Trying to “Save” The People You Date Helps No One
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.พ. 2024
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The “Savior Complex” is a horrible obsession, where instead of getting to know someone and seeing if there is harmony and potential for you as friends or as partners - you immediately imagine a version of them that is DIFFERENT than what they are. And then you set about trying to make them INTO that imaginary person you have in mind. You might call this "helping" them, or "healing" them (for people with CPTSD, this is almost always the expression of a trauma wound), but really what’s going on is manipulation and control. It’s not really about helping them with something they require - it’s about helping you to relieve an anxious emptiness inside, and in the end it will take a toll on both of you. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has a compulsion to "heal" people who are not available for a relationship.
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Thank you for this video. I think you may have saved my life.
I think this video saved my ex wife’s life!
“Help is the sunny side of control” I’m guilty of over helping.
“I don’t romanticly like anyone who isn’t disfunctional and doesn’t need me to be a caregiver” HITS HARD
I feel like those of us who are helpers feel better about ourselves when we surround ourselves with broken people😢
Excellent point.
Even more because the other way around would be becoming the brokest in the room ourselves
I've tried saving people all my adult life...homeless, drug adficts, I fed all kids that wanted a meal. I'm finally setting boundaries at 56 because I'm realizing I can't change anyone but myself and all the guidance I shared has been ignored...wish I'd of woke up sooner.
Same here at 50. I could've bought my home with the money I gave to the toxic ungrateful abusers in my life, or could've improved my own health with the energy I wasted on poisonous people.
But not ALL advice is ignored.
I’ve tried to help also in my life and it was resisted but over the years people have told me and I have seen that
Some people did listen and did improve their lives.
I think the point is to take care of yourself definitely and set up boundaries but you can still have moments where helpful words can make a difference in people’s lives
@@socratese5 For sure. I've noticed the same. The difference may be in
- "trying to save someone" vs "share experience and insight with someone."
- "their problem is my problem and I do it for them" vs "their problem is still *their* problem and I do it *with* them"
I feel the same. 🤗
@@triplemania5550 hundred percent 👍
I was involved with a man who had issues and he had an adult son who had many issues.. once he said to me “I need you to save me and my son”.. I could not run away fast enough and never looked back
Yeah definitely have learned NOT to sleep with someone. Enough time goes by and i got tired of wanting to leave and being bonnded to them physically.
I have done a lot of work. But i realized I am codependent, i have started going to codependents anonymous. There is help and healing out there.
Same!
Same
OMG, Anna. You have such a talent. You have such insight. You are so intelligent. You say you are not a professional therapist. You are so much more. I am so impressed at how you answer this letter.
I could not agree more!!! So sincere, such hard earned knowledge and she's incredibly brave!
Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna-- You are a full circle survivor-- you are heroic to me. You've been hurt in multiple ways, you did and continue to do the work to keep yourself healthy & most remarkably, you take your pain, turn it into a skill and use it to help others who are struggling while exercising boundaries! I'm so grateful because you are the real deal! Anyone CPTSD or not could learn a lot from you regarding hard conversations! Thank you for sharing with all of us!
She’s like the online version of the mother I wished for growing up. She’s an inspiration to me ☺️
Damn you slapped me in the face with the fairy stick with this one ✨😅✨
I have felt the depths of self-loathing before and it is so, so painful. I wish this person all the self-compassion in the world as she embarks on the difficult journey of healing.
Man, do I feel for this woman. Absolutely empathize. Why do we set ourselves up with liars? SO ready to only deal with people who are above board and taking responsibility for their _own_ situations.
Gawd, did I learn this the hard way when I was 19! It was a very dark traumatic time in my life on top of childhood trauma! 🤦🏻♀️. I didnot do it for the reason you said, but I felt bad for him and felt like I wanted to help him, since he appeared to be a sweet person.
I'm glad she wrote the letter.
I've been close friends almost exclusively with damaged people who I've tried to "fix" continuously since I was 12-13 :(. I've recently realized that I was addicted to the feeling that someone needed me, even if interacting with them was damaging me emotionally more and more over time.
