The sad thing is this doesn't just affect my romantic prospects, but also trying to make friends in general. This self criticism is literally making me so undesirable, which in turn manifests itself IRL, then people around me will eventually find me off-putting, and I absorb that feedback. I created a self sabotaging cycle. A looping nightmarish hell.
This might seem like poor advice. But I'd say, stop trying. Take steps toward something you'd like to do/get involved with (where there are other people, preferably irl) and then you'll most likely meet other people there with that same interest. One day you ask someone if they want to get a drink/bite to eat afterwards/or you'll get asked yourself. BOOM, you have the beginning of friendship. Give up on the idea of needing friends to feel good - instead enjoy the little conversations in your everyday life. Good luck.
@@user-or8go3vp7y Same...surprised this is mostly a male problem. Its so hard for me to be emotionally open even with friends and so they turn out empty connections and never go anywhere. It is probably easier for the average woman to open up emotionally due to society being okay with it and not get trapped in this loop but it really depends on your upbringing I guess. Anyway, we are not alone on this at least.
@@user-or8go3vp7y tbh, I'm not too sure it actually is. It might just be the narrative the internet is focused on a lot. From my experience, most of the women I know have the exact same problems I do when it comes to socializing. There may be a cultural aspect that actually does show that men do have it worse, but I think that the internet has enflamed it, like it usually does. Edit: changed "girls"to "women"
I think it is sad that lonely people are often times softly or blatantly blamed for their loneliness. Comments like="Work on yourself", "wear better clothes", "meet more people", "exercise" are thrown around at people expressing loneliness. As if the lonely person isn't working on themselves, wich is true sometimes. But even dating people and normal people often don't work on themselves really. And that doesn't mean they diserve to be lonely or get blamed for being lonely.
@@Dimitris_Half how exactly am i dodging responsibility? Have i said loneliness is somebody elses respondobility but the lonely persons? (In some situations it is, minors for example shoud be looked after by their parents and teachers etc. To make sure they aren't lonely). Third of all, i didn't mention sexuality at all, so you are most likely projecting on me.
Just World Fallacy, bro This crap is so old it even appears in the Bible, in the form of the friends of Job accusing him of being a sinner, when in reality he was in that pickle because he was the exact opposite of a sinner.
I dress pretty decently, groom my hair, shower everyday, moisturize my skin and yet somehow, I’m still single and lonely. I’m pretty average looking and skinny but for some reason, no woman has ever asked me out.
I started exercising more, developed a skincare routine that I stick to daily, started flossing and brushing twice a day, showering more frequently, put on deodorant, dress nicer, putting myself out there more by asking a girl out, yet in the end I still feel like a magnet. Not the attractive forces of magnet, but the repulsive force. It's strange because I feel like it happens everywhere I go, no matter which place I'm in. I'm the type to open up and talk more freely with people I know more. Of course this is a sign that I'm the common denominator and my anxiety and lack of social skills remain and make it hard to socialize. But I just wish people would look past their first impressions of me and get to know me. I feel like I would be a pretty good friend and partner if I got the chance.
I never really felt desperate for sex. I did feel desperate for emotional connection though. I became emotionally distant with everyone including family. My family always seemed more concerned with their own well-being after all. Now I'm okay with being alone, but that won't help me progress in life.
@@TattooMyBones I do too, but they kind of keep abandoning me. Had a lot of that growing up too. I keep making new friends and trying to hang out with them though.
Yeah i do feel the same way. I dont really go out(just to work and for food). I do realease that i need to go out more to meet more people or girls to find relationship, but at the same time im so used being allone, and feel doing this by myself is pointless(since i had so much bad expierence doing it by myself), i would need some help by someone to be social again and that is unlikely. I dont think that im ugly or desprerate and still doubt i can become social or be in relationship without any help. Time will tell i guess. Constantly working on myself, eating healthy, working out is my main goal now in life. Btw i was really social and had probably too much friends when i was a kid,but everything change on teen years.
@@t0lex14 Taking the time to try to talk to people is important for being social. You'll get less awkward in conversation by doing it more. My advice is to make sure you don't get discouraged if it doesn't go well. You won't mesh well with everyone and that's okay.
When I was dealing with depression and anxiety at the worst. The biggest step was learning to not be as hard on my self. I kept putting all these to do's and goals that were well out of reach. Learning to congratulate myself for taking a shower, cooking a meal, and doing the dishes was a step forward. Because than I started to have successful days even if they were minor accomplishments to other people. That along with trying to shift my focus to other people's needs really helped.
I should've done something similar to you. Instead I took the "Jordan Peterson" approach, seeing them as some sort of necessary suffering and signs of me being lazy or not "manning up", which has caused some lasting damage that made me less empathetic than when I was younger.
The day I realized it's not all my fault was the day that the clouds finally parted and I've felt completely different ever since then. That was years ago now. It was a weird thing, because the epiphany came absolutely out of nowhere just as I was going to work. The only advice I too can give is to learn to forgive yourself.
@@williampan29 I was fortunate to have a number of friends and family help me up along with a good counselor. It definitely was my doing that got me on my feet.
I'm a 30 year old wizard, I am so touch starved and emotionally stunted that at one point in my mid twenties I went on a journey to improve myself into someone who was worthy of affection and love. At some point I just kinda gave up and tried to find fulfillment in other pursuits like art, higher education, new hobbies and traveling, so now I don't think about it to much... although sometimes the loneliness sneaks up on you, when you traveled to somewhere incredible like Eiffel tower or New York city or make it on to a new milestone on a new pasión project and you don't have someone to share it with. No one to bare your soul out in the twilight hours under the warmth of the bed sheets, just yourself and your thoughts... good video topic, love your chanel 👍
Gaming can make people feel really disconnected and lonely. People should just meet up, make friends and do stuff. Travel might help a lot but if you're unable to relate it's a trap.
As a person with depressive tendencies, learning to love myself on my own is nearly impossible. Sometimes in order to see my own worth and value in an unclouded manner, it helps to let others expose traits that I might downplay of myself in negative self thought loops. "Work on yourself" is not something that needs to be done completely alone.
A lot of people don't seem to understand that the vast majority of people who are experiencing this type of loneliness, both romantically and socially, are more than likely individuals who are not socialize to fit in. They did not meet the proper developmental markers that they should have in their youth, developing friend groups in experiencing dating in their teens in the problem just grows from there. They get into their twenties unable to relate to their 20-something year-old peers due to their lack of lived experience in their teen years and then they become 30 something year olds who cannot relate to their 30 something year old peers due to their lack of experience in their twenties. They are on a never-ending train of loneliness, depression and misery that's 10 years behind where it should be on the track. The reason why people oftentimes give individuals like us the worst advice is Because, unless you know this experience, it's incredibly hard if not impossible to understand what it's like to not have relationships with people and truly be lonely. This is something that the average human being is not experiencing. Social life is rather predictable and the average human being is socialized well enough to meet developmental markers necessary to have the average social experience. Most people could not survive this experience if all of what they had was stripped away from them and they were made to live the life that we do. People who have always received external validation on some level are highly unaware of how much external validation they have received which has been the basis upon which their sense of self-esteem is perched because receiving external validation is largely the only experienced they have ever known. It's like trying to explain to a fish that it is in water when it has never come out of the see... these people are blind to just how much they have received external validation and because their external validation has given them a great sense of self-esteem they truly believe that "just feeling good about yourself" is the only one way out of loneliness.... Those of us who have not received that external validation wander through life with a certain sense of unease; wondering if we are good enough and unable to convince ourselves with positive thinking that we ARE "enough" because (by far and large) life has never shown us an experience where we are good enough to be seen, heard and treated like we matter by others. Mariah Carey has a song with lyrics that go " and suddenly, you are lying here with me, and the truths I used to hold have changed". I think that lyric just about sums up a harsh aspect of our human existence... In many ways you need other people to show up in your life for the "truths" you hold in life to change..... this includes whatever "truths" individuals believed about themselves. No one is ever going to "positive thinking" themselves out of feeling like a lonely loser who isn't good enough if they don't have any external proof to show that they are indeed not a loser and good enough. A person / people have to come into their life and show up in a way that will lead to the "truths" they once held changing"
When Dr. K addressed that lame piece of advice people love to give I was like “thank you!”. People used to get married in their late teens and therapy didn’t exist, they simply grew together in their marriages. Postponing relationships to “grow” is like postponing going to college because you want to get a bachelors degree first. It’s dumb advice.
Sometimes I wake up and feel lonelier than a star in the middle of the universe. that feeling of boredom and the feeling that no one cares about you or no one asks you how your day was. Sometimes you want to go out with friends and you already know how to have fun, but sometimes pride, insecurity or fear, whatever you want to call it, keeps you from ever trying to make friends or trying to improve your relationship with your loved ones. . I go through this every day and I am aware that I have to improve many things that often make me feel depressed and bad.
I recently got into my 1st serious relationship in my life and I didn’t realize how alone and touch starved I really was until now. This video really helped.
I envy ppl in relationships so bad. Ik if i got a gf my depression would be fixed. I try so hard but everyone around me gets relationships effortlessly while I fail consistently. I wanna give up but at that point i might as well kms.
@@throwaway9347 if i am in a high quality one yh it would. I do psychology and every study on happiness has consistently found that the key to happiness isn't money or materialistic shit but high quality relationships. I can chase money and other goals as much as I want but it doesn't matter cos I am always gonna feel empty without another person.
@@icecoldnazo5335 trust me it wouldn't, take it from me. Neither losing my virginity nor a good relationship got rid of my depression but working on myself did. It alleviated symptoms for a while and worked only because we were both starved for affection, but you get dependent on it and when it's gone you're back where you started. Never let your wellbeing depend on someone or something outside of your control or you'll feel helpless forever
@@lewisnorden3744 well according to the doctor, long term validation eventually builds the person's self-confidence and then self-identity. It is when the person starve for validation or unable to respect space, causing people to abruptly leave them and abruptly end the supply of validation that they break down.
You can start lifting weights and once your muscles start to grow and you see them then those muscles will be the validation you need to gain confidence.
Notes to myself from this video: 1. more self-compassion, please 2. others can judge you differently from you, communicate and find out 3. find the balance between giving and taking (communication helps!)
Right after this video there was metta meditation in the livestream. It is present on the channel in the video called "how to love yourself meditation"
@@kenXtripleI For some/most mayhap, but for me they're actually just gone. It was a conscious choice I made one day after having an epiphany where I realized that there isn't in fact someone out there for everyone, and unfortunately I can see my future clearly enough to tell I'm gonna be one of those people who just never find someone. Upon that realization I decided there was no more point in feeling sexual urges or the longing for a companion. No point in worrying about something I'm never going to have.
@@SomethingScottyi have though realized that thinking that there is someone out there for me to show me love and compassion is like having delusions of grandure and I would have better odds at winning the lottery mostly due to a lack of social skills and really missing the window of opportunity.That and because I'm not perfect
I wish I could have Dr. K as my therapist, but I learn a lot about myself through these videos and I feel like I have grown more into the person I picture in my head and the grand canyon sized gap between "who I am" versus "who I want to be" is not a canyon now as much as it's becoming more of a river, and I am getting better at seeing the stones to cross that river. (If that makes sense.) Daughter of a narcissist mom, bio dad was never around, however my dad (step dad technically, I don't see him as such, even though I was 8/9 when they got married) and I still thank you, Dr. K, when you talked about why adults struggle when they were always in advanced classes as kids- it's really improved my productivity because I have a better understanding of why failure is so detrimental to my goals/hobbies/etc.
Dr. K showing his faith in humanity. When I showed my desperation thinking it would bring out the best in people, nearly everyone I met, knew, grew up with just ran, shut down, blank face, dismissal, minimisation. Ran a mile. I kept trying, oh they can't be all bad. Nope, enough were bad (going on 17 years after having to leave my combined Masters/PhD in psychology, working 3 jobs, travelling, exercising a bunch, long term partner, etc.) that I can easily say yep, better to think they're all bad and keep a tiny tiny private window to assess if they're not. The only people I have in my life are those that show humanity when I've shared vulnerably - that means my psychiatrist, my Dr., one aunt, and ... yep that's it. I'm an extremely gentle, kind, feminine kind of person (who enjoys as an outsider Dr. K's vids, grew up as a loner child playing early computer games on cassette tapes etc.) and the heartbreak I feel of having desperately pleaded for help to family, friends, humiliating myself and them aghast or doing the 'shut down' dance of soooo many people I dated. The rage I feel of 'I'm the one who went through the difficulty, you didn't have to live it, I fucking did' - show some fucking inner moxy, strength of damn balls to just sit with me and hold my %*#@ hand, you %&*^$#. My heart pours out to others who have gone through pain and I've just received so little when I've shared my story. I've received bewildered, flabbergasted, shut down, demeaned, dismissed, the list goes on. I wish someone had told me, H..., don't bother with trying to tell people, share your story, be vulnerable, get social emotional support, get to know yourself, what skills, crafts, abilities do you enjoy if no one else existed in the world. If you have food and shelter and can shower and move your body, then see what you enjoy next. That's how I live my life now for the past year or so, and it's like an enormous weight is lifted. I've got self-respect and can feel inner mojo growing. There are tons of things I enjoy, if some &*$#@* wants to come and get to know me and they're human and kind and warm and caring, then I'll be there with unimaginable levels of love and joy to reciprocate. Till then, it's animals, and plants, and observing humanity from afar, thinking about writing, and poetry and music, and moving my body and making amazing food and watching how the spring is unfolding this year with the snow falling late in the season on the freshly bloomed flowers as I write this. All the while, tending to the unimaginable hurt from the past with as delicate care as I can.
I have to agree with this. You think you're going to share your story and your own self-awareness about your condition, and get a positive response. You won't. The people you meet don't want relative success -- they don't care how far behind the 8-ball you started and where you've gotten yourself to. They only care where you are right now -- your absolute level of success. You really are alone, and you have to figure it all out by yourself. It's truly a double whammy -- you need help (and you know it), but you will never get it.
This kind of reminds me of the time of my life when I was lonely and desperate for friends and when people found out how I felt, they said "You just need to spend time alone to work on yourself" while doing fun things on the weekend with their friends which they never invited me to. It felt SO unfair that other people get to have friendships from the time they are 5 but now I am much older and still relegated and pressured into being alone all the time for reasons I couldn't understand.
Honestly, I blame myself more than anything. Sure, society has failed young men in many ways. But I look back at the times I've basically rejected women who seemed interested, or otherwise found reasons and excuses to avoid prospective intimacy by not asking women out. I don't have very high self esteem, so I assume a woman who is talking to me or flirting is just being nice, and if she's coming on really strong it must be a joke. I worry I have nothing to offer and that's the real reason I'll be alone forever. I wouldn't know how to relate to a woman even if she was the desperate one.
