my favorite has always been "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I wouldn't wish that horror on even you" but for vicious mockery a good one (technically two) is: "You're not worth the spell slot I wasted to cast this" (followed next turn by) "Still havent figured it out yet? Its a cantrip, didnt even use a spell slot. and its *still* a waste"
@@troysultana1491 nah, “a voice for art” sounds like you’re telling them they have good opinions about art. Instead say they have a perfectly abstract face.
I think OP wanted to (un)subtly call their players a bunch of morons who make stupid decisions "You're clearly not the farthest-sliding penguin, are you." "If you had brains, I'd tell you to think back to everything you ever did. Alas, here we are." "Whatever you do, do NOT tilt your head over me. I don't want brain soup in my seams." "Why? Just... why?" "Look at your friends. See what they're doing? That's exactly how you ended up in this predicament." "So were you bored and decided to ruin your own quest, or...?" "You know, I love a sensible, level-headed owner... if only you could be like that." "Whatever you want from me, that's not gonna help." "Could you not? There are better ways to waste everyone's time." "You know, even you could be the most clever one in the party. You just need to consider a solo career." "Ah, a classic. You thought you were smarter than you actually are." "Look, there's no two ways about this. See what you did last time? Well, you fucked up." "I'd tell you not to do that, but you're gonna do it anyway." "Oh, welcome! Let me guess - more bad decisions on top of your previous stupid decisions?" "I don't know why I even care." "You do realize I can insult you all day, right?" "Oh thank you, but I didn't really NEED more material to ridicule you with." "You need to keep that stupidity of yours in check - there's only so much healing supplies in the world."
@@kiddykatand if that character isn’t exactly the *most* moral chef: “Mind flayers would take one look at you and would feel empty stomachs. Don’t worry, you’re not stupid, just… a disgrace in the kitchen and on the table.” When the chef makes a bad decision: “If that’s the best idea you could cook up, then I’d rather not taste your food, numb-nuts. Wait, that’s the wrong language… what was it in common again… oh right! Faeces!”
“ even peasants would tell you to shower” “ *WOW* , here I thought you had zero brain cells but it looks like you have less” “ some would say you’re stupid, the others don’t know that you exist” “ I’d compare your IQ to ants, but even they know how to solve problems” “ you need to take a shower you’r attracting all the rats” “ I swear you stinking enough that the undead pinch their noses” “you’r the annoying NPC that no one wants to listen to… oh, no wait, NPC‘s *LOOK* nice.” “ I thought smart parties through their trash away, so haven’t they throw you out?” When they do something stupid *together* “ That’s why they keep you around. They have the same IQ as you”
If the player deliberately tilts their head over the bag when he said the brain soup line "What did i just say?! Ah, no matter, i suppose i expected too much of ya. You're about as full as a broken bottle."
But that isn't the premise? The premise was just asking for insults to sling at players every time they use the living bag. The item is the one doing the insulting, not item-based insults.
Elderberries smell good though… maybe “smelt like a bugbears armpit” or “smelt like a worg shat him out” But maybe this is a joke I’m not getting haha 🤷♀️
"You are, by far, the worst adventurer i've never heard of." "Look, pal, i only have a maximum carrying capacity of 500 lbs. You need to start pulling your weight in this party." "I have a vast amount of storage space, you'll have to rummage around a bit for that brain cell you put away in here." "I can hold a lot, but I'm fairly certain your ego won't fit. Your competence, however..."
" why even put your things inside me? you have a perfectly good skull that has a lot of empty space in there!" (taking out any blunt weapon) " If I were you, i'd worry that even this thing has more edge." (if taking out a grenade or anything) " remember, count to three... oh wait, those numbers might be too high for you." "look, I'm bigger on the inside and even I can't manage to hide my disappointment in you"
@@rudelwolf1591 I was thinking along the lines of "I wonder why any of you need me to carry things when they have *your* head!" but it seems you beat me to the punch(line)
"Look buddy, the maul is overcompensating, a dart would be more appropriate." "Thank god I don't keep atmosphere in here, have you ever smelt yourself? Or is that thing on your face actually a fungus and not just shaped like one?" "It wasn't until I met you that I was grateful for my extremely poor eyesight." "Hey look, I know about your will and all and while a Viking funeral is cool I'd like to see the end of next week so can we not?" "You know I'm actually a Bag of Devouring, but I don't want a heart attack from you mopes. Need to watch my fat intake."
