You are legit an adorable, super attractive guy. That is, not to devalue you during your transition, you were beautiful regardless. Whether you ever continue your transition in the future, or if this was just a step in your self discovery, I'm glad it helped you in any way to go through this experience. I know it was hard and depressing but you seem to truly know yourself more now and that's beautiful.
My detransition was extremely similar, being trans started off happy but quickly turned into an anxious nightmare. Since detransitioning, i've been happier and learned that I also need to indulge in my interests more instead of hiding. I don't try pass as a male, but I wont stop myself from wearing male clothes
Thank you, I do truly thank you for sharing your story. My story is very similar to yours, only I am no longer Aiden anymore. I had been him for three years. Now I am a mother, a wife and my former female self again. Thank you again Martin.
Melissa Davenport I'm happy to hear my story has appealed to you and hope you feel at peace with your decision to stay Melissa! Just always stay true to yourself and what makes you content :)
I'd like to hear your story Melissa if you ever created a video or wrote an essay. Would you send it to me? Krystal.Thomas.192@gmail.com I transitioned for a year then detransitioned and tried to live as a man for 4 years then transitioned again back to mtf for the last 2 years. I was female. The self was female the entire time. I had catatonic schizophrenia paranoia. I had schizophrenia paranoia when I transitioned the first time, then when I detransitioned I became catatonic. Now I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm scheduled for SRS which I've wanted my whole life just didn't know I wanted it.
Melissa Davenport you made a good call you are a good looking man but you stick out like a sore thumb as a woman I'm sorry but not every man can change to an acceptable female.
As a trans woman I feel this is the most candid, well-put-together, and thoughtful description of detransition I've seen. I find myself relating to a lot of what led you to transition an the anxieties you dealt with while transitioned. I think my training as a singer has enabled me to have a very passing voice which has helped immensely in my transition which also helps in general. It's taboo to say but passing does matter and as a gender dysphoric person it's always okay to take a step back and evaluate your priorities and make the best decision for yourself
You describe exactly what I had to go through. Being trans was miserable for me. I'd rather live a stress free life and go back to boy, I feel better, I am seeing my Dr. to come of meds asap I'm done!! Great video great advice
I think it's perfectly healthy for sormone to be unsure if their identity and question themselves. There's so much pressure on trans people to seem so sure of themselves they tend to lie about feeling completely sure to not be gatekepted or just rediculed by people that don't understand it. At least, the message I think you're trying to get across is that's it's okay to change your decision as time goes on. Also, for identities other than binary ones; I'm sure they feel that pressure in a much heavier way sort of like bi people compared to gay people. As a trans girl I'm pretty darn confident in myself, but have had doubts. I've mostly got that your mental health such as anxiety got worse because of the difficulty of transitioning which doesn't necessarily make someone not trans but can kind of point to that and requestioning. I've sort of had the opposite experience that my anxiety has gotten much better since and I couldn't see myself presenting masculine again. Either way thanks for sharing your experience keep being you and questioning your identity if you need to despite what society thinks.
Tbh as a trans woman I'm and was 100% certain but I've had a lot of soul searching, some suicide attempts, lot of self harm and drug use to run away from what I was dealing with. The last 6 years I've been clean from drugs and I took that time with a doc to help me articulate myself and how I felt. For me I never questioned it, I felt that despite how I felt I would end up looking like I should be on the rocky horror picture show. (Tbh that's what threw me off the deep end when I saw it at 18) I did not mind trying to figure out how to be the me I was but once that hope disappeared that maybe I could be the real me I fell into Hell. I think being unsure would have been better than being sure and having the hope ripped away but then again that's the great question is it better to love and loss or to never love at all. Its always greener on the other side. Anyway I think being unsure is a lot more fun, its always exciting lol.
I'm not trans or anything BUT I can sense your struggle. I'm all about living life as stress free as possible so I say try not to worry about the details and just do what feels good to you. Wear what you feel like wearing and act how you want to act even if it's a combination of both masc and fem.
I'm m2f and detransitioned once. I can understand a lot of where you're coming from however I just started transitioning again after thinking about the decision again for 2 years. Great video. Keep being strong!
Hey Bella Cigno thanks a lot! Interestingly enough I noticed that in a lot of the detransition videos I watched (before I actually decided to detransition myself), there were a lot of people who decided to go back to transitioning again. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and sometimes it takes both perspectives to realise what really makes you happy as yourself. I saw a few of your videos and it's very brave of you to go back. I hope starting hormones again went well :)
I use to have a complex about my ethnicity. I was bullied a lot by my oldest sibling for many years. I wanted to be a white person. I thought if I could act white or be light skinned, I would be happy. Now at 43, I've grown to accept myself and even like myself. I couldn't imagine now trying to be something else other than me. After I graduated from college and moved around for work, people were always giving me compliments for my skin and hair. All these years I hated myself because of my oldest sister. I met a man who loves me. I'm finally happy.
In the end it doesn't matter where you're from, what you identify as or what ethnicity you have, it's always about who you are. It's sad people shame others for superficial details like those, but I'm glad to hear you've come to accept yourself the way you are despite that!
Sylvia, your story is so inspiring. People often think that youth is the best state of being, but it's only part of life's long journey and sometimes it takes time to see what's really beautiful about ourselves. So glad you found your inner peace.
That’s sad but I have heard many similar stories about people wanting to look different or have different hair, nose and everything. Women are probably the worst about hating themselves the way they are. It’s great when we are finally at peace with it.
I definitely appreciate your thoughts and whatever decision you make in the future. As a transgirl recovering from some procedures. Your honesty is refreshing. Hope all goes well with you!!! 😙😙❤❤❤
Feel like the best and most honest version of yourself, no matter what you decide. I am also detransitioning. I found that once I got on hormones I felt something change, it was a softer version of me but i didn't care so much about wanting to transition, which took me by surprise and was quite allot to wrap my head around.
You've struggled and you've suffered, and for that I feel nothing but compassion and love for you. Every person has a different story, and yours is still ongoing, but for now you're feeling content with yourself. What more can one ask for?
With all the talk in the community about transitioning I am so glad that you have shared your story with us. It's a hard thing to do and many people want to keep quiet about it but your story needs to be heard. Transition is hard and takes a toll on your emotions, I can understand why someone wouldn't want to go through with it just yet, if at all. It doesn't make you any less you. Thank you for your incredible story.
Wow, very brave, I transitioned kinda late in my life with 34. Altough I kept thinking about transitioning every year of my life, I thought I could never pass. With 19 there was a huge urge to do it. Then I tried as a boy for 15 more years. Maybe I needed to live through these "male-years" to realize it will kill me slowley and I just have one life. Now I am happy and I don´t regret anything. Well some things are harder like getting a job or like you say spending more time for applying makeup just to get to the store. But this is the society that supposedly makes the rules. With time I realized I should make the rules. So I go out without any makeup, just being natural. Sometimes I think I should have done that earlier, but maybe like you I wouldn´t have had the exhausting experience of living in a male body...having all those problems with myself, sex, bodyfeeling, expression, clothes, behaviour... I lived a mask. It is important to decide whats good for you. Living in the right body gives in my opinion the only feeling of being authentic and happy - only one question...from my therapist I heard in Switzerland you have to do one year as a girl without hormones as a test. Have you´ve been taken hormones? Cause they changed my body to the congruent feeling inside...if I had to live one year as a woman without hormones I wouldn´t have passed so good as female. The first 6 months was extremely hard, but every day my passing did better and I don´t have to force myself to be female it comes naturally...I think the hormones help here too (softer skin, breast, female features in face,....)
Hey Verena, your story is very brave, especially at your age, considering there's a lot of "I'm too old" mentality out there - It's never too late to be honest with yourself, very courageous of you! Living by your own rules is an important aspect. You have to live with yourself everyday, but society doesn't. So choose your rules wisely and right, in the end those are the ones that take care of your well being, not those of society. Like you did with makeup and your body, as long as you don't hurt anyone else, choose what makes you happy. As for living as a girl for a year in Switzerland before hormones; if I remember correctly that 'test' has been abolished. Unfortunately due to my circumstances I couldn't get any hormones either way. I've heard from friends they can help a lot mentally and emotionally as well, but I haven't had the chance to try them. Thank you for sharing your story :)
interesting story, I hope you find peace with yourself. I'm ftm and for me the anxiety feeling is the other way around. for me being able to live as a boy, and seeing my body change has improved my metal health so much and basically made my social anxiety leave completely. I don't know what I would be if I didn't have the chance to transition
Thank you for posting this. I have trans and non-binary friends and former partners. I feel my best support for them is to be there for them in the best way possible and to make sure that I treat them with respect as a whole person. The packaging on the outside is a small part of what makes a person complete. As long as they are good to me, I am on board.
I like that you are so open to others and had made these experimental stuff to yourself. I shows that you are an open person and more people need to accept that we all can wear and look what we want to - with or without hormones!