The only women that have been into me are always like younger and I don’t date younger than mid 20s. I get hit on by high school girls more than I get responses on dating apps 😢
I know this was a year ago but if you’re still in the same situation, take the advice in the video, try to focus on sharing your sandwich, that is what you offer in a relationship, being able to meet the other person’s needs. And I wouldn’t worry about relating to a woman i feel like the sexes are a lot more similar than people may think we’re all just looking for love.
Multiple times in the past I’ve tried to get out of my shell and socialize. The problem is I get exhausted extremely easily so halfway through hanging out I sort of shut down. Other times I’ve been called “lame” and “virgin” so I thought “well I just won’t be apart of conversations if I cramp peoples style.”
Me...too....i get so exhausted while hanging out with people...initially I try then gradually i just start losing my energy as if I dont have the bandwidth to indulge with anyone...anymore...and I see others....they still look energetic and fresh and ready to talk and engage with people...full of liveliness
the social exhaustion thing is just from being an introvert. and its ok! it's ok to be someone who doesn't get energy from socializing. it's just a question of finding the people who are also introverts, so that your need for socializing matches. the other thing to note is that the more you get to know someone the less exhausting it is to spend time with them. eventually you feel comfortable.
I love how this video adressed what irks me the most about "advice" like the reddit post. They always say "focus on yourself, learn to love yourself" but they never tell you how to do that and pretend that it's the most natural and easiest concept to grasp in the world. The only problem for me is, I've already "figured that out" for myself. I've experienced many of the benefits self-compassion brings that are detailed in this video so I'd say I'm good on that front. 😅 What still frustrates me is people constantly going "put yourself out there, talk to people". Excuse my language, but what the *fuck* does that mean? I'm in university now and it (seems like) everyone is just doing their thing, there's no real time and place to "talk to people" or get to know anyone. I don't go out partying nor do I know anything else I could do to meet people. It seems like people who don't have that problem can't even imagine that there are people who do. I've never gone on a date or anything like that, might I add. I have no clue how to even make that happen at this point and it feels like an impossible task without any guidance.
it’s tough making new friends in university since everyone has so many commitments. by the time you become an adult, it gets more difficult. but not impossible. here are some ideas to meet people without partying/drinking/etc: have you joined clubs/sports? or would you rather make your own club/sport? does your university/professors offer paid trips for a small group of students? does your university have a discord where you can get into small cliques and meet up with them? does any of your hobbies offer conventions? can you make a social media account about your hobby and meet other enthusiasts? are there on campus roles that focus on being social (student government, planning student events, resident advisor, club leadership positions etc)? can you get a job where you’re required to talk to other people (tutor, academic support, peer mentoring, tour guide)? do you often make small talk with your classmates? (i noticed many extroverts will talk to anyone in the area and make friends over a few weeks) do you make study groups or go to study groups your classmates planned? (i noticed this works a lot-especially if you hate parties and need to bond over something like a dumb class) are you friendly with the most confident, talkative person in the room? (i noticed a lot of people naturally gravitate to them, which means more people for you to talk to) *warnings* i don’t recommend you befriend/date coworkers. you need that work-life separation.
Ask questions in class, suggest to study with people, get to know the student workers at your facilities (cafeteria, library, whatever), go to university run events, join a club, exercise at the gym and ask for a spot, or try to learn about someone else's workout. None of these are foolproof, and a lot of these feel a little artificial, but they're necessary to learn. If it seems like everyone is doing 'their' thing, that's cause they are. You'll have better luck being a part of someone's life if you've got a similar 'thing' so you can spend time with them. Take a genuine interest in other people, and you'll find that you'll have more of them around. When people say "put yourself out there," it means leave your room and be a little bold by talking to someone in person. People don't explain it because literally anything you do can be qualified as it (grabbing a drink with coworkers off hours, volunteering somewhere, picking up a new hobby), so without knowing you, I can't nail down what it is you would enjoy doing the most. If you're out doing something you like, even if no one else likes you, you're going to enjoy what you're doing a little as well, so I would hedge against doing things you don't like (don't join a ballroom dance class unless you've got an honest desire to learn ballroom dance, not because you heard it was a good place to meet girls). If you do that, you won't have a good time, and you'll likely have worse odds of finding people that will want to spend time with you as a result. I've had the problem you describe, I still struggle with it especially after having graduated, but there are solutions. Putting the cart before the horse, dates always seem to get overblown by both society and media. Your goal isn't to finagle something from someone that does not want to give it to you, your goal is to spend time with and get to know someone you like. This can range from media projected norm (going to catch a movie with someone you like is actually pretty fun), or it can be as mundane as baking cookies with them. Dating comes down to context, as in whether or not you and the other party have mutual attraction and are spending time together. Assuming you're a guy, you might have to do a little leg work on the front end ("Hey, I like you, I'd like to get to know you over coffee"), and then they, assuming they're agreeable, might simply use the date as a barometer to tell if there is attraction like that. If not, no skin off your back, you try again with someone else. If they do like you, then you do something else you both like a few more times, have a conversation as adults about boundaries and/or intimacy, and with a little luck, voile, you're in a relationship. As a side note, people change their mind too. You might grab coffee with someone and have good chemistry, and things may seem peachy up through a few dates, or even after being intimate, and they may decide to break things off. This is okay, and it really isn't something you try to 'fix,' unless they're saying/asking for you to try to ("I like you, but your habit of shitting on my porch is kind of a turnoff and might be a dealbreaker."). If this happens, or your desire to shit on people's front porches is greater than your desire to be with them, it's all good, you know how to make new friends now anyways. Hell, maybe she's got some friends that are interested in something like what you're looking for.
Honestly, this is something I am currently working on in the area I’m in. I’ve noticed there wasn’t a professional connection at University that directly gave experience (which so many entry level jobs need) to the German Department’s students. So in trying to connect TEFL/TESOL teachers and have some students and alumni (including me) be able to shadow them, that way these prospective TESOL/TEFL teachers see exactly what they don’t know in the German Department, and therefore have a common goal to work towards together, which allows people who understand you, at least minimally. This is just what I am guessing might happen. For other suggestions I’ve seen like asking other students to study with you, I would suggest an additional component. If you feel like the other student knows more than you, try to offer another piece of experience or expertise you have in another class that they don’t understand that well. Or something like this? You are the expert of your experience. Always. You can share that. Can you read this? You have the ability to learn. You can try one new thing. It is only one thing now. These are just my thoughts.
This explains so much ! > I have been trying to fix sad & lonely guys; and yes - it doesn’t work out bc - I get caught up in being the provider until I finally burn out. > I’ve been on a long hiatus. To rest & recover. I enjoy learning about the world around me - instead of finding the ideal partner. I enjoy learning about myself. Thank you, Dr. K. ☺️
Always hated the advice of "just be yourself" because whenever I asked what that meant I got a world salad answer that mostly involved something to the effect of "well just remove or downplay the parts that we don't like about you". I'm lucky that I managed to find my people so to speak.
The way i see it, "just be yourself" means "Don't say/do something you don't actually identify with". So don't mask your personality, don't fake it, be genuine, especially if you're a "work in progress". I've experienced that people can be very positive when you show them that you don''t have it all figured out.
Yeah, I don't think fully "being yourself" is even possible, but there is some truth to it too. Talking about your hobbies, favorite music, movies, art, without caring if it's too weird or out there. I would say that is way to be yourself, and not just "yeah, I like what everybody does, and listen to whatever is popular“ Being confident about your hobbies really shows. (as someone who doesn't really has much going for him)
“Be yourself” is an extremely hard phrase for someone like me, being that myself is an amab trans female I currently am unable to express because I don’t have an understanding environment yet
The way I eventually understood this phrase (which I hated and to be fair still dislike) is through studying Bruce Lee's views on martial arts styles. He keeps saying one should "have no style" and people think they shouldn't study anything or do any forms, because it'll detract from their "being water, my friend". And they keep trying to shoehorn BL's STYLE (Jeet Kune Do) into this weird "it's a philosophy bro, not a style" Schrodinger's cat situation. Truth is, JDK is a style, and you shouldn't adopt it without thinking. You should study it, take what's good, and keep going, on to the next style and the next, until your fighting technique is a mishmash of what you found useful from all of them (kicking like in TaeKwonDo, some other thing from Boxing, the stance from Fencing, hell take the footwork from Kizomba dancing if it works for you). Now, I nerded out too much on the martial arts thing, but try to see the metaphor behind and how it relates to your own life. Or read his daughter's book "Be water, my friend". Or go straight to the people who inspired Bruce and read the Dao De Djing. Or don't if you don't feel it suits you, that would miss the whole point.
The issue that I'm having w/ regards to loneliness is that it didn't used to be this way. I used to be fine alone, I liked myself enough, I had good friendships that felt affirming to me, and even though I was lonely that didn't really make me feel bad in the deeply painful way that it does now. Then I had my first relationship, which was a long one and good one and it didn't even end because it turned bad. That ruined for me. It was like I peered into the book of forbidden truths and saw the horrible realization that I do indeed have romantic needs, and now I can't stop seeing the effects of that truth everywhere. Feels like the kind of thing Lovecraft wrote a hundred different metaphors for. I'll try to put some of the advice in this video to work, but ultimately I still think the biggest problem for me that I know something that I never should have known.
I just realised in the middle of this video for no reason at all, I'm always available so I'm never a priority. This is the most hard hitting line I've ever read. Simply, I'm always available so people choose to spend time with others who might not always be available so I never end up being a first choice.
I have literally been struglging with this fir so long and laterly I have been on a major emotion down turn. I cannot overstate in any capacity how accurately the reddit post describes me, especially last 7 days. It has been utter hell. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for this video, it is extremely helpful and enlightening. I grew up with an autistic father and I've always had poor social skills and low confidence, so it has been very difficult for me to interact with people my whole life. Now at 23 yo, I realize I should have invested more in my social skills, I am extremely lonely and cynical, but at least I notice some progress. I'm sure that one day it won't be a burden anymore. Grateful for your quality content as always.
Started reading the book "The courage to be disliked" which is about being against determinism and how you choose your future. Only started reading it but it's narrative seems similar to how Dr. K talks about it
Dear god, the timing on this video is absolutely impeccable. Yesterday, I had an emotional breakdown. A couple days before that, I've had a breakup. All of this just pretty much applies to me, unfortunately.
6:47 - 7:20 This is something that has been a pet peeve of mine in regards to the "advice" and attempts at help given for these things, which perpetually leads to those dealing with these issues to be trapped in an unfortunate cycle. Super glad that you pointed it out and put some focus on what a paradox this can be.
I feel great about being single but I am really touch and emotionally starved when it comes to friendships. Through covid I grew a little more apart of my "friends" each day until I recently realised that I am not even their friend. Doesnt matter that I knew them since elementary school, I was just as close to them as they were with people they met 5 seconds ago. So I decided to cut them off and then I realised how lonely I have always been. Even more lonely in those shallow friendships. But recently I've worked on myself and got one really great friend. I got a genuine hug today out of nowhere and I almost cried because its almost been 3 years since someone did that. Things get better as soon as you work on yourself and are not scared of being alone for a while. Being alone feels much less lonely. Even tho my case is different I still thought it applied and this video really helped me in my own way
I had the same problem but I try to tell myself that friends are not permanent. Nothing is. Friendship comes and goes based on a lot of factors like context and effort. I'm glad I have some good friends now and I put effort in maintaining it but from time to time I also think of scenarios in which I may lose them or we drift apart just in case. Like love them, but try to be neutral and not too attached. Not sure if this is a healthy mindset but it may help.
some ppl are just comfortable talking with strangers, that doesn't mean you're not their friend my dude.. if they choose to hang out and spend time with ya then that's your answer.
@@0xsergy Yeah but that's exactly how I knew that I weren't friends with my old friend group anymore. Talking to me was a chore and very boring to them even tho we knew each other for 10 plus years. Now when I see what those ppl are up to on social media every now and then I see that they are always on parties, drinking a lot, making even more new "friends". I'm glad I was able to ditch them before I got dragged into that stuff. So yeah they stopped being my friends even while we were "friends" a while ago. It's not that they just like talking to other strangers.
I kinda forgot about this comment but that just shows how much can happen in 9 months. I stayed close with this 1 friend, made two more through them and later on I made another mutual friend with them. I know have 4 friends I talk to on a regular basis and that's more than enough. My life in general got quite better not just because I have people that care about me and we can share our interests but I also really invested time in myself and improved myself bit by bit. Stuff gets better
9:56 Damn that's totally me, I was getting drained and didn't receive anything in return and once they were done and needed something else, I was discarded, well I'm glad that relationship ended.
15:00 sums up the dynamics of a toxic 8 year relationship. the breakup was devastating. it's been 4 years and i have been with other women in the meantime but i dont think i'll ever be the same again.
Literally spoke this exact topics with my therapist 2 days ago and she told me exactly this. Guess this is the universe's way to make the message really get to me
7:11 You simply nailed my long time frustration! :D It just so annoying when people just give advice but doesn't even tell us how to do it or explain what does it mean clearly. Like they just assume we already know it when we really don't and we're even more confused than clarified. Those people don't give advice as good as Dr. K's advice. Dr. K just have the best advices and insights ever that most people who gives advice just miss. I appreciate you Dr. K and I have learned a lot from you!
Speaking as someone who has gone through unthinkable trauma in my childhood and dealt with 12 years of narcissistic abuse from my teens to my late 20s, learning how go have compassion for myself has been such a huge game changer but it was the most difficult thing I can imagine learning when, your whole life, you’ve been told by the people who are supposed to care about you that your existence is worth absolutely nothing. I’m 37 now and it’s only over the past year that I’ve started being gentler with myself and I’m able to care for myself so much better now. Like I’m eating healthy, exercising, being more open about my feelings, am able to put more energy into maintaining friendships, etc. but it was such a hard road. And honestly a lot of the credit goes to Dr. K and these videos for clearly explaining HOW TO ACTUALLY DO IT so I’m just expressing my gratitude over here that someone is actually going through the trouble of thoroughly explaining these things and making this information accessible.
It's not just the fact that that I'm lonely and lack a relationship, it's also the fact that my life in general isn't going anywhere, and I've given up trying at this point.. I live in a state with limited opportunities, online work of all kinds is competitive and impossible to compete with, it's difficult to save money while having the ability to spend it. I just have so much stacked against me that it's not even worth trying to be happy anymore because it all takes too much effort. Top that off with failed attempts at relationships that damage my opinion of women, dozens of decaying friendships, and being stuck in an hellhole of a planet filled with corruption and impossible costs of living just makes me more and more hopeless I have no control over my life and I'm at a point where it's time to just give up. I'm emotionally checked out and I already plan to end my life once my parents have passed.
When people do actually like me i push them away. Then i am desperate for connection. I feel like my boundaries and freedom are being threatened, since what i lacked as a child was freedom, healthy boundaries and space. Anyone else relate?