"If you were a spell nobody would bother to learn you." "Whoa! What diety did your parents piss off to have made you?" "I'm 'sorry' , nobody cares. Don't come back later."
I once played a kind of fantasy noir detective kind of campaign. One particularly amusing interaction happened after an inane argument in a dive bar between a NPC and my mob goon Goliath turned violent. Halfling Bard, also my character’s best friend: “Yo yo why you trying to grease this guy?!” My character: “HE POURS MILK FIRST, THEN THE CEREAL!” Bard: *[immediately turns to the NPC and rolls vicious mockery]* “Yeah, he probably wipes his ass before takin a shit, too.” NPC: *[fucking dies]*
"You need to apologize to the trees for all the oxygen you've wasted." "You're a dollar short and a day late to the fair." "Bout as sharp as a circle, this one." "I'm not even sure science can make use of you." "If someone took you, consider them your new family, cause i ain't pay for you back."
"Y'know, I used to have depression. I mean, I'm a Bag of Holding, what do I got in my life? ...But, hoo! Boy, you sure helped me with that. I mean, if I have it rough, just look at you! At least I have uses!"
Upon reaching into the bag: "I don't have any boogers for you to eat." "You should at least take me out to dinner first." "Just take it, quickly! I can't suffer your filthy extremity any longer."
"Each of your utterances is more clever than the next." "Even the consumption would spit you out." "How fortunate you are to be immune to mind flayers."
"i have neither the time nor the crayons to explain how much of a bad idea this is." "may it be a bright and sunny day, when your friends bury you." "does vicious mockery even work on you? your int is so low you probably think its a delightful complement."
Party, searching for a specific item- "Where is it?! We need it to save the city!" BoS- "The gravity of this situation is astonishing. It's rivaled only by the sheer magnitude of my disinterest."
"Get outta my sight you room temperature water bottle" before launching a water bottle at the player to hit them in the face and potentially bursting and getting them wet.
Nice idea. Some of these insults would work well for a magic item I have been toying with. Arcane Index. Anyone attuned to this item can link it to books in their library and access the information remotely. Those who are not attuned who attempt to read will get the text subtly altered to cast Vicious Mockery on the reader Risk/reward if you kill the index's owner but don't attune you can still read their collection thus allowing you to look up information or transcribe spells(if you can focus through the constant attacks). If you attune the existing links are broken.
"A paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant", followed by fetching wrong item. (Quote from some old internet meme list.) "You know, you could try throwing halfling instead. They will return if you bend them correctly" - when fetching throwing item or ammunition. "Scholars say magical prowess cannot be negative, but I think I found an counterexample" "Please have some gum. Or toffee candy. Anything to stop you singing!" - the bag produces a single piece of large candy. The candy will make the character speech unintelligible for couple rounds. Disappears if not used. Bonus points if you physically hand a candy to the player.
Panic Grimtongue from "The unexpectables" had some real good Vicous Mockeries. My personal favorites were "You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting down you hair you let down all of your friends", and when the party was fighting a young black dragon "You know how to kill yourself to a dragon? Climb up its ego and then fall to its IQ!"
"May you one day deserve the good life." = my absolute favorite that I ever came up with, because it is *insidious* due to the fact it *sounds* like a compliment...but very much isn't. This is the kind of Vicious Mockery that will have the target dropping off the face of the planet an *hour* later, long after you've left and found yourself a very nice, public alibi...
My favorite was a use of Vicious Mockery at a hill giant. "Yo mama so fat, you can't tell her apart from the hill!" IIRC correctly, it also did max damage (not that it's that much lol).
"If you were any more dense, you'd sink." "You make a match look as bright as the sun." "You make an orb look as sharp as the rogues daggers." "An orc has more of a brain than you" These are just a few I spitballed.
As a bard, I usually just reskin a familiar song with appropriately insulting lyrics (which gives me something to think about while everyone else is taking their turn). Like, to the tune of Sk8r Boi: “He was a displacer beast / with a stupid face. At least / he will not be around too long. / He thought we’d be easy prey / Now he’s having a bad day / and we will make potions from his dong.”
