In my case it was different. I saw that things were bad in my family, but everyone dismissed me or told me that I didn't know how hard it was to be a parent, "my mother was very tired during childbirth and I should be grateful" (even though she had a cesarean section and I didn't know anything about childbirth to protest), I'm spoiled and picky and I should be nice to my family, etc. etc
@@doulalina The first time my sister-in-law visited my parents and me she saw firsthand the family dynamic in which my sibling and I were raised. I overheard her make a comment on the behavior being abusive, to which I wanted to reply "That's just a typical day around here. Welcome to the family!" She and my sibling have been divorced for quite a few years now. These days she's doing what she loves and seems happy and successful. I am happy for her and couldn't be prouder of her!
I left my narcissistic husband and he left me high and dry. Now I make more money than he does. The jealousy on his face when he found out what and how much I will be making made me smile. He promised me the world but gave me nothing but neglect, love bombing, gaslighting and cheating. The last 9 years of my life are gone but I have a future without him. I’d say I’m the winner.
@@leslietinyhousebuilderwann3851 You are very courageous. It’s best not to waste another 9-25 years on someone that is as negative as most Narcissists are. They get worse and more grouchy as they grow older.
If you do decide to "act" on your urge to break the relationship, its the friends and family enabling the narcissist who will turn on you, and call you the villain for disturbing the equilibrium. They will try to make you take back your decision. They will deny everything you say, and defend the narcissist as if their own honor depended on it. It can feel like a cult.
THIS. RIGHT. HERE. 👆👆👆I just said on another creator's channel who specializes in blunting narcissistic abuse, just yesterday, that creators need to spend more time on the TOTAL SOCIAL ISOLATION that happens if you go NC, or LC ... or if you even push back if you're an adult offspring charged with the care of a narcissistic elder 😢❤
To Rohitlal..Thanks for the warning. That’s all good to know. I am planning to leave a Bible study so I can leave without hurting anyone’s feelings. I am going to try to take a part time job. I will expect some backlash, but me leaving is for my own well being. The Narcissist (my sister in law) in the group is just too malicious to handle anymore. I get attacked every week by her. For instance…We go out to lunch afterward the Bible Study and the Narcissist will say to me, Oh that waitress doesn’t like you or she will say it’s not your turn to speak yet, or she will tell me that another waitress told her that I stir my straw in my drink trying to get the waitress to fill my glass! If that waitress told her that then that waitress made an assumption about me that wasn’t true. I have never stirred my straw for that reason. I might have a habit of stirring my straw, but it was never to get the waitresses attention. Why is this Narcissist and the waitress talking about me behind my back? I stopped going to lunches now. It’s crazy the things this Narcissist says to me. She doesn’t do it to any other member of the group. I was at her house at Christmas and she said to me, “I told you not to open presents yet!” I said I didn’t do that. Then I ignored her. Come to find out, My 40 year old son had gotten the presents under the tree for the children so they could open them. She looks for things to get onto me about. It’s crazy.
“In the beginning of the relationship we felt that we were too quick to judge, and at the end, we felt that we were too slow in seeing it all. We were foolish for staying & feel full of shame.” -Dr. Ramani 💯
I’m sure all my children’s friends think I’m the worst mother that ever lived because I walked away from my two grown daughters. Thankfully, I never have to see these people again. I know the truth of what happened and I know that I had to leave to save myself.
I left just over 2 months ago. My daughter came with me, but my son stayed. My own family members haven't spoken to me in months because I filed for separation. His smear campaigns were so effective. I knew for a long time that I wasn't in a good relationship, I just didn't know how to get out. It was a process that involved untangling the enmeshment that he had put me in financially and emotionally. Setting up my own bank accounts, phone in my own name, buying my own laptop, etc. All my friends were the spouses of his friends, so they are gone as well. I have never felt stronger 💪🏻 ✨️ or more at peace. It didn't all unfold overnight, but it finally did happen. Whatever path you choose, make it the right one for you and not anyone else. ❤ Stay safe!
@@beverlyadams7205 Enjoy your new life!! You get to start your life all over again. Stay away from negative, grouchy, unhappy, resentful narcissists people.
@@trying2survive602 Ever tried moving 1600 miles away?? I highly recommend it. 17 years later my son finally is back in my life and even moved to where I am at. He too wanted a change of life.
Same here. I was raised in a household in which I was treated like I was”nothing but a pain in the ass.” It was confusing, always people angry at me no wonder what the hell I did. I was the youngest of parents tired of kids, and the others were resentful towards me, thinking I got more from my Parents than they did. There were 4 siblings one year apart from each other, than a 3 year gap, then OOPS! Me. A Husband I thought was happy suddenly left me for an old girlfriend, & it made me a mess , riddled with abandonment issues. I was an easy target for the narcissistic monster that it took 18 years together rid of . He finally died from his toxic habits , and I was finally free of his monstrous behavior. But the anger I feel towards myself for putting up with him is overwhelming.
@@francesmartel7948 Forgive yourself for past mistakes. You were young and believed people would treat you better. It’s best to let a man go that is still in love with his first love. You were the second class love. No one should be the second class love in a marriage. It’s time you love yourself over others now. Be good to YOU. Go on vacations. Go to shows, eat at your favorite restaurants, even if you do it alone, is better than being with someone who is grouchy and negative.
@@francesmartel7948 i feel your pain. I am so glad he is gone even if I know the anger you feel is huge. If I can suggest try the oponopono prayer/meditation. It helped me a bit
Yes, I tried to manage the situation. It only got worse and worse until I finally went no contact. That’s the best thing I did. It wasn’t easy but it saved ME.
With every narcissist I’ve ever known, I stayed too long. Part of this is my need to be a people pleaser, but this video got me thinking about something else, too. The overwhelming majority of my friendships have been with good, non-narcissistic people. As a result, I assume that every friend is not a narcissist. So when one shows up, I assume the best and let them in. Then when someone turns out to be a narcissist, I blame myself, and the whole damn thing starts over again. Narcissists are bad people. Period.
Remember the adage, fool me once… to our shame we give them a second chance! Now I know better & simply look for that first letdown & then cut ties immediately. You can now trust yourself to discern the truth about others & the natural follow through will be no contact with abuse
The two years since I walked away from my older daughter and 7 months since I walked away from her sister have been painful but at the same time, I’m finally learning who I really am as a human being. They were the last in a long line of narcissists in my life. I’m 76 and this Christmas spent alone is the best one I can remember.
I wish I had had someone to give me this sort of advice in early life. I feel I have lived under rocks. Your insights will help others to lead a more fulfilled life.. Thank you for deciphering this awkward complex subject and giving it a name so it can be more widely discussed and understood.
We get stuck with narcissists because we’re unaware. We don’t see what they’re trying to do. But view it as an observe. Be thankful for what they’ve displayed to you. It then gives you the option to decide whether or not you want that in your life. Their mask slipping is usually not even their choice. It’s just inevitable. It’s something they can’t control. Be glad that they couldn’t control it. Because now you know.
I believe that, but behind closed doors they seem to get a thrill out of it. Maybe it's a moment of relief from their own BS. But, last night I heard some confirmation from my son about how he is known to handle things at work. That made me feel bad for him but then it's how he chooses to deal. It's like their mind is on overload. Their gimmicks might be well known by that point.