I needed to hear this, working on yourself because your lonely and then still ending up being lonely is such a cycle of suffering and a catch-22 situation. Not many people realize this and I have been stuck in this cycle so many times, like I work on myself but I still end up in the same situation. So I hate all these people who talk about loneliness without being aware of this, and people who don't have such self-awareness fall into this trap. I'm so glad Dr K is dispelling the truth and creating awareness of this nasty harsh trap. I'm glad I found this.
I feel called out and it all makes perfect sense. I need to stop the self-loathing. Once I go to therapy and get my self esteem sorted out it should be a whole lot better.
I love that you have the attitude to work on yourself, but try not to come to the point of once "i do this etc i will be fixed", self-love is a slow process and nothing is determined, so even tho you are improving having that deterministic mindset that youll just be fixed doesnt work because we arent "monolithic creatures" as Dr K states. you'll have your ups and downs, and that is perfectly ok. (also watching the interveiw, 'Why you're behind in life' has a really good point on 'being fixed' mentality) hopefully this helps you but you always take this with a grain of salt because only you know you're life! May you be loved, may you be free, may you find peace!!
I mean... I feel desperate and alone but my problem is I don't really go out to meet people in the first place. Less going out = less chances to meet people = less chances to meet women = less chances to start a relationship. I feel there is more to it than that (like being generally quiet and shy). I never got to the point of even having an intimate relationship... In just a few months I'm will achieve the status of wizard! (Ignore that if you don't get the meme lol)
Nice, I have to wait another two years to achieve that status. But we will persevere!!! (and hope that the wizard status is not restricted to video games, because that would be a scam)
34 V-izard here, I simply find all the social events are boring and nothing in this world gets my interest. Something good happens, I would ask "What's the catch", it can't be real. If I want to experience something, internet is the best place to experience it for free. When I spent a lot chasing a girl back then, it all went to toilet the moment she stops responding my message, dating is just like fraud. It's an investment you will lose 100% of it and patience won't get you back, unlike stock market. At least I learnt not to invest too much in one basket now and completely understand not everyone can or want to find a girl.
How old are you? You're probably making the important changes early on. I think as dudes we have an internal inclination to take action and I think you can tap into that feeling of taking charge, while ignoring the discomfort. I don't know if I'm making it up in my head, but I do feel there's an internal thing of "taking charge" you can tap into which comes with being a guy.
I have been a wizard for about a year now and ironically I have improved at my profession and even got a better job since then. Coincidence? It's up for you to decide! XD
Its soo hard to accept oneself because my mind is always singing negative things that push my esteem down in which it makes me feel like ill forever be lonely its not easy 😢
I love how the default assumption when men say they're lonely and lack intimacy is that they just want sex and objectify women. Pretty cool way to dismiss and invalidate people, guys. Way to go! You're doing it! You're saving the city!
I mean a lot of people, including yourself seeing how mad you get at the topic and identify yourself with the people this post is about and not the poster, see women that way whether it be subconsciously or consciously
@@JB-mh5xy yes because you getting mad about people calling incels sh1tty people isn't a self report but requires me to have mind reading powers which will somehow win me the lottery
I am lonely, I am desperate, I am trying to understand and master myself and my own inclinations. See you on the other side and I wish you the best of luck! ^^
Okay wow this explains a lot of the last relationship I had with a girl. Kind of like what Dr K said she was so so patient and understanding about my issues but I sort of made it a reason to hate myself more because I could not reciprocate the care she provided. Anyway, I'm grateful for this video. Cheers Dr K and the community 😃
I am single, I have like 2 close friends that I talk to and I rarely ever go out. I'm like literally alone most of the time but I don't *feel* alone if that makes sense. I was always okay with being with myself and being alone and I never understood how people were so desperate to get into relationships and stuff. This really explained a lot of things to me
I also feel exactly the same, my question is… is it okay to be this way? I don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship, I also don’t have the sexual drive to have sex like others…..Im pretty happy where I am. I do want to get married and have kids in the future.
@DONICMAGMA Hey man I also didn't really get that much love growing up. It's tough sometimes I get it. Much love from a random stranger on the internet
I'm not trying to be rude or knock your lifestyle but humans are social creatures by nature. It's literally written in most humans biology to make families, reproduce, connect to others etc. Being by yourself can drive most insane.
Where was this 35 years ago when I went through four years of college with no dating relationships at all? Did fine academically, more socially active than at any other time of my life with a great gang of friends, had dated somewhat in high school despite being something of an isolated loner at that time, but all through college never dated anyone. It just wasn't "happening" as it had before and I had no idea what to do. Spent most of my senior year talking to a counselor at the university clinic, and achieved nothing. All I did was talk while she sat there doing nothing and hardly speaking at all. There was clearly something I wasn't doing, I wanted to take action but had no idea what. Whenever I voiced this frustration all I got was something like "what do YOU think you should do?" or "why are you so concerned about this?" It got pretty painful, and it started a trend of serious depression which led me to years of medication and their side effects. Yet at every turn it seemed no one took me seriously, like it wasn't a REAL problem, that I shouldn't let it bother me. NONE of these things were ever mentioned! How much better things might have been had I been taken seriously.
When I see Dr k I feel inspired to be more empathetic. This dude clearly loves his job. And it make me as a viewer wanna do something meaningful in life as well.
I knew the whole "Girls can smell your desperation" thing wasn't what the problem was! Even when I was going through a similar situation the weird dehumanisation really rubbed me the wrong way about that. And the fact that it was the capacity to think about others really cleared it up.
I feel like it's such shitty advice too and kind of feeds back into the self judgement and deprication. It makes it so that it seems like the problem is above you and out of your control. Because no matter what you do you WILL come off as desperate and therefore unattractive. It's framed in such a shitty way that's so unhelpful to the person who's feeling not good.
@@ViiZiiOnZ915 I don't think it's a binary. Obviously on a spectrum being desperate won't help your case but to be aware of this issue in my eyes is a big part of it. You probably will come off desperate, if you are desperate, but it's more about how your desperation makes you act. Obviously there can be other things at play but for me the different kinds of advice like "Focus on yourself, don't think about relationships" lead into me trying to improve my social skills which made me overthink less about my interactions with girls in regards to the feedback loop. I had more space to allow a relationship to flourish because I wasn't occupied with the feedback loop (as much) Hope this helps if you're going through this
@@mellow-mike that's great man I'm happy for you! I think for the most part people don't know what to do with the advice "just focus on yourself" especially because it's so nebulous. And like Dr k says in this video, nobody really tells you HOW or what to do when you're "working on yourself". Idk like i think it's cool it worked for you but Im not sure how easy it is for most people to just get out of the feedback loop like you did. It definitely takes some more help
I'm struggling with many things at the moment, but I'm very grateful to be on the far side of this problem. I've still got work to do in this capacity, I'm sure, but for the most part this was just an entertaining watch, rather than a poignant one.
I've felt alone for the past 6 months after my breakup with my Fiancee, she told me she didn't love me anymore after years of basically taking care of her and trying to help her. I realised I was in a toxic relationship where I gave a lot and received very little. One of my best friends helped me out of the darkness that I was in, I thought I'd be broken for a long time but now I feel like I'm getting much better and I feel stronger for it. I feel like I would've dwelled in the depths for a long time and become a very bitter and angry person, which I absolutely hated because I experienced it before and during my breakup.
It is hard to work on yourself. I already reached a point of internal happiness and it wasnt easy. I went thru several stages, the weirdest one was the anger stage, id blame society for my struggles. Its a long journey but its worth it. Now i love the person im alone with, Myself. Loving yourself is as literal as it gets, i literally did things to make myself fall in love with who i am, which helped me see who i really am. Took myself out, id compliment things of myself every morning, at first its weird cus u are a stranger to yourself, but you slowly start seeing your issues, the things u need to fix, then u become a person you love being. What really did it for me, is i stopped caring so much about my needs, i helped others, and discovered so much from myself. Im not saying im done, i will never be done, i love this journey, its very full filling
I used to feel very very lonely some time ago but...I had burn out/depresssion and decided to actually aknowledge myself. I'm been searching for all the events, habits and past beliefs that made me sad. It's like digging in the ground. It's very slow, and tiring but as I dig more and more stuff out, I feel better. Working on yourself won't erase all of the solitude. But everyday, looking in the mirror will be less painful. And...being face to face with yourself, hating yourself less every day,well, you feel less lonely you know ? Edit: also, having friends that call you out lovingly and accept the whole of you. That help. Having a lover is not an emergency
23:10-23:54 Amen!!! This sums up my experiences of dating insecure men SO WELL!!! It doesn’t matter what I do or how accepting and loving I am. Until his relationship with himself changes, he decides he’s a a shithead and hides himself away from me. Then I get my heart broken and all my energy and investment in him was wasted. I am learning my lesson and am now a lot less likely to go out with men with low self-worth.
any other women in their 30s that follows Dr. K? a lot of his followers seem to be young men. he does give some good advice. i like that he does include a lot of science and research studies in his content, considering he does have a MD
this has helped explain to me why i feel the way i do, thank you. i ruined a good relationship because i was afraid of them leaving me since they were improving, and that desperation made her actually leave in the end.
so I'm doing my chem HW and have been listening to a couple of these and Im grateful I decided to turn this on I've learned so much about myself and how to do better and think more positivly thank you Dr. K
At this point I’m just scared to be hurt so I’m not putting in the required effort, I feel like I’d rather be alone than to fish through all the fake people that claim to care about you but only care for themselves.
Getting better with this. God I wish I watched this channel before rehab and two years of sober houses. Builds character and in some ways I went through it. But I wish I hadn’t had to
I fantasize about a relationship where we emotionally depend on each other so much I sometimes resent the idea that "co-dependence" is bad. The idea that somebody who is so emotionally starved would be hyper-self focused makes sense but is pretty scary since I would like to believe I am focused on others but perhaps my emotional/touch/w starvation has made me more self focused. I believe a lot of relationships are sabotaged by people being focused on a fantasy version of the relationship and I suspect feeling desperate beforehand increases you focus on that fantasy. I'm not sure if trying to make the fantasy wholesome really helps or not.
You lose yourself in the other person with co-dependence and that feels like shit. You feel guilty if you're happy and they're sad, and at least my ex wanted me to emotionally coddle her constantly, which got me blamed for the actions she willingly did, or I'd be blamed for having a bad day and not acting the same love-dovey way. It was hell. Everything was always about her, she wouldn't even get curious about me in any way and continue about herself 24/7. At the end I essentially told her she was self-centered and left. I think she still believes she's perfect and like I gave up early. I was happy to have a relationship, but I now remember I was happier when she was away in a different city. LOL. You don't really want these things, the feel-good of love wears off, the negatives outweigh eventually. I survived 3 months. Good luck on that.
being emotionally supportive and emotionally dependent are completely different. co dependence is selling yourself for and to someone else, and vice versa. neither of you are _you_, you're just reflections of the other person.
Co-dependence is only bad if both you and the other person is imperfect, because being let down when you depend on them is horrible. I would advise you seek a relationship with God
co-dependence is gangster if you both have an element of secure attachment that you can find through your deep trust and bond. honestly that's the ideal relationship - it gets a bad reputation because it's usually one sided and co-deps are vulnerable to predatory personality disorders.
I think that talking with people is just yet another skill to master, so at one point you just have to invest your souls into it instead of only vigor and strength lmao.
HOLY SMOKES! This is another great episode! You are doing God's work Dr. K!!! These self love episodes are really helping me understand myself and my predicament even more, allowing me to find ways on how to get out of it and not feel so doomed! THANK YOU!
I just miss having someone there to share experiences with. It's not the same as friends. I loved having someone who loved me for all my flaws. I miss having someone make me smile at the slightest things. I miss having unconditional support of my goals. I don't care too much about intimacy anymore, just the companionship. Not desperate yet, but lord knows I'm lonely. Cranking that Midwest emo to 11
What if you, like me, improved yourself dramatically and stopped focusing on the relationship, improved as in all areas, lost 40 lbs, got in shape and fit with gym etc( some other things were already fine, regarding studies or social skills) and absolutely nothing changed?
You should continue to improve, but your attributes aren’t going to fix your love life by themselves. You gotta kick any desperation within yourself, focus on making connections (this takes some ebb & flow), and show people this is who I am and what I want
External things are great to improve and not a lot of people do that so big up to you for doing that👏 .. However the biggest thing is shifting internally. Changing your beliefs about yourself, what you believe is possible for you and your stories/ identity in life. People who do that can literally become who ever the want.
I’m a fixer nice guy who ended up dating a (most likely) narcissist for 3.5 years. The hell I went through during the relationship and for 2 years AFTER I left her forced me to grow up in some ways, but it’s definitely made me a jaded cynical person who quit trying to find a good woman, and is maybe slightly misogynistic because I’ve only experienced the worst of women. I’ve done the work on myself for 5 years, And I still can’t break out of my pattern of apathy towards dating, yet all I want is a partner who truly appreciates me and reciprocates my level of loyalty and effort. It’s an interesting paradox. All this to say, I’ll give the meditation a shot lol
Currently going through a bit of a desperation phase, I've never had a proper relationship, closest thing was when I was like 12, but really it was just a friendship and being 12 we needed to justify being different genders. Anyway last week, I'm on something of a holiday in Ireland and I met this amazing girl in a club. We hit it off. It's going incredible. We're both incredibly attracted to one another and spend from them until 4am together. After the club, we went to an after party and spent the whole time sitting together chatting, where I essentially unload a lot of my beliefs about life and how I struggle to see value in myself. She's urging me to speak about this, and I thank her for letting me speak my mind, but eventually the afters come to an end, I walk her back to her hostel, she feels awkward taking me back to her room given there's 5 other people in there currently asleep, which is perfectly understandable. Then I go back to my own hostel. I see her again the next night, she pulls me by the hand onto the dance floor, and we spend a bit of time together again, but this time she disappears back to her friends. She left no indication she wanted me to join, so to avoid intruding I leave her alone until the very end of the night when the club closes and I tell her how I'm leaving the country right there and then - my flights are 8am the next morning, a 3 hour coach away and the airport supposedly has a staff shortage so requires you show up earlier than usual. She tells me she wants to invite me back to Ireland some point in the future, and wants me to truly enjoy myself, which sounds amazing and I am excited to do, except she's not read my messages since Tuesday, and now is Friday. I know I can't expect an immediate reply, I know it's very selfish to be so impatient but I've started doubting everything, like in our modern era everyone's on their phones minimum once a day, how do you resist opening your messages? I think about how it could be something bad has happened, and she's not in the mood to talk to the stranger she met last weekend, which is also fine but it makes it very awkward if I urge a response and then become the asshole who couldn't leave her alone. I also think about the difference in those two days we met, and how perhaps while she acted interested in my mental health, that was just being respectful because she knew I was relieved to be able to relieve the stress of holding it all in, and inevitably it did make me less attractive to her when I started being nihilistic. The biggest issue is that I'm still thinking about her constantly, checking for lost notifications, thinking about possible scenarios, but odds are that I've disappeared from her mind altogether until she finally reads the messages, and when we return to conversation, I'm still as fond of her as ever while in her eyes I've reverted to a mere aquaintence. Either way, just ranting on here. Seemed related to this video. I don't expect a reply or anything, but I guess if you want to, how long is too long to give up on a message back?
