I found a sister on Ancestry DNA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
- How do you tell a new sibling that their father was a career criminal who died in prison? This was a conversation that I had in 2019... Watch me ring in 2020 and offer practical advice on how to handle unexpected DNA matches with siblings.
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Good for you for telling her the truth. She deserves to know. Good for you and how much integrity you have.
As an adoptee, knowing the truth of my family background gave me great peace of mind. I really needed to know who I looked like. I am sorry that it caused you so much angst to share your father’s story. It is clear that you are a caring individual. I found generations of alcoholism on one side of my family and generations of molesters and violence combined with religious extremism on the other side. While shocking, I do not take these things personally and instead enjoyed looking into genealogy for the deeper stories that my families carry. We are all part of a greater link of DNA and a couple generations of bad behavior do not tell our whole story. I also discovered artist cousins who work in similar styles to myself. It I was definitely healing to hear the truth and know that I have escaped the family’s bad behavior.
I am so sorry about how your family treated you - That was heartbreaking to hear.
You are not your family - You are your own person. May God bless you . I hope you are happy in your life - You deserve it.
They should NEVER had told you anything about him at all...they didn't literally know how to raise you at all...!!!...You are so right, to drag yourself up by the bootstraps and shove on....you did so wonderful in your life...THANK GOD,and God bless you for the rest of your life...praise the Lord...
I’m on the opposite end of this. An ancestry test turned up a half sibling match. If she is my sister, this would have been before my parents were married. She has more to lose in this scenario so I’m going to let her call the shots. I’ll leave myself available for further contact but I’m not going to push her.
She may have been born of a criminal father, but she was blessed to have you as a thoughtful brother. We are all complex humans.
Being an adoptee myself and having some similar experiances myself I must say let go of who your father was. You have no onus to assume the sins of your father. If you have lived a good life and have found happiness then leave the past in the past. The purpose of history is to teach us not to repeat mistakes. Darkness touches every life and it is how you choose to deal with it that is the real test of character. You seem to have chosen to live in the light on a whole, good on you.
As for your sister I believe she will find more solace in the truth. I have found through personal experience that the turth no matter how rough it was brought far more peace to me than lies.
Good luck on your journey moving forward, always remember the past is set in stone and cannot be changed only learn from and the only thing all of us can do is be present in the moment. For the future is a veil and is not gauranteed and the end comes for all of us.
I am sad you've been through all this but as someone who had a very difficult childhood as well I am so happy to hear how well you are doing now.
I am adopted and was told I would be an awful person like my bio mom.
The shame is on them who inflicted this on us as children.
Great video!
PS I have the same blue and white dinnerware.
As an only child coming from a full family, don't you guys wonder that MOST found half siblings are NEARLY ALWAYS from the father's side!
I thought that was interesting when I found another sister I share a father with. It seems like siblings who share a mother are usually the ones who grow up together.
Yeah I just found one of my dad's half sister. My grandfather used to cheat on my grandmother numerous times when he owned a bar in like the 50's. Out of that cheating my aunt was born. I was actually excited to have found another aunt, but she unfortunately passed away of brain cancer in 2020.. My dad has another aunt that my grandmother had when she was very young.
I’m sorry for your loss, perhaps with you sister everything can get better forward on. And we all have skeletons somewhere
Thank you for your kind words. It is likely that I have other half siblings out there and if I ever find another one I have decided that I will no longer entertain in-depth discussions about my deceased father.
You have some heavy stuff to deal with. I'm sorry about that. Hopefully this process is helping you work through it and someday won't even think about it anymore. If you find another 1/2 sibling, I'd recommend you ask your 60 year old sister what she would advise. Perhaps you can pass it to her to contact the new sibling. Another option could be to just give him/her the name of your father. You could say you know he died in prison and that should give them.a clue. If they are curious they can research his name and records will come up. It doesn't have to be your responsibility to tell them everything. And be sure to tell them you are willing to talk about him if they are ever interested. That way they can come to you with questions if they have a desire to know more. Take care.
Thanks for your comment. I have given this a great deal of thought and have decided that if another siblings comes along I will *NOT* engage in conversation about my father. I will, however, direct them to a website or PDF with anything and everything they want to know about him. If they want to know me, I would be happy to share any and all details about *my* life but am not interested in discussing a parent who I have no real connection with.
My father died 7 years ago and my mother passed away almost 3 months ago. My sister and I were contacted last week by a woman who just got back the results of a DNA test that shows my father was her biological father. We’re all in a state of shock and my sister is going to take a DNA test to confirm what I think we already know in our hearts to be true. I was so close with my father and I can’t imagine how he kept this a secret, even when he knew he was dying. It doesn’t diminish my love for him, but it feels like such a betrayal to our family, but mostly to this woman who is now having to come to terms with the fact that her dad wasn’t her biological father and she’ll never have a chance to meet the man who was. It’s just surreal.
He probably didn’t know. I just found my half sibling and it’s a gift. We have to stop living in this fantasy of our childhood where our parents were like gods to us. They make mistakes. My dad didn’t know he had a son. He’s not understanding. The dna tests don’t lie. And the relationship with your siblings are more important. Now get a smile on your face and let’s find more of our family!