That is a VERY creative idea! If the players respond well to it, the Bag could become a character in its own right, giving a running commentary on the party's performance. Perhaps you could make the Bag an intelligent item with a will of its own. Whenever the player wants to draw from the bag or put something in the bag, they have to make an opposed will check. If they fail, the Bag says something sarcastic, and they have to try again. It could be a lot of fun. A possibly interesting variation would be that when the player fails their opposed will check, not only do they have to endure the Bag's commentary, but they have to come up with a snappy comeback in order to get another attempt.
The best infult for the Rogue is probably something like _"your parents weren't killed when you were young, nor did they abandon you. You were just so annoying that they payed a wizard to araise all the memories you have from them, so you couldn't find them..."_ or at least something along those lines
"'Ey, why you rummagin' around for a knife? Just use summadat edge you got drippin' off you, Duhhnte. You're so edgy, you deal 1d6 slashin' damage to your party's average INT score."
if you roll a 100 it actually compliments you “My god I didn’t have much hope for you, but you, girl/boy/whatever the person using the bag is, have made me proud” and it heals you for like 5 If you roll a one it will damage you for 10. “How did you manage to screw thing up so badly, you are a disappointment to all dice rollers
"What ever you find there, it'll be useless on your buttery mitts." "Ya find whatcha lookin' for? Try not to drop it like a Kobold on deathweed this time."
"There once was a maiden from Stone Hollow Who said not much, but she did swallow I once had a lance That she sat upon The maiden from Stone Hollow Who's also your mom"
"I'd say a [insert race/role here (i.e. barbarian)] rolls higher [insert least used stat here(i.e. intelligence)] than you, but that'd be an insult to the dice, [insert same race/role here in plural form(i.e. barbarians)], and the DM"
"They say to save the best one for last, but you don't deserve it. Get your filthy item and begone!" "Sorry bud, not even I can hold onto your problems." "Inside you there are two wolves and you are more clueless than them." "Knowledge is power? I feel sorry for your wizard over there." "No. I'm not interested in the Bard. I'd rather be with the dragon." "Raising the dead? How about you raise yourself some common sense hmm?" "Oh my, did you even wash your hands? No, of course not. Disgusting." "Using me again? Better call a doctor because not even a crutch will save you." (If in a town): "Eek! Help get this ogre away from me!"
I'd have my bag break the fourth wall since it's to vent frustration and all, it's even funnier since ''in-game'' the characters would be super confused by the insults. I'd have ones like ''Look's like mom and dad rolled a one.'' ''Get that cheetos dust away from me!'' ''A blonde elf with giant assets, how original.'' ''I know it's not the dog who farted.'' ''Better not miss that next perception check.'' ''Even the cat has a better attention span.'' ''Invisibility was a good spell to choose.'' ''I wish you would have learned teleport, maybe you'd be here on time.'' and specifically to a druid ''Furry.''
Had mid-boss who actively attacked the players physically and mentally. Favorite was when one of them rolled a Nat 1 and fell. "Oh, dear. You've fallen to your knees. Can you not stand back up? Then crawl down there for the rest of your short life like the insect you are."
"You're about as sensible as an opaque window." "I have better hand-eye coordination, and I have neither of those." "Really. You *just* now realized you needed that?" "Y'all should have a competion about who makes the worst decisions."
"The bar of expectations for you is so low, it's practically a tripping hazard in the ninth layer of Avernus. And yet here you are, playing limbo with Asmodeus."
"Give my condolences to your mother, seeing that face on the baby she birthed must've been traumatizing"
Yes
When doctor saw how ugly the baby was, the poor mother got slapped
You slew me, take my inspiration and my magic item (+1 annoying flute)
Also hits because any instance of saying "your mother" is improved with a Joe Pesci accent
@@ZacSpeaksGiant "bag of holding, what do you have for me?"
"Yo mudda"
my favorite has always been "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I wouldn't wish that horror on even you"
but for vicious mockery a good one (technically two) is:
"You're not worth the spell slot I wasted to cast this" (followed next turn by) "Still havent figured it out yet? Its a cantrip, didnt even use a spell slot. and its *still* a waste"
*writes that down*
"I wouldn't explain it except it's clear you need help."