I'm sorry to say but like that was in the moment experience. After that the work begins , you clearly want a relationship of some sort past friendship more intimate. She has not shown interest past a good time. Mayhaps you'll meet again in the future and itll be your time but I think for now it's best to move on. Dont waste your time on things that could have been. If she messages you again in a month 3 months a year then ok keep it friendly social but please dont be desperate when youd only met once and spent 2 days together. The day before you left her you should have been upfront you wanted more but now I personally think that ship has sailed
@@SemekiIzuio yeah I've moved on now. It still just kinda sucks but the extent she would wait between messages, intentional or not, I couldn't have a relationship like that so I stopped trying to make it one.
You wrote something very pivotal about your discussion. "I told her how I struggle to see value in myself.......she urged me to speak about this". What she meant that she wanted you to speak to a therapist or a professional. It might have been more than a holiday romance, but she withdrew when she realised that you needed a therapist more than a girlfriend.
@christiansnaturestudio6599 I am not seeking to date a woman, but I appreciate the sentiment 😅 I have felt the same about my last relationship... Edit: Just in case you thought I was gay, I am not 🤣 I realized I didn't specify
@RosheenQuynh my bad for assuming 😆. I had *never a real relationship with an awesome before, although my last date with a beautiful woman was 3 months ago 🤣
This helped me figure out why men act like this on the internet sometimes and i appreciate it ❤ Is it possible to do this again but with woman perspective? I am curious on how they deal with loneliness and feeling desperation for love/sex/relationship.
Based on what I've seen on the internet, irl, and my own experiences as a woman... women usually deal with loneliness and desperation by: * jumping into relationships, usually with those older who they feel will see them as mature and take them seriously. Most of which isn't at all about "being mature" and turns toxic very quickly * they try to shape themselves into what society and those around them consider ideal * turns into a pick me and will do or say anything for male validation. They will push other women under the bus in a heartbeat to get the approval of a guy * and lastly they will for the most part (if not completely), stop seeking and waiting on a man to notice her. They will just stop hoping for it to ever happen and shut down the possibility of a man being genuinely interested in them, which results in further isolation and despair. It something that happens a lot among straight women. Since they sorta loss interest in men, but will still beat themselves up for secretly wanting them and being attracted to them in the first place
these videos are really interesting bc its eyeopener to what men go through, tho i feel like a video about us would be helpful too, its not like we have it all perfect and know how to deal with this too. in my expirience im an introvert, and i like being alone, but i found out that if i live alone for a long period of time i get very lonely and kinda let myself go. relationship wise i never been in one and im in my early twenties, but i never been interested, or i have problems for this subject because its hard for me to trust someone so much as you would with a partner. im rarelly horny like once a month so thats that, it's prob different for other women tho. other than that i just have a ton of hobbies to keep me occupied from thinking about love ig lol, also to me right now i feel like i need to accomplish more if i want to be in a relationship, rn im working out and trying to study for a job. at the same time theres also this pressure that if i want a partner i should find someone quickly before i get too old and unlikeable so i always feel like theres a clock ticking. but at the sametime im not desperate for any of these.
Lost me at “pick me”. I find that there’s really no such thing, but rather just women who make and value different things than what feminism wants them too, and apparently that a big no no now a days.
@@cocojlly1375 the last one I feel is so accurate and tbh I’m starting to get into this territory. I know that to stop being miserable for being single I need to stop believing that a man/relationship will solve all my loneliness problems. But at the same time I wonder if I’m actually just withdrawing further and cutting off any possibility of a relationship because I’m no longer open to it.
@@throwaway5926 Yes, "pick me" is sometimes used that way, but there are absolutely people who compromise parts of themselves to suck up to others. To say there's no such thing is delusional imo
Have you looked at energetic therapies like somatic experiencing, EFT? EFT is esp good because it's self applied, although it's best to sign up for some sessions with a practitioner. It was being done by phone LONG before the pandemic, which cuts down on cost and widens availability. Also do an allergies test and look at changing your diet when you get the results. My body has been a mini lab and I realised some years ago that when I eat wheat and gluten that I get over sensitized and angry AF. It's definitely worth investigating. Also sleeping well is vital too, as well as getting exercise. It sounds like sucking eggs, but these things (or lack of) have a HUGE effect on your mental, emotional and physical well being.
I like how he talk about self focus as not selfishness. As so there's no shaming. Cause shaming wouldn't help in finding an actual solution. It's just a bad habit. It can develop in many ways. Learning from others,coping mechanism,media influence etc. We are all self centered to an extent ofc. But the point is to have a balance. Caring about us and the world around us. That's a healthy approach imo. I feel like reading fiction,getting control of my anxiety a lil bit and also growing up helped me a lot with lowering the self focus a bit.
I learned how to respect boundaries but either wasn't taught or didn't pick up how to set them for myself and others, And* the enforcement of what happens when those lines are crossed
this videos timing... loneliness is something that I've been struggling with for a while but ever since covid hit it has been something I've felt more intensely. I have been repeating the pattern of wanting to connect for the sake of soothing the pain of loneliness and mostly just focusing on my needs for the longest time and I didn't even fully realize that's what I was doing until recently. I have a friend of mine who has distanced himself a bit nit too long ago because of this and I have reached out to try to make things work and I want to understand him better and how he feels about the connection. Even if it doesn't work out I'm just glad that I've reached a new level of self awareness and I'll try not to make the same mistake in the future.
I absolutely HATE the general vague answers to serious problems. Nothing irks me more than when people try to solve a huge complex issue with just 1 small phrase and act like that does anything. Someone is struggling with a class and has all these problems they're dealing with? "Work harder" Someone is struggling emotionally and can't find friends or love? "Work on yourself" Someone is struggling to get into new hobbies and find new interests? "Just try something" These are not answers, they don't do anything. Achieving a goal requires clarity, it requires specifics, a plan. Vague is the opposite of motivating, it does nothing for you. If someone goes "I have a problem with keeping to the gym and working out consistently" and a person responds "Just work out", that's gonna have a COMPLETELY different effect than saying "Ok well every day at 3:00pm, go to the gym and just do 1 area on your body. Monday do arms, Tuesday do legs, Wednesday do arms, etc and then do 30 minutes of Cardio at the end". That gives you a clear plan, a clear method to achieve your goals. THIS is what needs to happen for lonely and desperate people, not just dismissing them with these general phrases and then when they don't get it, just blaming them for not doing anything.
Agreed people who are Linley have a multitude of issues and problems. Its important to look at how you spend your time and then find hobbies and interests
That was very good for a self check and I'm super happy you talked about this. Cause I cannot describe how many times I've - due to my own needs and experience with needing support - reached out to help, been helpful and been patient and careful about both sides and paid for it dearly. Exactly due to that dynamic. Just like you cannot safely approach a starving wolf and how you don't feel comfortable around a dog who growls at anything and anyone and you, if you dare to step away, take your resources for yourself or share it with other ppl, too. Aka hogging behaviour. That goes even as far as shaming the giver for not being available just cause they're "needed". I've done my homework very well and continue to do so. And I already can tell, that I will need ppl around me who are either OK and abundant in a way that will allow me a period of time where I simply received (actually with support by actively telling me that we are taking care of me now, cause I'm that caring). Or people where our areas of need and areas of abundance compliment each other AND are regarded equally. So we could fill eaach other's cups and support each other into slowly gaining footing in the respective other area. The mutual respect of areas being really really crucial. Cause the patriarchy has fed patters where that is not a default. Which means that my area of abundance is by default viewed as "lesser". And hence, if a person has not actively dismantled that bias, we will not have a chance to nuture a healthy relationship. As the perceived (but not real) lack of fairness can easily lead for the relationship to rot. It's for crying out loud. When your fortitude is on the archaic feminine scape for large parts, it's like trying to balance between unwarranted disregard and the risk of getting eaten up alive. Comical, no? So so so so many people want it, yet so few are willing to feed and maintain the providers, so that (we/)they could keep it up. It is slightly possible for people who navigate that on a professional level (and really, there's still heaps of balancing to do there) but then on a personal relationship level, it's a real serious struggle to develop anything even remotely balanced. ////orz//// The nature of the problem(s) in and on itself is a massive obstacle to safely provide or receive support. No mental health skill is more crucial than that of temperance!! It's the gate that we can safely provide through and safely receive through, wihtout each attemmpt leaving us with more damage than the healing that is done!
I remember talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting that I'm terrible in conversations because I'm always focused on myself. I had actually thought that was the reason I had little luck in relationships, since women would be willing to date me when I sought out dates (now, naturally, I had more misses than hits but that's just life) but I very often just found they ghosted me after a few dates. I realize that I had noticed a symptom more than a cause, and I know I'm generally pretty self-centered (these days in a more neutral way, I see both flaws and qualities in myself in equal measure so I got that going for me which is nice) I think, I live very strongly confined within my own head. I'd preached (and still believe, to a degree) that self-sufficiency, especially emotional self-sufficiency is a good tool. But I guess for all my preaching at others to not overindulge and let whatever they're doing overtake them I let my own want for emotional self-sufficiency run rampant.But, like, can you blame me? literally no one in my family is willing to listen to me, or see me for who I am. My mom sees me as her kid who is unhappy and she decided I'm unhappy because I'm not like she wants me to be, my grandpa is at least pretty blatant in that he has no clue tf I'm about but at least he tries to be supportive and to my cousins-whom I have been raised close to-see me as simply a game-obsessed shut-in and I understand this may seem like a negative self-perception being projected onto others but I promise you if there is projection going on it is not to a significant degree, these things have been told to me directly. in the end, I guess I just need to figure out how to slowly let other's lives back into mine.
I never got physical affection or kind words as a child. I cannot continue to take care of myself without validation. Why should I go to the gym and dress good when there's nobody there to notice? I just want emotional connection from somebody. No sex, no hookups, no mind numbing situationship, just a real human interaction.
Exactly right? I always feel that way as well. Why do these things when I am sure I will be alone anyways. I did start working out eventually, consistently for about half a year. I saw some early results. Then I somehow ended up dating a girl for 2 months. That didn't have anything to do with me working out though. But after those 2 months she ended it. And ever since, stronger than ever before, I feel like wtf am I doing it all for? It took me 30 years to ask someone out. And I am convinced I wont find another.
It's never going to be good enough to watch people on any social media, and send them likes or comments. It's empty mental calories. It's like talking to a photo. Having people in the room with you is always going to be better. We're connected, but we're not THERE. You can't reach out and hug a screen. You can't do anything more than talk AT someone online. It's impossible to talk WITH someone. You can't offer someone a coffee, or show them how you feel, or be THERE for anyone. Being there in person is immensely better than talking to a phone or a screen. You can't swipe away from a real person RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, and we need more real people RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. I know I do.
You say people need other people to grow and evolve. That is why I encourage myself to communicate and often feel disappointed and regret it. Seems like my each extra text message or phone call was uncalled for. Like I overshared even if I actually didn't. I think communication is very overestimated these days. We need to learn to keep our feelings to ourselves and survive in loneliness.
The sad thing is this doesn't just affect my romantic prospects, but also trying to make friends in general. This self criticism is literally making me so undesirable, which in turn manifests itself IRL, then people around me will eventually find me off-putting, and I absorb that feedback. I created a self sabotaging cycle. A looping nightmarish hell.
Must cut the loop asap. Good luck friend.
This might seem like poor advice. But I'd say, stop trying. Take steps toward something you'd like to do/get involved with (where there are other people, preferably irl) and then you'll most likely meet other people there with that same interest. One day you ask someone if they want to get a drink/bite to eat afterwards/or you'll get asked yourself. BOOM, you have the beginning of friendship. Give up on the idea of needing friends to feel good - instead enjoy the little conversations in your everyday life. Good luck.
@@user-or8go3vp7y Same...surprised this is mostly a male problem. Its so hard for me to be emotionally open even with friends and so they turn out empty connections and never go anywhere. It is probably easier for the average woman to open up emotionally due to society being okay with it and not get trapped in this loop but it really depends on your upbringing I guess. Anyway, we are not alone on this at least.
200 iq comment here,you just described my life
@@user-or8go3vp7y tbh, I'm not too sure it actually is. It might just be the narrative the internet is focused on a lot. From my experience, most of the women I know have the exact same problems I do when it comes to socializing. There may be a cultural aspect that actually does show that men do have it worse, but I think that the internet has enflamed it, like it usually does.
Edit: changed "girls"to "women"
I think it is sad that lonely people are often times softly or blatantly blamed for their loneliness. Comments like="Work on yourself", "wear better clothes", "meet more people", "exercise" are thrown around at people expressing loneliness. As if the lonely person isn't working on themselves, wich is true sometimes. But even dating people and normal people often don't work on themselves really. And that doesn't mean they diserve to be lonely or get blamed for being lonely.
@@Dimitris_Half how exactly am i dodging responsibility? Have i said loneliness is somebody elses respondobility but the lonely persons? (In some situations it is, minors for example shoud be looked after by their parents and teachers etc. To make sure they aren't lonely). Third of all, i didn't mention sexuality at all, so you are most likely projecting on me.
Just World Fallacy, bro
This crap is so old it even appears in the Bible, in the form of the friends of Job accusing him of being a sinner, when in reality he was in that pickle because he was the exact opposite of a sinner.
I dress pretty decently, groom my hair, shower everyday, moisturize my skin and yet somehow, I’m still single and lonely. I’m pretty average looking and skinny but for some reason, no woman has ever asked me out.
I am disabled and don't have a caregiver. Without a caregiver I literally can't wear better clothes or meet new people (irl)
I started exercising more, developed a skincare routine that I stick to daily, started flossing and brushing twice a day, showering more frequently, put on deodorant, dress nicer, putting myself out there more by asking a girl out, yet in the end I still feel like a magnet. Not the attractive forces of magnet, but the repulsive force. It's strange because I feel like it happens everywhere I go, no matter which place I'm in. I'm the type to open up and talk more freely with people I know more. Of course this is a sign that I'm the common denominator and my anxiety and lack of social skills remain and make it hard to socialize. But I just wish people would look past their first impressions of me and get to know me. I feel like I would be a pretty good friend and partner if I got the chance.
Thirty seconds in, and I’m already called out. Well played.
Thats why we here 😂😅
He low key gaslighting
@@memenazi7078 Aren't you gaslighting us about him right now? 🧐😆
Title only and I'm already called out bru
This channel has been lifesaving for me lol
I never really felt desperate for sex. I did feel desperate for emotional connection though. I became emotionally distant with everyone including family. My family always seemed more concerned with their own well-being after all. Now I'm okay with being alone, but that won't help me progress in life.