You could reach out by saying you have information that may be troubling. Give them the choice, but tell them you would like to get to know them with or without disclosing the information.
Nathaniel, I understand what you have been going through. I won't bog you down with my story but I did find a half brother and let's just say that he is like my father and after meeting him I haven't contacted him again. Genes are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. I too stay healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Life goes on!!
I also wanted to say that I believe that the horrible things our relatives do come from the devil himself and it gives him great pleasure to cause us pain and upend our lives by finding out about our close relative's evil deeds. so I refuse to talk about it anymore, I'm not giving the devil any pleasure in talking about his wickedness that he influenced my relatives or anyone else's relatives to engage in.
I hope you have been able to find peace and happiness free of your father's, mother's and anyone else's negative influences that have brought you pain. Take care Nathaniel!
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It definitely resonates... I do know that there are some people out there who intentional cause harm and inflict chaos and hurt to everyone they are close to. Whatever the source of this evil, I think you are right to not "give it power." In a sense, I really think these people "win" when we devote our thoughts to their evil.
It's not their anger that I object to - it's the performance. This is a performance. I like that I have managed to use this story to find common ground with others who have walked a similar path.
I think I am finding peace with all of this stuff. As I get older I find it easier to just let go of whatever I felt I needed from all of this.
I have a good life... everything I need and none of it was the result of my family.
I would not usually comment but but a friend of mine had a story that resembles yours. My friend was the one who was contacted by his half sister, he knew nothing of her or his father. My friend had a good life, wife, 2 kids was very happy, he was not close to his maternal family either. I went to his funeral earlier this year, 4 years after being contacted! It is NOT your responsibility to give out information about someone else' life regardless of what they may be to you. I am sorry if this seems harsh but I lost a good friend. I suggest that you give up on finding any other siblings, that you let this go, if you can't then get some proper help. Please don't ruin anyone else' life just to fulfil your own needs.
Your comment is not harsh, it is rude and highly presumptuous. It is not your responsibility to project your own story and baggage onto my life. There is simply no one-size-fits-all solution to the intricacies of post-adoption contact in adulthood. This result was a complete shock to both parties and I think we both did the best we could with the information we had at that time. Would I do it differently again? Absolutely. Were mistakes made? Sure. But nobody's life was ruined and while it's not my job to tell people about their parent I believe strongly that every adoptee has a right to know who their parents were.
Good heavens! your friend died FOUR YEARS after contact??? Finding out that you have siblings or half-siblings- or even that the person you thought was your father/mother/grandfather/grandmother was not your biological relative doesn't kill you! If your friend committed suicide, s/he deserves deep compassion, but there is no way at all you can blame the innocent relative who reached out to your friend.
So have you and your sister been communicating?
We exchanged a few emails but that's it. For me it's very important to respect her unspoken wish for no communication.
@@NathanielChristopher I understand, but trying to reach out to her once and awhile. Even if it's just for simple conversation,
@@djdixon6202 I think I will take your advice and fire off an email. Thanks for the suggestion. 🙂
From personal experience I can tell you of a situation even worse than what your father was (but do not feel I can write it publicly). I just want to say that it would be a great idea for you to put a LOT more emphasis on how fortunate you were NOT to grow up with your dad as a father figure, and celebrate the fact that you are nothing like him. It is hard when we come to a point in life where we have to realize and admit that NOT everyone is "good" -- even "deep down inside." I know it was hard for me. The fact that I grew up being told that everyone is "good" inside turned out to be to my detriment (although I do still naturally assume strangers are good unless there is something to make me feel or know otherwise). I do not believe I was put on this earth to judge, but discerning is VERY important. The truth is so important. The child of the person I am talking about is a sadder but wiser and happier person because I told him the truth, although I know it is something that is very disturbing to him. I am so sorry your mother's family was so cruel to you. Hopefully even so you are much more compassionate than they even knew how to be.
I and my mother are very much a like in our appearance but personally wise mom and I could not be more different. Our view on life, love and so many other things are exact opposite. Genes, upbringing and environment have alot to do with who you are but in the end it is your choices as to who you become that are important. Good, bad, mean, happy etc.. depend on which road you choose to go down and you seem happy with your path. Your father's path is his burden and not yours to carry.
Hope you new sister looks beyond the shadow of your father and has a relationship with you.
I am kind of thrilled that you found the things you found, but i thought it was rather sad that you sat there on your own at new years eve.
Thanks. What is sad to you might not be for me. At my age I'm grateful for a quiet evening at home by myself. I don't drink and I absolutely detest crowds so "celebrating" it as others do has no appeal to me. Additionally, I don't attach much significance to New Year's Eve. That being said, I have a rich social life. I am never lonely.