Was totally conditioned to fear hurting or upsetting the narc as a child, something I spent my life doing. Have spent years working it out of my system, gradually letting go of all the family member narcs. Only then did I really feel the brunt of the burden on my body that holding onto the narc, was taking. Wow! Am shocked and saddened that I did that to myself... out of love for family. Finally feeling so free to be my authentic self 🙏
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Money. I don't have the money to leave, and they made sure of that before I was old enough to understand or know that such a thing as narcissism existed.
My whole life my parents had me convinced I wasn't good with money. Meanwhile I had one parent undergoing early stages of dementia purchasing toy trains, wines of the month (that they should not have been drinking anyway) and As-seen-on TV gadgets unused in the original boxes and the other parent with closets full of clothes and shoes unworn with the tags still on them. I have a sibling who has had full legal control over my portion of the inheritance from my mother. I haven't seen or heard from him in seven years. Three different lawyers say that I'M the one out of luck. They say money doesn't buy happiness. Maybe so, but it might buy you a chance at freedom and a little peace of mind if only for a little while. ie. I totally get what you're saying.
@@Know1uknow-g5h Never listen to what a Narcissist says.. They are just trying to control you and rule your life. They will steal your life away from you. And take your peace. They usually resent you too, especially if you won’t let them control you.
Rita Moreno has spoken a lot about her dysfunctional relationship with Marlon Brando (lots of videos on TH-cam of her discussing it). She said that in so many relationships, there's an unspoken, subconscious "deal", with both partners unconsciously teaming up with the other to play out their dysfunction. In her relationship with Marlon Brando, she said the "deal" was "You be my good daddy and I'll be your little geisha girl". So incredibly wise and insightful. We often have no awareness of how we're behaving and what we subconsciously want.
You get stuck trying to save and fix them. You get stuck cause of the little glimmers of hope. You get stuck cause you still believe. You get stuck because you've wasted so much time. You get stuck ruminating for hours. You get stuck in the in between...the part where you feel yourself letting them go, which they certainly sense too..then display hope/potential or another problem for you to fix and the cycle continues or begins again. Ugh.
This whole video is brilliant - as usual - but 13:30 hit me the hardest -- the idea of the "perfect survivor", someone who knows the exact "right time" to leave and follows through. This is something I've felt shame about -- I still struggle with it, but one thing I have noticed is how some people become stuck for a lifetime and never leave, and I'm so glad that I left even if I feel I waited too long to do so.
Some of these videos are so spot-on, I’m left speechless. Dr. Ramani says it all about shame and how it’s used against us. Turning into 2025, I continue to listen to her with gratitude. . .
I am widowed 4 years. I knew something was terribly wrong, but was half convinced the problems were mostly my fault. I had been raised with an abusive father so most of my husband’s behavior seemed normal. I read “Why Does He Do That?” I then started going to therapy.
On Christmas Eve, (this year) I was triggered by a situation and later tried to explain what happened to those who had invited me for supper. Instead of understanding, they called me childish and blocked me when I asked for an adult conversation. When I saw the message calling me childish, I couldn’t believe it and just started laughing. I wasn’t dependent on them at all-if anything, they were dependent on me.
@@theresesilvawalker8407 I'm thinking about all the money I'll be saving.. All the extra food all actually have. Well, the way I look at it, is that at least I'm getting rid of all the toxic people before the New Year. My hope for next year is that people will take me seriously.
Thank you for allowing me to scrape off all of the ickness of shame & guilt & place it back firmly on the ex malignant narcissist where it has always belonged It took me decades to leave behind the physical violence, the blatant betrayals, keeping all the trains running on time, paying all household bills, debts that he owed & yes he finally threatened our youngest 17 year old before I got the final safety order and then divorcing him I carried all the shame and guilt for exposing my children to his toxic behaviour that lasted years I grew up with this and was conditioned to this awful toxic behaviour so for me to be able to affilirm with myself that none of his behaviour was my fault is hugely important I had to listen twice to your brilliant video to process it all Thank you for your work. I am eternally grateful to you for saving my sanity .
Such a great observation! Oh so true! They need us to believe that we are 'bad', so we give in and in and in... It's quite subtle and you have explained it so well. It is very obvious now! Thank you soo much, Dr. Ramani! Happy New Year!
This is the best video I’ve ever watched regarding this topic. For once , someone is addressing the victim’ s experience rather than explaining the abuser. I needed to hear this RIGHT NOW, even after 9 years free from a 34 year nightmare. Thank you !
Today is 31st December 2024 and this video deserves an award for being probably one of your best and Outstanding Performances of the year. I am still struggling to understand myself although I am a daily listener to your amazing insights and awesome talks. Thank you Doctor Ramini for keeping me sane in 2024, I couldn’t have made it without your support, help and encouragement. Happy New Year Dr Ramini sending you love 💕 and best regards ❤
Went through a bullying situation at school and they kept telling me to give it a chance they kept telling me they didn't mean to. And it seems like the more understanding I was the worse the situation got. When I was 16 I ran away from home because I had to break free of that. My whole adulthood has consisted of deprogramming because of this erroneous belief in our society and in ourselves!
Fear of the future, debt, family pressure, religion, failure or responsibility, the cycle of love bombing, "keeping up appearances", gradual erosion of confidence and self esteem, poor support system, pity for a chronic illness, living as numb or gray rock. I'm sure there's more. I finally truly saw that I was not loved, and they found a new supply. I decided I preferred the unknown, the shame, the fear of being broke and unable to maintain my family, and admitting failure, to being unloved and enduring that life. The scales finally fell from my eyes. The best thing I did was getting out. I only regret was that it took so long to see the crazy and find the strength.
@@Rickettsia505 Excellent post. You showed everyone the fears that kept us all in bondage. Narcissists do not know how to love. They just want to control us and steal our peace and our lives. Stay strong against them. Stay indifferent towards them. Be unconcerned over their mean words. Go DEEP Don’t Defend yourself Don’t Explain yourself Don’t Engage with them Don’t Personalize Don’t take what they say personally. They are evil, frustrated, hateful. grouchy, negative people. Distance yourself from them as much as possible.
100% Yep! That right there was half my problem in life. I had a fear of judging other people. I always felt like I was doing something wrong if I had any judgemental or critical thought about anyone at all, no matter how true it was - I wouldn't even let myself discern whether or not it was true because in my mind, judging other people was wrong. Thanks to all this education available now through content like yours, I started working on getting rid of that destructive habit in 2013 and now I have NO fear of discerning who people really are.
Retroactively, it's a wonder how so many smart, good-hearted, selfless, hardworking, driven, flexible, patient, and easy-to-get-along people lose decades of our lives to PARASITES who suck us dry. If you're in a narcissistic relationship and read this, believe this: it doesn't get any better. You will lose your life and your health to this. Get out NOW, whatever it takes. You don't have unrealistic expectations. You're just asking the WRONG PERSON!!! ❤
Yes. I got out after 40 years of marriage. A good friend of mine said if I hadn't gotten out I would have died because of how physically and emotionally ill I was.
I found myself attached to how they made me feel, not them personally, but an emotional dependency, needing them to make me feel good. But, I soon realized that it was just their play, and it was obvious that they really didn't care, and that was when I'd give up on them.