For me it was never about sex or girls. If anything i wanted homies. thats what comes first in my book
@@TattooMyBones I do too, but they kind of keep abandoning me. Had a lot of that growing up too. I keep making new friends and trying to hang out with them though.
@RedactedAndExpunged I really like your comment. Thanks for the humor. It's very appreciated.
Yeah i do feel the same way. I dont really go out(just to work and for food). I do realease that i need to go out more to meet more people or girls to find relationship, but at the same time im so used being allone, and feel doing this by myself is pointless(since i had so much bad expierence doing it by myself), i would need some help by someone to be social again and that is unlikely. I dont think that im ugly or desprerate and still doubt i can become social or be in relationship without any help. Time will tell i guess. Constantly working on myself, eating healthy, working out is my main goal now in life. Btw i was really social and had probably too much friends when i was a kid,but everything change on teen years.
@@t0lex14 Taking the time to try to talk to people is important for being social. You'll get less awkward in conversation by doing it more. My advice is to make sure you don't get discouraged if it doesn't go well. You won't mesh well with everyone and that's okay.
When I was dealing with depression and anxiety at the worst. The biggest step was learning to not be as hard on my self. I kept putting all these to do's and goals that were well out of reach. Learning to congratulate myself for taking a shower, cooking a meal, and doing the dishes was a step forward. Because than I started to have successful days even if they were minor accomplishments to other people. That along with trying to shift my focus to other people's needs really helped.
I should've done something similar to you. Instead I took the "Jordan Peterson" approach, seeing them as some sort of necessary suffering and signs of me being lazy or not "manning up", which has caused some lasting damage that made me less empathetic than when I was younger.
The day I realized it's not all my fault was the day that the clouds finally parted and I've felt completely different ever since then. That was years ago now. It was a weird thing, because the epiphany came absolutely out of nowhere just as I was going to work. The only advice I too can give is to learn to forgive yourself.
@@Blirre very true, and realizing you can't control everything is massive.
May you be happy, may you be free, may you be at peace.
@@williampan29 I was fortunate to have a number of friends and family help me up along with a good counselor. It definitely was my doing that got me on my feet.
I'm a 30 year old wizard, I am so touch starved and emotionally stunted that at one point in my mid twenties I went on a journey to improve myself into someone who was worthy of affection and love. At some point I just kinda gave up and tried to find fulfillment in other pursuits like art, higher education, new hobbies and traveling, so now I don't think about it to much... although sometimes the loneliness sneaks up on you, when you traveled to somewhere incredible like Eiffel tower or New York city or make it on to a new milestone on a new pasión project and you don't have someone to share it with. No one to bare your soul out in the twilight hours under the warmth of the bed sheets, just yourself and your thoughts... good video topic, love your chanel 👍
@@Dimitris_Half its almost as if human beings are social animals who seek human connection. Mindblowing!
*too
@@Dimitris_Half just spend thousands on travel?? That’s the cure?!?!
Yeah I've traveled and it only made me feel more lonely
Gaming can make people feel really disconnected and lonely. People should just meet up, make friends and do stuff.
Travel might help a lot but if you're unable to relate it's a trap.
As a person with depressive tendencies, learning to love myself on my own is nearly impossible. Sometimes in order to see my own worth and value in an unclouded manner, it helps to let others expose traits that I might downplay of myself in negative self thought loops.
"Work on yourself" is not something that needs to be done completely alone.
My situation right now 😮💨
A lot of people don't seem to understand that the vast majority of people who are experiencing this type of loneliness, both romantically and socially, are more than likely individuals who are not socialize to fit in. They did not meet the proper developmental markers that they should have in their youth, developing friend groups in experiencing dating in their teens in the problem just grows from there. They get into their twenties unable to relate to their 20-something year-old peers due to their lack of lived experience in their teen years and then they become 30 something year olds who cannot relate to their 30 something year old peers due to their lack of experience in their twenties. They are on a never-ending train of loneliness, depression and misery that's 10 years behind where it should be on the track.
The reason why people oftentimes give individuals like us the worst advice is Because, unless you know this experience, it's incredibly hard if not impossible to understand what it's like to not have relationships with people and truly be lonely. This is something that the average human being is not experiencing. Social life is rather predictable and the average human being is socialized well enough to meet developmental markers necessary to have the average social experience. Most people could not survive this experience if all of what they had was stripped away from them and they were made to live the life that we do.
People who have always received external validation on some level are highly unaware of how much external validation they have received which has been the basis upon which their sense of self-esteem is perched because receiving external validation is largely the only experienced they have ever known. It's like trying to explain to a fish that it is in water when it has never come out of the see... these people are blind to just how much they have received external validation and because their external validation has given them a great sense of self-esteem they truly believe that "just feeling good about yourself" is the only one way out of loneliness....
Those of us who have not received that external validation wander through life with a certain sense of unease; wondering if we are good enough and unable to convince ourselves with positive thinking that we ARE "enough" because (by far and large) life has never shown us an experience where we are good enough to be seen, heard and treated like we matter by others.
Mariah Carey has a song with lyrics that go " and suddenly, you are lying here with me, and the truths I used to hold have changed". I think that lyric just about sums up a harsh aspect of our human existence... In many ways you need other people to show up in your life for the "truths" you hold in life to change..... this includes whatever "truths" individuals believed about themselves. No one is ever going to "positive thinking" themselves out of feeling like a lonely loser who isn't good enough if they don't have any external proof to show that they are indeed not a loser and good enough. A person / people have to come into their life and show up in a way that will lead to the "truths" they once held changing"
Great comment. I've been trying to work on this for YEARS. Can't seem to ever feel like I fit in, and I'm fucking 31 now.
Finding real love is challenging for all of us.
@@katarina6724 you have Snapchat?
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 this issue isn't limited to people "finding real love"
@@13579hee not sure how to solve this issue long term
This channel is somethin else... Helped me become less clingy, and is currently helping me with this shit
Thanks HG...
It's just made me realize I had issues lmao I haven't been able to get to the point it is fixed though
@@adambaker6794 you'll make it, don't worry.
Something I always tell myself is that "a person has infinite chances as long as they're alive"
@@Zamu273 that's a good one
Nah nah nah nah nah.. “take time to focus on you bro” I’ve been doing that for the last 15 years and I’m fed up
Agreed, people just toss that piece of advice around without even thinking.
@@cynicalidealist11I agree. some people hear it and don’t actually change anything
100%, fuck all these influencers spewing this pea-brained stuff
When Dr. K addressed that lame piece of advice people love to give I was like “thank you!”. People used to get married in their late teens and therapy didn’t exist, they simply grew together in their marriages. Postponing relationships to “grow” is like postponing going to college because you want to get a bachelors degree first. It’s dumb advice.
Sometimes I wake up and feel lonelier than a star in the middle of the universe. that feeling of boredom and the feeling that no one cares about you or no one asks you how your day was. Sometimes you want to go out with friends and you already know how to have fun, but sometimes pride, insecurity or fear, whatever you want to call it, keeps you from ever trying to make friends or trying to improve your relationship with your loved ones. . I go through this every day and I am aware that I have to improve many things that often make me feel depressed and bad.
I recently got into my 1st serious relationship in my life and I didn’t realize how alone and touch starved I really was until now. This video really helped.
I envy ppl in relationships so bad. Ik if i got a gf my depression would be fixed. I try so hard but everyone around me gets relationships effortlessly while I fail consistently. I wanna give up but at that point i might as well kms.
@@icecoldnazo5335 how do you know that if you got into a relationship that your depression would be fixed?
@@icecoldnazo5335 getting a gf won't fix your depression, why do you think it would?
@@throwaway9347 if i am in a high quality one yh it would. I do psychology and every study on happiness has consistently found that the key to happiness isn't money or materialistic shit but high quality relationships. I can chase money and other goals as much as I want but it doesn't matter cos I am always gonna feel empty without another person.
@@icecoldnazo5335 trust me it wouldn't, take it from me. Neither losing my virginity nor a good relationship got rid of my depression but working on myself did. It alleviated symptoms for a while and worked only because we were both starved for affection, but you get dependent on it and when it's gone you're back where you started. Never let your wellbeing depend on someone or something outside of your control or you'll feel helpless forever
Hard to build confidence without getting any validation from something
It is. But what do you think will help when that validation goes, or worse, people start putting you down
@@lewisnorden3744 well according to the doctor, long term validation eventually builds the person's self-confidence and then self-identity. It is when the person starve for validation or unable to respect space, causing people to abruptly leave them and abruptly end the supply of validation that they break down.
It's also hard to build confidence when the people around me feel like they are out to destroy it and all the while am in a cycle of self loathing.
@@6lake. This just makes confidence sound like solipsism or Dunning-Kruger.
You can start lifting weights and once your muscles start to grow and you see them then those muscles will be the validation you need to gain confidence.
Notes to myself from this video:
1. more self-compassion, please
2. others can judge you differently from you, communicate and find out
3. find the balance between giving and taking (communication helps!)
Right after this video there was metta meditation in the livestream. It is present on the channel in the video called "how to love yourself meditation"
I no longer feel desperate and lonely. Those emotions got replaced a while back with feeling like being discarded and forgotten/unwanted.
preach
The emotions of being discarded and forgotten/unwanted only get added on.
@@kenXtripleI For some/most mayhap, but for me they're actually just gone. It was a conscious choice I made one day after having an epiphany where I realized that there isn't in fact someone out there for everyone, and unfortunately I can see my future clearly enough to tell I'm gonna be one of those people who just never find someone. Upon that realization I decided there was no more point in feeling sexual urges or the longing for a companion. No point in worrying about something I'm never going to have.
@@SomethingScottyi have though realized that thinking that there is someone out there for me to show me love and compassion is like having delusions of grandure and I would have better odds at winning the lottery mostly due to a lack of social skills and really missing the window of opportunity.That and because I'm not perfect
@@SomethingScotty thats a dangerous place to be... it might all come roaring back some day
Dating while lonely is like shopping at a grocery store on an empty stomach, always a bad idea.
Absolutely. It never ends well.
I wish I could have Dr. K as my therapist, but I learn a lot about myself through these videos and I feel like I have grown more into the person I picture in my head and the grand canyon sized gap between "who I am" versus "who I want to be" is not a canyon now as much as it's becoming more of a river, and I am getting better at seeing the stones to cross that river. (If that makes sense.)
Daughter of a narcissist mom, bio dad was never around, however my dad (step dad technically, I don't see him as such, even though I was 8/9 when they got married) and I still thank you, Dr. K, when you talked about why adults struggle when they were always in advanced classes as kids- it's really improved my productivity because I have a better understanding of why failure is so detrimental to my goals/hobbies/etc.
Keep it up
i'm so glad to hear this
You got this!
That's beautiful! Good luck on your journey!
keep going !
Dr. K showing his faith in humanity. When I showed my desperation thinking it would bring out the best in people, nearly everyone I met, knew, grew up with just ran, shut down, blank face, dismissal, minimisation. Ran a mile. I kept trying, oh they can't be all bad. Nope, enough were bad (going on 17 years after having to leave my combined Masters/PhD in psychology, working 3 jobs, travelling, exercising a bunch, long term partner, etc.) that I can easily say yep, better to think they're all bad and keep a tiny tiny private window to assess if they're not. The only people I have in my life are those that show humanity when I've shared vulnerably - that means my psychiatrist, my Dr., one aunt, and ... yep that's it.
I'm an extremely gentle, kind, feminine kind of person (who enjoys as an outsider Dr. K's vids, grew up as a loner child playing early computer games on cassette tapes etc.) and the heartbreak I feel of having desperately pleaded for help to family, friends, humiliating myself and them aghast or doing the 'shut down' dance of soooo many people I dated. The rage I feel of 'I'm the one who went through the difficulty, you didn't have to live it, I fucking did' - show some fucking inner moxy, strength of damn balls to just sit with me and hold my %*#@ hand, you %&*^$#.
My heart pours out to others who have gone through pain and I've just received so little when I've shared my story. I've received bewildered, flabbergasted, shut down, demeaned, dismissed, the list goes on. I wish someone had told me, H..., don't bother with trying to tell people, share your story, be vulnerable, get social emotional support, get to know yourself, what skills, crafts, abilities do you enjoy if no one else existed in the world. If you have food and shelter and can shower and move your body, then see what you enjoy next. That's how I live my life now for the past year or so, and it's like an enormous weight is lifted. I've got self-respect and can feel inner mojo growing. There are tons of things I enjoy, if some &*$#@* wants to come and get to know me and they're human and kind and warm and caring, then I'll be there with unimaginable levels of love and joy to reciprocate. Till then, it's animals, and plants, and observing humanity from afar, thinking about writing, and poetry and music, and moving my body and making amazing food and watching how the spring is unfolding this year with the snow falling late in the season on the freshly bloomed flowers as I write this. All the while, tending to the unimaginable hurt from the past with as delicate care as I can.
holy shit bro, thats a long ass essay. may peace be upon you
@@schmooplesthesecond5997 thanks dude, made me smile reading this over breakfast.
I have to agree with this. You think you're going to share your story and your own self-awareness about your condition, and get a positive response. You won't. The people you meet don't want relative success -- they don't care how far behind the 8-ball you started and where you've gotten yourself to. They only care where you are right now -- your absolute level of success.
You really are alone, and you have to figure it all out by yourself. It's truly a double whammy -- you need help (and you know it), but you will never get it.
This kind of reminds me of the time of my life when I was lonely and desperate for friends and when people found out how I felt, they said "You just need to spend time alone to work on yourself" while doing fun things on the weekend with their friends which they never invited me to.
It felt SO unfair that other people get to have friendships from the time they are 5 but now I am much older and still relegated and pressured into being alone all the time for reasons I couldn't understand.
My situation right now and it feels like a baden I can't get it of😢
Honestly, I blame myself more than anything. Sure, society has failed young men in many ways. But I look back at the times I've basically rejected women who seemed interested, or otherwise found reasons and excuses to avoid prospective intimacy by not asking women out. I don't have very high self esteem, so I assume a woman who is talking to me or flirting is just being nice, and if she's coming on really strong it must be a joke. I worry I have nothing to offer and that's the real reason I'll be alone forever. I wouldn't know how to relate to a woman even if she was the desperate one.
The only women that have been into me are always like younger and I don’t date younger than mid 20s. I get hit on by high school girls more than I get responses on dating apps 😢
I see myself in this comment , for real man.. this is exactly how I feel and it feels like there is no way out..
I know this was a year ago but if you’re still in the same situation, take the advice in the video, try to focus on sharing your sandwich, that is what you offer in a relationship, being able to meet the other person’s needs. And I wouldn’t worry about relating to a woman i feel like the sexes are a lot more similar than people may think we’re all just looking for love.
Same
Multiple times in the past I’ve tried to get out of my shell and socialize. The problem is I get exhausted extremely easily so halfway through hanging out I sort of shut down. Other times I’ve been called “lame” and “virgin” so I thought “well I just won’t be apart of conversations if I cramp peoples style.”