@@MemoristCed The original was horrific, but this is just... *chef's kiss on top*
@@MemoristCed"I wish meaning of this one was clear to you, but I know better than to expect this from you"
YES
"Your face is fit for radio and your voice is fit for silent movies"
Reminds me of Better Bachelor's opening remarks "with a face for radio and a voice for print."
@@OnlyKaeriusFace for radio, voice for letters, and handwriting for television
And your silhouette is fit for abstract art
instead of silent movies, maybe say art?
@@troysultana1491 nah, “a voice for art” sounds like you’re telling them they have good opinions about art. Instead say they have a perfectly abstract face.
'Ooooh, this one's sharp... sharp as a marble'
"Sharp as a sack of wet mice."
(Sharp as an ooze?)
This insult oozes Joe Pesci vibes.
😂
This.
THIS IS FAVOURITE
“Kid’s about as sharp as a bowling ball!”
"You are a background character in your own life."
Steven He's father: "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!"
"You are none of your best friends' best friend" actually dealt a critical blow of that I think
"You look like a walking side-effect of a bad potion interaction."
Considering the statistics on potion interactions...yikes. That's a doozy~
"You are absolutely magical. Not like wish or fire storm magical though, more like true strike or faerie fire."
Don't do Faerie fire dirty like that its great! In one specific context
"You're about as useful as Arcane Lock, my dude. No wonder nobody takes you."
@@LordOceanus Which is one more than the guy he's talking about!
@@LordOceanus Precisely. In only one context.
"i know we just met, but id wager you fudge your roles in a game that nerds play."
“I envy those who have not had the displeasure of making your acquaintance.”
"Oh my, what a nasty rodent! Hold on, I have the right thing just for you" Then the character's hand get stuck in a mouse trap, 1d2 damage.
I love this
The worst part of this is someone having to roll a d2.
@@Meriliremcolloquially this is called a “coin flip”
I think OP wanted to (un)subtly call their players a bunch of morons who make stupid decisions
"You're clearly not the farthest-sliding penguin, are you."
"If you had brains, I'd tell you to think back to everything you ever did. Alas, here we are."
"Whatever you do, do NOT tilt your head over me. I don't want brain soup in my seams."
"Why? Just... why?"
"Look at your friends. See what they're doing? That's exactly how you ended up in this predicament."
"So were you bored and decided to ruin your own quest, or...?"
"You know, I love a sensible, level-headed owner... if only you could be like that."
"Whatever you want from me, that's not gonna help."
"Could you not? There are better ways to waste everyone's time."
"You know, even you could be the most clever one in the party. You just need to consider a solo career."
"Ah, a classic. You thought you were smarter than you actually are."
"Look, there's no two ways about this. See what you did last time? Well, you fucked up."
"I'd tell you not to do that, but you're gonna do it anyway."
"Oh, welcome! Let me guess - more bad decisions on top of your previous stupid decisions?"
"I don't know why I even care."
"You do realize I can insult you all day, right?"
"Oh thank you, but I didn't really NEED more material to ridicule you with."
"You need to keep that stupidity of yours in check - there's only so much healing supplies in the world."
"a mindflayer would go hungry if you were on the menu"
@@kiddykatand if that character isn’t exactly the *most* moral chef:
“Mind flayers would take one look at you and would feel empty stomachs.
Don’t worry, you’re not stupid, just… a disgrace in the kitchen and on the table.”
When the chef makes a bad decision:
“If that’s the best idea you could cook up, then I’d rather not taste your food, numb-nuts.
Wait, that’s the wrong language… what was it in common again… oh right! Faeces!”
“ even peasants would tell you to shower”
“ *WOW* , here I thought you had zero brain cells but it looks like you have less”
“ some would say you’re stupid, the others don’t know that you exist”
“ I’d compare your IQ to ants, but even they know how to solve problems”
“ you need to take a shower you’r attracting all the rats”
“ I swear you stinking enough that the undead pinch their noses”
“you’r the annoying NPC that no one wants to listen to… oh, no wait, NPC‘s *LOOK* nice.”
“ I thought smart parties through their trash away, so haven’t they throw you out?”
When they do something stupid *together*
“ That’s why they keep you around. They have the same IQ as you”
If the player deliberately tilts their head over the bag when he said the brain soup line "What did i just say?! Ah, no matter, i suppose i expected too much of ya. You're about as full as a broken bottle."