What a powerful self-reflection. I'm so glad you're here, we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Im going through this now. Looking at relationships and seems most resembled my childhood.
I am so glad and so happy that I found you. I watch your videos everyday and now I began to see my blind spots. I cannot thank you enough❤
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤️❤️
Funny, I've called myself an "emotional parasite" before. After a breakup, when he wanted to be friends, and I said I knew I could not do that. But I went into a self-loathing rant about how I work in a hospital and with dementia patients because it's the only safe way to get affection (they even tell me they love me! Even if they think I'm their daughter/sister/whatever, they know I'm taking care of them and they're grateful😢). I realize how fucked up it is on all levels. I read some of the texts we exchanged to a friend (one from a healthier home) and she told me that some of the things I said made her worry about me. That it was okay to feel good and be happy when doing things for other people, and that for that to even be the primary motivation for why you do it.
I am happily single... And plan on staying that way!!...
WOW! She is always on the nose! I really felt this, and completely identify with all that she is saying. I waisted decades on trying to "fix" the men I dated. This was a very profound lesson for me. I gave 110% to them, and it never worked. To find out that I have savior complex, was both a relief and a lot of shame. I am now aware of it, so I work on it.
Well the reason why i am attracted to the. Is because I feel that I relate to them. People who have it "together" also treat me poorly or like so type of untouchable.
The more I listen to you, the more I realise I'm just a CPTSD cliché. Everything I do, feel, think, dream, and don't is a symptom of CPTSD. If there was a cure, I'd just vanish in thin air. It's embarrassing how I'm a text-book case. I thought I was unique. Even that turned out to be a symptom, too.
Kudos to this woman. Too many people aren’t willing to question this mentality, and still fewer are able to admit that their “projects” deserve to be seen as autonomous human beings and not damsels to project their savior fantasies onto.
aw shucks man,big bear hugs to her. no need to sell yourself short or feel shame. you're cool, insightful and as deserving of an uplifting, clear-headed romance of equals who respect and love each other. A beautiful romance.❤ All good things come from work and prayer, hang in there! :)
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I needed this 10 years ago! Thank you for putting out this content and shout out to the brave soul who wrote in. I’m curious…is being a damsel in distress the flip side of being the savior? I’ve been both and in the same relationship.
Anna, you can sense when I’m beginning subconsciously to circle someone like a shark, on my way to “help”.
Wonderful video. May I add that suffering religious trauma (on top of abuse) can contribute immensely to the "savior complex" as we can rationalize to ourselves that because we self sacrifice, are altruistic, we are more "Christ like" Even if we secretly HATE religion, guilt and dogmatic fear can reinforce the behavior, and when it comes to shame, religion can be like gasoline on a fire. Also as a male, I can attest that the idea of being a "Hero" is VERY tempting to someone with damaged self esteem. BTW 14:15 LOL!
i hope she can heal. aiming for unavailable people (vulnerable ones who can't bring themselves equally to the relationship) it is both repeating the pattern from childhood of mistaking that imablance for the truest expression of love and holding real connection at an arm's length because it's a concept that got paired with pain in previous experiences; she deserves and is capable of something better.
I can relate... I struggle with shame and guilt all the time.. 😢...
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I usually get tricked into believing their narrative. I get gut feelings and can't trust my judgment. Just got my heart broken once again. 😢
The savior complex describes me to a tee. I’ve been listening to Anna for a while now and have overcome limerence but the stage in my healing that I’m at is exactly here - how to stop ruining relationships with friends and family from a savior complex. Anna, you mentioned there are many good books to help - can you recommend a few? Thanks for all your work. Your videos help me so much.
I still feel guilt at times about a dear friend of mine who was murdered by her fiance,even though there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.... And in a way,I think this why I choose to stay single...
