My whole life I thought I didn't handle happiness well and or I would say I'm afraid of being happy and people always used to say it or should I say they always used to ask me why do you keep sabotaging yourself and the answer to all of those questions was always my father was behind all of it since he is a narcissist unable to be happy for me or jealous of my happiness He destroyed any of it he saw that's also why I instinctually hid things from my family including a wife of two years after she met my family we were divorced within a year.
its like im so self aware of it and it feels like im in a Stockholm Syndrome. its terrifying and i just want it to stop and i want to move on and heal and not be constantly pulled back to the trauma bond
My trauma bond is almost fully broken. He's trying to come back but his words don't have the same pull anymore. I think it's because I stayed until I couldn't stand to look at his face. Since your comment was 6 months ago, I'm praying you've moved on!
The reason we never learn about the stuff in high school is so the bosses could take advantage of us and I bet anyone $1,000 they couldn't prove otherwise
Yeah, there are many narcissists, psychopaths and dark triad personality types in high power positions. I remember being taught about being assertive and remember narcissists bragging about their supposedly high "emotional intelligence"... 😂😂😂
Continuing on when they taught us at school to be assertive, one thing which comes to mind is that a grandiose narcissist takes the whole concept of "being assertive" to a pathological height: He/she asserts his/her own grandiose self image over everyone and everything around him/her.
The trauma bond breaks when you find someone better. It sounds cliche but it’s a fact. Once you find that special person your thoughts and feelings of the ex fades more and more until they’re just a memory. In my case the tables turned since I found someone else. Now she is obsessed with me. 😂 But I will not devalue myself by being with someone who doesn’t see my value. Don’t punish and restrict yourself because of THEIR insecurities. Eventually they will see what they missed out on. God bless 🙏
Actually; It breaks when you allow yourself to heal by doing the inner healing work. It does not break by finding another person. One has to become mentally and emotionally healthy first. Once your self-confidence and self-esteem is restored, then the Trauma Bond has no hold over you. This requires you to go 100% No Contact with the one you are trauma bonded with.
@@risingeagle6332 Agree. A ‘better’ person can help us understand and give us clarity, and certainly is a balm to our weary minds. But it’s not true healing in ourselves. Guaranteed if that ‘better’ person changed for some reason, or their true self emerged - say during crisis times - we would trauma bond to then and do all those 7 things all over again. Happened to me. Feeling happy the ex is miserable is a sign one hasn’t healed.
Nope.. trauma bond breaks when you heal your inner child on your own.. not through others. What you’re describing is the monkey bar phenomena, where you let go once you grab something else.. still not healthy.
Is there anyone else listening to this taking comfort that you were a victim ? I listen to this thinking, yep they did that, but l did that too. We all need to own what we brought to the relationship or else we go into others not trusting or playing a victim. Let those without sin cast the first stone.
Well said! 👏🏼 A narcissistic person is always in a relationship with another narcissist. Codependency is covert narcissism which can be even sneakier and more dangerous than the overt one. So no one is really a victim!
5:10 the justifying part hit so hard. My close (female) friends all said I was like a beaten wife who wants to stay no matter what. I was, in fact, being emotionally beaten.
Ignored; labeled; Shamed; isolated; triangulated; blamed; ridicule; verbally assaulted; the trauma bond is a wild ride and it doesn’t just affect the person being assaulted but resonates outward towards their children. It’s awful.
The thing with me is, I actually know I'm a good woman. I love the woman I've become. I don't understand why the man I love doesn't see it. It's as if I let this one person imprint on me and I can't do or think of anything else except try to make them see what I see in myself.
I know exactly how you feel. I have always been a good woman, hardworking, loving, and dedicated to my family. The weird thing is that my abusive husband never can see it. No matter how much I do he always says I’m not contributing anything and doing everything wrong. So over the past ten years I’ve been constantly trying to improve. At this point he’s molded me into this sort of superwoman trad wife who also has to support the family financially and it’s still not enough for him. I know I will never be able to make him happy yet I keep trying and I’m starting to feel like he is slowly crushing my spirit and soon there won’t be any left 😞
If only I knew what a trauma bond was or, for that matter, what a narcissist (in the clinical definition) was back in the day when I had the misfortune of encountering the narcissist in my life....