Of all Dr. Ramani’s great videos, for me this may be the most impactful one yet. After 30 years, I left a painful marriage 3 years ago. Everything in my experience is outlined and confirmed here. Vert grateful!
Grew up with a narcissistic mother. Dad enabled her 100%. If I should ask him for help--- even at age 9/10 years old--- he had one and only one comeback to me that in HIS mind resolved my problems: " She's your MOTHER". Says it all!
THANK YOU! The tendency to blame ourselves, subscribe to the belief that forgiveness means a reconciliation and continuation of the relationship, listening to the voices of those who would insist that we are being overly sensitive, are all factors that contribute to remaining stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for helping us to finally wake up.
Recently, I had a challenging split. The breakup of my five-year relationship a few months ago has been quite difficult. I still harbor a deep affection for my ex-boyfriend, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. My attempts to win him back have been unsuccessful, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anybody else. It may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and can't stop thinking about him.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without him, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring him back into my life if you're open to it, seeking help from a spiritual counselor might make a difference.
I simply used your useful information to look him up online. Amazing I looked up Father Obah Eze online, and he seems like a sincere person. Again, thank you ❤
This rings so true to me. I stayed in multiple bad relationships, one particularly which was abusive in multiple ways, because I kept feeling like I had to excuse bad behavior as just “no one’s perfect”. And that would get turned on me, like how can I judge when I’m not perfect either? But I have to remind myself that while everyone has flaws, not everyone’s flaws are felonies. Not everyone has exes who accused them of assault. Not everyone has a long history before you of DUIs and then blames you for the reason they drink. Not everyone fails to pay their utility bills and when the heat goes off and the water is ice cold, tells you you’re high maintenance when you complain about it.
Hi. Are you dating my ex? His name is Blake, from Littleton Colorado. He got his third DUI and vehicular assault charge in 2023 from his 2022 DUI car crash. If so, girl, run.
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for all your support. It has been a tough last few months, but knowing who I truly am and getting out has been so freeing!! Thank you for videos such as this one. Knowing that it wasn't me has given me great strength 💪🏻 You have helped me so much!!❤
Word for word is exactly how I feel in this moment. Stuck....is one of the hardest places to be for me. I am extremely grateful for your knowledge and guidance through this tornado of emotions. Looking down this darkened tunnel, your insight and understanding, helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As dim as it is right now, many others have followed before me and their courage and perseverance, I hang onto. ❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani
Narcissists love joining in on sadness and grief mirroring that to feel understood in the world, pertaining to there emotions, or how they see their selves in the world. And every one else is a kitten killer.
I dated a narcissist and I had one foot out, ready to leave and he broke up with me. He said he cared about me but never really showed he did. He was good at playing a part and he called himself a jerk. I was so angry with myself for so long because I considered myself a strong woman. I somehow lost myself. I think that is what they do. He is of the grandiose variety.
As usual, you nail it on the head Dr. Ramani. On Monday I will be 6 months no contact. Then my only focus is getting their stuff back to them. I couldn't have done it without your help and understanding. Thank you so much!
Yeah- I kept thinking my triggers were from a previous relationship. I didn’t realize it was from the one I was IN. Due to the lying-gaslighting, I thought it was previous relationship issues…I thought my “gut” was mis directing …”nope” after years of processing…and them dismissing any “discussion”, never wrong. Etc. it wasn’t me-it’s them
@@JackieFerrell-f6o First: I’m very sorry about your father and what he did. Second: a counselor told me once-a trigger happened because of what someone did to you NOW. Your mind wants to protect you, so you can be safe. I pray healing over all of us-from the inside out-and that we figure out how to walk in it in Jesus name.
@@lisaallen9339Thank-you so much. I discovered what you said when my ex-husband shamed me. I kept thinking that the past was trying to contaminate the present. I figured out about a month later that it was the other way around. After my divorce was final, I thought that the abuse I suffered from with my ex-husband likely caused the memories of what my father did to surface. Living with agoraphobia for 37 years, I really thought again it was from the past. No, my therapist said the agoraphobia was my mind trying to protect me from the present. I couldn't face that my then husband would abuse me like my father did, so I made the outside world unsafe because I couldn't face that my relationship was unsafe. Telling me what your therapist said is very validating for me and I appreciate this very much.
Really nicely explained how and why Betrayal Blindness works and keeps us stuck! Thank you for posting and doing all this work and publishing it. So important, and very subtle inter relational dynamics that are hard to identify, explain and then realize the impact on those being targeted by psychological war-faring Narcs.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your perspective of narcissistic relationships where some may see these nuances of experiences that we go through that we are bad for what we may put up with those with narcissistic traits, (go along to get along analogy). That we have not stated to be true to ourselves where we do not see the narcissists behavior toward us as toxic, or hurtful.
This video is so empowering! I always blame myself if things not going well in a relationship. To recognize this default mode of shame will help me in the next relationship. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
Happy New Year Dr. Ramini. And Happy Birthday. You've been my guide throughout the year. Thank you. I wrote about you on Reddit in response to a request on whether narcissists know how to love. I said you are the authority. My response was narcissists are people with arrested development and if you can identify one, walk the other way.
Wow, this puts into words what I have felt for a long time but couldn't describe. I am now thinking about the things I've experienced and why I am afraid to talk about it with people. My husband would always turn things around on me, and I would doubt myself and wonder if I was crazy. Sometimes, the abuse is so subtle it's hard to describe.
Married one. Had children with him. Kept hoping he’d change (grow up!!) but after 24 years it’s clear he will never grow up or be the type of person I’d want to be with. Just waiting for the kids to grow up (11 and 15) then I’m OUT!
Same! I have an 11 year old and I haven’t left because I’m afraid to share custody with someone I do not trust so I stay to protect my son.. I’m counting the years as if it’s a prison sentence and I have 7 years until I make parole
This video perfectly explains the unhealthy narc relationship. I was told I was the problem by my mom and it stuck foorrrever. I was not worth more, I was not very smart and female so I would need someone to care for me. I am two months free of one of several narcs I let into my life. No chaos! No disapproval! No more eating shit to have some peace b/c I am not affectionate enough to the vampire sucking the spirit out of me. It is not super easy I am 64 ….but I am staying very close to videos like this. BTW I have had a great career and turns out I am smart enough.I am blessed, on a much more healthy path, Life is good and God is faithful.
Listening to you, I realized most likely my mom was a narcissist too 😢 no wonder I ended up falling in love with one. Dr. Ramani you're awesome, thank you very much
I got stuck because I made a deathbed promise to her father to take care of her. In the end, that promise meant way more to me than it did to her. Even after she discarded me, I tried my best to be there for her. That meant nothing to her. I finally had to give up. I still feel guilty.
@@sparkygump God will bless you for trying though. Especially since you made a promise of yes. Matthew 5:37. If she/he is a non believer in Christ and didn’t want to be around you, then you are no longer bound. 1Corinthians 7:15, 1Corinthians 6:16-16.