Sounds like you're doing a really good job of feeling life out and listening to yourself, you make a beautiful woman and a handsome man so whatever turns out to be right for you know that you are a great looking and kind sounding human being
Thanks so much for your video - we need way, way more people having the courage to explain why they transitioned in the first place and why they detransitioned at some point. Your case is similar to many, many others I've read about: basically, they figured out that 'transition' is far tougher than what they imagined, and that some of the things bothering them before transition (anxiety, depression...) remained after transition - so clearly the root of the problem was not gender dysphoria, but rather, gender dysphoria emerged from a completely different reason (and there are many, from physical trauma to the brain to having experienced traumatic experiences at a tender age, the sort of things activists prefer never to mention). Three things might happen: the first is 'giving up' just because 'being trans' is too hard; the second is figuring out the root reason for those feelings of gender dysphoria, and working on that instead - and then the 'urge' to transition will disappear and one will go back to their 'former selves', so to speak. And the third thing would be to figure out that one's gender identity is not fixed as 100% male or 100% female, but that sometimes one needs to present as one of the genders, and sometimes as the other (and this 'need' can last for several weeks, months, even years - but it might not be 'permanent'). In other words: you _can_ have the symptoms of gender dysphoria - and even have serious issues about your gender identity - but not be 'transgender' in the sense of 'having to go through transition'. While every case is different, and I'm not a psychologist, your mini-documentary (which is amazingly well-done, you should pick a career in media production!) gives some clues to what went wrong during your transition. I'm not sure if they are obvious for everyone, so let me enumerate those that I caught immediately. First, you mention the issue about the cost of trains, and this, for me, means that you weren't being advised properly by doctors before transition - i.e. you didn't see them enough times. Once per week is the minimum for consulting with a psychologist (trained in clinical sexology), and that for a long time - for such a serious decision as transition, the absolute minimum ought to be a dozen sessions at least, but ideally more than that. This ought to include several kinds of profile tests - you cannot figure out from a test if someone is 'transgender', but it _might_ be possible to figure out other issues that may be causing gender dysphoria. Thirdly, you don't mention if you were on anxiolytics and antidepressants, and how these have been adjusted before, during, after transition and after de-transitioning; it's very rare for someone to be allowed to transition if they are still depressed, and while I've known of several cases of people transitioning with anxiety disorder (but taking anxiolytics!), they will at the very least be under close observation. Hormones is a problem, and, in general, you can view your 'transition' as a so-called real-life test; in many countries those are made _without_ hormones (I don't know how it's done in Switzerland, but you certainly mentioned waiting two years for getting hormones); around here in Portugal that's the case for the public health service, but private doctors find that's simply too cruel. In any case, the point is dealing with transphobia 'in the flesh', so to speak, doing daily chores and interacting with all sorts of people. You will learn to deal with transphobia all your life, no matter how many hormones you take and how many surgeries you do, so if you're not prepared to deal it during a 'worst case scenario' (i.e. no hormones, just clothes and padding...) then you shouldn't go on (so your decision was the correct one!). There is also one issue you mention with which I totally identify: the time it takes to go out presenting as a woman if you've been born in a male body. Again, I believe that transition (living full-time in your assigned gender role) should be attempted once you can at least go out taking as much time to dress and get ready. This does not necessarily mean 'looking perfect', of course, but at least 'acceptable'; and laser depilation is certainly a must on the face! I've got a friend who had been on hormones for a couple of years but when she went to her full surgeries (top and bottom, done on the same day!) she still hadn't gotten rid of her facial hair, which looked... so wrong. It was the only tell-tale sign of her masculinity, though, the rest of the body was perfectly shaped thanks to cosmetic surgery and hormones. While in her case I would understand that she really didn't need much to go out (so long as she shaved every day...), in your case - taking an hour! - is far too much time (speaking for myself: I take _two_ hours _plus_ the time to take a bath, which I have to as a male anyway, so that doesn't count). Clearly that's simply not practical enough! Now I believe that you have gotten a taste - more than a taste, since it has been two years! - how it feels to be a trans woman in Zürich. That is really what matters, and without that experience, you couldn't make a life-long decision, so I'm actually glad that you tried your hardest to succeed while presenting as a woman, _before_ you went with ahead with any non-reversible surgeries. There is a terrible trade-off here: the more surgeries and hormones you get, the easier the transition will be, but it will be next-to-impossible to 'go back' if you figure out that the transition was not what you needed to feel good about yourself. On the flip side of the coin, transitioning _without_ any surgery & hormones means having a much tougher experience, one that might not even reflect 'reality', and therefore it might be seen as 'too hard' while that might just be a consequence of one's too-male body (speaking of MtF trans people). It's impossible to say which is better and that's why it has to be a personal decision; doctors can only help so far as to determine if you're ready to do what you wish to do, they cannot 'persuade' you to make a choice. Last but not least... it's really great that you feel good as a boy again, and I hope that feeling persists, if that's your 'permanent' choice, but... why should it be 'permanent'? Some people cannot live just stuck with a single gender; and sometimes 'switching genders' may be something you need to do every week or so, sometimes it's something to do only some years (and for months at a stretch - like in your case). This is sadly, from the perspective of society, one of the hardest kinds of transgender people to accept: those that are not 'stuck' to a single gender, but present themselves differently according to mood, context, etc. But it _can_ be your case; only you may know that. And sometimes one just needs to take a vacation of oneself and reinvent one's identity for a while. You did that with your gender identity. Now you're back and happy again. And perhaps you might need to 'go on vacation' again in the future. Who knows? That's an answer only you can get. Cheers, and be happy! :-)
Hey Sandra Lopes, thanks a lot for your impressively extensive comment! Your theories are very thought out and hold quite some relevance to my case. Besides seeking stability, the factor that I learnt a lot about myself (and possibly the root cause you speak of) during the last few months of living as a woman, probably contributed to the 'urge to transition' weakening. Whether the third phase will happen, is a question for the future - currently I'm happy with my 'former self'. Though I'm curious to know whether you've experienced that phase yourself or from other people, and how that came to be? The point you mention about not being properly advised by doctors, is an interesting one. I did have more than a dozen appointments for sure, but there haven't been any direct tests. I suppose the motivation to transition was determined orally during those sessions, but I have to say - A lot of times when I had worries, a lot of issues were tied down to gender dysphoria by default. There wasn't much skepticism whether I was trans or whether the 'root cause' that lead to these gender identity based feelings appearing even existed. At the time I would've probably passed such a test, but in a way the rather 'permanent' choice was treated quite lightheartedly. As for the 'real-life test' - AFAIK it used to be a thing here in Switzerland but was abolished a while ago, probably for the same reasons private doctors have in Portugal. The reason it didn't work out for me was probably tied to other factors as well, such as slight social anxiety and an overall very unstable life at the time. So either way, I'd probably struggle with any real-life test :P In general your comment was a really nice, insightful read and I can relate to a lot of it, so thanks again! :)
Sorry for only answering back today. I just wanted to add that I have no _personal_ experience of a formal transition in the sense of spending 100% of my time as a woman (I'm happy when I get 30%!), I've just been in touch (and, as said, read about) with a few cases who are similar to your own - where a certain disappointment set in during transition as it became much harder than expected, and, most notably, wasn't leading to a stable life - but rather a much worse one in the sense of having no job (and finding it much harder to get one), getting transphobic remarks (even indirect ones like people just staring at you), and also, as you mentioned, the trouble to go out fully as a woman (which takes time!) for the simplest tasks. Even more seriously, though, at least from what I've read (and heard) was the psychological well-being: people expected that transition worked as a 'medical miracle' for them (since that's what happens to over 99% of all people who went successfully through transition), and while there was an initial euphoria when actually taking the first steps, it quickly faded to the point where doubts started creeping in - and it was clear that, unlike it happened to so many others, it wasn't helping in their case, and, eventually, it became just worse and worse, until de-transition was the logical outcome. Because unfortunately de-transition is so much less studied and researched than transition, it's hard to say _why_ it happens in some cases. In other words: you mentioned that you have a trans girlfriend. Why does she still have the motivation to go on, while you haven't? Was it the lack of support you had? Or was it something else? Note that you mention a few things in your video: you allegedly don't 'pass' that well (I agree that we can only judge that from the few hand-picked photos!), you never managed to get hormones to start changing your body, so simple things like buying a can of Coke would take eons (when natal women would only need to put on a top and a pair of jeans and go out in a jiffy), and it was clear that it would be much, much harder to get a job and be able to keep it. And of course you don't mention having any support (perhaps only from your GF?), even some antagonism from your dad, and a real (financial!) difficulty to get regular appointments with a professional who would be able to help you out giving psychological support. So all of that worked against you... and I have heard very similar stories before. However, many have also traced back their 'gender dysphoria' feelings to _different_ psychological causes, and that's where the role of the doctor is truly helpful: although we might feel otherwise, the truth is that self-diagnosing oneself is _not_ easy. And here I can only give my own experience: while _most_ doctors tend to see me in my female presentation and be eager to encourage me towards transition, the longer they spend time with me, the more doubts _they_ have that this would actually work for me. It's not that they don't claim that I'm _not_ transgender in some form; they are pretty sure I have _some_ sort of gender issues - after all, 'normal' cishet males don't spend a considerable amount of their time going around doing daily chores dressed as women! - but perhaps (it's not clear yet!) those issues are not 'strong' enough to consider transition the best choice. And note that I'm talking with _very_ progressive doctors and experts, who are eager to push people ahead through transition, and have done that to dozens of trans people... but they are also careful. As you have experienced, transition is _not_ easy. It's not even easy for those trans people having been born with excellent genes which make them look as perfect people of the gender they identify with, and who don't even need makeup, shapewear, or anything at all to pass 100% of the time as that gender. Even for _them_ transition is anything but easy (although I suspect that in such cases there is a lot of anxiety regarding the fear of being 'misgendered' - but anxiety is easily treated with medicine and therapy). It's way harder if you start with a lot of handicaps. At some point in my life, I actually believed that only filthy rich people could 'afford' going through transition - in the sense that not only they would never be constrained by financial difficulties (i.e. not getting a job would hardly matter for them) but they would also have access to a vast array of plastic surgery that would utterly transform every little bit of their bodies. You can see _lots_ of videos of such people on TH-cam - all of which have had rough times, sure, and a lot of anxiety and fear of having made a bad decision, but, ultimately, they managed to successfully transition just because there was a lot that they didn't need to worry about.
A decade ago, I followed a MtF trans person here on TH-cam (she has never posted any more videos for many, many years, and never gave an explanation of what happened), from the early days when she was just toying with the idea while crossdressing, and who eventually had to make a choice. She was blessed with wonderful genes - a tiny bit of hormones and some surgery and she looked gorgeous! - but her choice was not easy, either, because the first thing she had to worry about was the financial issue. Living in the US, where you have to pay everything out of your pocket, she advised her YT followers to start saving money well before transition, and do all sorts of 'expensive' things (such as laser hair removal!) while you still have a job as a male. Like you, she worked in a male-only environment - construction worker, I believe - and obviously she wouldn't be able to maintain her job, even in the most tolerant of the worlds, simply because a lot of tasks demanded a lot of physical strength, and, after the hormones kick in, you lose muscular mass and all your strength, so, in her case, continuing to do the kind of work she did as a male was really impossible. That meant, for her, saving lots and lots and lots of money for many years, so that she could pay for all hormones and surgeries (she did them in Thailand) and keep enough money to live comfortably for several years until she managed to get a job again, without needing to stress. So she advised others to do the same. I've also followed some trans women who did exactly that, but, although they were very qualified workers, found it incredibly hard to get a new job somewhere else as a woman. Some came very close to the point of extreme poverty and becoming homeless when they finally got some company who hired them and saved them from a financial disaster - and yes, they had not only saved a lot of money for those eventualities, but they also sent out tons of CVs and did dozens, if not hundreds, of job interviews. And then there are the good examples. A friend of mine was very, very anxious about her future career, and was considering to move to the Netherlands, working in a call centre for minimum wages, just because she felt that she could keep a job there. But she was lucky: her actual very male work qualifications (micro-electronics) are in great demand, and her boss simply said that so long as she didn't get in touch with the customers, she could remain at her workplace, presenting as a woman. She's been on hormones for almost two years now (I think!) but she has no luck with her genes. Nevertheless, she goes on and doesn't give up easily; her doctors have no doubts about her (even if she sometimes doubts herself!) and give her the full support she needs. Sometimes it's something you really have to go through first to see if it's what you really want. I'm actually happy that in your case you didn't go 'too far' in the sense of being able to de-transition without major difficulties; some are not so lucky and have to deal with the extra trouble of additional surgeries and reversing the effects of hormones, so that they aren't back in their _original_ bodies any more (even though they might be back to their original _gender_). On the other hand, _if_ you think about transition again - in the future! - I would really advise you to try to get access to a group of psychologists who are 1) nearer to home so that you don't need to deal with the high costs of transportation; 2) are able to see you much more regularly, i.e. at least once per week; 3) are good at playing 'devil's advocate' - in other words, make you face your doubts instead of simply dispelling them and saying 'oh, you'll forget all about those doubts once you fully transition'. While that's certainly the case of 99% of all people who transitioned - taking more or less time until that happens, of course, every person is different and takes a different amount of time to reach that point - good doctors should also be aware of those 1% who might _not_ benefit from transition because the origin of their gender dysphoria is elsewhere. As you said, sometimes it's easy to give all the 'correct' answers to a doctor so that they undersign (and encourage!) a transition. But with enough time, and a reasonable amount of therapy sessions, a good expert in the field will know when you're actually lying to yourself, even if you might not be conscious of that... To conclude... there are a lot of reasons why transition may not be the 'best' option under certain circumstances. Even Caitlyn Jenner, who certainly never had financial problems since the times when she got Olympic gold, attempted a transition in the 1990s and eventually had to give up - only to try again a quarter of a century later. Sometimes it's simply 'not the right time' just because the conditions aren't favourable. Oh, btw, I submitted a translation of the subtitles in Portuguese. With your permission (once they're approved by the community!) I'd love to post your video on the Portuguese half of my blog and write a bit about why transition (and de-transition!) should not be taken lightheartedly.