This information hits me right in the gut. It's everything I've been experiencing with the man I've been married to for 12 years. He devalued me and discarded me all within 2 months. He's currently shacked up with the secretary from his work. He knows I'm in a really tough spot,I've been on disability since 2015 after losing my son via Suicide. My husband cheated on me 14 months after my sons death, we worked through that ,fast forward almost 9 years later,he kicks me while I'm down again. Ugh....my guts haven't stopped shaking for a month. I'm going to counseling This week. I need major help. Thanks for this Sharing
If I may without offence.. please suggest.. not being loyal to someone that is not doing the same for you. I hope you can possibly open up to the possibility of finding and letting in someone new. You are so beautiful and so worth it. What one man doesn't see in you another could adore. And remember take it slow and don't pressure yourself on anything. You deserve you and you deserve to be your favorite. ❤️
@princeofpersiagirl I'm almost 9 months post his brutal discard, I'm still not divorced because he's dragging it out even though he filed. I've stayed no contact with him. I only see him at court but I just want it done
I'm 55 yrs old and have realized I have been in a trauma bond with my parents since I can remember, with a touchy uncle for 8 yrs (4-12), side of Stockholm Syndrome. Not to mention I actually married my husband because he, now that I see it, did have same narcissistic abuse patterns. I ended the marriage after 10 yrs, but have made the same excuses for him since 94 until now and he passed 2 yrs ago. I ended bond with my father because of the toxic, and abusive behavior 10 yrs ago and just completely cut all ties. Still make excuses like generational curses for him and my mom. 3 weeks ago I stopped talking to my mom for a week, because she was doing stupid things and she had a massive stroke and yesterday we signed DNR and hospice brought in. Her right side was hit and it centered at her understanding, speech and motor skills. I ran to her side wanting to help and going through trauma therapy for the uncle/dad/husband 1st time. It was she couldn't understand why I couldn't get past it. She's tired of it being thrown in her face. 3 weeks of no contact after daily contact 55 yrs. I may have Stockholm symptoms from trauma bonding to my mom. Sorry all I had to say that out loud I guess to sink in. Holy heck! Explains so much.
It’s worth a lot of us knowing: Toxicity isn’t always from overt abuse. Toxic relationships aren’t just victim-narcissist ones. Many of us are wounded and act from those wounds without being ‘abusers’. Sometimes the toxicity comes from those two particular people and their respective wounds coming together - bad mix. Others of us can trauma bond in these 7 ways but in much more nuanced, less extreme ways. For example; The other person reacts poorly to situations and inadvertently hurts you but is not a narcissist or abuser. Likewise, you can do ‘damage control’ and ‘appease’, without creating large stories/lies or being desperate to be liked by them. It’s like a low level survival mode but over time has an enormous impact on your mental wellbeing.
omg you just put perfectly into words what has been happening to me... I always excused my partner because it wasn't malicious or intentional but all of the fighting and bad reactions and shutting me out and not dealing with conflict has been seriously messing with my mental and even physical health.
I was in a relationship with someone and they walked out suddenly. At the time it knocked me for 6 as there was little communication around problems from their end. I trusted we were on the same page and felt the same way about our relationship. We ended up coming back together but it was seriously tumultuous afterwards as trust was severed and I was paranoid that I’d missed something and it would happen again. Fast forward 18 months later - they walked out again. Although that time I could understand as it had been a tough old ride and I was particularly triggered from the 1st event. Now they want back in and I’m surprised that I still consider it after the way that I’ve suffered through this period. Trauma bonds are tough.
This is exactly how things panned out when I was in my previous relationship of 9 years.... a lot of people would say that that's plenty of time to know somebody, but the thing is, our relationship was primarily online (we only met in person 3 or 4 times). I fell in love with somebody who had baggage that felt very heavy and debilitating at times, and at the expense of my own well-being. Even if he was sensitive and empathetic at times, there were also times where he would avoid conflict or create bigger arguments because we couldn't come to an agreement on something important like values or finances. Walking away from all of that wasn't easy, but I knew that I had to put myself first for once and stop excusing his inconsistent behavior.
When i was homeless sleeping in my car working two jobs they still harassed me with the same tactics theyre harassing me with now in this apartment ...they really prowl around and are extremely co dependent
I feel like im in a trauma bond but when i go a days without talking he'd ask me a stupid random question and when I go back hes always like i tried being patient but the attacks got to stop, i always am angry at him. It doesnt feel like a relationship, it always end up me crying myself to sleep. Im so messed up in the head. Ive spoken to guys who are normal and it always felt peaceful and I never felt confused or hurt.
Thank you! You helped me realize that I was trauma bonded to my dad for 26 years. I'm a little in shock but not surprised. I'd known he was passive and emotionally unpredictable and that I was his best friend and defended him to my entire family for years... and that I have attachment issues due to our bond but I didn't expect this. Almost every sign is true. Man daddy issues suck.
This is very helpful. I think I’m done with all the mental abuse. I’m a people pleaser and I’m aware and I think she’s a narcissist, 2 years of her cheating with the ex and then love bombing me to get back, only to again make me feel like I’m not good enough for her to love me. Anyone has any advice on how to move on and get over the depression? I feel more and more physically exhausted but I know is cause I’m excruciatingly sad.