I have found these talks (and also those by Les Carter) important for me, esp.where certain family relationships have been involved. In a "normal" relationship (which I have experienced) there is no effort to control.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while and over the last 2-3 generations I think we’ve had more single parents than dual parent households which would mean there are probably millions and millions of NPD people in society and most people believe it’s a very low number. At what point does the public conversation about a quarter or more of the population is potentially undiagnosed Narcissists and how do we deal with that as a society? I think a lot of people get into relationships with these people now and say, “Everyone can’t be NPD” and they just put up with the nonsense. It definitely feels like there needs to be a larger public discussion about how to maybe even cauterize this so this large group receives the consequences that are necessary to potentially eradicate it for the next generations.
@ I don’t know about that only because their childhood is what it is and their bottomless pit of need for supply is what it is. There aren’t that many parameters they can adjust without self sacrifice and C’mon now. Lol.
@@Imhotep397Portrayal of single family households in Hollywood t.v. shows and movies have done a good job in normalizing, even celebrating, the single parent household. It's as if a single parent household is a sitcom or 90 minute story with a happily ever after in a beautiful home with spotless, name brand clothes with all the bills paid are the guaranteed end result. Real life for many is far from that fantasy. I'm not saying all single parent households are doomed to fail. But it's very difficult to raise a child properly with two "sane" parents let alone one. The rise and popularity of social media doesn't seem to help things either. For many it serves as a mask behind the mask.
@@Imhotep397 My parents told me "If you can't make the sacrifices we did for you then don't get married and don't have kids." Sometimes after a heated confrontation with my parents there were times I caught myself saying under my breath "I can't wait to have kids so I can treat them like an emotional punching bag over things they have no control of." I wanted to stop the cycle of abuse. I never got married or had any kids!
I’m 76 years old and I live by myself in a senior apartment. I no longer work so I don’t have to be around narcissistic coworkers. I’ve walked away from my narcissistic family and no longer have to be around them. This time alone has allowed me to discover who I am as a human being For the first time in my life. I Don’t go out much. But I think the time will come when I do decide to engage with humanity more extensively. Right now, I’m enjoying being friends with myself and finding out my likes and dislikes for the first time. I wish you luck. In my life, alone is better.
My girlfriend was in a relationship with a narcissist for three years. One of the reasons why she stayed so long in that relationship was she were scared of what he would do if she ended it. When she finally ended it one day, he became violent and hit her a few times. After that, he became a stalker and started a smear campaign against her which is still going on now.
My DIL was charming and sweet and then after the Wedding she became totally Narcissistic/Mask Came Off. She targets me in a very passive aggressive way. She is overly critical and tries to humiliate me in Subtle ways. It is beyond painful and triggers childhood wounds. I would go No Contact, but I want to see my son and grandchildren. Please advise. 🙏💜
Great vedeo Dr. Ramani, thank you 🙏 It helps a lot. David Kessler said once something like we are all doing great in relationships because it is how we learned to be in relationships. Understanding, forgiving ourselves and self compassion are key.
Its complicated because you don’t realise everything from the beginning. Its a process. But it is exactly what you point out that it starts with no trust in the red flags. I just got out of the situation with a narcissist flatmate. It was the worst half a year. But it made me somewhat stuck and frozen and afraid. I was like under control and it was getting worse and worse. She was drug addicted and had many issues and I wanted to help her first. But I quickly understood I have to protect myself. But still the whole process took me so many months to get out of there. It’s crazy. And she still tries to keep control by threatening and demands and other manipulations and even lies. We really have to pay attention to our gut feelings first and pay attention to red flags from the start.
Wow, this is So True. This was me in the Beginning when I didn’t Know what it was…. But, I Know Now….. it’s me Picking up Red-Flags. 💔💔💔 And, it’s Loud Awakening when it’s Someone you don’t want to See it from, whom you Admired + Looked up, too.
Growing up in an abusive home meant the "red flags" were "normal". All of this is spot on!
It's too true. And even if you think you're going in with eyes open, there is always something there that feels familiar...trauma bond. 😢
Same here! 😪
Me too.
Exactly.
Seems to be why it's so hard to re program... And not end up with another monster in your home.
Lots of us were raised by narcs so we didn’t know to expect better.
Exactly 😉 we never knew love but now we get to love ourselves 💔❤️🩹♥️
In my case it was different. I saw that things were bad in my family, but everyone dismissed me or told me that I didn't know how hard it was to be a parent, "my mother was very tired during childbirth and I should be grateful" (even though she had a cesarean section and I didn't know anything about childbirth to protest), I'm spoiled and picky and I should be nice to my family, etc. etc
This is what happened to me.
@@doulalina The first time my sister-in-law visited my parents and me she saw firsthand the family dynamic in which my sibling and I were raised. I overheard her make a comment on the behavior being abusive, to which I wanted to reply "That's just a typical day around here. Welcome to the family!"
She and my sibling have been divorced for quite a few years now. These days she's doing what she loves and seems happy and successful. I am happy for her and couldn't be prouder of her!
@@doulalina Exactly.
I left my narcissistic husband and he left me high and dry. Now I make more money than he does. The jealousy on his face when he found out what and how much I will be making made me smile. He promised me the world but gave me nothing but neglect, love bombing, gaslighting and cheating. The last 9 years of my life are gone but I have a future without him. I’d say I’m the winner.
You ARE!
Absolutely ❤
Lucky you 🍀
Awesomeness
@@leslietinyhousebuilderwann3851 You are very courageous. It’s best not to waste another 9-25 years on someone that is as negative as most Narcissists are. They get worse and more grouchy as they grow older.
I just heard Dr. Ramani say "we have to eat our own shit for these relationships to work." Preach!!
If you do decide to "act" on your urge to break the relationship, its the friends and family enabling the narcissist who will turn on you, and call you the villain for disturbing the equilibrium. They will try to make you take back your decision. They will deny everything you say, and defend the narcissist as if their own honor depended on it. It can feel like a cult.
THIS. RIGHT. HERE. 👆👆👆I just said on another creator's channel who specializes in blunting narcissistic abuse, just yesterday, that creators need to spend more time on the TOTAL SOCIAL ISOLATION that happens if you go NC, or LC ... or if you even push back if you're an adult offspring charged with the care of a narcissistic elder
😢❤
Narcissistic occult families are horrible. They always backup the hurtful and abusive narc....enablers, and flying monkeys, bullies of the narc.
To Rohitlal..Thanks for the warning. That’s all good to know.
I am planning to leave a Bible study so I can leave without hurting anyone’s feelings. I am going to try to take a part time job.
I will expect some backlash, but me leaving is for my own well being. The Narcissist (my sister in law) in the group is just too malicious to handle anymore.
I get attacked every week by her.
For instance…We go out to lunch afterward the Bible Study and the Narcissist will say to me, Oh that waitress doesn’t like you or she will say it’s not your turn to speak yet, or she will tell me that another waitress told her that I stir my straw in my drink trying to get the waitress to fill my glass!
If that waitress told her that then that waitress made an assumption about me that wasn’t true. I have never stirred my straw for that reason. I might have a habit of stirring my straw, but it was never to get the waitresses attention.
Why is this Narcissist and the waitress talking about me behind my back?
I stopped going to lunches now.
It’s crazy the things this Narcissist says to me. She doesn’t do it to any other member of the group.
I was at her house at Christmas and she said to me, “I told you not to open presents yet!”
I said I didn’t do that. Then I ignored her.