❤ extremely difficult situation. Ultimately the fiance is 100% responsible for the murder
Love this video. It has opened my eyes to some of my behaviors. I keep watching and learning
A lot to relate to here from my past I had not fully considered before. Hoping the very best for her. ❤
I try and empathize with women who are dealing with alcoholic compulsive liars that is not just occasional but every time you talk to him. Making up excuses a form of lying to put any responsibility towards myself, my partner likes to look to push aside everything is in entire on my responsibility. It is so tiresome seeing a empty body the mind shrink to dementia and doctors of his in such denial also to order special to examine his abusive behavior. 😮
I've been doing this in a pattern for my whole dating life. Because the people I tried to "save" were already deeply traumatized, four of my partners have died through the years, subsequently traumatizing me more. I have healed a lot, but horribly lonely from trying to keep myself safe from this pattern
Gosh, why is this so relatable? Grateful for finding Anna and the Daily Practice along my healing journey. ❤️🩹
Anna, you’re amazing! You do good work. Thank you so much. I have this relationship with my students. We’re constantly pushed to prod, change, and control every aspect of our day and environment. I know this video relates to family / romantic relationships but this is useful in ever aspect of my life. Thank you ❤.
I've started working on my need to fix people, but it's very difficult. My narcissistic, emotionally incestuous mother made me responsible for her emotions and made affection dependent on my earning it. I literally feel like I am unworthy of love, and have no way to show love, if I'm not being , what I now understand to be, overbearing. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
This is my situation, too. I've found the quantum healing sessions of Melanie Tonia Evans helpful, and also Brain Education TV on TH-cam does a bunch of good chakra healing meditations. They just put up a new one on loving yourself (heart chakra). I also occasionally listen to Blue sky hypnosis -he does a self-love session. There's a lot of free help out there if you look for it, even if no "miracle cure". Good luck ❤️
the author of this letter has a great deal of insight, and an eloquent way with words that would make them really great at creative writing
I sure wish I knew this information in my twenties.
Me too....😔
Thank you for this channel. You are helping me so much ❤
Based off of your advice I know I did not pick my partner correctly and we've already been going through a rough patch, every time I listen to your advice it just makes me feel like I should get a divorce and find someone the correct way this time. I can't believe that I have a Savior complex and I am with somebody that doesn't want to live and it's very difficult when I have a sex addiction too because I'm traumatized. I almost want to brag about it because I've been through so much but I am waking up wanting to you and fix myself. I can tell you that one of the biggest desires I have right now is just leave and clear my head. But I still believe my wife and I are starting to heal together but I'm just being limerant half the time and manufacturing hope?
This was so good, thank you so much. I'm grateful to have had a huge amount of healing in Codependents Anonymous, both from this area directly and (as is so prominent in this video) the heavy inner critic amplifying self shame and guilt. CoDA is (or should be) particularly boundaried about advice-giving and over-dictatorial sponsors.
Example: Jada saying she "needed" to "heal" her teen son's friend... by jumping his bones. Uh uh. That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works! 😮
Imo, a situationship is somewhere between a friend with benefits and a relationship… so it makes sense that she is using the term “cheat” and “other woman” … it’s grey… hence the term…
I hadn't understood the denial piece so clearly until now. Very helpful.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
All the details about the sickness (it IS a sickness) are right on, but the possibility of healing is impossible. We might bring off some of the rougher edges, but the reality will remain. I'm 79 worked all my life to get it right and the result is that can't wait for this torcherous experience to end.
Yes. I wish I saw this two years ago.
Two days ago - exactly 2 years also !!
@@chichan6969 I wish you did not have the same. For me today 2 years exactly since I accepted pink roses from this person.
I don't necessarily feel the need to 'save' people (because there are plenty of people I walk away from and don't care about anymore). But occasionally when it's someone I really like and they have some terrible flaw, I do find myself wanting to help them way more than I should. I think it stems from having so many deeply flawed people around me that after a while you start to see there aren't that many normal, functional people out there wanyway. So you start to accept some flaws you shouldn't in people who have other qualities you like. Overall, I'm pretty good at writing people off as lost causes now though and I'm pretty proud of that. I especially have zero tolerance for alcoholics and druggies in my space. I just think they get way too many chances in general and usually still end up failing horribly at life while harming those around them.
