Hey folks - Dr. K’s Healthy Gamer Coaching is a cutting-edge program tailored for the unique mental health needs of the internet generation. It can help with issues like lack of motivation, excessive procrastination, missing life purpose, repairing/building relationships, and more! Sessions start at just $30. You can learn more here: bit.ly/3FDSSDm
I am 25, friendless and I have no girlfriend, but I have a good job and most of time my only social interaction out of work is with family members. I am an IT Worker. the 40-hour work week I now realize eats a humongous percentage of my life. Life would be better if we had fulltime at 30 hours instead of 40. More opportunies to meet people would also be great.
This video made me realize that my parents not only didn't teach me how to maintain relationships, but emphasized *not* needing them. I constantly remember hearing "You have the rest of your life to make friends" from my mother and her constantly pushing me to focus less on friends and more on education/career/moving out, even too the point of homeschooling me in a super rural area. Now that I have done that (I have a job, my own apartment, im starting a career) I'm in the "rest of your life" stage and all I know how to do is work and be by myself, I've realized that socializing to me is a terrifying unknown and it has only gotten worse the longer I haven't done it.
I have trouble approaching women because i was taught by a misogynist father to never trust women. He thinks men have inherent dominance over women and should behave that way. He’s absolutely wrong ofc but a young impressionable male believes anything they’re told, and I only learned how wrong it was after making a fool out of myself by behaving in that manner in front of women. Thanks dad for giving me the worst advice imaginable and ruining my chances at having a gf.
It's a great start that you have accepted this. Now as he is saying in the video, start with what you can do, but is also a little challenging. Something like chatting a few more words with the cashier or messaging people on discord. Also great is getting a regular hobbie with other people.
@linus maybe see if you can get into recreational sports? You'll have to present it in a way that shows the benefits, but it's a good way to get interaction from people your age
I feel like the worst part is when you ask other people for help: "How do I meet new friends?" "What do you mean, you just go out and talk to people, duh." "How do I try and get a girlfriend?" "What do you mean, just ask them if they wanna get it on." All from the other person's perspective of "Well, I do just fine. Why don't you just do what I do?" Says the person with +10 in charisma and looks. Introversion and emotional intelligence are not celebrated features in today's world and it really sucks, especially for men.
Being in your mid 20’s in this era is so lonely, its like once you got out of college its nothing else to life than finding a soulmate, having children, and work to death. Friends only comes and goes.
@Manley156 I only said what i've experienced personally, people can only agree or disagree, if it seems like a confirmation bias to you then maybe you're just trying to not make it seem too bad of a situation than it actually is, which is fine.
@@Lil.Lon3Ly His calling it a confirmation bias could be his own confirmation bias, and that in turn could be my confirmation bias talking about how his confirmation bias is calling out your confirmation bias If this comment seems unhelpful, I was trying to illustrate how unhelpful "muh confirmation bias" is as a response to somebody's personal fucking experience. Basically saying someone's personal experience is subjective and not omniscient is useless to point out. Who the fuck doesn't know that by now? Ope, there goes my confirmation bias again!
For me it's an utter failure to properly reciprocate socially. I have opportunities to chat with people, the occasional girl who smiles at me, hobbies / a career that puts me in contact with people and yet I have an utter inability to reciprocate socially unless I know them pretty well. Even then it's more surface level because I'm afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve after growing up feeling like I'm weird and boring. Sure, maybe there was no inciting incident but it feels like more of a death by a thousand papercuts situation that resulted in me having almost zero self worth.
It is terrifying how real what you say is, word by word. It's like an invisible wall, impenetrable, unbreakable, always there, between you and everybody else. It's like you're inhabiting a human body, Bot there's not a person behind, only a pilot, something that can analyse but lacks any trace of genuinity. On a bright side, you have a career, you were capable of studying and becoming a functional member of society. You will at the very least not die in poverty. You don't know how much I envy that.
@@franacha this invisible wall you describing is what i was feeling these past years until i discovered something about myself, i dont really like socializing on a surface level with people and small talks, i also hyper analyze every situation and somewhat logical about everything so i started to build my life around it and found people who like to be deep about anything just like me and now i kinda feel better. I still have to tolerate other human being and kinda fake my intreractions with them but i have my safe zone where i can charge my introvert battery
My summary notes (Reads best on desktop) --------------------------------- 1. Failure to Launch 1.1 - When they were young many loners had all the momentum. But as time passed on, a divergent gap begins to emerge 1.2 - People who don't have any singular traumatic event, "nobody but themselves to blame" (its a systemic issue tho dont't blame yourself). 1.3 - Every year that goes by , it gets a little bit worse. It gets replaced from a loner to loser. 1.4 - You think its your fault and also take the blame from the systemic side too and responsibility for things out of your control. All you can do is lose in this state. 2. The Forces at play 2.1 - How did you learn to make friends as a kid? Did your parents help you pick out gifts and birthday cards? (learning the rules of social reciprocity basically). Parents do A LOT of work. Adjusted kids have support. Dr.K gives example on a grade 5 fight where a parent intervened and calmed things down. 2.2 - The Internet, a new force that was not around before. The world was a lot smaller before fractured communities. Result: Bunch of people not taught how to maintain social relations. Parents didn't have to learn this because society was different then. 2.3 - Dr. K conceptualizes it as a person's karma. The confluence of events that led up to your current state of affairs. A BUNCH of factors. 2.4 - Think about what you were really taught... 2.5 - There is no such thing as a loser when you conceptualize it this way. 3. What can I do? 3.1 - Don't blame yourself 3.2 - What are you responsible for? Mind Trick: Your mind will start thinking in shoulds , its not what you should do. It's what CAN you do. "Should" makes you feel worse when you progress. Just focusing on the stuff you failed to do is demotivating. What can you do TODAY? If you can't do anything - that's okay too. Can you send a text? Can you send a discord? Start building up your small wins. 3.3 - Your mind will have all kinds of judgements, but let them come. One step at a time. This is THE scientific process of how its done and how therapists can make someone walk again. Stay in the present. Stop always living in the future. 3.4 - It doesn't always have to be action at the start, it can also be learning (but don't use this a crutch tbh - personal opinion, not from Dr.K's video) 3.5 - Check out the Discord Sandbox on healthygamer discord to practice socializing. With focused intention. 3.6 - It just requires focused practice + guidance. 3.7 - Don't give up, just do it differently. (paraphrased edison quote from me -- I discovered 9999 ways not to build a lightbulb, ie - it just needs to click once and keep trying till it does) 4. What happens in a social scenario? 4.1 - You spend all your time on your phone for example and you eventually train your brain this environment sucks. So when you enter the new environment - surge of emotions comes up. Makes it feel like you only have two choices - Suffer or Give Up. 4.2 - Let those emotions come out with therapy, meditation, walks, other positive activities. It's a necessary step to healing. CHATTER QUESTIONS //////////////////////////////// 5. Dr.K answers chatters question/parenting course (about halfway through environment section). Not fully relevant to topic at hand so I'm not gonna write that out. 6. Is being a 25yo Loner ok? Yes its okay AND you should do something about it. 7. What happens if nobody responds? Completely irrelevant. Stop accepting responsibility for the behavior of another. Let's move on. Does not matter at all. 8. It just takes commitment -- 99% right. But there is no such thing as commitment, its just today (hinting at staying in the present moment). 9. Improving social skills w/ clinical social anxiety? - Get treatment , you have to start here. But its not a substitute for 10y of atrophied social skills. You might need actual rehab. 10. What if you feel you have nothing to say? - Watch interviews from Dr.K , you'll notice he doesn't say much in the first 30 mins. You can just ASK others and be willing to listen. Use it as an opportunity to learn from others too (possibly). 11. Too late to socialize at 31? It's never too late. It will be rough/feel outta place - but its never too late. It's just a feeling, not a truth. And that's a wrap. Hopefully this helped someone out.
When I was 25 I felt like a loser so I made an effort to make friends and keep in contact. I got a wide social circle and was busy every weekend visiting different people which went on for like 5 years. I hit a bad wave of depression and I just wanted a friend to visit me so I wasn't alone, even a future date would give me something to look forward to. I called 30 people I considered my friends and they all had the same answer, "You can visit me but I won't visit you." One person agreed to visit me and that's the only thing that kept me from killing myself that night. At least I know I won't need a large funeral now.
I think the problem with that situation is that you were seeking friendships just so that you wouldn't feel alone rather than forming those friendships naturally and keeping them because you actually found value in them. Maybe there was an element of desperation to prove to others or to reassure yourself that you weren't alone and that you have worth but the problem there is that a lot of people will end up just using you because you're there for them whether they care for you or not and it becomes a toxic relation where you're doing your best just hoping they give back without realizing that maybe they don't value you or they're just looking to use you or they see the desperation and don't respect that, etc. There's a lot of shitty people out there that, even when you do everything for them, they only know how to take without giving anything back and they don't care to change or think they're doing something wrong or that you deserve better. Friendships, true friendships, like any healthy relationship, is give and take. Don't expose yourself to harm in doing everything for someone who doesn't appreciate or does anything for you, you deserve love and kindness in return. Now, I only know what you said here, maybe 1/2 of those friends just didn't have the time or were frustrated with something in their lives and they didn't support you in the best way when you needed it most without meaning it. I obviously can't say but I'd like to just leave that idea here in case someone else did care but didn't show it correctly though, of course, you're the one who will be able to determine that and if it is indeed the case they didn't care then move on and focus on more important things. It sucks that you went through that but on the positive side, you found out about at least 1 good friend and it's impressive that despite feeling the way you were feeling you still took action in making that many friendships to deal with your emotional turmoils. They weren't good friends but that speaks to your attitude in dealing with problems and shows that you're quite capable of socializing, you just need to be more judgmental in the friends you make and focus more in quality over quantity but I'm sure you'll get through this! Best of luck and don't give up! ❤💪
@@ITBahren Honestly it was more to see if I could find happiness in it because others do. I'm an introvert and it wasn't worth it. I had only 4 I considered best friends that I had prior, and the fact others didn't help was what hurt the most. Even worse I was honest with them and said I was in a major depressive episode, and wanted someone to visit me and give me a hug in the next month or so because they would really cheer me up. I'll admit the majority of the others were more shallow but I expected statistically someone has to be available to hang out with that many.
@blackkittycat15 Oh, my bad, I think I misread "loser" as "loner", probably because that's what the video is about 😅 sorry for not having understood what you said quite right though it kind of feels similar still, but, at the end of the day, we're all just trying to be happy really, that's what matters most. I can relate to feeling like you need to be extroverted to be accepted or to fit in or to truly be happy or whatever since a lot of society is extroverted too. As such, they will pressure you to be the same or you yourself will feel out of place but, the only way you'll achieve happiness is being true to yourself. There's nothing wrong with being introverted or having a small number of friends, as long as they're true friends and you're happy that's all that matters and to be honest, I don't think it's ever a good thing to have a huge amount of friends, extroverted or not, there's only so much time you have for each person, you need time too for reflection, rest, personal development, etc., when you're having to divide time over that many people it's just inevitable that most of those "friendships", if not all sometimes, will suck, and in not having time for you, you stop valuing yourself which will also result in worse friendships and feeling more negative emotions overall. Also, 4 best friends already feels like more than enough for me, I have 2 best friends and I'd be happy having just 1 of either of them. They care for me, they challenge me, they're there when I need them and I can show my vulnerabilities to them without judgement. Having 1 person like that in your life is already gift enough, I don't need more friends beyond that but if more come along I'm happy to have them of course, so long as they deserve to be called friends, i.e. they respect and care for me It sucks they left you like that, those aren't friends, especially considering you were ok for them to visit you within a whole month.. Hopefully you're doing better now but if not and you need someone to talk to about it you can tell me if you feel comfortable. I know I'm a stranger and this may not mean much but I'm sending a virtual hug your way 🫂
@@blackkittycat15 I meant to reply sooner but life got in the way for a sec. I'm happy to know I could make a difference ^^ I get how it feels sometimes like the whole world is against you, I myself don't like people (generally speaking) so I've been through that struggle quite a bit (in the past but even now as well) but there are good people in the world, I promise, and when it doesn't seem that way, there's something I like to focus on, I try to be the best that I can be, if for nothing else, to prove to myself that there are indeed good people in the world. As long as I go on doing my best to be a good person I know it's not impossible for other people to do the same, even if that's a minority. I can live a little more happy knowing the world I inhabit isn't devoid of kindness or integrity or any of the things that makes anyone a good person. That is not to say I'm perfect, I certainly made mistakes and I'm always open to criticism and finding flaws in myself but regardless, that's what I try to aim for, no matter how much I fail along the way, and now I have very good friends with me that reassure me that I was right all along to think this way and that's what matters most in the end. You're welcome ^^
25 is about the age when I realized just sitting around and waiting for social opportunities to come my way was no longer working. Your social life (especially as an aging man) is your responsibility.
took me till 27 to realize this. How can I be sad about other people not reaching out to me when I never reach out to people. I gotta change my own perspective before I expect others to start inviting me to things or start talking to me. There's so many people like me who feel lonely and nobody is messaging them/inviting them, sometimes YOU gotta be that person.
@@koolkat123 I agree and I think it is also important to find some kind of balance of reaching out between you and friends once you have somehow consistent contact, because it is a two way street and the last thing you want to do is to "carry" the relationship when you are the only one making the effort, only to be left disappointed again
My responsibility sure but it's never a guaranteed outcome. Try to make friends since leaving the army in 2018 but nothing ever lasts more than a week because either people don't want to put in effort or us grown folks just have too many issues to make time for friends.
"Have your parents sat you down to say you seem kind of lonely" Yeah, in their own way, which sounds to the outside observer as "you need to get a job and find a girlfriend is this really what you've chosen for yourself"
I've been thinking lately, that a lot of older folks generally have advice like "just do the thing". Just get a job, just get a girlfriend, just make friends and connections, and so on. I think anyone is guilty of it - taking for granted the situations and circumstance that people have to be in to be successful at these things - but there's another layer here. As far as generations go, there's some things that come very easy to our parents, like finding a job, buying a house, raising a family, and so on. There's a lot of institutional barriers to the coming generations for this for sure, and it comes with a lot of added complexity. As an example, many older folks could get pretty much any job and use it to pay for college or buy a house and car. These days, many people have to hold multiple jobs just to survive, and you can forget about owning a home or starting a family unless your household income clears six figures. Meanwhile, wages stagnate and the price of everything is just through the roof. How can anyone even try to make friends when they're so anxious about how they're paying the next month's rent?
This. My parents were like “look at you, you’re a fucking loner, if you don’t fix this you’ll be alone forever” How do they know this? Because they didn’t interact as kids and now they have no friends. Now they’ve told me their life experience and are all proud of themselves. Except they have no idea how to make friends and now every year they get to say “I told you so”
boomers really have it easy when it comes to generational gaps. they never have to deal with the conflict of values caused due to technological progression
“there is no such thing as friends in this world, they don’t exist”. That sentence is one of my earliest memories and one of the only things I remember my father drilling into my head throughout my childhood. I don’t know how to maintain friendships, let alone a romantic relationship. I feel like I’m rebuilding myself from scratch and it’s exhausting, no guidance, no love. In a way these videos help me build myself into the type of person I want to be.
I resonate with this. Even in death my father stands proven wrong. When the supposed "caretaker" of my life left me without anything but the grace of my mother and the advice that "no one will help you in this world especially 'friends'" It was my best friend since primary school who supported me mentally and financially when I had no direction in life or any place to belong to. Granted he is more affluent than the next guy but he did it nonetheless and never stopped doing so for more than 10years now even tho I can take care of my own and even tho I am faulty for not maintaining one of the most important relationships of my life. I learn from him everyday, how to and how not to treat people. He inspires me to become greater than myself and relies on me whenever he has the chance to. He is far from a good person but the guy has welcomed me with a big hug after I have not said a word to him in 7years to this day I don’t know how he could find it in his heart to do that. My father always doubted our friendship and told me how it will crumble once money and problems are involved. I won’t curse the dead but after all this time and trouble I caused for my friend, my father would deserve it for insulting my brother like that. Without being dramatic, my brother has probably done more for me than my dad ever did or I ever did for any of them. And my Brother did all that while setting me on equal footing with himself in stark contrast to my father. Even though he was in a 100% leverage position just like my father was. Here you can see how two different people look at and handle a situation differently. Edit: God bless his soul and let his family prosper! R.I.P Daddy, sorry to say but you were not it you tried tho.
@@Musikmaker658 Damn bro I get where you’re coming from. I’m glad you have two men like that in your life. Makes me happy that you have the self awareness to realize your shortcomings but based on the fact that you’re watching this video and sharing your thoughts, it sounds like you’re trying to better yourself and become a better man. The fact that you’re learning from these two people in your life also shows your maturity and desire to grow. We will sculpt ourselves and be the men we envision ourselves to be sooner rather than later. Your story was encouraging thank you for sharing. Wish you the best on your journey.
People with such self-serving views often like to pass the pain forward, until that pain collapses on top of someone else. They made the system do the caring of others for themselves while often taking credit for the help. And then they kept making lies to convince us that this is how the world is. There is no line that could summarize my feeling of betrayal, the grief that grasped and burdened my life for as far as I remember... _No matter how tender, how exquisite, a lie will remain a lie!_
I feel you. My parent have no friends and only talk to each other, like they dont really talk to other relatives. When i was sad for having no friends in middle school they just told me it is fine, cause “you see, we dont have friends and we’re fine!”
Beautiful stuff from ancient philosophies, but the world is changing for sure and making things quite difficult. We need to engineer social solutions in tandem with building awareness.
@@Riorozen it's true tho. the reason why people are miserable is mostly tied with their environment. and yes we SHOULD actively strive to create a better and more suitable world for ourselves. social reforms and programs change many peoples lives.
@@travisbickle3835uh no what we need is a good therapist free for everyone..literally everyone needs someone to deeply talk to that will listen and is neutral. Someone that needs help with most their problems and realised who they are and what they want. Most people don't actively think everyday in their kind about their purpose or even themselves. Many doors are left shut in and you don't even realize it until it's too late. What we need is mental health taken seriously. many people don't get therapy because of ego issues or believe they "aren't sick" in the head when therapy isn't that. People with purpose and ambitions will hardly fail in life. And when they do accomplish their dreams they have a high chance of joy
Your a loner cu you don't have your life together if you had a good job plenty of money a nice car and house and a good hobby you'd have no problems finding friends people would naturally gravitate to your happiness and success. Focus on you and becoming the best version of you that you can be it's starts inside stop looking for excuses and look internally
I swear Doctor K is the demon/monster/shadow thing in my sleep paralysis watching me at night and the next day makes a video about what I was dreaming/overthrowing about at night.
Same, except it's because I procrastinate on replying to texts bc anxiety, then I convince myself that they're tired of me and my inconsistent replies, so I just disappear for good 🙃
I'm almost 28 and it does gradually slip away from you the way he explains. Alot of it, there's nothing you can do to stop it. In my early 20s I was able to keep up with most of my high-school friends. Then one left the state, and another. Then for me it was myocarditis at 23, requiring a heart transplant a year later. In that time 2 more friends left the area, another one died from cancer. Before you know it, half of them are gone, the rest of them got involved with girls, had kids, now they work 2 jobs trying to stay afloat and a re so busy that you can never get them out to hang out with. I'm a runner and biker and it's pretty bad when you go out for a ride on a well known trail on a sunny day and there's nobody out there but old couples that are 40 years your senior. I work in a foundry with 200 other people, alot of them under 30 and I get along well with almost all of them. But for some reason they just don't become anything like the friends you had from childhood, you never get to that level of trust with them. The generation coming g up will be worse, there's a 19 year old I was training and his social life is basically where mine is, but he got there 9 years sooner. Do your best to keep your friends, but don't be surprised when it ends.
Re: social skills - my parents never taught me anything on making friends. Since I was precociously intelligent I guess they assumed I would just figure it out. I eventually did, but not til my late 20s. But looking back I realize, they didn't have a lot of friends themselves. In fact, they didn't even really like a lot of people, not even family. I was never given these skills, _because they did not have the skills either._
Your comment hit the nail on the head for me. My parents are both fairly introverted people. They have a few friends, but not many. They don't go out to socialize or hang out with people, and 5-7 days a week stay indoors after work. For me, I always wondered why I found it so difficult to make friends, but it's starting to make sense now.
same for me, i thought all "older" ppl were the same, like my parents, just working and then staying home doing absolutely nothing of course i didnt have many friends or anything outside school, they have no one too, my school friends also made friendships with sons of ALL their parents friends, they did stuff since they were kids etc, all I could do is stay home with my parents cuz they re the older version of the 25 yr old loner, and never managed to get out of it
This! It's so weird because at least one grandparent on either side was well adjusted. I'm happy to say that I'm learning to appreciate social situations (especially thanks too the pandemic), but the more I learn the more I see how isolated my parents are and it makes me feel really bad for them :-( I hope they _live_ more once they retire
This is it. Once I get a job after graduating I will try to get help or start trying to "learn to swim alone". The exact same situation as you describe. They dont even see anything wrong with it, yet every day Im more aware of their strange take on social interacctions and behaviours, clearly things I dont want to pick up. I see I have inherited other flaws from them, and Im trying to fix them but it is still very awkward to speak to people at uni, I dont think I can graduate and focus my attention on socialicing at the same time without breaking so i guess I will take small steps until fgraduation then focuus on that while finding a job and moving out asap, so I can start building my own life and social circles.