In the same boat here. I moved two states away but his phone calls don't stop. He can't physically hurt me anymore, but the I love you/I hate you emotional roller coaster and the calls so he can emotionally dump all the negativity of his day on my plate keep coming. I could be having a decent day, and if I make the mistake of answering a text or phone call I risk having my mental state sucked right down into that depressive state. I realize now that my need to people please should start with me treating MYSELF the way I treat other people. I think us people pleasers become that way because we have never experienced the focus of someone wanting to do that for US. Part of my own healing journey out of this is understanding my own self worth and ability to love ME have been lacking or just absent most of my life. I KNOW I am a good and loving person who deserves to have good and loving people in my life and for the first time in my life I am allowing myself to FEEL that. Positive affirmations get made fun of a lot, but we really need them to help bring us out of that darkness. Pleasers want to please because we know how deeply mistreatment cuts our hearts. It is ok for you to put your OWN heart first. To give YOURSELF the unconditional love it maybe feels no one else has given you. My own self esteem has been shite, part from childhood part from this narcissistically abusive ex, but I know a lot of that was his own projection from his own cruddy self esteem. Now, I am going to let him keep that crap. Slowly it is becoming easier to ignore texts and calls because I am more and more able to focus on investing in the little things in life that bring my heart joy. Nothing that does that is silly when it comes to healing! One example is that I bought a bunch of prism crystals and hung them in my bedroom window. Now, every morning the sun shines I get to wake up to an explosion of tiny rainbows all over the walls of my room! It's amazing and magic and HAPPY and it belongs to ME. I am sorry I rambled here, and I hope you can find something useful here. More so, I hope you can move on from this toxic person into a place your heart finds peace. I wish you well.
@@ThatMontanaMom thank you for your message. Feeling incredibly down right now. I tried listening to affirmations to lift myself up before and she would always make fun of me. She’s very negative about everything and I felt stupidly hopeful. Like I had to be positive for the two of us every day. You’re right about wishing to feel unconditional love the way I give to people. Sometimes I feel is selfish to want that and other times after listening to affirmations I feel like she is lucky to have me but I don’t think I can change her and how she doesn’t respect me or appreciate me. She keeps going with her life as if nothing happens, probably even happier now that she doesn’t have to worry about my feelings getting hurt when she hides me from her friends cause she’s afraid they’ll give her a hard time cause we got back together, as if I did something wrong to her. I think the pain right now is mostly from feeling like I wasted so much time and feeling so stupid for loving someone like that so much. I hope I can learn and let go of her completely and just heal.
@@sal2705 Oh man, do I get that! I have really struggled with anger at MYSELF for staying in such a messed up, toxic cesspool of a relationship! Now, by nature I am kind of a dry humor, kinda cynical person, mostly about the human race in general. But I will still make eye contact and smile at strangers because I understand people just sometimes need that. Sharing kindness and helpfulness are aspects of my personality I like. Where I get in trouble in intimate relationships is believing if I put in 110% effort, that by some miracle the other person will do that too! Yet I seem to have developed the skill of attracting narcissists who are only too willing to take and take with minimal give back! You know, in the aftermath of this sh*tstorm I came to realize that not only were my own personal boundaries weak, I never really had a clear definition of what I wanted them to be to begin with! I know that I can only change my own self. I can't change him. I can't trust him and I would be a fool to think I could. The one consistency he showed me was that he could never be honest, or faithful and his dependability swung with his moods. He was also an Iraq war veteran and had been in close proximity to explosions that left him with TBI as well as PTSD. There are some changes that he may not be able to make on an actual physiological level because of it. I carry bite scars from this man on several places on my body yet I STILL have a sense of....I honestly don't know if it is pity or real compassion. Yet another part of me wishes a Mack truck had his number. Living with this split feeling daily, then seeing these words written...all I can think is, "How messed up AM I?" It makes me question my entire EXISTENCE! Yet...I have to give myself a little grace for being a perfectly flawed human subject to making massive mistakes, sometimes more than once, but the only time I will ever really fail is if I give up trying to heal. Trying to rise above and do and be better. I think we stay in these awful places because we fear the unknown. That saying, better the devil you know comes to mind. You seen like a good and kind hearted person, and I know your self worth jas taken a serious hit with the feelings of betrayal and rejection. But you deserve to be with a person who is HAPPY to bring you in to their friend group. I mean, do you REALLY want to associate with people who are all about the appearance of happy, successful relationships, or would you rather associate with people who seek genuine depth and connection? People who aren't afraid to be who they are and not some idea of what they THINK people want to see? Cuz man, all that shallow fake garbage seems like an awful lot of work to me. And as for her possibly being happier without you...from what I have learned, people who are constantly negative about everything, are really NOT happy people. I mean, maybe they can play the part for a time, but pretty soon all that internal negativity starts seeping out of them like ink on water just tainting whatever it touches. It is OK for you to give yourself permission to move on (I wish I was as good at taking my own advice here as giving it...🙄😆). There is still a lot of beauty in the world, when we can get our eyes off our own despair and look around. One step at a time. You matter, ya know. The world needs people with good hearts. Probably now more than ever! We are complete strangers, but I believe in you!
Thank you. The reason I really like your video is it’s a difference. It’s not bashing anybody it’s actually explaining what was going on. Thank you so so much!