Woow Sandra, your comments always make me speechless! Honestly, I hope you're already pursuing or are planning to go for a career where you can put all of that knowledge and ability to connect dots to good use! Seriously, your analysis is impressive. I didn't go into detail about how much support I was getting, but to be honest, it was very good and a lot of support. People were mostly positive about it and accepted me really well. The reason why it wasn't the case with my (now ex-)girlfriend is still a mystery to me, because she lives in Israel and has a much rougher time with barely any support in her proximity. Yet compared to me she's obviously still very sure about her decision, while I decided to look for the issue somewhere else. After reading a lot in self-help and psychology books, I learnt how to accept myself better and how to handle my issues. That was at the part in the video where I talked about self reflection. Even today reading up on social and psychological problems that bother me, really help coming to peace with who I am. At this point I feel like I made the right choice detransitioning - Interestingly while understanding the psychological aspect behind it might've helped me, I'm not sure it would help other transpeople. I'm sure it would help others who were in a similar situation and potentially (to say the worst) 'misdiagnosed' themselves, though. But like you, I guess a lot of people might just not be the 100% sort of trans, and that's okay. You mentioned it in your first comment - but maybe we should as a society also learn to live with people who 'switch' or who feel like something in between. And yes, I feel like even if I had been happy with my transition, it would've failed because of the financial and job market situation. I'm glad to hear you know transpeople who managed to barely escape being homeless. Money might be one of the most difficult parts about transitioning in a first world country. I couldn't handle the risk and as it turns out, having a stable life with a job right now is helping me a lot with my mental state now! So I'm still curious whether that would've changed things were I to have a job as a girl, too. Outra vez, muito obrigada pelo teu comentário e especialmente pela tradução! Eu li a maioria do texto e estou impressionado com o trabalho que fizeste para o meu video. É muito carinho :) ♥ I'm more than happy to see the video on your blog! I'll credit you in the description as well.
Sorry to hear this babe. I totally feel how difficult it is at job searching as a trans girl myself! Whatever decision you make, I hope you will be healthy, safe and happy!
You are a striking young man. And no matter how much confusion there is around you know this: You need to stop focusing on yourself and start caring about others. Too much time spent looking at yourself in the mirror will do bad things to your head. Get a job, get a girlfriend, have some sex, go out, do good for others, volunteer, be productive, do exercise. Life is too short to be looking at the mirror all day. Trust me, I know what is like.
Thank you for sharing. I've always felt that neither boy or girl girl is easy. It's an individual decision I'm glad it's working for you at the moment. Some of what you've gone through has resonated with me
Honestly, transitioning (at least right now, years into it socially) has been helpful for me. When i fully passed as a guy, I realized I didn't feel strictly a guy, rather a shifting mix, and I realized I had too much stress trying to act really masculine all the time (i'm a dude), and as such, I realized, since I passed, it was alright to act a little more 'feminine' or whatever. And It's much more comfortable that way. I don't know where my road leads, but I realized when/if I medically transition, I'm going to do it so I feel more comfortable with myself, and not so I can fit what others want me to do. It's been freeing. Great video! And I'm glad you found a good spot for yourself even with an uncertain road.
Thank you very much for sharing your story! I think this emphasizes the fact that transition is about reaching a truer "you" - wherever that truth may land you. As a transguy, I related so much to this and while I'm finding that transitioning to be a good, though sometimes trippy, decision I find that it is critical to have and share these types of stories too. Because there's not just one trans narrative. I'm happy you've found some comfort in yourself and totally support whatever future you carve out for yourself. Hopefully there will always be cats ;)
I'm glad you can live your life with less anxiety. You tried, and I think you are a lovely person, regardless of how you dress or identify. Transitioning isn't for everyone, and I think it's great to hear you say you would have eventually tried it out. I hope whatever you do and feel, you can be happy and do the things you love :)
❤ although i can't understand how people don't know what sex they are, it's literally engraved into every cell of your body, i am VERY happy that you found yourself again.
Can I say, welcome back! And, that you make a very handsome man. There has got to be good in a man who loves cats. (smile) I hope you can see what a very special person you are for being as unique and sensitive as you are. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey to self-rediscovery. I wish you well.
Really appreciate your sharing your story. It sounds like you've dealt a lot with depression. Same here, and I'd really recommend trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I've tried a number of different therapists, but I've never had nearly this much improvement in such a short amount of time. I've dealt with not wanting to leave the house, missing appointments, and generally not being motivated to do anything at all. CBT is a way to help you challenge automatic thought patterns that lead to things like depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. When you are able to systematically examine your thought patterns in this way, it allows you to see the thinking traps that cause you to go into a spiral, and work on nipping them in the bud. Hang in there, buddy.
I believe that finding oneself is very difficult for a lot, if not most, people. And that what's right for one person, may not be right for another. That's basically how I see that some transition and some detransition. I started transitioning (from woman to man) 9 years ago and I've never felt or thought that was the wrong decision for me. It always felt very right. Like I'm becoming myself more and more. When I lived as a woman, that was what felt fake for me. Like I was in drag or wore a mask. Living my life as a man I feel much more at ease and relaxed, more genuine. But sometimes I think "what if I'll change my mind later on?" even though I don't think I ever will. At this point, with hormones and surgery, my body has changed a lot, and most of it wouldn't be possible to change back. At least not convincingly. But don't get me wrong, I love all the changes to maleness my body has gone through so far. I mean, it's a little scary having to rely on that I just hopefully won't ever change my mind, if that makes sense. Cause the future is uncertain either way. I completely accept those who detransition and think nothing bad of it, but thinking about it in relation to myself scares me a bit. I think maybe I think too much.
Well, I always think that the meaning of transition is to become more yourself, but some people I've known get caught up in just a whole new set of gender role expectations (that don't fit them either) along the way, and forget to just be true to themselves (there's no one set way of being a man or woman, after all - if you're a woman, then you're a woman, no matter what you act or dress like, trans or not). I liked this video, it was very chill, and who knows what the future will bring for you. I'm somebody who doesn't feel they fit into either the male or female box at all (non-binary) so perhaps it could even be something like that? Either way, good luck with your journey. (:
I congratulate you!!! You were/are the double of brave!!! Going through all of that is very hard and difficult. I wish you the best, I really do. I hope you are happy and you can find peace. Best wishes. PS I went through the same. I detransitioned too so I can totally understand you,I relate way too much. Good videy.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a Healthcare worker and stumbled on your video in lieu of personal research (im trying to grow more sensitive to differences in order to become a better practitioner). Your story is a beautiful one, and something that is still unfolding. You are a stunning individual, and a extremely attractive man (i hope i don't offend you by referring to you as a man but you are indeed a gorgeous man). Ultimately, you just strive to be a awesome human being, a kind soul, and live the best version of yourself (you dont have to fit in anyones box but your own). I pray god continue to bless and guide you. Xoxo
This was a awesome video. Not click bait but just amazing to see you are happyxx my transition has been going so slow and sometimes I think to go back but I’m still going to continue xx Thank you for sharing
Thanks a lot! Transitioning is harsh, but if it's the best way to enable you to be functional and to live up to your own desires, you're going the right way. I wish you all the strength and motivation to keep going :)
I like this video a lot. It conveys several important lessons. People need to understand that a) transitioning may not be for them which is okay b) it's okay to be confused about your gender c) even if you are trans, it's okay to not know it until you're older. d) you may end up not being trans at all which is just fine e) it's okay to explore your gender. I didn't transition with hormones or anything, but I began to present as male, go by he/him pronouns, and choose a different name to go by. While I enjoyed being a male the struggles that came with 'transitioning' and beginning my life anew as a man wasn't for me. It could be because I'm not trans after all, it could be because I'm not strong enough to deal with the difficulties that come with being trans so I'm better off accepting life with gender dysphoria. I don't know what it is and who knows who I'll be in the future, but I'm back to living my life as a female (Although I do still go by the male name I chose for myself) and I'm satisfied with this. I don't like it as much as presenting male, but I'm okay living my life as a female.
Thank you so much for sharing! Your video is profound and inspiring, and shows a beautiful mind and your humanity. You will have the BEST in your LIFE! xoxo
Good video. Its good to spread awareness of detransitioning. People shouldnt feel pressured to COMMIT to anything. People change. Situations change. Good luck with your future!
I don't understand who would thumb this down. It is honest, and it is how things sometimes work out in real life. Sometimes people can change opinions on things, but it's OK. It's not for everyone. Sometimes people get rid of their body dysphoria, even though they might continue to feel transgender. This was a difficult journey, so thank you for shearing and giving insight into it
Damn I must say I really like the video's editing, t'was a good swiss "liminal spaces" compilation, it really hit me with lots of memories. I'm glad I decided to watch your video as a trans girl. I was afraid it would make me self doubt a whole deal but on the contrary, it has given me hope. Hope that even if I do a mistake with my transition and all, it'll be part of my journey in the end and I won't regret it.
you are a very intelligent person and I wish you happiness, either way, whether you transition again or not. Plus, you love cats and anybody who loves cats deserves the best. What is really profound and extremely true is when you narrated about realizing you don't have a coke in the house and just getting out of the house to buy a coke. Transsexuals who are not passable are really disabled and crippled since they just can't leave the house and buy a coke. They need to spend 3 hours doing hair, make up and clothes to get out of the house and buy a coke. That was very profound.