You gotta find your gusto bro
May you be happy, may you be free, may you be at peace.
Try hanging out in smaller groups then if too many people drain your energy
Me...too....i get so exhausted while hanging out with people...initially I try then gradually i just start losing my energy as if I dont have the bandwidth to indulge with anyone...anymore...and I see others....they still look energetic and fresh and ready to talk and engage with people...full of liveliness
the social exhaustion thing is just from being an introvert. and its ok! it's ok to be someone who doesn't get energy from socializing. it's just a question of finding the people who are also introverts, so that your need for socializing matches. the other thing to note is that the more you get to know someone the less exhausting it is to spend time with them. eventually you feel comfortable.
I love how this video adressed what irks me the most about "advice" like the reddit post. They always say "focus on yourself, learn to love yourself" but they never tell you how to do that and pretend that it's the most natural and easiest concept to grasp in the world.
The only problem for me is, I've already "figured that out" for myself. I've experienced many of the benefits self-compassion brings that are detailed in this video so I'd say I'm good on that front. 😅
What still frustrates me is people constantly going "put yourself out there, talk to people". Excuse my language, but what the *fuck* does that mean? I'm in university now and it (seems like) everyone is just doing their thing, there's no real time and place to "talk to people" or get to know anyone. I don't go out partying nor do I know anything else I could do to meet people. It seems like people who don't have that problem can't even imagine that there are people who do.
I've never gone on a date or anything like that, might I add. I have no clue how to even make that happen at this point and it feels like an impossible task without any guidance.
it’s tough making new friends in university since everyone has so many commitments. by the time you become an adult, it gets more difficult. but not impossible. here are some ideas to meet people without partying/drinking/etc:
have you joined clubs/sports?
or would you rather make your own club/sport?
does your university/professors offer paid trips for a small group of students?
does your university have a discord where you can get into small cliques and meet up with them?
does any of your hobbies offer conventions?
can you make a social media account about your hobby and meet other enthusiasts?
are there on campus roles that focus on being social (student government, planning student events, resident advisor, club leadership positions etc)?
can you get a job where you’re required to talk to other people (tutor, academic support, peer mentoring, tour guide)?
do you often make small talk with your classmates? (i noticed many extroverts will talk to anyone in the area and make friends over a few weeks)
do you make study groups or go to study groups your classmates planned? (i noticed this works a lot-especially if you hate parties and need to bond over something like a dumb class)
are you friendly with the most confident, talkative person in the room? (i noticed a lot of people naturally gravitate to them, which means more people for you to talk to)
*warnings*
i don’t recommend you befriend/date coworkers. you need that work-life separation.
Ask questions in class, suggest to study with people, get to know the student workers at your facilities (cafeteria, library, whatever), go to university run events, join a club, exercise at the gym and ask for a spot, or try to learn about someone else's workout. None of these are foolproof, and a lot of these feel a little artificial, but they're necessary to learn. If it seems like everyone is doing 'their' thing, that's cause they are. You'll have better luck being a part of someone's life if you've got a similar 'thing' so you can spend time with them. Take a genuine interest in other people, and you'll find that you'll have more of them around. When people say "put yourself out there," it means leave your room and be a little bold by talking to someone in person. People don't explain it because literally anything you do can be qualified as it (grabbing a drink with coworkers off hours, volunteering somewhere, picking up a new hobby), so without knowing you, I can't nail down what it is you would enjoy doing the most. If you're out doing something you like, even if no one else likes you, you're going to enjoy what you're doing a little as well, so I would hedge against doing things you don't like (don't join a ballroom dance class unless you've got an honest desire to learn ballroom dance, not because you heard it was a good place to meet girls). If you do that, you won't have a good time, and you'll likely have worse odds of finding people that will want to spend time with you as a result. I've had the problem you describe, I still struggle with it especially after having graduated, but there are solutions.
Putting the cart before the horse, dates always seem to get overblown by both society and media. Your goal isn't to finagle something from someone that does not want to give it to you, your goal is to spend time with and get to know someone you like. This can range from media projected norm (going to catch a movie with someone you like is actually pretty fun), or it can be as mundane as baking cookies with them. Dating comes down to context, as in whether or not you and the other party have mutual attraction and are spending time together. Assuming you're a guy, you might have to do a little leg work on the front end ("Hey, I like you, I'd like to get to know you over coffee"), and then they, assuming they're agreeable, might simply use the date as a barometer to tell if there is attraction like that. If not, no skin off your back, you try again with someone else. If they do like you, then you do something else you both like a few more times, have a conversation as adults about boundaries and/or intimacy, and with a little luck, voile, you're in a relationship.
As a side note, people change their mind too. You might grab coffee with someone and have good chemistry, and things may seem peachy up through a few dates, or even after being intimate, and they may decide to break things off. This is okay, and it really isn't something you try to 'fix,' unless they're saying/asking for you to try to ("I like you, but your habit of shitting on my porch is kind of a turnoff and might be a dealbreaker."). If this happens, or your desire to shit on people's front porches is greater than your desire to be with them, it's all good, you know how to make new friends now anyways. Hell, maybe she's got some friends that are interested in something like what you're looking for.
@@sylascole5254 This right here is some fire
@@jw5931 Cheers and thanks. I've had this written in a notebook for years, the hard part is deciding if I want to try to it.
Honestly, this is something I am currently working on in the area I’m in. I’ve noticed there wasn’t a professional connection at University that directly gave experience (which so many entry level jobs need) to the German Department’s students. So in trying to connect TEFL/TESOL teachers and have some students and alumni (including me) be able to shadow them, that way these prospective TESOL/TEFL teachers see exactly what they don’t know in the German Department, and therefore have a common goal to work towards together, which allows people who understand you, at least minimally. This is just what I am guessing might happen.
For other suggestions I’ve seen like asking other students to study with you, I would suggest an additional component. If you feel like the other student knows more than you, try to offer another piece of experience or expertise you have in another class that they don’t understand that well. Or something like this? You are the expert of your experience. Always. You can share that. Can you read this? You have the ability to learn. You can try one new thing. It is only one thing now.
These are just my thoughts.
This explains so much !
> I have been trying to fix sad & lonely guys; and yes - it doesn’t work out bc - I get caught up in being the provider until I finally burn out.
> I’ve been on a long hiatus.
To rest & recover.
I enjoy learning about the world around me - instead of finding the ideal partner.
I enjoy learning about myself.
Thank you, Dr. K. ☺️
Hell yeah.I thought something was wrong with me
you have no idea how much you're helping me right now with my personal issues. this is making me emotional even. thank you so so much!!
Want a friend?
@@oddcop945 sus
@@bobobsen I'm not sure if you're part of the problem or not.
Always hated the advice of "just be yourself" because whenever I asked what that meant I got a world salad answer that mostly involved something to the effect of "well just remove or downplay the parts that we don't like about you". I'm lucky that I managed to find my people so to speak.
The way i see it, "just be yourself" means "Don't say/do something you don't actually identify with". So don't mask your personality, don't fake it, be genuine, especially if you're a "work in progress". I've experienced that people can be very positive when you show them that you don''t have it all figured out.
Yeah, I don't think fully "being yourself" is even possible, but there is some truth to it too. Talking about your hobbies, favorite music, movies, art, without caring if it's too weird or out there. I would say that is way to be yourself, and not just "yeah, I like what everybody does, and listen to whatever is popular“
Being confident about your hobbies really shows. (as someone who doesn't really has much going for him)
“Be yourself” is an extremely hard phrase for someone like me, being that myself is an amab trans female I currently am unable to express because I don’t have an understanding environment yet
“Just be yourself” like idek what myself is
The way I eventually understood this phrase (which I hated and to be fair still dislike) is through studying Bruce Lee's views on martial arts styles.
He keeps saying one should "have no style" and people think they shouldn't study anything or do any forms, because it'll detract from their "being water, my friend". And they keep trying to shoehorn BL's STYLE (Jeet Kune Do) into this weird "it's a philosophy bro, not a style" Schrodinger's cat situation.
Truth is, JDK is a style, and you shouldn't adopt it without thinking. You should study it, take what's good, and keep going, on to the next style and the next, until your fighting technique is a mishmash of what you found useful from all of them (kicking like in TaeKwonDo, some other thing from Boxing, the stance from Fencing, hell take the footwork from Kizomba dancing if it works for you).
Now, I nerded out too much on the martial arts thing, but try to see the metaphor behind and how it relates to your own life. Or read his daughter's book "Be water, my friend". Or go straight to the people who inspired Bruce and read the Dao De Djing. Or don't if you don't feel it suits you, that would miss the whole point.
The issue that I'm having w/ regards to loneliness is that it didn't used to be this way. I used to be fine alone, I liked myself enough, I had good friendships that felt affirming to me, and even though I was lonely that didn't really make me feel bad in the deeply painful way that it does now. Then I had my first relationship, which was a long one and good one and it didn't even end because it turned bad. That ruined for me. It was like I peered into the book of forbidden truths and saw the horrible realization that I do indeed have romantic needs, and now I can't stop seeing the effects of that truth everywhere. Feels like the kind of thing Lovecraft wrote a hundred different metaphors for.
I'll try to put some of the advice in this video to work, but ultimately I still think the biggest problem for me that I know something that I never should have known.
are you a man or woman, and have you found a partner? I did!
Exactly the same for me word for word.
I just realised in the middle of this video for no reason at all, I'm always available so I'm never a priority. This is the most hard hitting line I've ever read. Simply, I'm always available so people choose to spend time with others who might not always be available so I never end up being a first choice.
Playing hard to get
Humans are dumb monkeys 🙈
I have literally been struglging with this fir so long and laterly I have been on a major emotion down turn. I cannot overstate in any capacity how accurately the reddit post describes me, especially last 7 days. It has been utter hell. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for this video, it is extremely helpful and enlightening.
I grew up with an autistic father and I've always had poor social skills and low confidence, so it has been very difficult for me to interact with people my whole life. Now at 23 yo, I realize I should have invested more in my social skills, I am extremely lonely and cynical, but at least I notice some progress. I'm sure that one day it won't be a burden anymore.
Grateful for your quality content as always.
Started reading the book "The courage to be disliked" which is about being against determinism and how you choose your future. Only started reading it but it's narrative seems similar to how Dr. K talks about it
One of the best book I've ever read
Dear god, the timing on this video is absolutely impeccable. Yesterday, I had an emotional breakdown. A couple days before that, I've had a breakup. All of this just pretty much applies to me, unfortunately.
6:47 - 7:20
This is something that has been a pet peeve of mine in regards to the "advice" and attempts at help given for these things, which perpetually leads to those dealing with these issues to be trapped in an unfortunate cycle. Super glad that you pointed it out and put some focus on what a paradox this can be.
I feel great about being single but I am really touch and emotionally starved when it comes to friendships. Through covid I grew a little more apart of my "friends" each day until I recently realised that I am not even their friend. Doesnt matter that I knew them since elementary school, I was just as close to them as they were with people they met 5 seconds ago. So I decided to cut them off and then I realised how lonely I have always been. Even more lonely in those shallow friendships. But recently I've worked on myself and got one really great friend. I got a genuine hug today out of nowhere and I almost cried because its almost been 3 years since someone did that. Things get better as soon as you work on yourself and are not scared of being alone for a while. Being alone feels much less lonely. Even tho my case is different I still thought it applied and this video really helped me in my own way
I had the same problem but I try to tell myself that friends are not permanent. Nothing is. Friendship comes and goes based on a lot of factors like context and effort. I'm glad I have some good friends now and I put effort in maintaining it
but from time to time I also think of scenarios in which I may lose them or we drift apart just in case. Like love them, but try to be neutral and not too attached. Not sure if this is a healthy mindset but it may help.
some ppl are just comfortable talking with strangers, that doesn't mean you're not their friend my dude.. if they choose to hang out and spend time with ya then that's your answer.
@@0xsergy Yeah but that's exactly how I knew that I weren't friends with my old friend group anymore. Talking to me was a chore and very boring to them even tho we knew each other for 10 plus years. Now when I see what those ppl are up to on social media every now and then I see that they are always on parties, drinking a lot, making even more new "friends". I'm glad I was able to ditch them before I got dragged into that stuff. So yeah they stopped being my friends even while we were "friends" a while ago. It's not that they just like talking to other strangers.
I kinda forgot about this comment but that just shows how much can happen in 9 months. I stayed close with this 1 friend, made two more through them and later on I made another mutual friend with them. I know have 4 friends I talk to on a regular basis and that's more than enough. My life in general got quite better not just because I have people that care about me and we can share our interests but I also really invested time in myself and improved myself bit by bit. Stuff gets better
9:56 Damn that's totally me, I was getting drained and didn't receive anything in return and once they were done and needed something else, I was discarded, well I'm glad that relationship ended.
15:00 sums up the dynamics of a toxic 8 year relationship. the breakup was devastating. it's been 4 years and i have been with other women in the meantime but i dont think i'll ever be the same again.
Literally spoke this exact topics with my therapist 2 days ago and she told me exactly this. Guess this is the universe's way to make the message really get to me
7:11 You simply nailed my long time frustration! :D
It just so annoying when people just give advice but doesn't even tell us how to do it or explain what does it mean clearly. Like they just assume we already know it when we really don't and we're even more confused than clarified.
Those people don't give advice as good as Dr. K's advice.
Dr. K just have the best advices and insights ever that most people who gives advice just miss. I appreciate you Dr. K and I have learned a lot from you!
This needed to be longer. I would love for Dr K to go much deeper into this topic. Breaking down the last few points with more depth.
Thank you for addressing the "just improve yourself bro, just focus on yourself"
Speaking as someone who has gone through unthinkable trauma in my childhood and dealt with 12 years of narcissistic abuse from my teens to my late 20s, learning how go have compassion for myself has been such a huge game changer but it was the most difficult thing I can imagine learning when, your whole life, you’ve been told by the people who are supposed to care about you that your existence is worth absolutely nothing. I’m 37 now and it’s only over the past year that I’ve started being gentler with myself and I’m able to care for myself so much better now. Like I’m eating healthy, exercising, being more open about my feelings, am able to put more energy into maintaining friendships, etc. but it was such a hard road. And honestly a lot of the credit goes to Dr. K and these videos for clearly explaining HOW TO ACTUALLY DO IT so I’m just expressing my gratitude over here that someone is actually going through the trouble of thoroughly explaining these things and making this information accessible.
It's not just the fact that that I'm lonely and lack a relationship, it's also the fact that my life in general isn't going anywhere, and I've given up trying at this point..
I live in a state with limited opportunities, online work of all kinds is competitive and impossible to compete with, it's difficult to save money while having the ability to spend it. I just have so much stacked against me that it's not even worth trying to be happy anymore because it all takes too much effort. Top that off with failed attempts at relationships that damage my opinion of women, dozens of decaying friendships, and being stuck in an hellhole of a planet filled with corruption and impossible costs of living just makes me more and more hopeless
I have no control over my life and I'm at a point where it's time to just give up. I'm emotionally checked out and I already plan to end my life once my parents have passed.