I don't know if I'm just projecting my own difficulties with people, but I feel like to an extent EVERYONE is afraid of each other these days. I noticed it more after I started going to a gym, absolutely no one wants to interact with each other! I'm not even talking in the sense of people worried about relationship stuff or anything, it's like we're ALL afraid that everyone's judging us specifically, so everyone's all standoff-ish, but as a result we're all afraid of these people who just look glum and won't say anything.
I've thunk the same and it was already happening before covid. Most people seem very closed off. Just look at video footage from 30-100 years ago of people interacting with each other, its way different vibes.
It's the smartphone problem. Everybody has a camera and social media. You don't want to risk doing anything that could even be perceived as wrong out of context or else you could go viral. That fear of shame has the current generation crippled, exacerbated by the excessive shame which lots of people seem to have gotten from their families nowadays. There's so much internalized toxicity nowadays, and I'm glad people like Dr K are helping heal it.
Yeah, Im not keen on listening to bragging of dudebros at the gym who tell me that "the day will come when you yaddayaddayadda...". or who make fun of me until I snap and end up in jail. Same with women. I dont want a woman as a band aid to fix my life. Hell, they want a successful guy who has his shit together; and Im not gonna let the world and its stupid ideals and hopes fuck me over again just to please some naive, oversocial society-girls. Id rather be called a loser.
@@menschgebliebenergossenpar9213 see that's the thing, I worry that every interaction might end up that way, so I never interact with people and there's no possibility of actually making a good connection, and I think literally everyone has that same fear
Facts facts facts facts facts facts facts, get 20 people in a room and most will be insecure in some way or another, some can hide it very well, others not so much, but give everyone a beer and the veil starts to lift, authenticity starts to leak out I really don't condone using any substance as a tool to overcome mental battles but, imo, this just shows the majority of people do have a safeguard up in some way or another
There's a significant chunk of social experience missing from my life. i was overweight and socially awkward for almost my entire teen years and thus never went to parties, never had an interest in girls, never had a gf, never got into trouble and only hung out with other 'outcasts'. It feels like there's been too much damage done and it feels impossible to fix now
Just try anyway. I know you don’t want to hear that because I don’t want to hear itr but it’s all we can do. Look you’re here so you are on the right path
its absolutely not impossible. i understand where you're coming from and relate, however, you have to understand that you are responsible for 50% of the things that happen in your life, the things that are in your control. so take control, work on yourself, but more importantly, understand that you will get everything you want and need, as long as you believe in yourself and make an effort. i did that, and it changed my life. not giving into doomer beliefs and making an effort and caring is legit the best thing you will ever do.
The stroke patients part really got to me. I am a 25 yo loner at this point, and in the past I've had a massive trauma - I broke my back and legs and basically my entire lower body. I couldn't even sit for months. And guess what I did? I started to slowly try. I cried in pain after every "training" session, I cried in misery and hopelessness every time I failed to sit or stand or walk. I thought to myself, every day, that I should've been dead and I will never be a normal person again. But after a year, I could walk on my own legs without any support. Now, 3 years later, I'm fully back in form. Sure, I still have back pains, and I'm not stretchy in places, but the distance I went, the amount of work I was able to do is amazing. Thank you for reminding me that I'm stronger than I think
This is the type of good shit that motivates people like y'all (don't really relate but I do understand) to realise that there's so much more to life than the pattern of success.
Takeaways: → Most people are not taught social skills. → There is no such thing as a loser, its only a product of circumstances. → It’s not your fault that your here but its your responsibility do something. → Blame yourself for some of it not all of it. → Responsibility is what you can do and not what you should do. → Be aware of the demotivation from the people around you. → Learn to process your negative emotions in a safe way. → Treatment of parent’s anxiety can help child’s problems. → You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior but there can be a learning there. → Commitment is what you can do today?
Socializing is overrated. You feel more pain around people than being alone. I'm honestly used to being by myself, I still feel pain, but it's better than an human being stabbing you behind the back.
Literally had a dream last night where I was surrounded by friends and having a great time. Then I woke and felt extremely sad, like it hit like a truck. Thank you Doctor K for your videos that always seem to come at the right time!
We must have had the same dream. My dream last night was exactly like this. Although I have "friends" I don't consider them real friends because I know inside that they don't really respect me, but they still invite me to parties so at least I get to talk to people.
@@saedt I’m doing fine, but man that felt like a huge wake up call. It’s like my subconscious decided that subtle hints weren’t working. So it suckered punch me instead!
Honestly, i just gave up since i used to put in all the work but never ever really got anything out of it. Only when i let myself be the butt of the joke people seem to like me and i'm done with that. I feel lonelier with other people around. The constant repeating conversations just tire me out.
This is literally me. The parenting thing is so true. I would not even consider my parents to be my parents. My father and mother sure, but besides that they were more financial benefactors. I think I've had like 3 conversations with my dad my whole life and my mother went from the most absent to the most obnoxious person ever. Our dog probably new all of us better than we did each other.
this is so me. not only do i not talk to my parent's but i also cant stand them. they gave me a decent life but i rather open up to a Stanger than them
Same man. My parents aren't even bad people by any means and I had a good childhood. Now they just feel like familiar strangers if that makes any sense.
Hearing that you had a rough time through college and after and started med school at 28 was actually so comforting. I'm in the same position, finally getting into school for my career at 28 years old. Seeing someone I really look up to like you having a later start than others and going through it is so reassuring. All your videos have helped me so much.
I’m happy I am not alone in attending college later. Society has somehow always thought 18 was the right age to start college but this isn’t the case for many people.
Careful watching things like this and finding it comforting or motivating. Ask yourself if there's any way that YOU could graduate from undergrad with a 2.4GPA, somehow manage to have a practice with actual clients despite that, then somehow get into Harvard. Based on my life's difficulty setting and my luck, there's not a chance in hell any of that would happen. So, if luck is on your side and things tend to go well for you, by all means see this as motivating. If not, it will likely just give you false hope and make you feel worse in the long run. Not trying to be a downer, just a realist.
I used to be a decent student, 70s 80s. There is this one time i got 97 and i showed it to my dad, i was lectured for 2 hours about how he once got 105 and left me with no complement or even a 'good'. Ever since that day, i'm just a pass student. Until today and i'm one of the walking example of this 25 year old loner. Not only that, i got no motivation to fix it at all. It is what it is, as long as i have money, our modern technology is good enough for people to live alone for the rest of their life. For me, it doesn't matter if it collapse or worse anymore.
Shit, same here. I’d be an A or high B student in elementary but my mom would always compare me to other students in my class that would get higher grades. I got a perfect on a test once and knew my mom couldn’t refute that until she said that they probably got bonus marks from somewhere. My motivation left me quickly afterwards.
@@ramirolucchesi8096 just my 2 cents: Dr.K’s videos are interesting and his voice is nice to just listen to in the background. Plus, people seek out videos like this for confirmation bias all the time
@@ramirolucchesi8096 videos are entertainment. People need to realize that you're not gonna fix your life by watching TH-cam videos. Sometimes it just is what it is.
Sounds like you’re just blaming your dad for your own failures but whatever let’s you sleep through the night, bud. If your dad not complimenting you one time caused you this much despair, then you were a loser long before he had anything to do with it.
Thank you to the editors for not editing out every pause while Dr. K speaks. I really appreciate the change back, it's a lot easier to listen to Dr. K like this with his natural pauses
Editing out natural pauses is a symptom of today's ADHD culture where everybody's attention spans are shortened with high-speed personally targeted short-form content to the point that some of them really get ADHD symptoms and are given amphetamines by their doctors for it.
"Have your parents sat you down to say you seem kind of lonely". Some parents secretly like that `failure to launch` makes you more codependent and gives them more power over you. They'll piss and moan about you not having your act straight but the worst thing you can do to them is actually get your life right and leave them without a punching bag.
oof that's real in my case. It's a power dynamic thing. If you have no confidence in yourself and consequently can't do things for yourself, then you have no choice but to be a people pleaser to them. Start standing up for yourself and doing things your way, and they want to tear you down because how will they feel powerful now? It's the same dynamic as karens to service workers; gotta be derogatory to people who have no choice but to bend over backwards for them to get that kick of feeling powerful
100% this. That’s how my parents are. Along with abuse, manipulation, and actively stifling my ability to live on my own. They slipped up once and said that they wanted me to take care of them Until they die. Not caring about what happens to me, only themselves. I now have moved to a different state and do not talk to them. Not there emotional punching bag anymore. It’s time to build up my self esteem, my confidence, my credit. Everything.
Oooooh excuse me for the long read LOL, bibles ftw I can relate, but idk if they manipulated me. My mom uses my dad, he is a people pleaser who lives with my mom now because my mom has cancer and a lung dissease. She cant do anything but lay in bed. My dads life gone away, especially now. My mother is afraid to be alone now cuz panic attacks, and my dad can only go to work. He doesnt go to friends because else my mom is alone for too long. Sometimes he asks me if i would go to my mom so he can go to his friends for once. When he is at my place, he goes after 15 mins because my mom is alone etc. Even is sometimes afriad to go outdoors only when he has to do something thats needed to be done. Whenever he asks me to go to my mom, we get a argument that i dont want to do this because i think its not right. And i have my own life. And i am like your doing this now for a whole year? He was like nobody helps me, and im like well, its your choice to do that you couldve said no. He ussually becomes mad after i said that. I Was like nursing home? Both were like hell nah. Moms dieing, and my dad wants her to have a good life. If this sittuation is for lets say 6 months then it seems fair, but if it keeps on dragging. Then idk. My mom is sweet but can be manipulative and has a good heart tho. So you could say that i am a people pleaser aswell, and sometimes i use people because i am scared, im growing slowly away from it tho. Yep, i got it from them, and they got it from their parents.
@@ZombieaidZ Im really glad you took the step to break contact, i hope its working for you. I broke contact with my mom once. She never saw it comming. we didnt have contact for 4/5 months. But for me it was Cope, and a bit about what you are saying. I have contact with her now, its going ok. But secretly i am just waiting because im a coward.
💯💯💯💯💯 Or maintains status quo so they dont have to think about life changing, they don't have to adjust themselves, they still have a "baby" so THEY can feel like more of a competent adult, etc
When you said "I realize its not my fault but it is absolutely my responsibility" I started cheering in my home office. That is such a valuable lesson, and a critical one to avoid falling into the pitfalls of scapegoating and joining these cult like groups that tell you a singular entity or event is responsible for all your suffering.
or sharp in the other direction, where you say "my actions are my responsibility, there's nobody to be angry at other than myself" and look at their entire life, deciding its easier to just take their own than live another day like that
I watched this video when it first came out and I was 23. I remember thinking at the time how I have two more years to get my life together as this video very much applied to me. I just turned 25 a week ago and am now rewatching this video and very little has changed... I'm afraid I'll always be this way now and I have so little hope or motivation to change my situation, just like two years prior. I don't usually ever comment like this because it feels like I'm begging for attention or pity. Now that I'm writing this I worry people think the same for just even writing that I feel that way... All that being said and I know this is such an overused phrase and cliche but you guys who are in the same boat are truly not alone... Someway, somehow, we'll get through this and I have to believe that because it's the only way anything will ever change. If you read all of this, thank you, and thank you Dr. k for the helpful advice over the years even if I don't apply it.
Man, the part about no one teaching you is so true. It just robs you of confidence and knowledge. My dad didn't care, and my mom did 90% of things for me. Birthdays really were an issue, so much so that I told my parents I wanted to no longer have them when I was like 8. Talking to cousins and so forth was also an issue. Everything was always handled by parents. I was never told to call my cousins or talk to them outside of holidays. I was not given the tools to do so (phone numbers or addresses). I internalized our family meetups as largely annoying affairs where I was expected to be chummy with people I never otherwise talked to.
Yup, this was also my experience. Didn't help that I lived multiple states away from any extended family members. Also, my mother forbade me from just "showing up" at my friend's houses and asking if we could play. I had to pre-arrange with both her and my friend's parents that it would be okay for us to play days in advance. Now I feel super awkward and uncomfortable spending time with people unless we are participating in some kind of activity, and I suck at casual conversation.
My dad was never there for me as a night worker, my mom 9/10 did things I didn't want to do, my brother pretty much ignored me by the time I entered puberty, and I was homeschooled up until my high school graduation two years ago. I pretty much haven't had a stable friendship since I was 11, and the rest have been online. I'm pretty close to the 25 year old in that meme.
I relate to most, especially the part about birthday parties. In my case my parents even told me not to go there because i would have had to bring a present (thus spending money that could have been used otherwise). So they basically thought me to keep everything for myself... being an only child didn't help either. Needless to say, i am now quite awkward socially...
I am definitely not 25 but this discussion feels very close to home. I am 29 and i definitely felt like my elementary and middle school years were the best years of my life. My life after high school went downhill from there. I am working and attending college but I didn’t finish college at 22 like most people do and I never had a girlfriend though not having one pains me every day.
I was in a 4 and half year relationship, I was 16 when it started. And I wish I never ever got into it with her... she completely messed up my head when it comes to dating. Everytime I think about approaching women I just think about what she had done to me and it puts me off. I've been single now for over 3 years and I haven't had any sex for over a year. Literally because I don't want anything to do with women anymore everywhere I look or go they seem to be so toxic
Same man. I miss high school so fucking much. I had so much damn fun hanging out with the boys and playing football. Now I have no boys, I have nobody.
im 22 atm and never had a gf. I don't even approach girls because I have nothing to say (literally nothing comes to my mind to talk to) and I feel like they won't like me so I don't even try. Plus i have a stuttering problem and that makes it harder too. Its really frustrating.
High school and college were the toughest times in my life. I struggled in school and never had a girlfriend that time. I really wanted a girlfriend so bad that time. I got rejected countless times in person and online. As I got older, girls started to at least date me, but they still kept ghosting me after a few dates. I thought about getting a luxury car to replace my Camry that I inherited from my parents. I was already working, but I wanted to save up to buy a house, which I eventually did, instead of blowing it on a car. Somehow, I found a girl who finally stayed with me by the time I was in my late 20s and she became my girlfriend. I guess as men get older, they become more desirable.
hey dr. Alok, if your reading this I just genuinely want to thank you. After watching a couple of your videos and getting to know what your about its all become clear to me. clear to me about a couple things really starting with your genuine desire to help people and your videos clearly reflect this. Your always honest with your audience, you don't incriminate them or try to scare them of themselves you simply do your best to tell them where they are and point them towards where they want to be. To be personal for a moment, I grew up in a family of nurses. my mum was one before she retired for medical reasons, my sister always wanted to be one and in particular my dad was a psychiatric nurse. while I didn't want to be one I thought that if I was ever having mental health issues my dad was definitely someone I could turn to and ... oh boy how wrong I was. As soon as I told him and the rest of my family about the depressive thoughts I was having due to constant bullying and segregation I was facing it turned bad quickly. It was never "Im sorry to hear that" or "is there anything i can do to help" what it was is "YOU'RE FINE, SAY YOUR FINE" and "YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FORGRANTED". To this day I've never really been able to share my true thoughts and opinions with them to any meaningful acknowledgement, I may not ever. Watching your video has made me more self aware of who I am, where I am and the things I CAN do with my life. I know all may not see it this way but what I wanna say at the end of this for lack of a better term you truly are doing "gods work" and that work is doing ffaaarrr more good than you may ever realise. please keep doing what you do and thank you for doing it!
As an 18 year old loner I can relate to this video a lot. Whenever I try to hang out with people my age I feel out of place and like they’re only talking to me out of pity or because they have to. I was trying to look for a way out for a very long time and didn’t know where to start. This video helped me narrow down where to start. I always used to blame myself for my social blunders but it’s comforting to see that others also struggle with the same things I do and there are people out there willing to help.
Dont feel bad. Most people are shallow and boring af. They lead very little lives and are concerned and obsessed about all these meaningless little things that they just cant stop talking about. Every time I meet ppl of my age, all they want is fu** chicks, drink as much alcohol as they can survive and smoke the most fu**ed up stuff that doesnt get them killed instantly. And then they talk about how to get all of that in the cheapest way possible and without waking up in a prison cell. The older generations talking about their dogs not eating the new food, their latest vacation and how bad the traffic was on the way back home or they try to talk about sports or some other thing I never cared once about in my entire life. And at some point 'I guess I just stopped caring about what everyone else thinks when I always only listen and nod and rarely tell them about anything that wouldn't be work related. They wouldn't understand and maybe they would be bored by me. So why bother? Get yourself some introverted girl that shares at least one passion of yours, keep in contact with your actual family and that's all you actually need in life.
I am 25 now and when I was your age I was just entering college. I was very much a loner who didn't mind being alone as I had specific goals in mind and I was introverted. However, by starting with small interactions with one person in a group, if the synergy is good enough you'll get absorbed into the entirety of the group if your chemistry is positive with most of the people in said group. I could not relate to anyone that was in my classes in high school and all the people I had made friends with then were always in different classes/sports. But once I had my freedom I was able to flourish, meet new people that I related to, and start relationships. I think going to events and being in the vicinity of hangout spots is a good way to find a like-minded group. I met a lot of my friends in the gaming club where local tournaments were hosted and after 6-7 years I still talk and play games with those people. Condition yourself to be unafraid of failure if you can and reach out for people with the same interests as you, the rest will be histroy.
25 yo girl here, everything in this video is exactly me. the rest of my life is kind of going well, i have a job, i'll soon have an appartment, but i'm completely failing at the human part of life. i have no one outside of my family circle, i ended up in a workplace where we're only 3 and the 2 other workers are much older than me. and even if i try to go somewhere to meet people... it's like people always know each other already and i'm the only stranger. haven't had a friend for 6 years and the last one was a fake one anyway. ngl it's tough
nothings tough, ukraine is tough. just stop thinking negative about your character, if you see loneliness as a sickness take a look on all the videos how awesome lonely people can actually be. you don't have to change, just to meet the standards somebody else made up and couldn't give to everybody.
@Pablo Steuer Hmmm I don't think I see belittling and invalidating others on the "helpful tips" list, also just because people decide to murder each other over lines drawn by politicians doesn't mean being a good person isn't tough, it means it's easier to function when all you have to think about are staying alive and killing others. I agree dont change for others, but what a wild start to a comment where I suppose you want to be helpful? Like "Some people are killing others, that's tough, not your life by comparison" and then you totally dismissed intimacy and it's effects on both longevity and mental health.
It IS tough. Tough to connect on a real, personal level with people today. I hear you. Hang in there though. Know why? Because you, are WAY tougher than this mean old world. Be bold! 👍
True human connection cannot happen if you are not happy with yourself. It sounds like you are focusing on the expectations of society. You and you alone can make yourself happy; it’s simply a matter of finding something to put your heart and soul into-doesn’t have to be a person.
Generation Z was not prepared for this social experiment ... social media, lack of third spaces & lack of real life communities, online dating butchered Gen Z so hard its sad.
So when you said "do your parents even maintain relationships" it clicked hugely to me. My parents don't have any friends, well my father has a couple but it's not close friends at all, to be more precise my parents don't have a social circle. And i saw that my entire life. Little by little, the lack of social skills (not their fault btw i never stressed that as a problem so they never identified it as a problem) and me seeing my parents doing just fine without close social circles ingrained in my brain the idea of "i don't really need people" because i saw them doing just fine without it. Difference is, i'm a young 21yo man still in the process of adulting and they are full grown adults almost in their 50s with stable jobs and connections if they so need them, they just choose not to, but if they need someone, they have it. I don't, but i didn't knew i'd need it eventually, so now i'm 21, single, have no real close friends aside from 1 who lives really far away and we can only meet like once a year, and i have no idea how to create and maintain relationships at all.
Also, the example of the kid with the great grade at the test, yeah that absolutely can destroy a person. No matter who you are, you always at least in childhood and early teenage expect your parents to praise you when you do good, and sometimes you even as an adult still value their opinion of you in high regards, when all your parents do is look at your seven mistakes out of the 93 times you succeded it can really be a low blow on your self esteem for life.