It's so sad that you were not able to go on HRT :( It helps so much with passing but also with feeling like yourself and less like a fake. From someone who is transitioning in her mid 30's, please do not forget that if you are trans, it never goes away. I have cut my hair short as well and was happy about fitting in for a while but it only delayed the inevitable. I understand that you seek stability and to escape the pain your were in. You can always transition later but do not underestimate the pain of regret. Before starting HRT I went to get some food dressed as me but unshaven. It was a challenge I did to see if I will be able to live as open trans. Because I knew I would need to not care what others think of me. I still fight with this sometimes (did I just pass or not?) but it is getting better. You are so brave for going to that job interview. You do not need to admire trans woman. You can do this as well if you work on your fears. I know, because I thought I would never have the strength to transition.
Those are kind words, thanks for the amazing support! You're totally right about it being inevitable if I'm trans. It definitely makes me curious wondering which direction I will take in the end. So far I've been doing quite well, and I will be making a follow up video on the detransition in a few months or a year to see how I feel about all of this and what route I will take. I'll keep your brave story in mind - Hope your transition is going well now! :)
@@martinrei3213 Seems like a blessing in disguise that you didn't get the hormones and do irreversible damage. What did you mean that your girlfriend is Trans? Is she a guy that turned into a woman or a woman that turned into a man? All of this is very confusing and seems like a lot of trouble. You're perfect how you are. Love yourself.
Do not worry about how you present yourself to other people. I too have spent my life dealing with gender dysphoria. You’ll often go back and forth when deal with this. At age forty five years old I came down with a form of testicular cancer. Well it wasn’t just testicular cancer it was also ovarian cancer too. In other words I never fully sexually developed during the embryonic phase of gestation. In time I came to realize many of us who have to deal with dysphoria maybe didn’t sexually develop properly. Accept my body and brain failed to develop. Where the average transsexual has just brain development that isn’t the same as their body development. Just be yourself, what ever you feel that self is.
Your comment about not having to perform was very insightful. The transsexuLs I have met always demanded an audience and positive reaction. It was exhausting being with them.
Hi! Thanks for your story. I am not transgender at all but I've gone through/am going through similar things. It gets better though. But all this anxiety, taking time going out (just the idea of getting ready, shower etc.) it's crazy. You know what, some people are just transvestites/crossdressers. One does not have to alter one's body to pull off long hair or shop in the female department. I am not sure whether these people are in better (overall psychic) health and feel much less shame and anxiety, though. Maybe you could investigate Eastern philosophies who talk about feminine and masculine sides and healing (of those). Such things as Tantra etc. And how to live a conscious and awaken life. In the meantime, I would suggest you see a psychologist/therapist. If you have depression (and anxiety), you need to get medical support.
This video kind of gave me some relief about transitioning. I want to transition because I feel very uncomfortable with how my body is but I was really anxious about what if it was the wrong decision. But I guess if it turns out not to be right it'll just be whatever. Cause I cant live like this forever lol it's the worsssssttttt
If you had anxiety doing day to day things a "woman" then you were definitely not transgender. As a transgender man as soon as I even put on mens cologne it instantly relieves all of my anxiety :o I'm surprised you didnt detransition much earlier 😟
Thank you for this video, Martin. I will share it around when I get the opportunity to. I believe that people considering transitioning should see both sides of the coin, and not just the positive aspects. Moreover, I believe that no one should take any hormone therapy to transition because this causes many irreversible changes. Medical professionals should assess people with gender issues thoroughly and solve any other problems first. Gatekeeping is important and people should be aware of permanent changes before considering doing something so life-altering. Love yourself. Love body exactly the way it is. Never change
I had a very similar experience just on the opposite side. noone believes that i had real dysphoria at the time and i really went thought a rough time dealing with it Thank you for sharing your story it makes me feel less alone
It's definitely a hard process and people need different things. Nothing you said actually made it sound like you didn't still feel like a girl. Just that the process was too strenuous and you had to take a break. However you feel and whatever you choose to do: it's all okay
Hey so I want to go over like how I transitioned everyone story is different, I think your main issue is that you socially transitioned before medically transitioning. I began medically transitioning however didn't socially transition, I began transitioning very young so my body was incredibly receptive to estrogen, I let estrogen do it's thing and I began moving towards just more andro clothing, first thing was a bought a denim jacket in a women's fit, didn't pass but it didn't matter because my clothing didn't signify I was trans. Around 5 months I began getting like heavy breast growth and I then just began wearing women's cut shirt, I have incredibly slim waist, and large hips so around that time I began to pass my face is incredibly round and estrogen made it rounder but I had dysphoria from my trachea so I got surgery to remove it. I began wearing basic concealer just to contour certain parts of my face which made me look a million times better, it was subtle but it helped so much. I am planning for brow bone reduction eventually as it's the last section of facial dysphoria for me. I trained my voice, which took tens of hours but it was the final part that made me really just be able to exist, you pass easily when walking because no one really notices you specifically once you are engaged with someone every detail of yourself becomes obvious and in this situation training your voice is really important. From there I finally ditched my masc sweatpants, for just women's jeans and when I did it when I went out I completely passed in them because I had worked my way up, I just looked like a very masculine women, when I was walking home from school some guy yelled "dyke" from his car on the side of the road, he clearly was a POS but I have never felt so validated by a slur. Wearing andro clothing also helped me, by also not drawing so much attention to me, which for me was good. From there I got laser on my legs, (I had already on my face) and put certain creams on it to make it look smoother and began wearing just jean shorts, and that is basically where I currently stand. I am planning SRS (penile inversion vaginoplasty), I have it all scheduled for next year, and I am just going to let my breasts grow in and maybe "in the future"TM get breast augmentation. I became so attached to andro/masc clothing that I have never wanted to switch, I am fine with being read a masc presenting woman, like it's actually really cool. There is no reason to not take it slow. It's hard, it's so hard to want to express yourself and not being fully able to yet. This experience was so painful for me, even if it was comparably easy for me compared to some other people. It was a gradual change in which I noticed my overall appearance and dysphoria slowly go away. Hormones take time, surgeries are expensive and painful but it's worth it in the end. I want to close this, for no particular reason on how Lou Sullivan always ended his , because I love him -Yours in liberation,
Thank you for this... Im detrasitioning after 4 years of being a boy and being 8 months on testosterone, but the worst part is that i changed my documents and i live in Mexico, so there's no way back... I've been feeling really depressed and im searching for other people with a similar story to feel identified...
Thanks :) I'm glad to hear you liked it! Unfortunately I can't find all the music pieces, but here's the ones I have: 0:00 - Koyö - Stay ??? 6:39 - SPZRKT & Sango - The Motive / Used To The Melody 7:10 - Tsundere Labs Inc - Tsundere Jazz
BUT DO YOU FEEL DYSPHORIC ABOUT YOUR BODY? Sometimes I feel like I can get comfortable and fill in my masculine features like slightly wider arms and I feel less anxious wearing something that makes me a bit more masc than usual but 9 times out of 10 I wish i had a more feminine body and it becomes so stressing and also guilt comes that I didn't start hormones when I realized because I would have been closer to what I wanted to look like....did you experience anything like that, how strong is your body dysphoria?
It goes without saying that there's a slight bit of gender dysphoria in every trans person. Personally, I felt the most dysphoric about my face - I detested my rather large jaw line and dominant nose, I planned on getting FFS asap. I did also struggle with my masculine _curves_ (barely any feminine hips) and chest. But I was quite patient and accepting about my body because the belief that I would get hormones someday kept me sane. These days I set my priorities less on my appearance and more on a stable life, so I sort of accept my current state. My feelings on gender dysphoria do fluctuate a lot, so it's hard to tell how I'll feel about it in the future. But there's never any reason to feel guilty about what you describe. A lot of trans people have described to me, how they wish they had taken hormones years earlier. Leave the past in the past - Change happens now or in the future :)
This is really complex. Some people start to transition but realise later on, either for a time or for good, that it really isn't the right thing for them. Others grow into their true gender. Both are okay. There's no reason to doubt yourself or to question whether you're right or wrong. We never are, we're always becoming.
Everything you went through is all part of transitioning in a transphobic society (sadly). It can often get better, but you have to give things time. Having a rock solid plan, being realistic, and having support are all massively important. Everything you're talking about in this video is exactly what I went through, but as I say, it gets better, and I feel sad that the situation seemed to put you off being yourself. My transition was a very difficult nightmare (I got a lot of abuse, no work, and was made to feel like a freak), but over time things improved. If you don't get hormones then you won't go through the physical changes which help you look more feminine to society, or most importantly, help you to get past the gender dysphoria so many people suffer from. If transition wasn't right for you (as it isn't for some people) then that's totally cool, because many of these changes are permanent. But if you are trans then I hope you can find a way back to being your true self. I would recommend anyone considering transition to go see a specialised gender psychotherapist and talk through their issues with a professional who understands. Basically: Its all about being authentic and finding your truth, so that you can live a life of peace no matter who/what you are.
You are legit an adorable, super attractive guy. That is, not to devalue you during your transition, you were beautiful regardless. Whether you ever continue your transition in the future, or if this was just a step in your self discovery, I'm glad it helped you in any way to go through this experience. I know it was hard and depressing but you seem to truly know yourself more now and that's beautiful.
Yeah, I was going to say, He is a gorgeous person in general 😄 Couldn't agree more
@yollam Yeah, Couldn't agree more 😀 Now that's talent
My detransition was extremely similar, being trans started off happy but quickly turned into an anxious nightmare. Since detransitioning, i've been happier and learned that I also need to indulge in my interests more instead of hiding. I don't try pass as a male, but I wont stop myself from wearing male clothes
Why anxious . CN u elaborate and how long did it last
Thank you, I do truly thank you for sharing your story. My story is very similar to yours, only I am no longer Aiden anymore. I had been him for three years. Now I am a mother, a wife and my former female self again. Thank you again Martin.
Melissa Davenport I'm happy to hear my story has appealed to you and hope you feel at peace with your decision to stay Melissa! Just always stay true to yourself and what makes you content :)
God bless you that must was hard to go through.
Melissa Davenport lmfao
I'd like to hear your story Melissa if you ever created a video or wrote an essay. Would you send it to me? Krystal.Thomas.192@gmail.com
I transitioned for a year then detransitioned and tried to live as a man for 4 years then transitioned again back to mtf for the last 2 years. I was female. The self was female the entire time. I had catatonic schizophrenia paranoia. I had schizophrenia paranoia when I transitioned the first time, then when I detransitioned I became catatonic. Now I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm scheduled for SRS which I've wanted my whole life just didn't know I wanted it.
Melissa Davenport you made a good call you are a good looking man but you stick out like a sore thumb as a woman I'm sorry but not every man can change to an acceptable female.