(Verse) They might believe you're perfectly capable of leaving In reality, though, the trauma bond makes this extremely difficult Caught in a web of emotions, tangled and deceiving Worried about the hold it has, it's hard to break the spell Every night, you lay awake, haunted by the memories The scars run deep, they've etched upon your soul They say time heals all wounds, but it's not as easy as it seems The worry in your heart, it takes its toll Chorus: Oh, the weight of this trauma bond, it's hard to bear Trying to break free, but the worry's always there In the depths of your mind, you're searching for release But the grip of this bond, it won't ever cease (Verse) You put on a brave face, pretending to be strong But deep down, you're worried you'll never be free The trauma bond holds you tight, it feels so wrong You're trapped in a cycle, longing to break free The memories replay like a broken record in your mind The worry consumes you, it's hard to find peace You're torn between the truth and what others might find The weight of this bond, it never seems to cease Chorus: (Bridge) But don't lose hope, my dear, you're stronger than you know You have the power to heal, to find a way out Reach out for support, let your worries go Break free from this bond, there's a brighter path, no doubt Chorus: Outro: They might believe you're perfectly capable of leaving But the worry and the trauma bond, they're intertwined Hold onto hope, find the strength to start believing Break free from this bond, leave the worries behind
But what if it's my child? 😔...this is so hard. We never thought this person could do what they are doing. Breaking our family apart and discarding us.
That sounds tough. Maybe do a TH-cam search with terms like 'narcissistic daughter/son' and see what comes up. Les Carter has very good overall advice for this topic.
New sub here.Thank you for this insight.Your video messages are really helping me .Sincere from Alaska lady Bree sending peace out into the world right now!
Why is it so common to be called a narcissist by one, every time I have ever been called that I look into it I self reflect make self growth possible but I fall back into a trauma bond that I don’t even know existed, multiple relationships now
I’m so not! I’m into a 37 dude! He even had noticed yet. A minor strangeness, he’s catholic I’m not. I even don’t know if it is reciprocal. Time will say.
I don't have a love trauma. I was wrong. Besides, I don't even know what a love trauma is. I have no trouble loving someone. And I like loving things or a special person like you.
There are different types of narcissists, for example, the 'malignant narcissist' or the 'vulnerable narcissist'. Dr Ramani explains a lot about the types if you're interested.
4 days watching videos...Looking for a confession. I thought it wouldn't end up hurting this badly. Just wish I could've caught her in the act. Currently debilitating. Big sigh.
My first wife had major trauma bond issues. It escalated until we broke up. Since we had married and have grown children now, the implications are life long. It all started when we both had toxic childhoods. Do it's no wonder I the empath tried to console the narcissist.
I’m new to all this by the time I found out I’m all fucked up mentally I got depressed I’ve been with no energy back n forth for years now that I’m separated with this person it hurts n feels no other can replace her spot cause it does not feel right when it isn’t with this person so much more just what I thought about in the process of typing this message I was getting abused n somehow very tad bit I started to have narcissistic tendencies
@@CommonEgo thank you so much. I have been watching your trauma bond playlist on my walks over and over and it fits my ex fiance to a T. You don’t know how much this has helped me. I really appreciate it.
She talks slowly, but unfortunately the natural pauses have been edited out, so in listening you have no time to absorb what she's said before she starts talking again.
And... how to break those relationships??? And... where are the affermations??? Those things about narcissists are repeated in every clip, but nobody says anything usefull about how to deal with it.
🚀 Ready to move on from the narcissist and get your life back? Take the FREE 5-Day Breakthrough Challenge: www.commonego.com/breakthrough-challenge
My whole life I thought I didn't handle happiness well and or I would say I'm afraid of being happy and people always used to say it or should I say they always used to ask me why do you keep sabotaging yourself and the answer to all of those questions was always my father was behind all of it since he is a narcissist unable to be happy for me or jealous of my happiness He destroyed any of it he saw that's also why I instinctually hid things from my family including a wife of two years after she met my family we were divorced within a year.
The reason is the acceptance of energy from your parents which has caused trauma of some form, and their energy matches. That is the draw.
How to break the "trauma bond " Of Grandiose narcos with the devil 😈 ?
@@alecstuart5266 Yes trauma bonded after 3 year push/pull with a female covert Narc..
its like im so self aware of it and it feels like im in a Stockholm Syndrome. its terrifying and i just want it to stop and i want to move on and heal and not be constantly pulled back to the trauma bond
I feel the same way!
Could you explain .because I know my daughter is in one..why can't you leave?@@beckywauer2291
My trauma bond is almost fully broken. He's trying to come back but his words don't have the same pull anymore. I think it's because I stayed until I couldn't stand to look at his face. Since your comment was 6 months ago, I'm praying you've moved on!
The reason we never learn about the stuff in high school is so the bosses could take advantage of us and I bet anyone $1,000 they couldn't prove otherwise
Yeah, there are many narcissists, psychopaths and dark triad personality types in high power positions. I remember being taught about being assertive and remember narcissists bragging about their supposedly high "emotional intelligence"... 😂😂😂
Continuing on when they taught us at school to be assertive, one thing which comes to mind is that a grandiose narcissist takes the whole concept of "being assertive" to a pathological height: He/she asserts his/her own grandiose self image over everyone and everything around him/her.
@@psource2305 over competitive Society Norm
Yep, sadly this dysfunction is rewarded all the time in our society. And in families. Guess they feed into each other.
The trauma bond breaks when you find someone better. It sounds cliche but it’s a fact. Once you find that special person your thoughts and feelings of the ex fades more and more until they’re just a memory. In my case the tables turned since I found someone else. Now she is obsessed with me. 😂 But I will not devalue myself by being with someone who doesn’t see my value. Don’t punish and restrict yourself because of THEIR insecurities. Eventually they will see what they missed out on. God bless 🙏
Actually; It breaks when you allow yourself to heal by doing the inner healing work. It does not break by finding another person.