I relate, although my dad has many friends and is quite social, most of the time he is at work. BUT my mum basically has no friends, but she is the one I see the most, the one I am around the most.
It has many pros and cos to not having social circles my father also has no friends and I something feel like life shouldn’t be lived like that but social media generation is a different era altogether
thank you for not cutting out the pauses, it feels so much more like someone is talking to me rather than im watching a piece of 'content' this way. thank you for everything you do, you have helped me so much
My parents NOT only didn’t teach me how to be social, but discouraged it! My mom always saw me socializing as a “flaw”, a waste of time, complained when I had a new friend, didn’t allow me to go out and told me I was misbehaving if I went out “too often” in her mind… no wonder why I have “loner” issues at my now almost 40 years old 😢
😂 I've 10 years expereince being loner 😂 I don't know.. but I don't feel it's killing me at all. 😂 and I think I'll die alone as well 😂 and not sad for me at all. 😂 I think people r too annoying for me probably and that's the reason I like to be alone. 😂 but tho for me I have my plants and dogs with me . does they counted as company so I can't claim I'm ALONE THE WHOLE TIME😂
Yeah... the parent figure in my life would balk whenever I mention my sad state of social life, but would hate it whenever I try to ask for permission. 💀 I don't even stay out before 6. It sucks man.
At the same time, being a 40 year old and STILL blaming your life outcome on your parents is pathetic. Seriously man. Sorry that happened to you but cmon. Grow up and learn to become your own soul. Stop blaming life outcomes on your parents. What the hell have you been doing the past 20 years? Parents can’t tell you what friends you make in your 20s. Maybe this all is your fault honestly.
@@eun5150 sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself there buddy. I know your hurting bro just face it. It can keep better the first step is recognizing the problem. People are social creatures you can’t lie and say you’re fine being alone, it’s against human nature.
48 yrs old failure to launch guy here. Had a job for 15 years that I hated and not suited for. I got fired cause I sucked at it and new management wasn't haven't me. I work at UPS part time. I'm trying to be an artist on the side and I have made some progress but this is hard. I was always an outsider in school, and all throughout life, Definitely a loner. It doesn't get easier so fix it while you are 25.
That story of the kid with 97 marks hits too close to home. I decided to stop caring about my parent's opinion on my studies after a similar incident happened to me , and it greatly improved my life.
The philosophy of "start where you are" and "what can I do today?" has helped me so so much. I've had a lot of contact with professional mental health support and a lot of what was imparted to me boiled down in some way or another to that strategy. For me, in a depressive episode, I know I can't simply overcome depression in a day - but what can I do today? Well maybe I can brush my teeth. If I'm lucky, maybe even have a shower. That's where it starts. You got this
Thank you, I needed this, 25 year old here experiencing this exact crisis. It’s extremely depressing and frustrating, however, this analysis has been somewhat soothing and helpful
I'm 28 and an immigrant to Canada from Vietnam. My older and younger sibling are both successful in culturally acceptable ways while I just devoted 11 years to being a top warlock in a game, which I eventually quit last year. It's all empty now. I work in a warehouse and have no friends. I just go in people's yt and twitch chats when I want to socialize. While it's better to be employed than not, I still deal with constant shame every holiday and family gathering as I get told to either go back to school or apply to jobs like engineer and doctor that I'm obviously not qualified for. And those are the family members who I still talk to. My parents are divorced, and I haven't seen most of my mom's family in six years. I deleted them on social media when they'd send me long bitchy walls of text about how I'm a loser, and that was that. 20 some years of knowing these people and that relationship is over. I really don't care about getting close to people when it can just end at the snap of a finger. I guess I like having friends and family but not actually socializing with them.
You're still very young. I didn't start my career journey until I was in my 30s. I felt crippling shame for my lack of accomplishments for many years. Now I'm in my mid 40s and have financial success and a family. Forgive yourself, and take the time to make a plan for your future. Good luck!
This video hit some core part of me through a wound I didn't think I had. I cried multiple times throughout this, but the thought of 'think and do the step you can do today,' I think that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.
@john.dough. There's ups and downs. I made a rash decision to quit my job, turned out to be a good idea. If all goes well in the following month, I think I could officially say that things are good. Life is chaotic, man.
I’m a 27 year old loner with some friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’m a virgin. I feel far behind and overwhelmed but I think I can maybe get out of this. I’ve always been way better at academic stuff than social. Dr. K brings up so many childhood memories it hurts. I wish virgin didn’t have such a negative meaning for men.
Hey Chip, I'm in a similar place, though I'm a couple years younger. One way I've dealt with the virgin issue is by realizing it doesn't really mean anything for men. You can be confident without experience. Physically, there is no difference between a male virgin and male non-virgin. For women however, there is a physical difference, not that that is of much consequence either. What I'm trying to say is: You are the only one who knows with certainty that you are a virgin and you are the only one who cares. Thanks for your comment and I hope you're doing well.
It's nothing special unless the person you're with is special. Keep trying to develop socially(in small close group helps) and you can build up confidence by pretty much faking till you're making. Whenever you're out and talking with confidence someone may see something in you that you don't see in yourself. It happened to me and completely threw me off so much that I thought "no way she's looking at me like that." I shut down and pretty much gave her the cold shoulder. You might be older and have to give a harder effort socially on your part, but luck is the right time meeting your preparation for that moment.
I was the same way, I thought getting a girlfriend would fix it. I’m still with the same wonderful girl two years later but I have even less friends and I feel more lonely than I did before because I spend most of my time with her and almost never socialize. Before I had a gf I had maybe 5-10 close friends now I have 1-2 (both my roommates) and a few acquaintances
As a 27 year old loner, i can add a bit about why there are more and more of us - because it's comfortable. With the internet and rise of social media, information overload has really become a problem and it is one of the things that is keeping me in this zone. In late teens, facebook groups were the thing, so high school drama and all kinds of relationships had changed from something that you have to think about when you are with people, to a thing that you can think about at any time. And then it became worse, because some things that happened in FB were now almost necessary to know when you got back into school, or you would feel alienated. Now for me, that was too much, so i just cut that out, left most of the socializing to my small group of friends and ignored everything else. That was fine until the end of high school, and when you got to college or somewhere else, i did not feel the need to socialize because it became the thing i avoid to not waste my mental space. But of course that made me not get new friends, and old ones had drifted to other things or got too busy, so i lost all that over time. At first it was lonely and depressed, buy got used to it over time, and after a few years im not even lonely anymore. Going back to information overload - now that i have discarded all that social stuff, i have way less things to worry about: i dont need to watch the news so that i could make small talk, i dont need to think about what presents to buy to x or y, or need to schedule time to go to the birthday or meetings, and so on. Now i have more time to do things that i want, and have less distractions from things that i need to do, and can deal with information overload a lot better because people i know dont shove it into my face anymore, and even if they do, i dont feel the social obligation anymore to give a damn about their memes or stuff. So yeah, it's actually quite comfortable this way, and while it's still fun to go and hang out with people, the effort required somehow feels too much now, and going out once a year has become a norm for me.
like i found socializing exhausting plus i suffer severe anxiety along with other conditions iv got a social group of around 17 people around the globe were we share interests and ideas besides that im not too bothered i might get back into being social at some point but im not driven towards it cus separating the rotten from the batch is so much hassle for a part of life that never has confirmed returns and like you said going out with people is fun and sometimes good but im not hyped to do it
Please do not blame the internet. Our entire societies are formed close to home, they aren't far reaching, and everyone encourages long term schooling + work. Ofc men will be lonely, ofc there will be burnout. Ofc it is a game of luck, you are either born around the right people or not! You go online, work hard irl, and hopefully it works best for you. Life ain't fair for everyone.
I have had physical issues growing up. Facing abuse, etc. Always looked younger than others cuz I had a troublesome childhood. I feel like 9/10 loners in this age group definitely have issues in their life that aren't immediately apparent so I really think it's not that big of a deal or a problem as this youtuber is trying to make it out to be Call it coping or whatever you want, it's just how I see it and what my personal experience has been
Its just that this type of people were always pussies that eventually got run over by stronger, natural selection, we see it in animals but refuse to see it in ourselves. They are trying to tell us there is place for everyone to be successful but we all know that aint true, i always got run over cause i was an easy target mentally wise i did not defend which made me close up into myself. Have few friends, we see ourselves once twice a week, some have gf-s some dont, all have much better going on for them job vise, im still in university 7th year in gonna finish in 8, uninterested in what i study, not 100% uninterested but when i see the ambition of other people there i'm just sad looking lmao, i know exactly where this is going but somehow there is this vail thats not letting me realize it yet, mby im so used to it i stared liking it. And ofc theres women whom im supposed to sell my amazing life story and things that have happened so i get married and shit and whats there to sell, i always back out off that cause theres really nothing good to say, its just my past is so bad, how would i open up fully to a girl and let her to know me and expect she'd decide to stay..
That justification will only work with you so many times, you can keep telling yourself its what you want but eventually the loneliness will hit you and it'll never leave. It might be comfortable because its easy but when you get to 35 and you realise what you've made of life its gunna hurt ALOT. Don't neglect socializing, its in your Dna to want to have a "tribe" and a partner you can lie to yourself forever but its there.
It's amazing how much really stems from childhood and whether or not your parents did a good job raising you. Just goes to show that people really need to be careful about having kids, because if they dont do a good job raising them then you're subjecting someone to a life of mental pain. The luckiest people out there are the ones with 2 parents who cared and who parented correctly.
@@halleffect5439 a suburb IS a community, tons of houses, tons of people etc. I live in an island in rural Finland, in a 3km radius there is not a single person who's my age
As a loner myself, two major things that cause people to turn into "loners" is emotional neglect from parents and prolonged social isolation during childhood and adolescent years.
Thank you so much. I'm a lonely 47 year old and you described the exact things my parents never thought to teach me. They grew up in small towns and didn't consider that I wouldn't just get it. Add in that I didn't have many life experiences that my age peers had and it has become very hard to make friends as an adult. Thank you Dr K. for making me feel less like a looser blaming the people around me. It's just the soup of accident.
So much of this video put into words I couldn't express why I was unable to connect with people ever. I have extremely emotionally unavailable parents who provided basic needs but I can't remember a single conversation or learning moment with my parents until I was already in my 20s because they just didnt do it. It explains so much why I feel so incompetent with meeting people. This has been a huge help listening to this. Thank you and all of HG for everything you do. These videos are wonderful.
I am definitely a 24 loner. Finishing up my Masters and applying for jobs. Had a great internship but did not get a return offer due to slowdowns. Getting interviews but ghosted after the first or second round interviews. I don't have too many friends and just stay at home most of the time. I feel like I am giving up the best years of my life and going to regret it in the future.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Nope. After some interviews, recruiters ignored my message and gave no updates. Life update, I accepted a $100k salary as a Data Analyst at a major wall street bank. Probably gonna work here for a year and look for new opportunities.
@CJ it's common that communications stop (or maybe a "no thx" email) if you don't make the cut. I wouldn't dwell too much on that. Sounds like you have a good job. Try to ride that job a good 3 yrs. It'll look good to have that chunk on your resume. Stack that 💰
@@CJ-fh5xqlmao, your whole comment was like "whaaa my life is bad, I got a degree and ending up getting a $100k a year job but my life is so tough because it took more interviews then I thought to get a good job, whaaaaa whaaaaaa"...
I've certainly learned from Dr K that the goal is not the destination, but every step along the journey. I keep coming back to these videos, just as a reminder of how simple it really is, cause it's so easy to overthink everything. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective over and over for years. I'm nowhere near complete, and will definitely come back just to have you break it down all over again for me. Thank you.
I have two sons who could be on the path you talk about in this video. This is incredibly helpful to gain better insight into what's going on, and what I can do as a parent to support and encourage them. Thank you.
My parents always told me I needed to hang out with the “right kind of”, people, not aknowledging that I was an oddball myself and so isolating me from people who could have been my friends. A common terrible parenting move.
“Once you don’t blame yourself, next thing that you gotta figure out is what are you truly responsible for” Thank you for this. I was about to give up on life before I heard these words. Hopefully I’ll be able to make use of them and rectify my situation.
As a 29 year old listening to this, things will get better. A lot changes but do your best to treat people around you with respect, it goes a long way. Great lecture, a lot need to hear this
My problem is that I don't necessarily like most of the people I meet. Most of the people I meet are generally untrustworthy and unlikable to me and I get the feeling that they don't necessarily like me either. It's such a weird thing since I get invited to these friend's parties and hangouts. I do respect some people, but they are getting harder and harder to find.
I feel this same way. Most the people I meet I just always feel like, “Wow I’d rather be home playing guitar or video games or at the gym. Why am I doing this? I don’t even like these people.” I’m at the point where I’d rather be alone and working on my own stuff than try to make friends for no reason.
The difference whit a kid and a adult is. kids are not very picky about who they want as a friend and they desire friends or a best friends a lot. i could care less about that now.
I'm 29, and felt stuck for several years now, almost a decade. At this point, I've wondered if I can ever overcome the numerous obstacles in my life that I've constantly failed to hurdle before reaching this 'launch' you speak of. So hard to feel like there's still a chance even though I'm still trying.
God I wish I could have the chance to be so young again. 29 is so incredibly young! You're barely out of the starting gate! Spare a thought for me, at 49, trying to rebuild my life after decades of misguided attempts at careers and relationships and friendships and everything else. All a complete mess because apparently I lacked every life skill in existence except for studying.
"Being a loner is a loser" is socially constructed and total bs. Live your life the way you want. Don't feel the pressure to make friends if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Don't be influenced/compared yourself to others. But also, remember that time is limited and don't live with regrets
Ya mine literally asked me "are u mad at us for not teaching u anything in life" i didnt answer her but in my head i was fuming. Im never going to tell them how i feel they would get depressed af. They dont need to know, im just going to figure things out on my own since im also at fault for not realizing this on my own and relying on them too much.
Yea, my parents started apologizing to me over how they failed me in my upbringing recently. I am 35, work a dead end job and have never been with a woman. Unfortunately, being told that I am a failure due to them being failures did not help at all. If anything, I now feel even more shame for making them feel ashamed of themselves.
27 is amazingly young!!! I'm having similar feelings about the course of my life at the age of 49! Believe me, you're still at the starting gate in life. It's all about perception. Do NOT allow a depressive perception of your situation convince you you're too old for anything. You're in your absolute prime!! Don't waste a moment of it lamenting! Go after what you want!!
My mum never asked if I was ok or gave me a hug........once. She also ensured to shoo away my father while seeking out other partners to emasculate. The last thing I will feel sorry for is a western woman who complains that men aren't masculine. The whole point is it was never their choice to begin with.
@@09furdich92 turned 27 yesterday, without Dr K I would have just let my porn addiction run rampant, live my life dictated by my feelings (fear, anxiety, depression). Living as Peter Pan and fighting my dad, Captain Hook instead of growing up, take responsibility and make sacrifices. I am so eternally grateful for Dr K.
I'm a 30yo loner, but I don't.... feel alone or lonely. I like my own time. My hobbies and interests are mostly solitary since childhood- reading books, writing, watching films, hiking, birdwatching, painting and sculpting. When I see my university friends hanging out, my first thought is "aww that's so sweet that they keep in touch" not "wow i wish i was there" or "damn they don't even invite me anymore." Is that bad? Is that just self-delusion? Should I be sad that I'm not sad about being a loner?
Not at all. What matters is how you feel and whether you feel like your alone time is a problem that should be addressed, but I don't see that in you. The time you spend alone is spent being happy and doing things that enrich your life, and if that's true, I'd say your feelings are very normal.
If you don't feel the need to become closer to people and have more time with others and your needs are being fulfilled then you are doing fine imo People that are alone and LONELY know it. That's something you feel every day when you are home and you drown yourself in distractions by yourself to compensate for the actual human connection you lack. I would say regardless you should force yourself to hang out with people a bit if you really never do just because it's pretty universal that we need some form of companionship, but overall you do you boo
I'm only 22, but it's felt like forever since I left high school. The relationship with my old, but strong friend group, destroyed. 3 semesters of college, failed. Severe depression, only emphasized by extreme burnout. Started construction work at 19, despite all of the honors and AP I took and prospered in high school. It means nothing now. I'm now in my 8th semester of college (skipped one after the third fail), and just work full-time in construction and as a painter. I don't deserve friends or any sort of good relationships, tbh. From what I've been taught, I need to focus on my career, my education, my future. The days keep getting longer. It would be nice though to turn a "hopefully" into reality one day. Even if it only lasts for a day. Oh well, time to get out of this construction job first though.
It was drilled into my head that only my work and my education is all that matters. Anything else is frivolous. Relationships, frivolous. Hobbies are nice but irrelevant overall. If I am not working, I am idle and if I am idle, I am useless.
I'm 23 and I never even started college, I just become a house painter working with a family company. Man, I seriously don't know where life went, I don't even work full-time... I tried many things throughout life from trying to apply to SSDI due to claiming autism and failing and going to college once at 18. I feel I have just been enabled, living rent-free with my single-parent household all these years. I see all these people at my age making 100k+ per year by getting a bachelor's degree in Computer Science or Finance. While I barely make 16k a year, I keep telling myself that I will go back to college to get one of these highly profitable degrees but the student loan debt... I have just accepted I spend too much time on my devices, after work I just go home and play video games from 6pm-2am then get ready for work in the morning, and in the weekends it's just 16 hours of gaming, movie consumption, youtube, netflix, etc. I do many scumbag things like pirating every video game and movie/tv-series I want to watch, thinking one day I will be able to afford a house however in the economies these days, I doubt it. No friends, just the game.
Yeah same story for Me failed at uni now work for 20k and I’ve accepted it I’ve lost but it’s okay others deserve the success they worked harder than me I’ll take the L and move forward hopefully my son (if I’m having one) will be one of the winners
@@opticalraven1935 my parents always pushed getting a good career over everything and I don’t hate them or anything or completely blame them but I think the way they raised me and all of the restrictions and things they didn’t let me do that every person usually goes through in their developmental years is why I am the way I am today and why I consider myself a loner
As a 27 year old with one or two friends now and a large social circle when I was in school, I think this describes my situation really well. With graduating and getting a job, your lives have become so different and it really take conscious effort to get those relationships to stick.
Progress makes you worse, that line is so true for me, no matter what I do, I never felt good about me, that's why I like staying where I am, and not move forward because it reminds me of how far I am from my goal which is worse 🥺 I am incredibly thankful to you for sharing this
Dr. K., you lifted a ton off my shoulders! I was a 25 yr old female loner/"loser" in 1990, long before Internet, and two years later I wrote my first novel about a 27 yr old male loner/loser. It was decades in the making and I had no money or publisher but issued it through a newspaper in episodes and it somehow launched some sort of career, a very modest and still lonesome one. Writing saved me from suicide but not from loneliness or poverty and I'm still learning how to sustain friendships. With over 20 books published to date (including that one) it seems a little easier now. Without the weight of guilt, it will be even easier up from now. Thank you!
I’m 28. Just about to do a kitchen porter job. People say I should be able to do better and that’s true. But the fact that most jobs are difficult for me due to my autism and social anxiety has made me realise that social anxiety is actually a serious issue, as serious as other mental disorders, and I need to start proactively doing something about it. From watching this video I might join the discord community you speak of. I need to start doing stuff to manage my issues better.
2:47 Really appreciate you thinking that way. I'm 29 and failed to launch because of my double cancer diagnosis over a decade ago (18 and again at 21). I've recently quit my job to go back and finish my degree. Life IS NOT over till you're dead.. To anyone reading, DO NOT let tragedy define you, and more importantly, do not let your self worth drop to zero. Everyone is capable of something more than mediocrity.
Yeah I can totally relate to this. After having panic attacks I decided to start therapy a few years ago. Little did I know how much I was actually neglected by my parents. I was always the kind that seemed to be doing fine, but only because I was taught to keep everything to myself. It still blows my mind, how my parents thought that having no friends, hobbies or a life outside school is normal. When I was like 21 I spoke to my parents about my mental health issues. Their answer? "We always wondered why you werw so withdrawn". But they never bothered to ask. And now they wonder why im so distant...
Hits at home. I'm still afraid to open up to my parents but I feel like I'm slowly rotting in my room. I read some books like "Running on empty" by Jonice Webb and other self-improvement stuff but I always end up back to square one.
