or you know, you could just tell them up-front that you are not interested in them anymore, instead of playing games to your advantage. Don't you think as someone who was dear to you, they deserve that honesty? Fizzling out... not cool honestly.
All I'm trying to say is... you don't want them to waste your time - don't waste theirs either!
This video is very timely, i needed to hear this.
great video needed to hear this going through some strange feelings with friendships in my life and the value I feel like i receive from my friends
People come and go. And that’s completely normal. The older you get the more friends you lose because you don’t have enough time for all of them. As long as you have at least 1 FRIEND you will be fine
Thanks for making this video. I've been struggling a lot with my relationship with my parents who invalidate me, and think this video could be applied to most situations.
It's really painful. I've always been dedicated to self-improvement and lost friends, and even when i slowed down it was constant internal turmoil of not becoming who I could be. Trying to save it, to no avail. It makes you not want to pursue any more friendships in the future.
Careful, the tables might turn around. Your old friends might leap you and forget about you. It’s a marathon, and not a sprint. You may be ahead today, but may fall to the bottom in the future, and you wish you have friends when you’re there.
Deep friendship involves sacrifices that most people are just not willing to take.
And that is okay. A lot of people don’t have a deep friendship, and still live a happy life.
the way you talk is nice to hear ❤️🙏🏻
I think many times is not about different “growth rates”, but rather about going in different directions. I lives 12 years in Japan, and my friends before that have learned other things while I was leaning Japanese culture. But we still meet and talk about our different experiences. Of course it’s easier to speak with people who have have gone through similar experiences to ours, but you don’t have to limit yourself to that.
Good video. You must have learnt this through lots of suffering.
I feel like life’s greatest lessons come through lots of suffering 😅
Imo it’s shortsighted to think that friendship endings must have a “grower” and the immature or stagnant one. People falling apart happens all the time, in part due to differences in where they live, school, work, hobbies, etc. A fundamental part of life is change, but to view one transformation as objectively/morally correct is simply not true. Some protagonist mentality, thinking that your unwillingness to hangout with them is only due to your development as a person.
I'm glad to see comments like this. He has a very unhealthy outlook on friendships for sure.
@@jessedong2148 yeah… seems like self-help books have everyone feeling like they’re a philosopher💀
Would love to have all your YT videos as episodes in your own podcast if you decide to have one. Personally podcast can be opened in the background as opposed to YT vids
You’re not the first person to tell me this. I will do this actually. Thanks!
nice video! absolutely agree with what you've said :)
When I was in middle school, I had a sudden urge to make a better grade. I eventually got a higher grade, always top 1 of the class. My friend suddenly angry at me and she didn’t hide a bit of her anger. She basically stop talking to me and said mean things about my success. I don’t remember how we make up later, we are still friend in high school. She has a darker skin and I am brighter(we are both Asian), I don’t know it was one of her inferiority complex. She gets mad at me again, even we didn’t really argue about it, I can feel we are not that close anymore. I have others friend that are closer and she has too. After we graduated, we never contact again.
Main character syndrome
When did wanting to grow as a person and being your best self be considered main character syndrome
@MoisesCornejoxo there's a fine line between between being the main character in your own story and guest appearing in others story vs hijacking other people roles as their own main character in their own life, and making them your side kick or support role 24/7 in your life. You can't make others live their lives for your purposes, or summon people at your will and dispose of them as you please.
I agree. Wait until his other friends "outgrow" him and look down on him. This guy nvr really understand the concept of friendship
several things I gotta say.
1st, people who bully you ain't your friend. Get rid of them.
2nd, friends will support you, they won't be jealous, mostly.
3rd, be humble and listen to others. Do not think that you are above other people just because you have different opinion or you have 2 more zeros in your bank account.
4th, ego should not exist within friends. You are on the same side. Let go of your ego and try to provide for your friends, if they are truly your friends.
5th, people who take advantage of you ain't your friends. Get rid of them also.