One has to become mentally and emotionally healthy first. Once your self-confidence and self-esteem is restored, then the Trauma Bond has no hold over you.
This requires you to go 100% No Contact with the one you are trauma bonded with.
@@risingeagle6332 Been over a year now. Ive never been happier. And she is miserable from what I heard so that makes me happier 🤣
@@risingeagle6332
Agree. A ‘better’ person can help us understand and give us clarity, and certainly is a balm to our weary minds. But it’s not true healing in ourselves.
Guaranteed if that ‘better’ person changed for some reason, or their true self emerged - say during crisis times - we would trauma bond to then and do all those 7 things all over again.
Happened to me.
Feeling happy the ex is miserable is a sign one hasn’t healed.
Nope.. trauma bond breaks when you heal your inner child on your own.. not through others. What you’re describing is the monkey bar phenomena, where you let go once you grab something else.. still not healthy.
How did your ex respond to you being with someone else? And did she try to get back with you?
hearing you describe how these bonds are, makes me want to cry
Same.😔
Is there anyone else listening to this taking comfort that you were a victim ? I listen to this thinking, yep they did that, but l did that too. We all need to own what we brought to the relationship or else we go into others not trusting or playing a victim. Let those without sin cast the first stone.
Well said! 👏🏼 A narcissistic person is always in a relationship with another narcissist. Codependency is covert narcissism which can be even sneakier and more dangerous than the overt one. So no one is really a victim!
Yes I started getting worried! I relate to some of the stuff she mentioned. I’m realizing we both narcissists and toxic
5:10 the justifying part hit so hard. My close (female) friends all said I was like a beaten wife who wants to stay no matter what. I was, in fact, being emotionally beaten.
Ignored; labeled; Shamed; isolated; triangulated; blamed; ridicule; verbally assaulted; the trauma bond is a wild ride and it doesn’t just affect the person being assaulted but resonates outward towards their children. It’s awful.
The thing with me is, I actually know I'm a good woman. I love the woman I've become. I don't understand why the man I love doesn't see it. It's as if I let this one person imprint on me and I can't do or think of anything else except try to make them see what I see in myself.
I know exactly how you feel. I have always been a good woman, hardworking, loving, and dedicated to my family. The weird thing is that my abusive husband never can see it. No matter how much I do he always says I’m not contributing anything and doing everything wrong. So over the past ten years I’ve been constantly trying to improve. At this point he’s molded me into this sort of superwoman trad wife who also has to support the family financially and it’s still not enough for him. I know I will never be able to make him happy yet I keep trying and I’m starting to feel like he is slowly crushing my spirit and soon there won’t be any left 😞
I’ve learned the issues that they have are mearly within themselves and has nothing to do with me. He’s a sick individual, that likes to bully ppl
"BUT DID YA DIE?"" Exactly why CPTSD is a catalyst for trauma bonded relationships. I found this talk extremely helpful!
If only I knew what a trauma bond was or, for that matter, what a narcissist (in the clinical definition) was back in the day when I had the misfortune of encountering the narcissist in my life....
Read my comment above
We should have learned this in high school and they didn't teach us and that was wrong
The trauma bond victims hurt the new one that loves them truly and goes bk to their abuser
This killed me and set me free all at the same time.
This information hits me right in the gut. It's everything I've been experiencing with the man I've been married to for 12 years. He devalued me and discarded me all within 2 months. He's currently shacked up with the secretary from his work. He knows I'm in a really tough spot,I've been on disability since 2015 after losing my son via Suicide. My husband cheated on me 14 months after my sons death, we worked through that ,fast forward almost 9 years later,he kicks me while I'm down again. Ugh....my guts haven't stopped shaking for a month. I'm going to counseling This week. I need major help.
Thanks for this Sharing
Prayers🙏🏽
💜🙏💜🙏💜 I'm so sorry!
If I may without offence.. please suggest.. not being loyal to someone that is not doing the same for you. I hope you can possibly open up to the possibility of finding and letting in someone new.
You are so beautiful and so worth it. What one man doesn't see in you another could adore. And remember take it slow and don't pressure yourself on anything. You deserve you and you deserve to be your favorite. ❤️
How are you doing? That’s a horror story
@princeofpersiagirl I'm almost 9 months post his brutal discard, I'm still not divorced because he's dragging it out even though he filed. I've stayed no contact with him. I only see him at court but I just want it done
I'm 55 yrs old and have realized I have been in a trauma bond with my parents since I can remember, with a touchy uncle for 8 yrs (4-12), side of Stockholm Syndrome. Not to mention I actually married my husband because he, now that I see it, did have same narcissistic abuse patterns. I ended the marriage after 10 yrs, but have made the same excuses for him since 94 until now and he passed 2 yrs ago. I ended bond with my father because of the toxic, and abusive behavior 10 yrs ago and just completely cut all ties. Still make excuses like generational curses for him and my mom. 3 weeks ago I stopped talking to my mom for a week, because she was doing stupid things and she had a massive stroke and yesterday we signed DNR and hospice brought in. Her right side was hit and it centered at her understanding, speech and motor skills. I ran to her side wanting to help and going through trauma therapy for the uncle/dad/husband 1st time. It was she couldn't understand why I couldn't get past it. She's tired of it being thrown in her face. 3 weeks of no contact after daily contact 55 yrs. I may have Stockholm symptoms from trauma bonding to my mom.