I'm 26 and identify with this.I always had the capability to do well in school but stopped doing work,grew up in bad conditions,and never developed socially.I proceeded to get my own place,car in early 20s and lost it all due to alcoholism.Wasted those early 20s and now have to start over again at 26 and everyone has passed me by.Given how life has gone for me,I don't have any real interests,hobbies,and don't even know what I want in life.I will not let that dictate my future and am determined to have a successful life from here on out.
same here, new year new start. i move away from my 9 year friendzone love yesterday (4X circle with same person). she was happy seeing me after 2 year, was thinking that i was coming back in her life but it was all for me to start new life. wish u luck, we can make it!!
Same here, I wasted my early 20s because of drugs and a bad environment. Nobody really help me to quit drugs until I fell really down and do it myself. No friends, no money or work just the will for a better life
@@SmokerCrow99 I'm glad for you mate. I went through the same years ago. Life still isn't easy, but I'm giving myself a chance to experience better days down the path. Never forget it : You may be struggling today, but you're doing it for your future self.
This reminds me of when my generation were children (born 2002), it was pretty common to hear people comment that our parents were lazy and simply raising us on our video games. Now that lack of experience in the field of getting and keeping friends is starting to bite all of us in our early to mid 20s.
this sounds like a you issue im a 03 but life is what you make of it. Keep telling yourself thats its not your fault and live a life full of regret. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. If you want to change your life you have to FUCKING CHANGE SOMETHING. Life doesn't come to you, you have to come to it. If you bad at math start studying math more. If you a horrible speaker, then read more. If you addicted to porn stop watching porn you fucking loser. NOTHING CHNAGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. The only one going to chnage your life is you. Your only 21 you have plenty of time your in your early 20s 20-25. Its your life now grab it by the fucking throat and do something about it. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. I literally have changed my life around by living by that quote and you can too. The only reaosn im even writting this is because I hate seeing kids my age go through the same shit I went through for the past 4 years. I don't want to see our generation become a souless worthless pile of losers. Seriously please responded to me I want to help you or atleast update me about your life since you wrote that comment, Any better, any worse. Please respond. Lets figure this shit out together.
I was this archetype at 22 aside from having a job. I was really lucky to have coworkers that hurrased me with good will and questions to the point I finally began opening up. Sticking to myself and doodling in sketchbook turned into long loud boisterous card games on lunch. I made so many new friends some that I've become close with all because one guy had the goodwill to pick at my brain. It was a beautiful moment in my life and I'll forever be grateful to have experienced it.
28 rn and this is me exactly. i dont go anywhere all my friends have moved away and i have essentially no support system whatsoever. im a jr in a computer engineering program, my grades are starting to fall apart and im exhausted all the time. i was doing SO well even just 2 years ago. ive developed a near-panic reaction to trying to study because i want so badly to do well. im scared of my phone because i associate it with exclusively bad news. i am so lonely and am dealing with so much other shit (assaulted 6 months ago and almost died) completely alone. no one even came to the hospital, including my mom because she doesnt understand why i'm 'so lazy' and our relationship has suffered as a result. i feel like im trying so hard and getting nowhere. this made me feel like i have a place to start for the first time in months. thank you.
Not sure how I ended up here, I'm really struggling right now in life (and have been for half of my adult life honestly. So much stuff to talk about, my own childhood too and all, but too much for a single comments on youtube) and this video came up in my recommended, I'm 24 right now so I had to click on it. But anyway, I was reading comments and stumbled upon yours and saw you had no replies or anything. And after reading your comment, I felt like I wanted to check up on you, how are things going on now, even though it's only been 2 months since your comment. And I'm so sorry you had to suffer an assault, that shit's horrible. I can't even imagine how you're feeling, hope you're healing. I relate to the the stuff you said, last year I got a college degree from a program for programming, specifically for video games (it was really tough but I managed to complete it), and it's been almost exactly a whole year since then and haven't been able to find a job in the industry. Trying so hard but getting nowhere, god do I empathise with you, I feel the same. And honestly, I stopped trying a few months ago. And the worst part? It's somewhat my fault, I'm honestly scared of that world, I love programming and I'd like to think that I'm decent, but god am I scared of getting a "real job" in the industry and realizing I can't do the job. Anyway... I just feel so god damn lost right now with everything. I relate so god damn much to the "25 year old loner" post, just about most stuff in there. I was like, yep, that's about me. Anyway, wanted to check up on you, from stranger to stranger, human to human, how are you? And you know what, sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff to complete strangers I guess, on my part it's IMPOSSIBLE to talk about stuff like this with my mom, I just see it deep in her eyes she either doesn't give a f*** and/or can't offer any advice whatsoever, she just expects me to figure stuff out and I feel like she never thought me anything. It's honestly very frustrating, like talking to a wall, she just doesn't seem to understand me and thinks I'm a loser. If you want to talk, about anything, I'll gladly listen. You also said you're currently in a program about computer engineering yourself, I went through the same stuff last year, I wouldn't mind offering some help and advice too with that, I totally understand how overwhelming and stressful it can be. I myself also wouldn't mind an ear if you're open to it. It's super random but why not, life is random sometimes I guess. If you're open to it, you can contact me on discord (I assume you have one?), at 'raphael4'. Even if it shows I'm offline don't worry, still shoot me a message, I'll see it soon.
as a 30 year old loner it won't get better after 5 years if you don't try so I really hope anybody reading this and is on that same path be sure to listen to Dr K you might find your place cause i never did so please listen while you still wanna listen before the despair hits you and makes you not wanna do anything at all but hide from reality. Good luck whoever needs it, I truly believe you can get there but of course it wont be easy but its much better than being alone cause that will hurt forever.
Same to you moon man, I may never meet you IRL but know I am rooting for you to put despair in its place. Don't give up on yourself, there are others out there who haven't given up on you. I'm one of them ❤
@@Mikidy I would have to agree. Just because ur 25 instead if 30 doesn't mean you can't turn your life around. See, what you're doing right now is thinking in the "shoulds" Dr K has ellaborated on so nicely. I "should've" went down the right path when I was 25" when the reality of the situation that so many others have proven is that you can absolutely still do it now, and there's more than enough supportive people in this community to help you do it. Don't you DARE give up!
27, but thank you for this video. Now I know that I am not entirely responsible for my loneliness. I like self-development and I have always blamed myself for the lack of friends - "maybe if I went outside more often in my childhood, joined the high school interest club or put less emphasis on my studies in college" the truth is my parents moved away from the city, but still quite close to it, that it was never profitable to rent your own apartment. My parents didn't have lots of friends, and as I was a good student and an introverted kid, they didn't worry about me. It's nice to hear that you are not responsible for everything, even if you had a nice enough household. I wrote to my old friend today, we'll see.
As a physiotherapist, I really appreciate you bridging your practice to mine and mine to yours. And it helps me so much with applying what you are teaching to my everyday life. I hope, with all the lessons I’ve received from you, that I can improve my patients’ life better too. Thank you!
Thank you for mentioning this. I noticed that I couldn't maintain relationships and I can't interrupt body/facial expressions well. I was told I don't have autism, but this explains it perfectly. Everything you said about not being taught, perfectly explains my life.
My dads been telling me for the longest time that I need to just get over my anxiety. You're videos are awesome and are activly helping me in my day to day life.
Unfortunately, his generation doesn't seem to know the difference from feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. At least from my experience talking to people from that generation. Its not really their fault though. If you haven't experience mental health issues its kind of hard to grasp or fix it for someone who has it without proper training. Exercise and eating healthy can only go so far.
I hope you can find proper support for dealing with your anxiety from people who actually understand it. Having a parent who not only doesn't understand mental health, but also denies mental illness can be SO damaging. There are people out there who will understand. Try to be a therapist and psychiatrist if possible. Lots of other people will relate to you as well.
"There's no such thing as a loser, Its a judgement we make out of ignorance." - Dr.K Beautifully said. People perceive things or believe them to be the absolute objective truth. however most of us don't realise that our opinions are coming people who don't like to think for themselves, and to only listen to what society interprets things, which are highly biased, subjective . Especially when they attribute negative labels to people. For example, calling people 'losers' just because they haven't achieved a certain goal in life.
@@intellect1141 well thank you, but I'm just speculating. Society is a lot of things but it's bad part seem like echo chamber so Society's not really bad or evil more like flawed
I’m 22 and Ive been a loner pretty much my whole life. My parents never had any friends and therefore they lacked social skills, thats why me and my siblings never learned how to socialize properly. My parents never taught us anything when it comes to socializing, but they didn’t have the skills themselves to teach us so I really don’t blame it all on them. I never got to meet my cousins and relatives that much during my childhood so it's been very isolating growing up. Because of it I developed extreme social anxiety and I’m terrified to even speak to strangers and I’m only responding with few words when speaking with friends (Im surprised I even have friends, but I'm very grateful they want to stick around me even though i SUCK at talking). It totally sucks cuz I really want to talk to people and make new friends but I just don’t have the skills for it. I feel like a fucking alien and dumb as hell in most social interactions lmao. Very motivational video!
This resonated with me so much. The parents who focused so much on my failings, who just sent me to school and expected me to automatically know how to make friends and socialise. Having to parent yourself sucks. I never knew that you have to learn how to make friends. I always assumed that everyone, except me, is born with a natural ability to form relationships and socialise. One step at a time. I always have to remind myself, one step at a time.
When I went back to uni to finish my degrees, I felt old and out of place at first; I had the smallest student ID number on most exam result sheets of anyone who had taken that class. But then I also ran into students who were ten, twenty, even thirty years older than me who had come to do the same thing I had, and they tended to be the most motivated students out of everyone. It's really never too late to shift one's course and achieve meaningful success that one can be proud of.
Doesn't matter when you start. If you're "late" to college/uni you're gonna age another 4 years anyways so might as well have a degree. There's a good handful of 30+ folks starting their degree at my uni, they're always the most motivated students in class.
This hit me hard. Im 28, and I feel like my life just fizzled out. I finished my masters degree two years ago, but I didn't accomplish any of my goals. I failed to publish anything, I was rejected for all grants, and I was rejected from every PhD. program I applied to. My girlfriend left me a few months ago, and I realized she had become one of my only friends. I'm working a dead-end delivery job because I'm so afraid to fail again that I can't apply for real jobs in my field. Im so tired.
Yea, hate to say it, but it only gets worse, because your body will soon start its decaying state. I am 35 and once the body is no longer naturally growing or in a static state... your mental state will be amplified. I highly recommend you don't become me; you should force yourself to go apply to those jobs, even if you expect to fail. Either that, or be happy working the delivery job and the income you do make. If you want marriage, you are running out of time; since you and I are not among the "top men", there absolutely is a time limit on getting a reasonable woman. Anyway, take what I say with a grain of salt, because I am basically you 7 years into the future if you continue down your same path. It is not pretty, it does not get better, and life wont help you unless you help yourself. I never did help myself, and I will suffer because of it. Now I exist as a source of disappointment to my parents who worry about my future every single day. My brother is afraid to talk to me because he assumes I will just kill myself, and there is nothing left but the remainder of my life with no purpose.
@someone667 I'm sorry to hear that, regarding your life. I appreciate your words, because you are right about needing to get my ass in gear before things get worse. However, I suspect that all is not lost for you. A lot of people turn their entire life around in their 40s, including some in my family. There is always hope!
@someone667 Also, I was thinking more about what you said, and I wanted to reassure you that there is no such thing as being too low-value to find love. I have a female friend who is an absolute dime, a stunner. She has a Ph.D and owns a large farm, so she is independently wealthy. And she left a handsome, wealthy guy she was seeing for one of the ugliest and most boring men I have ever witnessed in my life, and they've been happily together for three years. All he has is a quiet confidence in himself and a lot of kindness, and that's enough for her.
@@Rustyboy21 Well, I was offered my dream job as a marine biology instructor and researcher at a brand new college! Then the funding fell through and the job offer was withdrawn... So I'm back to square one, which was a bit devastating. But I have an even better girlfriend now, and I've decided to cash out some of my assets to travel the world for a month. I'm curious to see where I go next! In short, very little has changed, but my outlook has greatly improved.
Im only at 11:50 and this hurts to watch because of how accurate it is. Yeah, nothing ever went "wrong" i was never traumatized but ive found myself wishing it had because I didmt get why I'm struggling so much. My life has been in a steady downwards spiral and I just couldn't ever figure out why. But then you talked about parents just expecting kids to learn things by themselves and a memory hit me like lighting of me crying in my bathroom because my mom was yelling at me because I didnt mop correctly and I told her I didnt know how and she snapped back that she had told me how to do it (at some vauge point in the past). I still dont know how im supposed to mop. My step dad loved cars but he never taught me anything about them. I dont even know what I dont know about them, and now im so far behind Im too embarrassed to ask. I was never taught the rules for getting gifts until I was a teenager and tried to do something nice for my step mom and got her a gift, once of those fancy swifer mop things, because i thought it would help. I didnt know what I did wrong until she was bitching at my mom for letting me buy such a thing as a gift because apartly its bad to buy cleaning supplies as a gift. It sounds obvious now, but how the fuck would I know, I thought it was a nice practical gift. How much these things have hurt and all the way it held me back a really hard to understand and deal with.
Yeah, im always confused about everything and my family and people around expects me to know it, just because they think im smart and capable which i barely are in some areas, i may be autistic, someday i will know or maybe not, but i always struggle with everything when it comes to people and managing myself
I never had a brother growing up but I feel like this man is as close as one. Thank you for the help. There needs to be more therapists like you out there.
I remember being surprised when I was well into my 20s, and my mum said "Wow, I never realised you were so anxious all the time". I always thought it was written all over my face, like "No shit, I was anxious! Have you never wondered why I didn't talk about school or go to parties like ever?" I never ever talked about it to anyone as a teenager, but to be fair, I was also never asked about it. I remember one summer when I was 15, getting heart palpatations whenever the phone rang because I though it was my schoolmates ringing to ask me to come to a party, and I was terrified that I would either have to go, or decline and potentially hurt someone's feelings (both were equally hideous concepts)
Yea, most of my family was surprised I never got married (am 35 now), and I can't help but think back to high school years when I had no friends, had no real skills, received minimal guidance and was overall led to be a social outcast. With that said, I am not trying to alleviate the responsibility on my part.. but was I suppose to know all of this crap at 14 by default?
@@someone-ji2zb I had a lot of friends, was generally liked in school and was invited to a lot of parties. But all I wanted to do is play video games. There was a time when I went to these parties but internally I was dying inside, while everyone seemed to have the time of their lives. And I just wanted to be home and alone the entire time. Later on most of my friends were mostly into video games and I rarely went outside for activities. When I moved on in school, I didnt keep up contact with most of my friends and nowadays I have basically no one. But I dont feel lonely at all. In fact the less friends I had over the years, the less I felt lonely because I wasnt constantly reminded that people did all these other social activities that I didnt want to participate in. Nowadays I feel my life is so different from anyone else of my age, that I really cant connect to most people. Weirdly enough I am still liked by them somehow, just had this recently again where I was on a longer work related trip with people of my age and we formed some kind of little clique. And soon enough I was once again, sitting around drinking lots of alcohol, passively inhaling various drugs that they smoked, pretending to have fun with them. Glad that it is over. People are writing me still messages. I usually reply every few months with "sry lots of things to do". And soon they will move on and I dont have to deal with them again.
i stoped trying for last 10 year. i cant compete with 3 billions men that are taller smarter kinder more altruistic perfect symetrical face.. its over internet made standard unreachable for 99% male. insanely too many choice, why would a 10 10 person wouldnt get a free airplane paid to live in a castle. alot prefer to dream with a hot chocolat with bedsheet rolled up on the sofa than get a 9 on 10. and i would totaly understand if my woumb would be dedicated for specifi genes for 2% of my life
Hey folks - Dr. K’s Healthy Gamer Coaching is a cutting-edge program tailored for the unique mental health needs of the internet generation. It can help with issues like lack of motivation, excessive procrastination, missing life purpose, repairing/building relationships, and more! Sessions start at just $30.
You can learn more here: bit.ly/3FDSSDm
I am 25, friendless and I have no girlfriend, but I have a good job and most of time my only social interaction out of work is with family members. I am an IT Worker. the 40-hour work week I now realize eats a humongous percentage of my life. Life would be better if we had fulltime at 30 hours instead of 40. More opportunies to meet people would also be great.
I'm 16 why am I seeing this video
lol
Im Only half way through but I feel like this while only beeing 18 :D
TH-cam wants you to get a head start on this problem
as a 25 year old man with no friends and lives alone, I feel called out
It's no easier at 33 😅
Im only 24 but its fucking close enough 😂😭😭😭
Same bro, part of me wanted to shout through the screen "stop reading my mind old man"
Same we should be friends
@@ConservativeSatanist666 for you maybe lol. Your 30s could easily be the peak of your happiness/life.
This video made me realize that my parents not only didn't teach me how to maintain relationships, but emphasized *not* needing them. I constantly remember hearing "You have the rest of your life to make friends" from my mother and her constantly pushing me to focus less on friends and more on education/career/moving out, even too the point of homeschooling me in a super rural area. Now that I have done that (I have a job, my own apartment, im starting a career) I'm in the "rest of your life" stage and all I know how to do is work and be by myself, I've realized that socializing to me is a terrifying unknown and it has only gotten worse the longer I haven't done it.
I have trouble approaching women because i was taught by a misogynist father to never trust women. He thinks men have inherent dominance over women and should behave that way. He’s absolutely wrong ofc but a young impressionable male believes anything they’re told, and I only learned how wrong it was after making a fool out of myself by behaving in that manner in front of women. Thanks dad for giving me the worst advice imaginable and ruining my chances at having a gf.
It's a great start that you have accepted this. Now as he is saying in the video, start with what you can do, but is also a little challenging. Something like chatting a few more words with the cashier or messaging people on discord. Also great is getting a regular hobbie with other people.
@@Eventzz0 if you recognize that you're not screwed indefinitely though. You'll get there
@linus maybe see if you can get into recreational sports? You'll have to present it in a way that shows the benefits, but it's a good way to get interaction from people your age
@@Eventzz0 OMFG, that sounds so horrible. Thanks for sharing that. It explains a lot. :(
I just turned 25 last week. I've been feeling this way since 18. Great timing
Im 17, but i feel like this is gonna be me when im 25
@@EmptycatArt same here
I just turned 25 this weekend myself and I feel you on this
Happy birthday.
24 yesterday, s/o my Libra ♎️ family out there ❤
I feel like the worst part is when you ask other people for help:
"How do I meet new friends?" "What do you mean, you just go out and talk to people, duh."
"How do I try and get a girlfriend?" "What do you mean, just ask them if they wanna get it on."
All from the other person's perspective of "Well, I do just fine. Why don't you just do what I do?" Says the person with +10 in charisma and looks. Introversion and emotional intelligence are not celebrated features in today's world and it really sucks, especially for men.
Being in your mid 20’s in this era is so lonely, its like once you got out of college its nothing else to life than finding a soulmate, having children, and work to death. Friends only comes and goes.
I'm so bad at being lonely
What if I dont have friends even in my teens?
Theres nothing
@Manley156 I only said what i've experienced personally, people can only agree or disagree, if it seems like a confirmation bias to you then maybe you're just trying to not make it seem too bad of a situation than it actually is, which is fine.
@@Lil.Lon3Ly His calling it a confirmation bias could be his own confirmation bias, and that in turn could be my confirmation bias talking about how his confirmation bias is calling out your confirmation bias
If this comment seems unhelpful, I was trying to illustrate how unhelpful "muh confirmation bias" is as a response to somebody's personal fucking experience. Basically saying someone's personal experience is subjective and not omniscient is useless to point out. Who the fuck doesn't know that by now? Ope, there goes my confirmation bias again!
For me it's an utter failure to properly reciprocate socially. I have opportunities to chat with people, the occasional girl who smiles at me, hobbies / a career that puts me in contact with people and yet I have an utter inability to reciprocate socially unless I know them pretty well. Even then it's more surface level because I'm afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve after growing up feeling like I'm weird and boring. Sure, maybe there was no inciting incident but it feels like more of a death by a thousand papercuts situation that resulted in me having almost zero self worth.
You've created a self fulfilling prophecy. Let other people make their own judgments about you. You can't control what other people think anyway.
WOW you have described a lot of what I'm feeling about myself very eloquently
@Manley156 yep
It is terrifying how real what you say is, word by word. It's like an invisible wall, impenetrable, unbreakable, always there, between you and everybody else. It's like you're inhabiting a human body, Bot there's not a person behind, only a pilot, something that can analyse but lacks any trace of genuinity.
On a bright side, you have a career, you were capable of studying and becoming a functional member of society. You will at the very least not die in poverty. You don't know how much I envy that.
@@franacha this invisible wall you describing is what i was feeling these past years until i discovered something about myself, i dont really like socializing on a surface level with people and small talks, i also hyper analyze every situation and somewhat logical about everything so i started to build my life around it and found people who like to be deep about anything just like me and now i kinda feel better.