As a trans woman I feel this is the most candid, well-put-together, and thoughtful description of detransition I've seen. I find myself relating to a lot of what led you to transition an the anxieties you dealt with while transitioned. I think my training as a singer has enabled me to have a very passing voice which has helped immensely in my transition which also helps in general. It's taboo to say but passing does matter and as a gender dysphoric person it's always okay to take a step back and evaluate your priorities and make the best decision for yourself
You describe exactly what I had to go through. Being trans was miserable for me. I'd rather live a stress free life and go back to boy, I feel better, I am seeing my Dr. to come of meds asap I'm done!! Great video great advice
what do you identify as right now?
I think it's perfectly healthy for sormone to be unsure if their identity and question themselves. There's so much pressure on trans people to seem so sure of themselves they tend to lie about feeling completely sure to not be gatekepted or just rediculed by people that don't understand it. At least, the message I think you're trying to get across is that's it's okay to change your decision as time goes on. Also, for identities other than binary ones; I'm sure they feel that pressure in a much heavier way sort of like bi people compared to gay people.
As a trans girl I'm pretty darn confident in myself, but have had doubts. I've mostly got that your mental health such as anxiety got worse because of the difficulty of transitioning which doesn't necessarily make someone not trans but can kind of point to that and requestioning. I've sort of had the opposite experience that my anxiety has gotten much better since and I couldn't see myself presenting masculine again. Either way thanks for sharing your experience keep being you and questioning your identity if you need to despite what society thinks.
Tbh as a trans woman I'm and was 100% certain but I've had a lot of soul searching, some suicide attempts, lot of self harm and drug use to run away from what I was dealing with. The last 6 years I've been clean from drugs and I took that time with a doc to help me articulate myself and how I felt. For me I never questioned it, I felt that despite how I felt I would end up looking like I should be on the rocky horror picture show. (Tbh that's what threw me off the deep end when I saw it at 18) I did not mind trying to figure out how to be the me I was but once that hope disappeared that maybe I could be the real me I fell into Hell. I think being unsure would have been better than being sure and having the hope ripped away but then again that's the great question is it better to love and loss or to never love at all. Its always greener on the other side. Anyway I think being unsure is a lot more fun, its always exciting lol.
I'm not trans or anything BUT I can sense your struggle. I'm all about living life as stress free as possible so I say try not to worry about the details and just do what feels good to you. Wear what you feel like wearing and act how you want to act even if it's a combination of both masc and fem.
If you would accept being a man there would be no stress. Being feminine at all negates being masculine, you can't 'have both traits'
The majority of people have elements of both masculinity and femininity naturally.
Thank you so much for covering the complicated topic of detransitioning without pushing any anti-trans rhetoric.
I'm m2f and detransitioned once. I can understand a lot of where you're coming from however I just started transitioning again after thinking about the decision again for 2 years. Great video. Keep being strong!
Hey Bella Cigno thanks a lot! Interestingly enough I noticed that in a lot of the detransition videos I watched (before I actually decided to detransition myself), there were a lot of people who decided to go back to transitioning again. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and sometimes it takes both perspectives to realise what really makes you happy as yourself. I saw a few of your videos and it's very brave of you to go back. I hope starting hormones again went well :)
Thanks. I haven't started taking them yet.
Bella Cigno You go girl.
What is the impact on your body doing this repeatedly?
You go boys
I use to have a complex about my ethnicity. I was bullied a lot by my oldest sibling for many years. I wanted to be a white person. I thought if I could act white or be light skinned, I would be happy. Now at 43, I've grown to accept myself and even like myself. I couldn't imagine now trying to be something else other than me. After I graduated from college and moved around for work, people were always giving me compliments for my skin and hair. All these years I hated myself because of my oldest sister. I met a man who loves me. I'm finally happy.
In the end it doesn't matter where you're from, what you identify as or what ethnicity you have, it's always about who you are. It's sad people shame others for superficial details like those, but I'm glad to hear you've come to accept yourself the way you are despite that!
Is he white?
Sylvia, your story is so inspiring. People often think that youth is the best state of being, but it's only part of life's long journey and sometimes it takes time to see what's really beautiful about ourselves. So glad you found your inner peace.
That’s sad but I have heard many similar stories about people wanting to look different or have different hair, nose and everything. Women are probably the worst about hating themselves the way they are. It’s great when we are finally at peace with it.
I definitely appreciate your thoughts and whatever decision you make in the future. As a transgirl recovering from some procedures. Your honesty is refreshing. Hope all goes well with you!!! 😙😙❤❤❤
Thanks a lot :)
Hope you have a speedy recovery!
Thanks Love
what procedures?
shots autism shhhhh it's a secret...
I have deep respect for you. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this video. I wish you continued strength.
Feel like the best and most honest version of yourself, no matter what you decide. I am also detransitioning. I found that once I got on hormones I felt something change, it was a softer version of me but i didn't care so much about wanting to transition, which took me by surprise and was quite allot to wrap my head around.
your gender is valid no matter how you see yourself and I think that you are beautiful no matter how you present
You've struggled and you've suffered, and for that I feel nothing but compassion and love for you. Every person has a different story, and yours is still ongoing, but for now you're feeling content with yourself. What more can one ask for?
Welcome back, brother.
With all the talk in the community about transitioning I am so glad that you have shared your story with us. It's a hard thing to do and many people want to keep quiet about it but your story needs to be heard. Transition is hard and takes a toll on your emotions, I can understand why someone wouldn't want to go through with it just yet, if at all. It doesn't make you any less you. Thank you for your incredible story.
Wow, very brave, I transitioned kinda late in my life with 34. Altough I kept thinking about transitioning every year of my life, I thought I could never pass. With 19 there was a huge urge to do it. Then I tried as a boy for 15 more years. Maybe I needed to live through these "male-years" to realize it will kill me slowley and I just have one life. Now I am happy and I don´t regret anything. Well some things are harder like getting a job or like you say spending more time for applying makeup just to get to the store. But this is the society that supposedly makes the rules. With time I realized I should make the rules. So I go out without any makeup, just being natural. Sometimes I think I should have done that earlier, but maybe like you I wouldn´t have had the exhausting experience of living in a male body...having all those problems with myself, sex, bodyfeeling, expression, clothes, behaviour... I lived a mask. It is important to decide whats good for you. Living in the right body gives in my opinion the only feeling of being authentic and happy - only one question...from my therapist I heard in Switzerland you have to do one year as a girl without hormones as a test. Have you´ve been taken hormones? Cause they changed my body to the congruent feeling inside...if I had to live one year as a woman without hormones I wouldn´t have passed so good as female. The first 6 months was extremely hard, but every day my passing did better and I don´t have to force myself to be female it comes naturally...I think the hormones help here too (softer skin, breast, female features in face,....)
Hey Verena, your story is very brave, especially at your age, considering there's a lot of "I'm too old" mentality out there - It's never too late to be honest with yourself, very courageous of you! Living by your own rules is an important aspect. You have to live with yourself everyday, but society doesn't. So choose your rules wisely and right, in the end those are the ones that take care of your well being, not those of society. Like you did with makeup and your body, as long as you don't hurt anyone else, choose what makes you happy.
As for living as a girl for a year in Switzerland before hormones; if I remember correctly that 'test' has been abolished. Unfortunately due to my circumstances I couldn't get any hormones either way. I've heard from friends they can help a lot mentally and emotionally as well, but I haven't had the chance to try them. Thank you for sharing your story :)
Thanks for sharing your story, it is a powerful one!
interesting story, I hope you find peace with yourself. I'm ftm and for me the anxiety feeling is the other way around. for me being able to live as a boy, and seeing my body change has improved my metal health so much and basically made my social anxiety leave completely. I don't know what I would be if I didn't have the chance to transition
Thank you for posting this. I have trans and non-binary friends and former partners. I feel my best support for them is to be there for them in the best way possible and to make sure that I treat them with respect as a whole person. The packaging on the outside is a small part of what makes a person complete. As long as they are good to me, I am on board.
Whoa, this is exactly how I'm feeling rn wow. Literally hit the nail on the head, thank you for telling your story. I'm glad I'm not the only one
I like that you are so open to others and had made these experimental stuff to yourself. I shows that you are an open person and more people need to accept that we all can wear and look what we want to - with or without hormones!
Sounds like you're doing a really good job of feeling life out and listening to yourself, you make a beautiful woman and a handsome man so whatever turns out to be right for you know that you are a great looking and kind sounding human being
Thanks so much for your video - we need way, way more people having the courage to explain why they transitioned in the first place and why they detransitioned at some point. Your case is similar to many, many others I've read about: basically, they figured out that 'transition' is far tougher than what they imagined, and that some of the things bothering them before transition (anxiety, depression...) remained after transition - so clearly the root of the problem was not gender dysphoria, but rather, gender dysphoria emerged from a completely different reason (and there are many, from physical trauma to the brain to having experienced traumatic experiences at a tender age, the sort of things activists prefer never to mention). Three things might happen: the first is 'giving up' just because 'being trans' is too hard; the second is figuring out the root reason for those feelings of gender dysphoria, and working on that instead - and then the 'urge' to transition will disappear and one will go back to their 'former selves', so to speak. And the third thing would be to figure out that one's gender identity is not fixed as 100% male or 100% female, but that sometimes one needs to present as one of the genders, and sometimes as the other (and this 'need' can last for several weeks, months, even years - but it might not be 'permanent').
In other words: you _can_ have the symptoms of gender dysphoria - and even have serious issues about your gender identity - but not be 'transgender' in the sense of 'having to go through transition'.
While every case is different, and I'm not a psychologist, your mini-documentary (which is amazingly well-done, you should pick a career in media production!) gives some clues to what went wrong during your transition. I'm not sure if they are obvious for everyone, so let me enumerate those that I caught immediately. First, you mention the issue about the cost of trains, and this, for me, means that you weren't being advised properly by doctors before transition - i.e. you didn't see them enough times. Once per week is the minimum for consulting with a psychologist (trained in clinical sexology), and that for a long time - for such a serious decision as transition, the absolute minimum ought to be a dozen sessions at least, but ideally more than that. This ought to include several kinds of profile tests - you cannot figure out from a test if someone is 'transgender', but it _might_ be possible to figure out other issues that may be causing gender dysphoria. Thirdly, you don't mention if you were on anxiolytics and antidepressants, and how these have been adjusted before, during, after transition and after de-transitioning; it's very rare for someone to be allowed to transition if they are still depressed, and while I've known of several cases of people transitioning with anxiety disorder (but taking anxiolytics!), they will at the very least be under close observation.
Hormones is a problem, and, in general, you can view your 'transition' as a so-called real-life test; in many countries those are made _without_ hormones (I don't know how it's done in Switzerland, but you certainly mentioned waiting two years for getting hormones); around here in Portugal that's the case for the public health service, but private doctors find that's simply too cruel. In any case, the point is dealing with transphobia 'in the flesh', so to speak, doing daily chores and interacting with all sorts of people. You will learn to deal with transphobia all your life, no matter how many hormones you take and how many surgeries you do, so if you're not prepared to deal it during a 'worst case scenario' (i.e. no hormones, just clothes and padding...) then you shouldn't go on (so your decision was the correct one!).