Has your sister read the files and has she contacted you again. I think you did the correct thing, letting her have a copy of your research and warning her, that you do not like the content, and that you expect that she will no longer want to get to know you. You are NOT your father, nor is she. You got 50% of your genes from your father and she got 50% of her genes from him. How much did both of you get from him? Only the 2 of you can find that out. Neither you nor she was in any way influenced by him. I want to recommend that you gat a copy of the book "Michaels handbook" I think reading and think about what is written in that book would help both of you and every other (half)sibling you have. I hope you will be able to connect to her before Easter 2021.
One thing I have felt through your experience, first tell your new sibling about you, let them see what a wonderful person you are, don’t tell them about your mother’s rotten family or your rotten father, share your hobbies, what you love to do, let them see you are a wonderful person. If they ask about him tell as little as possible. Tell about your nationalities, DNA. I am sure you caused your sister great pain and your pain in telling it. I have been meeting new cousins, I want to know about them not the criminal ancestors burried in some closet, I want to know where their families are from, where they live
I found out I had 2 half brothers and a sister...I was shocked my dad was not my dad
i’ve gone thru finding an unexpected sibling via dna testing. am wondering how things have gone with this half sister since u made this vid?
I feel I have to add to what I said, when you meet new brothers or sisters worship them, don’t think they are like him, they are good like you, what a wonderful close friend they could be, just remember how good you are, I wish you a good life, you are not your father’s son. There is a TH-cam er, Alex Archbold of Canada, Opportunity Inc (I have to recheck the name of his channel, his father was a Canadian singer who toured the States before he. Got married. Before he died he told his son he had a daughter he was trying to find, Alex did the DNA, found his sister, they have a warm relationship even though she lives in the US, now he has found a brother he had no knowledge of, he lives near their sister he didn’t know he had, in a week Alex is going to meet him, they have many things in common, I’m sure he will video that too, you have to see his gorgeous house and 8 car garage, well it’s a 6 car garage that holds 8. Nathaniel just remember you are a good person, God loves you
Possibly not being in your life was the kindest thing he was able to do for you. You do not acknowledge the dysfunctional life he dealt with...when society was much more judgmental and there were fewer opportunities. You regret his choices and consequences. I have to think that he also regrets the toxic paths he took along the way. Maybe to feel some compassion for him you could focus on who he was prior to his life of crime...or who he might be if he could reform and reinvent his life. (Your mother must have liked something about him...) Though you cannot say a good word for him as yet-the man brought you to life...and your choices have been wiser than his...so I am sure he would be glad for you turning out so well...and deeply thankful that you did not follow his questionable example.
I agree with your first sentence and little else.
You are speaking about an individual and situation that you know very little about it.
Firstly, you speak about this individual in the present tense when, in fact, he has actually been dead for over 16 years.
How I relate to a deceased parent that I never knew is informed by my own life experiences and knowledge and it is not for you tell me how I should feel or relate to any of that.
Please do not project your own values, experiences or biases onto my life story or that of my deceased parent.
@@NathanielChristopher you are right of course. I made comments based on a miniscule amount of information which I had no business doing. Still I hope you are able to heal. Best wishes.
@@mompofelski4191 Thank you.
I am so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds like your father was horrible and your maternal grandparents took out their dislike/hate of him on you. Remember you are not any of them. DNA does not define you and that goes for your siblings too. I think you did exactly right with your half-sister. You told her he was not a good person and then let her read for herself. Don't stress about that. You did not make him what he was. I think you feel that way because of your grandparents. It sounds like she had very good adoptive parents and I imagine she handled the news better than you think. I found skeletons in my ancestry closet too researching DNA. I had a 2nd great grandfather, married 5 times and it looks like there were suspicions he murdered 3 of his wives including my ancestress. He actually changed his name after her death, so it sounds like to me he was on the run after she died. Her parents did not like him either and it seems even though my great grandfather ran away from his father after his mother's death (he was 14) they wanted nothing to do with him and he was on his own from age 14. Anyway, I feel sad for her and the other women, plus how my great grandfather was treated, but I am not ashamed to tell anyone. You don't be either.
Thank you. That took courage.
My hope for you is to put this burden down. You have chosen to create a good life. Your biological father did not. Your family putting the burden on you was unfair. I hope sincerely that you can be free. If you never want to contact anyone on the registry again. You can make that choice. Go in peace!
Your father is like my grandfather.
I searched for stuff like this because I just found out I may have a half brother. Most likely do. I hope everything works out for you
Thank you! Everything has worked out fine for me. I hope you find your brother.
So after 14 years and counting I just found out that my brother is actually my half-brother although I always knew that we have the same mom but two different dad I never really thought about it until I just so happen to be watching a TV show and then it was revealed that they were half-brother half-sister and I had the same situation going on when I was growing up and I just found out that my brother is my half-brother
Could be a double cousin.
No, she is definitely my sister. Her date and place of birth corresponds exactly to my father's whereabouts at the time. Additionally, the information that her biological father gave to the adoption agency matches the narrative he was using in the late '50s and early '60s.
I ran out of color 😞
That's because you're spelling it wrong. :)
@@NathanielChristopher I was half sleep typing. Idk what I’m even referring too.
@@NathanielChristopher ok I remember now. I was referring to the grouping tab.
salad fingers