I still have to tolerate other human being and kinda fake my intreractions with them but i have my safe zone where i can charge my introvert battery
My summary notes (Reads best on desktop)
---------------------------------
1. Failure to Launch
1.1 - When they were young many loners had all the momentum. But as time passed on, a divergent gap begins to emerge
1.2 - People who don't have any singular traumatic event, "nobody but themselves to blame" (its a systemic issue tho dont't blame yourself).
1.3 - Every year that goes by , it gets a little bit worse. It gets replaced from a loner to loser.
1.4 - You think its your fault and also take the blame from the systemic side too and responsibility for things out of your control. All you can do is lose in this state.
2. The Forces at play
2.1 - How did you learn to make friends as a kid? Did your parents help you pick out gifts and birthday cards? (learning the rules of social reciprocity basically).
Parents do A LOT of work. Adjusted kids have support. Dr.K gives example on a grade 5 fight where a parent intervened and calmed things down.
2.2 - The Internet, a new force that was not around before. The world was a lot smaller before fractured communities. Result: Bunch of people not taught how to maintain social relations.
Parents didn't have to learn this because society was different then.
2.3 - Dr. K conceptualizes it as a person's karma. The confluence of events that led up to your current state of affairs. A BUNCH of factors.
2.4 - Think about what you were really taught...
2.5 - There is no such thing as a loser when you conceptualize it this way.
3. What can I do?
3.1 - Don't blame yourself
3.2 - What are you responsible for? Mind Trick: Your mind will start thinking in shoulds , its not what you should do. It's what CAN you do. "Should" makes you feel worse when you progress.
Just focusing on the stuff you failed to do is demotivating. What can you do TODAY? If you can't do anything - that's okay too. Can you send a text? Can you send a discord?
Start building up your small wins.
3.3 - Your mind will have all kinds of judgements, but let them come. One step at a time. This is THE scientific process of how its done and how therapists can make someone walk again.
Stay in the present. Stop always living in the future.
3.4 - It doesn't always have to be action at the start, it can also be learning (but don't use this a crutch tbh - personal opinion, not from Dr.K's video)
3.5 - Check out the Discord Sandbox on healthygamer discord to practice socializing. With focused intention.
3.6 - It just requires focused practice + guidance.
3.7 - Don't give up, just do it differently. (paraphrased edison quote from me -- I discovered 9999 ways not to build a lightbulb, ie - it just needs to click once and keep trying till it does)
4. What happens in a social scenario?
4.1 - You spend all your time on your phone for example and you eventually train your brain this environment sucks. So when you enter the new environment - surge of emotions comes up.
Makes it feel like you only have two choices - Suffer or Give Up.
4.2 - Let those emotions come out with therapy, meditation, walks, other positive activities. It's a necessary step to healing.
CHATTER QUESTIONS
////////////////////////////////
5. Dr.K answers chatters question/parenting course (about halfway through environment section). Not fully relevant to topic at hand so I'm not gonna write that out.
6. Is being a 25yo Loner ok? Yes its okay AND you should do something about it.
7. What happens if nobody responds? Completely irrelevant. Stop accepting responsibility for the behavior of another. Let's move on. Does not matter at all.
8. It just takes commitment -- 99% right. But there is no such thing as commitment, its just today (hinting at staying in the present moment).
9. Improving social skills w/ clinical social anxiety? - Get treatment , you have to start here. But its not a substitute for 10y of atrophied social skills. You might need actual rehab.
10. What if you feel you have nothing to say? - Watch interviews from Dr.K , you'll notice he doesn't say much in the first 30 mins. You can just ASK others and be willing to listen.
Use it as an opportunity to learn from others too (possibly).
11. Too late to socialize at 31? It's never too late. It will be rough/feel outta place - but its never too late. It's just a feeling, not a truth.
And that's a wrap. Hopefully this helped someone out.
Did help me out, thank you
@@zappuccino Glad to hear it!
god bless you thank you
@@pallaviiii3 anytime!
thanks homie
When I was 25 I felt like a loser so I made an effort to make friends and keep in contact. I got a wide social circle and was busy every weekend visiting different people which went on for like 5 years. I hit a bad wave of depression and I just wanted a friend to visit me so I wasn't alone, even a future date would give me something to look forward to. I called 30 people I considered my friends and they all had the same answer, "You can visit me but I won't visit you." One person agreed to visit me and that's the only thing that kept me from killing myself that night. At least I know I won't need a large funeral now.
I think the problem with that situation is that you were seeking friendships just so that you wouldn't feel alone rather than forming those friendships naturally and keeping them because you actually found value in them. Maybe there was an element of desperation to prove to others or to reassure yourself that you weren't alone and that you have worth but the problem there is that a lot of people will end up just using you because you're there for them whether they care for you or not and it becomes a toxic relation where you're doing your best just hoping they give back without realizing that maybe they don't value you or they're just looking to use you or they see the desperation and don't respect that, etc. There's a lot of shitty people out there that, even when you do everything for them, they only know how to take without giving anything back and they don't care to change or think they're doing something wrong or that you deserve better. Friendships, true friendships, like any healthy relationship, is give and take. Don't expose yourself to harm in doing everything for someone who doesn't appreciate or does anything for you, you deserve love and kindness in return. Now, I only know what you said here, maybe 1/2 of those friends just didn't have the time or were frustrated with something in their lives and they didn't support you in the best way when you needed it most without meaning it. I obviously can't say but I'd like to just leave that idea here in case someone else did care but didn't show it correctly though, of course, you're the one who will be able to determine that and if it is indeed the case they didn't care then move on and focus on more important things. It sucks that you went through that but on the positive side, you found out about at least 1 good friend and it's impressive that despite feeling the way you were feeling you still took action in making that many friendships to deal with your emotional turmoils. They weren't good friends but that speaks to your attitude in dealing with problems and shows that you're quite capable of socializing, you just need to be more judgmental in the friends you make and focus more in quality over quantity but I'm sure you'll get through this! Best of luck and don't give up! ❤💪
@@ITBahren Honestly it was more to see if I could find happiness in it because others do. I'm an introvert and it wasn't worth it. I had only 4 I considered best friends that I had prior, and the fact others didn't help was what hurt the most. Even worse I was honest with them and said I was in a major depressive episode, and wanted someone to visit me and give me a hug in the next month or so because they would really cheer me up. I'll admit the majority of the others were more shallow but I expected statistically someone has to be available to hang out with that many.
@blackkittycat15 Oh, my bad, I think I misread "loser" as "loner", probably because that's what the video is about 😅 sorry for not having understood what you said quite right though it kind of feels similar still, but, at the end of the day, we're all just trying to be happy really, that's what matters most.
I can relate to feeling like you need to be extroverted to be accepted or to fit in or to truly be happy or whatever since a lot of society is extroverted too. As such, they will pressure you to be the same or you yourself will feel out of place but, the only way you'll achieve happiness is being true to yourself. There's nothing wrong with being introverted or having a small number of friends, as long as they're true friends and you're happy that's all that matters and to be honest, I don't think it's ever a good thing to have a huge amount of friends, extroverted or not, there's only so much time you have for each person, you need time too for reflection, rest, personal development, etc., when you're having to divide time over that many people it's just inevitable that most of those "friendships", if not all sometimes, will suck, and in not having time for you, you stop valuing yourself which will also result in worse friendships and feeling more negative emotions overall.
Also, 4 best friends already feels like more than enough for me, I have 2 best friends and I'd be happy having just 1 of either of them. They care for me, they challenge me, they're there when I need them and I can show my vulnerabilities to them without judgement. Having 1 person like that in your life is already gift enough, I don't need more friends beyond that but if more come along I'm happy to have them of course, so long as they deserve to be called friends, i.e. they respect and care for me
It sucks they left you like that, those aren't friends, especially considering you were ok for them to visit you within a whole month.. Hopefully you're doing better now but if not and you need someone to talk to about it you can tell me if you feel comfortable.
I know I'm a stranger and this may not mean much but I'm sending a virtual hug your way 🫂
@@ITBahren Even taking the time to read and type responses gives me hope there are still good people in the world. Thank you.
@@blackkittycat15 I meant to reply sooner but life got in the way for a sec.
I'm happy to know I could make a difference ^^
I get how it feels sometimes like the whole world is against you, I myself don't like people (generally speaking) so I've been through that struggle quite a bit (in the past but even now as well) but there are good people in the world, I promise, and when it doesn't seem that way, there's something I like to focus on, I try to be the best that I can be, if for nothing else, to prove to myself that there are indeed good people in the world. As long as I go on doing my best to be a good person I know it's not impossible for other people to do the same, even if that's a minority. I can live a little more happy knowing the world I inhabit isn't devoid of kindness or integrity or any of the things that makes anyone a good person.
That is not to say I'm perfect, I certainly made mistakes and I'm always open to criticism and finding flaws in myself but regardless, that's what I try to aim for, no matter how much I fail along the way, and now I have very good friends with me that reassure me that I was right all along to think this way and that's what matters most in the end.
You're welcome ^^
25 is about the age when I realized just sitting around and waiting for social opportunities to come my way was no longer working. Your social life (especially as an aging man) is your responsibility.
You need to step out of your comfort zone or you'll head nowhere in life.
@@ziudra91 Growth is realized between the land of fear and uncomfortability.
took me till 27 to realize this. How can I be sad about other people not reaching out to me when I never reach out to people. I gotta change my own perspective before I expect others to start inviting me to things or start talking to me. There's so many people like me who feel lonely and nobody is messaging them/inviting them, sometimes YOU gotta be that person.
@@koolkat123 I agree and I think it is also important to find some kind of balance of reaching out between you and friends once you have somehow consistent contact, because it is a two way street and the last thing you want to do is to "carry" the relationship when you are the only one making the effort, only to be left disappointed again
My responsibility sure but it's never a guaranteed outcome. Try to make friends since leaving the army in 2018 but nothing ever lasts more than a week because either people don't want to put in effort or us grown folks just have too many issues to make time for friends.
"Have your parents sat you down to say you seem kind of lonely"
Yeah, in their own way, which sounds to the outside observer as "you need to get a job and find a girlfriend is this really what you've chosen for yourself"
I've been thinking lately, that a lot of older folks generally have advice like "just do the thing". Just get a job, just get a girlfriend, just make friends and connections, and so on. I think anyone is guilty of it - taking for granted the situations and circumstance that people have to be in to be successful at these things - but there's another layer here. As far as generations go, there's some things that come very easy to our parents, like finding a job, buying a house, raising a family, and so on. There's a lot of institutional barriers to the coming generations for this for sure, and it comes with a lot of added complexity. As an example, many older folks could get pretty much any job and use it to pay for college or buy a house and car. These days, many people have to hold multiple jobs just to survive, and you can forget about owning a home or starting a family unless your household income clears six figures. Meanwhile, wages stagnate and the price of everything is just through the roof. How can anyone even try to make friends when they're so anxious about how they're paying the next month's rent?
My parents never told me this. Any problem I have, they just sweep under the rug, meanwhile I'm getting put over on a daily basis
This. My parents were like “look at you, you’re a fucking loner, if you don’t fix this you’ll be alone forever”
How do they know this? Because they didn’t interact as kids and now they have no friends. Now they’ve told me their life experience and are all proud of themselves. Except they have no idea how to make friends and now every year they get to say “I told you so”
boomers really have it easy when it comes to generational gaps. they never have to deal with the conflict of values caused due to technological progression
@@crumbtember kn
Can't believe this is from a stream. This is better than somebody scripting a lecture for weeks.
Thank you, this helps a lot!
Glad it helps! There was *some* scripting lol
Well I mean obvioulsy you sometimes gotta prepare if you want to share some valuable information to help others
@@hunteractually3637 Thank you, captain obvious.
@@artfx9 what are you so mad at? Dude, chill.
@@levi_exiled8579 what's with the Jordan Peterson hate?
They're both pretty wise, intellectual dudes...
“there is no such thing as friends in this world, they don’t exist”.
That sentence is one of my earliest memories and one of the only things I remember my father drilling into my head throughout my childhood. I don’t know how to maintain friendships, let alone a romantic relationship. I feel like I’m rebuilding myself from scratch and it’s exhausting, no guidance, no love. In a way these videos help me build myself into the type of person I want to be.
I resonate with this.
Even in death my father stands proven wrong. When the supposed "caretaker" of my life left me without anything but the grace of my mother and the advice that "no one will help you in this world especially 'friends'"
It was my best friend since primary school who supported me mentally and financially when I had no direction in life or any place to belong to. Granted he is more affluent than the next guy but he did it nonetheless and never stopped doing so for more than 10years now even tho I can take care of my own and even tho I am faulty for not maintaining one of the most important relationships of my life. I learn from him everyday, how to and how not to treat people. He inspires me to become greater than myself and relies on me whenever he has the chance to. He is far from a good person but the guy has welcomed me with a big hug after I have not said a word to him in 7years to this day I don’t know how he could find it in his heart to do that.
My father always doubted our friendship and told me how it will crumble once money and problems are involved.
I won’t curse the dead but after all this time and trouble I caused for my friend, my father would deserve it for insulting my brother like that. Without being dramatic, my brother has probably done more for me than my dad ever did or I ever did for any of them. And my Brother did all that while setting me on equal footing with himself in stark contrast to my father. Even though he was in a 100% leverage position just like my father was. Here you can see how two different people look at and handle a situation differently.
Edit:
God bless his soul and let his family prosper! R.I.P Daddy, sorry to say but you were not it you tried tho.
@@Musikmaker658 Damn bro I get where you’re coming from. I’m glad you have two men like that in your life. Makes me happy that you have the self awareness to realize your shortcomings but based on the fact that you’re watching this video and sharing your thoughts, it sounds like you’re trying to better yourself and become a better man. The fact that you’re learning from these two people in your life also shows your maturity and desire to grow. We will sculpt ourselves and be the men we envision ourselves to be sooner rather than later. Your story was encouraging thank you for sharing. Wish you the best on your journey.
@@Raheem0177 Right back at you. Nice words from you, your journey shall be blessed by one more person as well ❤️
People with such self-serving views often like to pass the pain forward, until that pain collapses on top of someone else. They made the system do the caring of others for themselves while often taking credit for the help. And then they kept making lies to convince us that this is how the world is.
There is no line that could summarize my feeling of betrayal, the grief that grasped and burdened my life for as far as I remember... _No matter how tender, how exquisite, a lie will remain a lie!_
I feel you. My parent have no friends and only talk to each other, like they dont really talk to other relatives. When i was sad for having no friends in middle school they just told me it is fine, cause “you see, we dont have friends and we’re fine!”
"What you control is your actions, not the outcome of your actions."
Inspiring quote, Dr K.
AYOO
Beautiful stuff from ancient philosophies, but the world is changing for sure and making things quite difficult. We need to engineer social solutions in tandem with building awareness.
@@Riorozen it's true tho. the reason why people are miserable is mostly tied with their environment. and yes we SHOULD actively strive to create a better and more suitable world for ourselves. social reforms and programs change many peoples lives.
@@travisbickle3835uh no what we need is a good therapist free for everyone..literally everyone needs someone to deeply talk to that will listen and is neutral. Someone that needs help with most their problems and realised who they are and what they want. Most people don't actively think everyday in their kind about their purpose or even themselves. Many doors are left shut in and you don't even realize it until it's too late. What we need is mental health taken seriously. many people don't get therapy because of ego issues or believe they "aren't sick" in the head when therapy isn't that. People with purpose and ambitions will hardly fail in life. And when they do accomplish their dreams they have a high chance of joy
Your a loner cu you don't have your life together if you had a good job plenty of money a nice car and house and a good hobby you'd have no problems finding friends people would naturally gravitate to your happiness and success. Focus on you and becoming the best version of you that you can be it's starts inside stop looking for excuses and look internally
I swear Doctor K is the demon/monster/shadow thing in my sleep paralysis watching me at night and the next day makes a video about what I was dreaming/overthrowing about at night.
This is such a good comment 😂
Lmaoo
No, he the god that controlls probability
My problem is that I easily make friends but my anxiety convinces me that they just pity me and I just phase myself out of their lives.
You’re not alone. I haven’t been in touch with my friends because of how bad my anxiety is i don’t want to detriment their success with my sadness.
Same, but I really do think they just pity me.
Same, except it's because I procrastinate on replying to texts bc anxiety, then I convince myself that they're tired of me and my inconsistent replies, so I just disappear for good 🙃
@@youraverageviewer9546 FELT. THAT. 😭
@@youraverageviewer9546 You nailed it with this comment 👌:/
I'm almost 28 and it does gradually slip away from you the way he explains. Alot of it, there's nothing you can do to stop it. In my early 20s I was able to keep up with most of my high-school friends. Then one left the state, and another. Then for me it was myocarditis at 23, requiring a heart transplant a year later. In that time 2 more friends left the area, another one died from cancer. Before you know it, half of them are gone, the rest of them got involved with girls, had kids, now they work 2 jobs trying to stay afloat and a re so busy that you can never get them out to hang out with. I'm a runner and biker and it's pretty bad when you go out for a ride on a well known trail on a sunny day and there's nobody out there but old couples that are 40 years your senior. I work in a foundry with 200 other people, alot of them under 30 and I get along well with almost all of them. But for some reason they just don't become anything like the friends you had from childhood, you never get to that level of trust with them. The generation coming g up will be worse, there's a 19 year old I was training and his social life is basically where mine is, but he got there 9 years sooner. Do your best to keep your friends, but don't be surprised when it ends.
I'm actually 21 but I don't feel like arguing so I guess I'm 25 now.
Happy Birthday
ha
yeah its like being 21 but for four more years
Happy leap year
@@cory99998 so freaking accurate
Re: social skills - my parents never taught me anything on making friends. Since I was precociously intelligent I guess they assumed I would just figure it out. I eventually did, but not til my late 20s. But looking back I realize, they didn't have a lot of friends themselves. In fact, they didn't even really like a lot of people, not even family. I was never given these skills, _because they did not have the skills either._
Your comment hit the nail on the head for me. My parents are both fairly introverted people. They have a few friends, but not many. They don't go out to socialize or hang out with people, and 5-7 days a week stay indoors after work. For me, I always wondered why I found it so difficult to make friends, but it's starting to make sense now.
same for me, i thought all "older" ppl were the same, like my parents, just working and then staying home doing absolutely nothing
of course i didnt have many friends or anything outside school, they have no one too, my school friends also made friendships with sons of ALL their parents friends, they did stuff since they were kids etc, all I could do is stay home with my parents cuz they re the older version of the 25 yr old loner, and never managed to get out of it
This! It's so weird because at least one grandparent on either side was well adjusted. I'm happy to say that I'm learning to appreciate social situations (especially thanks too the pandemic), but the more I learn the more I see how isolated my parents are and it makes me feel really bad for them :-( I hope they _live_ more once they retire
This is it. Once I get a job after graduating I will try to get help or start trying to "learn to swim alone". The exact same situation as you describe. They dont even see anything wrong with it, yet every day Im more aware of their strange take on social interacctions and behaviours, clearly things I dont want to pick up. I see I have inherited other flaws from them, and Im trying to fix them but it is still very awkward to speak to people at uni, I dont think I can graduate and focus my attention on socialicing at the same time without breaking so i guess I will take small steps until fgraduation then focuus on that while finding a job and moving out asap, so I can start building my own life and social circles.
@@jessbcva same fr
I don't know if I'm just projecting my own difficulties with people, but I feel like to an extent EVERYONE is afraid of each other these days. I noticed it more after I started going to a gym, absolutely no one wants to interact with each other! I'm not even talking in the sense of people worried about relationship stuff or anything, it's like we're ALL afraid that everyone's judging us specifically, so everyone's all standoff-ish, but as a result we're all afraid of these people who just look glum and won't say anything.
I've thunk the same and it was already happening before covid. Most people seem very closed off. Just look at video footage from 30-100 years ago of people interacting with each other, its way different vibes.
It's the smartphone problem. Everybody has a camera and social media. You don't want to risk doing anything that could even be perceived as wrong out of context or else you could go viral. That fear of shame has the current generation crippled, exacerbated by the excessive shame which lots of people seem to have gotten from their families nowadays. There's so much internalized toxicity nowadays, and I'm glad people like Dr K are helping heal it.
Yeah, Im not keen on listening to bragging of dudebros at the gym who tell me that "the day will come when you yaddayaddayadda...". or who make fun of me until I snap and end up in jail. Same with women. I dont want a woman as a band aid to fix my life. Hell, they want a successful guy who has his shit together; and Im not gonna let the world and its stupid ideals and hopes fuck me over again just to please some naive, oversocial society-girls. Id rather be called a loser.