Love that the comment section immediately forgot the premise of these being item based insults and just started goin for the throat
It's the internet dude, we're always ready to go at someone for any reason.
Hey it said scolding when they get out an item, never said it had to be about the items!
Staying on-premise would require attention span, and the Internet is basically the ADHD collective of the human race.
The Internet has a license to kill by verbal raconteur
But that isn't the premise? The premise was just asking for insults to sling at players every time they use the living bag. The item is the one doing the insulting, not item-based insults.
"I've been trapped in that chest for 3,000 years, and ten seconds with you is making me miss it."
One could always go for a classic, like...
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
your mother was a miniature giant space hamster, and you father smelt of goodberries.
Elderberries smell good though… maybe “smelt like a bugbears armpit” or “smelt like a worg shat him out”
But maybe this is a joke I’m not getting haha 🤷♀️
You silly English k-nnnnnights!
@@Drocksas You silly *Neverwinter* K-nnnnights!
Apparently it means your mother sleeps around and your father's a drunkard.
(if the player decides to trade insults with the Bag) Careful. I hear it's bad luck if you use your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.
Did you just rip a diss from Disney's "Oliver and Company" of all things? That is a heck of a deep cut lol.
@@kingofbudokai Hell of an underappreciated cut too. I loved Francis for that line as a kid. And it's not quoted often and needs to be.
"You truly are wonderful. I mean, I always wonder how the f*** you manage to look in the mirror without crying every morning"
Diabolical
"You are, by far, the worst adventurer i've never heard of."
"Look, pal, i only have a maximum carrying capacity of 500 lbs. You need to start pulling your weight in this party."
"I have a vast amount of storage space, you'll have to rummage around a bit for that brain cell you put away in here."
"I can hold a lot, but I'm fairly certain your ego won't fit. Your competence, however..."
But you have heard of me
" why even put your things inside me? you have a perfectly good skull that has a lot of empty space in there!"
(taking out any blunt weapon) " If I were you, i'd worry that even this thing has more edge."
(if taking out a grenade or anything) " remember, count to three... oh wait, those numbers might be too high for you."
"look, I'm bigger on the inside and even I can't manage to hide my disappointment in you"
@@rudelwolf1591 I was thinking along the lines of "I wonder why any of you need me to carry things when they have *your* head!" but it seems you beat me to the punch(line)
"When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, a dissapointment was not supposed to be an option."
"It must be tough looking at other peoples and seeing all the ways you could have sucked less,but alas"
"Aaagh, a Troll is violating me! Oh, it's you. That's even worse."
"But yeah, that's not the worst thing I ever had stuffed in me. Lookin' at you, BARD."
(I'm so sorry.)
@@MemoristCed(the Bard stuffed in 15 pristine corpses, 17 entire crime scenes, an 188+ hardcore [] magazine, and the world’s smelliest knife)
"Look buddy, the maul is overcompensating, a dart would be more appropriate."
"Thank god I don't keep atmosphere in here, have you ever smelt yourself? Or is that thing on your face actually a fungus and not just shaped like one?"
"It wasn't until I met you that I was grateful for my extremely poor eyesight."
"Hey look, I know about your will and all and while a Viking funeral is cool I'd like to see the end of next week so can we not?"
"You know I'm actually a Bag of Devouring, but I don't want a heart attack from you mopes. Need to watch my fat intake."
that last one is brutal
"You are unique in that with most people, at least their mothers think they are special"
"Your parents were the only one who didn't think you're "special" "
@@amauryleblanc7979 that is common, tbh.
"It's times like these I'm GLAD I'm not a Bag of Devourin'. Yuck."
"If you were a spell nobody would bother to learn you."
"Whoa! What diety did your parents piss off to have made you?"
"I'm 'sorry' , nobody cares. Don't come back later."
Deity
@@MurasakiTsukimaru
thank you for pointing that out.
" did you cast grease on yourself? Oh no, you look always like that? my bad."
I once played a kind of fantasy noir detective kind of campaign. One particularly amusing interaction happened after an inane argument in a dive bar between a NPC and my mob goon Goliath turned violent.
Halfling Bard, also my character’s best friend: “Yo yo why you trying to grease this guy?!”
My character: “HE POURS MILK FIRST, THEN THE CEREAL!”