Sorry all I had to say that out loud I guess to sink in.
Holy heck! Explains so much.
It’s worth a lot of us knowing: Toxicity isn’t always from overt abuse.
Toxic relationships aren’t just victim-narcissist ones. Many of us are wounded and act from those wounds without being ‘abusers’.
Sometimes the toxicity comes from those two particular people and their respective wounds coming together - bad mix.
Others of us can trauma bond in these 7 ways but in much more nuanced, less extreme ways.
For example; The other person reacts poorly to situations and inadvertently hurts you but is not a narcissist or abuser.
Likewise, you can do ‘damage control’ and ‘appease’, without creating large stories/lies or being desperate to be liked by them.
It’s like a low level survival mode but over time has an enormous impact on your mental wellbeing.
omg you just put perfectly into words what has been happening to me... I always excused my partner because it wasn't malicious or intentional but all of the fighting and bad reactions and shutting me out and not dealing with conflict has been seriously messing with my mental and even physical health.
I was in a relationship with someone and they walked out suddenly. At the time it knocked me for 6 as there was little communication around problems from their end. I trusted we were on the same page and felt the same way about our relationship.
We ended up coming back together but it was seriously tumultuous afterwards as trust was severed and I was paranoid that I’d missed something and it would happen again.
Fast forward 18 months later - they walked out again. Although that time I could understand as it had been a tough old ride and I was particularly triggered from the 1st event. Now they want back in and I’m surprised that I still consider it after the way that I’ve suffered through this period. Trauma bonds are tough.
This is exactly how things panned out when I was in my previous relationship of 9 years.... a lot of people would say that that's plenty of time to know somebody, but the thing is, our relationship was primarily online (we only met in person 3 or 4 times). I fell in love with somebody who had baggage that felt very heavy and debilitating at times, and at the expense of my own well-being. Even if he was sensitive and empathetic at times, there were also times where he would avoid conflict or create bigger arguments because we couldn't come to an agreement on something important like values or finances. Walking away from all of that wasn't easy, but I knew that I had to put myself first for once and stop excusing his inconsistent behavior.
Exactly.
And that's why I keep making the same mistake over and over again!😮
yes, it is very beneficial to dwell on negative things..... that's how we learn
When i was homeless sleeping in my car working two jobs they still harassed me with the same tactics theyre harassing me with now in this apartment ...they really prowl around and are extremely co dependent
If you're more specific your comment look strange
Defending them can include lashing out at family and friends that see that the relationship is abusive.
Thank you for a very informative and supportive video.
I saw the video thumbnail and just realized again...
You're gorgeous.❤
I feel like im in a trauma bond but when i go a days without talking he'd ask me a stupid random question and when I go back hes always like i tried being patient but the attacks got to stop, i always am angry at him. It doesnt feel like a relationship, it always end up me crying myself to sleep. Im so messed up in the head. Ive spoken to guys who are normal and it always felt peaceful and I never felt confused or hurt.
This!
@@Chrissy856 im 2 months in no contact. So much happier
@@greberc7284 Keep at it, girl. Sending you my best wishes.
@@rainbowjules thank you.
This brought tears to my eyes I felt every word😞
Thank you! You helped me realize that I was trauma bonded to my dad for 26 years. I'm a little in shock but not surprised. I'd known he was passive and emotionally unpredictable and that I was his best friend and defended him to my entire family for years... and that I have attachment issues due to our bond but I didn't expect this. Almost every sign is true. Man daddy issues suck.
This is very helpful. I think I’m done with all the mental abuse. I’m a people pleaser and I’m aware and I think she’s a narcissist, 2 years of her cheating with the ex and then love bombing me to get back, only to again make me feel like I’m not good enough for her to love me.
Anyone has any advice on how to move on and get over the depression? I feel more and more physically exhausted but I know is cause I’m excruciatingly sad.
Change your location, habits, socialize elsewhere, gym, eat and sleep well
In the same boat here. I moved two states away but his phone calls don't stop. He can't physically hurt me anymore, but the I love you/I hate you emotional roller coaster and the calls so he can emotionally dump all the negativity of his day on my plate keep coming. I could be having a decent day, and if I make the mistake of answering a text or phone call I risk having my mental state sucked right down into that depressive state. I realize now that my need to people please should start with me treating MYSELF the way I treat other people. I think us people pleasers become that way because we have never experienced the focus of someone wanting to do that for US. Part of my own healing journey out of this is understanding my own self worth and ability to love ME have been lacking or just absent most of my life. I KNOW I am a good and loving person who deserves to have good and loving people in my life and for the first time in my life I am allowing myself to FEEL that. Positive affirmations get made fun of a lot, but we really need them to help bring us out of that darkness. Pleasers want to please because we know how deeply mistreatment cuts our hearts. It is ok for you to put your OWN heart first. To give YOURSELF the unconditional love it maybe feels no one else has given you. My own self esteem has been shite, part from childhood part from this narcissistically abusive ex, but I know a lot of that was his own projection from his own cruddy self esteem. Now, I am going to let him keep that crap. Slowly it is becoming easier to ignore texts and calls because I am more and more able to focus on investing in the little things in life that bring my heart joy. Nothing that does that is silly when it comes to healing! One example is that I bought a bunch of prism crystals and hung them in my bedroom window. Now, every morning the sun shines I get to wake up to an explosion of tiny rainbows all over the walls of my room! It's amazing and magic and HAPPY and it belongs to ME. I am sorry I rambled here, and I hope you can find something useful here. More so, I hope you can move on from this toxic person into a place your heart finds peace. I wish you well.
