Avoidant People Are Often Drawn to People They Can't Have
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ม.ค. 2024
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Avoidance is a style of relating to other people, often driven by past trauma, that can make you feel overwhelmed and anxious even thinking about connecting with other people. If you’ve ever dating an avoidant person, you know how painful it can be to feel like you can never pin them down for plans, or get a commitment from them. And just when relationships start to feel like they’re going somewhere, the avoidant person will disappear for days or weeks at a time. Avoidants pull away from closeness, even when they want it. And ironically, what avoidant people are sometimes drawn to, is people they can’t have. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is drawn to relationships that can't go anywhere.
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This one really spoke to me, because it made me realize when you have some avoidant tendencies you actually gaslight yourself both on the level of coming to grips with what you actually want and need in your love life and also that those wants and needs are valid!! Huge eye opener for me here.
"There's a weird kind of safety ... in relationships that can't go anywhere." Too bad we learn this so late.
If they cheated on their gf of 10 years, they'll do it to u too...
Avoidant’s always want all the love and care in the world but want to do nothing in return. Its always a one-sided relationship
Casual sex is bull crap. We're DESIGNED for nurturing intimacy. Even if we are not able to do that in a healthy way, we crave it because it is how we were created. Only accept the BEST. You deserve the BEST!
I struggle with avoidance a lot and its a daily effort in the beginning of anything social, i was intimacy-averse, started disliking the idea of physical stuff, kinda still have the same plan of adopting and being alone because i feel i can't be loved by a man. Other connections are easier now bjt romance and what is okay to 'dream' about is still a tricky area for me. To add to this the polyamory and yolo crowd make me feel contlicted, do i even want love at all.. are people just lame in a relationship, is it even worth this mulling etc. i start imagining all men to be selfish ultimately who will always pish me down if try to succeed at something or have healthy self esteem because thats my experience- i am indian and our culture is almost pathologically, unpleasantly stifling and demeaningly sexist, i never got help when i asked for it and even the women gang up on you out of envy. i have no answers and im afraid time is running out, I'm 29 and scared
That’s how us disorganized attachers are. The more the person runs from us, the more effort we put in. I’ve always said that after an ending with an unavailable person I was chasing “I’ve never put this much effort into anyone” “I actually tried this time” sad.
We should be disappointed and offended when someone doesn't want us as a partner, we must never lower our expectations but walk and never look back...it won't work anyway...even if we bend into pretzel, why wasting our precious time then??🤗
😂 omg when you said it reminded you of doordash, I bursted out laughing. I know it wasn’t your intention to be funny or to denigrate the writer. But when you relate it to doordash it opened my eyes because I have been guilty of sleeping with unavailable people and thinking something meaningiful would come out of it and you just made me see how dysfunctional it is and how it can slow down our journey to healing.
Lying to yourself is speedrunning mental illness. The remedy is to write down how you feel. Every good, bad, mundane thing. All of your loves and hates. Your darkest secrets and deepest desires. Everything. Leave no stone unturned, and don't judge yourself for what you feel. In the end, you can burn that piece of paper so it's left only in your memory. Do that whenever you feel confused. If you do it honestly, as scared as it makes you feel, or as bad as it makes you look, you'll always feel better.
6:00
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy: You are living rent free in my head now, and I am so glad. Thanks for the excellent advice!
Anna, Our "higher power" works in mysterious ways, but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my higher power would have worked through a You Tube channel. I don't even remember how I found you, but so glad I did. My gratitude for how much you have taught me and helped me to grow, read and practice. You are doing powerful work here!
17:37
I downloaded the pdf you suggested at the end of the video. It’s a great list and something everyone with our issues should read. But as I read it though I realized that at age 48 I’ve never met a guy that was interested in me that was like that at all. It’s sad.
We'd all live in a better world if folks wouldn't get involved with people that they know are attached....
Could you make a video about attachment to authority figures? I’ve been struggling with this since I was 12 years old, always crushing on teachers, my friend’s dads, sometimes therapists, etc and I don’t know what to do about it
You can most definitely find satisfaction in your life without a relationship... And it is a very uncomplicated way to live,and a good way to avoid complex entanglements like this... And I bet this complex entanglement probably only worsens her condition...
I have only been in love with married men. It makes you feel very unwanted.
Yes safety in distance, even sexually. But emptiness in life and connecting on a real level. Sex without kissing. There is no emotional impact. Five minutes of intercourse and emptyness. The worst feeling ever. Desire for love but no connection.