Come to find out, My 40 year old son had gotten the presents under the tree for the children so they could open them.
She looks for things to get onto me about.
It’s crazy.
Ohh my God! Thanks for this!! I’ve been in BOTH. Family and in a Cult Church……
Also, with you out of the picture now the narc is going to make even more demands on THEM.
“In the beginning of the relationship we felt that we were too quick to judge, and at the end, we felt that we were too slow in seeing it all. We were foolish for staying & feel full of shame.” -Dr. Ramani 💯
Meanwhile the best years of our lives have been wasted on somebody who couldn’t care less.
This video almost made me cry. It is so bang on. Not to mention the people who judge us as ‘bad’ when we finally go no contact.
I’m sure all my children’s friends think I’m the worst mother that ever lived because I walked away from my two grown daughters. Thankfully, I never have to see these people again. I know the truth of what happened and I know that I had to leave to save myself.
I left just over 2 months ago. My daughter came with me, but my son stayed. My own family members haven't spoken to me in months because I filed for separation. His smear campaigns were so effective. I knew for a long time that I wasn't in a good relationship, I just didn't know how to get out. It was a process that involved untangling the enmeshment that he had put me in financially and emotionally. Setting up my own bank accounts, phone in my own name, buying my own laptop, etc. All my friends were the spouses of his friends, so they are gone as well. I have never felt stronger 💪🏻 ✨️ or more at peace. It didn't all unfold overnight, but it finally did happen. Whatever path you choose, make it the right one for you and not anyone else. ❤ Stay safe!
@ brilliant! Only we who have walked the walk understand what this is all about. Thank you for sharing your story.
@@beverlyadams7205 Enjoy your new life!!
You get to start your life all over again.
Stay away from negative, grouchy, unhappy, resentful narcissists people.
@@trying2survive602 Ever tried moving 1600 miles away?? I highly recommend it. 17 years later my son finally is back in my life and even moved to where I am at.
He too wanted a change of life.
The simple reason that I got stuck in this toxic relationship is that I didn’t believe I deserved better. That’s it.
Same here.
Same here. I was raised in a household in which I was treated like I was”nothing but a pain in the ass.” It was confusing, always people angry at me no wonder what the hell I did. I was the youngest of parents tired of kids, and the others were resentful towards me, thinking I got more from my Parents than they did. There were 4 siblings one year apart from each other, than a 3 year gap, then OOPS! Me. A Husband I thought was happy suddenly left me for an old girlfriend, & it made me a mess , riddled with abandonment issues. I was an easy target for the narcissistic monster that it took 18 years together rid of . He finally died from his toxic habits , and I was finally free of his monstrous behavior. But the anger I feel towards myself for putting up with him is overwhelming.
@@francesmartel7948 Forgive yourself for past mistakes. You were young and believed people would treat you better.
It’s best to let a man go that is still in love with his first love. You were the second class love. No one should be the second class love in a marriage.
It’s time you love yourself over others now. Be good to YOU. Go on vacations. Go to shows, eat at your favorite restaurants, even if you do it alone, is better than being with someone who is grouchy and negative.
@ thank you ❤️!
@@francesmartel7948 i feel your pain. I am so glad he is gone even if I know the anger you feel is huge. If I can suggest try the oponopono prayer/meditation. It helped me a bit
We think we can handle them but it may take a long time before we can figure out we cannot handle them. They're around us to take everything from us.
Yes, I tried to manage the situation. It only got worse and worse until I finally went no contact. That’s the best thing I did. It wasn’t easy but it saved ME.
@@michellemasich7464wonderful!
They’re hellbent on destroying us out of their fear, rage or envy
We are under no obligation to "handle" them at our own expense.
So true
With every narcissist I’ve ever known, I stayed too long. Part of this is my need to be a people pleaser, but this video got me thinking about something else, too.
The overwhelming majority of my friendships have been with good, non-narcissistic people. As a result, I assume that every friend is not a narcissist. So when one shows up, I assume the best and let them in. Then when someone turns out to be a narcissist, I blame myself, and the whole damn thing starts over again.
Narcissists are bad people. Period.
They are insidious
Remember the adage, fool me once… to our shame we give them a second chance! Now I know better & simply look for that first letdown & then cut ties immediately. You can now trust yourself to discern the truth about others & the natural follow through will be no contact with abuse
Simple
You had me at judging myself for seeing red flags
Insecurities are the only thing we need to fear 💔❤️🩹♥️
Yooooo,,,
THIS😡💯💯
So much of this narcissistic subject matter is about discovering who we are and who we aren't. It's rigorous!
The two years since I walked away from my older daughter and 7 months since I walked away from her sister have been painful but at the same time, I’m finally learning who I really am as a human being. They were the last in a long line of narcissists in my life. I’m 76 and this Christmas spent alone is the best one I can remember.
@@beverlyadams7205 aw your message made me tear up. So proud of you for spending Christmas alone and enjoying every moment of it ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@ceciliamac4283thank you ❤
I didn't know I was in a narcissistic relationship until after she moved out and I was allowed to think for myself again.
I wish I had had someone to give me this sort of advice in early life. I feel I have lived under rocks. Your insights will help others to lead a more fulfilled life.. Thank you for deciphering this awkward complex subject and giving it a name so it can be more widely discussed and understood.
Omg did I need to hear this one today. Thank you for knowing exactly what is constantly ruminating through my mind.
I so agree. I needed to hear this today too, of all days....
Thank you for keeping it real Dr.Ramani. You‘re the voice of reality 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
We get stuck with narcissists because we’re unaware. We don’t see what they’re trying to do. But view it as an observe. Be thankful for what they’ve displayed to you. It then gives you the option to decide whether or not you want that in your life. Their mask slipping is usually not even their choice. It’s just inevitable. It’s something they can’t control. Be glad that they couldn’t control it. Because now you know.
You'll be ok bud
@ Actually, this comment was meant to help you. Happy new year!
I believe that, but behind closed doors they seem to get a thrill out of it. Maybe it's a moment of relief from their own BS.
But, last night I heard some confirmation from my son about how he is known to handle things at work. That made me feel bad for him but then it's how he chooses to deal. It's like their mind is on overload. Their gimmicks might be well known by that point.
@ Well just imagine how messed up in the mind they’d have to be, to get a thrill out of doing that to you. There’s nothing normal or healthy about it.
@@NarcSurvivor That's a tad bit narcissistic, but again, you'll be ok bud!
Was totally conditioned to fear hurting or upsetting the narc as a child, something I spent my life doing. Have spent years working it out of my system, gradually letting go of all the family member narcs. Only then did I really feel the brunt of the burden on my body that holding onto the narc, was taking. Wow! Am shocked and saddened that I did that to myself... out of love for family. Finally feeling so free to be my authentic self 🙏
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Money. I don't have the money to leave, and they made sure of that before I was old enough to understand or know that such a thing as narcissism existed.
My whole life my parents had me convinced I wasn't good with money. Meanwhile I had one parent undergoing early stages of dementia purchasing toy trains, wines of the month (that they should not have been drinking anyway) and As-seen-on TV gadgets unused in the original boxes and the other parent with closets full of clothes and shoes unworn with the tags still on them.