@@menschgebliebenergossenpar9213 see that's the thing, I worry that every interaction might end up that way, so I never interact with people and there's no possibility of actually making a good connection, and I think literally everyone has that same fear
Facts facts facts facts facts facts facts, get 20 people in a room and most will be insecure in some way or another, some can hide it very well, others not so much, but give everyone a beer and the veil starts to lift, authenticity starts to leak out
I really don't condone using any substance as a tool to overcome mental battles but, imo, this just shows the majority of people do have a safeguard up in some way or another
There's a significant chunk of social experience missing from my life. i was overweight and socially awkward for almost my entire teen years and thus never went to parties, never had an interest in girls, never had a gf, never got into trouble and only hung out with other 'outcasts'. It feels like there's been too much damage done and it feels impossible to fix now
I know what you mean, brother. I'm in the same boat.
Just try anyway. I know you don’t want to hear that because I don’t want to hear itr but it’s all we can do. Look you’re here so you are on the right path
one day at a time
its absolutely not impossible. i understand where you're coming from and relate, however, you have to understand that you are responsible for 50% of the things that happen in your life, the things that are in your control. so take control, work on yourself, but more importantly, understand that you will get everything you want and need, as long as you believe in yourself and make an effort. i did that, and it changed my life. not giving into doomer beliefs and making an effort and caring is legit the best thing you will ever do.
I've had gfs and dates in what I feel was too late a point in life later 20's and it didn't change much they honestly brought more stress
The stroke patients part really got to me. I am a 25 yo loner at this point, and in the past I've had a massive trauma - I broke my back and legs and basically my entire lower body. I couldn't even sit for months. And guess what I did? I started to slowly try. I cried in pain after every "training" session, I cried in misery and hopelessness every time I failed to sit or stand or walk. I thought to myself, every day, that I should've been dead and I will never be a normal person again. But after a year, I could walk on my own legs without any support. Now, 3 years later, I'm fully back in form. Sure, I still have back pains, and I'm not stretchy in places, but the distance I went, the amount of work I was able to do is amazing. Thank you for reminding me that I'm stronger than I think
My goodness, you are tough as hell for that, and I feel really damn proud of you
You are so strong. Makes my small struggles feel laughable.. I hope I can be that strong when life hits hard the next time.
All the best to you.
This is the type of good shit that motivates people like y'all (don't really relate but I do understand) to realise that there's so much more to life than the pattern of success.
you dropped this 👑
be;oeve om jesus
Takeaways:
→ Most people are not taught social skills.
→ There is no such thing as a loser, its only a product of circumstances.
→ It’s not your fault that your here but its your responsibility do something.
→ Blame yourself for some of it not all of it.
→ Responsibility is what you can do and not what you should do.
→ Be aware of the demotivation from the people around you.
→ Learn to process your negative emotions in a safe way.
→ Treatment of parent’s anxiety can help child’s problems.
→ You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior but there can be a learning there.
→ Commitment is what you can do today?
Thanks man. The point of blaming yourself in a healthy amount struck a cord with me.
Awesome notes 📝 ty for sharing them with us!
Thanks bro.
Thank You!
Socializing is overrated. You feel more pain around people than being alone. I'm honestly used to being by myself, I still feel pain, but it's better than an human being stabbing you behind the back.
Literally had a dream last night where I was surrounded by friends and having a great time. Then I woke and felt extremely sad, like it hit like a truck. Thank you Doctor K for your videos that always seem to come at the right time!
We must have had the same dream. My dream last night was exactly like this. Although I have "friends" I don't consider them real friends because I know inside that they don't really respect me, but they still invite me to parties so at least I get to talk to people.
Must have been tough, hope you’re doing alright!
@@saedt I’m doing fine, but man that felt like a huge wake up call. It’s like my subconscious decided that subtle hints weren’t working. So it suckered punch me instead!
truck is an understatement, more like the jumbo russian cargo plane going at full speed
@@91722854 Your comment was specific I looked up Russian jumbo planes to see how heavy they were. And yep you are right 👍
Honestly, i just gave up since i used to put in all the work but never ever really got anything out of it. Only when i let myself be the butt of the joke people seem to like me and i'm done with that. I feel lonelier with other people around. The constant repeating conversations just tire me out.
Let's be friend
This is literally me. The parenting thing is so true. I would not even consider my parents to be my parents. My father and mother sure, but besides that they were more financial benefactors. I think I've had like 3 conversations with my dad my whole life and my mother went from the most absent to the most obnoxious person ever. Our dog probably new all of us better than we did each other.
this is so me. not only do i not talk to my parent's but i also cant stand them. they gave me a decent life but i rather open up to a Stanger than them
@@assassinssubject17 Welcome to the club. I just feel like they didn’t want me to make it.
Same man. My parents aren't even bad people by any means and I had a good childhood. Now they just feel like familiar strangers if that makes any sense.
@@nairza I know exactly how you feel lol
I kind of feel the same because I love my parents but it takes tremendous pressure for me to open up to them about anything.
Hearing that you had a rough time through college and after and started med school at 28 was actually so comforting. I'm in the same position, finally getting into school for my career at 28 years old. Seeing someone I really look up to like you having a later start than others and going through it is so reassuring. All your videos have helped me so much.
You got this, the average of my community college is 33….. Plenty of people don’t start at 18 and I believe that’s often for the better.
@@anonymous108 I agree--a later start would be better for most people!
I’m happy I am not alone in attending college later. Society has somehow always thought 18 was the right age to start college but this isn’t the case for many people.
Careful watching things like this and finding it comforting or motivating. Ask yourself if there's any way that YOU could graduate from undergrad with a 2.4GPA, somehow manage to have a practice with actual clients despite that, then somehow get into Harvard. Based on my life's difficulty setting and my luck, there's not a chance in hell any of that would happen. So, if luck is on your side and things tend to go well for you, by all means see this as motivating. If not, it will likely just give you false hope and make you feel worse in the long run.
Not trying to be a downer, just a realist.
Same situation I'm in! 😊
I used to be a decent student, 70s 80s. There is this one time i got 97 and i showed it to my dad, i was lectured for 2 hours about how he once got 105 and left me with no complement or even a 'good'. Ever since that day, i'm just a pass student. Until today and i'm one of the walking example of this 25 year old loner. Not only that, i got no motivation to fix it at all. It is what it is, as long as i have money, our modern technology is good enough for people to live alone for the rest of their life. For me, it doesn't matter if it collapse or worse anymore.
Shit, same here. I’d be an A or high B student in elementary but my mom would always compare me to other students in my class that would get higher grades.
I got a perfect on a test once and knew my mom couldn’t refute that until she said that they probably got bonus marks from somewhere. My motivation left me quickly afterwards.
@@ramirolucchesi8096 just my 2 cents: Dr.K’s videos are interesting and his voice is nice to just listen to in the background. Plus, people seek out videos like this for confirmation bias all the time
@@ramirolucchesi8096 videos are entertainment. People need to realize that you're not gonna fix your life by watching TH-cam videos. Sometimes it just is what it is.
How would you feel if you succeeded in your life, and saw the reaction on his dumb face? Just imagine vividly for a minute. Start living for that.
Sounds like you’re just blaming your dad for your own failures but whatever let’s you sleep through the night, bud. If your dad not complimenting you one time caused you this much despair, then you were a loser long before he had anything to do with it.
Recently turned 25, never have been in a relationship, almost no friends, ready to watch the video to see how screwed I am 😅
Thank you to the editors for not editing out every pause while Dr. K speaks. I really appreciate the change back, it's a lot easier to listen to Dr. K like this with his natural pauses
I agree 100%
Pauses in conversation are important.
Editing out natural pauses is a symptom of today's ADHD culture where everybody's attention spans are shortened with high-speed personally targeted short-form content to the point that some of them really get ADHD symptoms and are given amphetamines by their doctors for it.
"Have your parents sat you down to say you seem kind of lonely".
Some parents secretly like that `failure to launch` makes you more codependent and gives them more power over you. They'll piss and moan about you not having your act straight but the worst thing you can do to them is actually get your life right and leave them without a punching bag.
oof that's real in my case. It's a power dynamic thing. If you have no confidence in yourself and consequently can't do things for yourself, then you have no choice but to be a people pleaser to them. Start standing up for yourself and doing things your way, and they want to tear you down because how will they feel powerful now?
It's the same dynamic as karens to service workers; gotta be derogatory to people who have no choice but to bend over backwards for them to get that kick of feeling powerful
100% this. That’s how my parents are. Along with abuse, manipulation, and actively stifling my ability to live on my own. They slipped up once and said that they wanted me to take care of them
Until they die. Not caring about what happens to me, only themselves. I now have moved to a different state and do not talk to them. Not there emotional punching bag anymore. It’s time to build up my self esteem, my confidence, my credit. Everything.
Oooooh excuse me for the long read LOL, bibles ftw
I can relate, but idk if they manipulated me. My mom uses my dad, he is a people pleaser who lives with my mom now because my mom has cancer and a lung dissease. She cant do anything but lay in bed. My dads life gone away, especially now. My mother is afraid to be alone now cuz panic attacks, and my dad can only go to work. He doesnt go to friends because else my mom is alone for too long. Sometimes he asks me if i would go to my mom so he can go to his friends for once. When he is at my place, he goes after 15 mins because my mom is alone etc. Even is sometimes afriad to go outdoors only when he has to do something thats needed to be done.
Whenever he asks me to go to my mom, we get a argument that i dont want to do this because i think its not right. And i have my own life. And i am like your doing this now for a whole year? He was like nobody helps me, and im like well, its your choice to do that you couldve said no. He ussually becomes mad after i said that.
I Was like nursing home? Both were like hell nah. Moms dieing, and my dad wants her to have a good life. If this sittuation is for lets say 6 months then it seems fair, but if it keeps on dragging. Then idk. My mom is sweet but can be manipulative and has a good heart tho.
So you could say that i am a people pleaser aswell, and sometimes i use people because i am scared, im growing slowly away from it tho. Yep, i got it from them, and they got it from their parents.
@@ZombieaidZ Im really glad you took the step to break contact, i hope its working for you. I broke contact with my mom once. She never saw it comming. we didnt have contact for 4/5 months. But for me it was Cope, and a bit about what you are saying. I have contact with her now, its going ok. But secretly i am just waiting because im a coward.
💯💯💯💯💯 Or maintains status quo so they dont have to think about life changing, they don't have to adjust themselves, they still have a "baby" so THEY can feel like more of a competent adult, etc
When you said "I realize its not my fault but it is absolutely my responsibility" I started cheering in my home office. That is such a valuable lesson, and a critical one to avoid falling into the pitfalls of scapegoating and joining these cult like groups that tell you a singular entity or event is responsible for all your suffering.
or sharp in the other direction, where you say "my actions are my responsibility, there's nobody to be angry at other than myself" and look at their entire life, deciding its easier to just take their own than live another day like that
Sometimes monsters can make life worse, it's true, but it's not a singular entity.
I watched this video when it first came out and I was 23. I remember thinking at the time how I have two more years to get my life together as this video very much applied to me.
I just turned 25 a week ago and am now rewatching this video and very little has changed... I'm afraid I'll always be this way now and I have so little hope or motivation to change my situation, just like two years prior.
I don't usually ever comment like this because it feels like I'm begging for attention or pity. Now that I'm writing this I worry people think the same for just even writing that I feel that way...
All that being said and I know this is such an overused phrase and cliche but you guys who are in the same boat are truly not alone... Someway, somehow, we'll get through this and I have to believe that because it's the only way anything will ever change.
If you read all of this, thank you, and thank you Dr. k for the helpful advice over the years even if I don't apply it.
Man, the part about no one teaching you is so true. It just robs you of confidence and knowledge. My dad didn't care, and my mom did 90% of things for me.
Birthdays really were an issue, so much so that I told my parents I wanted to no longer have them when I was like 8.
Talking to cousins and so forth was also an issue. Everything was always handled by parents. I was never told to call my cousins or talk to them outside of holidays. I was not given the tools to do so (phone numbers or addresses). I internalized our family meetups as largely annoying affairs where I was expected to be chummy with people I never otherwise talked to.
99% me
This sounds so familiar to me
Yup, this was also my experience. Didn't help that I lived multiple states away from any extended family members.
Also, my mother forbade me from just "showing up" at my friend's houses and asking if we could play. I had to pre-arrange with both her and my friend's parents that it would be okay for us to play days in advance. Now I feel super awkward and uncomfortable spending time with people unless we are participating in some kind of activity, and I suck at casual conversation.
My dad was never there for me as a night worker, my mom 9/10 did things I didn't want to do, my brother pretty much ignored me by the time I entered puberty, and I was homeschooled up until my high school graduation two years ago. I pretty much haven't had a stable friendship since I was 11, and the rest have been online.
I'm pretty close to the 25 year old in that meme.
I relate to most, especially the part about birthday parties. In my case my parents even told me not to go there because i would have had to bring a present (thus spending money that could have been used otherwise). So they basically thought me to keep everything for myself... being an only child didn't help either. Needless to say, i am now quite awkward socially...
Feels sadly comforting how accurate this is and shows where as a society we are headed
I am definitely not 25 but this discussion feels very close to home. I am 29 and i definitely felt like my elementary and middle school years were the best years of my life. My life after high school went downhill from there. I am working and attending college but I didn’t finish college at 22 like most people do and I never had a girlfriend though not having one pains me every day.
im 22 brotha and it pains me too how have you held this pain for so long i wish you the best of luck
I was in a 4 and half year relationship, I was 16 when it started. And I wish I never ever got into it with her... she completely messed up my head when it comes to dating. Everytime I think about approaching women I just think about what she had done to me and it puts me off. I've been single now for over 3 years and I haven't had any sex for over a year. Literally because I don't want anything to do with women anymore everywhere I look or go they seem to be so toxic
Same man. I miss high school so fucking much. I had so much damn fun hanging out with the boys and playing football. Now I have no boys, I have nobody.
im 22 atm and never had a gf. I don't even approach girls because I have nothing to say (literally nothing comes to my mind to talk to) and I feel like they won't like me so I don't even try. Plus i have a stuttering problem and that makes it harder too. Its really frustrating.
High school and college were the toughest times in my life. I struggled in school and never had a girlfriend that time. I really wanted a girlfriend so bad that time. I got rejected countless times in person and online. As I got older, girls started to at least date me, but they still kept ghosting me after a few dates. I thought about getting a luxury car to replace my Camry that I inherited from my parents. I was already working, but I wanted to save up to buy a house, which I eventually did, instead of blowing it on a car. Somehow, I found a girl who finally stayed with me by the time I was in my late 20s and she became my girlfriend. I guess as men get older, they become more desirable.
hey dr. Alok, if your reading this I just genuinely want to thank you. After watching a couple of your videos and getting to know what your about its all become clear to me. clear to me about a couple things really starting with your genuine desire to help people and your videos clearly reflect this. Your always honest with your audience, you don't incriminate them or try to scare them of themselves you simply do your best to tell them where they are and point them towards where they want to be.
To be personal for a moment, I grew up in a family of nurses. my mum was one before she retired for medical reasons, my sister always wanted to be one and in particular my dad was a psychiatric nurse. while I didn't want to be one I thought that if I was ever having mental health issues my dad was definitely someone I could turn to and ... oh boy how wrong I was. As soon as I told him and the rest of my family about the depressive thoughts I was having due to constant bullying and segregation I was facing it turned bad quickly. It was never "Im sorry to hear that" or "is there anything i can do to help" what it was is "YOU'RE FINE, SAY YOUR FINE" and "YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FORGRANTED". To this day I've never really been able to share my true thoughts and opinions with them to any meaningful acknowledgement, I may not ever.
Watching your video has made me more self aware of who I am, where I am and the things I CAN do with my life. I know all may not see it this way but what I wanna say at the end of this for lack of a better term you truly are doing "gods work" and that work is doing ffaaarrr more good than you may ever realise. please keep doing what you do and thank you for doing it!
As an 18 year old loner I can relate to this video a lot. Whenever I try to hang out with people my age I feel out of place and like they’re only talking to me out of pity or because they have to. I was trying to look for a way out for a very long time and didn’t know where to start. This video helped me narrow down where to start. I always used to blame myself for my social blunders but it’s comforting to see that others also struggle with the same things I do and there are people out there willing to help.
Dont feel bad. Most people are shallow and boring af.
They lead very little lives and are concerned and obsessed about all these meaningless little things that they just cant stop talking about.
Every time I meet ppl of my age, all they want is fu** chicks, drink as much alcohol as they can survive and smoke the most fu**ed up stuff that doesnt get them killed instantly.
And then they talk about how to get all of that in the cheapest way possible and without waking up in a prison cell.
The older generations talking about their dogs not eating the new food, their latest vacation and how bad the traffic was on the way back home or they try to talk about sports or some other thing I never cared once about in my entire life.
And at some point 'I guess I just stopped caring about what everyone else thinks when I always only listen and nod and rarely tell them about anything that wouldn't be work related.
They wouldn't understand and maybe they would be bored by me.
So why bother?
Get yourself some introverted girl that shares at least one passion of yours, keep in contact with your actual family and that's all you actually need in life.
I am 25 now and when I was your age I was just entering college. I was very much a loner who didn't mind being alone as I had specific goals in mind and I was introverted. However, by starting with small interactions with one person in a group, if the synergy is good enough you'll get absorbed into the entirety of the group if your chemistry is positive with most of the people in said group.
I could not relate to anyone that was in my classes in high school and all the people I had made friends with then were always in different classes/sports. But once I had my freedom I was able to flourish, meet new people that I related to, and start relationships.
I think going to events and being in the vicinity of hangout spots is a good way to find a like-minded group. I met a lot of my friends in the gaming club where local tournaments were hosted and after 6-7 years I still talk and play games with those people. Condition yourself to be unafraid of failure if you can and reach out for people with the same interests as you, the rest will be histroy.
25 yo girl here, everything in this video is exactly me. the rest of my life is kind of going well, i have a job, i'll soon have an appartment, but i'm completely failing at the human part of life. i have no one outside of my family circle, i ended up in a workplace where we're only 3 and the 2 other workers are much older than me. and even if i try to go somewhere to meet people... it's like people always know each other already and i'm the only stranger. haven't had a friend for 6 years and the last one was a fake one anyway. ngl it's tough
nothings tough, ukraine is tough. just stop thinking negative about your character, if you see loneliness as a sickness take a look on all the videos how awesome lonely people can actually be. you don't have to change, just to meet the standards somebody else made up and couldn't give to everybody.
@Pablo Steuer Hmmm I don't think I see belittling and invalidating others on the "helpful tips" list, also just because people decide to murder each other over lines drawn by politicians doesn't mean being a good person isn't tough, it means it's easier to function when all you have to think about are staying alive and killing others. I agree dont change for others, but what a wild start to a comment where I suppose you want to be helpful? Like "Some people are killing others, that's tough, not your life by comparison" and then you totally dismissed intimacy and it's effects on both longevity and mental health.
Hey, I'm 26 and in a similar situation... wanna be friends?
It IS tough. Tough to connect on a real, personal level with people today. I hear you. Hang in there though. Know why? Because you, are WAY tougher than this mean old world. Be bold! 👍
True human connection cannot happen if you are not happy with yourself. It sounds like you are focusing on the expectations of society. You and you alone can make yourself happy; it’s simply a matter of finding something to put your heart and soul into-doesn’t have to be a person.
Generation Z was not prepared for this social experiment ... social media, lack of third spaces & lack of real life communities, online dating butchered Gen Z so hard its sad.
😂.
Gen z is doing fine. Take care
@@Shaolin91zAre we? Are we really?
@@Shaolin91zno tf we’re not
@@Shaolin91zno, we are drowning. We have no structural support.
found the millennial
So when you said "do your parents even maintain relationships" it clicked hugely to me. My parents don't have any friends, well my father has a couple but it's not close friends at all, to be more precise my parents don't have a social circle. And i saw that my entire life. Little by little, the lack of social skills (not their fault btw i never stressed that as a problem so they never identified it as a problem) and me seeing my parents doing just fine without close social circles ingrained in my brain the idea of "i don't really need people" because i saw them doing just fine without it. Difference is, i'm a young 21yo man still in the process of adulting and they are full grown adults almost in their 50s with stable jobs and connections if they so need them, they just choose not to, but if they need someone, they have it.
I don't, but i didn't knew i'd need it eventually, so now i'm 21, single, have no real close friends aside from 1 who lives really far away and we can only meet like once a year, and i have no idea how to create and maintain relationships at all.
Also, the example of the kid with the great grade at the test, yeah that absolutely can destroy a person. No matter who you are, you always at least in childhood and early teenage expect your parents to praise you when you do good, and sometimes you even as an adult still value their opinion of you in high regards, when all your parents do is look at your seven mistakes out of the 93 times you succeded it can really be a low blow on your self esteem for life.