There is also one issue you mention with which I totally identify: the time it takes to go out presenting as a woman if you've been born in a male body. Again, I believe that transition (living full-time in your assigned gender role) should be attempted once you can at least go out taking as much time to dress and get ready. This does not necessarily mean 'looking perfect', of course, but at least 'acceptable'; and laser depilation is certainly a must on the face! I've got a friend who had been on hormones for a couple of years but when she went to her full surgeries (top and bottom, done on the same day!) she still hadn't gotten rid of her facial hair, which looked... so wrong. It was the only tell-tale sign of her masculinity, though, the rest of the body was perfectly shaped thanks to cosmetic surgery and hormones. While in her case I would understand that she really didn't need much to go out (so long as she shaved every day...), in your case - taking an hour! - is far too much time (speaking for myself: I take _two_ hours _plus_ the time to take a bath, which I have to as a male anyway, so that doesn't count). Clearly that's simply not practical enough!
Now I believe that you have gotten a taste - more than a taste, since it has been two years! - how it feels to be a trans woman in Zürich. That is really what matters, and without that experience, you couldn't make a life-long decision, so I'm actually glad that you tried your hardest to succeed while presenting as a woman, _before_ you went with ahead with any non-reversible surgeries. There is a terrible trade-off here: the more surgeries and hormones you get, the easier the transition will be, but it will be next-to-impossible to 'go back' if you figure out that the transition was not what you needed to feel good about yourself. On the flip side of the coin, transitioning _without_ any surgery & hormones means having a much tougher experience, one that might not even reflect 'reality', and therefore it might be seen as 'too hard' while that might just be a consequence of one's too-male body (speaking of MtF trans people). It's impossible to say which is better and that's why it has to be a personal decision; doctors can only help so far as to determine if you're ready to do what you wish to do, they cannot 'persuade' you to make a choice.
Last but not least... it's really great that you feel good as a boy again, and I hope that feeling persists, if that's your 'permanent' choice, but... why should it be 'permanent'? Some people cannot live just stuck with a single gender; and sometimes 'switching genders' may be something you need to do every week or so, sometimes it's something to do only some years (and for months at a stretch - like in your case). This is sadly, from the perspective of society, one of the hardest kinds of transgender people to accept: those that are not 'stuck' to a single gender, but present themselves differently according to mood, context, etc. But it _can_ be your case; only you may know that.
And sometimes one just needs to take a vacation of oneself and reinvent one's identity for a while. You did that with your gender identity. Now you're back and happy again. And perhaps you might need to 'go on vacation' again in the future. Who knows? That's an answer only you can get.
Cheers, and be happy! :-)
Hey Sandra Lopes, thanks a lot for your impressively extensive comment! Your theories are very thought out and hold quite some relevance to my case. Besides seeking stability, the factor that I learnt a lot about myself (and possibly the root cause you speak of) during the last few months of living as a woman, probably contributed to the 'urge to transition' weakening. Whether the third phase will happen, is a question for the future - currently I'm happy with my 'former self'. Though I'm curious to know whether you've experienced that phase yourself or from other people, and how that came to be?
The point you mention about not being properly advised by doctors, is an interesting one. I did have more than a dozen appointments for sure, but there haven't been any direct tests. I suppose the motivation to transition was determined orally during those sessions, but I have to say - A lot of times when I had worries, a lot of issues were tied down to gender dysphoria by default. There wasn't much skepticism whether I was trans or whether the 'root cause' that lead to these gender identity based feelings appearing even existed. At the time I would've probably passed such a test, but in a way the rather 'permanent' choice was treated quite lightheartedly.
As for the 'real-life test' - AFAIK it used to be a thing here in Switzerland but was abolished a while ago, probably for the same reasons private doctors have in Portugal. The reason it didn't work out for me was probably tied to other factors as well, such as slight social anxiety and an overall very unstable life at the time. So either way, I'd probably struggle with any real-life test :P
In general your comment was a really nice, insightful read and I can relate to a lot of it, so thanks again! :)
Sorry for only answering back today. I just wanted to add that I have no _personal_ experience of a formal transition in the sense of spending 100% of my time as a woman (I'm happy when I get 30%!), I've just been in touch (and, as said, read about) with a few cases who are similar to your own - where a certain disappointment set in during transition as it became much harder than expected, and, most notably, wasn't leading to a stable life - but rather a much worse one in the sense of having no job (and finding it much harder to get one), getting transphobic remarks (even indirect ones like people just staring at you), and also, as you mentioned, the trouble to go out fully as a woman (which takes time!) for the simplest tasks. Even more seriously, though, at least from what I've read (and heard) was the psychological well-being: people expected that transition worked as a 'medical miracle' for them (since that's what happens to over 99% of all people who went successfully through transition), and while there was an initial euphoria when actually taking the first steps, it quickly faded to the point where doubts started creeping in - and it was clear that, unlike it happened to so many others, it wasn't helping in their case, and, eventually, it became just worse and worse, until de-transition was the logical outcome.
Because unfortunately de-transition is so much less studied and researched than transition, it's hard to say _why_ it happens in some cases. In other words: you mentioned that you have a trans girlfriend. Why does she still have the motivation to go on, while you haven't? Was it the lack of support you had? Or was it something else? Note that you mention a few things in your video: you allegedly don't 'pass' that well (I agree that we can only judge that from the few hand-picked photos!), you never managed to get hormones to start changing your body, so simple things like buying a can of Coke would take eons (when natal women would only need to put on a top and a pair of jeans and go out in a jiffy), and it was clear that it would be much, much harder to get a job and be able to keep it. And of course you don't mention having any support (perhaps only from your GF?), even some antagonism from your dad, and a real (financial!) difficulty to get regular appointments with a professional who would be able to help you out giving psychological support. So all of that worked against you... and I have heard very similar stories before. However, many have also traced back their 'gender dysphoria' feelings to _different_ psychological causes, and that's where the role of the doctor is truly helpful: although we might feel otherwise, the truth is that self-diagnosing oneself is _not_ easy. And here I can only give my own experience: while _most_ doctors tend to see me in my female presentation and be eager to encourage me towards transition, the longer they spend time with me, the more doubts _they_ have that this would actually work for me. It's not that they don't claim that I'm _not_ transgender in some form; they are pretty sure I have _some_ sort of gender issues - after all, 'normal' cishet males don't spend a considerable amount of their time going around doing daily chores dressed as women! - but perhaps (it's not clear yet!) those issues are not 'strong' enough to consider transition the best choice. And note that I'm talking with _very_ progressive doctors and experts, who are eager to push people ahead through transition, and have done that to dozens of trans people... but they are also careful. As you have experienced, transition is _not_ easy. It's not even easy for those trans people having been born with excellent genes which make them look as perfect people of the gender they identify with, and who don't even need makeup, shapewear, or anything at all to pass 100% of the time as that gender. Even for _them_ transition is anything but easy (although I suspect that in such cases there is a lot of anxiety regarding the fear of being 'misgendered' - but anxiety is easily treated with medicine and therapy). It's way harder if you start with a lot of handicaps. At some point in my life, I actually believed that only filthy rich people could 'afford' going through transition - in the sense that not only they would never be constrained by financial difficulties (i.e. not getting a job would hardly matter for them) but they would also have access to a vast array of plastic surgery that would utterly transform every little bit of their bodies. You can see _lots_ of videos of such people on TH-cam - all of which have had rough times, sure, and a lot of anxiety and fear of having made a bad decision, but, ultimately, they managed to successfully transition just because there was a lot that they didn't need to worry about.
A decade ago, I followed a MtF trans person here on TH-cam (she has never posted any more videos for many, many years, and never gave an explanation of what happened), from the early days when she was just toying with the idea while crossdressing, and who eventually had to make a choice. She was blessed with wonderful genes - a tiny bit of hormones and some surgery and she looked gorgeous! - but her choice was not easy, either, because the first thing she had to worry about was the financial issue. Living in the US, where you have to pay everything out of your pocket, she advised her YT followers to start saving money well before transition, and do all sorts of 'expensive' things (such as laser hair removal!) while you still have a job as a male. Like you, she worked in a male-only environment - construction worker, I believe - and obviously she wouldn't be able to maintain her job, even in the most tolerant of the worlds, simply because a lot of tasks demanded a lot of physical strength, and, after the hormones kick in, you lose muscular mass and all your strength, so, in her case, continuing to do the kind of work she did as a male was really impossible. That meant, for her, saving lots and lots and lots of money for many years, so that she could pay for all hormones and surgeries (she did them in Thailand) and keep enough money to live comfortably for several years until she managed to get a job again, without needing to stress. So she advised others to do the same. I've also followed some trans women who did exactly that, but, although they were very qualified workers, found it incredibly hard to get a new job somewhere else as a woman. Some came very close to the point of extreme poverty and becoming homeless when they finally got some company who hired them and saved them from a financial disaster - and yes, they had not only saved a lot of money for those eventualities, but they also sent out tons of CVs and did dozens, if not hundreds, of job interviews.
And then there are the good examples. A friend of mine was very, very anxious about her future career, and was considering to move to the Netherlands, working in a call centre for minimum wages, just because she felt that she could keep a job there. But she was lucky: her actual very male work qualifications (micro-electronics) are in great demand, and her boss simply said that so long as she didn't get in touch with the customers, she could remain at her workplace, presenting as a woman. She's been on hormones for almost two years now (I think!) but she has no luck with her genes. Nevertheless, she goes on and doesn't give up easily; her doctors have no doubts about her (even if she sometimes doubts herself!) and give her the full support she needs.
Sometimes it's something you really have to go through first to see if it's what you really want. I'm actually happy that in your case you didn't go 'too far' in the sense of being able to de-transition without major difficulties; some are not so lucky and have to deal with the extra trouble of additional surgeries and reversing the effects of hormones, so that they aren't back in their _original_ bodies any more (even though they might be back to their original _gender_).
On the other hand, _if_ you think about transition again - in the future! - I would really advise you to try to get access to a group of psychologists who are 1) nearer to home so that you don't need to deal with the high costs of transportation; 2) are able to see you much more regularly, i.e. at least once per week; 3) are good at playing 'devil's advocate' - in other words, make you face your doubts instead of simply dispelling them and saying 'oh, you'll forget all about those doubts once you fully transition'. While that's certainly the case of 99% of all people who transitioned - taking more or less time until that happens, of course, every person is different and takes a different amount of time to reach that point - good doctors should also be aware of those 1% who might _not_ benefit from transition because the origin of their gender dysphoria is elsewhere. As you said, sometimes it's easy to give all the 'correct' answers to a doctor so that they undersign (and encourage!) a transition. But with enough time, and a reasonable amount of therapy sessions, a good expert in the field will know when you're actually lying to yourself, even if you might not be conscious of that...