Kind, helpful coaching ❤ for a lot of relatable stuff. Thanks 👍
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
A situationship is not anything like 'friends with benefits'.
They’re all under the category of non-commital/non-relationships.
This hit HARD!
Thank you❤ sending love to the whole team❤
I was the same. I wish you all the healing in the world
Thank you for sharing this❤
I have seen daily young women now finding bad relationships narcissistic men abusing women.
Been there, done that.
guilty, of trying to fix my romantic partner. limerence it still lingering around but I notice when it starts
You are an angel 😢❤
I can relate to so much of this.
It took a really awful and traumatic event whilst I was pregnant with my daughter for me to finally snap out of limerence and my need to ‘save people’ and face up to what I was actually doing in my life ( chasing beautiful yet troubled and traumatised men in an attempt to win their love and devotion)
Having my daughter has also helped in my recovery. I love her so much, and through my love for her I’ve finally stopped hating myself. It’s been the most healing experience. I’ll do whatever it takes.
These videos are so helpful, I see a bit of my story in many of the letters and i finally have compassion for myself.
I wish this lady peace and joy in her life.
I love you, you save my life at every video❤
You are just brilliant fairy.....you are saving lives....❤
And, remember, no one is coming to save you while you’re busy trying to fix everyone else
Saviour complexes may be condescending and maybe a way to hide one's own fear from oneself but writer, it's good to acknowledge something we do isn't good but also don't hate yourself like that,breaks our heart- I mean I feel that way about being somewhat codependent and even when Anna describes it as...eloquently as she does😅-that it's icky,toxic,not innocent etc I still just see it as a messed up thing I do that I can work on,make amends about if possible and mind how i choose people, how i interact with people i choose thereafter etc. Anna is right about spiritual folks btw, imho best to avoid them altogether or 'only' approach it via books etc-not worth it,cults ruin lives while people don't even realise it in the worst way and we don't need that shit. no one is perfect and that's alright. As a woman,i can tell you many of us have a rescue fantasy and there are men who capitalise *big time* on that kind of thing in us. Having said that,in the single phase finding a spiritual center in one's heart helps a lot-we're meant to care about what is good and sacred in us and others,have faith in a higher power et al. maybe anna will talk about her view of that someday but its personal and bful once you find that,a safe haven in one's heart if you will
Spirituality can be cult like, but the issue I have with saying it's a cult is that it isn't a cult in and of itself. It's more that *certain types of people* with personal agendas - that often have nothing to do with the messages of the philosophies and religions they hijack - give rise to cults, and many types of group - including religious, political etc, have the potential to be 'cultish'.
It's really condescending when someone uses you as a target of their 'attention' as well. I've had holier than thou women do this to me and it's nothing short of insulting. I did not ask for help, but they just deemed me as needing help because I was not living up to their standards and I worked with them. I stayed away because I could see these women had serious issues with codependency and that their lives must not be going that well if they were so overly focused on mine and they did not even know me. These women are control freaks.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel yes of course, i meant the warped version of it.
@@Liz-wz8dh so true, women concern-shame a lot as a way to ostracise, even Jane Eyre-such an old classic!-has Jane experience it 😅. i studied in a girls school and the prims and propahs were very much like that. its a more acceptable way of bullying for women, not sure if thats called codependency though. i thought codependence is romantic?
@@Liz-wz8dh i think codependency is more of centering someone else all the time but making yourself invisible or customising yourself to be a version they like
Thank you anne 😊🎉 have a great day 👍
Thank you
I do not agree we should reject our love for people we feel like need to be healed or supported for their traumas or experience. It can be a calm journey where you give them the calmth and space to reflect on themselves and find their best selves. It should indeed not be forced onto them. However, if they confirm your view on what is broken, why not support them fix themselves?
Is this view dangerous for falling back onto the urge of control? Or is it just plain wrong to see a relationship like this? If so, let me know, I'm open for a discussion in the reply section.
I think the 'disgusting and dehumanising' self criticism is a parental voice
Truth.