I relate, although my dad has many friends and is quite social, most of the time he is at work. BUT my mum basically has no friends, but she is the one I see the most, the one I am around the most.
It has many pros and cos to not having social circles my father also has no friends and I something feel like life shouldn’t be lived like that but social media generation is a different era altogether
thank you for not cutting out the pauses, it feels so much more like someone is talking to me rather than im watching a piece of 'content' this way. thank you for everything you do, you have helped me so much
Emotional neglect is at the root of the problem for me. Learning about it helped me understand why I ended up how I am.
Dito brother
I’m just finding out about all this and I’m so pissed lol
My parents NOT only didn’t teach me how to be social, but discouraged it! My mom always saw me socializing as a “flaw”, a waste of time, complained when I had a new friend, didn’t allow me to go out and told me I was misbehaving if I went out “too often” in her mind… no wonder why I have “loner” issues at my now almost 40 years old 😢
@overlordfemto7523 you dont get to tell people what they need and dont, you dont live their life.
😂 I've 10 years expereince being loner 😂 I don't know.. but I don't feel it's killing me at all. 😂 and I think I'll die alone as well 😂 and not sad for me at all. 😂 I think people r too annoying for me probably and that's the reason I like to be alone. 😂 but tho for me I have my plants and dogs with me . does they counted as company so I can't claim I'm ALONE THE WHOLE TIME😂
Yeah... the parent figure in my life would balk whenever I mention my sad state of social life, but would hate it whenever I try to ask for permission. 💀 I don't even stay out before 6. It sucks man.
At the same time, being a 40 year old and STILL blaming your life outcome on your parents is pathetic. Seriously man. Sorry that happened to you but cmon. Grow up and learn to become your own soul. Stop blaming life outcomes on your parents. What the hell have you been doing the past 20 years? Parents can’t tell you what friends you make in your 20s. Maybe this all is your fault honestly.
@@eun5150 sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself there buddy. I know your hurting bro just face it. It can keep better the first step is recognizing the problem. People are social creatures you can’t lie and say you’re fine being alone, it’s against human nature.
48 yrs old failure to launch guy here. Had a job for 15 years that I hated and not suited for. I got fired cause I sucked at it and new management wasn't haven't me. I work at UPS part time. I'm trying to be an artist on the side and I have made some progress but this is hard. I was always an outsider in school, and all throughout life, Definitely a loner. It doesn't get easier so fix it while you are 25.
That story of the kid with 97 marks hits too close to home.
I decided to stop caring about my parent's opinion on my studies after a similar incident happened to me , and it greatly improved my life.
It seems all we’ve got to remember is if/when we have kids, we praise them for their successes so the cycle doesn’t repeat itself.
It seems all we’ve got to remember is if/when we have kids, we praise them for their successes so the cycle doesn’t repeat itself.
You working for the Feds?
ikr
Nah, your player build is the current meta.
Glowing intensifies
It's natural bioluminescence alright, I wouldn't worry about it
Felt like he came at me directly 🙃
The philosophy of "start where you are" and "what can I do today?" has helped me so so much. I've had a lot of contact with professional mental health support and a lot of what was imparted to me boiled down in some way or another to that strategy.
For me, in a depressive episode, I know I can't simply overcome depression in a day - but what can I do today? Well maybe I can brush my teeth. If I'm lucky, maybe even have a shower. That's where it starts. You got this
Thank you, I needed this, 25 year old here experiencing this exact crisis. It’s extremely depressing and frustrating, however, this analysis has been somewhat soothing and helpful
I'm 28 and an immigrant to Canada from Vietnam. My older and younger sibling are both successful in culturally acceptable ways while I just devoted 11 years to being a top warlock in a game, which I eventually quit last year. It's all empty now. I work in a warehouse and have no friends. I just go in people's yt and twitch chats when I want to socialize. While it's better to be employed than not, I still deal with constant shame every holiday and family gathering as I get told to either go back to school or apply to jobs like engineer and doctor that I'm obviously not qualified for. And those are the family members who I still talk to. My parents are divorced, and I haven't seen most of my mom's family in six years. I deleted them on social media when they'd send me long bitchy walls of text about how I'm a loser, and that was that. 20 some years of knowing these people and that relationship is over.
I really don't care about getting close to people when it can just end at the snap of a finger. I guess I like having friends and family but not actually socializing with them.
You're still very young. I didn't start my career journey until I was in my 30s. I felt crippling shame for my lack of accomplishments for many years. Now I'm in my mid 40s and have financial success and a family. Forgive yourself, and take the time to make a plan for your future. Good luck!
What’s your parses scrublock
@@Goshujinsama01 I'm more of an RTS guy, but RTS turned into RSI :(
This channel is probably the only place ive found legit answers. You're doing some really good work here thanks
your content truly is a blessing for my generation, thank you
fact, we gotta be alert how the world change fast
no he doesn't
This video hit some core part of me through a wound I didn't think I had. I cried multiple times throughout this, but the thought of 'think and do the step you can do today,' I think that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.
I know it's 3 months later, but I hope you're still living in the moment! just keep it up :]
@john.dough. There's ups and downs. I made a rash decision to quit my job, turned out to be a good idea. If all goes well in the following month, I think I could officially say that things are good. Life is chaotic, man.
I’m a 27 year old loner with some friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’m a virgin. I feel far behind and overwhelmed but I think I can maybe get out of this. I’ve always been way better at academic stuff than social. Dr. K brings up so many childhood memories it hurts. I wish virgin didn’t have such a negative meaning for men.
Hey Chip, I'm in a similar place, though I'm a couple years younger. One way I've dealt with the virgin issue is by realizing it doesn't really mean anything for men. You can be confident without experience. Physically, there is no difference between a male virgin and male non-virgin. For women however, there is a physical difference, not that that is of much consequence either. What I'm trying to say is: You are the only one who knows with certainty that you are a virgin and you are the only one who cares. Thanks for your comment and I hope you're doing well.
It's nothing special unless the person you're with is special. Keep trying to develop socially(in small close group helps) and you can build up confidence by pretty much faking till you're making. Whenever you're out and talking with confidence someone may see something in you that you don't see in yourself. It happened to me and completely threw me off so much that I thought "no way she's looking at me like that." I shut down and pretty much gave her the cold shoulder. You might be older and have to give a harder effort socially on your part, but luck is the right time meeting your preparation for that moment.
I was the same way, I thought getting a girlfriend would fix it. I’m still with the same wonderful girl two years later but I have even less friends and I feel more lonely than I did before because I spend most of my time with her and almost never socialize. Before I had a gf I had maybe 5-10 close friends now I have 1-2 (both my roommates) and a few acquaintances
@@meepmeep3018 Was it worth it?
@@cupboardofcheese1529Its only worth it, because then you'll know definitively.
As a 27 year old loner, i can add a bit about why there are more and more of us - because it's comfortable.
With the internet and rise of social media, information overload has really become a problem and it is one of the things that is keeping me in this zone. In late teens, facebook groups were the thing, so high school drama and all kinds of relationships had changed from something that you have to think about when you are with people, to a thing that you can think about at any time. And then it became worse, because some things that happened in FB were now almost necessary to know when you got back into school, or you would feel alienated.
Now for me, that was too much, so i just cut that out, left most of the socializing to my small group of friends and ignored everything else. That was fine until the end of high school, and when you got to college or somewhere else, i did not feel the need to socialize because it became the thing i avoid to not waste my mental space. But of course that made me not get new friends, and old ones had drifted to other things or got too busy, so i lost all that over time. At first it was lonely and depressed, buy got used to it over time, and after a few years im not even lonely anymore.
Going back to information overload - now that i have discarded all that social stuff, i have way less things to worry about: i dont need to watch the news so that i could make small talk, i dont need to think about what presents to buy to x or y, or need to schedule time to go to the birthday or meetings, and so on.
Now i have more time to do things that i want, and have less distractions from things that i need to do, and can deal with information overload a lot better because people i know dont shove it into my face anymore, and even if they do, i dont feel the social obligation anymore to give a damn about their memes or stuff.
So yeah, it's actually quite comfortable this way, and while it's still fun to go and hang out with people, the effort required somehow feels too much now, and going out once a year has become a norm for me.
like i found socializing exhausting plus i suffer severe anxiety along with other conditions iv got a social group of around 17 people around the globe were we share interests and ideas besides that im not too bothered i might get back into being social at some point but im not driven towards it cus separating the rotten from the batch is so much hassle for a part of life that never has confirmed returns and like you said going out with people is fun and sometimes good but im not hyped to do it
Please do not blame the internet. Our entire societies are formed close to home, they aren't far reaching, and everyone encourages long term schooling + work. Ofc men will be lonely, ofc there will be burnout. Ofc it is a game of luck, you are either born around the right people or not! You go online, work hard irl, and hopefully it works best for you. Life ain't fair for everyone.
I have had physical issues growing up. Facing abuse, etc. Always looked younger than others cuz I had a troublesome childhood.
I feel like 9/10 loners in this age group definitely have issues in their life that aren't immediately apparent so I really think it's not that big of a deal or a problem as this youtuber is trying to make it out to be
Call it coping or whatever you want, it's just how I see it and what my personal experience has been
Its just that this type of people were always pussies that eventually got run over by stronger, natural selection, we see it in animals but refuse to see it in ourselves. They are trying to tell us there is place for everyone to be successful but we all know that aint true, i always got run over cause i was an easy target mentally wise i did not defend which made me close up into myself. Have few friends, we see ourselves once twice a week, some have gf-s some dont, all have much better going on for them job vise, im still in university 7th year in gonna finish in 8, uninterested in what i study, not 100% uninterested but when i see the ambition of other people there i'm just sad looking lmao, i know exactly where this is going but somehow there is this vail thats not letting me realize it yet, mby im so used to it i stared liking it. And ofc theres women whom im supposed to sell my amazing life story and things that have happened so i get married and shit and whats there to sell, i always back out off that cause theres really nothing good to say, its just my past is so bad, how would i open up fully to a girl and let her to know me and expect she'd decide to stay..
That justification will only work with you so many times, you can keep telling yourself its what you want but eventually the loneliness will hit you and it'll never leave.
It might be comfortable because its easy but when you get to 35 and you realise what you've made of life its gunna hurt ALOT. Don't neglect socializing, its in your Dna to want to have a "tribe" and a partner you can lie to yourself forever but its there.
It's amazing how much really stems from childhood and whether or not your parents did a good job raising you. Just goes to show that people really need to be careful about having kids, because if they dont do a good job raising them then you're subjecting someone to a life of mental pain. The luckiest people out there are the ones with 2 parents who cared and who parented correctly.
It would be intersting to see the stats on % of "loners" come from broken homes and single mothers. I bet its high.
@@Tappits84 Alot come from normal homes just the parents are always working and not really engaging with their kid
@@Tappits84 Living in a suburb with no connection to community and having loner parents is a high cursor for becoming a loner.
@@halleffect5439 a suburb IS a community, tons of houses, tons of people etc. I live in an island in rural Finland, in a 3km radius there is not a single person who's my age
As a loner myself, two major things that cause people to turn into "loners" is emotional neglect from parents and prolonged social isolation during childhood and adolescent years.
Wow when you said
“Progress makes you feel worse”
It really hit home
the end goal is all I ever focused on
Thank you so much. I'm a lonely 47 year old and you described the exact things my parents never thought to teach me. They grew up in small towns and didn't consider that I wouldn't just get it. Add in that I didn't have many life experiences that my age peers had and it has become very hard to make friends as an adult. Thank you Dr K. for making me feel less like a looser blaming the people around me. It's just the soup of accident.
So much of this video put into words I couldn't express why I was unable to connect with people ever. I have extremely emotionally unavailable parents who provided basic needs but I can't remember a single conversation or learning moment with my parents until I was already in my 20s because they just didnt do it. It explains so much why I feel so incompetent with meeting people. This has been a huge help listening to this. Thank you and all of HG for everything you do. These videos are wonderful.
I am definitely a 24 loner. Finishing up my Masters and applying for jobs. Had a great internship but did not get a return offer due to slowdowns. Getting interviews but ghosted after the first or second round interviews. I don't have too many friends and just stay at home most of the time. I feel like I am giving up the best years of my life and going to regret it in the future.
That's not "ghosted". That's you getting better at interviewing but others are a bit better, etc. The job market is good, keep going.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Nope. After some interviews, recruiters ignored my message and gave no updates. Life update, I accepted a $100k salary as a Data Analyst at a major wall street bank. Probably gonna work here for a year and look for new opportunities.
@CJ it's common that communications stop (or maybe a "no thx" email) if you don't make the cut. I wouldn't dwell too much on that. Sounds like you have a good job. Try to ride that job a good 3 yrs. It'll look good to have that chunk on your resume. Stack that 💰
@@CJ-fh5xqlmao, your whole comment was like "whaaa my life is bad, I got a degree and ending up getting a $100k a year job but my life is so tough because it took more interviews then I thought to get a good job, whaaaaa whaaaaaa"...
I've certainly learned from Dr K that the goal is not the destination, but every step along the journey. I keep coming back to these videos, just as a reminder of how simple it really is, cause it's so easy to overthink everything. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective over and over for years. I'm nowhere near complete, and will definitely come back just to have you break it down all over again for me. Thank you.
I have two sons who could be on the path you talk about in this video. This is incredibly helpful to gain better insight into what's going on, and what I can do as a parent to support and encourage them. Thank you.
You're a good dad
@@jam8965 Thanks, mate! Doing my best :)
Not much I am afraid. Depending on their age of course.
Once they hit adulthood, your options become extremely limited.
My parents always told me I needed to hang out with the “right kind of”, people, not aknowledging that I was an oddball myself and so isolating me from people who could have been my friends. A common terrible parenting move.
Give them money. That usually helps.
“Once you don’t blame yourself, next thing that you gotta figure out is what are you truly responsible for”
Thank you for this. I was about to give up on life before I heard these words. Hopefully I’ll be able to make use of them and rectify my situation.
I'm a 29 year old loner... even though I have a great job, I find it so hard to start and maintain relationships. This was a big help, so thank you.
Just wanted to thank you for makeing me feel ok enough to tell some ppl that checked on me from time to time that i appreciate them for that
As a 29 year old listening to this, things will get better. A lot changes but do your best to treat people around you with respect, it goes a long way. Great lecture, a lot need to hear this
My problem is that I don't necessarily like most of the people I meet. Most of the people I meet are generally untrustworthy and unlikable to me and I get the feeling that they don't necessarily like me either. It's such a weird thing since I get invited to these friend's parties and hangouts. I do respect some people, but they are getting harder and harder to find.
I feel this same way. Most the people I meet I just always feel like, “Wow I’d rather be home playing guitar or video games or at the gym. Why am I doing this? I don’t even like these people.”
I’m at the point where I’d rather be alone and working on my own stuff than try to make friends for no reason.
@@rosemorningstar5368 It could have been me who wrote that. You took the words out of my mouth.
I guess at that point you gotta start actively looking for places where people who you will like hang out.
@@rosemorningstar5368 I went out to an old friends birthday 2 days ago. I regret it. I should have stayed home and studied.
The difference whit a kid and a adult is. kids are not very picky about who they want as a friend and they desire friends or a best friends a lot. i could care less about that now.
I'm 29, and felt stuck for several years now, almost a decade. At this point, I've wondered if I can ever overcome the numerous obstacles in my life that I've constantly failed to hurdle before reaching this 'launch' you speak of. So hard to feel like there's still a chance even though I'm still trying.
I feel ya
32 here, feel the same
29, feeling the same way. I have only myself, and I cannot share anything with anyone anymore.
@@youdonegoofed 30 and starting fresh in a new place. I vibe with you people.
God I wish I could have the chance to be so young again. 29 is so incredibly young! You're barely out of the starting gate! Spare a thought for me, at 49, trying to rebuild my life after decades of misguided attempts at careers and relationships and friendships and everything else. All a complete mess because apparently I lacked every life skill in existence except for studying.
"Being a loner is a loser" is socially constructed and total bs. Live your life the way you want. Don't feel the pressure to make friends if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Don't be influenced/compared yourself to others. But also, remember that time is limited and don't live with regrets
Yeah but when ppl call themselves a loner it implies suffering. It's different from being solitary
This hits so hard. At 27 my mom tells me all the things she should have told me so long ago, it's sad.
Ya mine literally asked me "are u mad at us for not teaching u anything in life" i didnt answer her but in my head i was fuming. Im never going to tell them how i feel they would get depressed af. They dont need to know, im just going to figure things out on my own since im also at fault for not realizing this on my own and relying on them too much.
Yea, my parents started apologizing to me over how they failed me in my upbringing recently. I am 35, work a dead end job and have never been with a woman.
Unfortunately, being told that I am a failure due to them being failures did not help at all. If anything, I now feel even more shame for making them feel ashamed of themselves.
@@TheGintama86 didn’t you watch the video? Don’t blame yourself. Focus on what you can do. 🤓
27 is amazingly young!!! I'm having similar feelings about the course of my life at the age of 49! Believe me, you're still at the starting gate in life. It's all about perception. Do NOT allow a depressive perception of your situation convince you you're too old for anything. You're in your absolute prime!! Don't waste a moment of it lamenting! Go after what you want!!
My mum never asked if I was ok or gave me a hug........once. She also ensured to shoo away my father while seeking out other partners to emasculate. The last thing I will feel sorry for is a western woman who complains that men aren't masculine. The whole point is it was never their choice to begin with.
Replace 25 with 32 and this is just what I needed today. Thank you so much for everything you do. Your videos are my medicine. :)
same here, 29 years old^^
@@09furdich92 turned 27 yesterday, without Dr K I would have just let my porn addiction run rampant, live my life dictated by my feelings (fear, anxiety, depression). Living as Peter Pan and fighting my dad, Captain Hook instead of growing up, take responsibility and make sacrifices. I am so eternally grateful for Dr K.
Hey bro im 32 as well! The road is long and the road is dark
31 here.. havent watched the vid yet, feeling very broken. Hope the video helps in some way.
same, 30
I'm a 30yo loner, but I don't.... feel alone or lonely. I like my own time. My hobbies and interests are mostly solitary since childhood- reading books, writing, watching films, hiking, birdwatching, painting and sculpting. When I see my university friends hanging out, my first thought is "aww that's so sweet that they keep in touch" not "wow i wish i was there" or "damn they don't even invite me anymore."
Is that bad? Is that just self-delusion? Should I be sad that I'm not sad about being a loner?
Not at all. What matters is how you feel and whether you feel like your alone time is a problem that should be addressed, but I don't see that in you. The time you spend alone is spent being happy and doing things that enrich your life, and if that's true, I'd say your feelings are very normal.
cope
I'm 39 in a similar situation like you. There's nothing wrong to enjoy a solitary lifestyle.
@@feelinglikea488 no
If you don't feel the need to become closer to people and have more time with others and your needs are being fulfilled then you are doing fine imo
People that are alone and LONELY know it. That's something you feel every day when you are home and you drown yourself in distractions by yourself to compensate for the actual human connection you lack.
I would say regardless you should force yourself to hang out with people a bit if you really never do just because it's pretty universal that we need some form of companionship, but overall you do you boo
I'm only 22, but it's felt like forever since I left high school. The relationship with my old, but strong friend group, destroyed. 3 semesters of college, failed. Severe depression, only emphasized by extreme burnout. Started construction work at 19, despite all of the honors and AP I took and prospered in high school.
It means nothing now. I'm now in my 8th semester of college (skipped one after the third fail), and just work full-time in construction and as a painter.
I don't deserve friends or any sort of good relationships, tbh. From what I've been taught, I need to focus on my career, my education, my future.
The days keep getting longer. It would be nice though to turn a "hopefully" into reality one day. Even if it only lasts for a day.
Oh well, time to get out of this construction job first though.
It was drilled into my head that only my work and my education is all that matters. Anything else is frivolous. Relationships, frivolous. Hobbies are nice but irrelevant overall. If I am not working, I am idle and if I am idle, I am useless.
I'm 23 and I never even started college, I just become a house painter working with a family company. Man, I seriously don't know where life went, I don't even work full-time... I tried many things throughout life from trying to apply to SSDI due to claiming autism and failing and going to college once at 18. I feel I have just been enabled, living rent-free with my single-parent household all these years. I see all these people at my age making 100k+ per year by getting a bachelor's degree in Computer Science or Finance. While I barely make 16k a year, I keep telling myself that I will go back to college to get one of these highly profitable degrees but the student loan debt... I have just accepted I spend too much time on my devices, after work I just go home and play video games from 6pm-2am then get ready for work in the morning, and in the weekends it's just 16 hours of gaming, movie consumption, youtube, netflix, etc. I do many scumbag things like pirating every video game and movie/tv-series I want to watch, thinking one day I will be able to afford a house however in the economies these days, I doubt it. No friends, just the game.