Bard: *[immediately turns to the NPC and rolls vicious mockery]*
“Yeah, he probably wipes his ass before takin a shit, too.”
NPC: *[fucking dies]*
Holy fucking shit😂
Oh my fucking god
"You need to apologize to the trees for all the oxygen you've wasted."
"You're a dollar short and a day late to the fair."
"Bout as sharp as a circle, this one."
"I'm not even sure science can make use of you."
"If someone took you, consider them your new family, cause i ain't pay for you back."
After "I'm not even sure science can use you": "Actually, science can use you... At least, as an example of natural selection once you die."
"Y'know, I used to have depression. I mean, I'm a Bag of Holding, what do I got in my life? ...But, hoo! Boy, you sure helped me with that. I mean, if I have it rough, just look at you! At least I have uses!"
Fuck nat 2 on vicious mockery!
@@therwbymeta2652Good point, I should have replaced that last line with "At least people want me around!". Would've flowed a bit better.
"If I wanted to cast Vicious Mockery on you, I'd hold up a mirror. Here."
"What you really need is a miracle to get out of this mess, which I have no doubts was your fault to begin with."
Once our bbeg kidnapped the town mascot which is a pig, my bard said
"The only reason you took the pig is do you have something to aspire to"
“Look, buddy, I could use a good conversation, so… would you mind leaving?”
"Look at this one, brain so smooth. No wrinkles. No crinkle."
A polite insult. Don't know where I found it but I found it funny
Co-worker likes to use: "smooth and polished, no ridges or bumps, no valleys or humps."
@@carlborg8023 all ideas slide right off, like a water slide
Upon reaching into the bag:
"I don't have any boogers for you to eat."
"You should at least take me out to dinner first."
"Just take it, quickly! I can't suffer your filthy extremity any longer."
The second one is used for bards
"Each of your utterances is more clever than the next."
"Even the consumption would spit you out."
"How fortunate you are to be immune to mind flayers."
"Wow, I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I didn't know it was split among them."
" Even a gorgon would keep her eyes shut with you around."
"i have neither the time nor the crayons to explain how much of a bad idea this is."
"may it be a bright and sunny day, when your friends bury you."
"does vicious mockery even work on you? your int is so low you probably think its a delightful complement."
*character enters the bag of scolding* “If somebody needs *PC*… I’d be surprised”
"This guy has delusions of adequacy"
Party, searching for a specific item- "Where is it?! We need it to save the city!"
BoS- "The gravity of this situation is astonishing. It's rivaled only by the sheer magnitude of my disinterest."
For a Bard "If I was to make a diss track for you, it would be an encyclopaedia."
"You won't fit that thing in here, it's too small."
"Ah, yes, I have something that will help for this situation." *produces scroll of application for the most recent tavern's dishwasher position.
"With your vocal talent, I'm surprised you're a bard instead of a mime!"
Wishing this video was an hour long, because gold.
Same
"I became an atheist after meeting you. What kind of cruel god would allow you to exist?"
"Get outta my sight you room temperature water bottle" before launching a water bottle at the player to hit them in the face and potentially bursting and getting them wet.
"Roll a dex save"
@@jacktaylor6253let's hope I roll high
*Rolls*
I got a 10... What does that mean?
@@Juliethefurball water bottle dies 1d4 off your head, but you get no water on you
"You are the adventurer-equivalent of a participation award."
Nice idea. Some of these insults would work well for a magic item I have been toying with.
Arcane Index. Anyone attuned to this item can link it to books in their library and access the information remotely. Those who are not attuned who attempt to read will get the text subtly altered to cast Vicious Mockery on the reader
Risk/reward if you kill the index's owner but don't attune you can still read their collection thus allowing you to look up information or transcribe spells(if you can focus through the constant attacks). If you attune the existing links are broken.
"A paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant", followed by fetching wrong item. (Quote from some old internet meme list.)
"You know, you could try throwing halfling instead. They will return if you bend them correctly" - when fetching throwing item or ammunition.
"Scholars say magical prowess cannot be negative, but I think I found an counterexample"
"Please have some gum. Or toffee candy. Anything to stop you singing!" - the bag produces a single piece of large candy. The candy will make the character speech unintelligible for couple rounds. Disappears if not used. Bonus points if you physically hand a candy to the player.