@@ThatMontanaMom to be blunt... You prolong breaking the trauma bond and healing by allowing the contact. Block!
@@ThatMontanaMom thank you for your message. Feeling incredibly down right now. I tried listening to affirmations to lift myself up before and she would always make fun of me. She’s very negative about everything and I felt stupidly hopeful. Like I had to be positive for the two of us every day. You’re right about wishing to feel unconditional love the way I give to people. Sometimes I feel is selfish to want that and other times after listening to affirmations I feel like she is lucky to have me but I don’t think I can change her and how she doesn’t respect me or appreciate me. She keeps going with her life as if nothing happens, probably even happier now that she doesn’t have to worry about my feelings getting hurt when she hides me from her friends cause she’s afraid they’ll give her a hard time cause we got back together, as if I did something wrong to her. I think the pain right now is mostly from feeling like I wasted so much time and feeling so stupid for loving someone like that so much. I hope I can learn and let go of her completely and just heal.
@@sal2705 Oh man, do I get that! I have really struggled with anger at MYSELF for staying in such a messed up, toxic cesspool of a relationship! Now, by nature I am kind of a dry humor, kinda cynical person, mostly about the human race in general. But I will still make eye contact and smile at strangers because I understand people just sometimes need that. Sharing kindness and helpfulness are aspects of my personality I like. Where I get in trouble in intimate relationships is believing if I put in 110% effort, that by some miracle the other person will do that too! Yet I seem to have developed the skill of attracting narcissists who are only too willing to take and take with minimal give back! You know, in the aftermath of this sh*tstorm I came to realize that not only were my own personal boundaries weak, I never really had a clear definition of what I wanted them to be to begin with! I know that I can only change my own self. I can't change him. I can't trust him and I would be a fool to think I could. The one consistency he showed me was that he could never be honest, or faithful and his dependability swung with his moods. He was also an Iraq war veteran and had been in close proximity to explosions that left him with TBI as well as PTSD. There are some changes that he may not be able to make on an actual physiological level because of it. I carry bite scars from this man on several places on my body yet I STILL have a sense of....I honestly don't know if it is pity or real compassion. Yet another part of me wishes a Mack truck had his number. Living with this split feeling daily, then seeing these words written...all I can think is, "How messed up AM I?" It makes me question my entire EXISTENCE! Yet...I have to give myself a little grace for being a perfectly flawed human subject to making massive mistakes, sometimes more than once, but the only time I will ever really fail is if I give up trying to heal. Trying to rise above and do and be better. I think we stay in these awful places because we fear the unknown. That saying, better the devil you know comes to mind. You seen like a good and kind hearted person, and I know your self worth jas taken a serious hit with the feelings of betrayal and rejection. But you deserve to be with a person who is HAPPY to bring you in to their friend group. I mean, do you REALLY want to associate with people who are all about the appearance of happy, successful relationships, or would you rather associate with people who seek genuine depth and connection? People who aren't afraid to be who they are and not some idea of what they THINK people want to see? Cuz man, all that shallow fake garbage seems like an awful lot of work to me. And as for her possibly being happier without you...from what I have learned, people who are constantly negative about everything, are really NOT happy people. I mean, maybe they can play the part for a time, but pretty soon all that internal negativity starts seeping out of them like ink on water just tainting whatever it touches. It is OK for you to give yourself permission to move on (I wish I was as good at taking my own advice here as giving it...🙄😆). There is still a lot of beauty in the world, when we can get our eyes off our own despair and look around. One step at a time. You matter, ya know. The world needs people with good hearts. Probably now more than ever! We are complete strangers, but I believe in you!
This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing.
You live & you learn ❤
Thank you. The reason I really like your video is it’s a difference. It’s not bashing anybody it’s actually explaining what was going on. Thank you so so much!