When people do actually like me i push them away. Then i am desperate for connection. I feel like my boundaries and freedom are being threatened, since what i lacked as a child was freedom, healthy boundaries and space. Anyone else relate?
7:29 sometimes it's the opposite. sometimes in order to avoid having to work on yourself you pour yourself into helping others.
I needed to hear this, working on yourself because your lonely and then still ending up being lonely is such a cycle of suffering and a catch-22 situation. Not many people realize this and I have been stuck in this cycle so many times, like I work on myself but I still end up in the same situation. So I hate all these people who talk about loneliness without being aware of this, and people who don't have such self-awareness fall into this trap. I'm so glad Dr K is dispelling the truth and creating awareness of this nasty harsh trap. I'm glad I found this.
Dr K is on one hell of a streak right now!!
ikr, I love it
I feel called out and it all makes perfect sense. I need to stop the self-loathing. Once I go to therapy and get my self esteem sorted out it should be a whole lot better.
I love that you have the attitude to work on yourself, but try not to come to the point of once "i do this etc i will be fixed", self-love is a slow process and nothing is determined, so even tho you are improving having that deterministic mindset that youll just be fixed doesnt work because we arent "monolithic creatures" as Dr K states. you'll have your ups and downs, and that is perfectly ok. (also watching the interveiw, 'Why you're behind in life' has a really good point on 'being fixed' mentality)
hopefully this helps you but you always take this with a grain of salt because only you know you're life!
May you be loved, may you be free, may you find peace!!
I mean... I feel desperate and alone but my problem is I don't really go out to meet people in the first place. Less going out = less chances to meet people = less chances to meet women = less chances to start a relationship.
I feel there is more to it than that (like being generally quiet and shy). I never got to the point of even having an intimate relationship... In just a few months I'm will achieve the status of wizard! (Ignore that if you don't get the meme lol)
Nice, I have to wait another two years to achieve that status. But we will persevere!!! (and hope that the wizard status is not restricted to video games, because that would be a scam)
34 V-izard here, I simply find all the social events are boring and nothing in this world gets my interest. Something good happens, I would ask "What's the catch", it can't be real.
If I want to experience something, internet is the best place to experience it for free. When I spent a lot chasing a girl back then, it all went to toilet the moment she stops responding my message, dating is just like fraud. It's an investment you will lose 100% of it and patience won't get you back, unlike stock market. At least I learnt not to invest too much in one basket now and completely understand not everyone can or want to find a girl.
Do you feel that this has changed from dating apps? I'm an introvert and it was super tiring for me to go on dates so dating app was amazing for me.
How old are you? You're probably making the important changes early on. I think as dudes we have an internal inclination to take action and I think you can tap into that feeling of taking charge, while ignoring the discomfort. I don't know if I'm making it up in my head, but I do feel there's an internal thing of "taking charge" you can tap into which comes with being a guy.
I have been a wizard for about a year now and ironically I have improved at my profession and even got a better job since then.
Coincidence? It's up for you to decide! XD
"Being in a toxic relationship is worse than hell"
Yeah no shit, that's not what I'm after though.
Ikr, I just want a normal healthy relationship
Its soo hard to accept oneself because my mind is always singing negative things that push my esteem down in which it makes me feel like ill forever be lonely its not easy 😢
Same is so hard to be positive I cry a lot 😔
I love how the default assumption when men say they're lonely and lack intimacy is that they just want sex and objectify women. Pretty cool way to dismiss and invalidate people, guys. Way to go! You're doing it! You're saving the city!
I mean a lot of people, including yourself seeing how mad you get at the topic and identify yourself with the people this post is about and not the poster, see women that way whether it be subconsciously or consciously
@@JB-mh5xy yes because you getting mad about people calling incels sh1tty people isn't a self report but requires me to have mind reading powers which will somehow win me the lottery
@@dropyourself So you know how I "see" women? Wild. What else can you tell me about myself?? :D
@@JB-mh5xy I sorry, but if you quack like a duck I can make the educated guess that you're a duck (or an incel in this case)
I am lonely, I am desperate, I am trying to understand and master myself and my own inclinations. See you on the other side and I wish you the best of luck! ^^
Likewise
This guy has been literally describing me in the last five videos he had made. Now I feel desperately, lonely and scare.
It was hard to sit and listen to this. Really hard but I think i needed to hear it. Thank you
I think Dr. K is just stalking me at this point, literally all these videos are just what I need
Okay wow this explains a lot of the last relationship I had with a girl. Kind of like what Dr K said she was so so patient and understanding about my issues but I sort of made it a reason to hate myself more because I could not reciprocate the care she provided. Anyway, I'm grateful for this video. Cheers Dr K and the community 😃
I am single, I have like 2 close friends that I talk to and I rarely ever go out. I'm like literally alone most of the time but I don't *feel* alone if that makes sense. I was always okay with being with myself and being alone and I never understood how people were so desperate to get into relationships and stuff. This really explained a lot of things to me
I get it. That is literally me.
I also feel exactly the same, my question is… is it okay to be this way? I don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship, I also don’t have the sexual drive to have sex like others…..Im pretty happy where I am. I do want to get married and have kids in the future.
Yeah, same. Sometimes I even think that something is wrong with me, as I can extremely rarely relate to such seemingly common problems.
@DONICMAGMA Hey man I also didn't really get that much love growing up. It's tough sometimes I get it. Much love from a random stranger on the internet
I'm not trying to be rude or knock your lifestyle but humans are social creatures by nature. It's literally written in most humans biology to make families, reproduce, connect to others etc. Being by yourself can drive most insane.
Where was this 35 years ago when I went through four years of college with no dating relationships at all? Did fine academically, more socially active than at any other time of my life with a great gang of friends, had dated somewhat in high school despite being something of an isolated loner at that time, but all through college never dated anyone. It just wasn't "happening" as it had before and I had no idea what to do. Spent most of my senior year talking to a counselor at the university clinic, and achieved nothing. All I did was talk while she sat there doing nothing and hardly speaking at all. There was clearly something I wasn't doing, I wanted to take action but had no idea what. Whenever I voiced this frustration all I got was something like "what do YOU think you should do?" or "why are you so concerned about this?" It got pretty painful, and it started a trend of serious depression which led me to years of medication and their side effects. Yet at every turn it seemed no one took me seriously, like it wasn't a REAL problem, that I shouldn't let it bother me.
NONE of these things were ever mentioned! How much better things might have been had I been taken seriously.
When I see Dr k I feel inspired to be more empathetic. This dude clearly loves his job. And it make me as a viewer wanna do something meaningful in life as well.
I knew the whole "Girls can smell your desperation" thing wasn't what the problem was! Even when I was going through a similar situation the weird dehumanisation really rubbed me the wrong way about that.
And the fact that it was the capacity to think about others really cleared it up.
I feel like it's such shitty advice too and kind of feeds back into the self judgement and deprication. It makes it so that it seems like the problem is above you and out of your control. Because no matter what you do you WILL come off as desperate and therefore unattractive. It's framed in such a shitty way that's so unhelpful to the person who's feeling not good.
@@ViiZiiOnZ915 I don't think it's a binary. Obviously on a spectrum being desperate won't help your case but to be aware of this issue in my eyes is a big part of it.
You probably will come off desperate, if you are desperate, but it's more about how your desperation makes you act. Obviously there can be other things at play but for me the different kinds of advice like "Focus on yourself, don't think about relationships" lead into me trying to improve my social skills which made me overthink less about my interactions with girls in regards to the feedback loop. I had more space to allow a relationship to flourish because I wasn't occupied with the feedback loop (as much)
Hope this helps if you're going through this
@@mellow-mike that's great man I'm happy for you! I think for the most part people don't know what to do with the advice "just focus on yourself" especially because it's so nebulous. And like Dr k says in this video, nobody really tells you HOW or what to do when you're "working on yourself". Idk like i think it's cool it worked for you but Im not sure how easy it is for most people to just get out of the feedback loop like you did. It definitely takes some more help
I'm struggling with many things at the moment, but I'm very grateful to be on the far side of this problem. I've still got work to do in this capacity, I'm sure, but for the most part this was just an entertaining watch, rather than a poignant one.
I've felt alone for the past 6 months after my breakup with my Fiancee, she told me she didn't love me anymore after years of basically taking care of her and trying to help her. I realised I was in a toxic relationship where I gave a lot and received very little. One of my best friends helped me out of the darkness that I was in, I thought I'd be broken for a long time but now I feel like I'm getting much better and I feel stronger for it.
I feel like I would've dwelled in the depths for a long time and become a very bitter and angry person, which I absolutely hated because I experienced it before and during my breakup.
It is hard to work on yourself. I already reached a point of internal happiness and it wasnt easy. I went thru several stages, the weirdest one was the anger stage, id blame society for my struggles. Its a long journey but its worth it. Now i love the person im alone with, Myself. Loving yourself is as literal as it gets, i literally did things to make myself fall in love with who i am, which helped me see who i really am. Took myself out, id compliment things of myself every morning, at first its weird cus u are a stranger to yourself, but you slowly start seeing your issues, the things u need to fix, then u become a person you love being. What really did it for me, is i stopped caring so much about my needs, i helped others, and discovered so much from myself. Im not saying im done, i will never be done, i love this journey, its very full filling
I used to feel very very lonely some time ago but...I had burn out/depresssion and decided to actually aknowledge myself. I'm been searching for all the events, habits and past beliefs that made me sad.
It's like digging in the ground.
It's very slow, and tiring but as I dig more and more stuff out, I feel better.
Working on yourself won't erase all of the solitude.
But everyday, looking in the mirror will be less painful.
And...being face to face with yourself, hating yourself less every day,well, you feel less lonely you know ?
Edit: also, having friends that call you out lovingly and accept the whole of you. That help. Having a lover is not an emergency
23:10-23:54 Amen!!! This sums up my experiences of dating insecure men SO WELL!!! It doesn’t matter what I do or how accepting and loving I am. Until his relationship with himself changes, he decides he’s a a shithead and hides himself away from me. Then I get my heart broken and all my energy and investment in him was wasted. I am learning my lesson and am now a lot less likely to go out with men with low self-worth.
any other women in their 30s that follows Dr. K? a lot of his followers seem to be young men. he does give some good advice. i like that he does include a lot of science and research studies in his content, considering he does have a MD
this has helped explain to me why i feel the way i do, thank you. i ruined a good relationship because i was afraid of them leaving me since they were improving, and that desperation made her actually leave in the end.
I'm not desperate, just lonely. Don't feel at home in a lot of situations. Can't really relate to a lot of people on general
so I'm doing my chem HW and have been listening to a couple of these and Im grateful I decided to turn this on I've learned so much about myself and how to do better and think more positivly thank you Dr. K
At this point I’m just scared to be hurt so I’m not putting in the required effort, I feel like I’d rather be alone than to fish through all the fake people that claim to care about you but only care for themselves.
Getting better with this. God I wish I watched this channel before rehab and two years of sober houses. Builds character and in some ways I went through it. But I wish I hadn’t had to
I fantasize about a relationship where we emotionally depend on each other so much I sometimes resent the idea that "co-dependence" is bad. The idea that somebody who is so emotionally starved would be hyper-self focused makes sense but is pretty scary since I would like to believe I am focused on others but perhaps my emotional/touch/w starvation has made me more self focused. I believe a lot of relationships are sabotaged by people being focused on a fantasy version of the relationship and I suspect feeling desperate beforehand increases you focus on that fantasy. I'm not sure if trying to make the fantasy wholesome really helps or not.
You lose yourself in the other person with co-dependence and that feels like shit. You feel guilty if you're happy and they're sad, and at least my ex wanted me to emotionally coddle her constantly, which got me blamed for the actions she willingly did, or I'd be blamed for having a bad day and not acting the same love-dovey way. It was hell. Everything was always about her, she wouldn't even get curious about me in any way and continue about herself 24/7. At the end I essentially told her she was self-centered and left. I think she still believes she's perfect and like I gave up early. I was happy to have a relationship, but I now remember I was happier when she was away in a different city. LOL. You don't really want these things, the feel-good of love wears off, the negatives outweigh eventually. I survived 3 months. Good luck on that.
being emotionally supportive and emotionally dependent are completely different. co dependence is selling yourself for and to someone else, and vice versa. neither of you are _you_, you're just reflections of the other person.
Co-dependence is only bad if both you and the other person is imperfect, because being let down when you depend on them is horrible.
I would advise you seek a relationship with God
@@phosspatharios9680 Dating god lol
co-dependence is gangster if you both have an element of secure attachment that you can find through your deep trust and bond. honestly that's the ideal relationship - it gets a bad reputation because it's usually one sided and co-deps are vulnerable to predatory personality disorders.
Literally could not have posted this at a better time. Thanks Dr. K
I think that talking with people is just yet another skill to master, so at one point you just have to invest your souls into it instead of only vigor and strength lmao.
HOLY SMOKES! This is another great episode! You are doing God's work Dr. K!!! These self love episodes are really helping me understand myself and my predicament even more, allowing me to find ways on how to get out of it and not feel so doomed! THANK YOU!
I just miss having someone there to share experiences with. It's not the same as friends. I loved having someone who loved me for all my flaws. I miss having someone make me smile at the slightest things. I miss having unconditional support of my goals. I don't care too much about intimacy anymore, just the companionship. Not desperate yet, but lord knows I'm lonely. Cranking that Midwest emo to 11
I miss being vulnerable with someone
@@brunoclement123 same, I missing knowing I could tell them anything and feel loved and validated regardless...
Finally an answer I NEED. I love dr. Ks range of topics... Rare to be open this age
What if you, like me, improved yourself dramatically and stopped focusing on the relationship, improved as in all areas, lost 40 lbs, got in shape and fit with gym etc( some other things were already fine, regarding studies or social skills) and absolutely nothing changed?
You can’t control how people perceive you. You can however be more of an initiator and be more comfortable and confident with yourself
You should continue to improve, but your attributes aren’t going to fix your love life by themselves. You gotta kick any desperation within yourself, focus on making connections (this takes some ebb & flow), and show people this is who I am and what I want
External things are great to improve and not a lot of people do that so big up to you for doing that👏 .. However the biggest thing is shifting internally. Changing your beliefs about yourself, what you believe is possible for you and your stories/ identity in life. People who do that can literally become who ever the want.
improve style, haircut, accessorize, also therapy might help if you aren't going to it already
This video dropped at exactly the right time. Thank you for addressing this topic
I’m a fixer nice guy who ended up dating a (most likely) narcissist for 3.5 years. The hell I went through during the relationship and for 2 years AFTER I left her forced me to grow up in some ways, but it’s definitely made me a jaded cynical person who quit trying to find a good woman, and is maybe slightly misogynistic because I’ve only experienced the worst of women. I’ve done the work on myself for 5 years, And I still can’t break out of my pattern of apathy towards dating, yet all I want is a partner who truly appreciates me and reciprocates my level of loyalty and effort. It’s an interesting paradox.