Be humble, be true, be helpful, be strong.
How many friends do you have. Let me guess..... None!
@@lylelaney8270 You...honestly think that? I hope for the best for you.
@@user-lj4sd2jr5h I don't think. I know.
I feel as though I will be really lonely if I don't branch out more and try to find more social friends. I also felt like I did everything I could for one of my friends and they never reciprocated the same kind of care, and started to resent me for some reason.
Also, you have to decide between the comfort of the familiar and the risks of the unknown. Ideally, both parties should be growing and becoming better. If you can do that together that is great but in the end, the reality is that you must grow to the point of being able to depend on only yourself.
His friends watching this video might feel sad and hurt 😢
I'm the friend that never grew up. I'm actually happy for them
Solution: find someone who will grow with you instead of staying stationary the whole time.
I get it, it is starting to feel that way the more I am doing with my life.
Reason why I’ve decided to ghost my cousins, they won’t accept the new person I want to be and still think I’m the same irresponsible person I used to be.
So deep and intelligent! Thanks for this content ❤
What I needed to here today
what if they outgrow you?
That happens too.
You dont outgrow, you take different paths. Doesnt mean it wont lead you back to an intersection down the line to catch up before moving on with your journey again.
You dont need to cut off healthy relationships just cause you dont have same goal or have similar likes or dislikes for that matter. Focus on yourself and once in a while, hit em up and just be a good friend yourself and catch up.
It’s a different matter if they’re literally in the wrong side of the law and you need to get away from that, tho.
@@xImbaLANCEx agreed. The cutting them off thing is way too extreme. You can find enjoyment with any friend, even ones who you’ve had disagreements/problems with.
Watching this because I am ending my friendship soon with someone. I got tired on being the one who carry all the time. I also felt being held back because of her and no matter what I teach to her is she never learn and I feel she is jealous of me as well. She tries hard to be pretty and it always makes her bitter that I am that pretty friend. But the thing that really push me to end it it's because she isn't capable of emotional support. She just ends up sugar coating her words just to please me but not the words of comfort at all. I know she isn't smart even though I ended up mainly making our 2 thesis because she keeps making mistakes and not even sure what content to put in and I can't even rely on her on proof reading because she doesn't know how to spot the errors. I always ace my academics better than her. She isn't resourceful. I don't think I have a friend instead I am taking care of a child. I never felt I could rely on her. She doesn't feel like a safety net for me. She can't fight for me and she can't keep up with me. I am only staying for a while after the thesis is bind. I can't help her anymore in 4th year. She needs to toughen up on her own and not act pitiful. I know she'll be fine because I know her boyfriend, best friends to be exact and I am also best friends with her so I am also ending my friendship with him as well. I just didn't like he always meddle with my music style and he can't keep up with me as well. Also him being religious and trying to apply it to everything made me uncomfortable. His religious group are trying to coax me to join but I don't want to. They are putting me in the spot to trap me to teach others of what I do but I just want to grow and I don't trust myself to teach because I know my knowledge isn't enough so I can't create promises I can't keep, they are gaslighting me that it's enough but I know it is not. I plan to go somewhere far but it seems that these people assumed and made plans for me that I didn't know.
Something similar happened to me when i decided i wanted to change for the better (among my friend circle i was more of a jokster).
I was becoming so different from them that I couldn't talk about anything that i enjoyed now (reading, working out and studies ) and just gave me weirded out looks whenever i even tried to initiate thos type of topic.
Much happier having a single good friend that's also on the same path , the other guys were mentally draining and demotivating .
They felt the same about you.
Very timely vid. I like what you shared that we should really ask for feedback from them. It will help me grow. Now i have to think about the question at the end. Keep up your work James.
Not hard, but people prefer to follow a group morre than think for themselves, we must find the one who fit our mind proactively
I can't tolerate a friend who lies for her own benefits and plays victim. Better walk away from that kind of friend.