@@shadowclaw7778sounds like me lol
Yeah same story for Me failed at uni now work for 20k and I’ve accepted it I’ve lost but it’s okay others deserve the success they worked harder than me I’ll take the L and move forward hopefully my son (if I’m having one) will be one of the winners
@@opticalraven1935 my parents always pushed getting a good career over everything and I don’t hate them or anything or completely blame them but I think the way they raised me and all of the restrictions and things they didn’t let me do that every person usually goes through in their developmental years is why I am the way I am today and why I consider myself a loner
As a 27 year old with one or two friends now and a large social circle when I was in school, I think this describes my situation really well.
With graduating and getting a job, your lives have become so different and it really take conscious effort to get those relationships to stick.
A couple of good friends is enough
You don't need a large group around you
Progress makes you worse, that line is so true for me, no matter what I do, I never felt good about me, that's why I like staying where I am, and not move forward because it reminds me of how far I am from my goal which is worse 🥺
I am incredibly thankful to you for sharing this
Dr. K., you lifted a ton off my shoulders! I was a 25 yr old female loner/"loser" in 1990, long before Internet, and two years later I wrote my first novel about a 27 yr old male loner/loser. It was decades in the making and I had no money or publisher but issued it through a newspaper in episodes and it somehow launched some sort of career, a very modest and still lonesome one. Writing saved me from suicide but not from loneliness or poverty and I'm still learning how to sustain friendships. With over 20 books published to date (including that one) it seems a little easier now. Without the weight of guilt, it will be even easier up from now. Thank you!
Wow that's quite the story, thanks for opening up and sharing!
I'd like to try reading some of your work
what's your book called? :)
@@goldandcheese Me too
Me three
Thank you ❤
I’m 28. Just about to do a kitchen porter job. People say I should be able to do better and that’s true. But the fact that most jobs are difficult for me due to my autism and social anxiety has made me realise that social anxiety is actually a serious issue, as serious as other mental disorders, and I need to start proactively doing something about it. From watching this video I might join the discord community you speak of. I need to start doing stuff to manage my issues better.
2:47 Really appreciate you thinking that way. I'm 29 and failed to launch because of my double cancer diagnosis over a decade ago (18 and again at 21). I've recently quit my job to go back and finish my degree. Life IS NOT over till you're dead..
To anyone reading, DO NOT let tragedy define you, and more importantly, do not let your self worth drop to zero. Everyone is capable of something more than mediocrity.
Yeah I can totally relate to this. After having panic attacks I decided to start therapy a few years ago. Little did I know how much I was actually neglected by my parents. I was always the kind that seemed to be doing fine, but only because I was taught to keep everything to myself. It still blows my mind, how my parents thought that having no friends, hobbies or a life outside school is normal. When I was like 21 I spoke to my parents about my mental health issues. Their answer? "We always wondered why you werw so withdrawn". But they never bothered to ask. And now they wonder why im so distant...
ding ding ding! i did sports/hobbies but the impact was minimal
Hits at home. I'm still afraid to open up to my parents but I feel like I'm slowly rotting in my room. I read some books like "Running on empty" by Jonice Webb and other self-improvement stuff but I always end up back to square one.
The majority of parents are incompetent and shouldn't be parents. Yet they all have kids and the end result is you and me.
same my parents also think that having no friends, hobbies or a life outside school is normal, I'm 17 but only now I'm realizing how unnormal it is
@@PrinceoftheVioletFlame true asf
Thanks!
I'm 26 and identify with this.I always had the capability to do well in school but stopped doing work,grew up in bad conditions,and never developed socially.I proceeded to get my own place,car in early 20s and lost it all due to alcoholism.Wasted those early 20s and now have to start over again at 26 and everyone has passed me by.Given how life has gone for me,I don't have any real interests,hobbies,and don't even know what I want in life.I will not let that dictate my future and am determined to have a successful life from here on out.
I'm rooting for you. Good luck!
same here, new year new start. i move away from my 9 year friendzone love yesterday (4X circle with same person). she was happy seeing me after 2 year, was thinking that i was coming back in her life but it was all for me to start new life.
wish u luck, we can make it!!
Same here, I wasted my early 20s because of drugs and a bad environment. Nobody really help me to quit drugs until I fell really down and do it myself. No friends, no money or work just the will for a better life
@@SmokerCrow99 I'm glad for you mate. I went through the same years ago. Life still isn't easy, but I'm giving myself a chance to experience better days down the path.
Never forget it : You may be struggling today, but you're doing it for your future self.
Read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Instant shift in the way you're thinking.
This reminds me of when my generation were children (born 2002), it was pretty common to hear people comment that our parents were lazy and simply raising us on our video games. Now that lack of experience in the field of getting and keeping friends is starting to bite all of us in our early to mid 20s.
this sounds like a you issue im a 03 but life is what you make of it. Keep telling yourself thats its not your fault and live a life full of regret. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. If you want to change your life you have to FUCKING CHANGE SOMETHING. Life doesn't come to you, you have to come to it. If you bad at math start studying math more. If you a horrible speaker, then read more. If you addicted to porn stop watching porn you fucking loser. NOTHING CHNAGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. The only one going to chnage your life is you. Your only 21 you have plenty of time your in your early 20s 20-25. Its your life now grab it by the fucking throat and do something about it. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. I literally have changed my life around by living by that quote and you can too. The only reaosn im even writting this is because I hate seeing kids my age go through the same shit I went through for the past 4 years. I don't want to see our generation become a souless worthless pile of losers. Seriously please responded to me I want to help you or atleast update me about your life since you wrote that comment, Any better, any worse. Please respond. Lets figure this shit out together.
I was this archetype at 22 aside from having a job.
I was really lucky to have coworkers that hurrased me with good will and questions to the point I finally began opening up.
Sticking to myself and doodling in sketchbook turned into long loud boisterous card games on lunch.
I made so many new friends some that I've become close with all because one guy had the goodwill to pick at my brain.
It was a beautiful moment in my life and I'll forever be grateful to have experienced it.
little do you know now you have the responsibility to do the same to others now when you grow older.
Can you pay it forward now and get me out of my shell? I'm almost 33 and still feel this same way you did at 22. 😭
hurrased?????
@@thiccandridiccthey mean harassed, but in a good way :) like persistently questioned
Damn man that’s awesome
28 rn and this is me exactly. i dont go anywhere all my friends have moved away and i have essentially no support system whatsoever. im a jr in a computer engineering program, my grades are starting to fall apart and im exhausted all the time. i was doing SO well even just 2 years ago. ive developed a near-panic reaction to trying to study because i want so badly to do well. im scared of my phone because i associate it with exclusively bad news. i am so lonely and am dealing with so much other shit (assaulted 6 months ago and almost died) completely alone. no one even came to the hospital, including my mom because she doesnt understand why i'm 'so lazy' and our relationship has suffered as a result. i feel like im trying so hard and getting nowhere.
this made me feel like i have a place to start for the first time in months. thank you.
Not sure how I ended up here, I'm really struggling right now in life (and have been for half of my adult life honestly. So much stuff to talk about, my own childhood too and all, but too much for a single comments on youtube) and this video came up in my recommended, I'm 24 right now so I had to click on it. But anyway, I was reading comments and stumbled upon yours and saw you had no replies or anything. And after reading your comment, I felt like I wanted to check up on you, how are things going on now, even though it's only been 2 months since your comment. And I'm so sorry you had to suffer an assault, that shit's horrible. I can't even imagine how you're feeling, hope you're healing.
I relate to the the stuff you said, last year I got a college degree from a program for programming, specifically for video games (it was really tough but I managed to complete it), and it's been almost exactly a whole year since then and haven't been able to find a job in the industry. Trying so hard but getting nowhere, god do I empathise with you, I feel the same. And honestly, I stopped trying a few months ago. And the worst part? It's somewhat my fault, I'm honestly scared of that world, I love programming and I'd like to think that I'm decent, but god am I scared of getting a "real job" in the industry and realizing I can't do the job. Anyway... I just feel so god damn lost right now with everything. I relate so god damn much to the "25 year old loner" post, just about most stuff in there. I was like, yep, that's about me.
Anyway, wanted to check up on you, from stranger to stranger, human to human, how are you? And you know what, sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff to complete strangers I guess, on my part it's IMPOSSIBLE to talk about stuff like this with my mom, I just see it deep in her eyes she either doesn't give a f*** and/or can't offer any advice whatsoever, she just expects me to figure stuff out and I feel like she never thought me anything. It's honestly very frustrating, like talking to a wall, she just doesn't seem to understand me and thinks I'm a loser. If you want to talk, about anything, I'll gladly listen. You also said you're currently in a program about computer engineering yourself, I went through the same stuff last year, I wouldn't mind offering some help and advice too with that, I totally understand how overwhelming and stressful it can be. I myself also wouldn't mind an ear if you're open to it. It's super random but why not, life is random sometimes I guess.
If you're open to it, you can contact me on discord (I assume you have one?), at 'raphael4'. Even if it shows I'm offline don't worry, still shoot me a message, I'll see it soon.
as a 30 year old loner it won't get better after 5 years if you don't try so I really hope anybody reading this and is on that same path be sure to listen to Dr K you might find your place cause i never did so please listen while you still wanna listen before the despair hits you and makes you not wanna do anything at all but hide from reality.
Good luck whoever needs it, I truly believe you can get there but of course it wont be easy but its much better than being alone cause that will hurt forever.
I was already full of despair since about 14 and it never changed. I don't think I was ever "full of optimism", ever.
Same to you moon man, I may never meet you IRL but know I am rooting for you to put despair in its place. Don't give up on yourself, there are others out there who haven't given up on you. I'm one of them ❤
@@Mikidy I would have to agree. Just because ur 25 instead if 30 doesn't mean you can't turn your life around.
See, what you're doing right now is thinking in the "shoulds" Dr K has ellaborated on so nicely. I "should've" went down the right path when I was 25" when the reality of the situation that so many others have proven is that you can absolutely still do it now, and there's more than enough supportive people in this community to help you do it.
Don't you DARE give up!
god bless brother, thanks for u insight
31 here, too late. Given how humans treated me, being lonely was the only possible consequence
27, but thank you for this video. Now I know that I am not entirely responsible for my loneliness. I like self-development and I have always blamed myself for the lack of friends - "maybe if I went outside more often in my childhood, joined the high school interest club or put less emphasis on my studies in college" the truth is my parents moved away from the city, but still quite close to it, that it was never profitable to rent your own apartment. My parents didn't have lots of friends, and as I was a good student and an introverted kid, they didn't worry about me. It's nice to hear that you are not responsible for everything, even if you had a nice enough household. I wrote to my old friend today, we'll see.
As a physiotherapist, I really appreciate you bridging your practice to mine and mine to yours. And it helps me so much with applying what you are teaching to my everyday life. I hope, with all the lessons I’ve received from you, that I can improve my patients’ life better too. Thank you!
Thanks!
Thank you for mentioning this. I noticed that I couldn't maintain relationships and I can't interrupt body/facial expressions well. I was told I don't have autism, but this explains it perfectly. Everything you said about not being taught, perfectly explains my life.
My dads been telling me for the longest time that I need to just get over my anxiety. You're videos are awesome and are activly helping me in my day to day life.
Unfortunately, his generation doesn't seem to know the difference from feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. At least from my experience talking to people from that generation. Its not really their fault though. If you haven't experience mental health issues its kind of hard to grasp or fix it for someone who has it without proper training. Exercise and eating healthy can only go so far.
I hope you can find proper support for dealing with your anxiety from people who actually understand it. Having a parent who not only doesn't understand mental health, but also denies mental illness can be SO damaging. There are people out there who will understand. Try to be a therapist and psychiatrist if possible. Lots of other people will relate to you as well.
"There's no such thing as a loser, Its a judgement we make out of ignorance." - Dr.K
Beautifully said.
People perceive things or believe them to be the absolute objective truth. however most of us don't realise that our opinions are coming people who don't like to think for themselves, and to only listen to what society interprets things, which are highly biased, subjective . Especially when they attribute negative labels to people. For example, calling people 'losers' just because they haven't achieved a certain goal in life.
@@ezaf5989 intellect just means brain. I'm not calling myself an intellectual. there is a difference...
Society is different from culture to culture, is it safe to say Society is like an echo chamber of sorts
@@SOLO.SHAD0W-HAWK That's a very good point! I agree with you
@@intellect1141 well thank you, but I'm just speculating. Society is a lot of things but it's bad part seem like echo chamber so Society's not really bad or evil more like flawed
I’m 22 and Ive been a loner pretty much my whole life. My parents never had any friends and therefore they lacked social skills, thats why me and my siblings never learned how to socialize properly. My parents never taught us anything when it comes to socializing, but they didn’t have the skills themselves to teach us so I really don’t blame it all on them. I never got to meet my cousins and relatives that much during my childhood so it's been very isolating growing up. Because of it I developed extreme social anxiety and I’m terrified to even speak to strangers and I’m only responding with few words when speaking with friends (Im surprised I even have friends, but I'm very grateful they want to stick around me even though i SUCK at talking). It totally sucks cuz I really want to talk to people and make new friends but I just don’t have the skills for it. I feel like a fucking alien and dumb as hell in most social interactions lmao.
Very motivational video!
This resonated with me so much. The parents who focused so much on my failings, who just sent me to school and expected me to automatically know how to make friends and socialise. Having to parent yourself sucks. I never knew that you have to learn how to make friends. I always assumed that everyone, except me, is born with a natural ability to form relationships and socialise.
One step at a time. I always have to remind myself, one step at a time.
When I went back to uni to finish my degrees, I felt old and out of place at first; I had the smallest student ID number on most exam result sheets of anyone who had taken that class. But then I also ran into students who were ten, twenty, even thirty years older than me who had come to do the same thing I had, and they tended to be the most motivated students out of everyone. It's really never too late to shift one's course and achieve meaningful success that one can be proud of.
Doesn't matter when you start. If you're "late" to college/uni you're gonna age another 4 years anyways so might as well have a degree. There's a good handful of 30+ folks starting their degree at my uni, they're always the most motivated students in class.
This hit me hard. Im 28, and I feel like my life just fizzled out. I finished my masters degree two years ago, but I didn't accomplish any of my goals. I failed to publish anything, I was rejected for all grants, and I was rejected from every PhD. program I applied to. My girlfriend left me a few months ago, and I realized she had become one of my only friends. I'm working a dead-end delivery job because I'm so afraid to fail again that I can't apply for real jobs in my field. Im so tired.
Yea, hate to say it, but it only gets worse, because your body will soon start its decaying state. I am 35 and once the body is no longer naturally growing or in a static state... your mental state will be amplified.
I highly recommend you don't become me; you should force yourself to go apply to those jobs, even if you expect to fail. Either that, or be happy working the delivery job and the income you do make. If you want marriage, you are running out of time; since you and I are not among the "top men", there absolutely is a time limit on getting a reasonable woman.
Anyway, take what I say with a grain of salt, because I am basically you 7 years into the future if you continue down your same path. It is not pretty, it does not get better, and life wont help you unless you help yourself. I never did help myself, and I will suffer because of it. Now I exist as a source of disappointment to my parents who worry about my future every single day. My brother is afraid to talk to me because he assumes I will just kill myself, and there is nothing left but the remainder of my life with no purpose.
@someone667 I'm sorry to hear that, regarding your life. I appreciate your words, because you are right about needing to get my ass in gear before things get worse. However, I suspect that all is not lost for you. A lot of people turn their entire life around in their 40s, including some in my family. There is always hope!
@someone667 Also, I was thinking more about what you said, and I wanted to reassure you that there is no such thing as being too low-value to find love. I have a female friend who is an absolute dime, a stunner. She has a Ph.D and owns a large farm, so she is independently wealthy. And she left a handsome, wealthy guy she was seeing for one of the ugliest and most boring men I have ever witnessed in my life, and they've been happily together for three years. All he has is a quiet confidence in himself and a lot of kindness, and that's enough for her.
How we doin now?
@@Rustyboy21 Well, I was offered my dream job as a marine biology instructor and researcher at a brand new college! Then the funding fell through and the job offer was withdrawn... So I'm back to square one, which was a bit devastating. But I have an even better girlfriend now, and I've decided to cash out some of my assets to travel the world for a month. I'm curious to see where I go next! In short, very little has changed, but my outlook has greatly improved.
Im only at 11:50 and this hurts to watch because of how accurate it is. Yeah, nothing ever went "wrong" i was never traumatized but ive found myself wishing it had because I didmt get why I'm struggling so much. My life has been in a steady downwards spiral and I just couldn't ever figure out why. But then you talked about parents just expecting kids to learn things by themselves and a memory hit me like lighting of me crying in my bathroom because my mom was yelling at me because I didnt mop correctly and I told her I didnt know how and she snapped back that she had told me how to do it (at some vauge point in the past). I still dont know how im supposed to mop. My step dad loved cars but he never taught me anything about them. I dont even know what I dont know about them, and now im so far behind Im too embarrassed to ask. I was never taught the rules for getting gifts until I was a teenager and tried to do something nice for my step mom and got her a gift, once of those fancy swifer mop things, because i thought it would help. I didnt know what I did wrong until she was bitching at my mom for letting me buy such a thing as a gift because apartly its bad to buy cleaning supplies as a gift. It sounds obvious now, but how the fuck would I know, I thought it was a nice practical gift. How much these things have hurt and all the way it held me back a really hard to understand and deal with.
I felt this really hard. Hang in there friend.
Yeah, im always confused about everything and my family and people around expects me to know it, just because they think im smart and capable which i barely are in some areas, i may be autistic, someday i will know or maybe not, but i always struggle with everything when it comes to people and managing myself
I don’t know how old you are. I’m probably old enough to be your mom or even grandmother. My heart hurts for you and what you missed.
I never had a brother growing up but I feel like this man is as close as one. Thank you for the help. There needs to be more therapists like you out there.
I remember being surprised when I was well into my 20s, and my mum said "Wow, I never realised you were so anxious all the time". I always thought it was written all over my face, like "No shit, I was anxious! Have you never wondered why I didn't talk about school or go to parties like ever?"
I never ever talked about it to anyone as a teenager, but to be fair, I was also never asked about it.
I remember one summer when I was 15, getting heart palpatations whenever the phone rang because I though it was my schoolmates ringing to ask me to come to a party, and I was terrified that I would either have to go, or decline and potentially hurt someone's feelings (both were equally hideous concepts)
Sounds like AvPD
@@igor6tr888 Interesting. AvPD does seem to fit me. Something to look into
Yea, most of my family was surprised I never got married (am 35 now), and I can't help but think back to high school years when I had no friends, had no real skills, received minimal guidance and was overall led to be a social outcast.
With that said, I am not trying to alleviate the responsibility on my part.. but was I suppose to know all of this crap at 14 by default?
@@someone-ji2zb I had a lot of friends, was generally liked in school and was invited to a lot of parties. But all I wanted to do is play video games.
There was a time when I went to these parties but internally I was dying inside, while everyone seemed to have the time of their lives.
And I just wanted to be home and alone the entire time.
Later on most of my friends were mostly into video games and I rarely went outside for activities.
When I moved on in school, I didnt keep up contact with most of my friends and nowadays I have basically no one.
But I dont feel lonely at all. In fact the less friends I had over the years, the less I felt lonely because I wasnt constantly reminded that people did all these other social activities that I didnt want to participate in.
Nowadays I feel my life is so different from anyone else of my age, that I really cant connect to most people.
Weirdly enough I am still liked by them somehow, just had this recently again where I was on a longer work related trip with people of my age and we formed some kind of little clique.
And soon enough I was once again, sitting around drinking lots of alcohol, passively inhaling various drugs that they smoked, pretending to have fun with them.
Glad that it is over. People are writing me still messages. I usually reply every few months with "sry lots of things to do".
And soon they will move on and I dont have to deal with them again.
I'm 25 and I'm struggling to maintain relationships. This is so relatable.
i stoped trying for last 10 year. i cant compete with 3 billions men that are taller smarter kinder more altruistic perfect symetrical face.. its over
internet made standard unreachable for 99% male. insanely too many choice, why would a 10 10 person wouldnt get a free airplane paid to live in a castle.
alot prefer to dream with a hot chocolat with bedsheet rolled up on the sofa than get a 9 on 10. and i would totaly understand if my woumb would be dedicated for specifi genes for 2% of my life
you are a female dont complain
Still better than not having any
@@arturo22ize Its not a contest homie
@@vodnyy Just stating my opinion