All this to say, I’ll give the meditation a shot lol
Meditation is good. You will realize the pattern earlier and you can take action before it's too late.
"Your desperation will precede you". That's actually a great line.
Currently going through a bit of a desperation phase, I've never had a proper relationship, closest thing was when I was like 12, but really it was just a friendship and being 12 we needed to justify being different genders.
Anyway last week, I'm on something of a holiday in Ireland and I met this amazing girl in a club. We hit it off. It's going incredible. We're both incredibly attracted to one another and spend from them until 4am together. After the club, we went to an after party and spent the whole time sitting together chatting, where I essentially unload a lot of my beliefs about life and how I struggle to see value in myself. She's urging me to speak about this, and I thank her for letting me speak my mind, but eventually the afters come to an end, I walk her back to her hostel, she feels awkward taking me back to her room given there's 5 other people in there currently asleep, which is perfectly understandable. Then I go back to my own hostel.
I see her again the next night, she pulls me by the hand onto the dance floor, and we spend a bit of time together again, but this time she disappears back to her friends. She left no indication she wanted me to join, so to avoid intruding I leave her alone until the very end of the night when the club closes and I tell her how I'm leaving the country right there and then - my flights are 8am the next morning, a 3 hour coach away and the airport supposedly has a staff shortage so requires you show up earlier than usual. She tells me she wants to invite me back to Ireland some point in the future, and wants me to truly enjoy myself, which sounds amazing and I am excited to do, except she's not read my messages since Tuesday, and now is Friday. I know I can't expect an immediate reply, I know it's very selfish to be so impatient but I've started doubting everything, like in our modern era everyone's on their phones minimum once a day, how do you resist opening your messages? I think about how it could be something bad has happened, and she's not in the mood to talk to the stranger she met last weekend, which is also fine but it makes it very awkward if I urge a response and then become the asshole who couldn't leave her alone. I also think about the difference in those two days we met, and how perhaps while she acted interested in my mental health, that was just being respectful because she knew I was relieved to be able to relieve the stress of holding it all in, and inevitably it did make me less attractive to her when I started being nihilistic.
The biggest issue is that I'm still thinking about her constantly, checking for lost notifications, thinking about possible scenarios, but odds are that I've disappeared from her mind altogether until she finally reads the messages, and when we return to conversation, I'm still as fond of her as ever while in her eyes I've reverted to a mere aquaintence.
Either way, just ranting on here. Seemed related to this video. I don't expect a reply or anything, but I guess if you want to, how long is too long to give up on a message back?
I'm sorry to say but like that was in the moment experience. After that the work begins , you clearly want a relationship of some sort past friendship more intimate. She has not shown interest past a good time. Mayhaps you'll meet again in the future and itll be your time but I think for now it's best to move on. Dont waste your time on things that could have been. If she messages you again in a month 3 months a year then ok keep it friendly social but please dont be desperate when youd only met once and spent 2 days together. The day before you left her you should have been upfront you wanted more but now I personally think that ship has sailed
@@SemekiIzuio yeah I've moved on now. It still just kinda sucks but the extent she would wait between messages, intentional or not, I couldn't have a relationship like that so I stopped trying to make it one.
You wrote something very pivotal about your discussion.
"I told her how I struggle to see value in myself.......she urged me to speak about this".
What she meant that she wanted you to speak to a therapist or a professional. It might have been more than a holiday romance, but she withdrew when she realised that you needed a therapist more than a girlfriend.
Dr. K. just targets me with his videos at this point
I wish more people realized that improving oneself isn't always a solo journey
Yes that's I was miserable because I was told my by college friends that self improvement is solo journey
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 Ugh, awful... I'm so sorry 😞
@RosheenQuynh Hey bro, I you hope find the most amazing woman you truly deserve.
I thought I found the love of my life but sadly I was wrong 😆
@christiansnaturestudio6599 I am not seeking to date a woman, but I appreciate the sentiment 😅
I have felt the same about my last relationship...
Edit: Just in case you thought I was gay, I am not 🤣 I realized I didn't specify
@RosheenQuynh my bad for assuming 😆. I had *never a real relationship with an awesome before, although my last date with a beautiful woman was 3 months ago 🤣
such a thick shell of self- loathing that they can't actually fix that. Dude that hit home very hard.
It's just what happened during my relationship
This helped me figure out why men act like this on the internet sometimes and i appreciate it ❤
Is it possible to do this again but with woman perspective? I am curious on how they deal with loneliness and feeling desperation for love/sex/relationship.
Based on what I've seen on the internet, irl, and my own experiences as a woman... women usually deal with loneliness and desperation by:
* jumping into relationships, usually with those older who they feel will see them as mature and take them seriously. Most of which isn't at all about "being mature" and turns toxic very quickly
* they try to shape themselves into what society and those around them consider ideal
* turns into a pick me and will do or say anything for male validation. They will push other women under the bus in a heartbeat to get the approval of a guy
* and lastly they will for the most part (if not completely), stop seeking and waiting on a man to notice her. They will just stop hoping for it to ever happen and shut down the possibility of a man being genuinely interested in them, which results in further isolation and despair. It something that happens a lot among straight women. Since they sorta loss interest in men, but will still beat themselves up for secretly wanting them and being attracted to them in the first place
these videos are really interesting bc its eyeopener to what men go through, tho i feel like a video about us would be helpful too, its not like we have it all perfect and know how to deal with this too.
in my expirience im an introvert, and i like being alone, but i found out that if i live alone for a long period of time i get very lonely and kinda let myself go. relationship wise i never been in one and im in my early twenties, but i never been interested, or i have problems for this subject because its hard for me to trust someone so much as you would with a partner.
im rarelly horny like once a month so thats that, it's prob different for other women tho.
other than that i just have a ton of hobbies to keep me occupied from thinking about love ig lol, also to me right now i feel like i need to accomplish more if i want to be in a relationship, rn im working out and trying to study for a job.
at the same time theres also this pressure that if i want a partner i should find someone quickly before i get too old and unlikeable so i always feel like theres a clock ticking. but at the sametime im not desperate for any of these.
Lost me at “pick me”. I find that there’s really no such thing, but rather just women who make and value different things than what feminism wants them too, and apparently that a big no no now a days.
@@cocojlly1375 the last one I feel is so accurate and tbh I’m starting to get into this territory. I know that to stop being miserable for being single I need to stop believing that a man/relationship will solve all my loneliness problems. But at the same time I wonder if I’m actually just withdrawing further and cutting off any possibility of a relationship because I’m no longer open to it.
@@throwaway5926 Yes, "pick me" is sometimes used that way, but there are absolutely people who compromise parts of themselves to suck up to others. To say there's no such thing is delusional imo
It’s absolutely possible to be someone worthy of romance and not want it enough to have experienced it.
A lot of my desperation is turning into anger. Every where and everyone says get therapy but due to insurance it's almost impossible.
Fucking America, it costs a whole hour of min wage for a gallon of milk, dafuq
Have you looked at energetic therapies like somatic experiencing, EFT? EFT is esp good because it's self applied, although it's best to sign up for some sessions with a practitioner. It was being done by phone LONG before the pandemic, which cuts down on cost and widens availability.
Also do an allergies test and look at changing your diet when you get the results. My body has been a mini lab and I realised some years ago that when I eat wheat and gluten that I get over sensitized and angry AF. It's definitely worth investigating.
Also sleeping well is vital too, as well as getting exercise. It sounds like sucking eggs, but these things (or lack of) have a HUGE effect on your mental, emotional and physical well being.
I think OP hit the nail on the head. I see on the discord and reddit so many men asking for advice on the most obvious shit
I am desperate for closeness, but I find myself forcing myself not to project that by appearing avoidant of any contact.
I like how he talk about self focus as not selfishness. As so there's no shaming. Cause shaming wouldn't help in finding an actual solution. It's just a bad habit. It can develop in many ways. Learning from others,coping mechanism,media influence etc. We are all self centered to an extent ofc. But the point is to have a balance. Caring about us and the world around us. That's a healthy approach imo. I feel like reading fiction,getting control of my anxiety a lil bit and also growing up helped me a lot with lowering the self focus a bit.
I learned how to respect boundaries but either wasn't taught or didn't pick up how to set them for myself and others, And* the enforcement of what happens when those lines are crossed
this videos timing... loneliness is something that I've been struggling with for a while but ever since covid hit it has been something I've felt more intensely. I have been repeating the pattern of wanting to connect for the sake of soothing the pain of loneliness and mostly just focusing on my needs for the longest time and I didn't even fully realize that's what I was doing until recently. I have a friend of mine who has distanced himself a bit nit too long ago because of this and I have reached out to try to make things work and I want to understand him better and how he feels about the connection. Even if it doesn't work out I'm just glad that I've reached a new level of self awareness and I'll try not to make the same mistake in the future.
I absolutely HATE the general vague answers to serious problems. Nothing irks me more than when people try to solve a huge complex issue with just 1 small phrase and act like that does anything.
Someone is struggling with a class and has all these problems they're dealing with? "Work harder"
Someone is struggling emotionally and can't find friends or love? "Work on yourself"
Someone is struggling to get into new hobbies and find new interests? "Just try something"
These are not answers, they don't do anything. Achieving a goal requires clarity, it requires specifics, a plan. Vague is the opposite of motivating, it does nothing for you. If someone goes "I have a problem with keeping to the gym and working out consistently" and a person responds "Just work out", that's gonna have a COMPLETELY different effect than saying "Ok well every day at 3:00pm, go to the gym and just do 1 area on your body. Monday do arms, Tuesday do legs, Wednesday do arms, etc and then do 30 minutes of Cardio at the end". That gives you a clear plan, a clear method to achieve your goals. THIS is what needs to happen for lonely and desperate people, not just dismissing them with these general phrases and then when they don't get it, just blaming them for not doing anything.
Agreed people who are Linley have a multitude of issues and problems.
Its important to look at how you spend your time and then find hobbies and interests
That was very good for a self check and I'm super happy you talked about this. Cause I cannot describe how many times I've - due to my own needs and experience with needing support - reached out to help, been helpful and been patient and careful about both sides and paid for it dearly. Exactly due to that dynamic. Just like you cannot safely approach a starving wolf and how you don't feel comfortable around a dog who growls at anything and anyone and you, if you dare to step away, take your resources for yourself or share it with other ppl, too. Aka hogging behaviour. That goes even as far as shaming the giver for not being available just cause they're "needed".
I've done my homework very well and continue to do so. And I already can tell, that I will need ppl around me who are either OK and abundant in a way that will allow me a period of time where I simply received (actually with support by actively telling me that we are taking care of me now, cause I'm that caring). Or people where our areas of need and areas of abundance compliment each other AND are regarded equally. So we could fill eaach other's cups and support each other into slowly gaining footing in the respective other area.
The mutual respect of areas being really really crucial. Cause the patriarchy has fed patters where that is not a default. Which means that my area of abundance is by default viewed as "lesser". And hence, if a person has not actively dismantled that bias, we will not have a chance to nuture a healthy relationship. As the perceived (but not real) lack of fairness can easily lead for the relationship to rot.
It's for crying out loud. When your fortitude is on the archaic feminine scape for large parts, it's like trying to balance between unwarranted disregard and the risk of getting eaten up alive. Comical, no? So so so so many people want it, yet so few are willing to feed and maintain the providers, so that (we/)they could keep it up. It is slightly possible for people who navigate that on a professional level (and really, there's still heaps of balancing to do there) but then on a personal relationship level, it's a real serious struggle to develop anything even remotely balanced. ////orz////
The nature of the problem(s) in and on itself is a massive obstacle to safely provide or receive support.
No mental health skill is more crucial than that of temperance!! It's the gate that we can safely provide through and safely receive through, wihtout each attemmpt leaving us with more damage than the healing that is done!
I remember talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting that I'm terrible in conversations because I'm always focused on myself. I had actually thought that was the reason I had little luck in relationships, since women would be willing to date me when I sought out dates (now, naturally, I had more misses than hits but that's just life) but I very often just found they ghosted me after a few dates. I realize that I had noticed a symptom more than a cause, and I know I'm generally pretty self-centered (these days in a more neutral way, I see both flaws and qualities in myself in equal measure so I got that going for me which is nice) I think, I live very strongly confined within my own head. I'd preached (and still believe, to a degree) that self-sufficiency, especially emotional self-sufficiency is a good tool. But I guess for all my preaching at others to not overindulge and let whatever they're doing overtake them I let my own want for emotional self-sufficiency run rampant.But, like, can you blame me? literally no one in my family is willing to listen to me, or see me for who I am. My mom sees me as her kid who is unhappy and she decided I'm unhappy because I'm not like she wants me to be, my grandpa is at least pretty blatant in that he has no clue tf I'm about but at least he tries to be supportive and to my cousins-whom I have been raised close to-see me as simply a game-obsessed shut-in and I understand this may seem like a negative self-perception being projected onto others but I promise you if there is projection going on it is not to a significant degree, these things have been told to me directly. in the end, I guess I just need to figure out how to slowly let other's lives back into mine.
This comment proves your point
issa joke
@@6lake. honestly that's needlessly mean.
Dr. K be pumping out content like a mad man
I never got physical affection or kind words as a child. I cannot continue to take care of myself without validation. Why should I go to the gym and dress good when there's nobody there to notice? I just want emotional connection from somebody. No sex, no hookups, no mind numbing situationship, just a real human interaction.
❤
Exactly right? I always feel that way as well. Why do these things when I am sure I will be alone anyways. I did start working out eventually, consistently for about half a year. I saw some early results.
Then I somehow ended up dating a girl for 2 months. That didn't have anything to do with me working out though. But after those 2 months she ended it.
And ever since, stronger than ever before, I feel like wtf am I doing it all for? It took me 30 years to ask someone out. And I am convinced I wont find another.
It's never going to be good enough to watch people on any social media, and send them likes or comments. It's empty mental calories. It's like talking to a photo.
Having people in the room with you is always going to be better. We're connected, but we're not THERE. You can't reach out and hug a screen. You can't do anything more than talk AT someone online. It's impossible to talk WITH someone. You can't offer someone a coffee, or show them how you feel, or be THERE for anyone.
Being there in person is immensely better than talking to a phone or a screen. You can't swipe away from a real person RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, and we need more real people RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.
I know I do.
True, I've healed more with my bf in half a year than alone in 2.
You say people need other people to grow and evolve. That is why I encourage myself to communicate and often feel disappointed and regret it. Seems like my each extra text message or phone call was uncalled for. Like I overshared even if I actually didn't. I think communication is very overestimated these days. We need to learn to keep our feelings to ourselves and survive in loneliness.