That last one made me immediately think, "It's hard to bargle noggle zous with all these marbles in my mouth."
Panic Grimtongue from "The unexpectables" had some real good Vicous Mockeries. My personal favorites were "You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting down you hair you let down all of your friends", and when the party was fighting a young black dragon "You know how to kill yourself to a dragon? Climb up its ego and then fall to its IQ!"
Yeah I'm watching their first campaign again and I can always get a laugh from the series. Especially after they got God's following them around.
*clearly inspects the pc*
"You worried 'bout succubi or lost your mirror?"
if brains were riches you be a beggar or
if being good looking was a crime you would be an upstanding citizen
If looks could kill, yours would raise the dead.
"Son, you're as sharp as a bowling ball." as one falls out of the bag on the holders foot for 1d4...
"May you one day deserve the good life." = my absolute favorite that I ever came up with, because it is *insidious* due to the fact it *sounds* like a compliment...but very much isn't. This is the kind of Vicious Mockery that will have the target dropping off the face of the planet an *hour* later, long after you've left and found yourself a very nice, public alibi...
"I see you're the kinda fella who packs a bag of sand and forgets a breathmint"
"you got 2 braincells fighting for third place."
I'm stealing the "paragon of mediocrity" line for my bard
My favorite was a use of Vicious Mockery at a hill giant.
"Yo mama so fat, you can't tell her apart from the hill!"
IIRC correctly, it also did max damage (not that it's that much lol).
"It must be nice living with your brain. Having to consistently remember to consciously breathe must make up for most of your entertainment."
"You know your friends only tolerate you, right?"
“Too easy.” Even better if they have been insulted already. Or even if it’s a new owner and they have seen the insults being hurled at the others.
“If you told me you were the bastard son of a lich and a beholder, I wouldn’t bat an eye.”
Mine is (only use this in a chill campaign)
“My mill grinds sugar and spice
Your mill grinds rats and mice”
That was an actual insult in the 1800s
"Your parents must change the subject whenever your name comes up in conversation."
“Oof, _someone_ rolled badly on their abilities… hm? You say you used point-buy? Well, that explains why intelligence is your *dump stat…”*
"I feel bad for your patron they have to you give you powers and the only thing they got out of it was your worthless little soul."
"If you were any more dense, you'd sink."
"You make a match look as bright as the sun."
"You make an orb look as sharp as the rogues daggers."
"An orc has more of a brain than you"
These are just a few I spitballed.
As a bard, I usually just reskin a familiar song with appropriately insulting lyrics (which gives me something to think about while everyone else is taking their turn). Like, to the tune of Sk8r Boi: “He was a displacer beast / with a stupid face. At least / he will not be around too long. / He thought we’d be easy prey / Now he’s having a bad day / and we will make potions from his dong.”
*WHAT CAN I SAY, EXCEPT, YOU'RE WORTHLESS! You don't even deserve this insult.*
"You look like a reverse centaur"
That is a VERY creative idea! If the players respond well to it, the Bag could become a character in its own right, giving a running commentary on the party's performance. Perhaps you could make the Bag an intelligent item with a will of its own. Whenever the player wants to draw from the bag or put something in the bag, they have to make an opposed will check. If they fail, the Bag says something sarcastic, and they have to try again. It could be a lot of fun.
A possibly interesting variation would be that when the player fails their opposed will check, not only do they have to endure the Bag's commentary, but they have to come up with a snappy comeback in order to get another attempt.
GREAT SWORD? nah you're not over compensating.
I need to remember some of these
I got hit by a car a couple days ago, thanks for posting a vid to make me feel better!
Hope your okay omg
good to know you still with us
I thought this was going to turn into another insult: "I got hit by a car and I still look better than you".
i cast healing whispers, hope you feel better soon!
Congrats on not dying.
P.S. you know what they say “what doesnt kill you makes you stronger” so if theres a next time you’re gonna rock its ####
"Your father wishes he wasn't."
The best infult for the Rogue is probably something like _"your parents weren't killed when you were young, nor did they abandon you. You were just so annoying that they payed a wizard to araise all the memories you have from them, so you couldn't find them..."_ or at least something along those lines
"'Ey, why you rummagin' around for a knife? Just use summadat edge you got drippin' off you, Duhhnte. You're so edgy, you deal 1d6 slashin' damage to your party's average INT score."
if you roll a 100 it actually compliments you
“My god I didn’t have much hope for you, but you, girl/boy/whatever the person using the bag is, have made me proud” and it heals you for like 5
If you roll a one it will damage you for 10.