I have a sibling who has had full legal control over my portion of the inheritance from my mother. I haven't seen or heard from him in seven years. Three different lawyers say that I'M the one out of luck.
They say money doesn't buy happiness. Maybe so, but it might buy you a chance at freedom and a little peace of mind if only for a little while.
ie. I totally get what you're saying.
@@Know1uknow-g5h Never listen to what a Narcissist says..
They are just trying to control you and rule your life. They will steal your life away from you. And take your peace. They usually resent you too, especially if you won’t let them control you.
A lack of understanding about healthy dynamics is more common than people realize, I think.
Rita Moreno has spoken a lot about her dysfunctional relationship with Marlon Brando (lots of videos on TH-cam of her discussing it). She said that in so many relationships, there's an unspoken, subconscious "deal", with both partners unconsciously teaming up with the other to play out their dysfunction. In her relationship with Marlon Brando, she said the "deal" was "You be my good daddy and I'll be your little geisha girl". So incredibly wise and insightful. We often have no awareness of how we're behaving and what we subconsciously want.
I agree!
You get stuck trying to save and fix them. You get stuck cause of the little glimmers of hope. You get stuck cause you still believe. You get stuck because you've wasted so much time. You get stuck ruminating for hours.
You get stuck in the in between...the part where you feel yourself letting them go, which they certainly sense too..then display hope/potential or another problem for you to fix and the cycle continues or begins again.
Ugh.
This whole video is brilliant - as usual - but 13:30 hit me the hardest -- the idea of the "perfect survivor", someone who knows the exact "right time" to leave and follows through. This is something I've felt shame about -- I still struggle with it, but one thing I have noticed is how some people become stuck for a lifetime and never leave, and I'm so glad that I left even if I feel I waited too long to do so.
Some of these videos are so spot-on, I’m left speechless. Dr. Ramani says it all about shame and how it’s used against us. Turning into 2025, I continue to listen to her with gratitude. . .
I am widowed 4 years. I knew something was terribly wrong, but was half convinced the problems were mostly my fault. I had been raised with an abusive father so most of my husband’s behavior seemed normal. I read “Why Does He Do That?” I then started going to therapy.
Loneliness Loneliness Loneliness, and financial problems and not the strength anymore to escape!!!!!!!!!
so true.
How can WE ESCAPE?
@Aquarius285 with the help of people who themselves have been through it
@Aquarius285 with help of friends
@patriciavandevelde5469 but i am loonley...because of tgeir cult..
"Oh s/he'll get better when (insert x) gets over with"
There goes 10 years.
That is so true
SO TRUE. And worse, everyone told me that when I tried to seek support to leave.
O. M. G. No words for the illumination this provides.
Thank you without measure for your kindness and generosity of time and investment in all of us.
On Christmas Eve, (this year) I was triggered by a situation and later tried to explain what happened to those who had invited me for supper. Instead of understanding, they called me childish and blocked me when I asked for an adult conversation. When I saw the message calling me childish, I couldn’t believe it and just started laughing. I wasn’t dependent on them at all-if anything, they were dependent on me.
What a shame you won't be sharing lottery winnings with them. (Should you ever win).
@@theresesilvawalker8407 I'm thinking about all the money I'll be saving.. All the extra food all actually have. Well, the way I look at it, is that at least I'm getting rid of all the toxic people before the New Year. My hope for next year is that people will take me seriously.
L
P
❤p0p
Thank you for allowing me to scrape off all of the ickness of shame & guilt & place it back firmly on the ex malignant narcissist where it has always belonged
It took me decades to leave behind the physical violence, the blatant betrayals, keeping all the trains running on time, paying all household bills, debts that he owed & yes he finally threatened our youngest 17 year old before I got the final safety order and then divorcing him
I carried all the shame and guilt for exposing my children to his toxic behaviour that lasted years
I grew up with this and was conditioned to this awful toxic behaviour so for me to be able to affilirm with myself that none of his behaviour was my fault is hugely important
I had to listen twice to your brilliant video to process it all
Thank you for your work. I am eternally grateful to you for saving my sanity .
Such a great observation! Oh so true! They need us to believe that we are 'bad', so we give in and in and in... It's quite subtle and you have explained it so well. It is very obvious now! Thank you soo much, Dr. Ramani! Happy New Year!
This is the best video I’ve ever watched regarding this topic. For once , someone is addressing the victim’ s experience rather than explaining the abuser. I needed to hear this RIGHT NOW, even after 9 years free from a 34 year nightmare. Thank you !
Your hair looks great and I love your shirt
Today is 31st December 2024 and this video deserves an award for being probably one of your best and Outstanding Performances of the year. I am still struggling to understand myself although I am a daily listener to your amazing insights and awesome talks. Thank you Doctor Ramini for keeping me sane in 2024, I couldn’t have made it without your support, help and encouragement. Happy New Year Dr Ramini sending you love 💕 and best regards ❤
I was trained to believe that all i had to offer the world was to accept abuse. That was my entire identity.
Went through a bullying situation at school and they kept telling me to give it a chance they kept telling me they didn't mean to. And it seems like the more understanding I was the worse the situation got. When I was 16 I ran away from home because I had to break free of that. My whole adulthood has consisted of deprogramming because of this erroneous belief in our society and in ourselves!
Fear of the future, debt, family pressure, religion, failure or responsibility, the cycle of love bombing, "keeping up appearances", gradual erosion of confidence and self esteem, poor support system, pity for a chronic illness, living as numb or gray rock. I'm sure there's more. I finally truly saw that I was not loved, and they found a new supply. I decided I preferred the unknown, the shame, the fear of being broke and unable to maintain my family, and admitting failure, to being unloved and enduring that life. The scales finally fell from my eyes. The best thing I did was getting out. I only regret was that it took so long to see the crazy and find the strength.
@@Rickettsia505 Excellent post. You showed everyone the fears that kept us all in bondage.
Narcissists do not know how to love. They just want to control us and steal our peace and our lives.
Stay strong against them. Stay indifferent towards them. Be unconcerned over their mean words.
Go DEEP
Don’t Defend yourself
Don’t Explain yourself
Don’t Engage with them
Don’t Personalize
Don’t take what they say personally.
They are evil, frustrated, hateful. grouchy, negative people.
Distance yourself from them as much as possible.
100% Yep! That right there was half my problem in life. I had a fear of judging other people. I always felt like I was doing something wrong if I had any judgemental or critical thought about anyone at all, no matter how true it was - I wouldn't even let myself discern whether or not it was true because in my mind, judging other people was wrong. Thanks to all this education available now through content like yours, I started working on getting rid of that destructive habit in 2013 and now I have NO fear of discerning who people really are.
Retroactively, it's a wonder how so many smart, good-hearted, selfless, hardworking, driven, flexible, patient, and easy-to-get-along people lose decades of our lives to PARASITES who suck us dry. If you're in a narcissistic relationship and read this, believe this: it doesn't get any better. You will lose your life and your health to this. Get out NOW, whatever it takes. You don't have unrealistic expectations. You're just asking the WRONG PERSON!!! ❤
Yes. I got out after 40 years of marriage. A good friend of mine said if I hadn't gotten out I would have died because of how physically and emotionally ill I was.