To conclude... there are a lot of reasons why transition may not be the 'best' option under certain circumstances. Even Caitlyn Jenner, who certainly never had financial problems since the times when she got Olympic gold, attempted a transition in the 1990s and eventually had to give up - only to try again a quarter of a century later. Sometimes it's simply 'not the right time' just because the conditions aren't favourable.
Oh, btw, I submitted a translation of the subtitles in Portuguese. With your permission (once they're approved by the community!) I'd love to post your video on the Portuguese half of my blog and write a bit about why transition (and de-transition!) should not be taken lightheartedly.
Woow Sandra, your comments always make me speechless! Honestly, I hope you're already pursuing or are planning to go for a career where you can put all of that knowledge and ability to connect dots to good use! Seriously, your analysis is impressive.
I didn't go into detail about how much support I was getting, but to be honest, it was very good and a lot of support. People were mostly positive about it and accepted me really well. The reason why it wasn't the case with my (now ex-)girlfriend is still a mystery to me, because she lives in Israel and has a much rougher time with barely any support in her proximity. Yet compared to me she's obviously still very sure about her decision, while I decided to look for the issue somewhere else. After reading a lot in self-help and psychology books, I learnt how to accept myself better and how to handle my issues. That was at the part in the video where I talked about self reflection. Even today reading up on social and psychological problems that bother me, really help coming to peace with who I am. At this point I feel like I made the right choice detransitioning - Interestingly while understanding the psychological aspect behind it might've helped me, I'm not sure it would help other transpeople. I'm sure it would help others who were in a similar situation and potentially (to say the worst) 'misdiagnosed' themselves, though.
But like you, I guess a lot of people might just not be the 100% sort of trans, and that's okay. You mentioned it in your first comment - but maybe we should as a society also learn to live with people who 'switch' or who feel like something in between.
And yes, I feel like even if I had been happy with my transition, it would've failed because of the financial and job market situation. I'm glad to hear you know transpeople who managed to barely escape being homeless. Money might be one of the most difficult parts about transitioning in a first world country. I couldn't handle the risk and as it turns out, having a stable life with a job right now is helping me a lot with my mental state now! So I'm still curious whether that would've changed things were I to have a job as a girl, too.
Outra vez, muito obrigada pelo teu comentário e especialmente pela tradução! Eu li a maioria do texto e estou impressionado com o trabalho que fizeste para o meu video. É muito carinho :) ♥ I'm more than happy to see the video on your blog! I'll credit you in the description as well.
He makes me want to try it and not fear detrasition
Update: I'm doing it now, socially transitioned and am now on hrt :0
update #2 the hormones have been amazing :0 day 72 and I don't plan on stopping
Hi, enjoyed your video, I hope you find happiness, life is so short!!
Hey, thanks a lot! We're here for a good time, not a long time ;)
Such a human story! Thanks so much for sharing your struggles with us. Much respect!
Sorry to hear this babe. I totally feel how difficult it is at job searching as a trans girl myself! Whatever decision you make, I hope you will be healthy, safe and happy!
You are a striking young man. And no matter how much confusion there is around you know this: You need to stop focusing on yourself and start caring about others. Too much time spent looking at yourself in the mirror will do bad things to your head. Get a job, get a girlfriend, have some sex, go out, do good for others, volunteer, be productive, do exercise. Life is too short to be looking at the mirror all day. Trust me, I know what is like.
Thank you for sharing. I've always felt that neither boy or girl girl is easy. It's an individual decision I'm glad it's working for you at the moment. Some of what you've gone through has resonated with me
Honestly, transitioning (at least right now, years into it socially) has been helpful for me. When i fully passed as a guy, I realized I didn't feel strictly a guy, rather a shifting mix, and I realized I had too much stress trying to act really masculine all the time (i'm a dude), and as such, I realized, since I passed, it was alright to act a little more 'feminine' or whatever. And It's much more comfortable that way. I don't know where my road leads, but I realized when/if I medically transition, I'm going to do it so I feel more comfortable with myself, and not so I can fit what others want me to do. It's been freeing.
Great video! And I'm glad you found a good spot for yourself even with an uncertain road.
Thank you very much for sharing your story! I think this emphasizes the fact that transition is about reaching a truer "you" - wherever that truth may land you. As a transguy, I related so much to this and while I'm finding that transitioning to be a good, though sometimes trippy, decision I find that it is critical to have and share these types of stories too. Because there's not just one trans narrative. I'm happy you've found some comfort in yourself and totally support whatever future you carve out for yourself. Hopefully there will always be cats ;)
Brave story thank you for sharing.
This video was done so well!! I appreciate your story.
I'm glad you can live your life with less anxiety. You tried, and I think you are a lovely person, regardless of how you dress or identify. Transitioning isn't for everyone, and I think it's great to hear you say you would have eventually tried it out. I hope whatever you do and feel, you can be happy and do the things you love :)
❤ although i can't understand how people don't know what sex they are, it's literally engraved into every cell of your body, i am VERY happy that you found yourself again.
Can I say, welcome back! And, that you make a very handsome man.
There has got to be good in a man who loves cats. (smile)
I hope you can see what a very special person you are for being as unique and sensitive as you are.
Thank you for sharing your amazing journey to self-rediscovery.
I wish you well.
Really appreciate your sharing your story. It sounds like you've dealt a lot with depression. Same here, and I'd really recommend trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I've tried a number of different therapists, but I've never had nearly this much improvement in such a short amount of time. I've dealt with not wanting to leave the house, missing appointments, and generally not being motivated to do anything at all. CBT is a way to help you challenge automatic thought patterns that lead to things like depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. When you are able to systematically examine your thought patterns in this way, it allows you to see the thinking traps that cause you to go into a spiral, and work on nipping them in the bud. Hang in there, buddy.
I’m glad you’ve found a more peaceful place and that’s seems it’s what you need right now. 💓
thank you for your story.
I believe that finding oneself is very difficult for a lot, if not most, people. And that what's right for one person, may not be right for another. That's basically how I see that some transition and some detransition.
I started transitioning (from woman to man) 9 years ago and I've never felt or thought that was the wrong decision for me. It always felt very right. Like I'm becoming myself more and more. When I lived as a woman, that was what felt fake for me. Like I was in drag or wore a mask. Living my life as a man I feel much more at ease and relaxed, more genuine.
But sometimes I think "what if I'll change my mind later on?" even though I don't think I ever will. At this point, with hormones and surgery, my body has changed a lot, and most of it wouldn't be possible to change back. At least not convincingly. But don't get me wrong, I love all the changes to maleness my body has gone through so far.
I mean, it's a little scary having to rely on that I just hopefully won't ever change my mind, if that makes sense. Cause the future is uncertain either way. I completely accept those who detransition and think nothing bad of it, but thinking about it in relation to myself scares me a bit. I think maybe I think too much.
Well, I always think that the meaning of transition is to become more yourself, but some people I've known get caught up in just a whole new set of gender role expectations (that don't fit them either) along the way, and forget to just be true to themselves (there's no one set way of being a man or woman, after all - if you're a woman, then you're a woman, no matter what you act or dress like, trans or not). I liked this video, it was very chill, and who knows what the future will bring for you. I'm somebody who doesn't feel they fit into either the male or female box at all (non-binary) so perhaps it could even be something like that? Either way, good luck with your journey. (:
I know I should be commenting on your story but, you have some bad ass cinematography skills. Seriously, you're great at it.
He's cute😭
I congratulate you!!! You were/are the double of brave!!! Going through all of that is very hard and difficult. I wish you the best, I really do. I hope you are happy and you can find peace. Best wishes.
PS I went through the same. I detransitioned too so I can totally understand you,I relate way too much. Good videy.
I hope you are able to hold on to the parts of being Tina that you loved best going forward.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a Healthcare worker and stumbled on your video in lieu of personal research (im trying to grow more sensitive to differences in order to become a better practitioner).
Your story is a beautiful one, and something that is still unfolding. You are a stunning individual, and a extremely attractive man (i hope i don't offend you by referring to you as a man but you are indeed a gorgeous man). Ultimately, you just strive to be a awesome human being, a kind soul, and live the best version of yourself (you dont have to fit in anyones box but your own). I pray god continue to bless and guide you.
Xoxo
You looked just like any hot male rockstar with long hair, you never looked like a girl. I'm glad you finally came to your senses. Good job man
Loved your video so much :’o may your goals be made with a lot of success 🙏🏻
What a journey. You had your ups and downs but being happy is the ultimate goal. Love this video
This was a awesome video. Not click bait but just amazing to see you are happyxx my transition has been going so slow and sometimes I think to go back but I’m still going to continue xx
Thank you for sharing
Thanks a lot! Transitioning is harsh, but if it's the best way to enable you to be functional and to live up to your own desires, you're going the right way. I wish you all the strength and motivation to keep going :)
this is very well made. good job.
I like this video a lot. It conveys several important lessons. People need to understand that a) transitioning may not be for them which is okay b) it's okay to be confused about your gender c) even if you are trans, it's okay to not know it until you're older. d) you may end up not being trans at all which is just fine e) it's okay to explore your gender.
I didn't transition with hormones or anything, but I began to present as male, go by he/him pronouns, and choose a different name to go by. While I enjoyed being a male the struggles that came with 'transitioning' and beginning my life anew as a man wasn't for me. It could be because I'm not trans after all, it could be because I'm not strong enough to deal with the difficulties that come with being trans so I'm better off accepting life with gender dysphoria. I don't know what it is and who knows who I'll be in the future, but I'm back to living my life as a female (Although I do still go by the male name I chose for myself) and I'm satisfied with this. I don't like it as much as presenting male, but I'm okay living my life as a female.
Thanks for sharing your story, A little support does go a long way. Many blessings for your future and future decisions.
This makes a lot of sense. I hope that you’re happy no matter what!
Thank you so much for sharing! Your video is profound and inspiring, and shows a beautiful mind and your humanity. You will have the BEST in your LIFE! xoxo
Good video. Its good to spread awareness of detransitioning. People shouldnt feel pressured to COMMIT to anything. People change. Situations change. Good luck with your future!
2021 I hope you are happy and healthy either presenting as a male or as a female. You are loved and worth good things 🏳️🌈
Thank you for your time and making this video. It was amazing to hear about your experience.
I don't understand who would thumb this down. It is honest, and it is how things sometimes work out in real life. Sometimes people can change opinions on things, but it's OK. It's not for everyone. Sometimes people get rid of their body dysphoria, even though they might continue to feel transgender. This was a difficult journey, so thank you for shearing and giving insight into it
Damn I must say I really like the video's editing, t'was a good swiss "liminal spaces" compilation, it really hit me with lots of memories.
I'm glad I decided to watch your video as a trans girl. I was afraid it would make me self doubt a whole deal but on the contrary, it has given me hope. Hope that even if I do a mistake with my transition and all, it'll be part of my journey in the end and I won't regret it.