(Verse)
They might believe you're perfectly capable of leaving
In reality, though, the trauma bond makes this extremely difficult
Caught in a web of emotions, tangled and deceiving
Worried about the hold it has, it's hard to break the spell
Every night, you lay awake, haunted by the memories
The scars run deep, they've etched upon your soul
They say time heals all wounds, but it's not as easy as it seems
The worry in your heart, it takes its toll
Chorus:
Oh, the weight of this trauma bond, it's hard to bear
Trying to break free, but the worry's always there
In the depths of your mind, you're searching for release
But the grip of this bond, it won't ever cease
(Verse)
You put on a brave face, pretending to be strong
But deep down, you're worried you'll never be free
The trauma bond holds you tight, it feels so wrong
You're trapped in a cycle, longing to break free
The memories replay like a broken record in your mind
The worry consumes you, it's hard to find peace
You're torn between the truth and what others might find
The weight of this bond, it never seems to cease
Chorus:
(Bridge)
But don't lose hope, my dear, you're stronger than you know
You have the power to heal, to find a way out
Reach out for support, let your worries go
Break free from this bond, there's a brighter path, no doubt
Chorus:
Outro:
They might believe you're perfectly capable of leaving
But the worry and the trauma bond, they're intertwined
Hold onto hope, find the strength to start believing
Break free from this bond, leave the worries behind
But what if it's my child? 😔...this is so hard. We never thought this person could do what they are doing. Breaking our family apart and discarding us.
That sounds tough. Maybe do a TH-cam search with terms like 'narcissistic daughter/son' and see what comes up. Les Carter has very good overall advice for this topic.
Let your child individuate. Show respect
Using your trauma to connect causes this, did it with my ex when we met…found someone after and she started to overshare her trauma..i pushed back
What is the reason? I can honestly say i dont want him back for approval. Part of me wants him though. Thought this was about how to break the cycle.
Attachment styles. The book Attached by Amir Levine.
She Change me know I able to talk with unice concept to find some one. I really appreciate my trumabond I change my self 😅😅
Opposites repel each other
I experienced all of this with my ex husband… I had no idea when I was in it.😢
New sub here.Thank you for this insight.Your video messages are really helping me .Sincere from Alaska lady Bree sending peace out into the world right now!
Why is it so common to be called a narcissist by one, every time I have ever been called that I look into it I self reflect make self growth possible but I fall back into a trauma bond that I don’t even know existed, multiple relationships now
Great explanation 💗🙏💗 thank you
I’m so not! I’m into a 37 dude! He even had noticed yet. A minor strangeness, he’s catholic I’m not. I even don’t know if it is reciprocal. Time will say.
I don't have a love trauma. I was wrong. Besides, I don't even know what a love trauma is. I have no trouble loving someone. And I like loving things or a special person like you.
Thank you for the info
It's narcissist term is just not working
especially for the victim bully type
we need something else
like
hidden insecure controller
Yea
There are different types of narcissists, for example, the 'malignant narcissist' or the 'vulnerable narcissist'. Dr Ramani explains a lot about the types if you're interested.
And I've listened to all of Ramani.And most of sam vaknin
I am 72 now and have never learned to escape from trauma bond relationships!😮
4 days watching videos...Looking for a confession.
I thought it wouldn't end up hurting this badly. Just wish I could've caught her in the act. Currently debilitating. Big sigh.
Don’t look for closure. Detach. Protect yourself and don’t let her have that much power over you. My 2 cents. Good luck!
My first wife had major trauma bond issues. It escalated until we broke up. Since we had married and have grown children now, the implications are life long. It all started when we both had toxic childhoods. Do it's no wonder I the empath tried to console the narcissist.
Negative --- Love --- Positive
Narcissists. Victim
I’m new to all this by the time I found out I’m all fucked up mentally I got depressed I’ve been with no energy back n forth for years now that I’m separated with this person it hurts n feels no other can replace her spot cause it does not feel right when it isn’t with this person so much more just what I thought about in the process of typing this message I was getting abused n somehow very tad bit I started to have narcissistic tendencies
Life changing video, thank you.🙏❤
In hindsight you are able to connect the dots...
The narc is addicted to causing those cycles. Be wise. Stay relaxed. Run away
nice hair change, very nice
Really helpful...thankyou
Good illustrations!
Good content, thank you.❤ Please note there is a clicking noise in the audio that is absolutely distracting.
Closest tuhat ever gotten to love
Where are rhe affirmations?
When u get out of the realtionship you arnt well for ages..
Good morning ❤
From this too to this
Are trama bounds only with narcissists?
Can a trauma bond happen between an alcoholic you love. The ups and downs of when there sober and not sober.
It can happen in any type of relationship where there’s abuse present. And addictions can drive people to act in highly narcissistic ways 🙏❤️
@@CommonEgo thank you so much. I have been watching your trauma bond playlist on my walks over and over and it fits my ex fiance to a T. You don’t know how much this has helped me. I really appreciate it.
Sounds like my mother
This is me.
Ooh Gosh😅😅😅I came far😂😂
She talks slowly, but unfortunately the natural pauses have been edited out, so in listening you have no time to absorb what she's said before she starts talking again.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
But bad still feels bad and good still feels good
❤❤❤❤
And... how to break those relationships??? And... where are the affermations??? Those things about narcissists are repeated in every clip, but nobody says anything usefull about how to deal with it.
There is no pain free way of breaking free it has to be no contact and setting firm boundaries and block all social media only then can recovery begin
How about "that person" instead of "that guy".
You manage to remember that mostly, but slip now and then :)
Thank you for the information and guidance! 💙🩵🤍🩵💙