“How did you manage to screw thing up so badly, you are a disappointment to all dice rollers
“Whenever I’m blessed with a long period of your absence, I like to think you’re dead, and I’m always disappointed when you turn up again.”
From Panic Grimtongue of the Unexpectables: "Do you know how to kill yourself with a dragon? You climb its ego, then fall to its IQ."
Oh God I remember that. He had some real zingers.
No you're right, I'm sure lots of fighters have swords smarter than them
"my condolences to you for that unfortunate curse you have. What? That's your natural look?"
"What ever you find there, it'll be useless on your buttery mitts."
"Ya find whatcha lookin' for? Try not to drop it like a Kobold on deathweed this time."
If the ranger or another long-range class misses a really easy shot: "I'd say your aim is cancer, but cancer actually kills people"
You could try something old school like “Who chewed you up and spat you back out again?”
"I envy everyone you've never met."
"I hope that you lose weight so that there will be less of you."
Nah giving them a card instead of the object is peak petty DM behavior 💀
"There once was a maiden from Stone Hollow
Who said not much, but she did swallow
I once had a lance
That she sat upon
The maiden from Stone Hollow
Who's also your mom"
Bro why isn't this one higher
„The world is a bowl of soup and you’re a fork in it“
It’s not super insulting but it’s stylish and poetic
"go fetch your fucking shine box"
"I'd say a [insert race/role here (i.e. barbarian)] rolls higher [insert least used stat here(i.e. intelligence)] than you, but that'd be an insult to the dice, [insert same race/role here in plural form(i.e. barbarians)], and the DM"
"They say to save the best one for last, but you don't deserve it. Get your filthy item and begone!"
"Sorry bud, not even I can hold onto your problems."
"Inside you there are two wolves and you are more clueless than them."
"Knowledge is power? I feel sorry for your wizard over there."
"No. I'm not interested in the Bard. I'd rather be with the dragon."
"Raising the dead? How about you raise yourself some common sense hmm?"
"Oh my, did you even wash your hands? No, of course not. Disgusting."
"Using me again? Better call a doctor because not even a crutch will save you."
(If in a town):
"Eek! Help get this ogre away from me!"
I'd have my bag break the fourth wall since it's to vent frustration and all, it's even funnier since ''in-game'' the characters would be super confused by the insults.
I'd have ones like
''Look's like mom and dad rolled a one.''
''Get that cheetos dust away from me!''
''A blonde elf with giant assets, how original.''
''I know it's not the dog who farted.''
''Better not miss that next perception check.''
''Even the cat has a better attention span.''
''Invisibility was a good spell to choose.''
''I wish you would have learned teleport, maybe you'd be here on time.''
and specifically to a druid ''Furry.''
Had mid-boss who actively attacked the players physically and mentally. Favorite was when one of them rolled a Nat 1 and fell.
"Oh, dear. You've fallen to your knees. Can you not stand back up? Then crawl down there for the rest of your short life like the insect you are."
In my head, combining Tongues with Vicious Mockery let's everyone in the room understand the insult.
I am infinite and even o can’t fit that ego in here
"Are you sure you need me? Your brain box seems plenty empty...."
My personal go tos, “You make me wish my immune system knew my eyes existed.”
Or
“You look like you’d plead insanity to tax evasion”
"You're about as sensible as an opaque window."
"I have better hand-eye coordination, and I have neither of those."
"Really. You *just* now realized you needed that?"
"Y'all should have a competion about who makes the worst decisions."
I don't play DnD but I would one hundred percent repeat the Low tier God speech for vicious mockery
"The bar of expectations for you is so low, it's practically a tripping hazard in the ninth layer of Avernus. And yet here you are, playing limbo with Asmodeus."
I love this magic item so much.
"if you didn't find your dignity at the bottom of a bottle your not going to find it at the bottom of this bag"
"I heard the last beholder blinded itself when it saw ya coming."
"You could be encased in gold and jewels and a dragon still wouldn't want ya."
"How is it that you have two functional legs yet have gotten absolutely nowhere in your life?"