I really enjoyed watching this, the editing and filming is amazing! And the story is too. Btw, your voice is really nice too!
Thanks a lot! It's amazing to hear that :)
Hey Martin Rei, thanks for making this video. I love you.
your editing is absolutely amazing
Thanks a lot, I appreciate hearing that! :)
You're adorable! I'm glad you're happy.
you are a very intelligent person and I wish you happiness, either way, whether you transition again or not. Plus, you love cats and anybody who loves cats deserves the best. What is really profound and extremely true is when you narrated about realizing you don't have a coke in the house and just getting out of the house to buy a coke. Transsexuals who are not passable are really disabled and crippled since they just can't leave the house and buy a coke. They need to spend 3 hours doing hair, make up and clothes to get out of the house and buy a coke. That was very profound.
It's so sad that you were not able to go on HRT :( It helps so much with passing but also with feeling like yourself and less like a fake. From someone who is transitioning in her mid 30's, please do not forget that if you are trans, it never goes away. I have cut my hair short as well and was happy about fitting in for a while but it only delayed the inevitable. I understand that you seek stability and to escape the pain your were in. You can always transition later but do not underestimate the pain of regret. Before starting HRT I went to get some food dressed as me but unshaven. It was a challenge I did to see if I will be able to live as open trans. Because I knew I would need to not care what others think of me. I still fight with this sometimes (did I just pass or not?) but it is getting better. You are so brave for going to that job interview. You do not need to admire trans woman. You can do this as well if you work on your fears. I know, because I thought I would never have the strength to transition.
Those are kind words, thanks for the amazing support! You're totally right about it being inevitable if I'm trans. It definitely makes me curious wondering which direction I will take in the end. So far I've been doing quite well, and I will be making a follow up video on the detransition in a few months or a year to see how I feel about all of this and what route I will take. I'll keep your brave story in mind - Hope your transition is going well now! :)
Um seems like a great thing they didn't go on hormones
@@martinrei3213 Seems like a blessing in disguise that you didn't get the hormones and do irreversible damage. What did you mean that your girlfriend is Trans? Is she a guy that turned into a woman or a woman that turned into a man? All of this is very confusing and seems like a lot of trouble. You're perfect how you are. Love yourself.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Do not worry about how you present yourself to other people. I too have spent my life dealing with gender dysphoria. You’ll often go back and forth when deal with this. At age forty five years old I came down with a form of testicular cancer. Well it wasn’t just testicular cancer it was also ovarian cancer too. In other words I never fully sexually developed during the embryonic phase of gestation. In time I came to realize many of us who have to deal with dysphoria maybe didn’t sexually develop properly. Accept my body and brain failed to develop. Where the average transsexual has just brain development that isn’t the same as their body development.
Just be yourself, what ever you feel that self is.
" There is in every human being a hole in the heart the size of God". (Fiodor Dostoiévski)
Really interesting. Almost exactly what Anne Lawrence describes in ‘Becoming What We Love’.
Very well spoken, great video!!
It was a pleasure to watch and listen to your story. I wish you the best.
this video is so well done, more people should see it!
You are skilled in making videos! 😊 Greetings from Luzern!
The mood and imagery of this video is so relaxing
Your comment about not having to perform was very insightful. The transsexuLs I have met always demanded an audience and positive reaction. It was exhausting being with them.
Hi! Thanks for your story. I am not transgender at all but I've gone through/am going through similar things. It gets better though. But all this anxiety, taking time going out (just the idea of getting ready, shower etc.) it's crazy.
You know what, some people are just transvestites/crossdressers. One does not have to alter one's body to pull off long hair or shop in the female department.
I am not sure whether these people are in better (overall psychic) health and feel much less shame and anxiety, though. Maybe you could investigate Eastern philosophies who talk about feminine and masculine sides and healing (of those). Such things as Tantra etc.
And how to live a conscious and awaken life.
In the meantime, I would suggest you see a psychologist/therapist.
If you have depression (and anxiety), you need to get medical support.
This video kind of gave me some relief about transitioning. I want to transition because I feel very uncomfortable with how my body is but I was really anxious about what if it was the wrong decision. But I guess if it turns out not to be right it'll just be whatever. Cause I cant live like this forever lol it's the worsssssttttt
Eddy Cunningham you will detransition.
boys/men can wear thigh highs,make-up and all that, too.
If you had anxiety doing day to day things a "woman" then you were definitely not transgender. As a transgender man as soon as I even put on mens cologne it instantly relieves all of my anxiety :o I'm surprised you didnt detransition much earlier 😟
Thank you for this video, Martin. I will share it around when I get the opportunity to. I believe that people considering transitioning should see both sides of the coin, and not just the positive aspects. Moreover, I believe that no one should take any hormone therapy to transition because this causes many irreversible changes. Medical professionals should assess people with gender issues thoroughly and solve any other problems first. Gatekeeping is important and people should be aware of permanent changes before considering doing something so life-altering. Love yourself. Love body exactly the way it is. Never change
I had a very similar experience just on the opposite side. noone believes that i had real dysphoria at the time and i really went thought a rough time dealing with it
Thank you for sharing your story it makes me feel less alone
I'm so happy that you're finally happier
Thank you for sharing your story Martin. 💕
Beautiful video and storytelling
It's definitely a hard process and people need different things. Nothing you said actually made it sound like you didn't still feel like a girl. Just that the process was too strenuous and you had to take a break. However you feel and whatever you choose to do: it's all okay
I hope you are happy no matter what you decide to do.
Currently I think you are handsome and sensitively-aware, and I wish you the Best!!
Hey so I want to go over like how I transitioned everyone story is different, I think your main issue is that you socially transitioned before medically transitioning. I began medically transitioning however didn't socially transition, I began transitioning very young so my body was incredibly receptive to estrogen, I let estrogen do it's thing and I began moving towards just more andro clothing, first thing was a bought a denim jacket in a women's fit, didn't pass but it didn't matter because my clothing didn't signify I was trans.
Around 5 months I began getting like heavy breast growth and I then just began wearing women's cut shirt, I have incredibly slim waist, and large hips so around that time I began to pass my face is incredibly round and estrogen made it rounder but I had dysphoria from my trachea so I got surgery to remove it. I began wearing basic concealer just to contour certain parts of my face which made me look a million times better, it was subtle but it helped so much. I am planning for brow bone reduction eventually as it's the last section of facial dysphoria for me. I trained my voice, which took tens of hours but it was the final part that made me really just be able to exist, you pass easily when walking because no one really notices you specifically once you are engaged with someone every detail of yourself becomes obvious and in this situation training your voice is really important.
From there I finally ditched my masc sweatpants, for just women's jeans and when I did it when I went out I completely passed in them because I had worked my way up, I just looked like a very masculine women, when I was walking home from school some guy yelled "dyke" from his car on the side of the road, he clearly was a POS but I have never felt so validated by a slur. Wearing andro clothing also helped me, by also not drawing so much attention to me, which for me was good. From there I got laser on my legs, (I had already on my face) and put certain creams on it to make it look smoother and began wearing just jean shorts, and that is basically where I currently stand. I am planning SRS (penile inversion vaginoplasty), I have it all scheduled for next year, and I am just going to let my breasts grow in and maybe "in the future"TM get breast augmentation.
I became so attached to andro/masc clothing that I have never wanted to switch, I am fine with being read a masc presenting woman, like it's actually really cool.
There is no reason to not take it slow. It's hard, it's so hard to want to express yourself and not being fully able to yet. This experience was so painful for me, even if it was comparably easy for me compared to some other people. It was a gradual change in which I noticed my overall appearance and dysphoria slowly go away. Hormones take time, surgeries are expensive and painful but it's worth it in the end.
I want to close this, for no particular reason on how Lou Sullivan always ended his , because I love him
-Yours in liberation,
Thank you for this... Im detrasitioning after 4 years of being a boy and being 8 months on testosterone, but the worst part is that i changed my documents and i live in Mexico, so there's no way back... I've been feeling really depressed and im searching for other people with a similar story to feel identified...
I liked this honest story. Quite refreshing. On a side note, can you link the music you used? It was very entertaining as well.
Thanks :) I'm glad to hear you liked it!
Unfortunately I can't find all the music pieces, but here's the ones I have:
0:00 - Koyö - Stay
???
6:39 - SPZRKT & Sango - The Motive / Used To The Melody
7:10 - Tsundere Labs Inc - Tsundere Jazz
Definatly relate with the part about the pizza n drink!
Please do not give up your dream, if you still want to do it. You are still very young.
I detransitioned because that anxiety is not worth it!
A needed video. Thank you.
BUT DO YOU FEEL DYSPHORIC ABOUT YOUR BODY? Sometimes I feel like I can get comfortable and fill in my masculine features like slightly wider arms and I feel less anxious wearing something that makes me a bit more masc than usual but 9 times out of 10 I wish i had a more feminine body and it becomes so stressing and also guilt comes that I didn't start hormones when I realized because I would have been closer to what I wanted to look like....did you experience anything like that, how strong is your body dysphoria?
It goes without saying that there's a slight bit of gender dysphoria in every trans person. Personally, I felt the most dysphoric about my face - I detested my rather large jaw line and dominant nose, I planned on getting FFS asap. I did also struggle with my masculine _curves_ (barely any feminine hips) and chest. But I was quite patient and accepting about my body because the belief that I would get hormones someday kept me sane.
These days I set my priorities less on my appearance and more on a stable life, so I sort of accept my current state. My feelings on gender dysphoria do fluctuate a lot, so it's hard to tell how I'll feel about it in the future. But there's never any reason to feel guilty about what you describe. A lot of trans people have described to me, how they wish they had taken hormones years earlier. Leave the past in the past - Change happens now or in the future :)
This is really complex. Some people start to transition but realise later on, either for a time or for good, that it really isn't the right thing for them. Others grow into their true gender. Both are okay. There's no reason to doubt yourself or to question whether you're right or wrong. We never are, we're always becoming.
✨be happy✨
Everything you went through is all part of transitioning in a transphobic society (sadly).
It can often get better, but you have to give things time.
Having a rock solid plan, being realistic, and having support are all massively important.
Everything you're talking about in this video is exactly what I went through, but as I say, it gets better, and I feel sad that the situation seemed to put you off being yourself.
My transition was a very difficult nightmare (I got a lot of abuse, no work, and was made to feel like a freak), but over time things improved.
If you don't get hormones then you won't go through the physical changes which help you look more feminine to society, or most importantly, help you to get past the gender dysphoria so many people suffer from.
If transition wasn't right for you (as it isn't for some people) then that's totally cool, because many of these changes are permanent.
But if you are trans then I hope you can find a way back to being your true self.
I would recommend anyone considering transition to go see a specialised gender psychotherapist and talk through their issues with a professional who understands.
Basically: Its all about being authentic and finding your truth, so that you can live a life of peace no matter who/what you are.