Hi Fairy, you chose a Gaelic name! So cool. 🇮🇪
I can see this lady’s position from 2 different angles. I’m totally a self-trasher (I know…), but the roles are reversed in that an acquaintance/friend with limerence on social media attached to me, which I didn’t know about for a few years. For one thing, I’m too much of a mess for a romantic relationship… I still apologize to my husband’s grave for his having married me (I know…), but that aside, this person is the same sex as me, and I’m just not gay. I made that clear multiple times, but it didn’t seem to matter… I’ve kept my distance for the most part so as not to lead her on. The other stickler is that I’ve “collected” a few friends with cptsd over the years… I just can’t relate much to those without it (I also have ptsd from adult trauma). One of those friends is gay and we’ve been friends for 25 years.
So damaged me felt that this very damaged person & I could be friends once it was accepted that I’m not gay. But it didn’t work out that way and now she’s totally pissed at me for not feeling the way she does, and she’s been cruel. But again, damaged me feels responsible that “I” was the reason she’s upset (I know…). So, I’m thinking about totally divorcing myself from social media (she’s on ALL the platforms), but that especially sucks for me because I’m homebound due to disability. 😣
Anna is awesome❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I do this, its not good to be stuck like this 😢
There are shortages of healthy people for women clearly in Ontario Canada. I spent 60 looking at so how much time do you think you need to spend looking?
Nerves are wires made of flesh.
Does the same hold true if you are degreed in the helping professions, I am a nonprofit accountant, and I help as many people as I can through volunteer work.
I've looked at the 12 step programme onlie, I can't afford the cost. I'm disabled on benefits I can't work because of my CPTSD 😢
How do you know the difference between helping someone and trying to “fix” them? We all know people that need help or struggle with problems
How can you tell the difference?
Wouldn’t you say counselors or mental health professionals choose their career for those reasons?
🤷♂️
Some do. But many enjoy the application of their science to help people for society reasons. Recognising boundaries and keeping them is key as well. Regular clinical supervision and knowing it’s a career - which has the secondary gain of helping others is a must.
Having your own life with balance, hobbies, self care and time for yourself means you won’t be living to be needed. Those who live to work....think alarm bells.
Self defense. Life has demands at times. Earlier Late this Evening i was contacted by way of text messages very well informed matters . Soon after i considered the cost of buying a sidearm. Relaxing with my thoughts knowing whats best for me. Anna this has happened once before long after my divorce. Im fine and doing okay.
Messianic Complex!
This is so me. Ugh
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sounds like me
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi Are you looking for a professional TH-cam thumbnails designer?
Hey.... I don't know if you read youtube comments. However, I sent you two emails. If you could reply, that'd be appreciated.
Have a good friday,
I do read all the TH-cam comments, and I wish I could personally reply to all the e-mails I receive, but this is such a big vibrant community that I focus my efforts on the membership community, and live calls I do with anyone who wants to learn my Daily Practice. I also offer courses, monthly webinars, and a book on my healing method that comes out in October.
Just say it , sex without marriage goes no place . For onething ,the guy does not want to live --- then sex, no , no, it is never as good idea . See a pastor or a good therapist that is a pastor type . Why not its their job and they are in the healing bussiness , better this way .
That person is a professional novelist. I think they wrote this letter to hear their prose out loud and maybe they are writing a story where the main character interacts with a TH-cam therapist and this is research. 🤣
Why do you say this? I see a lot of sincere emotions she’s struggling to contain.
Woah, maybe you are.
Horrible
What?
I wish instead of reading letters, you would actually just discuss what you put in the title. Instead you read letters and barely address what you claim you will. I'm tired of listening to people's letters. These videos can go on forever without actually addressing what you're saying you're going to talk about. It's clickbait.
She discussed throughout the video how trying to “save” people is no good for anyone? This letter writer in particular had a lot of insight already and Anna showed her the way forward.
@@varsha8592 I disagree. I've watched many of her videos and I wish she would just address the topic and if she wants to go into the letter, she can do that at the end. It's frustrating. These videos are hour and a half long and they still are mostly letters.
"Let him have the truth of his feelings" - Anna talking about giving space to her son to cry. So eloquent 🫶