I found myself attached to how they made me feel, not them personally, but an emotional dependency, needing them to make me feel good. But, I soon realized that it was just their play, and it was obvious that they really didn't care, and that was when I'd give up on them.
Of all Dr. Ramani’s great videos, for me this may be the most impactful one yet. After 30 years, I left a painful marriage 3 years ago. Everything in my experience is outlined and confirmed here. Vert grateful!
Grew up with a narcissistic mother. Dad enabled her 100%. If I should ask him for help--- even at age 9/10 years old--- he had one and only one comeback to me that in HIS mind resolved my problems: " She's your MOTHER". Says it all!
THANK YOU! The tendency to blame ourselves, subscribe to the belief that forgiveness means a reconciliation and continuation of the relationship, listening to the voices of those who would insist that we are being overly sensitive, are all factors that contribute to remaining stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for helping us to finally wake up.
Happy New Year 🎉 Dr Ramini. ✨️Thank you for all your help.
So glad I left. 14 years of red flags. Still can’t believe this happened to me. His punishment is he has to live with himself, which must be dreadful.
Wishing you all happiness from the world,Happy New Year!Dr Ramani and thank you so very much for your support 🙏🌈✌️❤️🤔👏
Being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Family has given me the reasons why I wound up where I did.
Exactly my situation makes me cry to hear this
Damn, I feel both called out and seen! Thank you for giving more definition and clarity to my feelings around leaving ❤
Debasement: that word has resonance. Thank you for your clarity and your courage ❤
Thank god you are figuring this out... Thank you so much!!❤👍❤
I didn't know how better a life would be without my Narc Ex because of the addiction i had for him. 🍒
Recently, I had a challenging split. The breakup of my five-year relationship a few months ago has been quite difficult. I still harbor a deep affection for my ex-boyfriend, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. My attempts to win him back have been unsuccessful, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anybody else. It may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and can't stop thinking about him.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without him, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring him back into my life if you're open to it, seeking help from a spiritual counselor might make a difference.
How did you find your spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with them?
His name is Father Obah Eze and he's an incredible spiritual counselor known for helping restore relationships.
He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.
I simply used your useful information to look him up online. Amazing
I looked up Father Obah Eze online, and he seems like a sincere person. Again, thank you ❤
This rings so true to me. I stayed in multiple bad relationships, one particularly which was abusive in multiple ways, because I kept feeling like I had to excuse bad behavior as just “no one’s perfect”. And that would get turned on me, like how can I judge when I’m not perfect either? But I have to remind myself that while everyone has flaws, not everyone’s flaws are felonies. Not everyone has exes who accused them of assault. Not everyone has a long history before you of DUIs and then blames you for the reason they drink. Not everyone fails to pay their utility bills and when the heat goes off and the water is ice cold, tells you you’re high maintenance when you complain about it.
Hi. Are you dating my ex? His name is Blake, from Littleton Colorado. He got his third DUI and vehicular assault charge in 2023 from his 2022 DUI car crash. If so, girl, run.
Dr Ramani is a Truthful speaker
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for all your support. It has been a tough last few months, but knowing who I truly am and getting out has been so freeing!! Thank you for videos such as this one. Knowing that it wasn't me has given me great strength 💪🏻 You have helped me so much!!❤
Word for word is exactly how I feel in this moment. Stuck....is one of the hardest places to be for me. I am extremely grateful for your knowledge and guidance through this tornado of emotions. Looking down this darkened tunnel, your insight and understanding, helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As dim as it is right now, many others have followed before me and their courage and perseverance, I hang onto. ❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani
Exactly the Narc can't be bad...even after I left he called and said "I'm not a bad person".
Thank you Dr Ramani.
Your words ring true every time. You tell the story of my life better than I ever could.
You have save my life
Love ❤️ your book 📕. 😊 thank you
Narcissists love joining in on sadness and grief mirroring that to feel understood in the world, pertaining to there emotions, or how they see their selves in the world. And every one else is a kitten killer.
I dated a narcissist and I had one foot out, ready to leave and he broke up with me. He said he cared about me but never really showed he did. He was good at playing a part and he called himself a jerk. I was so angry with myself for so long because I considered myself a strong woman. I somehow lost myself. I think that is what they do. He is of the grandiose variety.
Again, THANK YOU FOR THIS MESSAGE. Your videos help me so much. God bless you
Thanks Ramani u saved my life 😢
As usual, you nail it on the head Dr. Ramani. On Monday I will be 6 months no contact. Then my only focus is getting their stuff back to them. I couldn't have done it without your help and understanding. Thank you so much!
Yeah-
I kept thinking my triggers were from a previous relationship.
I didn’t realize it was from the one I was IN. Due to the lying-gaslighting, I thought it was previous relationship issues…I thought my “gut” was mis directing …”nope” after years of processing…and them dismissing any “discussion”, never wrong. Etc. it wasn’t me-it’s them
I thought my triggers were from the sexual assaults I endured with my father when I was only two years old.
@@JackieFerrell-f6o
First: I’m very sorry about your father and what he did.
Second: a counselor told me once-a trigger happened because of what someone did to you NOW.
Your mind wants to protect you, so you can be safe.
I pray healing over all of us-from the inside out-and that we figure out how to walk in it in Jesus name.
@@lisaallen9339Thank-you so much. I discovered what you said when my ex-husband shamed me. I kept thinking that the past was trying to contaminate the present. I figured out about a month later that it was the other way around. After my divorce was final, I thought that the abuse I suffered from with my ex-husband likely caused the memories of what my father did to surface. Living with agoraphobia for 37 years, I really thought again it was from the past. No, my therapist said the agoraphobia was my mind trying to protect me from the present. I couldn't face that my then husband would abuse me like my father did, so I made the outside world unsafe because I couldn't face that my relationship was unsafe. Telling me what your therapist said is very validating for me and I appreciate this very much.
Happy New Year and happy birthday Dr Ramani ❤ Thank you for your work in this field, it is saving lives!
Dr. Ramani has been instrumental in my recovery from narcissistic abuse. Words can’t express how much I owe her and this community.
Thank you for this supportive topic for those of us who were caught too long in these relationships.
Really nicely explained how and why Betrayal Blindness works and keeps us stuck! Thank you for posting and doing all this work and publishing it. So important, and very subtle inter relational dynamics that are hard to identify, explain and then realize the impact on those being targeted by psychological war-faring Narcs.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your perspective of narcissistic relationships where some may see these nuances of experiences that we go through that we are bad for what we may put up with those with narcissistic traits, (go along to get along analogy). That we have not stated to be true to ourselves where we do not see the narcissists behavior toward us as toxic, or hurtful.
If you are hungry and yet evertime you reach for food you are physically or psychologically slapped, you’re own hunger becomes the enemy.
So true
👏 Accurate
This video is so empowering! I always blame myself if things not going well in a relationship. To recognize this default mode of shame will help me in the next relationship. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
Happy New Year Dr. Ramini. And Happy Birthday. You've been my guide throughout the year. Thank you. I wrote about you on Reddit in response to a request on whether narcissists know how to love. I said you are the authority. My response was narcissists are people with arrested development and if you can identify one, walk the other way.
At 61, being abandoned...again...and knowing I'll be alone the rest of my life is what scares me. He's out, but I can't seem to get past that.
Wow, this puts into words what I have felt for a long time but couldn't describe. I am now thinking about the things I've experienced and why I am afraid to talk about it with people. My husband would always turn things around on me, and I would doubt myself and wonder if I was crazy. Sometimes, the abuse is so subtle it's hard to describe.
Thank you Dr. Ramani you are spot on.
Married one. Had children with him. Kept hoping he’d change (grow up!!) but after 24 years it’s clear he will never grow up or be the type of person I’d want to be with.
Just waiting for the kids to grow up (11 and 15) then I’m OUT!
Yes don’t waste another 25 years of your life on living with a Negative person.
Same! I have an 11 year old and I haven’t left because I’m afraid to share custody with someone I do not trust so I stay to protect my son.. I’m counting the years as if it’s a prison sentence and I have 7 years until I make parole
@ That’s understandable
This video perfectly explains the unhealthy narc relationship. I was told I was the problem by my mom and it stuck foorrrever. I was not worth more, I was not very smart and female so I would need someone to care for me. I am two months free of one of several narcs I let into my life. No chaos! No disapproval! No more eating shit to have some peace b/c I am not affectionate enough to the vampire sucking the spirit out of me. It is not super easy I am 64 ….but I am staying very close to videos like this. BTW I have had a great career and turns out I am smart enough.I am blessed, on a much more healthy path, Life is good and God is faithful.
Listening to you, I realized most likely my mom was a narcissist too 😢 no wonder I ended up falling in love with one. Dr. Ramani you're awesome, thank you very much
Happy new year! Thank you for being an advocate for survivors. You do good work
Happy belated birthday Dr. RAMANI! Lots of health, joy, and lots of podcasts for us😊
Dan
I got stuck because I made a deathbed promise to her father to take care of her. In the end, that promise meant way more to me than it did to her. Even after she discarded me, I tried my best to be there for her. That meant nothing to her. I finally had to give up. I still feel guilty.
@@cc1k435 I will try. I just can't turn it off.
You have to become indifferent to the Narcissist.
Be unconcerned over them.
@@Sandyo-wy7nk I know that. It's weird. I just can't stop caring. At this point, I'm just trying to live with the guilt. I feel like I let him down.
@@sparkygump God will bless you for trying though. Especially since you made a promise of yes. Matthew 5:37. If she/he is a non believer in Christ and didn’t want to be around you, then you are no longer bound. 1Corinthians 7:15, 1Corinthians 6:16-16.
I know few others who are more beloved than you. Happy New Year, Dr. Ramani.
So on point. Thank you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Best video ever. This really hit home, made me cry. Thankyou.
I have found these talks (and also those by Les Carter) important for me, esp.where certain family relationships have been involved. In a "normal" relationship (which I have experienced) there is no effort to control.
Fascinating, and informative to listen to you. Thanks so much.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while and over the last 2-3 generations I think we’ve had more single parents than dual parent households which would mean there are probably millions and millions of NPD people in society and most people believe it’s a very low number. At what point does the public conversation about a quarter or more of the population is potentially undiagnosed Narcissists and how do we deal with that as a society? I think a lot of people get into relationships with these people now and say, “Everyone can’t be NPD” and they just put up with the nonsense. It definitely feels like there needs to be a larger public discussion about how to maybe even cauterize this so this large group receives the consequences that are necessary to potentially eradicate it for the next generations.
Spot on!
@ I don’t know about that only because their childhood is what it is and their bottomless pit of need for supply is what it is. There aren’t that many parameters they can adjust without self sacrifice and C’mon now. Lol.
@@Imhotep397Portrayal of single family households in Hollywood t.v. shows and movies have done a good job in normalizing, even celebrating, the single parent household. It's as if a single parent household is a sitcom or 90 minute story with a happily ever after in a beautiful home with spotless, name brand clothes with all the bills paid are the guaranteed end result. Real life for many is far from that fantasy. I'm not saying all single parent households are doomed to fail. But it's very difficult to raise a child properly with two "sane" parents let alone one.
The rise and popularity of social media doesn't seem to help things either. For many it serves as a mask behind the mask.
@@Imhotep397 My parents told me "If you can't make the sacrifices we did for you then don't get married and don't have kids."
Sometimes after a heated confrontation with my parents there were times I caught myself saying under my breath "I can't wait to have kids so I can treat them like an emotional punching bag over things they have no control of."
I wanted to stop the cycle of abuse. I never got married or had any kids!
How can i GO AWAY FROM ALL OF THEM?I want to be in SAVE PLACE!!!AND LIVE A GOOD A LIFE WITHOUT THEM...FOREVER!!!!!!
I’m 76 years old and I live by myself in a senior apartment. I no longer work so I don’t have to be around narcissistic coworkers. I’ve walked away from my narcissistic family and no longer have to be around them. This time alone has allowed me to discover who I am as a human being For the first time in my life. I Don’t go out much. But I think the time will come when I do decide to engage with humanity more extensively. Right now, I’m enjoying being friends with myself and finding out my likes and dislikes for the first time. I wish you luck. In my life, alone is better.
My girlfriend was in a relationship with a narcissist for three years. One of the reasons why she stayed so long in that relationship was she were scared of what he would do if she ended it. When she finally ended it one day, he became violent and hit her a few times. After that, he became a stalker and started a smear campaign against her which is still going on now.
My DIL was charming and sweet and then after the Wedding she became totally Narcissistic/Mask Came Off. She targets me in a very passive aggressive way. She is overly critical and tries to humiliate me in Subtle ways. It is beyond painful and triggers childhood wounds. I would go No Contact, but I want to see my son and grandchildren. Please advise. 🙏💜
Great vedeo Dr. Ramani, thank you 🙏 It helps a lot.
David Kessler said once something like we are all doing great in relationships because it is how we learned to be in relationships.
Understanding, forgiving ourselves and self compassion are key.
Its complicated because you don’t realise everything from the beginning. Its a process. But it is exactly what you point out that it starts with no trust in the red flags. I just got out of the situation with a narcissist flatmate. It was the worst half a year. But it made me somewhat stuck and frozen and afraid. I was like under control and it was getting worse and worse. She was drug addicted and had many issues and I wanted to help her first. But I quickly understood I have to protect myself. But still the whole process took me so many months to get out of there. It’s crazy. And she still tries to keep control by threatening and demands and other manipulations and even lies. We really have to pay attention to our gut feelings first and pay attention to red flags from the start.
“IF YOU DON’T SEE IT, YOU CAN STAY” 😢
Dr. Ramani, I appreciate your videos. Happy New Year, health, blessings and prosperity to you.
🏆 Great Video ❤️ Thank You ✨ Happy New Year Dr Ramani and everyone. Greetings from Europe.
Thank you much appreciation to Dr Ramani.
I find it interesting how abuse can be normalized. That is very odd. I have to remind myself, daily, what is acceptable, healthy behavior. 🙄
And yet even after years that you're not together you still are stuck between the good and bad. That the good was so good, that it still fools.
Wow, this is So True.
This was me in the Beginning when I didn’t Know what it was….
But, I Know Now….. it’s me Picking up Red-Flags. 💔💔💔 And, it’s Loud Awakening when it’s Someone you don’t want to See it from, whom you Admired + Looked up, too.